"If a man could be two places at one time, I'd be with you.

Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way."

~ "If" Bread

“I want to wear your ring” left me feeling like the fictional boxer Rocky Balboa in the second “Rocky” movie. When Adrian awoke from her coma, and beckoned him to come close so she could tell him to “win” for her—a bout she initially held reservations for. Her words, just like Adrian’s “win” did for Rocky, represented a defining moment in my fight for her because I now knew what she wanted without a doubt, and I’d rather lose my life than for her to never wear my ring. She wanted her husband to love her in this life; it’s why she married him and she trusted him to, but he didn’t “win” for her, but for himself. It was simply my turn now to “win” for Anya.

ME: “You know I want that more than anything.”

ANYA: “I’m just so sad.”

To read she was just “so sad” broke my heart as I learned the reason she stayed in bed all morning, and into the afternoon, wasn’t because she celebrated the birth of their daughter with her husband, but because she wanted to celebrate our love, and if there was ever a time I thought to myself “this girl was made for me”, this was the time.

ME: “Babe, please don’t be sad. I’m here, Sweetheart.”

ANYA: “I’m so in love with you. I’m tired and am really emotional.”

ME: “I’m so in love with you too. I understand how you feel. You were on my mind all weekend.”

ANYA: “I thought about you all weekend too. It was crazy but you never left my mind.”

ME: “You should take it easy and just relax today. Stay in bed all day if you have to but get some rest. You’re exhausted babe.”

ANYA: “I think I was “on” all week and am just coming down. Just drained.”

ME: “Did you have time to eat at all? Do you feel sick? I miss u.”

ANYA: “I did. I don’t feel sick at all. I miss u always.”

I wanted so badly to take care of her, and wished more than ever I could knowing I was the cure for her pain as I hated to picture her in bed struggling to hide her emotions from the ones she needed to. When I thought about her husband, who had to know her melancholy on some level, notwithstanding the fact he was truly responsible for it, it literally made me talk to myself with so many things I wanted to tell him as they swelled inside my head, but I mostly talked out loud only because I knew I could not unload any of these words on him.

After her morning revelation, I walked outside under a sky that seemed more blue and breathed in air that seemed more crisp after such an emotional week for me she knew nothing about. I felt for the first time, Jackson Caiaphas, was on the ropes as her emotional disclosure gave me more hope than I ever had about anything in my life. Later that evening, she sent me a text consistent with all she relayed to me earlier that morning.

7:20 p.m.

“I love you.”

ME: “I love you, too. Did you get any rest?”

ANYA: “Yes I did. Out walking with Debbie.”

ME: “Oh! Good for you! Tell Debbie I said hello. I miss you.”

ANYA: “I miss u so much. Maybe I can see you on Friday for a bit?”

ME: “I would love to see you on Friday!”

ANYA: “K! Let’s plan on it! I better say goodnight, babe. I love you.”

After such a mentally debilitating week, I couldn’t have fathomed it ending in this fashion, and although I played it well this weekend, the truth was I struggled mightily. I just needed her to take that step; just one step to a promise. For her to not only know but to also teach that in a marriage, the relationship between a husband and wife is the foundation, not the children. That a marriage should not be run like a political machine or even like a business. In contractual terms, yes, it is technically a partnership, but it should mean a lot more than a reason to file a joint tax return. Marriage is simply founded on love and should always be predicated upon that very principle, and not just a partnership but rather the best of friendships. Anya shared a bed and a life with someone she simply did not trust, and that alone was grounds for the termination of the partnership contract between them: a breach that only made her sad, unhappy, and angry. Although her kids represented the only reason for her tolerance, it should not have also represented the only reason for her to stay especially with her being in love with someone else.

I now wondered almost constantly, with great interest and anxiousness, when Jackson planned to talk to her. The sooner he did, the better as I wanted to take advantage of where Anya now truly stood on us. I believed she now realized what we had was rare and something she truly deserved as even in the midst of a probable divorce, Anya showed me, more than ever, how much I meant to her. She had done her time as Mrs. Caiaphas and now the time appeared ripe for freedom from her mental abuser. My greatest disappointment however was that I couldn’t be the one to explain to Jackson what Anya was “going through” as I believed I knew more than even she did. I then began to fear Jackson would continue to hold this over her head; to keep her guessing as part of the mind games he always played with her. He would choose to talk to her at his leisure; the same man who cared so much about his marriage he bragged about it to me. If he loved her so much and he knew she was in love with another man and clearly didn’t want to be with him, then why not let her go and give her the happiness he stole from her? They could work something out in an amicable manner between them and also be adults enough to explain it to their kids in a way which they could understand. His “love” for Anya didn’t make any sense to me, but then again if he truly loved her, I wouldn’t have been in her life for a single second let alone the last nine months.

The next morning, we shared a brief exchange as she informed me of a half marathon she planned to run with her race group of friends in four weeks, and now that the Bar Mitzvah was behind her she had to “step up” her running. Later that afternoon on my lunch break I sent her a text to see how she was doing.

ANYA: “OMG! I was thinking of u! In my office working listening to Buble!”

ME: “Well I don’t think you can ever go wrong with Buble! I love you.”

ANYA: “I love you babe.”

ME: “Still on cloud nine here after reading your “I want to wear your ring” text. It was just really nice to know.”

ANYA: “I think about that often! I wouldn’t care if your ring was made of bamboo. I love you forever.”

ME: “I love you forever too, but even though bamboo is fairly strong, I think you deserve a lot more from me than a twig to wear on your finger!”

ANYA: “Ha I love it! I just meant it wouldn’t matter what it was made out of. I would just love to wear something of yours.”

ME: “There could be no greater honor than the woman I love more than life itself wearing something of mine.”

ANYA: “I’m touched. I’m so in love with you.”

For her to accept a ring made merely from bamboo, basically a thick twig to wear only because it was from me, should have been all the evidence I needed for her to leave him. To know someone I loved so deeply felt that strongly about me made it that much more meaningful and significant, as it was things like this that never allowed me to give up on her. My dream of proposing to her under the Eiffel Tower, a hope I began to save for, seemed more of a reality on this day than any other that preceded it and even though I knew the task would be impossible, I vowed to look for something beautiful enough for such a beautiful person to wear. I simply wanted her to know when the day came, without any fear and without any doubt, that what she wore on her finger from me would truly and always represent love, something she always deserved from a man who truly loved her.

Even though she was busy throughout as she combed her home office diligently for statements related to a rental building and shuttled her kids to and from school, and back and forth from their activities, the day still miraculously brought behavior consistent with her indifference to wearing something that resembled a tree branch from me. As she cooked dinner for them that evening, she shot a text to me for further conveyance.

5:51 p.m.

“Hi baby!”

ME: “Hi babe! Did you find your statements today? Did you run this morning? How’s your ankle holding up?”

ANYA: “I did. I just needed 07 income statements from a rental building. Didn’t run in am. Ankle is perfect! How was your day? I miss you.”

ME: “I miss you too. Happy your ankle feels good! Glad you found the statements! Day was good but long. I’m heading out to grab dinner right now.”

ANYA: “Do you eat dinner out every night babe?”

ME: “Unfortunately. I don’t have time to go shopping or cook. I’m usually really hungry when I get home so I just grab something because it’s quick.”

ANYA: “I understand. Where are you going to eat?”

ME: “Del Taco tonight.”

ANYA: “Del Taco? I love your honesty!”

ME: “I know. Not the healthiest of choices! My dinner venues sometimes aren’t the best, but hey…it tastes good! I stay in and try to cook on the weekends though.”

ANYA: “Ha! I love it! I love you forever!”

ME: “I love you forever! I tell you what. After I present you with my bamboo ring, I’ll splurge and take you to Del Taco sometime for dinner. My treat.”

ANYA: “Ha! I like Del Taco at 2 am after a night of drinking. Pathetic I know.”

ME: “I guess I’m pathetic too because lord knows how many times I’ve been at that drive thru window at 2 am! I don’t know how you’re able to stay away from unhealthy food being a vegetarian.”

ANYA: “Not always!”

ME: “Yeah, but your will power is still extraordinary!”

ANYA: “I don’t think it’s about strength babe. I think it’s about preference. I could be starving on an island and you still couldn’t get me to eat meat. I’d eat leaves.”

ME: “Wow! I would really love to live on an island with you. I’d prepare dinner every night if we were both on an island together. All I have to do is grab you a few leaves to munch on and you’re set! Leave the leaves to me!”

ANYA: “Haha!!!”

As we enjoyed a fun conversation about her affinity for leaves, the conversation would take an unexpected turn and it left me shell shocked as she abruptly shifted gears.

ANYA: “I just don’t get “open” relationships. People actually agree and carry on. Just strange to me.”

ME: “I don’t get open relationships either. They are definitely not for me.”

ANYA: “I know. Can you imagine if we were together and u kiss me goodbye and wish me luck on a nite out with another man? How does that make sense?”

ME: “It doesn’t make any sense especially if I truly loved you. I wouldn’t be able to stomach the thought of you with someone else, let alone the act. I won’t even look at another woman when I am in love with someone. I have no desire to.”

ANYA: “It’s ok to look isn’t it? As long as u don’t stare and make it so obvious that it’s uncomfortable for the partner.”

ME: “Ok to look in front of the partner? I don’t think so.”

ANYA: “Ok to look? I wouldn’t expect my partner to have the blinders on. Do u?”

If I wasn’t fully surprised by her response, I was really taken aback by Anya’s question as the phone began to tremble in my palm. I guess it was human nature to look at times, but that didn’t make it right especially in front of the partner. How could she not expect the man she loved, the man who claimed to love her, to not have his “blinders” on? And if you truly loved someone, why would you ever feel the need to look at all? Even when Anya was not with me, I never felt the need to check out other women. In fact, I couldn’t have been more aloof and disinterested in other women; I just loved her that much, and it’s why I found myself so sensitive at times when she did or said things I didn’t expect...like this. As she rendered me in a state of discomfort and sudden insecurity, I struggled with my emotions as I attempted to tactfully communicate my concern about this acceptance of a symptom of disloyal behavior from a partner who claimed to love her, in total fear she didn’t feel the same way about it.

ME: “Are you serious? Do you really believe that it’s ok? I think checking out someone else or looking in the presence of your partner is completely disrespectful.”

ANYA: “I agree it’s totally disrespectful to check out somebody in front of the partner.”

Beyond relieved she agreed with me, I believed it to be another test to see if I thought it was okay to do; to see if I was for real. If I had any reason to check out other women while I was with my partner, what business did I have being in a relationship with them? I was a sensitive man, and if my partner had done that to me, I would have not only said something, but probably openly offered her to the guy. Respect and loyalty were big in any relationship let alone a marriage and I don’t know how a couple would never have trust issues if they carried on like that whenever they were out together; in that kind of disrespectful and emotionally abusive environment. The fundamental element of love, in any relationship, is respect and trust, so how could anyone expect to be honored in a marriage to a partner who exhibited this lack of love for them? Now that I was older, nothing would have ended a relationship quicker for me than that kind of disrespect, and if I stayed it would only showcase my ego, but if I threatened to leave it would be about my pride; the fundamental difference between one’s sense of pride and one’s ego, defined.

Like a child who yielded a loaded gun, her texts then took a turn toward the bizarre as my frustration and fear hit a crescendo.

ANYA: “Have you ever seen “Indecent Proposal”? Robert Redford offers Demi Moore’s $1 million to sleep with her for one night. I thought that was very sad.”

ME: “I never saw it but I agree, it’s not only sad but also disgusting. It’s not like he can write that off as a business expense. Very sad. Why would a husband who loved his wife let her do that?”

ANYA: “Yeah, the couple was in financial trouble and needed the money so the husband let her go. It tore him up. That is the lowest.”

ME: “I guess it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, but I would have dealt with the financial issues and figured out a way out of it rather than let my wife do that.”

ANYA: “Where were you 20 years ago? Even 10 years ago? Well, maybe even 6 years ago? You’re a unique man. Ok, what if your mate has aged and she is looking less attractive?”

As I read Anya’s text, I was flustered by her “maybe even six years ago” statement simply because it came after I was in her life for over the last nine months. I found it astonishing she would ever text me such a thought with the knowledge I once walked away from her, but there was no greater evidence of her psychological damage than when she referred to me as a “unique man”. What made me a unique man? Was I unique because I was loyal? Because I respected and honored women who loved me? Should I not be the standard? I was truly shaken up by her text, and it almost broke me as I couldn’t get past her “maybe even six years ago” statement after I spent the last nine months fighting for her, being loyal to her, and respecting her; all the things she wanted me to do in order for her to leave her marriage. Mentally, she was a profoundly wounded woman, and I should have surmised how bad the psychological damage was when she chose to marry and have kids with, in my opinion, a complete douchebag who dishonored her several times instead of a real man who would have never dreamt of doing so, but this was another reason I fought so hard for her to understand she wasn’t well. All my loyalty and respect for her only made me a decent man, not a unique one. A man, no matter how many years, weeks, days, hours and even seconds passed, she should completely jump ship for. Once I took a deep breath and tried to fight an onslaught of negative emotions from overflowing into our conversation, I sent her a simple text in response; a statement of my own she could never dispute.

ME: “I’m here now.”

ANYA: “I know babe, I know. I just teared up. I have to go get Katie now.”

As Anya retreated from our textversation that left me to question her true intentions, and like a witness to a tornado that wiped out a newly rebuilt town, I was left disheartened by her devastating words. How could she tell someone “I want to wear your ring.”, give them so much to believe in and hope for, then come back two days later with “Well, maybe even 6 years ago”? To text me something like this after nine months of a deeply emotional relationship after I initially walked away from her because she claimed I broke her heart, made my own heart race so fast I began to tremble noticeably. Her words staggered me even more than when Denise sent an email to my work to inform me she left for another man. I knew Anya had her struggles at home, but her words scalded my mind as it felt she had checked out another man right in front of me. After an hour passed of pure uncontrollable mental anguish, I realized I needed to get this off my chest if I ever hoped to fall asleep as desperation swept over me.

ME: “Babe, I really believe the Universe brought us together. I was tapped on the shoulder the night we reconnected and told “it’s your turn”; my time. The Universe sent the best man available for this. To be your hero, and I believe this strongly. I even had 3 years of daycare training helping to take care of the children of others for this very reason. The Universe allowed my heart to get trampled on by single women so I wouldn’t be closed minded when you came into my life, and then when I did close it, brought another phony single woman in my life for good measure before our paths crossed again to bring you into my life once more; to open my mind forever. I believe in our love and it isn’t meant to hurt lives but to make sense out of them all. To give courage, hope and strength to everyone around us. That love and happiness is not based on what we have but how someone makes us feel inside about ourselves. I hate to break it to you, but I was made for this. I was allowed to be hurt so I would open my heart and be loving towards someone who’s been hurt too—like me. I love you forever.”

ANYA: “Wow babe. I’m blown away. Sorry for the lack of grace. Idk what to say. Why do you think we met under these circumstances though? Why make it so hard?”

I found her response to be full of fear and wildly inconsistent with the woman who not only fully initiated our relationship, but who also knew very well the reason why we met, and for the first time ever, I didn’t feel an ounce of love from her even as she responded with “babe”. I then felt sick to my stomach and began to quiver even more as I sent off another text in response.

ME: “Based on who you chose to marry and why you eventually did, I don’t believe you would have given me a chance years ago. We met under these circumstances because you would give a man like me a chance now after all you’ve been through. Has your husband talked to you yet about the things you’re going through?”

ANYA: “No, not yet. Maybe he doesn’t have anything to say either! JK!”

ME: “Are you trying to avoid him?”

ANYA: “Pretty much. I’m emotionally taken by you.”

ME: “That’s big.”

ANYA: “It’s true.”

ME: “Are the emotions hard to hide?”

ANYA: “Yes especially around the kids.”

ME: “What do you think the kids have noticed?”

ANYA: “Can’t tell.”

ME: “Have they ever asked you what’s wrong?”

ANYA: “No. They usually don’t ask unless I’m upset and crying. I try to keep a happy face on for them. You can’t fault me for that.”

ME: “Never. They did see you upset and crying before though?”

ANYA: “They have.”

After this exchange, I began to feel awful for her as my negative feelings instantly shifted away from myself to Anya’s inability to hide her emotions from her children. I didn’t want to put her in that spot, and once she revealed her lack of emotional grace in those terms, I then realized why “these circumstances” of having to deal with her emotions in front of her kids made her wonder why we hadn’t met “even six years ago”; so she didn’t have to struggle emotionally in front of them, and it broke me my heart for her as it left me to feel selfish and insensitive to her struggle.

ANYA: “I better get going. I’m sorry if I kept you from working out tonight. Now u have to live with Del Taco sittin’ in your tummy! Have a goodnight. Thank u for all the sweet words. I love you forever.”

When she shared with me her kids had seen her crying and upset, I knew my belief in “if her mental well-being wasn’t intact then the mental well-being of her kids would be affected as well” was true. She told me one time “no matter what happens I have no regrets”; an enormous statement considering all she struggled with. Anya really had no choice but to leave Jackson as she couldn’t continue to live this way. She would simply never be the same person again anyway after she met me, and if a woman emotionally belonged to a man, she truly belonged to that man and with that man. How could happiness ever truly be reflected upon her children if their mother was only truly unhappy and sad? Love was the foundation marriage rested upon, not just a love for children, as even the wedding vows never mention them. Love consisted of an intersect, not a mutual exclusion. Why would Anya place the burden of her unhappiness upon Katie and Andrew who were completely lost in the dark? It would not be fair to them, nor would it be right especially if they ever witnessed her struggle. She needed to step into the light of the truth as I felt confident her kids would eventually understand, and even like me, although they would have a hard time at first. I felt they needed to know her pain, like I knew her pain, so they could rest their minds because what if they began to blame themselves for her tears? I also felt Carolyn and Debbie should know her pain like I knew her pain as well, so they could understand why our love made sense. This eternal sadness Anya felt needed to end, and I loved her too much to let it continue on this way as there was no other explanation for the reason I came into her life at the time I did.

The next morning after a restful night, I text Anya to see how she was holding up as her response elaborated on where her feelings originated from the prior evening.

7:39 a.m.

“Good morning! U didn’t drive me nuts last night. Just hard to believe you’re for real. I’m in love with u too babe.”

ME: “Ok, good. I was worried about you last night. I’m for real babe. I would never mislead you about who I truly am and how I truly feel.”

ANYA: “Ok, I’ll tell you where I was coming from. I met my husband when I was 19 and insecure. He always checked out other girls and I just thought that was normal. He checked them out in front of me and I accepted it b/c I didn’t want to be a nagging girlfriend. He never actually flirted but I did feel insecure because of that.”

ME: “Oh I see…he never actually flirted but rather waited until you were married to flirt then cheat. Great guy.”

ANYA: “I just thought that was normal behavior b/c other guys do the same w/me when they r with their partners. Of course I don’t feel insecure anymore but it did suck.”

For it to “suck” was a gross understatement as our connection allowed me to feel all she did. When I heard Jackson checked out other girls in front of her, I couldn’t believe the level of disrespect he showed her; a harbinger of things to come in her marriage. It led me to believe Jackson’s money and the status of being “his girlfriend” left her impressionable young self to be overly concerned about being a nagging girlfriend as she obviously didn’t want to give him an excuse to dump her. To be honest, it disgusted me she even married him simply because the writing was on the wall from day one, but then again she was only nineteen and suddenly had new friends because of who he was that made her feel popular, important and successful. As independent as Anya had now become, it was hard to believe she was so dependent on him to validate herself at one time. To have such a beautiful woman like Anya, and to treat her in such a disrespectful manner, made zero sense to me, but it worked like a charm like it seemed to always do for those men who were jerks to women. Evidence of Jackson’s emotional abuse however became even more evident when she found it hard to believe I was for real when I simply told her the truth that I valued and respected women who loved me; a trait I possessed I never thought would ever arouse an ounce of skepticism.

ME: “Now you have me worried since it seems you believe it’s normal behavior for people to check out others in front of their partner, and it’s hard to believe I’m for real. When you get lost in my eyes, is it because you are resisting the urge to look elsewhere?”

ANYA: “I gazed into your eyes not b/c I was trying to resist the urge to look elsewhere. It was b/c I love you.”

ME: “Ok, good. I would never disrespect your love for me and I gaze at you too for the same reason…because I love you. I hope you know what he did was completely disrespectful that only led to the ultimate disrespect and it’s not your fault at all. That’s not normal behavior at all, babe and it’s entirely unacceptable. I hope you know that.”

If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

ANYA: “Thank u babe. I agree it was totally disrespectful and I resent it!”

ME: “That’s my girl! You don’t have to feel insecure anymore, babe. I’m in your life now. And you should be resentful b/c you are and always were the catch, not him.”

ANYA: “That’s very nice, babe. I don’t feel insecure anymore. I simply don’t care. I miss u, babe.”

ME: “Ok, I have to admit I had a hard time understanding where you were coming from last night, but now I understand. You have to be careful with me sometimes, babe. I’ve spent most of my life thinking I’m nothing special because I’ve never really had consistent positive reinforcement from anyone to make me feel differently. Now that I understand what you were asking me, let me respond to the other question you asked me last night I didn’t answer about your partner aging. I have always understood looks fade and that’s why it’s imperative to find someone you love on the inside as well. That’s always been why I’ve been so picky b/c I know looks will eventually diminish. Anyway, I feel it’s ok to look when you’re out w/friends, I think it’s just human nature sometimes, but there is something very wrong when you find yourself looking when you’re with your partner. I’m not just saying this to say it. I’m for real babe, and it’s how I really feel and I’ve never disrespected a girlfriend or even a date in such a manner. I love you very much, and this isn’t about being in love with just your exterior but your interior as well. Only if you changed on the inside would I ever consider looking for someone else. I’m not superficial. Love is more than vanity. I’m real. I miss you too.”

Denise felt the same way about me after meeting such horrible men in her life before we met as she thought I wasn’t for real too. Even when I opened a door for her, she found it strange, and I couldn’t possibly be this respectful. If Anya questioned my authenticity as well, what chance did I have with any woman if I continued to be respectful if even the ones who loved me thought I wasn’t for real? I could understand women being unattracted to men who let women walk all over them, but that never happened here. Did I have to be a jerk to the ones I loved in order for them to trust me? This did not make an ounce of sense to me and it led me to dislike asshats like Jackson Caiaphas even more as they made it hard for men like myself to be appreciated by women as it led them to falsely believe the emotionally abusive man was the real man worthy of their heart and trust. After our exchange, which brought clarity to her words from the previous night, it validated all of my reasons for being in Anya’s life that much more as she gave me more ammo for the fight ahead. Now it was only a matter of time before Jackson talked with her, as every second that passed brought the possibility and hope for truth, and after what she just shared with me, I felt even more hopeful than ever. In the afternoon, I texted Anya to see how her day went, and it surprised me to learn what she shared about it.

4:42 p.m.

“Hi! Well, I had a super easy day! I had popcorn and a diet coke w/my friends. Guess what I did? I decided to blow off everything! How was yours? Thought of u!”

Her “super easy day” with “popcorn and a diet coke with friends” brought a smile to my face as I felt it was a big “FU” to her husband since she worked for him. She really needed the break to catch her breath though after Katie’s Bat Mitzvah and the busy summer months. She then informed me she went and saw a movie “The Women” which she claimed to be “pretty good” and as I drove home from work she sent me texts to further validate my existence in her life.

5:31 p.m.

“I miss u sweets. Feels like forever since I visited u.”

6:45 p.m.

“I love you.”

The simplest things in life were the greatest things in life as her texts left my heart full of love and happiness, and the wheels in my head were kept at a standstill, imperative for the mental job I had, that afforded me another good night of rest.

The next morning, Anya informed me she kept up with her half marathon training schedule that her race group tried to follow. Her race group met outside a coffee shop at five every morning, four times a week, and from there they went to their preferred running spot as they started early so they could return home in time to feed then take their kids to school. She explained to me one day they will run hard, and the following day they will just walk. She then began to tell me about her friend, Flora, who got a divorce several months ago after she learned her husband cheated on her again. I had no idea Anya had a fallout with her, which surprised me because Anya was there for her when Flora struggled during that time.

12:41 p.m.

“I got sidetracked yesterday because my friend, Flora, called and wanted to “talk”. We spent the morning yesterday “talking” about our friendship.”

ME: “Oh, I remember Flora. She divorced her husband and you met her date and he started flexing in front of you guys?”

ANYA: “Haha!!! Remember that? So silly!”

ME: “So it sounds like you had a fallout with her?”

ANYA: “Yep! She wants to be friends again. Don’t know if I can trust her.”

ME: “You can’t trust her? What happened?”

ANYA: “Yea she went “shining” on me! Arms distance is all I can say.”

ME: “She went “shining” on you? Did you need a bat?”

ANYA: “Haha!! Or the golf club! She smashed her ex’s phone with a golf club! Psycho!”

ME: “Wow. She did that?”

ANYA: “Yea can you even imagine? That is crazy!”

When Anya first told me of how Flora smashed her ex’s phone with a golf club, I felt it was crazy, but for the first time, it showed me a judgmental callous side to her. A side that didn’t acknowledge the pain Flora must have felt when she was cheated on by her husband as it made me wonder how Anya could be so insensitive. For Flora to smash her ex’s phone with a golf club was not the sanest of acts, but if she felt something deeply for someone and the cellphone clearly symbolized the conduit in which her husband brought her pain with, certainly Anya could find some understanding in her actions especially knowing she too was cheated on before by someone she loved. The fact Anya would call her friend a “psycho”, rather than view her as someone who was in a great deal of emotional pain, concerned me because it felt like she sided with the cheater, and not the cheatee. In the end though, I just chalked it up to Anya being upset with Flora so she was purposely insensitive to Flora’s feelings as maybe there were other things I didn’t know about Flora that Anya did. I don’t know what caused Anya to lose trust in Flora, but I figured if she wanted me to know, she would tell me.

Later that afternoon, she sent me a text to inform me of an intriguing movie that was coming out the following weekend.

4:04 p.m.

“An interesting movie is coming out next Friday w/Richard Gere and Diane Lane. He falls in love with a married woman over a weekend. Hmmm…I’m curious.”

ME: “What’s it called?”

ANYA: “”Nights in Rodanthe”. I really don’t know the story but I saw a quick preview.”

ME: “That’s a book written by Nicholas Sparks. Interesting.”

ANYA: “Really? Have you read it?”

ME: “Oh no. I just “googled” it. I haven’t read any of his books before. I’m sure the story is much different from ours though.”

ANYA: “I’m sure it’s a different story. Our story is unique. I still think I’m going to go see it though.”

As Anya retreated from our textversation to run her kids around and to start dinner for them, I decided to watch the “Nights in Rodanthe” trailer on “YouTube” and when I was finished two minutes later, I was sold on the movie as well. Anya then sent me a late text at ten forty-five that evening to wish me a good night which was much later than she usually did. The day left me with an overall strange feeling as on the one hand I didn’t like the way she described Flora’s pain with so much disregard for her feelings, but she came right back with “Nights in Rodanthe” which left me feeling more hopeful than ever, and a late night text to let me know I was on her mind. When the new day arrived, an eventful Friday for us both, I felt her excitement through her morning texts.

9:12 a.m.

“Good morning! Butterflies? I’m excited to see you!”

ME: “Can’t wait to see you! Can’t wait to get lost in your eyes!”

ANYA: “I know. I feel the same way. My heart just fills up! See u soon! I love you!”

When her beauty arrived at eleven thirty-five that morning and her bare warm body laid against mine as our lips met just four minutes later, unknown to me her visit would be one of the most informative ones to date. Even though we almost literally devoured each other for over the next hour, we both played it safe in fear of being overwhelmed with emotions afterwards as she then shared with me something substantial about her week.

“Did I ever tell you my father cheated on my mother?” she asked.

“I believe you did.” I said “but your mom stayed because she still loved him.”

“Oh that’s right, I did tell you. Silly me.”

“If you want to tell me again though, you can.” I replied, smiling. “I’ll listen, babe.”

“No, it’s okay.” she said. “I didn’t like how my mother was always so submissive to my father after he did that to her. I won’t be like her. I can’t be like her.”

“Well, it was a lot different for your mom than it has been for you; she still was in love with your Dad.” I said. “I think your dad made a mistake, and only did it one time. In your case, you were cheated on at the worst possible time, when you were pregnant with Andrew, and it caused you so much distress, he was born prematurely and could have even died. Then, your husband was so remorseful, he cheated on you again even after he basically nearly killed his own son with his indiscretions. It’s a sick act committed by a very sick man. Your situation was a lot different, and I think your resentment is justified, babe.”

“I guess my husband had more options.”

“If you truly love someone, you never exercise them.” I said.

“You’re so unique, babe.” she said as she got lost in my eyes.

“No, I’m not.” I said as I began to play with her hair. “I’m the standard, babe. Did you know even when you’re not around I don’t check any women out? That there’s only you in my eyes still even when you can’t be in them? I think that’s the way it should be when you’re in love with someone, and there’s nothing unique or special about that. It’s something that should be expected even demanded if someone is truly in love with you. It’s called respect. It’s called honoring the one who gives their heart to you. I truly honor you every day.”

Anya then leaned in to taste me as we got lost in each other for a few minutes, but she abruptly ended our infatuation with silence through a revelation.

“I had a bit of a rough night on Wednesday.” she stated.

“What happened on Wednesday?” I asked as I began to rub her back as she laid against my chest as our lips almost touched.

“After I made dinner, I ran outside and got inside my car.” she explained. “I was really upset.”

“Why babe?”

“The kids weren’t picking up and my husband wasn’t helping me out in the kitchen. I got really frustrated and left the house and sat in my car.” she explained. “When I did though, he came outside and then Andrew followed him crying; afraid I was going to leave.”

After I heard this story, I visualized the scene and my heart broke for Andrew when I pictured him with tears streaming down his face in fear and in sadness. I even began to fight my own tears as this vision appeared in my mind. Over the last nine months, I came to learn Anya was the type of person, who just never wanted to burden anyone. She was in short, a people pleaser, and even more so with her children. Our relationship seemed to be truly the first time she ever thought about herself as she rebelled against the submissiveness of her mother. This incident only made me further scratch my head about her husband, Jackson. You would think by now he would have done things to save his marriage he had to know was in jeopardy. Instead, he let Anya carry the complete burden of the household, even as he claimed to care about what she was “going through”. I could only wish Andrew had turned around and asked his Dad how come he wasn’t helping Mom in the kitchen, but it appeared Jackson made it seem abnormal for a man to do anything like help his wife clean up after making dinner. I’m not suggesting Jackson never did, but I knew Anya worked extremely hard every day and every night. She was basically a stay at home mom with a full-time job as she worked for her husband’s business and took care of all the daily needs for her children. I was brought up to believe if a woman made a meal, the man cleaned up the kitchen afterwards and I was certain if he couldn’t help because he was buried in business affairs, all he had to do was tell her that and it wouldn’t have bothered her at all. But here was a man, who left her to handle everything in the house simply because he was the provider of it, but with two kids in the mix as well, she was really left to pick up after three people, and not one. You would think after he cheated on her several times, the least he would do was help her clean up after dinner, but I had to remind myself at times Jackson did not truly love his wife, but rather himself, to understand why he didn’t.

“So just so I understand better what happened. Your husband, who cares so much about what you’re “going through”, left you to clean up after you prepared dinner and not even instruct the kids to help you at all?” I said. “Don’t you think he should know better than this by now after all he’s done?”

“You would think, babe.” she said. “They did help me to clean up afterwards though.”

“That’s good, but it still shouldn’t have taken you leaving the house for him to help you.” I said. “I’m really sorry you went through that. I would think as a business owner he would have more flexibility in his schedule to help you clean up after dinner, and to help you out more with the kids if you needed it.”

“I know, babe.” she replied, looking away. “I know.”

“I feel so bad for Andrew. Poor little guy. That breaks my heart more than anything.” I said. “His dad should be setting examples on how to be a good husband, but I guess a man can’t show his son how to be a good husband when he isn’t one to begin with.”

When Anya revealed the scene that took place at her home, it hit me hard as I realized just how close she was to leaving him; how we were closer than ever to being together, but when I pictured Andrew in tears begging his mom not to leave, because at his age and in his eyes she wasn’t leaving a horrific husband and marriage, his mom was leaving her only son, and that broke me up inside when I thought about the fear he felt that evening. A fear an eleven-year-old should never have to feel. A fear though, that could have been entirely and simply avoided if Jackson had done his part as a husband by performing the simplest of tasks of just helping out in the kitchen after dinner.

“If I get a divorce, my friends and family won’t be happy with me.” she announced abruptly.

“That’s because they don’t know the truth about why you would do such a thing.” I countered. “They don’t know your struggle. They don’t know your pain. Only you do. I think if they knew all the emotional and mental abuse he has put you through over the entire marriage, I don’t know how they wouldn’t support you and if they didn’t, I don’t know how they could even call themselves friends. I think parents generally don’t want to ever see their sons or daughters get a divorce. They somehow feel responsible even though the exact opposite is true, but in the end it’s your life to live; not theirs. They will be long gone one day and you’ll be still here living it. You can’t please everyone, babe, and you have to be true to yourself. No one wants to see anyone get a divorce but I feel in your situation and from all I know, it’s the healthiest decision to make.”

“Our one year anniversary is coming up you know.” she blurted as happiness filled her eyes.

“You’re right! November thirtieth. That’s only two in a half months away? Hard to believe.”

“Do you think we could be living together in one year?”

When she said this to me I nearly teared up as I leaned in to kiss her lips softly.

‘I hope so, Beautiful.” I said.

“Me too.”

When she left my apartment that day, I knew my high would last a little longer than normal as hope flowed through my veins more than after any visit I could remember, yet the day remained bittersweet when I thought of Andrew and the fear he felt a few nights earlier. For the first time in our relationship, I questioned myself as I wondered if fighting for Anya’s happiness was also fighting for Andrew and Katie’s sadness as all of a sudden I felt the anguish of Anya’s dilemma.

With every passing second, minute, and hour I anticipated the talk Jackson would have with her, and after Wednesday night’s near miss I could sense he felt more pressure than ever. I was surprised he had waited this long after Katie’s Bat Mitzvah but with the kids around, I’m certain it was a difficult conversation to have since it would probably be emotion laced. Every day that passed though further proved to me, he was only vested in their image of family, but not their marriage, as I believed they should never be mutually exclusive entities.

On that same afternoon after Anya’s visit, I began to write in my journal about how I felt about what happened to her on Wednesday night. Although the content of my entry was sad as I worried about her poor son, I somehow managed to rationalize he was too young to realize all his mother was going through and that her happiness was important for her mental well-being as I now had evidence her unhappiness at home clearly affected him. While I put my heart and hope to the screen with the day’s vision of her beauty in my mind, Anya sent me a text.

3:12 p.m.

“Hi sweets! I had a great time! I miss u! What r u doing?”

ME: “I had a great time too! I miss u too! Just writing in my journal about our day so I don’t forget anything! I love you!”

ANYA: “Awww. I love you so much! I can’t believe you write down everything I do. You must reeeeaaaally love me!”

ME: “You might need to add about 100 more “e” s and “a” s to that! I’ve never written about a girl before. It makes me feel closer to you when I write. Thank you for sharing all you did with me today. It helps to open my eyes and heart to what you’re going through too.”

ANYA: “Thank you. It’s a wonder I feel so comfortable telling you everything as if I’ve known you forever.”

ME: “I think you feel secure in my love for you and you should. I genuinely care for you and love you. It feels like I’ve known you my entire life as well.”

ANYA: “Thank you, baby. I truly care and love you too. I miss u so much already. Time flies when I’m with you. You’ll be on my mind tonight. I love you forever.”

ME: “I love you forever.”

ANYA: “BTW…”

ME: “BTW?”

ANYA: “I just love your arms.”

ME: “FYI…”

ANYA: “FYI?”

ME: “I love having you in them.”

ANYA: “Ha!”

I had the best time with her on this day, and all I wanted to do was just relax at home with her on my mind. As I began to comfortably doze off, as warm and comforting thoughts of our day together filled my head, she connected with me through a text.

9:42 p.m.

“Out to dinner with clients. Goodnight! I love you!”

When I received her text, I responded in kind, as not even a client meeting with her husband could get me down as I felt certain who she preferred to be with, and when I thought I heard the last from her for the evening, she connected with me yet again, but in a manner that truly said it all.

9:51 p.m.

“I miss u so f***in much! I’m so sad. Sorry goodnight again. I love u.”

After I read her text, I realized this was how I truly felt on this evening as all I was trying to do before she sent me a text was to make the best of it while I clung to the memories of our day together for dear life.

ME: “I miss you just as badly. You’re the love of my life, and you’ll be in my arms again soon, baby. Goodnight. I love you forever.”

I now felt her struggle more than ever, and the sincerity behind her words. After a past full of heartbreak, I never took love for granted, but I now trusted Anya more than I ever trusted anyone before. Although her ability to love me gave me life, it also gave her the power to destroy me. I was too vested in us now, and I trusted every word from her that came across my phone and into my ears, and even the ones that never did. When she told me stories like the night she ran out of her house and communicated to me she was “so sad”, I felt safer and fell deeper as it led me to trust in her love for me, and even my love for myself, more than ever.

The next morning, a Saturday, she reached out to me earlier than normal.

8:20 a.m.

“Good morning! How are you?”

ME: “I’m ok! I missed you last night. How are you, babe?”

ANYA: “I had a hard time last night. All I could think about was being in your arms and how happy it made me feel. I miss u very much.”

ME: “It made me happy to have you in them. If all it takes is my arms to make you happy, you haven’t seen anything yet, babe. It was a hard night for me too, and I miss you very much.”

ANYA: “I don’t know if you remember but you told me once that holding my hand, kissing, holding me or just seeing me holds the same weight as making love to me.”

ME: “I said that? What was I thinking? I’m kidding, babe. Of course, I do. I still feel that way.”

ANYA: “You have no idea how much that has touched me. I don’t want to get into details but that just shows me you love me no matter what.”

She didn’t have to get into details because I had a good idea what they were. I could tell simply by the time he chose to cheat on her what he typically thought with. The fact he was thirty and she was all of nineteen years of age when they met led me to believe he was thinking purely on a superficial level from the beginning. Notwithstanding the fact he told her he would trade her in for two twenty years olds when she turned forty, gave it all away what Jackson mainly thought with and how much he respected her as he treated her like a trophy and not like a life partner. It simply shouldn’t have taken me being in her life for him to talk to her ten years later about what she was “going through”, but he was truly in touch with only one thing; himself.

9:04 a.m.

“I love you Landyn!”

When she announced this to me, I don’t believe it was possible to smile any wider as it made me miss her beyond my capability of missing someone. As I wished I held her in my arms, little did I know I’d be in store for a memorable Saturday afternoon when I received a text from her in the middle of it.

2:13 p.m.

“Things came up with soccer so now I’m going to my aunt’s house alone. It’s in Irvine. Would love to say hi for a tiny bit on the way down. Busy at 4?”

ME: “Not at all! Would love to see you too!”

ANYA: “K! C u then!”

When she told me she had a “hard time” the previous evening and she missed me “so f***in much”, she then went out and proved it to me as she showed up at my apartment complex at exactly four. Since it would be a super short visit, I had her stay inside her car and met her outside my apartment complex. As she unlocked her passenger side door so I could get in, we then held onto each other tightly as if we hadn’t seen each other in years and then kissed as we tried to fight the huge grins off our faces as our lips touched. When I saw Anya as she wore a white flowered blouse, it seemed every time I witnessed a different version of her beauty, not unlike how a sunset’s exquisiteness was never the same. Even though she visited for only ten minutes before she had to leave to her aunt’s house for her niece’s birthday party, I had never seen her so joyful, so elated to just see me; a normal guy in every sense of the word. However, it was probably because I felt the same as a mere ten-minute visit from her made my entire weekend ultra-grand, and I felt safer than ever to know I got to see her on consecutive days. Her visit only proved all I said to her was true, as just holding her, seeing her and kissing her held the same weight as making love to her. That was the weight that mattered; not the amount of weight she put on from her pregnancy that led to her husband’s gross neglect of her heart, but the equal distribution of weight in the ways we showed how much we loved each other.

Anya then text me on her way home from the party.

6:55 p.m.

“Sorry had to say hello to the Korean clan. I just miss you so much. My mom can drive me nuts sometimes! Thanks, I love u!”

ME: “I think all moms can do that! Thanks for coming by. I was so happy to see you. I love you!”

ANYA: “I love you babe.”

ME: “I love you very much, Sweetheart.”

ANYA: “I miss u like crazy. I’m sad again, babe.”

ME: “Even though it was just for 10 minutes, and we just stayed in your car, the time with you made my weekend. I guess I’ll watch “Something’s Gotta Give” tonight to feel close to you. I miss you very much.”

ANYA: “Awww babe. It really does not matter what we do as long as we’re together. I loved our 10 minutes together. R u going to watch it in your room?”

ME: “I’ll be watching it in my room for sure.”

ANYA: “I wish I was with you to watch it together. I love you forever.”

After the event of a mere ten minute meeting, I now felt when Jackson eventually confronted her, she would leave him, and as much as I wanted her to come into an ideal situation, her sadness and deep longing, enough to make her want to see me even if only for ten minutes, told me now may be the most opportune time as I believed in our love more than ever; that everything and anything was possible. The last two days together, I had never seen her smile so much as she proved just how much happiness I brought into her life, and for the first time ever in my own life, I felt proud of who I was, and that I had done the right thing by opening my heart and mind up to her pain.

The next day she texted me early to say good morning and shared with me she couldn’t believe how the mere ten minutes we spent together made such a big difference in her night. As crazy as it sounded, it allowed me to sleep extremely well so it made a huge difference for me also. After she ran ten miles in the morning with the girls, as she continued training for her half marathon, she had some things to do with the kids on this Sunday morning and work to do around the house. When I felt certain there would not be a third day in succession of seeing her, I decided to go to the mall to look for a new pair of jeans. As I ventured through the mall though, I found myself in front of a jewelry store window for the first time in my life, something I dreamt about being in front of one day, as I gazed at the various sparkling rings and necklaces they had on display. I had never bought jewelry of any kind for a girl before, and although I knew Anya was okay with bamboo, even people who didn’t know her as well as I did knew she deserved much more from a man who loved her. As I stood in front of this large window for the next twenty minutes and studied every detail about the rings and necklaces before me, and even though I truly had no clue what I gawked at, it never deterred me from dreaming about making this heartfelt purchase one day. While I continued my jewelry store reverie, she met me halfway through a text.

11:35 a.m.

“Are u taking next Friday off?”

ME: “I was planning on taking the morning off.”

ANYA: “Do you have plans? I have a lunch meeting at 12:30 in Newport Beach. I have a window between 10-12 if you’re free.”

ME: “I’m free!”

ANYA: “Ok! Let’s do it! I’m excited! I love you forever! Have a great day babe!”

I didn’t hear much from Anya the rest of Sunday evening and even into Monday morning as she was swamped with work, but I didn’t mind as the weekend left me with so many great feelings about us and our future together. She seemed more open about the way she felt about me, and made plans to meet me any chance she got, and it came at a time I needed that assurance from her as Jackson plotted to end her happiness. When I didn’t hear from her until late Monday afternoon, it left me to wonder if Jackson confronted her, but the tone of her text suggested he still had not, now over a week after Katie’s Bat Mitzvah.

3:35 p.m.

“Katie’s been bugging me to go to the football game on Friday night and I think I get what’s going on. I didn’t go to my first game till high school and I was bad!”

ME: “Good for Katie! Your mom never caught on to you?”

ANYA: “Ha! I was too clever! She had no clue! She didn’t have the mommy network.”

ME: “Oh, this is not going to endear you to Katie’s heart, babe.”

ANYA: “Yep! She’s going to hate me. I asked her if Edward had much to say when he called her Friday night and her eyes grew really big. She played it cool though.”

ME: “Sounds like Katie is pretty clever just like her mom! Does she like him?”

ANYA: “She says she doesn’t like him. I don’t care as long as her grades aren’t compromised. I miss u babe.”

I didn’t know what “I was bad” meant but I’m sure she could easily relate to how badly Katie wanted to go to the football game, and if I learned anything about Anya over the last nine months, I knew she would take Katie to the game. I found some strange beauty and poetic justice in the fact after all Anya had endured with her husband, and little did Katie know, that her own mother was feeling something for someone for the first time as well.

Later that evening, Anya then shared with me the current happenings with the other half of her life.

7:19 p.m.

“Hi baby! Andrew just made me the cutest wallet out of duck tape! He has a wallet business. He said his stocks are down so he has to raise money. Remind me to show you on Friday! I don’t know why anyone would buy these things but he just got 7 orders from his friends. He’s too funny!”

ME: “7 orders already? The kid is only 11 years old and already more successful than I’ve ever been. I’d like to put an order in too. Please bring me one on Friday.”

ANYA: “You’re sweet but maybe you should look at mine first before you place an order! They r uh...interesting.”

ME: “It’s all about supporting him and fostering his drive, spirit and creative thinking! It’s impressive at only 11 years old! He’s ahead of the game! Oh, and babe. Just so you know the main raw material that goes into your son’s product, I believe it’s called “duct tape”! Haha!”

ANYA: “Really? Yea I guess that makes sense. Thanks for correcting me! Ur my BFF! I’m done for the day. I’ll stress again tomorrow.”

I really had a hard time correcting people as I was afraid to embarrass anyone, and no one more than the one I adored. I was not perfect by any means, made mistakes often and viewed myself as better than no one else. I normally let people say something wrong without correcting them only because I found it rude if I did, but I didn’t want Anya to feel embarrassed if she mentioned his wallets were made out of “duck tape” to others, which could be future clients she tried to connect with, and they made her feel stupid when she was far from. It was hard not to laugh though when even my word processing program corrected me as I journaled about my day that evening.

Later that evening she sent me a goodnight text.

7:19 p.m.

“Goodnight. I miss u, I love u.

ME: “Goodnight babe. I miss u, I love u too. Glad you’re not mad at me for correcting you earlier about duct tape.”

ANYA: “Well “duck” made sense to me b/c u always see bad guys tape up good guys with “duck” tape around their mouths. Ducks quack loud so…never mind.”

ME: “Haha! I knew there was some logic to it!”

ANYA: ““Duct” makes sense to me now. I guess they didn’t make “duck” tape for bad guys to use on someone. Ok brain is fried. Better go check homework. C ya!”

ME: “So you’re telling me there’s no bad guys or kidnapping section in a hardware store? Haha! C ya!”

Whenever I struggled, and I needed a smile in life after a bad day, all I had to do was think of “duck” tape and it would illicit a warm feeling from within. I appreciated her imperfections because it only perfected my belief we were meant for each other.

The next morning at ten forty-five, Anya gave me a call as I quickly closed my office door to take it. As I saw her name flash on my phone at such an odd time, I believed Jackson had finally confronted her and she wanted to tell me about it.

“Hi babe! Good morning! How are you?” I said upon pickup.

“Good morning! I have bad news for Friday.”

I could have sworn my stomach rolled over a couple of times when I heard the words “bad news” as my cell phone began to shake within a hand that now trembled as I tried to hold it steady against my ear. A sense of stress and dread then washed upon me, a feeling I had felt only one time before; when Denise sent an email to my work eight years prior to inform me she met another man.

“What’s wrong?” I asked reluctantly.

“I woke up with a cold sore again!” she announced. “My immune system must be down. I never get them but I figure two times since last November.”

“Oh!” I said relieved it was only a cold sore as I almost followed my response with a “that’s all”. “Oh…I mean that’s terrible. I’m so sorry, Sweetheart.”

“Do you want me to still come over?”

“Do I still want you to come over? Of course, babe!” I responded emphatically. “I’d love to see you! If you’re still up for it of course.”

“What are we going to do? Talk? Just kidding!”

“I’m sure we can easily find other ways to show our appreciation for each other.” I reassured her as I laughed nervously. “The bottom line is I miss you and I just want to have you in my arms. Is that okay with you?”

“I miss you too. I can’t wait! Sorry we can’t kiss.”

“I was really sincere when I said just being with you holds equal weight. Of course, I would love to kiss you but I love being around you too. You’re my best friend.”

“Awww…I just love you.”

“I just love you too.” I said as a huge smile broke across my face, relieved to know I’d still see her on Friday. “And you know how much I love kissing you. I could literally kiss you for hours.”

“I love kissing you too. I was so looking forward to it. Bummer.” she said. “You know…it would have been funny if you told me not to come over cause what’s the point?”

“That would have been pretty funny, but I don’t take you for granted babe.” I explained. “If I joke around like that, you might think there’s some truth to it when there’s no truth to it at all. Even worse, if you believed my joke was true and decided not to visit when all I want is you in my line of sight…so I know you’re as real as all the feelings I have for you.”

“I’m touched by your answer. I know you better and I don’t know why I asked. I guess I wanted to give you an out.”

“Did you think I would ever tell you not to come over when I always miss you so much?”

“No, not at all! Maybe I was testing you? Just kidding! You know I really don’t care. Just was looking forward to kissing you again that’s all.”

“I was looking forward to it too, but you’re more to me than just a set of lips I can taste. It’s just one less show of affection when you think about it, babe.”

“What I meant by “I don’t care” is that I really don’t have a self-esteem issue. Maybe I should but I don’t think it comes with age.”

“Babe, you’re the last person who should ever have a self-esteem issue and besides I couldn’t even see the last cold sore you had.” I said to comfort her. “Cold sore or no cold sore, your beauty is already embedded in my heart and mind. You only had self-esteem issues in the past because you gave yourself to a superficial jerk, but you were always beautiful inside and out. If anyone should have a self-esteem issue, it should be me.”

“You’re so sweet, babe. I don’t want you to get it. I don’t understand though why you would have a self-esteem issue though either.”

“I’ll explain it to you in greater detail one of these days.” I said as I thought about the extra bone on my leg, Denise’s adverse reaction to it, and my past failures with women. “Who knows? Maybe we can sneak in a light kiss on Friday?”

“You’re so sweet. I’m sorry but I’m going to have to put my foot down on this one. It’s only because I love you so much.” she said. “Cold sores are caused by the Herpes Simplex virus type one which stays in your body forever if you get it once. It stays dormant and comes back when you’re stressed.”

“I think you’ve forgotten something about me, babe.”

“What did I forget?” she asked.

“I’m impervious!”

“Cold sores are contagious even if you’re impervious! You can get it from kissing and or shared utensils.” she explained further. “I hope you understand. I love you too much.”

“I understand, Sweetheart.” I reassured her. “I was just joking about my state of imperviability. I think I just made up a new word there.”

“Webster’s may need to update their latest edition now!” she teased. “I haven’t had a cold sore for about five years prior to the last one. Outbreaks are normal under stress. Hmmm…guess I had a stressful year.”

“I guess it makes sense with your husband hanging a conversation over your head like a noose, and I believe even the last time you had one he was questioning things too. Your Wednesday night at home didn’t help much either.” I said. “I’m sorry you’ve been under so much stress babe. If it’s too much to see me on Friday, I’d understand. Your health is the most important thing here.”

“I’m okay babe. I’m bummed, but not that bummed because I still get to see you.” she said. “Please understand I don’t want to risk you getting it. Are you sure you don’t want to wait until I can kiss you again? Will it be too hard on you? I’d understand.”

“No, babe. I’m good on Friday. I just want you with me.” I reassured.

“Okay it’s settled then. Glad we took nearly the whole morning to iron this out! Damn cold sore!”

“Don’t damn your cold sore, babe. It only brought us closer.” I pointed out. “Have a good day, Sweetheart. I love you.”

“Have a good day babe. I love you!”

After a longer than necessary but fun phone conversation, one in which I learned a little more about cold sores than I really wanted to know, I went back to the mundane nature of my job and away from the cold sore drama that just unfolded. If Anya’s perceived blemish was permanent on her lip, her beauty and my love for her would have remained the same as it just didn’t matter to me; I knew her inner beauty all too well already.

The evening, I thought, would bring with it as much as it always did. I would hear from Anya to let me know what her and her kids were up to, information I really enjoyed and looked forward to hear as I began to live somewhat vicariously through them all. The more she shared their lives with me, the more I felt like a part of theirs, the more special and important I felt in Anya's life as it allowed me to dream of meeting Katie and Andrew one day.

As much as I thought Anya would text me these things I now looked forward to, I couldn’t have been more wrong about a usual evening at her home when she sent me a text later that night.

9:34 p.m.

“Sorry big fight tonight. I’m fine. I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

ME: “Ok. Thanks for letting me know. Are you sure you’re okay? I can meet you somewhere.”

ANYA: “I’m fine babe. Goodnight. I love you.”

All I could do was hope she was truly “fine” while I prepared myself for the real fight that was now here.