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1% Life's Real (a 1% Lifesteal parody)
B3- Summer Vacation Quests (5/20): Robert the Swindler

B3- Summer Vacation Quests (5/20): Robert the Swindler

Amanda sat on her bed, dismayed. After two days filled with marriage meetings in different parts of the world and a lot of long-range teleports that cost a fortune each, she came home for a night of rest in her own sanctum. Only to get the worst news ever from Veronica. Alone, she reminisced.

"Robert was here yesterday looking for you. He seemed dismayed you weren't available and said he had great news for you. He didn't elaborate."

Amanda had asked for all the details and Veronica retold the whole encounter in excruciating detail, including every movement, every reaction. And that Robert's eyes had changed color and now had an otherworldly characteristic.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. His irises seemed to be metallic, like silver or platinum, and his eyes had this shine to them. It was almost imperceptible."

She ground her teeth and punched the pillows. Damn. The change in his eyes could mean anything. He could've done some cosmetic changes to himself but she doubted it. Most likely, Robert had ascended to three stars in record time and was eager to tell her how his talents evolved, only to learn she had her whole schedule booked for the next two weeks.

And she knew he would be disappointed, to say the least, that she was having marriage interviews. Ugh, how she wanted to tell her Granny to go breed some heirs through parthenogenesis or the normal means. Dammit!

Amanda had the intelligence division pull the security data from the mall. Robert went there and visited Zaifyr the haberdasher and Aethericheart Artificers. Probably to get the doll house. When she looked at the specs, she couldn't believe it. It was a mansion, no other way around it. Robert could be anywhere around the world, doing God knew what. Three-star Archhuman stuff. Putting a lot of distance between them. At the rate she was expected to develop now that things had settled, she was facing three or four more years before she reached her third star. And she knew she had to wait for another decade to gather enough aura to ascend properly.

Robert would probably have nine stars by then, she wondered. Or he'd transcend mortal flesh and become a Void-god. And she missed her opportunity. No matter their plans, their date in Paris was all she would have to go by until the day she became as ancient as her Granny.

Samson was not worth this sacrifice. But such was the fate of heirs when the one on top was immortal: to be pawns, fuel for the organization's growth. Her odds of one day being the head of Samson were as good as her surpassing Robert in development.

Alone in her bedroom, Amanda despaired. Her negative emotions roiled and festered. She wept. She tried to soothe herself with food but it tasted bland. She tried to please herself but didn't feel in the mood. She thought of hiding under the pillows until Titania came to fetch Amanda herself. She didn't skip her rebellious phase, she just delayed it until now.

Then she stood up. If she could give her future away for this company, she could use its resources to get closer to her goals.

Amanda went to the office and used the arcology's internal communication systems. She placed an order to find Robert's whereabouts and activities immediately, at the highest priority. She didn't have clearance for such an order but posted it anyway. Five minutes later, it was approved by her father. She sent him a thank you note. He replied wishing her well and thanking her for the sacrifice.

For the first time in the long day, Amanda felt a bit of happiness.

*

*

Sawang National Park, Bhutan.

* *

Near the border with China, the forest at the foot of the Himalayas was cold and lush. All the moisture that went past India rained down here as the mountain range blocked the clouds' advance to the North. On the other side of the mountains, the climate was that of a desert.

Robert climbed stairs that were old when the rift cataclysm was breaking news. Different from Italy, this place suffered little. Some say it was because of the nation's harmony with nature but nobody knew the truth. At the end of the forest trail, Robert found a Buddhist temple. He knew it was there but still considered it a find.

He approached the doors, joined his hands in prayer, and bowed deeply. Over his skinsuit symbiote, Robert wore a robe he bought in the nearby city when he asked for the proper clothing. A young monk in colorful robes approached and repeated the gesture.

"We are honored by your visit," the young monk said in perfect English with a British accent. "How may we serve you today, traveler?"

"I seek admission to the Thunder Dragon Forest," Robert said as if in a plea.

"What is your business there? That sacred realm is dangerous."

"I seek not to harm the Thunder Dragon, but to obtain a Forest Horror's beating heartwood."

"If the honored guest can slay a Forest Horror, the Thunder Dragon would be most pleased. Please, enter."

Robert removed his shoes and stored them in his ring. Then he knelt before the monk, as protocol dictated. The monk sprinkled some water on him and stepped aside. Robert stood and walked into the temple, crossing a symbolic threshold. He could sense that the monk was smiling. Robert walked carefully, paying attention to never point both of his feet at anyone or any statues of the Buddha.

He found the donation box and glanced at the monk. Upon receiving a nod, he went there and deposited one of the storage rings he had from Peru. Then he joined his hands again and bowed, offering a prayer to Buddha.

Proper protocol was paramount. Several delvers reported that the dangers of the Thunder Dragon Forest realm were proportional to how well-behaved the visitors were during their stay in the temple.

The young monk led Robert into one of the ancillary buildings that held the passage. Robert greeted the monks he crossed, always making sure his head was lower than theirs. Receiving their blessings, he reached the passage.

"May the Thunder Dragon grant you His wisdom and welcome you to His domain, traveler."

With that final blessing, Robert crossed the passage.

*

*

The weather was oppressive. Before his fairy eyes, he saw a dense, magical forest where the trees and plants were alive and aware. The foliage glowed faintly with bioluminescence, and the air was filled with the hum of Nature essence.

Amanda would love this place, was his first thought. He noticed the plants' attention on him. Robert bowed to them and walked carefully to not step in any roots.

The guidebook on this realm said that angry plants would try to entangle and strangle trespassers. They would fight with pollen and spores that could cause any number of debuffs. Some would try to eat him alive, while others would weave illusions and mirages to misdirect him. And if these measures proved useless in blocking his progress, the plants would summon guardians made of hardwood, vines, and rocks to pummel him into submission.

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He saw some plants casting Illusion spells. Robert's evolved fairy eyes saw through them. He looked at the plant that cast these illusions, a tree fifty feet tall with hanging roots dropping from its branches. He laughed and bowed. The illusions vanished. As he progressed, it became harder and harder to avoid stepping on the roots. He found the path ahead blocked by roots that snaked over the dirt path when the plants thought he wasn't looking.

Robert felt an intimate bond with the forest. He understood that the forest had rules. It couldn't be this bloodthirsty place the delvers who attempted to brave the green hell reported. The monks harvested several potent herbs from this realm. How would Buddhist monks deal with this forest? The same way they dealt with everything else.

Robert looked at the trunk of the prankster trees that put their roots on his path. He smiled, bowed at each one of them, then jumped. As his feet were about to touch the roots, he landed on a wall of Force. He giggled, then bowed again. The roots moved out of the way. Slowly, but they moved. Robert landed on the dirt path, barefoot. He danced, and he clapped his hands. The trees started to sway their limbs. Gently. He caught their rhythm and adjusted his dance steps.

Were these the angry plants bound to kill trespassers? Well, there was no trespasser in there. Only a visitor.

Humming some melodies that came to mind, he walked around, greeting the vegetation. The bioluminescent leaves pulsed along. He gave the flowers compliments. They returned a sweet but safe aroma. He followed the flow of the Nature essence. Entranced with revelry, he lost track of time. Almost.

That's when he sensed them. They hid behind the branches, underneath the big leaves. In the shadows where they thought human eyes wouldn't see them. Oh, how mistaken they were.

"I spot with my lefty eye..." Robert lilted as he scanned the crown of the trees. "What is that? Did I see something move? Did I hear a giggle?" His gaze paused for a little moment on a hidden creature, then moved on. He heard a giggle. "Two giggles?"

"Ugly human!" A tiny crystalline voice shouted.

"Wrong! Look again! I see no human here!" Robert said and twirled.

"The big oaf cannot look at himself."

"That's correct! I don't have a mirror..."

"Liar!"

"... in my hands! Gotcha."

They weren't speaking in English. None of them.

"Who are you, trespasser!" One of them accused.

"I'm terribly sorry. If I'm trespassing, I'll take my leave. But I'll also take my song with me."

"You already sang it. You can't take it, it's ours now!" Another declared.

"I shared it. It's ours. Our song," Robert retorted. I can sing it again if I want. You can sing it too. We could sing it together!"

"Beware the trickster, sisters!" Another one warned.

Robert had no idea how many were there out there. More than a dozen. And he could see their tiny stars, most alone, some in pairs.

"I'm no trickster. Though I can do a trick or two, I'm not here to prank you. I wish for the heartwood of the Forest Horror."

They descended into mocking laughter.

"You will die!"

"The Horror will eat you."

"Nobody who tried to defeat the horror could do so without damaging the plants around it!"

"Sister!"

"You'll tattle our secret!"

"I can assure you I'm fully capable of defeating the horror without bringing harm to any plant. So long they aren't foolish enough to touch the Horror."

Robert had no idea if he could bring the sentient plants along with him to the liminal void. Yes, that was his plan to avoid doing collateral damage to the forest. Kill the horror in the liminal void.

"Here's a deal. Make the plants avoid touching the Horror for one minute, and I'll remove it from this forest forever."

"A horror. There are many." Another said.

"I'll only take one. You may have the other."

"We want one of your eyes!" One claimed. "They are so pretty!"

Robert raised an eyebrow. "I'll give you one eye of mine, just the object, not the concept. An eye of my choosing. In exchange, you will lead me safely to a Forest Horror, and won't hold me responsible for what happens during our fight. I'll do my utmost to keep the plants safe. Do you take this deal?"

"I accept it!" A more mature voice, but still childish and tinkling, replied.

Robert grinned. "A deal was sealed!"

"Hooray!" Many shouted.

He closed his hand and used raw Life essence to grow an eye on the palm of his hand. It used his DNA as a template and became exactly like the ones in his head. He severed the connection.

"Ta-da! Here, an eye of mine! I'll gift you this one!"

Giggles erupted in the forest.

"Trickster!"

"He fooled you!"

"Should've asked for the eye in his head!"

"Come and take it," Robert challenged.

A fairy wearing a spider silk dress came out of a tree. She had tangled green hair and violet eyes. Her butterfly wings were mottled brown. The dress wasn't woven. It was like she had cut several spider webs and layered them over one another, then cut and sewed the dress. She approached, took the eye, and opened her mouth wide. Too wide, with needle-sharp teeth. Then she chomped, squirting eye fluids in all directions.

"De~licious!" She giggled.

Robert laughed. The fairies laughed.

"He's gonna get you!" One of them warned.

"Why would I get her?" Robert asked.

"He can't see me," the Spidersilk fairy said.

Robert stared at the fairy. She flew two feet to the left. Robert followed. Up. Followed. Down. Followed.

"I think he can see you."

"Most definitely."

"I told you he's a trickster!"

"How?" Spidersilk asked.

"If you want to know my secret, let me tell you. I want every fairy in this forest to harvest me a bushel of medicinal or potent magical herbs. Those who bring the most rare herbs will learn my secret first."

He saw them zip away but didn't take his eyes off Spidersilk. "I like your dress. Did you make it yourself?"

The fairy blushed. Robert remembered his reputation and said no more flattery.

In the next hour, the fairies brought a bushel of herbs. Unfortunately, it was a fairy-sized bushel, which, while big for the fairies, was still small for a human. Robert accepted the herbs and had the fairies line up in the order they thought their herb's rarity belonged. It saved him the trouble of appraising the herbs, which he had only a rudimentary idea. At least, he could tell how much Ether each contained but not the exact properties.

"Won't you bring a herb?" Robert asked Spidersilk.

She flew down, plucked a blade of grass, then flicked it in his direction.

"To the end of the line, you!" One fairy berated.

Once all the fairies were lined up, Robert said. "Use the fairy in front of you to block your sight. Once you learn my secret, move so the one behind you can see it too."

They obeyed but Robert could see some fairies peeking between the hairs of the one in front. He didn't care. Robert activated his secondary talent, appearing as a fairy wearing a formal suit.

"Oh!"

"Ah!"

"I knew it!"

The procession went on, with the fairies who looked at him flying around and taking a good look.

"His clothes are alive!" One shouted.

"Your house is alive!" Robert shouted back.

"He's got a point!"

And they all flew around him like an insect swarm. Robert let some of his fairy nature bleed under jade mind and joined them in revelry.

"Trickster!"

"Trickster!"

"I'm not a trickster!" Robert protested.

"A human that can turn into a fairy!"

"A fairy that can become a human!"

"It's how we'll call you now. Trickster!" The fairy who called him that first said.

"Fine. But that's not my name."

Some fairies giggled at his foolishness. It was obvious that these denominations weren't name-names. Just names.

"Now, take me to the forest horror." Robert told Spidersilk.

"We want your clothes!" One fairy said, and they all claimed the same.

"These clothes are mine. I can have a person I know make similar clothes for you. How about we make another deal? I'll kill the Horror now, and return with a book. The book will have drawings of clothes my friend can make. You will each tell me what style of clothes you want, and my friend will make them. But I require payment."

"What payment?"

Robert took a Prime Vestige from his ring. "Do you happen to know if there are any balls like this one scattered around the forest? Unclaimed, or perhaps in your possession? I'll trade one set of clothing for one such ball. But not now! When I come back with the book. What if there are no clothes that you like in the book? Also, the ball cannot be stolen. It must be lost or owned by you."

Most fairies struck such bargains. Robert knew that each of these symbiotes cost three-quarters of a million. That was a low-end Prime Vestige. He could very well find one that was worth enough to pay for all these fairies' Zaifyr-brand symbiotes. It was a gamble but one he felt the odds were in his favor.

After he appeased the fairies with promises to return, they led him to where he could find a Forest Horror. He returned to his human form, picked up the discarded robes, and followed.

The monster was a vaguely humanoid amalgam of dead bodies and plants. It had two stars but they shone as if filled. Wilted flowers, and dry leaves, It reeked of death and corruption. At the fairies' commands, the vegetation fled the surroundings of the horror. Once the monster sensed Robert, he rushed toward the man. Robert also rushed toward the monster, trusting his tempering and innate resistance to endure whatever nasty effects it could deliver with a touch.

The ground shook under each step. The creature was twelve feet tall. it slammed a thick fist toward Robert. He jumped and grabbed the limb, feeling the impact. Then, poof. Welcome to the liminal void. He found some Death essence entering his body and purged it with his Void spell.

Robert took a Minotaur greataxe from his ring. He jumped away and immediately hacked at the Horror, keeping the time they were separated minimal. He was pretty sure he had to get to the heartwood out while the monster was still alive. He chopped the two arms, then the legs. Robert climbed and hacked at the trunk. The dead bodies wailed in pain. Once he removed the top layer of bark and wood along with three corpses, he found the vile heart. Black, viscous, it stank of carrion. He swapped the ax for the sword and cut the heart out. Once he removed it, the monster expired.