“Fear of the unknown is the greatest fear of all.”
~ Yvon Chouinard
6:07 a.m.
“Ahh! A present! I love that song. It about sums it up, doesn’t it?”
I was worried she would fail to respond positively to the song lyrics I texted to her of the Bryan Adams song she wanted me to listen to. I just never felt closer to her, and if I didn’t feel every tug and pull from her before, I certainly did now. I became sensitized to almost anything she did as I wholeheartedly trusted in her love, and not only that she loved me, but that she understood what love meant, and how it could never hurt kids over the long term. Sure, in the short-term, it would affect them and maybe even hurt them, like it would hurt or affect any child who had yet to understand why things changed. This was love, though. Anya and I weren’t A-Rod and Madonna who irresponsibly disappeared in a hidden chateau somewhere. This was a “let’s face the folks and show them what we already know” kind of love, and I could not be convinced otherwise. She even said our love was “pure” and there was a “goodness” she found in it, and I trusted she sincerely felt that way, and had no reason to lie about that to me, her best friend.
During our morning text exchange, after wrote she missed me and was now on Twilight’s page number two hundred fifty. She then began to ask about my plans for the day, and I really didn’t think anything unusual about her questions, nor did I expect anything to come from my answers…but she did.
ANYA: “What are you doing today?”
ME: “I’m going to do the gym and then after that I don’t know.”
ANYA: “When are you going to the gym?”
ME: “I really don’t know yet to be honest.”
ANYA: “I’m going out to be out with Katie all day shopping for room accessories. I thought if you had time I could meet you for a quick tea before I head out.”
ME: “Oh my God, I’d love to have tea with you! What time did you have in mind?”
ANYA: “Do you want to work out now? I’m actually ready to leave with her pretty soon. I’m afraid I will have to push tea time until this afternoon.”
ME: “That works out, perfectly! Can you give me an ETA?”
ANYA: “2:30 for tea?”
ME: “2:30! I love you!”
ANYA: “U promise?”
ME: “I promise I won’t tickle you…”
ANYA: “Thank you, babe! I love u!”
ME: “that much.”
ANYA: “Babe!!!”
I really enjoyed this time of our relationship as we felt comfortable enough with each other to become more playful. I respected the situation, but I didn’t want our relationship to always carry a serious tone. We both needed a break from the serious nature of our circumstances, and it was nice to be light hearted around each other as I believed this would be us if she removed the barrier that held back the public expression of our love for each other. I fell even more in love with her as I brought out this playful side to her I’ve come to know, and only another reason for the continued growth of my feelings for her. Life was supposed to be fun, and if you couldn’t be yourself or be playful around your best friend and lover, who could you be playful around? One the greatest compliments I ever received, without being told directly, was when Anya said she felt she could be herself without fear or judgment. Her comment told me not only did she find a goodness in our love regardless of her apprehension, but I also made he a better person. I couldn’t have been happier she felt that way about herself around me, as she should. Anya had grown into the most beautiful person on the planet in my eyes, and because of it I never wanted to know anyone else.
During our tea meeting, although I feared words from her that could break my heart in some fashion, the only time my heart broke was when she left. I commented how beautiful she looked in her red top, as her dark hair flowed artistically upon her shoulders. She then told me how Katie was becoming a real “girlfriend” now, which both warmed and scared my heart to hear as they had lunch together earlier. As she spoke, I transported myself back to the dream I had about meeting Katie, and it warmed my heart her comment “I love that dream” coincided with it, as it gave me hope maybe one day she could be a “girlfriend” enough to share the true love her mother had found in me. We kissed very deeply after our small talk, as I could still hear her soft uncontrollable moans as if we made love too. When she left, it left me in pieces as it reminded me how badly I wanted to see her every day. How I wanted to be around her beauty all the time. I couldn’t deny it broke my heart I could have her love, her heart, and most of herself, yet remained shackled by this secret; one that left me to feel like a disease instead of a cure. It broke my heart to see that possible reality yet remain patient about it. I had to be honest with myself too though, that when she left on this day, I felt more pain than I usually did as I yearned to only be viewed as the cure.
4:51 p.m.
“Thank you for driving up! I loved it as always! I miss you!”
ME: “Thanks for making time for us today, babe. I loved every second! I miss you too!”
I wanted to tell her how badly I missed her the minute she left, but I didn’t want her to worry. We were doing so good and were now pretty much back together. I didn’t want her to sense she had to pull away, but I had to find the strength to be honest with myself too. I didn’t want to lie to her about the growing depth of my feelings for her as there was no cap I could put on this. This vulnerable emotional state only continued to grow as I felt my feelings began to outgrow our contained relationship. Wasn’t one year enough time for her to get to know me and to know she loved me? I felt some time in Year Two, she had to either separate from Jackson or at the very least make me a promise to leave him. I needed to know how much she valued our love, and if she truly valued it the way she told and showed me she did. That I wasn’t in her life to only fill a void as if I supported her marriage. I felt everything she asked me to do. Everything she told me I needed to do in order for her to leave and make a promise to be together, I did at least six months ago. She left me with a real need for her, and it was more than about love, but if I continued to support this form of our relationship, she would only continue to have zero incentive to leave. If I quit her, it would be abandonment after all the tears she cried and all the times she struggled without me in her life, and I just couldn’t walk away from her as I felt responsible for the change in her life now. I witnessed the sadness each time she tried to break it off with me, and the love she knew she couldn’t live without. I didn’t know what the new year held for us, but I did know this much…I couldn’t continue living a lie.
It was the last Saturday night of my vacation but instead of going out, I decided to visit my parents instead. Anya texted me, much later than she ever did on a Saturday night, as I’m sure she wondered if I had plans to go to Sonomas again, but after she felt a little jealousy over it, I refused to ever go again without her.
9:58 p.m.
“I miss u.”
ME: “I miss u too, babe.”
ANYA: “I love u.”
ME: “I love u, too.”
ANYA: “Going to read, U?”
ME: “I’m actually at my mom’s house so probably tomorrow. What page are you on?”
ANYA: “Again? Wow! Ur a good son! I’m on 294. Gtg! Goodnight babe. I love u.”
The very second she left me on this day, I did nothing but think about her. Her very rare and late Saturday night texts were meant to be discreet, but they made me secure enough to know it bothered her I could be out since it was the last night of my vacation. I knew it surprised her when I opted to hang with my mother’s home rather a bar, but little did Anya know, she made me a better person too.
Before I left my mother’s house, I grabbed a few more Vicodin but informed her this time around. As I drove home, I realized in less than an hour, the day would be the thirtieth one of November, the same day one year ago we reconnected. And just like on her birthday, I wanted to text her a happy one-year anniversary at midnight to let her know how much it meant to me.
ME: “My Soulmate, True Love and Best Friend, thank you for the best one year period of my entire life. You have personified the word “beautiful” and “love” in every sense of those very two words every day for me since the very first day I met you in June. I sincerely love you more today than yesterday and any day before. Happy 1 year babe. I love you forever.”
After a year of extreme highs and lows, it truly was a huge milestone for us as we fought for our love every day since.
5:25 a.m.
“Ahhh! You’re the sweetest! Your text at midnight reminded me of when you wished me happy birthday at midnight! It’s been an incredible year for me too. Happy 1 year my love. I love you forever.”
A year ago, I became an entirely new person, yet it was a rebirth into the person I always knew existed as Anya renewed and restored my belief in love. Anya though experienced on some level, what I now experienced with her for the first time so even though it couldn’t represent the best one year period of her life, it truly represented the best one year period of mine. The goal in the second year though was simple, to obtain a promise from her. A promise not only I deserved but she did as well. But if she couldn’t commit to leave her marriage this year, I could at least let her know about my promotion to partner in June as the Company’s non-disclosure agreement would then extend past myself and Clyde and be known to the employees during the December Christmas party announcement. The knowledge of my promotion, and the significant raise that came with it, would undoubtedly make Anya’s decision much easier, but trust and loyalty were two words I took seriously and I owed it to Clyde and the firm to abide by the agreement even if it could save me a ton of heartache.
A promise from her would quiet my tortured mind as I missed her beyond I ever thought capable of. Her promise would confirm I was indeed a need, and not a luxury or a temporary solution. It would also confirm she believed in our love. That love, not lust, was enough to know her kids would be fine, and their future would not be affected. And more than anything, it eliminated any fear of betrayal, that all she did promise before we started, wasn’t intended to mislead me in anyway. That everything we shared was not to fill a void in her life. Even though I did feel feelings at various times, I didn’t want to believe these negative things were remotely possible. Each and every time I felt uncertainty and gloom, she hit me with the greatest love that brought her even closer to me, but as long as our relationship stayed this way and never changed, I would only lose more trust in her reasons to bring me closer. Only a promise could destroy my fears, as the reason she didn’t promise me anything was because she took it seriously, and it’s why she hadn’t done so as she wanted to make sure she didn’t let me down if she did.
There still existed some misconceptions about the way I felt about her kids we needed to clear up, as she likely thought by making a promise to be with me, was that I also wanted her to hurt them by leaving. I just wanted her to be honest with them about her marriage. That it wasn’t the rock they thought it was, but rather a turtle’s shell. I understood why she didn’t want to tell them the whole truth, and that’s not what I wanted. I just didn’t want her to lie to them anymore as all we shared over the last year became the ultimate lie, and that was a part of Anya I needed to know wasn’t true about her. That she couldn’t look her own children in the eye and tell them nothing could ever change. When we agreed to be, she convinced me to believe this was not an issue if we were to be. She even stated emphatically that divorces happened all the time. Kids were resilient, and nothing was impossible. Without those very words from her, I’m not here or there, that’s how much I trusted them, and her. If Anya believed in love, then she believed in all she told me too. If she couldn’t make a promise to me one day, then she purposely misled me, and my heart was just in no position to accept or believe she would do such a thing to me, her best friend. The man she loved.
As the thirtieth day of November fell upon us, a Sunday, I held out hope since she made time for tea yesterday that she would find a way to see me on our one year anniversary, like she did at the one year mark of the time we met in June for dinner, our first “date”. I had to also understand, Jackson had yet to confront her about anything at that time, so I had to coax my heart into understanding why I may not see her, but my mind had other ideas because we shared more since then too.
In an attempt to see how my day could possibly pan out, I texted to wish her a good morning and to see if she read the night before.
8:47 a.m.
“Good morning! No, I fell back asleep. Was tired. I’m on pg. 316.”
ME: “How r u? Do you think you can get away today at all?”
As I asked the question that carried my mood for the day with it, all I could do was hold my breath as I couldn’t believe my boldness.
ANYA: “I’m good! I don’t think I can get away this afternoon until around 2ish. Sorry. How r u?”
ME: “I’m good! Thank you! Two is perfect! I miss u.”
ANYA: “Thx! I miss u too.”
A couple of hours later, she text me again, but this time it appeared she read “Twilight” when she did.
11:51 a.m.
“Strange but Edward reminds me of you. If you were a vampire you’d be an Edward. Keep reading! At the skate park with Andrew.”
As I continued to read “Twilight”, I went back and reread Bella’s description of him. She referred to him as “dazzling”, an almost perfect physical quality to him. I then thought back to our conversation about her not knowing the details of my body as I touched the extra bone on my leg to imagine how it could turn her off. As sweet as her comparison was, she had to know I wasn’t as dazzling as Edward, not even by a long shot as I felt like a fraud.
ME: “Thank you for the compliment, babe but I’m far from perfect. He “dazzles” Bella and I don’t think I’m on that level, although I think I love like he loves. He’s beautiful to her.”
ANYA: “You’re beautiful and perfect to me. You do “dazzle” me babe! It’s the way he loves her and takes care of her. Though he wants her he would never hurt her. I love you!”
ME: “I do want to protect you and never hurt you. I love you in every way imaginable and my love for you is completely instinctual and natural.”
ANYA: “Ahhh! OK I can’t top that! Did that just roll out of your head?”
ME: “It rolled out of my heart babe…and it’s the truth.”
ANYA: “That was so beautiful babe! 1:45 p.m. ok for tea?”
ME: “That’s perfect!”
ANYA: “And remember…you promised!”
ME: “Promised what?”
ANYA: “Landyn!!!”
After I relieved her of a fear of an unexpected touch, relief filled me; I’d see her. I didn’t think the day could go any better and I hoped she knew I’d never hurt her. I meant it when I said I’d take a bullet for her if the situation called for it. I found it my duty, one I took seriously, to protect her from her any further abusive in her marriage. At the same time though, I began to essentially die a little more every day, as my life faded further away each time we were apart.
An inverse relationship existed physiologically between my heart and mind when I saw Anya jump inside my car, as my heart increased while my mind relaxed, as we headed to Cascade Park. Her hair alone put me at a loss for words as her beauty floored me once again. I had so much to tell her, things when she was apart from me, but I would forget when she was with me. As if I took a drug that rendered my mind useless, as all that really mattered was this moment with her, one I seemingly waited a lifetime for. Being with Anya felt like a dream more than reality, one that woke you up in the middle of the night so you could memorialize it, and when you woke up the next morning, couldn’t get out of your head the entire day. And the more you thought about it, and the more you found yourself submersed in reality, the more it bothered you it was only a dream. The very instant Anya appeared before me, I feared the end of my dream state when reality brought me back inside of it to seemingly die alone, when she left.
When we finally arrived at our safe haven, she came into my arms, and we kissed each other as if it was the first time. When what seemed like ten seconds, but when in reality was ten minutes passed, she pulled away and began to speak.
“I was just at the skate park with Andrew and all I could think about while I watched him was “I hope he doesn’t get hurt so I can see Landyn.”” she said.
“I’m grateful he didn’t get hurt.” I said as I kissed her lightly. “How long were you and Andrew at the skate park?”
“I was there for about an hour.” she said.
“And Andrew?” I asked.
“Oh, he’s still there.” she said.
“He’s still there?”
“Yes, babe.”
“Are you sure he’ll be okay by himself?” I asked. “I love seeing you but I didn’t want you to feel obligated to leave Andrew behind.”
“Oh, he’s fine babe.” she said.
“Are you sure?” I said. “Babe, I’d be bummed but I’d totally understand and won’t give you any grief if you needed to go back to the skate park.”
“Babe, he’s fine.” she said. “I wouldn’t have left him if I didn’t believe he would be okay.”
“Okay.” I said.
I felt bad. The last thing I wanted her to do was leave her son somewhere just to come see me. I was certain he would be fine too, but I felt responsible because it was our one year anniversary and wanted to see her. Even though it allowed me to feel safer emotionally, it came at Andrew’s expense and I felt bad Anya may have felt obligated, and that was on me. I knew today was a Sunday. I knew her kids were around and I felt I shouldn’t have pushed it. She saw me yesterday, and that was fair enough, but my emotions were at an all time need. Most of the times, I reacted in ways I didn’t expect to react as I felt they controlled me more than I controlled them. I only wanted Anya to see me when she could; when it was safe for her to do so. It did, however, bring to light one simple truth. Nothing stopped her from loving me. She always found a way to be there when it mattered the most to us even when it was most difficult, and it made me believe she would find a way to be with me one day. Find a way to make me the promise not only I deserved, but she deserved more than anyone. She deserved happiness in this life after it was raped from her over the years. A happiness essential to her being, and I felt it would bring a light to shine upon others as well. She couldn’t run away from the truth much longer. She had to meet it head on, but if she had the courage to ignore her husband when he told her he loved her, how come she lacked the courage to be honest with her kids? I felt if she had the guts to do that, she had the guts to leave as well. I didn’t understand how she could tell her husband “I’m not in love with you” with no fear but could never tell him “I’m in love with another man”. Wouldn’t her kids have hated her either way?
As we held hands and kissed, her cell phone began to ring. She then herself pulled away from me to look at it, and then crashed her lips back into mine as she put it back in her purse. Her cell phone tone then began to squirm around in her purse as she reached inside to hush it once more.
“It’s my friend from Costa Mesa.” she told me.
“Oh, okay.” I responded shocked she didn’t specify it was a “girlfriend”.
“I will call them back later.”
I nodded my head in understanding but her “friend” in Costa Mesa concerned me as the phone rang her again once more, as if in a panic mode. Maybe she was using the “friend” in Costa Mesa as a decoy so she could see me? Maybe the “friend” in Costa Mesa expected her but instead she chose to come see me? Anya created alibis when she visited so maybe this was her other option when Debbie and Carolyn weren’t available? What if it was Andrew at the skate park wondering where she was and she didn’t want to tell me? Maybe Costa Mesa was the only town she could come up with because I lived there? At any rate, these thoughts pressed me to not show her my disappointment when she left as I made an excuse to end her visit sooner than I wanted, in case it was Andrew.
She left me again with so many good memories as I wished we could go back to my place and stay in bed until the sun rose. The only reason I ever held back was because of the pain I felt when she left, and what her kids would think of her if she got pregnant. To be honest, it was an act of a higher power that I was able to hold back. Although having a child together would have bounded us forever, it also would have made our love wrong in my heart and eyes. If I had gotten Anya pregnant, I would have opened the entire world up to its hypocritical judgment of her, and I loved her too much as I dreamt of doing this the right way, or as right as something like this could have been done, and only in the name of love.
Later that Sunday afternoon, Anya sent me a text.
3:55 p.m.
“Haven’t stopped thinking about you. Enjoy ur evening love. I miss u. I love u.”
Before she left me today, I told her I planned to read “Twilight” to officially wind down on the second to final night of my vacation. And as I read comfortably in a candle lit room with hope in my heart and the memory of today in my mind, Anya sent me a text to check in.
6:22 p.m.
“Happy reading! It’s getting good! Goodnight. I love you.”
I felt sad to see her “goodnight” text come so early as I hoped to talk to her some more that evening, but instead of being depressed over it, I decided to be thankful for the best vacation I ever had as I got to see her several times during it even as her kids were home on Thanksgiving break, and I still got to see her again the next day.
On the first day of December, with the best month of my life now in the rear view, I reminisced about the night we met and sent some “presents” to Anya. After she thanked me for the texts that seemed to come her way every morning now, I asked how she was doing.
ANYA: “I’m good. Just working away. I need to c how much I can get done before I can say I can leave today. How r u?”
ME: “Ok, babe. Don’t stress out. Just let me know. I’m good.”
After I received her text, I felt deflated, hid it from her. I didn’t want her to feel obligated, as I wanted her to want to see me; consistent with her many “I miss you”’s and “I love you”’s. I also still felt awful she left her son at the skate park to make time to see me. I felt certain Anya wouldn’t have left him unless she knew he would be entirely safe, but I also didn’t want to steal moments away from her with her kids. What seemed like a chore today would be greatly cherished and missed twenty years from now. I didn’t want her to regret those times, especially to come and see me. Sure, we both hurt, and yes at times I felt insecure, but I loved her enough to understand things for the most part. It was hard to see someone I cared about live such a lie, if she didn’t have to.
Later that afternoon, as I waited by a silent phone, I initiated contact to let her know not to feel any pressure to visit me. I even followed it with a promise not to tickle her.
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ANYA: “Awww babe. That made me smile. I may have to go into Irvine to pick up paperwork around 2. I’m still working but I can swing by on my way down around 1 p.m.”
ME: “I would love to see you, but I hope you’re doing it because you really want to see me and not out of obligation.”
ANYA: “Well I love u. No joke! I’ll c u at 1ish?”
ME: “1ish!!!”
While I waited for the clock to signal one, I read through my journals and tallied all the times she visited at me over the last year. When I finished. I calculated that this day would not only be her sixty-sixth visit but also her thirty fourth visit to my apartment, with her last apartment visit just five days ago.
An hour past one, after we showed our affection for each other, she rolled to her side and faced me. After we looked at each other for a minute with thoughts unsaid, she began to speak.
“What are we?” she asked.
“I’m not a science expert, but I do believe we’re classified as homo sapiens.” I said in an effort to keep the conversation light. “Technically speaking.”
“Not technically, but literally…” she corrected. “What are we?”
“What else can we be, babe?” I said. “But in love.”
“We can’t be together.”
“Technically, we can’t but I view us as being together because of all we’ve shared.”
“You consider us…together?” she asked incredulously.
“I do. As long as we share what we just shared, I feel how could we not be together? I think it would be disrespectful to view it any other way.” I said. “I also know we can’t be together, in the technical sense of the word right now, but we’re together where it matters the most; in our hearts.”
“Thank you, babe.” she said.
“No need to thank me. I can’t help but think how tremendously hurt we both are by the situation and even though it’s not easy at all, it’s easier for me to deal with because I’m alone.” I said. “I don’t have to act like everything is great around anybody, but you do. My only dream in life is to be with you one day. To have the opportunity to make you truly happy and I believe it can happen better than you think. Things just have a funny way of working out and I believe there are forces in play for us to be together, forces we aren’t even aware of that are out of our control.”
“How do you sense this?” she asked.
“Every time, and there have been many, you’ve told me you wouldn’t be able to see me, you always found a way to. Today was no exception. It was really touching and I teared up when you told me you wanted to see me around “1ish”. You told me on Thanksgiving you wanted to see me everyday and you’ve proven it to me. You know babe, my vacation was a great one only because I got to spend time with you three out of the seven days. Every time you come visit me, whether it be at my place or to meet for tea, it gives me hope one day you’ll find a way to be with me too. I know you’ve told me you can’t promise me right now, but your actions and your words give me hope. I also hope you know how I feel about your “situation”, but I don’t want you to think I’m here in support of your marriage. It’s an abusive one, and I wouldn’t have made the choice to be in your life if I felt I’d take you away from even an okay marriage, and I’d even implore you to stay for the sake of the kids but knowing all I know through all you’ve shared with me, I don’t feel you should stay. If it hadn’t led you to me, to fall in love without even looking for it, and to share all we’ve shared, I would tell you to stay for the sake of Andrew and Katie. Mothers that do stay for the sake of the kids, at the very least, still love and respect their husbands, and aren’t in relationships with other people for over a year. I feel you’re the only mother here making a real sacrifice because you have true love, and they don’t. They aren’t really sacrificing anything.”
“I understand.” she said as she appeared before me lost in a sense of awe. “I love you so much.”
“I know you do.” I said as I kissed her forehead. “Just please consider what I just said.”
“I will, babe.” she said.
“I have to be honest about something though.” I said.
“What is it?”
“It’s something I’ve considered over my vacation.” I said. “But I have to admit I’m having a really hard time going back into work after we see each other. I can’t seem to concentrate or even focus. I don’t think I can see you any more on my lunch breaks. My job is a mental one, and if I lose it, I’m going to lose you too because there’s no way I’m going to ask you to leave if I don’t have the means to support you.”
“Okay…I understand.”
“It’s not because I don’t want to see you, it’s because I want to be with you and without this job my dream will never come true. I love you.”
“I love you too.” she said. “I love talking to you like this.”
“Like what babe?” I asked.
“I just love talking to you like this.”sShe said as her eyes disappeared into mine. “When we’re really close and our lips are barely touching. I’ve never done this before with anyone.”
“We would be like this all the time if we were together.” I said. “I imagine our nights being like this, having you in my arms, getting ready to fall asleep, whispering to each other not quite ready to let go of the night.”
“That’s exactly how we’d be.”
“I don’t think I could ever really fall asleep before you did.” I said “I’d have to make sure you were sleeping before I would feel right about it.”
Anya then leaned in to kiss me as her eyes moistened.
“Do you know you’re the sweetest man alive?”
“I’m just telling you the truth, babe. I’d want to make sure you’re sleeping well. I’d even watch you sleep because there’s peace in it for me. To know you feel safe with me. That you trust me enough to fade into darkness.”
“That makes me chuckle, babe.” she started to giggle. “You must love me!”
“Is that your chuckle?” I teased her. “because it sounds awfully like a giggle to me.”
“It just makes me laugh.” she said as she tried to stop her giggle without success.
“Well, it’s no laughing matter, Giggles! I would. I’m crazy about you. I just wouldn’t want anything to happen to you under my watch. What happens to you, happens to me too.”
“We’re one babe. That’s why you feel that way.” she stated. “I love looking at you too, but I do love my sleep.”
“So much for my ability to dazzle you!”
“No! You do babe! But your dazzle power starts to fade when I’m about to!”
“Okay, I’ll let you sleep then.” I said. “And ff you felt the same way I did anyway, neither one of us would be functional the next day!”
“It seems though you’d give more than I would, doesn’t it?” she said. “For instance, I’m good with only a wooden leg or two. I’d rather sleep than stay awake to watch you sleep, and I couldn’t take a bullet. Ouch! Is that fair?”
I leaned in to kiss her and dove into her soft weak crystal dark eyes.
“I think I should give more. A real man would.” I stated. “I’ve never felt more love from someone than from you, and they had the freedom to love me anytime they wanted to. All because you wouldn’t do certain things doesn’t mean you love me any less than I love you. I am just going with my strength and male instincts here. It’s the way I love you because that’s who I am. I’m like the male cape buffalo who stares down and the predatory lion who is looking to make a meal of me and my family. And you did tell me one time I could throw in a hook, and even if that’s off the table now, to take me with a wooden leg, let alone two of them, is pretty substantial don’t you think? If you took a bullet for me I’d never forgive you for it and I doubt there’s a woman alive who wants to watch a man snore! You have extended your love for me in ways I can’t, such as you would cook for me. You’re not giving yourself enough credit babe.”
“I would cook for you all the time if I could! Would be my pleasure!” she exclaimed/ “Watch a man “snore”? Too funny! No, I don’t want to do that!”
As she left my place on this day, an overall jovial visit, after our heartfelt and light lip to lip conversation, I regretted telling her of my inability to see her during my lunch hour, but if I lost my career, I lost her. I felt it was only a matter of time before it all caught up to me as I felt more vulnerable and less focused than ever. Without really thinking it over from her angle, I put her in a bad spot because the only time she had to see me was on my lunch hour, but at the same time, at least she could focus more on work and not feel like she was behind the eight ball like I did. I felt it benefited both of us.
After her 34th visit to my place, Anya texted me.
ANYA: “Just leaving Irvine. How r u?”
ME: “I’m ok. How r u?”
ANYA: “Missing u.”
ME: “I’m missing u too. R you feeling sad right now?”
ANYA: “Yes babe.”
ME: “I know how you feel.”
ANYA: “I’m going to be positive and not be sad. I’m thankful we saw each other.”
ME: “Me too. You looked so beautiful today. Sorry to sound like a broken record but it’s true. I don’t know what other word to use. It’s the only one that comes to mind.”
ANYA: “Oh trust me I’m good w/that! Though I still blush I love it! To think you’ve never used that word before? You’re a pro!”
ME: “I never have! It’s a natural word around you. I only sound like a “pro” because you make it an easy observation to make. Whenever I see or hear the word now I see your face.”
ANYA: “Awww thank u babe.”
ME: “You’re exceptionally beautiful, babe.”
ANYA: “Ok u have to stop now. I’m really blushing. You’re the cutest in my eyes babe.”
After a day full of love and beauty, I didn’t hear from her for the rest of the evening as my vacation came to a glorious conclusion. A year ago, I would have been ready to go back, but I knew I only returned to more heartache as I would now see her less. I dreaded the month of December because I remembered how last year I barely saw her and had to wait three weeks to see her again. I hoped Anya understood we were closer now, and it would be harder on me if she treated this holiday season like the last one. I understood her kids were the priority, they had to be, but if she treated this year like last year, without the acknowledgement we were much closer now, it would devastate me enough to pressure her. Before I went to bed, I sent her texts as I reminisced about the time we met at the movies when she handed me a pink sticky note with a heart she drew on it as I sat apart from her in the theater. In my texts, I told her what page I was on and that I used the sticky note as a bookmark for “Twilight” and she responded at five the next morning.
ANYA: “Wow! Only 122 pages left! Good 4 u! Can’t believe you still have that sticky note! On my way to the gym. Nite!”
After all we shared yesterday, I felt her response deserved more from her as it contained an obligatory feel. It even stoked the flame of fear of her possible holiday season disappearance. In a desperate need to kill this flame of fear, I texted her back to ask her if she had finished the book.
ANYA: “Nope. Pg. 465. Almost there! Happy 1st day back at work babe! Have a great day! I love you.”
I knew it was my first day back at work, but why did she give me a “send off” so early in the morning with her “Have a great day!”? The fire of fear began to grow as I felt blown off, as if yesterday never happened. All because it was my first day back didn’t mean I wouldn’t be able to check in with her. I didn’t like the way she put her busy day on me, as if my first day was the reason we wouldn’t be able to text during the day. I wanted her to tell me it was her own busy day that had her wishing me to have a great day at six thirty which she just never did.
ME: “You must have a buy day ahead of you giving me the send off at 6:30! I hope you’re okay. Have a great day too babe. I love you.”
ANYA: “Ha! “Send off”? You told me you wanted to buckle down and get busy at work. You know I respect that. Didn’t want to distract you later on your first day back.”
ME: “I just meant I was trying to buckle down when I went back to work after our lunch visits. I’m fine with our communication throughout the day. You’re never a distraction, you’re my oasis, babe.”
I didn’t want her to spin things on me, as I felt this was about her being distracted by me, and not the other way around. If she was upset by my desire to not have lunch time visits when I had to go back to work afterwards, she took it all the wrong way. It’s something I definitely didn’t want, and I had no ill feelings towards her nor did I mean to hurt her. And although I never meant it to be so nor did I do it intentionally, but wasn’t it exactly what she did to me when she claimed to be distracted by me and pulled away? She then revealed what I believed all along about her spin on being a distraction to me.
ANYA: “I do have a busy day ahead of me since I didn’t get much done yesterday. I want to get back to running so I’m going to go see someone to start my rehab. No send off babe. I’m here.”
ME: “You usually talk to me in the morning for a bit before we start our day. I felt something was wrong. I had a beautiful day with you yesterday and I didn’t know you didn’t get much done before you came to visit me. I just didn’t want you to shut down on me and wanted you to know you’re never a distraction to me if you felt that way. That’s not true at all. You couldn’t be more wrong about anything.”
ANYA: “I’m not shutting down babe. Btw 5 a.m. till noon doesn’t mean I get all those hours. I have to factor in the morning chaos of the household including Suki and getting ready for me!”
ME: “Okay, I understand. Have a great day babe.”
ANYA: “I don’t just jump out of the shower w/my hair straight and dry and make up on. I mostly keep busy w/the kids, school, work, personal and business work. Never ends.”
ME: “I understand.”
She did it in the past and passed the buck to me as being “too busy” to talk to her, and then made it seem this was something I wanted. After a night, full of heartache and doubt spurred by the upcoming holiday season, I wanted to call her out on it. The truth was, this was about her being distracted, not me. Maybe she felt bad, and didn’t want me to think she loved me less, but I didn’t look at things that way. The truth was, on this morning, it felt like she blew me off and tried to make me the culprit. I needed her to respect me enough to be honest and tell me, “I have a busy morning, Landyn. Talk to you later”, and not pin it on me, then question my love for her because she’s never had someone care so much. To put me in the same place as her shitty husband and all the other men out there she was ever attracted to. I respected she had things on her plate too, but be honest about them, and don’t make it seem like I’m the one too busy to talk to her. At times, she told me “It’s hard to believe for you’re for real.” Well, couldn’t I feel the same way about her at times? I wanted her to understand I felt the same way she did about things, but I certainly was a distraction to her, and not the other way around, so how was that my fault? She allowed and encouraged my feelings to grow for her, and I loved her. Why would she punish me whenever I embraced them? At the end of the day, I missed her and the fire of fear would only grow out of control if she did this during the holiday season and discounted how close we became.
Later that afternoon, she reached out to me.
ANYA: “Don’t mean to be a distraction but today is the 2nd. Hope ur day is going well and you’re back in full swing! I’m juggling, have a million pieces of stickies around me!”
Eighteen months, a year and a half since I first laid eyes on her had come and gone yet even with the discomfort I felt earlier, we never felt cozier with each other. When I thought it could never feel better, November came and December rolled in, a perfect storm that created the most blessed time of my life. As much as I languished over a promise, her love kept me at bay every time I felt her show it as I was relieved to hear from her as her text brought the rain needed to put out the fire of fear I felt all day.
Later that evening Anya asked if I would call her, and I did.
“Babe, I’m still shocked to hear you’ve checked me out before.” she said.
“Why does that surprise you?” I asked.
“It’s just…it’s just I’ve never seen you look at anything but my face!”
“Well, maybe you should pay attention more!” I teased. “I’m surprised that you thought I never did.”
“Well, I’m used to guys looking me up and down and comment.” she said. “That’s what I’m used to being around.”
“Well, I hate to inform you, but I’m not your husband.” I said half joking. “I’m not that way babe. Never have been. Never will be. I guess I’m tactful when I check women out. It’s probably because I’m close to my mother more than my father, although my Dad would never do that anyway. It’s just not me to look a girl up and down.”
“Just not used to it.” she said.
“I’d rather have a girl show interest in me before I show interest in them. I don’t think I’m special or anything, but I think it makes me a little mysterious. I’m not starved or desperate for their attention. I just don’t give it to them. It makes them think I don’t care, but the truth is I do. My past though won’t let me feel confident enough to believe a woman is interested in me so I sit back and most of the time, they approach me to see what my deal is. Now more than ever because I could really care less with you in my life.”
“What about women who put on weight? Would you ever say something to them? Does it bother you?”
“I mean, I wouldn’t want her to get too comfortable, take me for granted and turn into a disgusting slob, but I wouldn’t let normal weight gain bother me. I love and respect someone for who they are and if they gained 20 pounds and I didn’t care for it, I would never tell them “You look fat” or anything derogatory. I might say “I’m worried about your health” if there was a significant weight gain, but it also depends on the circumstances, like a pregnancy or injury. But if a woman gained weight in a marriage it’s probably because she made sacrifices for her family and through her pregnancy. I may hurt my back on the job and not be able to work out anymore. Would I want my significant other to judge me if I gained weight because of it? When those vows are said “through sickness and health” and “honor and cherish”, these are those times the vows referred to” I said. “So, how much weight are you planning to add during the holidays? Jabba the Hutt had a hard life, babe. He didn’t have it as easy as it seemed.”
“Jabba the Hutt? Babe! That’s not why I asked the question!”
“Just teasing you.” I said. “Please don’t get too big. At least to the point I’d have to roll you out of a coffee shop or I would have to buy a diesel truck to visit Cascade Park.”
“Babe! Stop it!”
“Alright Alright!” I said. “You know those trucks only hold a couple of tons though, right?”
“That’s it! I’m hanging up!”
“Babe, if you gained weight, I’d still check you out. How’s that?”
“Awww…babe.”
“I wouldn’t want someone who got fat out of complacency and laziness. When a couple starts taking each other for granted, I think that kills marriages and relationships too.” I said. “And who knows? Maybe, a woman gained weight because her feelings changed for me and she wanted me to let her go? That’s the only problem I might have with a weight gain. Sometimes, it doesn’t send a good message but I don’t think putting someone down for it is right either. I don’t need a woman to be a perfect physical specimen. My ex-girlfriend, the one who left me, she was a little on the heavy side, but I was really attracted to her. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and sometimes the extra weight is in all the right places. What I’ve learned is that a lot of the pretty girls are the worst people. I don’t have the time for a prima donna who relies on her looks gets her places when she’s the ugliest person on the inside. I prefer a good combination of both because if she’s ugly on the inside, she’s not as pretty as she looks. Why waste my time checking her out when I wouldn’t want anything to do with her anyway because of who she is?”
“Thanks for sharing, babe.” she said. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“I still don’t know babe.” she said. “I still don’t know.”
“I understand.” I said in complete denial of how I felt.
“I hope so.” she responded.
“I do.” I said again only to reassure her and my denial.
We laughed so much during the conversation, I forgot all about how I felt earlier, and when it ended, I couldn’t help but think how Anya married a man, who for the most part, when he checked her up and down, she found it to be a compliment. Jackson, at thirty, and Anya at only nineteen, seemed a logical summation to make that she was drawn to that kind of behavior from men as it validated her. That male behavior, especially if a woman didn’t know the man, was a mental rape and borderline harassment simply because it was usually unwanted, unprovoked and disrespectful in its nature. But would Anya know by now if I had treated her the same? Checked her up and down like a Neanderthal? Although I preferred the gentleman route, I faced the reality it yielded less results than being classless did. Anya proved women responded to it, and Jackson even got her which made me sick to my stomach to think more guys like myself were left out to feel they had nothing to offer a woman, all because they didn’t “check them out”. Even if I could get any woman I wanted, the last thing I’d do is be disrespectful.
Her question led me to believe she attempted to justify Jackson’s behavior as normal, and it weighed me down. Did she believe men generally didn’t like women who put on weight so who could blame men when they cheated? Anya thought a loyal man was unique as I believed she didn’t want to admit not only did she make a mistake by marrying Jackson, but by also staying so she justified his behavior. I’m certain she never regretted having children with him, both Katie and Andrew were exceptional, but she tried to justify his behavior as normal, and it was anything but, as my existence in her life represented the cold dark truth she didn’t want to face. Anya was not nineteen anymore, the years had changed her into a mature independent thinking woman, and my place in her life spoke loud and clear that she married the wrong man; one that held back her growth and her healing. Staying with Jackson, at this point, was an unhealthy mental decision that had long term ramifications. As much as Anya tried to treat me like the disease at times, did she also believe people should feel guilty for beating Cancer?
Later that evening, Anya sent me a text inspired by the way I set up my room with candles the last time she visited.
ANYA: “Btw I loved the candles. I light a candle everyday. When I’m home working I turn on music and light a candle. I go thru them so quickly. Goodnight again.”
I usually set them up around my room when she visited, but I placed them closer to my bed the last time she visited me. I probably lit one candle in my lifetime before I met her.
Overall, the day turned out to be much better than when it began, and the next day started off well as I asked if she found it weird when she thought I didn’t check her out.
ANYA: “Yea I thought that was strange. I mean I know you’re not like most and u love me for who I am, but I thought you’d at least check me out.”
ME: “That wouldn’t mean I couldn’t love you any less. You told me you didn’t know the details of my body yet you still loved me because you knew who I was. You’ve never checked me out yet that didn’t stop you from loving me.”
ANYA: “Well I have from the waist up cuz that’s my thing.”
ME: “Good to know! Now I know what to work on at the gym.”
ANYA: “I love u. Gtg. Kids.”
After this brief exchange, the train rolled off the tracks in my mind when I didn’t hear back from her for the remainder of the day. After all we shared, how could she still build the Caiaphas brand during the holidays? I couldn’t give her any grief, but I didn’t want her to treat us like last year at this time. My feelings had grown, we’ve shared so much, and things were vastly different than last year as I feared she would discount my role in her life. I didn’t choose to be a part of her life so she could continue to live it the same way. I wanted her to pull the plug on her “situation” as I refused to be its life support. Her marriage was a complete sham, a monstrous lie, and at times I felt punished more than the one who cheated on her several times. How could she still parade around in social circles as Mrs. Caiaphas without blinking an eye? Mothers who sacrificed their happiness for the sake of their children only sacrificed their own, not someone else’s along with it. It was no longer a lone sacrifice mothers who stayed for the kids made. Her sacrifice was much more than the others made before her. How could she allow and encourage someone’s feelings to grow for her and not be with the person after an entire year? If she was this busy with life, how could she possibly find the time to miss me and need me? At times like this, I couldn’t understand her situation when she hid behind the unknown variable, this black hole that sucked me in I couldn’t see that killed the light inside of me. How much longer could I take and not lose control of my emotions? Why did it seem she denied me my own feelings? When we were together, I felt stronger, but now when we were apart, and she did anything I perceived to be with or for Jackson, I wondered far past the stars and into the void and utter silence.
The next morning, I reached out to her in fear I wouldn’t hear from her once again throughout the day as I could feel my emotions swell inside that only positioned me to feel and to say the wrong thing.
ANYA: “Not too bad. Going to work at home after KB. Working on applying for high schools. Katie has to write essays for them. I might head out to Bloomingdale’s for a bit.”
When she mentioned she “might head out to Bloomingdale’s for a bit”, I hung on to that “might” for dear life as the only one was at the mall near my home. I suddenly felt bad for my negative thoughts as she seemed really busy with Katie, and with the safety her text provided helped me, I was able to focus on work to catch up after a week’s vacation.
Bu late afternoon, I hadn’t heard from Anya since the morning, and combined with the silence from the prior day, the negative thoughts began a landslide in my mind. We’ve become closer than ever, and I just couldn’t believe, she could disappear on me this way. As I tried to focus on my work, I eventually gave in, and decided to go downstairs to be alone in my car to think my life through. When she told me she still didn’t know, after all we shared the last month, I couldn’t help but wonder if she would ever know as I began to have a harder time understanding why she still shared a bed with Jackson; a man she told me so many horrible things about that she knew was the reason why I chose to trust her. How could she still choose to be intimate with him after all I’ve done for and shared with her? I just didn’t get it as I tolerated it only because I trusted her love for me. But I also trusted she was too much of an honest person to do anything with him after a year together. How could she still climb in bed with him after all we shared? How could she sleep next to any other man after all we shared? Why couldn’t she make an excuse to go sleep in another room? She told me she never kissed him and never returned his “I love you”’s. Why would she still then partake in the most intimate of acts with him? This must be a reason why he’d fight for her; her intimacy with him would lead him to believe she still loved him. The closer we became over the last month, the harder time I had understanding her sleeping arrangement. If she could stay and she didn’t know, then she also had no problem sharing a bed with Jackson for the rest of her life, and that killed me inside. It absolutely destroyed me when I thought of it that way, something I couldn’t deny was true. My heart desperately wanted to believe it was for the kids, but my mind waved its finger at me and shook its head. Later that afternoon, after my negativity got the best of me once again, I texted Anya to see how her day was shaping.
ANYA: “Day is going well. Yes, made it to Bloomingdale’s. Met Debbie for a glass at Arnold Palmer.”
ME: “Are you doing okay, babe?”
ANYA: “Why do you ask?”
ME: “You went for a spill with Debbie on a Thursday afternoon, and you usually don’t do that. I was just wondering if maybe you had something on your mind.”
ANYA: “I’m fine. I miss u. How’s your day going?”
ME: “I miss you too. After gratefully seeing you 4 times last week on my vacation, I’m having a hard time adjusting to not seeing you at all this week.”
ANYA: “I know babe. I’m having a hard time.”
ME: “I just want you to know I’m always here for you. Just know you’re always on my mind so you’re with me some way. If worse comes to worse, at least we have “Twilight”.”
ANYA: “Thank u. Let’s finish the book tonight. You’ll be in my thoughts. Goodnight. I miss u, I love u.”
ME: “Sounds like a plan. Have a goodnight, babe. I miss u. I love u.”
When she wished me a “goodnight” at around four in the afternoon, it crushed me but at least I could find some refuge that she would be able to read tonight which meant no parading around as Mrs. Jackson Caiaphas on this night.
Since I felt certain I wouldn’t hear from Anya, I decided to hit the gym after work. After my workout at around ten, I reached for my phone in my car’s center console, and noticed its red light flashing.
ANYA: “Really missing u to death.”
Even though I received texts from her often, I didn’t expect to see one from her, let alone read one that moved me. How could I question her reasons for bring me so close? What I read were her real feelings; something I desperately needed to see from her as it felt like she disappeared on me the past couple of days. I knew the only way this missing could be cured was for us to be together, and because I loved her more than I loved life itself, I had to see the positive in my negative emotions, otherwise she would suffer. We both would.
ME: “U took the words right out of my head, babe. I love you forever. You really are my soulmate.”
ANYA: “You’re my soulmate, babe.”
After a very hard day, her text gave me the strength to get a good night’s rest; a crucial thing I didn’t have the last couple of nights. I had to accept some facts in my life; I had done everything this woman asked me to do for her to leave, and not only did she still sleep in the same bed as her husband, she still doesn’t know. I had to find a way to do one of two things, see a psychiatrist to see if I could get on some medication rather than using my mother’s Vicodin, or I had to break up with Anya. As much as I loved her, as much as I wanted to make her happy, I could only help those who helped themselves. If she continued to make it me versus her kids, what chance did I have? If she viewed her choice of happiness would only hurt her kids instead of making her a better mother to and for them, then I only delayed the inevitable. For over a year I knew all that she still didn’t. I needed to know when the holiday parties started for her and to determine if she was going to absorb herself in them as if it was like any other year; as if I never existed in her life. After all we shared over the last year, my heart wouldn’t understand. If I was a luxury more than a need, then she needed me in her life just as bad as the seven dresses she returned months ago. I had to find out what her holiday plans were, what she planned to do, and then determine if I should let her go.
The next day brought more of the same as I didn’t hear from her at all. That morning I was on a client engagement in Palos Verdes so before I departed back to the Irvine office, I thought I would grab lunch, but before I did, I reached out to Anya to cool my burning heart.
ME: “Beautiful day but not as beautiful as you! How r u babe?”
ANYA: “You made me blush. I missed u last night.”
ME: “I missed you last night too. When does the crazy holiday parties start for you?”
ANYA: “This weekend, babe. I love u, u know.”
When I heard the holiday parties started this weekend, basically tonight, I was upset she never mentioned them to me without asking. Not even a heads up about them. When she followed it up with an “I love u, u know.” I almost responded with an, “no, I don’t”. She couldn’t just change on people she loved so much. She had to stay consistent, and not put questions in anyone’s mind. I then began to think about my first day back from vacations when I felt she “sent” me off into the day, one I wasn’t ready to be sent off into. Did I get the sendoff because she was busy planning this weekend’s set of holiday parties? Just another day of “business as usual” without acknowledgment of my place in her life, as if we never shared a thing with each other. As if the things she didn’t tell me couldn’t hurt me.
To love me this deeply, and to allow my feelings to grow so much, only to carry one with a life that consumed all of her time, I could only understand that it spoke volumes about her unhappiness. Did she really believe someone who loved her so much would want to feel all I did and only be able to have what little time she could give? Because of Lance, the man in her life before me, it felt this was almost premeditated in some way, as this had to be the real reason why Lance left her. As crazy as it sounded, I found a branch to hold onto as the flood of negative thoughts moved swiftly, to tell me this had to be fatigue and stress. That this was a whole lot of missing talking here as I usually proved wrong all my negative feelings sooner or later. As soon as I tried to hold on to the branch though, it broke away from its mother with her next text.
ANYA: “It’s going to be very tough on me. My biggest fear is that I’m going to hurt you this season with all my plans coming up.”
Her biggest fear was that her holiday plans were going to hurt me yet it was going to be very tough on her? If that truly was her biggest fear, why would she go along with them then? If this would be very tough on Anya, how tough did she think they would truly be on me?
ME: “What are the holiday plans?”
ANYA: “They are just typical holiday plans. Nothing different from previous years. I don’t want to get into it when you’re at work. I don’t want you to have a bad day for no reason.”
ME: “Well, if they’re just typical holiday plans, why do you fear they would hurt me? Why can’t you tell me? I’d like to know.”
ANYA: “Hun they r just holiday parties, client dinners, kids’ parties. One thing that is different from last year but not diff from previous years is that I’m going skiing.”
They were just holiday parties with her husband. Just client dinners with her husband. Just kids parties with the Caiaphases, oh and with a family skiing vacation thrown in. All things she no undoubtedly planned. All things that she knew would hurt me, the man she loved, without a blink of an eye, as if I didn’t exist in her life.
I needed time to process her holiday plans as they seemed to increase in scope after all we shared. How could she even make these plans as if I didn’t exist in her life at all? As if my feelings didn’t even matter? I couldn’t believe what I read. How could she throw in a ski trip as well? I remembered Jackson had shoulder surgery last year at this time, and that’s why they were unable to go, but how could she make these plans without me in mind at all? The fact she hid it from me until I asked told me they were obviously a big deal. I guess she felt she deserved a medal for her honesty, but I shouldn’t have had to ask at all if she were truly honest. Although I was greatly hurt by her plans, I decided to take a deep breath instead and process it. As my emotions flooded me, I couldn’t respond to it. I had to let my thoughts about her plans simmer on the stove as I tried to turn down the heat so I wouldn’t get stung by the grease that scalded my skin.
ANYA: “Please don’t get mad or upset. It’s that time of year and the kids love to ski.”
Her request left me to wonder how she would have felt if the roles were reversed. Yes, I was hurt, but how could she expect this to not upset me in anyway? Why not ask me to not be disappointed instead of mad or upset? Why did she make that assumption? Was it made possibly because she understood I should be? Then there was also the great sentimental wedge she always put between us; me versus the kids. As if me being “mad” or “upset” was the same as telling her I didn’t want them to go skiing.
Not only could I not respond to her texts, but I could not eat as well. The fact she would tell me she feared I would be hurt by her holiday plans, yet made them regardless without any scale back in acknowledgement of all we shared during the year, left me to feel the reason she didn’t know was because she wasn’t truly in love with me as I could no longer allow her to deny me my emotions as I feared what I could no longer hold back would end us.