“I’m looking for clues

And wanting a change in the rules.

I’m locked in a cage

Acting out on the wrong stage.”

“Fractured Love" Def Leppard

After a near disastrous birthday, the new day greeted me with an emotional exhaustion I never felt before. I hoped Anya understood better I wouldn’t have been with her for the last fourteen months if I didn’t understand the “kid” thing. I needed her to know however, this arrangement no longer made much sense after all we’ve shared. If I didn’t believe she never listened to herself before, I definitely knew she never did now. Some things she said were not from the thoughtful loving Anya I knew and loved, as it felt she transformed into the part of Anya, her kids and Jackson knew. How could she possibly believe she told me everything from the very beginning I needed to know? Things I had to painfully learn over time? Things that no doubt caused her last flame to leave her. The night we first met, Anya told me she remained in her marriage because she feared no one would be with her due to Katie and Andrew. She never mentioned she was still there because if she left, she feared it would hurt them. I could no longer ignore the fact she was the wife of a politician and salesman, and these roles she played out adroitly as she spoke of things she thought I wanted to hear, and not the things I needed to hear when we first met. At this point, it was impossible to believe that if she feared the choice of happiness over sadness would hurt the kids, that there wasn’t something about me she didn’t care for. My goal now became to find out what it was that replaced her love for me with fear. To find out what changed and why a promise I should have had months ago still eluded me. What did she not like about me? Did her ears fall victim to the fears and tales of friends? Did they represent her objective voice in the matter? Did this come from the one friend who cheated on her own husband too, and still partied like she was in college? Did this come from the same friends who claimed they were happily married? The only reason they were happily married was because they thought love was a joke because it’s how they coped without it. They didn’t believe in love so they found solace in the reality that love eventually fades over time, and to be able to live like a single person while married was the way to go. Simply, Anya and her friends lived in a world I did not understand. If Anya wanted to live like a single person in her marriage, then more power to her, but don’t bring a man like myself who truly believed in and valued love into her life. She should have just left me alone, and continue to play the part of the emotionally deprived with someone else, like her douchebag husband.

I trusted Anya, and more than anything I trusted she knew what love was after all she went through with Jackson. I trusted her love for me, her intentions were pure, to leave, and never find any excuses to stay. I also didn’t want to give her a hard time about her struggles, as I needed to focus on things I could control, like my career, but what scared me the most was I knew my life would fall apart, and my promotion would be lost, if I lost Anya. The happiness that fueled me, I would lose forever. I trusted her with my life, that what she told me from the beginning was true. That the horrific portrait she painted of her husband when we first met, that encouraged me to be here now, was dead accurate. That the reasons she remained with him, and all she needed from me to leave him were true. Although we survived this round, I didn’t believe we would survive the next. We both couldn’t keep going on like this and a decision needed to be made, but I needed the truth from her because one I never considered came on the scene in a most pervasive manner; was her love for me a front, because I knew too much?

ANYA: “Good morning! Glad we talked last night.”

ME: “Good morning! Thanks for listening to me. Did you cry last night?”

ANYA: “Yes.”

ME: “What you did for me last week hit me hard. It was very thoughtful and I want you to know how much it was appreciated. I’ve never felt more special and that I meant that much to anyone before. I went from a man of low self worth when I met you, to a man worthy of love. It meant a lot, and it was hard for me to know I couldn’t return the love you showed me, the way I wanted to. I know it’s hard to understand from your end.”

ANYA: “It’s amazing to me you don’t take anything for granted.”

ME: “I know how important it is to have love, especially a love like ours. I am holding onto this with every part of me because I know how rare it is. I appreciate your love. You love like no other. That’s hard to let go of.”

ANYA: “Thank u for that. I really do love u and u know that. What I did on Tuesday wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do if we were together. I’m sorry about my situation.”

Never a marriage; always a situation. And a situation could always be changed. I regretted my decision to not pull away from Anya when she was most vulnerable; at the time she wanted to run from home, but I owed her the time to get to know me, so she knew her decision would be a good one. But apparently all I did was give her enough time to forget all the things she told me in the beginning.

I didn’t have a choice in this even when I did. She loved me so well it mended a trampled heart over the years. It’s like she gave me a heart transplant and I felt renewed as all the wonder and hope in the world I felt in my teenage years was born again. Even as, in her own words, she risked it all, Anya seemed to also think our love came with zero consequences. Like it would be an abnormal act for me, and for our love, to fight for her if she tried to walk away. I could understand after only a four day love affair like in “The Bridges of Madison County”, or even after a few months, but definitely not after what happened last Tuesday let alone the past fourteen month of moments we shared. As much as I would have loved to confront Jackson just to let him know why I existed, I could never contact Jackson, and it had nothing to do with her warning. Her warning was not a threat, and only communicated to me for one simple reason; she knew what he would do. He would run to the kids. He’d run to her parents. He’d run to her aunts and uncles. Then run to their circle of friends, advisors and employees. And so I knew, if I gave him that power over her, it would be an act of betrayal and she’d have no choice but to be upset enough to never want to speak to me again. Any plans to contact Jackson were never on the table, and mentioned only out of frustration and fear more than intention, even if her husband had not been my firm’s largest client. I then began to consider why Anya didn’t want me to think he was a monster. Not because he wasn’t one, but because I may confront him if I thought so. Sometimes, it just took a positive conversation, a little understanding and compassion, to get these torturous thoughts straightened out as my emotions threatened to entangle them.

Our convo the prior evening, although painful at times, took the white noise and gave me a better picture of how she felt. It really broke my heart to text anything that hurt the woman I loved dearly, but my emotions got the best of me at times and my presentation came out muddled. I truly wanted to understand her side of things, but to understand her side of things could also lead me down a path to agree with half the truth. I hated to argue with anyone because of all the disagreements I had with my father. To avoid conflict, I preferred peace, however my life was truly on the line here, and it was hard to ignore when I loved her so much.

She was my greatest passion in life. I truly loved and cared about her with every inch of my soul, so much so, I even felt love for her kids. As much as I dreamt of a proposal to Anya under the Eiffel Tower, I wanted to be on a first name basis with her kids. I believed in Anya’s love so much, I began to save for future trips together and even a ring. Mothers who made sacrifices for her kids were not as disrespected by their husband like Anya was, and they were not in relationships with other men outside their marriage. I felt this sacrifice didn’t have the same characteristics the other sacrifices mothers made usually did, and they were easier sacrifices to make. I knew Anya’s happiness, I was in her life, and if she chose martyrdom over love, not only did I fail her, I would never believe in love again. To me, the magic would forever be lost. More than anything, I knew myself. I knew how hard I took it when Denise left me and I felt nothing even close for Denise than I did for Anya. Like a headfirst fall from a twenty story building, I’d never recover from this, and I’d know, without a doubt, that love and hope no longer existed for me.

Later that afternoon, I again thanked Anya for Tuesday and for her understanding. After my temper tantrum, I wanted to make sure she knew it meant a lot to me.

ANYA: “I’m just so impressed w/ur humbleness. Yes, I did have to juggle to see u but getting the gifts and making the dish was easy and my pleasure.”

ME: “It was the sweetest thing ever. I just wanted you to know I was aware of what you had to juggle to be able to give me such a special moment in my life. I appreciate all you do babe. I love you forever.”

ANYA: “If I could freely shop and make for u it would not be a big deal for me. Really, it was nothing. It was just tricky to get out of the house on time that’s all. I love you forever.”

ME: “What you did meant a lot for me. I’m not used to receiving in my life so I’m not very good at it. I’m only used to giving. I hope you can understand at least that much about my reaction. It only made me want to be your husband that much more so I could return the favor.”

ANYA: “Awww that’s so sweet babe. I know you’d make a good husband. You’re very special.”

ME: “I would take good care of you babe. Take a lot of the stress off your plate.”

ANYA: “We’d make a good team.”

ME: “No doubt.”

All I wanted was that chance. For her to truly take a leap of faith the way I did. To show her there was a benefit in a change of her marital status, and any perceived detriment was created by fear. That love and fear could never cohabitate. It wasn’t about a replacement of their father, but only a supplement. I just wanted to give her as much as she gave me last week. Unfortunately, at times, the pain of my inability to do that along with the unknown of what our future held after all we shared, became emotionally exhausting. The unknown waterboarded me at times because I loved her so much. If I didn’t challenge her, I would forever know nothing, and if I didn’t love her, she simply would never feel pressure from me. What I did know was that she wanted to be happy again; she wanted to feel love again. And I gave her the chance of a lifetime to have that, to give her a man who under these circumstances still gave her love, and not just a lower extremity of his body. I truly cared for her mental well being and about her future years, not just about the day we dwelled in. I saw the forest far beyond the first set of trees. Not only would she die alone. She would die truly unloved, used only as a device to build a man’s wealth. If Katie and Andrew knew the truth, would they want that for their mother? If they knew the truth of her pain? The way their father mentally ambushed her? The same man, their hero, who promised to honor and cherish her? Katie needed to know a marriage founded on dishonor and disrespect was not a marriage she should ever remain, let alone ever be a part of. I knew Jackson was a good father, but Katie would seek her father in a partner because she didn’t realize how dishonorable her father truly was. That her own father was a man who dishonored women, even at an age he should’ve known better.

Why would Anya allow her kids to witness her abusive marriage? I knew she wouldn’t because she loved them too much to allow Katie to believe a woman should be treated that way. They didn’t know about the infidelities, but they felt the tension to know something wasn’t right. There had to be something else about Jackson I didn’t know of and why Anya remained undecided about us. For the sake of my own sanity, I had to learn what it was, something that alarmed me with each disagreement we had.

Later that evening, Anya sent me a text to see what I was up to.

ANYA: “Your words last night meant the world to me.”

ME: “Well, you mean the world to me. What r u up to?”

ANYA: “U know. Soccer, baseball, dance, Suki, dinner, etc. I feel a little down tonight and idk why. Maybe hormones are off. TMI?”

When I read Anya’s text, I flashed back eight years ago to when Denise sent me an email to tell me she felt down and she didn’t know why. The colors in my memory were vivid too; how Denise told me she didn’t understand why because she had me in her life. I began to feel an instant panic, that Anya too would now communicate as to why we weren’t together. That she decided to work things out with Jackson, just like Denise did when she told me the following day, she met someone new.

ME: “Is it because of us?”

ANYA: “No not at all. Sometimes I feel a bit down. It happens. Nothing a glass of wine won’t fix!”

ME: “I’m sorry to hear that. Idk. It sounds like something a glass of wine won’t fix, babe. I wish you would tell me what you’re feeling. I don’t want to put any pressure on you so if there’s something you need to tell me, and that’s why you’re down. Please tell me.”

ANYA: “I’m ok babe.”

I couldn’t help but feel sad too as old feelings revisited me. I just didn’t want to be caught off guard by anything, although I wouldn’t know how to react if Anya told me she planned to work on things with Jackson. Afterall, if she feared I’d contact him, it might give her an incentive to work on her marriage, even after all we’ve shared. And this wasn’t out of the realm of possibility, especially when Valentine’s Day loomed on the horizon. When I considered this scenario, I decided to send her a text to see if she was feeling any better.

ANYA: “Better! Having a glass at home w/Carolyn and Debbie.”

ME: “Happy to hear that! Have a goodnight. I love you forever.”

ANYA: “Have a goodnight Landyn. I love you forever.”

In comparison to the previous twenty-four-hour period, today was a good day for us, but I still held my breath as the next day arrived, and when it did, I could tell Anya held her breath as well.

ANYA: “Good morning! Sorry about last night. My mood was off. I feel much better now!”

ME: “That’s great news babe! I was worried about you. I don’t want you stressing out about us. I know I’ve put some pressure on you, but at the end of the day I love you. If I didn’t love you, there would be no pressure. To be honest, it gives me some time to keep saving up for us.”

ANYA: “Saving up for us?”

ME: “For a ring and so we can travel together and really capitalize on all the missed opportunities. That’s what I’ve been saving for. To create beautiful memories together one day, and to make sense of all the chaos we had to go through to get there.”

ANYA: “I just teared up. You make it impossible to stay mad at you cuz like u said, at the end of the day, you do love me.”

ME: “I truly do. I think about us all the time. How beautiful it would be.”

ANYA: “I know babe. Believe me I think about us nonstop.”

ME: “I just hope you can understand where I’m coming from. It’s truly coming from a place of love. Everything I tell you.”

ANYA: “Thank you for telling me. I understand better now. I love you.”

ME: “Thank you for understanding. I love you too.”

It appeared I’d survive the day, and Anya’s sadness carried no relation to Denise. I don’t know why I compared the two in the first place after all Anya and I shared together. Her receptive response when I revealed I saved up for a “ring and travels” made me realize I’d never hear that she planned to work out things with her husband. Even though Carolyn felt Anya should work things out with Jackson, Anya, and even Carolyn, couldn’t have felt the same way after all we’ve shared up to this point.

Later that afternoon Anya clarified via text why she felt the way she did the prior evening.

ANYA: “My cycle got screwed up when I took the “morning after” pill. It wasn’t right last month so according to last month’s cycle I ovulated on the 29th. So off!”

ME: “That sounds as if it would definitely knock you out of whack!”

ANYA: “I was thinking about what u said earlier and I have to admit I was wondering why u kept saying “now is not the right time”. I always thought it was because u wanted to buy a house first.”

ME: “It would be nice to buy a house first, but I think it’s important to include you in the home buying selection process. I wouldn’t want to buy something you wouldn’t want to live in. The more time that goes by, the nicer ring and the more trips I can afford to save for. So that’s one positive thing about your indecision.”

ANYA: “Awww babe. I’m so bumming now.”

ME: “What’s wrong?”

ANYA: “Life is so not fair.”

ME: “One could never hope, wish and dream if they didn’t believe life could be fair, babe. Life can be fair if you believe it can be.”

I didn’t know what she truly meant by her text and she never responded to me with any kind of hope, like she used to. I think she needed to be reminded that life is fair. That hopes, wishes and dreams were predicated upon it, and although for the most part, life was mostly unfair, in this case, it could be changed by choice. I found the fairness of life in her control. All she had to do was listen honestly to herself, and believe in the love that brought us both to where we were. And she had a life partner to guide her, and be by her side each step of the way, her truest destiny.

Later that evening, Anya texted me again.

ANYA: “I can’t stop thinking about what u said earlier about saving for a ring and travels. I’m a lucky girl to have a guy like you to love me that much.”

ME: “Well, I’m a lucky guy to have a girl like you to love me that much. To turn, what I thought would just be another ordinary day in my life, into the greatest day of my life. Now, can you see why I was so sad not to be able to return the favor?”

ANYA: “I think I would be more of a liability to you than an asset.”

ME: “What makes you think that, babe?”

ANYA: “For a nice ring babe.”

ME: “To me, the asset is your heart and the revenue is your love. Your love, the way you love me, is the only thing I need, and no matter what liabilities you bring with it, they wouldn’t make a bit of difference, because your love gives me more than enough profit that the liabilities are non- existent.”

ANYA: “Listen to u! You’re making me happy and sad at the same time.”

ME: “Babe, it’s the truth. Please don’t be sad. Please be happy.”

ANYA: “U had me in tears all day.”

ME: “I hope they were happy tears because I didn’t say these things to make you sad, but to make you smile. Can I ask why you are sad?”

ANYA: “What is making me sad is that you’re willing to do anything for me and it seems like I’m not. Not true but seems that way cuz I’m here, not there.”

ME: “I know where you would be if your kids weren’t where you are right now. I don’t want you to feel sad babe. I know what you’ve done for me. I believe in your love. You’re just so beautiful to me that it hurts sometimes.”

ANYA: “I’m sorry babe.”

Anya was so beautiful to me. At times I carried my own cross, denied the ability to love her the way I wanted to. I felt the pain she felt in her marriage was transferred to me. I loved her, and I bring her pain upon myself if it helped her be a happier person and mother, but at the same time, caught in the fire of her indecision, to get burned by this was not what I signed up for. I could take her pain away, but always believed she would never allow me to feel any after I initially walked away from her to avoid what we both went through now. And if I felt any pain from her love, I trusted she would choose to live an honest life to release me from it, the only reason I decided to give her situation any consideration. I had no idea I would ever be a part of such duplicity and her double life, but the fear she felt for her kids, my compassion for her struggle, my trust in her love, and my belief in the goodness of our love, were the reasons why I chose to not let go regardless of my own struggles.

Before I went to sleep, I sent Anya a text to explain why Valentine’s Day this year would be a little harder on me than it was last year. I felt it was important to communicate simply because I had a hard time with it last year, and she responded the following morning.

ANYA: “Good morning. Sorry I didn’t know. To me V day is not a big deal. It’s just another day. I guess every day is V day if you’re in love and not just that day.”

ME: “I agree babe. Every day should be V-day. We shouldn’t need a day to commemorate it.”

I loved Anya’s response to Valentine’s Day, as it echoed my sentiments exactly. However, I didn’t believe Jackson got the memo, and it made me wonder if she got him something every year, which led him to believe she still loved him. After all we’ve shared, I wouldn’t understand it if she did it this year. I would think if she never kissed him, never told him “I love you” when he said it to her, and would never kiss him passionately, that she would never accept his heart as well.

Then, as if she heard me, she hit me with something beautiful; her heart.

ANYA: “I would love to wear something of yours. Though I would love to wear a ring from you, if I had to pick right now I would pick a simple necklace.”

Reddened eyes read her text several times as she touched me from far away, like she used to do as the Anya I knew and loved more than the air I needed to survive appeared before me. I lost count of all the minutes, turned into hours, that I found myself in front of a jewelry store window with the hope she just gave me. Behind the glass I sought the same beauty I saw in her, afraid to venture inside alone and inexperienced, like a hapless drone, to only look at rings that seemed unworthy to grace her finger. But in my search, I gazed at necklaces as well and fantasized how one of them would look on her pristine neckline. However, since Anya usually deleted my texts, I only had one concern.

ME: “Would you wear it out, babe? Would you be worried about that?”

ANYA: “If the necklace was simple enough and looks like something I would buy myself, I could wear it out every day close to my heart.”

Imprisoned tears of joy fell from my eyes, as I wiped them away just so I could see my phone. For thirty eight years I searched for a reason to walk into a jewelry store, and it hit me hard to know I finally had one.

ME: “That’s exactly what I had in mind. For the record, I never check you out in the traditional way you’re used to, but I have checked out your neck before.”

ANYA: “What? You’ve checked out my neck? Why?”

ME: “So I could picture what piece of jewelry would be worthy of lying across it.”

ANYA: “That’s the sweetest babe.”

ME: “Whenever I check you out, it’s always with my heart and mind. I just have to go through my eyes to do so.”

ANYA: “Awww sweet babe.”

She meant the world to me and I would’ve taken the pain of her life upon myself without a second’s hesitation if I had to. She deserved happiness in life, the unselfish kind like we all did, but I wanted to take it on knowing it had a purpose, and not for nothing. To give her an opportunity to have the unselfish brand of happiness she once had. Jackson’s selfish choices made her unwell, to the point she could never trust the man she should’ve trusted the most, her husband. Unless she misled me completely, our love was something she had no right to feel guilty about. And although she misrepresented some things to me, it also spoke to how much she wanted to be with me. To how much she needed love in her life, if she found it easy to not disclose things I surely needed to know only if I asked about them. My gut instinct was all she left me to go on, and in my mind, she wanted us more than I did because I initially walked away, but after fourteen months of the greatest love and the greatest feelings I ever knew, it became only natural to want it more than ever before. For her to retract, and to even remain undecided, I felt minimized all I felt for her, all I decided to do, and all she allowed and encouraged me to feel after all the trust I had in her, just to be here over a year later. If she needed more time, I would have to be more patient, but I could only do that if she understood why I struggled and she responded positively to minimize my struggle; not to just leave me for dead. After all she allowed and encouraged me to feel, her excuses had to end as she had to see the beauty in us, and not the horrific. If she saw the horrific, she couldn’t possibly need me in her life the way I needed her, and her love had a selfish motive to it, and not one that served my heart, but only her own. We both seemed to have a better understanding about the “kid thing”. She understood why I didn’t agree with her decision to stay for their sake, especially when there was another man in her life before me, and I better understood she didn’t pit them against me. Anya was a mother, one who greatly loved her kids, and she wanted them to have the life she never had. I respected that, but I also knew they could still have the life she never had, with me. That being with me would not ruin that dream for her kids, unless there were other things, she failed to make me aware of. With my upcoming partner promotion, and what Anya could receive in a divorce settlement, her kids would continue to have the things they deserved in this life.

I began to also consider, caught in the current of my positive thoughts, Anya always wanted to be with me when the kids weren’t so in demand of her time. She carried a lot of stress with her as a mother and employee. I had to understand it wasn’t easy on her and how that stress could affect her mood as it seemed Jackson paid the bills but hardly pitched in with the daily routine. I’m certain she desired to make a promise when they were grown up and out of the house, and less dependent on her to get around, but it failed to make me feel safe because of the current sleeping arrangement. Whenever she shared her thoughts of running away, in essence, it removed their dependence upon her, so she could spend all the time in the world with me, but I would’ve never wanted her that way; to be the reason she ran from her duties as their mother. The stress of being a mother had an identity all its own, and I don’t think any man could ever truly understand all it took to be a mother with their innate senses that led to certain feelings, actions and responses. She had to know this wasn’t a competition between her husband and I for the affection of her kids. I never considered him as Frankenstein when it came to his kids, and it’s a competition I would only choose to lose, but all because her husband had money to throw at their kids didn’t make him a good father. It seemed all he had to do was buy Katie a horse ranch and she’s would be smitten with her father for life, no matter what he did to her mother. A good father, is much more than that, but to an impressionable child, Jackson was her hero. Taken that into consideration, how could I ever believe Katie would approve of me, the one who honored their mother, over their father? All Jackson had to do was the same thing he did with Anya when he was thirty and she was an impressionable teenager, just throw money at her and watch them fall in love. In my eyes, it was all politics, and I didn’t want Anya to play politics with her children. For Anya to turn her marriage and their devotion to family into a Hallmark special, because I knew it was as real as the Tooth Fairy. Without question, Anya and Jackson loved their children, but they also had the responsibility to teach and show them the things in life money couldn’t buy, and they chose to hide in shadows instead. They put them in a bubble, and gave them all they desired regardless of any need they were aware of. Katie, at three years old, didn’t even know what a horse ranch was, but she got one. Andrew wanted his room decorated with dollar bill wallpaper, and even know Anya knew money didn’t lead to happiness, he got it. And why was it truly done? To hide the problems of her marriage away from them. To make a balloon animal out of a lie to keep them safe. But this was two-fold, as they also tried to hide the image of imperfect people from them. To remain their heroes under the façade of perfect parents, all done to hide it from the masses as well.

To know this kind of parenting existed disgusted me. So much so, I didn’t want to hear a word about the unconditional love of a parent. All because a parent loved their kids unconditionally, didn’t mean it was unconditional love. A parent’s love was truly conditional love, simply because it’s based on the condition Andrew and Katie were actually their own son and daughter. Now if they loved someone else’s kids, with no strings attached, then it was unconditional love, and I felt I offered more unconditional love to them than their own parents ever could.

Anya and Jackson, buried the heads of their kids in the sand through constant activities, but they were also obligated as parents to “parent”, and to let them enjoy their childhood, too. It was also important to set your kids up for success as soon as possible, and to prepare them for the future beyond childhood, and I applauded them for that aspect of their parenting. They instilled a good work ethic and sense of responsibility in them at a young age. It was something most parents failed to do, but the challenges Andrew and Katie faced by being pushed, I feared, could break them down at such a tender age. They had their entire lives to feel stresses and pressures as adults, so it was equally important for them to enjoy their childhood as well. I just feared they could get burnt out by the time the responsibilities of adulthood arrived.

As much as I loved Anya, I had the were withal to walk away from this if I believed what I stood for in regards to their parenting was wrong, but I represented an unbiased party who could see the things that blinded them as parents, as a mother. Jackson and Anya’s love for their children was not up for debate. I knew first hand through the pain I fought through every single day, how much Anya loved her kids, and part of the love I had for her was because of her great concern for them. I only saw this as a great mistake for her to stay at this point for their sake because of why I was in her life. She gave me all this information and ammunition for a reason, and for her to ignore all she encouraged and allowed me to feel that essentially formed the very basis of these strong opinions, made her decision to stay for the sake of her kids the wrong one to make.

Later that afternoon, I sent her a text to see how she was doing.

ANYA: “Home organizing with your candle lit and Diana Krall on. Love my candles! Thank u!”

ME: “I’m so happy you love your candles! It’s raining outside too. Candles and rain makes me think of us. I love you.”

ANYA: “I never thought the rain could sound so beautiful. I love you.”

When she shared this with me, I felt connected to her again, something I desperately needed so I could focus better at work. This was the busiest “busy season” in the firm’s twenty five year history, so I could ill afford to fall behind. Clients could easily sue us if we missed an audit deadline or failed to perform a competent audit, as the risk increased with the increase in clientele. One misstep and the firm could be extinct. The mental toll our relationship took on me failed to understand the importance of my career and increased my stress levels exponentially. This created a need for me, and a greater hope, to secure a promise from Anya to ease the pressure that continued to build. Until then, I held on for dear life to the positive texts like Anya sent on this day, as they helped enormously to stay on track.

I didn’t hear from Anya the next morning, but since we had a better understanding after my “temper tantrum” earlier in the week, I didn’t dwell on her silence, and even up until the time she broke it later in the day at forty nine minutes past four.

ANYA: “So I missed chatting w/u today.”

ME: “I missed chatting w/u today too. What r u up to? Miss you.”

Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

I waited for Anya’s response but it seemed she got pulled away for a moment. Although we didn’t have the chance to chat, I had one of my most productive days in a while as I left the office that day on track again. As my “busy season” normal ten hour days turned into thirteen hour days this year, I had very little time when I got home to journal how I felt to better understand all my emotions. All I could do was hope the positive air around us would continue.

About two hours later, and as I packed up my laptop, Anya sent me a response.

ANYA: “I c. Hope u had a nice day. Sorry was driving. If u can believe it we have dance, tutor, and indoor batting cage practice at 7 p.m. Ugh! I miss u too.”

ME: “Oh wow! That’s a lot of running around for a Friday night.”

When I sent this text, I thought it would be our final communication for the evening, but I couldn’t be more wrong about anything in my life.

ANYA: “No kidding! Kind of sick doing it alone!”

It seemed Anya always ran her kids around on her own, another reason I knew I’d be a benefit in her life. Even if I worked all day, I would never allow her to run around like that on her own, especially in the dark and in this rainy weather. I don’t know how Jackson, the man who would lose an arm if he could change things, would allow his wife to do that if he loved her.

ME: “Really babe? Soccer and baseball at the same time? One activity is tough enough let alone two. Then, you also have Katie’s dance classes on top of it? You can only do so much. I know it’s tough to say no to your kids, and if you didn’t have Katie then it would be much easier, but what you’re doing would be difficult on any parent. You can’t spread yourself so thin babe. He isn’t the only one working. You work too.”

ANYA: “I know but I can’t complain cuz I don’t work full-time and it’s just my assumed role. Sorry for venting.”

ME: “Wow! Really? Who told u that? Isn’t being a mother a full time job? Sorry, just not used to growing up in that kind of world.”

Growing up, my father had a full-time job and my mother didn’t yet he always found time to take me to baseball practice and to make my games. My mother drove me to school, but my father helped her with that duty as well. He never cleaned the house, but he still took care of two yards and worked full-time. He never assumed my mother had to do anything except clean the house, but he always lent a hand without hesitation if she needed it, now more than ever as she fought Cancer. I just couldn’t believe what she texted to me. She didn’t work full-time so she had no right to complain? At all? Jackson was a busy man, but as a business owner, he at least had the flexibility in his schedule if he needed it. Time was money, but what about family? Maybe it was now a different world, but my father used to work all night long, and he could have easily slept all day long but instead stayed up to help my mother. There should be no assumed roles in a marriage simply because you are teammates. Marriage should be a dynamic union, not a static one.

In essence, Anya taught Katie her role, as a mother who didn’t work full-time, was to drive her kids everywhere, and to submit without complaint. She also taught Andrew that a wife and mother handled these duties, no matter how perilous and taxing they were, even at times a father was available to do them too, if she didn’t work full-time. Anya worked in the morning, dropped her kids off to and from school, ran them around to get them to their multiple activities on time, prepared dinner when they got home and then helped them with homework. With the increase of fatigue, stress and pressure, wouldn’t it be easy to see how her assumed role put her and the kids in danger of being in a car accident? I didn’t understand her assumed role, let alone why she couldn’t see this herself as a real solid excuse to leave Jackson.

ANYA: “I know I make some noise sometimes.”

ME: “Voicing your displeasure and concern for the safety of your children and their mother is not making “noise”. You should never be made to feel guilty about speaking up about something like this. It’s not like you want to “veg” around the house all day. The dance activities alone are so involved. Even if you didn’t work at all it would still be difficult. It’s overwhelming at times. I’m sure you’re just as exhausted as he is by the time he gets home too.”

ANYA: “Thx for understanding. I hauled ass today and haven’t stopped driving since 3:30 and won’t be done until baseball is over at 8:30. Gets old!”

Her “noise” broke my heart as she had every right in the world to feel all she did. It just devastated me to know I had my hands tied as she wouldn’t allow me the promise needed to help her. That all I could do was listen while the woman I loved greater than life itself put herself in the eye of harm’s storm. Her complaint was not about being a mother, it was about someone’s need to recognize she was one. She failed to sell me on her assumed role. A marriage was a partnership therefore a team environment needed to exist. They co-parented without being co-parents at times. Jackson was a very busy man and supported the family well financially. As much as I disliked him as her husband, he had a right to come home and relax. At the same time though, he had to recognize she needed help, and not lay back and take her for granted.

Her words brought me back to the time when one evening she ran from the house, and jumped inside her car with the intention to drive away to me after she received no help from him in the kitchen after dinner. Now this “noise” she suddenly made was either the tip of the iceberg or the breaking point for her; the reason why I fought so hard to battle the heartache I felt to stay in this. Jackson’s blatant obliviousness to her struggle, even after his multiple infidelities, left zero doubt in my mind he was more monster than husband. He didn’t know love, he simply paid for it so he felt worthy of its receipt, and her loyalty. He used the kids as the device for her to feel guilt if she made any “noise”. What stood out the most though, was the fact he did not know empathy of any kind, and was only empathetic to one person; himself.

ME: “Believe me, I know babe. It’s ok to feel the way you do. It’s okay to vent about this. I always worry about you driving, hustling back and forth especially when it rains like this.”

ANYA: “My route since 3:30 and till 8:30 pm. Dana Point to Newport Beach, back to Dana Point, back to NB, back to DP, back to NB, to Irvine, back to DP, back to Irvine, then back to DP.”

ME: “That’s way more than hauling ass! You’re going to get in accident one day if you don’t have help, babe.”

ANYA: “I just think maybe helping with one way or two would take a great load off my back especially in this rain! Ok I’m done. Sorry.”

ME: “Sorry for what? I couldn’t agree with you more. Why risk putting yourself or your children in danger? Because it’s your “assumed role”? I’d be worried sick about you doing that alone. Sick to my stomach. I wouldn’t care how tired I was, I’d never allow you to do that in these conditions.”

ANYA: “It’s pretty typical. I work out at 5 so I can stay looking decent and work all day until pickup. Then I have to handle homework and dinner in between! Ok now I’m really done! Sorry!”

Her words struck me with even more confusion as to why she stayed in her marriage. Wouldn’t this be the perfect excuse to leave Jackson? How did these assumed roles accommodate the physical safety of her, Katie and Andrew? Taken this into consideration, how could she further justify her marriage to Jackson? Within the noise she made lied the truth, and the heart of the matter beyond the infidelities. Anya had every reason in the world to pursue a better life, and here lied her major reason why she made me a huge part of it. If I already didn’t think Anya was amazing enough. And if I already didn’t care or love her as much as I did enough, I felt more than enough after she opened up to me about this as she provided me with the greatest argument for her to leave her marriage; if there weren’t enough reasons already. All I could say to her were two very loud words, the truest ones I knew.

ME: “You. Matter.”

A mother could win the “mother of the year” award every year, but they also had to be aware of the toll. She mattered more than she thought she did, as I began to witness how the warped mind of a narcissist partner could mangle someone to believe they were unfit and insignificant. Only a creep for a husband would put a blind eye towards a wife who did all Anya did for her kids on a daily basis. This was no longer a fight for Anya’s heart, but a fight for her life. A life she didn’t find all too important, as through my mother’s struggle, I saw Anya’s own demise down the road if this mental abuse continued. A demise I simply would never allow. Anya reached her breaking point with Jackson, and it was palpable as it brought her one step closer to the truth, and closer to me. I learned how she felt tonight, and now sensed if he failed to help, a choice no longer existed to stay for the kids, because she mattered too.

Suddenly my phone began to ring and sure enough, it was Anya.

“Hi Sweetheart. You ok?” I asked upon pickup.

“I hate this.” She said as I could hear her feet hit the ground in obvious frustration. “I swear I hate this. I fucking hate this.”

The emotion in her voice brought me back to the night she cried in Canada, when my phone died, and it caused me to look at it to make sure my battery wasn’t going out this time on her.

“Did you want me to swing by, babe?” I asked. “I can be there in ten minutes. I’ll just hang out in the parking lot so you don’t feel alone.”

“You don’t have to do that babe. Thank you though. I’m fine. I’m just sick of doing this.”

“I understand how you feel. Just give me the word and I’ll do anything you need me to do for you within the circumstances.” I said. “I’m worried about you.”

“I just hate this so much.” she said. “All these men are checking me out. I can’t stand it.”

“You’re killing me over here.” I said dying to do something, anything she asked of me as I hoped she would. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’ve been playing catch with Andrew since he was five.” she said. “I taught him how to throw and catch a baseball. I’ve been taking him to the cages since he was five, too.”

“Your husband doesn’t play catch with him at all?” I asked.

“He does.” She said. “But not enough.”

It brought me back to all the times my Dad, tired from a long ten hour day after work, would hit me in the head with a glove and bring me to the park to hit me fly balls. I didn’t have a game the following day. I wasn’t even on a team yet, but it’s just something he wanted to do with his me, his son, but even more so, just to give my mother a much needed break. As I remembered all those times, times I’m sure he’d rather had caught up on some sleep instead, he made the extra effort for me, and for my mom. I guess with all his wealth, Jackson felt he had already done his part, but having money wasn’t the true indicator of wealth; having time was.

I told Anya I’d stay on the phone with her until she left, but she no longer appeared on the other end to hear my words. Fifteen minutes later though, she shot me a text.

ANYA: “Sorry I had to go. I walked up but guess they r not quite done yet. Too loud in here to talk. Found a female on a bench so sitting down next to her. Feel safer.”

ME: “It’s ok. Wish I could be there with you.”

ANYA: “Thank u. Just picked him up.”

Not only did she drive in hazardous conditions, but she felt physically vulnerable as well. I still considered a drive out to the indoor batting cage just to watch over her, until she told me she just picked him up. This whole episode only made me wish Jackson would confront me one day just so I could let him know this was why you know who I am.

ANYA: “Just got home. Thx for listening. Goodnight babe. I love you.”

ME: “Goodnight babe. I love you too.”

After all Anya shared with me, a great disappointment fell upon me when she went to bed abruptly on me. Her issue on this night needed to be addressed to Jackson, and not merely mentioned to me, but directed to the one responsible for them. I warned her to never use me to fill a void in her marriage, so she knew not to use me as a buffer so she could remain married to a man who’s lack of knowing what love was led her to me. Her complaints presented on a platter the marital issues that not only poisoned her, but also provided her with the greatest reason for a divorce yet; especially if she wanted to keep his infidelities away from their kids. This was enough to bring us together as I felt a promise to at least ask for a separation should follow. She knew from the very beginning, I never agreed to be in her life for marital support. My love for her was not life support for her marriage. Now she had a real viable reason to, at the very least, ask for a separation, yet all she could say was “Thanks for listening. Goodnight.”? After all I endured for her, her “I must be tired” quiet response just rubbed me the wrong way after I was the one there for her, willing to be even more so if she needed me to. If she really wanted to be with me. If she truly wanted to wear my ring, here was the opportunity of a lifetime. And as I agonized over this, I guess Anya could sense I did.

ANYA: “U ok?”

ME: “I’m fine. Just concerned about you, that’s all. I love you.”

ANYA: “I love u too. Thx for the ear.”

ME: “R u really ok?”

ANYA: “Yeah I’m fine. It is what it is. I must be having an off week! Better say goodnight.”

There was not a greater phrase in the English language I despised more than “it is what it is”. And even worse, she chalked it up to just having a bad week. If that’s true, then she also had an off fourteen months. Was I just an “ear” to her? She didn’t share this with just one of her girlfriends, but the man she encouraged and allowed to be in her life for this very reason. After the last fourteen months, she could no longer look at this as being “it is what it is”. The sun, the moon, their effect on the ocean, are the “it is what it is” things in life. She was at risk. Her children were at risk. Anya had all the control in the world to eliminate those risks, and they held every reason in the world to leave her marriage. This marriage represented a false sense of security to them all. Even the Universe got involved and created enough of an economic recession that some of her employees were let go, so what was there left to hold on for if they lost their jobs anyway? The universe opened portals all around her to leave Jackson, yet in her eyes, all I could offer was an ear so she could hold on for dear life? Her “it is what it is” statement also minimized my feelings for her, and my role in her life. A role I never assumed, but trusted was given to me for the sole purpose at times like, for her to find a reason to be with me. Instead, she found it better to sleep off after all the sacrifices I made for her happiness, more than my own. It was even harder to know, this complaint would be non-existent, if I were her husband. And even worse, the woman who wanted to wear my ring, didn’t seem to care. As if she chose martyrdom after she allowed me to burn myself in the fire with her. The man she chose, the father of her children, the one she should shun yet refused to, decided instead to close the blinds on the man who cared enough to be there for her. So, she could just continue to lead a false life for the sake of her kids. An excuse I began to believe a little less each time I heard such complaints. If the safety of her and her kids weren’t enough to leave Jackson, then I was now up against the devil himself.

When Saturday arrived, I hoped to be wrong as I held my breath, she talked with Jackson about her issue instead of merely ‘Z’ing it off. She needed to address it to see how he responded as it provided my most potent argument yet against staying for the sake of the kids, especially if their own safety is compromised. But when I didn’t hear from her that morning, I texted her.

ME: “Good morning! How r u this morning?”

ANYA: “Good morning! Good! How r u?”

ME: “Good too! What do you have going on today?”

ANYA: “Kids.”

ME: “Ok. Enjoy your day with the kids, babe.”

Her short response left me in a depressive mood, as I then prepared myself for a day of silence. As the day went mercilessly on, I stayed nailed down to my bed, unable to move as the silence of my four bedroom walls spoke louder to me than Anya. When I realized she did not pounce on the opportunity for us to be together, it left me broken inside; soulless. What I wouldn’t have given to be able to run home from work to play catch with my son, even Andrew if I had the chance to, yet Jackson left that duty to his wife. Her assumed role was not only to drive Andrew to his games, but also to teach her son how to play baseball. Jackson hadn’t gone to war, he ran his own business and even had the flexibility to make his own schedule to accommodate such a simple task. After she gave me the knowledge, she did the prior evening, I could no longer be convinced she should stay in her marriage for the sake of the kids. If she stayed now, it could only mean she didn’t truly love me. That her love for me carried a hidden agenda behind it. That her “I love you”’s were only meant to manipulate and control me. If she could stay with Jackson, after she had every excuse in the world to leave him, she didn’t love me.

As I stared at my ceiling, lost in silence, I noticed the light on my phone begin to blink.

ANYA: “Goodnight u.”

ME: “Goodnight.”

Negative emotions powered their way into my mind without discrimination as failed to reach her. That all the love I felt for her was all for nothing as hopelessness swallowed me whole. I then lit a candle and finished the third book in the Twilight saga “Eclipse”, in an effort to feel close to her and to rid me of the negative emotions. As I held the bookmark she made me in my hand, I found no solace as the fact we only exchanged seven texts on this day left me deflated. The next thing I remembered, I woke up the next morning, the bookmark now under my right cheek, as my phone text indicator light blinked.

ANYA: “Good morning!”

Her quick and easy, minus the dirty, “good morning” text did very little to ease my mind as a new day arrived. I expected a quick and easy “good morning” on a Monday morning but not on a Sunday morning. Something just didn’t feel right to me, so I tried to extend our morning exchange.

ME: “Good morning! What r u up to today? I finished “Eclipse” last night. Have you finished it yet? Still can’t get over all the beautiful things you did for me last week. Thanks again.”

ANYA: “Finished? Wow! Still on 408. Stop thanking me! It was nothing! U give me too much credit! Just hanging w/the kids.”

After what Anya shared with me about her inequity in the marriage, I found less understanding as to why she was still there, especially with me in her life and all we’ve shared. Taken into consideration her obvious disdain with Jackson, I found it unexpected she texted me much less after all she revealed to me. Now that Jackson seemed more like an absentee father at times, I felt more of reason to know what truly kept her there. Was her indecisiveness due to feelings she still had for him? Was it because of all the people they knew and the politics involved? Did she truly not believe in love? Did she know all we shared could never be because it lived outside the realm of possibility? Did she truly love me or were her words just strings on a marionette? There were just things my heart had to know as I refused to let her retreat into Sunday.

ME: “Are your hormones back to normal now?”

ANYA: “Ha ha! Hormones r back to normal!”

ME: “Is Friday night now water under the bridge?”

ANYA: “Hope so!”

She hoped so? How could she ever hope to be with me and hope for that at the same time?

ME: “You hoped so?”

ANYA: “Can’t control mother nature.”

After all Anya and I shared, and even after it became painfully clear Jackson was not there for his son, a son who was born prematurely because of the stress he caused his pregnant wife with his infidelities, she still didn’t have enough reasons to at least separate from him. A man who would lose an arm if he could change his past of unfaithfulness, still allowed his wife after a long day, along with their two kids he claimed to love dearly, drive in hazardous conditions at night to unsafe places. After all he did to chip away at her heart, he still lacked the empathy and the perception to see the wrong in any of this. I felt this lack of love, along with all the other acts he partook in before this one was made known to me, was every last good reason in the world to divorce the man. Her kids already thought she was unloving, so what reputation with them did she stand to lose by doing the right thing? If I wasn’t in her life. If I wasn’t the one in the middle of this chaos, completely removed I would tell her to do the same with the knowledge of the facts I had in hand. I didn’t want to argue with her. I didn’t want to text anything that would pressure her, but her inaction and silence didn’t make much sense to me, and now was the time to play the hand she dealt me.

An hour later, I texted her with the hope mother nature would soon take its course.

ME: “What kind of simple necklace would mother nature buy for herself?”

ANYA: “Awww that is so sweet. I don’t know what to say.”

For the next twenty minutes, I decided to be a mute on a San Francisco street, but something told me I wasn’t going to care much for her next text in response to my silence.

ANYA: “I don’t feel right about asking when I can’t promise u anything. I don’t feel right about you spending money on me.”

Denise sent me an email over eight years ago. that ripped my heart completely from my chest. Here it was over eight years later, and Anya’s text did the same thing as a cold sweat ran over me. This entire weekend seemed to present a Anya I did not know at all, but now I had confirmation. How could she tell me such a thing after all we had shared? Were my feelings for her okay to accept from me only because they weren’t tangible? After I read her text, I couldn’t move, as my hand trembled in desperation to not drop my phone. So many negative emotions spun through my head they rendered me senseless to respond, and when I made it to the restroom, my lunch all but disappeared into a ceramic bowl of water. She gave me twenty minutes of silence just to send me a text like this? This was no longer my Anya, this was a monster, maybe the beast himself. How could she tell me something like this after all I had already given her? Did my feelings, my heart, my entire life mean anything to her? After all I ever did for her, after all I ever felt, all she ever allowed and encouraged me to feel, she now felt guilty about spending money on her without a promise? Not even three days ago she was ecstatic about the receipt of a necklace from me. Told me she would wear it out every day close to her heart. Even “touched” I would save for a ring and travels. Did she fall out of love with me this weekend? If so, could I trust she was ever truly in love with me? Now she suddenly didn’t feel right about me spending money on her? What about the last fourteen months of my life? What about the next chunk of my life I would lose trying to understand this? I didn’t want her to not feel right about me spending money on her. I wanted her to not feel right about me spending any part of my life on her. To lose any amount of money was nothing compared to the circle of hell I now found myself in. Her concern should have been on how much of myself I spent on her, and how much time I gave, not how much money a necklace would cost me. Money was just an earthly possession people lost everyday, but this was my life she took from me with her words. I couldn’t believe what I read as I realized what she truly valued over all else. And it now left me to wonder one thing about Anya’s true feelings; if it was okay if Jackson spent money on her. And from all I was ever told about him that allowed and encouraged me to be here, she should have communicated this to him as well.

ME: “Do you and your husband exchange gifts on Valentine’s Day?”

ANYA: “Not anymore.”

ME: “How long has it been since you’ve exchanged gifts?”

ANYA: “Years. Why?”

ME: “Just curious.”

ANYA: “If you must know we agreed a long time ago not to exchange gifts.”

I didn’t know how to interpret this. Did they decide not to exchange gifts because of their marital rift or because every day should be Valentine’s Day when you’re in love with someone? I knew Any wouldn’t cop to anything if I asked her, so I tried to coax it out of her.

ME: “He tried to kiss you passionately just a few weeks ago. To me, that seems like he still loves you, at least what he considers to believe love is in his mind.”

ANYA: What are you trying to get at?

ME: I’m just wondering if he buys you something each year anyway since he believes he is so in love with you?

ANYA: “Please don’t.”

ME: “Anya, I find this to be a pretty simple question I’m asking.”

ANYA: “About what?”

ME: “I figure he has to at least do something for you if he’s so in love with you. He doesn’t seem to be the type of man to accept that kind of non-exchange of gifts arrangement on Valentine’s Day. Especially when he forced a passionate kiss upon you.”

ANYA: “You’re wrong.”

ME: “Not looking to be right, babe.”

Her previous text that spurned my line of questioning still disturbed me. She had been silent all week, as it felt like she played a game with my heart and emotions. To tell me all she did about her husband after she knew full well how much I loved her and how much I wanted to be with he. She gave me the ultimate sense of false hope, and I had to know why. I needed to know the truth. She needed to be made aware that my peace of mind meant more to me than money. She could take all my money, but she had no right to take my heart.

ME: “On Thursday, not even a few days ago you were willing to accept a necklace from me. Even told me you could “wear it out everyday close to your heart if it was simple enough”, and now you suddenly feel weird about it? This entire weekend I’ve not felt the love I usually feel from you, and we’re talking just mere days ago. I would like to know what changed over the weekend? What are you thinking? I have a right to know.”

ANYA: “Ok let’s not go there. I’m fine. You just put me through the ringer. I have mixed feelings all the time. I don’t want to keep fighting with you! It’s draining!”

ME: “Let me make this perfectly clear.”

ANYA: “What”

ME: “The man you chose to marry has put you through the ringer, not me. What am I doing wrong by just asking you some simple questions?”

ANYA: “By doing what you’re doing right now! The questions and accusations! This is why I wanted the break! I missed the days when we were just happy to talk to eachother.”

ME: “I miss the days when you didn’t defend your husband after you told me the other night he isn’t holding up his end of the marriage. Another reason I’m in your life. From the very beginning I never agreed to be part of your life for marriage support and you know that. If that’s what you’re hoping to receive, you never will from me.”

ANYA: “Don’t you throw Friday night back in my face! How can I trust you to listen to my complaints? I have to go.”

ME: “I understand now why you’re a long distance runner. It’s all you ever do. You run instead of facing the things you need to. Instead you run from it. The problem is you ran into me on the way.”

ANYA: “Landyn, please stop.”

ME: “The man cheated on you 4 times that you know of. This so called man, so called father, has told his beautiful wife, after he cheated om her no less, that he would trade her in for two 20 years olds when she turns 40. Then after he cheats on her, after she undergoes surgery which he claims “should have been bigger” leaves her alone on a cruise ship while he goes out and parties with his buddies. Then I hear on Friday night that he lets the mother of his children, rush back and forth to get the kids, to take them to and from their activities, in hazardous conditions no less, kids that are his too, with no offer or even the courtesy of being aware of the peril in that. Like I said, I know that you’re the sweetest person I’ve ever met. What you did for me for my birthday spoke volumes about the kind of person you are but it also spoke volumes about the kind of person he is when I sum up all I know about him. Please don’t punish me for fighting for the person I love, something you asked me to do. I don’t care how much money he uses to buy the love of his kids, I’m never going to support you staying with that jerk and if that’s what you’re looking for, I’m sorry but you won’t find that in me. I’m not happy that you’re still with him because of all you chose to share with me about him. Now that I know he hasn’t been there for his son just killed me. I couldn’t believe it and I heard the same feeling in your voice. When I hear your concerns I’m on your side 150%, always. If you were being unreasonable in your complaints I would let you know, but so far you have never been. They are all legitimate.”

ANYA: “He does play catch and practice w/him but not enough. I’m not protecting him and defending his actions. I’m protecting my kids. I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m thankful for your love and support.”

When Anya texted that to me, it told me in her own way, she understood my madness. That she understood how I tried to destroy a bad wire to construct and strengthen our connection. I was a passionate man, but never more passionate about anything else in life but her. It just frustrated me to no end at times, she could never see all I did.

ME: “I miss you to death. I want to have love in your life everyday. A real love. The kind that makes you happy not sad. It gets the best of me sometimes.”

ANYA: “I miss you too. Sad.”

It felt good to get some things off my chest about the weekend, but I couldn’t deny the void our exchange left me with, as she admitted without admission that she planned to stay in her godforsaken marriage. It marked the first time I looked upon Anya’s love for me as an act of evil. For her to ask me to fight for her and then stay, after all the things we shared, after I initially walked away to avoid this exact scenario I now faced, and to encourage me to be in this situation was a web only the most poisonous of spiders could weave. My torment mind could only look at it that way while my heart pleaded for its life. Where and why I stood in her life wouldn’t allow me to look at this as for the protection of her kids, but rather her continued deception of them. As I tried to save her from her own grave, she only buried herself more and more with each day that passed as she continued to live an absolute lie. My heart tried to draw upon a mother’s love, something she told me I could never understand, but I lost all respect for it in this situation, especially after all she told me on Friday night. The way I now saw it, this mother’s love because of the absence of being truly loved, only put her kids in harm’s way. Her marriage turned Anya into a rabid dog, who now foamed at the mouth, that needed to be put down, and could no longer be saved by anyone as I began to see a world, I could no longer be a part of.

The next day only brought more silence as even on a Monday I always expected as such, it still wrecked me inside. More than ever before, after she gave me the greatest day of my life for my birthday, a true testament of the truth within her, reality stole her away from me. As much as Anya convinced herself that she loved me, and even though I believed she did, I realized her form of love was no longer the same as mine. Anya had to believe in love in order to convince me to believe it was true, but now I lost trust in it. More so than anything, I lost trust she knew what love really was. There could be no such things as breaks from love when you really loved someone, but only more love.

At a quarter to one, she texted that she hoped I was having a good day, and I played along and wished her the same. The hard reality about her love for me was especially cruel when I realized her love broke my heart more times than Denise ever did. In the middle of busy season, with my career, and essentially my life, on the line, I couldn’t afford another heart break. For months I thought I might be in trouble, but now I felt my life was doomed. That’s this destruction could never lead to construction, but only my annihilation.

Later that afternoon, just a little after 4, she sent me another text.

ANYA: “Not used to such silence.”

I wasn’t used to it as well, but I wasn’t used to the form of love Anya now showed me. A form of love that spoke this way to me only on weekdays when the kids weren’t around and gave me a second face on the weekends when they were. A form that bound both hands behind my back after they were freed to fight for her, as if we were only just friends. She gave me the silent treatment this weekend without warning as she turned into someone I never knew, and all I did was follow her lead. Her form of love wanted a break, but its sole purpose was to only break my heart.

ME: “I miss us.”

ANYA: “Me too.”

Even as I sent her this, I lacked a definition of “us” in her eyes. How could she love me so deeply then allow me to assume the role of homewrecker all because I wanted her to choose the right path? All these feelings she encouraged me to have, she now needed a break from, simply because she didn’t want to deal with the truth behind them. As long as my love for her existed on her terms, in her everchanging form, then I could love her all I wanted to, but at arm’s length. The only love she had for me was a love for herself; the same kind of love Jackson gave her.

As I tussled with the truth about Anya’s love for me, I also struggled with my own truth. The truth I know faced; a cold empty lifeless existence, one I’d never recover from. Money meant nothing to me. My partnership promotion just another admission to what our society and what this world was truly all about. It took me thirty-seven years to meet Anya, and to learn all I ever believed love to be, would only lead to my downfall. They say “everything happens for a reason”, but I failed to see any reason here nor could I find any comfort in. There could be no reason for the cruelest of jokes played on a man who never gave up on love when he had every right to do so. As I faced my truth, my reality, I refused to succumb to death yet, as I took an emotional gamble and bet on some sunlight from behind the clouds; to believe beyond hope she had to know what love truly was all about. If I failed to not postpone my disappointment in her love for me, I would only commit suicide, so I dug deep to let some light through, in the hope my life wasn’t over just yet.

ME: “I understand why you’re upset with me. You must feel sort of betrayed b/c u believed I understood the situation with the kids, and that’s probably what u loved about me the most. I just hate to see you go through the motions. It’s sad because you have the biggest heart in the world.”

ANYA: “It is sad.”

ME: “Your love is an amazing thing to feel and have. You will never know what it’s like to be loved by you.”

ANYA: “Thank you. I feel like my hands are tied sometimes.”

ME: “I know it’s hard on you.”

ANYA: “It is. You know how much I love you.”

As I tried to keep hope alive, my mind began to overwhelm my heart so much so I couldn’t lie to tell her I knew how much she loved me. Her form of love changed on me simply because I needed her. If someone truly wanted to be with someone, nothing would tie their hands behind their back, especially if they believed in love and they truly loved that person. Love trumped all. I seemed to learn more each day how she misrepresented herself when she first met me, as I began to feel misled by love’s hands that would never catch me if I fell. I felt her texts the other day were the equivalent of a story I read the other day in the news. The story told of a road rage incident between a male and female driver. The man was so incensed, he got out of his car, and reached into hers to pull her dog out and into the oncoming freeway traffic. With her texts this weekend, I felt Anya reached inside my chest to discard my heart, as if it had no right to beat. How could Anya believe someone would want to fall deeply in love with her, experience all I did with her, only for the sake of falling in love?

When Tuesday, the tenth day of February arrived, I struggled to remove myself from bed as I wondered what the purpose of my life truly was if it wasn’t meant to save Anya’s. How an existing God allowed this to happen when this was the very reason I failed to believe. Instead of an opportunity to believe in his existence, he gave me more reasons not to. If He wanted me to believe, I needed an explanation of Himself to me and how his love allowed my mother to get Cancer. Did He think money drove me? I only threw myself into my career because the women in my life had thrown my heart into an abyss. I gave Anya everything I had, everyday. If that wasn’t enough, I gave her more. I threw my entire heart and soul into loving her and all I received in return was “I can’t promise you anything”. She had kids before we met and even when she dated Lance, the romantic singer. Why did she give herself to the man who disrespected her and the ones who never did were made to suffer? More than anything I wanted to trust her. I wanted to believe her. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to be there for her without pressure until she figured it out. The problem was the truth; what was real and what was not. I wanted me to prove me wrong about her. I wanted to give her the chance to show me she would never put anyone through what I went through for her unless she planned to be with them. I didn’t see this as an act of protection for her kids. If I was just a friend, and not her lover, I could understand, but her protection only represented an extension of a horrific lie. I wanted to see Anya as just an honest person in a dishonest situation, and not a dishonest person in an even more dishonest situation. I’d never accept to be love sick enough to be fooled this greatly by anyone. I dotted my I’s and crossed my T’s and even crossed my X’s to be on the safer side.

I went in this for all the right reasons, led with a compassionate heart and wore it bravely on my sleeve. I would never accept the role of a homewrecker, but only one of lifesaver. She only ever referred to me as her hero, and never a destroyer of lives. I gave her fourteen months to be honest but the longer she stayed, the more excuses she made. The more inconsistent she was with her love, the less I would believe, and the closer it would lead to the end of all I ever held dear and believed in, and quite possibly my own life.

The next morning at seven fifty a.m., Anya sent me a text, as any communication I received now surprised me.

ANYA: “Thinking of u.”

ME: “Always thinking of u.”

I noticed a trend from her at this time. How during the weekends, she had mixed feelings about us, but during the week when the kids were at school, her feelings were no longer as such. Her weekday feelings were the ones she should pay attention to as they mimicked the feelings of when she became an empty nester. When it would just be just her and Jackson. I truly believed, ultimately, Anya would leave her marriage. I felt when the kids left home, she would realize this wouldn’t work for either of them. The problem I had was if she communicated this to me in the beginning, I would’ve been able to understand her indecision better, and if I decided to fall in love, well, it’s all on me for not listening. Her failure to do so, and to instead tell me she’d be with me if she fell in love with me, didn’t give me the chance to make the best decision for myself, and even for herself, by. If I at least received a promise, I could no longer question her love or intentions, but all she knew was she didn’t know, but without a promise from her, I remained on a path of the misled.

What Anya protected from the kids, they would only eventually learn and would be less likely to hold a grudge against her if she came clean with them. Kids should never be mistaken for the blind and were more aware than adults gave them credit for. They didn’t need braille to know something was wrong and could sense any tension around them. They even thought their own mother was unloving, and if she waited to divorce Jackson after they moved out, they would only feel betrayed and lied to all those years. Worst yet for Anya, they would have a right to feel that way. Their hearts would be more broken down the road than if they learned of their parents’ separation today. Anya and Jackson both had to come to the realization that horse ranches and money wallpaper would not help their cause. They owed it to Katie and Andrew to be honest with them. To not patronize them or insult their senses, especially if one of them had a breakdown of any kind due to the stress the marriage heaped upon them through all the activities, they partook in to partially hide the marital woes from them.

Anya was not a bad parent. There was no manual for parenting. You usually drew from others the best advice you can obtain, and the rest was instinct. I surely wouldn’t want anyone to be critical of me for the way I raised my kids, but when it affected your life as much as it began to affect mine, especially after I had grown so fond of not only her but also her children, it was hard to remain silent. Anya was a great mother and I didn’t want that to get lost in translation, but I didn’t just see, but felt, the mistakes she made, like all parents made from time to time. Overall though, she should be applauded, and not criticized because she truly put them above herself. I wanted Katie and Andrew to know how much they meant to her, but I was an honest man in a dishonest situation. A tough situation to be in I tried to avoid but was told I broke their mother’s heart. I only came into their mother’s life to makes things right for her, and I couldn’t believe for a second, if she thought this marriage was the best thing for her kids, knowing more than anyone how much she loved them, she would’ve ever allowed or encouraged me to be in her life. I just needed her to take my outstretched hand so I could lead her to the honest life that awaited her.

Later that afternoon, as I held a team meeting in my office, the honest life she needed appeared to me through a text message.

ANYA: “Missing u terribly. Eyes r heavy. Want to cry.”

Anya’s tears always changed the direction of the wind for me. I recalled her uncontrollable sobbing over my phone line when she was in Canada. The tears that fell over my thumbs when she came over my apartment to break up with me. I trusted her to never ignore her pain when I came into her life. She simply had no reason to anymore.

When I saw her text, I felt my own eyes begin to fill as I asked the team for five minutes to take an important call. They all nodded in affirmation, and on their way out they closed my office door.

At a time I needed to see her sadness, just to know it mirrored my own and there was still hope for us, she gave it to me. I didn’t care if her tears came on a weekend or weekday, I only needed to know if they could still fall. When I got her text, I didn’t know how to respond as love and concern filled me up. I loved her, and no matter how I felt, I only wanted to be proven wrong as I didn’t want to be right about anything I feared. I wanted her to take “my own truth and conclusions” I formed and shove them where the stars couldn’t shine. She may have loved me with fifty percent of her heart, but I loved her with one hundred percent of mine. I would always try to catch this woman every time she stumbled and fell. I refused to give up on her even in my time of doubt, even when all the odds were against us because I believed her tears, although unseen, were real because of all we’ve shared and been through.

ME: “I miss you terribly too. I’m here babe. I’m not upset with you. Ok? I love you.”

ANYA: “I love you too.”

ME: “Are you working from home?”

ANYA: “Yes.”

ME: “I miss your kiss.”

ANYA: “I miss your kiss too. I was thinking about when we just had our open lips to eachother.”

Her text brought me back to the many times I held her in my arms in bed, and we held heartfelt conversations as our lips touched. When I noticed she connected the word “each” and “other”, in the text, I thought it may have been a typo.

ME: “I love breathing you. You’re all I breathe anyway.”

ANYA: “They are intimate moments. I miss them.”

ME: “I could text you for over an hour about all the things I miss about you.”

ANYA: “Wish you could show me for over an hour.”

ME: “You know that could run well over an hour.”

ANYA: “I know. I really miss you.”

ME: “I really miss you too.”

ANYA: “You’re still my best friend, u know.”

ME: “You’re still mine too, babe. Just want to be with you too.”

ANYA: “I’m always with you in some shape or form.”

ME: “I am too. I love you.”

ANYA: “I love you.”

Just when I thought it was over between us. Just when I thought my formulations and conclusions held the truth about her feelings for me, she showed me her heart, and caught me as her tears saved my life. Whenever I felt it was over between us, Anya always found a way to resuscitate me, a magic only her love had. And although it seemed Anya feared a life without me as much as I feared a life without her, little did we both know our greatest test was just two days away.

A test that threatened to bound us to the cold reality of all we ever feared and to a world where only tears fell.