“Everytime I see you all the rays of the sun
are streaming through the waves in your hair
And every star in the sky is taking aim at your eyes
like a spotlight.
The beating of my heart is a drum, and it’s lost
And it’s looking for a rhythm like you.
You can take the darkness at the pit of the night.
And turn it into a beacon burning endlessly bright.
I’ve gotta follow it
‘cause everything I know
Well, it’s nothing ‘til I give it you.”
"Making Love Out Of Nothing At All" ~ Air Supply
When Clyde waited, then shut the door behind me after I walked in my office, I knew this would be no ordinary meeting. I tried to get a read on his facial gestures and body language, to notice anything different from the norm, but didn’t recognize as such. I did not know what to tell him if this was about losing Jackson’s business. I only received a few solid leads, but that’s all they were: leads and even in their cumulative state had much less value than the Caiaphas account. If Clyde let me go at this moment, I would lose Anya. I would let her go, and tell her to meet a real man. One who could take care of her and the kids. I felt uneasy inside as I knew the next five minutes would determine the last eleven months of my life.
“How are you, Landyn?” he asked. “How are you doing these days?”
“Well, I must admit I’ve been behind on a few engagements, but I’ve been plugging away at night and on the weekends.”
“I’m not talking about work.” he said. “per se.”
At this moment, I felt the urge to come clean. To tell him all I’ve been going through. I figured if I was honest, then maybe he would keep me aboard.
“I’m ok.” I said. “I’ve been meaning to…”
“Are you available on the sixteenth of December?” he interjected.
“Sure.” I said.
“Good!” he said as a smile broke across his face. “We’re going to announce your promotion to partner at the Company Christmas party on the sixteenth. I wanted to let you know since you’re pretty much the guest of honor so you can save the date. You’re welcome to invite a loved one or two if you’d like.”
“Really?” I said nervously then caught myself. “I mean…this really means a lot to me. Thank you very much. I’ll be there.”
He then rose from his chair and extended his hand out to me.
“I look forward to many years working with you, Landyn.” he said. “Thank you for all you’ve done for us.”
“I’m looking forward to it as well.” I said. “My pleasure. I can’t thank you enough.”
“No. Thank you, Landyn. You’ve earned this.” he said. “I plan on retiring in the next five years so I’d really like to pass this knowledge and business off to you one day. That’s the way I’m looking at this, not just a promotion to partner. I believe you have what it takes to get this firm to an unprecedented level, maybe a big five one day.”
“I see big things for this firm as well.” I agreed. “Just happy to contribute.”
“Okay, now will you get those engagements you’re behind on done so I can review them?” he asked with a warm grin.
“Expect some work on your desk in a couple of days then.” I said. “You asked for it.”
“Ha! Good talking to you, Landyn!”
“Likewise!” I said in disbelief as I watched him exit my office.
How was it possible Clyde didn’t know about Jackson’s wife and I if he knew my full name? Why hadn’t Jackson pulled his account out from under our nose? Was he too prideful? Was he really lying? Then I remembered something, something his ego blinded him to. He thought my last name was Landman…and that’s why he didn’t suspect it was me. To him, I was Landyn Landman, not Landyn Lastman. In fact, he may have thought my first name was Landman, and I was Landman Lastman.
Full of more hope than I had grown used to over the last two weeks, Anya sent me a text that only heightened my good feelings about us.
6:13 p.m.
“I thought of crawling in bed with you in my powder blue all day since u told me about the dream. I miss u, I love u.”
ME: “I’m glad you liked my dream! I’d go crazy if that ever happened. I don’t think I’d be able to contain my desire. You’re my true love. I miss u, I love u too.”
ANYA: “Ur my true love too baby. I miss u so much. Your dream was sweet.”
ME: “I’m sure my missing u had a lot to do with me having that dream.”
ANYA: “You won’t believe it but my license was granted based on completion of my CEU’s by 1/10/2009. The license came today! I’ll never use it but at least I have it!”
ME: “Wow! Congratulations! Good thing you started your CEU’s when you did!”
ANYA: “I know! Got lucky! I’m relieved. Better go babe. Homework duty. Have a goodnight. I love you.”
Even though Anya’s words about never using her license stung, it didn’t surprise me one bit her license was granted as I felt the universe by my side, our side, the entire day. I wanted to share with her my news too, that my firm would announce my promotion to partner in a little over a month. I also wanted to give her peace of mind that her husband had no clue who I was, and all he had was a name his ego blinded him to. Again, all under the watchful eye of an entity we could not see, but only feel.
I believed we all met someone for a reason. I believe the reason I met Anya was to save her from heartache and to breathe life into her, so it could be reflected upon others. Love breeds love. I was not the type to date a married person. I wouldn’t have fathomed this ever happening, but I decided to pay attention to my destiny after years of ignoring it, and when my fate came back into my life once more. I had to seize it, not only for a day, but for all the days of my life.
Anya was the one. She came in an unexpected package, but I believed we were made for each other. We belonged only to each other even as others stood in our way. As hope filled my heart beyond what I felt lately, I tussled with the idea of opening up to her about the return of my mother’s cancer. The only reason I didn’t is because my mother never made it seem serious enough to warrant me to discuss, but for some reason, it affected me greatly, as life was going to good for me to believe nothing bad was on the horizon. My mother had constant oncologist appointments since she was diagnosed with bone cancer, so I always figured they would catch it early enough. My mom didn’t seem to be worried about it. Sure, she told me, but it was just like any other time she had told me. In the same breath, I acknowledged it had to be a little different, and odd that it was found in her lungs and liver. Her prognosis seemed good however based upon her attitude about it.
The next morning, I woke up to a text that sounded like a heart breaking.
8:22 a.m.
“I miss u so much.”
For the last eleven plus months, I had never received a morning text from her that omitted a good morning yet instead went right to how she felt, and it broke my heart to read. I knew how much “we” meant to her, and I knew how much she meant to “we”. We were one person. We felt the same heart ache, and as much as I didn’t want her to hurt, even though this was a decision she made, it made me thankful she could not deny the Universe’s plan in effect. To deny all she felt I believed would defy our destiny and fate, written in constellations, years ago by an entity who loved us even greater than we loved each other. I didn’t know if it was God, but we were not in control of these feelings as much as we thought we were as I felt the Universe summoned us to love one another. To support one another. To care for one another. To always be there for one another. I wasn’t going to disrupt what I knew was this “all knowing” entity’s plan for us. I believed in love for a reason and Anya came into my life to personify it, to give it meaning. To show the world, with love anything was possible. That it’s all about love. Jackson may have been her current partner on earth, but I was her partner by the order of the heavens, the same dust that gave stars life, gave our love life as well. As long as she loved me, whenever she reached out for me in pain, regardless of our status here on earth, I would answer her call.
ME: “I miss you very much too. R u going to the office today?”
ANYA: “I am. What r u doing for lunch? I might be going to Wholefoods. It’s on Barranca and Jamboree. Is that close to you?”
ME: “I miss you so it’s close enough.”
ANYA: “Will you meet me there? 12:30?”
ME: “12:30.”
ANYA: “K. I’ll text u before I leave my office. U know we can’t have contact. Too many people in the business in Irvine.”
ME: “Understood. Did you want to meet me somewhere else so we can be in private?”
ANYA: “It’s ok. Even if we don’t get to be together at least I get to see u!”
Even though I would have loved to spend some alone time to her, I agreed, and at least I got to see her too.
She texted me at noon to tell me she would be at least fifteen minutes behind because her CEO wanted to have lunch with her, as she tried to ditch him. It made me wonder if Jackson had put him up to asking her to accompany him for lunch, to make her feel obligated if she had made plans with a suspected lover. I didn’t know where Jackson himself was, but he could be anywhere, even waiting for her at the Wholefoods store we planned to meet at.
It seemed Wholefoods capitalized on the organic food market that seemed to be rising in popularity. I couldn’t tell you if the tomato soups I had were organic or not, but it seemed the way to go. How would have thought back in the eighties when we were being taught about the vegetable and fruit food groups, which we believed to be wholly healthy, had to be organic to truly be so, or so they wanted us to believe. As I stood in the Wholefoods market and waited for Anya, I noticed healthy living cost more than unhealthy living, as I began to see why so many people ended up with Cancer or other diseases. People couldn’t afford to stay healthy if they wanted to.
This particular store had to be the darling of the chain, as they could have changed the name to Immaculate Foods and wouldn’t have missed a beat. They had all different kinds of choices, so many I didn’t know how I would’ve been able to make up my mind, but I could see Anya and I coming here for lunch and even dinner if we were together. I even started to dream of grocery shopping with her and how we could incorporate certain foods into our fantasies with each other. As I walked around the store truly astonished by its offerings, I spotted her in the wine section, and I approached her with caution.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as I resisted the urge to hug her.
“What took you so long?” she joked.
“I thought you were running behind?”
‘I was able to escape.” she said. “I miss you.”
“I miss you too.” I said as I got lost in her eyes.
“I love you.” She whispered through a smile.
“I love you. Too.”
I got mesmerized by Anya’s perfect hair that flowed across a white top at her shoulders. The color of her hair as it laid against her top made it that much harder for me not to kiss her. Her eyes shone as they never left mine, as if it didn’t matter if Jackson, or anyone else saw us together, the feeling she always gave me whenever we were together. It was when she went home that I struggled as she got sucked into the lives of her kids. She then said something that made me take a step back to reassess.
“I’m sorry.” she said.
I just nodded as I tried to ignore the pain the word brought to me.
“I’m truly sorry.” she repeated.
I wasn’t ready to say it was “Ok” as I became paralyzed by her sudden apology. What could I tell her? She allowed someone to fall deeply in love with her. She asked him to do the things he needed to do to be with him. Told him the only reason she was still there because she felt no one would want any part of her children. I showed her she was wrong on all counts. She tried to tell me I couldn’t be real, and all I did was prove that I was. She told me she could see us with a child. She told me she wanted to wear my ring, then decided she needed time away to figure things out. This only led me to question her intentions and her love, but times like this, times like yesterday made me believe in her. Made me believe she was going to do the right thing. I didn’t want to hear “I’m sorry.” I wanted to hear her say “I know”. No more indecision. No more time to figure things out. Just the time is here to be together. I could wait until this coming June though, when my promotion to partner went into effect, and then I would feel more comfortable with my strong feelings about why I didn’t want to hear “I’m sorry” from her.
Anya was a broken person, and before I met her I was broken too. I thought we were good for each other and I believed the unseen entity that united us did as well. We did not meet by accident. I truly believed Anya and I were the type of people who would never consider a relationship of this nature. She loved her kids way too much. I was raised to be respectful and considerate of the relationships of others, but I knew her pain intimately. I saw how women went for the wrong men, and I watched how disrespectful males were then they got the women they wanted and it made me bitter. I even considered being a jerk to women, and maybe in hindsight if I had been an asshole to Anya, she would have nothing to figure out and be with me, but that wasn’t who I was nor would I ever be. I didn’t accept I was a “nice” guy but rather a “respectful” one, but not to people who abused others. To know the woman who stood divinely before me loved me enough to make this stop in her busy day to see me, gave me all the ammunition I needed to sweep her away from a man who held on in an attempt to save his own face.
How I would have loved to snatch her hand, grabbed a cart and go down each and every aisle with her. To learn more about her and to learn from her as I never felt more alive in a grocery store in my life. As I stood in Wholefoods, in front of my destiny, I imagined how infinitely better my life was with Anya in it, and I realized I couldn’t respond to her sorry because it would be admitting I would lose her and my life would never be better than this very moment before me. Her beauty even inspired me to tell her I played guitar, although very poorly, as I could tell it surprised her I did, but I loved to write and thought she might not be surprised to learn I liked to write songs too. This simple time together however was the greatest day and the saddest day all in one, and when she left me, to head back home to pick up her kids from school, and to get ready for homework duty, to get back to the façade of her marriage, I felt sapped of the energy source she was, almost as if I would never see her again, as she went out into the world, so others could be around her energy and beauty, and as I headed back to work in a complete fog, I came to the realization I probably couldn’t see her in the afternoon anymore until she figured things out as I felt empty and worthless when she left me for another life she had that kept me from having the life I wished for.
As I headed out and back to the office lost in my longing for her, before I started my car to leave the store’s vast parking lot, she sent me a text.
1:30 p.m.
“I love this place!”
ME: “There is nothing that grocery store doesn’t have. I love it too. It’s the best! Thanks for meeting me there.”
ANYA: “It is babe! Thank u for meeting me. I miss u.”
ME: “Yep. I miss u too.”
My mood went from extreme happiness upon seeing her to extreme sadness upon leaving her as she left me bipolar; a manic depressant, but I had to fight through it if I believed in our love. And I did as I believed she would find a way to figure this out so we could be together. Even when it led me to question her intentions at times, I still trusted her to love me. That was the one thing I felt safe in, her need for me. It has proven true, like the stars you can’t see in a day sky, she struggled without me in her life as I felt an obligation even in great emotional agony, to not let her down, to not set her up for her kids to find her out. I had to fight through these manic episodes I began to have every time she left me; my need for her greater than ever before.
An hour later, while I sat at my office desk, with my door closed and stared outside the office window at the life below me, Anya sent me another text.
2:36 p.m.
“I so wanted to kiss you today! Just leaving the office!”
ME: “I really wanted to kiss you too but…Have a safe drive home.”
ANYA: “I love you.”
I sat on her “I love you” text and stared at it. I knew she did. Her love for me wasn’t in question. I just wished she was brave enough to take the next step. The next step toward redemption and truth with at least a promise. That’s all I wanted from her. Something I could hold on to and believe in. I realized without a promise from her, I was in limbo and incapacitated; paralyzed. My focus, my drive, my ambition seemed to die when I did inside. When I began to miss her, I couldn’t shake it. I just sat and stared, wondered and dreamt as I pleaded with the Universe to not bring me this far for nothing. That all I felt, the sacrifices I made in my personal life, a life no longer recognizable, was for no reason at all. That there was not a reason for everything, and not a heartache that leaves you wanting to exit life. That left you completely incapable of experiencing deep breaths with someone else. That left you only wanting to be by yourself if you couldn’t be with the only one who loves you.
About forty-five minutes later, I texted Anya “I love you” in return which set off a flurry of texts from her.
3:30 p.m.
“I’m sure you wonder why I can’t make a decision. I know u feel like u would do anything to be with me and if I felt the way you do I would make the decision to be with you.”
3:32 p.m.
“When I saw you today I just wanted to be in your arms. I miss you so much and love you. The difference between you and me is that I have kids. It’s a wonder how big that is.”
3:34 p.m.
“I wanted to kiss you and hold you freely. I wanted to sit down and have lunch freely with you. I’m so torn. It’s torture for me. I miss you so much but I get drawn in, kids.”
I loved she was open with me about how she felt as I appreciated her empathetic side whenever it made an appearance. In all fairness, she didn’t know how much her indecision was eating me up alive, bit by bit, but I wasn’t going to cry and pout even though inside I felt that way. I respected the fact she was torn because I wouldn’t have had much respect for her if she could turn her back on them. As much as this hurt to read, I loved and respected her sense of obligation to her kids. My problem was when we began our relationship, she convinced me this wouldn’t be an issue. If I had known, it would take a lot more than just someone being there for her to leave and our happiness would be pitted up against her kids, I would have never gotten involved, or if I did, would have no one to blame but myself. I’m not insinuating Anya tricked me, but I believed she discounted the gravitational pull that was our love for each other, that it was so great, her kids would not be affected and made to understand over time. I didn’t understand how her current indecision could exist unless there was something about her love for me that was not on par with mine. It didn’t mean she didn’t love me, it just meant she led me to believe a lot of things that encouraged and allowed me to fall in love with her without any fear of what I now experienced. I believed though, if she trusted in my love for her, and listened to her true self, which showed up every time she scheduled a time to meet me somewhere in the middle of her busy day, she would see us together as the best thing to do. Although a part of me reasoned I should cut off all contact, I believed her suffering would be intolerable, and the kids would be witness to it. I couldn’t pull away. I cared about her more than I cared about my emotional anguish. I just had to fight through this, I had to push myself through the flames to the cool breeze on the other side.
ME: “Babe, don’t feel bad b/c u can’t make a decision now. What r u going to do? Shake them u before the holidays? How fair would that be to them? My hope is this, and maybe you’ll never see this. I just feel if you were truly happy that this would be reflected upon your kids, and I think as great as a mom as you already are, I think you would be an even better mom if you were truly happy. That’s just the way I feel. I know you love me babe. That’s not a doubt and I understand why you’re unable to do the things that I can do to show you how much I love you. You didn’t need to explain babe.”
ANYA: “Thank u, babe. It was hard. I want so much to kiss you. It was a natural feeling. I love you, Landyn.”
ME: “We’re in the same boat. On the same team. Living the same dream. I love you too.”
Her indecision did bother me but at the same time, I loved her so much and looked upon her “indecision” as an opportunity to show her how much I cared about her. I had to go blind and see things through her eyes. After eleven months, I couldn’t stomach the thought of her staying with Jackson. I knew too much and felt too much to think otherwise. He was no good and his emotional and mental abuse drove her down this path, and at the very least she needed to acknowledge he brought out the worst on her, not the best in her. She needed to extricate herself from him one day, and if I wasn’t willing to suffer, she would be inclined to stay with him, her true tormentor. She told me if there were no kids involved she would have been gone, and if she truly felt that way, he’s not the one for her to be with. A huge part of me hoped Jackson would contact me, whether in person or on the phone. After he confronted her, I imagined all the things I’d say to him if he ever did. I wanted to tell him that his time was over. That he had his chance but cared of himself over her instead. In the name of love and all that was good, all that was worthy of believing in, I was here now to protect her, to fight for her honor and to love her.
That evening, Anya never sent me a goodnight text, and it stung. I began to replay the day in my head and the text exchanges we had. I was a mess after I left the store today, and I was absolutely useless when I returned to the office. I began to painfully realize I needed to withdraw myself from seeing her in public and on my lunch hour. It was too mentally debilitating. For the first time, I felt like a loser, unable to freely interact with the woman I loved. As if I had a huge crush on a girl who just thought I was cute. If I couldn’t show my love for her or vice versa, then I couldn’t put myself in those situations with her anymore if they only left me in a bipolar mood. Then again, I was tired, I had a lot on my mind with the stress of falling behind on my work yet again and the unknown variable regarding my mother’s illness, as I felt the world was crashing down upon me as I probably made a big deal about a missing “goodnight” text from someone who I already knew loved me.
When the morning arrived and I awoke on very little sleep, I knew the day was going to be a difficult one for me mentally based on my reaction from her morning text.
8:04 a.m.
Stolen story; please report.
“Good morning! Happy Friday!”
How could she possibly think today would be a “happy” one regardless of it being a Friday? We weren’t going to see each other as we made no future plans to do so. Happy Fridays didn’t exist anymore, they were just Fridays now as my mind oozed with sadness.
ME: “Good morning! Happy Friday! Sounds like you’re in good spirits today!”
ANYA: “How do you know I’m in good spirits?”
ME: “Your punctuation! I’m on to you!”
ANYA: “Don’t let the exclamation marks fool you! JK!”
ME: “Ha! Busy day babe?”
ANYA: “Home office today since I wasted all my time doing secretarial work yesterday! At least the letters are out! Have a great day babe! I love you!”
ME: “Please do the same! Love you too!”
I didn’t want her to feel unhappy, I just needed some assurance the sadness I felt was justified. I admired her attempt to think positive through another hard day for both of us as the missing tore us both to pieces. When I didn’t hear from her during my lunch break, I texted her to see how her day was going and she told me it was going well. I then sent her a text to tell her “I miss u”. Like the random sweet ones she used to send to me, but I never heard back from her; bizarre. I began to think since she didn’t contact me during lunch that she had made up her mind about us, and didn’t know how to tell me. For some reason, I just didn’t feel the love from her on this day as once again I lost my focus at work. As another hour passed and no response, I decided I couldn’t wait for fate and reached out to her about it.
3:17 p.m.
“Huh?”
Her “huh?” response annoyed me, as I felt how could you “huh?” a text message? It’s written out, plain as day. You can reread it to gain understanding as I didn’t leave anything open for interpretation as her response left me to feel she was playing games with my emotions.
ME: “I sent you a text earlier and thought maybe it got intercepted.”
ANYA: “What did u say?”
ME: “I miss you.”
ANYA: “I miss you too, but what did the message say.”
ME: “It said “I miss you”! Haha!”
ANYA: “Oh! Haha! I replied to that though.”
ME: “Really? I never got it. Did you say anything else?”
ANYA: “I said I miss you too and that I’m going to be so close to your place tonight.”
ME: “I’m so sorry! I never received it babe.”
ANYA: “No worries. I love you. I smile when I think about yesterday. We’d do anything to sneak a peek and say hi!”
ME: “I always love seeing you, babe. It doesn’t matter. I love you too.”
ANYA: “I’m going to be in Bloomingdales shopping around 6:45 w/Carolyn. Dinner reservation is at 7:30 at Charlie Palmers which is connected to Bloomingdales. Can I text u later to let you know where I will be?”
ME: “Sure! Text me later!”
I thought I may be able to run to the mall to see her, like the one time when she was there with Katie at Abercrombie & Fitch. It would mean the world to me to just be able to see her even for a few minutes. Just something to make the Friday night go a little smoother emotionally. I was just having a hard time getting my mind back into my work when I saw her for intervals in the afternoon.
An hour later I received a call from her that threatened my chance at seeing her.
6:10 p.m.
“Call me.”
Whenever I received a text like this I always expected the worst as it reminded me of the time we were at Sonomas and her friend made a scene that threatened the end of our relationship. I then mustered up the strength to comply with her demand.
“Hi babe.” she said as she picked up the phone.
“Hey Sweetheart.” I said with hesitance in my voice. “Are you at the mall?”
“I am. Do you think it’s ok if I come by and visit you at your place?”
I was in complete shock when she asked me as it was not on my mind as a possibility. Since I didn’t expect to see her, I would have to get cleaned up shaved and showered.
“Yes! What time do you want to come by?”
“Is a half hour okay/”
“See you in a half hour!”
“Great! I love you!”
“I love you!”
Up against the clock, I got ready to shave and jump in the shower, but in my haste, I cut myself shaving. Whenever I did that, the bleeding never seemed to cease. After I finished my shower, the blood from the cut continued to ruin my evening. By the time Anya arrived, I succumbed to the certainty I would have a small piece of tissue hanging from my face, but something funny happened on my way to the gate to meet her, the bleedings stopped. A small and subtle, yet another sign the universe was on at least my side.
As I let Anya in, it seemed I hadn’t seen her in months. Her surprise visit meant a lot to me after I had a hard day without her, after I missed her so much after our meeting at Wholefoods, the first time I took notice of these manic depressant episodes I had. As the joy I experienced when we were together heightened while the sadness during the times we spent apart intensified as well. There was no in between, no middle ground and no balance in emotions. It was either one extreme or the other as the schism between them widened further each day.
Her visit was sweet and meant the world to me, even if it was only for a half hour as her love for me was on full display. She came to my place in high heels which made me fantasize about her dream in a living room chair, but I refrained as the mere thought aroused me. The attire she chose to wear seemed to reach a whole new level in beauty, as I took her in when she got inside my apartment.
“Were you just checking me out?” she asked as she turned around and caught me in her beauty.
“You caught me red handed.”
“I never thought you checked me out.”
“I always check you out! I’m just suave about it.”
“Suave? Or sneaky?”
“You can throw a little sneaky in there if you wish.”
She then came into my arms, her huge smile and beautiful face in tow and fed her lips to me. We just stood in my apartment, my living room area in particular where we danced, where we fell for each other over and over again, as we kissed for the next thirty minutes. No small talk. No breaths. Just living off one another as we merged into one person. Although her visit was brief, and she hit me with a party she attended the following evening, it was especially hard to watch pure beauty leave me. The thirty minutes felt like we spent the day together as it gave me more hope than ever she would soon promise me one day for us to be together.
When she returned to the mall and before she sat down with Carolyn for dinner, she sent me a text.
7:04 p.m.
“Thank you! I love you!”
I responded back to thank her and to let her know she could come by on short notice any time she wanted in the hope I’d get to see her more often if these opportunities presented themselves. I’d give her a key if she wanted it. That’s how much I trusted and missed her. My place was her place.
As I prepared myself for bed, now that I took my human dose of valium, she sent me a late text.
11:02 p.m.
“Just finished dinner. Can you call me?”
“I miss you” she said as she answered the phone.
“I miss you too, babe. Can’t thank you enough for stopping by. Such a great surprise!”
“Thank you for letting me visit you! I miss you so much, babe. You have no idea. I am so in love with you. I really miss our closeness.”
“I know the feeling. I feel the same way.” I said. “If you ever feel like coming over just let me know. I’ll always want to see you.”
“I hurt my ankle again running.”
“Oh babe. I’m sorry to hear that. When did you hurt it?”
“Last week. I haven’t been running, just riding the bike.”
“You seemed okay to me when you came by earlier. I wish I could take care of your ankle for you.” I said. “I dream of being able to do things like that for you if we were together. I’d carry you around. You might find me a pain in the ass but you’re my girl and I would love to do things like that for you. Speaking of ankles, how is Katie’s holding up?”
“Her ankle is healing…babe I have to go.”
“Ok.” I said as she abruptly hung up the phone.
I wanted to let her know she didn’t have to call me back as it was late but never got the chance to, but while I wondered what happened, she returned my call.
“I’m sorry babe, Andrew just called me so I had to hang up to take his call.”
“Is he okay?”
“He’s fine. Just wondering when I was coming home.”
I began to believe Jackson asked Andrew to “call mom”. Although Andrew could very well want to know when she was coming home. If Jackson knew about her visiting me instead of staying with Katie at her friend’s bat mitzvah, then I wouldn’t have put this past him. I knew it was a Friday night, but Andrew was ten years old. Shouldn’t he have been in bed past eleven p.m.? If Jackson were to call her, he might be on even thinner ice, so it made sense he would use the kids to learn of her whereabouts, but it also led me to further dislike him because of the tactics he chose to utilize as it provided me with more evidence of a marriage that lacked trust and respect, as it should. Even as I pondered these things, I really hoped I was wrong about him using the kids to exert emotional control over her.
“He knows you’re on your way home now, doesn’t he?”
“Oh, yes. I told him.” she confirmed. “What are you up to?”
“I’m just here pondering some things in my life.”
“Like what? Us?” she asked.
I had to catch myself as I worried she might believe I was having second thoughts about us, and after the momentum I had built and the great time we both just had, I didn’t want to give her that impression, so I decided to come clean about something I hadn’t told her yet.
“Actually, it’s my mom.”
“What’s wrong with your mom?”
“The doctor told her that the cancer has spread to her liver and her lungs.” I revealed.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry.” she said in a very somber tone.
“I think they caught it early though babe.” I said. “She’s starting chemotherapy next week. Her prognosis is good the doctors told her.”
“I see.” she said as it seemed she didn’t fully accept the positive outlook for some reason. “Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.”
“Thank you.” I said. “I appreciate that. I’ve been wanting to share that with you but didn’t want to distract you from your children. I probably would have kept it from you, but I didn’t want you to think I was worried about us. I know your heart is in the right place. Babe. Your visit tonight. Your phone calls. It meant a lot to me.”
“I love you.”
“I know you do. I love you too.”
When I got off the phone with Anya, after a night full of love and happiness, my heart began to ache for her like never before as I wondered when I would see her again. The hardest part of our relationship was the unknown variable that brought upon the intense longing to not be alone anymore. Even if I were truly single, I now loved her, and I wasn’t the type of person to jump into another relationship when I felt so much for someone else. The only way I could ever get over Anya would be to hate her, and I knew no matter what she did to me short of death, that would never happen, and who knows, even if she tried to kill me I’d probably forgive her for it.
When Anya got home she sent me another text, a late one I always loved to receive.
11:53 p.m.
“Goodnight babe. I love you so much.”
ME: “I love you very much. Goodnight, Beautiful.”
ANYA: “I still blush when you say that.”
ME: “Every time I’m with you babe I’m in the presence of true beauty. I feel so lucky every time. Thank you for loving me. I love you forever.”
ANYA: “Awww babe. You’re so sweet. Thank you for loving me. I love you forever.”
I tried not to think ahead to her party the next evening as I basked in her love, when she left the mall to come and see me. I’m thankful Carolyn understood as well what we felt for each other and allowed it to happen before dinner, at a time they usually went shopping. The selfless part of Anya, the true part of her when she couldn’t deny the need for me. When she paid attention to the reason we met, the reason she approached me. The reason she allowed me into her life. It was a very sweet thing she did for me on this night and something I would never forget. I always wanted to love her and not have any ill feelings when I come across bouts of frustration. I tried not to tell her about my mother, but Anya was my best friend. If I couldn’t share that with her, there was no one I could share it with. I don’t want to make her feel bad for what she is doing. I’m going to be there for her when she stumbled, whenever she fell I’m going to catch her. I believed she was doing the right thing for now, even as I felt I deserved at least a promise. It’s all I wanted right now, just a promise to leave, as I felt after all we’ve shared it would be the right thing to do so it would make me feel more secure about her love for me. With that safety, I felt there was no threat of pressure from me, and no further need to convince her to choose the light of the truth. It would also undoubtedly help with the missing on my end knowing the day will come when I could tell her I do with my own vows I would write especially for her so she knew I would always honor and cherish her even beyond death.
The next morning, Anya sent me a text that captured all I felt.
8:20 a.m.
“Good morning. Haven’t stopped thinking about you. I miss you.”
I woke up that morning with a sense of uneasiness, a strange unsettled feeling, and I didn’t know why as it left me nauseated. I began to conclude the more I saw her, the more I longed for her, and every positive step towards us gave me immense hope she would promise to be with me. After Jackson confronted her about who I was, regardless if he thought my last name was Landman, there was now zero trust in her marriage. He had someone follow her, and quite possibly someone she didn’t even know, a complete stranger. How could she still consider staying in a marriage where your spouse taps or bugs your phone line? A spouse who asked his own children to make a call to mom to see where she was? If I thought her staying was a big mistake before Jackson’s reveal, it would now indeed be tragic if she stayed. This was officially no longer a marriage as my frustration and pain had me in contemplation of contacting Jackson myself to let him off the hook. To let him know phone tapping and private investigators were no longer needed. I hated to be a part of this lie, and I never thought she would ever allow me to be a part of it, but I only temporarily agreed to it until she figured things out, and I believed in her love enough to believe she would see all I did, that even her kids wouldn’t be enough to blind her to the truth she now faced, whether she wanted to or not.
After I exchanged my mutual feelings with her, I texted her later that morning to see how she was doing, but she was at her son’s soccer game in San Juan Capistrano. Later that afternoon however, she caught up with me.
3:07 p.m.
“I miss you. I loved it when our faces touched last night.”
As I read her text, I wondered why should she should be denied such a simple thing in life after being betrayed several times? My heart ached for her further to have simple things in her life such as this.
ME: “I wish I could still feel your face against mine. I miss you too.”
ANYA: “I love you babe. What r u up to?”
ME: “I’m thinking about moving my big screen television into my room and getting a new one for the living room. How did Andrew’s soccer team do? Are you home?”
ANYA: “Yes back from San Juan. They won! Taking my sewing machine in to get fixed cuz Andrew and his business partner want to “sew” new wallets. The things I do…”
ME: “Just doing the things all good moms do! I think that’s very sweet of you.”
As I read her text, I thought of my mom, and the things she would do for me. The time she got me the electric football game for Christmas, on the same day I asked for it, and all the times she bought me a whole box of baseball cards in the summer. Anya “mommed” like my mother “mommed” and it made me more upset with Jackson’s philandering and the manner in which he confronted her about it in an attempt to gain control and to end her happiness.
ANYA: “Thanks babe. It’s part of my job description! Well they are working on using new material. Though I think the whole thing is a big “lemonade stand”. I have to support him. Learning opportunity.”
ME: “I’m sure even Bill Gates started somewhere babe. Even with a “lemonade stand” venture of some kind. I think I’m going to go work out before I set up my television.”
ANYA: “Ur good! Ur so disciplined! I admire that about you.”
ME: “Ha! I try to be!”
I tried to work out as often as I could. I worked out even more than before as I felt I needed to be perfect and consistent in my routine to make her decision harder than it would be than if I were to just let myself go.
About twenty-five minutes later, she shot me a sweet text that encouraged me to dream even more than I did about us.
4:25 p.m.
“Air Supply is playing in Feb at the OC Performing Arts Center.”
I didn’t know how to respond because I didn’t want to make her feel bad about our current status, but there was no holding back how I felt.
ME: “I wish I could see them with you.”
ANYA: “I know. Me too.”
For the next thirty minutes, there was nothing but a sad acknowledged silence, one that embraced our current separation and the distance that seemed to widen between us as Anya tried to find a balance with the next text she sent me.
5:22 p.m.
“I love you forever.”
All I could do was respond to her text in kind to meet her without the knowledge but with the fear of our future together. At six minutes after eight on a Saturday evening, she sent me a good night text followed by an “I love you babe”, and I never felt more fear of losing her as the missing intensified on this night.
I knew I wouldn’t sleep much through the night as I rarely went to bed early on the weekends anyway. I decided to clean a dresser drawer of mine as I pulled out a lot of old photos of better happier times in my life with friends. The guy who used to be me, a person I could hardly recognize, as I even felt disgusted when I looked at him. I began to wonder if I ever knew who I really was until I met Anya as I realized over the last eleven months, through her, I learned who I truly was, and what I believed to be destined for, and I couldn’t fathom for a second my fate through love was my complete self-destruction. That all the love I felt would not lead to life, but instead to death. I then stumbled upon a book, a girl I dated for two months gave me during Christmas time, “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho. It was just one of those books that stayed with me and although things never worked out with the girl I dated, it was a very sweet gift, and before I met Anya the best gift a girl had ever given me. I enjoyed the book and many of the words written as my discovery and the book’s message came at a desperate time for both Anya and I myself as I began to read some of the book’s best passages.
“It’s this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what’s happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That’s the world’s greatest lie.”
“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.”
“There’s only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”
“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”
“Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.”
“That’s what alchemists do. They show that, when we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too.”
An alchemist is defined as someone who transforms or creates something through a seemingly magical process. Anya and I were both alchemists in our own right, as we made something out of nothing, our love. As I read through the book to passages I highlighted when I read the book years ago, I thought Anya and I needed to remember these things. Especially how important our dream of being together one day was, and to strive for something better than we were as everything around us would become better, too. This was the way I felt about her situation. That if she chose the dream, the path of honesty, she would become a better person, even a better mother, as everything around her would become better to. We had to find a way to return to the alchemy that brought us here to keep our dream alive, and somehow believe and not only wish that we could attend an Air Supply concert together one day.
Upon my discovery of these passages, I also found an elixir for a good night’s rest within them. I then sent a text to ask Anya if she ever read the book when the new day arrived.
10:03 a.m.
“Good morning. It was on our book club list but have not read it. Katie has. I miss u babe.”
When I sent Anya my good morning text, I included an exclamation point after “morning” so it was impossible for me not to notice an exclamation point was missing from her morning salutation. I could tell she had a hard time for some reason as I worried if Jackson had another talk with her.
ME: “I really enjoyed it. I found it last night cleaning my dresser out. How was the party? How r u?”
ANYA: “I’m good. Just missing u. Party was ok. How r u?”
ME: “I’m good. Just missing you too.”
I felt Anya’s pain as it was simple to do when you felt the same thing. She texted me later that morning to see what I was up to, and I got my hopes up that maybe she would want to meet for tea however “sufficing her missing” was not on her schedule as she had work to do around the house, particularly in Katie’s bedroom. She also told me Carolyn reminded her that she did read “The Alchemist” in their book club but she claimed to have missed that meeting. She then told me she was certain she had the book in her library and would check it out when she got the chance to as I hoped if she did read it, a passage would resonate inside of her enough to see the good in our dream. Later that afternoon, I received a text from her that unknowingly helped me get through a lonely day without her.
3:18 p.m.
“Thinking of u.”
ME: “Thank you, Sweetheart. I’m thinking of u too. I miss you, Beautiful.”
ANYA: “I miss you too.”
ME: “” Don’t give in to your fears. If you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.” That’s a passage from “The Alchemist” babe. “Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.”, “The simple things are also the most extraordinary things, and only the wise can see them.”, “One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving”. Those are some more passages from the book.”
ANYA: “That’s so beautiful. That’s so us. I’m going to read it. I love you forever.”
ME: “I think you’ll enjoy it babe. I think you were meant to read it now instead of reading when your book club did. I love you forever.”
As I ended our textversation, I realized for the first time there was a reason we met people in our lives, why I met the girl I dated, another relationship that yet again didn’t work out for me; so she could gift me “The Alchemist” so I could use it one day to help save my relationship with Anya, the woman I was meant to be with especially inspired by the passage “And, when you want something all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
With the positive thoughts flowing from “The Alchemist” passages I read, I texted Anya to see how she was doing, and her response was quick and to the point.
7:38 p.m.
“Sorry out to dinner w/kids.”
I tried to not let her response get me down, but it did. I had put my heart and soul into loving her, something she allowed and encouraged me to do. She wanted to hear everything and asked for me not to hold back. With Denise, it was the opposite. She didn’t want to hear anything and I learned why months later; that she didn’t love me. It made me question why Anya wanted to hear these things. Did she want to hear them because she loved me? Or did she want to hear them because she knew she was married and wasn’t technically with me? This created a blur in my heart. No question I loved her, but it began to feel maybe she loved with no restraint because I knew she was married, and she felt I should know we couldn’t be together. The more I thought about this possibility, the more anguish I began to feel about our situation. This situation I was told would change if she fell in love with me. A situation that would be non-existent regardless of the kids she informed me of, now seventeen months ago, well before she agreed to the terms of our relationship. I gave her time though. She wasn’t ready. She didn’t have to leave now, and I didn’t want her to until my promotion was in place and secure, but if she truly loved me, wouldn’t she at least give me a promise? She knew I loved her. She knew I was loyal to her regardless of the status of our relationship. Did she think by not making me a promise I would take the freedom to date other women after all I shared with her? I wasn’t her husband who took that liberty in their marriage, and even if I had all the options in the world, I would choose her. If I had a choice between Raquel Welch in her prime and Anya, I would choose Anya over and over again. All I felt was that deep. She was my hero as much as I was hers. All I did was return the favor, but I felt maybe I was the antagonist. The man who wanted to hurt her children because I wanted to be with the woman I loved who also wanted to wear my ring? Did she feel any responsibility to me after all I did for her? I understood her plight and the concern she had for her kids, but how could she think so negatively? If Jackson was not as well off as he was, would she be gone? It seemed Jackson’s money is what kept her there. Not the kids and that was my greatest fear when I first met her, and she knew that. I voiced it. She told me money and things didn’t lead to happiness. Nothing was impossible. Kids are resilient. Divorces happened all the time. She would rather die than never have me in her life. She needed me like she needed air. Please don’t leave me. How come I couldn’t hold her to those words yet I could only hold her to her words “I told you I couldn’t promise anything”? I began to feel by not at least making a promise to be together one day that all these things she told me that encouraged my love to grow for her, were not true, and that scared me to death because it could lead me there.
I then began to think about the time she told me she didn’t expect to fall in love. I wanted to ask her “then what were you expecting”? Just a sexual relationship even when we spoke of love. about love. and connected through it the very first night we met? Why wouldn’t she tell me about the strong ties to her neighborhood; that her and Jackson wanted to keep the appearances up of a happy perfect neighborhood couple? The problems her kids faced if she divorced? Her employees’ dependence on their company and how a divorce would take them out of a job? What her friends and family would think about her if she divorced Jackson? Her devotion to the Jewish temple, Jackson’s religion, and her congregation? Why omit these things? And if you love me so much to feel it necessary to omit them, then why not make at least a promise? If she didn’t expect to fall in love, after she knew it was all I was about the very first night I met her, then did she just expect a fling since her husband did the same? As these negative thoughts began to gain steam, my mood again went from hope to hopelessness as I felt the bipolar shift, as if the ice caps melted in my world and drowned all the positive living thoughts I needed to help me breathe.
I found myself in a corner. If I said anything to defend myself, I would be applying pressure. I had to ask myself a real hard question once again; where’s the real pressure if you want to be with someone? If you want to wear their ring? Why couldn’t I hold her to these words but could hold her to words such as “I need space to figure things out.”. I knew she truly loved her kids and cared about them but why did she allow me to be so close to her, enough to even share their lives with me that made me fall in love with them too? I’d love to be her friend, to be there for her through this hard time, but I never started off as her friend. How could I go to just being a friend when I’ve shared every part of myself, even my soul, with her? At the same time, I couldn’t deny the sweetness of Friday night. How I felt so close to her, I shared my mother’s condition with her because she knew me so intimately. Then I thought about how much she cared for me, the look in her eyes whenever we were together, and it’s easy to trust in her love. It’s when she is away now that I struggle so much, as I didn’t know what direction she was being pulled in. I knew when she’s with me what her destination is, but whenever she departed I felt in the dark. Friday night was a prime example of her love for me. Anytime she could get away or is near, she always found a way to reach me. And who knows? Maybe she worried about me seeing me with another girl, like Diane Lane’s character did in “Unfaithful” when she saw her lover with someone else, and it drove her to the point of madness. I could tell she was sad on this morning about something. She did something tonight she is not too thrilled about doing. After this flood of negativity washed over me, I found something positive to grasp on to that made me realize the failure of my past relationships latched me down at times where I could look at things the wrong way. All I wanted was to be with the one who wanted to be with me. The one who wanted to wear my ring. Why was this so difficult to have? Wouldn’t most people have this by now, or at least a promise? I guess I just missed her.
I decided to not send her a goodnight text as I didn’t hear from her the rest of the night. When Monday morning came, the tenth day of November, I began to feel more like the disease and not the cure, one she needed to eradicate as I didn’t hear from her once again. As the afternoon I arrived, I thought she might send a text, but it never came, and when my work day had reached it end, I felt so did our relationship. That all the negative thoughts I harbored the night before came to fruition. My entire work day went to waste, unable to concentrate. As I got in my car to go home, I decided after dinner I would shut off my phone and go to bed to not deal with the horrific emotions I carried, but before I could start my car to begin my drive home, she reached me.
5:17 p.m.
“Hope you’re ok. Been reading “The Alchemist”.”
Anya had texted me “I love you” countless times over the last eleven months, but this descript “I love you” text meant more to me on one of the absolute toughest days of my life as it brought me to tears.
ME: “I’m ok, babe. How r u? Do you like the book?”
ANYA: “I’m ok. Can’t tell. Trying to get into it. Only on page 35. Will try to finish it tonight.”
ME: “Oh wow, you think you can finish it tonight?”
ANYA: “I said I’ll try. It seems like an easy read.”
After a hard night and day, Anya’s snippy “I said I’ll try” brought me back down to the cold earth. I figured I would wish her a preemptive goodnight and just end our conversation there and not set myself up for any more heartache I couldn’t afford to feel.
ME: “Well, I hope you can finish it tonight if you can. I’ll let you go so you can read. Have a goodnight babe.”
I then put my phone away, and began to drive home, but five minutes before I got home, about twenty minutes later, she texted me again. I refused to look at my phone right away as I figured she just wished me a goodnight too, but I was way off when I finally did.
5:42 p.m.
“What r u up to?”
ME: “I didn’t sleep very well last night so I plan on just going to bed. I take it you’re out running the kids around and on homework duty tonight?
ANYA: “No. Not tonight. I’m alone. I’m at the S and S Hotel. Been crying all day. Came here to clear my head and listen to the waves. Maybe an “old wise man” of my own will appear. JK. I’m ok.”
The sum of all the times I shared with Anya still could not equate to the significance of this text I just received from her. She is staying at the same hotel we stayed in Laguna Beach together, with a book I told her about and with tears that fell because she missed me. I couldn’t believe what I read as it resembled the closest thing to a promise I could receive from her and along with it, it appeared she also did the right thing and left Jackson.
ME: “Babe. Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Are you okay? I’m really worried about you.”
ANYA: “Yes. Just need to clear my head.”
I decided not to respond to her text but to answer it in the most profound way I could. There are moments in life you had to seize. They were few and far between, but when they came you had to bring energy to them to produce movement; movement toward your dreams. This was my chance to prove my love to her, and I had to reach her, the way she reached for me. I just couldn’t allow her to live this way anymore, and even though I believed Jackson would be there as well, to fight for what he believed in too, the time arrived for me to confront my own fate and destiny as Anya’s own life weighed in the balance.