“If you could only see the way she loves me

Then maybe you will understand.

Why I feel this way about our love

And what I must do.”

~ “If You Could Only See” Tonic

I left my mother’s house that day, with a better understanding of what was wrong about our relationship. The reason Anya felt it was wrong as well; its dishonest nature. I felt at this point, after all we’ve shared, its temporary deceit would turn into a permanent truth as Katie and Andrew were the only reason our partnership remained a false entity. Ultimately, it was up to Jackson to stay on the path he already treaded upon and go the full distance to learn the truth, but the secretive nature of our relationship did make it wrong, and if I thought for a second this relationship would be based on a secret, even ten months long, I definitely wouldn’t have pursued Anya in any way, but now I was deeply entrenched as my happiness was on the line too even in the midst of a necessary secret for the protection of her children. With only a lifetime of sadness and the pain of failure with women to fall back on, I was at the mercy of the universe as it was made more difficult, however I knew what was at stake for me, and if this didn’t work out, I would feel more like a widower than a divorcee. The love Anya and I shared day in and day out, the good and the bad, was not only of this world, but everything everyone in this world should hold out for. Now that I knew what love truly felt like, I knew I would never settle for anything less than all I felt for Anya which would keep me single for eternity if this didn’t work out as I only wanted to share all I felt with Anya and with no one else. If she felt anything close to the way I did, and she had to if she truly was in love with me, I had to convince her of what was now at stake for both of us; a lifetime worth of loneliness and sadness. Even though I feared she may still harbor some feelings for Jackson, enough to at least stay with him and be okay with it, I also believed there was no way after what she experienced with me she ever could simply because she was no longer the same person he knew. She now knew true love not only existed but it also truly existed for her, as I believed she could never return to a marriage that lacked trust, mutual love and respect because she now had all those things with me. All I had to do now was convince her of the importance of pursuing an honest life so our relationship would forever be right.

When Anya told, me she hated her life, I then made it my mission in life to see she loved it. I felt it was important for her to have if she went through such great lengths to have it as she proved it every day with every text she sent me. I loved and cared for her deeply enough to put my own happiness on the back burner but a past buried in my subconscious had wrecked my life and left me with scars I couldn’t see no matter how hard I tried to tuck them away. When I thought of all the moments we shared and how every one of them were simply the best moments of my life, ten months was too long ago to walk away from. Through music and through movies, the mundane nature of each day never existed, and with that certainty, I couldn’t walk away from it as Anya became a necessity in my life. I had to save her from Jackson, but the problem was felt like a luxury to Anya, more than a necessity, but I also felt she would live an unnecessarily abbreviated life if she truly hated it. The stress, the sadness, the deception would eventually take everything that remained and I loved her too much to allow it to happen as I had to make her realize it’s why I was a necessity in her life; something she too admitted when she told me she would rather die than never have me in her life. I loved her. If she died, I did too. If she loved me, then she would trust me. If she didn’t, if she was truly only in love with being in love and I was just the vehicle she used to feel again, like the car left behind after a bank heist, my life would be abbreviated as well. The truth was simply this; there was too much at stake now to simply walk away or to see our relationship as wrong.

Later that evening, Anya sent me a text.

8:49 p.m.

“Hi baby! How was your day?”

ME: “It was good! How was yours? How was the 100 days party?”

ANYA: “It was good b/c I was thankful for us and it got me through the day! The party was fun! Too much food! Going for a walk now w/Carolyn. I miss u.”

ME: “When you think about it people have to pay money to read books and see movies to experience what we’ve found in each other. I had a good day just thinking about that. Say hi to Carolyn for me. I miss u too.”

ANYA: “You are so right!!! I will!!! I love you forever!!!”

After what I witnessed when we saw “Night in Rodanthe”, all the couples in the theater, and their applause when Adrienne chose happiness over sadness, wat I texted was as true a statement as any. If she believed that much, then the wrong in our love could ever exist.

I didn’t want Anya to feel obligated to text me “goodnight” after her walk so I texted her “goodnight”, but she responded.

9:53 p.m.

“R u writing?”

ME: “Take a guess what I’m writing about, babe?”

ANYA: “About yesterday?”

ME: “I can’t fool you!”

ANYA: “The best day ever!”

ME: “So true! Honestly. one of the best days of my life.”

ANYA: “We had 3 mini dates! We were perfectly happy to just meet! How lucky we both are to have found something so beautiful! I love you!”

ME: “I agree, babe, but I feel I’m the lucky one. I love you, Sweetheart!”

ANYA: “I just love you! I better say goodnight! Sweet dreams my love!”

Even though the morning didn’t start off well, the day couldn’t have gone much better after I visited my mom and I received her sweet goodnight texts as I believed if she could see the beauty in us, then she could never see the wrong in us. In our world, contracts were broken every day, and no one is going to hell for them.

The following day, an unusual non-dreadful Monday for me, I sent Anya a good morning text.

8:02 a.m.

“Good morning! Woke up with your taste in my mouth! Glad we kissed on Saturday! Will get me through this week! How r u?”

Every Monday I always made a conscious effort not to bug Anya during the day as the start of the week always seemed the busiest for her, but now it seemed Mondays were no longer the same for her as she kept me up to date on her day throughout it.

11:53 a.m.

“It’s raining here, babe. I can’t wait until rainy season, makes me think of you. Hope ur having a good day.”

12:15 p.m.

“Seattle forecast calls for rain on Friday.”

7:49 p.m.

“Hi baby! Busy? R u at ur mom’s house? I miss u.”

8:41 p.m.

“Blew off Jewish new year (Rosh Hashanah) services tonight to get caught up. Not enough hours in the day. Was helping Andrew study for a math test.”

8:49 p.m.

“Trying to get caught up on the new too. Looks like the biggest drop in Wall Street since the failure of the bailout. Asia dropped drastically too. Btw did you hear Wachovia was bought out by CitiGroup? Afraid to look at my statements. Keep watching those house prices fall though! You’ll find the perfect one with a yard! Buyers market!”

9:06 p.m.

“I love that our feelings for each other are so mutual. I think you felt every bit of happiness I felt each time we got together on Saturday. It was precious. I love you Landyn!”

My Mondays were now so much better with Anya in my life as they seemed to carry a Friday feel. To hear from her throughout the day, especially on a Monday, showed how far we had come, but those days I hardly heard from her scared me now. It was nice to read she blew off Jewish New Years as it represented an act of defiance against him in my eyes because Jackson was Jewish and she wasn’t before she met him. Her absence from the Rosh Hashanah service gave me hope she planned to send a promise my way, especially if he pressured her and especially if I bought a house with a yard; for Suki.

The next day brought upon us a day of special significance as it always made me feel good whenever she remembered.

9:10 p.m.

“Good morning! Today is the 30th! How r u?”

ME: “10 months to the day! I’m good! I have to bring my car to the shop today though. How r u, Lovely?”

ANYA: “10 months! What’s wrong with your car? I’m fine baby. Just getting ready to go to services. Don’t want to go.”

ME: “If they are anything like a catholic mass, those services can’t be much fun. My car is really low on oil so I need to get an oil change. I’ve been putting it off for too long.”

ANYA: “Oh I see. U know how to check for oil? JK!”

ME: “Haha! Believe it or not, I’m kind of a handy man sometimes, babe! Beautiful day today!”

ANYA: “Ha! It is a beautiful day! Ur not going to believe it but I’m blowing off services again so I can work. Oh well, I don’t care.”

ME: “Not enough hours in the day sometimes.”

ANYA: “Not enough hours for sure. Well I better get to it. I miss u. I love u.”

Ten months of the greatest love and the greatest pain I had ever known. The love trumped all the pain even though I spent many more days now stuffing it inside and away from her. I loved her so dearly as she became my reason for being so it was all I could do to survive. I reasoned I’d rather deal with her inconsistent behavior than live a life of consistent emptiness forever. In my heart and mind, Anya was more my wife more than my girlfriend, and I felt not to love her at this point, to be disloyal in anyway would be criminal, especially under the circumstances. As much fun as it was, I took our relationship very seriously because of her children as I got in this for the simple reason to love her, and to save her from herself. The problem I began to further ignore as time passed and as my love for her grew was that I probably needed more saving than anyone.

Later that same afternoon, I inquired electronically to see how her workday was coming along.

ANYA: “Ur so sweet babe. Getting stuff done! I miss u too! How’s your day?”

ME: “It’s going good! What time are you flying out on Friday?”

ANYA: “8 a.m. out of OC. My mom is already telling me to eat breakfast b4 I show up at the airport! Unbelievable! Going to be a long a long weekend! I’ll miss u!”

ME: “Oh really? Is your mom aggressive and demanding? You’re not going to Seattle alone now? I’ll miss u too, especially on Saturday.”

ANYA: “Ha! No, she’s not. She’s actually very sweet and passive. Yes, my parents decided to join me but we’re flying to Seattle then driving to Lake Louise in Canada from there together for the wedding. Why especially on Saturday? Is it b/c of last Saturday or b/c I’ll be at a wedding?

ME: “Oh, I see. It’s definitely both, babe.”

ANYA: “I know! I’m going to witness two people in love and committing to a lifetime. I’ll be jealous. I’ll be daydreaming about last Saturday.”

ME: “I wish I could be there to witness it with your hand in mine. Always remember, we both have what they do in some way. I love you.”

ANYA: “I love you babe.”

After last Saturday, and to know she was in attendance at a wedding to witness two people in love certainly would make it a difficult weekend for me as I now anticipated sadness well before it happened. Then again, I was also happy because she wasn’t at home with Jackson.

Later that evening she let me know via text how much she missed me as her gesture transformed itself into a heartfelt conversation.

6:29 p.m.

“Just hugged Suki wishing I was hugging u.”

ME: “I hope Suki is breathing okay! How was your day, babe?”

ANYA: “Ha! Yes babe! Just finished office work. Feels good to catch up! How was urs? Home now? Still holding Suki.”

ME: “Ha! I never thought I’d ever find myself envying a dog! I’m home now, babe. Got home about 15 minutes ago. It was a good day. I got a lot done as well.”

ANYA: “Glad you had a good day! Suki is sick of me! She tried to get away a couple of times but I wouldn’t let her. Poor baby Suki. I miss u babe.”

ME: “Suki just doesn’t realize how good she has it! I miss u too, babe. Well, if it means anything I would never try to escape your arms. This might sound weird but it sure doesn’t feel like we’ve been together for only ten months. It feels like we’ve been together for at least a few years.”

ANYA: “I know! Crazy right? We’ve shared so much.”

ME: “Hard to believe we’ve shared so much in such a short amount of time. I’m glad we’ve been able to see each other as much as we have.”

ANYA: “Me too, babe. My friends still send me stories about Buble cuz they are immature and won’t drop it. Anyway, I was reading the latest story they had emailed me about Buble. The story quotes him saying he and his girlfriend only see each other 2-3 months because they are so busy. Well they broke up after a couple of years.”

ME: “That’s why most celebrity relationships never last. They have no time for each other than in the beginning and relationships are both a commitment of time and effort. If you want it to work, you’ll simply make time. You’ll miss them too much not to. If you don’t truly miss them, then you’ll get together every 2-3 months or when it’s convenient. That’s not a form of love I personally believe in, and I believe that’s why these celebrity relationships never last. It’s almost as if they are acting, more worried about their image, than what they feel for that person. So, are you ready for Seattle? Do you wear a robe at all in the morning? I was fantasizing about a rainy morning in Seattle with you.”

ANYA: “My robe! I usually alternate between my two faves. One is white and the other is pink. A rainy morning in Seattle sounds so romantic.”

ME: “I never believed our kind of love existed; where I always wanted to be around the person I loved, but I think it’s because you’re my best friend too. I honestly don’t know how I’d ever be able to stay away from you if we were ever together. I love being with you. We talk throughout the day now and I enjoy every minute. I gets me out of the bed in the morning.”

ANYA: “I would love u so much u would get sick of my closeness!”

ME: “Oh u think so, huh? Try me! Haha! I would love it! I’d hold you like you were just holding Suki! I wish I could be with you in Seattle. I remember flying over a snow-capped Mount Rainer coming into the airport and how majestic it looked. The city ended up being as well.”

ANYA: “There must be something about Seattle. I wonder why Seattle is mentioned so many times in movies and songs. I imagine Seattle to be a romantic city.”

ME: “Well, considering “Sleepless in Seattle” was a popular movie, and especially with how much it rains there, I’m certain it is.”

ANYA: “Very old movie.”

ME: “Tell me about it”

ANYA: “I want to go to Seattle with you.”

I fell instantly in love when I saw this text as I read it over and over before I responded as it perfectly aligned with so many other wants of mine; another dream to achieve.

ME: “Just waking up and going to sleep with you in my arms, near a fire as the sound of the soothing rain falls outside. I don’t think I’d ever want to leave.”

ANYA: “Sounds beautiful.”

ME: “Just like you.”

ANYA: “I love you.”

ME: “I love you too, sweetheart.”

ANYA: “It sounds so amazing babe. That’s not asking for much.”

ME: “Not for two people who truly love each other.”

ANYA: “I know. Make me sad. And mad.”

ME: “Well, you know…”

ANYA: “Ha! I know what you want to say “then do something about it.”

ME: “Well, the reality is it’s not that simple. If there were no Katie and Andrew in the picture. I’d probably come get you.”

ANYA: “Really? U could be entering into a battlefield!”

I was a bit thrown off by her “U could be entering into a battlefield” statement. Where did “battlefield” come from and why? Why would I be entering a “battlefield” if she wanted to be with me? I didn’t understand why she would choose to use such a word. Would she pick up a weapon and join the fight? Would my life be in danger if I ever did? Was this said to discourage me? If she truly loved me, a battlefield simply didn’t exist. How did she go from “I want to go to Seattle with you” to “You could be entering into a battlefield.” Why would I have to battle for something I already had according to her? Or maybe, I just took her word choice the wrong way.

ME: “Well, I guess love is a battlefield. According to Pat Benatar anyway. I wouldn’t come get you to hurt anyone, babe, but it also doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be willing to die for you if I had to.”

ANYA: “I can’t believe you would say that. That is the ultimate sacrifice.”

ME: “It’s not that I want to die, it just means I’m not afraid to die.”

ANYA: “That’s so hard to believe. How are you not afraid of dying?”

ME: “We’re all destined to die one day, babe. No one is promised tomorrow. What better way to leave this planet than for something you believe in or for someone you truly love? I could then at least leave this earth knowing I didn’t die in vain. That my life stood for something.”

ANYA: “I have to pick up Katie. I’m going to think about what u said. I’m blown away that you’re serious. Better say goodnight babe. I love you forever.”

After I sent her my last text and she had to break away so quickly, I began to worry what I texted her may have scared her off, but I felt if she truly meant “I love you forever” she would understand where my sentiment came from. I meant every word I text her though, an unintentional test to see if she was for real as well as I elaborated a little more to make sure she understood its intention of protection.

ME: “You know babe, I really would die for you. I have no fear of dying that way. I love you that much. I know it’s hard to believe but it’s true. I feel dead most days. The only days I feel truly alive are the days I’m with you. I’m not saying “I don’t fear death”. I think everyone does, I’m just saying when it comes to you, I don’t fear it because even though I’d be removed from this earth, I’d still be here through you. I don’t expect u to die for me. I’m a man and not only would I be willing to take a bullet for you, but it would be an honor too if it saved your life. I really mean that. I love you forever.”

ANYA: “OMG! U just made me cry!”

On this day alone, the very same day we reconnected ten months earlier, we exchanged forty-three texts between us as the day carried a holiday feeling with it. I believed through her texts about Buble she was trying to communicate that we saw each other more often than not as she possibly feared I would end our relationship because we didn’t spend enough time together. I saw her four times over the last two weeks, and even three times in one day, so I felt the time we spent with each other was fair especially considering how busy we both were. Carolyn and Debbie both told Anya they thought it was romantic I showed up at the movies to watch “Night in Rodanthe” with he, but I did it not for romantic value but only because I missed her. As far as entering a battlefield I felt Anya misunderstood that I would never show up at her house unannounced to “come get her” simply because of her kids. Even though I secretly wanted Katie and Andrew to both know how much I loved and cared for their mother, I also knew it was Anya’s place to make that known and not mine, no matter how much I wanted to meet Katie and Andrew one day. I knew Anya wanted to be with me, that she wanted to wear my ring, so all I could do was remain patient and be ready when my moment arrived.

After our heavy conversation and some tossing and turning through the night, I wondered how Anya after a night of sleeping on it would respond about my willingness to die for her, and I got my answer early the next morning.

8:00 a.m.

“Good morning! Idk if I can say I’d die for u b/c of my children. If I only had u I’d feel differently. It’s not that I’m a girl. It’s that I’m a mom.”

When I finished reading her text, I could do nothing but smile and laugh, but before I could answer she quickly sent me another one.

8:03 a.m.

“I hope what I said doesn’t bum you out. It’s just the way it is. I’d sacrifice anything for my kids. This doesn’t mean I don’t love u to death. Ur my hope…”

ME: “I would probably go down as the ineptest man of nobility in history if I were to let you die for me. I didn’t tell you I would die for you thinking you had to do the same thing. It would kill me if you died for me. I would never allow you to do such a thing even if you didn’t have kids! It’s how I feel babe. It didn’t mean you would do the same. Love doesn’t take. Love doesn’t keep score. Love gives. I’m the man here. Men are always supposed to protect and keep the women they love safe from harm. I wouldn’t be much of a man if I didn’t. If I’m truly ur hope though…I think ur going to thank me big time one day. Would you at least sacrifice a spare body part though if I needed it though? Just kidding!”

ANYA: “You can count on me for a kidney as long as my other kidney will sustain me to take care of my kids.”

ME: “I would never allow you to do it babe.”

ANYA: “I miss u.”

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

After our exchange, I felt more secure in her love for me as it pained my heart she even thought for a second she had to make the same sacrifice. Love never kept score, and by not doing the same did not mean she loved me any less than I loved her as I feared she was afraid I’d think that, but her love alone was a great enough reward for me.

While on my lunch break, I texted her to see how her day was coming along.

1:22 p.m.

“Ur going to be sorry u just text me cuz I’m going to let it all out!”

After I read her text, I froze in fear and was afraid to answer not knowing what to expect, but fully concerned I had done something wrong. In fact, even though I didn’t know what I did, I convinced myself beyond uncertainty I did something that left her unsettled.

ME: “What’s wrong?”

ANYA: “I’m annoyed that my mom just told me on the phone to eat a big breakfast on Fri morning again!!!”

ME: “Oh no…not again? I’m sorry, babe.”

ANYA: “I’m annoyed one of my hair stylists just got engaged and she’s totally happy! I’m annoyed the stylist next to her took her boyfriend to see our movie!”

ME: “She took her bf to see our movie? Who does she think she is?”

ANYA: “I’m annoyed I have to go witness a wedding! I’m going to get my “Chunky Strawberry” to make me feel better! So there!”

ME: “I think I need a “Chunky Strawberry” too now after hearing what all these annoying people are doing to my babe! I’m sorry, Sweetheart. Why is your mom hassling you about eating a big breakfast? Does she know that annoys you when she does that?”

ANYA: “Idk. She’s always been that way. I have to remind her that I’m 40!”

ME: “I know the feeling! My mom seems to think I’m still in my 20’s living at home incapable of doing things on my own. She isn’t much different from your mom at times, trust me! I can definitely relate. Well, I’m here for you if you need to talk, babe.”

ANYA: “Thanks. I’m done for now.”

ME: “Well that wasn’t so bad. Don’t let things annoy you too much. Your mom means well no matter how annoying she may be at times. I love you.”

ANYA: “I know babe. I love you too. How’s ur day going?”

ME: “My day is going well. Just missing you, Sweetheart.”

ANYA: “I miss you too. I love you babe. Thanks for being there.”

ME: “Always.”

Anya was in her own version of hell as happiness surrounded her on a daily basis, and to know it was well within her reach had to make it even more torturous. Just like when the sun shone directly in our eyes, the love around Anya became irritable to her at times, but I wanted her to see and feel the happiness around her as I felt it was the universe conspiring in an attempt to make her a part of it all. The more things that annoyed her, the more hope it gave me she would do the best thing for herself.

On this first day of October, I began to think about where I was only a year ago, and how far I had come as I found myself actually being grateful all my prior relationships failed. Even though I was ow in my favorite time of year, I had a long work day in store for me, as the Form 5500 filings for 401(k) plans were due in only two weeks and audits needed to be finalized so they could be filed on time. Even on days such as these, it was a challenge to focus on work at times because it was less stressful to think of Anya as she was on my mind now constantly, and as the work piled up, my thoughts would stray to Anya to avert myself away from the stress and pressure. A temporary solution that usually resulted in only more stress and pressure. Later that afternoon as I felt bummed because it seemed I wouldn’t be able to finalize as many audit binders I had hoped to, Anya sent me a text.

4:42 p.m.

“I love you Landyn.”

When I received this text, it lit a fire within me as I suddenly felt inspired to finish out the work day strong, which in turn reduced my stress level. It probably didn’t seem like much to Anya, but just a simple text from her, to tell me “I love you”, to just let me know I was on her mind as much as she was on mine, always put me right back on track to get the work I needed to do done. A must in the deadline oriented public accounting profession.

Later that evening, Anya informed me she was out with a group of thirteen girlfriends to celebrate a friend’s birthday. After I received her text just before eight, I figured I wouldn’t hear back from her for the rest of the night so I worked on finishing off “Night In Rodanthe” before I went to bed, but a little after ten she sent me a text then asked me to call her in which I happily obliged.

“Hi babe!” she said enthusiastically when she answered.

“Hi Sweetheart! Having fun with the girls?”

“Yes! We’re taking lots of pics! Can you imagine the noise level though with 13 of us? Ugh! I had to step outside.”

“I can only imagine!” I said. “Where are you at? Wish I could see those pics!”

“Pendulum. I’ll show you the pics when I get them. These girls are loud!” she said. “You know, babe I was really shook up last night when you told me you would die for me.”

“You were, babe? I thought you knew I loved you that much.”

“I had a hard time sleeping last night.” she confessed. “It meant a lot to me.”

“Well, you mean a lot to me.” I said. “I meant it.”

“I don’t think my husband would even do that for me.”

“His history would suggest such, don’t you think babe?” I said. “I think he’s too much in love with himself to do that, babe.”

“Have you ever felt that way towards other women you were “in love” with before?”

“No…because I’ve never been truly in love before.” I said. “My relationships with them never lasted long enough for me to feel that strongly about them.”

“I see. I was just wondering.”

“Sweetheart, I can understand how this feels different for you. We’re almost in the same boat. I’ve never had someone love me the way you love me, and you never had a man love you the way I do. But know this babe and always believe it because it is absolutely true.” I said. “I’ve never experienced our love with anyone else before. I’ve never gotten lost in anyone before when I look at them. I’ve never anticipated their kiss. Never held someone the way I hold you. Never kissed anyone the way I kiss you. And no one has ever known me the way you know me. I just want you to know that.”

“I love you, Landyn.”

“I love you too.”

My heart broke for Anya when she questioned what shook her up, and it hurt at times I feared she didn’t trust my words, but all I ever told her was sincere and genuine in every sense of the word. Although I hadn’t shared the details of my past failures with women, I always told her the truth about what I experienced with them and how what I shared with her were mostly firsts. This was honestly the first time I was truly willing to die for someone simply because I didn’t want to live in a world without her.

Our talk then shifted into a conversation about Buble and how the girls teased her for being the reason things didn’t work out with the girl he was dating at the time. She also further informed me she relayed to her hair stylists to enjoy their relationships now because kids change everything, especially for her. After twenty minutes came and went as if they were twenty seconds, her friends sent a text to her with the subtle message to “get her butt back in there” and with that pointed request, we then ended our phone conversation.

The next morning, before she started her busy day, Anya sent me a text I had grown used to, and looked forward to so I could feel normal again.

8:14 a.m.

“Good morning Handsome!”

There weren’t many better ways to start a morning off for me than to receive a text like this from Anya, but on this particular day, a day that marked the sixteenth month of the night we first met, I didn’t hear from her much during the day. You would think by now after days full of seeing each other, phone calls and text messages I would feel fine without hearing much from her for a single day, just twenty-four hour, after thirty-six years of a life spent not hearing from her, but I underestimated the hold love could have on me. How badly I missed her when I didn’t hear from her, even all throughout my long-distance relationship with Denise I never felt the way I did about Anya as she was so much closer. I just didn’t know how to handle the longing sometimes, in fear maybe her feelings had changed some way, as it was easy for me to lose focus at work and wonder if there was something I didn’t know about. The problem with my sadness is the reality of the situation was Anya was extremely busy, and I knew this. She had so much on her plate mostly all days that for me to feel “Hey what about me?” simply because of fear brought on by my failed past with love could not have been more wrong of me to feel. I knew, as a prideful man, I was more upset by feeling so vulnerable and weak than not actually hearing from her. It was just really hard not to miss her because I had grown so attached to her, but no matter how busy she was, she always found time to see how I was doing during the day, and I had to adjust my thinking at times like this to know she was never too busy to not be thinking of me.

Anya’s flight the next morning was scheduled to land in Seattle, however the wedding was taking place in Lake Louise, Canada. From Seattle, she rented a car with her parents and was driving to Lake Louise. Little did I know what this trip had in store for us emotionally as it all started innocently enough with a text from Anya the following morning.

7:26 a.m.

“Good morning. Waiting to board. Sorry about last night, horrendous day. How r u?”

ME: “Good morning. I know you were busy babe. Did you have a big breakfast? Just kidding!”

ANYA: “Ok, u and C & D suck about the breakfast thing!!! They have not stopped teasing me about having a big breakfast. Carolyn text me at 5 a.m. to remind me to eat!”

ME: “Haha! Sorry babe, that’s funny!”

ANYA: “I purposely didn’t eat this morn! I’m sure I’ll be hungry once I get into Seattle. I figure save the calories cuz my mom is going to make me eat anyway.”

ME: “Awww babe. Don’t worry about the extra calories. You’re perfect in my book.”

ANYA: “I love you.”

ME: “I love you too, Sweetheart. Have a nice flight.”

Although I didn’t believe taking in extra calories is what annoyed her about having a big breakfast, in the back of my mind, I hoped it wasn’t because she was afraid to put on weight because she was afraid to lose my love the way she lost Jackson’s. As crazy as this sounds, even if she came back weighing a hundred pounds more after this trip it wouldn’t have made any difference because I already loved her for who she was.

After she touched down in Seattle she made me aware of her current surroundings.

11:05 a.m.

“Light rain, baby. Wish you were here. I miss u.”

ME: “I wish I was there too. I miss u. I love you forever.”

ANYA: “I love you forever Landyn.”

It reminded me of the time she texted me in Laguna Beach when the sun set. Anya always found a way to touch me from so far away as it felt like I was in Seattle with her; the sweetest of gestures and another reason I had grown so attached to this beautiful side of her.

When Anya got settled she texted to let me know it was still lightly raining and her mother now shifted her strategy of pushing vitamins on her instead of a big breakfast. She told me her dad admitted he threw his vitamin out with his lunch, but sure enough when her mom learned of his antics, she made sure he had another one because they were supposed to be “one big happy vitamin taking family”. She then shared another tale about her mother and her mystical magical purse full of snacks such as bananas, nuts, cookies, crackers and even apple sauce that were peddled and pushed on Anya all morning as well. The more she talked about her mother though, the more she reminded me of my own mother who always worried about me too as it led me to wonder if Anya had ever done the same thing for Katie and Andrew when they were younger.

4:04 p.m.

“I used to carry fish crackers and little snacks for them when they were very little but they don’t like my snacks anymore. They r “too big” for snacks from mommy.”

ME: “But according to your mommy though you are never too big for snacks!”

ANYA: “ha ha very funny. I guarantee if I ask her she’d do everything in her power to get it for me as soon as she gets the chance. Best not to tell or it will show up every time I see her. ”

ME: “I hate to break it to you, but she sounds an awful lot like a normal mother to me, babe.”

ANYA: “See you always see the good in everything! She’s like this w/my brothers too. I was very thin in high school till I had kids and she stills worries. I weighed in the high 90’s to 102 till I got pregnant with Katie. I gained 25 pounds!”

ME: “You still only weighed 127 pounds, babe. I’m sure you wore it well.”

ANYA: “The funny thing is I really don’t care. I’m surrounded by girls that talk about their weight constantly. It gets very old u know.”

ME: “I bet. Especially when the weight gain is probably so minimal and normal.”

ANYA: “Every time I look out the window I think of you. How romantic it would be if u were here.”

ME: “Well if you can imagine what it’s like being in the presence of pure beauty, then you would know exactly how I’d feel if I was there with you now. A rainy night with you in Seattle couldn’t be more romantic.”

ANYA: “I just love you babe. I would love to spend a rainy night with you in Seattle. I’ll fantasize about that all day. There’s only a one hour difference on time. I’ll be in lake Louise. Maybe we can talk tonite?”

ME: “Would love to! Are you headed there now?”

ANYA: “On our way in the car. We got picked up in an Excursion so I’m stretched out in the back to take a nap! I’ll be at the Post Hotel. Will be there in 2 hours. I have to go to a family dinner once I get there so I can’t talk till after 10ish ur time. OK?”

ME: “Sounds good babe. Have a nice ride in and a nice nap. Talk to you later. Love you!”

ANYA: “Thanks! Love you too!”

As I prepared myself for the silence ahead until later this evening, just twenty minutes passed before I heard from her again.

4:38 p.m.

“Can’t sleep. My mom is planning our breakfast and lunch for Sunday. Unbelievable!”

With every text she sent about her mother, I kept it hidden from her that I thought the world of her sweet mom each time she did as without a doubt my mother and her easily would hit it off one day.

When the clock struck eleven p.m., I began to give up hope I would hear back from her. Even though I would be disappointed I also completely understood as she was with family members she never got to spend time with. Not to mention they all flew out to Canada for a wedding and I’m sure she had a lot of catching up to do with everyone. I decided to send Anya a message to let her know I was going to sleep so she wouldn’t feel an obligation to pull away from the time spent with her family, but before I could send it off, one from her came through.

11:02 p.m.

“R u up? In my room now. If you’re asleep. Sweet dreams.”

ME: “I’m awake, babe. How was your evening?”

ANYA: “I’m surrounded by single European romantics (friends of groom) and all I can think about is u. I wish u were here. I just miss you. Don’t want to go to the wedding.”

Upon reading her text, I decided to give her a call.

“Hi babe!” she said with excitement in her tone.

“Hi Sweetheart! I miss you too!” I said. “It’s killing me I can’t be there with you right now.”

“I don’t really want to go to the wedding, babe.” she said. “One of the European romantics wants to go hiking with me tomorrow”

“Are you going to go? I bet it’s really scenic.”

“I don’t think so.” she said. “If you were here, I’d go.”

“Would love to go hiking with you one day somewhere.”

“Can I add that to the list of things to do if we were together?”

“Please do.”

“Some of my relatives brought their children with them for the wedding.” she said as she changed gears. “I really think you should have children, babe.”

“I agree babe.” I said. “But at this point I would only want them with you.”

“Not with me.” she stated. “But with someone else.”

“Sweetheart, we’ve gone over this before.” I said a little annoyed. “You knew I was okay not having kids after I met you. I knew the rules of engagement. What makes you think I should have them now?”

“As I’ve gotten to know you, I’ve seen qualities in you that made me realize you’d be a great Dad. You’re very sweet.”

“Was there a time I wasn’t very sweet to you?” I said as I began to laugh nervously. “It’s very sweet of you to think that highly of me, and you know what? I think you’re right. I know I’d make a great dad, but Sweetheart I saw qualities in you that made me realize having kids no longer mattered to me. You matter to me; I’d rather have you. I didn’t fall in love just for the sake of falling in love. I only fell in love because I wanted to be with the person I loved…and that person is you. I want to marry you as bad as you want to wear my ring.”

Her words threw me back to the past, back to my failures with women as it began to feel similar to when Denise started to pull away. After Denise left me, I vowed to myself to pay attention to anything I felt similar in the future and to run, but after ten of the best months of my life, it was like trying to run in five feet of mud. My low self-esteem grabbed me by the throat to consider maybe Anya saw something she liked in one of the European romantics instead? Could it be her love for me was being challenged by the European romantics with her on the trip? Why would she be so eager to text such a thing after she just texted me she wished that I was there? As these fears began to infiltrate my mind, she then hit me with something even beyond out of left field.

“Babe, if I were to get remarried, I would not receive any alimony payments, and I don’t think your income could support both of us.” she said. “I would have to reinvent myself and I don’t know what I want to do.”

“How do you know my income wouldn’t be enough to support both of us?” I asked as I held onto the knowledge of my promotion in June. “Wouldn’t you get half though? That would be all yours, Sweetheart; California is a no-fault state. Do I need to be a millionaire for you to be with me?”

“No. I just don’t think it would be enough to support us because I couldn’t work right away.”

I wanted so badly to tell her about my partnership promotion. How money would not be a concern for her at all in June, but I was bound by the non-disclosure agreement, and I felt if I told her, not only could it be known because her husband represented our largest client, but it would also be a complete betrayal of trust to the firm, and to Clyde. I was desperate though as sweat began to protrude from my head and onto my palms as I didn’t want to lose her to false fears.

“I believe things will take care of themselves, babe.” I said. “and I don’t think money would ever be an issue for us.”

“I don’t think our relationship will last because of my history.”

“Your history?” I asked.

“My history with my husband. His family. Their history with mine. My family would not be happy with me.”

“A true history of mental abuse? A true history of infidelities?” I said. “Your history exists only because no one really know the true history that exists in your marriage, and that’s the only reason why your family wouldn’t be happy with you. They don’t know the truth.”

“They still wouldn’t be happy with me, babe.” she defended.

“If you don’t think our relationship would stand the test of time because of your history.” I said as I struggled to fight back my emotions from pressuring her. “Then maybe we never had a chance to begin with.”

“That’s not true.” she quickly responded. “I love you.”

“Then that’s the chance you take babe. When you fall in love. I think one day you’ll see I was worth the risk.”

When we ended our conversation, I tried to understand Anya was surrounded by family this weekend. A family who would be upset with her if she got a divorce especially as they all came to see a family member commit for a lifetime. I then realized this wasn’t about an affinity for any of the European romantics but her affinity for me and how a family member may have said something that discouraged her. Anya didn’t think I ever checked her out but I did the very first night I met her. I saw the scintillating gold earrings. The smooth dark hair and her glowing skin. The immaculate manicured and polished finger and toe nails. The perfectly fitted clothes and her alluring scent. The knowledge that her looks were not cheap as I believed the only thing that kept her married to Jackson was the money. The image the marriage to Jackson afforded her and it scared me the moment I began to feel something for her. Why I had left her at the restaurant so coldly. Anya was a sophisticated classy woman, the type I always found myself drawn to, but over time I found the trust she knew money did not lead to happiness. In fact, I not only bet on it but bought in completely because I witnessed her sadness on nearly a daily basis over the last ten months. I knew if she paid attention to the sadness which also represented her truth, there was no way her history would matter.

The next morning, a night I spent tossing and turning after our conversation about money and history, Anya sent a text that gave me some insight into her mood during our phone conversation.

6:54 a.m.

“Good morning. I think I had too much to drink last night. Still in bed.”

ME: “Sorry to hear you’re hung over, babe. How bad is it? Wish I could be there for you.”

ANYA: “Wish you were here too. I could use a hug from you. I fell asleep rt away but woke up at 5. I’ve been tossing and turning in bed ever since.”

ME: “Sounds like the typical hangovers I get when I drink too much. Can never fall back asleep but when I do I usually wake up feeling a lot better. Well, at least you had fun last night it sounds like. Sorry babe.”

ANYA: “Well I did it to myself so my fault. I miss u very much. Definitely not hiking today!”

ME: “It makes me sad when you’re not feeling good and I can’t be there for you. I love you.”

ANYA: “Ur always there for me. I love you. Maybe u can call me later when I’m feeling better?”

ME: “I’ll give you a call around 1? How does that sound?”

ANYA: “That’s perfect babe.”

When Anya revealed she was hung over, her words to me last night made a lot more sense as the depressant effect of the alcohol took a hold of her. Her negativity hit me at a bad time when I missed her so much as two objects of a like charge always repelled against each other. At times like this, I really needed her to be positive because I was so down after as my hands were tied due to the silent nature of my promotion to partner in June. I’m glad I didn’t overreact to what she shared though and was able to let her communicate how she was feeling at the moment. The highs and lows were now so distinctive at times, they were impossible to ignore as the more I felt for her, the more extreme they became as I began to become vulnerable everyone I experienced. The high of our morning together and the low that followed when she told me she still didn’t know. The high of our three-mini date day to the low of the next day’s feeling of our love being wrong. Through it all though I remained tight lipped, but I struggled to be noble even as I knew her kids were near and I didn’t want to pressure her. I promised her I wouldn’t do pressure her again as I always kept the promises I made in life, but the more negativity she shared, the harder it became to hold it inside.

Anya text me about an hour later to share a moment with me.

9:25 a.m.

“Love is like a lump of gold, hard to find and hard to hold. Of all the ones I met you’re the one I can’t forget. I do believe God created you for me to love. He chose you from all the rest because he knew I’d love you the best! This is in the program. Thought it was sweet.”

ME: “That is very sweet. Thank you for sharing it with me.”

ANYA: “Not sure if I love the “lump of gold” analogy but I guess he had to pick something that was hard to find and hard to hold. Sorry I think too much!”

ME: “Haha! You crack me up! I was thinking the same thing, babe. If he’s got some cash he can find and get a hold of some gold quite easily though…but then again maybe that would be like comparing his bride to a hooker. See…that’s why I don’t write these things. His poem does rhyme well! How are you feeling?”

ANYA: “Yea it rhymes and that’s about it! I’m feel much better now. Ate and fell back to sleep. I should get up and go to the gym. I’m not drinking tonight. Interesting convo we had last night about marriage.”

ME: “I’m sorry I’m so vocal about my feelings about marriage. I understand your concerns babe. It’s hard for me not to fight for you to see things differently babe because I love you so much. In case you didn’t know, I’m not trying to say you’re wrong, I think all your feelings are legitimate, it’s just I’m hoping you consider the good too, and not just the bad. I think we’d be alright babe when it’s all said and done. Again, I think you would end up thanking me one day for not letting you think about what could go wrong instead of all that could go right. What time is the wedding? Looking forward to hearing your voice again at 1.”

ANYA: “Can’t wait until 1. The wedding is at 5 but I have to start getting ready at 4. I love you babe.”

ME: “I love you too, beautiful.”

Anya’s marriage had jaded her, and left her full of doubt if another marriage could be any different. The truth was this though; she didn’t get a fair shake at marriage to realize not only its beauty, but also its true purpose, and I was only in her life to give her both. As frustrated I would get at times with her, it was only because I wanted her to experience a real marriage and a real love. The way marriages not only should be but what they truly are and were meant to be. I thought about Katie and Andrew as much as I thought about Anya, and how important it was for them to know marriage was a beautiful thing with the right person too. I feared both of them would go down the same unhappy path Anya and Jackson did if she chose to stay. That they would always believe Anya and Jackson had a normal marriage. That it was okay for a spouse to be unloving towards the other and to pretend they were happy throughout their lives just for the sake of others. I saw an important lesson here, one both Katie and Andrew could never get from out of a textbook, if Anya were to do what I believed to be the right thing and to choose a better life for her and someone who made her a better person. A life that brought out the best in her for not only their eyes but for everyone else to see as they would all bear witness to a beautiful truth that love was something we all needed to survive that fill us with the spirit for what we were intended to do on this earth for others and for ourselves. Love made us a better version of ourselves, and without love, we were just soulless beings left to wander the earth never achieving our true potential in life. I felt I just so happened and very fortunate to be the man who brought the beauty and the best out of Anya as I just somehow had to keep fighting the good fight within myself to see the goodness in it all, instead of an unfathomable intolerable fallout.

When I called Anya at one she sounded super excited to hear from me, more than she usually was, a stark contrast from the Anya I heard the previous evening who was tired and drunk, as I could feel through her voice how much a lack of alimony payments wouldn’t stop her from wearing my ring one day.

“What do you think it would be like if we were actually together, babe?” she asked full of hope and life in her tone.

“I think about that a lot, actually. Almost constantly. I think if we summed up all our beautiful moments and all we’ve experienced together already that it would pale in comparison if we were able to love each other freely every day. As much fun as it all has been, I imagine it being even better because we could experience more moments together, like traveling the world together, so I know without a doubt our love would grow far beyond all we feel now, which is hard to believe feeling more for each other is even possible.” I stated with excitement in my lungs as I was almost out of breath. “Do you know what would the hardest part about being together for me would be, though?”

“What would be the hardest part for you, babe?”

“Getting out of bed in the morning!”

“Ha! I know! How would we ever get anything done?” she asked in laughter.

“It’s so true. I just love lying down and falling asleep with you. You’re the most comfortable peaceful feeling I’ve ever known. You’re like the most comfortable pillow and blanket.” I said. “My days would be always great though because no matter how crappy a day at work could possibly be…I’d get to come home to you, and how could a man be any luckier or any more blessed in life than to come home to you? I think about that all the time.”

“You’re going to make me cry again, babe. I’d be so happy.” she said. “I can’t even recall if I was ever happy on my wedding day.”

“I’m sure you had to feel some happiness. How could you not?” I said. “But then again, if you married only out of convenience, then chances are you would have remembered if you were happy, babe. Don’t you think?”

“I guess I would have remembered if I was happy.” she said. “If I ever was.”

“Two great kids did come out of it, babe.” I said. “That’s definitely worth being happy about.”

“I agree.” she said.

Anya had a good heart, and if anything, she probably felt guilty or feared she made a mistake by leaving the man she was engaged to before Jackson came back into her life. If she had that in the back of her mind, even slightly on her wedding day, then I was certain she wasn’t happy that day as well.

“I still don’t believe we would’ve ever came to be unless we met at the time we did.” I said. “It would’ve been perfect if the timing was, but I really don’t think you would’ve appreciated a man like me back then. I think you were too young to be see the things that matter the most in life…like most women that age. As hard as it’s been on us, I truly believe we met when we were supposed to because we both had to grow to have the mature love we’ve found in each other.”

When we got off the phone after a positive conversation about our love, marriage and our dream to be together, she texted me seconds after we ended our call.

2:38 p.m.

“I miss you babe. I love you forever.”

And each of those sentiments were also my own.

As Anya prepared to witness two people announce their love to each other for a lifetime, I decided to get out of the house for a drive. I just wanted to be under the same moon and stars she was as I imagined being there with her with the thoughts of our positive phone conversation still fresh in my mind. I then grabbed a quick dinner and a glass of wine by myself in the bar area at Luke’s, the place we began to truly be, just to feel close to her. I then walked outside to where we first made plans to see each other nearly a year ago and stared at the moon as it shone on the water. It even brought me back to last weekend outside Sonomas when the moon gracefully shone upon Anya, a sight that eclipsed my eyes to all other things around me as I became lost in her tranquil beauty; a moment I wished could have lasted forever. I believed in the universe’s love for both Anya and I as it naturally conspired to keep this feeling alive for each other through it, as the sun and moon always found a way to beautify Anya in my eyes and bring me back to moments I shared with her. Just like when the sun sheepishly poked through the clouds just as we stumbled upon our beach and even Venus lent me a hand last weekend as well. I just couldn’t grasp for a second that if our love was wrong and we weren’t meant for each other, why the universe would enhance our love so naturally.

After I took about a half hour walk alone along the beach outside Luke’s, I got in my car to head home but before I could pull away from the curb, Anya texted me.

9:48 p.m.

“Hi there. Can you call me?”

Whenever I received a “Hi there” text, I feared the positivity of our earlier conversation would be soon wiped away by alcohol once again, and as I picked up the phone to call, and when she answered in a down tone, my fear appeared to be legitimate.

“How was the wedding?” I asked reluctantly.

“I can honestly say it was the saddest wedding I’ve ever been to.”

“What happened, babe?” I asked with great concern. “Why was the wedding sad?”

“I wasn’t sad because the wedding was sad but…but…” she said as her voice trailed off. “but because of what I felt inside.”

“What did you feel inside, Sweetheart?”

“I felt helpless. The guy my cousin married is a great guy and I’m happy for them. You should have seen the way he looked at her as he promised his heart to her for a lifetime. No doubt he is completely in love with her. They dated for almost 5 years. One of those years was a long-distance deal from Canada to Vegas. Are you with your family right now, babe?”

“Not tonight, Sweetheart.” I said. “I had dinner at Luke’s so I could feel close to you. I just got back in my car now.”

“I’m sooo sad right now.” she informed me as her voice trembled. “It was really hard. I had to leave the party.”

“What made it so sad for you, Sweetheart?”

“What makes it so sad? Are you serious? I want what I witnessed tonight with you!” she said with conviction. “My side of the family constantly commented all weekend about “how lucky I was”. Gag!”

“What did they say, babe?”

“My auntie told me “I married well.”” she said in between sobs. “I kept telling her, that’s not what it’s about Auntie. But she kept repeating “You married well. You married well”. I had to leave the party.”

“They don’t know what you’ve gone through in your marriage though, babe.” I said. “That sometimes people can marry well only to end up unwell. Don’t take it to heart, babe. They don’t know your pain, Sweetheart, and if they did, I believe they would comment differently.”

“I’m so sad. I want to wear your ring. I feel helpless.”

I didn’t know what to say as her unexpected emotions, all spoken in the greatest truth ever to be graced upon human ears, left me speechless as I didn’t know how to comfort her from so far away.

“I want you to wear my ring one day more than I want anything in this world, Sweetheart.” I said. “Don’t get discouraged, beautiful. They all don’t know what you’ve found and they have no idea what your husband has done. I think what you witnessed tonight is possible for you too… and I won’t allow you to think for a second you don’t deserve it. You do. You deserve all the happiness this world has to offer, but you have to be true babe. You have to be true to those around you and I promise you this…you will have a love that lasts for a lifetime.”

“I don’t know how to do that. What do I tell my family? I have a big family.” she said. “I don’t think I have the courage.”

“Babe, you have the courage. You had the courage to approach me at Sonomas. You had to courage to ask me out on a date. You’ve had the courage to still see me even when your husband was suspicious. You’ve even had the courage to love me over the last ten months.” I responded in desperation, trying to hold myself together for her. “So, I know without a doubt you have the courage within you...to love yourself too.”

“I’m not…I’m not…well…right…now.” she replied, beginning to sob badly she could hardly breathe.

“My beautiful lady, please don’t be sad, babe. I love you so much, Anya. I know this is hard but you’re going to be okay baby. Trust me babe. I’m not going to mislead you or lie to you. We’re going to get through this okay? We’re in this together. You’re not alone. It’s you and me, babe. We’re one. It’s you and me. I’m so sorry I can’t be there to hold you and take the sadness away, babe. It’s killing me.”

“It’s…ok.” she struggled to say. “I just can’t stop crying. I just…love you ve…ry much.”

“Shhhhh…babe. It’s okay Sweetheart. It’s okay. I’m here for you babe. You know I feel the same. Trust me, Sweetheart. We’re going to make it. If you trust me, we’re going to be ok.”

As I held the phone to my ear, not another word was spoken as she cried, with no control, tears that must have fallen in small puddles below her. What I heard over the phone on this night was all too real. Her tears and lack of breathing were real. The pain I felt in my heart for her as real as her own, and with every breath she struggled to take, with every word she struggled to say, and with every sentence she struggled to finish, brought with it more insight into the absolute undeniable depth of her feelings for me--for us. It was what she was up against and failed to tell me. This pure show of emotions could not be faked as true love was on full display, as the reason why I fought for her happiness was on full display as well as she continued to cry truly overwhelmed by emotions. What Anya held inside, was many years of tears that came down her face on this night as I talked to her softly for the next fifteen minutes to comfort her. To let her know I was there and I was going nowhere, but still a half hour away from home, and with no end to her sadness in sight, right in the middle of the closest moment we had experienced together, my phone lost connection as my battery power hit zero, and a part of me then suddenly did too when I realized I left my charger at home as tears now fell from my eyes as well when I imagined her now having to face this alone.