“When love is not madness, it is not love.”

~ Calderon de la Barca

The following morning, Anya true to her form as she did every morning when she got the chance to do so, sent me a text.

8:07 a.m.

“Good morning! How r u feeling this morning?”

ME: “I’m feeling much better. Have no choice. Start of a new week! How r u babe? Are u sore at all after your race?”

ANYA: “Better now that you’re better! A little sore this morn. Decided to skip the workout. R u in Irvine today?”

ME: “Yeah I’m in Irvine today. I apologize for giving you some grief yesterday about the texting. I just miss you a lot. We had a great weekend. That’s all I can say. Just a lot of missing talking.”

ANYA: “I know what you mean. We’re in the same boat. I would be the happiest girl…I miss u more than ever and it’s not getting easier. My body aches for u. I love you.”

ME: “I never knew I could ever love someone this much. As much as I believed in love. I never thought these feelings of sadness when the person I loved is away from me could never manifest itself the way they have. How could this feeling of longing grab me so much? Hard to believe feeling this way about anyone was ever possible. It’s just crazy.”

ANYA: “I know babe, it is. Just know that just b/c I can’t or don’t text u doesn’t mean ur not on my mind. Remember I love you forever.”

ME: “That means everything to me, babe. I love you forever too.”

Her words calmed the rising and raging sea inside my head as my heart, the tiny vessel I used to navigate against the surprise storm surges came to a floating peace. Things that leaned towards a devotion to her husband and to her marriage now didn’t have to be big to be felt as I could feel a one point zero on the Richter scale now. “Remember I love you forever” meant a lot. As simple as the words seemed to be, they carried assurance and trust within them; the very two things I needed to feel at this time as I headed into a busy work week ahead. The last thing I would’ve ever wanted Anya to feel was that she had to text me. I didn’t want her to feel that way at all. I guess I failed to realize how not hearing from her naturally made me sad and increased my longing for her. She was never a luxury in my life. If she was, I wouldn’t have been with her. She was truly a need; the reason for all and any happiness I ever felt in life. My soulmate and best friend; two powerful components when combined together as they also carried the ability to keep me together, and to blow me apart. A truth I was beginning to learn and had no prior experience of understanding of enough to not be so affected by it. I spent a lifetime by myself with no one I could picture seeing a future with, so much so, I began to lose sight of a future with anyone, but now that I did, I feared to lose it and reacted in response to combat the fear. The truth was, as much as I claimed to fear nothing, even losing my life for love, I feared losing Anya as I viewed it the same as dying.

Later that day, I received a call from a friend of mine to see if I wanted to go a Dodgers playoff game. I’ve never attended a playoff game before as they were matched up against the World Series favorite Philadelphia Phillies and trailed the series two games to one. It was a big game for the Dodgers as they couldn’t afford to go down three games to one if they lost. Even with this possibility, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go because it was a long drive from Irvine to Dodgers Stadium especially at rush hour when people were trying to get home. Not only that, I was not much of a Dodgers fan since they changed ownership so many times, went on a free agent spending spree that depleted their farm system and produced more failure as I transformed myself into a Angels fan in the early nineties as they became what the Dodgers use to be. At any rate, it was an important playoff game and I’d never been to one before so I accepted his offer.

At around noon, Anya texted to let me know she started her online nursing continuing education units on this day, as her announcement filled my heart with hope for us as it encouraged my belief she would do the right thing. I then told her I would be heading to the Dodgers game for the evening and she seemed more excited about me going to the game than I was. As we ended our conversation, all I could think about was how supportive and empathetic her texts left me to feel about her, that if we were together our independence wouldn’t be looked upon with skepticism but excitement for one another. The only things that made it hard for me was she shared a bed with another man, and that’s why I couldn’t be as excited for her as she was for me because most things she did was in support of her marriage, a union she led me to believe would change only if someone was there for her.

In the middle of my drive on the five freeway on my way to Chavez Ravine as I picked up my friend and offered to drive since the ticket was free, my phone began to vibrate and its red light began to blink.

6:09 p.m.

“Have a great time at the game! I miss u more than u know, Landyn. I love you.”

Her text on my drive to the game meant a lot, and of course, if I could pick one person to go this game with, anyone in this world, it wouldn’t have been a famous person at all, it would have been her, and I communicated that very sentiment to her as traffic held my car in a holding pattern. Forty minutes later, as my car rolled into the Dodger Stadium parking lot, she sent a follow-up text.

6:49 p.m.

“Just want you to know you’ve changed my life forever. It has been the best 10 months of my life. True love does exist. You made me a believer. I’ll be watching the game with Andrew.”

As my heart and mind absorbed her words, my eyes began to water. It just meant that much to me that I meant that much to her. That no matter how much fear surrounded her, she knew that much was true and undeniable. Even if she were to stay, solely out of fear, she would no longer be the same person, no longer under the spell of what she experienced from and with Jackson. Even if our love had hurt Katie and Andrew, she knew and felt like an angina, she did it for nothing less than true love, a love the universe intended for all of us to have in life as we naturally yet unknowingly navigated towards, no matter the consequences. Our love, my love for Anya, was for nothing less than for her well-being, a promotion of her state of happiness. Her actions and words which led us both here were the most real thing the Earth could offer any two human beings. There was a reason for our love, and the reason was solely for her well-being, and to escape a life of mental and emotional abuse from a man who claimed to love her who failed time and time again to do so. A text like this is what made me believe and trust in her love for me, because I felt like a need for her, and not a luxury, and I’ll be damned if she wasn’t going to have what she needed from me one day even if I struggled with her intentions. There’s just no way anyone would say and do things of this magnitude to anyone just for fun, as this text, and other like it, led me to fight for her.

ME: “I’m honored you feel that way, and it means everything to me simply because although I’m not your everything, you are my everything. These last 10 months have truly been the best months of my life too. I had given up on love for years but you’ve made me every bit of a believer too. I will never be the same again.”

ANYA: “That was beautiful babe. Thank you. That makes me sad when u say you’re not my everything. You’re my everything in many ways.”

ME: “Sorry to make you sad, Sweetheart. I meant I understand I can’t be your everything, that’s all. If things were different, I know I would be your everything. That’s how safe you make me feel. I love you forever!”

ANYA: “Forever babe!”

Although I was with a friend at the game, I could’ve talked with Anya the entire time. How often could a man genuinely feel that way at a sporting event? My feelings for her were just that strong and nothing I could ignore even with a most valiant effort. Another reason I fought so desperately to stay positive so we could be together when the time came.

As the evening progressed, Anya and I texted each other off and on during the game, as it reminded me of the Patriots-Giants Super Bowl we watched together through electronic media. As the top of the 8th inning arrived, the Dodgers led the Phillies 5-3. Game Four was a pivotal game in the series as I quickly realized the mood of fans at these playoff games were not as relaxed as the regular season games, which made a baseball game so much more exciting, I probably couldn’t go see a regular season game again. The Dodgers dropped the first two games of the series in Philadelphia by the scores of 3-2 and 8-5, respectively but the Dodgers pounded the Phillies in Game 3 back at home by the score of 7-2. During this time, my friend had a few drinks too many and began cursing as we were seated in the right field pavilion, a place where many kids were present. My friend was actually warned an inning before by a parent, seated in front of us, to not use curse words, but telling that to him was like telling him not to stop. It was a playoff game, and he was a huge Dodgers fan as those two facts presented a flood of uncontainable emotions. Well, just before the 8th inning could start, an usher came down and removed my friend from the stadium which left me there alone. It was the first time I ever went to a game and was with anyone who got tossed so I didn’t know what to do. I followed him as they escorted him from his seat but they decided not to throw him out but to quarantine him in a section of the stadium below the right field pavilion. I asked him if he wanted to leave as it would be a good time since we could beat the traffic and make it back home in good time, but he insisted I go back to my seat and we stay until the end. After he belted out a few choice curse words telling me to get back to my seat as he tried to figure out a way to sneak away from his confined space, I arrived at my seat just in time to see Matt Stairs three run blast that would hold up as the Phillies took a commanding three games to one lead in the series they would not relinquish.

8:07 p.m.

“U guys are loud!!! Good game up until that home run! Have fun!”

ME: “You’re not going to believe this but my friend just got kicked out! They quarantined him below the right field pavilion.”

ANYA: “No way! What r u going to do?”

ME: “We’re going to stick it out. He’s trying to sneak his way back in.”

ANYA: “It’s a wild night!”

ME: “You’re telling me! Too wild for me!”

ANYA: “R u drinking, babe?”

ME: “I had a couple beers but my friend had a couple hundred! I’m driving though so we’ll be okay.”

ANYA: “Ok. Be careful tonight. Going to say goodnight. I love you forever.”

ME: “Thanks my love. Goodnight. Chat tomorrow. I love you forever.”

The Dodgers ended up losing the game 7-5. My friend never made it back in the stadium. And to top it off, we got stuck in traffic for three hours before we made it home at around midnight, but all I could do the entire time was smile all because Anya’s love made me forget about all that went wrong.

As sure as the sun rose in the morning, Anya sent me a good morning text.

8:07 p.m.

“Good morning! Thx for the text last nite. I was worried about u. Too bad for the Dodgers. I bet ur tired this morning.”

ME: “Good morning! I’m beat already and I just woke up! Long night waiting for traffic to clear up. You almost have to leave by the 7th inning just to make it home at a reasonable time. The Dodgers blew it last night but they’re up against a great team. How r u?”

ANYA: “I woke up early thinking about us and couldn’t go back to sleep. The holiday season scares me. I miss u.”

I didn’t know how to interpret her last text about the holiday season scaring her. I remembered last holiday season and how busy she was, but we just started our relationship. I knew one cold hard truth when she made me aware of her concern; it was going to be a lot harder this holiday season than last. If I missed her as bad as I did over the previous weekend, could I stomach a month’s absence while she played the role of happy wife and mother to family and friends who didn’t know the truth? If Yom Kippur bothered me, how would I feel about Hanukkah?

ME: “I understand. Things are different this year than they were last year. We’re a lot closer. We miss each other constantly and love each more than ever and it’s not getting any easier. We aren’t the two same people we were last year. We’re one now.”

ANYA: “I know, babe. Idk about Friday night because it’s Debbie birthday but can you meet me for tea on Saturday? I can’t leave Debbie on her birthday nite.”

ME: “I totally understand babe. Would love to see you on Saturday if it’s possible. What scares you the most about the holiday season?”

ANYA: “I thought how difficult this holiday season will be b/c I want to spend it with you.”

Her powerful words hit me with such great precision it teared me up to read them. I guess mostly because it was exactly what I wanted to hear from her yet never expected to, and I felt the same way. It also made me sad to read as well because of what Jackson had taken away from her by his infidelities, his mental and emotional abuses; to take the happiness away from her wanting to spend it with someone else rather than solely with her children.

Anya then asked me if it was hard for me last season and I told her it was in its own way, but we just started seeing each other so everything was still new. She even admitted she missed me but also wondered if I would blend in with her “Crazy Korean family” as that thought alone left me to dream about “blending in” one day. She then told me she was going to a baby shower also on Saturday and that Chase Utley’s mom would be there. Andrew wanted to give her some baseballs and to ask her friend if Chase would be willing to sign them but she felt awkward about asking as she didn’t know Chase’s mom personally so she ended his ambitious hopes and told him “not happening”.

8:46 a.m.

“I just don’t know them well enough to start asking. My friend would since they are her friends but still I don’t like to ask for things. I get funny that way.”

I agreed with her. There was no way I could do something like that without truly knowing them. Andrew didn’t see things that way simply because he was a kid, and even though I knew it broke Anya’s heart to disappoint him, once in while a parent had to say “no”. She was still the mother of the year in my eyes.

As our morning conversation came to its end, Anya let me know she planned to meet Carolyn at the mall near my apartment but, unfortunately I was stuck in Irvine at work and couldn’t see her. She text me later when she was back home.

2:45 p.m.

“I miss you very much.”

ME: “I miss you very much too. How was the mall?”

ANYA: “Great! We had a lot of fun! How’s ur day going?”

ME: “Happy to hear you had a great day! Busy and stressful as always but good! How r your CEU’s coming along?”

ANYA: “I finished one course and took the test. All good.”

ME: “Is it hard to find the time to do? You do so much already.”

ANYA: “I have to set aside a couple of days a week to dedicate towards working on my CEU’s. One more thing on my plate! I need minimum of 30 CEU’s and 30 more once they restate my license. Each course is equivalent to 1-4 CEU’s. There is a chance I may have to take the state board. If I have to take the god awful state board again I may not go through with it. I should hear back in a couple of weeks. In the meantime I don’t mind taking the courses and learning. It’s actually fun!”

ME: “If it’s anything like the CPA exam, I can understand how you wouldn’t want to take the state board again. You got the right attitude about it babe and I’m proud of you for doing it.”

Of course, Anya’s CEU’s meant more than her nursing degree to me, it meant getting out from under Jackson’s current control of her. She told me she received a salary for her work as the Company’s event coordinator, but it wasn’t much. The last time she told me about her desire to renew her nursing license, it came at the same time she was upset at Jackson for scheduling a work project on the day we were to see each other. Her license renewal to me meant she believed in us, and I viewed it as an act of her wanting to be with me one day.

ME: “I can’t imagine they’d make you retake the state board again. I know the CPA license requirements aren’t laid out that way. I don’t know why they would make you take the State Board again. The continuing education keeps you up to date on things. You’ve already proven competency by passing the State Board.”

ANYA: “I’m sure for liability reasons. It only applies if u claim inactive over 8 years. I don’t see myself ever going back but thought I’d keep it current of possible.”

When she texted “I don’t ever see myself going back”, my heart seemed to stop beating for a second. If she never saw herself “going back” did she ever see herself being with me? I thought she wanted to take her CEU’s so she could free herself from Jackson’s vice grip on her life as it left me completely disheartened.

ANYA: “So are you considered a CPA or an accountant?”

ME: “I’m an active status CPA. At the moment.”

ANYA: “So you’re a tax expert?”

ME: “I know basic tax code and laws but far from a tax expert babe. I’m more focused on financial reporting than tax although it comes into play. I got my license through auditing experience instead of tax experience. I can sign attest reports actually and give my opinion if financial statements are fairly presented in conformity with GAAP. Are you awake over there? Hope you’re not driving!”

ANYA: “Stop it! I love learning about you!”

ME: “You’re very kind. Too kind.”

ANYA: “I love you baby.”

ME: “I love you too.”

ANYA: “I had a dream about us last night. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t go back to sleep.”

When I received this text I feared a downhill spiral after she told me she didn’t see herself going back into nursing. Something was up as the conversation had the ability to go anywhere and that’s exactly what happened after I reluctantly inquired about its details.

ME: “What was the dream about?”

ANYA: “I was wearing a skirt and you pulled it up. We were in ur kitchen.”

I didn’t know how to respond as I was still at the office, although just minutes away from leaving for the day. The mere visual alone made it impossible for me not to be aroused as I imagined the color of the skirt, the way it looked on her tan legs, and the excitement I’d feel upon pulling it all the way up. Although I didn’t know how to respond mostly due to my surroundings, I knew I had to.

ME: “That’s too hot!”

ANYA: “You can do whatever you want with it. We did something we haven’t done before. I was so turned on when I woke up. Oh well off to dance and soccer. Buzz kill! Later!”

I wondered aloud “What just happened” as her revelation left me with a pitched tent. How could she leave me hanging like this? Then again, I was at work, and it truly was an act of mercy on her part.

In our relationship, I’m sure the love we made was beyond what she ever experienced with Jackson, maybe even ever. I knew she could feel my love for her simply whenever I touched her body. Although an animal magnetism existed for her, she was not a piece of meat, and as badly at times I felt I’d lose all control, and truly wanted to, her status stopped me because I wanted it to change with every bit of my soul for the right reasons. I wanted the security of knowing I was the only man allowed to touch her, the only man she wanted to be touched by. The thought of getting her pregnant crossed my mind at times as a way to get her to leave. If she had gotten pregnant, she could have an abortion, but I’d have more leverage to bargain, and if she saw us with one, wanted to wear my ring, and ached to be with me, I felt she would do the right thing. Three things stopped these thoughts cold in their tracks. Katie, Andrew and my love for Anya. Two innocent kids suddenly thrown into a vastly changed world than if Anya were to simply leave and divorce. If she thought they may hate her if she left, she could be assured it would happen and also set a horrible example, far worse than falling in love with someone else because of mental abuses from another. It would hurt them, if not entirely destroy them mentally and shake their world up beyond repair. As much as I ached to know them, as much as my heart ached for them to know the truth, I loved them too because I loved their mother. They could have hated me all they wanted to, but I loved their mother out of goodness, and knew they didn’t realize they were victims blinded by an illusion, one they would eventually see one day and one I believed they would come to understand as well.

I felt Jackson was like a leopard, an animal that never lost its spots. Once a leopard always a leopard and if Jackson were to cheat on Anya again, I didn’t want her kids to know about it. If Anya divorced him, and he was with someone, he would be viewed in a favorable light. If he suspected she was seeing anyone, what would stop him from doing the same thing?

When I got home I texted Anya to let her know she got me going with her story and had to turn my mind off to concentrate on work and be able to walk out of the office without any physical limitations or visual abnormalities.

6:01 p.m.

“Sorry I should have waited till u got home to tell u about my dream. I so want to explore with you but there is a part of me that’s scared because “we’re not together”.

I understood what she meant. I felt the same. We were together but not technically and as badly as I wanted to explore and know every inch of her body and every part of her, we couldn’t go there yet. This text actually brought me relief and took the pressure off her feeling sad if I chose to not go there, and any fear she would doubt my great love for her.

ME: “I want to explore with you too and even though I get a little shy, I hold back for the same reason. Did you want to talk about our fantasies?”

ANYA: “I’m not that shy babe. I’m kinda waiting for you. I think if anything we’re gun shy afraid to feel too much afterwards. I will talk to you about anything you want.”

ME: “I want to share my fantasies with you, but that’s always been a private part of me by nature. I hope that doesn’t bother you.”

ANYA: “I don’t mind that you’re private. Keeps me guessing.”

ME: “I think about the morning you came to my place. I think about that time when I pleasure myself, more than any other time we’ve been together, and I have a lot of good times to choose from.”

ANYA: “That morning was the perfect time but I think we just got lost embracing and falling asleep together. It was such a beautiful feeling.”

ME: “It honestly was the best morning of my life.”

ANYA: “Do you think if you told me some of your fantasies that would kill it for you? After all it could become a reality and it wouldn’t be a fantasy anymore. Does it make sense?”

ME: “No, because I love you for who you are. Having fantasies about you is just part of it, and if it did become a reality I would certainly be able to reenact them! I guess I’m fearful I could only live out the fantasies once then never again. Does that make sense? I think I just need to get drunk one night and I’m sure they will all come out.”

ANYA: “Okay then one night we’ll get drunk and share!”

ME: “Looks like I need to go to the store for some wine! You’re in all my fantasies babe. It’s only you. I have fantasized about you more than any girl, even ones in Playboy! When I was younger, anyway.”

ANYA: “Wow I sound so powerful! You’re in all my fantasies too. My fantasies are quite simple actually. I’ll tell u when we get drunk together!”

ME: “Now I’m really excited!”

ANYA: “Excited as in turned on or excited cuz we’re going to get drunk?”

ME: “It’s a hybrid of both!”

ANYA: “Me too! I gotta go pick up the kid. I love you!”

I loved texting with Anya as it brought so much fun to an otherwise boring day, but I was relieved she had to pick up the kids so I could relieve the thoughts of her dream.

Later that evening after I awoke from a nap I needed after I eased her dream away, she texted me.

8:13 p.m.

“R u at your mom’s?”

ME: “Not tonight, babe. I’m home.”

ANYA: “I’m not getting all your texts. They’re coming through in bits and pieces.”

ME: “No kidding? I would tell you it’s probably because I’m at my mom’s house. The reception isn’t great there, but I’m home tonight.”

ANYA: “Hmmm…strange. I’m going to say goodnight babe. I’m sorry if I distracted you today. I love you forever baby!”

ME: “It was a good kind of distraction! Sorry I didn’t thank you for it! So let me do so now. Thank you! I love you forever! Goodnight Beautiful!”

As I put down my phone and hoped she would find ways to distract me, I knew I would fall asleep easily on this night, but when I thought it would end, she texted me again.

8:46 p.m.

“I hope I dream again!”

ME: “You and me both!!!”

ANYA: “Haha!!!!”

We exchanged no less than fifty texts today, and as I thought about the exchanges, it further cemented how much Anya meant to me, each text a contribution to my happiness. I then began to think since this holiday season scared her, maybe this was a way to get me to stick it out; to experience these fantasies with her, or something to get us by the possible tough time on the horizon where the longing would be at its greatest? If I missed her as bad as I did without living out my fantasies, what if they did become a reality? How badly would it hurt if she disappeared on me this holiday season? What were her holiday plans that fed her fear? Were they enough for her to fabricate a dream she had? My fantasies had to be just as simple as hers. A jacuzzi. A shower. A bath. A sensual massage. In a sundress. Lingerie and high heels. She always looked devourable in anything. I thought of the movie “unfaithful” and the hot uncontrollable scene of passion when they couldn’t contain themselves and basically raped each other in a restaurant’s bathroom. I would be a liar if I said I fantasized Anya and I in the same intense situation where the passion for each other was just so overwhelming, and I could attest firsthand it indeed was. I didn’t want to rape her, but I wanted to love her without control. I wanted to know every bit of her body from head to toe. I wanted to consume her and devour her. I only held back because of the pain I felt when she left, and the pain she might feel when she did. She had to face her kids at home when she left. It’s not the fact she left that hurt. I wanted her to feel and be independent because it turned me off when women were too dependent, but it was the fact I didn’t know when and if I would see her again, and it scared me now because I knew how much she meant to me: everything. A murder on my heart; an atrial suicide. She’s the blood and oxygen that kept my heart pumping. The air in my lungs. She kept me alive.

Stolen story; please report.

The next day, after her dream, I expected to hear from her often. To tell me she had another dream, to tell me she didn’t and she was sad she didn’t. After she told me about her dream, I felt she would feel closer to me today, but for some reason I didn’t feel it. She texted me good morning like she usually did, nothing out of the ordinary, however unusual only because it was so ordinary after the closeness of yesterday. She told me she finished another nursing course, but it didn’t mean as much when she told me she didn’t see herself going back. She then told me she took Katie to a doctor’s appointment and that she was running around doing errands. When noon came around, a time I usually heard from her, I never did, so I texted her and she told me she was at her photographer’s house to pick up some pics she had taken of her kids last week. Since I was on a negative trajectory for the day, I feared what if they were family pictures? Ones that would soon adorn the walls and shelves of her home? The more I thought about that scenario, the more disheartened the day left me to feel, and when she told me it was “Sort of a busy day” for her” my emotions really began to nosedive.

ME: “Ok, babe. Enjoy the rest of your day. It’s nice out.”

ANYA: “It’s beautiful out! I can’t wait to kiss you on Sat! I love you!”

ME: “Can’t wait to kiss you too! Really looking forward to seeing you.”

ANYA: “Me too!!!”

ME: “I have the next two Fridays off which is nice.”

ANYA: “So uh u busy those two Fridays?”

ME: “Not at all! Would you want to come by?”

ANYA: “Would love to! Will do my best to work it out!”

ME: “Thanks babe! It means a lot to me! I usually smell your perfume bottles when I miss you so it’s nice to know I’ll get to see you quite a bit over the next couple of weeks.”

ANYA: “Really? I’m glad you have them. I really miss you too! No, thank u for loving me!”

The entire day I had not been myself, on a downward emotional spiral, but to know I would see her on consecutive Fridays and on this Saturday did wonders, but as the night progressed, a night once again I thought I would hear more from her, like I usually did, I didn’t. The day just seemed to carry a different vibe throughout it from her, almost clandestine as if she was trying to hide something about her day from me. It just felt different, and that’s what made our closeness so precarious was the subtleties of time and space, every millimeter, ever millisecond, you could feel strongly. The energy, the vibrations between us was inconsistent, as the Universe had a way of telling me so. When I texted her that evening after a few hours of unusual silence, she informed me of her night’s schedule after I informed her Grey’s Anatomy was on tonight.

5:26 p.m.

“Well I Tivo’d it but I won’t be home. I am going to a skin care reception at Executive Spa in Maple w/some friends. I’m going to change skin care line.”

I don’t know why but I was disappointed she wasn’t spending time with her kids or helping them with their homework. Something that gave me validity for the emptiness and loneliness I felt without her by my side. I then considered how wrong it was for me to feel the way I did. How could I possibly feel this way? Why did it bother me she was switching skin care lines? Who was I dating? Victoria Principal? Did my mom ever have to change skin care lines? What’s wrong with Noxzema or Oil of Olay? I felt my current thoughts carried an unfairness to Anya within them. I felt they were wrong to feel, but when you missed someone so much, as badly as I did, as badly as I wanted to see the love of my life when it hurt, I also had to find some balance and validity in all I felt. On this day, in particular, I was in touch with that more than usual. I began to care more and was sensitive to every little thing she did, and it bothered me. I didn’t like the feeling and if it didn’t have to exist, I wanted to vanquish it. Even as she made plans to see me, I felt there was an ulterior motive behind her plans, something I didn’t see, like what she feared about the holiday season. I guess I felt she seemed to care about a skin care line more than what I was feeling, almost like she wanted me to feel this way so I’d slip as she began to sense something in my silence as I sought the high road.

6:02 p.m.

“1 to 0 Phi. U ok babe?”

ME: “I’m fine, babe. Just exhausted. How r u?”

ANYA: “I’m fine. Do u want to call me?”

ME: “Oh no, babe. I don’t want to take you away from your friends. We can talk tomorrow.”

ANYA: “K.”

Two and a half hours later, she sent me another text.

8:43 p.m.

“On my way home. I hope ur resting. Have a goodnight. I love you.”

ME: “I love you too. Goodnight.”

A little over a half hour later she texted me again.

9:19 p.m.

“Sleep well baby.”

The entire day was different as it was a culmination of the past week’s events. Her “Day of Atonement” sentiments, her fear of the holidays, her desire to spend more time with friends than with me, even at the price of spending time with kids that kept us where we were. I didn’t want to be critical of her. She needed her independence and I wanted her to do the things that she wanted to do, if that was where her heart was, but her words and actions didn’t seem to act in accordance, and when she failed to mention her dream it almost seemed to me it was fabricated to manipulate my feelings in a way. To either hold me hostage or destroy me as horrible as that sounds, those were my thoughts on this day. I tried to think positively too, but my dependence on her for my happiness left me to feel her actions made it appear she did not feel the same way I did for her, almost as if her feelings weren’t as strong for me. That they only existed out of luxury, and not out of need, an imbalance, and the more I thought about this disparity, the more I felt I needed to send a test to see how she would respond. To see if a disparity truly did exist; so, I sent her 12 texts before I went to bed and after she did, to see how she would respond to it.

ME: “Listening to Mozart rt now. Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra. Not well versed in classical music but I enjoy it. I used to listen to classical music when I was a kid. I think the violin is such a beautiful instrument. Emotional. I listen to classical music when I write. Gives my writing a little rhythm. It relaxes me and allows me to feel. I think “My Significance” is a good book title. It really encapsulates everything you are to me and what your love means to me. Being a “Significant Other” could never do you justice if we were “together”. You’re so much more than that to me. Your love makes me feel like the man I always knew I was and the man I always knew I could be. For a long time I felt insignificant in this life. I felt like I’m a detriment to this world and really felt out of place and not worthy of anyone’s love b/c I was bitter, angry and hurt. I just didn’t think the love I dreamt about growing up existed and I felt no one would accept my idea of love because the love I believe in appeared to be unrealistic. You have been my dream come true and more. I believe now I do have a purpose in this life because of you. The bitterness, the anger and the hurt is gone. Replaced by your love. I’m significant in this world because of you babe and your love. You really are my significance. I feel truly blessed to have found you regardless of everything. I’m a lucky man. I miss you more than oxygen babe. It doesn’t matter what skin care product you choose you are so beautiful inside and out and I will always love you. You will always be my significance. Sweet dreams.”

I guess a part of me felt, why did you need a skin line change when you had me? Didn’t my love for you matter? The only person who cared about her “skin” was Jackson and maybe her personal presentation in regards to his business and political interests. Why not let her skin go to shit then Jackson would be inclined to leave her if he was superficial which he clearly was. It unsettled me she did things that appeared to be acts of staying and not leaving. After all that had been communicated to me. After all we experienced, even the desire to share fantasies with me she dreamt about, her actions didn’t agree, but I was like a paralyzed man without the ability to speak. If I said something, it could affect her around her children, and then they are on to her. That’s not what I wanted, but at the same time how do I resolve these negative emotions? Suck it up like she did in her marriage over the last fifteen years? That wasn’t me, and she knew this, because if I was, I wouldn’t have made the choice to be a part of her life. At least with my text, as deep and all telling it was, it could provide me a glimpse to see there she stood, and her response didn’t disappoint, in that regard.

8:42 p.m.

“Good morning! OMG thank u 4 the texts last nite. That was beautiful. I love Mozart! I love ur title and everything u said last nite. I admit it scared me a bit.”

I appreciated Anya’s honesty, but the problem I had with it was if you wanted to share your fantasies with me not even a day ago, and you’re truly in love with me, then how could you be scared by anything especially considering the circumstances? Her response exposed my fear; the inconsistency I’ve been feeling, her lack of fear in keeping the façade up and not doing the right thing and putting it to bed.

ME: “Maybe you feel you’re going to disappoint me and that’s why it scared you otherwise why would you be? I feel I personally wouldn’t be scared if I truly wanted to be with someone.”

ANYA: “I truly love you but I feel not worthy to have replaced your bitterness, anger and hurt. What if I disappoint you? What if? That’s a lot for me to live with.”

Although I didn’t text it, I felt “And rightfully so” simply because her implication of having “a lot to live with” if she disappointed me seemed to assume I never walked away from her, that she never made me feel guilty for doing so, and it disturbed me. I couldn’t text her anything right to say so I decided not to so she picked up the conversation.

ANYA: “I’m being honest when I say Idk. I don’t know if I’m going to disappoint you or if I’m going to make you happy, idk. I was scared cuz idk. It was heavy but I loved it.

I could hear people in my head at the same time I read this. My mother. Mitch. My father if he had known. I felt almost abandoned at sea without a life preserver as I treaded water with only hope, time and all the space in the world. Again, I went back to having a ton of tremendous feelings for someone and if she had the same for me, wouldn’t that allow her to know? It led me to further believe in her life, if she didn’t know at this point, and there was any chance she could stay, I indeed had become a luxury, and not a need. My worst fear confirmed; Anya seemed to not know what it meant to be in love as she believed it also meant to break the hearts of her kids. Lust would break the hearts of her kids, but love never could, and I hated to admit this about the significance of her dreams, but this was the first time, and I never thought of myself as irresistibly sexually desirable, that I felt she may have been in lust, and not truly in love, and if that was true, I was happy the texts scared the shit out of her. I had to be honest with myself as much as it hurt, she did not respond in kind for the first time, but in complete fear disguised as gratitude.

ANYA: “I appreciate your honesty w/me and your love for me. There is not a day that goes by when I don’t fantasize about living with you. This started way back when.”

Just when I thought I had her all figured out and why the fear existed, she came back with a fantasy full of love, the fantasy of living together in my one bedroom of a joke apartment as she began to see all I began to feel about her love for me; all without me saying a single word.

ANYA: “I think you know deep in your heart that I love you to death. You know that. You have to know that. Keep that in mind and don’t ever question it.”

My silence triggered the possibility of the unthinkable in her mind, that not her intentions, but rather her love for me was now in question by her admission of being “scared”. I didn’t want to put any pressure on her, I didn’t want to upset her in front of her kids, but “I think you know deep in your heart” told me she could see how I could feel the way I did. The woman who tested her love for me at times, now received a test of her own as she began to recognize the “significance” and the real reason behind my texts the prior evening. I felt she was honest in her sentiments though, as honest as I felt when she told me she was “scared” and it helped to ease the negative emotions from growing any further.

ME: “Please don’t ever question my love. You can read the “All I Know” texts if you ever have any doubts. I know you love me.”

ANYA: “You just made me tear up.”

ME: “Please don’t cry. I appreciate your honesty. Remember, as hard as it is to hear or read now, I want nothing but brutal honesty from you even if it hurts me.”

ANYA: “K. I have to get ready to go to the office today. Have a great day. I love you.”

ME: “Have a great day too. I love you.”

My Thursday morning texts with Anya made me late for work as I had a few messages on my voicemail from my engagement team inquiring about my whereabouts. I was scheduled to be in Orange but I had a strong staff person with me. I called her back to let her know I was on my way and to hold down the fort. Apparently the client came in to ask a question she did not know the answer to and she needed me there, so I called the client directly and answered his question on my way, which resolved the issue, but to me, I didn’t feel right to leave a team member of mine out there to fend for themselves, but as my relationship with Anya took on a more serious nature, these kinds of things began to happen more than they should have.

While on my lunch break, Anya sent me a text, one that made me happy to see.

12:56 p.m.

“Hi! How’s ur day going?”

ME: “Hi babe! It’s going great so far! How’s ur day going?”

ANYA: “Great! Just leaving work! I have 2 hours to kill so I’m going to run errands.”

ME: “That’s great! I hope you can get some things done to take your stress level down a notch so you can relax a bit.”

ANYA: “Thank u babe. I hope I didn’t discourage u from telling me ur feelings b/c I said it scared me. I want to know everything.”

Now I knew why she realized the significance of her “scared me a bit” admission. It possibly meant it could scare me enough to keep my feelings to myself. Although I never viewed keeping my feelings for her hidden as an option, maybe it should be? Maybe my feelings for her only pampered her ego? After all, my feelings weren’t for free if she didn’t feel similar. If they’d only scared her, then why share them if she didn’t know? It was an option I never considered until she brought that fear of hers to my attention, which of course, as much as viable the option was, I could never sacrifice my authentic nature. Then about forty minutes later, she showed me this fear of hers.

1:38 p.m.

“I love you very much.”

ME: “I love you very much.”

ANYA: “I had another dream last night. I think it stemmed from something you told me the other day. I’ll have to tell you later. Too distracting.”

ME: “Ha! Thank you for your show of mercy! I’m going to text u later about it though so be prepared.”

ANYA: “Ok good. Btw thank you for the skincare thing. I decided to try this other line. I have to warn u I will go through a “period” of redness, peeling and acne. My skin will go through a detox period so it will look worse b4 it looks better. Scary.”

ME: “Well in that case I better warn you too.”

ANYA: “K. What do you have to warn me about?”

ME: “I must warn you I don’t care what your skin looks like.”

ANYA: “Ha ha! Thank you sweets!”

Positive thoughts began to swirl in my head about us as I began to reason Anya was afraid to lose me. Afraid to lose me during the holidays when her kids would be around, but most of all, whether a luxury or a need, she was afraid to lose my love for her. The one that never feared to show her how I felt about her. Later that evening, as I promised, I texted her to find out what she dreamt about.

5:57 p.m.

“I was in your living room where we danced. You were sitting in a black chair. I had nothing on but heels. I straddled you and we started to kiss. And then…”

ME: “And then????”

ANYA: “I don’t want to tell you the rest in detail. I’ll let you use your imagination.”

ME: “Ahhhhhh! Going to need a cold shower now!”

ANYA: “It was hot! It felt so real!”

ME: “Do you remember any of it after you straddled me?”

ANYA: “I remember some but it faded b4 I woke up. One thing for sure, you came in me while I was on top of you. That’s what felt so real.”

Another one of the things that held me back was my inability to hold back if I wasn’t able to. This dream alone was enough to do the trick, but if this became reality, no doubt she would get pregnant, and as badly as I wanted her to be the mother of my child one day, no way would her kids ever understand why and they shouldn’t have had to even though I truly loved her.

ME: “Well, sounds like a dream I’d have! Where did you come up with the black chair? What kind of chair was it?”

ANYA: “You won’t believe this but a small and simple black chair w/a back. It looked like a café chair. Don’t ask me why you were sitting in that chair!”

ME: “Ha! I’m sure it was a sight to see!”

ANYA: “I miss you. I’m so turned on.”

ME: “I miss you too. I feel honored to be the man in your dream.”

ANYA: “I love you very much. You’re the only man in my dreams.”

ME: “Like I’ve always said from the moment I first kissed you, you are better than the woman of my dreams. There’s no comparison. I am that much in love with you and I want to experience your dreams one day with only you because they are my dreams too.”

ANYA: “I’m so in love w/u.”

ME: “I have to pinch myself when you tell me I’m the only man in your dreams. I’m just a normal guy and it means a lot to me.”

ANYA: “Awww babe. Ur so humble. I think that’s what I love about you the most. You have so much going for you but you never take anything for granted. I just love you to death.”

After this conversation, she had to run to go pick up the kids, but the visual she created was impossible to remove from my mind as it called for action of an urgent nature, and even then, that didn’t quell the thoughts completely away. I just hoped she realized if we ever went there, I would expect for her to leave more than ever before, as I’d put my entire trust in her love for me.

She sent me an early “good morning” text and I sensed the Anya that captured my soul made a return. She told me she slept well but ran only three miles that morning as if she hadn’t already accomplished enough before eight in the morning. It marked the first time she had run since her race last weekend and she also threw in a short kickboxing class for good measure.

8:39 a.m.

“I hadn’t been to the KB class in two weeks. My instructor kills me. If I don’t give my all he notices. I told him I was still sore and what does he say? His favorite thing to say “suck it up”! Hate him! Ugh! JK! How r u?”

ME: “Hey look he isn’t going to buy your “I’m sore” crap anymore okay? So just suck it up! I’m well, babe. Are you still sore?”

ANYA: “Ha ha! Well I felt good the last 3 days but some aches surfaced again behind my left knee during my run. I’m such a baby when it comes to pain.”

ME: “Sorry to hear that babe. Are you usually sore this late after a race?”

ANYA: “I didn’t stretch enough before the run and pulled it. All my running friends have chronic aches and pains from running and they just deal with it. I’ve been lucky and don’t have any issues so I’m spoiled. I don’t do pain well. I just break my bones here and there but I don’t run w/it.”

ME: “What? You only break your bones here and there? Give me a chronic ache and pain over a broken bone any day of the week!”

ANYA: “Ha! I know I’m bad. Just stepping into my skincare place. They want to take a pic of b4 and after treatment.”

ME: “Ok babe, I’ll let you go. Do you start the treatment today?”

ANYA: “Just started 2 nights ago.”

ME: “Hmmmm…isn’t that kind of false advertising? You’re going to go through a detox period after you start so wouldn’t you look worse than if you had taken the pic when you started?”

ANYA: “Ha! No not really. They say it takes at least 6 weeks to notice. I haven’t even gone through the detox phase yet. They will take another pic in three months. That’s sweet you’re interested.”

ME: “Ok, I get it now. I was just curious babe. Sorry to keep you, love you!”

I would say with absolute certainty before I met Anya I never thought I’d ever care about a woman’s skin regimen, but knowing how much it meant to Anya, it gave me an opportunity to get close to her, as the day gave me good feelings about it, after all it was a Friday.

I never did anything on Friday nights anymore. My days at Paseos nothing but a faded memory and now a place of sacred significance. Although I was in a much better state of mind simply because I was in love, the Friday and Saturday nights became more lonelier than ever as an emptiness consumed them I could not explain, gone was the excitement and mystery the night could bring and replaced by a longing too painful to describe, but left me content. This Friday though, and the positive vibes that came along with it was about to change after I received a text from Anya while on my lunch hour.

12:30 p.m.

“I wish I could see you tonight but I can’t. I’m not driving so it makes it more difficult. I’m going to Kahe’s tonight at 6:30 for dinner with the girls. I miss you.”

ME: “Oh, ok babe. Sounds like fun. I miss you too.”

I didn’t want to give her the impression what she told me disheartened me. It really shouldn’t have bothered me. After all, we were meeting for tea the next day, but for her to shoot down the chance of seeing each other just rubbed me the wrong way as it seemed inconsistent with the any “I miss you’s” and “I love you’s”. I began to feel, although not entirely, I was being taken for granted. That all she had to do was throw out an “I miss you” and everything was good. In fact, I would even go as far to say, I was beginning to feel like the female in the relationship, and no longer had the upper hand. As much as she loved me. As much as she missed me. It felt she had become indifferent to us being together, even to seeing each other even when a chance arose. The more I dwelled on this, the more real it began to feel. Why was the married one going out and the single one staying at home? The more I paid attention to this role reversal, the more unsettled I became. The Anya I knew, no matter what, even if her husband suspected, would’ve asked me to meet her at Kahe’s, even if for only a half hour. She would have wanted me to save her just like I did in Laguna Beach. The Anya I knew, the one who shared her dreams with me just a day ago, would have found a way to see me. That much I knew.

ANYA: “You know you’ll be on my mind the whole time.”

ME: “Please don’t feel you have to have me on your mind the whole time babe. That’s not right, Please have fun.”

ANYA: “I would ask you to come by but mother hen is going to be there along with two other girls, Sharon and Elise along with Carolyn, Debbie and I. I think you know all the girls now.”

ME: “I do and I totally understand. Have a great time!”

Her “you’ll be on my mind the whole time” really irritated me. I didn’t want her to feel that way, but it was my fault she did after I gave her grief when she didn’t text me during her post race meal the weekend before. I think what hurt me was this dinner was planned during the week and not once did she mention it to me as it carried a clandestine nature behind it, and because of that alone, I prepared myself for any surprises as I felt convinced that after dinner she would end up at Paseos somehow. If she ended up at Paseos after dinner, I knew it would bother me. It just would. That even in the presence of “mother hen” she would find herself at a place men would talk freely to her. Why would “mother hen” care if it was me, someone she knew as much as the other men at the bar?

As I contemplated how I would stomach the evening knowing other men could be around her yet I wasn’t allowed to be, she texted me.

4:53 p.m.

“Starting to get ready. I miss you.”

I just didn’t feel it. I felt it was just sent out of obligation. Only to make me feel better with no real truth behind it. I struggled all week with this back and forth as I began to feel the “dream” she had was not a dream, but a way to keep me from questioning her love, a love for me she implored I had to know deep down existed. However, the truth was I didn’t know what was real from her. The truth was, I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand married women going to singles bars. I didn’t understand married women who were in love with other men they were in relationships with staying for the sake of the kids. I understood her love for her kids. I just didn’t understand her world at the moment.

I decided to shower and get dressed up just in case she changed her mind. In case, I was wrong about the way I felt but as the night progressed it seemed like I would just stay home as electronic images I had no real awareness of flashed upon a screen, but then came a text that sent my heart racing.

9:05 p.m.

“I miss you.”

ME: “I miss you too.”

After I read her text, I sprung to my feet and decided to get in my car to drive to the vicinity of Kahe’s in case she really did miss me as much as I missed her. I doubted I would get a chance to see her or talk to her, but if there was a chance, I didn’t want to miss out on it. I had to admit too, I was curious about this first, an occasion-less dinner with the girls. As I drove around the general vicinity, I felt it was wrong for me to pull in the parking lot. I was not invited so for me to show up would be wrong. She told me she couldn’t see me and I wanted to respect that, but if she missed me and I was in the vicinity then maybe she would change her mind.

I was just disappointed I couldn’t see her. I wasn’t mad at her at all. She deserved a night out with the girls and she didn’t deserve my grief about it. I was just hurt that other guys could be around her yet I could not. She told me I would be on her mind the whole night, but I wanted to be more than just on her mind. The fact she is in love with me is not enough, and it wouldn’t be enough for anyone who loved her. I didn’t want to be told things to be pacified. I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me either. I just wanted to be shown “I miss you”, and not simply told.

10:45 p.m.

“I love you. What r u doing? I’m sooo f***in tired. I want to go home but stuck. We ended up at Paseos. Not happy.”

ME: “I love you too. Sorry to hear that babe. I’m in the area if you want to see each other for a few minutes.”

ANYA: “I’m sorry. I can’t. We’re leaving now. Where r u?”

ME: “Oh ok. I’m just right around the corner.”

ANYA: “Some of us are staying but I’m leaving.”

After I received this text that informed me some of “us” were staying but I’m leaving, I felt I made a mistake by driving out to see her. I thought she would beg me to come get her, like she used to, or would’ve asked me if I could see her. Being in the presence of her friends never stopped her before, but in actuality, the missing I felt, this need to be around her, made me think negatively more than anything she did or didn’t do. I wanted to be able to depend on her love, but was hurt to learn, I really couldn’t.

11:01 p.m.

“I’m walking out.”

I had parked directly across the street from Paseos entrance, and after I read her text I thought to myself she would just jump in a cab and disappear. I didn’t want to jump out and make her feel obligated she couldn’t leave to go home as I hoped I didn’t ruin her night, but at the same time, I just didn’t understand an occasion less visit to Paseos with the when the reason we couldn’t be together was because of the kids, yet going out with the girls on Friday night instead of being home with the kids doing something just didn’t sit right with me. If she truly loved me, wouldn’t she rather be with me and perhaps spend time with the kids as well instead of going out with the girls trying to relive her twenties? I hated to be judgmental, but when your heart ached to be with someone so badly, I found it hard not to be. At any rate, I also didn’t want to be that guy who needed to be with my girlfriend every hour on the hour. I wanted her to have her life. I just wanted to trust in her love for me. She seemed to have a hard time believing I was real. She seemed to believe I was too good to be true. I felt I proved to her that I was for real each time she needed me too. I wanted Anya to be able to do the same when I needed her to, and unfortunately, I had to put myself in the position, like driving out to Kahe’s or Paseos on this night, so I could have the same sense of security I gave her.

As I contemplated about making my whereabouts known, I received another text from her.

11:03 p.m.

“Where r u?”

I hesitated in letting her know only because I didn’t feel right about it. Did she really want to stay and because I was here, she told me she was leaving? Was I the only reason why she wanted to leave now? Would she end up staying if I told her I went home? It was a busy night at Paseos and parking spots, especially the one I had across the street from the entrance, was valued and rare to have. As I further pondered my response, I reasoned what if she and the girls already spotted my car from across the street? What if she really did want to see me?

ME: “I’m parked right across the street from the entrance.”

I then received another text a minute later as she appeared just outside the entrance with Carolyn.

11:05 p.m.

“Do u see me?”

When I did see her, my heart raced even more than it already did as I got lost in her for a second as a cool feeling of relief washed over me. The same feeling you get when you reach home after a long drive and are able to crawl into bed. I then exited my car and began to walk toward the parking lot and the alley where we kissed the last time we were at Paseos. Anya didn’t see me at first as she exited the bar with frantic excitement, and when I waved at her to get her attention as I could hear Anya say aloud “Where is he? Where is he?”. As I then watched Carolyn point Anya in my direction, I felt transported back five months earlier in Laguna Beach, as Anya and I made a bee line to our alley, as we knew exactly where to go without saying a word.

“Were you really going home?” I asked her nervously. “I hope I didn’t interrupt your night out if you were staying.”

“I was going to leave with Sharon and Cristine before I got your text.” she said. “Then I told them I was thinking of staying and had Carolyn come out to make it seem I wasn’t abandoning the group.”

After she spoke she grabbed my hand tightly and smiled hugely at me as excitement filled her eyes. Inside, I danced as I realized she missed me very much, more than I would’ve ever known if I made the decision to stay confined to my apartment with my negative thoughts about her love for me. When we reached the alley, alone with the moon, with her back against a brick wall we kissed as if we had never kissed before. The smile on her face made this darkest of nights for me the brightest of days as the security I sought in love for me I received when I needed it the most. I realized I had to do a little more to give her the opportunity to show me because of the circumstances as this was nothing like a regular relationship, and I was glad I had the courage to do so even though I didn’t like the idea of potentially interrupting her night because of a trust issue. Although the time we spent together was short, twenty minutes long because she had to return to her group, it cured all that pained me. Anya told me during the week to never question her love, and she was right as her actions through her happiness and warmth in seeing me, made me feel like a fool to ever question it as I hoped this would mark the beginning of a better Landyn; the Landyn she needed and fell in love with. When she got home, she texted me to let me know how the night made her feel.

11:44 p.m.

“Hi What a great surprise! I didn’t expect to see you tonight! U looked so cute! Nobody wants to leave so I’m calling for a taxi. I’m so done! Thx for coming down! You made my nite! I love you babe.”

ME: “No, thank you! You made my night! You have no idea! I love u too babe! Be safe! Goodnight!”

The good feelings carried right on over to the next day, as we met for tea. Anya appeared before me in an all pink sweat suit, and when I saw the smile on her face when she saw me, it warmed my heart to know she felt safe to wear anything she wanted to as she always looked beautiful to me in her own way each and every time I saw her or maybe it just never mattered because I was just so happy to be with her. After I teased her about a skin detox I didn’t see that she assured me was happening, and as she held my hand in hers while I drove, we went to our spot we always went to when we met for “tea”. Having “tea” consisted of quenching another thirst as we made out for the next twenty minutes. After she shared her “dream” with me earlier this week, I needed to feel her bare skin as I reached inside her pick sweat suit as it made me realize why she wore it after all. We then broke away and noticed something for the first time.

“Oh look, babe.” I said as I pointed at a sign at the park.

“What is it?” she asked with joy in her voice and excitement in her eyes.

“Look. Cascade Park.” I said as I pointed at the sign that bore the name of our often-frequented spot.

“You mean this spot actually has a name?”

“If you can believe that. It only took us about five months to notice too.”

As we both started to laugh at the lack of our acknowledgment of our surroundings, we began to kiss each other again. She smelled so good, she tasted so sweet and felt so nice, I couldn’t keep my hands or my mouth off her. The missing the past week was so intense, I wanted to absorb all the time I spent with her to pacify myself for another week of longing.

“What do you have going on today?” I asked.

“Katie has dance practice, Andrew has a soccer game, this afternoon I have a baby shower to go to and to top it all off a neighbor is having a birthday party tonight.”

“Oh my God!” I said in surprise. “You have a really busy day today. Thank you for making time for me.”

“I have to get up and run tomorrow morning. I have a race in Westwood next Saturday. I’m going to be at the mall by your house tomorrow.” she said. “I’m going to take Katie shopping. Wish I could see you but I’ll be with Katie. I think I’m going to bring Andrew with us because he needs to spend some time with mommy. I feel bad he has to get straight A’s and run his business at the same time.”

“I understand, babe. I know spending time with your kids is important to you. Thanks for making time for tea.” I said as I dreamt one day of being able to join them.

“The girls and I got into a little bit of a spat last night.” She informed me.

“I hope it wasn’t because I showed up last night.”

“No babe. It wasn’t related to you at all. Just a “girl” thing.”

“Oh ok. I see. There are more important things in life than getting sucked into that.”

“You’re important to me.” she said as she leaned in to kiss me.

After a long week of worrying if I was a luxury or a need in her life, it was good to hear, said through the lens of her eyes and not through an electronic device. When our meeting ended, I left knowing not only the spot we met at had an actual name, but also I was important to her.

When our day was over, I texted her to see she made it home safely but also psyched myself out to not be discouraged by her busy day buoyed by the previous evening at Paseos and our tea meeting as I felt secure in her love for me.

11:45 a.m.

“Cascade Park! Xoxo!”

ME: “Thank you for meeting me at Cascade Park! Who would have thought our spot had a name! I may have to rethink my book title! Xoxo!”

ANYA: “I’m still going with Abalone Cove! I miss you sooo much baby!”

ME: “I don’t think I could miss you more than I already do.”

As I read her text, it made me feel good to know I could put complete faith in her words as I could see it in her eyes the previous night and on this day. Even though she had many things to do, and a late-night neighborhood birthday party never gave me peace of mind, I felt secure in her feelings and sentiment; that I was important to her, and to look into her eyes and see the sincerity behind the words just meant a lot to me.

Sometimes I felt paralyzed, unable to do anything because I missed her so much however it felt better to miss her when I felt secure she missed me just as badly. It’s not that I wanted her to hurt or give less of herself to the kids, but I just needed some validation for the way I felt. I missed Denise after she left mem for another man, and I hated to feel anything similar to that especially when I walked away from Anya so I could avoid ever feeling that way again. As the night progressed though, and I resigned myself to doing some writing after dinner, I received an unexpected text from Anya.

7:55 p.m.

“Hi there.”

Her “hi there” text was a bizarre one as it didn’t carry “babe” or “baby” or anything other than a “hello” and history had shown, these texts usually carried a tone of dread with them.

ME: “Hi. How r u?”

ANYA: “I’m fine. How r u? What r u up to?”

ME: “I’m just relaxing here. It was nice to see you today, I’ve missed you so much all week. Having a glass of wine before I go to bed. Are you at the birthday party?”

ANYA: “I know I missed u too. Didn’t go to the party tonight. Hanging with the kiddos and their friends.”

ME: “Are some of the girls you had a spat with going to be there? Have you talked to any of them since? Is that why you didn’t go tonight?”

ANYA: “Yes no big deal. I didn’t bring it up. We’re cool. I’m a big girl. It’s something we don’t normally do. It’s like one of us walking into a bar by ourself.”

ME: “So you had to take a cab home alone last night. I’m sorry. That isn’t right for a friend to let another friend go home alone in a taxi. I get it.”

ANYA: “We just don’t do that. It’s a girl thing. If a guy does it it’s no big deal but different for a girl. I’m cool w/it though.”

ME: “I can understand how that would upset you. You have a right to be upset about that. Don’t feel guilty about it babe. That’s not cool whether you’re okay with it or not. Sometimes you have to say something, unfortunately. If they are true friend, they will understand.”

ANYA: “Thank you. I better get back to the scene. It was nice to c u today. You looked really cute. I miss you. Have a goodnight babe. I love you.”

ME: “Have a goodnight beautiful. I miss you and love you too.”

Although I never got a response as to why she didn’t go to the party, I felt the prior evening spat she had with them sounded like the reason she didn’t go to the party.

The next day however, I would soon learn the real reason why she didn’t go to the party and it threatened all the security I felt.