“Welcome everyone to the inaugural episode of Hapless Hopefuls, the dating show where we take lonely losers and give them a chance to become lovers. For this first episode, we’re restricting it to the denizens of Fiendish, but who knows, in the future, maybe any schmuck around the world will get the chance to chase their heart! Let’s introduce today’s lucky contestants!”
Chorus stepped back from the camera, showing more of the throne room that had been redecorated as a cheesy set. It was riddled with painted hearts and banners, balloons and ribbons, even a giant stuffed animal in the corner holding an ‘I Love You’ pillow that had no business actually being in anyone’s home. It was impressive how it all came together over just one night, but disconcerting that the items were so easily obtainable on demand, even with the holiday.
The host approached the first of the five contestants that were all sitting on slightly uncomfortable looking stools arranged in a line. “She acts like everyone’s childhood friend, a little kooky but caring, ditsy but endearing. Contestant #1: The Safe Choice, Kada Susten!”
“Next, we have a classic example of enemies-to-lovers. What great relationship doesn’t begin with lies and attempted murder? I know all of mine have. Will they? Won’t they? Not if the others have their say. Contestant #2: The Obstinate Rival, Jaid Luciri!”
“Our third prospective lover is looking to turn bromance into romance. Some of you out there might have an issue with his inclusion, but love finds a way, tough it out prissy cups. He’ll fight for your heart just as hard as he fights crime. Contestant #3: The Diversity Option, Xard Randex!”
“The fourth hopeful originally planned to use love as a weapon, but found the tables turned in ways she never expected. After being treated like a real person for the first time in her life, she was ambushed with emotions like a puppy adopted at the pound. Contestant #4: The Blossoming Wallflower, Victori Darquees!”
“And finally, who doesn’t love affection and pampering, especially when it’s unconditional. Even the most put-together people might want to be spoiled. And for many, being older only adds to the charm. She’ll take care of you until the day you die. Contestant #5: The Parental Surrogate, Mallea Dulip!”
“Wait, why is Mallea actually here?” Kada began to protest. “Don’t tell me you really do want Drim after all this time and you’re planning to abuse your position to make him fall for you?!”
“Hmph, I have no interest in your pathetic games and pretend romance since you can’t be honest with your feelings like adults,” Mallea outright denied the accusations and chastised everyone involved. “But someone has to protect the Young Master from this foolishness. How selfish of you all to hijack his life and plans for your own pathetic whims. And if that means I have to make a fool of myself to stop you, well, at least it will give me the opportunity to prove that I know him the best out of anyone.”
“Quiet rabble, you’ll get your chance to speak!” Chorus shut down any further off-script nonsense. “Let’s get to the start of today’s show. Our bachelor who is blessed with popularity, whether he wants to be or not. It’s none other than the Fiendish King himself, Drim Drazah!”
Fake applause erupted around the room as the camera focused on a booth off to the side where Drim was sitting alone. Unlike any other contestants on a dating show who would be ecstatic by the opportunity the man’s face was clearly unamused.
“Now then, Drim couldn’t actually hear any of the introductions,” the host began explaining the specifics. “And when our contestants talk, their voices will be modified. He’ll have no idea which is which, let alone who is even in this competition. Though I’m sure it wouldn’t be hard for him to guess.”
“I wonder if he believes his sister is among them. Sorry to say for anyone looking forward to familial drama or scandal, but Phon Drazah won’t be making an appearance. She’s nowhere to be seen and won’t find out about this before it’s too late, but it doesn’t mean we should dally, so let’s move on.”
“Now then, Drim,” the man slightly perked to attention when Chorus called on him. “Is there anything you’d like to say to the candidates or the viewers at home before we get started?”
“I got tricked,” the king’s face puffed to a pout. “I was told that we were starting a video book club to connect with the readers amongst our audience. Hell, I even stayed up late reading the title Chorus told me so that I’d be able to contribute properly. Can’t exactly say I’m in the mood for your antics right now.”
“Well too damn bad!” the producer could only laugh. “You’re here now and you’re not leaving until it’s over because the booth locks from the outside! So be a good boy and play along. You wouldn’t want to disappoint those who so earnestly came forward to be here today, desperately wanting you to hear them out, throwing away all shame and reservation just for this chance.”
“Ughhh, no….” Drim sighed but had to accept his situation. “I swear that I’m here to listen and will give them the same level of respect that they feel for me.”
“Very good!” Chorus took that as permission to do whatever the zjik they wanted as long as it generally followed the guidelines laid forth. “At the end of this event, Drim will choose from one of our lovely contestants. Then, the two of them will leave from here onto a private skycraft where they’ll fly to a secluded venue and spend a romantic evening together of fine dining and privacy…with some spying cameras included.”
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“Well I definitely didn’t agree to that,” Drim’s eyes widened, the first he was hearing of his pre-decided evening.
“Shush, you’ll do it and you’ll like it!” the producer insisted. “That, or you’ll spend the night in the booth, and there’s no bathroom in that thing.”
“Seriously, why did we hire you?” the man began reevaluating all of his life decisions that had led him to this moment.
“Because you had no choice!” Chorus boldly reminded him. “Just like you don’t now.”
“Well, can we at least do the book club thing in the future?!” Drim the king tried to get something good out of his forced situation.
“If you’re good,” the host began treating him like an uppity child. “And while I feel we have some good banter going on between us at the moment, the people aren’t here for comedy, they’re here for romance. So let’s get down to the rules, shall we?”
“I will ask our five participants a series of questions, and each of you will answer them one at a time in a random order. There won’t be too many, since we’re going to give you all the chance to be genuine and show your love with each question properly. But we wouldn’t want our audience to get bored before we get to the dramatic choice at the end!”
“The answers might be trickier than you think, however. While each contestant will try to sell themselves as the best potential partner, they’ll have to do so while being discreet. There is a slight time delay, so if they say anything too personal or revealing that might clue Drim into their identity, I’ll censor it. And while I did say they’ll get a chance to properly speak and confess their feelings, if I feel that it’s getting too rambly or running in circles, they will be ‘encouraged’ to wrap things up.”
“Are there any questions about the process? No? Alright then, let’s—”
“Actually, I do have one,” surprisingly it was Victori of all people who interrupted and then looked towards the cameras. “Are we live right now? Because if so, that would terribly interrupt the schedule we had for the day.”
“No, we are not,” Chorus depressedly reported. “While I think this is the best content we could produce for the holiday, it will likely need to be heavily edited. And though I’m sure some of our viewers would love the raw emotions about to be on display, we can’t have any of you shattering the image we’ve worked to build. That, and today’s schedule is set in stone, yes, and we’d be required to pay penalties for breaking broadcast contracts. Such as for one Lokka the Brave Quokka: Confession Day Special.”
“Oh yeah, we did have that,” Kada suddenly remembered, doing a poor job as the creator in remembering everything her universe was associated with.
“I have another question,” it was now Mallea who raised her hand. “Is it against the rules to spill secrets about the other candidates? Because as the one who cleans up after all of them, I’m certain that what I have to offer would make no one ever want to date them again for the rest of their lives.”
“Hrm,” the host was conflicted. “Every part of me wants to allow it, but it does go against one of the core tenets. For your answers, you are only allowed to speak about yourselves. Any mention of the other candidates will be automatically censored. Additionally, this is supposed to be a friendly competition, at least until it’s over.”
“After Drim has made his choice, the remaining losers are free to try and kill each other or cry on each other's shoulders, as long as I am there to film it. So no secret spilling for now, but do absolutely share them with me after the show. I’m bored of fielding questions now, though, so any more that you have we’ll deal with as they come up.”
“Question #1: ‘What do you bring to a relationship?’ We’ll go in order this time, so Contestant #1, please give us your answer.”
“Umm, fun, lots of fun,” Kada started. “We’ll wake up everyday with no clue what will happen, but we’ll get the most enjoyment out of it that we can. When times get serious, we’ll buckle down, but still find joy together and make every day a happy one.”
A haughty single laugh came from the other side of the line at the woman’s answer, but there was no follow up, so the host moved on. “Contestant #2.”
Jaid twiddled her fingers as she answered. “Well, I guess what I’d be is a partner in every possible aspect. I’d always be there at your side, to help you with anything just as I know you’d help me. Whatever life throws at us, we’d tackle it together.”
There was another huff from Mallea, though not as severe as when Kada answered. “Contestant #3.”
“I suppose mine would be a similar answer to #2,” Xard admitted. “But with one major distinction. Not only would we be there for each other, but we’d also help each other in achieving our goals. I believe we want similar futures, so together, we’d make sure we make our dreams come true.”
That answer received a snicker of roughly the same level that Jaid’s had been. “Contestant #4.”
“This one is hard for me, honestly. Because I myself don’t often know what I want in life, let alone what I can offer. But I’ve found the world to be an amazing place, far more than I ever realized. I want to see more of it, and I’d want to see it with you, wherever that would take us, all the way to the end.”
The level of laugh increased a bit from the butler, leading up to her own turn to answer. “Contestant #5.”
“Well, you can go ahead and censor this first part,” Mallea blatantly prepared to break the rules. “But while some of you had traces of the right thing to say, as a whole, I’d say you’re well off the mark. Here is the actual correct answer:”
“The only thing I can bring is myself. Because that’s all that I am and all that I have. I don’t think a relationship should be built on benefits, but rather just enjoying being with each other for who we are. It could be tough at times, but as long as we’re committed and have faith in one another, I believe we could become something beautiful that will last a lifetime.”
Drim’s eyebrows actually raised at that and his face tweaked slightly, clearly stunned by the answer. The contestants had a monitor where they could watch his reactions, but until then, there hadn’t been much except for general nodding each time. Everyone looked over to Mallea who had a bold smug smirk, clearly proud of herself.”
“I’d say that round has a clear winner,” Chorus then turned to the camera. “What do you think, everyone at home? But it’s not over yet. Let’s move on to the next question!”