:: OH F**K - OH F**K - OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F**K- OH F-----::
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"Come on, Baba, I can smell that Dhampir. Her and her cr*p ton of cinnamon perfume, I know she's close by."
"Gaguuuaraaaaa..."
Everyone was on a massive man-hunt... sorry, Undead hunt. They all had their seperate reasons, whether it be for the sake of justice (#No), obeying orders from the higher ups (#50-50), or more importantly--
"Hurry it up, Baba! We're too slow! if someone else grabs that bat-woman, they'll get the reward money before we do! I don't want that! Just think - 1,000,000 Gold PIeces and 99 Silver coins! Imagine what we could do with that moolah!"
"...Gaguuurrauuaggag..."
"I don't need food or clothing, I'm a Lich. All those basic necessity in life are useless. Oooh, I can finally get me a new Staff of Blasting +10! Then I don't have to wave around this broomstick I had been over-enchanting for the past 10 years! Oh, oh, oh, I heard a new line of Slippers of Web Climbing just came out on the market - and they're super pricey!"
"... Gaguuuuraagga...Gaaagg...Ghuuaarr.."
"Yes, yes, yes. I promise to buy you three cobs of corn for lunch. Don't interrupt me and keep running."
"...Gauuuga..."
"What do you mean this is your maximum walking speed? 10 ft per hour does not count as your fastest velocity! Now mush!"
Barreling through the undead town, was a giant head. No, it wasn't the floating kind. No matter how unrealistic this reality and fantasy world was, there were some things that need to obey the laws of physics. So it wasn't an actual floating head the size of a cargo truck, that mass alone would be impossible to stay aloft in the air.
So it was a giant hand, attached to a giant body. The total height was 5 meters, it easily cleared the maximum scale of all buildings in the ghoul town. Fortunately, the roads were wide enough, or else those buildings would have their face melted right off from so much as a shoulder brush.
Because the creature was a large Ogre........ no, he was not alive. It was dead. Yes, this narrator is aware the dead can't move. But in this Necrotic City, anything is possible.
Especially when there was this Lich sitting on his head. Oddly, the Lich was the size of a pixie......
Wait... it was a Pixie.
"Gaaah! Ever since I've been kicked out of the fairy kingdom, I've been hitting nothing but bad luck. Human lover took my money, I was swindled of my last savings from shady investments, and don't get me started on the Market Crash in the last Capital City I was in........ I hate myself. Why can't I be born a Leprauchaun and be lulcky all the time! Tch."
"Gaggauuuuuaa."
"You're right Baba. I shouldn't get angry. The more twisted my rage gets, the more likely I get wrinkles. Now that I'm a Lich, it's going to be impossible for my skin to repair itself... Aaaah. I don't have enough pocket money to buy more cosmetic masks, and the custom ones that fit my thimble-size face is too expensive!"
"Gagauuuua?"
"No. I refuse to put wierd @ss mud on my face. I'm not that desperate."
The Undead Ogre made a motion sort of like a shrug, and continued to march through the road. Anyone in its vicinity, Ghouls, Hellhounds, Vampire Riders, easily moved around it, not at all bothered by the monstrocity with guts and rotting muscles exposed to the world. It was as if this sight was a common occurrence... *double shrug*
"Gaaaah! This is bad, I'm losing focus! We have to hurry and beat the others or else they'll snag the reward money from our fingers!"
"Gauggagg...Aaayyagggggaaaa..."
"No, I don't care what the Vampires will do to the half-blood. She isn't my problem. In fact, I will consider their torture as a bonus for me. Don't you remember!? that b*tch beat me at the Miss Undead Beauty Pageant, five times in a row! Everyone knows I'm the prettiest Lich in the world! Right? RIGHT!?"
"Guaauuuaa...aaaah."
"No. I don't give a sh*t that everyone treats me as a little girl! I'm a Pixie! I'm already over 800 years old! And I'm a Lich god-d*mn it, I deserve fear and groveling. Not pats on the head! I'm not a cat that everyone wants to cuddle in front of a fireplace d*mmit!"
"Aagaaggaaa."
"Shut it, Baba! D-don't remind me! Due to my size, the other Liches make fun of me. I-I can't even get a job being a Marshal or Sheriff around here, how do you expect me to feed you corn, let alone keep my shack of a house from tipping over when it rains!?"
"Gaauugaaag..."
"... Oh you're so sweet. For my sake, you're willing to eat trash... Wait, no, don't. With all this volatile cr*p around here, I honestly don't want to be burned alive when some d*mn spark lights your gas... I-it wouldn't look good on my obituary."
The Pixie that was also a Lich put on a frown.
She was about 10 cm tall, and her body was super squishy. Originally she could be smothered or crushed to death by so much as being accidentally sat on in a movie theater. But with her newfound Lich Power, a simple attack like that wouldn't kill her. No, she would first explode as a bubble of ash, and then reform her body again.
So long as no one steps on her phylactery the size of a tooth, she's golden... but then again, whenever her Undead Ogre Familiar would roll on top of her in his sleep... she wished someone would come by and step on that tooth-size anchor of life - just to put her out of her misery.
"Ah, My mind is going into a downward spiral. I-is this a side-efect of becoming a vengeful Lich? Tch, I should have looked at the multi-classing tables more carefully!!"
"Guugaagga...Aagagaga.."
"Hmm? What is it Baba? If you haven't found that Dhampir wh*re, don't call me and let me wallow in my gloom."
"Zombo! Give me a hand over here! This box is tough!"
"I only have just the one arm Skelley, there's only so much I can do."
"...What the f**k?"
The Pixie Lich would snap out of her wallowing despair, and look around. With some help, the giant Ogre she was riding upon turn to a pair of voices that was on an intersecting road. Down the middle, they saw two peculiar Undead playing some kind of messed up game of tug-o-war.
The rope was a cardboard box... and no matter how hard they pulled, it didn't budge one centimeter, as if something inside was working hard to fight back
"ZOMBO!"
"SKELLEY!"
"ZOMBOOOOOO!"
"SKELLEEEEEEY!"
"ZOMBOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"SKELLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!"
"...Aaaaaaah - SHUT UP! You two are making too much noises! Do you not see what you're doing to that Banshee over there? She's practically fantasizing a necrotic Boy x Boy love scene in her head!"
".................."
".................."
The Ogre lowered his head. He didn't need to see, he had only one eye. Also, he was dead, so he really can't perceive anything. The only way he could move around without hitting sh*t, was based on some extra-sensory systems integrated into his skin by the power of the Pixie Lich. Essentially, a magical radar that told whatever was left of his motion-based nerve system which way to turn and what object to avoid bumping into.
Convenient... but scary as h*ll if you think about it.
The only reason why the Ogre bowed his head, was so the 10 cm Pixie Lich could see the a certain Skeletal Gunslinger and Zombie Rancher under the 'dimmed' sky light.
"Although we're rivals when it comes to chasing after the Dhampir to get the reward cash, I can't help but ask - what the f**k are you two @ssholes doing?"
".................."
"................."
"...................Hey Zombo. She your girl?"
"Nah Skelley. I may be a dead man walking, but even I don't have that kind of fetish. She's too young for me anyway."
"I AM A F**KING LICH YOU ROTTING F**KTARDS! 800 YEARS ABOVE AGE! I CAN LEGALLY DRINK BEER IF I WANT TO!"
"Hmm? Zombo, did I step on something again?"
"Yeah, that would be my small intestines Skelley. Mind getting your foot off."
This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.
"LISTEN TO THIS LICH YOU DOLT CORPSES!"
The Pixie Lich was heaving her bossom in and out.
She made the sound of those classic accordian style air pumps you use to stoke an old fireplace. Hisss-hooo-hisss-hooo-hiss-hooo. It's true she's a Lich, she need not food, water, or even air to survive. But still, old habits die hard... hence the heaving of her enraged bossoms...
"Tch. Forget them, Baba! It's just a pair of idiots wasting time like they usually do. Come, we've got real work for us! Like finding that Dhamphir and giving her a b*tch slapping of a life---"
"Gaaugguuagaagag?"
"NYAAAAAAAH!"
The Lich gave a shriek, harder than a banshee. The reason was obvious, because she felt her body drop a good 30 ft in the air without warning. You know, that experience one would get when the plane enters turbulence... yeah that bad. Despite the fact she was a magical undead, she still wanted to pee, very badly after that sudden drop.
"Gauugga? Uuuagga?
"B-Baba!? Wh-what are you doing!? F-forget the box! The Dhampir is getting away the more we dawdle---Gyaaah!!"
The Ogre was already on his knees in the sand. Even with one eye missing, it was still examining the little cardboard box that was sitting oddly across the road. It was small, compared to the Undead Ogre, but was big enough to hide something of average build.
A human, per se, but we don't know until we open it.
And the Undead Ogre Familiar was essentially trying to solve this Shroedinger's Cat Philosophy right now.
<< Undead Orge gains +800 EXP for Investigation Check. >> << CONGRATULATIONS, Undead Ogre's Intelligence Score Increased by 2! >> -----
<< __ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!!__ >>
~Smarter Every Day~
Despite it being out of character, you took the time to examine the fine details.
Medal of Honor
----- << Pixie Lich status is Shocked. Dealt -1000 Psychological Damage to her. Her mind is now Prone.>>
"... If possible, I want to vaporize whoever designed this stupid Mystical Notification System."
The Pixie Lich clenched her tiny jaw, teeth scraping harder than a nail on a chalk board. After punching close the mystical window with a fireball spell, she turned on her seat across the Undead Ogre's head and pulled at... whatever hair it had left. Like horse reigns.
"Giddy up, Baba. We don't have time to waste--GYAAAAAAAAAAA!"
The little 10 cm rider gave out that scream once more, when she felt her body fall another 30 ft. This time, it was because the Ogre was now down on all fours, curled up tightly like a panther about to spring for its prey.
And it was eyeing the little cardboard box...
... With the words [FRESH CORN] labelled on the side.
"GUUAAAAAAAAAAAAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"BAD BABA! BAAAAAAD!! NO CORN FOR YOU! NO CORN FOR YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"
The Pixie Lich gave out a yelp as her Undead Familiar jumped. All she could do was watch him grab the box, ripping it off the ground as if it pulled an entire tree with its root. With a flick he popped the little box of 'corn' into his mouth, as if a piece of popcorn.
"..........Ah."
"..........Ah."
Two voices echoed that moment. One belonged to the Pixie Lich...
... The other was this beautiful girl, who had fallen out of the flimsy box in the air. The two maidens stared at each other, one sitting on the Ogre's head like a chair and the other dropping from free fall. No words were exchanged, but somehow their feelings were mutual. Why? - Because the Lich saw a drop of tear fill the falling girl's eyes.
And she fell into the Ogre's mouth.
*GULP!*
".............O...oh my god I'm gonna be sick--UUURRG!"
The Keeper of the Undead creature turned away from this horrific sight. Despite her Lich consitution, she ended up wretching over the side of the head with great vengeance and furious anger.
*PING*
"Hmm?... Hey Zombo?"
"What Skelley?"
"Them Ogres. Are they like frogs?"
"... No. What makes you say that?"
"Why is this guy's gut bulging like it's about to pop?"
On the ground, the Skeleton Gunslinger and the Zombie Rancher turned. They both eyed the stomach of the Undead Ogre, which was oddly expanding. As mentioned, it resembled the bulge of a frog's throat... but it wasn't shrinking down. Worse, parts of the muscle fibers were ripping, and several trails of water were squirting out from tiny holes all over.
Before anyone could voice their doctor's opinion, or even search for the diagnosis on the Ethereal Net Drive--
--A Massive Flood of Holy Water exploded from inside of the Ogre's stomach.
[https://66.media.tumblr.com/572f45ad3ccb6622a0d8a75591cbb043/tumblr_pnr1czw6jv1wqnuuso1_1280.pnj]
<< You used HOLY WATER HAND GRENADE. Dealt -10,000 Radiant Damage. >> << All Undead targets within 50 ft radius make a Dexterity Saving Throw DC 30. >> << Failed Saves receive 5000 Holy Damage and are Purified. Save Success receive half damage. >> << You gained +20,000 EXP for wiping out 30 targets simultaneously >> -----
<< __ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!!__ >>
~KILIMANJARO~
You defeated 30+ Enemies with one Action. Please seek Counselling
-----
"EW-EW-EW-EW-EW-EW-EW-EW-EW--EEEEEEEWWWWW!"
Pastrache burst out from whatever was left of the Ogre's ruptured guts. She was then seen bolting through the water, quickly splashing the waves into her body. It looked like she was tryign to flee AND bath herself at the same time.
"GAAAAAAAAAh! I-I STILL SMELL IT! I-I STILL SMELL WHATEVER THE H*LL THE OGRE ATE! YESTERDAY, TODAY, THE DAY BEFORE, ALL OTHER DAYS!! GYAAAAAAAAAAGH! TH-THIS IS WORSE THAN BEING SHOT BY A DIRE SKUUUUUUUNK!"
The Half-Elf would stumbled and fell into the flowing waters, as if she was running away from the rage of a river. She would breach the surface like the hump of a Killer Whale, only to pick herself up to keep on running. Drenched from head to toe, she watched as those holy waves slapped into buildings and drown out the Undead that she would run by.
Most of them were interrupted in their city-wide search to see the commotion, maybe even lounging around on the front porches to take a break from running around. They instantly disintegrated, the second the holy water flood covered their bodies. Any unlucky vampires that were caught in it, screamed... for 0.01 seconds and then not a sound could be heard from them ever again...... sh*t.
The only one riding those waves, was just the Half-Elf. It's obvious she didn't have the 'Undead' status on her character sheet, or else she would have suffered the same fate.
"SH*T! SH*T! I-I can't believe I wasted that Holy Weapon on these mob monsters! I-it was supposed to be for the final boss fight! GAAAAH! WH-WHAT WAS I THINKING IN THAT LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIOOOOOON!?"
Before leaving the Capital City, she had connections with a certain Royal Constable, who also had connections to 59 'little sisters' who served the church. As a favor, the Half-Elf was able to obtain some powerful blessed armaments and equipment before she entered the Undead Wasteland.
Normally, a seasoned Adventurer would always save these expensive and super-powered weapons as a last resort - or whenever they reach the boss fight and spam the h*ll out of these ridiculously high-level items...
But Pastrache f**ked up, and used one Holy Water Grenade the moment she reached the Demon King's 1st of 50 floors.
...In her defence, it was either use her trump card now - or take a bath in the Undead Ogre's stomach acid. *Shudder shudder*
"Ptoo! S-since everyone's distracted, I-I have to find Nello and fast! Wi-with this mess, the undead will surely gather like moths to a--FLAAAAAAAAAAAME!"
A series of of black fire came flying at her. Luckily for her high dexterity score, she threw her back in a full 90 degree dip and let the flaming black bolts zip over her. As if she playing a game of Mambo. Hearing the whistling of cursed flame soar over her body, she straightened herself to see what was happening.
Liches. Ghouls. Mummies.
They could be seen standing on the rooftop of the desolate buildings, avoiding the Holy Water on the ground. Although the water level itself was no longer that deep, no more than ankle height for the Half-Elf, none of them were taking any chances.
They each either had crisscossing belts and bandoliers, or even rusted silver badges in the shape of an upside down star. Sheriffs and Deputies of this Undead Town, the Adventurer concluded. While the Lich Marshalls had prepared spheres of cursed black flame in their ghostly hands, the others were readying their long range crossbows.
One shot, from all angles, and Pastrache would surely be skewered alive.
"...F**k it."
Being the stupid one - she reached for another Holy Weapon.
"EAT THIS! STAFF OF SHOOTING STARS!"
Pastrache pulled out an item from her inventory space. It was the shape of a candlestick holder, with exotic engravings that could only be found in churches or cathedreals. The tip looked like it was covered in a fine piece of fabric, and there was a string on the bottom.
The second the Half-Elf yanked on the cord - a series of miniaturized sparkling comets blew open the fabric and scattered across the sky.
Essentially a big@ss Roman Candle.
"S-SAY HELLO, TO MY HOLY FRIEND!"
*PEW!* *FIUUUUU!* *POW-POW!* *BANG!* *FIUUUUUUUUUUU!*
<< You dealt -2500 Fire Radiant Damage to Lich Marshals. >> << You dealt -1500 Fire Radiant Damage to Ghouls. They have Fire Resistance. >> << You dealt -9001 Fire Radiant Damage to Mummies. They are Weak to Fire. >> << All enemies are now Prone and on Fire. You have Advantage >> << You gained 15,500 XP. Congratulations You Leveled up to Lv 19!! >> -----
<< __ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!!__ >>
~Pyromaniac~
You demolished a Party of Enemy with big @ss fireworks.
You are now Enemy Number One with Firefighters.
-----
The sky was covered in violent fireworks. The brilliant sparks either blinded the Liches or melted away the Mummies on the rooftop. Everything was soon showered in purifying pyrotechnics as well as set ablaze. A garden of holy flames.
"...HOLY SH*T THIS THING IS POTENT!"
Pastrache stared at awe of the weapon in her hand. The tip of the holy rod was burnt out, releasing a thick waft of smoke, like any big@ss roman candle would do. There was only one charge available, so holding it in her hands right now was useless. At most she could only use it as a club now.
"... Hu-hu....Huaa-huaa.. Heh-heh..."
Even so, she had this evil smile on her face.
<< You equipped Staff of Shooting Stars >> << You equipped Staff of Shooting Stars >> << You equipped Staff of Shooting Stars >> << You equipped Staff of Shooting Stars >> << You equipped Staff of Shooting Stars >> << You equipped Staff of Shooting Stars >> << ERROR! Both hands full. Unable to equip any more weapons. >> << ERROR! Both hands full. Unable to equip any more weapons. >> << ERROR! Both hands full. Unable to equip any more weapons. >> << Please stop equipping more weapons you d*mn idiot! >>
"GYAAAAA-HAA-HAAA! GET WRECKED SUCKEEEEEERS!"
Pastrache had changed.
She turned from a sweet little girl into a full blown monster. How so?
Because she held aloft six Holy Staff of Shooting Stars, each one between her fingers. From up close, she looked like a dangerous f**k with six golden sticks about to mess sh*t up. From afar, she looked like a dangerous f**k with six golden dragon claws that was GOING to mess sh*t up... Oh cr*p.
"YOU DEAD BEATS WANT TO ROCK!? - THEN LET'S PARTYYYYYYYYYYY!"
On that day...a new evil was born.
*PEW!* *PEW!* *BANG!* *POP-POP-POP!* *BTOOM!* *PANG!* *POP* *POP* *FIUUUUUUUUUUU!*
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