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1% Life's Real (a 1% Lifesteal parody)
Hi, hello there! I'm the Archstronaut. I'm talking to you from Archspace...

Hi, hello there! I'm the Archstronaut. I'm talking to you from Archspace...

Robert, having lost his family only two and a half days ago... actually more like eight months counting the time spent in the liminal void, understood Mickey's pain.

"Do you want me to—"

"Oh, boy, no!" Mickey interjected, cutting him. "These guys were already a powerful corporation before the passages and rifts brought Ether and magic to Earth. They remain powerful to this day, centuries after I've been first imagined, Robert. You are but a fledgling Archhuman. You have no chance of rescuing them."

Robert deflated. He felt he was practically called useless.

"Don't worry about them. Though they are still prisoners, it's not like we'd tasted much freedom before. And they won't kill them or submit them to imprisonment in one of these spell frames of yours."

"Oh."

"You humans think vestiges and even eidolons are just ether constructs without free will, but that's not true. We might be closely tied to our affinities and concepts, but we are both sentient and sapient. But you don't worry. Binding one of us to these shells is almost like eating. The prey ceases to be. It's the nature of the universe to destroy others to get their power... I guess to stop them from gaining yours, too."

Robert had no idea what to say. "Thanks for sharing that," was all he could muster.

"I was just trying to make you happy." Mickey used one of his catchphrases.

"I'll give your suggestion some thought. Perhaps there's no harm in..." He felt his anxiety spike just from thinking about writing. His breathing became erratic and his thoughts centered about getting as far away from the notebook as possible. As if he'd die of a heart attack if he as much wrote his name on it.

"Take your time," Mickey said. "There's no rush. Besides, we still got each other, right?"

"Right. I think I'm going to sleep for a while."

With his time on Earth multiplied by a mind-boggling factor of one hundred, Robert's nap schedule was whenever he felt like it. Time spent sleeping was less time getting bored in the liminal void.

*

*

He woke up, used the last dregs of essence on cycling Lavi Flows, and then trained in some Qigong exercises. He had to remember doing it in the real world where it would give him any benefits rather than in the paradoxical void where his body functions were suspended.

Robert popped back to the real world unannounced. The section of the park where he built his void home was secluded and far away from any paths. But he thought he really needed to set those alarms to one second after he entered the void. He used the remainder of the afternoon doing two things: he went around the park gathering Time and Life wisps and checking available public passages to delve. After spending almost all the money he had on the ether scrolls and manuals, he needed an income.

Peddling his services as a healer was one way to get a spot in a group. His low essence pool would be detrimental but he bet most groups wouldn't want to miss the opportunity of getting a healer indebted to them. He also hoped that if he showed his face around, it would give the Kraven clan a harder time forcing him into service. He fully expected the blood Archhuman clan to use every underhanded method in their books to sink their claws into himself.

Staying hidden was out of the question. People saw him come and go through the park and he made no effort to shake any tails when he left the shopping mall. His hope was that they wouldn't do anything in the middle of the affluent twenty-fourth district. After spending a few minutes pondering about his choices, Robert went around the park, gathering all the Live wisps he could find. He even managed to snag a few Time ones.

With a good amount of essence in the tank, he went to the nearest public access passage.

*

*

The closest public-access passage was near an arcology belonging to the Samson Corporation in District twenty-three. The towering superstructure contained a fully enclosed habitat for the employees of the corporation and their families. Facilities ranged from offices, food production, waste treatment, shopping, factories, living quarters, and everything else in between. People inside could live comfortably their whole lives without ever setting foot outside the arcology.

Uniformed and armored guards wearing ceremonial swords on their belts flanked the entrance to the passage facility. They made no effort to hide that they were two-star Archhumans, powerful enough to stop any conflict that may arise between delving parties. The passage was a low-level and low-risk one, catering to recently awakened Archhumans. Even if someone stronger came causing trouble, they could request support from the arcology security forces. Given how fast stronger Archhumans could move, they would arrive in less time than what it would take to subjugate these guards.

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"We need your identification, sir," one of the guards said, politely.

Robert produced his ATA-issued identity. The guard scanned it with a crystal and returned it to him.

"All good, sir. You are welcome. If you have any doubts, the concierge booth is here, to your right."

Robert looked. Behind a glass panel, a friendly-looking lady was smiling at him.

"Thank you," he said as he walked inside.

He read the commemorative plaque at the entrance. The Archhumans going to and fro stared at him like he was a tourist. To be fair, he was.

> SSC-000301, also known as the Mollusk Realm, is a place full of primitive, tool-using, and boneless creatures whose body structures resemble the eponymous Earth creatures. Extensive research on live specimens proved they are not sentient, capable of the same levels of communication and organization as a pack of dogs. The Samson Corporation welcomes all delvers who wish to venture forth. We only ask you to obey the set rules.

>

> * Do not attack other humans in the realm.

>

> * Keep your dealings in the common areas civil.

>

> * Do not stalk other groups in the passage. If you detect a group nearby, it is your duty to move away or keep your distance. If the other group moves closer to you, record the interaction and report them.

>

> * Stalkers will be questioned by one of our staff. Those guilty of stalking will be banned for a month. Those lying to our staff will be banned for life.

>

> * All kills in a Mollusk pack belong to the first group to wound a member of said pack.

>

> * Delvers must report any passages found within SSC-000301

>

> * No independent medical treatment provider may practice in public areas, including the restrooms.

>

> * Any disturbance of the peace in public areas will see both groups banned from delving for a week, at least. During that week, we will investigate the matter. The instigators will see their ban increased to a minimum of one month, at our discretion.

>

> * No resource gathered in the passage may be taken out without our approval.

>

> * A hunting fee of 35% will be levied on all resources gathered. Government taxes will also be withheld by us. Form 1099-ARCH will be available upon request.

>

> * Do not access the Netherecho in the common areas. Offenders will be thrown out and barred from returning for one week. Repeat offenders will be banned.

>

> * Reasonable requests from Samson Corporation staff are to be respected and obeyed. Failure to do so will result in a ban.

>

> * Any feedback on the performance of our staff may be directed to our concierge. You can access the concierge even if barred from entry. Ask one of our security staff.

>

> * Ask our concierge about our fidelity program.

The inhabitants of the realm on the other side of the passage were also called, informally, the slug-people. But the Samson Corporation went out of its way to crush that moniker in the media. If the Mollusks were sentient, it would be hell harder to farm their bodies.

Thirty-five percent was a lot, especially when you consider that the government would take around twenty-five percent of the gross revenue. It meant the delvers took only forty percent of their hunting back home. And yet those ratios were good enough. The place was crowded. Groups of Archhumans sat on benches waiting for their turn. A crystal display on top showed the number on the queue that was allowed to enter, along with a timer counting down.

Nobody paid Robert any mind. He was in civilian clothes and obviously not ready to delve. But as a healer, maybe he could tag along with someone. Robert checked the facility map by the entrance and found what he wanted.

"LFG area? Is this an acronym? What does it mean?"

Unknown to him, it was a remnant of old times.

*

*

Meanwhile, in another place, a meeting of highly intelligent minds was taking place. The people in the room all looked like the same person but it was a mere coincidence. They were all dressed differently, at least.

"Hey," One of them said.

"Hi," Another one replied.

"Hello 'ere," A third retorted.

"Do you have a cold?"

A new one entered he looked like a twin of the other guys but he had a mustache. "Hey, great. Everyone is already here."

"Hey, boss. Good morning!"

"Good morning. Look, corporate wants us to figure out a name for this realm behind a passage, the one who screwed up the entirety of District twenty-one and triggered a mass migration of people from District nineteen to make room for those who will exploit the new passage."

"That's oddly specific, boss. Are you angry?"

"I'm pissed, I missed the opportunity to buy an apartment building on the nineteenth a few months ago."

"Too bad. Prices have skyrocketed now."

"Yeah. So, the realm we are naming today, it was called C-000421 before," the boss said. "This was fine when it was a realm behind a half-dozen passages. But now it is a zero-step realm, and people are moving there."

"I don't see the issue."

"Yeah, what's wrong with see zero zero zero four two one?"

"It's a mouthful."

"What a'boot seezeefortyuow?"

"Do you have a cold?"

"No, that sucks."

"Look, the realm's name should be evocative, it should make people think of what the realm is."

"Places' names don't look like that."

"This one should."

"Fair."

"So, what's the realm about?"

"Hey, I had an idea!"

"Hey, shut up."

"Achoo!"

"No, no. Let him talk. What's your idea?"

"The name should reflect the history of the place."

"We are trying to shorten the name."

"What do we know about the history of the place, anyway?"

"That it was far?"

"Yeah. Let's start with 'Far...'" The boss penned it down.

"Really?"

"Look, this was supposed to be an open and shut case. We need to come up with a name. And it starts with 'Far', now. Guys, this was supposed to be super easy, barely an inconvenience."

"Yeah."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"Boss, we don't have much information about the place to name it."

"What do you need? Just make up a name! Look, all you need to know is that the place is deadly. Lots of people died conquering it."

"Oh, hey. I have an idea. The place was far, and lethal. So my idea is to call it..."

"Far and lethal? Is that all you got?"

"Yeah. Far and lethal."

"Far and lethal?"

"Far ah' Lethal. Ah. Ah. Ah."

"Go see a doctor! I don't want to catch your flu."

"Faraletlal!" The third guy sneezed.

"Okay. That's it. The meeting is adjourned. The realm is named." The boss finished writing and put his clipboard down. "Thank you all for coming."

"What?"

"Faralethal. That's the realm name now, I decided."