“So much for casual and blending in,” Phon scoffed. “We’re the most underdressed people here by a few societal classes.”
“Well that just adds to the charm,” Chorus blew it off the concern. Yet they weren’t participating, dressed as if they were ready for a gala. “It will just make you look that much more down to earth to our viewers. And it will really upset the other bidders if they lose everything to snotty brats that look beneath them. I can’t wait.”
The second item on their agenda for the day was an auction. It was a wide range of lots, from toy collectables, to antiques, to murder weapons from solved cases, to swaths of land that had been claimed by the Central Peace. There was a bit of everything for all walks of life. Yet the only ones in attendance were the rich and powerful.
“I’m lost as to how this is supposed to make us look like everyday folk,” Drim couldn’t wrap his head around it.
“It isn’t,” Chorus responded bluntly. “But a lot of regular citizens dream of going and buying something they really want at an auction. And while you all are welcome to buy anything that strikes your fancy or nostalgia, we’re also doing this for charity. Watching this stream are a few organizations we partnered with that are in need of donations of items for just about everything.”
“What better place to get them than snatched from the hands that need them the least? We’ll be quite literally taking from the rich and giving to the poor. So go nuts, buy whatever you want—whether it’s for yourself or to give to some kids or other charitable organizations. Even better if you get to piss off some entitled snobfactories while you do it. I’ll be sure to get a good angle on their bluster.”
The group took their seats. Confused, judging, and malcontent eyes watched them the entire time. They found Itsy and Roque already seated and waiting for them, who of course stood out as well. Roque was at least dressed in the right direction, but the lack of quality in his suit definitely stood out. Meanwhile, Itsy was in her usual overalls, certainly dirtying the chair she was sitting in with grease stains.
“They got some vintage cars up for auction,” Itsy explained why she was participating.
“Planning to fix them up for us to drive around in style?” Kada started getting excited at the idea, possibly enough to even cheat on her own beloved vehicle.
“Heh, nah, nothing like that. These ain’t gon’ be for driving mostly,” the big woman elaborated. “I’m planning tuh make a car cannon. Yes, that is in fact a cannon that shoots cars. Could just load up some old clunkers, but that just ain’t got the same feel, ya feel me?” This plan of hers got a few wide eyes and murmurs from the crowd around them, likely spurring some car lovers to bid more than they were planning just to try and keep them out of her hands.
“I’m just here to ruin some lives,” was all Roque said when attention went his way.
The auction started shortly after everyone got settled. Drim bought up the first lot immediately—a complete set of first edition action figures that were popular when he was a kid. He probably overpaid, but there wasn’t much resistance from the rest of the crowd.
“Oh, the children from the charities will love those,” Chorus made sure to film the generous act.
“Yes… the children...” Drim’s eyes glanced away and went dour. Maybe he could at least enjoy the fact that for just a fleeting moment, he’d collected them all.
Not much else was bought by the Fiends until they got to the vintage car showcase. Itsy bought the first few outright, getting more giddy each time. Once they got to the rarest models, though, bidding wars really began. But no matter how high the competition got, Itsy always outbid them in the end. This led to several other participants storming out in a huff, spouting countless and sometimes creative slurs under their breath.
“I thought you sent most of your money back home, Itsy. Surprised you have enough to be buying all of these. Not going into massive debt for this, are you?” Xard was a touch concerned.
“Huh, company’s paying for this whole outing, didn'tcha hear?” Itsy returned his confusion. “Fancy pants over there told me to spend as much as I want.”
“Yes, the Fiends For Hire will be covering the cost for all member purchases made today,” Roque confirmed.
“We agreed to that?” Phon quickly looked over to Drim.
“Oh… right, I guess I did,” Drim recalled a clearly unimportant memory.
“We have more money backed up that we need to burn through,” Roque explained.
Chorus then added, “And what better place to blow it than at an event where both the proceeds and the items we buy go to charity?”There were no further arguments after that.
“So we can just buy anything we want for however much money we want?!” Kada’s eyes lit up. “100 million!” She shouted immediately when the next lot was unveiled.
“Not to dissuade your gross overspending,” Roque couldn’t help but twinge at the purchase. “But pray tell, what do you plan to do with 38 antique clocks?”
“Juhh-I hadn’t thought that part through yet!” She immediately went on the defensive. “Oh, we’ll just give them to charity or orphanages, yeah! They’ll be the most punctual orphans you’ve ever seen in your life!”
More frivolous purchases soon followed, though none nearly as egregious as that. The crowd thinned out a bit more when they realized they had no hope of getting what they wanted. But the Fiends For Hire didn’t buy everything, mostly ignoring art that wouldn’t service anyone.
You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.
A few small, personal purchases were made. Phon bought a set of masterwork kitchen knives. Kada bought the rights to a defunct arcade and food chain, mostly wanting their singing robot mascots. When the released-evidence section came, Xard bought quite a few weapons and criminal possessions—mostly from those that he himself had brought to justice.
“This next lot is a variety of odds and ends used as murder weapons by an unnamed serial-killer from Tooshifont,” the auctioneer presented the next lot.
“Hey, isn’t that-?” Kada started.
“Yup, Kaizu’s,” Drim immediately raised his hand to bid. It actually took some fighting from other members of the audience for some reason. But regardless of the cost, those items were best obtained and destroyed.
Next on the agenda was lots of land. “Do we need any more property?” Phon asked no one in particular.
“It’s always good to have land,” Roque smirked. He then proceeded to buy up almost every single piece of it that he believed had some value. However, there was one piece he seemed uninterested in entirely that drew the rest of the group’s attention.
“Isn’t that the spot where Senli’s orphanage used to be?” Kada pointed out.
“Huh, so it is,” Drim confirmed. “I suppose we should buy it. Do you think you’d have any use for it, Roque?”
“Doubtful,” he seemed wholly uninterested. “Probably good for a shop, but that’s about it.”
“Well, let’s buy it anyways,” Xard insisted. “If nothing else, for Senli’s peace of mind, but we can always just build a new safehouse.”
By the time they reached the last round of auctions, most of their fellow patrons had cleared out. But what was left were items that only very specific collectors would want anyways—overpriced oddities that were worth a lot to a select handful of people.
The Fiends ignored almost all of it. Kada, though, tried to buy a bobsled that had been used to win a championship. However, she dropped the idea after a few bids when she got an intense death glare from the woman she’d been bidding against—clearly much more of a fan.
But of course there was something Drim’s hand was forced into buying. “This rare vase was brought by Eleen Drazah on all of her campaigns. It is believed that she used it to store the ashes of all of her enemies that she bombed out of existence.”
Did you really do such a thing? Drim asked, pre-annoyed, to the ghost floating around him.
Nope, I brought that vase just because it was sturdy, looked nice in my mobile office, and was really convenient for burning sensitive documents into. I guess they’ve misconstrued what the ash was. We actually just found it abandoned on the side of the road one day. It’s junk that they’re pawning as a war artifact.
Drim bought it, going toe-to-toe with a few other bidders until they realized who they were up against. But once they figured out that Eleen’s son himself wanted it, no other bids were made.
Most of the time, the items were claimed after the auction, but Drim went up to the stage immediately and grabbed the vase. He hoisted it up over his head and flung it over at a vacant wall, shattering it to pieces. Endless cries from collectors filled the room as he returned to his seat.
“Next up is the china set that Eleen Drazah ate off of the night that she signed the death warrant for Pimitrad.” Eyes in the room drifted to Drim to see if he was planning to bid again.
Does that plate hold any significance?
No clue, it looks like a million other plates I ate off of. Even the specter couldn’t give two zjiks about it, so Drim would let them fight over the useless dinnerware with inflated importance.
“For our last item of the day, we have not only a one-of-a-kind painting, but the rarest, most sought after painting in the entire world!” The auctioneer pulled away the sheet covering a dazzling abstract piece locked in a glass case. It had dotted history books since the beginning of the written word. The original meaning was lost, so it was pretty common for people to come up with their own. Most often, though, it just went over people's heads.
“The Stultus Nummorum! Yes, you can believe your eyes. It is the genuine article. We’ve had it tested by the thirty most renowned art groups across Rathe. It was generously donated by one of our audience members here today, Mr. Roque Personson. The painting is currently valued at over 800 million commons, but we will start the bidding today at 600 million.”
This was what everyone had been waiting for—everyone left but the Fiends who couldn’t care less. What use would they have for it? Decorate their mansion, they supposed, but none of them particularly liked it to begin with. Plus, since Roque had been the one to donate it, that really showed how little value it had to their group to begin with.
“You seriously donated that thing?” Phon was the one to pry. “The king of greed himself gave away something that valuable? Hell, you probably could have just sold it to Rishaki outright for a fortune.”
“She didn’t want it,” Roque huffed. “Something about it being cursed in Zjiksan legend. And, well, sometimes you just have to… do… something good… for people…” He couldn’t keep a straight face and started snickering to himself, clearly up to something.
“Sold for 1.267 billion commons to the CEO of VisageVista Corp!” The auctioneer eagerly slammed his gavel to end the event.
“Isn’t that the company that does a bunch of horrible animal testing?” Kada whispered to the rest of the group.
“Hmm, explains the annoying vibe I’ve been getting,” Drim focused on the man who was self congratulating himself.
“Yes, that’s the prick indeed,” Roque confirmed. “And one of my age-old business rivals, how good for him that he won.” In that moment, Roque’s face turned so wicked and sinister that an entire religion could have been spawned just based on having him as the picture of evil.
“Congratulations!” Roque went over and shook the man’s hand. “Thank you for donating so much to charity. I hope you enjoy your time with the painting. Your very little time.” He then held out his other hand and a contract unfurled. It was a brand new contract, writing itself in the moment, and even wrote out a bill of transfer from the current owner.
A moment later, a picture of the painting appeared on the paper, and then the document vanished entirely. And so did the painting, out of the glass case and into the void. “Just in case you weren’t aware, all purchases from this auction are completely non-refundable, regardless of what may happen mere moments later.”
“So thank you for donating so generously to the ‘Go Mawhg Yourself’ fund. I hope you’ll continue to patronize it in the future. And remember, Go Mawhg Yourself.” The man tried to stop him when he walked away, but Roque merely brushed him aside, laughing maniacally until he was gone out the front door and gasping for air.