“Wax me
Mold me
Heat the pins and stab them in
You have turned me into this
Just wish that it was bullet proof”
"Bulletproof..I wish I was" ~ Radiohead
I was unsure of everything now as I felt shock, anger and disgust all rolled up into one tidy emotion. Anya was the wife of Jackson Caiaphas. Our most valued client. A brilliant entrepreneur. A budding political superstar. The proud son of the entire state of California, specifically San Francisco. He was head and shoulders above me and pretty much everyone else. Now I know why she stayed put even after years of emotional abuse. Now I know why she didn’t tell her friends. Now I know why Lance the romantic singer left her. It was because of who he was; who he stands to be. What did my heart get myself into? Why didn’t she tell me who she was married to? Why did I not at least inquire about her last name? I knew the answer to that question; I didn’t want to know her last name. I didn’t want to ever know her last name until it changed to Lastman.
There was no way I could continue our relationship. We were finished. Love was now dead on arrival. It was time to depart. My million-dollar promotion, the one I banked on to save her, to give her the life she told me she dreamt of together could not be jeopardized. I simply couldn’t continue. This relationship could not continue. My mind had murdered my heart and even buried it in a deep backwoods grave. I knew who she was now, and I knew why she hid it from me. The romantic singer knew what he was up against and she lost him. If I didn’t know what I was up against, then she had a chance to be saved. A chance to leave. A chance to live. Unfortunately, I was never destined nor intended to be her savior as the one who controlled the Universe now weighed in on my destiny heavily, and I was at its mercy.
She should have told me. He was a popular figure, like she told me months ago, almost a celebrity. In fact, he was probably the biggest one in the California business world. He didn’t have to be an actor on the big screen to be a star. He was big time. I was small time. I had an office space ten times less in size than he did. He had family pictures in that office too, and all I had was the default screensaver on my computer. He was it all; he had it all. He even had the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes, Anya, and I couldn’t be a part of that break-up, the springboard to his success. The very base in which her kids would find success in life. If she was with me, it’s not only a step back but a fall back over a steep cliff. I could not compete with his greatness. It would end horribly for me and for her. It would make him look bad, and their kids would lose a hero in the process. I couldn’t put anyone through that. Our relationship had to end. I loved her to death. I knew I would be ruined for life. I knew I could never be with another woman and not think about my baby, the only one I could ever love, Anya. The truth stood before me now though, and I could no longer save her. As much as I hoped to be, I couldn’t be her hero. He owned my firm’s success, and he owned my partnership promotion. The only thing I could hope for was his death in order for things to work out between Anya and I, something I couldn’t wish on anyone even if he was a horrific life partner. I hated to run; it ate me alive to morph into such a coward but I was done. This was a technical knockout in the first seven seconds of the opening round of a fight. Actually that gave me too much of a chance as it was more analogous to throw in the towel before I even stepped inside the ring. I promised I’d fight for her and that I was a “big boy” but I never knew what I was truly up against. This was a giant I could never defeat with a slingshot or even a nuclear bomb. The sooner I accepted this rout, the sooner I could go on with my fate.
I planned to let Anya know my intention to end our relationship the following morning. I had no clue who she was married to, and as much as it destroyed me to let her go, I had no choice. The universe had spoken as a colossal comet had crash landed into my tiny world, and it forced me to now accept its frigid reality; I was a loser. A nobody with a chance less than zero. I simply couldn’t measure up to her husband and she deserved someone who could. Who really had the resources to save her, if she could ever be saved by anyone. Seven months of my life gone to waste, not to mention my future simply because I knew what love felt like now, and I would settle for nothing less than all I felt for Anya. If I ever felt love again, it would have to feel greater than this because if it was equal, I would feel like I betrayed her. I knew without a doubt our love only happened once in a lifetime if we were lucky, and although it’s quite often in life, we never married our soulmates it’s mostly because we had never met them. I did, and it’s all I ever waited for and all I sacrificed my life for.
All I felt for Anya was better than I ever expected or dreamt of, but now all I ever held on to was gone. I had to choose reality over the dream. The earth over the astral. Financial security over the uncertain. Money over love. I now knew why Anya stayed put all these years, and why she believed marriages were unrealistic and tolerated his indiscretions. My decision to end us was also my goodbye to true love forever as I knew I would never feel this deeply for anyone again. I would always love her; there’s no way I never could, and I would always carry her in my heart wherever I went; a piece of me no one would ever have again because I knew no woman could ever compare to Anya as I would morph into a widower more than a divorcee. No matter the depth of love between us, we were now done, forever; the beat in my heart slowed to a still. Jackson Caiaphas, a man I couldn’t compete with on any level had stopped it and rightfully squashed the breeding butterflies. I had to acknowledge he was the best for Anya, Katie and Andrew. Landman was not, and could never be.
7:57 a.m.
“Good morning!”
When I received her morning text, I didn’t know how to respond, and I didn’t sleep at all so it was hardly a good time to discuss my discovery. It was also the last day of her recital, and I feared to send a reply that could affect her as my stomach felt like it wanted to come out of my body. Anya had become like a drug, a co-dependency I was unable to shake loose from yet knew I had to, like a drug abuser who found out they had severe liver damage, and was now in need of a transplant, but had a whole bottle of pills left.
ME: “Good morning! How r u?”
ANYA: “I’m fine, baby. One more show! I saw u briefly walking into the auditorium last nite! Did u c me? How r u?”
ME: “I did see you! Behind the booth talking to a friend. Looked like you had a cup of coffee in your hand. I’m good.”
ANYA: “U did c me! I turned around and saw u walking in! I miss u baby!”
ME: “I miss u too! Katie was truly terrific! I was really impressed. U should be really proud.”
ANYA: “Ur so sweet. I’m very proud of her. She works hard. U c now why she thinks she’s so “Cool”! Big head! JK! Was it hard for u babe?”
ME: “She works hard so she should feel proud about her achievements! In my opinion, she is pretty cool! A lot cooler than I am that’s for sure! Not at all.”
ANYA: “I’m very touched you came to see my daughter perform. Made me realize how much I love you. You’re a very important part of my life.”
ME: “You’re a very important part of my life too. I love you too.”
The only hard part of the show for me was what I learned at the end of it. Her piercing “you’re a very important part of my life” statement made this a lot more difficult on me though, as my heart wedged itself in to tussle with my mind. I began to suspect she probably expected Lance, the romantic singer, to walk away from her because he knew who her husband was, but she hid his identity from me on purpose so I couldn’t do the same to her. She even did it with her ring the first night we met until Mitch forced her to show me. Now I had to sort between the two questions. Was what Anya withheld from me the greatest act of betrayal or was it the greatest act of love? I had no clue, but I had to figure it out quick. Time was of the essence, and everything truly weighed in the balance; my partnership promotion, my entire career, our future together as everything we shared and all we would ever share was now in jeopardy.
Another dilemma I had was how I would even bring this up to her. How would I start the conversation? “Oh hey, by the way I’ve been wondering, by any chance is your last name Caiaphas?”, or should I just suddenly spring it on her with a “Hey what’s the haps, Mrs. Caiaphas?” One thing however appeared to be certain; this summed up my entire life’s luck with women. Of all the married people I could ever possibly date, her husband just happened to be my firm’s largest and most valued client. I knew not only which way I leaned, but also which way I had to. I had to not only run, but sprint without a glance back. Lance bolted; now Landyn had to bolt too, and it had nothing to do with her children. I just didn’t know how to communicate this to a person who told me all the things she did that allowed me to feel the greatest things I ever felt.
The more she text me during this day however the more my heart began to weigh in on the decision.
12:39 p.m.
“I miss u. What r u up to today? It’s beautiful out!”
ME: “Oh nothing. I have some work I have to get done. Miss u too. How is the afternoon show going?”
ANYA: “Almost over! Did u see the little girls last night? They were so cute!”
ME: “They were super cute. They were in the first two numbers I noticed. I think one of them fell down but she got back up as if nothing happened.”
ANYA: “I didn’t know about that! So much happens behind the scenes it’s not even funny. Katie barely made it in the Coppelia chair in time! Seconds! Glad u were there. Better go! I love you forever!”
ME: “I love you forever!”
I truly did regardless of what I learned the night before. The choice was no longer mine to not love her. I did and always would, innately.
After the final show that evening Anya planned to go out to dinner with her group of dancers and their moms so I didn’t expect to hear from her again that day. My mind was in a grinder anyway. The negative thoughts that came and went were unlike any I experienced as my emotions shifted from my ability to my inability to cope with her loss, which undoubtedly would be the greatest of my life. This fear then led me on a quest for knowledge as I realized only the cold hard truth about what she had allowed me to be a part of could be the elixir to all the anguish I felt.
Unable to sleep but beyond fatigued as dark circles encased my eyes, I pulled myself groggily up to my computer desk to search the web for an epiphany and any peace of mind. I needed to face the truth and the sooner I did the easier I felt this could be on my heart. If I could convince myself this version of Anya I loved dearly didn’t truly exist, then I felt maybe I could end us without any unnecessary prolonged mental anguish. People may call this cyberstalking but I called it my heart’s only method of self-defense. To begin my search to save what I had left of my face, I entered the string of “Jackson and Anya Caiaphas” into the search engine to see what came up, and there I saw evidence of their union, their names included on a document to show they donated money to a certain cause, and a Jewish church newsletter that listed the date of their anniversary along with the number of years they had been betrothed. I then typed “Anya Caiaphas” only and the search engine produced links that showed her half marathon times and a couple of the volunteer organizations she belonged to. I then keyed in “Jackson Caiaphas” and numerous links came up. A link to a scholarship in his name awarded to a deserving high school student, and the link to the website of his business. I clicked on the link of his business website and I waited a few minutes for what appeared to be a collage of pictures to upload on the site’s homepage. Once they were uploaded however, my stomach began to turn inside out as I saw a picture of them together with his arm slung around Anya’s shoulder. I almost literally threw up because it hurt to see her with another man, any man, especially one who she told me so many terrible things about yet was also far greater than I was. However, after a minute had passed and my heart settled down to a slower pace, I took further notice in the picture a tension existed between them on their faces as they looked more like friends than a couple. The thing that struck me the most though was what she had on; the same black dress the day she came to my place and translated the words of “Toda Una Vida” to me. For the first time since I attended the recital, I smiled as I came to my cold epiphany that my web search only yielded the things she already told me, all consistent with the truth, and even displayed an act of defiance only her and I knew of as I held the knowledge she was at my place just hours before this picture was taken. Her truth I found also reset my mind from the façade of her marriage that greatly disabled me at times, and with this relief I was finally able to battle the circles under my eyes as I fell asleep though the entire night; a peace I desperately needed.
When the new day arrived, Anya sent me a wake-up call I not only looked forward to every morning, but now grew accustomed to.
7:26 a.m.
“Good morning! Sorry I couldn’t talk last nite. Had a house full of dancers!”
ME: “Good morning! I didn’t expect to hear from you. I knew you were busy. How r u? Looking forward to seeing you on Thursday.”
ANYA: “I’m excited about Thursday, but I think I’m coming down w/something. I have a sore throat. I think I’m just worn out. Didn’t go to the gym. Couldn’t get up.”
ME: “Well, all I can say is you better start nursing your way back to health because I’m dying over here! Honestly, I don’t know how you did it all weekend. I’d be in bed for an entire month. Sorry to hear you’re not feeling well.”
ANYA: “You’re so funny! Ok, I’ll try my best to nurse my way back. I’ve been going non-stop and I haven’t been taking my supplements. My doing. I’d still like to see u but I don’t think you’ll want to kiss me.”
ME: “Yeah right! You can add that to the list of sure things in life. Death, taxes, teen lies and me always wanting to kiss you. I was just kidding, babe. Take it easy over there. Hope you feel better. I have to get to work. Have a great day! Happy seven months! Today is the thirtieth!”
ANYA: “Happy seven months! I love you!”
Only seven months ago I met the love of my life, and now only seven months later I would lose the love of my life yet it made all the sense in the world as nothing seemed real anymore other than my disappointments. Ending our relationship was something I couldn’t do over a text or on the phone, and I didn’t want to give her the impression something was wrong so I had to put on an act until Thursday. It would be the act of a completely insane man to risk love over money, and I couldn’t ask her to do the same thing. “Everything” seemed to be a pretty big deal to her if she stayed with him this long as I now believed I asked for too much from her to leave a man like her husband. Why would she even consider leaving him now anyway? She worked for the man. She shuttled his kids around non-stop while they both worked hard to keep their family fully functioning. Why did she even start a relationship with me? How could she tell me I broke her heart when I left her because she was married? How could she tell me all these things knowing who her husband was and what they truly stood for? She cared about what people thought of her way too much because she had no choice to. Why would she ever leave him to be with me knowing all the people they knew? She would have no choice but to run if she did. There was no way she could leave him peacefully. He wouldn’t have it. He would not be shamed. He would never allow her to ruin him in the middle of a possible race for national recognizance; to lose an empire he had built and looked to build even more upon; to lose face in front of all his constituents; all his business partners; all the people he knew; our firm. I had to break it off on Thursday without any reservations, without any consideration of the pain I would certainly find myself in for years to come. I also owed it to Clyde just as much if not more than anyone, a man who trusted and put his complete faith in me. The man who gave me an opportunity to mean and be something in this world; a man who valued me far greater than I ever valued myself.
Later that evening, Anya sent me a text that always put my guard down.
6:18 p.m.
“I miss u.”
ME: “I miss u too. How r u feeling?”
ANYA: “Feeling okay. Had a chocolate bar for lunch. Nice huh? Just don’t feel like eating except chocolate. Hope I don’t get u sick!”
ME: “I’m impervious remember? Thanks for thinking of me though.”
ANYA: “Ur always on my mind.”
ME: “Ur always on my mind too. Hard to believe you had time to think about me at all when you were so busy this weekend.”
ANYA: “I was really busy, but I remember having contact. I just miss u all the time so it doesn’t surprise me. When I saw u walk in I wondered if u had seen me. I wanted to run to you to say hi but I stopped myself b/c I was w/my friend. I walked backstage bummed out.”
ME: “There was no way I could walk by that t-shirt booth, knowing you were there without looking for you. I miss u too much to not want to see you even for just a second. I just didn’t want to put you in a position to be judged by people who don’t know the truth why you know me.”
ANYA: “Was it weird for u to be at the show?”
ME: “I did feel strange about it. I think it was natural to feel that way given the circumstances, but I was there to show I supported you and your daughter so I didn’t feel too strange about it.”
ANYA: “I thought it was weird too but also felt it was very sweet of you. I’ll never forget it. I was very touched. I love you very much!”
That’s all that really mattered to me; that she appreciated the fact I was there. Sure, it was bizarre but I knew the significance of my patronage, and it meant a lot to her otherwise she would have never asked me to come even with her high profile husband in attendance. I just couldn’t have expected I’d learn such a harsh truth, a truth that carried my life and all my happiness in this world along with it.
8:36 p.m.
“I’m having drinks with the C & D. Not feeling well but Carolyn needed to talk. I miss u. Can’t believe I’m going to see u on Thursday!”
After Anya revealed she loved me more than I knew, I began to sense whenever she had a tougher than usual time missing me, she would hang out with Carolyn and Debbie to help alleviate it so she could get away to spend some time with me. She would never tell me she did this, but my connection with her allowed me to feel it, and especially now that I knew she loved me “more than I know” she never had to tell me.
ME: “I miss u too. I can’t believe it either.”
ANYA: “Can I ask you something? It’s kind of a personal question.”
ME: “Sure. Shoot.”
ANYA: “If you could choose would you check the male box or the female box?”
ME: “The what? What r u talking about?”
ANYA: “You know, if you had the choice would you rather be male or female? Which box would you check?”
ME: “Oh! That’s an easy one. The male box of course. I don’t know how you ladies do it, but I don’t think I would ever survive giving birth. Which box would you choose?”
ANYA: “It’s not that bad! I would check the female box. I don’t think I could handle all the pressures men have.”
Stolen novel; please report.
ME: “Are you kidding? I still think giving birth is harder than anything a man does! I don’t care what you say. “Oh child birth is not that bad”. Yeah right! Male box! Check!”
ANYA: “Ha! You’re too much!”
The comradery Anya and I had built over the last seven months, as it grew off our connection, was tough to ignore, and that made it harder than anything for me to end things. She was simply my best friend. She knew me in a way no other woman ever had and we fed off each other as we respected and even enjoyed the differences between us. It’s what good honest, even heart breaking at times, communication created and because of it we seemed to always be within each other. Every time I had voiced a concern, she did everything her situation allowed to rectify it, and I did my part too as I supported her at all times even when she didn’t support herself.
After an hour of silence passed since her gender box query, she text me again.
9:41 p.m.
“R u there?”
ME: “I’m here babe. R u still with the girls? How r u feeling?”
ANYA: “My head feels so heavy. I’m high on cough medicine. I’m going to leave. Don’t feel good.”
ME: “Ok, beautiful. Please drive safe on your way home. I’m sorry you don’t feel good. I love you.”
ANYA: “I love you, babe. I’m very lucky to have you in my life. Goodnight.”
ME: “I feel like I’m the lucky one. Thanks again for inviting me to see your daughter perform on Saturday evening. Goodnight.”
ANYA: “Awww babe. You don’t know how much it meant to me that u were there!”
ME: “Well, I can’t take all the credit for that. You were there too, so it was an easy choice.”
I didn’t know how to quit her. I loved her. She was my only happiness. It was suicide. She was my real million-dollar payday. My purpose. My moment. My life. My soulmate. My best friend. The love of my absolute life, but I had to kill myself. I had to walk away. I had no choice. I was defeated. I could never compete with a man of the caliber of Jackson Caiaphas. A man who could give her the world; the finer things. All I could give her was a one-bedroom apartment in Irvine and even with the promotion I still fell way short. If I was an internal body part I’d be the appendix; useless, better cut out than attached so I had to detach myself from the thing in this world I cared about and loved the most. I offered little to no use to her, and to her kids. I was no one, a huge nobody; a loser compared to him and all he gave her. I had to see myself through the lens of this reality, a realm she allowed me to escape from for seven months. In time, Jackson Caiaphas would eventually learn she was dating the associate at a firm he in essence helped build; a lowly associate not even worth an office or an effort to remember his name. In his eyes, I was a bottom dweller who just sold him on our firm because of an offer far below market value. Anyone could have done it, and that’s exactly what I was if I continued to be a part of Anya’s life, a person she knew who was far below market value, if I had any value at all.
I wanted to give her the courtesy of a face to face visit, but my heart wouldn’t be able to stomach it as I had to break it off with her before Thursday arrived. I simply had to; time was of the essence, and I could no longer pretend everything was fine. It wasn’t fair to her so I refused to keep my intentions to end our relationship hidden any longer because of the reality of all I was up against, and it was big time. My entire reputation. My entire career. My entire future. My entire life. All the years of school. All the time I spent studying for an exam. All the hours of hard work and sacrifice. All of it, on the line. I couldn’t save her; just like the romantic singer before me, I fell short. I know I told her I would be a “big boy” and this would be all on me, but there was no way I could’ve foreseen I’d be up against Jackson Caiaphas, of all people, a foe I didn’t want any part of no matter how much of a horrible husband he was to Anya.
Anya sure didn’t make it easier on me throughout the next day however, the first one as the month of July fell upon us.
8:07 a.m.
“Have a great day! I love you forever!”
4:50 p.m.
“I love you!!!”
Up to this point, I had saved all her texts. Every text she had ever sent me up to this point I saved, but when I received these texts, I did the unthinkable and deleted them from my phone. I then made an even greater decision and deleted every other text I had saved in order to toughen myself up for what I had to do. When she sent me a text later that evening, it gave me an opportunity to ask her if we could talk so I could officially break my own heart.
7:16 p.m.
“On my way to visit a friend. She had a hysterectomy. TMI right?”
ME: “And that’s why I check the male box!”
ANYA: “Toooooo funny!!!!! I’d still check the female box!”
ME: “You can do that!”
ANYA: “You can always come to the other side babe! It’s really nice to be on the other side! No pressure!”
ME: “No thank you very much. I also don’t like bleeding every month for no reason.”
ANYA: “No reason? Did you take anatomy and physiology?”
ME: “I took physiology as an elective but I elected to pay more attention to my business school courses.”
ANYA: “Ha! Even people with quantum physics backgrounds knows the reason of “bleeding every month”! Miss u!”
ME: “Miss u too!”
As much as I prepared for it, after another fun gender box exchange I couldn’t bring myself to ask her for some time on the phone even after I deleted all her texts because the timing seemed less than ideal. That evening though, I decided to first get on my computer to memorialize all my thoughts and the reasons why I decided to break things off with her. I didn’t want her to think I didn’t love her or would even fall out of love with her, that my reasons were not because my feelings changed for her. When I finished putting my thoughts to doc, she sent me a text that gave me another chance to ask her if we could talk.
9:27 p.m.
“Goodnight!! I love you forever!”
ME: “Hi Babe, could I give you a call tomorrow evening? I would like to talk to you if possible.”
ANYA: “Ok, babe. I have some time tomorrow evening at around 6. Will that work?”
ME: “That’s perfect. I’ll call you at 6. Thanks Sweetheart! Goodnight. I love you forever!”
If I was told to fall asleep on this night or I would lose my life, I would be dead when the sun rose. It was the hardest night of my life as I knew I now had less than twenty-four hours to say goodbye to Anya. I didn’t think it was right for her to come visit me on Thursday, not feeling well at all to have me just break things off with her. I didn’t want to waste her gas or any more of her precious time I knew meant a lot for her to have, and with that knowledge, I was more determined than ever to let her go. Yes, I would be devastated. Yes, my life would be over to a great degree, but at least I had a chance to survive with my partnership promotion still in place. At least I could find a way to make it even if I had to struggle for a few years getting over her. There was just too much at stake for me now and so much to rationalize. In the end though, as destiny would have it, the universe would once again make the decision much easier for me to make.
It all started innocently enough; a typical workday in my office until Kevin Kash entered with his cell phone.
“Check this out, Land.” he said as he briskly entered my office and shut the door behind him.
“What is it?” I asked confused.
He then laid his phone down face up on my desk, put it on speaker, and increased the volume full tilt. What sounded like a newscast, a political show of some kind I determined based on the patriotic music, began to spew forth from his phone. I didn’t know if it was CNN or C-Span or any other specialized programming because I never followed politics, but before I could speak, a male broadcaster began to.
“Hello to all our listeners and welcome to another podcast of our show “Who’s Who”. I’m your host, Roger Duncan, and today we have a very special guest we are very honored to have join us. If you’re from the Bay area or South Orange County, you have probably heard of this gentleman; long-time California assembly member and current councilman from the great city of San Francisco, who is now making a run for a seat on the House of Representatives, Mr. Jackson Caiaphas. Good afternoon Jackson, thank you for joining us today.”
“Pleased to be here, Roger.”
“One of my staffers backstage informed me of this just before we went on the air so let me start off the show by saying congratulations on your recent wedding anniversary.”
“Oh! Yes. Thank you.”
“How many years have you now been married?”
“Twenty-three years…I mean married for fifteen years; We’ve been together for twenty-three years now.”
“That’s amazing.” announced Roger who clapped softly. “You don’t see people together that long nowadays.”
“Indeed. My wife and I have a special bond.”
“You clearly do.” he said. “It also sounds like your wife has been very supportive as you continue your ascent within the political ranks.”
“Oh, she’s very supportive.” Jackson exclaimed. “When we got married and decided to have children we agreed I would work and she would stay at home and raise them.”
“It sounds like its worked out well.”
“It has. She’s a Rockstar. We’re very fortunate to have each other.” Jackson Caiaphas announced. “We actually listen to your podcasts almost every day together. We enjoy the show so very much.”
“Well, it sounds like you have a wonderful marriage and thank you for listening to the show. We are really excited to have you here.”
“Yes, I have a wonderful marriage. A wonderful family. I’m one blessed man, Roger. I’m excited to be here.”
The more I listened, the more my stomach began to churn and tighten as I literally wanted to vomit. Because of Kevin’s presence however I couldn’t break away from the torture my ears endured. He had such a “wonderful marriage” he forgot he’s been married for fifteen years and not twenty-three years. Then he corrects himself and shamelessly boasts they’ve been together for twenty-three years. I guess it wouldn’t be appropriate to mention they were broken up for four years in between that time, and his “wife” was even engaged to another man during their time apart, and even less appropriate to not accept a congratulation on a fifteen-year marriage riddled with infidelities. If he was going to announce so much pride about his relationship, why don’t he further boast he met her when she was nineteen and he was thirty? There’s nothing wrong with that age difference, right? I mean, just think only seven more years from now his own daughter, Katie could meet some thirty-year old guy who thinks it’s okay to date impressionable teenagers too, and who would have thought “Rockstar” mothers were even tradeable for two twenty year olds when they turned forty! It boggled my mind how he could get on the air and lie to the public like that without any hesitation. Doesn’t Roger Duncan screen his guests at all? How could he even dare to declare such things that were so far from the truth without batting an eye? How could he possibly sit there and proclaim he had a “wonderful marriage” when he knew his wife wad clearly only there out of fear and not love? I didn’t expect him to announce the truth but at least a little show of humility was in order or some cognizance his marriage was not perfect. The only thing I could truly vouch for as he spewed more garbage was that he had wonderful kids, but the family and the marriage were only wonderful lies.
The more I listened to the podcast, as he talked about his humble beginnings and self-anointed rise to business and political stardom, the less I trusted a single word that came from the orifice he emitted his deceits from. In a matter of only three minutes, I suddenly lost all the respect in the world for Jackson Caiaphas and how he attained his wealth. Beyond his lies, I could easily see how he could not relate to the American public on any level unless they were all in his same tax bracket. On display was the very reason why I despised politics and never followed them as these shows only showcased the ability of their guests to skillfully spin their own version of the truth which was far from it. It suddenly became clear to me the very reason why I became an auditor, and why I enjoyed what I did; I detested frauds; people who deceived others only to serve themselves, and here before me trumpeted the biggest fraud of all, but no one knew other than myself and Anya who this man truly was and who he truly represented; the ultimate special interest group, himself.
“My wife and I, we watch political and money shows together. We have these kinds of programs running pretty much all day long in our house. We want our kids to know the importance of money and politics; the value of them in our society.” Spun Jackson Caiaphas. “In fact, I believe life is all about the business of politics. How we convey and portray ourselves to others to survive and obtain the things we need or desire. There’s so much to it than the political propaganda that goes on; politics is business and business is politics. That’s why I enjoy your show so much Roger. It presents a forum that allows “Who’s Who” to not only present their views but also represent themselves in an honest light, and I can’t tell you enough how appreciative I am for the opportunity.”
“We really appreciate you being here Jackson.” Gushed the host. “Do you see anything in particular that needs to be changed in D.C.? Something you see yourself championing for in Congress if elected?”
“Well, I bring a business acumen and entrepreneurial spirit to Washington, and that’s how this country became great. We had great leaders, but we don’t have great leaders anymore. The bottom line is we must make sure all businesses can flourish and although many people see a recession headed our way, I believe this market growth is sustainable and will only continue to grow.” Opined Jackson. “What I would fight for is the lowering of the capital gains tax so people would be more inclined to invest and put their gains on investments back into our economy; back into our businesses. I believe doing so would cut off any chance at a recession.”
As he began to sound more like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me, at this point of the interview I had to find a way to get Kevin to shut off his phone before I threw it across the room in disgust. The one thing I admired about the man, his commitment to his wife and family was lost, and his personal achievements, his political positions, I no longer found appealing as his character was now no longer intact.
“Well, Kev. He certainly had a lot to say, but I have to get to work here.” I said.
“You don’t want to hear the rest of it?”
“I got a ton of work and I need to get started. Clyde’s expecting me to wrap up this job today so he can review the file.”
“It’s Jackson Caiaphas though, Land. Our biggest client. Clyde will understand.”
“I know he would, but we have other clients too, you know. We service quite a few here these days.”
“Yeah, mostly because of Jackson Caiaphas.”
I looked up at him and nodded slowly in resignation as I buried my hands into my slack pockets.
“Well anyway, I really gotta get going.” I said as I began to put my laptop into my computer bag. “I have to head out to Hesperia right now to check out the progress of the audit.”
“Oh, okay then.” Said Kevin as he mercifully shut down his phone. “Isn’t it kind of late now to be heading out there? I thought you were done? Didn’t you say you had a file to wrap up?”
“We’re having some inventory valuation issues. Measuring the rebar and the steel. It’s a tricky calculation and the team needs my help out there so they can sleep in their own beds at night next week.” I said. “It’s kind of late, yeah, but that’s the file I need to wrap up today though so I have no choice.”
“Are you over budget?”
“Slightly, about five K.”
“Bummer. Yeah, you better go stop the bleeding.”
“Yep.” I said as I slung my laptop carry across my shoulder and pat Kevin lightly on the back of his shoulder when I walked by him. “Thanks for letting me listen in on that. It was very, um…informative.”
“No prob Land. Be safe out there huh?” he said. “It’s really gusty in the high desert right now I heard and the winds can sometimes tip over semis.”
“Thanks for letting me know. I will.” I said. “I’ll be back in the office the rest of the week. Have a good one Kev.”
“You too.” He said as I hustled out of the office.
I had to escape as my reality became no longer recognizable, a reality that belonged solely to me. I hadn’t planned to drive out to Hesperia that afternoon, but Kevin’s podcast kicked that option into high gear. I needed the long drive though away from everything. Away from the truth. Away from my heartache. Away from the lies. Away from the realization of a world around me I would no longer see the same way again, and as I drove into the brutally gusty high desert, a montage of Jackson Caiaphas moments played in my head as I remembered some of the things he said that struck me like a caning.
“See this ring on my finger? I’ve been married a long time.”
“I’m a good role model because I’m a perfectionist which is why I have been so successful.”
“Yes, I am pretty much the perfect husband as well which is “muy importante” because a happy wife equals a happy life, right?”
“I’m just a self-made success. Of course I had to eat some people alive on my way up but that’s the business of politics. I don’t apologize for anything.”
“A family is the only thing worth working for, if you ask me, anything else is a show of egocentricity.”
“I’d lose an arm if I could change things.”
“You’ll never leave me, you’re too high maintenance.”
“I will fight for you. You belong to me.”
“I’ll trade you in for two twenty year olds when you turn forty.”
My mind cycled through all the putdowns, all the lies, all the unabashed self-promotion, all the emotional sabotage, and all the veiled insults, but each and every time I harked back to his “See this ring on my finger” did I lose all respect for him as he tried to pull the wool over my eyes, lower my defenses and convince me of his righteousness that day so I would sing his praises like all his other puppets did who only knew of him, but did not really know him. All I could do was seethe quietly inside, not because of these things he said only to me, but what he said and did to the woman I loved more than life itself as his arrogance shone brighter than a thousand supersuns. I then began to hear her words, in my head, as if they were cries.
“I would rather die than never have you in my life.”
“I love you more than life.”
“I need you like I need air.”
“I love you more than you know.”
“No matter what happens, I have no regrets.”
“Would you fight for me?”
“I couldn’t help it.”
“I love you forever.”
“I love you forever.”
“I love you forever.”
“I love you forever” was all I could think of because it’s all that mattered. It didn’t matter if I ran or not. “I love you forever” was not only a fact but a non-time sensitive statement, one that would never change, and now I knew exactly why it was said; not only out of truth but also out of fear. Fear she would lose me, and if she ever did, she wanted me to know the truth about her feelings, because she knew I was the only man that could save her from his treachery, his deception and her perpetual sadness, but even with all these powerful emotions I was still unsure about our immediate future until she sent me a simple text, a sign, while I drove into oblivion, and my car began to shake violently back and forth from the gusts that now greeted me.
1:23 p.m.
“Happy 13 months!”
A love like this, a love that tells you the date without looking at a calendar or your phone was not of this earth. Even I had forgotten it was thirteen months ago we met and if it meant that much to her, it meant everything to me. “Thirteen months” spoke volumes to me. It was a belief. A belief in each other, and it also carried the belief Jackson Caiaphas did not have a chance against it. If he were suspicious, why hasn’t he done anything to stop it? Because he knew the business of politics, and he played a game with her, like he did for the last fifteen years. He thought she would come back, but she hadn’t, and she never will as long as I didn’t run from him out of fear like Lance did.
The truth was she was my everything and for me to be in fear of losing my partnership promotion, and my million-dollar payday, then I was a hypocrite for believing in love let alone ever mentioning to her that “money and things don’t lead to happiness.” They are certainly nice to have, but they weren’t everything, and by running away from Caiaphas, I would be the very fraud I criticized him for being. Seven months later I was now too deep in the game. I wouldn’t abandon her because I would never do what his love did to her. All the heartbreaks with women from my past I never understood until now, as all those years of sadness I ever felt made me the man I am today, the one who was truly made solely for her. The one made for this very moment as the meaning of my entire life was now before me; my life’s purpose to show the world true love does indeed exist. The love we shared, the once in a many lifetimes love was everything to me, and there was nothing in this world more important to fight for because it was just one of the things all the money in the world could never buy.
When my car almost veered off the road because of a sudden strong gust, I realized I was nearly thirty miles over the speed limit, but I blamed it on the fire I felt inside as my ambition to marry Anya one day, to be able to propose to her under the Eiffel Tower, and to save her from a certain life time of suffering burned as well. I had to make this dream work, and to become a reality. I had to fight, like I promised her I would, and find a way to keep it all; to have it all. I could find another client for the firm similar to Jackson Caiaphas and keep my identity hidden from him as well, but if Anya and I did marry, which I intended, then I would need a back-up plan for the firm. That way if we lost him as a client, we had another to take his place. He was a big fish, but I could land an even bigger one for the firm. What good was Caiaphas as a client if he lacked character and integrity anyway? If he cheated on his own wife many times, the person he supposedly loves, then how many clients and other businesses had he cheated? How many tenants had been overcharged on rents and CAM charges? His entire success he attributed to his understanding of the business of politics. The business of politics? What was that anyway? Donating money to a charitable cause and hiding behind it? Joining a church then hiding behind it? Did he treat his family in the same manner? Did he buy boats and horses for the kids so he could hide behind them as well? Because it all sounded like a part of the business of politics to me, and I had no problem making it my business to destroy the lies behind that industry.
In my opinion, Jackson Caiaphas was Satan in a suit; an entity more than a man who relied on false perceptions of who he truly was and an indiscriminate deception to magnify himself, even looking like a decent husband in the eyes of the people around him, who he bought in some way. He was the sickest of all sociopaths, misguided by a lust of politics and a pursuit of wealth; the poster boy for the American Nightmare and not the American Dream. He clearly meant something in this world, but little did I realize I now meant something too. In fact, I was just as huge, if not greater because I had the most coveted thing of all, over all material things and money; I had Anya’s heart. Not only did she give that to me, but she also gave me the greatest weapon against him; his reputation, along with the knowledge and the power to wreck him if I ever had to defend myself as she gave me the truth about him and kept it away from everyone else. If he did try to leave our firm, his bad reputation would most certainly follow him out the door as it would only leave people to wonder why Jackson Caiaphas left KSR. And once people found out it was because his wife found someone who truly respected her, who truly cared about her, and who truly loved her they would eventually understand she left him because someone else made her feel safer and into a better person. And his own mother, shame on her, for telling her daughter in law to just “suck it up” in the face of his multiple gross infidelities in order to preserve her son’s pursuit of wealth and deception. If mommy dearest had taught her son real values such as humility and respect instead of money being the “be all end all”, then he would be worthy of his mother’s requests and Anya’s loyalty. He was however, a professional liar, a thief of emotions, and an abuser who exerted emotional and financial control over his wife by preying on her fears of losing her children and financial support, two true tenets of domestic violence. I felt he embodied all the wrong in the world today, and his reputation meant more to him than his own wife did. He only loved himself over all he claimed to had built, a classic narcissist. Everything about Jackson Caiaphas was a falsehood, and the love for his wife was more false than anything as he only cared to lose the grip he had on his empire and the praises from all the people around him who believed his utopia truly existed on merit and who kept it intact for him.
Anya communicated to me she loved me more than any other man before; that I was the most kind, the most thoughtful, the most patient man she had ever met. Her words simply told me everything which embodied love, I stood for, and she even longed for our love more than the love that surrounded her every day. It was solely the kids who stood in her way and the fear she would lose them and their respect. My greatest fight wasn’t against Jackson Caiaphas, and as much as I despised the man, this wasn’t about fisticuffs but rather about ideals. More than anything though, this was about how important it was in life to have a real love so one day her kids could recognize it and have it as well, but in a much healthier way.
I believed chivalry was not dead as this fight she encouraged me to be a part of was everything I felt I was put on this earth to do. It was now simply my duty to stand up for a love our society had left for dead. That there was absolutely nothing more important in this world to possess and all I needed was one person to show the world what I had always known to be true. More than anything, I had to show her kids, two special innocent hearts, that their mother was the most loving person on this planet. Not only would they see the beauty in her, and who she truly was, but they would also know it intimately because I brought it out of her like no other person ever had or ever could. In the end, hopefully, they would also know not money or things nor horses nor boats led to happiness. That love was the leader and everything else followed.
Through these hopes, wishes and dreams of my own, I finally grasped that my moment, and not the end but rather the rest of my life, had truly arrived. I also realized Jackson Caiaphas wasn’t going to just divorce his wife because his ego would have to face the folks; to face the reality that all his money, all the people he knew, even his obsession with vanity and his business of politics was not enough. That in the end, he was just bones under flesh, and when and if he learned it was Landman with his one-bedroom apartment and his office ten sizes less than his who Anya preferred, I believed it would shake the foundation of deception he stood firmly upon all these years. I didn’t have his money, and I would probably never attain his level of success, but I had him beat in integrity, in character, in conscience and I felt it would be enough in the end as I believed the fear of exposure would naturally lead him to eventual acceptance; he had too much to lose not to.
I was now ready to fight and even die for love as Jackson Caiaphas and I spun like two spiraling galaxies out of control headed for a collision course with each other and all we ever stood for.
It was necessary.
It was my destiny.
It was everything.
It was the reason I was in her life.
I just had to keep him from learning who I was until after my partnership promotion became official.