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1% Life's Real (a 1% Lifesteal parody)
B4 - Episode V: The Zoomer Strikes Back

B4 - Episode V: The Zoomer Strikes Back

It is a dark time for Amanda Samson.

Although Damien's Body has been destroyed,

He has driven the Nature Arch to the brink of insanity.

Intent on Eradicating the dreaded Unholy monster,

a group of scholars led by Robert Blaze has established

a new secret base on the remote Realm of the Puffbloom Islands.

The evil MCP CEO Emmerson Murphy,

obsessed with finding Robert Blaze,

has dispatched thousands of spies into the far reaches of interspace...

* *

Amanda couldn't enjoy the little things in life. She was currently planting magical flowers around Robert's floating island. She couldn't find pleasure in almost anything. The parasite squatting inside her soul was a bother to deal with. That and the prospect of being unable to ascend killed all the elan she might extract from the good things life had to offer.

Even her relationship with Robert. She found his touch, their intimacy good but the fire, the excitement… wasn't there. And she hated it the most. Because this situation wasn't just hurting her, it was hurting him and their relationship. She now avoided that, hoping it was the least horrible choice. In Granny's words, "Don't ever be a dead fish in bed."

She was planting Etherbloom Lilies around the edges of the island. These one-star plants generated a good amount of essence when fully grown and produced essence-rich nectar to attract pollinator monsters. In this case, Puffblooms.

The white furballs came to check them out the moment the first flowers blossomed, minutes after planting. They were twice the size of normal lilies. They bounced over the pistils to drink the nectar.

She found it odd. Puffblooms could live on a diet of nothing but pure Ether.

Paying it little mind, she kept planting the magical flowers. When her seed reserve ran low, Amanda backtracked to the first ones and used Nature essence. That coaxed the flowers to go through the stages of growth until she had mature pods in minutes.

She checked the seeds to see if any of them had evolved and what that evolution did, if any. Satisfied with what she found, she stored the seeds in her ring.

Amanda was about to resume planting more lilies when an explosion rocked the island. In the center of the island where the workshop and the donut hole to drop balls were, a big plume of smoke rose.

"I'm okay," came a Silent Message from Robert. "It was just an accident when making a two-star satellite Core."

Amanda stopped and turned around, hurrying back to the abandoned city.

When Robert showed her how he cheated to get a hundred-percent success rate on making one-star Cores, Amanda could only express shock. He was manipulating Time and probability, messing with causality itself to spin these Cores out of whole cloth, literally.

Robert could crash the market if he felt so inclined. And earn the ire of half of all humanity. The half that mattered. Amanda thought she had to talk to him and have him set upper limits for his Core production.

Amanda activated Superconductive Nerves, reducing the response delay of her reflexes, increasing muscle readiness, and speeding up her thoughts. Using hydraulic flex, she leaped dozens of feet high and a couple hundred feet forward, quickly crossing the island.

The only drawback of Superconductive Nerves was the risk of frying said nerves from overuse. But the Lightning tempering she got from the octopus amulet plus the Tesla Field tempering she was training up. It turned her whole body into a lightning generator, creating an aura around her body that neutralized most Lightning effects, as well as deflecting Light and Metal-based attacks, including conductive weapons, like steel and other metals.

It also allowed her to use Electrolocation to sense around her. It wasn't full 360° vision but very close to it.

She entered the workshop, eyes searching for her lover.

*

*

Robert failed spectacularly at making a two-star Core. It was his five hundredth failed attempt but the first one that exploded. Thankfully, the workshop was built by Angelo to resist worse explosions. Yes, the Italian enchanter was one of the people who used to come here to drop huge metallic sphered to compress and sear magical things into enchanted items. He asked Pappardelle why.

The imprint in his Mind Palace laughed. Being a Fire Arch, Pappardelle's solution to most problems was to roast them. The old saying about having a hammer and turning the world to nails.

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"Robert!" Amanda called, worry in her voice.

He felt bad. Though he was sure he wouldn't die, there was always a risk. And if he died, she'd be left stranded on the island, with no way out.

Teleportation between realms was considered impossible outside some very specific talents. The amount of essence required was theoretically more than a thousand points, even after considering cost-reducing evolutions.

"Here!" He waved a hand. "I'm okay!"

"Don't mess around and scare me like that!" She said with a concerned face. "You are not ready to start making these Cores! There's a reason why the cheapest among them sell for more than sixty million dollars!"

Humbled, Robert nodded. The two-star Core used two shards to make the star hemispheres. They needed to be perfectly symmetrical. And to make things harder, they had to be assembled in one go. The jump in difficulty to make a two-star Core from the basic one was a factor of three. The value, however, jumped six times.

He tried to cheat like he did with the one-star Cores but the essence costs were prohibitive. Drop dead prohibitive. He estimated that his tolerance for Time essence was around nine hundred points.

"Promise me you will only attempt the two-star Core after you made… a hundred one-star ones in a row without cheating."

That was impossible. "Let me change that. Without spending more than fifty points of essence on average."

"You lost the notion of saving essence," she chided. "Fine. If that's what will keep you from blowing yourself up, I'll accept that compromise. Shush. Don't remind me that you survived having your head popped like a grape."

He wouldn't tell her she did it herself.

"Okay. I already failed more attempts than what they paid me to try. Wanna do something?"

He grasped her delicate fingers and kissed them.

"Can we visit the flower realm again?"

"Sure."

*

*

They were lying on the floating bed cube, without the canopy, watching the stars. Underneath them, the flowers swayed under a gentle wind.

"Robert," she broke the silence. "I have a favor to ask."

"Shoot," he said.

"Can you rejuvenate Granny?"

"Did you–"

"No," she replies before he could finish.

"–tell her? Oh. I don't think I can. Regarding mental defenses, Titania and I are evenly matched but she can throw the weight of her four stars against me."

"Can we ask her?"

"We can surely try."

*

*

And that's how they found themselves in Titania's waiting room. The warded one, where people she didn't want dead waited.

They didn't wait for too long. Gerard came to usher them a few minutes after they announced themselves.

Tossing protocol to the wind, Titania approached to hug and check on Amanda.

"Are you feeling better, girl?" She asked with a grandmotheringly concerned voice. Amanda shook her head as tears formed.

"It's the same, Granny, he wakes up, starts swearing and making a scene, and I have to put him to sleep again."

"Is he growing stronger?"

"No. Absolutely not," Amanda affirmed with conviction.

"At least that. I have dozens of eggheads trying to find a solution and others searching for a talent that can help, but nothing popped up yet." Titania sighed, feeling tired. "What can I do for you?"

"It comes with some drawbacks, but we found a source of Supreme healing."

That immediately perked the old woman's interest. "Out with it, girl. What are these drawbacks?"

Amanda explained. Titania's gaze fell on Robert.

"You bloody bastard, was it you who played the impossible spell prank?"

'She knew?' Robert tried to disguise his surprise. "Guilty as charged."

"I paid a small fortune to have one of my Life specialists peek at that scroll. Now, it all makes sense. Dammit. Can you really cast it? No, don't answer. Of course, you can," Titania huffed. "What's your price."

"Amanda is footing the bill," Robert replied.

The grandma glanced at her great-granddaughter and smirked. "What kinky stuff he had you do, girl?"

"GRANNY!" An alarmed Amanda stared at Gerome, who was using his self-petrification talent.

"Bah. You are no fun." Titania waved a hand and turned to face Robert. "So, you need my absolute consent, right?"

"Yes. That's where the problem lies. I doubt you will–"

"Titania cackled. "Boy, I can hide my mind and memories so well even I wouldn't find them later. I'll do it. I'll even give you the same thing Amanda gave you."

"GRANNY!" Amanda shrieked and rushed to cling to Robert's arm.

"Your loss," the woman shrugged.

It took him three days but Robert healed Titania back to her twenties. He was disturbed by the transformation. She looked the spitting image of Amanda.

The mentalist had really hidden her mind from him. He used Mind Blackout on Titania and only found the most basic human mind he'd ever seen. It had only basic sustenance, and the picture of a huge red button along with a warning, "press in case of sexual contact." He assumed it would bring her true mind back.

When he returned with Titania at the end of the third-day session, she walked to Gerome and grabbed his hand. Before a shocked Amanda and a disbelieving Robert, she pressed Gerome's hand to her boob.

Titania shook her head and swayed. Then she threw Gerome's hand away (still attached to the wrist) and shouted. "Oh, yeah bay-beh!" She danced a little, swaying her hips. "I'm back - in - the - game."

Titania went to her desk and opened a compartment in the middle. It was a long-range communication crystal. She activated it.

"Titania?" A woman's voice came from the crystal. "Is something wrong?"

"Wrong? Fuck, no! Narcisse, my bestie! Let's hit that fancy nightclub in New York and get dick until we split in two!"

Amanda wheezed. She knew who Titania was talking to.

"I assume you found some Supreme healing treasure," Narcisse Morleppe said.

"Nuh-uh! Not me. My kid did. And now I think I want to give her a new uncle!"

"I missed you, bestie," Narcisse confessed. "But I am rather busy now."

"Fucking hell, Narcisse! Stop obsessing with and stalking that loser boy toy Janhalar stole from you! If you want a hot interview, how about I let you borrow my great-grandson-in-law? You know, the champion of the Imperial Academy's tournament. He's right here."

Amanda made a sound resembling a dying giraffe. Robert grabbed Amanda's cold clammy hand and used his main talent. He traveled the void to a place far, far away.

"I'll… make an appointment. Mr. Blaze, is that okay with you?"

"Nah, forget it. They ran away. Kids these days. So damn fucking prude. I still remember the time when you, me, and Gwen caused the traffic to stop just by walking down the street."

"Yes," Narcisse said with cautious wistfulness. "I remember these days."

"Why did Gwen have to off herself like that?" Titania sighed. "That damned cult. Why the hell did they have to turn their animation studio into an inky demon summoning circle? Just to make a bunch of cartoons come to life? Fuck, that was dumb."

"I can't stand you brooding like that. Fine, fine. Let's hit the nightclub. One more time, for the sake of the old times."

“Woo! Now you’re talking, bitch! Let’s go and show these stuck-ups youths how Gen-Z rolls!”