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1% Life's Real (a 1% Lifesteal parody)
Try this New Mt. Pew Flavor: Victory that tastes like Defeat!

Try this New Mt. Pew Flavor: Victory that tastes like Defeat!

She could feel the roots of the bloodcrest vines burst out of the bag and burrow into the octopus' flesh. She laughed as they fed, growing at breakneck speeds thanks to her talent and spell combo. The vines sucked whatever blood was left in the monster's veins, burrowing deeper and deeper as the roots dug. Stems moved upward, toward what the plants believed to be the surface.

The octopus was drained of essence. Its resistance to the plants' growth was nonexistent. The antlers started to grow but Amanda only flipped the bird at the creature's single eye that was glaring at her. It totally wasn't her imagination. It was also out of stamina and dying of exsanguination.

"Zap me, bitch!"

She shouted and broke into a fit of chortles. The chortles evolved into sobs and soon she was crying. Amanda wept for her lost... friend. Bodyguard. Employee. Crush. There, she admitted. A faint crackle rang and a half-assed lightning bolt struck near her.

"Just die already!"

She fumed and started to climb the creature's body, intent on stabbing the thing in the eye. Alas, her sword was somewhere in the pool of blood downstairs. She didn't care. She was going to karate chop that thing's eye until either it or her hand broke. Fuck this thing. Fuck this monster. Couldn't it just stay in the water, doing water monster things?

Why did it have to come down here, flatten two miles of cavern floor, and...

Fuck.

Her.

Life?

She screamed and punched the monster's eye. It did fuck all damage to it. The first blades of navy blue grass sprouted out of its gigantic head, and then the vines spread. If they had anything to climb on, it would be beautiful. Bloodcrest vines took the color of the blood they sucked.

"Frrrt! Queee! Kwish!" A sound that went from a rumbling fart to a balloon sputtering to a squishing wet rang as the octopus trembled.

Jets of black ink squirted from underneath the monster, out of an orifice suspiciously close to its anus.

"Oh, so NOW you are afraid of dying, you dumb motherfucker?" She asked like a gangster. "Have the grass eating your brains actually made you smarter, you sonovabitch?"

She kicked the octopus' eye, leaving a bloody boot print on it.

The whole monster started to shake, the tentacle stubs and the one intact one convulsing and flailing around. The pincer clacked maniacally.

Amanda lost her footing and fell ten feet to land on a dead tentacle. Blood and ink spurted from underneath.

"FUCK YOU!" She shouted.

Amanda wheezed and gave up. She just remained there, bent around her beck, resting over the tentacle-like her great-grandmother's knitted scarf sometimes rested over her chair's armrest. As her adrenalin wore off, the pain of her wounds finally caught up to her. She screamed, wailed, and wept.

The vines reached the ground and quickly spread all around the puddle of blood, sucking it dry in minutes as a carpet of blue murder grass spread around the battle site. Due to her druidic attunement, the monster plants she grew wouldn't harm her. And look, the bloodcrest vines even found her sword for her. Such nice children.

The octopus finally expired. All of its essence and power flooded into Amanda. Her star absorbed all that Ether and the aura from her achievement and grew. It wasn't enough to push it to one hundred percent completion but it was close. Amanda entered her Ethercosm to check. Ninety-six percent. Fuck. So close. Why didn't it reach full completion?

Because she shared the kill with Freddy, that's why. She was sure the Taulusian deserved his share. The thought of having one surviving friend warmed her heart.

She left her Ethercosm and opened her eyes. The dust cloud was gone and she felt like shit.

"Freddy?" Amanda called.

"WOOF!"

She heard a bark coming from a bit far away. Rolling on the tentacle, she groaned and grunted as her cracked ribs complained. Amanda saw the camouflaged alien sitting a bit away from the edge of the bloodcrest vine patch. Smart puppy. These plants were deadly to anyone else but her.

Amanda slid off the tentacle and slowly touched down on the vines. The plants moved to make room for her boots. She slowly walked and retrieved her sword, then started to harvest the seed stalks. They needed to dry before they became viable and then get treated with acid. The seeds usually went through the digestive tract of unsuspecting creatures that grazed on the grass and they evolved to adapt to those circumstances.

Once she harvested all the stalks she could find, both on the ground and above the dead, desiccated monster, she cast a spell she seldom used. The dead octopus gave her enough essence to almost fill her pool.

"Drain Plant."

It felt like betrayal but she really couldn't let the bloodcrest vines take over this realm. They were useful but still were a liability. The plants' lifeforce and Ether were drained and mostly scattered to the winds, only a small portion of essence returning to her. The blue turned to gray and the vines became kindling. But at least the vines granted her star another percentile point of growth.

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She walked to the edge of the dead patch of vines, kneeling to pet Freddy's head. Her legs failed her and she fell on her knees.

"We survived, Freddy," Amanda said as she shifted into a sitting position.

Freddy whined and bumped its cheek against her.

"Don't lick me. I'm disgusting," she bemoaned and threw an arm around Freddy's neck. Freddy sniffed, then barked happily. She could feel his tail wagging. "What?"

Freddy looked behind her. Amanda froze as if the octopus had shot lightning up her spine from the afterlife.

A hand touched her messy hair. "You did a good job," Robert's voice came from behind and above her.

Amanda felt she couldn't breathe. Her chest moved but no air passed. Healing flooded her, meticulously going after each of her wounds. She whimpered when her ribs were forced back in place and stopped poking at her lungs. She wept when the sprained ankle she didn't know she had moved back in place. She felt sleepy when her whole-body swelling deflated. Finally, she gave up when the Lichtenberg marks on her skin were erased.

*

*

Noah finished the harvest. These lightning-imbued antlers were perfect. He glanced at the lake above, scanning it with his mask's eyes. The other giant monsters gave up on the meal after he intimidated them. Good. The octopus flesh was useless but maybe he could find some edible meat in the intact claw.

Everything went well. Better than he predicted, even. Amanda killed the octopus with fewer wounds than he foresaw. His talent, which he dubbed "who would win", allowed him to pitch two people and see the winner of a fight to the death and how wounded they would end up. It was all hypothetical and he didn't see the fights per se. His talent didn't give him any information about people's abilities.

It also was seldom wrong. In fact, in all his time as an Arch, it only missed once. And it was enough to tarnish his reputation forever. Outside factors and unforeseen changes in mood or morale that were unrelated to one's powers caused these variations in outcome. His talent always assumed both combatants would fight in full control of their mental faculties, emotions, and powers.

This was necessary for Amanda's growth. She wanted a good evolution of her talent. One that transformed plowshares into swords. It was the opposite of what usually happened.

The doe-eyed students were often excited when he told them of growing through combat. Of becoming the best Archs they could be. No amount of warning could make them aware of the costs. What Noah could do was to make sure they never bit more than they could chew.

It wasn't the case more times than he wished.

He only hoped she would forgive him.

*

*

Robert knelt. He ruffled Freddy's fur before he picked Amanda up in his arms. He scowled when he saw Noah up on the monster, cutting the antlers. Harvesting the antlers. The monster had made a mess out of the better part of the cavern. And if it weren't for Noah keeping the other monsters away, the fight would've turned into a kaiju festival. Yet, his prediction was true. Amanda killed the lightning octopus. He could only imagine how strong she became. Did she reach a hundred percent in her star? He had no idea. Freddy didn't but Freddy was a neophyte with two spells.

The way she killed the creature impressed him. He didn't know she had such deadly plants in her arsenal but the biohazard symbol etched on the box lid told him all he needed to know about it. Those weren't things to be used in ordinary fights. He wasn't even sure she should have access to those plants. The speed at which the vines drained the giant octopus's worth of blood was concerning. They could suck a person dry in seconds.

He took her to their tent in the liminal void, leaving Noah behind. He could use a few days away from the teacher to cool down. He placed Amanda on a mattress and then took a towel. He slowly removed her uniform with a pair of emergency scissors, using the towel to keep her modesty away from his eyes. Then he used a bucket of warm water and a sponge to clean her arms, legs, and head. He washed her hair, dried it, and tied it in a single braid.

After putting everything but the towel away, he waited for her to wake up. Hours later, she did.

"Hey," she called.

"Hey. How are you feeling?" Robert asked.

"Like a hundred-ton squid took me to a dance," Amanda replied.

"Good. Don't get angry at me, please. I just wanted to make you comfortable."

Robert's eyes wandered to the towel. Amanda followed them and found out what he meant. She blushed.

"Ee-it was an emergency, right?" I was wounded, you only wanted to make sure I was okay! Yes."

"I didn't do anything untoward."

Robert wondered why she looked disappointed for a brief moment. He dismissed the thought.

"I know you didn't. All we need to clear the doubt is to get my granny to ask how many times you did anything lewd to me while I was unconscious."

Robert frowned. He stood up, then sighed. "Sure. You do that, Miss. But before you leave, tie this around your waist or ankle."

He dropped the metal ball on a silk rope next to her on the mattress. Then he vanished into his room.

*

*

Amanda felt like the most idiot dumbass in the whole world. Why did she pull her granny out of all people to make a joke about? She bashed her hands against her head.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!" She keened.

Amanda raised the towel, staring at herself. Her torso and upper thighs were still dirty, proof that Robert didn't do much.

The young woman didn't move, just rocking her head front and back, bashing the crown of her head against the mattress. Minutes passed, and then she wept.

Amanda couldn't believe she was that dumb. The fight messed with her head, and she was going from sad to excited, then back to sad. She pursed her lips and slapped her cheeks. So what if Robert saw her in her underwear? He was just taking care of her. Damn, he braided her hair so neatly. Where did he learn how to do that? Did he have a girlfriend? Did he use to braid her hair too? No. Why was she jealous? Damn. Everything was a mess and her head wasn't in the right place. Her feelings were all over the place.

And now she was stuck here, alone for how many days, just the two of them. The thought made Amanda's heart race and her mind went haywire for good now. It was something she wished they could do for a long time. Just the two of them, alone, beholden to nobody. And she had to run her tongue, speak before she could think – which might be a superpower – and ruin everything!!!!!

Amanda bit her fingernails, screaming with her teeth clenched. Then she opened her mouth wide and screeched. The damn rooms had sound isolation runes. Robert would hear a thing and she needed to vent!

Out of breath, she slumped on the mattress and just breathed, eyes closed, her forearm resting over them. Lips pursed, the other hand curled into a fist, bashing against the floor.

She heard one of the tent flaps opening. "Amanda, please don't forget to tie the silk rope," Robert spoke, then the zipper came up.

Amanda froze. Like in slow motion, her jaw moved, opening her mouth like in a yawn. The color drained from her face. Her eyes widened. Her skin chilled.

The sound isolation runes weren't on.