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1% Life's Real (a 1% Lifesteal parody)
Hey, is it a Plants versus Zom– Salamanders game now?

Hey, is it a Plants versus Zom– Salamanders game now?

This realm was almost flat and oppressive. Compared to the Puffbloom Islands, the light was dimmer, and the air was heavy, stale, and smelled of ashes. Just existing inside that place was a challenge to one's mental health. But the damned should have no respite. Professor Actus was a harsh taskmaster, always pushing his students to perform their best. They traveled and fought for three days, more of the former and a good amount of the latter, as they crossed the realm, going around the lava pools. All of their time was spent either gathering or fighting. Noah had to intervene twice when large packs of salamanders came out of the lava pools.

When it was time to sleep, Robert would use his talent to flush the accumulated time, then wait for exactly five minutes and forty-two seconds with everyone already inside the tent and ready to shift into the liminal void. That gave them nine hours and thirty minutes to sleep in the safety of the liminal void. More importantly, away from the oppressive heat. It also had the advantage of pushing them out of the liminal void soon after they woke up, to avoid the issues they had with prolonged confinement in the Gravity Slime Caverns.

Robert used the remaining time to work on his mental palace tempering. In the year he had since they entered this realm, he added a river going across the vast plains. As the imaginary realm inside his mind expanded, the time dilation increased. Currently, it was at two-and-a-half times the time spent outside. The increased mental fortitude granted by this tempering was already having its effects on him, giving Robert increased clarity of mind and a slightly faster thought process. It didn't make him smarter but he could perform the purely mental tasks within his ability in less time.

He next wanted to add some hills and a mountain at the edge of the dimension, to add some flair to the flat horizon.

*

*

The latest batch of salamanders died, the finishing blow a massive basalt spike that pierced through the amphibian's soft(er) belly. Amanda groaned and sat down, nurturing a massive headache. "Would you think me crazy if I said I'd rather be in the slime caverns?" She asked Robert.

He shook his head as he sat next to her. "This realm sucks. Too hot, too dry, and the monsters are too dumb and hard."

Amanda leaned and rested her head on his shoulder. "I know, right?"

Robert thought about how bad this place was to her affinities. Her Nature affinity was almost useless. Any plants she grew would burn instantly. And without wildlife around her, her druidic attunement was worthless. Water's offense was with high-speed water attacks or by moving the fluids inside one's body to deal massive damage in melee. Getting up close and personal with the salamanders was a recipe for disaster. And last, Earth was bad because the monsters were too tough. She had to spend massive amounts of Essence every fight instead of relying on weapons. Finally, the pendant's constant shocks did little to improve her mood. But it was worth it. Getting a tempering from another affinity was a huge thing.

"No fire-proof plants?" Robert asked.

Amanda shook her head. "Unfortunately, none that can grow without water in this heat."

"What about using your evolution upgrade to Plant Growth to make one?"

"I've got no essence to spare. These lizards are everywhere."

"You should focus on evolving a plant suited for this place. I can keep the salamanders from attacking you."

Amanda looked conflicted. She wanted to fight but didn't have the right tools for the job. Her impatience and reluctance to fully commit to any project was keeping her from developing her powers. She stalled her tempering for months, tried to blend in with the other students at the mollusk passage, then got him roped into this bodyguard job on a whim. She also had a surprisingly small repertoire of spells for someone with unlimited funds like her.

It was like she was afraid of committing down this or that path and steering her talent's evolution away from some imaginary path. If Robert had to estimate, out of each one thousand Archhumans, one or two didn't have their shit together by the time they reached two stars. In a way, she and Robert had much in common. Robert also had an avoidance of commitment, but it was with his writing. When he thought about the situation in that light, he understood more about Amanda's problems.

"Someone once said that if they had a hundred hours to chop down a tree, they would spend ninety-nine sharpening the ax," Robert continued.

"What plant do you think I should use?" She asked.

"Try a cactus. They are already adapted to dry environments. Or better yet. Prickly pears. Why don't you use the fruit bomb spell?"

He closed his eyes and imagined the cactus pads full of red fruit, covered in spines, ready to blow up and launch the spines onto the targets. Better, the pads could launch the fruits at the target and then have them blow like grenades.

"Here's what I suggest you do..."

*

*

They fought some more salamanders, Robert taking the lead and doing all the damage so Amanda could replenish her essence. He also wanted to accumulate the largest amount of time she was comfortable staying in the liminal void. Once both conditions were met, he signaled to make camp.

Professor Actus led them to a cavern far away from the lava pools. There, they set down some furniture and a cooling ward Freddy volunteered to power since he hadn't much use for his own essence.

"I intend to take Amanda with me to the liminal void so we can develop some plant strains that will endure the conditions here," Robert said.

"Using her first-stage plant growth spell to evolve these traits, I assume," Noah said. "I'm coming along."

Noah walked further down the cavern. He stopped near a rock wall and drew a rune. "Natural disaster: Landslide."

That section of the cavern broke down as rocks fell down deeper inside. Noah waited for them to stop and then collected the rocks in the bags of holding they captured from the smugglers.

The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

"We will need to make some raised beds for Amanda's plants," he said as he tapped the bags.

They tied the silk rope around themselves. Robert used his talent with his clockwork timepiece in hand. Once they'd shifted and the artifice mechanism finished its computations, he announced the time they had.

"Two months, eighteen days, and nine hours."

That would be their longest stay in the liminal void ever. More than half the real-world time they had for this expedition.

They set up the tent, with an outdoor extension of the tarp so Amanda could place her raised grow beds.

Noah cleared his throat. When he had the student's attention, he started. "This will be a good challenge. Amanda, you must use the smallest amount of essence on each plant growth spell. You won't recover any essence in this dimension. If you have any growth supplements, I recommend you use some to refill your essence."

Growth supplements almost always came in the shape of pills made out of condensed essence. Their substance was similar to the crystal made out of slime cores but in a presentation that slowly dissolved when exposed to stomach acids. They would leak pure Ether inside the Archhuman's body and allow them to push their stars further ahead. They came in grades from one to four, and each was rated safe for Archs with the same amount of stars or lower than that. The prices were prohibitive and as most artificial methods of advancement, led to minimal evolutions. Yet, the time saved was often more valuable than the uncertain evolution. They also doubled as emergency essence refills but it was a huge waste of money.

Amanda didn't even stop to ponder. "Yes, I was thinking about the same thing."

They used the heating plates they made in the Puffbloom Islands to make the grow beds as hot as they could without using actual fire. Amanda planted the specimens they thought would be the easiest to evolve resistance to heat and started to iterate through the generations of plants, selecting those who had thrived the most in the heated beds.

*

*

While Amanda ran her experiments, guiding and iterating through dozens of plant generations each hour, Robert asked Noah for assistance.

"I want to drop these spells, and create a Time tempering technique that has a similar effect," He explained.

The spells he wanted to get rid of were prescience, danger sense, and the weird "what if" one that had no name. Prescience was very useful but also placed a heavy burden on his essence.

"There's an issue with that," Noah said. "It might be possible but if you do that, you'll always see into the future. That will be ridiculously confusing. What I recommend is to turn the passive spell into a tempering and keep the Prescience spell for when you need a boost to your divination abilities."

Tempering techniques were always a challenge. In some ways, one could say they were designed to be as hostile to the Archhuman as possible.

"Shouldn't you work on the task I assigned you instead? Creating the Void affinity defensive spell?" Noah asked.

"No. I'm working on the theory and adapting a spell from the Force affinity to use Void essence. But this takes precedence. I need to save essence during the fights. And that means to stop running Prescience all the time."

"Okay. Here's how you do it. Go into your Ethercosm and study the shell for Prescience. See how the rune sequences on the bands convey the intent of the spell. Then, look at your tempering techniques and see what they have in common. I believe this should be inspiration enough for you to work toward that goal."

Robert thanked Noah and set to work.

*

*

It was yet another fight against the monsters from the magma pools.

Amanda dropped the seed on the ground, already infused with Nature essence. The moment it touched the ground, a thick stem shot out, growing red bulbs around it. These bulbs grew, changed colors to shades of green, sprouted spines, and flattened into pads in a matter of seconds.

The salamanders were fifty feet away and approaching. Robert was ready to dash forward and use the void punch on them if Amanda didn't manage it.

She poured more Essence and triggered her talent. The top arch of the pads sprouted dozens of red buds each, while the pads shifted as the stem grew and twisted to point the prickly pears toward the salamanders. As she focused her power, the buds became deep red balls with gray spines pointing upward and to the sides. The pads pulsed, a bulge forming at the base and traveling toward the buds. The wave made a series of pops once it reached the pears, exploding their stems and launching the pears toward the salamanders.

The monsters immediately reacted by breathing fire all at the same time at the incoming projectiles. They burst and sent a hail of spines in a hemisphere facing the salamanders. The few pears that survived or weren't targeted by the fire blew further away, closer to the salamanders.

Robert heard the cactus spines ricochet on the rock. He couldn't see well because of the glare the fire breath left but sense life told him the salamanders had lost a considerable amount of vitality as they roared in pain.

Enraged and injured, the salamanders picked up their pace. As they burst forth from the smoke left by their fire breath, Robert could see that three of them had at least one injured eye. All of them had cactus spines lodged between and underneath their scales.

Amanda kept a steady stream of essence toward the prickly pear cactus plant she grew. A second volley of buds grew on the pads and launched right as they became mature. A series of pops and clicking sounds joined the roars and the sizzling of the magma as the projectiles found the soft spots on the salamanders' bodies only because of their massive numbers.

It was the product of three days of intense research and evolution. Hundreds of prickly pear cacti generations passed before this specimen evolved. And that was because they were guided by Amanda's evolved spell and her talent.

"Retreat," Amanda said.

They both raced away from the rampaging monsters as the prickly pear cactus bulged, overloaded with essence. As the salamanders were about to trample over the plant, it blew up. That variant of prickly cactus produced combustible oils inside of its pads. These oils helped launch the pears and also worked as fuel for the explosions.

The spines flew at speeds comparable to that of bullets. Normal cactus spines would do fuck all to the salamanders' tough skin. But these were wreathed in Nature essence. That made them tougher and sharper, as well as a delivery method for the essence.

One of the salamanders, the one that was almost going over the plant had a chunk of its head deeply lacerated by the exploding plant. The others suffered less severe injuries but were stopped in their tracks by the pain. Against softer targets, the explosion would be fatal.

Amanda cast Plant Growth again. This time, she targeted the seeds embedded in the bodies of the salamanders, hoping to capitalize on the distraction. They sprouted, seeking to root themselves in the stone-like flesh of the salamanders. The pads grew and matured but Amanda didn't wait for the prickly pears to grow. She just exploded the new cactus plants point-blank.

Two of the salamanders were knocked unconscious by the explosions. The other two tried to breathe fire at the humans. Forewarned, Robert tapped Amanda's shoulder and used his talent to dodge the fire. After a couple of hours in the liminal void, they emerged further away. Hidden from sight by a rock and on the side of the wounded salamanders.

Robert peeked out and cast drain essence on them. The salamanders complained, thrashed, wailed, and stomped. It took some time for the monsters to notice where the humans were. By the time they went around the rock formation to attack them, Robert's curse had already paid off.

A salamander opened its mouth and loudly belched but no fire came out of it, only puffs of smoke.

"Your kills," Robert said as he dismissed his curses.

Amanda used her disk launcher to deliver bamboo seeds under the salamanders. Once there, she activated her talent and caused a grove of red bamboo to shoot up. It pierced the salamanders' soft underbelly and pinned them in place.

"Watch my back," Amanda said as she drew her sword and charged forward. Weakened and without their fire breath, it was cheaper to finish the monsters with a melee attack.

Robert followed with his spear. He harassed the salamanders to draw their attention and let Amanda deliver the killing blows. He then stood guard as she collected the surviving seeds from the bodies.