Novels2Search
1% Life's Real (a 1% Lifesteal parody)
Psychotic Elimination Round!

Psychotic Elimination Round!

The camera focused on a well-dressed man. It was night on the beach, with some tiki torches shedding faint illumination. Despite that, the two people could be seen with perfect definition.

"Greetings everyone, and welcome back! I'm M.Delta and I'll be your host today! We are here with Veronica, former bookstore salesperson and now a prospective Archhuman ascendant!"

Fake clapping sounded.

"She now has to decide on what Prime Vestige to take into her soul! This choice will either make or break her life! Let's see our final contenders!"

The camera panned to a log bench with some Prime Vestiges arrayed before returning to M.Delta.

"And here they are. Our call center is still taking calls so you have a chance to vote! Call now and see wonderful offers from our sponsors!" M.Delta shoved the microphone in Veronica's face. "Are you nervous, Veronica?"

"Yeah, I—"

"You heard the lady! She's so nervous she forgot how to speech! See you after this brief commercial break!"

*

*

"It's down to these two finalists! On the left, we have this golden-bronze Prime Vestige. Sporting dual Holy and Metal affinities, can we have a round of applause for Energy Absorption!"

More recorded applause.

"Energy absorption can take a chunk of every blow she may receive and convert it to essence she can use! It's marvelous! Damage mitigation and more essence, all packed to make a frontline healer that can take some punishment! And that's not all!"

"With the Metal affinity, she can enhance her body to become almost as tough as steel! She can also synergize with heavy armor and enhance her own armor and eliminate the movement penalties associated with wearing such protection. And on top of that, her talent will reduce damage dealt before the armor!

This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.

"And the Holy affinity provides both offense and defense! High-quality healing! Did I hear someone say that Holy spells are expensive? Well, nothing some knocks on her own armor can't fix! Here we have a healer that won't get tired or cap out of essence anytime soon! She can fill two roles as both the tank and the healer! Amazing!"

M.Delta, the host then shifted to the other Prime Vestige. It was Gold-Brass, a very different shade of gold.

"But our second contender of this night is nothing to scoff at. Let's show our appreciation for... the Lightning Healer!"

More recorded applause. The tape even had a bad splice, causing the sound bite to stutter at one point.

"Who needs defense when you aren't where the enemy's blow will land? Boo-hoo! With the Lightning Healer, Veronica will zip to and fro, never getting stuck in traffic, ever again! And that, ladies and gentlemen, is already worthy of binding one's soul. But this is not all.

"Almost instantaneous movement! And there's no speed limit for pedestrians, last time I checked the motor vehicle code! Do you know why? Because feet aren’t yet considered motor vehicle! But I can see the legislature at the capital nervously biting their fingernails as they try to plug this loophole. But by the time they do, Veronica will already be two states away!"

Recorded sitcom laughter.

"What about the affinities, I hear you asking. Well, this baby here comes equipped with, Yeeeaww!" M.Delta shouted like a rock band vocalist, "Light-tin-ning, bay-bey! And Holy, of course."

"Lightning, the most offensive and rapid-fire affinity!" He put the microphone in front of Veronica. "Bet you don't want that on your husband!"

"I'm not ma-married," Veronica stammered.

"You heard the lady. What are you doing there sitting in the audience, boys? Come over here and woo her!" M.Delta put his hand on the ear. "What's this, production? We have a no-compete in place and can't make dating shows? Well, too bad for Veronica!"

Veronica blushed and hid her face between her hands.

"Lightning. Ranged damage. Stun. Eel-Hector-cute-on! WOOW!" He shouted an octave higher.

"So, who's gonna win? Wow, oh, who's gonna to be daddy tonight? Vote, vote, vote, vote! The poll is in the previous chapter!"

*

*

Amanda glanced at her newest hire. Veronica was shaking, her eyes closed. She gave the woman a shoulder rub.

"Veronica?" She asked.

The woman opened her eyes. "Yes? What is it?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I was just thinking about what Prime to pick. Imagining how it would be."

"Take your time. This is a huge decision, you should be sure of what you want," Amanda said, unaware of the whole carnival going on inside the other woman's head.