:: Lost contact with Nello. Stuck behind enemy lines. Mission objective: find bat woman and shoot her in @ss. Feeling useless. No clue whore arm eye. Fish egg root. (Rock too dull, not legible) ::

[https://66.media.tumblr.com/572f45ad3ccb6622a0d8a75591cbb043/tumblr_pnr1czw6jv1wqnuuso1_1280.pnj]

"D*mn it, where did that little vamp b*tch go?"

"Could be this way?"

"Fix your head on the right way before you point, skull heap!"

There was a horde of Marching Undead, searching throughout the desert city.

Be it Zombies, Skeletons, Vampires, Ghouls, Banshees, Liches, you name it. All of them were running around town, arms with bone clubs, rusted shovels, claw covered in decayed gore, flesh ripping teeth, or the occasional matchlock pistols and rifles. Each and everyone were calling out to each other. All of them trying to figure out what was the most efficient way to search for someone who was hiding in their city.

There was no need to tell them bluntly, but we all known their Intelligence Score would be deep below the negatives. So it made sense if they spend more time arguing and slapping each other, more than actually looking for them. If they remember what they are searching for, that is their version of a Godly Miracle.

"I think that bat girl went that way? Yeah, I trust my gut feeling!"

"I want to be confident in your words, Zombo, but your intestines are on the floor... that Hellhound pup right there? She nibbling on your gall bladder."

"SH*T! AMSCRAY LITTLE VERMIN! SHOO! GIT"

"Here, I'll distract it with my femur bone... Come on boy, FETCH!"

"..........Good throw Skelley! That was... Wait. Why are you lying on the ground?"

"F**K."

Among the horde was this Zombie Rancher and Skeleton Gunslinger.

It was hard to describe them in detail, because you know how they look and not everyone is a fan of horror movies. The best way to portray them, would be the fact they wore wide brim hats, leather boots, and some bandoliers belts. Sometimes those belts either have musket pellets, or their fingers, whichever was more convenient to carry.

Like the others, they were spending more time debating which direction they should go to find their prey. It was a simple 'left' or 'right' choice... It has been about three hours since they've moved from the starting point.

"You know, I think she went left. I'm sure of it. It's a Vampire Trait, they always choose left."

"You're pointing down the road behind you, Skelley! Screw your head back on!"

"Like this, Zombo?"

"Just because you can rotate your rib cage without your hips doesn't make you smarter!"

"Hey, I practiced on that trick for a long time. Give me some credit, son!"

The Zombie Rancher sighed, but he tried not to sigh too hard. His jaw muscle was on the point of breaking, so anything so much as a smile, laugh, or chuckle, the lower jaw is gonna come off. For your sake, he just frowns.

"I say we be going this way. It's shorter."

"... Which way, Zombie? Your arm is missing."

"D*MN IT! I KEEP TELLING THEM GNOLLS TO STOP USING MY LIMBS TO RAKE THEIR FIELDS! I'LL GUT THEM!"

"Why don't we flip a human head to decide? It's easier!"

"We can't. The last one we used was too tender and it exploded when it hit the ground... Dang'nabbit, why them Elf heads so squishy these days?"

"... Hey, Zombo. Why can't we just go back to the saloon and finish our drinks?"

"That d*mn Dhampir, that's what, Skelley! The entire Vampire Clan is up in arms looking for her, ranting about how she escape with their prisoner. If we don't at least try and help them, we'll be nothing but ashes for sure."

"................. Help me get my Femur back."

"It's your own d*mn fault for trying to be smart, bucko!"

The Skeleton Gunslinger was grateful for having such a thoughtful companion. Not only did the Zombie Rancher with one missing arm fight the Hellhound puppy to get his femur back, he smacked his skull in as a 'Your Welcome' - baseball bat style. Once the Undead Being put himself back together, he would stand up and brush the dust from his belt and bandolier.

"Hmm? Why can't I bend my knee like before?"

"Your femurs on backwards."

"Sh*t. I hate math."

"Honestly, I really want to sit this search party out. It's just them Vampires throwing a fit with their civil unrest and sh*t."

"I agree. I much rather sit on the porch of the saloon and have a drink... And then fight the occassional Adventurers who make it through the gate."

"Uuugh. Not me Skelley. Not me. Remember what happened the last time our city got breached by them squishies. That Sorceress summoned a Troll and knocked the head off of the Lich Sheriff... He had to dig through Cave Dragon dung to get it back."

"Aaaaaah. I may no longer have flesh, I honestly don't want my skull in such a situation."

The Zombie Rancher and Skeleton Gunslinger let out a sigh, like two salaryman who were finishing their break.

If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.

"... Let's just go catch her, strip her, hang her, and then go back to the bar."

"You have my shoulder blade, Zombo."

With a small handshake, the two Undead decided to share the same point of view and agree on one direction to travel in.................They ended up taking two different directions.

"The f**k, bonehead! Screw your head back on and follow me! This way is easier!"

"How about get your arms back from the Gardening Gnolls before you say that again, huh!?"

Once again, they stood at the starting point for another 3 hours.

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<< You passed your Stealth Check DC 16. No one has detected you yet. >> << Congratulations, you gain +800 Experience points for evading detection. >> << Your Stealth Skill has increase to Level 8. Keep Calm and Crawl On. >>

"...............Oh my god. I am surrounded by scary idiots."

Pastrache clenched her lips, her hands, and even the cheeks of her round butt. The only thing she could do was stay in her cover for as long as possible. No matter how stuffy, or how disgusting the hiding place was, she had to keep her head low or risk being spotted by the enemy.

.............Still, she thanked the Goddess of Adventure and Espionage, because she somehow acquired a neglected item that happened to be lying around the undead city. Hint, you use it to move stuff at home and at work.

"... Never in my wildest dreams would I ever imagine myself using a cardboard box to hide amonst the wandering dead... Thank you Lady Bond, I-I will burn super expensive incense in your honor...  after a 5 hour bubble bath and three days worth of sleep first!"

The Half-Elf remained as still as she possible could, else any abrupt or sudden noise could tip her off. At most, she would peek her eyes through the flap in the side of the box that was used for a convenient handle for easy lift. In her case, she was using that small flap and looked through it - like a submarine periscope.

Rotting legs, old leather boots, and some broken iron grieves that were once used by Adventurers she may or may not know... Wait, she knew them. She remember making the dent in the leg armor when a Paladin from her Guild grabbed her @ss. She could still see the print of her boot on that piece of twisted metal.

There was also a flock of headless horses, not the riders the animals themselves, and they were charging down the main roads, past her hiding spot. They all seem to be in a hurry, hollering and waving each other as they divided their forces into small hunting parties.

The Half-Elf didn't know the details, but it looked like everyone was on high alert.

"...Dhampir?... I-isn't that like, a hybrid offspring between a Vampire and a Human?... Th-they're super rare in this world. E-especially when there is a 99% chance the child would be a stillborn... For someone like that to be born alive, is like winning the lottery...But what did they do to p*ss off the entire undead city? I wonder. MEAP!"

Pastrache ducked when she saw someone run past her, biting her tongue until she bleed. When she felt the ground stop rumbling, she peered through the flap once more.

Personally, she knew it was impossible to have a proper love affair between two races - especially between the living and the dead. At most, Vampires would woo men or women. Humans would fantasize falling in love with these night walkers. Tieing the knot, exchanging vows, and having a small home to live together was still doable. With Vampire wealth, they would not need to worry about painful things like mortgages or magical hydro bills...

But to pop a half-living and half-dead child from a woman's belly... Sorry, no amount of violent and rampant love making would make it possible, let alone easy. Even if the Goddess of Holy Justice forgave their unholy union and grant them a newborn... they were a rare subbreed that any Royal Scientist or Research would 'kill' to get their hands on... no joke.

Worse case scenario, the entire kingdom's army would be knocking on their front door.

"... Huh... That means she's also a half-breed like me... No doubt she must have had a rough life... trying to prove to her peers she was as capable of Vampire or Human she could possibly be....... I... I honestly don't want to see her face when they casually shun and rebuke her like a stray dog... I... I don't want to look in a living mirror."

Pastrache said those as she patted her cheeks to keep her mind focus.

Being inside of a cardboard box was beneficial to her Stealth Checks, but it was murder when it came to the intense hot weather outside the cardboard layers. Essentially, she was curled up in a mobile oven. It wasn't hot enough to cook meat through and through, but it was enough to make her start suffocating if she didn't get proper ventilation. Wih her low Player Character Level, it's obvious she didn't have advanced spells like Bubble Helmet or Gust of Wind.

"I-I can't stay in this position too long. Eventually, the enemy will start searching through even inconspicious places. It's only a matter of time before they find me...Pant Pant... Also, I-I really don't want to pass out at a time like this... who knows what these lonely undead may do to my chaste body!"

Realizing how dangerous her position was, Pastrache started to move. She used every muscle fiber in her body to twist and slide her limbs across the sand, making as little unecessary noise as possible. All the while pushing the Cardboard Box along with her.

At most, she would skamper like a desert lizard only when she could hear the beating of headless horse hooves in the distance, to mask her noises. Sometimes, she matched the foot steps of a Zombie or Lich in order to get from one corner of the building after another.

To make her stealth more authentic, the cardboard would play dead on the road when a posse of undead were to run near its position. Whenever the coast was clear, it would shuffle away like a cockroach.

"............................. Why do I feel like a bug? I don't like this feeling one bit [TxT]."

<< Stealth Check 18 versus DC 16. Pass. You remain undetected. >> << Stealth Check 17 versus DC 16. Pass. You remain undetected. >> << Stealth Check Nat-20 versus DC 16. Pass. You remain undetected AND found some coins. >> << Stealth Check 16 versus DC 16. Pass. You remain undetected. >> << Stealth Check 1 versus DC 16. Pa--CRIT FAIL!! Stealth is Broken. BON CHANCE >>

"Hmm? A cardboard box?"

"MMMFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!! [OxO]"

Pastrache slapped her mouth shut with both hands, right before her lungs burst with a squeal. Like a silencer to a pistol, it dampened her scream to the point of being mistaken as a frog burping. By her animal instinct, she froze on the spot under her cardboard box, hoping the stillness would save her in the last minute.

She could only chance peeking through the periscope of a hand flap in the side of the box.

The legs of a skeleton... for some reason, one of their femur was put on backwards.

"......................................................Fuumooffuu..."

Pastrache wasn't that kind of girl - but she really wanted to pee so badly.

<< Accessing Cardboard Box Dashboard Camera.................. COMPLETE... Sh*t. >> [https://25.media.tumblr.com/8bbf4113de3980eb7809f9fd63bda5e1/tumblr_mp43m1S7oj1spbtxxo1_500.gif]