“Lies don’t end relationships; the truth does.”

~ Shannon L. Alder

I needed reality on this St. Patrick’s Day. If Anya felt San Diego was a reason to continue a fantasy, she would never belong to me. Her mixed feelings, the day after San Diego, created an emotional letdown we both wanted to avoid. As beautiful as the night together was, everything Mitch spewed at me, started to stick. If all she felt for me truly was real, especially after San Diego, certainly she’d be able to promise one day we’d be together. She didn’t have to give me an exact date, but if she truly loved me, and her feelings for me were real to her because my feelings definitely were to me, she would at least make the promise. She couldn’t simply dream and fantasize about us on my heart and mind’s dime anymore. After San Diego, I needed her love more than ever. I needed to know the source of her anger at the games and if these were feelings she still had for Jackson, or was this directed at the fact we couldn’t be together? What was the walk with her friends about before the baseball game? Did she confide in them and not me? Why? Because I’d tell her the truth she didn’t want to hear? Did she feel guilty about the direction of her anger? Why would she care if she had me in her life? Why would she care after San Diego? Why did that woman at the game bother her so deeply? I also needed to know the reason why she never performed felatio with her husband. Was it because of the kids and the lack of privacy or was it truly the infidelities? Was it because she didn’t want to, or because she was only afraid to? Why could she love me without a care, even fulfill an intimate fantasy without any restraint, but not be willing to make me a promise and leave a man who had cheated on her numerous times?

I hoped the next day would bring a change for me emotionally, but because I couldn’t sleep well, the following day only brought a tougher challenge. I had a lot of hard questions within I feared to ask, but I felt they steamrolled over me like a tank in Tiananmen Square. Thankfully, Anya texted me in the morning, and it helped to slow this Express Train in my head down.

ANYA: “Good morning! Sorry about last night. I came home w/a lot of negative emotions (baseball game) and I just wanted to shut down. Didn’t get much reading in.”

Anya asked me as we laid together in bed if I she had ruined me. Although I denied she did, this was an example of how I felt ruined as it felt she shut down on me and not herself. Anya’s silence wrecked me inside even more to know she didn’t turn to me at a time she needed someone. She didn’t for one reason, she didn’t want to hear what I had to say on it. She didn’t want to hear from the person she brought aboard this sinking ship, that she had only one life preserver on board, and it was for her. She allowed and encouraged me to feel so much for her as she fulfilled an intimate fantasy for me without restraint, however at a time she should have talked to me, she didn’t. When she was ganged up on at the dinner table months ago, and her mother in law had a poor opinion on how she handled Katie’s disobedience at the dinner table, she came to me. Now, she tucked things inside, because she knew what she would hear; it was time for her to leave her husband, or at least make a promise to the man who trusted her to be in a position that left him in ruins. I felt if she truly loved me, the way she showed me in San Diego, she would have not thought twice about getting away to tell me what was on her mind. Just days ago, she dreamt of our wedding. She even spoke of plans of getting married first before we had one with family and friends in attendance. She even wore her necklace in an act of defiance of her marriage, as a symbol of where she wanted to be. I never gave her the necklace in exchange for a promise, but I don’t know how she could wear it, and not think a promise would be the right thing to give me. She didn’t want to talk to me for one simple reason; she knew it was more evidence for me to prove she should leave her marriage. That what I had to say would make our love beyond a rational choice. It pained me deeply to feel she didn’t want that, but it was more than alright to allow me to fall deeply in love with her and to communicate freely Jackson’s infidelities to me which encouraged me to be ruined. Before I made this assessment though, I had to know the kind of emotions she felt at the games as I tried to determine the source of her true anger.

ME: “Good morning! What do you feel when you have “negative emotions”? Mostly anger?”

ANYA: “Yes”

When her response lacked proper punctuation at its end, it suggested I was on to something. That there was something she didn’t want to tell me because she knew I’d have a strong opinion about it. And rightfully so, I was in her life for a reason, and she led me to this point for the reasons she spoke of, on top of his infidelities. I always supported her anger though; not that I wanted her to feel itr, but only for her to know it was justified. She didn’t want to hear how staying for the kids was contradictive to her invite to San Diego, and allowance of my love for her.

ME: “Do you express it or hold it inside?”

ANYA: “Inside”

ME: “Ok.”

ANYA: “Don’t like to keep revisiting the past.”

Her consistent non-usage of a period to end her sentences suggested my questions annoyed her as I also sensed anger in them. How could she think after all we shared; her past would ever disappear without any chance of a revisit? If she revisited her past with Jackson, couldn't it only mean good things for us? I wanted to see her side too, and maybe she feared her kids may overhear something again and that was why she shut down after the game? Especially after Katie’s essay? If she didn’t revisit her past, I'd have never known her enough to be in ruins. Now, fifteen months later after San Diego, she should not be afraid to revisit it at all with Jackson. Did she realize how her past affected my life? How her past allowed and encouraged me to now be "ruined" by it if she stayed? Her past even affected another man’s life, who described it as “tragic”. How could she not acknowledge it was her past with the man she laid next to that affected lives around her? I know she tried to hide it inside for her kids, the problem was she had this man in her life who made her his. A man she asked if he wanted to get a room in San Diego. I tried desperately not to lose it especially when I know she had a rough night at the game. I didn’t want to let her know how it made me feel when she shut down on me, especially after a beautiful night in San Diego. How her mixed emotions made me feel as if she played a game with my heart. How I felt she used me only to feel love again, and never had any real intentions to leave. How I believed she may have still loved her husband. How I couldn’t understand why she didn’t revisit the past when there lied a chance for her to leave and to choose an honest life over a lie. Why she didn’t see this as an opportunity to do the right thing but instead decide not to revisit the source of her anger, as if I didn’t have a reason to exist in her life at all.

ME: “If you’re angry 15 years later, do you think this will ever just be in the past? I guess it scares my heart that you hide it. Maybe I’m just crazy? Idk, u walked w/friends yesterday, had a meeting, and u didn’t tell me about the game at all. Not that you had to, but it’s a little worrisome. I guess what I’m trying to say is please don’t hide your feelings from me. I need to know how you’re truly feeling whether it hurts me or not so I can better understand your silence. To have a night as great as Saturday and to come home knowing you’re in bed with another man is pure torture, especially one who cheated on you and gave you these feelings of anger. I just wish you would ask him for separation at this point. Then, we’ll get married and keep it a secret for a while. Ha!”

I just wanted to be honest with her about the way I felt and thought it was important for her to know. I didn’t want to put more pressure on her that she already had and wanted to present it to her in a way she wouldn’t feel defensive. I was just miffed how she could allow someone to feel so much for her then choose to ignore what led him to her in the first place. She told me all she needed was someone to be there for her to leave him. She had every reason in the world to leave him, yet how could she still not know if she ever could? Why couldn’t she do right thing and just ask for a separation for now? Why allow the man, who showed her what love and loyalty was all about, to suffer so much? Why did she still belong to a man who caused her unhappiness and anger when she wished to belong to me? I couldn’t believe that woman at the games, placed on the same team as her son was coincidence. I felt this way because I loved Anya so much, I felt the Universe believed in our goodness. That this was it’s way to bring two people who belonged to each other, together. Anya’s inability to see this as coincidence scared me enough to question if her love and intentions to be with me, were just fantasy, and too irrational in her eyes for reality, after she allowed and encouraged me to feel so much.

ANYA: “I didn’t know what I was going to feel until I got to the game. It’s diff everytime. I have good days and bad days. I don’t talk about it cuz I don’t want to beat a dead horse over and over. It’s pointless. He obviously knows and feels my anger. I was afraid you were going to go through a hard time after Sat night. This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. I’m like poison. You think you’re going to be ok but it destroys you everytime. I don’t want to get into it right now.”

I had to respect her wish, as I felt out of sorts at work and needed to regain my focus. I wanted to be sensitive to her, because I know this wasn’t easy on her at all. I didn’t want her to feel like “poison”, but she fed me “poison” fifteen months ago when she allowed and encouraged me to fall in love with her. She went on a “walk” with friends. Then she had a “meeting” and then she had an emotional shutdown at the game. Those things didn’t feel right to me because they made me feel she hid something from me, and when she shut me out, I felt wronged. After she wished she belonged to me, here was the perfect chance to do something about that wish. Her destiny and fate laid it right down in front of her, and even after she loved me enough to fulfill a fantasy of mine, she chose to shut it all off as if after fifteen years the way his infidelities made her feel would just go away? How could she call it a “dead horse” when she knew that same dead horse was the reason, she “didn’t want to get into it right now” with me? It’s been fifteen years and she still felt anger with Jackson over his gross disrespect of her heart and the family they built. He cheated on her as she held the second member of their growing family inside her. It was time to put her philandering husband, who could care less about her pregnancy and the institution of marriages, to bed for good. To beat the dead horse for the last time by saying “Goodbye, I’ve found a real love. Not a love that cheats, but one that respects the beauty of my heart and mind. One that will only hold me and never desert me. A love that is loyal to me even when it dreams. A once in a lifetime kind of love that will never hurt me the way you did.” I know she worried for her kids, but wouldn’t her love for me see the strength in Katie’s essay and not just her weakness? Something more than Katie’s essay kept her there next to Jackson. The only way this made any sense was if she felt dishonest about her true feelings for me. If she wished she belonged to me, if she truly loved me and wanted to be with me, what stopped her from further pummeling the dead horse?

As the day progressed and turned into twilight, Anya appeared to have shut down on me completely as I couldn’t deny how her silence after San Diego made me feel. I convinced myself if the roles were reversed, she would be just as upset as I was, especially if the woman at the game still angered her fifteen years later. I wanted to tear away the veil she wore whenever she was at home as I couldn’t make it this easy for her to be dishonest with me. I needed to challenge the unknown variable at home so she couldn’t manipulate my emotions with ease. She couldn’t just wear my necklace and leave me to believe she truly loved me when in reality she was probably too afraid to wear it at home. She hid something from me I needed to know, and I reserved the right to know the real reason why she shut down. I’ve treated her too good to deserve the silence only her husband deserved.

ME: “I haven’t heard from you all day. Did I do something wrong? Why are you shutting down on me, babe? Your silence is rough on my heart after our beautiful night in San Diego.”

ANYA: “Please don’t be mad at me. It hasn’t been easy for me either since Sat. I want to repeat that nite every nite with u. I’m just shutting down cuz I’m sad. I love u.”

She had told me earlier she shut down due to her anger at the baseball game. Now it was because she was sad? She didn’t seem sad at all, jumping right back into her life as if Saturday was just a dream--as if it didn’t really happen at all. Only meant for shits and giggles, and nothing more, even as she wore a big piece of my heart along her breastplate. After nearly sixteen months together, this didn’t set well with me as the time arrived to learn where I truly stood in her life.

ME: “I’m sorry but if you’re going to shut down on me after all the love you’ve shown me for almost sixteen months now, I can’t let you just only promise me a broken heart. I love you too.”

ANYA: “I don’t understand.”

ME: “That’s the problem. You don’t really try to understand. I’m sorry but I am really confused how you could love me so much yet still fight your true feelings of anger in order to stay with him. To continue to belong to him when you told me just the other day you wished you belong to me.”

ANYA: “Why don’t you understand it’s not you against him? Didn’t you read Katie’s letter? Did I not tell you about her struggles? I spent a weekend with her. My heart broke.”

ME: “I read every single word and you know what I saw in each of them? I saw a very strong girl. A girl who had the wisdom enough to know change is “necessary for growth”.”

ANYA: “Strong yes, but vulnerable and young.”

I didn’t want to argue with her about her children. Yes, they were both vulnerable and young, but they weren’t weak. What were they vulnerable to most other kids their age weren’t? “Divorces happen all the time.”. “Nothing is impossible.” She told me those very things when they were a year younger and more vulnerable. Katie’s letter showed there was strength in her and wisdom. Things other kids her age didn’t have. I just felt if she truly loved me, she would have clung to the positives in Katie’s essay, and not all the negatives. I didn’t understand how Anya missed Katie’s message to her that “change was necessary for growth.”. She even told me one time, all she needed was my “love” to leave Jackson. Now, it seemed they were just empty words of a love nourished from the nectar of her fantasy, while my love fed off the stone of reality. It just didn’t seem that Anya believed in love anymore, and I felt defeated.

ME: “I’m dying inside here. I miss you so much. It kills.”

ANYA: “I know baby. I am too.”

ME: “I’m sorry if I’m being hurtful to you right now. I love you so much. This is really hard.”

ANYA: “Maybe SD was a mistake. I’m so sorry. I thought it would be good for us, but it just reminded us of what we don’t have. I miss u so much.”

I wanted to scale back on my emotions, but how could she be okay with these emotions if they were truly the same ones I felt? How could they rip me to pieces yet she could go back and only be torn in a spot or two? I sensed a large schism between our feelings, and for her to ask if I wanted to go to San Diego, in essence allowed me to, knowing how deeply I felt about her, how could she now tell me it was a mistake? How could she even dare to say it was a mistake at all? To say San Diego was a mistake would be to say the entire last fifteen months were. Why was it a mistake? Because her mixed feelings brought on by her silence affected me to the point I struggled? She knew how much she meant to me. She knew how much I loved her. Her dreams of a wedding and wanting to wear something of mine, regardless of what I paid, manifested into not only trust of her feelings for me but also San Diego never being considered a mistake. Why did she turn into a dog? I never wronged her. I never loved her and went off into another life. I stayed consistent every single second of every waking day. For it to remind her of what we didn’t have, then why tell me she wished she belonged to me? Why did she ask me if I wanted to take her daughter to the convention? Why did she perform fellatio on me? How could she text that with a straight face when an opportunity to change that existed the night at the baseball games? If she missed me so much, why didn’t she pummel the dead horse into its extinction? Why did she take my life from me? These were the kind of texts that challenged her love for me in my mind. When she had the courage to live her fantasy in my reality. We had a lot more than she thought we had after I had given her nearly sixteen months of my life. I may have been her fantasy, but she was my reality, and what she texted made that more real than ever.

ME: “It was a beautiful night, but I want it to mean something to you. I know it means something to you, but it meant everything to me. I feel there is a large gap between your something and my everything.”

She jumped right back in bed with another man every night while I went to bed at night with a ghost. I could not explain for the life of me how she could bring me so close, without any fear, when she knew her arrangements at home while I returned home each night to no one but torturous thoughts and a love I trusted she believed in. I trusted after all she went through with Jackson, after all the love I gave her, all the sacrifices I made that left me in absolute ruins, she knew what love was.

ANYA: “It meant everything to me too. I only had beautiful memories of it but now I see it as a mistake. I was afraid of this. I don’t want you to hurt. I did it again.”

ME: “It was not a mistake unless you don’t truly love me. I’m only hurt b/c you shut down on me. Of all the times you choose to do that, you do it after Saturday night. Please don’t do that to me. I don’t deserve that.”

ANYA: “Shutting down was not b/c of SD. I just wanted to take a break from that person at the baseball game. Didn’t feel like talking about it. It’s my right.”

I agreed with her. It was her right not to talk about it, however she should have also exercised her right to be silent about her husband’s transgressions that led me here. Since her silence affected me, I felt I had a right to know why after a beautiful night together I barely heard from her. She shut down on me because she knew I’d question her sanity to stay, and after Saturday night, I had a whale of an argument against it. Sometimes I felt the only reason she loved me so deeply was to purposely drive me crazy. To give her the excuse I was psycho, so she created a reason to leave me. At this particular time, after Saturday night, knowing how strongly I felt about her, this is exactly what she tried to do. If I revealed my fantasies, she would use them as devices to drive me even more crazy than I already felt. If she loved me as much as I loved her, why did I feel crazy to question it? I learned fifteen years later she was still angered by her husband’s gross disrespect of her heart. Her solution was to turn a blind eye to it and shut it out, as if it would just magically disappear if she slept on it. As much as it irritated me, I loved her to death but was now at a crossroad.

ME: “Your shutdown wasn’t because of SD?”

ANYA: “Nope.”

ME: “Oh, I thought it was b/c of SD. You said it was earlier.”

ANYA: “I think it was a combo of everything.”

I hated to give her a hard time, but the basic math didn’t add up. First, she said it was the girl at the game, then she said she shutdown because she felt sad because she missed me. The problem was, I didn’t feel missed at all, but abandoned. Love was supposed to catch the ones who fell, but she put her arms out through her texts, but with no intention to catch me, but rather to find fault in me.

ME: “Ok babe. I’m not the typical guy. It was an emotional experience for me b/c of what I shared with you on Saturday. I’m deeply in love with you. It’s no joke what I’m feeling. I was not expecting a shutdown of any kind, babe especially after Saturday night. You didn’t tell me you had a baseball game that night. You didn’t tell me you had a meeting so I don’t know the reason for a shut down. All I know is you’re silent and that’s not like you after a time we spend together like that. You don’t usually leave me in the dark about things like that so I didn’t know what to think. If you were in my shoes, you would think the worst too.”

ANYA: “No you are not and that’s why I’m in love with you. I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

Anya’s text seemed to show she understood how I felt, and her apology seemed sincere as well. It was the first real sense of comfort I felt since our Saturday night ended.

ME: “I’m sorry if I hurt you too.”

I left our textversation still a bit unsettled but in a better state of mind. As the night progressed though, a dark cloud opened up upon me as I realized tonight was St. Patrick’s Day, and I hadn’t heard from her. Scenarios began to ruthlessly play in my mind, and each one I visited had her and Jackson together, and the façade alive and well even after Our night together in San Diego. It began to weigh on my mind how she could love me so much, allow me to feel the way I did, and could easily go home only to step into a party with her husband or her friends. Even those friends who knew everything about Anya and me. I then visualized her having a couple of green beers or shots and then while intoxicated jumping into bed naked with her husband, the dead horse, the man who she told me horrific things about that brought me to this point of ruin. I again couldn’t shake off why she got so angry at the games. Why didn’t she share her anger with me? On this night, as these logical scenarios played in my head, it seemed a cold hard truth stared me right in the face; she still had feelings for him. The real reason she was able to stay married to him. I reasoned, if I were to show up at the baseball games, and if Jackson knew Anya and I at one time had a relationship, wouldn’t he be just as angry as Anya at the games seeing her old flame? Anya had to be as emotional about Jackson as much as he would be emotional about her. Otherwise, why would she care so much? If I were Anya, and I was truly in love with someone else and I had plans to be with him, why would I be angry at all? In fact, I’d thank her for it. If Anya truly loved me, why did this still bother her? Why did she still climb naked in bed next to another man? How could she ever think I’d ever be okay falling deeply in love with her, especially a married woman, if that never changed or still went on? When I didn’t hear from her of the rest of the evening, St. Patrick’s night, after she knew all I felt for her especially after our night in San Diego together, I made the only decision I was left with. That St Patrick’s Day eve would be the night she understood my heart, feelings and emotions were all too real.

ME: “What you’re doing to me isn’t right.”

ANYA: “What’s wrong?”

ME: “Why r u shutting me out?”

ANYA: “What? What r u talking about?”

ME: “My heart and my feelings are real. Very real. You know what I’m talking about.”

ANYA: “Why r u doing this? Idk!”

ME: “You don’t know? How could you say that? You are shutting down on me!”

ANYA: “I thought we were fine?”

ME: “I thought so too until I didn’t hear from you tonight. Something doesn’t feel right to me and I think you owe me an explanation.”

ANYA: “OMG! My Bunko group had a gathering and I went! Is that so wrong to be with my friends?”

Anya sounded like Katie, a thirteen year old. Just a few weeks ago, she sent me a letter on Valentine’s Day saying she felt like she wasn’t there for Katie, yet here she was with her friends at a “Bunko gathering”? For the first time, I didn’t believe Anya as this was not just a Bunko gathering but also a St. Patrick’s Day party. If this was truly a “Bunko” game among the girls, she would have texted me about it, just like the night she did when she went over a friend’s house for the Academy Awards “Pj party” and “The Bachelor” finale, which she claimed to bring Katie along to. Now I lost my trust in her for truly the first time ever as I caught her in a half lie. This only proved she did me wrong, and how could she? How could she do the man wrong who truly respected and loved her? You know how? Because I was a nice man. Because I cared about her well-being. Because Jackson’s money held more weight than my love for her. She got what she wanted from me, and now I was used up, ruined for anyone else. She siphoned my love for her until she, stole my sense of self, as I felt like I had been raped. If she had zero plans to ever be with me, after what we shared on Saturday night, after she wore my necklace along her breastplate and fulfilled a “fantasy”, how did a rape victim feel any less than I did right now? I never gave her permission to love me that deeply if she planned to stay and still sleep with her husband? To continue to build the façade of their marriage around friends? Friends that knew about our relationship. How could she share something so special with me, leave me emotionally distraught, almost traumatized, and then just go out with her friends and lay next to her husband as if the night in San Diego never happened at all? For the first time I was not just hurt and sad, I was angry with her for what appeared to be a complete game with my emotions.

ME: “This isn’t the Anya I know. You usually text me something to tell me where you’re headed for the evening. You did during the Academy Awards PJ party. You did at “The Bachelor” finale. You know what you’re doing, Anya. I want to know the truth. You’re hiding something from me that I need to know.”

ANYA: “Ok you’re freaking out and you need to stop!”

When I read this text, it brought me back to the psychology behind her love, and the fear I began to have that she loved me deeply only to drive me berserk. She did this intentionally, her purpose to drive me crazy enough that I’d either leave or give her a reason to leave me, as if there was something wrong with me for feeling so strongly. She lovebombed me not because she loved me, but because she wanted to drive me insane so she had a reason to end the relationship. When that didn’t work, she started to ask me about my fantasies, so she’d have more devices at her disposal. So, I looked like the bad guy, and she had a viable reason to part. If she truly loved me, she’s never text “you’re freaking out and you need to stop”; the first time I ever heard such words come from her. All those times she hurt; I was always there for her to make sure she felt safe. On this night, I seemed to learn she only cared about herself and her good time at the expense of my heart and all I ever fought for her to have.

ME: “I have every right to freak out. I’m in love with you. Please don’t make me seek the answers out on my own.”

ANYA: “What? What is wrong with you?”

ME: “I refuse to live in your fantasy world any more. I want us to be real, and I need to know if we are. I want to be with you.”

ANYA: “Why r u so angry? What did I do? Please stop! I’m begging you!”

For the last fifteen months, I tried everyday to make a real effort to understand why she did the things she did. To understand why she struggled yet she couldn’t even grasp, let alone tried to understand, how after our night in San Diego was more intimate and special than other nights we spent together. She treated San Diego just like the previous times we spent with each other. Why was I angry? How could she live her life as if San Diego never happened? As if I didn’t exist in her life? That after all the love I gave her and all the loneliness I felt because of the pain she shared with me that allowed and encouraged me to be in her life, she treated me as if I just wanted to get laid, like any other man.

ME: “You’re just not getting it. I’m in love with you more than ever, Anya. I miss you so much now I want to die. I don’t know how you have time to miss me when you have Bunko gatherings to attend with your friends. You told me you weren’t there for Katie yet here you are hanging out with friends, while your best friend suffers because he’s missing you. You can’t just pick up where you left off anymore after San Diego. Sorry, it’s not right. Love is more than something you feel for someone. It’s not fantasy to me.”

ANYA: “Please stop.”

I couldn’t believe her response to my text was “please stop” as it made me even more disgusted with her vanishing act after San Diego. “Please stop” was her response to “I miss you so much I want to die”. She told me one time “I’d rather die than never have you in my life”. I wonder how it would have made her feel if I responded “please stop” to that. How could she be this cold if she loved me? She couldn’t. This was the evidence I needed, that Mitch believed as well, her love only existed when it convenienced her; when it was on her terms alone.

ME: “Anya, I don’t want you with him anymore. I’m sorry. I’m here because of what you told me about him. I trusted everything you ever told me about him. You told me you wished you belonged to me. I need you to show me that you meant that.”

ANYA: “I’m going to sleep now. I hope to God that you will have calmed down by morning Landyn.”

Her responses to my texts were as heartless as an executioner. For the first time, I met an Anya I didn’t know at all. One who lived in the same shadows her husband did. I actually felt fooled by her love for the first time, and I had to show her how wrong her decision to dismiss my feelings and emotions truly was.

ME: “You’ve left me with no other choice than to make the decision to freely love you. You can ignore me all you want. You don’t have to talk to me ever again, but I need to know the truth. I’m going to love you as if you’re not married, since you decided to dismiss my feelings as if San Diego never happened.”

ANYA: “Do you even know what you’re doing?”

ME: “Now I know what I’m doing. In fact, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. If you can’t promise me anything, after loving me the way you have, then I can’t make any promises how I handle my heartbreak. You told me when we first met that you couldn’t help yourself from pursuing a relationship with me. I’m sorry, but just like you, I can’t help it now either. We’ll soon see how much you appreciate that kind of reasoning.”

ANYA: “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”

ME: “What am I doing to you? You wish to belong to me. You love me. You miss me. Let’s see if that’s true because I can’t believe what you’re doing to me!”

ANYA: “Just shoot me and get it over with. Sorry I loved you.”

ME: “When did you fall out of love with me? Is that how your love works? When it’s not on your terms? When it inconveniences you? When someone wants you to put your money where your mouth is? What kind of love is that?”

ANYA: “You know you’re blowing it!”

ME: “Blowing what? Being alone for the rest of my life? Tell me what I am blowing. Living a fantasy forever or reality?”

ANYA: “You don’t know that! God I hate you for doing this! Why Landyn?”

ME: “You hate me? For what? That girl at the baseball games that pisses you off so much you need to shut down is your husband’s fault. The day you told the husband his wife was cheating on him, that was his fault too. I can keep going, you know. All these things you told me about that led me to feel the way I do now. He cheated on you several times yet you hate me? I’ve never hurt you like your husband! You’re the one telling me you wish you belonged to me. I want to know if it’s true because if it’s not, you’re playing a game with my heart. If anyone should hate anyone here…Am I blowing a chance at us being together?”

ANYA: “You are now. No, I don’t hate you, you know that.”

ME: “Then I have only one question for you.”

ANYA: “What?”

ME: “Can you please make me a promise that we’ll be together one day?”

ANYA: “What”

I felt like I had just been raped as I could hear Mitch’s laughter in my head when I read her answer to a promise asked for by the man, she wished she belonged to and who she claimed to love forever. What broke my heart even more was, for the first time ever, it gave me about as much trust in her as she had for her husband.

ME: “After nearly sixteen months together. After a beautiful night in San Diego. After your hopes, wishes and dreams. All you could say in response was “what”. I don’t want to ever hurt you Anya, but you’ve just hurt as bad as anyone could hurt someone. For the first time, you’ve given me a reason to doubt your love for me, and that hurts more than anything. If the girl who really and truly loves me won’t find a way to be with me, then I’m afraid there isn’t much hope for me. You just played a game with my heart, my life, just so you could feel again.”

ANYA: “So you really think that? Really Landyn?”

The truth was, I didn’t want to believe that. I wanted to be wrong more than anything in this world about it, but how could I deny all of her heartless responses? Did I “really think that” I could be fooled so easily? Did I “really think that” this was all a game she played with me? “Did I “really believe that” she didn’t love me? I realized if I did believe any of this, my life would be over, so I sobered up an already sober mind, and backtracked.

ME: “Not really. I know you love me.”

ANYA: “I love you”

ME: “I love you too.”

ANYA: “Then please stop and just love me. Please understand. I beg you.”

ME: “You can’t just go off and disappear as if nothing happened between us. You can’t be so willing to camouflage yourself into your life anymore. I understand you need to be there for Katie and Andrew, but you have to consider my feelings as well. You need to understand me too.”

ANYA: “I do baby.”

ME: “If u did babe, you would promise me that someday we would be together.”

ANYA: “Can we talk tomorrow? On the phone?”

ME: “Yes.”

ANYA: “Ok. You can just let me know when.”

I then realized what I may have agreed to as I refused to let Anya off the hook after what transpired in San Diego, as if it never happened.

ME: “If you’re going to try and let me go, it won’t be easy. I don’t plan on letting you go.”

ANYA: “What r u saying?”

ME: “Exactly what I said. I love you. Sorry for upsetting you. Goodnight.”

She never text me back, but if she planned to let me go over the phone, I didn’t care. She couldn’t love someone without restraint that encouraged and allowed someone to love her without restraint yet decide to remain married to a man who betrayed her so unfairly it led her to the man she loved without restraint. I held so much in with the hope I’d never have to make it known to her, but her shutdown after the night together in San Diego told me the time was now; my own emancipation proclamation. She didn’t need to leave Jackson now, but if she truly wished I belonged to her and she truly missed and loved me, then I needed a promise for her to prove her love was real for me and not based on a fantasy. My feelings were more than real and if she couldn’t make a promise, then I deserved to know the truth what truly kept her there. To me, a party at her friend’s house was the same as time spent with me if she felt she hadn’t been there for her kids. I planned to learn the truth about it all and if she thought my heart was a board, she could put game pieces upon and play with, then I’m had the right to love her the way I wanted to; on my terms. How could she be cold enough, to know how much I felt for her, to run around like a single person without kids and to have a blast with friends while I laid confined to my apartment in ruins because of what she led me to believe about her unhappiness? My heart, my feelings, my emotions and my life were no joke. I demand to know all she should’ve told me in the beginning to avoid all I felt at this time. She told me one time that “some things are better left unsaid”, well his infidelities were better left unsaid too, if she had no plans to ever leave him, especially after asking me to fight for her. I felt she withheld a lot of things from me I needed to know that would’ve helped avoid all this pain and loneliness I felt. I’d let her go if I had to as I couldn’t force her to do anything, but I vowed not to give in to her. To be stern and not bend. Anya needed to learn I was nothing like Jackson, or any other men she ever knew. I didn’t use people. I didn’t play games with their emotions. I respected every woman I ever associated myself with and I deserved the same respect in return. I didn’t fall in love for just the sake of falling in love with anyone. I respected their feelings and emotions. I didn’t bring myself close to them if I couldn’t be there or deliver for them when they needed me to. For her to shut down on me and to seamlessly go back into her life as if San Diego never happened, was on par with something a rapist would do. Although an extreme comparison, it didn’t stray far away from that because of my vulnerability as she knew how I felt about her. That she would engage in something that she knew would either bring me closer or make me crazy. If she wanted crazy, then maybe crazy is what she deserved, but “Please stop” and “what” were not responses from people who knew what love was.

When the next morning arrived, Anya texted me early.

ANYA: “Morning. U ok?”

I tried to contain myself, but to respond that I was fine now would mean I had no right to feel all I did the night earlier. She invited me to San Diego. She took the liberty to fulfill a fantasy of mine on her own. She did things that could only bring me closer to her that allowed me to feel even more than I did. She had to accept responsibility for the way I felt. She had to understand how I could be affected by decisions she made at home now. I made a decision to date a married woman, and when we weren’t together, I expected her to live a life of one, and not one of a single person.

ME: “Morning. Idk, if I’m ok or not. You hurt me badly last night by shutting down on me and not telling me you were going to a Bunko party. Naturally, I’m going to wonder why b/c you always do. I would also like to know exactly what I’m blowing.”

ANYA: “You’ve hurt me over and over. I haven’t shut down on u! I’ve given you everything I have to give, my heart and soul. This is 10 times worse than your birthday moment!”

Anya had given me a lot. She spent more time with me than any of my prior girlfriends did, and they were free to love me at any time. As much as Anya had hurt me, I had to consider the times I hurt her too. I wasn’t perfect here by any means. She certainly had to juggle a lot to see me and to make us work, but I also never approached her at a bar. She didn’t have to tell me about her husband’s infidelities, but she did and in doing so, it led me here. She initiated nearly every single meeting we’ve ever had. I trusted her with my heart completely, and she had to see her role in my pain if she wanted me to see my role in hers, and I would. I wanted to. I’d take all the blame because I loved her so much. If she truly gave me her heart and soul, and if she truly gave me all she had to give, how come she couldn’t make me a promise? Why would she choose to be at a Bunko gathering with friends instead of finding a way to be with me? There was a lot more to “everything” than “please stop” and “what”. Again, love is beautiful but it needs to be lived in the realm of reality, not fantasy, for it to mean something she claimed to feel.

ANYA: “You told me you were ok w/SD! I knew this was going to happen! Stupid me!!! I will send your thingie back! Idk what the hell is going on! My heart is bleeding, happy?”

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I didn’t know how to respond as her texts caught me by surprise, and when I didn’t, she continued until I did. The last thing I wanted to read though was that her heart was bleeding and I was happy about it. I could never be happy about that.

ANYA: “You said some hurtful and mean things last night I can’t forget.”

After I read this text, I grabbed my phone to reread the texts I sent her the previous evening. I had a hard time pinpointing however, what I said that was so hurtful and mean. Did she even once consider her response of “what” enough to be put in the same category as those “hurtful and mean” things? She should’ve respected my honesty and if she didn’t agree with it, then prove me wrong. A promise to be with me one day would prove me wrong. If she could love me enough to have made San Diego a reality, how come she couldn’t give me a simple promise?

ME: “What did I say that was mean and hurtful? Wanting you to make me a promise I deserved? Wanting u not to sleep with your piece of shit husband anymore? Was that mean and hurtful? What about your responses? Those weren’t mean and hurtful? What did I say that was so mean and hurtful? Give me a for instance. I would like to know what it was specifically.”

I had to admit I was sick of her parties with friends. She told me she needed to be there for Katie, and all I saw was how she chose neighborhood parties and her social life over me. I felt all she ever found were excuses and never reasons to be with me, and after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel, how was that not hurtful and mean? She could flush my necklace down the toilet for all I cared if that’s the way she felt about it.

ANYA: “Really? Why don’t u read your texts from last night?”

ME: “I did, and I don’t think they were hurtful and mean, but I think partying with your friends as if I didn’t exist in your life was. And no, I’m not happy your heart is bleeding. Please tell me how by wanting to be with the woman who dreams of being with me, who wished she belonged to me, is hurting you? Please explain. How have I hurt you over and over by wanting to be with you? The woman I love? I wish you would hurt me that way!”

ANYA: “Your threats! Crazy stuff again!”

ME: “You call wanting to live an honest life a threat? You call wanting to love you a threat? After all we’ve shared? Really? That’s a threat?”

ANYA: “You know what I mean! You know my situation! You know what I’m faced with!”

ME: “You knew your situation better than I did. You have ruined me by doing so. Completely. Loving me the way you have loved me and not even knowing? I can understand not knowing right now but not even knowing is what pains me. THAT is mean. Sorry, I do respect your situation and I can understand how you could feel those are threats, but you can’t look at it that way if you think I’m blowing anything. I’m not going to do anything crazy. I just can’t believe you would leave me hanging like this. I don’t want to ever hurt you, but I need you to be honest with me. I need to know the truth. I only have love in my heart. Throw my thingie away if you hate me that much to return it. If you want to be with me one day then tell me what I need to do to make that happen because you certainly knew when you first met me. I am crazy in love with you, but I am not crazy. I’m a good man. I know and respected your situation for the last fifteen months more than any man who feels what I feel for you would. I’ll calm down. I just want to be with the woman I love one day. That’s all.”

ANYA: “I’m sorry if I’ve ruined you. I’m ruined too but I don’t completely look at it that way. I’ve learned, felt, grown so much by you love. I didn’t want a thing as representative of a promise ring. I told you it could be just a string to remind me of you and to keep close to my heart. You’re acting like I did something horrible and different. I’m still me. You know my situation. What “truth” are you talking about? You know everything. I thought SD would be a fun time for us and it was going to be ok afterwards. I did “it” b/c I wanted to and wanted u to experience it. Are u sorry you did? Sorry.”

ME: “It’s not just “it”. It’s everything I share with you. I was fine with SD but when you shut down on me last night, and didn’t tell me about your Bunko gathering, it shook me up. You share the lives of your children with me, something that makes me fall deeper in love with you, then you pit me against them. Why? Why is being happy selfish when the unhappiness is brought on by infidelity and a gross disrespect? I don’t understand, especially after SD, why you’re still willing to share a bed with him and by doing so accepting his love. That’s what I need to know the truth about. Why do you still do that when you have me? And babe, I think me being ruined is a bit different than your view of it because you haven’t lost a thing. I have no one, but you still do.”

ANYA: “No way! Ur not blaming this on me, “shutting down”! I did not shut down. The other nite I had a long day and I just wanted to get in bed and be quiet. If you’re telling me I was wrong in sharing my kids then I’m sorry. I wanted to share with you the most important thing in my life. I should have kept them away. To think that all this time I thought I was doing the right thing really was the wrong thing. I have no one too. Ur just not listening anymore.”

ME: “Your kids are your “everything”, but you’re my” everything”. That’s why this is tougher on me and why I feel ruined. Why would you pit them against me babe if you felt me knowing about the most important thing in your life was the right thing? That’s all I’m asking. U asked me one time if I would choose u over my mom and I’d choose both. I’m talking about shutting down on me last night. It was ok when you shut down on me the night before after the baseball game. I understood that. It was last night that hurt. Nope. You have me. U won’t ever have no one.”

ANYA: “I didn’t shut down on you. Why do u keep saying that? You don’t understand I’m afraid to hurt the kids. You have me in some form but you’re making it too hard. Now the pressure is on again. Something you said you wouldn’t do again. And you’re not comparing apples to apples. If your mom was asked to choose between her kids or happiness, she’d choose her kids (Sacrifice). Same with my mom.”

ME: “Babe, you made that analogy, not me. You compared your choice with your kids to mine with my mom versus you, and I agree, it is like comparing an apple to an orange. I do understand you’re afraid to hurt the kids, but you never told me on the night we met, that you were still there because you were afraid to hurt the kids. You told me something completely different and it allowed and encouraged me to be here. It took me months until I learned of a mother’s sacrifice. You need to understand that because it’s why I struggle to understand although I respect it. You should have told me about a mother’s sacrifice when we met and before we decided to pursue a relationship. You had 5 whole months to do so before we reconnected yet you didn’t until after you knew I loved you. That’s not fair, and I hope you can understand that if you want me to understand anything.”

Anya’s argument of a mother choosing her kids over her happiness also failed to take into consideration Jackson’s infidelities, as it almost felt like she was never cheated on, and I found that disturbing more than anything she said to me. She also forgot the fact she did choose her happiness; the night she chose to pursue a relationship with me. If she ever believed this could hurt her kids, she never had the right to ever allow or encourage us to fall in love in the first place. For some reason, it seemed she did me a favor of some kind by allowing me to fall in love with her, a far cry from any semblance of the woman I first met. I didn’t know this Anya at all. She told me Lance left her because she had kids. The way she presented to me, I started to believe it was indeed true, but she got it backwards. Lance did leave her because she had kids, but it was because she told him, the same thing she told me, after she allowed and encouraged him to fall in love with her, that mother’s make sacrifices for their children. I didn’t see her nobility in her sacrifice, but actually her stupidity simply because of all she shared with me. Little did I know the night I met Anya, the politician she became under her husband’s tutelage gave her spins on half-truths, like Bill Clinton’s did when he told the world he didn’t have “relations” with Monica Lewinsky. Anya’s selective amnesia troubled me greatly as she failed to take into consideration all she did that led me here, as she seemed to absolve herself from all responsibility for our relationship and its current emotional level, but instead put the onus completely on me. That I was the one who chose this. That he gave me all the information I needed to make this decision. As if I was the one who approached her at Sonomas. That it was I who chose to ask for her number. Who chose to call, hours after we met, to set up a meeting. That it was I who chose to tell her she broke my heart when we reconnected. That I never walked away from her because she was married. That I was the one who chose to ask her to fight for me. Anya not only lived in denial about her situation, but also how about our relationship came into existence. If she planned to let me go, I wanted to acknowledge the truth how this happened and a real apology, not one she sprinkled here and there to pacify me. Just when I thought her denial could get any more outrageous, she then texted me a flat out lie, one that put my back against a wall.

ANYA: “I think I was diff in that I was willing to give it a chance even though I didn’t know for sure what I was going to do hence “no promises”.

ME: “And that’s why I asked you what I needed to do in order to get a promise and you told me that all I needed to do was sweep you off your feet. Not trying to downplay your fear of hurting your kids, but you told me what I needed to do to get a promise, and well, I think I’ve done what you required me to do.”

ANYA: “What now Landyn? I don’t want to keep fighting with you. I love you. You know I never set out to hurt you. What now.”

I had a memory like an elephant when it came to what led me here, I never forgot. Her text only confirmed her denial of how we happened, but she seemed to resign to the truth when I laid it out for her, as she could never forget her “sweep me off my feet” requirement of me. I just couldn’t believe half the texts she sent me, as I didn’t feel her love within them at all. Our exchange though only left me more emotionally distraught and mentally exhausted as we lobbed accusations back and forth. I couldn’t even be sold on her “you know I never meant to hurt you” text, because she always knew what she was faced with yet withheld it for me until after I fell deeply in love with her, as I had to learn her life on the fly. Now I had to deal with neighbor parties, while she had a blast surrounded by love and friends, while she stole my very soul with her half-truths while I found myself surrounded by four walls that aimed to crush me. The problem was I loved her too and I wanted to find a way past this somehow, someway. Even if this woman tried to murder me, I’d probably blame myself before I blamed her; that’s how much she meant to me. With my career now on the line, and my very life, I couldn’t afford to go back into the world with no one, so I tried to smooth things out.

ME: “If you give so much of yourself, the way you have given yourself to me, then it’s not unreasonable for me to believe you would lean towards trying to find a way to make things work. I don’t want to lose you or give up just like that, especially after Saturday night. I love you way too much. The way you’ve loved me; I know for a fact you want to be with me. I know you do.”

ANYA: “The anger, fighting and pressure doesn’t help. Believe me.”

ME: “This isn’t anger driven by hatred, babe. It’s a lot of frustration. If you can be on this side of the fence, you’d understand this a lot better. The heavy emotions make it hard to present my side to you in a way you’d find fair. I understand that, but there are a lot of emotions here, mostly those I’m unfamiliar with. I’m trying the best I can but your mixed feelings don’t help as well. Just being honest with you.”

ANYA: “I know this sounds crazy. As angry as I was with you. I long to kiss you, hold you, and be in bed with you. Dying inside.”

ME: “All I want to do is love you. Not give you a hard time.”

ANYA: “I know. It’s no picnic on my end.”

ME: “I know. Is it ok we just drop it? I don’t want to argue with you.”

ANYA: “Ok? Of course! I don’t either.”

After this morning conversation, I called into work to let them know I would be in late. Even after our emotional discussion, I felt focused enough to get some work done, but when I opened my email upon my arrival, I received a nasty one from Jerry. He complained that I hadn’t reviewed some of the workpapers so he could review and sign off on the binder to close it out. I understood Jerry’s anger as I completely dropped the ball on it as it was a task I needed to do last night for him. With the stress and pressure unlike any I had felt before, along with a relationship that prevailed over my mind and my mother’s cancer mixed in as well, I had to talk myself out of walking out on the firm for the first time ever. Was any of this worth it? I wouldn’t have to attend the symposium and face Jackson if I quit. I got up from my chair and found myself as I stared out my window at the freeway and life below. I remembered the feeling I had months ago when I felt life couldn’t be more beautiful. Everyone struggled at times and life wasn’t always perfect or even fair. It would never have a chance to be fair if I were to give up. How many times had Anya proven me wrong in the past? When I thought she was through with us, she showed me more love than ever. San Diego, was a perfect example of that, her resolve. I had to keep it together otherwise she won’t be able to. I had to be stronger for her and here was a chance to do that. Our problems was an opportunity to grow our love, not to end it. If I quit the firm, and not respond to this challenge, I’d never have a chance at this again. I’d be working from the ground up again. After I pulled through, I responded to Jerry’s email in a professional manner, I apologized and then told him I would review the file over the next few hours so he could sign off before the end of the day. In all my years with the firm, all eight of them, and even during busy season, I never came in late, not a single time until this day. I didn’t think anyone took a tally on that but me, but little did I know my tardiness had raised a red flag with other members of the firm.

At lunch, Anya sent me a thoughtful text to see how I was, a gesture I greatly appreciated that remined me why I cared so much and was sensitive to all and everything she did.

ME: “I’m ok. I miss you. I only love you.”

ANYA: “I miss you too. I only love you too.”

I then felt this sudden great fear wash over me. And not just my usually fear, but rather my greatest fear; the fear of losing her as I tried to atone for my loss of emotional control from the night before and during the morning.

ME: “I’m sorry for the hurtful things I texted to you last night. You have nothing to fear about me loving you freely. I know I can’t do that and I won’t. I’ll admit there’s a part of me that would like him to feel the anger you feel and to suffer the way you do at those games. I’m sorry for hurting you over and over too. It’s not my intent to ever hurt you. If I wasn’t in love with you, I just wouldn’t care. It just wasn’t like you not to text me last night so I thought you shut down on me and there was something you weren’t telling me. It just got the best of me. For the millionth time I’m sorry. Also, it just wasn’t “it”. It was the beauty of you, the “thingie”, us being together for a longer period of time than we usually are and the entire night. I’d feel the same way if there wasn’t an “it” moment, even if it did make it a little more special. Anyway, I just wanted to apologize again. I’m going through a lot and you’re the only good part of my life right now. It scared me last night because after Saturday, I can’t stand the thought of feeling like I’m losing you. I’m very sorry.”

Anya didn’t respond before my lunch ended, as I had to get back to work to finish my review of the client audit binder for Jerry. About ten minutes later, however, Anya sent me a text that rendered her verdict.

ANYA: “Thank you for all the texts and apologies. I know you’re going through a lot and I’m sorry. Unfortunately, I can only take so much and this was the icing. I need time. We’ve been through this road a million times. My friends are worried about me and are really questioning my sanity to keep going in circles. This time was really tough. It’s going to take awhile.”

I read her text but couldn’t respond as I couldn’t afford any more distractions from work. Even though I felt her friends didn’t know the truth as to why she kept going in circles, more importantly the truth about Jackson, the only choice I had was the understand and respect her decision. I then buried my head in my hands, and for the first time ever, did something I never did at work before; I took a Vicodin. As I ran my hands through my hair one more time, I stared at my computer’s mouse in quiet contemplation. How would I handle her need for time? How much time will she need? Will she ever come around? What did her friends actually know? As all these questions swam in my head, I suddenly heard my office door close. When I looked up, Kevin Kash threw himself in the chair before me.

“Hey Land. Is somethin’ troubling you?” he asked.

“It’s that obvious, huh?” I responded as I forced a smile.

“Well, it’s just I’ve never seen you walk in late before.” he said. “I overheard Jerry from all the way down the hall, yellin’ your name and havin’ a coronary about a still open audit binder. I thought I’d come over and check on you.”

“To be honest with you Kev, things aren’t going very well for me right now.” I confided.

“What do you mean “not going very well” for you?”

“I’m getting hit pretty hard by some things in my personal life right now, and I’m really struggling to find a work life balance to deal with them. This is such an important time for the firm, I can’t afford to deal with them at a time the firm really needs me to be focused. It feels like I’m winging it, just trying to get through the day, but I feel like I’m on the verge of losing everything I’ve worked so hard for.”

“What’s happening, specifically?”

“Anya and I are having problems.” I said.

“What’s the issue?”

“She doesn’t know if she’ll leave her husband.” I said. “We’ve been together for almost sixteen months now. I could understand this if we only dated for sixteen days but even after all we’ve shared? She still doesn’t know.”

“Did you ever really think she was?” he asked with a hint of disbelief in his voice. “After all, she is Jackson Caiaphas’s wife.”

“We’ve shared a lot, Kev. We spent a night together in San Diego this past weekend. We’ve had a pregnancy scare just four months ago. I even went to her daughter’s ballet recital she invited me to. There are a lot that’s been said, been shown, that’s happened between us.” I responded. “So yes, I thought she would’ve given me at least a promise to leave him by now. I think it’s not only decent, but also the right thing to do. We’re in a full-blown relationship here. We love each other and I want her to choose an honest life and not keep living a dishonest one.”

“Why don’t you just break up with her?” he said. “If she loves you, she won’t be able to take it.”

“I wish it were that easy, Kev. A crazy as that sounds, it would kill me. We’ve shared so much that we’ve made it nearly impossible to quit each other.” I said. “How can you walk away from something you know is a once in a lifetime chance?”

Kevin looked at me as if something else entered his mind, as I waited for his counterpunch.

“Easier said than done, huh?” he added.

“It’s one of those things you have to be submerged in to understand.”

“What if this gets back to Clyde? What if Jackson finds out and tells him?” he asked. “You know how conservative the firm is.”

“I’ve considered that consequence, but I think it has the potential to ruin his political career if he ever did.” I said.

“How so?”

“His image and ego mean too much to him. I don’t think he’d want anyone to find out about his marital improprieties.” I said. “I think he’d have more to lose than to gain by doing that.”

“I don’t know. I think you’re playing with fire, Land.” he said. “You could serious lose all you’ve worked for. Don’t you care? Doesn’t the partnership mean that much to you?”

“I care, Kev. I care a lot. I’ve worked so hard to be partner here. It’s been my dream up until I met Anya. Even though I need the partnership, our love means more to me now.” I said. “and if I lose it, I’ll never be in the position to succeed anyway. If I lose her, if I lose this love, I would’ve already lost all I’ve ever wanted.”

Kevin just shook his head and looked at me incredulously at what I revealed. I knew he couldn’t fathom my stance, that I’d be willing to put a near million dollar a year position, the same one he wanted so badly, on the line for love. I realize most people would take his side, but they didn’t know me. Everyone talked about love, even claimed to be in it, but no one truly believed in its power and magic more than I did. Only those who believed in love like I did, knew without it--they were doomed. Everyone talked a big game, but nobody played one. Or maybe they were just lucky enough that love never eluded them, like it seemed to always elude me.

After Kevin bore witness to my public display of despair, I also updated him on my mother, another huge reason for my struggles. When he left, I felt focused enough to finish the rest of the workday without further feelings of leaving the partner position on the table.

When my workday kindly ended, I texted Anya to ask her a question.

ME: “Can I ask you why you didn’t text me last night? I’m not being argumentative. Is it because you told Carolyn and Debbie you stopped seeing me?”

ANYA: “I went to a neighbor’s St. Patty’s party and I helped out and couldn’t get away. I don’t want to talk about it anymore! So if I don’t text u something is wrong?”

I felt Anya’s response seemed bizarre to such a simple question. She never even told me about the St. Patrick’s party in Saturday night, something she just usually did. If this St. Patty’s day party was really no big deal, why did she tell me it was a Bunko party instead of a St. Patrick’s Day party? Why couldn’t she really get away? Was it because Jackson was with her? For the first time, I saw how my feelings weren’t as farfetched or as out of line as she wanted them to be.

ME: “Your friends, unfortunately, don’t know the whole story. Yes, I felt something could be wrong because you always text me. Don’t you miss me? Not to mention you told me it was a “Bunko Party”.”

ANYA: “No they don’t, but they know our arguments and they know my pain with you. My neighbors are Bunko people. They’re the same. If you’re trying to catch me in a lie then good luck cuz I always tell u the truth! This Friday is the real Bunko gathering which I’m hosting. Anything else?”

It surprised me to learn she shared our arguments with her friends. I guess she needed to talk about it, but I wondered how it was presented to them as it would seem to explain why they never said “hi” to me anymore. Her parties with these sudden “bunko friends” made me feel like she didn’t miss me at all. Here, I thought she struggled, and had to be there for Katie and Andrew, but I learned she was partying with friends instead. It just felt like she was having a blast at the expense of my heart. It seemed to be all fun and games for her while I’d never be the same again. She was only honest when she knew she couldn’t be dishonest. Still “Bunko party” and “Bunko people” was much different than a St. Patrick’s Day party. A Bunko party entailed some drinking but a St. Patrick’s Day party was all about drinking.

ME: “Nevermind. I’ll see you on Friday.”

ANYA: “Friday?”

ME: “Yes for Bunko. Just kidding. I just don’t think it’s right u get angry at me for loving or wanting to be with you after I thought you were shutting me out. I have that right emotionally.”

ANYA: “I thought after your Bday moment you were not going to do that anymore. I don’t get mad at you for wanting to be with me. It’s the way you get angry and the things you say.”

I had to agree with her response, but at times, my emotions and frustration got the best at me, especially when I felt she dismissed my emotions as just something I should be able to handle. I didn’t have the same resources to help with my sadness that she did. If she ever got sad, she just went to a party, and in my mind, whenever she did that, she never gave herself any incentives to leave Jackson. If Jackson gave her the life of a single person in their marriage, why would she want to leave? After she allowed and encouraged me to feel so much, I found it criminal of her to do, especially with Jackson in tow along with the facade. I felt after our night together in San Diego, not to mention everything else we’ve shared over the last fifteen plus months, nothing I said to her should ever scare her if she ever had real plans to be with me. She could easily talk me out of any “threat” situation. She knew what she had to do, and it wasn’t even about giving me a promise too, although it’s what I needed and wanted. It made me sick to my stomach to think, it seemed at times she saw her sacrifice of her happiness as if she just fell out of love with her husband; as if his infidelities were all just water under the bridge after she made me a huge part of her life. The worst thing about it all, now it seemed to inspire bipolar type behavior from me as I seemed to be going mad just trying to convince her to leave.

ME: “I’m just so sad. What r u up to?”

ANYA: “I’m sorry. Hebrew school, dance, baseball, dinner and school project for Andrew. The usual.”

After I read her “the usual” text, I decided to succumb to my sadness as what I said was done. As frustrated as she left me, and how unfair I felt she was, I also couldn’t blame her for the way she had to handle this. She didn’t view loving her freely as an act of love, but as a threat that would hurt her kids. She had to understand after Saturday, she just couldn’t disappear and act differently around me. That’s going to make me feel she played a game with my heart and emotions enough to believe she didn’t respect me. Her reaction to my “threats” was because she felt I didn’t respect her situation, when in reality, it was in essence the same reaction I felt upon her vanishing act after Saturday night as she didn’t respect my situation at all. I know she faced a lot, but if what she faced meant so much to her, she should have never allowed and encouraged me to be in her life the way I was. I was now faced with something just as destructive too. The end of my career. The end of a chance at love again. If she refused to respect what I faced, how could she expect me to respect what she did? She wouldn’t lose money to survive, if she stayed, but I would lose my livelihood. My job was mental, not one of a physical nature. It would be equivalent to working down at the docks as a longshoreman with two broken arms. That’s what I was faced with, and she needed to understand how far she brought me and what it left me to face. Of course, I respected her situation. I never wanted her kids to know about even their father’s infidelities, and I despised him. She had to understand too though, I faced the loss of a near million dollar a year job and all the years I put in the time to get here, and all that lost time. I truly felt, she had a lot more to gain than to lose, even if she stayed. I’m sure she faced some criticism, but she didn’t face any real loss, like I did. I just couldn’t tell her what I was faced with, and that made this even harder.

After I read her text, I felt this was a legitimate dead horse that didn’t need any further beating, as I decided to call it a night, but before I did, Anya sent me a text.

ANYA: “I love you.”

ME: “I love you so much.”

ANYA: “I’m sorry for everything.”

ME: “You’re a heartbreaker. I should have known. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

ANYA: “Not my intent…I don’t deserve u. U don’t deserve any of this. You’re an angel.”

ME: “I’m sorry, my emotions just got the best of me. I shouldn’t have texted you that. I’m here now though, whether you intended to or not, whether you think I didn’t deserve this, you still allowed and encouraged me to be in your life. There’s a real reason why you couldn’t help it. I just need you to think about that, and I think you do deserve me. You deserve happiness, and you know what? I haven’t been perfect either, babe.”

ANYA: “You’re perfect.”

ME: “I’m not perfect. I know I’ve hurt you too. We’re both faced with some things here, but over time, I think we can reconcile them if we love eachother. R u bummed out we didn’t talk on the phone?”

ANYA: “A little.”

ME: “I just didn’t want to argue over the phone. I hate it. I hate arguing. I miss your voice.”

ANYA: “I understand. Let’s put it to rest.”

ME: “All b/c you don’t want to hurt the kids doesn’t mean you don’t deserve me. You’re the only one who has ever deserved me. We deserve each other. You’re right, let’s put it to rest. Goodnight.”

I never heard back from her, even to just say goodnight, as it ended one of the most, if not the most, tumultuous day of our relationship, if we could still call it one. For the first time, I didn’t feel like a sane man, as if I jumped off a bridge with no way to reverse the course of my action. After this tussle to understand each other, I feared our love would never be the same as I appeared to learn, even after our night in San Diego just two days earlier, she had no intent to make a promise to me. That her judgment, even to her friends, had been passed upon me. No matter what I did, no matter how deeply I loved and cared for her, I wasn’t good enough for her to leave a man who did nothing but dishonor and shame her. After all the love I showed her, and all the reasons Jackson showed her my love was worth having, it seemed she planned to stay and protect the family name. For some reason, she now saw her marriage as one of those in which a spouse just fell out of love, and stuck it out for the long haul. The problem was, a spouse who made that sacrifice because they fell out of love had brought another heart into the equation. She told me in San Diego, she needed love in her life. She never told me she needed me in her life, but rather she just needed love. She proved it even further when she felt the need to party with her neighbors, on St. Patrick’s Day, rather than see if the device she used to fill her need for love needed her. She didn’t live in my solitude so she could never see how it made me feel. Yet she wanted nothing less than complete understanding from me in regards to her daily life I never truly saw, otherwise, her love for me was ready to let me go. She had what she needed, Jackson’s money, and the trust of her children. As long as she remained with Jackson, she could only be a perceived role model for her kids, but never a true one, whether she was with me or with someone else.

That night I couldn’t sleep as I wondered what the world would be like without hope. First, she stole my heart, then stole my hope, and now my life. I felt like a fly caught in her web, something she created without my knowledge to feed her need for love. She didn’t kill this fly instantly though, she kept me wrapped up for later and slow consumption. I couldn’t believe my Anya, told me “what” when I asked her for a promise rather than something like “I can’t promise you right now” or something to that effect. After San Diego, after she performed fellatio on me, a promise was the furthest thing from her mind. I had to find a way to get her to see where I stood. I needed her to understand how I felt, as I needed even her friends to understand how I felt especially, when she presented Carolyn and Debbie her side of things without them knowing the truth about Jackson. The real reason why she went in circles with me. I feared they got the impression we went in circles because she just fell out of love with Jackson, when I never would’ve been a part of her life if he hadn’t cheated on her and treated her with continued disrespect afterwards. It bothered me deeply, that he woman who claimed to love me, made me out to be the kind of man who would hurt a good husband, who she just fell out of love with. Anya, with that lie to her friends, even though I could understand on some level why she didn’t tell them, made it seem in their eyes I had no respect for the institution of marriage whatsoever. That she would put me out there to be a homewrecker, and was thoughtless about the idea of family, when I walked away from her initially. As she slept the night away, probably after she had sex with her husband, I composed a text to her.

ME: “Can’t sleep. I was thinking about your convos with C&D and I have to let you know my concerns. I don’t think they can fully understand where I am coming from. I’m concerned that they are seeing it seems like Landyn doesn’t understand Anya doesn’t want to hurt her kids and that’s not true at all. I do understand that. The reason for my “craziness” is simply this. I was told your husband cheated on you 4 times. It is the sole reason I am here. I was told you never kiss the man nor tell him that you love him. To me, I thought that you couldn’t stand him b/c of it. So since my parents used to sleep in different rooms as I grew older due to them not getting along at times, I thought especially with the history of cheating and apparent disgust and resentment, the same easily applied here. I had no idea you were still engaging in sex with him knowing what you have told me. I was shocked. The problem was I found this out after I was already deeply in love with you and even led to believe that wasn’t happening. I felt there was just no way if you were seeing me and it disgusted you so much that you wouldn’t kiss the man, that you were engaging in sex with him. With that said, that is the source of my pain and craziness. After Sat night it has become a very painful thing and I just wanted to find a way for that to stop hence the crazy things. I guarantee you this. You would feel the same way if you were me. So, for the record, C&D simply cannot begin to understand my position b/c they don’t know the source of my craziness so how can they possibly give you sound unbiased advice? I just think if they knew this they would better understand why I act and say the things I do and why we run in circles. It just seems to me they think I’m nuts and I don’t think that’s fair. I feel I have every right to lose it once in a while. I just hope it is being communicated to them I do understand you don’t want to hurt your kids. That’s not why we run in circles. I think it makes me look bad if they aren’t getting the whole story. If I lose it, it’s b/c of the reason I mentioned. That’s why I started wondering if I was being told the truth. That’s all.”

I knew this was an email Anya wouldn’t perceive as a present, but she responded early that morning after I finally found the peace enough to sleep.

ANYA: “Good morning. C&D adore you. They don’t think you’re crazy or bad. If anything, they understand you. They say “U can’t get mad at him for feeling the way he feels.”. Yes, they don’t know the whole story but what they do know is that we’re in love and we can’t be together. They know you’re hurting and they protect you when I talk. They just don’t want to see us in pain. They know you’re a good guy and they only have respect for you. When I talk to them, I don’t bash you. I just talk about hurting. They understand not wanting to hurt the kids. They know that you understand or you wouldn’t have been this patient. They think you’re a saint. You’re the nicest man I know.”

As I read this text, I had mixed feelings. Whenever I heard the word “nice” it made me cringe, as again, nice guys always finished last. I didn’t want to be known as a jerk, but I wanted to be somewhere in between as the “nice” bit was never appreciated, perceived as a lack of confidence rather than an act of respect. Another part of the text that annoyed me was when she wrote “they know we can’t be together.” After all the love you showed me in San Diego, just a couple of days ago, why couldn’t we? She knew I loved her. She knew I needed her. Could she understand how things like this left me to question if she needed and loved me? Why even invite me to San Diego if we couldn’t be together? The truth was, she had told them she chose not to be with me. I would even go as far to say, she did so before she found Katie’s essay, and it killed me inside to even consider that as a real possibility. I wanted to believe in love and that maybe I could still get her to believe in it too, but now I faced a huge obstacle; that her love was never love, but rather an infatuation with being in love again to ease the anger she felt about her husband. Unfortunately, Anya, just like her husband, had no clue what love truly was, nor did they both truly believe in its magic. It left me to believe she not only misrepresented herself to me, but also misled and played me for a fool. All I can do now was hold on for dear life as I hoped she could find a way to prove me wrong. That the necklace she wore, only fulfilled her need to feel loved, and not her need for me.

ME: “Good morning. Thank u. I was worried about that. I’m not saying I’m 100% right about this. I’m just saying they can’t understand where I’m coming from.”

ANYA: “They don’t even know everything and they understand what they do know. They always say “It must be so hard on him.” Have a good day. I miss you and I love you forever. No matter what I can’t change my love for you. Your presence is all around me living inside of me every second.”

ME: “I miss u dearly. I love you forever. I can’t stop loving you. I can’t love anyone else. I’m only yours. I only want to experience things with you. Have a good day.”

Her last text gave me a glimmer of hope, that maybe it wasn’t an infatuation, as my heart wanted to believe I had this all wrong and she would prove me wrong. That she truly believed in love and it’s magic as much as I did, and I held out hope against all hope. My mind though, took on Mitch’s identity now, and I faced a wider battle within myself than ever before.

I then headed back to the dreariness and drudgery of work as busy season trudged on. On this particular day I lost focus one again, as I walked to a hidden part of the hallway outside of my firm’s suite so no one could be witness to my internal struggle. I had to up the ante as I took a couple of Vicodin in the morning to help alleviate the stress, pressure and sadness that consumed me. When the drug began to relax me, I walked back in to the office. As I walked by a number of cubicles, it felt like my misery was on full display for all to see, but luckily my coworkers were too busy to pay me any notice. I don’t know why but it felt like everyone knew of my situation, but this love brought instincts in me I never thought I’d exhibit. I didn’t want anyone’s sympathy as this was a situation I chose to be a part of. If I wanted anything, I just wanted people to understand my reasons for being. I feared though, that they would think that being a man, who believed in love like I did, was as irrational a thought any one man could have in this day and age. I feared, considering the circumstances, and all I faced and stood to lose, they could never see my choice as rational.

As the day continued like a requiem, Anya sent me a text later that afternoon just before I took another pill as I hoped her message held the power to stop my self destruction.

ANYA: “Missing you tremendously. I hope you’re holding up ok. I’m still here for you even if we’re not together. I love you so much.”

ME: “I love you way too much to lose what we will always have. It doesn’t matter if we are together now or not. I am missing you tremendously too. How’s your day going, babe?”

ANYA: “Ok just missing u. Running around getting stuff ready for Bunko. How’s ur day?”

ME: “Just missing you too. Going through busy season burnout. Is there anything special that goes into a Bunko party?”

ANYA: “Well technically no but b/c I’m a freak I got into the Spring/Easter decoration mood. So, I’m planning around that theme. Time consuming.”

ME: “I figured you would turn it into a project. I love that about you.”

ANYA: “Thank you. I love you, you know.”

ME: “Thank you. I love everything about you.”

ANYA: “Thank u. I love everything about you too. I know you get angry b/c u love me. You wouldn’t care if u didn’t love me. Hang in there at work. You’re almost there.”

Her concession about my anger, out of frustration not hatred, made me feel better as I put the pill back in my pocket. I loved her. I’d do anything for her. She broke my heart by not knowing and it was the toughest thing to understand. My emotions got the best of me and I didn’t know how else to reach her. She had to know though how much I trusted in her love as I decided the time came to show her exactly how much I did trust in her love.

ME: “Thank u babe. I really do. I have a confession to make to you. I’ll try to tell you about it later tonight when I get out of here. I wanted to tell you on Saturday but I got distracted for some reason. I love you.”

ANYA: “Ok. Is it bad? I love you.”

When she asked if it was bad, made me wonder if she put on a show for me like she did her kids. That she considered us together, even when we couldn’t be. If she worried my confession could hurt her, it gave me a confidence in her feelings for me that perhaps I was a need, and not solely love. That she was just playing it “cool” and she felt differently than she acted.

ME: “No, babe. At least I don’t think so.”

ANYA: “Why can’t you tell me now?”

ME: “I have to get back to work. It’s nothing to worry about, babe. I promise. Just something I would like for you to know. I think it’s time to share it with you.”

ANYA: “Ok”

When I didn’t see a period at the end of “ok”, some kind of emotion had to be behind that, whether fear, anger or sadness. I the regretted this information I gave her as I didn’t mean to leave her in suspense as I could tell she feared the worst. I honestly didn’t know how she would handle what I told her and just needed some more time to make sure I presented it the best way possible. How would she react? It could go either way, horribly wrong or beautifully right. I planned to text her the moment I got home because I knew it would create a discussion afterwards, and I wanted to be available to respond to any questions or fears she had, but she texted me before I could reach my car in the office parking lot when I left the office.

ANYA: “Ok so I’m dying to hear your confession!”

ME: “I told my mom about us. My mom’s known for a long time actually. She knows only of our love for each other, not all we’ve shared. No intimate details of course. She also knows about the situation. She respects you and she knows how much you care for me and love me.”

ANYA: “She knows my situation?”

Her response was the reason why I wanted to wait until I got home, so I could make sure I responded appropriately. She didn’t know my mother didn’t have a prejudice or judgmental bone in her body, and if she did, she was always open minded towards everything.

ME: “She doesn’t judge you and sides with you. Of course, she would like to see us get together but she understands your situation. So, that wedding dream with my mom being happy would be accurate. She would be happy for us.”

ANYA: “Was she shocked?”

ME: “Well, being religious, she was at first, but I explained your situation and unhappiness to her and she understands how you feel. I talk to her like you talk to C&D. In fact, she’s a lot like them. I never talk to her when I’m upset about things. If I struggle, she only helps me to see things through your eyes better. She knows what you’ve gone through and she knows I only associate myself with good people.”

ANYA: “I don’t know what to think. I have only respect for your mom cuz of the person you are but afraid she might think less of me cuz of my situation. Nervous stomach.”

ME: “I would’ve never told you if she thought any less of you. She knows how happy you make me, and I stay away from the house when I’m sad. But I couldn’t hide the smile from her that you’ve put on my face. It was too easy for her to notice something was different about me because my happiness went missing for years before I met you. I won’t let her see or know I’m down when I am. Just like every relationship, it has a chance of working out or not. She’s like C&D minus them knowing the intimacy we’ve shared. Nothing to be nervous about.”

My mom sided with Anya half the time, if not most of the time, I talked with her about our struggles. If it wasn’t for my mother, and her bible verses and advice, I would never have been able to share this with Anya. I truly believed in my purpose in this situation, and the goodness I brought into it. I shared this with my mother because I loved Anya, and my mother needed to know what made me smile again. I could never lie to my mother, as I awaited Anya’s verdict about it.

ANYA: “Actually I’m kinda glad u told her. I’d want her to know you’ve found what most people search for in a lifetime. I’d want her to be at peace with your happiness.”

After every disagreement we ever had, the thing I loved most about Anya, is she usually searched within herself to see my side of things. The last thing I wanted to do as to let my frustrations out, but I had an honest nature. This dishonest situation was foreign to me, as I was honest even to a fault. I knew only honesty could bring her in my arms forever, and she deserved my honesty. During our argument, Anya stood in there. She stood in the ring with me and took every shot and even fired countered with shots of her own, shots I maybe even deserved. We both held our ground, but I’m glad she also fought within herself to see if she could meet me halfway. That made me feel like I mattered to her, and that all I felt mattered, as she gave her attention to it fully. She didn’t run, she responded to every text, whether I liked what I heard or not. I respected her for that, and I loved her even more for it, as badly as it hurt, or how much it made me wheels spin in my head even more. I wanted her to feel safe enough to challenge me on anything. She could humble me any time because that’s how we built our relationship. That’s how we would build trust, but more than anything, I wanted her to prove me wrong because I didn’t want to be right about any one of my negative emotions. Each time we argued, I always learned it opened her heart more to me, as often times, I just needed her attention. To just know, I was in her life even if we compared apples to mangoes.

ANYA: “Ok, so does this mean I can tell you to say hi to her when you’re visiting? Jk! Ur dad knows too I’m sure.”

ME: “Haha! Babe, she’s actually gotten everyone of your “hi’s”. My mom asks me all the time “How’s Anya?” and says “Tell her I said hi” when you text me when I’m over so yes, you can if you wanted to! My dad doesn’t know. He’s too judgmental and old fashioned. Thanks for understanding. I love you.”

ANYA: “Really? I can’t believe she’s known for all this time! What u said earlier makes total sense. When u said U don’t tell her when ur down cuz every relationship goes thru ups and downs whether it works out or not. You seem so mature at times though you have your moments. Ha!”

ME: “Don’t they though? Every relationship is like that.”

ANYA: “I guess for the most part.”

ME: “Haha! You would know better than anyone about my moments!”

ANYA: “Uh that’s for sure! Does your mom know everything about me? Sorry for all the questions. I’m just still shocked.”

ME: “Not everything. Just the basics. It broke my heart to see your text “my heart is bleeding”. I hate myself for that.”

ANYA: “Don’t say that. It was brutal though.”

ME: “I know.”

ANYA: “R u glad u told her?”

ME: “I couldn’t hide it from her babe. She knows me too well.”

ANYA: “Ok good. I’m tickled!”

ME: “That makes me feel better! I’m glad I finally told you.”

ANYA: “Me too! Why did u wait so long?”

ME: “I was afraid of what you might think, but when you told me to tell her you loved her for having me, it gave me the courage to tell you.”

ANYA: “I’m glad you did. I love you.”

ME: “I love you too. Thanks for understanding.”

For a man who always felt his birth was unwanted by my father, Anya’s words held the greatest weight. In her defense, she had to deal with my low self-esteem when it emerged at times. I always believed someone’s love for me, like Anya’s, and my love for them would eventually erase the memory of my failures with women that caused it. However, this relationship at times exacerbated those feelings of low self-worth at those times when similarities brought them forward--a scar still embedded in my unconscious mind as I felt rejected by nearly every woman I ever cared or wanted to care for.

The next morning brought silence from her as I feared my confession, the more she thought about it, may have scared her off. I then reached out to her.

ME: “Hope you’re not mad at me.”

ANYA: “About?”

ME: “About anything.”

ANYA: “Still unsettled from SD and days afterwards. I told u this was going to take awhile. I admit it really shook me up. I’m ok.”

Anya’s mixed feelings derailed me every time as I didn’t expect to hear she was still unsettled after San Diego. I couldn’t blame her though after my emotional display a few nights earlier and the way I put her love to the test, a way she viewed as threatening, as I tried to explain myself further to her about why it happened.

ME: “You have loved me in such a way, I only think it’s reasonable to be with me. I fell in love with you not for the sake of falling in love just to see what it feels like or to just fill a void in my life. I fell in love with you because I want to spend my entire life with you, and that’s how I’ve gone into this for day one, otherwise there’s no point in doing so. I just want you to be with me. I only want to love you and be with you and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I believe you wanted me to be here. You even asked me to fight for you one night and I asked you if you meant it, and you said you did. That’s all I’m doing babe b/c I know in the pit of my stomach you want to be with me badly, otherwise we wouldn’t be here today. I didn’t fall in love to not be with you and I think you feel the same way.”

ANYA: “Yes I fell in love and I want to be with you. I told you from the beginning that I didn’t know what I was going to do and that I couldn’t promise anything. Yes, I truly do want to be with you. I struggle with it every day. I told you I was not playing b/c my heart is involved too. Idk what to do. I’m not god. I just dk. You told me you were willing to take a chance and that u were a big boy knowing that I couldn’t promise u anything. Like I said before idk about the future.”

ME: “One of the many reasons I love you is b/c you do struggle. It’s an unselfish trait. I just felt at the time if you love me as much as u do, I thought the decision would be easier. I thought if you didn’t feel strongly about me then I’d have to be a “big boy”. That’s what I meant when I said that and it was nothing on you being able to promise me or not. You’re the only woman I want to experience all aspects of love with. You’re my soulmate. My once in a lifetime. My true love. And hey, aren’t you a big girl?”

ANYA: “I try to be. You’re my soulmate and my true love too. The difference between you willing to do anything and my willing to do almost anything is I have kids. It’s not about keeping scores. When one is down you pull their weight and vice versa. You’ve done so much for me. You’re loyal and love me unconditionally.”

ME: “I’d do anything for you babe. You know that.”

ANYA: “Anything? JK! I know babe. It breaks and warms my heart at the same time.”

Anya was absolutely right; love didn’t keep score. If I kept score, when our situations were different, she would be at an unfair disadvantage. Of course, I was willing to do anything, because I was in the position to do that, but she had two other people to think of as well. It was also easier for me to be a “big boy” than it was for her to be a “big girl” because of those two other people too. I had to meet her negative feelings head on to try better to understand her position, and to mend the damage I created with my emotional breakdown. It was probably a good thing, too, she never beat a dead horse with Jackson, as it showed she wasn’t vested emotionally enough in him to fight. If they never fought, it wasn’t because they got along, but because she was emotionally withdrawn from him. She also had to understand me as well though. If she didn’t know if she could promise me anything, why did she love me in such a manner that suggested she would know? We experienced all the things two people in love did without restraint, regardless of the situation. She never held herself back in loving me, and even wanted me to give her more. For her to not be able to promise me anything, after showing me so much love, I didn’t feel was right or fair. When a person loved someone as much as she loved me, in essence they are saying they had plans to be with me, and not plans just to feel something. Maybe in some cases it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but I didn’t think that applied here. This situation put me in harm’s way. To love me so deeply, to love someone that walked away yet allowed them to feel the same love, then choose not to be with them, I felt was not only abusive, but also somewhat of a violation as well. At times, it felt like she stole my soul. I would almost go as far to say I had to feel the same kind of trauma on some level that a rape victim did because if I had known she would stay after all we shared, especially when what she shared about her husband encouraged me to be here, there was no way I would have consented to this relationship. Unfortunately, what I didn’t know is these feelings I harbored, and even apologized to her for, were not simply going to be forgotten.

My work day was a productive one as I regained my focus after Anya and I shared our thoughts. I just had to find a way to mend her unsettled feelings. When I was about to leave the office for the day, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.

ANYA: “I love you.”

ME: “I love you forever.”

ANYA: “I love you forever.”

After I read her sweet text, I looked up at the blue sky moon, and thanked the universe, as if on cue for the opportunity to work on this mending of her heart. Her text told me she wasn’t giving up on us, even as unsettled as she felt when I realized the text came to me while she hosted her Bunko party. All I could do was smile as my Anya, the one I trusted with my life, reappeared in my life. After I received her text, I decided to go visit my mother to see how she was holding up, but when I got there and stepped inside her room, she was asleep in her bed, with her body facing the wall in the dark. I then quietly closed the door and decided to leave, but not before I saw my father.

“She had a bad day today.” he said.

“I didn’t know.” I said. “I don’t want to bother her. I’ll let her rest.”

“When does your promotion start?” he asked.

“At the end of June, Dad.” I said. “July first, to be exact.”

“Are you ready?”

“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.” I said.

“I’m proud of you, son.”

“Thanks.” I said.

Everything seemed to come to a head in my life. My mother’s battle with Cancer. My career. My relationship with Anya. All I could do was hold on for dear life as I feared I was about to lose all three.