“Bring back the milk!” Kada pumped her fist into the air.

“I mean, specifically, what are you going to do next,” the Farm Master asked for clearer clarification.

“Well, I know Drim’s normally the leader,” Kada started a spiel. “But I am hands down the most experienced with these kinds of games, so I’ll try to lead us in the right direction, if everyone’s fine with that.” The other three Greaters all grunted and shrugged in agreement.

“Okay, it looks like we have pretty good gear, but our inventories are looking a little light. Did we get any starting funds, oh great Farm Master?” She checked.

“Yes, you each start with 500 silver.”

“Cool, then let’s go to an item shop and get some supplies. Potions and whatnot.”

“You head away from the town square and to the first item shop you see. ‘What can I getcha?’ the clerk asks as you step inside.”

Kada quickly stopped everyone before they could say anything. “Don’t be fooled, it’s best to browse first. Otherwise they’ll only tell you about the super cool thing after you’ve spent your money.”

“Learned that from experience?” Drim huffed.

“Too many times,” she let out an exhausted sigh. “Alright shopguy, we know the basics of what you’ve got. Tell us about the good stuff!”

“‘Well we have an assortment of weapons,’ the shopkeep nods to a rack nearby.”

“No, we’re all geared up,” Kada brushed past that. “Show us the special items, y’know, the magical and rare ones.”

“‘I’m sorry, madam, but we are a general goods store, so we mostly deal in day to day items,’ the shopkeep apologizes. ‘But we do have a small selection, if any of them take your fancy.’ He points to the glass display below.”

“There’s only three items: An amulet of cowspeak. Its effects should be obvious.”

“Oh, I have one of those,” Xard interjected. “I guess it’s part of being a Dairy Enchanter.”

“And then there’s a neverending milk flask that would normally supply you with an infinite amount of milk to drink. But just a bit of meta knowledge, it would currently be teleported away as soon as it left the flask.”

“Hey, I have one of those too,” Xard looked closer at his character sheet. “Good to know that it’s worthless. I feel like my class is being personally targeted by this campaign.”

“And this shop, apparently,” Kada grumbled. “For a general goods store, it sure is useless to most of us!”

“Well, it is a dairy based world,” Drim argued. “It’d make sense for it to cater towards that regardless of the class.”

“I will say that in almost every other campaign, Dairy Enchanter is widely considered the most overpowered class,” Rezin shared that tidbit. “So these items would be good purchases any other time. A lot of Farm Masters will outright ban the class except for this and a few other specific campaigns. Oh, and the last item is a mystery box.”

Kada’s eyes lit up immediately, “Hey, what’s in the box?! I’m asking the shopkeeper if that isn’t clear.”

“‘I dunno, it’s a mystery box,’ the man admits. ‘If I opened it up, I wouldn’t be able to sell it. From what I know, it can do many things like cast god-tier magic or contain a legendary item. There could even be a box inside! If you’re interested, it’s 2,000 silver.’”

“Oooo, if we pool our money, we could just buy it!” Kada looked around eagerly at her companions.”

“Weren’t you the one who said we needed to stock up on items, and now you want to blow all our money on something that could be worthless?” Even though he wasn’t the leader this time, Drim still had to be the voice of reason.

“Eh, since we’re just doing this in a single sitting, let her have her fun,” Xard defended it. “If this was something we were going to play for a while, I’d agree with you on being frugal. And more importantly, if we don’t do it, she’ll never shut up about how every single problem we run into could have been solved by the mystery box.”

“Alright, you sold me,” Drim immediately relented. “You can have my money, Kada.”

“Well, I should at least try to keep her from bankrupting us,” Phon reluctantly tried to help. “We can haggle, right? So, I guess that’s what my class would be best at. Hey, shopkeep, how about you give us a five finger discount” Meaning knock the price before I break five of your fingers!”

“Ooo, good intimidation, go ahead and roll,” Rezin encouraged her. “Oh wow, a 3. But your modifiers bring that up to a 26, not bad. This shopkeep has been around for a while, though, so they have Extortion Resistance—rolling—they rolled well, plus their modifier. That brings your intimidation down to a 4.”

“‘Got quite the mouth on you young sir’. Oh, your character’s a guy by the way. ‘But I can bring it down a bit. Hows about 1,999 silver?’ Do you agree to his offer?”

“Well that’s just a Cosdamned insult!” Phon couldn’t let it slide. “He’s playing us like chumps. I punch him in the face.”

“Uhh, wow, okay.” Facing the curse of the Farm Master, Rezin could only Yes/And. “Roll for an unarmed attack.”

“18, that’s not too bad, right?” she was impressed with herself. “Maybe he’ll even get two black eyes.”

“Uhh, normally it’d be fine,” Rezin started doing some math. “But like I said, your class is really bad for combat. With your stats, that brings it down to a -3. Okay, you throw a punch at the shopkeep but miss entirely, and instead slam your fist into the receipt tack on the counter. Taking…” He paused to roll. “Oh wow, 25 damage.”

“Isn’t that all your health?” Xard quickly pointed out.

“Haha, no way, did Phon just kill herself by missing a punch?!” Kada couldn’t believe it.

“Wait, hold on, I didn’t do the modifiers yet,” the Farm Master cut in. “You’re actually saved by your weak strength this time. It brings it down to 4 damage.”

“I hate this game,” Phon leaned back in annoyance on her stool. “You should have just let me die so I could stop playing.”

“I’m sure you’ll do better in the future,” Drim tried to reassure her. “This was just a bad choice of target and a slew of bad luck.”

“Yup, no one else should have nearly that high intimidation resistance,” Rezin reaffirmed. “Even the final boss of the campaign is lower, so could feasibly make him surrender immediately if you roll right.”

“Fine, let’s move on then,” Phon reluctantly agreed to continue. “But I’ll be intimidating everything until something cowers in fear. You better hope that it’s one of these imaginary characters.” She sent Rezin a look that made him shudder.

“Well, I guess we need to figure out where that Brutacious guy is and go from there,” Kada was back to being a competent leader again for a moment. “Maybe we should return to the inn and—”

Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

“‘Eh, Bruatacious?’ the shopkeeper cuts you off. ‘You folks must not be from around here then. Everyone knows where Brutacious is.’”

“Oh, but you’re not going to tell us?” Phon was already annoyed. “I guess I’ll just have to try intimidation, then.”

“‘Huh? Why so eager to start a fight, I’ll tell yuh,’ the merchant insists. ‘He runs that big factory right outside the city called The Creamery, can’t miss it. There’s even billboards everywhere that’ll lead you right to it. Hell, there’s one right above my shop. On days when he’s not being nefarious, he holds tours. But today’s a nefarious day, so you’ll only be met with aggression if you go there. Try again next week if you want a tour.’”

“Alright, I guess we should head out of the city then,” Drim suggested.

“Hey, I’m the leader here,” Kada took offense. “And I say… let’s head out of the city towards The Creamery!”

“Your party follows the billboards out of the east gate of the city. You’re met with a lovely vista of rolling hills with fresh grass beneath your feet. The smell of nature fills your nostrils and spurs your sense of adventure!” In the Utility Room, the images around them change to perfectly match Rezin’s description.

“You walk to a crossroads. There are three paths you can take, each leading in a different cardinal direction except the way you came. To the north, you see the pastures with several cow farms. You think you can see some distraught farmers that could use your aid.”

“To the south, you see the milk chocolate forest. On your way out of the city, you heard rumors of some dairy fairies who could possibly aid you in your quest. And to the east, you see even more signs to The Creamery which really isn’t that far, just a short walk away.”

“But before you can make a decision on which path to take, you’re suddenly ambushed by some monsters! Uhh, I should say this normally isn’t part of the campaign, but since none of you have played, we thought you should do an introductory combat tutorial to get used to the systems.”

“So the first thing you need to do is Roll For Sequence!”

“Alright, order is Xard, Drim, Phon, Kada. And now I’ll add in the enemies. Oh, you’re fighting two Bull Bruisers and two Cowkateers.” Rezin placed their figures on the opposite half of the graph paper as the players. “Okay, Xard, you’re first, what are you doing?”

“First a question,” Xard was reading over the monster sheet for the Cowkateer. “It says these fire off a milk ranged attack from their udders. Would that be teleported away like everything else?”

“Uhm, no,” Rezin thought for a moment on how to explain. “They’re considered monster-class enemies, and this game came out right around the same time the first mutated monsters started appearing, so they take a lot of inspiration and share a lot of properties. In this case the milk is poisonous and damaging to humans, so whoever’s taking it wouldn’t want it.”

“Okay, then I cast Milky Ward,” Xard said with a firm confidence.

“Uhh, do you mean Milky Shield or Dairy Ward?” the Farm Master pointed out the issue. “Milky Shield shrouds the party with milk to reduce the damage of incoming attacks. This wouldn’t work currently since you don’t have any milk. Meanwhile, Dairy Ward provides a buff against dairy-based attacks—a chance for them to not hit entirely, with a further chance to reflect the damage back to the attacker.”

“Yeah, the second one,” Xard answered with a clear bit of embarrassment.

“A milky shine gleams over your party,” Rezin informs them. “A good move too, since it’s now a Cowkateer’s turn and they’re going to attack Phon since she’s closest. Rolling… They fire four shots from their udder right at you. It’s a hit… and yup, it’s blocked… and reflected… doing… That’s a crit. 24 Damage. And it’s dead.”

“Great. I do more damage just by being a meat shield than actually attacking,” Phon sighed.

“Okay, now it’s the other Cowkateer’s turn. They target Kada and fire. It’s a hit and ignores the ward, but it only does 2 damage because of Kada’s high defense. Now it’s Drim’s turn. And for reference it will be Drim, the left Bull Bruiser, then Phon, then Kada, then the right Bull Bruiser; if that affects your decisions.”

“Alright, guess I should get them before they move then,” Drim pondered for a moment. “They’re too far away for me to get to, right? Okay, I use the special move action Void Tear to put me right between the two of them and then the attack Dual Destruction—Attack two targets (or one target twice) in melee range and impart Void Rip status. It seems pretty much all my attacks do that.”

“Okay roll two attacks for me. A 19 and a 28, nice. Both hit, now damage. Okay, the right Bull Bruiser loses about half its health. Also, one of its arms is ripped into the void, so it will be at a disadvantage for all attack roles. The left loses half of its entire body to the void and falls over prone, near death.”

“Since it’s prone, it will spend its turn trying to stand back up. And nope, it fails. Plus, it’s losing blood rapidly, so it takes 5 bleeding damage. Really, if you don’t do anything, it will die soon. Good move, and now it’s Phon’s turn.”

“I can skip performing an attack to move twice, right?” Phon double checked the rules. “Okay, I’ll do that to get to the other cow and use my bonus move to intimidate it.”

“How are you going to intimidate it?” Rezin tried to get her to be more descriptive and imaginative.

“Uhh, cow, so they have horns right,” Phon mused for a moment. “I grab both of their horns and start to pull while staring dead into their eyes. And I roll… a 29. Hell yeah, that’s gotta work.”

“Oh yup, they’ve definitely been intimidated,” Rezin double checked the numbers anyways. “In fact, you were so scary that they were terrified beyond their wits end and die on the spot.”

“Damn,” Phon clicked her tongue. “I wanted a monster minion to attack for me, but I guess that’s decently satisfying too.”

“Well, I’ll take advantage of it!” Kada eagerly started her turn, not needing to be prompted like the others. “I run over to the dead Cowkateer and perform Corpse Crash—Throw any corpse on the battlefield at the enemy for area damage. If the attack is strong enough, the corpse will explode for additional damage and transfer any properties the corpse has for additional effects.”

“Okay, a 22, plus your modifiers, a 48, that definitely hits and explodes,” Rezin did some more math. “The left Bull Bruiser died instantly from the impact. The right one dies from the explosion, so that’s all enemies defeated, congratulations!”

“But… since Drim was also in the radius, he takes… 39 damage.”

“Holy zjik, Kada! I’m down to one health!” Drim shot a look of pain and betrayal at his so-called friend.

“Sorry, I didn’t know we were playing with party damage on!” she pleaded for forgiveness.

“Oh, and since the Cowkateer was a poison-type monster, Drim is now poisoned as well,” Rezin informed them of his cruel fate. “We’re still in combat until it’s dealt with one way or another, so we have until the end of Drim’s next turn to deal with it. Do you have any anti-poison potions.”

“Nope… since we spent all of our money on the mystery box instead of potions,” Drim gifted Kada another condescending glare.

“Oh, maybe the mystery box could save you!” Kada suggested as a last plight.

Rezin glanced over the situation and stated, “Unfortunately, I don’t think that’ll be possible. Only Drim and Xard act by then, and neither of them could reach you since Drim’s movement skill is on cooldown. Plus, there wouldn’t be enough actions between them to both trade and use the box.”

“But… there is a way he can be saved. Normally, I wouldn’t tell the party since I’m supposed to be your enemy, but it probably wouldn’t be best for this play session if one of your characters died in the tutorial fight. So I can tell you all if you want.”

“No, wait, I think I’ve figured it out,” Xard interjected, clearly already praising himself with a hint of pride. “I cast Unsoured Milk on Drim. This turns any liquids with negative effects into milk. And with my passive as a Dairy Enchanter, any milk I’ve interacted with that is then ingested gains healing properties. Would it count as healing since it’s already in his body?”

“Bravo, you figured it out!” The Farm Master started applauding. “Yes, and since it’s inside his body already, it won’t be teleported. The poison has turned into healing, go ahead and roll for healing… Okay, that’s plus 12 health, and we’re now officially out of combat. While you’re out of danger, I’d suggest taking another health potion before moving forward.”

“Sure, I drink it,” Drim crossed it off his inventory. “But that’s the only one I had, so please be more careful in the future.”

“Yes, I swear to make up for my grave error,” Kada put her hand to her chest as if she was making an oath. “And for the rest of this campaign, I will be your shield and keep you from harm! I also get a buff defending other players called Leave It To The Next Generation.”

“Alright, now that it’s over, where will you go next?” Rezin asked them. “East will take you to The Creamery, the clear endpoint for this campaign. North and South will take you on side adventures to get you bonuses that will help in the future, or you could try your luck without them. Or you can go back west to the town if you want to rest or get more supplies.”

“Well, we’re already pretty well leveled,” Kada thought about their situation. “I’d say we should go check out The Creamery and see where we stand. While I’m having fun playing, it’ll be tomorrow morning before we finish if we do all the side quests. So I’d say gamble it for now since we can just escape. Xard, you have a spell that’d get us out of there right? If we’re locked in.”

“Yeah, I have a Return to Pasture scroll,” Xard confirmed. “It teleports the party back to the last place we rested, so back to town I guess.”

“Then onwards into danger,” Kada pointed her finger at nothing in particular in real life. “I rush ahead towards The Creamery before anyone else can change their minds!”