That Time I Got Sent to Another World Where All of the Girls Are Super Hot and Super Into Me Because I Am Super Strong and Have Very Powerful Abilities that God Gave to Me Because Me and Them Were Friends When I Was in Grade School and God Is Actually A Loli Who is Also in Love with Me Because I Am A Super Epic Person Who Will Defeat The Demon Lord Who Threatens The Entire World but the Demon Lord Actually is in Love With Me and the Demon Lord is a Super Hot Busty Babe Who is Actually Just Trying to Get My Attention Because I Have a Cellphone That Can Contact the Internet and Can Get Anything Shipped To Me Within 2 Days But I Barely Need It Because I Am Actually the Most Strongest Guy Alive Because I Have Super Strong Powers Like Being Able to Lift Your Mom Really Easily Which is Nearly Impossible Because Your Mom is So Fat But is Actually A Secret Anime Busty Babe Who is Really into Me Because I Am Super Cool and Better Than Your Dad Because He is Super Lame Which I Am Not:

Punishment 2.18 - That time I was reincarnated in another world and heard Wanda's various crimes

"... Another two counts of public nuisance. One count of armed robbery. Destruction of public property, two separate counts. Assault and battery, four separate counts..."

Wanda listened attentively, a blank expression on her face. The guard, who I'd begrudgingly allowed to go change into a robe, turned out not be a guard, but something even less trustworthy: a [Lawyer]. I was one sword away from taking her out. I just needed her to give me an excuse.

"Grand Theft Broomstick..."

Wanda grinned. "Oh yeah, wan! That was fun."

"And finally, attempted bribery of arresting [Paladins]," the [Lawyer] finished.

"Thanks, Aggy," Ciel said, looking towards Wanda. I followed her gaze, looking at my adorable scamp of a [Slave] who had gotten up to various mischiefs.

Wanda herself gave a sage nod. "In my defense, wan:" She looked up at us, her eyes bright and firm with her doglike resolve.

"I really, really wanted to, wan."

T-that! I reeled back. To think that she would show such dignity, such resolve, to say something so controversial, yet so brave. I was moved to tears, which was easy, since I could cry while standing still. "She's innocent," I declared. "Case closed."

"You're not the judge," Bonbon whispered. My eyes bulged in my head. I... I had forgotten to get [Judge Basics]! What a foolish blunder. Now that I'd already declared her innocence, it was too late for me to easily remedy my mistake, for completely arbitrary and bullshit [System]-based reasons that I refuse to elaborate on here, or ever.

"I AM innocent, wan!" Wanda insisted. "I'm a [Slave], wan! It's written in the Badass Isekai LitRPG Kingdom constitution that slaveowners are to be held responsible for all damages resulting from crimes, misdemeanors, and copyright violations committed by their [Slaves]."

The lawyer sighed. "Yes, you're correct. The damages. You're still the liable party for the punishment of the crime itself."

Wan's eyes bulged. "Wha? What twisted legal system would incur punishment beyond the damages themselves, wan?! If recompense has been paid, what more punitive action needs be taken?"

"It serves as an example to prevent others from committing crime, I suppose." the [Lawyer] replied.

"What a barbaric system, wan." Wanda sniffed, crossing her arms and looking away in an adorable pout. I nodded to myself. I'd get her out of trouble. As her owner, I had to make sure her human rights weren't violated by things like 'law' or 'justice'.

"Alright," I said, stretching and pulling out my [Infinite Wallet]. "How much money do I have to give you for you to fuck off?" I asked the [Lawyer].

"Agrias is the [Public Defender], Hiro-san," Bonbon explained. "She's not the one who is charging Wanda-san with the crimes."

I sighed, turning towards Bonbon. Man, this was starting to be a major pain! "Alright, then," I sighed again, even more theatrical, complete with eye roll.

"Who do I have to kill and/or bribe to get her out of prison. Who charged her?"

Ciel stiffened a bit at my threat of violence, standing up, but not making any actual move that would result in me having to absolutely dunk on her.

"Well..." Agrias replied. "Formally, the accusations are being leveled by the Church. So... Kamiko, I guess," she chuckled to herself. "I don't know which of the Church leadership would be the exact pa-"

"Oh, is that all?" I asked, feeling a weight lift off my shoulders. "In that case, I'll just call her up." If Kamiko was the one accusing Wanda of crimes, then first off, uncool. Secondly, and more importantly, I could just have her call off the whole thing. Who knew that being friends with literal God would come with so many perks!

I dropped to my knee, holding my hand up to the back of my neck as I activated my CODEC.

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"Kamiko!" I hailed her. "We've gotta talk!"

"Hiro-kun <3" she exclaimed, her voice high-pitched and echoing with a choir of a thousand angels. "You made it to one of my Paladin Orders! Welcome, Moon-and-Star, to this place where destiny is made!"

"Yeah," I admitted. "It's a pretty nice place. And your [Paladins] are all super-hot. Good job."

"B-bweh?!" she replied wisely, making an inarticulate anime girl noise of shock and/or embarrassment. "H-Hiro-chan, you shouldn't look at [Paladins] that way! They're my divine warriors, you know! They're OFF-LIMITS Hiro-tan. You hear me? OFF-LIMITS."

I nodded to myself, acknowledging her request, but also pointedly aware of the fact that I refused to be limited by anything, be it laws, word of god, or basic mechanics of reality.

"Okay," I said anyways, "But in exchange, I need a favor."

I heard Kamiko let out a gasp and blush on the other side of the line. "A-A-A favor? M-me? U-um, well, sure! Anything you want, Hiro-kun. For- for you, I'd move heaven and earth!"

"Thanks, Kamiko! You're the best!" I gave Ciel a thumbs-up with my spare hand. She looked at me and shook her head quietly, as if she didn't understand what the gesture was supposed to mean.

"I'm a god!" she replied proudly. "Just tell me what you need, Hiro-chan."

"Your [Paladins] arrested Wanda. Please have them unarrest her."

There was a silence as Kamiko ruminated on the name. Finally, she responded. "That mongrel dog?" she replied, sounded irritated for some reason. "The one in your harem?"

"That's kind of racist," I replied, "But also correct, yes."

"Geez!" she pouted, "I thought you wanted me to do a favor for you, not one of your... your hussies!"

"..." I said nothing, thinking about how many Paladins I'd have to beat up to launch a full-size jailbreak. Kamiko was shuffling papers on the other line, either looking something up or doing some nice free ASMR over the CODEC.

"Um, well... it looks like the Church is accusing her of... golly. These are some pretty serious crimes, Hiro-san! I can't just pardon her. There's all kinds of paperwork!"

Paperwork! I clenched my fist, shaking it. Ciel's confusion at my unexplained hand gestures intensified, as did my anger. Damn you, paperwork! One day I'd find the King of Bureaucracy and personally murder him.

"So, there's really nothing you can do?" I asked. Kamiko sighed.

"As I have charity and compassion, I grieve. But I can't just go freeing people willy-nilly."

"Even if I said pretty please?"

I heard a quiet gasp from the other side of the CODEC call. Kamiko seemed to consider it, and when she finally replied, she sounded flustered.

"I-I offer you no deals!"

It looked like I might be getting somewhere. I quietly unveiled my secret weapon:

"Even if I said pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top?"

"Ngghh... Persistent, aren't you?" she growled, her voice strained with effort as if she were on a diet and trying to resist a tray of steaming garlic bread.

"C'mon, Kamiko-chan! It'd mean a lot to me!"

"Nnnnnnnngggghhh!" she dictated, making frustrated anime girl noises. "Geez! Fine, Hiro-kun! I really can't refuse you, can I? L-look, I can't just u-'unarrest her' but I- I'll see what I can do, okay?"

"Thanks, Kamiko-chan!" I said, winking and sending a star shooting from my eye, a harmless visual effect that only knocked several bricks out of the wall. "You're the best!"

"E-ehehe..." she chuckled. "O-of course! N-now, I need to get ready for my Divine Visitation. I-I'll talk about it there. You should attend, okay?"

I wasn't sure what a 'Divine Visitation' was, but if attending it would help me get Wanda out of jail without putting in actual effort of my own, I was all for it! Worst case scenario, I could just play some games on my [Brain Cell Phone] while I waited for it to finish.

I ended the CODEC call and stood up, dusting my knee off.

"Okay," I told the gathered ladies. "She'll see what she can do."

I smiled, glad to have found a solution, but it seemed that nobody else shared my satisfaction. They were looking at me like I was some kind of madman who'd just spent several minutes kneeling in silence with my hand on the back of my neck.

"Um... who will?" Bonbon asked.

"Kamiko," I replied, "who else?"

"..." There was a long pause as Bonbon and Ciel exchanged a look.

"Uh, when you say Kamiko," Agrias asked, "You don't mean, well, Kamiko, do you?"

I had to stop and consider it. I guess it was possible that maybe they were worshiping some other deity that had a similar name and design scheme to my childhood friend. When it came down it, didn't it seem kind of implausible that a Goddess went to my elementary school? What would a Goddess even be doing there in the first place? And for that matter, why on earth would she bother having a friendship with somebody like me, who was just an average guy in all ways? I wasn't important enough for that kind of thing!

Really, I was a nobody, so when you got right down to it, there was no way that a regular girl would want to be my friend, let alone a Goddess! I hesitated as an alert went up on my [Status HUD]. I'd met my quota of relatable self-loathing for the day. I let out a sigh of relief. It was time to whiplash violently back into overwhelming and completely warranted ego. I grinned a smile.

"Yeah, I'm best friends with God," I said matter-of-factly. "I know it might sound crazy, but I assure you, I'm very sane."

Agrias adjusted her glasses, arching an eyebrow at me in suspicion. Ciel, meanwhile, was burning a hole through me with her gaze (figuratively, she did not have [Evil Eye: Laser Beams]). I gulped. She was staring so intensely that it was honestly scaring me a little bit. S-she must have been really pissed off at my apparent heresy. I-I'd better clear this up. If she attacked me, I'd have an even harder time convincing them to let Wanda go after I destroyed her absolutely in one hit.

"Don't worry, she said she'll talk about it in her Divine Visitation," I reassured them.

Agrias laughed, which hurt my feelings. She didn't believe me, even after I'd told her it was true? I frowned at that, crossing my arms.

"You expect me to believe that?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied.

She rolled her eyes. "Don't make me laugh."

I stared at her in shock! Not only had she not believed me after I had explicitly told her to, but she'd even warned me not to make her laugh, after she'd already laughed! Did that mean she thought my idea was so disbelievable it was worth two laughs? I clenched my jaw, activating [Shame Invulnerability] to keep me from doing anything rash like attacking her (again).

"Fine!" I huffed, uncrossing my arms so that I could cross them again. "Just wait and see."

Agrias shrugged and sighed, lifting her hands palm-up as a little anime cloud came out of her mouth. "I suppose we will." She leaned towards Ciel.

"Pareiso-san, when is the next Divine Visitation?"

"Twelve minutes, 35 seconds," Ciel replied instantly. "I was headed over there when I heard you guys fighting." She blushed for some reason, looking away and scratching her neck.

"Y-ya gotta get there early t'get the good seats, uh, is all."

I nodded. "In that case, we'd better hurry."

I led the way out of the room, blasting through the wall and heading in the direction I felt it was most likely for a 'Divine Visitation' room to be.

Just hang in there, Wanda! I'd get this all sorted out!