“What, no gift this time, Tussy?” Phon sat down on the couch next to her brother, glaring disappointedly at Detective Tusmon and his assistant Chiulu in a Fiends For Hire meeting room. The Bureaucrat having self-bound her arms and legs so as to not destroy anything around her didn’t do much to ease the already tense atmosphere. “Good to see that our time apart hasn’t made you any friendlier. But I suppose you’ve been too busy to think about common courtesies. Perhaps I should call you The Rescuer.”
“And I’m glad to see your nosiness hasn’t changed either,” the detective huffed. “But officially, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Of course, of course,” Phon played along. “Even though that is one of the main reasons we agreed to meet with you. Otherwise, we would have told you to shove your arrogant head up your own ass.”
“Well, I assume you have read my proposal and hope that you find my reasonings agreeable,” Tusmon pressed forward. “Or did you invite me here just to mock me in person?”
“We are here to discuss your proposal,” Drim affirmed. “With some caveats, of course.”
“I’d assumed as much,” The Investigator shrugged. “If you had no qualms with it, I would have walked out immediately. Because that would mean it was all part of some ploy.”
“But before we get down to serious business, I should congratulate you, Fiendish King, on your recent uncontested win in the primary election. Even though your name was the only one on the ballot a few days ago, there was still a high-turnout to vote for you. And I wish you luck in the secondary election. I suppose I should take your political endeavors as the reason behind your unexplained lengthy leave of absence from the public eye.”
“Then by your statement, can I assume you’re not here to re-arrest us?” Drim surmised.
“And why would I?” Tusmon looked almost annoyed at the accusation. “No arrest record for the four of you was ever filed. And while it is commonplace belief that the four of you were being held in some prison at the southern ice shelf, legally speaking, it never happened. And that alleged prison doesn’t officially exist. So as far as I’m concerned, there is no proof you were ever arrested or imprisoned in any capacity.”
“Then, if you’re worried about us trying to arrest you based on past crimes or criminal scores, you can be at ease. Our organization no longer has that authority. If an illegal act isn’t one that we’re directly investigating, or if it doesn’t happen right before our eyes, we can’t make arrests for anything registered by the Central Peace or any country.”
“Oh, so the rumor that the CP kicked you down the curb were true then,” Phon smirked.
“We actually sought our own independence,” the detective corrected. “But the Fiend Crime Division is now its own entity. We never directly reported to the Central Peace before, but since our funding came from them, and because Chiulu was a CP employee, we were essentially bought.”
“Now the ties have been severed, though. Chiulu was transferred to my employ, and we were given a grant that should keep us operating for several years without needing to seek out any form of additional funding. However, there were conditions for our freedom. Technically, we don’t have to fulfill any of them, and the terms aren’t legally binding, but we would like to continue with our hospitable relationship.”
“The first major change, despite still being called the Fiend Crime Division, we aren’t only to focus on Fiend related criminal activity. While that is still the bulk of our purpose, we have been given a secondary objective of fostering a continued human and Fiend peaceful co-existence.”
“Essentially, we’re also Fiend Social Services. We are charged with monitoring Fiends, and ensuring they are living safe and productive lives just like any human. And just as if they overstep their bounds, if they’re also in need of assistance or equity, we will do all we can to provide it.”
“And of course, what comes with that aspect of our new agreement is the Fiend Register. Not just the Central Peace, but several government agencies want an official Fiend Register. They’re tired of being surprised, I suppose, and want to know every eventuality they need to plan for. And so the creation of the register has been passed on to us.”
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“I tried to make it very clear in my proposal, but I’ll say it again. This register is going to be made with or without us. If we don’t do it, the CP will, and they won’t be as amenable, unintrusive, and considerate to the lives of the Fiends as we’re trying to be. But through us, you can ensure as much discretion as possible.”
“Only part of the register will be made available to the other agencies, and will also be known publicly. This includes their name, aliases, biographical information, a brief overview of their powers, current employment status, and city, county, or township of residence. Everything else remains strictly confidential and can only be accessed through a warrant or other legal action, which can certainly be combated by the Fiend or other legal defense.”
“Now I’ve outlined the registration process in the message. We will do our best to accommodate any requests you may have. But if your cooperation isn’t ensured, then we will have to create the register based on circumstantial evidence, and that may lead to unintentional inaccuracies. I’m sure we all wish to avoid that, lest someone get the wrong impression about one of your members.”
“And if you’re still worried about the process, we have already performed a trial run with the Wandering Souls Circus. We are happy to provide what will be the public results, and I encourage you to reach out to Rallie if you have any further doubts of our intentions.”
“That won’t be necessary. We’ll cooperate,” Drim assured him. “But we do have to nail down the finer details first. Phon, if you’d call a meeting please.”
“Oh, I already did,” his sister slumped back on the couch with a smug grin on her face. “In fact, it started at the same time as this. So the whole time you’ve been yapping, Tusmon, you’ve just been keeping our people waiting. Not off to a great start with this partnership, detective. Let’s hurry up with our negotiations then so they don’t die from boredom.”
◆◆◆
“So in summary…” Tusmon stood at the front of the throne room, addressing all members present, and several more who were listening in on their phones. “We will be accompanying you all for one work session each. How long we stay with you is up to our discretion. It might be a few minutes, or hours, or could even go over multiple days—until we’ve seen what we need to see to make our decision.”
“Additionally, we will be briefly inspecting your quarters to ensure proper living conditions. We will also be conducting interviews and asking questions during these observations. If you feel a question is too personal, you are allowed to not answer it. And if you have something you would like to say that you feel you can’t share with your fellow Fiends, members, or residents, you are welcome and encouraged to share it with us.”
“We will be working with your administration to schedule times that best fit each of your lives, and you will be contacted well in advance before our arrival. If the assigned time does not work for you for whatever reason, it can be rescheduled, but please do not test our patience by refusing to set a time or constantly avoiding the meetings. Should you choose to actively dodge us, we will be forced to hunt you down.”
“The inspections will be divided between myself and Chiulu. We will attempt to get through these inspections as quickly as possible, to waste as little as your time and ours as possible. At first, we’ll be attempting to schedule as many member Fiends as we can before moving on to the residents, as we understand your lives and schedules are more hectic. That’s all for now. We thank you for your patience and willingness during this process.”
Phon then leapt up in front of everybody. “Oh but we do have a few more points you all should be aware of. Primarily, our dear officials here will not be attempting to make any arrests during these inspections, along with any future follow-ups. Additionally, they have absolutely no jurisdiction in the nation of Fiendish.”
“And while some of you are out on jobs, being observed and stalked, they have agreed to turn a blind-eye to any crimes that you might commit in order to ensure completion of your missions. That was a major condition for our cooperation. So go ahead and steal some snacks or something to make them uncomfortable and say you need the nourishment.”
“To add to that, if they are in your way during a mission, feel free to push them. Treat them like no more than a random obstacle. And, if you need their service to assist you, then they are also required to comply. For example, if the fate of the world depends on a certain child getting full-force punched in the bottom of their chin, but you’re too preoccupied to do it. Let Mr. Detective know, and he better step right up and bash that little bastard with a soaring uppercut, and his heart better be in it. Because if it’s their fault that one of our jobs fails, then that’s the end of our agreement.”
“And lastly, if you feel either of our guests have overstepped their bounds at any point, please report it. They know we’d love any excuse to throw them out. Oh, and please don’t feel like only you have to endure these inspections, because all of us in charge have to go through them as well. So we have to put up with it and get registered.”