The group was led to their Utility Room, an odd choice since it wasn’t really that big, so it’d be a little cramped with this many of them. They found Rezin there waiting, sitting at a round table and wearing a cow-print cap with stitched-in horns. On the table already were several books, grid paper, figurines of all kinds, and countless dice in varying shapes and sides.

“Today we’ll be playing Battles & Bovines!” Rezin introduced the game once everyone had a seat on a stool around the table. “It’s a table-top game made by Bovination from one of their marketing ploys a few decades ago. There’s always been a cult-following, but it’s been gaining a surge of popularity in the mainstream lately.”

“You pick the character you want, and then I’ll guide you on a journey to solve a dairy-based disaster plaguing the world of Cheddatia. The way you save it is through dice rolls and your own imagination. I’ll be controlling the enemy forces and moving the story forward, but you can do whatever and play however you want! It’s really quite a spectacular and innovative game, and is the inspiration for a lot of video games.”

“So we should attack you?” Phon raised a fist as a vague threat.

“Huh?!” Rezin flinched reflexively.

“You said you’re the enemy, right?” Phon confirmed. “So if I beat you up, we win, right? That’s what my imagination came up with.”

“Uwah, no!” Rezin gravely protested. “No actual violence in this game. It’s all about having fun and enjoying the world. But you can imagine beating up the enemies all you want, and we’re playing in the Utility Room to help with immersion even more.”

“Haha, I'll be great at this!” Kada boasted her superiority. “I’ve got so much imagination, it’s spilling out my ass. I will trump your imaginations so hard that the only thing you’ll be able to picture in your minds is how great I am!”

“It’s also not a competition,” Rezin clarified. “You’ll be working together for a common goal. Though, it is allowed for you to steal, trick, manipulate, or even attack each other if that’s a route you want to take. But to keep this campaign at reasonable length, it’s probably best to work together.”

“This will be a fairly short one, since Chorus has said we’ll either go until it’s done or pass out from exhaustion, so I’ve picked the most basic campaign possible. But it will still likely take several hours. You’ll all be starting out with partially leveled characters, so go ahead and pick your classes. I have a list here.”

The group took a few minutes to look through the selections before everyone was ready. “I’ll be the Druid Ranger,” Drim picked the obvious choice for him just looking at them. “Mermaid Songstress!” Kada was ecstatic that they had a class that was practically tailor made for her. “Battle Mage,” Xard picked up the piece and slammed it down. “Vanishing Rogue,” Phon knocked over Xard’s piece to present hers more prominently.

“Okay, uhh, yeah, no,” Rezin outright rejected their choices and picked up a sheet of paper. “Chorus said that if you all were super predictable, and picked exactly those classes, that I was to assign you different classes instead.”

“For Drim, you get to be the Void Ripper,” Rezin set down a piece that looked like a monstrous horror. “They attack by sending everything they touch to the void and only know destruction.”

“Kada is going to be the Retired Warmonger.” The piece depicted a very burly older woman with a massive club. “You’re old and surly, saying you never want to fight again, but it doesn’t take much to spur you into battle. Very low charisma, mostly grunts, but high battle stats and wisdom.”

“Xard is the Dairy Enchanter.”

“What the heck is that even?” Xard looked at the figurine of a busty woman holding a staff with a wedge of cheese on top.

“Buffs and support spells mostly,” Rezin answered. “But if there’s any dairy products nearby, you can manipulate them.”

“And Phon will be the Thespian,” he handed the piece over to the girl who looked disgusted by the idea. “Almost no combat stats but the highest charisma in the game. If you play it well, you can talk your way out of anything or persuade the most strong-headed foes.”

“Can I intimidate them into doing whatever I want?” Phon asked with a burning curiosity in her eyes, like her cooperation solely depended on the answer.

“Uhh, yes, but you won’t make many friends that way,” the boy replied sheepishly.

“Then we have no problem.”

“Okay, let’s get started then. I, the Farm Master, shall be your guide on today’s journey through Cheddatia. You’re an adventuring party that has been traveling together for a while. After your last quest, you decided to stop and relax in the closest city for a few days. It’s a decently sized place, the biggest dairy producer in the area.”

“You all slept in at the inn, so when you head down for your meal, most of the regulars have already cleared out. They’re still serving breakfast, but also preparing for lunch, so you can order for either menu. A waitress comes over to your table and asks, ‘What will you have?’”

“Eh, that didn’t sound like a waitress to me. It sounded like our buddy Rezin.” It seemed Phon planned to be obstinate for the entire play session.

If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

“Yeah, Rezin, it’d be awesome if you did a voice,” Kada encouraged him. “Think of how much more immersive it’d be!”

“Oh, speaking of immersion, I almost forgot,” the Farm Master picked up the control tablet for the Utility Room and changed the scene. Next thing they knew, they were surrounded by the decor of a fantasy diner with matching noise and ambiance playing in the background. There were even a few other ‘patrons’ displayed, enjoying their meals and engaging in conversation.

“‘Thank you for visiting our establishment, brave adventurers. What can I get you to eat this morn?’” Rezin performed his best feminine voice, which really wasn’t that far off from his normal voice.

“Is it really imperative that we order something?” Xard was doubtful. “We’re trying not to take forever with this, right? Shouldn’t we skip ahead to the plot.”

“No, I’ll defend it there,” Drim disagreed. “A lot of storytelling is setting the mood and getting you in the right headspace. Just go along with it. I’ll have some milk tea and a slice of cheesecake,” he selected from the menus that Chorus handed out to them.

“Fruit parfait,” Phon quickly ordered next.

“I guess I’ll have the cheese omelet with buttered toast,” Xard went with a classic breakfast.

“You all are thinking too small,” Kada tutted at them. “Clearly we are strong, active adventurers who need lots of calories, especially since we’re about to be thrown into some epic quest. Who knows when we’ll get to eat next. I’ll have the triple decker cheeseburger, extra large flies, and banana milkshake in a glug-glug jug.”

“And, uhhh, are we going to get this food in real life?” Kada glanced over to Chorus for some gluttony induced meta-gaming.

“We literally just ate minutes ago,” Xard shook his head.

“Well, all this food talk made me hungry again, alright?” she protested and then pouted when nothing was served.

“‘Thank you for waiting, I’m back with your meals.’ The waitress returns with a tray of food. ‘I’m afraid that we’re out of some ingredients, so some alterations had to be made. I hope you don’t mind.’ She begins setting your food down in front of you.”

“In front of Drim, she sets down a cup of regular tea and a slice of crust. For Phon, it’s a cup of mixed fruit and granola. For Xard, it’s a sheet of plain egg and dry toast. And Kada gets a hamburger, fries, and a glug-glug jug of unknown contents. You can’t see what’s inside at this angle.’”

“So what’s in it?!” Kada began glancing around in real life as if that would somehow help her.

“Uhh, roll for perception,” Rezin suggested. Kada picked up one of the dice and rolled a 2. “You have no idea what’s in the jug. You tried to look but something shiny distracted you at the last minute.”

“Can I look for her?” Xard offered.

“Sure!” He rolled a 13. “It’s a jug full of bananas. Just regular, peeled, unmushed bananas.”

“Okay, so it seems that the connecting thread is that none of our foods have dairy in them,” Drim pieced it together. “Excuse me, miss. I take it this means you don’t have any dairy products?”

“‘Yes, it’s so weird,’ the waitress looked just as puzzled as your group. ‘There were apparently none at all when the chef got in this morning. No milk, no cheese, no cream, no butter, nothing! I apologize for the adjustments, but… no refunds!’ She then walks away in a hurry.”

“Okay, let’s evaluate the damage here,” Kada laced her fingers together. “Phon just got some fruit, that’s fine enough. Drim’s tea is also fine as it is. The crust is a bit weird, but probably still pleasant to munch on. Plain eggs are fine for Xard, and he can just use jelly on the toast.”

“Now, I’m not really mad about the jug of nanners, but to serve me a plain burger with no cheese at all. That’s Cosdamned heresy!” she mimicked trying to grab something at the table, her eyes darting over to Rezin. “I pick up my burger and slam it to the ground.”

“Roll for slam. It’s an attack roll.”

“Woo, a 30! That’s the best one, right?!” Kada leapt up and cheered.

“Uhh, yes,” Rezin seemed a little taken aback that she’d roll one so easily. “Add your modifiers and that’s a 57. You pick up the burger and slam it down to the ground with such force that it breaks the wood floor. The burger disintegrates into a million pieces and sprays all over the room, permanently staining some spots forever.”

“The chef looks over from the nearby kitchen, bits of tomato sliding down his face. He is distraught, and his soul is crushed. Second thoughts are going through his mind if he should have ever become a chef in the first place. Even though he couldn’t make your meal perfectly, he tried his best, but now he may quit his job.”

Kada slumped back in her stool, her face twisted in horror. “What have I done…? I’m sorry Mr. Chef. So sorry…”

“You eat your meals, or what’s left of them, and then head outside,” Rezin ushered the story along. “Suddenly, you’re met with panic. A single father shouts, ‘Milk! Does anyone have any milk! Please, for my baby!’ Nearby there is a cheese wheel merchant whose cart is up on blocks because the cart’s wheels were also made of cheese.”

“A crowd rushes by you, all head in the same direction. One of them spouts something about an announcement being made to find out what's going on. Do you follow them?”

“Well, the plot’s not going to progress itself if we don’t gather information, I guess,” Phon admitted. “We follow the crowd, but not run among them in some big erratic stampede.”

“You follow the crowd to the town’s square. There, a public official is standing up on a stage and making an announcement. ‘We have heard everyone’s concerns and have looked into the matter as quickly as possible. It is with great regret that I inform you, that sometime in the middle of the night, all milk and milk accessories were stolen!’”

“‘Through contact with our neighbors, we believe this to be a global issue across all of Cheddatia! Furthermore, any new milk that is produced from a cow is immediately teleported away by some strange magic. But because of this, we believe that it is the evil fiend-’”

“I just want to take a moment to interrupt and clarify that this game was made before Fiends existed, so it is not referring to one of us.”

“‘We believe that it is the evil fiend and cow rustling overlord, Brutacious, that is behind this!’” There are gasps among the crowd, because they all know that Brutacious is the worst fiend, again not us, in the surrounding lands. ‘Until the villain is stopped by brave adventurers, I’m afraid that we must push forward with our lives that will remain… lactose-free!’”

“Panic ensues. Several women faint on the spot. The citizens cry out, begging for someone to save them. A few rush to the local deli, needing to confirm for themselves their grim fate.”

“Now then, brave heroes. What will you do?”