“Take away love and our earth is a tomb.”

~ Robert Browning

9:17 a.m.

“I had a great time this morning! Thanks again for getting up early! I love you Landyn Joseph!”

Adrenaline left me in a haze after the most beautiful morning of my life as I laid in my bed with a wide ranging, far reaching smile on my face. From the very moment she arrived until the very moment she left, it all felt like a dream, but one I actually awakened to. After our physical break apart, I now felt closer to her than at any time during our relationship because I knew our bond was now unbreakable. There was just no way I believed she would allow either of us to experience this moment let alone feel all the emotions it brought us without plans to be together one day.

11:15 a.m.

“Are you tired? I’ve been going since I got home. I’m tired and I don’t know why. I didn’t get up much earlier than I normally do.”

ME: “I’m tired too, and I haven’t even left my bed! I just want to stay right here all day and think about our morning together.”

ANYA: “You’re making me miss you more. I loved waking up with you.”

ME: “There’s never been a better feeling in my life than waking up with you in my arms. I wish I could have made time stand still!”

ANYA: “I just love you. It was the best! I can’t believe how time flew!”

Time is an unfair thing to us all. We get twenty-four distinct hours every day and somehow we think we’re entitled to every one of them, but the next thing you know they’re gone never to be recouped again. Whenever Anya and I were together, time simply didn’t exist because it felt like it disappeared almost at the same time it began as if we were ghosts in the afterlife, but they were hours I felt I never lost and spent the way they were meant to be; never wasted. With every other girl in my life before Anya, time existed at some level as this awareness provided another reason why I knew I had never been truly in love before. Another element of proof we were in heaven.

Later that afternoon Anya decided to take her son, Andrew, to see the play “My Fair Lady” in Orange County at a performing arts center by my apartment. Anya told me her son was less than thrilled to go, and I hated to tell her I couldn’t blame him, but she thought if he brought a friend maybe the experience would be fun for him. Later that early evening she text me with the results of her experiment.

5:23 p.m.

“Guess what? They enjoyed it! I think I changed them! Can’t stop thinking about this morning. I loved it!”

ME: “That’s a heck of a feat to pull off, babe. I’m really happy to hear they enjoyed the show! It was hard to leave my bed today. I miss you very much. Thank you for leaving your bottled scent. Makes me feel like you’re still here in some way.”

ANYA: “I left them b/c I didn’t want you to forget me. I’m so torn babe. I just want to repeat what we had over and over. Spent the day w/my kids and u know…torn.”

ME: “After all I’ve shared with you, the best moments of my life, forgetting you is an impossibility. I understand it’s not the right time now, but I truly believe one day this feeling of being “torn” will take care of itself. I miss you.”

ANYA: “I had the best morning ever. I miss you too. I love you forever. After this morning I know we are truly connected. Just torn.”

Her texts left me feeling torn too as I now worried she left her perfume bottles behind because of these “torn” feelings she sprung upon me after our morning together. Even though I struggled mightily with this particular emotion, I loved her and felt a big part of loving her was trying to understand her. If I slipped up, not only would I lose her again, but it would leave her in a depressed state around her children as I now felt responsible for her happiness. The problem I had with her being “torn” was not the fact she was torn. Anya had every right to her feelings, but they were inconsistent with what I was told in the beginning of our relationship. Not one time did I ever hear she was still there because of her kids, and if I had I would have never fallen for her to avoid all I felt and struggled with now, even for her own sake. It’s a matchup I simply would never win nor would I want to. All she told me was someone left her because she had “baggage”, which left me to believe all I had to do was prove to her that another man’s trash was this man’s treasure. And what was there not to love about her kids? They seemed a little ignorant to how money didn’t fall off of trees but all kids were. From what I’ve learned about them through Anya, they both worked hard, did well in school, and stayed out of trouble as I even saw a little of my own ambition in both of them. If Anya told me from the beginning that her kids were the reason she stayed, and not because no one would be there for her if she left, then I’d have to be an absolute fool to pursue a relationship with her, but that’s not what I was told. I simply went into this trusting all she told me; that she would never be torn and never pit her children against me or our love. I felt for her to be “torn” after a beautiful morning together she completely arranged, notwithstanding everything else we shared for nearly nine months, was borderline cruel. I even felt suddenly thrusted into the role of “homewrecker”, an enemy of her children, if I, her best friend and true love, ever dared to push her to do the right thing even after a fifteen-year history of multiple infidelities in her marriage. What kind of family did she think she had if the foundation existed on lies and how could she walk away from the man she loves, her soulmate, if he challenged her to pay attention to such an obvious truth? I didn’t feel Anya’s act of not telling me about the true reason for being there represented an act of betrayal to her kids. I didn’t believe she betrayed me as well because I know for her to leave that out, she possessed very strong feelings for me, so strong she wanted me to pursue this relationship without more obstacles. The problem I honestly had with her stance was that it simply and solely represented an act of betrayal against herself; a rebellion against her true feelings to create a complete delusion that could only lead to a great tragedy. It was tough for me to see her lie to herself more than anyone, the ultimate symptom of her mental illness caused by Jackson’s emotional abuse, but she gave me these strong feelings for a reason, and now it was my responsibility to make her aware of this as I was too vested in our happiness not to. Not only did I try to save her from a horrific marriage but also from a false image she created of herself or at least one that no longer suited her. I believed her to be a good person, not an evil one who sought to hurt innocent people as I fought for that particular image of her more than anything. She was not the type to bring me into her life this deeply, and allow me to feel so much for her if she thought staying in her marriage was the best thing to do; certain if she thought staying with a philanderer was the best thing even for her kids who she loved dearly, she never would have approached me nor been to my place once let alone the nearly thirty times she had visited with me already. How could any sane person be in love with someone at this point and rationally determine I’m torn enough to stay? I felt at this point it was irrational for her to contemplate staying, but I understood her right to feel torn, and the time wasn’t right for her to leave. I further understood she was in a tough spot because of Jackson’s extreme narcissism as he would fight to wrest the kids away from her, but I also couldn’t deny my competitive side, not one full of ego, but pride in doing the right thing with my ambition to not allow it to happen nor to let her believe it ever could. Lastly, it was also impossible to ignore if I lost Anya, I’d never fall in love anytime soon, if ever again. All I could do at this point was try to be supportive even as my mind waged total war against my heart.

Even though I told myself I’d never again initiate texts between us, I felt after the morning we shared it would be a selfish act on my part.

ME: “I can’t stop thinking about this morning. I miss you.”

ANYA: “I miss you too. Seems like it’s getting harder and harder to see each other b/c of how much we miss each other right after. Almost unbearable.”

ME: “I agree. I felt more this morning for you than I did in Laguna Beach, and I never believed that morning could ever be topped.”

ANYA: “This morning was special. Soulmates. I love you forever.”

I couldn’t be more thankful the morning after fell on a Sunday. The freshness of our time together would take focus off my work as I was already behind on most of my jobs. When I woke up the next morning with empty arms I felt lonelier than ever, but fortunately for my estranged heart, she felt the same.

8:29 a.m.

“I miss you baby.”

ME: “I miss you too. How r u?”

ANYA: “I’m fine I guess. What a different morning from yesterday.”

ME: “It’s tough to wake up to something that felt so right it makes you wonder, if this is wrong then how could anything ever be right? I don’t know a better way to explain how I’m feeling right now.”

ANYA: “I know. I feel the same way. Wow how right it felt. It was the greatest feeling. Hard to go back when you’ve experienced the best. I missed u last nite. My heart aches to be with you. I love you.”

Her heart “aches” to be with me and its “hard to go back when you’ve experienced the best” spoke loudly to my heart as her words captured why I had to fight for her to listen to herself regardless of the feelings of being torn. We had come a long way since we first met almost fifteen months ago as one fine August morning in each other’s arms encapsulated our longing. My rational heart ached to be with her more than ever, and after our beautiful morning together I no longer believed it was a question of “if” but “when” for Anya and I. Even as I held onto that belief I refused to push her no matter how much it hurt me to continue to live my life as her secret. Maybe she could actually be torn as to when to tell her kids, and not torn whether to stay or not? When I considered this possibility as more consistent after our morning together, I refused to pressure her but at the same time I also couldn’t deny I sought to receive some sort of promise from her. Just something to find a mental balance for me to ward off my low self-esteem issues so I wouldn’t hurt as much knowing one day she would be in my arms every morning. I just couldn’t accept she would ever come this far and allow me to feel so much for nothing. She told me not to take things lightly, but I hoped after our beautiful morning together, she didn’t take things lightly as well because if I wasn’t fully vested in us before, I sure was fully vested now.

My loyalty to Anya over the course of our relationship brought with it an unexpected benefit; it afforded me the chance to save money because I never went out anymore. All I really ever spent money on was gas to visit my parents and my normal manageable bills. Since my personal savings increased upward to thirty-seven thousand dollars, I began to look for a home to buy as my partnership promotion was only nine months away. Bound by the non-disclosure agreement I signed with my firm, it burned me every day to be gagged from telling Anya about it as I believed it would have made her decision a little easier to leave. After the beauty of Saturday morning, I had to make a move to bring her home as I hoped to find a three bedroom, two- bathroom home near her current neighborhood so her kids could stay close to their friends. I decided to spend my Sunday at a few open houses in Tustin, Newport Beach, Westminster, Huntington Beach, and Long Beach to get an idea. Anya then shot me a text after I finished with my last stop.

2:28 p.m.

“Just got back from “back to school” shopping with the kids. I love office products and getting organized. What r u doing? I miss u.”

ME: “I hope you got everything you need! I actually went out looking at homes. I went to open houses in Newport Beach, Tustin, Huntington Beach, Westminster and Long Beach. I miss u too.”

ANYA: “Wow! I’ve lived in 3 out of the 5! Tustin, HB & LB. Not interested in Irvine?”

ME: “Not really. Too close to work. Makes me feel like I’m at the office.”

ANYA: “Oh I c! Sometimes it can take a while to find the perfect one for u and that’s ok. Did you write about yesterday? Stupid question? Home now.”

ME: “I definitely wrote about yesterday! It was all I could journal about! It felt so good being one with you again.”

ANYA: “I know! I loved it too! Wish we could be one every night!”

ME: “Me too. It was a hard day yesterday for me because it felt so good. I missed being one with you.”

ANYA: “It was. It felt so natural right? I guess that’s why it was so hard yesterday because we missed it very much. I love you.”

ME: “I agree. I love you too.”

ANYA: “Did I embarrass u yesterday?”

ME: “Embarrass me? How so?”

ANYA: “U know I came yesterday don’t you? I get so turned on. I love it when you’re inside of me. I love it b/c it’s you.”

For a man who held out for love over many years, her words made up for all the times I thought I meant something to Denise as I learned if I did, I would have heard something like this from her.

ME: “I thought you may have, but I was afraid it would ruin the moment if I asked. I want to know what I’m doing that turns you on the most though. I want you to always feel good, babe. Making love isn’t just about me feeling good.”

ANYA: “Ok I will! I thought you knew but wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to say anything cuz I thought it might embarrass you. I always feel really good when I’m with you.”

ME: “I wouldn’t have been embarrassed at all. I love you. I want to know what makes you feel really good, and trust me, I think I can make you feel even better!”

ANYA: “Ok I need a cold shower now! I love you!”

I could tell Anya was really turned on the previous morning, and it instantly turned me on full blast as well. Even though I had limited experience in the bedroom I always felt confident I could please a woman because of the way I paid attention to details, but mostly because of all the feelings I usually carried for them. I felt I had a style all my own since I was such a passionate person in everything I did especially when I loved someone. Affection naturally poured from me as I sought out all pleasure points as I wanted to know the person I loved intimately, to find things only I knew about my soulmate. I mostly held back loving Anya as fully as I wanted to though only because of the situation. I had fantasies I wanted to experience and explore with her, but I couldn’t go there yet, to her dismay, as I held that card to my chest. I reasoned if I gave her everything what would be her incentive to leave? The last thing I wanted to do was turn our love into something mainly physical, so I held back so we could have something to look forward to on our wedding night and many nights after. Loving Anya also took a huge emotional toll on me whenever she left as it became harder than ever not to give her grief when I missed her. I also took a monster risk beyond my character of making love to her without a condom as I utilized the pull out method. It also proved how much Anya trusted and loved me as she guided me inside her most of the time, and even though I wanted badly not to exit because it felt so good, if she got pregnant our love would be even that much harder to explain, especially to two innocent kids, and at that point who could expect them to understand? My goal wasn’t to tarnish her reputation, but to try and set as good an example as possible in this situation of two people who just fell in love for all the right reasons. I also didn’t want her to leave because she was pregnant with my child, but because she wanted to leave for herself, and to ultimately be with me.

Anya wished me goodnight and that was the last time I heard from her on the day following our beautiful morning together. Sunday nights were tough for her to text because of what I believed to be a family night of some kind, but I could be wrong too. At any rate, I thought about Saturday morning and easily fell asleep as the long work week awaited me after the best personal three-day weekend of my life. Early the next morning, Anya let me know I was on her mind.

7:24 a.m.

“Good morning! I miss u.”

ME: “Good morning! I miss u too. How r u? I don’t know how I’m going to stay focused today with Saturday morning still fresh on my mind.”

ANYA: “I’m fine baby. Can’t stop thinking about our morning too. I think we really bonded and that’s what I can’t get out of my head. Can’t believe how strongly I feel.”

As much as I felt my feelings for her were stronger than ever after our Saturday morning, Anya text was a harbinger of emotions to come. Even as she spent the day writing her daughter’s Bat Mitzvah speech, and all in a span of just thirty-two minutes, she showed me just how strong her feelings were and how much Saturday morning meant to her.

1:15 p.m.

“I hope you’re having a good day. Thinking of you.”

1:22 p.m.

“Great! Finishing up my speech! I think I have it down now. It wasn’t easy. The thank you and acknowledgement letters were easy compared to my letter to Katie.”

1:22 p.m.

“I miss youuuuuuuuuuu!”

1:31 p.m.

“Can’t get Sat out of my mind. I really missed kissing you. I love you too!!!”

1:45 p.m.

“Forever baby.”

1:47 p.m.

“I love you forever!”

For every text I read, I took each of her sentiments to heart. Her texts told me all I needed to know about where she was the happiest, and it wasn’t with Jackson as they gave me hope and the confidence to believe in us more than ever. To believe it was no longer a matter of “if” but “when” as I began to anticipate a promise from her to leave him so we could prepare for our future together. I felt Saturday morning was the clincher for us, and all the evidence in the world she needed that we belonged together as her texts told me there were no more tests we needed to pass. All I had to do was build on her beautiful feelings born from a beautiful morning to see where it led us.

If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.

A little later that evening, she gave me an unprecedented phone call as I quickly answered in anticipation of a long awaited promise I dreamt of for the last nine months.

“Hi babe!” I answered.

“I miss you.” she said sweetly.

“I miss you like you wouldn’t believe Sweetheart.”

“I can’t stop thinking about our morning.” she said. “It was so perfect.”

“I still can’t believe you’ve been to the bookstore with him only twice in twenty-one years.” I said. “I’d hang out with you anywhere if it made you happy.”

“Awww babe. You’re just the sweetest. I love you.”

“I love you too.” I said. “I’d do anything to wake up every morning with you in my arms. Nothing has ever felt so right.”

“It did feel right, but everything we do is going to feel right.” she said. “We’re soulmates, babe.”

“Soulmates, I agree.” I said. “That’s the strangest and most beautiful thing about us though; nothing is being forced at all. It just is.”

“I know! So true! Hey babe, what’s your favorite holiday?”

“I’d have to say, and this might surprise you because it’s not really a holiday, but it’s Halloween.” I announced with reluctance. “I guess mostly because I can hide underneath a costume and pretend to be someone else for a day. What’s your favorite?”

“It’s mine too! We’re so much alike!” she said joyously. “Ur answer doesn’t surprise me! I love Halloween because it marks the beginning of fall. I really enjoy making soups in October. I miss you.”

“I miss you too. I bet your soups are delicious. I love soup. I’ve actually been on a tomato soup kick lately.”

“I love tomato soup!” she exclaimed excitedly.

The more time we spent on the phone with each other, the more we learned how much we had in common as I still couldn’t believe her husband took her to a bookstore after dinner dates only twice over the last twenty-one years even after she begged him to. How could Jackson have believed he ever truly loved her if he refused to grant such a simple request? I understood even better than before why Anya never returned his “I love you” as love was a lot more than a piece of paper that told the world you’re married. It’s also a lot more than putting food on the table and clothes on the backs of your children because I felt as a man, if you were man enough to have kids, you should be man enough to provide for them, and not expect a pat on the back when you did. If Anya and I were married, I would make it a point to go to the bookstore after every dinner to right that wrong for her. In fact, I’d make sure to do anything she wanted to do or go anywhere she wanted to go because if it made her happy then it made me even happier as successful relationships were not about taking, but about giving.

The morning we shared together no doubt brought us closer than ever before as my hope for a promise from her was at an all-time high. She was too good of a person to stay with him now after all we’ve shared as I trusted her more than ever to at least give me a promise she would be with me. I had done everything asked of me and even followed her lead up to this point as she made all the plans to see me over the past weekend without any pressure from me, inspired only by the innate longing we had for each other. I felt convinced she knew what we had was too special not to pursue or to just throw away after so many beautiful moments together. With a promise from her, I felt I could deal with the façade much better because I would then have some certainty about our future. With each text she sent, I could feel the noose tightening on the lies of her marriage as I further sensed the façade’s curtain was about to fall.

8:48 a.m.

“Good morning baby! How r u?”

ME: “I’m good. How r u Beautiful? I miss you!”

ANYA: “I’m good. I’m missing you too!”

ME: “Did you sleep well? Do you have Pilates or kickboxing class today?”

ANYA: “Yes I did. No class b/c my car wash guy needed to come earlier today. Babe I really miss you. I don’t know how I’m going to get through my days. You’re all I think about.”

Anya had a way of making me feel so special and breaking my heart at the same time. This text both warmed me inside and killed me. It made me feel safe to know she missed me so terribly because I’ve never felt so vulnerable for another, but it broke my heart to feel her pain; to know I couldn’t run over there to be her hero and bring her home. Regardless, I felt blessed she could be so open with her feelings for me without any fear or pride as we both could communicate our true feelings to each other without a hint of fear of judgment at any time. And I could have fallen for her based on that quality alone as the days were now harder for me to get through as well because she was all I ever thought about too.

ME: “I don’t know how I lived 36 years without ever knowing you. I feel like I’ve been in love with you at least that long. You’re all I think about too so I’m here for you babe. You’re not alone anymore. I’m in love w/u more than ever.”

ANYA: “Thanks for understanding. I’m in love w/u more than ever too. It’s crazy.”

Anya was right. It was crazy. It was crazy she still shared the same bed and home with a man she no longer loved or trusted. It was crazy she was still with the man who taught her what love was not, and not with the man who led her to know love. It was crazy she was still with a man who claimed to love her so much he couldn’t honor a simple request to visit a bookstore together after dinner. And the craziest thing of all? She was still with this man after all we shared as I felt that was the only crazy thing about our love at this point.

ME: “I think we’re finding out we have so much in common that it only proves how much we were made for each other, babe.”

ANYA: “Yes we do. Yes we were. I love you very much.”

I knew she couldn’t leave Jackson now, but I felt a promise was at least in order if everything she felt was true, and with the evidence all stacked up against her, I felt she felt this burden of proof more than ever.

12:44 p.m.

“Having a Chunky Strawberry!”

ME: “Are you done working for the day? What r u up to?”

ANYA: “Yes I am! I left the house! Out shopping w/the kids not worrying about work or Bat Mitzvah crap! You babe?”

ME: “Still slaving away here at work! Glad you’re out enjoying yourself, you deserve it! Have fun with the kiddos!”

I noticed a subtle difference in the way she communicated to me after our beautiful morning and it led me to feel more like her husband than a boyfriend as my hope increased exponentially each time she sent me a text. I was really happy to hear she was out with her kids and where she wanted to be; with them, not working but shopping. She deserved the down time with them because they weren’t going to be eleven and thirteen forever as it also made me feel better to see her break away from the stress, and to do something for herself. If her high stress ever caused her to fall ill, I would also fall susceptible to a malady because at this point she became the best thing in my life. I simply needed her around, and even more than anyone, her kids needed her around too. In fact, to take it a step further as little did it realize, the world needed her around. I simply couldn’t live on this planet without her now as it would be the equivalent of having a diseased liver with no available donor in sight. As strange as it is to admit this analogy was no exaggeration. My connection with her was so strong I felt that dependent on her.

Later that evening I got a text from her that always shook me.

7:36 p.m.

“R u there?”

Each time I received a similar text in the past it usually meant some trouble was on the horizon. Was she pregnant? Did Jackson question her? Was she going to run away from me again? These questions ran through my mind like I had just received multiple electric shocks as this particular text had the same exact feel of ones like this before regardless of all the positive vibes our beautiful morning together brought us.

ME: “I’m here babe.”

ANYA: “Do I text u too much baby?”

ME: “Not at all! I wish you’d text me more!”

ANYA: “No way! Really? I bug you all day!”

ME: “You never bug me babe! What makes you think that?”

ANYA: “Well, the thing is I miss u all the time and I can’t tell if I’m bugging u or not. I just text whenever I get a chance and I lose track of how much I’m texting.”

ME: “Please don’t ever feel that way, Sweetheart. I always miss you too so it’s the greatest feeling whenever I hear from you. It means so much to me. In fact, I don’t think you could ever text me enough.”

ANYA: “Okay. Good to know. Can I call you?”

ME: “Of course!”

As my cell phone rang while I sat in my car at the gym I began to get major jitters. Everything was going so well, I just expected the bottom to fall out as my life could not be going this perfectly. Something had to be coming my way to bring me back to reality. As I prepared for the worst and even expected it, I bravely picked up the phone.

“Hi. Who is this?” I joked in an attempt to ease my nerves as I answered the phone.

“Babe! It’s me!”

“Me? How could it be me when I just answered the phone? Me who?”

“No. Well…yes. It’s me, Anya babe!”

“Oh, hi babe!” I caved.

“What the heck is going on! Are you okay over there?”

“Just happy to hear from you, sweetheart! Thanks for humoring me! What’s going on? I miss you!”

“I miss you too.” she spoke softly. “I have something I wanted to tell you.”

“What is it?” I asked as I held my breath.

“The friend I’m planning the Bat Mitzvah with.” she paused. “She told me tonight she is going to leave her husband.”

“Really? I didn’t know you were planning Katie’s Bat Mitzvah with a friend.” I said. “I’m sorry to hear that. Why is she leaving him?”

“She told me that he doesn’t notice her. Hard to believe because she’s a pretty lady. I was shocked when she told me because I thought they were happy.”

“She doesn’t want to try and work on things?”

“She has, but he is flat. He just doesn’t care or takes notice of her.” Anya said. “She’s tried everything. Working out, make-up, new lingerie, new hair, you name it, but he doesn’t notice.”

“That’s too bad. At least she tried. It sounds like he has no one to blame but himself at this point.”

“She’s desperate for attention from a man. I could see it in her eyes. I think that is very sad.”

“And there’s absolutely no chance they can somehow work things out at all? Does he even see this coming?” I asked.

“I asked her and she said no. It’s been too long and she has no spark left in her heart.” she confirmed further. “He has no idea. He knows how she feels but doesn’t think she’d leave.”

“Well, he should know it’s important for a man to make his wife feel beautiful especially when she puts forth that much effort into it all for him. He should be so lucky.” I said. “I’m sure another man will appreciate her if he doesn’t. Who knows, maybe this is what it takes to wake him up.”

“Yes I agree. She wants to feel like a woman and he doesn’t make her feel that way. Oh well, we’ll see what happens. I’ll say goodnight now. I love you forever!”

“Thanks for sharing babe. Goodnight Sweetheart. I love you forever too!”

When I turned off my phone I breathed a heavy sigh of relief as I felt what she just shared was the universe working behind the scenes in our favor. I wasn’t a proponent of divorce until all efforts were exhausted but Anya needed to see something like this; a woman who made the decision to follow her heart and to be true to herself. To choose a truthful life rather than remain engaged in a lie for the sake of her child, a child who did not know her pain or struggle. Whether he knew it or not, her husband’s blatant disregard for his wife’s attempts to save their marriage was an act of emotional abuse as I felt Anya’s friend made a health conscious choice to leave him. A rational decision to teach her child that a woman’s self-respect was non-negotiable as I believed a man should lose his title of husband if he didn’t honor nor cherish his wife like he promised to do. Life was simply too short to be spent unhappily, and if it affected your well-being negatively then it was important enough to resolve with the last resort to end a marriage. In my humble opinion, her friend’s decision made a lot of sense as I hoped it would rub off on Anya, and when she decided to share this with me, it gave me the hope it did just that.

I knew now wasn’t the time for Anya to leave but I felt her moment of truth had definitely arrived. I was only a proponent of divorce when all efforts were reasonably exhausted, but if the emptiness and or unhappiness was so great that it led a spouse to sacrifice or compromise their character by being dishonest with all those around them, and led them to fall so deeply in love to consummate that love with another then I thought one should simply leave otherwise it’s just an act of retaliation regardless of any children or any other complications. If I was just Anya’s friend and my heart was uninvolved, but I knew she had experienced this on some level, I’d advise her to leave her husband, otherwise I’d feel I failed to fulfill my duty as her friend. I still couldn’t understand why Carolyn and Debbie did not advise her of this knowing all they did, taken into consideration how highly they spoke of me as well.

Near the stroke of midnight, after I finished writing some of these thoughts in my journal, I felt the need to reinforce my feelings for Anya in case she ever worried about texting me too much again. As the man who truly loved her, and perhaps inspired by her friend’s decision to leave her husband, all I ever wanted to do was make her feel safe so any chance I got, I had to jump on it to show her how much she meant to me especially not being physically there for her to do so. I reasoned if she had any doubt then she could just save my sincere words to her phone and read them like she did my “All I Know” texts.

ME: “Anya Lea. Love of my life. Sun in my sky. The beat to my heart. My best friend. I LOVE it whenever you text me and I LOVE hearing all the things you want to share with me. I would drop everything anytime you want to talk to me. Anything I’m doing finishes a distant second when it comes to spending time with you, even if it’s just a text. Please always remember that. I miss you and love you very much.”

The next morning, she returned my text in Anya like fashion.

7:38 a.m.

“Good morning! Awww baby u r so sweet to me! U were up late! Did u write last night? How r u? I miss u.”

After our Saturday morning, still so fresh in my mind, I had a hard time sleeping as I felt the greatest anxiousness ever in my life as every second brought the anticipation she would make a promise to leave her husband for me. We were both at an extremely vulnerable emotional state and the news she shared with me about her friend who she believed was in a happy marriage, gave me hope my restless heart would finally find peace in knowing we would be together one day. All I hoped for now was just a promise if she truly loved me, and I’d be man enough to handle the rest to make sure we got there one day.

ME: “I had a hard time sleeping so yes, I was up writing. I have a client meeting today scheduled I’m a little nervous about but other than that I feel good. I miss u too.”

ANYA: “It will go smoothly. Why couldn’t you sleep, baby? A late workout?”

ME: “No, not a late workout. I couldn’t sleep because Saturday morning is still fresh in my mind, and I miss having you in my arms. Is it okay I sleep on your side for now?”

ANYA: Ur cute about that! You can sleep on my side if u want! I’ll let you! JK! U were on my mind last night too. I held my pillow.”

After this morning exchange she kept in touch with me throughout the day as she felt the safety in the truthful words of my late night text. The more I heard from the woman I almost lost to fear, the more I felt secure in my longing to be together as her texts helped to ensure my morning meeting went smoothly. With every text she sent me, I further fantasized how one day my nights would end, and my mornings would begin, with her in my arms. To just know I would one day open my eyes and have her in them would no doubt destroy all my past issues with low self-esteem forever. If she felt anything close to what I did, she had to be steeped in anxiousness as I felt the same desperation and hope in her texts.

4:07 p.m.

“Hi! I love you!”

ME: “Hi! I love you too! How’s ur day going babe?”

ANYA: “Great except for the fact I missed u terribly! What r u up to?”

Just like the sun’s gravity upon the earth could not be seen yet its power and existence could never be denied, the power and truth behind our love for each other could never be denied as well. When I asked her if I could call her to return the favor from the previous evening, she announced I could with an exclamation point laden text. Even though I never planned on going there during our phone conversation, this fire of emotions pointed me in the direction of our future as I felt so much love from her over the last week I could no longer contain all I envisioned for us inside. It all started innocently enough as I asked her if she had a Chunky Strawberry for lunch in which she replied “no” because she had a late breakfast. That segue then led us to the undeniable beauty of our Saturday morning. A morning if things had gone slightly different, we could be discussing a pregnancy on the phone instead of what she possibly had for lunch, so I went there, into the void, and when I did, Earth beckoned forth the faces of Sara, Karyn, Denise and Lexi all at once to greet me as I made an unexpected descent.

“I’m nervous about the Bat Mitzvah.” she confessed.

“Why babe? Do you still have a lot of preparation to do?”

“It’s just hard with everything going on in my friend’s life.” she said. “Along with everything going on in mine.”

“I understand. There’s only so much you can do. Just take things one step at a time, Sweetheart. Everything will come together.”

“I still don’t know what to do, Babe.” she whimpered.

“Don’t stress, Beautiful. Katie’s Bat Mitzvah will work itself out. Just watch. It’ll go better than you imagined it would.”

“No.” she said. “About us. I still don’t know what to do.”

“Oh.” I responded with shock then disappointment. “I understand.”

After she communicated that to me, our conversation bordered less on the beauty of our Saturday morning as I fought to hide from her the greatest sadness I ever felt over another woman in my life. Her feelings took me by complete surprise as I decided to take her bullet rather than respond to her with the shrapnel of my emotions. When I hung up the phone after I miraculously pretended to understand how she felt, all the hope of a promise we both deserved deflated within me as I visited my bathroom to dispose of what I had left in my stomach. As I felt the greatest sense of darkness and uneasiness ever in my life, I received a final text from Anya for the evening.

10:00 p.m.

“It was nice to hear ur voice tonight. I just love u so much. Goodnight again. Sweet dreams.”

After I read her message, my past failures with women dialed in as I fell under a direct blind sighted assault from a flurry of negative emotions. I wondered how she could come to my place and share such a beautiful morning with me to only just leave and still not know? How could she share all those beautiful feelings that left me to feel so special and still not know? How could she allow me to feel so much and bring me so close yet still not know? If she still didn’t know, how could she possibly know she was in love with me? The more I considered her inability to know, the more I failed to wrap my head around her “I don’t know” because it simply screamed to me “I don’t know if I love you” too. She didn’t have to tell me she was leaving Jackson now, but how could she not know at all? Doesn’t love know? Did she not remember I walked away from her because she was married? Did she not remember I almost walked away until she text me “You know people divorce all the time and kids are resilient. I can’t promise when or how but nothing is impossible. I hurt every day because I miss you so much.”? Divorces did happen all the time and nothing was impossible, all she had to do was ask the friend she planned her daughter’s Bat Mitzvah with. It seemed she forgot all about me walking away to avoid this very situation, but now here I was as I felt she further denied her role in my existence. She approached me at Paseos the first night we met, initiated nearly every text exchange, planned our meetings and even asked me to fight for her only to lead me to uncertainty and to run whenever she felt I held her accountable after she encouraged and allowed me to have such tremendous feelings for her? Did I have to disrespect women, even the ones who cared for me in order to get their respect and their understanding? No, I didn’t understand her position, not this time. What did she have in store for me after her daughter’s Bat Mitzvah? Would she text me the next morning only to inform me Katie “looked at her with trust and admiration without knowing her mother was living a life of desperation” like Andrew did during his elementary school graduation? I’ve come too far and loved this woman too much to accept her inability to know. I wanted to be quiet and noble as the last thing I wanted to do was give her any grief, but my heart was too vested simply because I trusted her feelings for me and that she knew what love meant after all she went through with Jackson. I didn’t want to be selfish, but there was also a fine line between nobility and stupidity, and I made it clear from the very beginning I was not in her life to support her marriage or her current environment. I loved her, and I wanted it to change because I knew it was the true source of her stress, pain and sorrow. Furthermore, why wasn’t I told about her kids in the beginning and why were they referred to me as” baggage” instead? I knew why; because she was living “a life of desperation” long before she met me, and as the man who loved her and risked his reputation to be with her, I reserved the right to not let her continue doing so. I could not understand nor allow her to believe she could live the rest of her life with resentment instead of love in her heart. She needed to be real, and she needed to be honest because that’s the promise of the person I fell in love with. Not the person who “didn’t know” simply because it was easier to succumb to fear rather than face the truth.

After all we shared this past weekend, I no longer understood her ambivalence as I felt it was a crutch to avoid the inevitable. If she wasn’t ambivalent toward her marriage, not only did Friday and Saturday morning proved that be a lie, but the entire last fifteen months did. We had experienced everything two human beings in love could possibly experience. How was it even possible she still didn’t know? Did she not see any of the sacrifices I made for her to be in her life in this situation? Did she have any respect for my heart at all? I didn’t think it was right for her to not know after this weekend, and I had to challenge her on it. I hated to put the pressure on her, but I’d be a hypocrite if I also chose to live a lie as I felt emotionally vulnerable because of all she allowed me to feel. How could she not know about something if it felt so “natural” and “right”? What made it so crazy to be with a man who truly loved her and respected her?

Even though I had a right to fight for this, I began to reason by doing so it would be insensitive of me due to the timing of her daughter’s Bat Mitzvah as it would mentally drag her away from a truly important event in her daughter’s life. When I thought of her dilemma in those terms, I understood that part of it, and looked upon it as a good reason to not say anything about how I felt. I didn’t want to trespass on that moment with my grief, but at the same time it was impossible to ignore that her friend she planned Katie’s Bat Mitzvah with was leaving her husband for a lot less than Anya would be leaving Jackson for. I just didn’t understand why she shared that story with me during her daughter’s Bat Mitzvah if she still didn’t know. Why get my hopes up for no reason? If she truly loved me, I felt she would at least be receptive to my point of view, but it was hard not to feel if she stayed at this point, she would choose another man over me, just like every other girl I cared for in my life did. Sara for the taller douchebag who took her virginity and split. Karyn for the company’s Vice-President because of his net worth. Denise when she chose a proven cheater, Cameron, even after she told me he was the last thing she wanted. Lastly Lexi, with her “whirlwind of emotions” as she chose the disc jockey with the connections, ConnectTheDot Tec, who got her into the Playboy Mansion, over me. How could Anya, a woman who was deliberately hurt by a man, her own husband who promised never to do so, instead punish a man who never hurt her? Was there something she wasn’t telling me? I began to believe this was about something other than her kids, and I deserved the truth from her even if it left me with no other option than to scale a bridge to end this atrocity called a life once and for all.

Unable to fall asleep, I waited with worry and fatigue for a text from her to find me the next morning.

9:13 a.m.

“Good morning! Hope u slept well. Have a great day! I love you.”

I wished her a quick good morning and returned the same sentiments as I fought to hide the disruption inside I felt over our phone conversation. I didn’t want to mention anything in such a state of fatigue and frustration. I also had to focus on work to avoid falling any further behind on my jobs, but no matter how hard I tried, my good intentions were powerless against my waterboarded mind as I struggled to both concentrate on work and to hide how I felt. When Anya text me again that morning, I could tell she sensed something was wrong as it gave me an opportunity to open up about the way I felt before my colleagues knew something was wrong too.

10:55 a.m.

“R u ok?”

ME: “I’m ok. I must admit though I had a hard time sleeping last night after we got off the phone. I’m sleep walking through work today.”

ANYA: “Do you want to talk?”

ME: “Is there something we need to talk about?”

ANYA: “Idk. Besides the obvious.”

ME: “What’s the obvious?”

ANYA: “I’m not w/u?”

I felt like I had just been jettisoned away inside a space capsule that found a portal to thrust me into an entirely different world. An ecosphere that left me to my own devices to acclimate myself to unkind and uninhabitable surroundings. With the odds stacked against me as I never felt so alone, I tried to fight back the onslaught of negative emotions within, but I was still terribly shaken by her revelation the prior evening as it didn’t feel like she truly loved me at all; my darkest fear after taking the greatest leap of my lifetime for anyone. I simply trusted in everything she told me before we began our relationship and all we subsequently shared, and now that I knew who her husband was and how he was so consumed with his business and political aspirations, it made complete sense I only filled a void in her life; the very thing I warned her about as I felt abandoned with feelings I didn’t know what to do with that would never change. After our text exchange I lost all focus on work as I knew I had to settle all the turmoil I felt even though it might disrupt her day and destroy our relationship. I had to be real and I had to know the truth. If she needed love in her life, I needed to know how much it meant to her to have because at this moment, I didn’t believe she ever needed love at all, but only the feeling of love as I was only the man she used for a semblance of it, and not the man she truly loved at all.

ME: “Forgive me for feeling this way, but after our beautiful morning together, I no longer can understand it being a question of “if” but rather a question of “when”. Are you sure you ever want to be with me? I’m not asking you to leave now but I think you would know by now to promise me one day you will leave after all we’ve shared.”

ANYA: “Of course I want to be with you but if I can’t promise whether it’s a “when” or an “if” I need to take a walk. It’s like one step forward and two steps back.”

ME: “I’m sorry to say this but if you feel your only option is to walk, then I feel you’re choosing your husband over me. I hate to feel this way, but it doesn’t feel like you truly love me, and I’m just filling a void in your marriage.”

ANYA: “You leave me no choice but to walk. I’m walking. I’m sorry. I can’t handle the pressure.”

Her love was so great for me; my soulmate’s only solution was to walk away from me rather than to know. As her decision to flee rather than fight shattered my soul, my mind imprisoned my heart and interrogated it enough to consider the hardest truth imaginable; Would love ever walk away?

ME: “I can’t handle the indecision after our beautiful morning together. If you think love simply walks after all we’ve shared, then I can’t stop you, but it’s your choice to live a dishonest life, not mine, and I don’t believe love does that when faced with the truth.”

Little did I realize I was on the path to learning what love was all about.