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1% Life's Real (a 1% Lifesteal parody)
Home is Where the Monsters Won't Eat You

Home is Where the Monsters Won't Eat You

The people at the passage facility, a major transportation hub ferrying billions of dollar’s worth of ore and materials every day, gave them no trouble as they cut the queue to cross the passage. It wasn't even because of Samson, this time. Noah invoked the same imperial statute but this time they gave him safe passage.

To the empire of America, bringing refugees from the deep passages back safely in a hasty manner was particularly important. Because they could hold valuable information regarding the realms they visited and such information could prove invaluable to expand the borders of human influence or to keep threats at bay.

For example, the government would be extremely interested in knowing what happened in the Gravity Slime Caverns, or that smugglers were using the Puffbloom Islands as a safehouse. Or that the caustic ocean now had a surface and five hundred feet of clearance between the ceiling and the water.

They soon found themselves setting foot on Earth soil – actually pavement – where a reception party from Samson waited for them. This time, however, Amanda wouldn't be able to walk away.

Jeremiah Samson, Director of Logistics, and worried parent was there to greet them.

Amanda faltered. Robert gracefully took her arm around his, having predicted the faux pas through prescience. He helped her move closer to her father, who took her in a warm embrace.

"Amanda," Jeremiah's voice cracked with emotion. He cared not for his public image. He shed tears of joy as he held his precious daughter in his arms.

Cotton squealed. Robert tapped the caged furball hovering above his shoulder and chided it mentally. He waited patiently while Amanda had her reunion. The two talked in hushed voices. Robert noticed some reporters but they all were from agencies owned by Samson. They wouldn't dare make the conglomerate heiress look bad.

Eventually, the two parted but Jeremiah grabbed Amanda's hand. The executive turned to face Robert.

"Mr. Blaze, thank you for your service," Jeremiah said with a dip of his head. "And congratulations for returning from hell."

That last line was for the cameras.

Robert saluted. "Doing my job, sir. I'm honored."

Jeremiah made a hand signal. Robert moved to stand on his other side, Freddy dutifully following him like a well-trained dog. Robert thought it was as easy as a human imitating a monkey. The reporters snapped pictures of them, the camera flashes causing Coal to growl menacingly. As menacingly as a living loofah could be, that was.

*

*

They took over the passage facility lobby for an impromptu press conference.

It was the same place where once one would find a street where once a down-on-his-luck guy was coming back from work with a can of beans in a plastic and used it as a makeshift flail to smash the face of a two-star monster, delivering an impossible critical hit, and earning himself a farming Prime he traded for peanuts, along with the creepiest remnant he'd ever seen. The same farming Prime that now adorned Amanda's soul. Oh, the irony.

"Mr. Samson," One of the reporters called. "How do you feel now that your daughter is alive and safe?"

"As relieved as any parent would," Jeremiah replied with a politician's cadence.

"Professor Actus," Another reported. "Don't you think it was reckless endangerment to take one-star students that deep into the interspace."

"Absolutely not. They never took on any engagements that they couldn't win and both fought exemplary against all kinds of foes. I was always at the ready to intervene if things became too heated. Now, you must be more interested in Ms. Samson's wellbeing and I'd like to remind you that her bodyguard and classmate is a Time-affinity Archhuman. Robert, did your prescience spell ever warned you about mortal danger to Amanda during our stay?"

"Not a single time, professor."

"That's just you coddling her," Another reporter retorted, drawing an irate glare from Amanda, which drew a raised eyebrow from Jeremiah."

"The persona you are trying to impart her couldn't be more wrong," Noah rebutted. "Amanda doesn't need coddling. But I can see how your prejudice and stereotypes can cause you to think that. Unfortunately for you, you won't get an opportunity to see how she dominates the battlefield with grace and power until the Imperial Academy tournament. But I personally invite all of you to go there and see it for yourselves. I am sure you'll all be amazed by it."

"Didn't your methods cause one of your students to die?" The first reporter insisted, a smirk on her face like the cat that had cornered the mouse.

"Among the Imperial combat instructors, I am the one with the smallest fatality rate, both in absolute values and percentile proportions. Yes, I have this one black mark which I will never forget, a single student that unfortunately met their end in combat ten years ago. From both there to here and before, a whole generation of students had a hundred percent survival rate. This time, it was no different. Though our official return path was blocked when they interdicted the Gravity Slime Caverns, we still found an alternate route that crossed no less than five other realms, full of obstacles we surpassed with aplomb."

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

"Why do you think most students avoid enrolling in your classes, then?"

"Because most students are lazy and don't want to put in the kind of hard work that builds strong and powerful Archhumans. They were coddled and sheltered and loathe to leave the safety of civilization behind. No wonder most of them will never hit three stars."

"Will Ms. Samson reach three stars?" The reporter asked again, trying to press for a scoop.

"In record time," Noah's reply came over the reporter's last words. "I would like to add that my expedition plans were discussed and vetted by Mr. Samson here before we departed. We set lofty goals for Amanda's growth which were all met and more."

"That's correct," Jeremiah said. "The Samson family couldn't be happier with Professor Actus' methods and results. The accident at the Gravity Slime Caverns was a roadblock that caused a slight delay. As a parent, it is second nature to be worried about one's children. But not once I doubted the esteemed Professor in his ability to bring his students back home. And I can sense from the pressure they shed that both Amanda and Robert's growth were nothing short of superb."

Jeremiah finished his speech glaring at the reporter, daring her to keep on digging for shit. Robert got the impression that if she tried to dig for metaphorical shit one more time, she would join Samson Security and dig latrines, going for real shit for a change.

"We will address two more questions before we go home. The travelers are weary and need their well-deserved respite," Jeremiah said.

"I have one question for Mr. Blaze," a reporter said, earning a nod from Jeremiah. "You spent months with a very attractive young woman. Did anything happen?"

"You need to elaborate on what anything means to you. A lot of things happened. We fought, we laughed, the fou-three of us shared meals, and we grew closer. But if you are asking of anything untoward, I'll just say this. If Mrs. Samson were here and asked me the same question, I'd give her the same reply. No. I only performed my duties as her bodyguard and classmate. So, I'm sorry to disappoint, but there's no soap opera material to be had."

"Last question," Jeremiah said. Some hands went up in the air. "You there, with the green shirt."

"Professor Actus, when you said the goals were met, what were these goals?"

"That's classified academic information. The goals were set according to internal guides and metrics approved by the dean of undergraduate studies. At Imperial we take the privacy of our students very seriously. But I feel comfortable saying that their performance was more than double the set goals for the expedition."

"That's all," Jeremiah said. "Thank you all for being here to witness this key moment of our family's history and a great victory for Amanda. The Samson family is very happy to have her back and we believe she will rank top ten in the tournament. Look forward to it."

Robert noticed the muscles in Amanda's neck tense as she clenched her jaw. Way to go, Samson daddy. But he had to repress a chuckle. Amanda wouldn't rank top ten. She would be in the semifinals if not the finals, unless she got a really bad matchup. And it would have to be rigged for that to happen.

They departed the passage facility in the middle of district twenty-one on a limousine, inbound for the arcology.

*

*

Once more in friendly territory, Robert could let all of his wards free. He ruffled Freddy's camouflaged fur, let Cotton and Coal float around at a safe distance. it was weird that he would feel this safe inside the arcology but he only feared one entity in all of this humongous facility. After some quick soul-searching, he found out that what made him the happier was the presence of the library. He couldn't wait for the moment he would be free to go there and copy all the books in there into his intellect fortress library.

The limousine parked at a private garage on the tenth floor. A valet helped them out of the vehicle. Some servants with a refreshment cart formed the welcome party.

"Welcome home, Amanda," they said with cheerful voices. It wasn't even a fake reaction. Amanda was really liked in the arcology.

The girl smiled and bowed. "Thank you, everyone. I'm... (sniff) so happy (sniff) to be home!"

She finally let the mask drop. Thankfully, that figurative mask was not cursed like another very real mask. Amanda wept as Jeremiah hugged her. She could be weak; she could be a teenage girl who went through a scary ordeal. The triple-affinity warrior that was nigh-invulnerable took a backseat to let the person express and vent her emotions.

Robert was as touched as the rest of the staff. Cotton and Coal flew around Amanda, trying to cheer her up. Freddy whined. Jeremiah was trying and failing at keeping his emotions bottled.

Noah approached and gently clapped Robert's back. "Welcome home, Robert. I'm proud of what you accomplished."

"What we accomplished, Professor," Robert replied. "I'm proud too. And honored to be in your class."

"The honor is mine," Noah said. The he sniffled. "Damn. I was so sure the mask would hide everything."

"I learned all of your tells, Professor. I can all but see what's underneath this mask."

"You are too smart for your own good, kid," Noah threatened in jest.

*

*

But the celebration ended there. They all had a lot of emotional baggage to unpack and needed time to unwind. The constant danger, the back-to-back fights, the risks they took. It was easy to laugh it off in hindsight but the stress from the expedition was still clogging their systems. The detachment Robert felt in Faralethal was but one of the symptoms. It was hard to believe they could just rest and recuperate in real life without fear that a four-star monster would come and reap them in their sleep.

Well, at least for Amanda and Noah. As for Robert, he had his own four-star monster at home that could come and reap him in his sleep.

He was graciously allowed a full day, twenty-four hours of leisure time to unwind and come to terms he was, indeed, back home. And then he was summoned. Whenever he wasn't right next to Amanda guarding her, he was just another goon in the paramilitary organization known as Samson Security Forces. Which was a misnomer. They weren't a defensive force.

But on the third day since returning from the expedition, Robert found himself in that peculiar situation. He was on the clock, without Amanda nearby. He dressed up and left his apartment intending on riding the tram all the way to the underground training facility to report in. Freddy and the puffblooms remained inside.

Instead, he found four of his peers, dressed in black suits, wearing pitch-black sunglasses indoors, waiting for him.

"Mr. Blaze?" One of the men in black asked.

"Yes. What's the matter?" Robert replied, wary.

"Mrs. Samson has summoned you at your earliest convenience."

Which, in plain language, meant 'right fucking now'.

It was expected. Robert gave the man a cordial smile. They were but the messengers, doing their job. He saw no benefit in antagonizing them. It was time to face the piper and pay the music.

"Lead the way, gentlemen."