“When you reach the part where the heartaches come,

the hero would be me.

But heroes often fail.”

~ “If You Could Read My Mind” Gordon Lightfoot

Silence greeted me with a harshness all its own when the sun rose as Anya’s stillness wore me down mentally, like a boxer who only worked the body in a match; a tactic meant to wear down an opponent, not to knock them out. When the knockout punch came I had no clue as this year was off to an eventful start as I pressured Anya to reveal the truth about her love and our relationship. I often felt loved like never before, and felt ridiculous whenever I considered the possibility she didn’t love me. Any fool had to know that anyone who did all she did for me were acts of true love, and it was where I truly leaned. However, her silence strengthened the possibility she didn’t know what love truly stood for, and that I refused to believe, even beyond reason. I trusted her even as I lost trust in her, because each and every time the chance of our relationship’s demise seemed apparent, Anya always stepped up to the plate. And that only led to the belief she truly loved me and would find a way to make this work. I also had to acknowledge, as much as she even denied this, that without my prior knowledge, she turned this into me, and us, versus the kids, and not me and her well being, versus Jackson. I felt she now clandestinely pit me up against Daddy Warbucks and the Goose who laid the golden egg. Although she slept in the same bed as he did, we shared too much for me to believe she preferred him over me, but did that chance I was wrong about that exist? It had to exist, simply because the kids were the perfect out, and that brought worry about her love for me too because it never stopped her when we first met, and after we reconnected five months later. A love that only feared to hurt me, and not bring her home into my arms. There should be a vast schism between the love she felt for me, and for her kids. She could lie to them all she wanted to in order to protect them, but a lie to protect me would only serve herself. Katie and Andrew were young enough to be manipulated by falsehoods, and she only did so to protect them, but in my eyes, after all we’ve shared, I believed it to be wrong at this point as it provided them with a false sense of security, and robbed them of an opportunity to know what a real normal marriage and love was all about. At times like this, it drew me back to realize what she put me up against the night we decided to try, what I would truly find myself fighting against, her son’s wallpapered room in dollar bills and her daughter’s horse ranch. And to know intimately the martial history of Anya and Jackson, both were very ill advised acts of parenting as it only taught them things and money were the things in life that mattered most and would only lead to happiness.

When I didn’t hear from Anya that morning, against my better judgment, I reached out to patch things up with her. And at about ten minutes until noon, about a half hour later, she responded.

ANYA: “Hi! I’m good. Out shopping. How r u?”

I couldn’t respond to her as her revelation left me in emotional disarray. She was out shopping and didn’t text me at all? It always bummed me out to hear she was “shopping”, not because I didn’t want her to, but because I knew where the money came from. And when I threw Jackson’s money with her morning silence into the equation, I worried she conspired with him clandestinely and patched things up between them. As the fear she didn’t plan to leave him after all infected my mind, I felt left for dead, unable to focus at work and unable to move yet again.

A little later that afternoon as I remained silent, she sent me another text.

ANYA: “Can u believe this weather? Can u call me? I miss u.”

Without a second’s hesitation, I phoned her with transparent skin.

“How are you? “she asked upon picking up.

“I’m good. How are you?” I asked.

“I’m good.” she said. “So…were friends again?”

After all we’ve shared, the best word she could come up with to describe us was “friends”? Did she honestly think I would have pursued a relationship under these circumstances because I hoped to be her friend? Her text “Remember we’re just friends”, when she feared her husband may show up at my door, raided my mind and ransacked it from all positive thoughts as I tried to rein in my pain.

“After all I’ve shared with you…I’m just a “friend” to you?” I asked then laughed nervously.

“I’m sorry babe. I think I should have used the word “truce” instead.” she acknowledged. “I meant “truce” I shouldn’t have said “friends”.

“It’s okay.” I told me. “Yes. Truce.”

For her to recognize her use of the wrong word, then apologize for it without a disagreement was one of the reasons why I loved her so much. It was hard to find people in this world who acknowledged when they were wrong, and I would have done the same for her.

“Are we okay?” she asked for reassurance.

“You know, even though it still stings a little because I never thought I’d ever feel resented by someone I’ve called “beautiful” before.” I said. “We’re good. Truce.”

For a good portion of that night I thought of different ways to call her “beautiful” before I sent her that text as I considered she had a battle with low self esteem after she was cheated on several times by her husband, but in my effort to help her through that, I only got blasted for not giving her a “heads up” because “somebody else” might have wanted to tag along. If Anya wasn’t a “mean person”, did it mean everytime Jackson confronted her she listened and whenever he told her he loved her, she reciprocated like she did with me? Were her disagreements with Jackson not really fights but rather passionate but considerate discussions? If I thought Anya was a mean person, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with her. But I trusted her enough to believe she was just a wronged person who found love, not revenge. The scariest thing about Anya’s thinking was how she seemed to feel what she did was just fine as long as the person remained blind to the things she did that hurt them. As long as they didn’t know, they couldn’t be hurt, and that was okay in her world. The problem was, an unimaginable pain took shape, and to state, to me, that she was not a mean person suggested I was, even after I proved this when I walked away from her. For her to know I would have never been involved if she defended Jackson to me in anyway in the beginning, seemed to suggest she still loved him and didn’t want to hurt him. For her to communicate this to me now, thirteen months later, was hard to just sweep under the rug and forget as the unknown variable felt more unknown than ever before.

“I asked Carolyn if she thought I had low self esteem.” she blurted.

“What did she say?”

“She didn’t say anything.”

“She didn’t?”

“Nope. She just stood there and laughed.”

“I guess that’s a “no”.” I said.

“More like “are you joking””? she added.

Her conversation with Carolyn transported me back to the night we first met. When Anya told me after Lance left her that no one wanted to be with her because she had “baggage”. She sure came a long ways since those days, which made me happy our love gave her more confidence in herself, however, I began to believe this high sense of self existed long before she met me as evidenced when Michel Buble brought her up on stage and sang her love songs that entire evening. Her newly revealed high sense of self begged the question; if she misrepresented herself, to go through such great lengths because she wanted a relationship with me, why wouldn’t she go through any lengths or even widths to at least make a promise to be with me?

“I’m glad I was wrong about that.” I said as I tried to hide my critique. “You’re too beautiful inside and out to feel less about yourself.”

“How are you feeling? You told me you were coming down with something.”

“I feel better. I would hate to get you sick. I know how busy you are.”

“I wouldn’t mind getting sick from you.” she said.

“Really? Why would you want to get sick from me?” I asked incredulously.

“As twisted as this may sound…and weird. I’d have something from you, a part of you, inside of me.” She revealed. “That’s how much I love you, Landyn.”

“That’s how much I love you, too.” I countered.

Her words about having a part of me inside of her touched me as it gave me hope that one day I could give her the most precious thing for her to carry inside from me. When our phone conversation ended, we clearly patched things up as her revelations only revealed regardless of how much we disagreed, she still loved me like no one ever had as I bet my life on her sentiments. That we could find a way, through everything and anything, to reach our goal to be together.

Before I went to bed, inspired by the positive ending to our phone conversation, I sent her a text so she could awaken to a “present” in the morning.

ME: “Getting ready to close my eyes and fade away for the night. On page 239, Eclipse. Who knows maybe I will finish before busy season starts? I doubt it! Was just thinking about, actually who am I kidding, I’ve been thinking about it since I got off the phone with you…when u told me about hoping you’d get sick b/c u would have something from me inside of you. I don’t think it’s “twisted” but rather intimate and romantic. I fell deeper in love with you tonight. We have a really special bond w/each other. I love being with you. No one has ever made me feel so special. There has always been a hope I’m non-impervious for the same reason, babe although I’d hate to get you sick. No matter how sick you are though, I always want to be near you. To hold you. To kiss you. My only true love. The only one I hold in my heart. I live and breathe you everyday, constantly. So much so, you’re no longer just in my heart, you’ve become my heart.”

The Anya I fell in love with responded early the following morning.

ANYA: “Good morning! Wow Pg. 239! I’m on 59. I don’t think twice about getting sick from you. If I did it would be alright w/me. Like I said, I’d have a part of you in me.”

Her sentiment gave me focus and inspiration for the morning to know the they didn’t change from the prior evening. The whole movie ordeal was a request she made from me, and although I had a different opinion about it, I honored her request to never show up without warning again. If it didn’t feel right to her, it could never feel right to me as well.

I did a considerable amount of planning all day at the office for my upcoming busy season jobs. There were many things that could slow audits down, but the banks depended on us to get financial statements to them to meet their strict deadlines. To avoid any missteps during the auditing process, I tackled every potential problem or scenario that could arise during an audit. The banks depended on financial statements to be delivered to them on time so I took extra precautions to assure that happened. As I coordinated and delegated work down to my engagement teams, Kevin Kash walked hurriedly past my office. It wasn’t unusual for Kevin to do that during the hectic busy season planning, but I hadn’t talked to or seen him since the partnership announcement and I wanted to check up on him. When I entered his office, I shut the door behind me quietly as he sat before me.

“Hey.” I said.

“Landyn.” he responded in a somber but tired tone. “How’s the busy season prep coming along?”

“So far, so good.” I said.

“Are they integrating your partner duties in with this season? Taking some of the managing load off your plate?”

“No, not this year. I haven’t even talked to Clyde about what they’ll do next year but I’m sure some of my management duties will shift away from me and I’ll be doing some more client prospecting.”

“You’ll definitely be tan when you visit the office.” he said. “Honing up your golf game.”

“We’ll see.” I said as I didn’t want to say anything that would offend him.

Kevin was supposed to be the one out on the golf course soaking up rays, not me. The fact he taught me everything about the technical part of the profession I’m sure disturbed him, and I’m sure if he could pass his knowledge on to me again with the same result, he would, but even I knew it shouldn’t have gone this way. I’ve come to learn though how the universe worked. How it kept itself together as it left me thoroughly convinced the universe stepped in on this one because of what I’ve found in Anya. That no matter what Kevin did, he would not have gotten the promotion as this was all tied to Jackson Caiaphas and his karmic doom. From The Caiaphas Property Group, or CPG, to his wife, Anya. The Universe conspired against Kevin’s partnership promotion and gave it to me, the man he taught all he learned to. Maybe Kevin too, was punished for his love of the finer things? Sadie his wife was gorgeous and money hungry, but he was the same way as he drew himself toward women like Sadie. Kevin didn’t care, He preferred the trophy on his arm, and she looked even better on it when presented with the promotion to partner. The Universe however had other ideas, unknown to me, as it even rallied for me after my direct and angry rants to God, whose existence I doubted. Regardless, I really didn’t know what to make of this as much as Kevin did. Although unfair, it truly remained out of my control. The road to becoming partner hinged on the ability to attract business, and not necessarily on technical accounting knowledge, and as fate would have it, destiny and fate fell in place when I reeled the biggest fish the firm ever obtained that lifted it to a place its never been. Jackson Caiaphas’s business put our small local accounting firm on the accounting map and made it one of the fastest growing companies in Orange County as CPG’s business alone tripled the firm’s value and presented it with unprecedented opportunities. And, if Jackson were to win in Washington, as a member of Congress, the potential business contacts generated from that alone could make my firm, one I had now had a stake in, no longer recognized on a local scale but a national one. I never knew why the Universe chose me, but it did.

“Sadie wants a divorce.” Kevin blurted.

“I’m so sorry, Kevin. I don’t know what to say.” I said with genuine concern for him.

He took a deep breath and cupped his hands in front of his face.

“I did all I could, Landyn. You know.” he said as he shook his head. “I did everything I could to save my marriage. She wants more. So much more…but I can’t give her what I don’t have.”

“Your promotion to partner is inevitable over the next two years.” I said. “You know I’d approve it when it’s presented. You have a real ally in the current partnership structure. Could she at least understand that much?”

“Her biological clock is ticking.” he said. “She wants kids now and she wants them to have the very best in life. She told me she doesn’t know if she has “the best” with me, or if she ever will.”

“She married you, didn’t she? I mean…she has to know all that’s reasonably possible and it’s so close, Kev. So damn close. For better or for worse. That’s what she promised. For better or for worse, and not for better only.”

“Vows don’t mean shit, Landyn. They don’t mean shit anymore.” he said as he rose from his chair and slammed a fist on his desk. “Anyone who believes they do is certifiably insane. Maybe fifty years ago fucking vows meant something to people, but not anymore. Not in a two income bullshit household setting. Women are earners now too. Not just men. They have more power. More freedom to do what they want. The truth is I failed her as a husband. I failed her and now…now I lost her.”

“There has to be something Kevin. You just don’t throw away a marriage because of one unlucky break.” I said as I picked some papers off the ground that flew off his desk when he slammed his anger upon it. “You have to fight for her.”

“I’m afraid her mind is made up.” he told me as he brought both hands upon his hips. “It’s made up. There’s nothing I can do.”

“There’s always something you can do.” I said. “Kevin. You know as well as I do she is making a mistake. You can’t just let her make it.”

“Landyn don’t. Please.” he said as he shook his head. “Please don’t patronize me here. She’s going to clean me out. Leave me with nothing. All this hard work I put in and I’m going to lose it all.”

“That’s not true, Kevin.” I said. “You can’t look at things that way.”

“It’s too late Landyn. After all these years together, I know that about her.”

“What do you mean?” I asked confused. “Know what much about her?”

“Her mind is already made up.” He said. “She’s already ended our marriage, Land.”

I tried to reassure Kevin that his negativity blocked his rational thought, as often times mine would with Anya. That stress played a significant role in the way he viewed this doomsday scenario. He thanked me for listening, and I patted him on the back as I told him things will work out better than he thinks. I then retreated to my office, sat back in my chair and looked out at the city before me as I contemplated Kevin’s predicament. I grabbed my phone and looked for Kevin’s home phone number to see if I could reach Sadie to talk some sense into her. To let her know Kevin’s partnership promotion was right around the corner, but I could not say so with absolute certainty if Kevin failed to bring any business in.

My promotion to partner should have been the ultimate moment of happiness and achievement for me, but it brought me no sense of either. All I could do was respect the way Kevin felt. I didn’t want to lose his friendship and our professional relationship as both weighed in the balance. I began to remember all the good times we had together auditing the same client. When he used to remove the ball from my mouse and watch me try to use it when I returned from lunch. How we used to laugh at the same meltdowns professional coaches used to have. From the time Lee Elia called the Chicago Cubs fans who went to the day games as unemployed to when Tommy Lasorda responded to a reporter’s question about what he thought of Dave Kingman’s performance after he hit three home runs against his pitchers. Or the times he used to call one of the old partners at the firm “Funky Boss”, after the old Beastie Boys song, because he felt he was always on his back. At the time, I never heard that song before, but when he played it for me, I laughed hard enough to bring tears. We always had inside jokes about other managers whenever we were in the office. One manager used the words “Uh basically” in nearly every sentence while on the phone with clients. And when he came to talk to us at the same time, and used the word “basically”, we both struggled to hold it together. Kevin also made me familiar with certain movie scenes from movies I saw before, but never found humorous until he pointed them out to me, such as Bill Murray’s scene in “Caddyshack” when the Dali Lama tried to stiff him on the golf course, then promised him “complete and total consciousness” on his death bed in order to settle the bet. A bet Bill Murray’s character thought he had going for him, which was nice. He also loved Ben Stiller’s character in “Happy Gilmore” where he played a jerk rest home manager who extended arts and crafts time by four hours not for their enjoyment, but because he used them to run an elderly sweat shop. When I thought about all those good times, it was hard for me to know how money affected relationships, even the best ones. Kevin made my time at the firm enjoyable, and was a major reason I stuck it out so long. He just made the mundane accounting profession fun. As I remembered all the good times, I vowed to help Kevin make partner even if I had to give him some of my clients. This firm, and my career still needed Kevin Kash, and I simply would never be in the position of partner without him. I felt this was out of my control, however. That a higher power intervened, for whatever reason, and I now had to find a way to sort it all out.

At around three p.m., two hours after I talked to Kevin, I texted Anya.

ME: “I miss u.”

ANYA: “I miss u so much.”

When she added “so much” in response to my “I miss u”, a wide smile graced my face as I forgot for a moment my sadness for a friend. I then informed her I started to take a new multi vitamin that contained caffeine. She wasn’t too thrilled about it.

ANYA: “You do know I know what you’re trying to do, right?”

ME: “What do you think I’m trying to do?”

ANYA: “You’re trying to skip a meal.”

ME: “Well if I skip a meal, I should be able to lose weight.”

ANYA: “I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Ur perfect!”

ME: “I don’t think so, babe. I’m going to gain weight b/c of busy season if I don’t do this.”

ANYA: “You’re perfect.”

ME: “This might sound crazy but you’re the only one who ever has or who could ever make me feel that way.”

ANYA: “Awww babe. You are in my eyes. I love you.”

Her “perfect” description took me by surprise. I didn’t know she looked at me in such a way. A way I certainly never looked at myself in. I trusted her love for me so much, I didn’t question it at all. Never found it odd she found me “perfect” in her eyes as Anya helped cure my decades long disease of low self esteem. Another reason she meant so much to me.

On my way home, she asked me to call her.

“Where are you babe?” she asked me as she answered.

“I’m on way home now. About ten minutes away.” I said. “I love you, you know.”

“I love you too. I can’t wait to feel close to you again.”

“I can’t wait to have you in my arms again.” I broke. “You know, I’ve missed you so much especially at night, I’ve counted all the times we’ve visited each other.”

“You did?”

“I did. Guess how many times?”

“Forty-three?”

“Nope. Our last time we spent together was the seventy fifth time.”

“What? We’ve hung out seventy-five times? How do you know this?”

“Yes! I kept track of our days together in my journal.” I admitted. “You know what the amazing thing is about it?”

“What babe?” she asked with a sweet soft tone.

“After seventy-five times, I still miss you as much, if not more, than I ever did.” I spoke truthfully. “Seeing you never get old. It always feels like the first and best time.”

“Doesn’t it, my love? I feel the same way!”

“It’s gotten to the point that I miss you when you’re not within arm’s reach, even when we’re physically together. I have the time of my life every time I’m with you” I said. “It’s really at that point. I just miss you so much, and it has nothing to do with the situation because I wish it wasn’t there for us so I could spend more time with you.”

“I feel the same way! I miss you before I’m even aware of it!”

“If you think about it, it is kind of funny!” I said as I laughed. “Even when we text, it feels like we’re basically hanging out with each other all day. It just never gets old for me, and it’s never enough even when it is. How could anyone not see the beauty in this? It’s remarkably beautiful what we have together, and if you remove the circumstances, I could just imagine how much more remarkable it could be.”

“I agree, babe. It’s truly remarkable.” she said. “I never knew I had it in me to feel this way.”

“My frustration only exists because I not only love being around you but also being there for you. I hope you can understand its why I stumble sometimes…because I just love you so much.” I said. “And knowing everyday I can, but can’t, makes our love so beautiful but also so sad. I feel bad for you too, babe because of that. Even when I get frustrated, empathy eventually finds its way within me, and I forget whatever upset me in the first place. I guess that’s love.”

“What’s love, babe?”

“When you can see things through another’s eyes more than your own.” I said. “I have faith you don’t want to hurt me and you love me.”

The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

“I do love you…and it breaks my heart to hurt you.”

“It breaks my heart to tell you my frustrations. I know I let you down when I do.” I said. “I hope you can remember when I stumble; all I want is to be with you. I only want to make the three things that matter most in life, your hopes, wishes and dreams, come true. I try so hard every day to make that a reality for you. Your husband may be able to keep you physically away from me, but I know he’ll never be able to keep away the feelings you have for me.”

“I agree, babe. I love you, you know.” she said in a demure sweet voice.

“I know. And I love you too.”

Although it hurt she still remained married to him, without the slightest promise made to me, I believed her heart lied with me, and if Jackson could live the rest of his life in his marriage with that knowledge, the only person he could ever fool was himself.

I texted her some love quotes in the morning and she responded early the next morning.

ANYA: “Good morning! I guess I missed my chance of catching up to you cuz I was too tired to read too! I loved the quotes you texted me. You’re a big part of me too. I miss u.”

To read I was a big part of her too, meant a lot. I trusted her words were true as they further stoked the fire in my belief we belonged together. My phone remained silent for most of this day but I found comfort to knew we were back on track after we patched things up. More than ever, I believed the inevitable would soon take shape, a promise from her to be with me. With every hour that passed, I anticipated a text to let me know to come see her at a certain Laguna Beach hotel. If she felt that alone a couple of months back, the pressure to get away from Jackson had to be tenfold now as I felt she could leave him at any time as our hope, our wish, our dream, reached its greatest height.

Later that afternoon at around three, Anya texted me with joy inherent in a tone I hadn’t sensed in quite some time.

ANYA: “Hi baby!”

ME: “Hi Beautiful! How’s your day going?”

ANYA: “Great! How’s urs?”

ME: “Productive! I miss youuuuu!”

When I received her “great” description, it brought hope to a crescendo as I never heard her use that particular term to describe her day. Coincidentally enough, it came on the day after we patched things up, and synonymous with all the love I held in my heart. This “great” day had to be because she found a way to make us happen, the only reason why she had a “great” day. He upbeat spirited tone gave me the sense she found a way, even with Jackson’s eyes always on her ever move, for us to be together.

ANYA: “Haha! I miss youuuuuuuu too! What time do you get off?”

Excitement filled me as it gave me great comfort her “great” day existed because she planned to see me. All I had to do now, was make myself available. If I had a promotion ceremony on this night, I would have told everyone I was sick and couldn’t make it. Anya’s “great” day, and her heartfelt “I miss you”, presented an opportunity, a moment I had to grab.

ME: “I’m off in an hour, babe. At 4.”

ANYA: “Can you call me when you get off?”

ME: “Yes!!! Talk to you soon!”

A chance to build on the good feelings we had last night presented itself, to embed the great feelings she felt on this day, like a young child’s hand on a newly paved driveway to hold a moment in time for a lifetime. When I called her, various scenarios played in my head, even the possibility she texted me from a Laguna Beach hotel room in an effort to feel close to me. I really believed this phone call could be the greatest one I ever took. Jackson had rocked the boat for the last time, and she refused to live a life of constant doubt and falsehoods, that through me and our love, she chose the truth, and not the life of lies. Anya proved over the course of our relationship she was spontaneous enough to do the unexpected at any moment, especially if it built on our love. At times when I thought only hopelessness reigned, she provided hope beyond itself. I felt this phone call brought with it the beginning of something I never thought I’d experience; a dream come true.

“Hi babe!” she said excitedly when she picked up.

“Hi Sweetheart! It’s nice to hear your voice! I’m so happy you had a great day!” I said as I matched her excited tone. “That turned my day into a great one too! So, what’s the latest?”

“Thanks babe! It really was for me!” she exclaimed. “Well, I think I’ve changed my mind about Katie going to the inner city ghetto school.”

“Really? What made you change your mind? It’s such a great program.”

“I’m just worried about the unsafe environment.” she said. “So, we’re considering a high school in Newport Beach.”

“How will she get there though?” I asked. “The magnet school is just right down the street from your house? Wouldn’t you have to drive her there and back?”

“There’s actually a bus that picks up the kids and takes them there.” she said. “I can drive her there too, but only if I have to.”

“Tough call. Peace of mind is nice to have though if you’re worried about the environment. You did say the magnet kids are sheltered off from the riff raff though, so maybe she will be safer than you think?” I said. “I’m sure the Newport Beach high school can offer her a genuine high school experience, just because if she goes to the magnet school, she will be with the same kids for four years If you think about it, tragedy can happen anywhere at anytime, and the magnet school, even not in the best of places, gives her the edge over other college students she needs to compete with in the market place. Just throwing it all out there for you to consider.”

“Those are all good points.” she said. “Thank you, babe. I have a lot to think about.”

“Ultimately, this really has to be your decision simply because you and your him both know what’s best for Katie more than Katie knows what’s best for her. She doesn’t know all that her parents know about the world, and how tough it is out there. I think it’s a choice between either having an advantage versus the high school experience. Harvard versus UCLA, maybe? I think you have a better sense of putting her in a position for success than she does for herself.”

“I know. We have to really get together on this and come up with the best course for her.” she responded. “Thank you for your thoughts on it.”

“I want what is best for her in life. I’m sorry if I said too much, but you’ve told me so much it’s hard not to offer two cents even if it’s only worth a penny.”

“Ha! I’m glad you listen to me.”

“Everything you’ve ever said means a lot to me.” I said. “And just think. This will help you with Andrew when his time comes.”

“I haven’t even started thinking about Andrew yet! I can’t believe I’ll have to go through all of this again with him.”

“It should be a little easier though since you’ve already gone through the process with Katie.”

“Well, I wouldn’t get rid of the nanny until Andrew was out of high school.” she said. “No matter where he goes, she will stay with us.”

And just like that, my hope, my wish, and my dream crashed like a single engine plane into a wooded canyon. I performed the simple math equation she gave me and quickly concluded she would keep the nanny for another six years. I then further deduced one heartbreaking detail from the answer; she had no plans to leave Jackson for at least that long. I then tried to stave off the freefall as the good vibes I felt just minutes earlier fought against a sudden erosion.

“Have you ever been to Valentino’s?” she asked randomly.

“Valentino’s?” I wondered. “Never heard of it. Where is it located?”

“It’s an Italian restaurant in Santa Monica. Sounds like you’ve never been there before.”

“Never.”

“I know you don’t care for Italian food, but it’s really romantic.” she told me. “But I would love to go to dinner with you there one day.”

“Can we both get dressed up and have a romantic dinner together?”

“Yes, babe.”

“I think I just fell in love with Italian food.”

“Please do me a favor?”

“Of course.”

“Please save Valentino’s for us. I would love to have dinner with you there.”

Her Valentino’s request brought hope back in my heart as I instantly played out in my head such a dinner with her of such romantic magnitude.

“From this day on, I will never set foot into Valentino’s.” I promised. “Until we have dinner there together.”

“Thank you, baby. I want to experience your first time there with you.”

“There is no other way I would want to experience it for the first time.”

“Have you ever had the white truffle?” she asked randomly once again.

“Only the chocolate ones...I don’t like them though because they always get stuck on the roof of my mouth.”

“Oh babe, the white truffle is a mushroom!” she responded in laughter.

“Really? I thought truffles were those bite size tin foil chocolates. No?” I replied as she continued to laugh. “Didn’t we have this conversation before?”

“Yes! But I wondered if you ever tried the white truffle.”

“The mushroom. No. Never.”

“Oh, it’s so good babe.” she stated. “It’s like having an orgasm!”

“It’s like sex?”

“Oh yeah! It’s that good!”

Again, the negativity resurfaced as I knew she only had “sex” with one person, something she made clear months ago, and that person wasn’t me. I then tried to change the subject before even an innocuous mushroom got the best of me, but I found it hard to ignore how sensitive I became to everything she did and said as a life of meaning weighed in the balance.

“What made your day so great, today babe?” I wondered.

“There was just no drama on the phone today.”

“Oh, I see.” I replied, a great swell of disappointment consuming me. “Well, I’m glad you had a great day today babe. You deserve nothing but great days in life.”

“I love you, you know.”

“I know.”

When our phone conversation came to its end, frustration reigned as her great day failed to align with the hope I had. As I laid in my bed, I could only focus on the negatives and not the positives of out convo, as even the proposed dinner date at Valentino’s couldn’t snap me out of my funk. At nine minutes past seven that evening, the universe intervened.

ANYA: “Can u take a long lunch on the 26th or 27th? I’ll make you a B-day truffle risotto at your place.”

And just like that, as if I absorbed an electrotherapy shock wave, my mood jumped to one of pure happiness, as Anya’s association of the white truffle with sex had new meaning, and washed away the sadness I felt literally just minutes earlier. I now realized her association with the white truffle and sex had to do with us, and not with an ungrateful, unfaithful husband. Anya was the best version of any euphoric drug available in life as the mere thought of her birthday lunch idea, was the best birthday gift I ever received. She blew me away when her beauty shone through when I least expected it to, her heart like no other.

ME: “You make me feel like the luckiest person on the planet. That is very sweet of you babe.

ANYA: “Lucky me!”

ME: “I really appreciate the gesture. It’s rare I get to eat a good home cooked meal.”

ANYA: “Awww babe. U know I would everyday if I could. It would be my utmost honor and pleasure.”

ME: “If you were with me right now. I doubt we would sleep much tonight!”

ANYA: “I wish!”

ME: “All control would be out the window! You’d be in trouble tonight, babe!”

ANYA: “Haha! I love you Landyn.”

Her act of love meant a ton to me at a time I was crushed by the weight of fear as she found another way to my heart, to feed the life that gave it enough strength to beat.

Early the next morning, with her continued consistency of love, Anya texted me.

ANYA: “Want to have tea late afternoon b4 pickup?”

ME: “Can you hear my “yes” from where you are? You should be able to.”

ANYA: “Haha! Ok! I’ll let you know what time! Talk to you soon!”

When we met for tea ta two fifteen, I got caught up in Anya’s beauty as the way her hair and eyes shone in the midday sun took my breath away. She wore a long sleeve yellow striped top that pressed perfectly against her body, as an instant excitement left me in astonishment how a woman could look so beautiful in just a sweater. Of course, the sweater was nothing like a what a Peanuts character wore, but appeared tailored, and only custom made to accentuate physical perfection. When we reached Cascade Park, it took everything in my power not to rip her clothes off right there in broad daylight as the combination of her sweet scent and sensual appearance drove me to insanity. When we reached out usual spot and she turned to me, we both almost jumped out of our seats to place our lips upon their favorite place to be. As we kissed with deep affection and great appreciation for the moment, she stumbled upon the most blatant indicator of my heightened emotions, and when she did, she provided me with such relief it gave herself away as we felt the same. I wanted to make love to her right there, and I even looked around to notice we were perfectly alone, but I couldn’t bring myself to remove the sweater to reveal so badly what I wanted to feel. We didn’t talk much during this particular tea meeting at all, I guess we were both hesitant to ruin the moment of pure passion, but regardless it was one of the most, if not the most memorable time we had together at Cascade Park.

When she left my sight, sadness engulfed me more than usual as I was powerless to its consumption of my heart and my soul. Before she left though. she made plans to come visit me a few days later, so I focused on our eventual reconnection rather than her sullen departure. Upon her return home, she sent me a text.

ANYA: “Missing u.”

ME: “Missing u is an understatement.”

ANYA: “I love you.”

ME: “I love you too. You took every single breath away from me today. You looked so beautiful.”

ANYA: “Awww thank u babe. U looked cute and smelled so good! I can still taste u!”

ME: “It meant a lot for me to see you today.”

ANYA: “Me too! You made my day.”

For me to make anyeone’s day, especially her day, was the greatest gift life gave me life; a foreign feeling. Anyone in this world could have made her day, but I felt truly blessed the Universe had chosen me. I just wanted to make her day, every day, for a lifetime.

That evening I attended a farewell party for one of our staff people at the firm. We all met at a bar called the “Corner Office” to have some drinks and appetizers after work. I wasn’t a big fan of these office events mostly because I didn’t like to drink at all during the workweek. After our afternoon together, I struggled to get her off mind as I wished she could be by my side at events such as this. After over two hours of wishing she was with me, I took a break from the party crowd to let Anya know she dominated my mind. After I texted her, she quickly responded and asked me to call her.

“I miss you baby.” she answered.

“I miss you like never before.” I responded.

“How’s the farewell party?”

“It’s okay. They wanted me to do shots with them but I declined.”

“How come, babe? Are you afraid to get drunk?”

“No, babe. I think it will make me wish you were with me more than I already do.”

“I wish I could be with you there, too.” she told me. “I don’t know why, but I’m thinking about the time you left me at the bar on our first meeting. I was really sad about the way you left me that night.”

“I felt really bad about that, but the only reason I did was because you were married and I liked you a lot, and I didn’t know what else to do.” I said. “I didn’t want to hurt you, but I figured I didn’t know you, and you didn’t know me. I thought you would just forget me and chalk it up to being married.”

“I just took it so personally. I wondered about you a lot though when you were gone. When I saw you, I was completely shocked.”

“Why, babe?”

“Because I never thought I’d see you again.”

“I never thought I’d see you again, too. I guess the universe had other things in mind for us.” I retorted only with hope. “When I saw you the second time though, I had confirmation.”

“Confirmation?”

“That I knew I didn’t meet you by accident. That we were meant to meet again. That you were my fate. My destiny.” I explained. “I had no idea you were so hurt when I left you since you were married. I’m sorry.”

“I know, babe. I told myself not to take it personally because you didn’t know me, and I wasn’t in the position to tell you off.”

“Well, just so you know, I wouldn’t have been mad at you if you did tell me off.” I said “But if you weren’t married that night we met, you would have never been able to get rid of me that night. I would have never left your side. I would have stayed with you as long as you wanted me to.”

“Awww...I love you, baby.”

“I love you too.”

“I forgot to tell you something today.” she remarked abruptly.

“What is it?”

“I’m going to Mammoth with the girls next weekend.”

“No kidding? That sounds like fun.”

“It’s a girl’s weekend though babe.” she continued. “I’ve been told so by the girls.”

“I understand, babe.” I responded, relieved to know she would be away from Jackson for the weekend, a time my heart ached the most for her. “I appreciate you letting me know.”

If I learned anything about Anya over the last thirteen and a half months, it was she changed her mind often, and as maddening as it could be, she seemed to find ways for us after any down time and feelings of despair. As long as Jackson kept our relationship between them, she would only continue to find a way for us to spend time together which only affirmed my belief she should leave him. I reasoned in less than six months, she would learn of my promotion to partner so I could make a real push for her, but until then I remained susceptible to bouts of sadness. If Anya changed her mind about “just the girls” weekend in Mammoth, I would make myself available to be there in a heartbeat At the same time though, it made me feel safer to m v know she was away from Jackson.

The next day fell on a Saturday as they now morphed into the hardest nights for me to endure. To help stave off my negative emotions when I didn’t hear from her that morning, I texted her.

ANYA: “I miss u too! I can’t wait to get close to you again.”

After her morning text, silence ensued once again until four that Saturday afternoon.

ANYA: “Been up since 4. I’m going to take a nap. Just wanted to say hello. I miss u, I love u. Nite.”

When I usually received early “nite” texts from her, negative thoughts thundered in my head, however this time around I laughed as she seemed wiped out, or maybe I she made me feel safer. Saturday nights were brutal on my mind now as it afforded her the opportunity to drink and be more social than the weekdays did. Her temporary yet likely impairment of rational though breathed life into the unknown variable when we were apart, and alone at home with Jackson, times that certainly led to sex with him. I felt confident she loved me, but it was tough for me to understand because we had shared so much. Early “nites” stoked the flame of uncertainty inside, and if she likened the white truffle to sex, I couldn’t help but wonder what led up to those sexual moments with him. How did it take place? Was it make-up sex? Did she ever make any advances? Did she want it as bad, if not more, than he did? Did she have to give sex more often to throw him off our scent? Is that why he let up on her? Is that why she had a great drama free day? What led Jackson to feel more secure, enough to cause her no drama, even after she refused to passionately kiss him, and after he suspected her to have a relationship?

As much as I tried to bury these thoughts, and trust in her love, the reality was she chose to be with Jackson, and promised me nothing even as much she missed and loved me made it a tough reality to accept. Especially on a Saturday night, when the kids were likely out with their friends and maybe even gone away for the night. And for me to ignore that reality would be living the same false life Anya did. If I lived the same life I criticized her for living, there could be no greater hypocrite than me.

Nights like this, brought me back to memories of despair when Denise left me for another man. How on those nights I played the possible scenes out in my head, an act of mindful mutilation I couldn’t avoid if I tried. How many times I hoped a phone would ring that never did. These Saturday nights without Anya, now made those lonely nights without Denise seem like a walk in the park as never knew nor believed a mental anguish like this ever existed on this level, even as I trusted in Anya’s love for me.

I refused to let me mind run free and instead opted to read so I could feel close to her. Thirty minutes later, I took a break from the candle light vigil I seemed to hold for myself, at a little after ten. When I rose from my bed, I noticed a red light that shone upon my nightstand, from a phone placed there.

ANYA: “Missing u. Goodnight Sweets. I love you.”

After I read her text, I sent her the same sentiments, then blew out my candle. Anya’s message of thoughtfulness also killed the parallel of a silent phone from Denise that showed the difference between a woman who didn’t love me and one who did.

The next morning, I checked my phone to see if Anya texted me.

ANYA: “Good morning!”

I felt a little on the insecure side when her weekend “good morning” text was so closed ended as it lacked a simple “how r u” or “what’s going on today?”. I guess it was better than to hear nothing from her, which I’m sure was behind why she sent it. At this stage of our relationship though, after all we’ve shared, I not only wanted more, but expected it; why I became ultra sensitive to the quick and dirty “Good morning!” text as it carried more of an obligation to it than an emotion. I felt I deserved more now, but at the same time, I had to respect her situation as speculation only led to my mind’s self destruction.

A little later that afternoon, since I hadn’t heard from her since her quick and dirty “good morning” message, I reached out to her to see how she was doing.

ANYA: “I’m good. Can u call me?”

When she asked me to call her, it brought me back to the time when she saw the movie “Unfaithful” and I never heard from her, but when I did she wanted to suddenly end our relationship. I felt the same could happen all over again, at the height of my feelings for her, as hesitance took the wheel. I convinced myself she planned to tell me something negative; to mark her triumphant return to inconsistency and to show me nothing close to what she felt during the past few days. I learned over this particular weekend, her negative emotions would eventually find me like a tsunami wave that reached the shore; something you knew could come but you also never saw coming until it hits you. I took notice how during the week she and I became closer, but when the kids were home on the weekend, inconsistency prevailed. I felt this was another one of those times, when her tsunami wave of inconsistent emotions would crush me under the weight of my mortality. I held my breath as I listened to the rings of her phone before she picked up.

“Hi babe.” she said. “How are you?”

“Hi Sweetheart. I’m good now.” I said as I exhaled. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too.” she said. “I just wanted you to know I was in San Juan Capistrano today. I tried to see if I could come see you, but I ran out of time.”

Anya had a way, her own way, to show me how much she missed me. At times, I broke my own heart in constant dread about all I didn’t know, things I didn’t know if I even wanted to. It just really broke my heart to think what I did before we talked, as once again, I was wrong. Although, I loved it when she proved me wrong as I never wanted to be right about my negative emotions.

“That’s very thoughtful,” I said. “You don’t know how much that means to me.”

“I just wanted you to know I do try.” she said “And that I was bummed out.”

“I would’ve given anything to see you. I’m really missing you this weekend, but I think we both feel the same so we’ll see each other soon enough. And you never have to give me a heads up. Just show up anytime you ever want to. I’ll always operate on short notice when it comes to seeing you even for a short time.”

“Thank you, baby. It means a lot to know that. What r u up to?”

“Well, I was thinking about going to the mall to find a pair of slacks. Slacks are as hard a buy for me as jeans are.”

“Really? How come?”

“Because I have a big butt!” I exclaimed. “I need pleated slacks and they never seem to have them.”

“O.M.G. You’re too much!” she said as she laughed.

“Do you see why, if we ever went shopping together and I needed to buy pants of any kind, how you might need to schedule around your whole day shopping?”

“I wouldn’t mind!”

Just a couple of minutes earlier, I felt an onslaught of negative emotions would soon overwhelm me, but to hear Anya’s laugher brought me back into the realm of happiness and hope. After our conversation, and miraculously after only an hour at the mall, I found a pair of pleated black slacks. When I left Macy’s with bag in one hand, I sent Anya a text to reveal my accomplishment with the other.

ANYA: “NO WAY!!! Congratulations! I’m happy for u! Just got home.”

ME: “I think your voice gave me good luck! Thank you for trying to see me today, babe. As much as it bummed me out because you ran out of time, too, it was awfully sweet and thoughtful of you.”

ANYA: “I really did try. I try every chance I get. I dropped off Katie and her friends on 5th street for an hour cuz they wanted to “walk around”. It’s always something.”

ME: “When you’re open with me, even if it breaks my heart, it helps me not to let my mind drift and to understand better. Thank you. I love you.

ANYA: “I love you too. Miss u.”

I had to continually tell myself when she was with her kids, it was hard for her to find time for us. I really did understand the challenge it posed for her because I wanted to badly enough to be wrong about my negative thoughts. So, I could put them to rest and carry on with my life, and not be paralyzed by it. But it helped whenever she shared details, not only to quiet the cruel critic in my head, but to also better perceive and understand what she’s up against the next time I get a quick “good morning” text. The fact she cared enough to send me a text, gave me comfort to know I was at least on her mind, and I would never want her to put me above her kids anyway. Her life with Jackson though created a fuzzy screen, the “unknown variable” that swallowed my positivity down whole; the dark entity that threatened my peace and understanding on a daily basis. But when Anya sent me texts like on this day, to let me know she tried to see me, it made me feel more secure and staved off the negative emotions from holding my positive thoughts hostage.

Later that evening, before Anya faded into tomorrow, she sent me a text.

ANYA: “Have a goodnight babe. Sorry it didn’t work out today. I love you.”

ME: “Thank you for trying, Sweetheart. Have a goodnight. I love you too.”

Mondays seemed to carry a pattern as one of those days during the week that left me with questions and filled me with fear. Quiet Monday morning left me to wonder if her implicit ambivalence towards us would appear the more she hung out with her kids, which she did more so from Friday to Monday morning, as I felt abandoned during those particular days. On this Monday morning however, I expected and anticipated a text from her, but when it never came, I reached out to her.

ANYA: “I’m good. Went to bed early last night. How’s work? Can u still have lunch tomorrow?”

The Anya I knew would’ve never asked “Can u still have lunch tomorrow?”. She would have only exclaimed “I can’t wait to see u tomorrow!”. Nothing would’ve ever stopped her nor would she even have given me an out. This cold realization only led my mind to drift toward the edge of darkness as her inconsistency, for reasons unknown to me, ensued.

ME: “Good to hear. No, we’re still good for lunch tomorrow. I’m on top of my work load. I miss you.”

The last time Anya visited me was three days before Christmas, and with today being the twentieth day of the new year, I was ultra sensitive because I hadn’t seen her in a month. Last year she thought I faked an illness she wanted to see me so badly, after her holiday events kept us apart for a few weeks. So, I knew she’d never make such a suggestion a year ago, and it made me wonder after all we’ve shared, after she shunned Jackson on New Year’s, her apprehension made little sense to me. What kept him from further accusations and interrogations? If she made holiday plans without my knowledge with him, couldn’t she had also patched things up with him? After all, why would he no longer question her? Why would she give me an out the day she came to visit me for the first time in a month?

ANYA: “Oh good babe! I miss you to. Just taking Katie home. She’s groggy.”

When I read Katie was groggy, I thought less critically of her text. Maybe she feared Katie could be sick tomorrow, and she would have to stay home with her? But if that was true, I wished she’d just tell me that instead of putting the onus on me if we didn’t meet. If Katie was sick, I didn’t care how long it’s been since I’ve seen Anya. I never minded to take a back seat to her kids, and would encourage Anya to stay home. I just refused to take a back seat to her philandering husband, knowledge she gave me about him, and the only reason I found trust to be in her life in the first place.

ME: “I’m sorry to hear Katie is feeing under the weather. I hope she feels better. Have a good day, babe. Chat later.”

As the day carried on, and grateful we were on better terms this week, I was able to focus and be productive at work as I prepped for the busiest audit season in the firm’s history. On my lunch hour, I texted Anya to see how Katie was feeling.

ANYA: “She wanted Jamba so I had Chunky Strawberry! I can’t wait to see u tomorrow!”

When I read her text, relief and happiness washed over me as it felt like the next day was the beginning of a three day weekend knowing I would see her. It felt good to see the “weekend Anya” now morphed into the “Weekday Anya”; the Anya who appreciated me. Later that afternoon I reached out to her again to see how her day went.

ANYA: “It was fine. Did u start your 10 hr work days yet?”

ME: “Oh yes, busy season is in full swing for me now. Today was the first 10 hour day. I’ll be working 10 – 12 hour days, 6 days a week, for the next four months. I miss u! Can’t wait for lunch tomorrow!”

ANYA: “OMG! I miss u so much! I can’t wait to be in your arms again! I’m excited!”

ME: “I’m excited too! Can’t wait to have you in them! How is Katie feeling? Any better?”

ANYA: “Idk b/c I can tell Katie will be needy when she gets home from dance. She was grumpy when I dropped her off. Yup, welcome to my life!”

ME: “She went to dance? She’s a trooper. I guess I’d be a little cranky too.”

ANYA: “Ok here’s a classic text from Katie right now from dance. “I don’t feel good but I’ll whatever…stay. If it will make u happy. Like whatever”. Yup.”

ME: “Oh boy.”

ANYA: “I asked her if she would like me to pick her up early and her response was “like whatever no”! Funny huh? So, there you have it. Probably no reading tonite.”

It sounded as if Anya made her go to dance, even when she felt under the weather, but it didn’t seem like something Anya would ever force Katie to do. When Anya told me, her day was “fine”, I knew better to believe it as it seemed she had a tough day with her sick daughter. It was none of my business, and it was between mother and daughter, so I didn’t ask about it. Anya was a good mother, I saw it all the time, but I could see how Katie seemed to always be pushed to her limits, to the point I worried if she might ever break down. From all I gathered from her texts, she seemed overburdened to some extent, especially if she wasn’t feeling well. I knew Anya pushed her kids to be successful, and I found it admirable, but I also knew everyone had their breaking points. All I could do was hope Katie never reached hers.

It also seemed Katie was being punished at times for the marriage, as the more Katie and Andrew were absorbed in activities, the less aware they would be of its abnormality. That if they were loaded with things to do, they wouldn’t have the time to pay attention to the marital problems. To go from school to activity, to activity to homework and then to bed, left them little time to witness the loveless marriage around them. It made me sad to think, even more than Anya and I being apart, that was the reality. That the kids were being pushed to the point of being overwhelmed in an effort to keep the troubled marriage a secret from them; another reason I felt so strongly why Anya should leave her marriage. Katie and Andrew’s childhood only lasted a small portion of their life and it belonged to them. It should be a time of joy, not stress. They had their entire adult lives to worry and be stressed out. It seemed they were possibly pushed into a number of activities because of the marital woes, that only robbed them both of their childhood and maybe even the life they truly wanted to live. Why were they being punished for the problems in the marriage? Were they being pushed into careers they didn’t truly want or believe in? Were they pushed upon a unyielding path of success to give everyone around them the image they were the perfect family? To protect themselves from others finding out the truth? Were they victims and tools of Jackson’s business and political aspirations? If so, did Anya never possess the power to leave him? Is that why she still didn’t know?

There were a ton of questions I had. A lot of feelings I put on the back burner because I didn’t want to blow our relationship out of the water if I was wrong about some of these things.

My feeling was this though...I had to be right about something.

If not?

Everything.