Novels2Search
1% Life's Real (a 1% Lifesteal parody)
This is the Lewdest Chapter in the Whole Story. You've Been Warned.

This is the Lewdest Chapter in the Whole Story. You've Been Warned.

Robert felt guilty. He kept the flap open and the soundproofing runes off only so he could be ready to act in the unlikely case of Amanda forgetting to tie the ball to her waist, go jumping around, and get devoured by the liminal void. Of all the worst-case scenarios, it was just a notch above getting her pregnant. This camp-in-the-void strategy gave them a ton of extra time, but the risks were enormous.

And of course, she didn't tie the damn ball to her waist. He could do without the inhuman screams but he took those as his punishment.

He sat on the chair by his desk and sighed. Noah was insane. That or he had future prediction abilities better than what a Time Arch could get. Robert thought about the insane things the teacher did. Pulling hundreds of slimes at them. Intervening at the last moment. Letting Amanda fight that creature alone.

Robert grimaced. She had thirty broken bones. And not the tiny unimportant ones. It took all of his essence to fix everything wrong with her body. But he apparently couldn't fix the wounds she took in both mind and spirit.

He needed to make sure she had tied the damn ball to her waist. If she hadn't yet, he would go there and do it himself, whether she wore a ball gown or was butt naked.

Robert pulled the zipper. "I have my eyes closed. Did you—"

"I'm decent!" Amanda shouted.

"Did. You. Tie. The. Rope?" He asked with a bit more emphasis than he wanted but the world would be doomed if either of them nailed the delivery.

Amanda sputtered, then she laughed, then she sighed. "Yes, I did. Robert, can we talk?"

"Sure. I'm coming out."

"It's okay! I have clothes on. Many, many pieces of them."

He walked out of his room. Amanda was wearing a plush rabbit onesie. Stone-faced, Robert walked back into his room.

She giggled nervously. "Hey, what's wrong?"

He closed the zipper, triggering the soundproofing runes. Then he bent over laughing. He would usually go into the liminal void but alas, they were already there. Once he recomposed himself, he opened the zipper and walked out.

Amanda was bent over, the zipper of her onesie pulled all the way down, and the fursuit halfway off. He could see her lacy white bunny panties.

He went back in before she could see that he saw it. Before he could close the zipper, she spoke.

"I heard you!" She warned. "Did you like what you saw?"

"You have a room. Why don't you change in there?"

"Do you know how hard it is to put on this onesie with the damn rope tied to my waist?"

"No, and I wouldn't attempt it."

"I was trying to surprise you!"

"Mission accomplished."

"Agh! You are insufferable."

"I strive to please."

"Get back out here!"

"Are you decent?"

"It doesn't matter! Even if I'm naked, you must come out here now!"

"I hope you at least kept the damn rope tied to your waist."

"I know my body isn't interesting for men like you."

"I'm not having this conversation."

"Fine. Here, I closed the rabbit suit. Come out!"

He walked out. Amanda ran and jumped, wrapping her arms around his neck. Robert was thankful Noah had the presence of mind to put two extra feet of rope on the tethers than the distance between the person's waist and the ground.

He stopped digressing because Amanda was crying.

Robert did what any sane human would do. He hugged her back. Then he patiently waited as she had her catharsis. He would be more worried if she didn't cry or display any emotion. This? This was okay. Because they both knew she was emotionally hurt from her fight and now she was putting it out of her chest. Sharing it with him. When she hugged his neck tighter, he wrapped his hands around her waist tighter. He hated to admit it, but she smelled nice.

"Y twoth U err dad!" She mumbled between sobs. (I thought you were dead).

"Sorry for disappearing," Robert said. "I knew you could do it. You did a good job. I'm so proud of my warrior princess."

Her body shook as she laughed and wept at the same time. It was a rare occurrence, like having rain and a rainbow and sunshine at the same time.

"Your warrior princess?" She asked after another two minutes. Amanda pulled away so she could look at him.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

"No. I was mistaken. There's no way a warrior princess would have swollen eyes and snot in her nose."

"Agh! You meanie!" She shrieked.

"Here." He offered her a handkerchief.

"Thanks," she blew her nose with it.

Now that she was no longer hanging off her neck like an Amazon sloth, Robert put her down. He touched her cheek and used diagnosis. Though he could only offer normal healing, she was hale. Some tissue would take a few days in the real world to finish healing to full, but she wouldn't have any physical sequela from the fight. He hoped for no emotional trauma either.

"Come, let's sit down and talk," he said and grabbed her hand.

They went to the table. Amanda sat across from Robert.

"Tell me about your fight," he asked. Robert was equal parts curious and improvising some psychotherapy. He read enough books he could ace any exam on clinical psychology, both classical and Archhuman. Letting a person talk about traumatic experiences was a good way to relieve the pressure they felt.

Amanda told it, play by play. With all the details and vivid impressions. Now that the fight was over, she even boasted and gloated. Most of it was slander toward the octopus that would make the monster die of shame. She even bragged about her blood-eating grass. Vine. Whatever.

"And what about the gains? Did you reach two stars?" Robert asked.

She grinned, studying his expression with intensity. Only after he made some faces did she get satisfied and replied. "No. Three percent short!"

"No way!" He sounded impressed.

"We just need to get Noah to bring down another pack of slimes, he he!" She bragged.

"So," Robert started and ended.

"Soooo?" Amanda drawled.

"Noah predicted you would win. That's why he kept me from interfering."

Amanda put her fists on her hips. "HA! I knew it!" She gloated.

Robert believed she was acting hyper-excited and over-the-top as a coping mechanism.

"He was expecting this monster to be enough to push you to the second star."

"Maybe, but I shared the essence with Freddy for some reason. He helped a lot with his illusions."

"I'm so relieved you are alright," Robert said, fishing for a reaction.

"All is well when it ends well, right?" Amanda replied. Her voice cracked at the end.

Now the rabbit onesie made sense. Amanda wore it like armor for her heart. Robert reached across the table and held her hand.

"Hey, if you want to cry a little more, you can have my shoulder."

She bit her lower lip. With her eyelids trembling, she asked, "And what if I want to cry a lot?"

Robert smiled. He led her to the mattress he left her on. When they sat awkwardly, he mused. "I think this tent needs a couch."

"I'll make one, once we are out," Amanda offered. "Hey! Don't give me this look of disbelief! I can shape wood. I only need this mattress' measurements."

"It's okay. I believe in you."

"You better!" She stared fiercely into his eyes, desperately searching for any signs of falsehood.

"You killed that motherfucking big-ass octopus. Who could make lightning rain everywhere in a hundred feet radius." Robert made a weird hissing noise. "I thought you were a goner. But no! There you were, petting Freddy, with only thirty out of your two hundred and six bones broken. That was quite something. The lightning, I mean."

Amanda wheezed and hissed. Then she punched him on the shoulder. "Asshole."

After that, she shifted and lay down with her head on his lap. Robert tugged the onesie's ears.

"They should enchant these clothes so you had a sense of touch on the suit just like the real animal," Robert wondered.

"I wouldn't wear those. Ever," Amanda said.

Of course, she wouldn't. The onesie was her armor against the external world. One she wouldn't show to anyone. Because, to be honest, it was kind of ridiculous for a woman of her age and status to wear one. The fact she wore it in front of Robert told him how much she trusted in him. He kept stroking the suit's head anyway.

"Robert?"

"Yes?"

"If I start training hundred wet hells, will you help me? Will it be painless?"

"Yes, it will. You won't feel a thing."

"How long do we have here?" She asked.

"Two days," He replied straight away.

"Can we stay like this all the time?" Amanda asked, chiding herself inside for not asking him to spoon her.

"Sure."

They stayed like that until they both fell asleep.

*

*

Robert woke up with a mouthful of hair. He spat it, groaning. "Dammit, Freddy! Don't sleep on my face!"

Then he noticed the hair color and length. He froze. Slowly, he dawdled away.

"Where are you going?" Amanda whined and pulled his arm over her stomach. Worse, she grabbed his hand and didn't let go.

At this point, Robert pulled his hand away despite the resistance. He also moved with a bit more haste.

"Amanda, wake up," he said as he sat up.

"Just ten more minutes!"

"You can sleep for as long as you want but you still need to let go of me."

She turned and looked at him. "What the—" Amanda screamed and jumped out of bed. Robert, fearing that she would lose contact with the tent, held onto her hand.

"Did we – when – what – did we – no, I'd have felt it – wait, what just happened?" She mumbled.

"It seems we, by accident, shifted into a more comfortable position after we unintentionally fell asleep here. Nothing happened, nobody is to blame."

"Right. Yes. It was totally by accident."

"Amanda..."

"Look, I might have dreamed something weird, okay? But it was all a dream. And... I already forgot about it. Because that's what happens, right? We forget what we dreamt about last night."

"Nothing happened," Robert said.

"Nothing happened," Amanda agreed.

"There's no need to talk about this to anyone."

"Definitely."

"Good. Do you want to nibble on a cracker?"

"Just one. I really don't want all the food hitting my stomach all at once."

They had a light breakfast, just for the sake of habit, then they sat down to read. Robert kept reading the books in the cultist's ring, while Amanda read the Academy mandatory reading for the semester.

The next "night", they each slept in their own rooms. Nothing untoward happened. Not that something had happened before that, because it didn't. It was all Amanda's imagination.

His timepiece chimed five minutes before they had to re-emerge. They prepared, then walked out of the tent holding hands. It was a precaution to avoid leaving someone behind while leaving. Even if he would take the tent back to reality with everyone on top of that, Robert wanted to make sure no room for error remained. A single mishap in the liminal void meant death. Or a crippled soul, which could be considered worse.

Colors returned, and the two were back next to the octopus' corpse.

"Professor!" Amanda called.

Noah waved from where he was cutting the antlers. No antler in sight, meaning he left nothing behind.

"Hey, do you guys want to eat steamed crab?" Noah shouted.

"I'm not eating that creature, sorry!" Amanda shouted back.

"That's fine. I don't know if it's edible either." Noah said before jumping down. A small cloud of dust and desiccated foliage rose. He approached. "Has your star reached a hundred percent?"

"Ninety-seven," Amanda replied with a grin.

"Good. This means we just need to go to that river over there, get a wave of slimes, and we'll be set. I hope you aren't planning on ascending right away, is that correct?"

"A hundred percent."

"I hope you can stomach the inconvenience."

Amanda glanced at him with a raised eyebrow. "You dudes don't know the meaning of that word," She said with a smirk.

"Then let's do this," Noah said. "After you both reach a hundred percent, we are going to do a very special practical exercise."