“Reach into the light,

and feel love’s gravity.

That pulls you to my side,

where you should always be.”

"Lady, Lady, Lady" ~ Joe Esposito

Just like light brought the ability for our eyes to see, love did the same thing for our minds to feel. I loved Anya too much to be quiet and I believed in love too much to just let her walk away. I wasn’t sure if it was the moment of truth, but I knew a moment of truth had definitely arrived. If I didn’t fight for her then I couldn’t have loved her, but even worse of all, if she failed to listen to all the words my heart had to say, then she couldn’t have possibly loved me. I had to challenge her to believe in love, but if she chose to walk I felt she would choose a life with a man who cheated on her that willed her to be just as horrible as he was. Would she really choose a life with a man that essentially left her to fashion a scarlet letter? I loved her, and was with her for nine months, not nine days as I believed this gave me the right to fight for her. If I didn’t love her, her indecision would give me a welcomed escape hatch to slide down, but not even for a second in the past nine months did I ever truly feel a desire to run or walk, even during a hard time such as this. If her disgraceful marriage never led her into my arms, I’d push her to stay, but through our love I knew what was at stake for my soulmate as I didn’t want her to burn at it. I felt I could peer into her future, and not just the present day as I didn’t want her to end up like my mother; alone in a darkened room fighting a battle only she knew about for the sake of people who had no idea what she went through. Unfortunately for Anya at this moment, her soulmate and best friend knew everything she went through and refused to lie down and allow her martyrdom to continue. Other than Anya herself, I was the only one who knew her daily struggle and sadness simply not only due to all she shared with me but also because I knew my own. The time came to force my hand and no longer continue to feed her with it. After an hour of silence, Anya sent me a text in response as I tried to concentrate on a work load that began to pile up unforgivingly.

3:10 p.m.

“Saturday was beautiful. If I could describe heaven it was Saturday morning. You made me feel like Saturday should have never happened. I think it’s best to not be in contact for a while.”

Anya knew from the very beginning of our relationship I wasn’t in her life for one beautiful Saturday morning but for many of them. She was right though, if she could leave my apartment after the beauty of Saturday morning, a meeting she planned, and still not know, then it should have never happened. I didn’t agree to be in a relationship with her just to fall in love with her. Why would I have wanted to fall so deeply in love only for the sake of falling so deeply in love? So I could just get hurt again? She promised to be with me if I “swept her off her feet” as I had texts stored on my phone from her to prove I did that. I didn’t just want a single beautiful morning. I wanted the whole thing or nothing at all, and my frustration came because I made that perfectly clear in the beginning of our relationship. For some reason, I felt she conveniently forgot her response when I asked her at Luke’s what she needed from me at the beginning of our relationship to secure a promise from her. If anything, I needed to know what changed without my knowledge because the kids were in her life long before she made me a promise to leave if she fell in love with me. If I knew her kids would suffer if she did, did she think I would’ve ever allowed her to fall in love with me? Her indecision led me to feel her feelings had weakened for me enough to renege on her promise, as it provided me with the most logical reason for her inability to know. The more this possibility began to make sense, the more I felt the urgency to bring it to her attention. When I got off of work, I asked if I could call her and thankfully she obliged.

“Hey.” she said sadly as silence filled the air between us for the first time as I tried to gather my thoughts and all I wanted to say.

“Anya, I need to ask you a very important question.” I said. “I need the truth.”

“What is it?”

“Are you truly in love with me?”

“My God, how could you even ask me that? Are you kidding me? After everything?” she announced with an inflected tone. “After all we’ve shared? Are you serious?”

“Please forgive me, but I just don’t understand how you can walk away from me so easily.” I said. “I could never be so quick to pull the trigger because of all these feelings I have for you. It just seems like you don’t want to be with me because you can walk away so easily even after everything and all we’ve shared. I’m sorry but that just doesn’t feel like love to me at all.”

“Well, you’re wrong! I love you to death!” she exclaimed further. “How could you even question me after Saturday morning? Do you think I want to walk? You’re leaving me no choice.”

“Do you remember just before you left on your trip to Spain you started to write a Pros and Cons List?”

“I remember.”

“I’m curious. What ever happened to that list?” I asked as I continued my suicide mission. “Do you also remember I was worried about it but you told me all you needed was one pro; my love? Well, you know you have that…so what happened? Did I do something wrong? If you truly wanted to be with me don’t you think, especially after Saturday morning and after all we’ve shared, you would know? If what you told me about the list was true you should know by now based simply on that list alone because you put that list together six months ago. If you feel Saturday morning should’ve never happened, because I don’t understand how you could still not know, should the entire last nine months not have happened too if you feel that way? Just tell me you’re not in love with me and then I’ll let you walk away without another word. At least I’ll know the truth.”

“No! You are so wrong! I love you with all my being! I do want to be with you, more than ever, but the pressure you’re putting on me. I don’t know what else to say to you or do because I just can’t take the pressure you’re giving me. I can’t keep this up.”

“Anya, you asked me to fight for you, and I’ve done nothing but fight for you every single minute for the last nine months. Why are you fighting me if you truly want to be with me? Does love know pressure of any kind? If you were to “pressure” me, I could easily give you a promise to be with you, and not ever threaten to walk away from you. That’s the only reason why I’ve questioned your love for me. What other single man would do what I’ve done for you? What single man would ever remain loyal to you even when you’re not fully loyal to him?” I said. “Nothing bounds me to you but love so it’s easy to be loyal. Not that I’m the greatest gift on earth but I feel I’m giving you something money could never buy. I just can’t believe you’d bring me this close from so far away for nothing; to just walk away anytime you feel pressure. Where’s the pressure when you want to be with someone you love with all your being? You’re right. Saturday should have never happened if you couldn’t leave that morning without at least knowing. I would never put anyone I loved in a position you’ve put me in with so many tremendous feelings for you. Now I can sit here and take it, and make it easier for you to live a lie, but I won’t do that because I love you, and if you can’t see how this is a man who loves you dearly fighting for you to realize what we’ve found in each other then don’t you think that’s proof you aren’t truly in love with me? I’m trying to make you see the last nine months is not an everyday thing and maybe not even a once in a lifetime thing either. If I didn’t love you so much, I wouldn’t care enough to make you see what you’re throwing away.”

“I’m sorry.” she began to sob. “Please understand. I beg you. I really do love you.”

“Is your only solution to this dilemma to stay with a man you no longer love? A man you no longer trust? How does that make any sense after the last nine months? How does that make any sense when I’m the second man in your life and not the first? Why aren’t you listening to yourself? What have I done wrong?”

“How come you’re mad at me now and not before?” she asked.

“I’m not mad at you babe. I’m hurt and disappointed but not mad.” I said. “Do you think my feelings haven’t grown for you after such a beautiful morning together? Did you expect my love to remain constant for you? To never grow stronger since we first met or after you came to my apartment to say goodbye? I feel more for you now than I ever did, and I’ll admit I’m afraid to lose you because over the last month I now know what it feels like to lose you. I’m equally afraid though to see you choose to live a life of stress, unhappiness, sorrow and desperation instead of a truthful one. Saturday morning meant a lot to me because I almost lost you, and you’re simply my entire world. After all we shared that morning it’s been harder than ever to wake up and to live without you in my arms. Sweetheart, I don’t have kids of my own to fall back on; to help take me away from my longing for you. You have that. All I have is an empty apartment that makes me feel lonelier than I’ve ever felt before. Sometimes the silence is so deafening, it not only threatens to break my heart, but it also tries to break my spirit. I need to know if what you feel for me is real so I can fight that cacophony of silence when you’re not with me because when you threaten to walk away or to suspend all contact, I don’t feel it’s real at all. Look, I’m sorry I can’t be as noble as I hoped to be about this, but I’m not going to lie to you and pretend I don’t need your love because I do. I need your love and more than ever I need to know if it’s real. I feel if you truly love me, you’ll try to see where I’m coming from. Did you not expect me to be overwhelmed by emotions after all we shared on Saturday morning after a month apart? I didn’t need a month away to know I love you or even clarity, but I’m afraid it looks like you do.”

“I’m overwhelmed with emotions too, but I have to be strong for my kids, Landyn. It’s why it doesn’t come out the same way as you. You’re asking me for a timeframe and I’m being honest too. I don’t know.”

Anya had a way of narrowing my passionate emotions into a single digestible feeling. When she explained her dilemma as having to be strong for her kids, I began to see things through her eyes, and that was all I wanted to accomplish because that’s what love did, no matter how badly I missed and needed her.

“I totally understand.” I said as I became reflective and repositioned myself to her side of the fence. “This is where I become imperfect. This is where I fail you, and I’m sorry I’ve let my emotions overwhelm me enough to overlook what you need to do. My goal isn’t to make life difficult for you over there and I hope you know that. I’m really trying to be noble but I’m so in love with you, and it’s hard because this is all I’ve ever wanted in my life. Not to be a millionaire but to be in love with one person forever, who makes me love life. I don’t mean to make life difficult on you in front of your children, and I’m sorry for that. This is an onslaught of emotions I’ve had no experience with until I met you so I’m easily consumed by it. I’m just trying to deal with all of them and they hit me out of nowhere from different directions when I least expect them to. I guess I felt if you admitted you weren’t truly in love with me then I could deal with them better because I’m used to being unloved in life.”

“You can think what you want, babe. There’s nothing I can do, but you’re wrong. I do love you. I’ve never loved a man more than I love you, and I do want to be with you.” she said. “Do you want to talk some more or have you had enough? Words can’t describe the sorrow.”

“I think I’ve taken you away from your kids enough for today with my issues. I’m really sorry about that. That wasn’t my intention.” I said. “I’m also very sorry I questioned your love. I’m just so vulnerable and defenseless from all these emotions. And a lack of sleep isn’t helping my thought process. Anyway, I’ll let you go. I have to get back to the office.”

“K. Enough said. Take care babe. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“So…what do u want to do?” she asked me just before she ended the call.

I then paused for a brief moment, and then spoke without any consideration of the irony in my response.

“I don’t know.”

“I’m not going anywhere soon. You never know what later. If you just want to see what happens later I’d be ecstatic. In the meantime, if contact is too hard, I’ll stop.”

Anya had a way to hit my soft spot, one I naturally had for her because I loved her so much. It broke my heart more to disappoint her than to have her break my heart by not knowing. I’ve felt her pain, but I wasn’t there to see her struggle so sometimes it took her sharing it with me to help my understanding. My communication with her was not about hurting or breaking her down by proving I was right, but it was the exact opposite as I hoped she would prove me wrong each and every time. This conversation was an honest attempt to see her side of things just as much as I sought for her to see mine, and I left our discussion with the sense her indecision was not about knowing if she would leave him but about not knowing if she could give me a timeframe. Her words, her voice, and the time she gave me regardless of her resolution to walk away helped ease my suffering, and I ended our conversation with the belief that once again I overreacted as I felt bad to question her love for me after she struggled with her emotions in front of her children. The last thing I wanted was for them to worry about their mother. The same person I worried about too.

“It seems like now every time we see each other it gets harder to get through the days.” she said. “It’s like one step forward, two steps back.”

“I think that sums it up perfectly.” I said. “Babe, I’m really sorry for hurting you.”

“I’m sorry for hurting you too.”

“I think sometimes I hurt myself.” I said. “If you don’t mind, I want to stay in contact. Are you okay with that?”

“Just over text and the phone?”

“You tell me what you want. It’s apparent I can’t handle the missing right now.” I said. “I need to get a handle on these emotions and find a way not to pressure you again like I just did.”

“Okay. I can’t take another day like today. Please don’t pressure me or question my love for you. I want to stay in contact with you too, but maybe cool it a little.”

“Okay.”

After our exchange, like I did after virtually every disagreement we ever had, I put the onus on myself as I felt I let her down once again. Her response after our beautiful morning together caught me off guard and I miscalculated the calculus equation that was our relationship, but the first thing I did regardless of my lack of sleep was find the strength to send Anya a heartfelt apology via text when I got home from work that day.

ME: “I didn’t get any sleep last night so I’m going to turn in early. I’ll need your perfume tonight for sure. I just wanted to say from the bottom of my heart how sorry I am for pressuring you. It was wrong and I didn’t do the right thing. I support you 100% in what you decide to do b/c I truly do love you. I just want you to be happy and it’s just so hard when I know I can make you very happy. There will be no more pressure coming from me anymore. This I promise you. I love you. You’re my best friend. I support you. Goodnight Beautiful.”

After I sent her this text and twenty minutes passed me by without a response, I caved in to the reality she had made up her mind about me. It really was too much on her to deal with my personal issues of longing as I felt trapped now between my greatest dream and my worst nightmare. A nightmare I didn’t expect her love to lead me to. As I sat in my bed and quietly contemplated the direction of our relationship, I reasoned the only way I would be able to get her to leave Jackson was to apply pressure without applying pressure, and as the irony of my plan beset my good nature, it also occurred to me I had to implement a “little less of everything” strategy with her. If she truly loved me and I responded a “little less” quickly to her texts, and show I cared a “little less” more than I did, and communicated a “little less” than normal, this would precipitate my application of pressure without applying any as it would allow me to see how much I meant to her if I had any doubts. For the last nine months I was always available and there for her. Always afraid to let her down, and to see her sad as I never wanted her to feel unloved for even a second, but I felt I needed to put some doubt in her mind because as it now stood, what reason did I give her to leave her marriage when I gave her so much of myself already? I had to assume by making myself so available to her, she already had all she wanted. If I kept my infinite availability up, she would never leave because she essentially would have no incentive to. If she didn’t know by now, maybe I was the one responsible for that more than she was? Why buy this cow when she could yank any udder at any time and get all the milk she wanted? It was painfully and undoubtedly obvious I had to initiate this strategy because the original strategy only got her to the point of indecision between us, something a woman cheated on many times I thought would have appreciated in me, but the truth was it only allowed her to keep sitting on the fence. I decided it was best to cut off most contact after today as it was time to “man up” a little as I was sick of all the pain I felt, that led to my struggle. If she truly wanted to be with me, she’ll come to me, if not then she simply didn’t and I had my answer and greatest fear all at once.

I then started to think about the fallout from my new strategy and if I would be strong enough to stomach it. Chances are she would stop texting me goodnight, stop sending me uninitiated “I love you forever” and “I miss you” texts and stop sharing her day with me. When I considered how her love in this form would disappear from my life, I knew it would devastate me beyond repair, but I was a champion for the truth and I’d be living a lie like she did if I was swallowed whole by the fear of losing her. All I could do was hope some of the things I said on the phone resonated inside of her so I wouldn’t have to lose the only thing that brought meaning into my life; that she could take what I said and understand somewhat where I was coming from. If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t have cared or been hurt at all. The friend she was planning her daughter’s Bat Mitzvah with was leaving her husband because he didn’t notice her anymore; that there’s no spark left in her heart for him yet Anya had done several things her friend never did like fall in love with another man and even consummate that love with him. I hoped she would take that into consideration and apply it to her own situation because I think she would understand better why I was so distraught by her indecision. Anya’s hesitancy made more sense to me if there was still a spark in her heart for Jackson, and if anything, I needed to find out if that was true because I couldn’t rationalize for the life of me how she still didn’t know when her friend was leaving for a lot less and did know. As these thoughts swirled around in my head, I received some unexpected peace of mind.

10:31 p.m.

“Thank you. Goodnight. I love you.”

I then reminded myself after I read her text that she just didn’t know about a timeframe and she took my words as meaning she had to leave right now, and not just a promise to leave one day. I guess I wanted so badly to bank on the security a promise would have given me because I felt it would certainly relieve the pressure, something I was certain she wanted too. It scared me to think I could be caught in the middle of her marriage and be left hung out to dry one day, and it terrified me even more to believe even though I trusted she was too good of a person to do that to me, what if she did? Most of the women in my life, if not all of the ones I ever cared for, had done that to me in some way as her indecisiveness felt insanely similar. Saturday morning was such a huge step forward for us, for her to tell me “I just don’t know” killed me in any context. Our phone conversation was good though in the sense I got everything off my chest and even though it left me emotionally exhausted, I felt progress was made as I learned the only way I could pressure her to know was to go on with my life, and be a “little less” available. Perhaps, if she thought I was enjoying life without her then I believed there was a better chance she would want to join my life too. I simply had to perform the most senseless, illogical act of being in love; to care by not caring, with the hope it would spring her into leaving her marriage if she had any plans to.

The next day started off on the right track as she extended an olive branch after our emotional conversation.

8:05 a.m.

“Good morning. I hope ur ok. I don’t like having tension between us. Don’t be afraid to text me anytime you want. Ur still my best friend and I’m here. I love you.”

When I noticed an exclamation point went missing in action after her “good morning”, I began to feel responsible for her sadness. Her “I don’t like having tension between us” statement brought me back to when Sara would give me the silent treatment after our disagreements and our lack of communication during that time hastened the end of our relationship. It also brought attention to how Anya and I were so much alike as we both didn’t want to go to bed with bad thoughts on our minds. I felt our open communication about every issue we had, good or bad, really legitimized how we felt we were meant for one another as it only provided more rational proof there was something very special in what we had.

ME: “Good morning. How r u? I’m here for you too babe. You’re my best friend and I love you too. I don’t like any tension between us either.”

ANYA: “I’m ok. Just know I live and breathe you. You are close to my heart at all times. I will miss you every second. I love you so much. I love you forever.”

After I read her last text, I knew I had let her down as our “cool down” period seemed unwanted. I even started to backtrack on my “little less of everything” initiative simply because I cared for her too much, and her sadness was my fault. Everything was going so right in her life emotionally until our communication breakdown yesterday and now I felt guilty about all I felt and said, whether it was true or not. The following day held true to our sadness as I barely heard from her as my “little less of everything” plan was implemented out of default. When I didn’t hear from her, I figured she feared every text she sent might give me a reason to pressure her even though I promised her I would not pressure her again, but later that evening, much later than normal, our unusual silent day began to affect her.

11:15 p.m.

“R u not talking to me?”

After I read her text, and only because it came so unusually late, I immediately called her.

“Hi.” she spoke softly as she quickly answered.

“Sweetheart, I’m still talking to you.” I said. “You told me we should cool it down a little and I’m just trying to respect what you told me. Trust me, this isn’t an easy thing for me to do.”

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“I’m good.” I fibbed. “Is there something on your mind you want to talk about?”

“I’m sorry, but I still don’t know.” she whimpered.

“I understand.” I said. “I don’t expect you to know a timeframe this very minute.”

“You know, I’ve had my kids for 13 years and have been with you for only eight months.” she stated coldly.

“I understand but even though it probably won’t make much of a difference, I would like to think they’ve been a pretty significant eight months.” I said as I fought to bite my tongue. “Won’t I always be behind them in years though? I understand what you’re trying to say, but at the same time, I don’t; if that makes any sense at all.”

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

“You will never understand then.” she scolded me.

I understood Anya communicated this to me to explain why it was so hard for her to make a decision no matter how much she loved me as she tried to offer a bridge for me to cross over. Unfortunately, I didn’t see the bridge at the time she told me this. All I saw was another barrier she constructed as I felt she would have considered fifteen months instead of eight.

“You’re probably right.” I said. “but the only reason why I will never understand is because you keep ignoring yourself. I think you have to try and remember…and I don’t think I’m special here, but I never approached you at Paseos the night we met, you came up to me. I’m just stating a fact here. Not to mention, Lance was also in your life for a time before me too. You told me he left you because you had kids so I’m wondering now if he got the age comparison as well. Is this why he left you? Because he couldn’t compete against time? If he truly loved you though, he would have challenged you to think differently about that like I’m trying to do and if my words are only going in one ear and out the other, I think you have to ask yourself some really tough questions, and I may have to face some really tough facts about the strength of your love for me. I think you really need to listen to yourself, and remember how we began and how much love there is between us after all we’ve shared. To consider all you’ve allowed into your life because of the man who you chose to marry and have those great kids with. That’s what I struggle to understand. I’m the second guy here, not the first, babe. Our relationship isn’t a mistake you’re making, it’s a decision. The only mistake you’re really making is not being honest with yourself and those around you. I have to fight for you to see that because our relationship I feel is an enormous act of courage on your part, and in my humble opinion, to be afraid of anything at this point is a huge contradiction. I’m sorry, but the only reason I am giving you some tough love here is only because I love you and I want to see you in a better place. I want you to live a truthful life. Maybe not today, or tomorrow or even six months from now, but soon. You don’t have to give me a time frame. That’s not what I was asking for, but I also don’t want to hear every excuse in the book not to leave because it makes me feel like you don’t want to be with me.”

My words left her in a state of silence as they seemed to render her a mute, but I was certain she took them to heart as one of the hardest things in life for people who lived a false one to do was to face the truth. I hated to tell her all I did, but it needed to be said as all I did was state the facts; she approached me, I did not approach her. I felt at times she treated me as if I was a luxury and not a necessity; that the love I gave and felt was just fun and games for her and they should be for me as well. I existed in her life in a huge way now as I heeded her advice not to take things lightly and attempted to get her to recognize she allowed and even encouraged our love even after I walked away. This was a deeply emotional and physical relationship. So much so if people knew the truth they would likely believe I was her husband and not Jackson, and I desperately wanted that reality even with all that came with it, but it seemed Anya aimed to either to just keep what we had or threaten to walk away.

“All I can say is you’re wrong.” she said. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“This isn’t about being right, babe.” I said. “But I would never bring someone this close to me, in our situation, without being prepared to be with that person. I wouldn’t go this far with someone if I had any plans to stay. I’d be lying to my wife, my kids, and more than anyone, I’d be lying to myself. My relationship would only represent an act of retaliation and repairing an ego if I stayed at this point.”

“This is not retaliation!” she snapped. “You don’t understand! I love you! I want to be with you!”

“You’re right. I don’t understand.” I stated. “Because here’s a woman who just told me she has known her kids for thirteen years and me for only eight months so that’s why she doesn’t know, yet this is the same woman who knows and even promised me after only eight months she would have her ashes strewn out at our beach when she dies. How could you promise me that and not know if you can make a promise to be with me? You even told me you fantasized about having a baby with me and would marry me one day. If you know that much, wouldn’t you at least know our love is real enough and special enough to leave a blatantly unfaithful husband too? I cannot understand why now you are making this me versus your kids after almost nine months together and after fifteen months of knowing each other. I can’t believe it was ever me versus the kids to begin with because I know you wouldn’t have started a relationship with me if that was the case. I know how much you love them and the depth of our relationship alone tells me a lot about how much the man you married has hurt you. Why would you pit them against me? Against us? Against a love so true you’re willing to put your ashes upon a beach where we proved our love to be true? If you truly want to be with me, I believe you’ll find a way to make it work, just like you did on Saturday morning, and if you don’t want to find a way to make it work, then you won’t. It’s that simple.”

“I want to be with you.” she said as she began to get choked up. “You’re the man I love. It’s that simple. It’s not you versus the kids. I’m not pitting them against you.”

“Sweetheart, please don’t cry. I’m only telling you how I feel because I want to be wrong.” I said in an attempt to reconcile our emotions. “Babe, all I’m saying is please, please, please look at the positives in being together too, and not all the negatives. If all you’re going to do is get fixated on all the things that can go wrong instead of all the things that could go right, then we don’t stand a chance. I’m begging you not to do that to us. Not after all we’ve shared.”

“Katie just walked in and I think she just heard your voice. I have to go. Good night.”

“Okay. Goodnight.” I said as I quickly ended the call.

It crushed me to hear her cry on the phone as I didn’t want to fight with her but only for her. I truly wanted to see the way she saw things, but the time variance of the years in between she knew her kids and our love caught me completely by surprise. This time variance would always exist between the kids and us so it left me to believe her feelings weakened for me after our Saturday morning, and didn’t strengthen like she led me to believe they did. If she was going to look at all the ways this couldn’t work out, even after all our beautiful moments together, then how could they have really meant a single thing to her?

I had to also accept a simple fact of my own struggle; if Denise leaving devastated me, Anya’s exit would undoubtedly destroy me. If she listened to herself though and remembered the sum of the only time that mattered in the equation of our love; The time she approached me at Sonoma’s. The time she asked me to fight for her. The time she moved an empty bench next to her in Spain as if I was with her. The time she came over to sing “Toda Una Vida” to me. The time she arranged for us to be together for a weekend in Laguna Beach. The time we made love on “our beach”. The time she invited me to her daughter’s recital even with her husband in attendance. The time spent on a beautiful Saturday morning together she arranged. If she added all these moments of time the way I did, she would see the math simply equated to a need to be honest with herself. All I did was present the universe to her, an entity that never recognized time or its comparisons, as I hoped she realized all we truly stood for.

Anya text me the next morning, a Saturday, as it marked one week since our beautiful morning together.

9:42 a.m.

“Good morning. Did u sleep ok?”

ME: “Good morning. Not at all. Did u?”

ANYA: “Not really. I think maybe we’ve reached that point. It’s too hard to keep going like this. I need to make a decision and I can’t. It’s almost surreal. I’m going through the motions of everyday life but my mind is elsewhere. Just don’t know what to do now. Did you want to call me?”

ME: “Sure.”

After our short textchange we were back on the phone together to try and sort out the mess we both made as we talked positively for over two hours. I first apologized to her for my harsh stance and for making her cry as I tried to explain I was trying to fight for her and not with her. I then apologized if Katie had heard my voice and Anya informed me her daughter did come in to ask her who she was talking to. I promised her to be more mindful of the right time and place to have these type of serious, deep, and emotional conversations with her as she understood why what she told me caught me off guard. It wasn’t my intention to affect her around the kids, but this love was an emotion I never experienced before, a very serious one. Anya was my life raft, as I felt at times like this, losing her was the difference between life and death for me. I again asked her to try and focus on all the positives instead of all the negatives as she agreed to be more cognizant of all the positives in being together, and even apologized to me for being negative. We then talked about the grieving process we both went through after each time our physical meetings ended and how difficult it was to escape the fog to get through the rest of the day and the days subsequent to our meetings that followed.

After our positive two-hour phone conversation, as we spent more time on the phone over the last three days than in the last nine months, good vibes from her ruled the day via the texts she sent me.

12:17 p.m.

“Hey Cutie!!! Thanks for calling me! I had fun talking to you! I miss you, I love you. I’m having a Chunky Strawberry!”

1:43 p.m.

“Do you eat ice cream? Too cold? Do u know I like to eat ice cream in bed? Haagen-Dazs! Chocolate of course! I like to eat a big bowl when it’s cold out in my flannels and fuzzy socks! Scared yet?”

3:26 p.m.

“9 months babe...”

5:00 p.m.

“I know! We talked for 2 hours! Remember the grieving process? Too funny! I loved talking to you too. We r sooo one! I miss all of u. I love u forever.”

5:33 p.m.

“I think we should talk on the phone more often! What do you think?”

Her text messages were important for me to note as they only provided more concrete evidence of her true feelings for me. Evidence she took my words to heart, and was listening to herself. It proved she knew as well as I did, love wasn’t about walking away and giving up no matter how vulnerable we both were after our Saturday morning at my place. She even pointed out we’ve officially reached the nine-month point of our relationship on this day as it was the thirtieth of the month; the last day of the toughest month for us so far. Her desire to share with me something new I didn’t know about her left me to fantasize about us in bed sharing a bowl of chocolate ice cream one day as I saw a conscious effort to bring me closer to her. And when she shared her desire to talk on the phone more often, she reminded me just why I loved her so much and why I fought for her as much as I did as she showed me understanding without telling me she understood how I felt. Her messages announced to me that even though we still had an issue to overcome, if we could survive this, our relationship was far from over.

Later that evening she took Katie out to dinner with her friends, but the entire day kept me smiling throughout as we reconnected after a very hard week. As painful as the conversations were, it only further proved how strong our bond was, how important it was not to skirt around issues that greatly affected us, and to intimately know the power of open communication. I got everything I felt off my chest, and she did too as I felt it gave us a better understanding of where we were in our relationship. It made me realize I had to practice more patience with her as I felt more than ever a promise would eventually come my way if I did. I jumped the gun after our beautiful morning together as it filled me with more anticipation than usual so I was more sensitive to any negative feelings from her. I had to remember I always believed anyone who cheated on someone did not love that person because if they truly did, they would never dream of hurting someone nor ever jeopardize losing who they loved. When I thought about that, and all Anya had done in spite of her husband over the last nine months, I realized after Saturday morning, if I couldn’t obtain a promise from her, I at least could rest assured more than ever she didn’t love Jackson at all. As long as I could keep myself in check, and not get discouraged; to stick to the game plan of applying pressure by not applying pressure, and to utilize my “a little less of everything” approach, I thought we would make it as I truly believed she would eventually do the right thing; to choose a life of truth over deceit and end her marriage.

The next day brought with it more of the same from her as she kept in constant contact with me throughout the day which only proved my point that by not knowing she was only refusing to listen to herself. With each text she sent, not only did I receive the consistency I craved from her, but also a message that was loud and clear; I mattered to her, and she needed what she found in me and what we’ve found in each other. On this particular day she shared with me that Katie slept in until eleven thirty that morning as through her daughter’s new sleep habits, it hit her she was now the mother of a teen. When I asked her if she was able to find the perfect dress for her daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, she exclaimed she didn’t find the perfect dress but she did find the perfect shoes! She ordered eight dresses online and would try them all on to better decide which one to wear to the event then return the rest of them. For the rest of the day she worked on Bat Mitzvah things again with her girlfriend and later that evening, when I asked about her Labor Day plans for the following day, she informed me of a barbecue she planned to go to which required her to make a salad because it was “her ticket in”. She then text me later that evening unexpectedly.

9:35 p.m.

“I miss u like crazy and love u like crazy. Can you find out if Madonna’s book “I Am Because We Are” is a kids book or a memoir?”

ME: “This might surprise you but I feel the same way! I just googled it. It’s actually neither. It was a documentary written and produced by Madonna about orphans with AIDS in Malawi. What a beautiful title though.”

ANYA: “Oh! Thanks for looking that up so quickly, babe! By the way, I thought of another title for our book. “You’re The Reason Why…”

ME: “Since you’re coming up with all these great titles, maybe if I hold out long enough you’ll write the book for me too!”

ANYA: “Ha! I’ll leave that to you! Which sounds better? “You’re My Reason Why” or “You’re The Reason Why?” U know I’m just playing with titles.”

ME: “That’s a tough one. They both sound like they convey the same feeling, but I think “my” reason why might be better for a memoir. I feel both of them speak about how I feel about you though.”

ANYA: “I feel the same way about you from the other side. If I said I was dating a man to the relatively “normal” public they would look at me like I’m crazy.”

ME: “That’s only because the relatively “normal” public is ignorant to our truth otherwise I think it would make all the sense in the world to them.”

ANYA: “Yes I know, babe. They don’t know my reasons why. Goodnight my love. I love you forever.”

Anya knew how to calm the storm within and when she threw out titles for our story, I felt love without her telling me “I love you” as she realized the rarity of what we had. She just had that way about her, like the sound of a crashing wave upon the shore, her words and voice were always soothing and tempering to me as her show of love made my pain recede from the shore that was my mind whenever she opened up to me this way. As badly as I wanted her to promise she would leave, I had to give her credit for not giving me a false promise out of obligation or fear as I always aimed for her to feel safety in the timing of her decision, even though at times I failed. Did I get frustrated with her at times? Of course I did, but I think it was a natural reaction when you loved someone so much who you couldn’t hold, kiss or touch when you wanted to. She was a gift I had been given and was dying to unwrap so I could embrace it the way I’ve always dreamt of. I knew the gift was there and it had my name on it, but I still had to wait before I could even open it. As I struggled with her indecision, it made me come to realize why extramarital trysts were better suited as affairs than relationships because there were now expectations that left me overwhelmed emotionally and consumed mentally. My heart was now embroiled in her situation as my life slowly morphed into one of desperation as I struggled to find a balance between my love and work life. When the sun rose on Labor Day morning, my strategy of applying pressure by not applying pressure would be put to the test sooner than I expected.

7:49 a.m.

“Good morning! Happy Labor Day! Enjoy ur day! I love you forever!”

This text was the only one I would receive from her on Labor Day, and even as I felt I understood her position better, I still struggled when I didn’t hear from her for the entire day. I tried desperately to not let it affect me, but it left me paralyzed; literally unable to move out of bed as I succumbed to the imagination of her surrounded by friends and family at a barbecue versus the reality of me surrounded by four walls bound to my bed past noon, afflicted by her love. For truly the first time ever, especially after our Saturday morning together, I felt more like a disease to her than the man she loved as I tried to just sleep off the negative thoughts on parade in my head. Her Labor Day disappearance though did present me with an opportunity to employ my new strategy of applying pressure without applying pressure. If I showed her lack of communication didn’t bother me, I might have a better chance to receive the expectations I had now, and when she sent me a text later that evening, just three hours after I decided to finally get out of bed, it gave me the chance to put my plan into action.

8:53 p.m.

“Goodnight babe! Hope you had a nice Labor Day!”

When I read her text, it stung me not only because it was so closed ended, but it also felt she sent it out of courtesy and not love as it carried an obligatory feel after her missing in action status the entire day. I then began to reason if she knew me at all, and how sensitive I was now to any inconsistency she showed, she also sent it to escape the pressure like a quarterback in the pocket. As dismayed by it I was, I promised not to pressure her, as I now aimed to give her the impression her perceived day of fun without me on her mind did not affect me at all.

ME: “I had a great day! I hope u did too! Goodnight!”

After our conversations over the last few days, how could she suddenly disappear on someone who never did on her? To not find a way to text “I miss you” one time during the day, like she usually did, but instead send a closed ended text at the end of the day out of obligation? I felt her goodnight text out of courtesy was the most discourteous and heartless one she had ever sent me. It even felt as if it carried the mystique of a politician, and an act of politic, a necessary evil I didn’t care much for, was the last thing I thought Anya’s love for me would ever resemble. After I sent my text, I prepared to sleep off the hollow feelings her silence throughout the day left me with, until she responded.

9:14 p.m.

“Had a great day thanks. Exhausted! Going to turn in early. I love you!”

When Anya failed to add an exclamation point to her “had a great day thanks”, I knew she was hurt I seemed to have a great day without her, and of course I immediately felt bad as I hated to make any kind of chess move on her feelings. The day though was an incredibly hard one for me as I wasted an entire day off unable to get out of bed. Her boisterous silence just amounted to a great deal of frustration on my end as it left me to think only negatively about our future. The “I love you!” at the end appeared to be a feeler to see how I would respond so I decided not to and instead left something more to her imagination about my day and how it made me feel. I believed she should have known by now how much her silence would affect me especially after how I reacted during the week that even had me question her love. I had to understand she had grown accustomed to my longing so this time around I let her wonder if I did for once as times of silence like Labor Day led me to wonder if she really wanted to be with me at all.

The next morning, she texted me earlier than she had the past week as she tried to illicit an emotional response from me to get us back on solid ground.

8:08 a.m.

“Good morning! I miss “our beach”. I missed you all day yesterday. Did u stay up late writing? Where r u today?”

I knew an unreturned “I love you” from me might shake her up a little as she loaded her line with a delectable bait and tossed it in my dark waters to discover if I stayed up late enough to see it then respond in kind. Even though she told me to not take “this lightly” I thought her words went both ways, and to go an entire day without any communication, a channel we both tapped into throughout every day, it felt like she took my feelings for her lightly. Did she believe I should have entered into our relationship with a mindset to just enjoy sex with her and with no real chance of ever being together regardless how many times she told me “I love you” during the act itself? I solely went into this with all of my heart and the promise she made me to be together if she fell in love with me as I felt I’ve been nothing but patient and kind, just like love was supposed to do; to give her ample time to figure it out. For a woman who missed me all day yesterday, I reasonably expected a couple more texts than just the three texts she sent me on Labor Day, a day we both had off, if she really wanted to be with me.

After I told the absolute truth that I missed her all day as well, and went to bed early, my bad feelings about Labor Day began to melt away as she made a very ambitious and sweet effort to make it up to me. In her texts she sent me throughout the day I could tell she realized her Labor Day absence wasn’t right as she desperately tried to show me how much she missed me and wanted to be with me. I trusted her heartfelt effort even more so because it marked the last day of summer for her kids as they were back in school the next morning, and she could have easily disappeared on this day as well. As challenging as the summer was for both of us, even with all the frustration and misunderstandings, it gave us both an opportunity to grow as a couple, to not only better understand what we expected but also what we both deserved from one another. With her kids back in school, I felt the fall would provide us with a chance to get back in touch with our feelings of safety and the reasons why we found each other.

As the day rapidly progressed, the texts she sent me rivaled any she had sent before, and I genuinely felt her love through each of them as they no longer felt like a courtesy but rather like an apology without having to say “I’m sorry”. Most surprisingly, she even remembered the significance of the second day of the month.

9:50 a.m.

“I love you babe. I’ve known you for 15 months!”

ME: “The fastest 15 months of my life!”

ANYA: “No kidding right! It’s been fun!”

ME: “It’s been everything.”

ANYA: “It has baby. I love you.”

I responded with an “I love you” to her this time around, and even though I felt bad about not returning her “I love you” the previous night, mine were always heartfelt, never sent as an obligation nor sent to get a response to see where I stood. Also on this particular day, I had an appointment in downtown Los Angeles at the offices of a client to review some work papers with my audit team. Even as I conducted a fraud interview with our client’s Controller, I couldn’t fully concentrate nor control my thoughts as they naturally drifted away to Anya when I felt my phone vibrate inside my pocket. When I finally finished my set of questions, I anxiously excused myself to read her text.

4:33 p.m.

“Hi handsome!”

ME: “Hi Beautiful! Did you get the dresses you ordered?”

ANYA: “Ur so sweet to ask! Well I got a confirmation they were shipped today. My perfect shoes were shipped too! Wish I could model them for you. R u home now?”

ME: “Happy for you! I have about an hour left here, but I’ll be stuck in traffic for sure.”

As the clock mercifully signaled the end of my day and while I was left on a roadway surrounded by motionless painted metal and rubber tires, I heard my phone rattle inside my car’s cup holder.

7:29 p.m.

“I love you baby.”

Her sweet text actually made the traffic jam tolerable for me as the Anya I fell in love with made an unexpected cameo appearance; the one I so recently fought for who needed me as badly as I needed her. All throughout the day, one that marked our fifteen months of love and friendship, she made me feel keenly aware of my importance in her life, a sense of safety I desperately needed from her. When she told me she wished she could model her dresses and shoes for me, it meant a lot, as she once again told me “I love you.” without saying it. If given the choice, I would have easily forfeited ten years from my life for just a moment like that as I was certain Jackson could have cared less about something I not only cared about but meant the world to me; her happiness.

ME: “I love you too. I’m at a complete dead stop right now. The traffic is horrendous.”

ANYA: “I know what you mean. When I used to work at Harbor City (Research) I had to drive to Westwood (UCLA) once a week and I remember the traffic.”

ME: “Did you go through the nursing program at Harbor City? I think they have one of the best nursing programs in the whole country. Very highly regarded.”

ANYA: “No, trained at UCI. How do u know about the program at Harbor City?”

ME: “A friend I used to work with was going through it. Did you ever intern?”

ANYA: “I did my nursing internship at UCI & Hoag. Worked at Harbor in research after I left Hoag UCI.”

ME: “Very cool babe! Well, it finally looks like traffic is starting to move a little now. Would you believe the accident was on the other side of the freeway yet it’s my side that’s backed up? Oh well, I hope no one was badly hurt. Anyway, I better go! Goodnight! I love you!”

ANYA: “Love you too! Good night!”

I quickly put the phone away in my car’s center console as the painted metal and rubber tires around me began to move. I could honestly say it was the first time I ever enjoyed my time spent in traffic as I learned more about Anya’s nursing career, one I hoped she was still open to pursue as it gave me hope she had plans for a future together.

The following day, the third day of September, was the first day back to school for her kids. It was undoubtedly a big day for her son, Andrew, who started his first day of middle school, an event Anya told me he was really excited about. Even though it was a new school for him, he had his big sister there in her final year to acclimate him to his new surroundings and to help integrate him in, and although she could be too cool to do so, like most older brothers and sisters could be, Katie had a good relationship with her little brother and was too mature to leave him there to figure things out on his own. One of the things I really admired about her kids was how well they got along with each other. Anya told me they never fought and several times shared with me how much Andrew held his sister in reverence so I had no doubt his day would be easier on him because of their bond. I never heard from Anya the entire day and even though it naturally affected me because I missed her, it was something I expected. When I didn’t hear from her until well after three that afternoon, and even though I found it a little odd, I still didn’t feel anything close to how I felt on Labor Day as I easily understood this school change was new to her as well.

3:18 p.m.

“Hi! Hope ur having a good day!”

Her short and concise text pacified my missing as I thought it was nice of her to let me know she had me in her thoughts regardless of what had to be a frantic day for her.

ME: “Hi! How r u? I hope you’re having a good day too!”

After I sent my text, well over an hour elapsed before she responded.

4:50 p.m.

“I am! Busy. I’m sure u r too.”

Today was a busy day for me as well as I was more focused on my work with the expectation I wouldn’t hear from her much, but just minutes after I arrived home from the office my phone began to vibrate then slither along my kitchen countertop.

5:52 p.m.

“Where r u?”

ME: “I’m at home now. Where r u?”

ANYA: “I’m waiting for Katie to get out of dance. I have 10 min. Call me.”

As soon as I received her message, I called.

“Hi.” she said, sounding reluctant when she answered.

“How’s it going?” I asked not knowing what to expect.

“My husband confronted me this morning.” she informed me. “He wants to talk about what I’m going through.”

“Okay.” I responded. “What did you tell him?”

I didn’t know how to handle this sudden dramatic turn of events, but I knew one thing was certain without a doubt--the way she responded would swiftly determine if she truly wanted to be with me.