“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”

~ Maya Angelou

As I awaited her response, all I could think about was how torn I became after all my criticism of Anya for being torn. I knew I wanted to be with her, this desire never in question, however the timing was imperative. She would come into a less than ideal situation for her and the kids if she left him at this time, and as badly as I wanted her to be with me, my frustration only existed because I wanted a promise, one I felt I deserved from her; a promise we both deserved. If Jackson were to find out Landyn Lastman was the culprit at this time, and as much as I believed Clyde and the firm had my back, they would undoubtedly lose its largest client and potential business from others. This sober reality, a truth I could not escape from if Jackson found out, would fall solely upon my shoulders as my promotion hung in the balance, and if I lost my chance to be a partner at a very successful CPA firm, I’d also lose Anya as it would then become a decision to leave him I would never allow her to make. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone, especially her kids as I couldn’t take care of them the way I hoped to. In the same breath, I also believed things sometimes had a funny way of working out in life, but all I could really hope for at our most critical hour was that she didn’t deny her feelings for me.

“I told him okay.” she responded. “He wants to talk after Katie’s Bat Mitzvah.”

“What do you think made him want to talk to you all of a sudden?” I asked.

“He told me I haven’t been the same for almost a year. That I haven’t been there physically, emotionally or mentally.” she said. “I think he may have concrete evidence of our relationship.”

“But this has been going on for nine months. I mean, why now? Why hang this over your head just before Katie’s Bat Mitzvah?” I wondered aloud. “How could he go an entire nine months without you being there physically, emotionally and mentally if his marriage truly meant anything to him? I don’t get it.”

“I know.” she said.

I was dismayed at Jackson for confronting her so close to Katie’s Bat Mitzvah. If he waited nine whole months before he was brave enough to confront her, why not wait another ten or so days until after the Bat Mitzvah to spring it on her? Emotional abuse was his game though, the weapon of choice for all narcissists, as again, Anya was so conditioned to his abusive behavior, she couldn’t recognize his method anymore. If there were no kids involved, I would have immediately drove to her house and taken her right from under his nose. Whenever I thought of his abusive habits toward the woman I loved more than life, I never considered my own. Jackson could confront me about anything and I would challenge him head on as I knew no fear when it came to showing my love for Anya. My money was where my mouth and my heart were. I also knew if there were no kids involved, no confrontation would be necessary because she would have been out his door and at the foot of mine after this confrontation. Still, I wondered now more than ever if her love for me would stand up once and for all as if I ever doubted she loved me, this moment right here would determine if she truly did.

“Do the girls know?” I asked with some reluctance.

“They do.”

“What did you tell them?”

“I told them “I love Landyn.” And I’d be ok.” she said. “They couldn’t believe how calm I was.”

A smile broke upon my face like a sunrise over a dark horizon as her answer nearly left me in tears, and it was good to know I was wrong to ever question her love for me. Not only was it the response I wanted to hear from her but exactly what I needed to hear from her at the most critical time of our relationship.

“I really believe we would be.” I said. “I would never steer you in the wrong direction, babe.”

“I know we would. I know you wouldn’t. I trust you. I love you.”

“I love you too.” I said.

Anya had created a crisis situation in her life, a self-fulfilling prophecy for her, and as much as this was likely the end game, it was also a desired result crafted by the universe. I just felt so proud of her; that her response was consistent with all she ever told me about her feelings as she finally paid attention to herself. Although the dark lonely nights at times filled me with doubt, I knew her well enough to know she preferred a truthful life over one of deceit, and even if she and I were to never be, and as much as it would break my heart if she ended up with someone else, in time I’d be proud of her because she chose the truth. I truly cared about her happiness and the importance for her to pursue a truthful life that much as I felt my duty on this earth was to help Anya at least live in the light of the truth if we were never meant to be together.

I wondered how Jackson would handle his threat to her, and that’s exactly what this was; a threat to destroy her happiness. She wasn’t in love with him. She didn’t want to be with him. I guess it wasn’t clear enough for him as the reason why she hasn’t been there, and why would she after all he’s put her through? Did she have that obligation all because he carried the title of husband even though he never acted like one? I guess as long as he wore his ring and took care of his kids, it was good enough for the title. The truth was he would never ask her for a divorce, he would instead force her to play the bad guy. He wanted the kids to believe it was mommy, not daddy, who broke the family up, and not the gross disrespectful actions he took to make that happen. With a reckless abandon, he psychotically yearned to play the role of “victim” when the victim was truly Anya, as he could care less about her happiness and more about the retention of his image and his wealth. As much as he wanted to paint the picture of the wonderful father who fought to keep his family together, and he certainly was a decent father because he had the money to be one, I knew better because it came at the expense of the one he promised to honor and cherish forever yet failed miserably to do so. The saddest thing was, most people would choose to see the former more than anything else, and instead paint me as the monster who tried to wreck a family instead of saving a life who deserved to be saved.

9:04 p.m.

“It was nice to hear your voice. Thanks for calling me. Goodnight love. I miss u, I love u.”

We talked on the phone for twenty minutes as they were probably the most informative and substantial twenty minutes spent in my life with anyone, and when the next day came, I began to realize the moment of truth was now closer than ever. I then morphed into a guilty being when I questioned her love for me just days prior. To hear him tell her he wanted to talk to her about what “she was going through” told me she couldn’t hide her emotions from him as she even tried desperately to avoid him but at the same time, it only gave herself away. It was the part of her I loved the most; not the physical beauty she beheld in my eyes, but the honesty when she recognized she couldn’t hide behind her smile. I didn’t believe Jackson knew I was his wife’s lover. I would have heard something from someone at the firm or sense a difference in their demeanor around me as everything just seemed too normal to get a sense he knew “Landman” was the culprit. It didn’t mean he lacked concrete evidence such as a text from either Anya or even myself, but I felt safe he had no idea it was me. At the same time though, if Anya were to leave him upon his revelation after Katie’s Bat Mitzvah, he would soon learn the identity of Anya’s heart and the truth behind her disappearance as this realization led me to hasten my search for new clients to cover the firm’s client crater if Jackson were to take his business elsewhere.

That afternoon, on my lunch break, against all I ever tried to do, I felt it was important to initiate texts with Anya to increase her safety level, and I did just that as I returned the love she normally gave to me.

ME: “Just thinking of you. I love you.”

I then held my breath while I awaited a response, and I was in no danger of turning blue as only five seconds passed before I heard back from her.

ANYA: “Was thinking of you too! I love you baby. I miss our closeness.”

ME: “I miss our closeness too. We’re one person now. Did you get your dresses yet? If you did, have you picked one out yet? How about those perfect shoes?”

ANYA: “We are one. I wish I could see u. I miss you terribly. Yes, I got my dresses! I think I picked the one I want to wear too! It’s simple but who needs fancy when you have perfect shoes!”

ME: “I wish I could see u too. You make a simple dress look fancy simply because you’re so beautiful. There is nothing you can wear and not look anything but exquisite in.”

ANYA: “Thank you. You’re always so complimentary. I love you Landyn.”

ME: “Well, it’s easy to be so complimentary when it’s so true. I don’t think there’s anything special about me because I’m just stating the facts here. I love you forever.”

ANYA: “You are special! Never met anyone like you! I love it! Ok! I better go! I love you forever!”

Whenever I had exchanges with Anya such as these, it always gave me the drive to focus harder at work as I sensed a future together closer than ever before. As the day rolled on, so did my thoughts of her as we found ourselves on the same frequency.

4:18 p.m.

“I love you.”

As I read her uninitiated random out of the blue text, I never felt so alive as I realized at such an integral moment I needed Anya to do these exact things, and she delivered in breathtaking fashion as she showed me the very essence of love; a sensation we all innately lived for and even died for. I then stopped time in its tracks within my mind so I could just sit back and recognize I just reached the zenith of my emotional existence.

Later that evening, I went to visit my mother who was home alone and hunkered down in her pink recliner as she watched another one of her favorite movies “You’ve Got Mail”. When I noticed what was on her twenty five inch tube screen, something the neighbors probably knew as well since the volume had to be at its maximum level, I could only state the obvious.

“I think I know why you love this movie so much.” I stated.

“Oh yeah? Why?” she asked as she extended a white ceramic bowl to me. “Want some popcorn?”

“No thanks.” I said. “Well, two reasons. The common denominator.”

“Okay. I don’t know what a common dedominator is but what are they? I’m waiting.”

“Tom Hanks…and Meg Ryan” I said. “Dedominator? Where’d you get “dedominator” from? It’s “denominator” and I even said it less than two seconds before you repeated it.”

“Huh? I don’t know what you’re talking about but I love them!” she said. “Did you know they’re both in “Sleepless in Seattle?”

“Are they really?” I deadpanned.

“Yes!” she lively exclaimed. “They both are!”

“What a coinky dink!” I joked. “Mom, I may be crazy but…I think I would know that by now. Don’t ya think?”

“Well, I don’t know. You don’t pay attention sometimes.”

“I’d have to possess the single worst case of ADD in modern medical history if that’s the case.”

“Look at how cute they are together? It’s hard to believe they’re acting. They have good chemistry between them.” she said as she pointed at her television screen. “Do you think you and Anya have good chemistry?”

“Ha!” I shot genuinely surprised by her question. “I wouldn’t be in her life if it was anything less than extraordinary, Mom.”

“I figured. I’m your mother. I know how picky you are.”

“I wouldn’t have been in her life a day if I didn’t believe we had something really special considering the circumstances.”

“How is she?”

“She’s good.” I said. “We’ve been kind of going through some growing pains together but I think we’re stronger now than ever before.”

“I hope you haven’t been giving her too much grief.”

“I have been. More than I should.”

“Oh Landy, you have to stop.”

“I know. I’m working on it.” I said. “Her husband confronted her the other day. He wants to talk to her about what she’s “going through” after their daughter’s Bat Mitzvah.”

“Did he really? When’s that?”

“Ten days from now.”

“Are you worried? What do you think she will do?”

“At first I thought she would withdraw and try to end our relationship, but she’s shown me more love than ever before. She even calmly told her friends she would be okay because she would be with me.” I said. “I’m actually more hopeful about us being together than ever before.”

“Do you think you guys would make it if she left?” she asked. “What about her children? You know how I think about them.”

“I have no doubts we would. We’re meant to be together, and I think she intends for us to be together, one day. I just didn’t know it could happen this soon.” I said. “I worry about her children too, but I worry about Anya and her unhappiness just as much. If her mental well-being isn’t intact I don’t know how the mental well-being of her kids could be as well. It all depends on her husband. If he makes Anya’s life hell on earth, the kids would suffer more than anyone, but he’s selfish enough to do that if his ego is compromised.”

“I’d love to meet her one day. I’ve always wanted a daughter in law.” she said. “I just worry about her kids.”

“So does she, Mom.” I said. “More than anyone. It’s why I love her so much. I couldn’t have loved her if she didn’t worry about them too. That’s why I want her to hold off until after my promotion in June, then I know they’ll be okay because I can take care of all of them. She even doesn’t have to work if she doesn’t want to.”

“Have you told her about your promotion?”

“I can’t because of the non-disclosure agreement I signed.” I said. “It’s too risky; her husband is our biggest client.”

“Why did you tell me if you’re bound by a non-disclosure agreement?”

“Well, you created me for one so that makes you sort of exempt.” I said. “But mostly because you never leave the house so you have no contact with the outside world.”

“I guess you got a point.”

Before my mother could ask me another question, I suddenly felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, and I hardy waited a second before I removed it for view as I anticipated one of the best days of my life would continue.

6:03 p.m.

“How was ur day? At your mom’s?”

ME: “It was great thanks to all your sweet texts! I am! How was ur day, babe? I miss you.”

ANYA: “Oops. Sorry. Enjoy ur visit! I miss you too!”

ME: “No babe! Its ok! My mom is watching a movie anyway! How was your day? What r u up to? R u home?”

ANYA: “Oh ok. My day was busy but manageable. No. Driving the kids back and forth from tutor, soccer, dance, blah! blah! blah! Andrew made a plus club through AYSO. First game is this Saturday. On my way home to start dinner and then homework. How is your mom? Is she using her hand now?”

After I read Anya’s text, I looked over at my mom who now had her gauzed hand deep in the bowl of buttered popcorn.

ME: “Oh yeah. She is definitely able to use her hand. She’s doing good, babe. Thank you for asking.”

ANYA: “She’s your mom, very special. I respect her b/c she raised an amazing person. I have a soft spot for her. I miss you.”

ME: “Thank you, but if I’m amazing it’s only because you bring the amazing out of me. There hasn’t been a second that goes by since the last time I saw you when I haven’t missed you.”

ANYA: “I miss you every second too baby. We are, we are…goodnight. I love you.”

ME: “Yes we are. Without question. Goodnight. I love you too.”

As I stuffed my phone away and a huge smile broke justice upon my face, my mother shot me a glance as she turned her attention away from her “You’ve Got Mail” fix.

“Popcorn, honey?” she asked as she extended the half full bowl to me.

“Okay.” I said as I grabbed a handful of popcorn. “You got me. I’ll stay and finish watching this movie with you.”

“I knew you’d come around.”

“Hey. It’s Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. What’s there not to love?”

“That’s right! My favorites!” she exclaimed as she turned her attention back to a movie that brought her as much joy as she had in life. “The common dedominator!”

The next day fell on a Friday, and I got the best night of sleep I had in months as I felt closer to Anya than ever before. My strategy of a “little less of everything” was now out the window as I put the contingency plan of “catching the one who fell for me” in place. With every heartfelt text she sent me, like rain from a heavy cloud, the more I felt the need to be there for her to make sure she felt safe with all the love she showered me with.

1:41 p.m.

“I miss you so much. Lovesick I am.”

ME: “It must be contagious. I’m missing you more than I usually do and that’s saying a lot. I’m having a harder time than usual today for some reason. The universe must know something I don’t.”

ANYA: “Me too! It’s so hard sometimes. I miss ur kiss and ur touch. Somedays are harder. Today is hard. Idk why but it is.”

ME: “Do you think it’s because the kids are in school and you have more time alone? I know how I get sometimes when I’m alone which might explain my behavior sometimes.”

ANYA: “Oh I see. Idk maybe just hormones plus I miss you like crazy.”

ME: “I miss you like crazy too.”

ANYA: “I resent the fact I can’t be with you. I look for someone to blame and it makes me sad to know I’m to blame.”

Her last text was one of those that hung in midair for me, and as much as I wanted desperately for her to listen to herself, I also knew she had it harder than I did at times because she was also in a fight against big things, like other people, kids, a business and false perceptions. Things that simply weighed heavier than these four silent walls at my apartment did. As much as I pushed her to listen to herself. As much as I implored her to do the right thing and leave her marriage behind, at the same time, this text told me she also needed me to comfort her, and not just bombard her with the obvious on how she could end her struggle.

ME: “Don’t be so hard on yourself, babe. It’s not easy what you’re going through. Don’t blame yourself because no one in your position would have it easy. You’re pulled in so many directions and you have to be careful about this. It’s important for you to be thoughtful, not impulsive, and I’m not going anywhere so don’t be hard on yourself. I’m on your side here, and even though you may not think so at times, I do understand for the most part what you’re up against.”

ANYA: “When u think about it, it really is my fault we’re not together though. Big chicken.”

ME: “Hey. You text that, not me!”

ANYA: “It’s the truth babe.”

ME: “You’re being smart about this. You’re not running away but figuring out a way to face it, and that takes time to build the courage to do. Our love has a much better chance of working out if you took some time than if you were to just run. As much as it pains me, and you know how much it does, I think it’s a good thing because I want you to come into a good situation, not a less than ideal one, but I must admit I really miss getting lost in you. I think that’s why today has been so difficult. My eyes are lost without you in them.”

ANYA: “That’s a beautiful thought. Maybe I can sneak away for a bit late Sunday morning? Let me know if that works.”

ME: “Ok…let me see if that works. Ok, I looked into it. It works! I have a lot to share with you. Thoughts I want to talk with you about in person.”

ANYA: “Ha! Ok! I’ll try my best!”

Even though the tone of her texts suggested she wanted to see me, I never expected it, but it seemed I would as my weekend now had a chance of being a good one. Later that evening, Anya had plans to go out with her friends for a mutual friend’s birthday celebration. As her night wound down, a night which I definitely didn’t expect to hear from her, she sent me a text that made me anticipate Sunday even more than I already did.

11:12 p.m.

“Tomorrow will be two weeks since the Best Morning ever! Goodnight! I love you!”

In life, most mornings just come and go, and are usually dreaded when they arrive to beckon us from the night, but there was this one morning two weeks prior I’d never forget for as long as I lived, and for her to hold it in such reverence at such a crucial time in our relationship, it allowed me to enjoy another needed good night of REM sleep. When another morning made its appearance, a part of the day I now loved more than the night, she gave me more of a reason to fall in love with it.

7:49 a.m.

“Good morning handsome!”

Just like when I used the word “beautiful” to describe her, this adjective hung in mid-air for me, but I guess we were all beautiful and handsome to someone in life who truly made us feel that way. Her son had a big soccer game in Newport Beach on this particular Saturday yet she still found time to confirm our meeting plans for ten thirty the following morning. I had a lot of things I wanted to tell her, things I needed to communicate in person so she could feel a greater sense of safety as the “talk” with her husband about what she was “going through” weighed heavily on my mind. It’s nice to read things from a text, but I felt safer when we spoke face to face. Even though I didn’t hear much from her on Saturday, I was too elated about getting a chance to see her on Sunday to let it get me down.

When she arrived at my gate that Sunday morning, on time as always, the sun shone brilliantly upon her tan skin as it glistened upon her pristine dark hair and dazzled within her soft dark eyes. After I took her in with every sense I had, I told her she looked “beautiful as always” as she adorned a yellow top, the first time I ever noticed a woman adorned in such a color that made a huge fashion statement. The combination of Anya’s sense of fashion, her scent, vibrant soft skin, healthy dark hair and uniquely sweet voice rendered me in a state of desperate desire to have her in my arms. Thankfully, she felt the same way about me as we found ourselves on my bed once again, in each other’s arms right upon our entry into my apartment. We then fed each other sensually as our pent up emotions met our affection head on. As much as I wanted to make love to her, even as I felt more than I dreamt I could ever feel for one person, I suddenly feared all the emotions and the pressure that may follow if I did.

“What’s wrong?” she asked. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine babe.” I said as I kissed her lips to reassure her. “I’m always fine when I’m with you.”

“Why’d you stop?”

“I have to respect your time, babe.”

“Thank you.” she said as she understood. “I only have an hour, and it would be quick.”

“I don’t think that’s fair to you. To share something so special then you have to run. It makes it seem like that’s all I wanted from you.” I said. “I’m just happy you’re here.”

“Have you started writing the book yet?”

“Not yet. I write in my journal every night to build on ideas for the book though.” I said. “I missed you last night.”

“I missed you last night too.” she said as she seemed to get lost in my eyes. “I don’t think I’m happy about the whole situation.”

Every visit seemed to bring a surprise from Anya, as I didn’t know how to interpret her unhappiness about the “whole situation”, but when she told me this, I knew I had to address it to erase any misunderstanding on my end. When I couldn’t think of the words to present to her though, she offered me a follow-up question.

“Are you feeling the same?”

“I don’t know. Can you specify?” I asked. “I don’t want to misinterpret anything.”

“Same stuff.” she said. “I’m not happy I have to be here for the sake of the kids and I’m not happy about shaking them up if I go with you. Just not happy about the whole thing.”

“Oh. I see. I understand.”

My past now charged its way to the front door in an effort to crash my heart’s party as the positive vibes I felt earlier began to erode. I couldn’t blame her at all for not wanting to shake up her kids, but it suddenly appeared she would be less than okay if she ended up with Landyn after Jackson’s impending dialogue with her. Without a doubt, if Anya chose to do what I felt was the right thing, not only would it shake her kids up, but nothing would be more unfair to them; two unsuspecting innocent souls who didn’t deserve to be shaken up at all. I also believed Anya knew a shake-up would not endear me to Katie and Andrew as I tried to think positively of her revelation and from her point of view. At the same time though, I fought to strike a balance within as after nine months into a deep relationship it astonished me this was now a concern after being allowed to feel so much and being asked to fight for her. All I could do was rally for our love and remain respectful of her concern as I hoped my emotions and my past wouldn’t get the best of me.

“I don’t feel it was right for him to hang this talk right over your head days before Katie’s Bat Mitzvah.” I said as I fought the urge to reveal I actually knew her husband. “I mean, you’re handling all the preparation for the event and it’s stressful enough. If he’s already waited nine months to finally care, I feel he should’ve just waited until after. To at least show you some respect for all the work you’ve put into it if he’s truly concerned about what you’re going through. You know the truth is…our relationship really isn’t about me, or even us; this is about you, and a basic need in life to feel safe. You’re just not happy at all, Sweetheart.”

The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

“No, I’m not.” she said as her eyes began to water.

“I have to point this out to you even though it makes me feel a little insecure.”

“What is it?” she asked with concern in her tone.

“You’ve had a major star, Michael Buble, bring you up on stage and sing to you in front of thousands of people, and he didn’t just sing one song then whisk you off stage. Instead he kept you up there, looked into your eyes and sang his entire set list to you. He basically told everyone in the crowd that night you were worthy enough to impress and try to win over. That’s how beautiful you are and how captivating you can be though, and it doesn’t surprise me he felt that way about you.”

“What are you trying to say?” she asked.

“I’m just a regular guy, Anya. I can’t sing or dance to save my life. I will never be famous and adored by people. I’m nothing special nor spectacular to this world. I’m not someone you would hurry to tell the world about yet I’m the man in your life, not Michael Buble. I’m the one you risked everything to take a chance with.” I said as her eyes never wavered from mine. “That tells me everything I need to know about your unhappiness, and the one thing I’ve learned about you over the last fifteen months that is absolutely true without question is the tremendous amount of love you have for your kids. I know you would’ve never dreamt of risking their happiness if you believed your current situation was the best for them to be in. No one. Absolutely no one, in your situation and with all you’ve dealt with for years should ever be made to feel guilty about pursuing happiness. You’ve done nothing but prove how essential it is to have in your life.”

“Thank you, but babe…” she said as her eyes still met mine as they seemed to fall deeper in them. “You’re not just a regular guy to me.”

“If that’s true and you truly feel that way about me, then maybe, just maybe, this “shake-up” won’t be as bad as you fear it could be. Or maybe your kids are stronger and more understanding than you think.” I said as I kissed her softly. “or heaven forbid, maybe it just might be the best thing for everyone.”

I did have a lot to tell her before she arrived but when she detailed her unhappiness with the whole situation, it took me off track as I shared nothing I planned to say. As our time together ended, and as I blew out the last candle in my room, I began to fear the natural progression of grief that now awaited me every time she left my apartment but thankfully this high was on a time release as I received a text from her just ten minutes after she left me.

12:08 p.m.

“I had a great time! Thank you for keeping it light. I admit I was nervous. I love you.”

ME: “I had a great time too! Thank you for making time to come see me. It was the best 60 minutes of the week. I know you have a lot on your mind, and I never mean to put more stress on you than you already have. You know where my heart stands. Being in bed with you helped keep things light. I love you too.”

ANYA: “The bed always helps! I miss you baby!”

ME: “I miss you too! Did you stop off somewhere before you went home?”

ANYA: “I’m having lunch with Carolyn and Debbie at the mall before I head home. We’re going to shop for a little bit too. We’re at a sushi bar right now having lunch. It called Tamori, and they have great food! Idk if you like Tofu (Soy) but they have a great tofu and tomato dish here.”

ME: “I’ll have to try that sometime. Ok, well have fun with the girls! Please tell them I said hello!”

ANYA: “I will babe! Love you!”

I now felt a lot less lonely to know she was so close by and I thought about going to the mall just to surprise her but decided against it in case she needed to talk freely and privately with the girls. As my grief began its natural frolic through the poisonous poppy fields of my mind, she texted me again a little over two hours later.

2:22 p.m.

“Hi babe! We’re still here. We’re heading to Bloomingdales then I’m going home. Wish we could sleep together.”

ME: “I hope you’re enjoying shopping with the girls! I wish we could sleep together too. The greatest feeling I’ve ever known is when you fall asleep in my arms. I love you.”

ANYA: “I love sleeping in your arms. So natural. I love you! Have a great evening! I miss you!

After I responded in kind to her last text, and put my phone away, I got caught in an undertow of sorrow as I realized another quiet dark night would fall upon me like a sharp blade, a cut I now learned to feel. After a long wait to meet the love of my life, I found myself in a state of postponement as my life seemed to morph from a dream into a cautionary tale. After an entire week of feeling her greatest love, I now felt discouraged as it seemed she constructed yet another barrier; the “shaking up” of her children if she left him. I did feel for her kids though, and didn’t want to shake them up as well, but at the same time, I didn’t want them lied to as I believed they would hold it against Anya and even Jackson one day. I knew parents generally sheltered their kids, and I think it’s the right thing to do in a truthful setting, but not a dishonest one. I further felt this presented an opportunity for Anya to not only teach them but to also prepare them for the universal truth about life for everyone; its unfairness. I would have understood Anya’s martyrdom if I never existed the way I did in her life or if I pushed myself into it, but I knew she brought me here and even ran the entire show so it was hard for me to grasp the issue entirely even though it was an entirely legitimate issue. I really wanted her kids to like me but this fact remained; they would feel I was responsible for the shake up even though their father was truly the one behind it all. Anya also didn’t want them to dislike me as well, so even though I felt discouraged by her revelation, it helped me to understand for the most part how she felt, and why at times she pulled away. She truly didn’t want her kids to blame the man she loved for a shake up as I began to realize Anya’s guilt about it and its shift of blame was a part of Jackson’s master plan.

As I walked into my bedroom, I decided to watch a Jim Gaffigan comedy special on DVD to settle in for the night however I also noticed on my dresser, three painkillers I had forgotten I brought home from my mother’s house. When I saw them, I contemplated taking all three at the same time to cover the hole I began to feel in my stomach, but suddenly my phone’s distinct text ringtone diverted my flight off the runway of self-destruction.

9:30 p.m.

“Goodnight Landyn. I love you.”

After I read her text, I abandoned my planned demise and settled for just one pill as I began my descent into Sunday morning as her sweet words afforded me a few hearty laughs from Jim Gaffigan and most importantly, a good night of rest.

Early the next morning, and obviously two chess moves ahead of me, Anya felt compelled to share something I was aware of at certain times, but never crossed my mind the previous day after she left.

7:40 a.m.

“Good morning! I just wanted to explain something to you. I hope you don’t think I don’t want to spend time with you. I would have loved to have had more time with you yesterday. When I go to see you, I tell my family I’m going shopping. I have to have an alibi. My friends will support me within reason and that’s why they met me to cover me. I can’t be gone too long of a period without a good reason. It’s that way when you have kids. I almost always come home with a shopping bag b/c it’s evidence. I hope you understand. I’m not being insensitive. Just trying to keep it safe. I hope you had a nice evening. I love you, Landyn.”

ME: “It’s very sweet of you to make me aware of this babe. I didn’t think you were being insensitive to me at all and I want you to play it safe. I know you love me and I know what you do to keep our contacts. Please thank Carolyn and Debbie for me for their understanding of what we both go through and how much we love each other.”

ANYA: “I’m glad you understand. I just wondered if you knew, that’s all. I love spending time with you! It just gets tricky when the kids are home. The girls adore you. I miss u lots. Glad you had “a lot to tell me” because it forced me to make time for us.”

ME: “Well, I did have a lot to tell you but I decided to keep it light, babe especially after what you told me about your unhappiness. I just wanted you to feel safe in my feelings for you, that’s all. We both know the grieving process makes it hard on us now.”

ANYA: “Even though I’m grieving right now, it was very nice to gaze into your eyes again. I love you.”

After I read her texts, I felt bad as it seemed she made arrangements with the girls to see me only because I allegedly had “a lot” to tell her. I truly did initially until she shared her unhappiness with me, but if I had gone there and told her all the things I had to say, it might not have come out right, and pressure could then ensue. I promised her no more pressure, so I had to avoid conversations that could lead me there as I hoped she kept things light as well. I just had to trust in her love, and in the belief she didn’t bring me into her life only to leave me wounded and forever scarred.

Later that day, a super busy Monday for her, I sent her a text to see how she was doing and what the night had in store for her.

5:07 p.m.

“Busy! Yes the usual tonight. I guess I’m still grieving. Still glad I got to see you. Just need to get through this week so I can have my life back.”

ME: “It’s been a busy one for me too. I’m in my grief throes too but loved seeing you yesterday. Take it easy, sweetheart. Things will get done.”

ANYA: “Andrew had an attitude after school and so I didn’t need it. My nanny was laughing at me b/c I tell her kids are overrated. She doesn’t have kids.”

ME: “Another reason I’m okay with not having kids! Sorry to hear about your son giving you a hard time after school. I’m sure my mom had her moments with me after school at times too. I’m here for you if you ever need to vent babe.”

ANYA: “You know I’m partly kidding when I texted that right? The most wonderful love I’ve experienced besides your love is the love they give me. They’re my everything.”

ME: “Any doubt in your love for them and the love they return to you never crossed my mind. We all have our days. What do you think bothered Andrew so much? Maybe he was just tired babe? New school. New challenges. I’m sure he’s a little overwhelmed. What you told me this morning never crossed my mind too. I know you would stay longer with me if you could.”

ANYA: “Who knows what Andrew’s problem was! It just seemed like to you I had the whole day off to play and I chose to spend it shopping and having lunch with my friends when that was not the case at all. I didn’t want you to think I left you to go shopping. You know I would stay all day with you if I could.”

ME: “I know you would babe, and whatever Andrew’s attitude was today, don’t let it bother you. Kids at the daycare gave me a hard time for no reason at all sometimes. I just chalked it up to them being human and they have good and bad days just like we do. You’re a good mom. Andrew has no idea how lucky he is, but most kids don’t realize all the things their parents do for them so it’s easy for them to take things for granted. They shouldn’t worry about adult issues anyway. They should enjoy being kids while they still are.”

ANYA: “Thanks, I try to be a good mom.”

ME: “You don’t even have to try babe, you just are. More than they will ever know. I’m sorry I stopped in the middle of our passion yesterday. I wanted you. I guess I feared the grieving process would be greater if I went there.”

ANYA: “I wanted you too. I was afraid as well because of last time. It took a while to recover from that morning. The pain was too great. I love every moment with you. I miss you baby.”

ME: “Every moment means everything to me. I miss you too.”

When we ended our text exchange, and the grieving process resumed, I realized this was love in its highest, most serious form. A form not many people were brave enough to experience and from all I felt, I fully understood why. I believed Jackson would not ask Anya for a divorce when he talked to her. He would instead simply ask her to make a choice, and if she chose to be with me, he would then demonize her as someone who loved me more than her own children rather than it being a healthy decision to simply love herself to escape the mental and emotional abuse she endured from him over the years. What appalled me the most was he knew she was not in love with him, as he even admitted she was not there for him but for the kids, so there was simply no choice to give her. To give her a choice in this matter with his knowledge of her lack of feelings for him, he would only give her a choice in jest, like Darth Vader when he told Lando Calrissian in “The Empire Strikes Back” that perhaps he felt he was being treated unfairly as Jackson gave her no choice at all even if he claimed to. If he truly loved her, and truly cared about her mental well-being or as he put it “what she was going through”, he simply would have cared enough about her happiness to not make it a choice for her at all. He loved her so much though, he offered her his business, something she didn’t need nor want, and instead threatened to take the one thing she loved more than anything else in this world, her children. Jackson was a gamer in every sense of the word, and he did not play by any set of rules that weren’t his own or that he didn’t choose to create. I was up for the challenge he posed to our love and Anya’s happiness, but I somehow had to find a way to make Anya aware of his tactics and his coercion of fear to neutralize her in an effort to destroy our love for each other. As I now began to see a couple of chess moves ahead, I found it hard to believe just a few months ago, Jackson was a man I admired so much for his business acumen and overall success. Little did I know I would come to realize it was not brilliance I saw but rather the product of an infestation of arrogance and narcissism. That Jackson’s love for himself was so great he could only be empathetic to himself even after he destroyed another man’s marriage and his own wife’s happiness in life. My fight for love was much more than being about bettering Anya’s life, but this was also, possibly on an even greater scale, about destroying the false entity that was Jackson Caiaphas.

I then began to despise politicians more than ever before as I found it strangely ironic another one found a way into my life. Were most politicians like Jackson Caiaphas though? Perceived public servants out to serve themselves more than the public it served? Instead out to further their personal brand and business interests than the greater public good? Did they all take advantage of the public trust or was this breach of trust an addiction? If they couldn’t remain faithful to their wives, how could they ever feel a sense of faithful duty to the public they served? As I pondered these questions, I found myself immersed in a bigger picture. A much greater one beyond what I could possibly comprehend when I asked Anya what she needed from me nine months ago. Now here I was, fully engaged in the middle of silent but enraged lions, thrown into the ring to take on a possible budding American empire that displayed the misdirection our society had begun to spin downward into. A place so dark and so foreboding I would lose myself forever armed only with love, something they truly didn’t believe in, as my only defense against an entity that only waited to deceive, pounce and devour me. And all I could do was hold onto the belief Anya’s love would keep me safe as I knew in the end without it, I would only be another meal.

Early the next morning she informed me she had a busy day ahead of her, but while I sat in a lunch meeting with the firm’s partners and managers, I received an odd text from her.

12:08 p.m.

“Hello.”

When I read her message after my meeting ended an hour later, it struck me odd her “hello” didn’t follow with a “babe” or an “I miss you” or even an “I love you” and it led me to believe Jackson may have confronted her. When I texted back to let her know why I wasn’t able to respond quickly and to ask if everything was alright, she informed me of the intent of her text.

1:35 p.m.

“Sorry ur busy. It was just a hello that’s all! Chat later! Xoxo!”

As this strangeness carried on, I didn’t know what to think so I responded only in acknowledgement of the reason for her text. A couple of hours later though, she made me fully aware of its meaning.

3:38 p.m.

“R u busy for lunch tomorrow? I may have to go to SCP.”

ME: “Not at all. I can come home for lunch at 11:45. Will that work?”

ANYA: “Ok! Sorry don’t have much time. Just wanted to see you. Idk if it’s a good idea b/c we have to start the grieving process all over again. I miss you.”

ME: “Well, I’d rather see you than miss you even more than I already do. Thank you. I love you.”

ANYA: “I feel the same way. Ur my addiction. I love you too.”

As her sweet text inspired me to finish the work day strong, she sent me another one later that evening as again it led me to believe Jackson may have confronted her.

9:26 p.m.

“R u there?”

ME: “I’m here.”

ANYA: “Can you call me?”

In less than ten seconds I had the voice I loved so much to hear in my ear as I worried about the words from the mouth I loved to kiss that could lead me to pressure her.

“I went out to dinner for my friend’s Lauren’s birthday.” she said. “I ended up eating a big fat pasta dish! You’re favorite!”

I had forgotten about the story I shared with Anya about my experience with pasta. My mom used to cook it all the time when I was younger, and it was never tasty. As I tried to finish my dinner one night when I was about eight years old, a full plate of spaghetti with thick noodles and heavy Ragu sauce, I began to feel sick to my stomach so I put my fork down and my head in my hands. My Dad, who always wanted to see my plate empty, began to bark and told me I had to finish and it was disrespectful to my mother who made it for me not to. As my pleas went unheard, I forced myself to finish all I had left on the plate, but ten minutes later I promptly emptied the contents involuntarily into the toilet. I never told my parents about it. I didn’t want my mother to think I didn’t appreciate her cooking, but I never wanted pasta for dinner again. So for somewhat the same reason Anya, who was traumatized by a slaughterhouse documentary when she was younger decided to be a vegetarian, I became an antipastatarian.

“You’re right, babe. It is my favorite!” I exclaimed. “My favorite if I need to clean out my digestive system!”

“Haha! It was so good though! I think you might have liked it even though you hate pasta.”

“I probably would be open to it since I’m sure the sauce doesn’t stink of Ragu and the noodles don’t resemble hardened arteries.”

“Ha! No this was fresh sauce and the noodles were so thin they melt inside your mouth, babe.” she said. “Oh my god! If these walls could talk!”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re talking about sex!”

“Oh!” I said.

“Yep!!!”

As much as I loved the topic of discussion, this information stung me as I knew she only really partook in “sex” with one person, and that person wasn’t me. It brought me right back to the night when she told me she still had sex with her husband but defended it by telling me “It’s only sex” to suggest there were no feelings or intimacy involved. I then began to think this conversation revolved around the enjoyment of sex without love, but any intimacy she experienced with anyone else, especially at this point in our relationship, was another reason for pressure I never intended to give her. This was one of those times I wished she had never mentioned a word, and it turned my stomach inside out as I tried to tell myself married sex was very different from what we shared. This fueled my speculation however, she had talked to Jackson and decided to stay for the sake of the kids; to choose a life of lies and unfounded fear instead of truth and true love. I even convinced myself she planned to tell me all about it on my lunch break, face to face the next day, the sole reason she wanted to meet and why her “hello” was so awkward. During the rest of the conversation she thankfully didn’t divulge any details of their discussion, and when she had to run because they wondered where she was, I escaped the need to pressure her, but after I got off the phone my mind began to poke at my heart to let him know he was more than likely a dead heart beating.

8:00 a.m.

“Good morning! See you soon!”

I was half awake as I got ready for work the next day when I received this text as I worried all night about what the day had in store for me. I worked in Irvine so I needed at least twenty minutes to get home from the office and twenty minutes to drive back depending on freeway traffic so there was no guarantee I could be on time. Along with the mental burden on what the day could possibly bring with it, I then decided to just call in sick. The firm allowed me to bank eighty of the overtime hours I put in during the busy season to use for days off during the non-busy months however my bank was beginning to run out as I was now down to my last eight hours of banked time. Anya jumped through hoops to visit me too as she had a twenty-five-minute drive from Dana Point and back so I never shared my days off bank balance with her. I still wanted so badly to see her but I feared the worst on this particular morning so a half hour before she arrived, and for the first time ever before a meeting, I took a painkiller to help stymie any negative feelings I’d certainly feel, especially if she went into any detail about the “sex” talk last night with her girlfriends. I then thought back to the time she told me she would never love another man the way she loved me as now I didn’t know which way I wanted to be loved by her, but as the painkiller lubricated my mind’s euphoric receptors I suddenly began to believe it didn’t matter.

Her visit began like they all seemed to do as my heart skipped several beats when I saw her at my gate and minutes later we were both bare bodied in an embrace on my bed, but it became quickly apparent she did not come to give me any bad news and this was only a visit to soothe our discomfort from being apart. As I held her in my arms, we spoke only with our eyes as silence surrounded us as I hoped to avoid any conversation, but inside I felt damaged like a cracked dam, so much so, I couldn’t bring myself to make love to her as the thought of her sharing sex stories with friends, who could only assume this was with Jackson, hurt me in the pit of my soul. I grew even more frustrated when I thought although I was the man who worshipped the ground she walked on, she still shared her bed with someone who had dishonored and shamed her in the worst way imaginable. As I fought the good fight within to keep it light between us, she then told me for the next couple of weeks should would be really busy, and it hit me hard even on a euphoria induced pill as I didn’t know how to interpret it other than with apprehension.

“If we had an entire day to spend together, how would you want to spend it?” she asked.

“A single day?” I responded caught by surprise. “As in a full twenty-four hours?”

“Yes!”

“It would be fun to spend it in bed with you.” I said. “We could order food in. Watch movies. Read a book together. Take a nap and make love. Would be even better if it rained.”

“I’d love that! So simple yet so dreamy!” she said as her eyes danced around with excitement into mine.

Anya mercifully refrained from any talk regarding her “sex” discussion with the girls from the previous evening, but as she abruptly reached for her phone and began to type on her Blackberry, her wedding ring glistened enough for it to catch my eye as it dug a hook deep into my heart.

“It’s Carolyn, babe. I’m sorry.”

“No problem.” I said as I smiled.

When I saw the ring on her finger, I was thrown off as it brought me right back to when I asked her if she still had sex with her husband. To see her ring on instinctively struck fear in me, but I began to consider she might be afraid if she took it off she would forget it and be questioned if Jackson noticed when she got home. My mind then threw me to the fact her ring signified her devotion to him and when mixed in with her “sex” conversations from the previous night, I then felt baffled, hurt and frustrated. My heart then convinced me, as it seemed to carry the voice of my mother, that she only displayed this devotion to her abuser for her kids as the effect of the opiate brought me much needed peace. Her husband’s ring did leave me to wonder though if she would still marry me as I now worried after the emotions of her daughter’s Bat Mitzvah and a possible talk with him might have led her to change her mind.

Even though I could tell she wanted me to make love to her, I held back not from the confusion about her ring, but because I didn’t want to just send her off after such a short visit. I felt it would be disrespectful as she deserved more from a man who truly loved her, but even through all my negative feelings, I still had a fun time with her and hated to see her leave. Upon her return home, her busy day only continued as she had a meeting at a volunteer organization that evening, but as I endured the grief process yet again and didn’t expect to hear from her until the next morning, she did an Anya thing and surprised me with a text.

8:04 p.m.

“Just coming down from my “high”. I miss you.”

ME: “Tell me about it! I miss you too. How r u?”

ANYA: “Tired! Haven’t stopped! Just leaving my Pathways meeting. I still have work to do when I get home. Just one of those days. I miss you so much!”

ME: “Same here! It was very sweet of you to come by today. I love how we got lost in each other with our faces so close. I’ve never experienced that with anyone before.”

ANYA: “I love when we’re really close; face to face. I love how your face feels next to mine. I know I’m weird.”

ME: “I must be super weird then because I love it too. Every time our skin touches I feel like it was the universe’s intention for us to be one. I really regret not making love to you today.”

ANYA: “Why do you say that babe?”

ME: “Because I just miss you so much, but you would have had to get up and leave. I just didn’t think it was right to make love to you then just send you off.”

ANYA: “You were just respecting my time. I think you were very much a gentleman for not pushing b/c I would have had to jump right out of bed afterwards.”

ME: “Thank you for understanding, babe. I was afraid too.”

ANYA: “Were u afraid b/c you didn’t know how u were going to feel after? What were you afraid of? Do I scare u?”

ME: “You don’t scare me at all. Making love to you overwhelms me. It breaks me down emotionally when you leave. I don’t cry or anything like that, but the missing that follows is great and I’m afraid it might lead me to pressure you. That’s what I’m afraid of plus I worry about the effect it has on you at home too if it affects me as much as it does.”

ANYA: “I get overwhelmed too. I just love our closeness. I just feel “high” and become speechless. My heart fills with love and I’m lost for words.”

ME: “That’s a beautiful way to describe it, and I feel the same way. I just hope I didn’t disappoint you. I feel like half a man right now.”

ANYA: “U didn’t disappoint me! Ur not half a man! I love you forever!”

Even though the thought her ring could reflect an allegiance to her husband, it could have also been worn as a deterrent to other men. If Michael Buble brought her onstage to sing to her the entire night, I’m sure men approached her on the street at times too. When Anya shared the beauty of her time with me in detail, a description born only from the heart, I felt the “sex” she had with Jackson, was not the story she shared with the girls as my sensitivity got in the way once more, a sensitivity I thankfully staved off with the aid of a pill.

The next day Anya kept in contact with me as Katie’s Bat Mitzvah was now upon her, just two days away, but even as the work and the stress piled up, she still made an effort to let me know I was on her mind.

8:17 a.m.

“I would enjoy any movie w/u. Even if it’s stupid. It doesn’t matter.”

8:19 a.m.

“I miss u babe. So much.”

8:25 a.m.

“I love you forever!”

After I received these morning texts I prepared myself for her absence; a parting of ways I completely understood as an important event took my place. Simply anything and everything she did for her children never left me in despair as I respected her obligations to them and felt content with a third place finish.

The next day, a Friday, the day before Katie’s Bat Mitzvah, I again didn’t expect to hear much from her, but she did text me goodnight and to say she loved me which I didn’t expect at all since she had a ceremony of some kind that evening. When I woke up on Saturday morning, I sent her a text in anticipation of a quiet day, but I felt it was important for her to not worry about contacting me, and that I completely understood the reason for her silence.

ME: “Good morning! I just wanted to wish you good luck today! I’m sure everything will turn out great! I wish I could see how beautiful you look in your semi-perfect dress but perfect shoes! Have a great day, babe! Miss u, love u.”

ANYA: “Thank you sweets! Ur so thoughtful. Just getting my hair done. Sorry I didn’t get a chance to check in w/u yesterday. I’m sure everything will go well. I miss u and I love u too.”

The day belonged to Katie and her mother. It didn’t belong to the man who missed her as much as air. Even though I struggled at times, I only did when I felt a lack of communication on a day I normally would hear from her represented an act of contradiction from someone who loved me forever. As this day continued, I found myself not upset with Anya, but with an entity whose existence I questioned more than ever; God. It was something I did from time to time as I sought concrete proof of His existence, as if anyone ever received such validation. After I took the last Vicodin I had and it began to kick in, things out of my control on this day didn’t seem to matter. I even began to wish I had these pills when Denise left me as I felt they would have helped me get over her sooner than I did or at least helped me tolerate the long hard nights with her on my mind as she loved someone else. I felt secure Anya was in love in me though, but I just feared the strength of her love wasn’t on par with mine, but then again she had a buffer; her kids, her friends, her organizations, and her staff, which occupied her thoughts. My partnership promotion and Anya was all I had yet she still dominated my thoughts as the more I fell in love with her, the less my thoughts swayed to my big payday. Even though I still appreciated my career accomplishments as my promotion to partner would allow me to take care of Anya and even her kids, my career didn’t matter to me as much as it once did.

I began to focus on what course of action I would take with Anya after Jackson talked with her about what “she was going through” after an entire decade of going through things he caused he never cared to acknowledge until now. I didn’t believe he would divorce her even if he had concrete evidence or she admitted she was in love with me, and I didn’t understand why Jackson (after he cheated on his wife while she was pregnant with their second child and felt so much remorse he cheated on her again a few years later) if he was truly sorry in any way, wouldn’t be man enough to make this decision himself. Anya could still leave without outing him to the kids and present their divorce to them as just something they would understand one day. I didn’t want their children to hate their own father because his ability to be a good father wasn’t in question. He could in turn protect her as well, and at the same time show the kids what a real marriage was all about; how happiness was an important commodity to possess in life. Then when they’re older and more mature, they could let them know why they were better suited for other people. Jackson had an image though, one founded on the perception of perfection, and for him to go after the kids in a divorce and to give her a business she didn’t want or need with my partnership promotion in play, couldn’t be more self-serving, but it also explained why Anya fell for me and why I felt the reason to love and trust her was such an easy choice. As much as Anya and I struggled over her inability to know, she truly was a special soul, and the fact she felt an obligation to stay solely for them was a beautiful thought, but my existence in her life in such a huge way left that hard for me to grasp as I struggled with the dishonesty involved in that decision. The way she gave me love, I wanted to give it to her a hundred-fold as I felt this could all be worked out one day. Even though she was going to be busy with work over the next few weeks, I believed her love would shine through and she would somehow find a way to make time for us. The most beautiful thing about Anya was that even though she could say things that worried me, the sincerity in her eyes when we talked about these issues in person, how they never looked away but fell deeply and softly into mine, showed me how she absorbed my concerns and took them into serious consideration. I really loved that about her, whether good or bad, she weighed everything and took it to heart, and made adjustments each and every time to accommodate my feelings. You just couldn’t find that kind of love, it had to find and then believe in you, like it found and believed in me fifteen months ago.

If there was a God, could He hate me this much to bring such a beautiful human being into my life to just take her away? Why would He allow such a scenario to ever happen to a man who genuinely believed in love and who truly loved someone who had been grossly disrespected and emotionally abused by the man who promised Him to love, honor and cherish her forever? I had faith, if there was a God, He brought a good man to a woman in a great deal of emotional pain to help take it away from her forever, and to show her the truest ways of love; one that never died. My only hope was that when Jackson talked with Anya, he could find the respect for her to ask for a divorce and prove me completely wrong about him in the process. If he truly loved his wife as he claimed to, then he would make it easy on her and agree on joint custody to give her the happiness back he stole from her with his infidelities. The truth was though, and I knew it without a shred of doubt, Jackson was not selfless or empathetic enough to do what I felt was simply the right thing to do.

The day after Katie’s Bat Mitzvah, I thought I would receive a text from her early that morning but when the clock struck noon and I still hadn’t heard from her, I began to worry so I reached out via text to see how her day went.

12:22 p.m.

“Hi! Everything went well! Huge success! Really tired. In bed all day.”

After I read her text, I was happy to know the event went well, but when I learned she was still in bed so late after a night she no doubt looked so beautiful, I began to think of what still being in bed past noon truly meant, especially after a night they essentially celebrated their daughter’s birth. I then even convinced myself this was what spurred the “sex” discussion with her friends a few days earlier. The more I thought about it, the more I feared her ambivalence through silence as a flood of negative thoughts began to infiltrate, just minutes prior, my peaceful mind.

ME: “I’m happy to hear everything went well. Just wanted to check in. Rest up.”

After I sent my text as I staved off my emotions, I didn’t receive a quick response like I usually did, and the negativity steamrolled from there. I tried to reason she was exhausted too, but it was hard to ignore the fact she was usually up and about by now even after other busy late nights she had from time to time. I just didn’t know what to think other than the same way I did when she told me about her son’s graduation day and how hard it was to see him with trust for her in his eyes. For the first time, I decided to go visit my mother only to see if she could spare any painkillers as I knew I’d need them in an effort to not let this affect me and pressure her. Just before I drove off though, Anya responded to my text.

1:08 p.m.

“Thank you. Thank you for the good luck wish. How r u? Feels like I haven’t talked to you in weeks.”

ME: “Just glad everything went really well. It sure does! I’m okay. How r u?”

ANYA: “Just okay? I’m just tired. Watching a movie with the kids.”

I didn’t know how to respond so I decided it best not to. Her unusual disappearance left me to feel she hid something from me as a weekend spent with the kids as a fully functioning family unit tore into my hope for us. It’s not like I didn’t want that, but after all we’ve shared, after nine months, I didn’t think it was right to sort of blow me off as if I didn’t exist. In fact, I found it wrong for her to feel any guilt now simply because even though the love she had for her kids was indisputable, the life she lived with the man she married was not only a lie, but also led her to fall in love with another man. I didn’t have a fondness for politics, and I hated to feel anyone being political with my emotions in play, but I sensed the Bat Mitzvah was just that; a representation of what she wanted people to believe about their family, and that lie bothered me greatly because I would have never given our love a chance if I had known to love her would also mean to support the façade. I didn’t know what to expect from her on this day, but it felt like she already had the conversation with Jackson or at the minimum did something to lead him to think he was crazy to believe she was going through anything at all, and that scared me even more. What I did know was that I felt forsaken on this morning as the time had come to either confirm my feelings or to learn the exact opposite was true, and a little over three hours later, I had my answer.

4:04 p.m.

“I miss u, u know.”

When I received this text it instantly doused the flames of negativity within as her words caught me by surprise, but after all I struggled with over the last three hours, nothing could have prepared me for what would follow.

4:10 p.m.

“My nephew announced his engagement yesterday and I admit I was envious. I was happy for them but bummed out at the same time. They seem so happy. He is 22 and she is 24 with a child. The ex left her and child. They are so in love. I couldn’t look at her ring because it truly represented love.”

After I read this text, a smile broke upon my face as not only did the sadness I felt all day melt away, but the questions I had about her own ring the other day did as well. It meant a lot to know she recognized the brilliant sphere she wore on her finger daily did not represent a devotion of any kind to her husband but rather a show for all.

All, except for me.

ME: “I miss you too. Why were you so bummed out?”

As I waited for her reassurance or for the ball to drop on my newfound hope, she ended all and every doubt I conjured inside my head about her weekend, and the entire week.

4:17 p.m.

“I want to wear your ring.”