Novels2Search
1% Life's Real (a 1% Lifesteal parody)
What are you guys going to do in the nylon blanket pupa wrap-along thing?

What are you guys going to do in the nylon blanket pupa wrap-along thing?

"Keep going! Don't give up!" Professor Actus shouted. "DO YOUR BEST!"

The motivational speech continued through the hordes of monkeys. Robert remembered the Academy staff telling Actus he couldn't toss his students at flaming monkeys.

"At least they aren't on fire!" Robert said between ragged breaths. He had to shout because the whole forest was drowning in monkey grunts and hollers.

"HA! Do you remember that shit? Good times, those," Noah chortled as he sliced three monkeys with his rapier.

"Plant gro-AHHHH!" Amanda screeched as her amulet decided to zap her mid-cast.

The fight lasted for an hour already. Or at least that's how Robert felt. His muscles burned. If not for lavi flows and the Qigong martial arts topping his stamina, he would've given up already. The worst part was juggling his essence drain spells and topping up the shield voidlings spells whenever one of them disappeared. Monkey gore piled up and slid off the portal platform but the blood pooled on the floor, making everything slick.

On Amanda's side, she took to expand her crown-of-thorn wall to a ridiculous size. It was more than twenty feet tall and thirty feet thick, covering half of the platform. Some monkeys were still alive inside the thorn bushes, screeching as their life slowly seeped out from hundreds of puncture wounds.

Robert spared a glance at their teacher. Noah fluttered his rapier, slashing and bashing monkeys away with the grace of a figure skater. He kicked the dead bodies away and off the platform, as tireless as his fighting style was elegant.

The teacher looked back, staring at Robert with his mask's painted eye. "Pay attention to your own fight, Robert."

"I am," Robert did a backswing with his spear and slashed open the guts of a monkey that survived the writhing tentacles of his shield voidlings.

Throughout the intensive fight, he could feel the ether slowly tricking out of his star, making it grow. He didn't need to check to see that he was growing and advancing faster than most believed possible. But most wouldn't throw themselves at such a horde. It was borderline suicidal. He got some wounds and bruises from the monkeys but so far his healing abilities kept him in top shape.

The fight went on. It was brutal on his body and mind, especially the ears. But that was the kind of situation that made an Arch grow. Safe and steady was how people stagnated.

Robert was startled when he heard the tree creak. The massive, gigantic, skyscraper-sized tree. It was loud enough to be heard over the rumbling hooting of the monkey horde.

"The platform won't hold much more weight!" Noah shouted. "We will withdraw to the liminal void. Freddy, let Robert pick you up! Amanda, you go after Freddy. I'll cover your side!"

"I'm dropping a third voidling!" Robert shouted back. The essence would be better used on drain essence but if they were bailing out, a third shield voidling would cover for the monkeys that were still passing through the two he kept renewing.

Freddy appeared. Robert sent his spear to the ring storage as he swept an arm under his chest and lifted the big hound. Soon, Amanda grabbed his other wrist. Last, Noah went wild, slashing the monkeys left and right.

"The briar will collapse soon!" Amanda whimpered. "I'm out of essence."

"Same here," Robert replied, shifting his hand so they were holding each other's. "Noah, hurry up!"

One of his shield voidlings popped out of existence, his essence reserves spent. That opened a gap on the defenses because Robert dropped the newest voidling between the other two.

"Breach!" Robert reported with a shout.

"Damn! Blast them, Rob!" Noah shouted back.

Robert used the last of his essence and conjured a Zoltraak void lance. He fired the thick beam of pure black energy and carved a canyon in the Monkey River.

"Hey, watch out! I'm delicate!" A shrill feminine voice came from underneath Robert.

"Prime!" Freddy Barked.

"By all that's holy!" Noah shouted. "Secure it! I'm coming!"

Robert glanced down. A baby pink ball was right at his feet. He moved to pin it between his shoes like a father emperor penguin would do to its child. The face was feminine and delicate but was still stretched over the ball, like every other Prime Vestige. But he felt something wrong about this one.

"You rude brute!" The prime complained.

"Touchdown!" Noah said as he clapped Robert's shoulder. "Beam us up, Scotty!"

"What?" Robert asked, not getting the reference.

"SET ME FREE!"

"Use your talent!"

Robert did. Colors vanished as the monkey horde became frozen in place.

"Eek!" The prime shrieked. "Unhand me!"

Amanda was already holding the pink ball in her other hand.

"I'm fragile!" The pink Prime whined.

"Prime Vestige!" Amanda lilted with a pep in her voice. "What is—"

"Not now!" Noah said with finality. "We need to secure ourselves to Robert with the silk ropes first."

Amanda sighed deeply but acquiesced.

They tied the ropes around themselves, which was awkward because they had to make sure they maintained physical contact at all times. When everyone was bound and wouldn't get devoured by the void just because of one jump of joy, they sat in a circle.

"It's the second prime you manifest!" Amanda complained.

"Not much I can do!" Robert hedged with a placating hand. "Go ahead, you may ask the Prime what its talent and affinities are now. Right, Noah?" He checked. The teacher was frozen. "Noah? What's wrong?"

Professor Actus shook his head. He then schooled his body language, going from tense and concerned to relaxed. "Amanda, manifesting Primes is a sign you are creating more Ether than you can keep. If you apply Dinniman's Third Theorem to the Ether required to manifest a prime, you'll see the issue."

"You are correct, how silly of me," Amanda said to misdirect and avoid getting more math homework. "May I ask the prime what its talent is?" She asked Robert.

The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

"Go ahead," Robert replied.

Noah shifted his head to and fro.

"Pink Prime vestige!" Amanda said theatrically. "What is your power?"

"If another person merges with me, Their species will change to 'fairy' fairly forever," the pink Prime replied. She then cleared her throat, if Prime Vestiges had throats. "And they shall be forever bound as a servant to the one who manifested me!" The Prime boasted.

"What the hell?" Amanda cursed as she flinched away.

"It is as I thought," Noah sighed. "Congratulations, Robert. You manifested the fourth in recorded history."

Robert froze. His thoughts, accelerated by his mental palace ran through the gamut of knowledge he absorbed during those long nights at the libraries. Prime Vestiges, only three ever found... He cradled the pink ball. His body trembled.

"Is this a 'unique' Prime Vestige?" Robert asked, fear in his voice.

"What? That's nonsense," Amanda dismissed. "Pink vestige, what are your affinities?"

"Fairy, Eldritch, and Space!" The pink ball replied, her voice half-muffled by Robert's hand.

"Amanda," Robert called, trying to get her head out of the clouds. "Hadn't you noticed this Prime has quite the personality?" He asked, putting emphasis on "personality".

She blinked three times as she stared at him. "Yeah, I mean. It's cute, isn't it?"

Noah nodded, then snapped his fingers. "Amanda, ask again but this time about you taking it into yourself."

Amanda grinned. "Sure. Pink Prime Vestige, what powers would you grant if I take you into my soul?"

The pink ball's face scowled, "None! I won't bind with you." It then blew a lengthy raspberry at the girl.

"Rude!" Amanda glowered.

"Now, Robert. Ask the same question," Noah guided.

"Pink Prime Vestige, what powers would you grant if I took you into my soul?" Robert asked.

"It would be a waste... but you would gain the power to turn into a fairy."

"Would I go back to being a human if I wanted?" He pressed.

"Sure, yes. I mean, why would you want that?" The Prime Vestige scoffed.

"There you go. Prime Vestiges aren't that reactive, responsive, and they definitely do not custom tailor their talent to the user," Noah pointed out. "Now, Robert, ask more about the talent but try different approaches. Make sure to emphasize you intend to use the Prime Vestige on yourself."

"I'm right here," The pink ball said with an annoyed voice. Then she sighed. "Fine, let's play like I'm a dumb Prime."

"if I merge my soul with you," Robert started. "What could I do as a fairy? Is there a limit on how many times I can transform?"

"You can do fairy things, doh. Fly, become invisible, charm mortals... and so on. And no, you can transform as many times as you want, but each transformation takes time."

"Fly?" Robert whistled.

"Yes. Fairies have, like, fairy wings. They look something like a butterfly, or a dragonfly's, or a mix in-between. And they are for flying."

"How tall would Robert become if he transforms into a fairy?" Amanda asked with glimmering eyes.

"A foot tall. No taller than that."

"Would you grant me the same affinities?" Robert asked. If it was, this was a done deal. For three extra affinities, he'd even become a fairy permanently.

"No. For wasting my purpose, you'll get only Space."

"It's still a done deal," Robert thought out loud.

"Right? The servitude part is the only reason I am not snatching that Prime out of your hands right now," Amanda declared as her chest rose and fell. Robert saw her discreetly wipe the corner of her mouth too.

"And I have an oath to not harm my students. Taking their opportunities for myself counts as such," Noah said. "I think you should go for it."

Robert moved the Prime Vestige to his ring. "After we get settled," He said. "It's too dangerous to try this here. The liminal void is only safe if we respect its rules."

"True. But we should also move our camp to a place that's not swarming with bloodthirsty monkeys," Noah said.

"Let's go, then."

*

*

They relocated three trees away from the passage. This tree was smaller and more isolated from the network of branches. A dead-end if this was a cave system, which it wasn't. But it had no monkeys on it and it was easier to defend than the passage platform that granted access from all directions except from below.

But in the heat of battle, Robert committed a basic mistake when he used his talent. He forgot to use it alone first to clear the liminal space time. That meant everybody got stuck in the liminal void for two long months.

The worst part was that nobody could recover essence. The void Netherecho was completely empty and their bodies were in the equivalent state to frozen in time, their stars generated not even the usual trickle of essence.

Robert was used to it, after years spent in this shadowy realm. Amanda got to play with the four Prime Vestiges they had, talking to them and trying to pry out their secrets. Noah even made it into an assignment, teaching her interrogation techniques specifically tailored to evaluate Prime Vestiges. It was entertaining and useful for her future work as an executive at Samson.

For him, the time was dedicated to tempering the void veins. Once he figured out the gist of the technique, he started to painfully convert his veins into tubes of void flesh. He kept the major blood vessels away from the tempering for the time being. While his body could afford a mishap and lose some capillaries, literally voiding an artery would spell death... if he wasn't also a Life Arch. With reconstruction, he could fix any mistakes before they became fatal.

The void heart would be another beast entirely. He would get a single shot at the deadly tempering, unless...

He was a two-star Life arch. Though it was usually reserved for the three-stars, it wasn't unheard of two-stars changing their bodies. What if he...

Created a second heart?

*

*

Robert filed the idea away for when all of his blood vessels were converted into void flesh. He made some good progress but spent all of his essence. He re-read the books he had with him for the twelfth-ish time until it was time to return to reality.

They broke camp and Robert retrieved his Primes from Amanda. Bound by the silk ropes, they counted down and safely returned to reality.

Noah scanned the area, doing a slow full turn. "No sign of monkeys in a mile around us. So long we avoid drawing attention. Robert, you are free to take that Prime now. And keep it a secret. It's better if the three of us forget about that pink Prime for all time.

At the pink Prime Vestge's request, Robert spread his sleeping bag on the thick tree branch. There was no danger to roll off the branch because he was across and even so, he had Freddy and Amanda... and probably Noah too, to catch him.

He took the pink ball. "Are you sure you'll grant me only Space?"

Nobody had an inkling of what the Fairy affinity might grant but the Eldritch was an affinity that dealt with otherworldly effects. Very powerful, very costly, and very dangerous. Uncharted waters.

"No," the Prime pouted. "You are wasting my powers! Can't you see I want to bind with a servant that will help you?"

Amanda bit her lips. Now that the novelty had faded and she could see past her rose-tinted glasses, she was beginning to...

"C'mon," Robert tried to bargain. "I won't curse another person to become my servant. That would be slavery."

"Any mortal would the thrilled to become immortal and work by your side!" The Prime protested.

"Wait," Amanda said as she stepped forward and forestalled Robert's next question. She stared at the Prime. "You love him, right?"

"Damn," Noah mumbled to himself. "That's where I was sensing a protagonist aura from, all this time." None of his students heard their teacher's musings.

"You can't have him!" The Prime shouted. "He's mine! Mine!"

Amanda pursed her lips, then sputtered as she broke into a fit of mocking laughter. "Oh, ho ho ho ho! I think I'll buy you off of him, and lock you in a vault. Unless you give him two affinities, little Prime!" She threatened.

"No! Robert, please don't sell me!" The Prime begged.

"If only you were more useful," Amanda smirked. "But you can't even understand his heart! Ha! Do you think he would want any enslaved girl by his side? The woman to stand next to Robert must be strong enough and wilful enough to match his might. It must be m—"

The Prime sensed a moment of hesitation.

"It's quickly devolving into a pre-harem catfight!" Noah said as he couldn't avert his gaze. Nobody paid him any attention.

"Were you going to say it must be YOU?" The Prime fought back;

"No-No! Absolutely not!"

"I see," The Prime grinned.

Robert bonked the pink ball on the head. "Enough, both of you!"

"But my—"

"Don't even go there," Robert warned, interrupting the pink ball's pleas. "If you really want to help me, you should grant me your full power. That servant talk is a load of bullshit."

"You wound me!" The Prime protested.

"What better way to help me than to make me stronger?" Robert cajoled.

"Fine. Fine! You get two. Fairy and Space!" The Prime relented.

"Why not all three?" Robert asked.

"You really don't want to have seven affinities. it will make things... ahsdofnwenuasdhf," The prime said but the last words were garbled. "Oh, can't say that."

"She's got a point," Noah shouted. "Seven affinities is a bit too much."

Amanda cringed, fully expecting him to request an essay on why that was true. The request didn't come, though.

"Then, I want to take you into my soul," Robert said.

"Make yourself comfortable," it replied. "Get inside the nylon blanket pupa wrap-along thing."

Robert looked at the nylon blanket pupa wrap-along thing and laughed. "Okay."

"And take off your clothes!" The pink ball yelled.

"Wait, what?" Amanda gasped. "What are you guys going to do in the nylon blanket pupa wrap-along thing?"