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1% Life's Real (a 1% Lifesteal parody)
What Could Possibly Go Wrong? (Featuring a Special Guest)

What Could Possibly Go Wrong? (Featuring a Special Guest)

image [https://www.royalroadcdn.com/public/avatars/avatar-200905.png] "Professor Actus!"

A very angry Academy staff shouted as he rushed to the booth. "What did we talk about reckless student endangerment? The parents are furious five of our students died during the spring break! The Academy dean demands we tone down the risk-taking!"

"They were none of my own students!" Actus protested. "I have a zero-percent mortality rate in my classes over ten years straight!"

"That's not the point! The parents want to feel safe! You can't keep throwing your students at flaming monkeys and hope for the best!"

The masked professor, Actus if Robert heard it correctly, tilted his head. "Say that again?"

The tension became thick. People started to pay attention to the exchange. Even with all the chatter and pleading of the other students, the Academy staff was shouting over it all.

"What did we talk about reckless endangerment of students?!?"

Actus shook his head. His body was relaxed, a polar opposite to the Academy staff member. "That it's good for their growth? I don't quite remember, I wasn't paying attention, to be honest."

"That you CAN'T!" He shouted, drawing attention to their booth. "The parents are pissed we lost five students to a deviant during the break! They demand we keep the students safe!"

Both Robert and Amanda winced. That hit too close to home.

"We lost five in an unsupervised delve," Actus stood up, finally showing some emotion. His shoulders were raised and his head a bit forward. Signs of aggression. "That your department insisted was a good assignment for the break. Now I remember, I said that idea was crap but you went forward with it because the passage was deemed," Actus made air quotes, "Safe! I will let you know that the latest time a student died in my class was ten years ago, and the council investigation proved she had acted on her own, against my orders, and that nothing I could have done would change her fate!"

Two out of the three other students around Actus' booth left during that declaration. The one who asked about his hypothetical doubts was seriously considering doing the same as he looked around in search of a clue.

Amanda tugged on Robert's sleeve but he was too interested to address her. All that he could think about was that if the latest death was ten years ago, it must mean he had other students dying before that. Otherwise, it wouldn't be the latest. What was this guy's death count? Regardless, ten years without any death seemed a long while. Wait. What about crippling injuries? Nah. This was the Imperial Academy. Robert was sure so long as the student was still alive, they could fix any injuries. He then moved to the broader picture. What was the mortality rate of this school? How did it compare to other Academies?

"That's not the problem! We can't endanger the students! Orders from the Dean!"

"Whoever determined that is a fool and an imbecile. If it was really the Dean, then I'll tell him next time we meet. If the Empress wants mediocre graduates, then she can haul Her Royal Ass here and fire me personally. Otherwise, you can do me a favor and make yourself scarce. I will teach my classes however I want. Nobody is obliged to attend. I am not forcing anyone to!"

The masked head swiveled and it was like he was staring at the gathered students with the giant eye painted in the middle.

"You can't just throw students at flaming monkeys like you did with your previous class!"

The Academy staff repeated his rehearsed statements. At this point, it was obvious something was up. It was like this guy was a cop trying to entrap someone. What was their angle? Why were they opposing Actus this much? Robert recalled that this particular staff member was hovering nearby as if waiting for the right time. When Actus replied to the student's question, the staff man pounced on the opportunity.

"Of course, I can't. They're extinct now."

"Yes, and they are still mad at you for killing their matriarch!"

"The Hellbeaver deserved to die!" Actus bellowed. "After all the torture it inflicted on my poor soul!"

Wait, were they monkeys or beavers? Or something in between?

"And your student's souls. They had to do years of therapy!"

"They are all healed now," Actus stated matter-of-factly.

The doubtful third guy finally ran away. Amanda kept trying to rip Robert's sleeve off. But Robert was studying every move, every back-and-forth of the exchange. The staff man noticed the two still hovering around and scowled at Robert and Amanda.

"I suggest you two go seek another teacher. I can't advise against choosing Professor Noah Actus enough."

"Why is that?" Robert asked the staff representative. Now that they addressed him, it was time to gather more information.

"They are jealous," Actus quipped, cutting the staff representative. "Because my former class humiliated some of their star pupils in the tournament. Their coddled and muffled ways of teaching made their pupils soft. Combat Archhumans are forged in the crucible of adversity and not on the soft upholstery of a posh classroom."

It was something Robert could agree with. He knew it was something Amanda needed to ascend her talent the way she wanted.

The academy staff grunted and groaned. He then turned on Amanda. "Miss Samson, I am sure your great-grandmother would disapprove of it."

Yeah. This guy had an agenda. Robert moved forward and to the side, as he placed an arm in front of Amanda and stared at the man. "On behalf of Samson Corporation, we thank you for your concern. But are we to consider your advice as the Academy's official opinion?"

Robert would be damned if he let this guy, who clearly had ulterior motives to dissuade them from signing with Actus, have his way and influence Amanda's decision.

"No." He replied between clenched teeth.

"What was that?" Actus said in open mockery, comically cupping a hand over his ear. "I can't hear you! This mask hinders my hearing greatly!"

At this point, most other teachers had filled their class rosters and left. Dozens of students were still on the stage, loitering around as they watched the scene. Robert noticed they were apprehensive as if they hadn't yet signed up for a class. Yet none dared approach and sign for Actus' class.

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The Academy staff guy just crossed his arms. Robert suspected he was stalling for time.

Of course!

He could see the next set of teachers waiting to take the stage. The students too were waiting for them to try their luck with the other batch instead of signing with Actus.

Robert looked at Actus' class signup form. It was empty with no names on it. He suspected that it would be bad for Actus if his class was empty. The motives became clear and it explained the means. The Academy staff wanted to scare all students away from Actus. What did an empty class mean for a teacher? Were they fired? Did they lose a research grant? Funding?

Robert decided it was time to act. He exchanged a glance with Amanda. She nodded. He felt she would follow his lead on this.

"You offer on-the-field training, right?" Robert asked the masked professor.

"Whenever possible. But all my lectures are practical. I promise not a single boring day with me."

"We will sign up if you let us both stay together and ask me one question."

"Yes, and shoot."

"What's the deal with the mask?"

"It's cursed. When I put it on for the first time, the curse revealed itself and the mask became runebound to me. I can't take it off but it does not hinder my sight, or hearing, or stop me from feeding myself. It's the opposite, despite the curse, it has great powers.

So this professor had a runebound cursed mask. Runebound Professor? That had a pleasant ring to it.

Robert grinned as he extended a handshake to Actus. The professor accepted. "You son of a bitch, we're in."

They both signed the roster. The fuming Academy staff member ran off to vent his frustrations on the awaiting students. The other professors looked impatient. Before any of the other students could change their minds or dodge the rampaging Academy staff, Actus had packed his things and vanished. All of the students were asked to leave the stage by other Academy staff, Robert and Amanda included.

*

*

A giant sign was hung above the stage saying: "Orientation postponed to tomorrow. Remember to check if you are still signed up for a class."

Without any lingering errands there, Robert and Amanda climbed the steps to leave the auditorium. The mass of students had shrunk to manageable levels but the desperation back on the stage was reaching critical levels. It was all behind them now.

"You are insane!" Amanda complained through their telepathic link. "Actus is crazy! His students need years of therapy after graduation. Think of all the emotional damage they suffered!!"

"Are you that weak? The Samson heiress is scared of fighting more monsters? Who was desperate to evolve her talent into a combat one?"

Amanda pouted. Seeing she wouldn't reply, Robert continued.

"Actus wasn't expelled when his student died ten years ago, was he? I bet this august Academy has the highest standards for their docents, right? May I assume Actus meets these standards?"

"Barely."

"The two of us have him as our exclusive teacher. His whole class for this semester is right here. This means no divided attention. All the resources for his class are ours. Gathering array time, passage delving slots, supplements, and so on. And since–"

"Stop right there," she interrupted. "If you're going to say anything about a split that's not fifty-fifty, then perish the thought right now."

"Right," he huffed. It was exactly what he was about to say.

"You are my bodyguard, not my servant! Unless something threatens my life, we are equals here."

"You are my senior."

She giggled, "I won't hold it against you, kouhai. It's Japanese—"

It was his turn to laugh, "— for junior. I know."

They reached the wide-open doors and moved into the foyer. It was almost empty now. Some students were cheering, others were lamenting.

"So… how was your week without me?"

"It was heaven. Nobody tried to give me six or seven-figure gifts."

She elbowed him and winced. "What did you do? You weren't this hard!"

Robert pursed his lips. Sensed he would lose, he entered the liminal void. Then he broke into raucous laughter. When he returned, days later, he was met with an inquisitive gaze.

"The telepathic link breaks when you go 'there'," Amanda said out loud. "Why did you do that?"

"No comments," Robert evaded. Not in a million years he'd explain the joke she said.

"You were asking about my week, right? I used the tempering materials we bought, trained with Tyrone, did my company-mandated courses, trained the sword and spear, gathered at the park with Freddy… It was a very productive week. Without being kidnapped into explosive passages, deviant attacks, or even executive performance reviews."

"Are you trying to say it was all my fault?"

"Absolutely not. My belief is that it was some weird synergy that only happens when we are together."

Amanda's eyes widened as she felt lightweight and under a little dizzy spell. But then she reflected on what he said and changed her mind. She ended with a faint scowl and a raised eyebrow.

They left the building and took on a stone path that led to the dorms. Robert cast telepathy again.

"Are you implying we shouldn't be together?"

"No."

"Don't evade!"

"I'm not."

It only made her angrier.

"Because your week without me was a paradise, right?"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" He tried but failed at not being sarcastic. "How many calamities did you suffer without me?"

"None?"

"And what happened the day I arrived?"

"Shut up. Or was it you who killed Janhalar Kraven? You had a motive, right? And it wouldn't be the first time Kraven personnel died around you."

"If you think a one-star can kill a four-star, you are sorely mistaken. And no, I never even saw the guy."

*

*

"Atchoo!"

"Doctor, I believe we should transfer Mr. Vane back to Earth. It is clear that he is allergic to something here on Faralethal."

"Maybe it's time we discharge him. The guy got a good severance package from us, let him rest."

*

*

They arrived at the male dorm. Robert stopped. "Wait here, I'll get Freddy and we can take him for a walk before lunch."

"Why?" She asked, suspicious he was up to no good. "Is there anything in your apartment I can't see? A wo—"

"It's the male dorm," Robert interrupted her delusions with a low grumble. "The. Male. Dorm."

"Ohohohoho!" Amanda laughed. Then she went around him and entered the lobby, waving at the students lounging there. "Hey guys!"

The other students, all male, returned the greeting and went back to their business. Amanda turned around a victorious smirk on her lips and fists on her waist. "What are you waiting for?"

Robert entered and walked the short distance to his door. He re-engaged the telepathic link as they crossed the lobby.

"What's that about? I thought females should stay away from the dorm."

She snorted, "Some things aren't in the handbooks. The dorms have a ward that marks you if you are of the wrong gender for the dorm and have sex inside. That's the main reason for the gender segregation, right?"

"I mean, yes, but…"

They reached his apartment.

"Will you unlock the door?"

"Yes?"

"One or two freshmen each semester find out about the ward the wrong way. You know who they are because of the pink ribbon bow illusion floating over their head for a week."

"What if they just don't show up for a week?" Robert said as he unlocked the door.

"The ward also alerts the Academy staff. They will know who did the dirty deed. Dirrrty deeeed." She laughed but a dash of red climbed up her cheeks even under the heavy makeup.

They opened the door. A camouflaged blur dashed for the kitchen. Robert saw something on the floor and gasped. He dragged Amanda inside and slammed the door.

"Wait, that was not an invitation to test the ward!" She stuttered, flustered and blushing. "Robert, wait. We should at least have a fancy dinner date before we–"

"Amanda!" He shouted, trusting the sound insulation was as good as they preached. "Stop. Whatever you are thinking of, just stop. Condition orange."

She immediately snapped to attention at the pre-agreed code word.

"Look down, by my feet."

She obeyed. Amanda let out a shriek of surprise. "Is this?"

Robert picked it up. "It is. A Prime Vestige." He spun it around to show her its face. "One guess as to who manifested it."

The deformed dog face stretched over the aquamarine ball was a dead giveaway.

"Oh! I got it. Freddy manifested a Prime Vestige!" She said, excited.

"You don't seem so surprised," Robert stated, his anger over the situation growing with each passing moment. He knew what it meant. Primes only manifested in the presence of one type of creature, no matter which world they came from.

"Oh, no. I am," she replied rather absentminded, eyes focused on the Prime Vestige.

"You knew Taulusian hounds could manifest Primes." He accused. Robert was not amused.

"Yes, that's the reason they are so expensive but that is so rare it's not even worth mentioning. C'mon, let's see what its talent is? Do you want me to send it to appraisal?" She cleared her throat and recited.

"Tell me, vestige, what is your–"

Robert shifted dimensions before she could finish.