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1% Life's Real (a 1% Lifesteal parody)
The dogpile you wished your dog was dogpiled in

The dogpile you wished your dog was dogpiled in

Robert felt dumb.

Regardless of any psychological evaluation or people's opinions of him, he felt dumb. This feeling was caused by cognitive dissonance, where the outcome of his actions did not match any of his foreseen scenarios, for a guy who could literally peek at the future, that was telling. He didn't use foresight because he had no reason to expect to be attacked in his own dorm. Maybe he should. He didn't expect an attack at the posh cafeteria either. Some would even say this was yet another argument against his perceived intellectual ability.

Moments before, he had an extremely valuable Prime Vestige that couldn't be used by humans and a dog-shaped alien refugee undergoing a panic attack. Now, he traded all that for...

Emotional damage.

He wanted to scream. He wanted to beg Freddy to appear. He wanted to search the apartment. No way the Taulusian had left the premises. Yet, he didn't move. Ever since Freddy had vanished, Robert hadn't moved.

What if Freddy's talent was always on? What if his lick brother hadn't vanished of his own volition? Was this like the tale of the invisible man, doomed to walk around naked for all eternity?

Wait. Freddy was naked all the time, wasn't he? Damn. That was something he never really considered. Maybe he was dumb and this feeling was just his dumb brain catching up with reality.

What was the best-case scenario in this situation? Robert enumerated the possibilities, knowing very well he could miss some very obvious ones. Because he was dumb. Maybe he wasn't dumb all the time, like smart people couldn't be smart all the time or their brains would fry from overheating. Wait, was it 'fry' or 'cook'? Brains were immersed in oils, weren't they? That's why some primitive leather tanning methods used brain juices to cure the hide. Maybe if the brain was immersed in oil, it was frying instead of cooking in the heat. But then again, it was enclosed and full of water, like a pressure cooker.

Damn. He was digressing and procrastinating. The reason for that was simple. Thinking about why Freddy vanished was a painful endeavor, and the brain naturally avoided what it considered painful. It was a survival instinct. That's why people procrastinate. Stuff like homework or assignments were painful, therefore the pupil didn't do them. They shifted the pain to their future selves, ensuring they would survive a bit longer.

Of course, nobody died of homework, ever. But the brain didn't know that. Their subconscious believed they would. And they then procrastinated, just like Robert did when he thought about searching for Freddy. Crippling fear entered on one side, was processed and classified into an omega threat level in the middle, and inaction came on the other side.

The things he was running away from came back. Or not. Because they never left.

And he couldn't find Freddy even if he tried. Even if he touched Freddy, he wouldn't feel it. Talents were absolute things. If Robert's talent always kept him in the liminal void ninety-nine times as long as he spent in the real world since his last visit, Freddy was hidden from all senses or information spells.

*

*

Trusting that Actus was correct, he thought what a child would do. The answer he came up with was, to play hide and seek.

"Ready or not, here I come, Freddy!" Robert said and then started searching the house. He kept a crouch, arms extended wide, moving like a dragnet to search for the missing Taulusian.

He went for fifteen minutes, frustration building up. Then he found a clue. Some food from the automatic feeder was missing. He approached it.

(Food!)

(Asshole!)

The words formed in his mind. Robert felt a presence behind him. He turned and gasped. The first thing he saw was the purple tentacles waving around a creature that resembled a corgi from an eldritch nightmare.

image [https://i.imgur.com/STsH266m.jpg] Read "Hell Difficulty Tutorial": https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/64916

It was coming straight at him. Its expression was unreadable but the pressure from its power was undeniable.

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The message, however, was clear. He should not mess with the (food). Robert took a step away from the automatic feeder. The floating corgi moved past him, paying him no mind. Robert stayed away from the tentacles.

The feeder vanished as the purple-glowing dog reached it.

(Gone!)

Came the telepathic lament.

The pressure emitted by the corgi was so great it was suffocating Robert. The creature must be at least a four-star to exert that much pressure. Archhumans such as Titania learned to suppress their pressure as they grew and developed but this creature must've seen hell levels of combat to be this callous. It turned to face Robert.

(Food?)

The question was delivered in such an otherworldly tone that he had no idea whether it was asking him for food or asking if he was food. He'd rather it be the former. Robert waved placating hands.

"I have more food if you want. It's in the cabinet to your left," he said.

(Food! Food?)

The creature seemed excited. Robert then went to the cabinet and opened it but the powerful corgi archwizard didn't follow Robert. It stared at the fridge. Thinking it could help itself to everything in there, Robert opened it.

(Foodfood!)

The creature went for the slab of venison Robert intended to cook for Amanda. The venison floated with a purple glow and then was devoured in rapid bites. The hunk of meat was almost the size of the corgi but vanished into its hungering maw.

The corgi stared at Robert.

(Food?)

Dear goodness, it wanted more. Robert took the bag of premium food he fed Freddy with. He ripped the bag open, spilling pellets everywhere. The corgi approached, glowing eyes fixed on Robert. He backed away and dropped the bag, spilling pellets all over the kitchen.

(Food!)

With a blast of energy, all the spilled dog food and the bag rose into the air, the purple magic of the corgi enveloping them. The pellets floated into the corgi's mouth as the creature chewed on them. The glowing dog food painted the kitchen purple.

"Freddy, I need your help!" Robert clamored.

"Help? Who needs help?" Came a high-pitched bark from the living room.

Both Robert and the purple-tentacle-corgi creature turned their heads to look. There, standing on the couch, was another corgi, this one with shining armor and holding a sword in its mouth.

image [https://i.imgur.com/8Mwba4Gm.jpeg] Read "Pawstruck! Rise of the Loafblade!": https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/81479

With perky ears, and a lovable expression, at least this corgi seemed normal.

(Asshole)

The eldritch creature by his side chastised Robert.

"Can you help me?" Robert barked in Taulusian.

"Sure can, human friend! For belly rubs and head pats, I am the hero you need!" The corgi barked its reply.

Goodness. A normal-sounding dog. Or was it a Taulusian too? Robert was so confused. The eldritch corgi approached the armed, armored corgi.

(Food?)

"Food? Food sounds good!" The corgi on the couch yipped.

Food floated out of the fridge. This time it was the hamburger patties Robert wanted to eat on the weekend. As they floated, the purple energy cooked them to perfection. Medium rare.

(Food!)

"Food! Hooray!"

The two corgies happily ate the hamburgers.

"Hey, can you help me find my friend? I think he's playing hide and seek," Robert pleaded.

"Sure can, friend! It will cost you three head pats!" The corgi with a sword in its mouth barked back.

(Food?)

"Yes, I can get you more food if you help as well!" Robert offered. "And you, I'll give you three long head pats and two belly rubs if you find Freddy."

"Then we have a deal!"

The two corgies started to search the apartment. Robert remained sitting on the floor.

"Hey, I found something here!" The armored corgi barked from the bedroom. "Is this the friend you wanted?"

He returned with a wolf. It was a white wolf whose fur seemed to be made out of snow.

image [https://i.imgur.com/bNkQSVBm.png] Read "The Calamity of a Reborn Witch": https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/32908

"No. But more friends is always a good thing," Robert barked. "Hey there, friend."

The wolf growled and snarled at Robert. It clearly wasn't as friendly as the other two. Or... Well, the eldritch corgi didn't try to devour Robert so that was friendly in its own way. And it asked for food instead of taking it.

"Well, time to keep searching then. Biscuit, you check the bathroom. You there, Lumi, watch the bedroom entrance so our slippery guy doesn't go in there," the friendly corgi barked.

The dogs (and wolf) did their part and the search went on.

"Found another one!" The armored corgi barked from the living room. Robert stood up.

image [https://i.imgur.com/4NhCi7Wm.png] Read "Lemon": https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/66456

At this point, Robert feared he'd be dogpiled without ever seeing a hint of Freddy's camouflaged fur. The newcomer came and smelled Robert. He gave her head pats.

"Hey, me first!" The armored corgi approached. Robert gave him his payment.

Overwhelmed, Robert shifted into the liminal void. All the dogs disappeared. Then he saw it. Sitting in the corridor, staring at where he was, Freddy had droopy ears and a sad expression. It seemed he found a flaw in Freddy's talent. It didn't extend to coexistent dimensions. But... Did he summon all those dogs with his Illusion affinity? Which meant Freddy had already created a spell out of whole cloth?

Daaamn.

How talented was he? Robert couldn't even fathom he'd do that in less than an hour after ascending. He sat next to Freddy and wrapped an arm around the Taulusian. He waited for days, once more. When he returned, the feeling of touch vanished. He still held tight.

Freddy appeared. He didn't try to run away or anything. Were all these illusions tests? Where did he get the ideas for all these dogs? And wolf? Was Freddy reading stories on the side? Wait, could he read?

Robert laughed. To scare his inner demons, and because he was so impressed with Freddy.

"Do you want to play again?" Robert asked.

"Asshole?" Freddy asked.

"No, no. We need to talk about your language, young sir. You are not yet an animal archmage. You need to be nice."

"Belly Rubs?"

"Sure. You want some?"