“It’s so typical, love leads to isolation.”
~ “Separate Lives” Marilyn Martin & Phil Collins
The hardest part of missing someone you love so much, in this kind of situation, was to empower your partner and to not find fault in them. Always being willing to bend, but never break, and to provide them with an unlimited supply of the benefit of the doubt. Crossroads filled my path as Anya’s holiday plans intensified. I understood why she had to go through with them yet it still made me like the biggest baby, and jerk, to let them affect me. The last thing I wanted to do was criticize and judge her for something she had to do. I only wanted to empower her, but the constant yearning and need for her in my everyday life overwhelmed me as the pain from my past failed relationships began to resurface. And I had a hard time not feeling more jaded by her holiday plans, as it felt like I relived every heart ache and heart break I ever had. Could Anya understand why my heart broke with every holiday plan she made? I understood she had to make them, but why add to the list if she already knew they hurt me? Leaving the only remedy for me is to feel even more pain by ending our relationship? Was this a game to her? Even though I wished I never texted what I did because of her reaction, I couldn’t hide the truth of how I truly felt. Like a dam ready to burst, my heart could only take so much of this loneliness. Something someone in love should never feel.
She deserved honesty from me, but how could she be so contradictive? She took the biggest risk here. The biggest gamble a married person could take. An even most courageous act by defying her husband regardless of if he knew she was having a relationship with another man, yet she was still afraid to do the right thing and end her marriage? The kids had to be witness to the tension at home. Wouldn’t they thank her for being honest with him? By living a complete lie, a completely false existence, what did she prove to them? Anya made my case for leaving Jackson with every text she ever sent me and every visit she ever made to see me. How could she be so blind to this truth? A truth her very own? What was she holding on to when mothers have left for a lot less? Was there something else I didn’t know that kept her there? Was it really his money? His sphere pf influence. His friends? Was it her image? Her reputation? Was it a loss of power? Were her fake friends more important to impress than her best friend? Did she fear for her life? What put fear in her mind even as she lived so outrageously yet so courageously?
I didn’t hear back from Anya for the rest of the evening even after I apologized to her. I loved her. If I believed she was a “braveless and miserable person”, I wouldn’t have fought so hard for her. I’ve seen and felt her love so I knew she had it in her. I didn’t want to pull or push, which it appeared to her I did, but I had to find a way to empower her. She knew I’d be there for her in every way, but I had to build her up, not tear her down. And most importantly, I couldn’t let my pain of missing derail her.
I was relieved to hear from her when she texted me later the next morning.
ANYA: “I hope ur ok.”
ME “I’m just worried about you. Don’t worry about me, babe.”
ANYA: “If ur not ok I’m not ok.”
ME “Then I’m fine babe. Just want you to be too. R u shopping today?”
ANYA: “No not today. I’ve had it w/people.”
Her “I’ve had it with people” revelation brought a smile and after I read her texts, I felt a lot better, as the world seemed to be spin right for me once again. To hear such a social person tell me she’s “had it with people”, warmed me up on the shortest day of the year, December twenty-first. She even gave my fast beating heart more good news.
ANYA: “Want to meet for tea?”
ME: “Yes please.”
It’s all I wanted and needed from her. She didn’t have to drop her holiday plans. I knew their importance for her, for her kids, and I respected that. I just needed her to show some respect for a heart that ached for her. If her heart broke each time I got sad then my heart crumbled into pieces before hers had a chance to break. She had to understand any time spent apart from her was going to make me sad, and it’s why I had to stop seeing her on my lunch breaks. It’s not that I wanted to stop seeing her, but the sadness overwhelmed me when I returned to work, a mental profession I’ve worked very hard towards. Years of school and years of traveling. Years of looking stupid at times in front of hostile clients led me to the promotion of a lifetime. To be frank, it was a miracle Clyde hadn’t called me out on my lack of focus yet. How I’ve been able to pull this off for this long would have even baffled Houdini.
I suffered great mental distress because of the way I chose to love people. The only way I knew how; to love them deeply without reservations. If I couldn’t do that, then I had no business being in a relationship with them if I couldn’t trust in their love for me. No matter how many times I’ve been burned, I went right back to the old Landyn way of loving; all heart, no mind. I couldn’t believe, nor did I want to believe, this wasn’t love. I wanted to trust Anya. I wanted to believe she wanted and wished to be with me. Whenever I didn’t feel this, I gave into fear until I did, but even in my greatest moments of doubt, I always still believed simply because I wanted to. The benefit of the doubt always hers as I saw more fault in the way I reacted to things she did, than any fault of her own for doing them. Sure, I had my theories, but I only had them in the hope of being wrong. I wanted to be a fool for my fears as every day I felt grateful for her love, even in my darkest times, the darkest moments I ever experienced in any of my previous relationships by far.
On this day, she made time for me, but mostly for us, as we met for the sixty ninth time. When I saw my appearance in the mirror as I got ready, I almost text her to bail on her. My face appeared gaunt, the bags under my bloodshot eyes hung low, and I felt soft. I didn’t want her to see me this way as I barely ate nor went to the gym over the last two weeks; so distraught over her holiday schedule. However, I feared this would probably be my last chance to see her before her skiing trip so I put a few extra splashes of Issey Miyake and headed out the door to meet the one who rendered me breathless. When I parked at the Good Morning Café lot, I received a call from her, a frantic one in nature.
“What’s wrong, babe?” I asked with great concern she would bail on me.
“I’m lost!” she said.
“Where are you?”
“I’m on Westminster.”
“What are you by?”
“A Union Seventy Six gas station.”
“Tell me the next cross street you pass.”
“Ok…wait a second. I can’t see it.”
“Take your time, babe.”
“Bayside.”
“You’re going the right way. Just keep on Westminster and then make a right on Sprigg and you’ll see it.” I said as I waited about thirty seconds before I spoke again. “I see you.”
“Oh, there you are! Hi babe! I’ll see you in a sec!”
“Ok, bye!”
Here I nearly found myself bailing on her, and a call like this put me on edge as I feared she would actually go through with it.
After she sprang out of her car and into mine, I held her hand as I drove us to our park, Cascade Park. As I felt her hand in mine, I thought about how these meetings have changed over time as there was now an equal chance of having the best day of my life or the worst day of my life. I had an extremely difficult time apart from her, and I couldn’t deny it was only getting worse. In all my previous relationships, I was fine with the down time in between, but any distance in this relationship tore me into pieces. As much as she loved me, I couldn’t hold onto the security her love should have brought me, as I believed a promise would at least rest my mind about the unknown variable in her life that shook mine. Those things she chose not to tell me that I would only know if I asked about. And when you didn’t know what to ask about, the unknown variable strangled me as it was easy to get lost. To feel distant from her. To even feel the love, she felt for me, wasn’t love at all. The toll her holiday plans took on me not only threatened to destroy us, but also me. Her love left me crippled mentally and emotionally as I became a fallen prey to the unrelenting lions of an aggressive despair.
When we reached our destination and she came into my arms, these very thoughts ran through my head. What would she do to make me mentally stronger and capable of cultivating positive thoughts instead of dwelling in the house of negativity? The fact I had her in my arms gave me the strength to believe she would find a way, and when we kissed, I pretended to tickle her as she started flail at me with soft hits on my chest in kind. As our kissing intensified, as it inspired soft moans from her, I came to the conclusion this was the best December twenty first I ever experienced.
She then suddenly pulled away and reached into her purse to pull a small bag with a tag that swung bag and forth as she handed it to me.
“Merry Christmas!” she said joyfully.
“You didn’t have to do this.” I said in shock.
“I know, but I wanted to. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I said.
“Open it up!” she exclaimed in excitement.
I couldn’t remember the last time I received a Christmas gift from a girlfriend. It had been that long. So long, I didn’t know how to act, but I couldn’t be happier it came from her.
“If you insist!” I said.
“I hope you like it.”
“Of course, I’m going to like it. It came from you.” I said as I then realized what it was. “Wow. I’ve been wanting one of these for a long time.”
“It surprised me you didn’t have an Ipod.”
“This is very generous of you.”
“This one is the one that has the most memory so you can even upload DVD’s too!”
“Really? Even King Kong?”
“Even King Kong!” she giggled.
I couldn’t hold back my smile, I knew this cost a small fortune for her, but when I read the tag attached to the bag, in her own handwriting, I got choked up.
“Thank you for all the joy and happiness you’ve brought into my life. I love you, forever.” ` ~ Anya
“No offense to the pen you bought me, but this is the greatest gift I’ve ever received from someone. Thank you so much.” I said as I looked in her eyes with all the sincerity in the world. “I love you forever too.”
“You’re most welcome! I love you very much.” she said as she came into my arms. “I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused.”
I then began to kiss her as I fought back the tears that fell as I felt awful about all my negative thoughts, every single one of them and the hard time I gave her about them as the moment gripped me. Her apology meant the world to me; that she understood my struggle and why I reacted the way I did.
“I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you too.” I said. “I know this isn’t easy on you too.”
“I hope you don’t think I’m stringing you along. I’m in love with you.” she said as she looked softly and warmly in my eyes. “I can’t fake that. I don’t know if you could ever truly understand my position. I love you.”
Anya opened up to me often through her text messages, but what she said to me held the most weight due to the dire need to hear these words at a time her commitment to Jackson took her from me. My negative thoughts never felt more powerful than they did at this time, and for her to make time for me today, and for her to say what she did no longer hidden behind the technological terror known as the cell phone, baptized me; I’ve never had someone love me this much who I felt the same way about. At times, it was hard to fully accept, but I had to learn. I had to trust more and I had to believe in love more than I ever did before.
I don’t think Anya ever could understand how beautiful she was in my eyes and how much she meant to me. She reset a bar that was already high to begin with, and she truly was my soulmate. I knew it the minute she loved me, and all the ways she chose to. She never had to say “I love you” in order for me to feel her love. And maybe she was right; I could never truly understand her position. But I hoped she could truly understand my position now, and how much her beauty and love meant to me. I would never tell her how much it meant to me, because if I did she might be moved to love me only out of obligation, and I didn’t want that, but I knew I’d be in the fight of my life without her in it.
“I try everyday to understand your position babe. I want you to do the things you have to do and not have to worry about me, but it’s tough when I love you so much especially when I know I’ve brought joy and happiness in your life, things I think you deserve to have.” I said as I cupped my hand to her face. “I trust you because I don’t think you’d be able to fake this. I just hope you know I’m for real and I would never do anything intentionally to hurt you. I care about you too much. You’ve brought just as much joy and happiness into my life too, things I’d never thought I was worthy of ever feeling. But I do now though all because of you. I just hope you can understand my position too.”
Her lips then fell into mine as if it was the first time we kissed, and when our time together ended, and I embarked on a lonely road home even as cars made the traffic cumbersome, I began to contemplate all the reasons I couldn’t give up on her. I got involved only because of her husband’s remorseless cheating and all the other ways he had emotionally abused her. My own father never disrespected my mother in this kind of manner and that led me to further believe this was not a normal marriage by any stretch of the imagination. I didn’t believe she would be a better person and mother with Jackson than she would be without him. I saw the bigger picture and not the short-term reaction to the end of their marriage. I saw everyday how much having a real love in her life meant to her, and I would walk through the darkest hell for her to have heaven one day. The more I thought about my reasons for being in Anya’s life, the more justified I felt. One thing was certain though, Jackson and I were on, and neared, a collision course. Not in the physical sense, but in the ideal sense. I felt he believed the man Anya was seeing didn’t know about his infidelities, and I wanted him to know it’s exactly why I chose to be in her life. Why I loved her. Yes, Anya was as beautiful as they came. Michael Buble didn’t feel compelled to bring her on stage and sing his entire set list to her all night in front of thousands for nothing, but that wasn’t the reason I feel in love with Anya. This love was much more than skin deep, and it extended beyond the graying of hair and the inelasticity of the skin. I simply could never feel more for another human being.
That evening, a cozy one, I played around with my Ipod as I couldn’t wait to get songs downloaded on it. I then began the second book of the “Twilight” series, as I lit a candle and crashed in my bed. After I reached page one hundred, I realized Anya had text me.
ANYA: “I think I’m coming down w/something. I hope I didn’t give it to u.”
ME: “In the improbable event your malady did bust through my imperviability, it would still be worth it to me babe. Take care of yourself for me over there, would you please? It’s okay to slow down if you have to. I worry about you. I love you.”
ANYA: “Thank you. I love you too. What r u doing?”
ME: “I’ll tell you what I’m doing but first I’ll need to know what page you’re on in “New Moon”.
ANYA: “I haven’t started yet sweets!”
ME: “Then all I’m doing tonight is building a 100-page cushion on you!”
ANYA: “I better get reading, huh?”
ME: “I think you got some catching up to do, babe.”
An overall great day for me as I couldn’t remember a Christmas feeling this good. As emotionally painful the holidays were for the most part, I never experienced a happier holiday season in my life, as I found love to be the true reason for the season.
Before I went to bed, I thanked Anya again for the iPod, but I was also honest about not knowing what I loved more; the iPod or the tag. At exactly seven a.m. I awoke to a text she sent me at four forty that Monday morning.
ANYA: “I’m glad! U can categorize all ur music by genres. I’m sure you know this but u can burn any CD’s onto ur iPod. Not an expert but ask if u have a quest. I’m sure u’ve figured everything out. It’s quite simple. Ur too funny about the tag! I should write letters to u tho I don’t have the best hand writing. Throat is bothering me. Waiting to go for a walk but looks like Carolyn is still asleep. Chat later!”
To see her write me such a beautiful thing touched my heart at a time it needed to be touched; a time I felt like more of a disease than the cure, as her holiday plans obscured the joy and happiness I brought her; the main reason I endured the times spent apart. I didn’t want to distract her, I know she needed to be “there”, but I also needed her to believe this wasn’t me versus her kids, but me versus an abusive marriage. A union that stripped away joy and happiness from her life. We both needed to find ourselves again. To be who we were before we had our hearts broken as the last year taught me we could only do this through each other. No one else could bring to us what we’ve found in each other. No matter the current situation, we were meant to be together. I was convinced the night our eyes found each other was the time we were supposed to meet, otherwise we would’ve never appreciated all we’ve found in one another.
This Monday morning, December twenty-second, two thousand eight would be the best one yet as I would see Anya. Our seventieth meeting and the her thirty sixth visit to my one bedroom apartment, and as I thought back to each of her previous visits, it reminded me of how each sunset carried a beauty all its own. I thought about all the memories I made with her in my candle lit room over the last year and how much better it could be if she wasn’t bound by fear and kept hope in peril. For years, before I got my own place, I slept on a twin bed and when I got my queen, I sprawled myself all over it, but now I found my selfish behavior an act of sacrilege as I could no longer trespass upon Anya’s side of the bed.
Since this day would be a rainy one, I cracked my window so we could hear the rain fall then lit my usual candles for us. As I did this, I thought of other romantic things I wanted to do for her. I just wanted her to know what we shared was beyond special and I was grateful for her. Her presence before me never to be taken for granted, and she was always the most important one in the room. I wanted her to feel comfortable and relaxed with me each time she shared the greatest part of herself with me, something I felt Jackson could never push his libido aside enough to appreciate. This woman gave up her body for him. A body that would never be the same again after she had his children. After all she gave him, he cheated on her at the time she needed him the most, and when I set my room up for her, I thought about how much she deserved this show of respect and honor from him. It’s just something I wanted to make right for her if I could in some way; to make some sense of her suffering during that time. A time that haunts me because I couldn’t be there for her. I created the ambiance in my room for her to know she was truly loved and not only worthy of a man’s loyalty, but also his respect. What he saw as imperfections in her, I saw as the purest perfection in my eyes, and I felt she deserved the best of me. All I could possibly give her for never looking at my imperfections; a first for me as I felt most women usually looked for the bad in me more than the good. No one is exempt from imperfections, but I always felt if a woman saw the good in me, then the bad could never matter.
Anya was my energy source in life. She kept it perpetual and dynamic, always moving forward. Even gave me a sense of the most magical wonder, full of goals and hopes I hadn’t had since I was a kid. Her love for me demolished the wall I built around my heart for years, and it’s why I held onto it for dear life as I knew the next wall I built would be forever impenetrable, the greatest of all fortresses. After a year, I was not only in this for happiness in life, but also for my survival as well.
ANYA: “Here.”
Anya’s “here” text had a power all its own as my heart beat went from first to fourth gear upon its receipt. The day outside brought coldness and rain, but with Anya’s eyes in mine, and the warmth of her skin in my hand, it felt like there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. As we reached inside my apartment, and as the rain let up on us for our trek, I brought her face into my hands and brought her lips into mine. I could have stayed in my living room the entire time, standing, with our mouths close, but didn’t want the ambiance I created in my room for us to go to waste. As our naked bodies found each other in the middle of my bed, I laid her gently down upon it, and moved my hands upon her flawless frame then brought my mouth to kiss her body. With a new found inner peace as two desperate weeks of inner turmoil melted away, I fell inside her two soft loving eyes as they danced slowly with mine.
“Can we have more than one soulmate?” she spoke softly.
“Do you think we each have more than one soul?” I asked.
“No.”
“I think that’s why we only have one soul mate.” I said. “Our soul’s mate.”
“That’s interesting.” she said.
“Do you think we have more than one soulmate?”
“I think we could.”
Fear filled my heart as I wondered what spurred her question and response, but I didn’t believe we had more than one soulmate. Did she consider the other men in her life soulmates as well? Lance the romantic singer? What if she felt Jackson was her soulmate too? Nothing sounded more singular than the word “soulmate” as I believed it to be a word meant for one person. I felt people who believed they did have multiple soulmates, couldn’t possibly know what love truly was. That “soulmate” was a word they often threw around to describe how they felt for someone. The promiscuous usage of the word “soulmate” by people was the very reason why I chose to believe our souls were reserved for only one. I wouldn’t have made the decision to be in her life, especially in this situation, if I felt she was anything less than my soulmate. I knew I met mine, but her question left me to wonder for the first time if she truly met hers.
“I’ve never felt more connected to someone and never had so much in common with them. I’ve never felt so comfortable with someone. Never felt so natural around someone. Never felt more right with someone regardless of what other people might think. I feel our love, our mutual respect for each other, that us coming together was not the act of evil, but the act of someone on the side of what is good, just and right. We were meant to meet regardless of the situation and it leaves me convinced this is a once in a lifetime love.” I said as I suddenly felt insignificant. “Well, I guess I’ll just say I like the chances with the soulmate I have now. You’re the only soulmate for me and I don’t want to know another.”
“I believe what we share is a once in a lifetime love too. I’ve never felt this way before with anyone. I love you very much.”
“You know it’s a soulmate love when you don’t need to live through music or books to feel a love so real.”
I wanted to tell her so much more to give this soulmate love, this once in a lifetime, a chance. To embrace it by at least separating from Jackson, the true source of her unhappiness. To understand she was only separating herself from the deception, and not from the love of her kids. To choose an honest life over one of dishonesty. She had all she needed and more in me, and all she had to do was choose to live her life with me. I’d win her children over in the end. I promise things would be fine.
You have your soulmate. I’m here forever. I won’t break your heart. I promise it to you for a lifetime and beyond. I thought quietly to myself.
Anya told me she didn’t think I could fully understand her position, but could she fully understand mine if she knew how much my life now weighed in the balance? I wouldn’t want that burden on her no matter how true I believed that to be.
When the day ended, I sat in regret unable to share the things I wanted to, in fear she would not be as receptive as I hoped for. Since our relationship was one born of love, and not of lust, I believed its origin came from a beacon of light and not from the depth of darkness. I had strong feelings this would work out better she than she thought. That her kids would see the good in me and in us, as I wasn’t convinced a separation from deception could ever harm them irreparably.
To see Anya on two consecutive days, both filled with promise and hope, healed all that ached by heart the last couple of weeks. Although I still felt we only had one soulmate, we were not always going to agree on everything. Later the next day I sent her a text to see how her day was coming along and what her plans were.
ANYA: “Soccer practice then meeting C & D for one spill. Have to pick up Katie at 6:50 in HB. If I can get away r u up for a beer at 5:30 at RJ’s?”
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ME: “I’d be up for two beers if you can get away!”
ANYA: “Ha ha! OK I’m meeting them at 4 p.m. Let me feel them out and I’ll text you by 4:30.”
ME: “Sounds good. I might run a little behind, but I won’t be longer than 5 minutes. Can you wait for me at the bar and grab me a seat?”
ANYA: “Please don’t be late! I don’t like to sit at bars alone! I’d leave b4 I sit alone in a bar! It’s true! Just ask C&D!”
ME: “Ok, babe. I believe you.”
ANYA: “So you won’t be late? I love you.”
ME: “If I’m late just wait in your car, but I’ll do my best to be there on time. I love you too.”
I could only guess about what happened that made her feel so badly about being alone inside a bar, but I could imagine her being approached by many wild eyed men often to make her feel uncomfortable alone there. Anya sent me a text. as promised, at four-thirty to let me know she would meet me there at five, but little did she know when she text me, I was already there. Upon receipt of her text, I walked inside to secure a seat for us both, and when five arrived, so did she; beautiful in my eyes as always. I ordered a Corona for each of us, and she thanked me as a huge smile grew on her face. We then got lost in each other as our love locked us in a gaze completely unaware of our surroundings and blocked out all the people there. Something we still did even over a year later. She then reached for her beer and touched her bottle with mine before we both took our first drink.
“Thank you for meeting me here and not being late, babe.” she said.
“Of course, Sweetheart. I didn’t know about your bar phobia. I apologize.” I said. “I would never want you to wait for me anywhere. It was lame to suggest but the traffic is horrendous this time of year. Seems like it takes an hour just to get out of a parking lot.”
“I get approached every time. I just don’t want to deal with it.” she said.
“I totally understand.” I said as I noticed a group of young guys behind us who seemed to look at us in what appeared to be a mocking way. “A lot of people here tonight. I think you would have gotten approached tonight for sure.”
“It happens more than I hope it would. Some men don’t care about the ring on your finger.”
“Gentlemen are a dying breed.” I said as I tried to ignore the guy behind me who seemed to poke fun at the trance I got in whenever I saw Anya. “No doubt.”
“Have you ever looked at anyone the way you look at me?” she asked.
“Never.” I said. “Although I’ve been attentive before.”
“Did you ever buy flowers for your girlfriends?”
“Flowers.” I said as I remembered Karyn. “A couple of times.”
Anya’s head then dipped to the floor and when her eyes reappeared in mine, they were a little wet, but she quickly turned away and took a sip of her Corona.
“Are you okay?” I asked as I rubbed her leg and touched her hand, one I wanted so bad to bring against my face.
She then took a deep breath and looked at me with a forced smile.
“It’s okay, whatever you want to say.” I said.
“It makes me sad you’ve sent flowers to another girl.”
“Why babe?” I asked. “If I had met you before them, you’re the only one I would have ever sent flowers to.”
“It’s just…it’s just I can’t…you could never send me flowers.”
“Weren’t you the one who told me “never say never”?” I reminded her. “And I told you you’re not a positive thinker?”
“Yes.” she said as smile broke upon her face as she wiped her eyes.
“Well, maybe just one day I can, babe.” I said. “Remember those three things in life you should never give up on?”
“Hopes, wishes and dreams.” She said softly.
“I love you.” I said.
“I love you too.”
When our time together came to an end, I rose from my chair and waited for Anya to rise from hers. I grabbed her purse from her chair and carried it for her. As we walked out together, I then heard a cackle from one of the guys who sat directly behind us.
“Gay ass shit, man!” he said. “Now you can go home and whack it, Desperado. Everyone in this bar knows she’s too good for you.”
Anya heard it and turned around, and I almost turned to face him, but decided to play ear possum instead even though it bothered me greatly. When we got outside Anya looked at me with concern in her eyes.
“I heard him.” I said.
“How did it make you feel.” she asked.
“I’m not ashamed of the way I love you. I don’t care who’s around. You mean more to me than what others think. I care what you think more than anyone, anyway.”
“Are you going to go home and whack it?”
“Probably.”
“I love you very much.” she chuckled.
“I love you very much. Thanks for meeting me here.”
“Thanks for not being late! Oh, and my Corona!”
“My pleasure, babe” I said as she came into my arms for a long hug as we both knew we wouldn’t see each other until next year as the pain would soon begin once we departed.
I stayed in my car as Anya drove away into the night. I had a nice time with her, but I felt bad. I never thought she would be affected by not ever receiving flowers from me. I then got out of my car and headed back toward RJ’s in contemplation of waiting for the guy who decided to poke fun at all I endured for a piece of happiness in my life. At times, I felt I was out of Anya’s league as my low self-esteem reappeared, but what made this guy think he was in her league? I felt I needed to cut him down to size, but I decided to put my hands in my pocket and head back to my car on this cold December night. Unfortunately, “whacking” was one of the ways I dealt with the missing, and it was always her and I each time I did, but that aspect of the relationship began to wear me down especially knowing the reality was she still shared her bed with another man. To know if I had not been with Anya, this aspect of the relationship would be fulfilled by someone else other than myself, but the desire for her sexually was so great, it’s the only thing I could do.
When I got home, I decided to send Anya texts to apologize for the flowers I never sent her.
ME: “Just thinking of you babe. You have really opened me up. I rarely talk about myself to anyone and I feel comfortable telling you anything and everything about me. I’ve never felt that comfortable with anyone before. I’ve never been this close to anyone. Besides my family I trust you more than anyone in this world.” I’ve never felt more comfortable looking into someone’s eyes. I’ve never gazed and gotten lost in someone’s eyes before. In fact, before I met you I was always self-conscious in public. I am just so into you I get lost everytime; I’m unaware of everything except you. I’ve always been reserved and personal. I feel I’m a hard man to know. Other than myself you know me better than anyone. I’ve never felt like I was in a different world with anyone before. When I’m with you there’s only one world, our world. Everyone else around us is a satellite lost in orbit like the guy who made that wisecrack as we were walking out. They r all just satellites taking our world in but forever lost in orbit.”
‘I’ve sent flowers to 2 girls before but they were always on occasions. If I was with you babe I would send you flowers for just being in love with me and for no real reason at all. They would come to you on any day of the year and not just on a day marked on a calendar. I used to be infatuated with the idea of being in love but I’ve never been truly in love before until I met you. I’ve never known anything greater or as powerful. Like the sun’s gravitational pull on the earth, I am constantly drawn to you and it is out of my control. I will love you until the day I die no matter what happens. I’m in love with a woman who is better than I could have dreamed of and believe me, I’ve done a lot of dreaming about her. It’s nice to have a face to see when I listen to all the love songs.”
‘No pressure, baby. You have been really good to me. You’ve been kind, thoughtful, considerate, caring and loving to and towards me. You’ve never stopped me from meeting someone else. This is my choice and I have my reasons why I want to see what happens. I believe in our love and your love for me.” I’ll be more mindful of the things I tell you, and I’m sorry what I said hurt you or made you sad. Thanks again for meeting me at RJ’s tonight. You looked so beautiful, as always. I love you forever. Sweet dreams.”
As the eve before Christmas Day came to be for the first time with Anya in my consciousness, I had never felt as content with life, a feeling of pure astonishment taken into consideration my emotional struggles. Anya texted me that morning with appreciation.
ANYA: “Good morning! Wow! Thx 4 ALL the texts last nite! Babe u didn’t hurt me. I was just a bit sad that I couldn’t receive flowers from u. I’m fine sweets.”
ME: “Ok, I feel better now. I was worried about what I said.”
ANYA: “What are you doing for Christmas eve?”
ME: “I’m going over my parent’s house. My mom makes these holly leaves and chocolate chip cookies every year. I wait all year for them so I’m going to grab some before Christmas so she has to make more.”
ANYA: “Ha! Have a great Christmas eve at your parent’s house. I miss you very much.”
ME: “Thanks babe. I miss you very much too.”
I didn’t want to ask Anya about her plans. I knew she celebrated Hanukkah, and it’s not like I didn’t respect the Jewish holiday, but it was Jackson’s religion she converted to, not the religion she was born in to, and so it hurt to hear about her allegiance to it. I know she celebrated it for her kids, and I could appreciate that, but anything she did for Jackson, I could no longer stomach as it added to the unknown variable and obscured her love for me.
I didn’t hear from Anya for the rest of the day and evening, and it depressed me. On one hand, this was the best holiday season I ever had but on the other hand, the times away from her especially on days and nights such as these, were unbearable. I had every intention to visit my parents on this Christmas eve, I was even on the Vincent Thomas Bridge, a mile away from their home when I decided my heart ached too much to enjoy myself, and as much as I wanted to taste my mother’s fresh holly leaves and her fresh out of the oven chocolate chip cookies, my heart wouldn’t allow me to. I didn’t want to bestow my sadness upon my parents. My mom didn’t need to hear my about my sadness, and she knew I was coming over the next day anyway. As I headed back over the bridge, I felt caught in its undertow as I stared up into one of its towers and into a star filled sky that boasted an orange moon above me. And it made me wonder what the view was like from its top. How I could be surrounded by so much beauty yet with all the world’s sadness just below me. No one ever made it to the top of the towers to leap from and into their own darkness before. People always jumped from the base of the bridge, and never ventured the climb to its apex to at least take in the beauty around them because they probably feared it could change their mind. The way I felt now, on a day that always brought me a sense of happiness, I would have jumped. Without Anya, I didn’t see any goodness in life, or any reason to be. If I was wrong about Anya’s love for me, I could never be right about anything. She wouldn’t be to blame, but only an unkind world as the damage was done well before I met her.
I didn’t fear death like most did. I felt death was a transition, not an end, but it didn’t mean I wasn’t afraid either. I just didn’t fear it as much as others did. I also found it remarkable most people of faith feared death. If you truly believed in God, wouldn’t death be the least of your fears? Why would death be treated as a sad occasion if they were going to a more beautiful place? These same people even prayed for people not to die? How could that be? Isn’t it an act of jealousy or selfishness for people who believed in God to pray for people not to meet Him? Here was the moment they claimed to live for and you’re praying for them to survive? To deny their passage into the next dimension? This was another reason why God was more Santa Claus than savior. I couldn’t even tell you what Christmas day truly represented. I knew Jesus was born. There was a star, some wise men and a manger thrown in there. Then there was the immaculate deception about a woman who got pregnant without making love. I hated to be so critical of The Bible because it brought my mom such relief and salvation, but all its stories were just well written fables, and nothing to be taken literally, perpetually open to misinterpretation. From David Koresh to Jim Jones and to the current day Evangelicals, they taught me all I wanted to know about God’s word. And there were some things in the Bible I loved, especially the excerpts my mother read to me at a time I really needed them. But even though I applied some of the Bible’s tenets to my decision making, the majority of them, I couldn’t place any faith in.
If God loved me so much why did I have my heart broken so many times? He created me, a sensitive being, so he knew the kind of person I was. He had to know the women he brought in my life before Anya were bad for me. Why would he allow them to take up a residence in my heart? I couldn’t get past that one for the life of me, no matter how many times my mother told me “everything happens for a reason”. Sure, it did, to destroy my life. To keep me unhappy for some crime I’m being eternally fined for, a felony I have no cognizance of. I didn’t understand God so there was no way I could rationalize his existence other than to instill morality through fear in people, and if he wasn’t going to look out for me from way up there, I had no time to believe in him because he seemed to give up on me a long time ago, and blessed others, like Jackson, who had a claim to the love of my life he didn’t deserve. As I got older, and as life pressed its fangs and released its venom into my heart, the less I believed in the fairy tale that was Jesus Christ.
That Christmas morning, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: “Merry Christmas! It’s raining!”
Her text warmed and broke me inside as it made me wish I could spend Christmas Day with her. How beautiful it would have been to have her at my parent’s house with me, or to even be with her parents. I didn’t care as long as she was by my side so I could talk to her, joke with her, and feel her next to me.
When I arrived at the house, my mother greeted me at the door in her green Christmas sweater and a Santa Claus hat that hung over one of her eyes as the sound of Brenda Lee’s voice filled the house.
“Merry Christmas, Honey!” she said as she gave me a big hug as I entered the door.
“Merry Christmas. What’s with all the buttons?” I asked as several were pinned to her green sweater.
“Oh, you know how much I love Christmas!” she said. “I thought they were festive. The kids at the school loved them.”
“Well, if any of those kiddos show up today, tell them to stay away from the holly leaves” as I grabbed a couple of her green dyed corn flakes.
“Don’t eat them all Landy! Family might be coming over too you know!”
“Like who?” I asked.
“Uncle Greg. Uncle Johnny. Uncle Jack. Maybe Uncle John. Aunt Gloria. Aunt Patty. Aunt Kathy. Aunt Lorraine…your cousin, Justin.”
“Hey, where are the chocolate chip cookies?”
“Oh no you don’t Landy.” She said. “I’m not telling you.”
“Oh come on, mom! Don’t do this to me especially when I know they just came out of the oven! I can smell them.”
“Ok, you can have one.” She said as she uncovered the cooking sheet. “Be careful, they might be a little hot.”
“One. Got it.” I said.
“Only one!” She reminded me before she left me alone with all of them.
“I’m only going to take one, Jeezus H.” I replied.
As I studied the cooking sheet to decide on which one to take, before I made my final selection, I turned back to look if she left the scene, and once I made certain she gone from the area and she couldn’t have known how many she made, I grabbed two of them. I then put one in my mouth and held the other one in my hand, but when I turned around to flee the crime scene, I bumped into someone.
“Landy!” My mother yelled.
“How the hell did you get over there?” I said in surprise. “Are you the matrix?”
“I told you only one!” She yelled again. “We need to save some for guests.”
“Ok, Ok.” I said as I stuffed my mouth.
“Would you like me to make you some oatmeal and cinnamon toast?”
“Yes, please.” I said as I could have lived off my mother’s oatmeal and cinnamon toast breakfasts as she always did this for me on Christmas morning, even after I moved away. I then ventured outside the kitchen and ran into my dad in the hallway.
“Merry Christmas, Dad.” I said as I gave him a hug.
“Merry Christmas.” he said. “How are things? How’s the job?”
“Going good.” I said.
“Your mother told me you got promoted.”
“I got promoted to partner.” I said. “But I won’t see the raise until June.”
“I always told you there were three kinds of people in this world. Those who make things happen. Those who watch things happen and those who say “What happened?”
“I remember.” I said.
“Congratulations. You’ve earned it. You’ve made things happen.”
“Thanks Dad.”
My Dad had a lot of sayings, and to say they hadn’t helped me in my life at times would
be false. I always remembered the time he wrote on the chalkboard “Landyn does not make college.”. He was no doubt a part of my success, but if I had been a weaker person, he easily could have contributed to my failure as well. Since he never went to college, and things worked out for him, I don’t think he appreciated I had a college degree. He had my life already written out for me at the docks, as once again sometimes I felt he took his lack of being able to do the things he wanted to do in life on me. I know he loved my mother. He didn’t marry her because of any obligation, but my Dad didn’t appreciate the times I felt the need to defend myself after all he gave up to have me.
As the day progressed, my uncles, aunts and cousins visited and it was nice to see them all again and catch up. I was blessed with great cousins and family as I seemed to appreciate them more now that I was in a happier state of mind. One of my cousins was reading the “Twilight” series so I was able to talk to her about a subject I normally wouldn’t be able to.
Regardless of all the time I spent on this day with others, Anya never left my mind for a second, and almost like telepathy, the minute I began to miss her more as the day went on, she met me there in a text.
ANYA: “Missing u like crazy.”
ME: “Missing u like crazy too.”
When Anya texted me, as I caught up with my cousins, aunts and uncles, I couldn’t help but imagine her there with me. I fantasized how well she would mesh with everyone and it bummed me out I couldn’t introduce her as I held out hope that next year I could.
I then took a break from the chaos of the day and decided to go in my mother’s room to get away to read some of my continuing education course, but before I entered, I saw my mother, through the crack of the door, sitting on the edge of her bed. She seemed to be staring off into space and taking a breather so I didn’t want to keep her from doing so. Before I walked away however, she took off her Santa Claus hat and put her hand against her completely hairless head in exasperation. I quickly stepped away from the door to assess what I witnessed. I’m sure if I walked in at that moment, she would have told me the chemo treatments caused her to lose her hair, but I felt this was an intrusion of her privacy, as I jettisoned back to the time I accidentally saw when she unloaded my electric football game I wanted for Christmas into her car. I then walked away from the peace of her room, and into the chaos of a guest filled living room with a lot more on my mind than ever before.
The rest of the day felt bittersweet. I didn’t feel as alone, but after I saw my mom in her bedroom the spirit of the holidays eluded me. I was so engrossed in my relationship with Anya and trying to catch up on all the work I fell behind on, it came at the price of spending less time with my mother as I opted not to bring my loneliness around for her to see. I left that day with five of her Vicodin pills from one of the few bottles of two hundred she had around. Just a number of various pill bottles that began to accumulate for a reason my mother kept from me. Although she always made sure I had a great Christmas, this year felt much different as my heart ached for two exclusive yet mutually inclusive reasons. As I prepared to sleep off the day, Anya sent me a rare “after ten p.m.” text.
ANYA: “How was ur Christmas?”
ME: “Beside me gaining ten pounds it was good. Thought about you all day. How was yours? How are your parents?”
ANYA: “Ha ha! I had u on my mind all day too. My parents r good. My dad left early cuz bad headache but he’s ok. Urs?”
ME: “My dad is doing well. The chemo seems to be sapping my mom’s energy though but she appears to be ok. When are you leaving for your skiing trip with the kids?”
ANYA: “I’m sorry babe. In two days.”
One more holiday event left for my heart to endure. I decided not to get into details about my mom with Anya right before her trip with her kids as I didn’t think it fair to her. No doubt though her skiing trip would be harder on my heart because of the added sadness I felt about my mom. It upset me I felt this additional missing at all, and there was nothing I could do about it but accept all the plans she made as if I didn’t exist in her life even after all we’ve shared. I didn’t want to hold this against her, and I knew she struggled too, but at the same time this heartache was the reason why I initially walked away. She even told me I broke her heart, so I went all in to mend it for her, and it only seemed to leave my heart broken as after all we’ve shared she still didn’t know. Or was this a not too subtle hint that this skiing trip was her way of saying I do know? I refused to believe that as I found this to be more of an effort not to figure things out even though in essence it was an act of someone who had it figured out already. I felt like a shipwrecked sailor as he clung to a piece of driftwood in the middle of a dark unforgiving ocean who could only wait out his fate.
How could hope be all I had now? The only thing I could do as I rode this emotional roller coaster on of all days Christmas, was to try and sleep it off.
The next morning, I awoke to a text from Anya.
ANYA: “Good morning! We survived Christmas!”
Her words woke me up to the one thing about Christmas that felt different was relief The holiday season was finally over instead of being depressed when I was a kid. Every single day Anya was surrounded by people, and although there were pluses and minuses to that, every single day I came home to four walls that became boisterous whenever this schism was recognized. My heart now, especially during the holiday season, ached immensely and the hardest thing about it was I had to keep it from her because the less she understood my position, the less I understood hers and I feared to mimic the loudness of the four walls around me.
ME: “Good morning! I used to get a little sad the day after Christmas but not this year! How are you?”
ANYA: “I know what u mean! I’m good. Just trying to make sense of the aftermath. My house is a mess! U better start working on your cushion cuz I’m on page 290. How r u?”
ME: “OMG! You stole my cushion?! I’m just lying in bed and didn’t realize it’s already 10!”
ANYA: “Ha! I believe it cuz u can’t tell if it’s morning or nite in ur room!”
I loved that she was the only other person in this dimension who knew what my room was like, but it only made it that much harder to stomach the thought of anyone else knowing what she already knew about me.
A little later that afternoon, I texted her to see how her day was going.
ANYA: “Hi! Rushed trying to download music, pack and get work done b4 I leave. I just realized I’ve been meaning to burn u CD’s but haven’t had the chance.”
ME: “Yeah! What’s the big idea promising me CD’s and never burning them for me now that I have an iPod?!?! I’m totally kidding!!! I don’t know how you find the time to squeeze in all you do. I appreciate the thought! Hang in there, babe!”
ANYA: “Ha! I’ll work on it as soon as I get back including the pink book mark I owe u!”
ME: “Alright! I’m going to hold you to both! Haha! Love you!”
ANYA: “Love you too!”
I dreaded the negative emotions that awaited me during her ski trip, but unlike her San Diego trip, she let me know about it so I could be better emotionally prepared. It would only be a few day until she returned so then my heart could return back to normal. It helped to know though this trip included the kids, when the trip to Spain did not, and I remembered how badly my heart ached when I learned she was on Tenerife, one of the Canary Islands alone with another man. A pain I never dreamed she would have ever allowed me to experience, and if you told me she would continue to live her life under a façade months later, I would have never believed it. I felt confident however once I could relay the news of my partner promotion to her, things would change.
At around four in the afternoon, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: “Hope ur day is going well. I miss u.”
ME: “As well as it can be. I hope yours is going well. I miss u too.”
ANYA: “I miss you very much baby. I love you.”
ME: “I love you too.”
How well could my day be going, when I knew at this time tomorrow. I would feel sad as she continued to live the life I could only dream at this time about having with her. I didn’t want to question her love for me, it wasn’t fair when I felt so much of it, but when we were apart, and she played the role of Mrs. Caiaphas, my heart severely ached. I shouldn’t let an innocuous skiing trip get me down. After all, it was for the kids and “the kids love to ski!”, but why wasn’t I told about their love for skiing in the beginning and that was behind her reasons she still stay married to an abusive husband even with me in her life? I wouldn’t have wanted Anya to leave to be with me just yet, but how could I not even receive at least a promise? Most people would argue even if she promised me, it didn’t mean she would leave, but the one true thing about Anya I knew without a doubt was she took promises seriously. So seriously enough she had yet to make one to me, but I felt, for the sake of the relationship, a promise from her would at least make me feel safer. To build my trust in her love. I took promises seriously too, but let’s face it, promises are not hard to break them when you don’t make them.
What made my heart ache and my mind race even more was to imagine another Europe trip with Jackson this year. If she agreed to go, how would I react? I feared if she did, it would put me in the position to approach Jackson about our relationship. I just wouldn’t be able to tolerate that kind of disrespect for my heart. If she truly loved me, like she just claimed to, then she would make things right, and not let things to ever come to that. A trip to Europe with Jackson after all we’ve shared, after all I’ve sacrificed and given, I would simply need to learn if she truly loved me. If she would go to bat for me the way I have gone to bat for her. If she believed in not only our love, but love in general. In the meantime though, all I could do was hope that day would never come.
ANYA: “Goodnight sweets!”
ME: “Goodnight beautiful!”
I just hoped she would tire of the mistrust eventually, like any decent human being would, but do the right thing about it and not go back into a lie, but into the face of the truth. I would never be able to understand after all we’ve shared how she could l ever look her husband in the eyes and stay in her marriage. If she was able to do that, then I would feel completely played for a fool. My heart wasn’t for her amusement, and she wasn’t entitled to all my feelings. My heart carried costs with it, and there were consequences. This was no free ride and I made that known from day one when I told her I was not in her life only to fill a void, and I walked away because I didn’t want to come in the middle of something that was salvageable. I would feel nothing else but authentically betrayed, as her holiday plans left me to feel such because of their clandestine nature. Although unintentional, in way she did conspire against me with the man she claimed not to love in order to plan them. Were they discussed in bed before or after sex? How could she add to her usual plans if she knew they would hurt me? All I knew was this; next year would not be like this. Next year, the truth, something everyone seemed to despise and fear in this world other than myself, would make its grand appearance. If it took me six years to finally move on from Denise, and the feelings I had for her were miniscule to all I felt for Anya, how long would it take me to get past Anya? This is why I knew I didn’t have any options if this didn’t work out. If Anya turned out to be essentially a fraud like her husband, I couldn’t keep living in a mostly fraudulent world because I’d never trust again.
I remembered when she said “What am I supposed to tell the kids? I can’t go skiing with them anymore?”, and how I believed this question was answered way back last December when she decided to pursue a relationship with me. Did she honestly think I would have pursued this relationship in any way if I knew she had no answers to these types of questions our love would be faced with? What bothered most about the question though was not the question itself, but her lack of any sense of responsibility for why I was in her life. As if I blindly chose to be here, and never walked away from her when we first met. I guess it was better to keep lying to them like she did for years, and I shouldn’t dare impose on her to be honest with them. That I should take the stance they were kids anyway so why not continue to pull a fast one over on them? Her question put me in the position to play the bad guy for just acting on the feelings she not only encouraged but allowed me to have to. Why couldn’t Anya and I take them skiing? What made her think I couldn’t be a part of their lives too if she loved me so much? I wouldn’t go with them without her so she could still take them skiing. This was not me versus the kids, this was me and the kids. This left me to feel she wasn’t proud of me at all and unworthy of our love being vouched for, and for a woman who loved me, how could I not feel that way? She shared every daily detail about her kids with me. So much so it allowed me to fall in love with them too as I now dreamt of not only being with Anya, but also getting to know them, and now she attacked me with them? I just didn’t understand why she would put me in the position of breaking up a family when she told me the only reason she was still there was because no one would be there for her if she were to leave. She even told me she believed no one would accept her with her children and I’ve done nothing but show her that wasn’t true. Why did she make me feel so special by sharing their lives with me just to use them against me? I felt even more nauseas when I flashbacked to my relationship with Karyn, the receptionist, who couldn’t date me because she was still going through some “damage” from her last relationship. I understood and what happened? I found out she was dating the rich VP of the Company instead. When my experience with women had the same characteristics; sob story-betrayal-trust given-excuses given then confusion and mistrust, it gave me no choice but to pursue the truth on my own as Anya generated confusion and mistrust with her skiing trip and holiday plans. Of course, I didn’t want to feel what I did, and I know I’ve been wrong to feel way most of the time, but I couldn’t deny it’s how I felt at times like this. I trusted her to not lead me somewhere for nothing and to not let go of my hand in the dark.
I didn’t want to tell her how her trip and holiday plans made me feel. I didn’t want to feel like an “obligation” to her, but the truth was I felt she was responsible for our relationship more than I was. I trusted this was what she wanted and the kids would not be in the middle of this in any way. I think married people, in general, would find it a blessing to feel love again. And I’m sure to lose it would hurt a little, but they would not be going back to loneliness because they had someone. When you’re single though, and you loved someone like I loved Anya, you don’t want to feel love if you’re just going to lose it anyway. To just feel love, to be okay with just the feel for a while, is fine with married people, but my motivation was to feel love for the rest of my life. To never lose the love I felt. I felt Anya assumed I was okay to just feel love even if I lost it, but she should have known I wasn’t okay with that when I walked away after we first met. When I asked her what I needed to do to get her to leave. When I told her I feared all the feelings I had for her and it’s why I left.
The next day, after a night full of negative emotions, I felt I had walked right into a horror movie. As the day progressed, and I never heard from her, I decided to go to the mall to get my mind off of things, but I couldn’t take it and caved. I didn’t want to know anything about her trip so I texted her to see how far along she was on “New Moon” and to tell her I hoped she was staying safe. An hour later, she responded.
ANYA: “Yes babe. I miss you too. On page 340! I think of u everytime. I love you.”
I remembered this text coming my way the minute I stepped into a dressing room to try on a new pair of jeans. I had lost so much weight, I needed new jeans. I tried on a couple of pairs but my mind was elsewhere. As I exited the department store, I tried to put a positive spin on everything. In a few days from now, all I felt would be over. I turned in early on the first night of her trip and I felt even better when Anya text me in the afternoon.
ANYA: “How r u?”
ME: “I’m having a tough time but I’m okay. Miss you to death. How r u?”
ANYA: “I’m ok. It is tough. Skiing alone right now. Will meet up with Carolyn after lunch. I miss u to death too. What r u doing today?”
I was surprised to learn she went skiing with Carolyn and her family as well, and I didn’t know what to make of it. Did they all hang out together or was it just her and Carolyn? I just didn’t know how to feel so I decided not to.
ME: “I’m not sure but it’s probably a good idea for me to get out of the apartment and do something.”
ANYA: “That’s good! Have fun whatever you decide to do! I’m here till the 1st. I love you.”
Upon receipt of Anya’s text, my hand began to tremble as my mind took in the significance of her skiing trip lasting until the first of January, as this trip wasn’t just for the kids, but to also celebrate her birthday and new year’s.
And I contemplated a response as confusion and mistrust settled in.