“We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.”
~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca
I didn’t know what the following morning would bring—there was no way to be prepared for it. But if I should’ve expected it? That was another story.
7:46 a.m.
“Good morning! I missed u last night. I love you.”
Her morning text seemed a little bizarre because it seemed closed ended. Still, I didn’t expect anything out of the ordinary other than the fact I was sending the text just as she sent me hers.
ANYA: “Wow! We just texted at the same time! Last nite was fine. House is a mess so guess what I’m doing? Yep! How was yours.”
ME: “It was good. Been thinking about when you told me I was important to you. It meant a lot to me to know that. It helps me when I’m missing you. Thank you for that.”
ANYA: “Of course you’re important to me! Have a great day! Text me later!”
ME: “You too! Will do!”
When our short conversation ended, and I couldn’t help but notice how different it felt; how quick she seemed to end it. I decided not to read into it as she told me she had a busy day with the kids planned so I started my day without thinking about the oddity of it as I held onto her “you’re important to me” statement she made less than twenty-four hours earlier. As much as I tried to forget about the short text messages, she then came clean.
9:18 a.m.
“I don’t think I’m going to the mall today. Couple of things. I’m down and I don’t know why. My husband had an accident and has a laceration near one eye, he may lose vision.”
As much as I disliked Jackson, I didn’t want him to be hurt, to be killed, or to die. Upon hearing this news, I felt bad for him, but what Anya communicated about being “down” and not understanding why was unsettling.
ME: “I’m sorry to hear that. I hope he doesn’t lose his vision. How did it happen? Is that what the doctor said?”
ANYA: “His friend just picked him up to take him into his office to determine surgery. There’s a 50/50 chance he may lose sight. Sharp object working in the garage.”
When Anya told me what happened, I couldn’t help but think if this was the same doctor friend who asked her to “take a chance” with him in the early years of their marriage. It also confused me why he didn’t go to a real hospital especially if there was a fear for a loss of vision? I guess he wanted to avoid the emergency room as it just seemed all different to me the way it was handled. I then asked the question, I somehow got the courage to ask, that would have explained her strange behavior from the night before.
ME: “Did this happen yesterday?”
ANYA: “Yes it happened yesterday but his friend patched it after dilating it and treating it with antibiotics.”
This event and the treatment that followed, especially in the case of a possible loss of vision in one eye, didn’t make sense. The possible loss of vision required just a patching, a dilation and antibiotics from a friend? I didn’t doubt the injury happened, but its severity I did as I wondered if Jackson was trying to get Anya’s attention. That his suspicion was aroused about her whereabouts yesterday as it appeared to happen at the same time we met for tea. I believed Jackson manipulated Anya for years, so much so she felt an obligation to stay with someone who had disrespected her so greatly, as I believed this to be another one of his tactics to destroy her happiness. I then felt its effects when I read her next text.
ANYA: “The problem I’m having is that I’m not down b/c he’s hurt but that I miss you. I asked myself how could this be? I don’t like the person I’ve become.”
After I read this text, I wanted to respond so badly “well then do the right thing and leave.”, but at the same time it would be insensitive to her feelings, even as I faced this insensitive text to mine, but I appreciated her honesty about what she felt as this was something I needed to know, and for her to recognize that without me asking about it made me feel I indeed was important to her. That my feelings about the way she felt mattered, and so did hers even though these feelings scared me terribly. She then further elaborated before I could respond.
ANYA: “How can I be so insensitive? I’m really struggling and just want to crawl in bed. Idk why I’m so down. I’m fighting with myself inside myself.”
As Anya struggled and fought with herself from inside herself, it brought me back to the night when she asked me with nothing but love in her eyes if I would fight for her. I even followed up the next day to make sure she meant it, and that she did. This was what she meant. The times she fought from within against herself, was the time she asked me to fight for her. To see the truth. To bring clarity. She came to me with her struggle because she knew I was the clarity. I personified the truth for her, a truth she struggled to face out of fear. Jackson, whether intentional or not, bullied her emotionally. I felt his injury though unfortunate and something I would’ve never wished on him, presented him with an opportunity to pressure her, to make her feel guilt ad fear for not being there for him at a time of need because she was with me, the truth. Not the truth about her extra marital relationship, but the truth why she should no longer be married to him. It was hard for me not to take this personally as well. I didn’t want her to feel a thing for him, but in the interest of humanity, it was nice to know she did. That she was decent enough to care even in the face of doing things that were detrimental to him, but if anything it showed the extent of his emotional and mental abuse towards her that she would find herself in this position, a position she completely brought upon herself, to feel this way. So whether it hurt me or not, I had to keep my eyes on the truth because it’s why she came to me about it, and being hurt by her words, taking this personal, was not what she needed from the man who loved her more than life itself.
ME: “Babe, it’s b/c you’re in love with another man, and you’re not being true about it. I’m sorry about his “accident” but he has driven you to this point. This is on him, not you. He’s the one who chooses to stay in a marriage where what he considers to be love is not returned. He is really afraid to lose your love or his money? His reputation? You don’t trust him for a reason and it’s a valid one. I think you’re down because you know deep down, like I know you love me, staying for only the sake of the kids, isn’t going to work for anyone. You are seriously the sweetest, most caring, most loving, most sensitive person I know. If you’re ever insensitive to anything it’s for a really good reason. I hope he’s ok and he doesn’t lose his vision and has a speedy recovery. It does make me mad though that you feel bad about this only because I feel this is his burden, not yours. He knows the score and he’s refusing to pay attention to it. He also seems to make it about him as if you’re the reason he ever strayed. Loving someone is more than showering them with expensive gifts and things. You have to respect the people you love and that’s the problem here. In closing, don’t let him make you feel bad about this. This is not you. All you’re doing right now, with all you’re feeling, is taking another step toward the light of the truth, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of or to feel guilty about. That is what you’re becoming, and I love you to death for it. Don’t even think about crawling back in bed, Beautiful. Get out there with the kids and enjoy your day. I’ll shut up now.”
I didn’t want to burden Anya with too much of my feelings on the matter, but I just wanted to shift the guilt completely off her shoulders. Anya was in a different position than Jackson. Jackson was her employer. He held the cards. It was his choice to hold onto to the hand dealt to him knowing he had five cards with only a bluff to play with. I knew Anya was a good person, no matter how she felt about the matter, I didn’t want her to believe being there for Jackson, a man who betrayed and disrespected her so badly that it led her to fall in love with me, was what made her a “good” person. What made her a good person would be to listen and to act on the truth she found in me, but I also understood she needed time to do that, and things weren’t as perfect for her to leave yet as much as I hoped they would be.
Later that afternoon she texted to let me know she and Katie were at the mall near my place. It warmed my heart to know she chose to come out towards my way and not stay at home, as it meant she wanted to be closer to the truth than to avert herself away from it. This wasn’t just missing. This was love. She loved me because I gave her things Jackson never could and never tried to give her, and they were the simpler ones too. I decided to go have lunch at the mall after I received her text although I couldn’t talk to her because she was with Katie, but I just wanted to be close to her.
About a half hour later I texted her to see where she was. After she told me she was at Nordstrom’s Café having lunch, I let her know I just had lunch at the mall as well but at a place called the Comers Bakery where I get my soups from. I also told her I know she couldn’t see me because she was with Katie, but I just wanted to be close to the woman I missed so much.
1:33 p.m.
“I see. I miss you. Where are u now?”
ME: “I’m just walking through the mall now near Sears. Where r u?”
ANYA: “I’m at Nordstrom’s still.”
ME: “I hope it doesn’t bother u that I’m here. I know you’re with Katie.”
ANYA: “Not at all babe. It’s kind of comforting that you’re here. I wish I could see you.”
ME: “I wish I could see u too but I totally understand. I’m just here because I wanted to feel close to you. That’s all. Where are you headed now?”
ANYA: “We’re leaving soon to go to Abercrombie. I love you.”
ME: “I love you!”
I knew there was an Abercrombie near the Sears I just walked by. Even though I felt nervous and a little weird, it would be nice to catch a glimpse of her as my eyes ached for her. I decided to perch myself on a bench just outside Abercrombie to see if I could see her, and I did as I watched her and Katie, with bags in tow, walk into Abercrombie together. It made me feel good just to know she was near me. A few minutes later she texted me.
2:13 p.m.
“Where are you?”
In the middle of responding I noticed she appeared at the window just outside the entrance, as it also looked like Katie was well within the depths of the store. I then waved at her instead as she stood between a few well-dressed mannequins. When she saw me as I sat on the bench about twenty feet away from the glass door entrance, I thought she would wave, but instead she unexpectedly ran out to greet me. In complete shock, I rose and when I saw her outside the store, I didn’t know what to say other than “how are you” as I worried Katie may appear at any time while people passed us by without knowledge of our world. This mall was upscale and high-end. Many beautiful women usually graced its floors on a daily basis, but no one more beautiful to me than the woman who rushed out of a department store just to see me regardless of the circumstances, the truth right before us she sought just hours earlier.
ANYA: “I’m good!”
ME: “Are you getting a lot of shopping done? It’s nice to see you.”
ANYA: “I am! Nice to see you too!”
ME: “Well, I better let you get back at it! Good to see you!”
ANYA: “Good to see you too!”
As I stood there among people as I talked to Anya, I didn’t sense any fear by her that Katie could walk outside at any minute. In fact, it felt like I was more concerned than she was about it. When Anya appeared outside the store without a second’s hesitation when she saw me, it warmed my heart as I began to feel safe again after the morning’s revelation of yesterday’s event. It felt good to feel that the very reason I went to the mall on this day was the very reason she chose to come shopping near me. As I began to walk through the mall on my way back home, Anya sent me a text.
2:19 p.m.
“OMG! What a surprise! Thank you! You made my day better! I love you!”
ME: “You know it’s not every day a man is lucky enough to have the most beautiful girl in the entire mall come out to say hi to him! Thank you! I love you too!”
ANYA: “Ha ha! Ur so wonderful! Thank you for making me feel special.”
I’ve been to this mall a lot of times, but this was the first time I ever left the mall without buying anything, yet return home with more than I came with. Later that afternoon she sent a text.
3:45 p.m.
“I miss you. I love you.”
After I returned the same sentiments, I didn’t hear from her for the rest of the evening and I began to feel unsafe again as I sent her to text to see if she was okay.
9:22 p.m.
“Sorry I’m at my cousin’s Ryan’s 40th Bday party. Better say goodnight. I love you.”
One would think even after the day’s event at the mall, I would feel safe in her feelings for me, but once again a late night text didn’t feel right to me as my mind took the wheel. I began to think about her being bothered by missing me over her husband’s injury. I began to take notice the painful difference between the Anya when we were together and the Anya when we were apart. Whenever she was home, in the company of family and friends, I almost felt like a disease to her rather than the cure, and that was tough for me to acknowledge. I didn’t want to believe in that feeling, but it was starting to become more and more pronounced. Why was her husband willing to accept a roommate situation? Was that typical of all marriages? Why would she even let him have that? I came into her life simply because she told me she was there in a “roommate” situation only because no one would be there for her if she left. Well, here I was. She didn’t have to leave now, but why not make a promise? If you truly loved me, if you truly believed in our love, if you truly wanted to be with me, then why couldn’t she at least make me a promise? The entire month of October had been a difficult one. From her acknowledgement of Yom Kippur as being a serious holy day for her, to her confused feelings about her husband’s eye injury left me dazed. I didn’t wish anything bad on Jackson, especially if he were to lose his vision, as all I wanted was for Anya to do the right thing, the thing she promised me she would do if she fell in love with me; leave him. I gave my soul and my life for her because I believed in her. I believed in all she ever told me. I believed in her love for me. All I wanted was for her to do the right thing. To be consistent with all she ever showed and told me. I felt her love these past few days in her excitement every time she saw me. She didn’t treat me like someone she didn’t love. I just had to concentrate on that so I didn’t pressure her or put her in a situation where she’d feel inclined to leave. I’ve done my best to put her feelings first above my own, so she could be herself around her kids and do the things she needed to do, but it was getting more difficult to hide from her as I felt the instances that led to these negative feelings were growing, even in the middle of my great belief in her love for me. Her eyes could not hide how she felt about me. How she felt about us, and what I meant to her. They were too sincere, but all the parties and get togethers, the façade and the things she did for Jackson, were beginning to pile up and affect me because I felt she should have been just as paralyzed as I was if she felt anything close for me as I felt for her.
The next day, even as I got little sleep, I tried to focus on work however the back and forth, the positive and the negative, began to take its toll even as Anya and I lobbied texts to each other in the morning. Her words “I don’t like what I’ve become” rang in my head like a constant bell. I didn’t like her word usage because it said to me in so many words, “I’d rather live dishonestly” as it seemed to stray away from her “I’d rather die than never have you in my life.” or “You’ve made me into a better person” sentiments. It only irritated me because it seemed honesty was her kryptonite, and to me she would be no worse than Jackson if that were to be true. I would feel completely betrayed at this point if she gave into fear, and that fear, that real possibility she did not like she had become a more honest person, did not allow me to sleep as I feared this may be a long week, one full of missing, and one full of unpredictability. Although I did not doubt her love for me, I doubted her intentions once again and it left me to feel a sense of hopelessness, like I did before I met her and right after Denise had left me. All I could do for the time being was wait and try to be prepared for the unexpected during the most contentious time of our relationship.
8:55 a.m.
“Good morning, babe! Sorry I couldn’t talk last night. Ryan had his party at the race track at Los Alamitos. How was the bookstore? Did you get much writing done?”
ME: “No worries! I hope you had a fun time! I didn’t end up going to the bookstore. I did get more writing done though! It was really nice seeing you yesterday. Thanks for coming out!”
ANYA: “I’m glad u showed up at Abercrombie. How did you know to go to that one? There are two and that one happens to be Abercrombie & Fitch and I didn’t mention that.”
ME: “Oh really there are 2 of them? I had no idea. Just luck of the draw I guess! I thought that was the only one at the mall. I apologize if I seemed like I wasn’t myself. I wanted to give you a hug so bad when I saw you. You caught me off guard by coming out. I didn’t think you would.”
ANYA: “I wanted to give you a hug too but was scared to. I just left Katie inside and walked out w/o any explanation. I thought that was sweet of you to show up.”
ME: “Any chance I get to see you, I want to. I would have been just happy to see you let alone talk to you. I didn’t think I’d get the chance to talk to you.”
ANYA: “I still get so excited every time I see u. It’s amazing!”
ME: “I hope you didn’t feel obligated to come out of the store. I knew you were with Katie and I didn’t want to put you in a bad position. I honestly just went to see you because you had a rough morning so if you needed me I could be there for you. I’m just down the street anyway and it’s not like I drove a great distance or anything. Just please don’t ever feel obligated. You can be honest with me. I can handle it. Not that I think you’re hiding anything from me.”
ANYA: “Of course! Everything I tell you is the truth and I have nothing to hide. I just didn’t want Katie to come out looking for me.”
ME: “Again, it’s not every day the most beautiful girl at the mall comes out of a clothing store to see me! I miss you very much!”
ANYA: “Ha! Most beautiful girl? Ur so cute! I miss you very much too! I love you! Have a great day babe! Text me later! Xoxo!”
During my lunch break, I texted her to see how she was doing, and had the guts to ask her how her week looked, in the hope I’d be able to see her. I guess she was helping Jackson with a building move during the weekend and it seemed to take up most of her time, if not all of it. Again, it hurt only because it was an extension of the façade, but at the same time I understood it was something she needed to do, and it benefited the kids as well, not just her marriage. She also told me she needed a new roller ball for her Blackberry phone so she was busy doing that as well and then had to pick up the kids by 2:30 from school. We then texted that we missed each other and that was the last I heard from her until I exited the office to ask me if I could call her. Even though I had my reservations about doing so because I felt unsettled about this week, and what happened this weekend with her feelings about Jackson, I reluctantly called as the feelings I struggled to hide from her came to the surface.
“Hi babe!” she said once she picked up.
“Hi Beautiful! Always nice to hear your voice.” I said as her voice brought me a sense of safety.
“Nice to hear yours too.”
“How’s your husband?” I asked reluctantly. “I hope he didn’t lose his sight.”
“I think he’s fine. He didn’t lose his sight.”
“I’m glad babe.” I said. “Your texts worried me the other day.”
“Why?”
“Just because it seemed like you wanted to be there for him rather than miss me. Even though you probably didn’t mean anything by it, I took it a little personally.”
“You take things too personally and you shouldn’t do that.”
“I understand, and I know it’s not fair for me to take things personally like that, but I’ve had some really horrible luck with women in the past and sometimes it sneaks up on me. I’ve been through the ringer, and I fear history can repeat itself as it seems to do in my life.”
“I’m not like the others, babe. I love you.”
“I hope you can understand why I feel the way I do about things you say about him though.” I said. “That I trusted all the things you told me about him and it’s the only reason I chose to be in our relationship. No offense babe, you’re the most beautiful woman in the world to me, but the only reason I chose to be in your life was because of the ugly picture you painted of him to me. I hope you know that.”
“I do.”
“Good.” I said. “Sometimes I worry if I’m more of a luxury to you than a need.”
“Why do you feel that way?” she asked.
“I don’t know. It just seems like you’re okay with seeing each other when you have time. Every week or so. Maybe it’s unfair to say that. I know you juggle a lot to see me, but I don’t know. I guess I would like to know because I don’t understand how you’re good with only seeing me when you have time to do so while I need to see you, like I did at the mall yesterday even when I knew chances were I’d not get to hold you or talk to you. Maybe you feel your feelings for me would change or mine would if we saw each other more?”
Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.
“That’s not true at all, babe. You’re wrong.”
“Ok, I just wanted to let you know how I was feeling. I always want you to feel comfortable sharing with me anything even if it hurt me. I’m trying to leave that door and window open for you.”
“I don’t feel that way at all…and I’d tell you if that was the case.”
“Ok. I understand that’s a hard thing to tell someone and I wanted to give you the opportunity if that’s how you felt. Sometimes, it’s the way I feel though. I hope you know I miss you very much and that’s where this is coming from, and I hope you’re seeing some kind of future together.”
“I try to gauge the kids and ask them about divorce.” she said.
“Ok.” I said. “I’m sorry if that sounded like pressure to you. I apologize.”
“After I meet you on Friday, I’m going to have lunch with my mother-in law.”
“Ok.” I said stunned she told me this after my rant as I tried not to let it bother me.
“She’s having a hard time adjusting to living in Aliso Viejo.”
“I understand.” I said. “Babe, I’ll let you go. I have some work I have to get done before I go to bed.”
“Ok.” she said. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I had to escape from the conversation as I felt more unease. I loved to hear her voice but I didn’t like it when that voice told me she planned to meet her mother-in-law on Friday. How could she look at her with a straight face in the middle of a deep relationship with someone other than her son? Didn’t she tell me she was sick of her opinions? She saw a future with me, gauged the kids to see how they felt about a divorce, then met Jackson’s mother after she leaves my apartment on Friday? Inside, I realized I was losing this fight. The missing became greater without warning, more pronounced than ever before, and now every little thing she did began to affect me on a massive scale.
To defend her husband, to do things that benefited her husband that were done in a dishonest nature now bothered me deeply. I didn’t want to blame her, but at the same time the truth was if she hadn’t painted a grotesque picture of the man, I would not feel all the pain I did now as I didn’t understand why the faithful, loyal, caring, thoughtful one was the one left to feel punished. If she believed for a moment that her marriage could be salvaged in any way, then I felt she should have communicated that to me. “Look I don’t think I can leave because of the kids.” Then if I decided to still give her a chance, then I deserved all I felt now, but I only did what she asked of me to do for her, and took a huge leap of faith and belief in her in the process. I didn’t understand how she could do this, and even worse, never understand how she could let me go all because I informed her of these things. At this point, if things didn’t work out, after she told me about Yom Kippur, how she felt about her husband’s “laceration” and now meeting with her mother-in law, I’d feel she chose her marriage and Jackson, a man who mentally and emotionally abused her, over me, the one who truly cared for her. The one who truly loved her. The one who made great sacrifices for her that left me to feel paralyzed and unable to do anything while she went to parties, shows and trips. All without a single real care as to how it would make me feel to find these things out after I had poured my heart and soul into her. All the things she did, day in and day out, to keep her marriage alive and functioning, now disgusted me. It felt like a sharp slap in my face at times so it was now very hard for me not to take these things personally as it seemed every time we got together now was only to mend a heart that broke almost every day. Of course, this is how I felt at the moment, but it was becoming more often I felt this way. In addition, I couldn’t tell her this. It might upset her and then the kids could learn about us and I didn’t want that to happen. I was in a tough spot like a soldier in a foxhole surrounded by the enemy as it seemed only a matter of time, I’d be found out and crushed.
The difference between Anya and I, wasn’t the obvious one, she was married and I was single. The real schism existed because she was most comfortable living a dishonest life and I was most comfortable living an honest one. I was a deeply authentic person and I was in unfamiliar territory that left me to feel naked and uncomfortable yet more aware than ever. I just wanted to get my promotion and begin to live a truthful life again. Anya lived a dishonest life for so long, it didn’t faze her as I believed she felt uncomfortable living an honest one, the one I sought for both of us. I felt her kids were living in a neighborhood where divorces and infidelity was commonplace and that money ruled all. Was that really a good place to raise her kids? She claimed to care about their well-being but she must have meant their financial well-being because I didn’t know how their emotional well-being could be healthy if their own mother’s wasn’t. I saw Anya getting to spend more time with her kids and even being a better mother if she left Jackson because she would be happier and not hanging out with her friends as much at bars. She claimed to have no future plans even with me in her life? She claimed to me “money and things don’t lead to happiness” yet she decorated her son’s bedroom walls with dollar bill caked wallpaper? She allowed Katie access to her purse anytime she wanted to? Now she’s meeting with her mother-in-law on Friday? Did she think all because she had money she was entitled to people’s feelings as well? And all I wanted to do was believe her. All I want to do was trust that she wouldn’t bring me this far for nothing. That she wouldn’t bring me in her life, and ask me to do the things I did for her, just to leave me hanging out to dry with all these feelings of love for her. I had to admit, I was becoming lost and falling apart at the seams, as my love for her never waned but actually grew stronger. The more I felt like this, the more I felt if she stayed it would be for him, and not just for the kids, and that stamped my life out more than anything in this world ever could.
I believed Anya knew what she shared with me at the end of our phone conversation didn’t sit well with me as she texted me right after the phone call.
7:51 p.m.
“Thanks for calling. I love your voice on the other side, makes me feel closer. It doesn’t matter what we talk about. Just to have you talk to me is enough. I miss you”
ME: “Hearing your voice makes me feel closer to you as well. I miss you too.”
I also couldn’t understand how we could talk about any topic and it wouldn’t affect her at all. I seriously didn’t think Anya did this on purpose, I just didn’t think she realized how some of the things she did and felt could affect me. One of the things I bet on was Anya’s yearning to live an honest life; that she was an authentic person. To meet her mother in law under these circumstances took the air out of me and all the happiness I felt over the weekend. I also was very tired, and had a long stressful day at work as I felt this contributed to my negative emotions. I knew Anya could say or do one thing and then I’d snap out of this funk and feel completely different, but for now I didn’t feel any relief and only agony regardless of how closer it made her feel to me when she heard my voice. She then sent me a probe text as I remained mostly mute about the nature of our call and how I abruptly ended it, something I never did.
7:52 p.m.
“What’s wrong? JK”
ME: “I’m sorry babe. I’m just tired that’s all. It’s been a long day.”
ANYA: “I know babe. I love you forever!”
ME: “I love you forever too.”
Although I tried to give Anya the impression I wasn’t upset with her with anything she told me, when she sent me another text over an hour later, I knew I couldn’t hide my negative emotions from her.
9:46 p.m.
“Goodnight babe! I love you!”
ME: “Goodnight Beautiful. I love you too.”
And she made sure the next morning I knew, that she knew.
7:49 a.m.
“Good morning! Were you mad last night?”
Even though I didn’t fall asleep until three in the morning, I decided to hold my ground and not let her know what bothered me.
ME: “No. Why would you think that?”
ANYA: “By your punctuation!”
I had to cycle back and read through my text last night to see, but she was right. My punctuation totally gave myself away, but that’s how reliant this relationship was on the English language and grammar usage. I could be in trouble on that alone.
ME: “Crap. You got me.”
ANYA: “I’m on to you!”
ME: “It’s like you’re Sherlock Holmes or somethin’…”
ANYA: “Precisely…My Dear Landyn!”
Her response to my nod to Sherlock Holmes brought a huge smile on my face as I seemed to forget all about the lunch meeting with her mother in law until she didn’t allow me to further forget.
ANYA: “Btw what kind of soup do you like at the Comers Bakery? My mother in law wants to meet there for lunch on Friday cuz she likes the butter nut soup.”
Did she realize how hard it was for me to hear she was having lunch with her mother in law, the mother of the son she married who she wasn’t being faithful to because he screwed her over four times? Should this bug me as much as it did? Did she not understand how this would upset me after I’ve given her the last year of my life? As much as I still didn’t understand why she would carry on the charade, I decided to bite my lip afraid to lose the good vibe we built this morning between us. I’d been fatigued and stressed out at work as I fell behind on many of my engagements, and really needed to pick up the pace. Whenever I had to work more, it made it tougher because I’d be less available to see her, and that only added to the longing.
ME: “I really like their tomato soup. Never had their butternut soup.”
ANYA: “Ok thanks! 3 more days!”
ME: “3 more days! Seems like forever since I last saw you!”
Three more days until I get to see you for a couple of hours before you meet up with your mother in law” is what I wanted to text her, but I held off afraid it might hurt her feelings. What if it was her only way to see me and it was her alibi?
ANYA: “I know! It feels like it’s been forever since I last saw u! Have a nice day sweets! I love you!”
ME: “Have a great day, babe! I love you too!”
Was I a “sweets” or a sucker or just a sucker for being a “sweets”? I didn’t know but I knew I’d feel worse if I said anything about her Friday meeting with her mother in law. I just didn’t think it was right. It probably made Anya feel like a better person, but if she’s still a dishonest one, how could it truly make her feel that way? I didn’t like its non-authentic nature, and I didn’t agree with it at all. I just didn’t want to say anything that may upset her around her kids. I had to wait until I could present it better to her because right now the emotion was so raw it would be a total display of passive-aggressive behavior, probably my biggest weakness as a person, a behavior I wasn’t fully aware I possessed until I fell in love with Anya, but I almost had to have it by default because of the sensitive nature of our relationship, and how she could be affected around her children. As much as this meeting with her mother-in law bothered me, and anything else that did, I couldn’t let her have it. In the past whenever I did, I was usually wrong about it even though this time, after how she felt about her husband’s accident and being upset about missing me more than him, I felt I had a valid reason to be upset this time around. At around lunch time, she sent me a text that further validated the way I felt.
12:26 p.m.
“Sending u lots of luv! Xoxo!”
Now she was sending me lots of “luv”? I felt like texting her “Btw what is “luv”? I know “love” but aren’t you missing a couple of letters here? I then, for the first time, began to question my own sanity. How could I be so sensitive to this? The word “luv”? And for the first time it really hit me how much this woman’s love meant to me. How much it meant everything to me. How much my entire existence had now come to rely upon it. That the subtle difference between her “love” and “luv” could send me to the thought of a marine green bridge on a city’s waterfront. I fought to come to my senses, to laugh at this, but I couldn’t. What I could do though, was realize I was very tired, I had gotten little sleep, and was stressed out at work. And again, even though my feelings were hurt, how could I ever feel she intended to hurt them by merely typing “luv”? For some reason, my instinct, my intuition, was telling me something didn’t feel quite right with her. That she hid her true feelings about me from me, even about us and our future she claimed to not know about. Every visit we had, every meeting she planned to make with me, gave me hope she saw a future together, and she would make good on the promise she made to me when we first started seeing each other; to be together if she fell in love with me. That, if nothing at all, was worth leaning on more than my sensitivity to a unique word spelling.
Our afternoon text exchange was extremely shorter than usual especially after I told her I wasn’t having the best of days, which didn’t help with the onslaught of negative feelings about her “luv” for me as she told me to “hang in there”. I just didn’t feel the “love” and only the “luv” or fun she seemed to be having at a time I desperately needed to see her “love”. I sent her a text to tell her I missed her in case maybe it was her who wasn’t feeling the “love” from me as her response gave me a respite from the emotional disaster I seemed to be headed towards.
1:47 p.m.
“Awww baby. I miss u too. I was just thinking about u. Decided to make my pumpkin/butternut risotto and was wondering if you’d like it. Katie will be happy.”
Another extremely difficult thing about not being together was the fact Anya seemed to be a great cook and enjoyed doing so. I ate out all the time and although I didn’t eat too unhealthy it sure would’ve been nice to have a good home cooked meal every so often. Living with Anya was a fantasy of mine because of how much fun we’d have together in the kitchen as I wanted to be a better cook myself. I dreamt about taking a cooking class together and both of us being able to cook for each other one day. The more I dreamt about that particular scenario, one of many we could definitely share together, the harder it was to accept her staying as I knew she would not only give me a reason to wake up every morning but also prolong my life so I’d have my fair share of early mornings.
ME: “Babe, I’m sure anything you cooked up, I would enjoy it. It sounds tasty even though I will admit I never had risotto of any kind before!”
ANYA: “I’m going to look up roasted tomato basil soup recipe and perfect it!”
ME: “That’s very sweet of you, babe. I’m sure I’d love it anyway.”
I thought it was very thoughtful of her to think of me when she made soups. She told me she loved to make them in October and here we were right in the middle of it, true to her word. I now felt her “love” again, as I chalked up her “luv” as being comfortable with me, and I was happy she felt that way. I was a playful type of man, not a serious type where every little thing bothered me, and I began to realize I was losing the playful fun side of me, the side she fell in love with. I couldn’t let these things bother me, but at the same time I never saw Denise’s breakup with me coming. When it blindsided me, I felt left out in the cold, and distraught with negative feelings about life and even thought about ending it, although I never believed I would, but the pain was that deep for me as I no longer felt inspired by life. Although Anya taught me that I never truly was in love with Denise, it didn’t mean I wasn’t emotionally bound to her in anyway. It wasn’t so much her breaking her my heart as it was how badly she made me feel about myself. I didn’t like myself and I knew if I didn’t, no one else would. Anya’s love gave me the ability to love myself and losing her would be to lose that for good. My entire life was simply at stake, and innately, I knew this truth although I would never tell Anya after she admitted to being scared for having replaced my bitterness, hurt and sadness. If I placed another burden on her, a burden personal to me, she would leave and once she did, I’d know she didn’t love me and that my life, whatever was left of it, would be over. With the way, I handled heartbreak for a woman I didn’t truly love, now with a career job that depended on a sound mental state, I know I’d lose everything and not just Anya. And there was no turning back now and no know that turned off all I felt.
Knowing all that was now at stake for me, I wanted to be more focused on the positive than I‘d been. The fact she wanted to perfect a tomato basil soup recipe for me was very sweet of her, and I looked upon that as a huge extension of her love for me, and I was touched and flattered by it. I sent her a text later that evening to thank her for her recipe of thoughtfulness.
7:26 p.m.
“Awww hun you don’t have to thank me. It was just a natural thing for me. Obviously, you like the soup cuz u go there often to have it.”
ME: “Well I really appreciated the thought. It was very sweet and I look forward to having a real soup for once!”
She then hit me with something I totally forgot I told her about that I often snacked on.
ANYA: “Guess what? I picked up a box of Cheezits and I had them today! Wanted to copy u! Ok I haven’t had Cheezits in 4 years! They were quite buttery and good!”
ME: “Yes! I love Cheezits! They are quite buttery and good! You should try putting them in the freezer. They are really good cold! My mom hooked me on those when I was a kid. She always had them around the house. We might have lived off them for a time. Doesn’t surprise me we both like them! We like almost all the same things! Why not Cheezits? Glad you enjoyed them!”
ANYA: “Really? In the freezer? That’s b/c we’re soulmates! I did! Katie loved it!”
ME: “Well I hope she saves some for mom! The soup may not be a big deal to you but it meant a lot to me. I didn’t have the best of nights last night. I couldn’t fall asleep until 3 and it’s been a long day. What was no big deal to you made my day, babe. Thank you.”
ANYA: “Why 3 p.m.? Were you down?”
ME: “My mind works overtime at night sometimes when I need it to shut down.”
ANYA: “You must have a lot on your mind.”
ME: “I’m under a lot of stress and pressure at work right now. A couple of clients with problems I haven’t seen before, but they always go pretty well in the end. Just getting there has taken longer than I hoped. I’ll get through it.”
ANYA: “I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart babe. It breaks my heart to hear that. I wish I could have been there for you.”
ME: “You were there for me babe. Just texting me. Meeting me for tea on Saturday. You’ve been there. Did you think it was something else?”
ANYA: “Idk. I thought maybe you were up late watching TV and couldn’t go back to sleep.”
ME: “I have bouts with insomnia sometimes. I don’t take anything to fall asleep and so I guess it takes a long time trying to shut my mind down.”
ANYA: “I understand.”
ME: “Rest assured tonight though I will sleep like a baby. In fact, I better get to bed. I’m beat. Have a goodnight beautiful. I love you. I miss you. Thanks again for the thoughtfulness.”
ANYA: “That’s good babe. I miss u and I love u too. Sweet dreams. Goodnight.”
Even though she was still having lunch on Friday with her mother-in-law, I felt much better after our conversation and happy I acknowledged my current situation at work affected my mood and how I perceived things, even as I remained unsettled by her mother in law meeting on Friday and other things that transpired during the past week that kept me on guard. At least for a night, I would be able to not let those things steamroll in my head, but I felt secure if they did, I’d be able to present them in a way Anya would understand.
The next morning, I texted her good morning and asked her the burning question all inquiring minds wanted to know about her morning; did she have Cheezits for breakfast?
8:40 a.m.
“I’m glad ur feeling better. I’m good thanks. Another busy day? No Cheezits babe.”
ME: “I’m sure it will be another busy one. I think they going to assign me to a new engagement. Do you have a busy one today?”
ANYA: “Does that mean you have to work on Friday? My day is going to be busy steady. I’m co-hosting a (mindless) Bunko game w/my friend on Friday night so getting ready for that.”
I got the sense she seemed a little stressed out about something on this morning. It almost felt like she hoped I had to work on Friday so she could cancel on me, and spend time with her mother-in-law instead and this Bunko party she now had planned with a friend. Or maybe I was just imagining thing as my insecurity sprang to life.
ME: “Oh no, I still have Friday off. Are you ok?”
ANYA: “Yes why?”
ME: “Idk, you seem a little stressed out.”
ANYA: “How can you tell?”
ME: “By your punctuation! I’m on to you!”
ANYA: “Ha! Well yes and no. I have a lot on my mind with the corporate office move and party for Friday. I may have to cancel my lunch cuz I may have to go into the OC office. Move starts Fri.”
It seemed like her visit with me on Friday was creating a burden on her, one my low self-esteem and insecurity deemed to be unnecessary, and it felt like a hint I should take the lead on no matter how much it would leave to miss her more than I already did.
ME: “Sweetheart, if it’s too much trouble to come see me this Friday, we can meet another time. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate that day, and I don’t want you to be more stressed out than you are. We can see each other next week. It sounds like it’s putting too much stress on you to do all these things on Friday.”
ANYA: “Not at all! I’m canceling my lunch w/my mother-in-law cuz I have to go in at some point and I won’t have time. I’m still planning on Fri around 10ish.”
Initially she had planned to come see me at around noon, but now she planned to come see me at 10ish so she could spend more time with me. The way she had no hesitation in canceling on her mother in law made me feel where the burden of stress rested upon. The fact she chose to spend time with me over her mother-in-law after I offered once again spoke volumes about where her heart and mind was, and where she wanted to be and go without even having to ask her, without ever having to bring up why she was meeting with her mother-in-law considering our relationship. It was good to know she didn’t feel right about it as she decided to canceled on the fake part of her day.
The hardest part for me about this particular week, and why I felt some trepidation about it was mostly because it was unusual that Anya didn’t text me in the afternoon everyday like she usually did as I had to initiate the afternoon texts between us. I started to depend on my lunch time exchanges with her, the only real time during work I could talk, so I tried to bridge a gap I feared was missing for a reason I have yet to learn of. I decided to ask her for the recipe for the tomato soup she planned to perfect for me.
12:40 p.m.
“The recipe is quite simple babe. Hope you’re having a good day! Xoxo!”
Her response was closed ended and it worried me even more than if she had just not texted me at all. I knew she had a lot on her plate, but she always did so something beyond my awareness appeared to be out of place. At least it’s what my intuition told me.
ME: “I’m having a good day. How’s yours coming along? I hope you’re still ok.”
ANYA: “I am. Just running around! This week seems long! It’s only Wed!”
ME: “Doesn’t it feel like Friday is a week away and not just 2 days away?”
ANYA: “No kidding! Can’t wait to see you!”
ME: “I can’t wait to see you too! I love you!”
ANYA: “I love you!”
I believe this was the first time I ever had the guts to send her a probe “I love you” text to see if she met me punctuation wise, and she quickly did. Even though something still seemed off base, I chalked her silence up to just another stressful afternoon for her. The last thing I wanted to do was add on to it for her.
About an hour later, the Anya I knew reappeared.
2:05 p.m.
“Do you want to know the easy way or the hard (time consuming) way? Of course, it’s always better to make it from scratch which is the hard way.”
ME: “I didn’t know there was more than one way. Whatever way you have time to explain!”
ANYA: “I don’t have the recipe in front of me but it’s basically blending roasted tomatoes (homemade or canned), garlic, olive oil, basil, cream and chicken stock. After this crazy weekend, I will try both ways!”
ME: “What’s the shorter version?”
ANYA: “Ok you roast tomatoes in the oven w/olive oil about 45 min first. That’s what takes up time. Then you sauté onions and garlic. Throw all the rest in a blender.”
ME: “I’ve heard the term many times in my life but what does it means to sauté? Also, what is chicken stock? Never heard of it.”
ANYA: “What? Ok I can’t tell u how to make it over text. Too complicated. I will make it next week and give u the perfect recipe. My version! You can buy chicken stock, beef stock or veggie stock in the grocery store. It’s just clear soup made from chicken, beef or veggies. Of course, I always use veg stock. I take it you don’t cook much.”
I had been with Anya for almost eleven months now, and knew her for sixteen months, and not once has she used the word “what” unless something bothered her. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something affected her. I just didn’t know yet what it was as her patience with me seemed to be on an unusually short leash as it left me to feel she would cancel with me on Friday if given the chance. She then continued with her informative texts.
ANYA: “I would use chicken stock for you since you like that taste. Usually you can’t tell the difference although I can cuz I’ve been a vegetarian for so long.”
ME: “I’m not much of a cook babe. I eat out most of the time. If you were in my life I’d be inclined to eat in and cook more but it’s just me and I haven’t had the time to learn although I’ve always wanted to with a wife or serious girlfriend. I just didn’t want you to go out of your way to make me something that takes up so much time considering how busy you are babe, although I do appreciate the thoughtfulness in wanting to do so. Just thought maybe I could try myself but it seems pretty involved and I can fuck up a piece of toast, trust me, so I’ll just wait.”
ANYA: “Ha ha! Awww babe. That’s ok. I would have fun teaching you. I could tease you forever!”
ME: “I would love to learn from you. Trust me you could have a field day teasing me in the kitchen! I would just ask you to do so wearing a skirt and high heels!”
ANYA: “Ha ha! And a bottle of wine? We’ll never get any cooking done!”
ME: “Oh don’t worry babe. We’ll cook something up! Whatever you cooked up would taste good anyway!”
ANYA: “Ha ha! Thanks babe! U would never tell me my cooking sucks anyway! You’re too nice!”
ME: “You’re busting your tail off for me, making me a great meal. It’s the fact you were thoughtful enough to prepare a meal for me and I’d be grateful.”
ANYA: “I would never look at it as “busting my tail off”! It would be my pleasure!”
ME: “I’ve never had anyone care enough about me to do that for me and I’d never take that for granted. I’d truly appreciate it.”
ANYA: “Really? You’re breaking my heart, babe. I would so cook for you! I would wait for you in a skirt and heels! Oh and a bottle of wine of course!”
ME: “Now I really can’t wait to see you on Friday!”
ANYA: “I can’t wait to see you too! I love u!”
ME: “I love you so much!”
ANYA: “I love you so much too!”
The sensual cooking lessons really got me going and it made me miss her that much more as I believed these special cooking lessons had a real chance at happening one day. I still got a sense something was off with her, but it was nice to know her fun self could make an appearance on an off-beat day.
About an hour later she texted to me to see what I was up to for the evening but when I told her and asked her the same, I didn’t hear from her until over an hour later, another unusual quirk she exhibited on this day. When she did get back to me however, she revealed what affected her mood on this day.
7:28 p.m.
“Just got home. Staying in tonight. I don’t think I’m going to run on Sunday. My friends will run/walk. I pulled something and I felt it this morning.”
I knew how much these races meant to her, how they made her nervous and made her count her medals the night before for inspiration. If she was unable to run, I knew it affected her because running was what she used to deal with stress, and especially with her busy Friday, I could tell this was why she was not herself on this particular day. It just broke my heart I couldn’t be there for her. To hold her. Kiss her. Reassure her. Help her out in any way I could. That was the hardest part for me because I loved and cared about her so much, and it became harder to go through from this distance.
ME: “Were you hoping to beat your last time? Where are you hurting, babe?”
ANYA: “We’re just doing this race for fun. No timing. Side of my knee. Left outer. I’m bummed about it. Oh well that’s the way it goes. I’ll rest before the next half.”
ME: “I’m so sorry to hear that babe. I know what these races mean to you.”
ANYA: “It’s ok. Comes with the territory. I better go. Andrew has 2 tests tomorrow and he’s freaking out. I’m going to stay up studying with him. Goodnight love. I love you.”
As the day ended and began its transformation into night, I felt more secure she wanted to see me on Friday as she revealed she hurt her knee early that morning and it ruined her race on Sunday. As I went to bed that night as I wished she was with me so I could have made her feel better about it, I chalked up my wonder about her unusual behavior to related to just a bum knee. Once she bridged that gap, I vowed to be more positive and to not dwell on my past luck with women, but only in the goodness in all the luck that surrounded me in Anya. Times had changed. The dark days were truly behind me and a true metamorphosis had taken place through Anya’s love for me as I was able to soundly fall asleep without worry.
The next day though, two months exactly from our perfect morning, she was silent as the sun rose into a morning sky. I tried to not let it affect me at work, but for the first time in at least seven months, there was no “good morning” text. No “good afternoon” text even as consistent as that was with the rest of the week. I wanted to text her to see how she was doing but I feared she was stressed out and too busy to talk like she seemed yesterday as I feared a closed ended text. As the hours passed, the less focused I became at work, to such a point I became paralyzed and unable to work at a time I desperately needed to as I morphed into a mental zombie unable to concentrate.
When a text did finally arrive well into the early afternoon, there was no greeting and no love, as nothing could prepare me for what she had to say, brought upon by a movie I mentioned in passing a couple weeks ago.
2:17 p.m.
“Watched “Unfaithful” this morning by myself. It shook me up. Though I don’t think I’m doing the same thing cuz I’m unhappy and I’m in love with you. It’s still wrong.”
Before I could respond she sent me another text that detailed her emotions and intent.
2:18 p.m.
“It broke my heart to see her neglect her son. I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”
After I read her fear ridden texts, I know knew the reason why she asked me if I would fight for her, as I realized the biggest fight of my life, for life itself, was now upon me.