“Lay back in my tenderness

Let’s make this a night we won’t forget

Girl, I need your sweet caress.

Reach out to a fantasy

Two hearts in the beat of ecstasy

Come to me, girl”

~ "The Lady in My LIfe" Michael Jackson

The next day, after a beautiful weekend that brought the most hopeful days of our relationship, blessings only the universe could have provided continued to arrive.

ANYA: “I love you! I’m going to San Diego this weekend w/Katie and her ballet teacher, competition. I’m staying at the Island hotel in the Gas Lamp District.”

ME “I love you too! I’m happy for you, babe. You and Katie can get some quality time together. The Gas Lamp District is a fun part of town. I didn’t know they had an Island hotel there.”

ANYA: “I haven’t been to that part of town. Well she has competition all day Fri and convention all day Sun. We have Sat to play so I’m excited!”

After she shared her plans, I started to compose a text to ask if I could meet her there, but my thoughts jumped to her heartbreak over Katie’s struggles, and I deleted the query from my phone. At the very least, it did my heart good to know she was away from Jackson.

ME “I’m happy for you babe! You deserve the down time! I’m sure you guys will have a blast! It’s a fun part of town!”

ANYA: “You don’t want to get a room there for one night, do you? Even if u do, I couldn’t see you until Katie goes to bed on Sat night. I’d just come to your room late.”

All I could do was pinch myself as I read her text several times as. The necklace seemed magical as it brought a love from her, I never thought I’d feel again, after she learned of Katie’s adversity. Just the other day, a day she nearly canceled on her visit to see me, I gave her the “thingie” and things started to change, as it reignited the beauty of our love, so much so, she dreamt of our wedding, and now a night together in San Diego. She still believed in us. That she refused to quit us. And like me, she told me “I believe in love”. If one of us couldn’t believe in our love, then what could either of us ever believe in? Without her knowledge, and to my great delight, she showed Mitch how wrong he was about everything as she made me feel like her hero again. As long as it didn’t make her feel guilty or took her time away from Katie, there was no way I wouldn’t go down to spend time with her. Even if I only got to hold her for an hour, the trip was worth every penny.

ME: “I’d love to, babe! As long as I don’t steal that time away from Katie, I’d love to get a room for one night.”

ANYA: “OK great! Same hotel? You can go online and get a room cheaper than going directly to their website.”

ME: “Thanks for the tip. I’ll be sure to do that. I’ll book a room at the Island Hotel for Saturday night!”

ANYA: “Sorry to disappoint you but Thursday is my scheduled 28th day of the month which means Sat is a bummer. Still ok with you to come down?”

ME: “I know I’m a different type of man than what you’re used to, but this is 100% true. Remember the guy who was okay with just playing a board game on our first date? I’m still that guy. As great as it is to experience with you, there’s so much more to you than the love making. I love spending time with you and any chance I get, it feels just like Christmas morning when I was a kid. If I can hold you in my arms, I’m not only the happiest man alive, but the luckiest too. You never have to ask me that ever again because love making is only one way of showing you how much you mean to me.”

ANYA: “This is what impresses me every time. You don’t care about what kind of shape or form. You’re just happy to see me and I so appreciate that. I love you forever.”

ME: “You don’t know how much just seeing you or being around you means to me. You’re not just one thing to me, you’re everything. I love you forever. I’ll book the room right now.”

ANYA: “Oh I was thinking if you should make the room reservation under a different name? You just never know. What do you think?”

ME: “Ok, babe. I’ll put it under an alias just to be on the safe side.”

ANYA: “Sorry, do u think I’m too paranoid?”

ME: “I don’t know if you are or not. Never been in this situation before, but I think it’s a good idea.”

ANYA: “I just think it would be easy for him to pick up the phone and ask to be connected to L. Lastman’s room. They would connect him. That would be his confirmation and I wouldn’t want him to drive down.”

ME: “I agree. I’ll be sure to do that. I’m sorry I didn’t consider that first.”

Anya confused being “paranoid” to being sensible as he could paint Anya to be “unfit” as a mother if he confirmed his wife’s lover was with her and their daughter in San Diego. It made me mad at myself to not consider the possibility at all as I vowed to be more cognizant of the perilous ground we now tread upon. I never could imagine myself, at any point in my life before I met Anya, in this kind of scenario. From an observer without any information about their marriage, or the kind of man Jackson was, I’d be the first to say I deserve to be shot dead. Any man who was found with a man’s wife in a hotel room while her daughter was at the same hotel in a room downstairs had to be on the same level as a pedophile. That would not only destroy a family but basically murder another man’s mind. In most cases, for me to show up in San Diego would be a heinous, unconscionable act, however, this was so much different. Of course, it would’ve been better if Anya was at least separated from Jackson, but Anya initiated pretty much every meeting we ever had. In fact, Anya spent more time with me than any of my prior girlfriends did, and they were free to love me at any time, and even free from a marriage and the responsibility of raising two teenage kids. Anya’s love for me spoke loudly about her disdain for Jackson’s dishonor of her and their marriage. Since she initiated our relationship and I only pushed her to listen to herself, and rightfully so, I could only see the goodness of our love. If I could never see that, I would’ve not only easily declined her invitation, but also initiated the end of our relationship.

After I booked my hotel room for the upcoming Saturday night, I breezed through the rest of the work day and caught up on all my engagements much to the delight of Jerry. As the day continued, Anya sent me a text to ensure it continued to progress in the right direction.

ANYA: “Can’t wait to wear my thingie with you.”

Anya’s consistency, her continued show of love with zero mixed feelings, kept my emotions completely in check, where they needed to be. Like an astronaut who planned to step on the moon without a spacesuit, it was impossible to fake this kind of love. Over the last few days, our relationship experienced a rebirth. All the elements essential for us to make it, and even a wedding she dreamt of I died to know the details of, were there. This text could only come from a woman not only loved me wholly and completely, but felt absolutely safe with me. A woman who valued and appreciated the rare and splendid beauty of our love as much as I did. It’s why she could never quit me, and why it would be criminal for me to ever quit her. She needed this love in her life, and I felt blessed to be the one who made her feel this safe. I just wanted the chance to do it for the rest of her lifetime and beyond.

The very moment I entered my apartment after work, Anya sent me a text.

ANYA: “Better say goodnight. Sorry, I forgot to describe the wedding. I will tell you tom. Xoxo.”

Goodnight texts, indifferent to people in different everyday situations, were significant in this one. As simple the gesture, her goodnight texts at this time were like Valium as I knew where her head may not lie, but where her heart did. I then imagined her in my arms, with her necklace on in San Diego, and the next thing I knew, I was awoken by an alarm clock at six.

The next day, the tenth one in March was a day of significance; my mother’s sixty second birthday. After all she endured with her latest bout with Cancer, this birthday was very special. My mother battled Cancer now for twenty two years, but her current battle struck me hard how much I took her previous birthdays for granted. How each of those years that passed, only my mother knew how precious they truly were, and the gratefulness she had for them. When I realized how all those years were special for her, and not just this one, I felt ashamed for not recognizing how much her prior birthdays meant until now. Something about her battle this time around though had a different feel because it was harder to hide from me. I remembered her excitement while on the drug Femarra, an alternative to chemo and something she never wanted to be on. Now she was on chemo for life, and as much as she believed in God, it had to break her spirit a bit when she revealed it to me, the one she always tried to hide her battle from. For the first time on her birthday, I wondered how many more I had to celebrate with her.

That evening, I planned to drive to my parent’s house after work to wish my mother a happy birthday in person as the day got off to a great start for me when Anya made good on a promise.

ANYA: “It was small and intimate. Outside garden. I only saw green. No church. It was towards the end of the wedding. Our families were there with our close friends. You looked very handsome in your tux and I had a simple long dress, strapless. We were very happy but no details of the wedding itself. Your mom was happy. They all stood around at the end of the wedding and asked us why we couldn’t move in together. Well you know the rest. That’s all. Don’t remember everything.”

ME: “The only thing simple about your description of you in a “simple long strapless dress” is that you’re simply the most beautiful bride a man could ever lay his eyes upon. Even though it’s only a dream, I’m sure I cried when I saw you. I couldn’t imagine being any happier in life about anything. I love your dream. Thank you for sharing.”

ANYA: “I think reading about Bella getting married to Edward, wanting to be with you plus receiving a thingie from you prompted the dream.”

ME: “I’m one lucky man to be in a dream like that of yours.”

ANYA: “It was a happy dream. It was strange b/c although we couldn’t move in together, we were very happy.”

ME: “I think we’d be happy just knowing we could love each other freely. It didn’t need to be perfect because we’re already perfect for each other. I couldn’t imagine life being any more perfect than having you in it forever anyway. I know it’s only a dream but it makes me very happy. Thank you for sharing.”

ANYA: “You’re welcome! I’m excited about Sat!”

ME: “I haven’t stopped thinking about Sat since you told me about it!”

Her description of the wedding, second in beauty to her, gave me so much life and melted my heart at the same time. Even though It was only a dream, it inspired me to have another productive work day as I was back in front of the work I fell behind on. To have someone dream of a wedding with you, when you loved them so much, didn’t have to be real to feel real. When my lunch hour arrived, I messaged Anya to see how her day was going.

ANYA: “I’m good. Morning was thrown off so just trying to get sorted for the day. What time do you work till on Sat? I feel bad you have to drive to SD after a long day.”

ME: “Babe, I want to drive to SD especially after a long day if I get to see you! Just knowing I get to see you makes the work day that much better. It honestly doesn’t feel like work at all. My biggest problem will be slower than ever moving clock I have to deal with! I’ll drive straight from work when I get off at 4. What are you doing this afternoon?”

ANYA: “Well I’m having lunch w/our CFO’s wife today. She’s been feeling nervous about the economy and I think she’s nervous about her husband’s job.”

ME: “Oh, I see.”

ANYA: “Of course, I can’t say anything for I don’t even know. I’m trying to keep our communication open and comfort her so he doesn’t jump ship. Could be a long lunch.”

I wondered if this was something Jackson asked her to do as I sensed his fear to lose their CFO amid all the layoffs he administered due to the economic downturn. The housing market nosedived throughout California as many new construction projects grinded to a halt. The supply was there, but demand dried up when the stock market took a tumble as overzealous contactors overestimated economic growth. Jackson’s Company, Caiaphas Property Group, did well enough over the years to sustain itself against a recession, however his layoffs suggested he planned to take little chances. As most people lost their jobs elsewhere due to the recent economic downturn, the CFO appeared to see the forest before the trees. Why wouldn’t Jackson just offer the CFO his assurances rather than have Anya handle his political posturing? Anything she did for Jackson, even a lunch with his CFO’s wife, just didn’t feel good, but a Saturday night in San Diego made it tolerable. She then elaborated on something else she planned for him.

ANYA: “We’re also having a symposium. I have to find the time today to somehow start planning for it.”

When she mentioned the symposium, my heartbeat increased as if she had just walked inside my office. I wanted to know the date, but how could I ask her without sounding like it was something I needed to know?

ME: “I guess it’s safe to say you don’t have a date planned for that event yet!”

ANYA: “Ha! Well, not really but we’re thinking some time either at the end of March or April.”

The best way to get that info was through a statement rather than a question, but there was one other bit of information I desperately needed to know, much more than the date.

ME: “Are these symposiums something you usually attend?”

ANYA: “I usually don’t attend them, but I might be needed for this one because of the layoffs.”

I now knew no further what to do than I did before I asked her. All I knew were two things; I had to be at the symposium and I could be set back emotionally if I saw her there by his side. This really left me with no choice now but to tell her I knew her husband. How fair would it be to catch her off guard at the event? She almost had a coronary when I showed up at the movies after told I her “no thanks” then changed my mind. Although it made me feel dishonest that I never revealed that I knew her husband, she never told me about his prominence that would have given me more insight into why she never left him. That she should have told me who and what she was married to, and not just that she was married. So maybe there was some justice in not letting her know and a lesson in it for her? Regardless, it didn’t make me feel any better. As I drove to my parent’s house, these thoughts bounced back and forth inside my head, but rather than remain uncertain about what to do, I decided it was best to just let the right place, and time, naturally make the decision for me.

When I arrived at my destination, and as I came to the back door, the shade wasn’t drawn and my mother wasn’t there. I kept my hand on the doorknob before I turned it as I revisited the dream I had for a few seconds. As I swung the door open, the voices from both of my parents filled the air. As I walked into the kitchen, they sat at the dinner table together, a scene I hadn’t witnessed since I moved out several years ago. When my mother saw me she jumped out of her chair, then walked gingerly to hug me. I wished her a happy birthday, kissed her on the top of her bald head and handed her the DVD I held. I then said hello to my dad, who continued to sit and gave him a pat on the back before I took a chair at the table.

“Oh my God!” she said as she fanned herself. ““Everybody Loves Raymond”!”

“It’s the entire first season.” I exclaimed. “Please sit down, and I’ll put it inside your room.”

My mom just nodded and continued fan her hands to her mouth as she appeared to have eaten something hot or spicy.

“Did you eat a pepperoncini in your salad, Mom?” I asked.

“No.” she said as she tried to compose herself. “There’s no pepperonconis.”

“Are there chili peppers in your salad?” I asked.

“It’s the sores in my mouth from the chemo.” she said. “It’s hard for me to eat anything right now.”

“Oh.” I said.

“She can eat but sometimes it burns her mouth.” elaborated my Father. “Are you okay, Mom?”

“I’m fine, Dad” she said as she gulped some water down.

My mother always referred to my father as “Dad” and my Father referred to my mother as “Mom”. It was just something they always did since I was a child. It used to bother me when I grew older just because it felt as if they didn’t acknowledge I had grown up. Now though, they probably used it to bring back memories when life was easier, before chemo treatments that would never cease. I didn’t know much about the side effects of chemotherapy, other than I knew it made people nauseous and their hair fell out, but now I was introduced to another; mouth sores that stole my mother’s ability to enjoy a simple salad. As if the news of her cancer wasn’t bad enough to deal with, after she lost a breast and her hair, now she lost one of life’s simplest of pleasures; a good meal. After I dropped off the DVD in her room. I sat at the table with her and my father as my mother finished her salad with little trouble. My mother asked me if I wanted to eat with them, but with her Cancer on my mind, I lost my appetite for a meal. My father then brought out a small chocolate frosted birthday cake and we sang my mother happy birthday before we each had a piece. After we were done, I washed the dishes as my father had to return to work at the park as he had to finish his shift. My mother then headed to her room to watch the very first episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” and I joined her after I put the dishes away.

As I took my usual seat in her faded pink recliner and she sat on her bed, my dream the other night about my mother and this new side effect of chemotherapy clashed while we viewed her birthday gift on her television. Here it was her birthday, she loved God so much, yet she couldn’t enjoy it. She should have enjoyed this day but something told me this day brought more fear and sadness than joy. It made me mad, and I couldn’t blame no one but God for his reward for her loyalty. God’s failure to love my mother upset me so much I fell silent, afraid to upset her, and make it an even worse day for her than it already was. She then took notice as I remained silent even during a funny sitcom.

“How is she?” she asked.

“What?” I asked.

“How is Anya?” she asked.

“Oh, she’s fine.” I said. “She’s doing really good, actually.”

“Does she know about my Cancer? Did you tell her?”

“She does. I did.” I said. “It’s a lot for me to process and she’s a licensed nurse.”

“She is? I thought she only worked for her husband?”

“She was a licensed nurse before she got married. She does only work for her husband right now though.” I said. “I confided in her because she’s been around cancer patients before as a nurse and it helps me to understand what you’re going through. She’s really been there for me.”

“I bet she worried.” she asked.

“She asks me about you every day. Always wanting to know how you’re doing.” I said. “She even told me she wished she could meet you and help out.”

“She really said that?” my mother asked as her eyes widened.

“She did.” I said. “But of course, she can’t, you know…”

“She’s a sweetheart.”

“She has a beautiful heart.” I said. “I could never be with her if she didn’t.”

“Does she know that I know who she is?”

“I haven’t told her yet.”

“It would be nice to meet her one day.” she said. “but I understand what she’s going through at home.”

“I would love for her to meet you.” I said as I feared the indifference of time. “Things have been really hard on her lately though. A lot harder than it usually is.”

“Did something happen?” she asked.

“Almost a month ago, she found an essay her daughter wrote for her English class on her computer. She “FedExed” it to me along with a letter she wrote. I received it the next day.”

“She must have really wanted to get it to you as soon as possible. What did it say?”

“Her daughter wrote in her essay that she overheard “her mom threaten her dad” with divorce.” I said.

“Oh my god.”

“And her daughter blamed herself for it. She blamed herself for all the problems her parents were having because she thought they were upset with her about her grades.”

“That must have been so heartbreaking for her to read.” she said. “As a mother, I couldn’t imagine how horrified she was just coming across it let alone if her daughter turned the essay in to her teacher.”

“Thanks for that, mom. I want to see that side of it but the love I have for her is so deep, I’m afraid to lose her and I can’t see the mother side of things, not because I don’t want to but because I’ve grown dependent on her in my life.”

“Her kids are always going to be number one, Landy. You knew that going in.” she said. “Any time her kids struggle it’s going to break her heart in a million pieces, and you have to be prepared for her to do what’s best for them.”

“I fine with being number three, after her son and daughter, and I would never put myself above them, but she matters too.” I said. “I saw the essay through a spouse’s eyes, not through the eyes of a mother. I’m not saying I don’t understand her feelings towards it, I’m just saying I saw it in a different light.”

“How so?”

“I felt her daughter’s essay revealed how the marriage hurts the kids.” I said. “I understand a mother’s love but I felt she overreacted. There are women who stay for the kids for good reason, who make sacrifices for the right reasons, but I don’t see the right in her reason to stay.”

“What do you want her to do?”

“I want her to be an honest person.” I said. “I want her to no longer deceive her kids so they can go to bed at night knowing they aren’t to blame for anything.”

“What if they blame you?” she said. “I hope you’re prepared for that, because that’s what they’ll do.”

“I’d rather them blame me than her or themselves.” I said. “Why allow them go to bed at night with that burden on their minds? After all we’ve shared, and to know she has a man in her life who would be there for her every step of the way. I don’t understand how she could choose a lie over the truth anymore.”

“It can’t be easy for at home right now.” she said.

“I think she is beginning to realize what I’ve already known.” I said. “There’s something else in play here. I don’t know if this is a sign or not, but one of the girls he cheated with, her son plays on the same baseball team as her son. I mean…this happened at almost the same time she found her daughter’s essay. I can’t see any coincidence in it. It brought back a lot of emotions and hopefully the reason I’m in her life is clearer to her now. It’s literally right in her face every day.”

“Sounds like God may be working behind the scenes.”

“Or something is working behind the scenes.” I said. “We’re made from stardust, you know.”

“Can I ask you a hypological question?” she asked abruptly.

“You mean a hypothetical question?”

“Yeah, I’ll ask you that kind of question too. I’ll cover both.”

“I can’t wait to hear this.” I said through a laugh.

“If you met God on the day you died, and he judged you based on all you just shared with me, how would you respond?”

“Okay, so the hypothetical question is what if God actually exists.”

“No, the hypothetical question is if on the day you died you met God, not if he doesn’t exist. Capesh?”

“Alright, well then would you agree with me that God, if He exists, that his entire existence is predicated on love? And that he stands for love more than anything else?” I asked.

“Of course. God is love.” she said.

“If that is true, then I would respond to him with a question.”

“You would respond to your savior, who asked you a question, with a question?”

“Yes.” I said. “Because I would need an explanation only he could provide.”

“What’s the question?” she asked as she folded her arms as if she were God, but in his striped pajamas.

“Isn’t it better to have two people in love rather than two people not in love? What good could two people, no longer in love because of broken vows, ever do for the world? And If my love for Anya, and her love for me, caused her husband to actually fall in love with someone else, how could four people truly in love ever be a bad thing?” I stated. “Please forgive me for I only followed my heart and was not out for pleasure. I truly loved this woman, and I wanted to see her in a better place. I believed if she were happy, it would be reflected upon others. Her kids actually believed the most loving person in this world, their own mother, was unloving; only the devil could create that kind of deception. I opened up the part of her heart that locked away all the love inside of her, and if God is love, how could that ever be wrong in any situation, especially an earthly one where the devil roams free? Knowing we are made of your image, and love should be the ultimate goal, I saw an opportunity to love someone in pain, and to be loved by them so I took a chance. If that’s a sin, then I’ll take my soul’s fate, but I acted only for the sake and beauty of love.”

“Do you know what my dying wish is for you?” she asked.

“No.”

“That you’ll find God.” she said.

I nodded in reluctance but she asked for the impossible at a time I questioned him more than ever.

“He’s going to have to explain your Cancer to me.” I said. “Because I don’t understand it.”

“Am I so special Landy that I can’t get Cancer?” she said. “God doesn’t work that way.”

“Well, I think he needs to find a better way of going about his work.” I said. “If he wants me to believe in him, he’s definitely made it clear he doesn’t love me at all.”

“You couldn’t be more wrong about anything in your life, Landy.” she said. “You have no idea how wrong you are about that.”

God was where she drew her strength from while the only thing I could draw from God was my ire. I never followed with a rebuttal to what she told me, but how could he ever allow my wonderful mother to suffer so much? My mother’s dying wish made disheartened me greatly, because I knew I could never make it come true for her. Not after I now knew what his “love” was like. I couldn’t even have the one I loved, who also loved me. How could I possibly put any faith in his love for me? I also didn’t want Cancer as apparently that was your reward for loving him. Coincidences existed. The Universe existed. God did not. And if He did exist, regardless of what my mother told me, if I couldn’t have the simplest thing that everyone else seemed to have, love, then He could never exist in my heart, even if He did.

To stymie the conversation we had about God, I showed my mother a picture of the necklace I got for Anya. Her eyes seemed to pop out of her head when she saw it.

“Oh my God, Landy. That is very nice.” she said. “I love it. It’s so pretty. I don’t even have something that nice to wear.”

“Do you think it’s too nice? I wanted her to have something nice but also something simple. I wanted her to be able to wear it around without her husband suspecting anything.”

“I guess if she hides it under her shirt.”

“Really? You think it’s too showy?”

“I don’t know Honey. I don’t have any jewelry anymore.” she said. “Not since they robbed us and took our wedding rings, and every other piece of jewelry your father ever bought for me, and I bought for myself.”

“I guess I was too young to realize how important those things are.” I said as I remembered the day our house was broken into years ago.

As I steered clear of our conversation about God, only to stumble into another mudhole, I decided it was best cut our misery off and to say goodnight. On the way home, I thought of my mother’s misfortunes in life. She lost her best friend when she was sixteen in an auto accident. She sacrificed her education, and had to quit school before she got to high school to take care of her father so her mother could work to support them. At nineteen, she then had to watch her strong father, her hero and protector become so frail, she was stronger than him when he died. Due to living poor, in her thirties she lost her top front teeth and had to wear fake ones. She then got Cancer, lost a breast, then lost her own mother to cancer, then lost her hair, and lost the ability to be chemo free, yet she not only still believed God existed, but that he loved her. That He blessed her in this life. I just couldn’t get it out of my mind how much He fucked her over. Yet, I left the house on this night with an extreme sense of guilt. That I couldn’t give my mother her dying wish. That I whined about any of my personal problems. That I made her worry when I would come home drunk after a night out. That I couldn’t find a single good reason to believe in God. That I never thought to buy her a necklace for her birthday instead of a DVD. I blamed God for it all. I believed the Bible was a good book, and a moral way to live life, but God couldn’t exist because of all he allowed my mother to endure. Yet, here was Jackson Caiaphas, the bastard had everything a man could ever want on this earth. Success, beautiful wife and two great kids. Why would God love a man who cheated on his wife, and by doing so his children as well, several times, and allow my mother to go through all she did, if He truly existed? If He did, how could he let this happen? As disgust consumed me on the way home, thankfully, the only good thing that ever happened in my life had texted me, and when I pulled into the driveway, I responded.

ANYA: “How was your moms? How is she?”

ME: “It was nice. We had cake and hung out for a bit. Her chemo treatments have been really hard on her. She’s going through a lot, babe. More than I realized.”

ANYA: “It can’t be easy for you either. Wish I could support freely. I love you.”

ME: “Thank you. It’s definitely weighing on my mind for sure. I love you too.”

My mother’s dying wish was for me to believe in God. How could I believe in Him when I felt betrayed by Him? God and Judas were synonymous. He was on a mission to steal my mother away from me. How could I ever trust him even if I believed in Him? He had to give me something to trust in, and to take my mother’s life would never allow us to start off on the right foot. I already felt betrayed by Him in more ways than one. When Denise left me, I grew so tired of losing women I wanted to be with, I raged against Him. If he had no intention of being fair and just with me, then why not have the balls to just kill me? The Jackson Caiaphases of the world are living heaven on earth, while they are cheating on their wives, yet the good, loyal and trustworthy men were not worthy of the love they desired, but instead only deserved loneliness? Give me something to believe in, then pass judgment upon me, but if you don’t plan to do that, why don’t you just take my life from me for good, since you basically already have? You cursed me from the womb, so why not act godly for once, and finish the job already? I just couldn’t believe God had brainwashed my mother so terribly that she thought I was wrong about everything. I wasn’t going to argue with her though as I didn’t want to attack her coping mechanisms, but the only thing I could trust in were the Sun, the moon and the stars because at least they were there for me.

The next day, I heard very little from Anya, but when I did, she touched me afar each time.

ANYA: “Even if I don’t have my thingie on, I still look at it and touch it every day.”

ME: “It means everything to me that you have it, even if you can’t wear it somedays. How’s your day going so far?”

ANYA: “Good, except dreading the baseball game.”

ME: “I’m sorry you have to dread anything. Breaks my heart.”

ANYA: “I know. Thank u. It’s hard.”

ME: “Don’t pay attention to her babe. If she wants to glare at you and act like a child, let her. All that matters is yours. Andrew. Don’t let her get under your skin babe. It’s what she wants so don’t let her do it. Nothing can change the past anyway. Just enjoy being there to watch your son. It’s what Andrew would want, babe. And if it ever gets too hard, you know I’m always here for you.”

ANYA: “Thank you. Ur my angel.”

ME: “Ur my angel too. You don’t deserve this. I wish I could be there with you. I love you.”

ANYA: “I wish that too babe. I love you.”

ME: “Just think about your dream and the garden we got married in, all that green.”

ANYA: “Ok baby I will. I love u.”

When Anya reached out about the way she was feeling, she allowed me to be there for her as it only gave us another reason why we should be together. It also helped me trust her love for me because if she chose to go through this alone, I would fear she had something to hide from me. The fact she was open and honest about only added to fulfill our hopes, wishes and dreams one day. The more she shared with me, it also helped me to trust her anger at the games only existed because she didn’t leave Jackson years ago, and not because she still harbored feelings for him. Anya could hate this woman all she wanted, but it was a bit misdirected since this wasn’t Jackson’s first time being unfaithful to her. I didn’t believe all people, who cheated on their spouses, never felt genuine remorse, but most were usually only sorry when they got caught. I knew this woman treated her badly after Anya told her husband, but when you’re cheating on your spouse and you’re running around with another woman’s husband, you have to be ready to suffer the consequences if you’re caught. If you’re going to play with the emotions of others, you better be ready to pay the price when your party at the expense of others comes to an end. For Jackson to be upset at me, in any way, while he had no problem running around with another man’s wife, not only gave me all the justification for loving Anya as I came in the name of karma, but it also proved he had to be the biggest hypocrite on the face of the planet. Another reason, I despised politicians and bi partisan politics of any kind because of people like Jackson and the hypocrisy evident on both sides. I began to now feel Anya’s disdain for this woman didn’t exist because of the bad things she said about her years ago, but rather for the fact this woman seemed free, while Anya remained captive in her own prison.

The next morning, I reached out to see how the game went as I hoped my words were helpful.

ANYA: “OK. Not happy I have to put up with it the whole season. Two more days!”

It bummed me out to read she planned to “put up with it” for the whole season, but the words “two more days” saved me from feeling any negative emotions from her response. In the afternoon, I texted Anya to inform her I planned to arrive in San Diego at about nine on Saturday night and I was really excited to see her. I received a response an hour later.

ANYA: “Sorry getting my hair done. Me too! FYI I’ll be in my workout clothes. Going to tell Katie “I was at the gym” in case she calls me while I’m gone. R u going to see your mom first? Why r u going down so late? Just curious?”

When I read her “I was at the gym”, I felt hesitant about our plans to see each other. Although I wanted to see her so badly, I couldn’t help but feel I put her in the position to lie to her daughter. I then reasoned; hasn’t she been doing that since Lance awakened her heart? I didn’t want her to compromise their mother daughter bond over a few hours together in San Diego, when we could always see each other at a safer time. What if Katie inadvertently saw us together at the hotel after she was just told her mother was at the gym? It would break my heart as much as Anya leaving me, as they would be one and the same. In the end, even if I didn’t get to hang with Anya at all, it wouldn’t be a bad thing for both Anya and Katie to have a man there in case anything happened to them. I could at least be there to make sure they were safe. If anything were to happen to Anya, and Katie, it would happen to me too.

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

ME: “Not going to visit my mom. I figured I couldn’t see you until late, so no real need to go down early.”

ANYA: “Oh well u could always take advantage of the area and walk around or grab dinner? I just don’t want you to think you have to check in late. Katie doesn’t know you.”

I couldn’t help but wish Katie did know me since I knew her better than any other man. I wish I knew her so I could at least explain to her how much I loved and cared about her mom and how we both didn’t want to hurt her. As much as I was Anya’s hero, I was just as much the villain to Katie. I was the one who truly loved and cared about her mother, who was even loyal to her in my dreams, the one who respected and admired her for all the right reasons, the one who gave her mom happiness, yet I was the bad guy. Not her father who cheated on her mother without a single regard for anyone but himself, but the man who would take a bullet for her mother was the demon. I wouldn’t have wanted her to hate her father at all, because Jackson loved his kids, but to know in their eyes, I was no better than a murderer, was the toughest thing to know, and there was no getting around it. Katie’s feelings mattered more than mine, and they should. I never held that against Anya at all. Her relationship with her kids was as important to me as her relationship with me was. I couldn’t ignore I inspired Anya to lie to her, as I even started to feel guilty when Anya wrote she couldn’t quit me and asked me to quit her. As I revisited her request in the letter, it broke my heart as I had second thoughts about meeting up with her.

ANYA: “I’ll take a bottle. Maybe we can share some wine if it’s not too late.

ME: “That sounds like fun, babe.”

When mentioned “I’ll take a bottle”, I realized she was the one who asked me if I wanted to come down. I never asked her nor did I ever initiate most, if not all of our meetings. I truly loved and cared about Katie’s mother. I wasn’t going down there for sex, but only so that two hearts could beat as one for maybe an hour or two, so I decided to go through with the plans.

I promised I’d share some of my fantasies I had over a bottle of wine with her as I knew a bottle of wine would open me up to her about them. I wanted to tell her all of my fantasies, but I also didn’t want to fall short of her expectations when I did. I told her my fantasies involved water and lotion, as anything that made her immaculate tan skin glisten would drive me over the edge with desire for her. If these fantasies of mine came to fruition however, especially after a half bottle of wine, my desire for her couldn’t be bottled up. I didn’t want her to have to take the morning after pill again or put her in position to hurt her kids, because if anything could hurt them, her being pregnant with another man’s child, would. They would hate her. They would hate me. We would be absolutely doomed from the start, and rightfully so. It would send the wrong message to them, especially when they would need to see the beauty in our love so they could have it one day too, minus the situation Anya and I were in. I thought it would be fun and safer to share one over text with her instead as she seemed to be open to it.

ANYA: “That’s why you want to take a shower with me! Hot, wet, slippery…”

ME: “What heterosexual man in their right mind wouldn’t want to take a shower with you? I guarantee one thing. When you stepped out you of that shower, you will be super clean! Then I would dry you off, and give you a skin lotion massage in bed.”

ANYA: “I would love for you to rub lotion on me!”

Anya then went into great sensual detail on how I would apply the lotion to her with a concentration on her inner thighs, to the point it drove her so crazy with desire, she’d beg for my hands to satisfy her, but instead I’d hold out longer to tease her, so it would drive her beyond wild. The truth was, even though I wanted to experience every single one of my fantasies with her, I wanted to experience them with her without restraint. I wanted to know she belonged to me afterwards and to no one else. If I experienced my fantasies with her before she left Jackson, would she have an incentive to ever leave him? If anything, her encouragement to share my fantasies with her should only prove how much not only I deserved, but we both deserved, a promise.

ANYA: “Ahhhhhh I’m totally turned on now! I’m going to have to play now!”

ME: “I wish I could join you!”

ANYA: “Ha! Mmmmm!”

Sex was a major part of any relationship that could stand the test of time. I enjoyed it, but if it dominated our relationship, it would cheapen all we found in each other. Sex was the end all, be all, for Jackson, but for me, it wasn’t “all” at all. I respected its intimate nature, more than its primal one. As hard as this was for me to imagine now, sex clearly dominated Jackson’s decision to marry her. As attractive as Anya was now at forty, it’s hard to believe she looked even better ten or fifteen years ago, as time would naturally suggest. Jackson never thought with the head on his shoulders thought, as she even admitted he should have married a stripper and she should have married a professor, so I wanted Anya to know I did. That there was so much more to her than that. If she thought sex was all I could provide her, then this couldn’t be love she felt; another reason I kept my fantasies tucked away. Why I hadn’t shared them with her ran a little deeper than that for me though. Denise and I were intimate from the very start, and then puttered out into nothing. If that happened here, after fifteen months of the greatest happiness ever gifted to me by another human being, I’d be even more devastated than from just a lack of a promise. In actuality, I fulfilled one fantasy with her already on a stumbled upon paradise we called our beach, and my heart couldn’t handle those kinds of intimate moments anymore unless she truly belonged to me. I just felt too much now and another one had the power to push me over the edge of forever.

Later that evening when I got home, Anya sent me a text.

ANYA: “Hope your mom is ok. 3rd week.”

ME: “Thanks babe. Very sweet of you to remember. She’s ok. What r u up to?”

ANYA: “I’m glad. Activities and making dinner. R u going to text me your thoughts later?”

ME: “Did you want me to? You’re not going to be busy?”

ANYA: “No unless you want to wait till Sat.”

ME: “I’ll tell you tonight, babe.”

ANYA: “Ok!”

There was one thing I never experienced in my thirty-eight years on earth. I wanted to tell Anya about it, but some women didn’t like to do that sort of thing. Well, I at least knew Sara didn’t. Before I met Anya, I could’ve cared less to experience it at all, but I think it’s one of those things that are turn-ons with the right people. I read a book on how to perform it well as I wanted to experience it with her since we reconnected. It truly was an act reserved for the most intimate of relationships, but I wanted to reciprocate as well. I loved her more than enough and even fantasized doing it with her before we engaged in other shows of affection. How should I bring this up to her though? What if it turned her off? Although Anya seemed open minded, she had some Sara traits and that worried me a bit, but this fantasy dominated my mind since the first time she came over to my place. About an hour later, I held out on Anya a little longer, and when her patience worn itself thin, I knew the time arrived.

ANYA: “Waiting!”

ME: “Do you remember the first night you visited me?”

ANYA: “Kinda. Which part of the night?”

ME: “When we went inside my bedroom and you laid on my bed with me?”

ANYA: “When I showed u I was bare?”

A part of me was hugely surprised she remembered that part of the night, but I’m glad she did as it made it much easier to reveal what I wanted to experience with her.

ME: “That night when you showed me, I wanted to taste you. It has been one of my fantasies ever since.”

ANYA: “Have you ever before?”

ME: “Never.”

ANYA: “Really? Are you telling me the truth?”

ME: “As unfortunate as it is, yes.”

ANYA: “Would you like to try?”

ME: “I just wanted to let you know one of the things I’d love to do with you. If you don’t mind, can we talk more about it on Sat?”

ANYA: “Ok we can talk about it on Sat! I can’t wait! I kinda have to go cuz it looks like 12th trip to the ER for Andrew. Ball to the mouth. Hope he didn’t jack teeth!”

ME: “OMG! I’m so sorry babe. I hope he’s ok!”

I texted her back an hour later to get an update on Andrew. Thankfully, Andrew didn’t break any teeth so even though the day didn’t end very well, overall it was another consistently good day with Anya.

The next morning, it seemed Anya still reeled in disbelief about what I shared with her.

ANYA: “I was a bit surprised w/all your girlfriends in the past…”

ME: “I’ve only had two “real” girlfriends before I met you and to be honest, after all I’ve experienced with you, I don’t even know how I could call them that.”

ANYA: “But not even with the ones you had?”

ME: “Nope. Never.”

ANYA: “Does it gross you out?”

ME: “Many years ago it did, but I read about it and realized it’s something I’d enjoy doing with someone I love.”

ANYA: “Read about it? That changed your mind?”

ME: “Not solely but it opened my mind to it.”

ANYA: “I wouldn’t want you to do it if you’re not into it.”

ME: “If you didn’t like it or it didn’t turn you on, I wouldn’t do it. Your pleasure means more to me than my own.”

ANYA: “R u kidding? It’s my favorite! I love it but I don’t want it to turn you off.”

ME: “Anything I do with you could never turn me off, babe. I’m in love with you.”

Anya and Katie headed down to San Diego on this morning, and I found it especially hard to concentrate on a Friday than usual in anticipation of Saturday night after her open reception of one of my fantasies. After this day, only one month remained of busy season, my final one not as a partner, with the firm as only good things fill my consciousness.

I asked Anya to let me know when she arrived so I knew her and Katie were safe.

ANYA: “Made it! In our room eating chips! This place is cool! Can’t wait to see you!”

The sweet visual of Anya and her daughter as they shared chips in their room, only made me wish I could meet Katie so I could’ve joined them. More than that though, it made me happy to know her and Katie were spending quality time together after she what she found on her computer.

ME: “I’m glad you girls made it safely! Have fun! Enjoy the chips! Can’t wait to see you too!”

ANYA: “I hope Katie goes to sleep relatively early tomorrow night cuz I really want a glass of wine with you!”

ME: “I just can’t wait to have you in my arms again.”

ANYA: “Me too babe. Wearing your thingie. I love you forever!”

Unknown to me, a piece of jewelry came with some magic as I couldn’t believe I was so happy even without her in my arms at this moment. The news spoke of a spectacular moon on Saturday night, but I would have something more beautiful to behold instead. I knew Anya couldn’t spend the night with me but this trip was more than worth it. When I returned home from work on this night, I paced the room, unable to concentrate on anything, so I began to write in my journal. I made me anxious to know I had to work the next day, and if today seemed long, it seemed I’d never make it to Saturday night. I thought I would take Anya up on her suggestion to head down there early until she had second thoughts about it.

ANYA: “Ok I don’t know if I want you to come early and hang out anymore. I saw lots of cute hoochies! They might pick you up!”

ME: “I’m well past the cute hoochie stage in my life! On the other hand, what about all the handsome swinging men down there? They’ll pitch their mad games to you and next thing you know I’m in the bullpen! I miss u!”

ANYA: “Swinging men? Well they’d have to hang w/the hoochies cuz this old lady is beat and going to bed! I miss you too babe. Looking forward to tom!”

All I could do at this point was tell her I couldn’t wait as well and wish her a goodnight as I died inside in greater anticipation of the next night, but an hour later, Anya decided to add to the adrenaline I felt.

ANYA: “Good thing you didn’t check in tonight. I’d come over and crash in your arms!”

ME: “How I wish I could have you in them right now.”

With my anxiousness at a crescendo, I grabbed my small suitcase and started to pack. Even if I had to drive to work from San Diego, I couldn’t allow an opportunity to be with her pass me by. After I packed most of my clothes though, I stopped myself in my tracks; I couldn’t justify it because of Katie. If Anya was by herself, I could leave at this minute, but how could I put Katie’s mother in another position to lie to her? If I couldn’t quit her, then I had to at least consider some of the situations I put her in with Katie as it wasn’t right to take advantage of her heightened vulnerability when a part of her also feared it could hurt Katie. I felt secure in Anya’s love for me by her invite alone, and I couldn’t allow Anya to compromise her bond with her daughter more than we already did.

From the minute I woke up the following morning, I could have sworn the clock was moved back an hour for daylight savings time. I just seemed hard to believe she’d be in my arms before the day ended as it all seemed surreal. Just before lunch time, steeped in anxiousness, I texted Anya to see how Katie was doing in her competitions and where her room was.

ANYA: “She’s exhausted. I’m on the 8th floor. #822.”

ME: “Thanks babe! What are you guys doing after?”

ANYA: “Shopping, lunch and Jacuzzi!”

ME: “Sounds like fun! Hopefully you won’t get too tired and fall asleep before Katie does tonight! Have a good day! I’ll see you later! I love you!”

ANYA: “Haha! I’ll try! Have a good day! Let me know when you’re on your way! I love you!”

When another Saturday at work mercifully came to its evil end, I texted Anya to let her know I was on my way. When I arrived at the Island Hotel, I brought my belongings up to my 11th floor room, and then went downstairs to have dinner at the hotel restaurant and bar area. While at the bar, Anya messaged me.

ANYA: “Still driving? We’re still at Remington’s having a great time catching up. I just love her. She needs me.”

When I read Anya’s text, it made me happy and sad at the same time. I was truly happy she got to spend time with Katie, but after her letter to me on Valentine’s Day, trauma naturally evaded my sense of safety. Maybe after all she went through with what she found on Katie’s computer, she just wanted to share her feelings with the man who knew her daughter better than any other man, the man she loved. And I couldn’t find any negative emotions within that thought at all.

ME: “I’m actually at the Island Hotel bar having dinner now. That’s so sweet babe. She’s your baby girl, your first born and you do need each other. Don’t rush! Enjoy your time together! I’m on the 11th floor. Room #1130. See you soon!”

As I sat by myself at the bar, and also wished I could be with them at Remington’s, the solitude of our relationship hit me hard. After I read her text, I suddenly felt removed from the rest of the world, a spectator now, no longer a participator. I felt jaded that I didn’t have a son or daughter to share time with while we waited to see each other as I wondered why life never allowed me what others seemed to have in abundance. Two women walked in the bar area where I sat, both in short dresses, and with open toe heels. Although I pretended not to notice, I could see them looking in my direction as their body language suggested they wanted me to talk to them. Before I met Anya, I doubt they would have even looked my way, but my aloofness around other women made me somewhat desirable. Even if I wanted to talk to them, I was no longer the same man before I met Anya, as my whole idea of the ideal woman changed forever for me. If I hadn’t met Anya, I would’ve probably visited this hotel once a month and would’ve even dragged Mitch with me, but I no longer had the same heart and mind; replaced by an advanced version of both as I realized for the first time a huge schism existed between the old Landyn Lastman and this new one. How much truly rode on Anya’s love, more than I could’ve imagined. I then lost my appetite as I suddenly realized this was the most important night of my life.

Two hours later, when the clock had crawled to eleven, and I was back in my room with an empty stomach and a slight buzz, the moment I waited for finally arrived.

ANYA: “I’ve had two glasses of wine. You need to catch up with me! I’ll bring a bottle! On my way!”

A minute later, I got a light knock on my door, and when I swung it open, I could honestly say I never experienced a purer moment of exuberance. As my heart, my soul, and the only happiness walked in with a drop dead smile she softly crashed into my arms. As I held her, I wanted to savor the far, few and between moment, but I almost forgot to close the door behind us. When I finally broke away to do so, from her purse she presented me with the bottle of Pinot Noir she promised and two plastic wine glasses. I asked her for the bottle and studied it as I knew a little more about wines than I did before I met her. While she poured each of our glasses, I lit each of the three candles I brought. I then inserted a CD I burned for us into the CD player I also brought. I then hit play and Journey’s “Faithfully” filled the air.

“So, you can catch up.” she smiled as she handed me a full wine glass.

She then laid her half way full glass down on the nightstand and crashed upon my bed onto her back.

“You must be exhausted.” I said.

“It’s been a long day.” she said as she turned her head to me as I sat down beside her. “Oh my god…I love Journey.”

“Me too.” I acknowledged as I ran my fingers through her beautiful dark hair. “Did you know Saturday nights are the nights I usually miss you the most?”

“Really? I didn’t know that.” She said with a smirk.

“It’s nice to have you with me right now. On a Saturday.” I smiled.

At that moment, I stood up and removed my shirt and she sat up on the bed to do the same. I then crawled back into bed, but before she came into my arms, she put her fingers along the necklace I bought her, looked down at it and then up into my eyes and smiled. I then bent over and kissed her breastplate as it lied beautifully along it. I then moved my eyes upwards and into hers as our lips met for the first time on this night. I then moved myself directly above her and began to kiss her neck as she grabbed my arms tightly.

“I love your strong arms.” she said. “I love it when you manhandle me.”

“Then it’s your lucky night.” I said as I put my right arm underneath her and brought her on top of me in a complete change of position. I then brought her over to the other side of the bed and pulled off her jeans and what lied beneath them. With her eyes closed, she moaned with pleasure and she succumbed to my domination of her. She then left her mouth slightly open and extended her tongue to meet mine as I waited before I met hers with my own. I then pulled away but her moans begged for more as I obliged them once again. I then began to massage her vagina as I held her firmly in one arm and used my other hand to pleasure her as she put her arms behind her head and put her legs outward, as she gave herself completely to me.

“Oh yes. Babe. That feels…so good. She said softly. “I love you.”

“I love you.” I said as I fed her hungry lips once more.

She then began to return the favor, but this was about her as I wanted her to feel better than amazing as it seemed the universe worked in our favor like never before. I moved my lips to her breasts and up to her neck without control as she moaned louder as her nipples stiffened. I then pulled away for a few seconds to watch her squirm in sensual pleasure after I fully manipulated all her senses. She experienced orgasm as she pushed my hand away and turned slowly over on her side away from my hand. I then kissed her on her exposed left shoulder blade and wrapped my arms around her. She then turned to me, out of breath, and kissed me.

“You ok?” I asked.

“Never better.” she said breathlessly.

I then kissed her again on her shoulder blade as I let her catch her breath.

“Carolyn and Debbie both know we’re intimate.” she revealed.

“You told them?” I asked in surprise.

“Yes.” she said “You’re not mad at me, are you?”

“Of course not. Are you kidding? Do you know how flattered I am?” I said.

“They adore you, babe.”

“I love them, too.” I said.

“I need love.” she said suddenly.

When she told me this, I almost cried on the spot in front of her. If she needed love, she needed me because it’s what I personified to her. As she laid in my arms, breathless, I knew it had to be true as all she just revealed gave me more hope than ever she would leave Jackson especially when I considered her feelings at the baseball game as the Universe wrote our story without our knowledge.

“I think we both do, babe.” I said. “Everyone needs love. To feel truly loved. People don’t realize it until they have it. It not only feds the heart but nourishes the soul.”

“Have I ruined you?” she asked abruptly.

Her question was one I didn’t know how to answer, let alone expect. I wanted to tell her the truth; she loved me to ruins. The Landyn Lastman who existed before I met her was now dead, and ruined for anyone else who followed. I would never settle for anything less than her love in every aspect. She loved me well enough to ruin me. Even when she asked me to quit her, if she asked me this question, she had to know she loved me so well, I never could. Without a doubt, I knew I’d never be the same again because of the way she loved me. As the truth laid there to be told, I held on to it, because I feared any negativity during our return to one person, so I denied my very truth.

“Even though I’m no longer the same person I was before I met you; no. You didn’t ruin me.” I said.

“I tried to break up with you many times.” she said.

“And how many times did that work out for you?” I laughed.

“Not once.” She giggled.

“And what are we now?” I asked.

“Together.” she said with her classic smirk as she looked into my eyes.

“It’s nice to hear you acknowledge that.” I said.

“How could I deny it?” she said. “I need love, babe.”

“I know you do.” I said. “When you asked me if I would fight for you, and I told you I would, I meant it babe. I hope you know that even when you fight with me, I’m fighting for you, never against you. I only fight for you because I think you need to know you deserve happiness in your life and to feel like you’ve been sentenced to anything less.”

“Would you take Katie to the convention tomorrow?” she asked me.

When Anya told me this, I again almost cried as David Gray’s “This Year’s Love” played in the background.

“What?” I responded in great surprise. “You’re kidding, right?”

“I’m pooped.” she said. “Do you remember this song, babe.”

“I sure do.” I responded ecstatically she remembered. “You burned it for me the night we met after you and the girls watched the runner’s movie. That night it was raining and you gave me the book “Girls are Weirdos but They Small Pretty.”

“You remember? Do you remember kissing me in the rain?”

“Of course, I do, it was one of the most romantic nights of my life.”

I found it so beautiful how our moments together had a life each their own, and how music and our surroundings added to our love story like finding a missing blue puzzle piece in an all blue puzzle. And we always remembered the same things as they held the same weight to us both. I began to dream of her introduction to Katie and I began to realize why she told me the things she did while they had dinner. Never said as another excuse never to be, but as a promotion of her daughter to me. She didn’t need to though. I read her essay and I loved her to pieces already like a stepfather would if she were his own.

“You know I would love to.” I said as I dreamt about an introduction. “I would do that in a heartbeat. It would be an honor.”

As I waited for her to say she was “just kidding”, it never came as she brought her lips into mine as we kissed. I then began to consider this was her third glass of wine and could tell she was a little tipsy, so I didn’t take it seriously however I loved the way the alcohol acted like a truth serum.

“Flora called me again!” she exclaimed as she slowly pulled away.

“Really? When was the last time you spoke with her?” I asked.

“Oh god, at least six months ago.” she said.

“What did she have to say?”

“She wanted to be friends again, but I told her it’s best to not be friends.” she said. “We’re better off that way.”

“You have to do what’s best for you, babe.” I said a bit disappointed she couldn’t salvage the friendship.

I respected Flora for leaving her husband. Gross disrespect and unfaithfulness in a marriage, let alone a relationship, should not be tolerated. Flora gave her husband another chance the first time, and the leopard just added more spots. She did the right thing as I wished Anya would follow her lead, but without their friendship, Flora now could never reach her.

“Have you ever had phone sex?” she asked me as the wine began to increase our temerity.

“During my old AOL days, they had these “Love” chatrooms I’d visit from time to time. For the most part I just goofed off in them and never took them seriously. It’s too easy to hide behind a computer screen. Anyway, one time I met this girl on there from Michigan, and we talked privately for a few weeks then exchanged phone numbers. I ended up having phone sex with her a few times. She was always game and it was fun at the time, but it got old after a few times. Plus, a good chance existed I was having phone sex with a three hundred pound chick than the girl in the pic she sent me. Nothing beats the real thing.”

“Would you do it with me?” she asked.

“Looks like my phone bill is about to go through the roof! I’d love to! Have you ever done it before?”

“Just a few times.” she said. “I love Air Supply!”

“I never thought I’d like these guys but they were pretty good!” I said to acknowledge the song “Making Love Out of Nothing At All” that played from my CD player. “It’ll be nice to experience that with someone I love.”

“Awww…I can’t wait babe.”

“And about my fantasy.” I said. “I guess I owe you an explanation.”

“I’m on my period though, babe.” she said. “I’d love to experience it with you.”

“I know babe. I totally understand.” I said. “I just wanted to tell you about it in person.”

“I would love to do it for you.” she said. “It’s a real intimate act, and I don’t know.”

“I know it is, but intercourse is just as intimate. If not more. You can’t get pregnant from having oral sex, I think.” I said as I couldn’t believe I just indirectly pitched the idea to her. “I’ve never experienced it before. Do you still do it with your husband?”

“Never. We both did it years ago for each other, but now I’m afraid to.” she said.

I guess I expected to hear, it’s because I don’t love him, Landyn, and not that she was afraid to. My heart wanted to believe it was because she didn’t trust him with other women. My mind interjected though and offered she was only afraid because the kids were around and might walk in on it. Or maybe it was a stupid question to ask on my part, after all she was with me at the moment. To know she still engaged in intercourse with a man she didn’t trust, made it difficult to pin down the true reason for her fear. Our night together in San Diego though, one of magic and happiness, begged me to ignore why she feared to do so.

After I chalked up her fears to her husband’s deceptive ways, I pulled her close to me so I could feel her skin against mine. I then started to play with her hair and massaged her scalp. She then closed her eyes as I brought my hands softly to her neck and shoulders. I then brought my hands along her body as I moved her so she lied on her left side, with her back towards me. As I moved my hands along the side of her body, I took in her sculptured physique as I could tell she put in some time at the gym to look especially good on this night. I knew her body as well as I knew my own. I knew her crevices and curves, where she liked to be touched. As I made my way toward her inner thighs, I pushed her legs down so she laid with her back on the bed. I then started to get close to her most pleasurable area as she licked her lips in anticipation of what was to come. The very second my fingers ran in to satisfy her, the hotel room’s phone began to ring. I stopped cold in my tracks but Anya didn’t seem to mind its interruption. I couldn’t help but think it was Jackson on the other end. That somehow, even under a fake name, he found out we were together. What if it was Katie though, and not Jackson? The only way Katie would know though was if Jackson were with her. I waited for Anya to stop me, to recognize the importance of the sound that disrupted our moment. As she moaned, her eyes opened and she spoke.

“I don’t think it’s him.” she said. “I don’t care if it is.”

After those words were spoken, the ring of the phone came to a halt as I continued on my trek to pleasure her and when I did, she begged for me to kiss her and I obliged as she experienced her second orgasm of the night. After that moment of pleasure, she then came into my arms as Michael Buble’s “You and I” as if the Universe provided the soundtrack for our evening. We then faded into the night together as the song hit me hard enough to realize I couldn’t live with her and moment like this, but an hour later we both felt the need for each other again. Before I could bring her in my arms to manhandle her, with nothing but all the love in the world for me within her, she fulfilled a fantasy I wanted to share with only one person, her. The fulfillment of my fantasy felt better than the fantasy itself ever could, as it was experienced with the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes. When she inhaled all the love, I wondered how she could not make a promise to me now, as she showed another form of her trust and love in and for me, maybe her greatest yet. It was beauty of Anya though. Even though I couldn’t reciprocate, it didn’t matter. The first woman I ever met that gave more than she ever took, an extension of myself. A gentleman never told of his conquests, but these were never conquests for me, but rather only evidence. Evidence of Anya’s love for me as I now felt more than ever, after the ultimate show of her love, she should no longer be married.

Afterwards, I held her in my arms as she fell asleep. When she did, I turned off the music that played as I didn’t want it to wake her up. I stayed awake for an hour after she slept in awe of the beauty I held in arms. In wonder that the universe found me worthy of her when I knew she could’ve easily shared this night with any man she wanted to, even celebrated singers, yet that man was me. I just wanted to look at her, consume all of her beauty, trust and love. As I kissed her on her forehead lightly as not to wake her, I knew I’d take a bullet for her if I had to. That I would go through fire to be with her in heaven, if that’s what I needed to do. I wanted to protect her the way she protected Katie and Andrew. No man would ever hurt the woman I held in my arms ever again. No man would ever disrespect her heart or mind. Never again on my watch. She would live a long healthy life even if I died years sooner from an unhealthy one. As I held her in my arms, I wished time would stand still so this moment could fall into forever.

Anya fell asleep in my arms until nearly six the next morning, as I couldn’t believe we spent over six beautiful hours together. When she awoke, still in my arms, to let me know she had to leave, my head pounded from a surprise hangover as I tried to fight my upset stomach. All I could do was nod as if I were to say a word, I knew I’d vomit right in front of her. Anya removed herself from my arms and quickly gathered her things as it broke my heart that I was too sick to kiss her goodbye after a beautiful night together. When I was unable to explain why I couldn’t, she kissed me on my forehead and left the room almost as under a cloud of doubt about me. As I heard the hotel door slam, I started to sweat profusely as I tried to swallow back the increase in my saliva. I turned over so my face was to the bed, and ten minutes later a cold sweat ran over me as I was able to stop the nausea for the time being. I then immediately texted Anya to let her know what happened as my stomach started in once again. Anya sent me a text asking if she could bring me some Tylenol or Motrin, but I was too incapacitated to read it until I slept

Two hours passed before she sent me another text after the one I failed to respond to.

ANYA: “I hope ur feeling better. I ate a greasy breakfast at CJ’s and it made me feel better.”

ME: “I feel so bad. I’m so very sorry babe. I felt like throwing up right when you left and couldn’t kiss you good-bye. It broke my heart in pieces to have you leave like that after such a great time together. I hardly drink anymore and my tolerance is really low right now. I can’t believe I had such a bad hangover.”

ANYA: “Thank u for coming down. I had a great time w/u. I loved the candles and the music. Sorry about the hangover.”

ME: “I’m sorry I didn’t know my limits, babe. Thank u for an unforgettable night and for fulfilling my fantasy. I didn’t expect that. I loved it! I miss you already.”

ANYA: “We can talk about it later but I was surprised to find out that you had never experienced “it” before last night. I was equally surprised about phone sex. Wow!”

ME: “That was a first or me. Glad it came from the woman I love. Not too proud about my phone sex era but I was in my 20’s.”

ANYA: “How often did you have it?”

ME: “I would say about 10 or 12 times with the same girl. It was over about a 3 month span.”

ANYA: “I want to hear about it. 3 months? That’s a long time! Sounds like it’s an area where u can teach me! Only a few times for me.”

ME: “Would love to!”

I felt more burdened that our night together came to an end, than the hangover I experienced as her absence overwhelmed me to tears. It broke my heart that I couldn’t kiss her goodbye after she showed me so much love, as if she was nothing to me. It must have seemed to her in some way I was booting her out of my room after a night she gave so much of herself to me. It hurt me greatly just to imagine the slight possibility she thought I wanted her to leave. I loved that woman so much, I felt any emotional pain she did, especially if that pain came from me. One of my greatest fears in life would be to ever disappoint her or break her heart. I just felt I let her down at the end of the night as I hoped she trusted I’d never want to see her leave that way, especially after she gave me so much of herself. What worried me is if she thought I would ever disrespect her like a man would in her past. If she only knew how alive she made me feel every single day to be so close to her. So close, I couldn’t only watch over her as she fell asleep in my arms. How I could never feel right about fallings asleep before she did, not matter how long my day was. It just broke my heart if I had hurt her before she left after all she gave.

I stretched my stay until check out time as my hangover dictated that. At a half hour before check out, I started to pack my things for the long drive home. At around two, when I finally got home, I couldn’t even unpack as I crashed on my bed as the hangover continued to wreak havoc on me. When I woke up three hours later, I had four texts from Anya.

ANYA: “Hope u made it home safe. Kinda hectic getting back. Thank u again for last nite. U r the sweetest to come down for me. I had great fun! I love you forever.”

ANYA: “U home yet?”

ANYA: “R u ok?”

ANYA: “I’m so worried about you. Where are you?”

ME: “Hi babe! I’m sooo sorry! I’m ok. I crashed the minute I got home. Still a little hungover but feeling better now. How r u, babe? Ur the sweetest for asking me come down! I loved every minute! Just another time of my life spent with you. I love you forever.”

ANYA: “Ok. Glad you’re ok. I’m tired too. It was beautiful. Thank you.”

ME: “You looked so gorgeous last night babe. I couldn’t keep my hands off of you. The thingie looked beautiful on you and really turned me on when I saw it. I miss you.”

ANYA: “Thank you. I had the best time. I loved being in bed w/u. I wish I belong to you. It felt so natural. I love my thingie. I miss you.”

What was just eleven hours ago, now felt like eleven days since I had the most beautiful woman in the world in my arms. I just wanted to replay our night over and over again, as I could still hear the music, see her remarkable beauty and feel her immaculate skin against mine as I missed her so. But I now laid helpless in bed as the fallout of my Pinot hangover made me extraordinarily sad. How could I be deprived of her love after all we shared just hours earlier? I knew how I felt could break her heart, but I couldn’t deny I wanted last night, every night. If I engaged in phone sex with her, would it be a substitute for the night in San Diego? I had phone sex years ago because it could never be real, but if I gave Anya that, how could it ever be real without her next to me? If she wished to belong to me, acts of love over the phone would defeat that very purpose. Her words “I wish I belong to you”, hit me square in the gut as the fact remained, she belonged to someone else. A man whose emotionally abusive history towards her, she made me well aware of. To know she belonged to such a man, saddened me even more to know our meeting in San Diego, I looked so forward to, was over, and she now returned home to lie next to a man who dishonored her. Yet the man, who only dreamt of protecting her honor, was the one left alone in bed on this night.

A little later that evening, when Anya connected with me, I could no longer hide how I felt as she sensed it herself.

ANYA: “R u ok?”

ME: “I miss you, but I’m ok.”

ANYA: “Ok good.”

When she texted “Ok good”, it just seemed she didn’t feel all I did. I guess I wanted her to tell me “I’m having a hard time” so I felt connected to her, but when she didn’t, it almost made it seem like I wasn’t allowed to be sad, and she was just fine going home to lie next to another man, while I died a little more each night lying in bed without her.

ME: “I can be sad you know. I just had one of the, if not, the most memorable night of my life. I’m so in love with you.”

ANYA: “I know. I’m kinda sad tonight. I just miss u so much. I want to fall asleep with you every night. I love you.”

Although I wanted to her something a little more than “kinda” sad, I could also see how she didn’t want to hear how sad I was on this night, and I couldn’t blame her with the kids around. At times, when I felt so alone, it was hard to understand why I had to feel this way.

ME: “I know babe. I love you. I think we’re both just really tired.”

ANYA: “I better say goodnight now cuz getting in bed to read. Tired and still a bit hungover.”

ME: “U were hungover?”

ANYA: “Yes. I had two glasses at dinner.”

ME: “When did it come on?”

ANYA: “When I got back to the room this morning.”

ME: “And you were going to come down and bring me Tylenol or Motrin when you weren’t feeling well? I’m such a wimp. I’m so sorry babe. Did you take anything?”

When I learned of her thoughtfulness, it threw me into the stratosphere as I felt like the biggest baby on the planet. It shouldn’t have surprised me though as my mother made me look like a wimp every day the way she handled Cancer.

ANYA: “It’s ok. Tylenol.”

ME: “It broke my heart I got sick. I cried.”

ANYA: “Seriously? I didn’t think nothing of it! I swear! I just felt bad u were sick.”

ME: “I still feel really bad I couldn’t even kiss you goodbye. It broke my heart to see you just leave and not be able to pull you back with my arm. I’m sorry I let you go like that. It was sad the way the night ended.

ANYA: “Don’t be silly! It happens! Like I said I didn’t know I was sick until I got in my room. Felt like shit all day. Feeling better but could use some sleep. Goodnight babe.”

ME: “I know but I look forward to our kiss goodbye babe. Made me sad especially after such a beautiful and fun night together. Get some rest Sweetheart, I know you need it. Goodnight.”

Overall, it was a beautiful time spent together regardless of our hangovers. I even dreamt about hanging out with Katie at her convention. How fun it would’ve been to get to know her and to show her the kind of man her mom fell in love with. A chance to show her how much I cared about her too. What I wouldn’t have given for just that chance. The chance to prove our love would benefit the kids in the long run. As I laid alone in bed, I dwelled upon her question if she ruined me. Of course she did, and even though I know she didn’t mean to, I also felt it wasn’t a mistake. Whether she did it consciously or not, the pain she felt from Jackson prompted her to love me so well, I couldn’t leave her. I found it hard to believe a part of her didn’t know what she was doing at all. This nly made it harder for me to believe she ever wanted me to quit her as I now fought, believed, hoped and wished like never before.

After San Diego, I felt consumed by impatience, as I felt more than ever a promise should follow, after she fulfilled a fantasy of mine. It made it harder to understand how she could sleep next to another man, let alone remained married to one after she gave a part of herself to me in such a huge way. How could she look her husband in the eye, in the bedroom or at the office, and pretend that never happened? I told her I would love to experience it with her, but never asked her to as she took it upon all she felt for me to do so. I thought a guy would be a pig enough to keep that kind of thing from his wife, but if Anya could do that, it would be an act Jackson would do. I had no plans to pressure her, but it now made it harder for me to understand how she could still be with the man. How she could look him in the eye and continue to deny us? I knew why she had to, but her true guilt should lie in the fact she remained married to someone she should no longer be married to. If she were to stay, after all she experienced with me and after fulfilling such an intimate fantasy of mine, how was she any better than Jackson? With that fear in mind, it left me unsettled and in a greater need for her than ever before as I reached out to her early that Monday morning.

ME: “Good morning! What page are you on now? I’m on page 262! Still feel bad about being sick while you were sick. You were going through the same thing and I couldn’t even help you. I would have taken care of you. I still feel bad about that.”

ANYA: “Morning! Pg. 187! Ok u better stop reading now! JK! Babe I didn’t get sick that way. I just felt gross but didn’t throw up. Sorry I worried u.”

With more sensitivity than a zero point two on the Richter Scale, I felt Anya’s morning text kind of blew me off as I worried she might treat San Diego like any other time we met. Did she not realize the significance of our time together? She asked me if she ruined me. She even wished I could take her daughter to the convention. She then allowed me to experience a most intimate act with her without reciprocation. I stayed up the whole night not wanting to sleep a wink because I’d lose the time I spent with her. How could she just sink right back into her home life as if nothing happened between us?

I sent her another text, but didn’t hear back from her for another two hours.

ANYA: “Sorry went for a walk w/friends. Now have to get ready for a meeting. Have a great day! Xoxo!”

I had been with her for fifteen months at this point and this was the first time she ever went on a walk with friends. No “I love you”. No “I miss you”, but just “have a great day!”. After such an eventful night together in San Diego, her text seemed to have a clandestine purpose, or maybe, I just expected more from her, even for a Monday. Later that afternoon, in an effort to stymie off my negative emotions so I could focus at work, I sent her a text to tell her I missed her.

ANYA: “I miss u so much. I only have beautiful memories.”

ME: “It all seemed so unreal. Hard to believe we feel so much yet there’s so much more to experience.”

ANYA: “I know! There’s a whole new fantasy world we haven’t explored! If we were free to love we would be more in love if that’s even possible!”

More than ever I wanted fantasy to become reality as a part of me felt abandoned. The “If we were free to love” part of her text rained concern as I feared all we experienced together, all she allowed and encouraged me to feel, still wasn’t enough for her to feel a need to make a promise to me. She told me she needed love, so how could this be? How many married couples were still married when a spouse made love to another man, and even went beyond the normal call of duty? Did she not see the significance in what we shared? How could she go back into her marriage, climb in bed with another man, and look him straight in the eye after our night in San Diego? If she didn’t consider herself “free to love”, then why did she allow and encourage any of this to happen at any time? I never wanted a fantasy world to stay in the realm of fantasy because I’ve never dwelled there. I only lived in reality, and I only wanted a fantasy world in the realm of reality otherwise, her love was only a lust driven infatuation, and never true love. If she truly loved me, wouldn’t she now be compelled to leave after San Diego? Did she perform fellatio with me just so I could “experience” it? She’s better than the woman of my dreams, the only one I loved and cared for. She told me “divorces happened all the time” and “nothing was impossible”. She’s looked me in my eyes and told me “I love you forever” even at times when we were engaged in the act of one. If I truly cared about the “experience” I would pay someone to fulfill the fantasy for me. No, I wanted to only experience it with only one person for the rest of my life, and that was her. In the most factual way, she did belong to me when she came to my room, with a bottle of wine and my necklace on so she could fulfill my fantasy without a second thought. How could she love me so deeply, to know it killed me to not have a promise, yet still deny me at least that? Why couldn’t she tell Jackson she wanted a trial separation so we could get married in Vegas? So she wouldn’t have to deal with the witch at her games who hurt her marriage? How could she step back into her life as if San Diego never happened? As if San Diego was just a fun fantasy and deny any semblance of its reality? I needed her to realize the significance of our time together in San Diego, and if she couldn’t do that, then she planned to always elude reality while I dwelled in it.

After our brief early morning textversation, I didn’t hear back from her for the rest of the day as her silence festered in my mind, like maggots on the body of a decomposed animal. Time moved slower on this day as I couldn’t wait to get home to fight off the negative feelings. When I finally reached home base, and afraid I wouldn’t hear from her to help stop them, I reached out.

ANYA: “So sorry! U guessed it! Running around, dinner and baseball game! Just left. Amazing how well u know me! I miss u baby.”

After I heard back from her, I felt better but something just seemed different today. I knew her duties usually consumed her, but mine did as well. She never shared the details of her “meeting”, or the reason for the “walk with friends”; things she usually told me about, but maybe in the end though, San Diego left me paranoid more than Anya. Any mixed feelings she now exhibited were harder to understand, because she fulfilled a fantasy with such certainty, an act she had to know only allowed my feelings to grow for her. I hated to admit she ruined me. I felt weak to admit it to just myself, but I could never tell her about it because I knew only an apology would follow; not a promise.

I had this sick feeling in my stomach she might downplay our night in San Diego, as if it held the same weight as any other night we shared. And if she did, it would cheapen everything we shared on such a beautiful night for both of us. But even as she spoke of the night’s enchantment, she was still able to climb in bed and sleep next to another man, one who dishonored her. How could she do such a thing even for the sake of her children knowing what we shared and how much it could hurt me? Not in a million years, would I be brazened enough to ever do such a thing to anyone I truly loved. I would’ve never believed, if she fell in love with me and loved me this much without restraint, that she would stay in her marriage, let alone never change a single thing about it. Although we had a verbal agreement, that was never a part of what we both agreed to. Would it have been an accurate statement, since I allowed her to stay in her marriage while we dated, it was why she fell in love with me? That she only fell because she still had the security of her marriage?

I knew I couldn’t continue to live this way. I even promised her months ago, if I ever felt this way again and pressured her, I’d have no choice but to end our relationship. I then thought about her trip to Spain last year, and her diversion to a canary island, Tenerife. She told me it was a business trip, but she had to know Jackson had romantic intentions as she gave him the key to plan it. How many more trips alone with Jackson would my heart and mind be able to take? I could tolerate another trip only if she planned to ask for a divorce and to let him know of her “real” thoughts, but what if those “real” thoughts only existed because she thought he never knew who I was? Our night in San Diego wasn’t a fantasy to me, it was a reality, and never more so when the night ended. If she looked upon the beauty of our night together as just her own personal fantasy, and what she did for me was just for me to “experience” it, then the moment was only designed to be spent on my heart’s dime. It may have not been fair to Anya for me to think this way. Her silence on the following day could very well be because she was so busy, but I was very busy too, and still would’ve put her first over a walk with friends. Then again, maybe she wanted to tell them about San Diego, as they knew we were intimate, and she just needed to talk to them about it? I just never considered the incentive of fantasy in this for her because I drowned in reality every day. Her fantasy was my reality. Everything I experienced was real to me, not subject or limited to fantasy in any way. She had a reason to bask in fantasy, she had the best of both worlds, as she was well aware, I always only had reality, and now it was too brutal to continue this way as the time came to turn this fantasy into reality. If I couldn’t fight for the reality of this love, I could never fight for anything. I just knew one thing, fantasy and reality would soon collide.