“Self-realization demands very great struggle.”

~ Swami Sivananda

On Friday evening, I decided to text her a few more quotes with the hope some would resonate within her, but that Saturday morning however, I heard from her later than usual.

10:01 a.m.

“Hi baby! Thank you for the texts last night. You were up late. I miss you.”

I felt disheartened the entire day, as a simple “late” text from her did that to me now. I couldn’t blame her for it, but it made me feel like maybe her feelings weakened; not on par with my own. When I sent the quotes yesterday morning, she immediately responded, and even the prior day she did the same and was really busy both mornings. Maybe I made something out of nothing, but “something” felt different, and whenever it did, a slave to anxiety I became.

I was a little short in my response to her but wished her a good day. I didn’t want to be treated like a burden, but whenever she texted me “late”, I felt that way as the wheels spun without end about the unknown variable and what happens at home when alcohol was involved and the kids were away. Twenty minutes after my short response, she texted me to ask how I was doing, but I told her I was “good”. I didn’t want to tell her how I felt as I wanted to be missed without sympathy, and to love me without worry. More than anything though, I wanted to feel like a need, not a luxury as I felt if she didn’t need me, then she couldn’t have possibly loved me.

Later that afternoon I sent her a follow-up question about what book was on her book club plate, to hide how discouraged I was.

1:26 p.m.

““The Invisible Wall” by Harry Bernstein and “The Shack” by William P. Young. I love you.”

I felt an invisible wall of sorts was growing around Anya and I and I would soon end up living in a shack if I didn’t put an end to the negative feelings. I began to reason to go from the height of Monday evening to the hole of Saturday morning was a large enough drop to sap my spirit. I know she missed me. I know she would choose me over Jackson, but the unknown variable stole my security away at times. Later that afternoon I decided to visit Wholefoods to grab a box or two of pumpkin biscotti I’ve craved since I finished them. Thankfully they were there as I didn’t know when I’d see Anya again. I thought about texting to inform her I couldn’t find them anywhere as to inspire a visit from her, but I couldn’t pretend I cared about the pumpkin biscotti when all I wanted was to have her in my arms. Later that afternoon though, when I arrived home from Wholefoods, she ended her silence.

3:24 p.m.

“Hi!”

Whenever I received a text that just read “hi”, it unsettled me due to the past quiet texts I received from her earlier. I was desperate for something positive I could grasp on to, but in her defense, she likely felt she texted me more than she should considering her “figuring out” time she needed. Sometimes, Anya was up against an unfair adversary in my low self-esteem, but she knew I had my heart broken in the past which is why we connected. I decided to suck it up a little and think about the beauty I saw in her on Monday night. I tried to also put myself in her shoes as she had a lot going on at home, and she still tried to stay in touch with me. Even though I had the right to wonder, it wasn’t fair to punish her, but I just really missed her. More so because of the closeness we shared on Monday night.

ME: “Hi! How’s ur day going?”

ANYA: “A little busy. How r u? What r u up to?”

ME: “I went to Wholefoods. I just picked up some groceries from there. What are you working on today? I miss you.”

ANYA: “You did? Did you find the biscottis? I’m working on redecorating Katie’s room. It’s coming along, but I have to stop soon to get ready to go to my trainer’s surprise birthday party soon. I miss u too.”

ME: “I did find them. You got me hooked! I at least have enough for the next few days. Are you going to Jerry’s? He’s your personal trainer, right?”

ANYA: “Yes, Jerry’s! Ha! I thought you were going to say “no they don’t carry them”!

ME: “Believe me the thought crossed my mind! I didn’t want to lie to you, babe.”

ANYA: “Let me know when you run out. I’d be happy to pick up more biscottis for you!”

ME: “Well, you’re not going to believe it, but I just finished off the box. Looks like I am all out now.”

ANYA: “Ha ha! I guess I have to pick them up then!”

ME: “Looks like you need to make a Wholefoods run now! I love you!”

ANYA: “I love you!”

Whenever we had a fun exchange, I forgot how I felt a second earlier as much as I felt severely down. One positive exchange cured my negative thoughts more than any drug ever could. As the day turned into night, I failed once again to receive a “goodnight” text from her. As her social scene surrounded her with people that took her away from the heartache, a luxury I didn’t have, and as I felt more alone than even when I had a girlfriend in my life, I began to regress once again. To not hear from her during a night she found herself surrounded by friends, and workout partners, a time she would not hesitate in the past to pull away from the crowd to talk to me, I began to feel anxiety even about something innocuous like Katie’s room redecoration, as it seemed to speak of a bigger plan; of having no plans to leave any time soon. It seemed she made her decision if even Monday night brought her right back to the same old situation and circumstances. All the pumpkin biscottis in the world, something I began to believe was said to “pacify” me, couldn’t help me escape the torturous thoughts that filled my head on this night. All I could do was be one with the night, and embrace the darkness as I kept my heart aligned in the love I felt from her just five nights ago as I tried to not let one night of inconsistency discourage me. I reminded myself I felt the same way last weekend, and little did I know she left home because she missed me so greatly, with “The Alchemist” in tow.

The next morning, I received a text from her at a time more consistent with what I believed her feelings were for me, and she aligned herself in the belief in our love.

7:52 a.m.

“Good morning. How is the air by your place? It’s awful here. There was a fire in the hills last night.”

ME: “I’m looking out my bedroom window and it looks okay, I guess. I’m not outside though. Is it that bad where you are? Busy day for you again?”

ANYA: “Yes, it’s awful. Went for a walk and my eyes are burning. How r u? How is ur mom? Going to see my parents today. I miss you.”

When Anya asked me about my mom, I honestly didn’t know. I became so engrossed with our relationship and trying to catch up at work, I went MIA on my mother. Although I knew her recent Cancer developments were serious, her attitude remained the same to me. I knew she underwent her first round of chemo this week, but she told me she wasn’t even sick afterwards, which made me find solace within because the dosage was low as the doctors caught it in time, like they always did. I didn’t want to worry about something she didn’t seemed worried about at all as I vanished, with no real choice in the matter anymore, into the vortex of my relationship with Anya.

ME: “I miss you too. She’s fine babe. She went through her first round of chemo this week. Thanks for asking. Are you going alone to see your parents?”

ANYA: “With the kids. My dad’s birthday. What r u up to today?”

ME: “I’ll probably tidy up my apartment today, but other than that I’m just going to relax. Have a good time at your parents! Happy birthday to your dad! I love you forever!”

ANYA: “Thank u baby. U have a good day too! I love you forever!”

I decided to walk to the mall after we ended our textversation in search of the ever-elusive pair of jeans I needed but have yet to find. Instead though, I found myself in front of a window at Tiffany’s as I perused the stunning necklaces and rings. This one necklace on display hooked me enough that I nearly went inside to inquire about it, but intimidation took over so I decided to head home instead.

Later that afternoon, Anya reached out to me via text.

2:33 p.m.

“Have you been to “Diamond Jamboree” in Irvine? It’s on Jamboree and Alton. It’s like little Asia. I met my parents for lunch. Korean, Japanese, and Chinese food. I guess it’s about 2 months old.”

ME: “Oh how cool! Asian cuisine is my fave! I’ve never been before but it sounds like something I definitely need to check out. My office isn’t too far from there.”

ANYA: “I told Katie I was going to find her future “Korean husband” there! She said she’d rather not get married at all!”

ME: “Haha! How was the food? Where did you eat?”

ANYA: “It was pretty good. Like everything in Irvine, planned community. We went to “Tokyo Table”. They even have a Chinese bakery. Of course we had to check it out.”

ME: “Did Katie find a Japanese man she would consider marrying there?”

ANYA: “She said she’ll never marry an Asian man! She pointed out a chubby asian husband w/his wife and 3 kids and said “You want me to be miserable like that lady?” Btw, he was falling asleep in his chair while the asian mom was frantically trying to feed her 3 little kids. It was hilarious! Katie gave me a “yea right” look.”

ME: “He sounds dreamy! He could be Katie’s man of her dreams…literally. What did you have for lunch? Did you get anything good from the bakery?”

ANYA: “Haha! He was so asleep in his chair. Arms crossed and all! I can’t believe the poor lady didn’t kick him. I actually had the salad and vege tempura for lunch. The kids did but I didn’t have anything at the bakery.”

ME: “Arms crossed. Belly exposed. Hard to unsee that. Did you go to the Wholefoods store at all? That place has everything. It’s right there.”

ANYA: “It was not pretty. Yea, I know. That store is amazing. It’s geographically undesirable for me so I would only visit when I’m in Irvine for work. Whatcha doin?”

ME: “I’m just relaxing at home, babe. What r u up to?”

ANYA: “I have to continue w/Katie’s room. I miss u, u know.”

ME: “I miss you too.”

And back to the world without her as she absorbed herself in Katie’s room. I didn’t want to distract her, but even a fun exchange left me with negative emotions. Although I found Anya and Katie’s conversation funny, I thought if she planned to talk Katie out of marrying an Asian man, she should also add Jewish men to the list. I didn’t know much about the Korean culture, but it did seem Korean women played a more subservient role to their husbands, and maybe that should be communicated to Katie so she could understand Korean culture as much as Jewish culture, although one was race and the other religion. None of this would’ve entered my mind and bothered me if Anya made me feel secure with a promise. When she mentioned the Whole Foods store was now suddenly “geographically undesirable” for her. and she would only go if she was in Irvine for work, and not for me, just hit me hard, as this came from a person who claimed she missed me. Who I just spent such an intimate evening with her that she could have been pregnant. It almost felt like she tried to break me down as I almost responded to her “I miss u, u know” with a “do you really?” We only know that Wholefoods store because it represented another way she could see me, and now she would never go unless she was in Irvine for work, and not even in Irvine for me? It was bad enough I suffocated when I couldn’t see her now, and now she seemed just fine with this arrangement in its current state without even a hint of a promise after a beautiful night together in Laguna Beach just five days prior, when she opened up to me like never before? This was the first time I ever had a fun exchange with Anya and felt empty afterwards. How could a woman who loved me make me feel this way? During my mall visit earlier, I walked by so many fake women and questionable couples that I thought to myself “If our love isn’t real, nothing else could be”. The realization that without a promise, I would continue to struggle with these feelings. I was going to question everything she did and subsequently, even her love for me. I then wrestled with the idea of no contact with her, because the truth was I couldn’t be a good friend. I experienced too many negative emotions, so much so I felt disingenuous as I held none of the cards. If I spoke up, she would only threaten to end our relationship, but in the past, as I learned each time she tried to leave, she would have an extremely difficult time and as her pain shone through, so did my love for her. The only reason I chose to be in her life was because I wanted her pain to end. It she felt pain, it defeated the purpose as it’s the reason I came into her life, but there seemed to be an inequity, one so great it couldn’t be ignored. I lost sleep every night. I fell further behind on my work. A virus of stress plagued me on a daily basis. Distracted from everything else around me, I began to ask myself a very serious question and even find a timely answer for it; “If I didn’t have a promise from her, then what did I truly have?”. I even had to ask myself a follow-up; “Was I brave enough to find out?”.

After Monday night, after all she shared with me, and after all we shared together, I felt insulted she remained with her husband, notwithstanding all we shared and all she shared with me over the last eleven months too. I didn’t want to hear “I miss you” anymore. I wanted to be shown “I miss you”. On this day, she was with her mother. I knew her mother stayed for “the sake of the kids” but her mother never shared with another man, all of what Anya shared with me. Anya made a completely erroneous sacrifice, and the only way it made any sense to me was if she didn’t truly love me and if I simply wasn’t good enough to be with. Whether it was true or not, it’s validity lied in the way I felt. Although I believed her mother did the right thing to stay in her marriage for her kids, I couldn’t say the same for Anya because of how she handled Jackson’s dishonor of her. The one thing that drew me to Anya was her perceived honesty, but without a promise, she threatened to lose a huge part of the reason I fell in love with her. And when I remembered all the things she told me that brought me here. That all she needed was someone to be there for her. That men didn’t want a woman with her baggage. I proved her wrong enough to at least deserve a promise, something if I had, I could think a lot more positively and be a lot less distracted. The fact she denied a promise to me at this point, made me not only wonder if it would ever come but also her love, something I never thought I would ever question. And the promise didn’t have to be tomorrow, or next week or even next month. It could even be two years from now, but the fact she didn’t promise me at all, nor felt inclined to do so, made me feel she wasn’t afraid to throw our love away and it wasn’t special to her at all. These negative feelings now took on a form of their own as it made me feel the emptiest I ever felt in my life. If she truly missed me, if she truly loved me, if I truly was her best friend, then why wouldn’t she send at least a promise my way? To prove it all through actions and not words? In my mind and heart, shouldn’t love be a verb before it became a noun? Did the frog come before the tadpole?

As these negative thoughts moshed through my head and I contemplated how I would deal with all I felt, she sent me a text.

6:27 p.m.

“I miss u babe. R u writing?”

Since Monday night, I had done a considerable amount of writing in my journal. I even couldn’t continue to write our story simply because I didn’t know its destination. It didn’t mean I gave up on her, however when I thought about a promise that not only I, but we both deserved, I was discouraged it hadn’t come yet to rescue me from the negativity. I did know however, if I pressured her about it, then it would never come, so I had to give her the impression everything was fine and dandy, and even within this torrent, we were, as long as she communicated to me, but whenever I lost that, even in brief moments, it tore hope away from me, as it was all I had to get me through the day.

ME: “I did a little writing last night. I will probably write later tonight. Are you making progress on Katie’s room?”

ANYA: “Yes I am! It’s amazing how much stuff she has accumulated over the years!”

During this particular text exchange, she learned I would be in Compton on a new client engagement during the week. I not only dreaded the drive, but the area was not known for its welcoming committee, however this new client audit engagement seemed to be a good clean one. Anya then shared she would be in Irvine on Tuesday, but since I was in Compton, we would be too far apart from each other this week, which bummed me out, but it always did whenever I couldn’t see her anyway. That alone made it a week I didn’t look forward to.

ANYA: “Your week will go by quickly because you’ll be so busy.”

ME: “See, I knew you were a positive thinker!”

ANYA: “Ha! I’m not that bad!”

ME: “I’d be careful with your tone there! I know your weakness now and I won’t let you leave my car so easily next time!”

ANYA: “Haha! You had your chance!”

ME: “Next time, Beautiful. I love you!”

ANYA: “I love you baby!”

The vision of this beautiful woman as she fled my car in fear when I tried to tickle her brought a smile to my face and warm thoughts. Times like those made it incredibly difficult for me to believe in anything but the Universe’s plan for us to be together.

Before we ended our conversation, Anya thought she told me the name her book club books was “The Beautiful Wall”, but she gave me the correct name the first time around; “The Invisible Wall.”. I planned to pick up the same books so we could read them sort of together and give us more things to talk about, a way I could stay connected to her and provide us a reprieve from the serious stuff that gave rise to negative emotions. She then told me the Obama’s were on “60 Minutes” and that was the last time I heard from her. I loved how open minded she was about politics. Although we were both republican, we were both moderate, and the Obama’s seemed like good decent people and although Obama didn’t plan to carry out a capitalistic business approach to his agenda, I think even Anya realized a need to patch up some misperceptions about us with other countries after the Iraq war and our responses after “9-11”. He seemed like the right person for the job at this time to smooth things over. Although I believed he would put a band-aid on what appeared to be the greatest recession in our country’s history. Also, being a man of color, I thought it would inspire other minorities to believe they could be the President of the United States one day as well, and to help bridge some gaps between racial lines. I never followed politics and never cared for them much, but they always found a way into my life without provocation, through Sara’s “crush”, through Jackson and now through Anya. Somehow, I felt the invisible entity, one’s existence I doubted before I met Anya, must have made politics known to me for a reason. A reason I would eventually learn.

This day was a microcosm of what and how I felt now. I left our Sunday night phone conversation feeling hopeful as it seemed I forgot all the negative thoughts I carried just hours ago. I had to keep in mind with Anya, this was only a temporary madness, as I believed she loved me way too much to ever truly let me go. I had to stay positive and stay strong. Our last textversation was an example of how I implemented my plan to apply pressure without applying pressure as it gave her more reasons to miss me. If I was sad, she wouldn’t wonder, and I had to make her think “why is he okay with this?”. It also seemed Jackson and Anya were doing things with the kids separately from each other as it seemed they were setting them up for a change in their lives. I began to read her past texts and in comparison, this seemed to be more frustration from her than anything as I believed things would get interesting very soon. After Monday night and now Jackson’s hawking of her, this marriage neared its end and behind the reason why her goodnight texts ceased the last couple of nights. Or maybe it was just too hard for her to think about then send and it caused a distraction for her. I had to be encouraged that even after his confrontation, she took off for a night, and never stopped texting me, and the fact Jackson still chose to be in his marriage after that, did not make much sense to me. I knew he didn’t want to shake up the kids before the holidays, but I felt at the start of next year, this had to be addressed because the truth was, nothing would ever be the same again between them. Anya knew love existed for her outside of Jackson, and not only just love, but true love. I believed as much as it would hurt the kids initially, in the long run these kids would understand and have healthy marriages of their own, and never have to go through what Anya’s mother experienced and now what Anya herself experienced, as I believed staying for the kids in marriages with gross infidelities carried a vicious cycle, a curse like the verses in the Bible my mother read to me, that affected the next generation’s marriages. I felt this was an opportunity for Anya to choose love and to put an end to the curse, one foretold.

When the next morning arrived, I wished Anya a “good morning” just before I headed out for Compton.

8:15 a.m.

“Good morning sweets! I’m fine. You’ve been on my mind. I miss u. I slept well. How r u? Did u stay up late?”

ME: “I’m good. Just rolling into Compton in my Benzo! I should be dead by lunch. I’m kidding. I went to bed early. I miss you too. I hope you’re not missing me or I’m on your mind because you’re worried about me.”

ANYA: “Ha! Worried? Should I be?”

ME: “Of course not. I just don’t want to be on your mind because you’re worried about anything.”

ANYA: “Ur always on my mind. I just miss you that’s all.”

ME: “I know the feeling, babe. Oh well, just pulled into Compton. Have a good day. I love you forever.”

ANYA: “U too! I love you forever!”

I arrived to meet a new client in good spirits. Fortunately, I was able to arrange a meeting with after a bank referral and obtain to cover a portion of the Caiaphas account, if we were to lose his business, but it didn’t come close to covering the loss if it materialized. The client set me up in a conference room and I went to work and perused its numbers over the past few years to get an understanding of their numbers and their business. Just as I was about to step out for lunch, I sent a text to Anya to tell her how much I missed her.

11:48 a.m.

“Hi babe! I regret letting u go last Monday. It was an amazing night. How wonderful it was to love each other freely. I miss u and love u too.”

ME: “I regret not pushing back when you wanted to let me go. Monday night was the sweetest night.”

ANYA: “It was the best night!”

After our exchange, I felt inspired to work with the memory of the prior Monday evening in my heart and mind.

I didn’t hear from Anya the entire rest of the day and evening, so I texted her to see how her day went with the hope maybe she was back at our Laguna Beach hotel, but when I received her texts I learned that was far from the case.

8:21 p.m.

“Hi! It was good! I took Katie to high school info night tonight. I can’t believe she is going to HS next year! How was urs?”

ME: “My day went well. What high school is she going to?”

ANYA: “Well now she wants to go to a magnet school in a pretty bad area. Nationally recognized magnet program but I don’t know if she can get in. U need an almost perfect GPA in middle school and almost perfect test scores. She’s borderline.”

As Anya spoke of Katie’s high school plans, I couldn’t help but wonder if these were Katie’s plans or Anya’s and Jackson’s plan for Katie. I remembered when I went to school, I never had a choice of high school, always slotted to go to the nearest one I lived to, but I guess times have changed, or maybe the privileged always had these options available to them. At any rate, I felt Katie deserved to go to any high school she wanted to, I just hoped it fit her desires and needs more than the desires and needs of her parents even though they did know best.

ME: “Well, I hope she gets in. It sounds similar to a school near where I live. I’m sure she deserves it as hard as she works. I admire the work ethic you’ve instilled in her because I don’t know if having a Korean husband to take care of Katie is the right path. They tend to gain weight and fall asleep in public.”

ANYA: “Yea I know. I think it’s Mater Dei in the heart of Santa Ana! Ur sooo funny about the Korean hubby! I miss u babe.”

ME: “I miss u too.”

When I never heard from her until I texted her late, I couldn’t deny it crushed me inside. Was I really that much of a distraction to her? Over the last two days I struggled like never before as she even ceased to wish me a “good night”. I just didn’t understand how she could think our love was suddenly a bad thing after so many beautiful moments together, even after a pregnancy scare. After all the things she told me about Jackson, yet here I laid in a hole, a dark abyss that was beginning to close around me each time she went silent, as she threw another pile of dirt on top of me while I gasped for air, the air a promise would give me. A shroud of doubt engulfed me, even as I found it unfair of me to do so after all we shared. The further I removed myself from Monday night however, and the more days that went by, the more these negative feelings would grow to eventually steamroll over me. As I tried to ignore the loudness of her silence this afternoon, I received a glimmer of solace.

9:24 p.m.

The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

“Surprise! I’m going to say goodnight! I love you “to the moon and back”!”

Her sweet text brought a huge smile to my face as it saved me just that, along with another night of wheel spinning, inner turmoil and despair. Her “goodnight” texts now meant more to me than I could ever let her know because I didn’t want her to send them out of obligation, or a chore, but rather as an act of love and an extension of her missing me. I wanted her love to be genuine and a “good night” text, as simple as it was, made me feel that way especially on those nights she crawled in bed with another man, a battle my mind and heart waged war on.

The following morning, she sent me a text that tested my inner resolve.

9:22 a.m.

“Good morning! I’m sure you’re busy w/work. Have a nice day! Xoxo!”

This particular text left me a little perplexed. Maybe she was disheartened I didn’t text her “good morning”, or was she too busy and this was her way of passing the lack of a “good morning” buck onto me? I missed her constantly. I looked forward to every text she ever sent me. I only let her initiate the texts because I feared to be a distraction. And if I let her initiate them, how could she blame me for being one? I wanted to be the first to wish her a good morning and a good night, but I needed to know if she truly missed me and if I was on her mind. She always wished me a good morning so whenever I didn’t receive a good morning or a good night text, I felt it was because of the distraction element. As much as I wanted it to change, this was her show to run and unfortunately, she tied my hands behind my back.

ME: “Good morning! How’s your ankle, babe? Were you able to run this morning?”

ANYA: “Unfortunately still walking. Boo hoo…I’ve been working on strengthening my ankle but slow to recover. U know that old age thing! Have to start training for HB.”

ME: “Sorry to hear that babe. Do you have a busy day today? What’s HB? I miss u babe.”

ANYA: “Yes I am. HB – Huntington Beach Half Marathon. How’s Compton going? I miss u too.”

ME: “Compton is going well! I have a team here today and I’m delegating.”

I kept our exchange open ended to see who truly was the “busy” one as Anya, at times, would try to manipulate the situation with a little misdirection. But what if she was hurt I didn’t say “good morning” to her? My low self-esteem, at times was unfair to her, but about a half hour later, she texted me back, and I had my answer…sort of.

10:31 a.m.

“Sorry got home and had to give Suki a bath cuz she was beyond dirty! I’m glad you have a team there now! I love you forever!”

After I received her text I surmised she was the true “busy” one as she seemed to have a usual full day ahead of her. She was always on my mind and any text exchange I had with her, regardless of its direction, helped me cope especially during a week I would be unable to see her as Monday night, along with our tea escape, still stayed fresh in my mind.

Later that afternoon, why I plowed away on assignment in Compton, Anya sent me a text from the mall near my apartment.

2:49 p.m.

“Hey guess where I am? I was on my way home when Carolyn called me to meet her at Charlie Palmer! We’re having french fries and wine! How r u?”

ME: “Hey what are you doing there while I’m in Compton? What is wrong with that picture! Glad you’re having some free time with Carolyn. Please tell her I said hello. What kind of wine are you having? I’m doing good.”

ANYA: “We had white. I miss you so much. C said hello.”

ME: “I miss you very much too. I wish I wasn’t out in Compton so I could see you.”

ANYA: “I love you babe.”

ME: “I love you too.”

How could she suddenly at the drop of a hat, and with no scheduling needed, fit Carolyn in for an afternoon spill near my place, when she knew I was in Compton? It’s not like I didn’t want her not to do those sort of things, but at certain times, not all the time, that if she truly missed me as much as she said she did, wouldn’t she find a way to be close to me? It’s the Anya I suddenly missed as I realized, for some reason, I didn’t have that Anya anymore, I suddenly had an Anya full of fear and dread, even after our most beautiful moment together. The more I pretended not to be hurt by it, the more it ripped me apart. But I refused to let her know how I felt because I carried fear and dread that fatigue and stress were the real culprits, and not the reality of our situation. Maybe she went there to feel close to me, and did I really want her to brave Compton? A place not known for its safety record? The more I dwelled on things, the more it became apparent, I didn’t know the right way to feel as I lost trust in myself too.

As the day dragged on since Anya communicated her whereabouts, my two-staff team caught themselves in an interesting conversation as I received some unintentional static feedback. Apparently one of the staff members knew someone in a similar situation I found myself in. I couldn’t help but laugh as they talked about it without a clue of how it hit so close to home. Although I wasn’t proud of how my relationship with Anya had morphed into one of dishonesty I was not ashamed of it any way, simply because I saw the righteousness and good in it, everything I felt the Universe stood for. I wanted to put in my two cents but didn’t want them to wonder how I knew so much about such a taboo topic. It went to show me though, beyond what I believed before I met Anya, these situations were more prevalent and common than people realized. Then, as if he knew I was dating a married woman, one of my staff members on the Compton engagement said something that struck home.

“Does he really think she is going to leave him for his one bedroom apartment?” he wondered aloud.

When I heard this, my heart dropped into my bowels, as it mirrored my own situation which in returned my thoughts back on the potter’s wheel, to be further molded by the hands of hopelessness. My staff member’s words stuck with me from that later afternoon into the early evening as it made me sick that Anya may have felt that way about me after all we shared. That even Carolyn and Debbie may have even pointed it out to her. When Flora moved out of her beautiful home of ten years, Anya told me “it didn’t matter where you lived as long as you were happy”. I trusted those words with my life, but for the possibility to exist that my apartment didn’t measure up to Jackson’s estates home, caused me to throw up when I got home. Not because it fell under judgment, and it should be considered, however she knew about the size of my place from day one. My one bedroom apartment never bothered her each time she asked to visit me, so how could it come under scrutiny? Did she think we’d live here if she left? I understood my one bedroom apartment was a downgrade from her estates home, but how could that be a problem when she knew that from the very beginning? The more I thought about it as a possibility, something she probably would never tell me if it were true because she “loved” me, the more inclined I would be to pressure her for a promise. This was an example of one of the many things that would lead to my struggle, and how hard it was not to pressure her. But it made sense when I wondered why I hadn’t received a promise.

Later that evening, as I immersed myself in the greatest of self doubt, Anya set me a text to see what I was up to. When I told her I was just relaxing, she hit me with a pop culture query.

7:13 p.m.

“Have you heard of the book “Twilight”? People, esp young adults are crazy about the series. How’s ur back?”

ME: “Back is still sore, walking a little crooked but I’m not close to climbing a bell tower just yet. Never heard of the book ‘Twilight”. What is it about?”

ANYA: “I’m sorry about your back babe. I wish I could rub it for you. I’m going to start reading the “Twilight” series soon. It’s a craze right now. It’s fiction. Vampire love story.”

ME: “How many books are in the series? Who is the author?”

ANYA: “There are 4 books so far, and the first one is called “Twilight” by Stephanie Meyer.”

ME: “It sounds similar to “The Historian”. I read that not too long ago. Have you read it?”

ANYA: “No I haven’t. Fiction?”

ME: “More like historical fiction. It’s about the origin of Dracula. It’s pretty interesting.”

ANYA: “Oh I c! I’ll add it to my list! I miss u baby.”

ME: “I miss you so much it’s not even funny, literally. It’s not funny. I love you.”

ANYA: “I love you too. Maybe we can c each other when you go on vacation?”

ME: “I would love to see you.”

ANYA: “K!”

ME: “!!!”

I left our textversation with mixed feelings, until five minutes later when I received an uninitiated sentiment.

8:02 p.m.

“I love you forever!”

Her “I love you forever” stopped the world from spinning out of control in my head, as it put me back on track, like a needle on a record. If her lack of a promise was all about her lifestyle and image, why did she feel compelled to run away from home? What about the time she got inside her car and almost drove off until her son came out of the house? It amazed me how a single sweet text calmed the monster waves and dissolved the perfect storm clouds from my sky in an instant. She even texted me on this night as she made dinner, something she hadn’t done in a while as I felt less like the disease but the cure again.

The new client engagement, and its associated stress, caused the week to be a maddening one for me which exacerbated then pronounced my negative feelings about the direction of our relationship, more notably, a lack of a promise. I also believed the issue with her kids was not all doom and gloom; that there was a lot of room and bloom…or something like that. I had grown to love Anya’s kids, and I felt over time they would come to appreciate me too. In Anya’s specific situation, I didn’t understand a mother’s sacrifice. I her apparent insistence of martyrdom was unnecessary and ill advised, especially by friends who struggled as well. Anya and I found something special in each other, too special to even consider martyrdom with knowledge of the reason why we came into existence. To look for Katie and Andrew’s approval seemed like something a best friend would seek, and not a parent. Anya was a great mother and I knew how much she loved her kids, but she had an obligation to teach them things they couldn’t learn from textbooks, that material things did not lead to happiness, Approval and permission were not things parents should require from their children as I felt, if their kids didn’t hate their parents in some way, their parenting techniques should warrant questioning. I knew she was well off. I knew it the first night I met her, but a sense of entitlement I didn’t believe she exercised nor instilled in her children, however I felt Andrew and Katie did feel it in some way because of Jackson, as he tried to cover up for his past mistakes and the time his political and business aspirations took him away from them.

The question popped into my mind as time passed that by Anya leaving Jackson for me, did I also want the kids to hate their father? Absolutely not, as I also definitely didn’t want them to learn of his indiscretions. I did want Anya however, to let her children simply know that there were things that happened in the past between them that she could not get past, stressing the word “respect” or a lack thereof. If our relationship proved anything, it proved she did not truly love Jackson because no one could truly love someone and then share with someone else all we did. I trusted Anya’s disdain for Jackson, and I even bet the house on it. I felt she owed this to me after all we shared and experienced over the last eleven months, twelve days removed from a year. If Anya went through such great lengths, as she even hid some things about her life from me that most certainly scared off Lance the romantic singer, then how could she not explain it to her kids that way? I only aimed to complement Jackson as their father, not take his place. I only looked to supplant him as Anya’s husband. I wouldn’t have wanted another man to supplant my my own father, but if he disrespected my mother, the way Jackson had, I’d honor the choices my mother made for her happiness. Did Anya’s children not respect her enough to honor her wishes in life? Were they that spoiled by Jackson to the extent she couldn’t find support in her own decisions for the betterment of her well being, self worth and happiness? They were kids, too young to know, too ignorant to understand, and I felt Anya could take advantage and solace in that. As much as I despised Jackson as Anya’s husband, I also knew I couldn’t, nor would I ever, throw him under the bus to his kids. It wouldn’t be right as it wasn’t my place, but I strongly believed there was a good way to present a divorce to them without destroying the image of his trustworthiness.

The previous evening before I went to bed, I read that the group Air Supply hailed from Australia. With this interesting but useless knowledge in tow, I decided to pass it on to Anya.

8:00 a.m.

“I didn’t know that about Air Supply! U’d think they were from here! I’m going to start “Twilight” this weekend. The movie comes out on Friday.”

It seemed Anya made a decision not to wish me a “good morning” anymore and it bummed me out she stopped doing something I not only got used to but looked forward to that helped my day get off to a great start. Of course, she didn’t have to if she didn’t want to, but it hit me in the gut a little bit. She then sent me a text, one about her daughter, and the excitement she felt, that made me further not understand why she stopped texting me “good morning”.

8:39 a.m.

“Guess what? Katie might have a good chance at getting in the ghetto magnet school! The highest passing score is 700 and the cutoff is 650. She has 670.”

Anya always made me feel special whenever she shared the lives of her children, and it truly was an honor every time she did. I began to struggle with a fact that became truer each time she did though. Why she shared so much about the lives on her kids with me, inviting me to Katie’s recital, if she still didn’t know and couldn’t even make me a promise to leave? Did she realize not only did I love her deeply, but I loved her kids too? Didn’t she think I’d want to be a part of their lives one day if she shared so much about them with me? If Lance, the romantic singer, left her because she had kids, and I told her they were a bonus plan to me, did she not trust me? Have I ever been dishonest with her in a way that served myself? Why bring me so close to them too? Every time she shared something about their lives with me, I wanted to be part of their lives that much more. I wasn’t even close to Lance in regards to viewing them as baggage so why the indecision? By sharing this information, was Anya in essence trying to tell me that if she left Jackson, their grades would plummet and she would be responsible for their failure? How was Jackson’s emotional and verbal abusive ways not to blame for the way Anya felt about her marriage? Were her kids that weak? Did she place them in a bubble to shield them from an imperfect world? How would they handle adversity in their own lives, something they would be sure to experience in life, if they were completely sheltered from it? I didn’t want to discourage Anya from sharing the lives of both Katie and Andrew with me. It was simply the greatest honor a woman could ever bestow upon me, to trust me that much, even more than their own father, but it simply hurt me now because I felt she believed if I were a part of their lives, it would destroy theirs. And that was hard to understand after all Anya and I shared over the last eleven months.

As I struggled with her acceptance of me in their lives, she continued to share with me.

8:41 a.m.

“I’m sooo relieved! They turned down 900 freshmen applicants last year. They only take the top 170 freshmen so she’s still not out of the woods but a chance.”

After I read “I’m sooo relieved!” this couldn’t have been Katie’s decision to go to the ghetto magnet school. This only led me to wonder if Katie couldn’t gain permission from her parents to choose the high school she wanted to go to, how come Anya needed their permission to leave her husband? Why would she feel “sooo relieved” if this was a decision made by her daughter? Or maybe it was Jackson who pushed Katie to go to the magnet school? If it was what Katie truly wanted, and I would push her to go there as well, what about her well- being? To me, it seemed Katie was thirteen years old going on thirty. I always believed a woman should be self sufficient and not reliant on a man for income, and maybe this was why Anya pushed for this as she didn’t want Katie to be controlled in her marriage, like she was. I admired that, but thirteen years was such a fragile age, and the push for perfect grades made me worry for her; strive for excellence, not perfection. I worked with some of the smartest kids in the accounting profession. Most had perfect grades, went to the best universities and high schools, and even graduated with honors. A year later, these same kids returned home, unemployed and were living with their parents. All parents wanted the best for their kids, but an employer in the real world couldn’t care less about a perfect junior high or high school G.P.A. Those things could land you a good paying entry level job out of college, but I didn’t believe it equated to career success or a life of fulfilment. I felt Anya and Jackson had both Katie and Andrews’ best interests in their hearts, but I just hoped they didn’t heap too much stress upon a thirteen year old and allowed her to be a kid too. She had the rest of her life to be an adult and be stressed, but she was a kid for a short period of time in her life, and yes it was ideal for her to get good grades and to get a good head start in life, but not at the cost of overburdening her with worries adults should have. Katie had the entire rest of her adult life to stress out.

ME: “900 applicants were turned down? That’s insane. Does this year count for her?”

ANYA: “Unfortunately no. Total GPA and test score for the 6th and 7th grade. Just like college, this year doesn’t count b/c they won’t have results b4 application acceptance.”

ME: “Do you know what was the lowest score they accepted last year to the program?”

ANYA: “They said the lowest scored student they accepted last year was 655. So, she has a small to good chance.”

ME: “I like her chances, babe. I think she’s going to get in.”

ANYA: “I hope so. How r u?”

ME: “I’m ok. How r u?”

ANYA: “Just ok? Still clearing out Katie’s room. Office work, study and hair appt. Busy day?”

I didn’t know what part of her response bothered me, so I’ll make it simple and just say the whole thing did. The sad part about it was, Anya really didn’t do anything she thought was wrong, but to this sensitive heart of mine, it seemed to discard my existence. She gave no effort consistent with the way she claimed to miss me, as it seemed she resigned to remain on the fence, and inclined to not figure anything out, like a person who borrowed more money than they could ever afford to pay back. It seemed she left her home on Monday night just to catch nothing more than a breather, and not to make me a promise to leave. I felt the walls closed in on me as another long stressful day awaited me at work on a new engagement. As much as she shared with me about their lives, I was nothing but a bad thing if I were in the lives of Katie and Andrew. A bad person for them to know even though she loved me. My “one bedroom apartment” not good enough for her or them, just good enough to kill some time in, like a floating lily pad that a current eventually returned to the mud. My mind now stuck orbiting a sun that only gave life to my negative emotions as I neared implosion for the first time, and truly losing her for good, but if I didn’t say something, I would continue to wither away in this doubt.

ME: “Well, I miss you. My days are always just going to be ok. You’re torn. I know. Pretty busy day for me today.”

Anya then did something she never did before; she didn’t respond to my text, and when she did, three hours elapsed.

12:07 p.m.

“R u mad at me baby?”

Her text left me disheartened and discouraged, and a little mad with her because of how she brought me so close to her without a promise. After all we shared, how could she ever go back to her marriage with that on her conscience? Did she have one? Because I always believed she did; she would do the right thing. Instead, I felt she viewed me only as a threat who would potentially ruin the lives of her children, and if she felt that way, even in the slightest sense, how could she truly love me? She shared their entire lives with me so how could she expect me to never want to be a part of their lives? If I didn’t get it after our beautiful morning together, I certainly didn’t understand after a beautiful November Monday night in which we easily could have been parents to a child of our own creation. This wasn’t about selling her out to anyone. I just didn’t understand how she could not at least promise me to leave after she had shared so much already. It seemed like she felt I didn’t have grounds to feel the way I did, and if she believed how I could feel this way, then how could she in return expect me to understand staying for the sake of her kids?

I could respond the only way I’ve grown to know how.

ME: “Not at all, babe. I love you.”

Since it felt like I didn’t have a right to feel the way I did. I instead found it best to try to figure out what I felt before I could tell her, “Yes, I’m mad”. I was confused and frustrated by this more than anything as I held out hope she would bring me some clarity, but after I sent my text, she never responded back, not even to say “I love you, too”. When I didn’t receive her response, it brought out all I felt inside since I started to struggle.

ME: “I struggle just like u struggle. I just don’t get it sometimes and I get caught between compassion and disbelief. I also think very positively as well. It’s a struggle for me to understand, but I do for the most part. I don’t want to make you sad or give you any grief. It’s not the fact I’m in your life that I feel the way I do; it’s the reason I’m in your life. That’s what I grapple with. But every time I get frustrated I only find out I’m upset for nothing. That I misread things and they aren’t what I thought they were. Plus, I hate tension between us as much as u do. I don’t like getting mad b/c I always feel bad afterwards plus it’s always just frustration anyway. There’s too much love between us. I am just hoping and praying that u see this as not me vs. The kids but You vs. him, You vs. your marriage to a mentally abusive husband. That’s what it really is. I think the stress of my job intensifies the missing too b/c when I’m w/u these feelings don’t exist, like I’m on the best drug. Nothing matters and life is perfect. Not all love stories are fiction babe.”

When she didn’t respond to my text, I couldn’t hold back the pain any longer, as it became too much on my heart. I tried to be noble, and let it roll off me like shower water, but I was a sponge now. I wanted to be honest with her about the way I felt, as it wasn’t fair to leave her in the dark too. Anya could not have it both ways. She couldn’t share every detail of the lives of her children with me, to care for them too, and then pit them against me if she truly loved me, as it would only leave me to search for the reasons, without directly asking, she couldn’t make a promise to leave her marriage.

ANYA: “I understand.”

This woman who loved me so much, who missed me so badly, could only muster two words in response? Maybe she was busy and these emotions of mine came at a bad time for her? I hope they didn’t, but at the same time if I couldn’t address them now, when could I? Her kids were at school and would be home later. I had to deal with negative emotions as I managed a team on a new engagement and now, I was surrounded by looks of concern on their faces as they knew something wasn’t right with their boss. Anya and I were both in this together, and as much as this was about Anya’s happiness, wasn’t I entitled to happiness as well and the same peace of mind? When I didn’t hear back from her for a couple of hours I reached out via text.

ME: “I hope you’re not mad at me babe. Just wanted to be honest about my feelings, that’s all.”

ANYA: “Not mad. No thoughts to talk about.”

ME: “If I texted anything that bothered you babe, I’m sorry. You can disagree with me. I love u, u know.”

ANYA: “I know, I love you too.”

ME: “You’re the only one who has ever truly loved me.”

ANYA: “I truly do.”

The last two hours of this workday carried the weight of ten as my mind filled with torturous thoughts. Although she considered us “apart”, nothing truly changed about our relationship, as we did the same things we did when we were together. Anya could call it what she wanted to, but the truth was we became closer when apart. Anya, for the sake of her kids, put herself in a complete state of denial about her own self, and I loved her way too much not to fight for her to get back in touch with her true self and the reality of her situation. Although I believed she had to face the folks, I wanted her to on her own time table, but it hurt she couldn’t meet me halfway. I may have texted her something wrong, but at the same time, it needed to be addressed, and not pretend it didn’t exist, like her denial of the true state of our relationship. How could she come all this way and let a lie about her life stop her?

When my day in Compton mercifully ended, and it had nothing to do with the location of my body but rather the location of my mind, I sent Anya a text to see what she was up to.

5:38 p.m.

“Just having a spill w/C&D.”

ME: “Are you at the mall by my place, again?”

ANYA: “No just a local restaurant. I have a book club holiday gathering at 7:30 tonite. They all love “Twilight” forbidden love. Leads me to think they live vicariously.”

ME: “I hope you’re having a nice time. Does the girl in the story know she’s in love with a vampire though?”

ANYA: “Yes she does know he’s a vampire. She loves him regardless.”

ME: “Is this a different book club and you guys are reading “Twilight” now?”

ANYA: “Same one babe. We always get together for a gift exchange. “Twilight” was not a book club book but they all have read it b/c of their teen daughters.”

ME: “Oh I see. Did you start reading the book yet?”

ANYA: “I’m going to start tonight.”

ME: “Ok. Well, I just wanted to check in. Have a nice dinner and if I don’t hear from you have a goodnight. I love you.”

ANYA: “I love you too. I’m sorry for shutting down today. It wasn’t the best day of communication for us was it?”

ME: “There’s a lot of emotions we’re dealing with here. Did I say anything in particular that made you shut down?”

ANYA: “I really don’t want to get into it if u don’t mind. I want to rest my mind.”

ME: “Sure babe. Again, I’m sorry for anything I said that unsettled you. That wasn’t my intention. I just wanted to be honest about what I felt at the moment.”

ANYA: “I’m sorry too.”

I felt bad for Anya, that what I said compelled her to shut down. How would she have felt if after all we shared, under the same set of circumstances, I turned around to her one day out of the blue and said “You know what, you’re distracting me. I need time to figure things out and clear my head.” Did she understand how much that could hurt someone after all she allowed and encouraged me to share with her? Wouldn’t that make her question my love for her on some level? Wouldn’t she think I just requested time from her to figure out if I truly loved her? Wouldn’t that put doubt in her mind at all? Was it my one bedroom apartment versus the twenty-eight-foot island in her kitchen? Was loving me a bad thing? Were we a bad thing in her eyes? How could I be the disease and her husband be the cure after all she shared with me about him? This was how I felt these days and why I broke down. I wanted to respect her wishes, but the last thing I expected was a shut down, because to me that showed a lack of understanding, not an understanding like she claimed. As I sat on my bed and stared off into a mundane ceiling, she sent me a surprise text.

9:46 p.m.

“R u there?”

ME: “I’m here, babe. R u ok?”

ANYA: “I’m ok. Just leaving home to read. I hope your back is better. Goodnight.”

ME: “Thank you. Drive safe. Goodnight. I love you.”

ANYA: “I love you.”

The next morning, still upset with myself I may have upset her with my text from the prior day, I messaged her to ask if she got anything from the book club holiday party and if she started to read “Twilight”.

8:29 a.m.

“Good morning. I only got to pg. 12, was tired. I got a pack of panties. It’s the same brand I wear so I was happy. Stepping into KB.”

When I didn’t see an exclamation point complement her “good morning” nor a corresponding “I miss u.”, I felt I had to beg the question as I felt second to kickboxing.

ME: “How r u? R u sure you’re not mad at me?”

I didn’t mind finishing second to her kids, but not to her KB class as she disappeared on me as if she never missed me for a second of her day. I loved to work out, as it positively affected my mood, but I’d never let a workout stop me from talking to someone I missed constantly, which led me to believe she was still unsettled with what I texted to her. Almost two hours after I sent my text, Anya responded.

10:17 a.m.

“I’m fine thanks. Pretty busy. I’m not mad at u. Just don’t know what to do. Easier for me to shut down sometimes than to hurt. I miss u.”

ME: “I’m sorry. Seems like I can’t get a good read on how you’re feeling so I have to ask. I miss u too. I love you.”

ANYA: “I think we just need to feel each other. It’s like we’re lost without the closeness. I love you too.”

The time spent apart after Monday brought us so close it made the subsequent days more difficult to endure, as I wondered more than ever what kept her from extending me a promise. Before we parted each other’s digital company, she informed me she preferred to read “Twilight” than to study the nursing process, which inspired me to go out and buy the book so we could read it together. Later that afternoon I texted Anya to see how her day went.

3:29 p.m.

“Well, I didn’t get much done. Had a Dr.’s appt. then started reading again. Want to finish before the movie comes out tomorrow. Katie wants to see it.”

ME: “Sounds like your day wasn’t too busy! That’s good!”

ANYA: “Started off busy but went south. Oh well. How’s urs? R u better today?”

ME: “Day went well. Much better today thank you.”

ANYA: “Maybe we can have tea on Saturday?”

ME: “Would love to have tea on Saturday. I’d like to apologize to you in person rather than through text. I didn’t mean to put you into shut down mode.”

ANYA: “Was it triggered by something I said? I was happy and u were the first friend I told about Katie’s scores. I feel like I got blasted for sharing with you.”

Finally, Anya began to confess what bothered her, but to refer to it as a “blasting” I felt was an unfair depiction. Would she have rather I hid that from her? Could she understand how it made me feel to share the lives of her kids with me as if she wanted me to be a part of their lives, yet be too afraid toward making that a reality? I know she didn’t want them to hate me too, and I tied to look at it in that mindset too, but at the same time, I felt that would be her job to make sure they didn’t hate me. To build me up and support me in front of them, and if she couldn’t do that, then could she truly love me? She then further elaborated on the reasons why I “blasted” her for sharing.

3:29 p.m.

“Maybe cuz I said I was working on Katie’s room and it sounded like “business as usual”? I can’t stop their world.”

ME: “I think it did. Not that I want you to be unhappy but when you share a part of Katie’s or Andrew’s life with me, it makes me want to be a part of it. I’m sorry that it felt like a blasting. I just wanted to communicate to you how I was feeling b/c you asked me if I was mad. I understand and I would never ask of u or want u to stop their world. I know it’s not easy for you, babe. Hard on both of us.”

ANYA: “I miss you so much. It’s not easy for me either. I’m sorry. I didn’t know how you felt. I will stop. It’s just that they r my being and I want to share the good and the bad w/my best friend.”

Anya realized how I felt, but did she really when her only remedy was to stop sharing their lives with me rather than find a way to make me a part of it? It amazed me how easily, and conveniently, she seemed to forget she told me the only reason she was still there was because she feared no man would want to be with her due to them. I have done nothing but prove over the last eleven months I was everything Lance, the romantic singer, wasn’t, in regards to her kids. So, why would leave me out in limbo instead of trying to find a way to make me a part of their lives after sharing the good and bad with her best friend? Wasn’t the only thing keeping her there was because no one would want to be with her because she had kids? Now that I proved that to be entirely untrue, the solution now was to stop sharing their lives with me? To punish me instead of rewarding me? The more I thought about her remedy, the more I bled inside.

ME: “It makes me sad you would stop sharing their lives with me. I didn’t always feel this way, you know. For that alone, I want you to share their lives with me. I really want to know but babe it hurts me now.”

ANYA: “Idk what to do anymore. Idk. I don’t want you to hurt anymore.”

ME: “Do you feel our relationship is about me versus your kids?”

ANYA: “Explain please.”

ME: “Is it a bad thing for your kids to know me? Am I a bad thing for your kids?”

ANYA: “No way! Not at all! They’d probably think you were the cause. Only if they knew what kind of man you are, they’d fall in love.”

ME: “They probably wouldn’t like me at first, I understand that, but I think over time they would really end up liking me.”

ANYA: “I believe that.”

ME: “Of course, you couldn’t introduce me right away. It would have to be done slowly.”

ANYA: “I know. Baby steps, babe. I’m guarded.”

ME: “Baby steps for sure, babe. I understand.”

ANYA: “I can’t even pretend to fully understand what you’re going through. I’m in love w/u and I know how hard it is for me. I’m sure u have your own version of hell. Sorry.”

I felt for Anya to not know how hard it has been for me was a testament to my nobility up to this point. I really only had a few hiccups over the last eleven months, and although I didn’t open up to her completely about how hard this truly was on me, I felt over time and with a promise, they would all be moot points, and not worth mentioning anyway. I just didn’t know if her version of hell was similar to mine.

ANYA: “Just think about a year ago about this time you were on your vacation break minding your own business and content with life. I came into your life and flipped it upside down!”

ME: “Our hell may be different in shape but it has the same color and feel.”

ANYA: “Yup I agree. Well put.”

ME: “You know, it’s been pretty good too, babe. Much more good than bad.”

ANYA: “Ok well you walked into a quicksand!”

ME: “I think you’re right. I think we need to feel our closeness again. I miss your lips against mine. I miss everything about you.”

ANYA: “I miss your kiss too. I miss hanging in your bed with you. I miss you pulling me back to you when I try to leave. I miss laughing with you.”

ME: “It’s crazy how the simplest pleasures in life matters the most to us.”

ANYA: “I love you my best friend.”

ME: “I love you too, my best friend. We’re one.”

ANYA: “I believe we are babe. I love you forever. I have to get up at 3:30 so I’m going to bed early. Carolyn wants to walk at 4 cuz she has to get into work early. So here is my goodnight. I’m glad u had a better day. I’m glad we are talking. I’m glad we have each other. I love you forever.”

ME: “Very sweet goodnight. Thank you for that. I love you forever too. Sweet dreams.”

After a heart filled discussion about her kids, I felt better and more informed about where her feelings were. Although I struggled to understand why she would be so guarded after she shares so much with me, her “best friend”, I also understood what she meant by it as it seemed to support my concerns for them. It was just nice to see her reactions was a “No way! Not at all!” when I asked if she thought I was a bad thing for her kids as I opted to trust her emphatic reaction to my question, rather than listen to a burdened heart and mind.