“Y’know, it’s nice to have time with just the two of us. It doesn’t happen often,” Kada commented as she and Drim returned to The Tourist. Normally when robbing banks, the pairs were Drim & Phon and Kada & Xard, assuming they bothered to break into pairs to begin with. So, having it be the two of them alone was indeed a rarity. This was due to the last major town they’d visited earlier that day. It was holding a home-economics fair.

Phon wanted to enter the cooking competition to, “Trounce their futile efforts and make them grovel at my feet. And if I’m feeling generous I just may share a few of my recipes.” Xard decided to join her and wander around to perhaps come up with some form of inspiration. Neither Drim or Kada had any interest, so they decided to go on ahead and progress their goal. They left the banks in that town for Phon and Xard to handle later, which they’d rob before returning to join up again.

Since they’d split up, Drim and Kada had already cleared three towns on their own. The first town had five banks, the second only had a single bank, and the third town they’d just cleared had four. Even with just the two of them, they were making surprisingly good time. “So, what do you want to do Drim?” Kada questioned him as she leaned against The Tourist’s hood. “We probably still have a while before the other two catch up. Should we head to the next town or call it good and find some food or something?”

There was no response, which wasn’t too odd since Drim would often be lost in thought over one thing or another. Then, she heard his stomach growl, which seemed to have made the choice for him. She glanced over, only to find him staring off in the distance, and drool actually coming out of his mouth. “Jeez Drim, if you were that hungry you should have said something. Let’s go get something to eat.”

Still not looking at her, Drim wiped his mouth with one hand, and pointed a finger with the other. She followed his finger, and one of the strangest creatures she had ever seen was at the end. It appeared to be an overgrown, plump rabbit, but several of its traits were off. It had the horns of a cow along with a similar black and white coloration, and for some reason, it had udders too. It also had wings on its back that definitely wouldn’t allow it to fly.

Lastly, it had the tail and nose of a pig. It looked like someone had taken all of the major farm animals and smashed them together into a single abomination. Thorned vines suddenly appeared out of Drim, and attempted to strike at the monster. The animal, however, was oddly nimble and managed to dodge. Unsurprisingly, it started to flee, but slightly surprisingly, Drim chased after it with extreme haste. “Kada, we have to catch it. No matter what, don’t let it escape!”

◆◆◆

The two of them chased the bizarre animal for quite some time, but it evaded any attempt at capture. When they thought they had it cornered, it had escaped down a cave entrance they hadn’t noticed. Drim immediately climbed in after it without warning. Once Kada was inside as well, Drim raised his hand towards the entrance. A net of vines appeared, blocking off any way to escape. “There, now if we miss it, that will at least trap it in here with us,” Drim said confidently.

“Just what the hell is that thing, Drim?” Kada wondered. “You seem quite obsessed with it.”

“I call it the Menagemeat,” Drim answered. “It’s never been officially recorded in any bestiary, so it’s never been given one of the stupid names that all the others have. If it did, it would probably be called something like chicowrabbipig. I’ve also never met anyone else who has come across it, and honestly I started to think I just dreamt the first one. Anyways, that’s not important. What is important is that it’s the most delicious meat in this world, and I would do anything to eat it again.”

“Is it really that good?” Kada wasn’t quite convinced.

“Think of the most delicious thing you’ve ever eaten, Pox balls included,” Drim behooved her. “Now imagine it being burnt to a crisp, thrown in the dirt, and tossed in the garbage. That’s what it would taste like compared to the Menagemeat.”

“Alright, I’m sold, let’s get that thing!” Kada was motivated. “It’s pretty dark, though. I’ll be fine, but will you manage?” Kada flipped the sunglasses atop her headband down and they automatically latched to her face. The world lit up, and she could now see perfectly as if they were out in broad daylight.

“Yeah, I tend to over prepare, and this is no exception.” Drim reached behind into his cloak. He pulled a small headlamp out of his quiver and put it around his head. Now that they could see, they started heading down the narrow passage, but then Drim stopped again. “Oh right, I forgot something, one second.” Several bundles of flax appeared before Drim and began spinning around, scrunching and transforming in the air.

About a minute later, two pairs of gloves were made. “Please put these on,” Drim instructed her. “They’re probably not very comfortable, but there’s a reason. We have destructive oils in our hands that can damage natural caves like these. I know most people probably don’t care, but I feel like Rathe has been damaged enough already.”

Kada smiled as she put on the gloves. They were a little rough, but she didn’t mind. This was just the kind of thing the Drim she knew would do, and was happy he was acting like his usual self. She really wanted to do horrible things to his mother, and imagined the others wanted to do the same for what she’d done, putting Drim through such torment and trying to change him from the pure-hearted boy he’s meant to be.

The pair worked their way slowly through the cave. Unfortunately, without Phon, there was no way to easily track the Menagemeat. The cave was solid rock, so there were no footprints to follow, and the creature didn’t even seem to shed an ounce of fur. Their only solace was that there seemed to be just one exit, meaning they would run into the creature again eventually. As they went, Drim continuously put up more nets to block it from doubling back.

Eventually, they reached a ledge they had to shimmy across with their backs against a wall. Only a few feet in, Kada slipped and started falling into the chasm below them. Drim grabbed onto her arm in the knick of time, and pulled her back up to solid ground. “Sorry, thanks,” Kada panted appreciatively. “I guess water shoes aren’t really good for this.”

“Uhh, I think I can do something about that.” Drim knelt down and applied vines around her shoes to help her get traction. He also tied a vine connecting them around both their waists in case one of them slipped again. As one last safety precaution, Drim took her by the hand, and led her the rest of the way across the ledge. She was glad he was looking ahead, because her face was blushing the whole time.

Soon, they came across a diverging path, in the form of a series of small tunnels they’d have to crawl through. They decided to start with the largest one, since it was most likely the way the Menagemeat went. If they reached a dead end, they would return here and try another tunnel. Drim went first, shimmying his body through. Kada went after him, but there was a problem.

“Uhh, Drim! I think I’m stuck!” Kada wriggled around, trying to get loose, but it just made things worse. She was completely locked in at both her butt and chest, and now she was immediately regretting all those times she said she was going to go on a diet but didn’t. Though perhaps this was more due to muscle gain. These quandaries didn’t make her any less stuck and she was starting to feel the effects. Claustrophobia was beginning to ensue.

“Please Drim, help me get out!” Kada wailed, on the verge of tears, as she fruitlessly tried to get herself free.

Drim crouched down in front of her and smiled. “It’s alright. Calm down Kada. It’ll be fine. Remember, you can melt yourself free, yeah?”

Kada immediately felt stupid. The panic and sense of vulnerability had made her entirely forget about being a Fiend. She radiated her Curse around her, and instantly felt relieved as the rock liquified, giving her more room. Drim grabbed her arm and pulled her through the rest of the way. The rest of the expedition continued without incident. They returned to the splitting-off point several times, sealing off already completed holes.

With only a few left, they were starting to feel both excited that they were close, and worried that the Menagemeat somehow had escaped. Through their current tunnel, they somehow found something even weirder than a delicious mutation: a door. It wasn’t an ancient door like the one they’d found in Anoint. It was just a normal door, like one would find on any old house.

“Should we knock?” Kada asked jokingly.

“I mean, I guess,” Drim replied. He knocked, but there was no response. “Assumed as much. Whatever this place is, it was probably abandoned a while ago.” He tried the doorknob, but it broke off when he turned it, most likely from rust. “Do I need to ask?” he directed at Kada.

“Yeah, I’ll get it.” Kada tapped the door once, and it melted into a pile of goo. They stepped over the puddle, and then Kada returned it to normal. There was no particular reason for her to do so, it just felt better that way. What they found inside was just as surprising as the door. There was furniture, cooking utensils, baskets of clothing, and walls lined with bookshelves filled with hundreds of books. This was someone’s home, and it was in much better condition than the door.

The two of them whirled around when they heard snoring nearby. At the source, they found an old man asleep in a recliner, an open book draped across his face. “Excuse me, sir?” Drim tapped the old man’s hand, trying to wake him. The man stirred, and groggily lifted the book off of his face. Drim then resumed his questioning. “I can guess the answer, but I still have to ask. Have you seen a giant fat rabbit that looks like an unholy abomination?”

Finally fully awake, the old man jerked upwards. He grabbed the rifle that was leaning against the chair and pointed it at Drim. “Conflabbit! I knew you would come for me one day!” the man yelled. “I’ll tell you right now, I ain’t going with ya! I refuse to be a soldier for your acCursed army, and I refuse to work as a forced laborer in some mine, or wherever you’re putting strong people like myself these days! I’ve stayed out of this war for… uhh, what year is it?”

“2077,” Drim answered.

“I’ve stayed out of this war for 19 years, and it’ll be a hot day in hell before I submit to you Drazah scum!” the old man continued his rambling.

“Uhh, I think you’re confused about something,” Kada tried to inform him. “The Drazah war ended 12 years ago and—”

“Hah, like you’ll trick me so easily!” the old man cut her off and swung the gun in her direction. “I went up there for a few days to restock and I saw nothing but the name Drazah on every paper! What kinda solider are you anyways girlie?! Coming around in a skimpy bathing suit. You here to tempt me with favors? A smart tactic, but I won’t be swayed. Kid, please keep your temptatious hussy away from me!”

“Hu... Hussy?!” Kada spat. She was about ready to punch him but Drim stopped her.

“I do really apologize for us barging in like this, sir, and we’ll leave in a moment,” Drim emphasized. “But what she says is true. The Drazah war ended 12 years ago, I saw to it myself. My name is Drim Drazah and—”

“Drazah, I knew it! Those crazy bastards took over the world and forced everyone to take their last name, didn’t they?!” The old man looked even more serious as he spouted this while constantly swinging the gun back and forth between the two of them.

“Kada, could you—” Drim didn’t even have to finish his request before Kada acted. She tapped his gun and it melted in the old man’s hands.

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

He panicked even more, leaping out of his chair, as fast as his old body would let him. He shuffled behind Drim, and grumbled, “Hey sonny, is she a witch?”

“No, she isn’t, but we do know a real witch-” Drim trailed off for a moment. “Anyways, back to what I was saying. I’m Drim Drazah, the son of Eleen and Relyk Drazah. Along with my sister, we killed our parents and put an end to the Drazah war. That sparked an event known as the Cosmic Boon, which enabled us, along with a few others, to gain superpowers under certain conditions. I know that’s all very hard to believe, but you could do research at any library or look on the internet for a few minutes to confirm it.”

“Hmm,” the old man grumbled. He sat down in his chair again and seemed to be thinking critically. “The internet, huh. I heard of that a while ago, guess it’s gained more popularity. As for your story, it definitely is implausible… but not impossible. To tell you the truth, it reminds me of a tale from one of Grin’s works.”

“Oh, I love Grin! He’s one of my favorite authors!” Drim suddenly beamed.

“Huh, surprising to see someone so young who knows of his work,” the man stated. “Those are ancient fables. They’ve been around since before even I was born. I’m not quite sure how old they are, if I’m being honest. It’s refreshing seeing today’s youth appreciate the classics.”

“Yeah, I love books, they’re my favorite way to relax,” Drim admitted. “Just looking around, I can see you’re a fan too. Already, I’ve counted at least ten rare books that aren’t in circulation anymore and can’t be bought digitally. If you’re willing, I’d love to buy at least one of them from you.”

“Take ‘em,” the old man dismissively waved his hand.

“Are you sure?!” Drim asked, his voice teeming with anticipation. “Like I said, they’re rare. You could sell them for a lot of money.”

“I’ve already read every book down here a dozen times over,” the man proclaimed. “They’re better off in someone’s hands who will enjoy them more.” A few more seconds later, Drim and the old man had started a deep conversation about literature that Kada couldn’t help but want to tune out of. It was astonishing how fast things went from a confrontation to the two of them acting like best friends.

Feeling awkward just standing around, Kada decided to explore. She looked through all the shelves that weren’t books, and felt like she was taking a nostalgia trip. There was an old tube tv, video tapes, even an early generation video game console. Somehow, the man had gotten power down here, but had never updated any of his technology. She wondered for a moment if it would be rude of her to ask if she could play some games.

Kada tuned in to the conversation once more to see how things were progressing. “So did the Footnote series ever get finished?” the man asked Drim.

“No, unfortunately,” Drim replied with a sigh. “Though several more volumes have been released. It’s hard to say if it will ever be finished at this rate. I guess it’ll go until the author runs out of ideas and decides to wrap it up. The quality has kept up, however, so I can’t say I’ve gotten tired of it.”

“That’s good,” the old man seemed relieved. “That series is definitely more about the journey than the ending, so I’ll happily read as many as are put out.”

“Wow, I wholeheartedly agree!” Drim bubbled happily. “It’s so hard to get people into the series because it’s so long, but—”

It was at this point that Kada tuned out again. She had spotted another door other than the one they used to enter, and her curiosity was not going to let it go. This door wasn’t rusted shut like the last, and she walked through. Kada followed the long winding path, expecting to find another exit to the cave, but it never came. Instead, her ears were filled with the sound of rushing water as she gazed at a beautiful sight. “I definitely need to show this to Drim!”

When Kada returned, the two of them were still going at it. The urge to show Drim the thing she’d found was rapidly outweighing her patience. She didn’t want to interrupt, but also didn’t want to wait forever. So, she took a passive aggressive approach, and started staring daggers at the old man in the hopes that he’d realize that he was being a third-wheel. However, the longer she stared at him, the longer something felt wrong.

Kada rattled around in her brain as she continued to stare, the other two completely unaware of her gaze. Finally, something clicked, and she hurriedly pulled out her phone. Kada began scrolling through the recent job entries from the pings they’d gotten. Finally, she found what she was looking for, held up her phone, and shouted, “It is you!” Displayed on the screen was the man’s face, taken from what looked like security camera footage.

“Huh, what are you babbling about?” the man scoffed. “I’ve never seen that person in my life. He looks nothing like me.”

Drim took the phone from Kada and examined the picture. “No, she’s right, it’s definitely you,” he confirmed.

The old man took the phone now and studied it with a grimace. “I guess it’s been so long since I’ve seen myself… So, this is me, huh? I went and got so old before I knew it. Alright girly, what’s this about anyways?”

Kada took the phone, scrolled a bit, then handed it back to him. “This was a request we received,” she informed him.

The man read the text on the screen aloud. “Sorry to trouble you with this, but we’re unsure what else to do. We don’t want to go to the police just yet if this can be handled easily. I’m an employee at a grocery store in town, and over the past few days there’s been a string of ‘robberies’ in our store. The man seen in the attached picture has been sneaking in during the night, selecting items, leaving money for the groceries, and then leaves.”

“This honestly wouldn’t be an issue except the money he is paying with is no longer the currency we use. We can take it to a bank and have it converted, but therein lies another issue. It’s way too much! The value of the old currency greatly exceeds the modern one, it also appears he is accounting for an older sales tax which is higher than the current. I’m sure you’re wondering why don’t we just take the profit, but the truth is, we’ve come to worry about the man.”

“He goes through all the effort of sneaking in when he could just come in normally, and he is clearly stuck in a past era. The old money and a single glance at his wardrobe will tell you as much. We just want to talk to him, and make sure he’s okay. If you could find him, we’d be very appreciative. For a reward, we’ll give you the difference in money he’s paid with.”

The old man set the phone aside and leaned forward in his chair. He placed a hand over his eyes, and seconds later, tears started flowing. “I see… just from reading that, I can tell that everything you said was true. The war is over, the world is at peace, and what a good world it is… To think, I’ve missed out on so much and there are those who’d still worry about an old man like me…”

The old man spryly sprung from his chair, and walked over to a ladder, which up until now Kada had assumed was just to reach the higher shelved books. He grabbed the base and turned towards the two of them. “I’m leaving,” he announced. “It seems I’ve caused a fuss and I must apologize. Assuming the world’s as good as I believe, I won’t be returning here. Take whatever you want, as my thanks.”

The man climbed the ladder to the top, and pushed against the ceiling. There was a creak, and then dim sunlight poured into the hovel. He had opened a hatch, exposing the setting sun. “Wait, before you go!” Drim called out to him. “Won’t you at least tell us your name?”

“Humph,” the old man grunted. “Now why would I tell something so important to the enemy?!” It was hard to tell if it was a joke or not, but the old man had a smile on his face before he clambered out of the cave.

“Okay, now that he’s gone, Drim I found-” Drim’s stomach rumbled again, cutting her off. “Uhh, I guess we should do something about that, I’m starving myself. He has to have a pantry somewhere in here. Shall we take him up on his offer and see what he’s got?”

The pair searched around for a bit, looking for his food stash. “No way,” Drim gasped. It wasn’t food he had found, but a series of old looking action figures. “I had a lot of these as a kid, but I never did complete the set before they stopped making them. He has the whole thing, even the limited edition one!” Kada smiled again. When Drim picked up one of the figures she felt like she got a glimpse into what he was like as a child, playing with them.

Eventually, they found the man’s food, and it was abundant, practically a stuffed cornucopia full of goodies. “Holy zjik,” Kada exclaimed when she pulled out a box of pastries. “I haven’t had one of these in years! They took them off the market because they were too unhealthy. I’m pretty sure they’re supposed to keep forever, so they’ll be safe to eat, right?”

“Dunno, never had one,” Drim admitted. Kada was shaken by this, and it became a top priority. She grabbed the pastries, along with an armful of other food, and finally told Drim about what she’d found. Carrying a plethora of food with them, Kada escorted him down the winding path.

Finally, they reached the sound of rushing water. At its source was a massive waterfall pouring down into a large pool. In the center of the pool was a small island, with a man made bridge to get to it. There was a blanket already laid out for them to sit, seeming like the old man visited here often for a similar reason. They sat down, and immediately dug into their food.

Kada practically stuffed one of the ancient pastries into Drim’s mouth. After a bit of chewing, he mumbled, “ish good,” with his cheeks full.

Kada ate one as well, but wasn’t quite satisfied. “Not as good as I remember. Don’t get me wrong, they’re still pretty good, though noticeably a bit stale. I guess nostalgia warped my memory of them.”

“Or maybe age simply changed your tastes,” Drim suggested. “That’s the thing about growing up, nothing ever stays the same.”

“Isn’t that the truth…” Kada sighed before popping open a can of food.

“We never did find the Menagemeat, but this moment makes up for it. I’m glad we could share it together,” Drim said earnestly.

As they enjoyed their feast, Kada couldn’t help but notice how relaxed she felt. The sound of the waterfall, the cool temperature, the serene atmosphere, and the company; all of it was making her feel at ease, and she wanted it to last forever. Moments like this didn’t come often anymore, so she’d take it in for all it was worth.

A few minutes passed in the blink of an eye. Kada hadn’t realized that she’d spaced out, just staring at the waterfall, admiring its beauty. “I wish you could see it clearly like I can…” she mumbled longingly. “It’s so beautiful. I’d offer you my glasses but I’m not sure how to take them off the headband.”

“Hmm, well maybe I can do something about it.” Drim placed his hand on the ground, and it started to glow. A flurry of plants sprouted out beneath them and then continued to spread around the area. They went underneath the water and up onto the walls. The plants consisted of several types: mosses, bulbs, grass, and they all started to shine. Soon, the entire room was filled with a green glow that lit it up bright as day.

Kada took off her glasses and was stunned. It had turned the already beautiful scene into something mystical. No one else in the world could see this, or even come close to something like it. It was just for them, and it was breathtaking. She didn’t know if it was the atmosphere or what, but a feeling swept over Kada. It inspired her to scoot a little closer, wanting to be right next to Drim.

Her heart started pounding the closer she got, until they were practically shoulder to shoulder. She turned to face him and he looked back at her. Even in this magnificent scenery, she could see nothing else. Kada didn’t know what was going to happen, but she knew she couldn’t stop it now. She closed her eyes, and leaned forward…

“If you kiss me, I’ll punch you.” Harsh words cut sharply into Kada’s euphoric state. She opened her eyes, and Xard was sitting in front of her where Drim had been. It seemed their time alone had expired. Phon had most likely seen what was happening, and panicked. All of Kada’s questions were answered a few moments later. She and Xard were teleported back up to the surface, while Drim was in the middle of explaining everything that had happened.

There were a lot of nasty glares at Kada, but everyone eventually calmed down. When Drim explained the Menagemeat to Phon, she was able to locate it, still hiding down in the cave. The poor rabbit-esque creature that had been chased all day likely thought it had gotten away. Instead, it magically appeared in front of a group of hungry Fiends with no chance to escape.

“By the way, Phon, how’d the cooking contest go?” Drim said as they sat down to enjoy their mostly rabbit stew. It was a bit hard to take him seriously, with how much he was drooling.

“I won, of course. It was barely even a competition,” Phon gloated. “If only I had this meat. It would have melted their tongues off.”

“Quite literally, if it wasn’t Drim who cut the meat properly to stop the decay’s spread,” Xard quipped.

Kada ate her meal quietly, likely enjoying the extravagant deliciousness a bit less than the others. It had been a chaotic and emotional day for her, and her head was still mulling over the details. In the end, she was just glad everything was back to normal.

Fiends For Hire Internal Dialogue 3

Eleen: You have no idea how badly I wanted to speak up and terrify the ever-loving zjik out of that man.

Drim: If you had done that I would have been forced to watch a hundred hours of CP press releases as retaliation.

Eleen: Oh my, how insidious! You know I can’t stand the drivel they constantly spew.

Drim: Can’t say I’m a huge fan myself, that just goes to show how badly I’d feel the need to punish you.

Eleen: Well, I like the creativity, full marks there. I’ll have to step up my game. My ideas for how to get back at that girl for the stunt she tried to pull were nowhere near as clever. My daughter finally did something good for once, ruining that mood.

Drim: I have no idea what you’re talking about…