“And give me love over,

love over,

love over this.”

~ “Politik” Coldplay

After the first ever day in my life I truly felt worthy of air, I prepared myself for my own immolation to follow. The bludgeoning of my own heart for loving someone so deeply. I knew if Anya simply disappeared into her home life as the love she showed me never happened, it would be more heart wrenching than ever before. I’d feel it was not done out of love, but done with a purpose because I’d never understand how she couldn’t feel the way I did. And even as I prepared myself for the possibility, a likelihood all its own, I knew I no longer had control of how I’d feel. An inability to stop the sadness, like a hurricane that formed just off the mainland. She gave me the best day of my entire life, just two days after she told me she wanted to be with me, and she only loved me. I respected her position because I trusted her words, but I understood it less each time we shared life changing moments. Each time she showed how much she loved me. I needed her that much more. If she wanted to be with me, then I wanted her to have what she wanted. To have what the character Rosalie in “Eclipse” did not.

What we had was special and beautiful enough to leave a completely dishonest marriage for. People left their spouses for much less, and after all Anya communicated to me, after all she endured, she deserved happiness. If Anya’s unhappiness was of the general variety most couples experienced over time, this love could never be worthy enough to leave her marriage for. If Anya struggled with kind of indecisiveness, as much as it would kill me, I would walk away, but I knew too much about Jackson Caiaphas. I knew her unhappiness intimately enough because it led her to me. Her indecisiveness shouldn’t exist unless there was a truth I had yet to learn. A truth she purposely hid to spare my feelings, and that was the challenge for me because it would leave me for dead now.

It seemed like Jackson no longer watched her like a hawk since he let her go to on a weekend trip with the girls. A trip that even saw them surrounded by other men, he had to be aware of. How was she able to convince him of this trip’s innocence? No matter what she said because of the depth of her unhappiness, I believed Anya would be seeing someone else if it wasn’t me. Someone who probably didn’t respect her situation or her heart like I did, and her weekend with the girls in Mammoth only validated my belief. She would have only found another “romantic” who didn’t know what love truly was; like her husband. I felt not only destined but strategically placed by the Universe to be here, and I believed beyond the power to believe we were meant to be; that she was only putting off the inevitable.

Afraid I wouldn’t hear from her the next morning, after such a beautiful day, I texted her to cut off any ill feelings if she didn’t.

ANYA: “Good morning! I’m good! Full day ahead of me! How r u?”

Before I could respond, Anya sent me another text.

ANYA: “I loved it too. It’s so sexy.”

I read the text and it seemed she meant to send it to one of the girls instead of me, but was this the reason why she didn’t have time to text me in the morning? Because she was too busy talking with other people? It was little things like this, that maybe shouldn’t have mattered, nor would have affected me a year ago, that now hurt because she didn’t at least make a promise to be with me. Nothing definitive at all, and that’s why little things that shouldn’t matter, now mattered significantly.

ME: “I’m good! I’ll let you get started on your day! I love you!”

ANYA: “I love you!”

Maybe she sent that text last night, and I didn’t receive it until the morning? I feared it was ridiculous to ask about it, and I didn’t want to make her feel like she couldn’t text her friends. Of course, she could and I would want her to text them any time she needed to, but I also didn’t want her to pretend she was too busy to text me in the morning when it’s not true. I also took into consideration, she spent a lot of time with me the prior day and preparing what she did for me. It was absolutely true she had to play “catch up” the following day and I respected that. It wouldn’t have been fair to her for me to just sit here and pass judgments because she was too busy to talk to me. It wouldn’t be right to penalize her for that, especially after all the love she bestowed upon me less than twenty-four hours earlier. As busy as she surely was, she still found a way to make me a part of her day.

ANYA: “I miss u baby. How’s your day?”

ME: “I miss u too, babe. It’s been a good day! How’s your day going, Beautiful?”

ANYA: “Good! Getting a lot done! Sorry I faded last night, was tired.”

ME: “No apology necessary, Sweetheart. I totally understand. I know you have to play catch up today. You do what you need to do babe. I’m here for you if you need me. Hard to not think about yesterday. Thank you for such a beautiful day.”

ANYA: “Yesterday’s memories are still so very clear. I love hanging with you. I love you.”

ME: “Yesterday was the best. I love you too.”

Positive thoughts reigned the rest of the afternoon after her texts as not a lone wolf negative feeling crept in to tempt me to fall off the cliff. When I got home, I anxiously prepared and ate my rice for dinner as Anya made me enough for a few meals. She even left me an extra container of shredded parmesan cheese and a bottle of white truffle oil, the most expensive but integral items of the dish. As I ate my meal at my kitchen countertop, I envisioned her next to me with a glass of wine and her beautiful smile, but it just made me miss her more. I suddenly began to miss her voice. Her hand in mine. The cutest of smirks on her face. Her laughter and distinct sweet scent. The way her skin felt when it touched mine. Our conversations about anything and everything under the sun. More than anything, I missed her spirit, the air she gave me to breathe every time she came near me, because every time she did, she left me breathless.

After I ate my dinner, I texted her.

ME: “Hi babe! I can’t stop thinking about yesterday! I just wanted to thank you again for the rice dish! I love it! I had it again tonight! I think I can live off this! It’s so good! Hope you’re doing ok. Just thinking of you.”

ANYA: “Hi! I know! I’m still smiling from yesterday! U did? I’m glad! Have to make u more!”

Anya’s rice dish was seriously so good, a death row inmate would request it for their last meal. I could literally eat it every night for dinner, and its simplicity to prepare is what made it even better. Its taste alone told me how much her heart went into it. When she texted she was “still smiling from yesterday”, I hoped her kids were around to witness, just in case they hardly ever saw her smile since they believed the most loving woman in the world was “unloving”. I found it tragic they didn’t know the true beauty of their mother’s heart, and all they knew were fraudulent smiles. I missed Anya differently on this night, the way I wanted to miss her; left to dwell on the happiness I felt and not on the unknown variable as I felt more secure in her love for me, regardless of her indecision.

More than ever I dreamt of the day, I would see a “here” text from her. A spontaneous, unannounced, uninitiated text with her final “here” to me. The one that told me she was coming home. That she could no longer live a dishonest life, but only a life with me in it. That it was more important to be happy and to bathe in the light of the truth instead of the darkness of a lie. That she no longer wanted to be caught under a cloud of deception, by someone who only deceived her. I also dreamt of a meeting with Jackson. One he sought out to confront me. I had so many things to say, so much to teach him about love and life. and so much more I wanted him to know, especially if he believed I sought anything he worked for. Only Anya was entitled to half of what he built, not me. All I wanted was all he ever neglected when his empire was under scaffolding. I went to bed on this night in fantastic spirits and full of more hope than ever before.

When the next morning arrived, Anya didn’t text me to wish me a good morning. It bummed me out as I recalled one of the messages, I received yesterday morning she meant to send to someone else. It also led me to wonder if Jackson still hawked her, and if not, what changed that? When I sent her my morning text, I had that question in the back of my mind as I tried to stave off any negative emotions.

ME: “Good morning! R u catching up on everything?”

ANYA: “Good morning! We’re getting there! Andrew just told me he has a big chapter test in math tomorrow! Another night of studies! How r u love?”

After I received this text, I couldn’t help myself any longer as I feared a day of negativity awaited me.

ME: “I’m okay, thanks. How are you doing these days with your husband? You never talk about it.”

ANYA: “About the same. I have days when I want to run but then the kids…”

I thought she might shed some additional light on the “hawking” situation, but her response was too vague to stop my mind from running amok. She knew I didn’t get involved in her life so she could just run away, as the answer she provided I already knew to a certain extent. I just didn’t know if her response carried any real meaning other than to quiet me from asking me anymore questions. With my hopes of a final “here” text from her greater than ever, I sought further clarification.

ME: “How badly has your husband been hawking you?”

ANYA: “A bit better.”

When I received another short and vague answer, it irritated me enough to dig further for the truth.

ME: “How so?”

ANYA: “It’s not that much better. Just hasn’t bugged me lately.”

After her trip to Mammoth with the girls and the greatest day she gave me of my entire life, why hadn’t he bugged her lately? As much as I wanted to know the reason for it, I also didn’t want to upset her. I guess I should’ve figured she would be short and vague regardless.

ME: “I don’t want to upset you babe. Just curious. That’s all. I care about u, u know.”

ANYA: “Not upset. I appreciate that. Thank u for caring. I don’t want u to think he’s a monster.”

As I read the last sentence of her text over again, it hung in mid-air like the times I called her beautiful, as I couldn’t believe what I read. She didn’t want me to think he was a “monster”? By telling me all the horrible things he did to her, the only reason I was in her life, what did she want me to think of him? That he was really a wonderful man and husband? If she didn’t think he was at least a “monster” of a husband, then how could she ever justify our relationship? How could she steal the justification from me after I went all in? After she told me after I walked away that I broke her heart? Isn’t he monstrous enough to not allow you happiness? To threaten to take the kids away from you if you chose to be happy with someone who made you so? All this pain, I kept inside, away from her so she could be happy in life, and she didn’t want me to think her husband, who emotionally abused her for years, was a monster? How could she text me such a thing after all she told me about him? After all she did for me for my birthday? Now suddenly she wanted me to view him as if I was Carolyn and Debbie, who didn’t know about his infidelities? If she didn’t want me to think he was a “monster”, then she should’ve just treated me like Carolyn and Debbie; like a business associate, like a neighbor. The fact she never kept his infidelities in the dark from me spoke to the truth; she wanted a relationship with me because she painted Jackson as a monstrosity to me. Maybe he wasn’t a monster to others who he depended to make his living off of, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t one. If she wasn’t looking for a relationship of any kind with another man, the truth was she hoped for it regardless of a search for it. I tried desperately to bite my tongue so I wouldn’t say the wrong thing, but other than “I hate you”, she couldn’t have said a worse thing to a man she loved who went all based on all the things she ever told me about him to get what she wanted.

The man that dishonored her. The man that shamed her. The man who cheated on her several times. The man whose actions led her to other men. That only led her to be dishonest with her children. Who brought her to “hate” her own life. She didn’t want me to think ill enough of him to be considered a monster? What was I missing here? Was this a political and business move on her part to hide the truth from others about her husband? If he wasn’t a monster, she basically pulled the rug out from under me after she asked me to fight for her. What would I be fighting for now after fourteen months if I couldn’t find him to be a “monster” at least to her? Did she appreciate his hawking of her as some kind of medal of love from him? The love she found in me that I gave her so unselfishly? She didn’t want me to think of him as a “monster” because it showed he cared about her? It would make her a “monster” to look at things in such a way after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel for her. How could she take away the ground I stood upon after all the love she showed me just a day earlier? How could she say such a thing to the man she loved when he walked away from her over a year ago and she was even upset with him about it when he did? When he tried to avoid a text such as this one? Her not a “monster” text only made me question what was really going on, and if I was even strong enough to know. If she didn’t want me to think of him as a “monster”, I honestly felt violated, like a rape victim because that I trusted her feelings about him. I guess as long as he pays the bills and took care of her kids, that kept him exempt from complete “monster” status, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t a “monster” at all. Since I was in her life the way I was, he could not be viewed as anything less than a monster.

Her text also brought along with it another concern as I didn’t want her love to be the same one, she had for her kids; a love that hid the truth from me to spare my sadness. That’s a selfish kind of love, a love for herself, and not a love for me. It would exist on a dishonest foundation, and I wanted and deserved more than that from her. I understood the lies she told to her children to keep them safe for the most part, but I would never want to be spared in such a manner. But then again, she knew I had the most legitimate of arguments if she ever came clean about such a thing. I held my phone in my hand and significantly pondered if it would be the beginning of the end for us. I couldn’t believe this came from a woman who showed me more love than ever before just a couple of days earlier as it threatened everything we shared together.

ME: “Babe, you have to understand something. I wouldn’t have been in your life for a single day if you hadn’t told me hideous things about him. Not a single day. For you to tell me he’s not a “monster” is defending him, and I won’t allow you to do that after all he’s put you through. Like I’ve told you before, I wish he never cheated on you, even if it meant I never got the chance to feel all the love I do, because I would rather you be happy with the man you chose to marry, than the one you’re not married to. So, I understand he’s not a “monster” to certain people, but he is to me, simply because I’m in your life because of what he did to you.”

ANYA: “Thank u babe. I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

The last sentence of this particular text I read over and over. Now, fourteen months later, after she encouraged and allowed me to feel all I did because of all she told me about him, she didn’t want to hurt him? What did she think being in a full blown extra marital relationship with another man would do to him? She got involved with me, after I walked away to avoid hurting anyone if that was a concern, with no intention to hurt him? Anya’s “as long as no one knows it can’t hurt them” mindset I found deeply disturbing. It’s like she lived in a fantasy world with unicorns and double rainbows around her. For some reason she thought the things we did together didn’t hurt anyone simply because they didn’t know about it? What if they sought the truth to relieve them from the pain? Would that be looked upon as hurting them too and not the actual acts itself? Why would a man who cheated on her numerous times be hurt by anything she did? How could she even believe he loved her over his money? Or even loved her enough to be genuinely hurt by anything she did? If she cared about hurting Jackson, what stopped her from letting him kiss her passionately a couple of weeks ago? How could she show me so much love, like never before, notwithstanding the last fourteen months and then care about his feelings all of a sudden? It took fourteen months for her to decide to handcuff me and lock me away into her asylum of selfish needs?

Her words seeming foretold and ominous truth, the only person who was going to hurt in all of this was the one who truly loved and cared for her; me. The scary part of it was she appeared to have no problem doing that to me, just like the holiday plans she made as she disregarded me as if I had cheated on her. Now she played the role of an innocent victim as if she never set up a date to tell me all the horrific things he did to her. As if I was the one who initiated our relationship, one I initially walked away from, and not the other way around. As if she never asked me to fight for her and never told me divorces happened all the time and nothing was impossible. She didn’t want to hurt anyone yet she had no problem hurting the man who truly loved her? The man who was her best friend?

In total disbelief, I read several times her perceived defense of a husband who wronged her numerous times and a slap to the face of the man who went to bat for her. I even had to look at my phone to see if the text really did come from her. He wasn’t a monster in the sense he was good to his kids, but don’t tell me he wasn’t a monster because his actions, his acts of disloyalty that led her to fall in love with me, even knowingly misrepresent herself in order to coax me into falling in love with her, was all the evidence in the world to know he was indeed a monster. And to my love starved heart, I was easy prey as I suddenly felt like a victim of her love. I knew Anya didn’t want to hurt anyone, but if she had to hurt someone, it would be the one person who stood up for her, the one who fought for her, the one who gave her happiness, her “best friend”, the man she loved; me.

The rest of the day I decided not to text her as I was so distraught over her defense of Jackson. Not two days ago she came over my apartment, gave me the greatest day of my life, and now she didn’t want me to think Jackson, the man who murdered her heart, was a monster. I didn’t get her politics, and that’s what this was; politics. Just like a politician; she told people what they wanted to hear, and never what they needed to hear, to get a vote. How could she bring me this close to her for fourteen months, acts that she knew would only hurt him, and now didn’t want to hurt anyone? It’s not like I wanted her to hurt anyone, but did she think the things she did wouldn’t hurt anyone all because they didn’t know about them? I felt like she pulled a bait and switch technique on me, like a corrupt salesperson would do, as now if I wanted to be with her, I would also in essence be in support of her hurting people. I walked away to avoid hurting anyone, including Jackson, but in the very beginning, Anya convinced me that wouldn’t be an issue as she shared with me all the pain, he brought upon her. So much pain, it led her to me. I asked her why she was there and not once did she tell me “because I don’t want to hurt anyone.” but rather “it’s because I have baggage.” Did she think I would have pursued her if she feared she would hurt someone? Why would I want to hurt people? Why would I have wanted to put her in that position? She had five whole months to consider that she didn’t want to hurt anyone before we reconnected. I trusted this wouldn’t hurt anyone because she convinced me of that. She sold me on the fact he didn’t love her. She never told him “I love you” and never kissed him back were her selling points to me. I mean, did she think those things didn’t hurt him? Now, she suddenly cared about his feelings? What alternate universe did she think she lived in?

In the very beginning, I told her I was not in her life to fill a void. It was why I walked away from her, not because I didn’t care for her. She told me if I swept her off her feet, she would be with me, and she told me I did that ten months ago. I didn’t want to get upset with her and blow our house down with an overreaction, but this was a major contradiction I couldn’t ignore. After her text, I had to learn what truly kept her there. I needed to know the truth as to why she refused to even make a promise after all we’ve shared to make me feel safe. I deserved an honest explanation why she chose to be dishonest after I gave her the path, she claimed she wanted to take, that no one would give to her because she had baggage. As sad as it sounded, I needed to know if she truly loved me.

When the next morning arrived, she texted me.

ANYA: “Good morning.”

Just three days prior, she showed me so much love but now stonewalled me; a seven twenty turn. Now, I believed the end of the road was here after her defense of Jackson brought me to a surprise crossroad. Anya had to leave Jackson in order for us to be together, and if that entailed hurting him, and she didn’t want to hurt anyone, then she misrepresented herself to me from the very beginning. So much so I never had a real chance, and there could be nothing more wrong to allow and encourage someone to fall deeply in love with her, to be faced with what I faced now. On top of all the things I faced and bit the bullet on just for her happiness. I couldn’t allow her to defend him and if that was her plan, then I had to learn the hard truth about her true feelings for him, and me and find some way to move on. When I received her bland “good morning” text with no exclamation point, more fear consumed me as something seemed amiss.

ME: “What’s wrong?”

After I sent my query, I didn’t hear back from her for over an hour, and when I did, it didn’t make me feel any better.

ANYA: “In the office. Can’t talk. Clients coming in.”

ME: “Ok. Talk later.”

On the same day we reconnected fourteen months earlier, I could no longer shake her contradictive behavior at a time she did the most beautiful things for me. I felt bipolar as I went from extreme highs to extreme lows, but along with it also came the fear I was wrong to feel this way. Wrong to question her true intentions. Wrong to question her love, but many things led me to my conclusions. The additional holiday plans she made even after we became so close. Her trip to Mammoth with the girls as if she were single. Now came a misrepresentation all its own in, “I don’t want you think he’s a monster” and “I don’t want to hurt anyone”. Her words even brought me back to the movie theater when I showed up unexpectedly and it didn’t feel right to her because what if “someone else” wanted to tag along because she wasn’t a “mean person”. The only way it couldn’t feel right to me, is if I hid something from her I didn’t want her to know or see. Even though I had my doubts before, for the first time, something about her love for me didn’t feel right at all.

Later that afternoon, Anya initiated contact.

ANYA: “We just had a come to Jesus meeting at the office about corporate cuts. Rude awakening for all. Not a good day.”

ME: “Sorry to hear that. Does the company plan to downsize?”

ANYA: “Hard to predict. We’ll see. Sorry to be talking about it. I need to turn it off for now.”

Anya worked for Jackson, the person she now suddenly didn’t want to hurt, so I honestly didn’t know what to make from what she shared with me. Did she fear if her position was cut, and since she didn’t get her own office that she would be stuck with him for good because she’d no longer have any income? I knew the fact her made her work was a problem she had with him so if that changed, was this why he was no longer a monster to her? It annoyed me she lost sleep over her husband’s business, but then again it certainly affected her kids, and from that perspective, I understood Anya’s concern. But I was caught in the Jackson vortex now, and I couldn’t pull out of it as it pulled me under as anything she did for him, even as an employee, submerged me even more.

Then, Anya surprised me with a text I didn’t expect.

ANYA: “Happy 14 months.”

ME: “Happy 14 months.”

I interpreted her text as her acknowledgement we were together, and not broken up after her visit a few days earlier. As sweet as her text appeared though, it also had another chance to be a political maneuver. I couldn’t understand how she could love me so much, be so sweet to me, then tell me she didn’t want me to think Jackson was a monster. After her text, she surprised me once more and asked me to call her and unfortunately, I obliged. Something I should’ve never done while I struggled to understand her defense of her abusive husband.

“Hi babe. How are you?” she asked upon pickup.

“I’m hanging in there, babe. How are you?” I asked reluctantly. “Sorry to hear about the corporate cuts.”

“Yes. It’s hard. There were a lot of people crying today.” she elaborated. “They’ve been with us for so long. It was just so hard.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. I could imagine how hard that would be.” I said. “There may be a reason for this though.”

“What do you think the reason is?” she asked softly.

“Maybe this may make it easier for you to make a decision about us.” I said as the confusion I felt carried over.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I guess I can imagine it might be a little easier to leave now.”

“How so? How could it be easier?”

“Just because you know…the employees are losing their jobs because of the economy…” I said. “And not because of you leaving your husband.”

“You don’t understand my position.” she stated coldly.

“What position is that?” I returned.

“The position with my kids, Landyn.”

One of her concerns was how her employees would be affected if she were to leave Jackson. Now, with corporate cuts, she wouldn’t be responsible at all if she left Jackson, but rather the softening economy. Anya, unfortunately didn’t seem to share my optimism consistent with trusting in our love, and that rattled me deeply.

“How could you say I don’t understand your position with the kids, babe?” I asked. “Isn’t the fact I’m still here fourteen months later all the evidence in the world that I do? I’ve shown you nothing but patience and understanding, but to be honest, after all we’ve shared together, after just the other day alone, I am starting to understand less and less why you are still undecided.”

“Why are you understanding less and less?” she asked in a terse tone.

“It’s like you don’t pay attention to the opportunities to leave, and you only find more reasons to stay.” I said. “After all we’ve shared do you expect me to be supportive of you staying? After all you’ve allowed and encouraged me to feel? After I walked away from us the first time we met? Is your love for me solely based on the condition of me understanding your position with the kids?”

“No.” she said decisively. “but I would think your love would.”

“I’ve done nothing but prove my love for the last fourteen months Anya. I’ve never broken up with you. I’ve fought hard every second of the day to understand your position with the kids, and If I didn’t understand your position, I would be constantly pressuring you.”

“Like what you’re doing now?”

“This pressure is for the same reason you gave me when you first approached me at Sonomas.”

“And what reason was that?”

“Because you couldn’t help it.” I said “Now I can’t help it either, babe. I love you, and after you gave me the greatest day of my entire life. I can’t help it as much as you could the night you approached me.”

“Why are you punishing me for loving you?” she shot.

I didn’t know what to say. She felt I punished her for wanting her to be with me? Her words left me in complete disarray as I tried to gather my thoughts for a response.

“Punishing you? Babe, I love you! By loving you, I’m punishing you?” I asked incredulously. “If anything, I feel punished because I don’t understand how you could bring me so close without at least a promise to be with me one day. I can’t understand how that’s possible. You punish me every time you pit me against the kids. Why would you share their lives with me, allow me to love one day to meet them, to only pit them against me? Against us? Against your well being and happiness? I’m sorry but after all we’ve shared. I don’t understand how you could do that. How you could make it me or them, instead of me and them unless there is something you’re not telling me. It’s not right babe. How could you expect me to understand your position when you’re not even willing to understand mine?”

“I got to go.” she said. “I can’t have this conversation right now.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to cause you any distress, but it’s how I feel, and I want to be honest with you about it.” I stated. “I don’t think it’s fair that you can love me as much as you want and whenever I love you back, you tell me I don’t understand. Don’t you think maybe I’m the one being punished here, and not so much the other way around?”

“Goodbye, Landyn. I gotta go.”

Before I could say “goodbye” all I heard was a click as the day of our fourteen month milestone was also the first time she ever hung up on me. I put my head in unsteady hands and pushed the phone down on the same countertop we shared the best meal I ever had made for me just days earlier as the silence of the four walls of my apartments seemed louder than ever. I paced for a few minutes before I picked up the phone and called her back…but it went to voicemail. In lieu of a voice message, I decided to text her an apology instead, but I never heard a word back, as if my words, my thoughts, my feelings, all she encouraged and allowed me to have, were lost. I then sat down in my rarely used recliner and as I rocked back and forth, I imagined life without her. And when fear went from my mind to my stomach, I rushed to the bathroom to empty it. The psychological and physiological toll of my relationship with Anya now started to bubble at the surface, like a dormant volcano before an eruption, as I knew my focus at work, something I needed to have during busy season, would be impossible to find the following today.

I began to fear I did punish her unjustly as I surely created a distraction for her at home as my feelings erupted on the phone. I hated to put her in that position if her kids were near, and that position of hers I truly did understand and wanted to. I loved her dearly and the last thing I wanted to do was give her grief or to have her kids see tears in the eyes of their mother. After all the love she showed me just days earlier, it wasn’t fair to steal her happiness away from her as well, the thing that probably got her through the day; the very thing that didn’t make her hate her life. In that sense, I could see how my words punished her as it broke my heart to think of her struggle at home because of what I communicated.

As lonely it was at my apartment and how loud the silence was, I had it easier than she did at these times. At least I could write in my journal to vent while she had to hide the pain inside, and in that sense, I failed her whenever I broke down as she felt punished because my feelings damned her to a life of sadness. After she did something for me that made me extremely happy. I had no control at times of the pain that swept over me. I hated to admit it, but I hurt so badly now and I wanted to love her on my terms too; not just her own. I couldn’t tell the world what she meant to me and it not only wore me down, but it tore me apart. It amazed me how a woman could give me the highest sense of self-esteem yet at the same time, leave me with less than none. Especially when I not only believed in her love for me over the last fourteen months, but trusted it completely. And that’s what scared me more than a demon’s face in the middle of the night, that she never knew what love was, what it truly meant and all it stood for.

I looked fine on the outside but inside I felt broken and homeless. When she didn’t want me to think Jackson was a monster, she in essence put a chain around my neck and left this dog to die. Her sentiments that she didn’t want to hurt anyone and she didn’t think I understood were meant to hogtie and handcuff a man she called her hero. It seemed the woman who wanted to be with me, who hoped, wished and dreamt about it, could find a no reasons to leave Jackson for me. She seemed to talk herself out of it each and every time Despite all of the beautiful days we shared, she talked herself out of what she wanted even when the opportunities presented themselves. In her heart it wasn’t a sin to love me, but a sin to be with me regardless of the acts of love she encouraged and allowed for over a year.

The longer my phone remained motionless, the more emotions filled me, until I needed to release them before they drowned me. If this was now a choice between flight or fight, I opted to fight because I really had no choice left as I tried to break through all she cuffed me with.

ME: “You want me to understand your position, but have you really ever tried to understand mine? Babe, leaving me and abandoning me with all these feelings is not understanding my position. Should I have understood your position and only wanted a fling with you? Should I have understood your position and just not put my heart and soul into loving you at all? Should I have understood your position and not taken us seriously? Would that have been understanding your position? Is that understanding your position all because you have kids? Kids that were presented to me as baggage by another man and the only reason you were still married when we first met? You’re basically telling me that parents with kids never divorce. Especially those who fall in love with other people. You told me I’m “punishing” you all because I want to be with you but how is that punishing you if you want to be with me? You’ve changed me forever. Your love is embedded deep inside me. I’ll never be the same man again. I walk this world a stranger to my own self now. Everytime I listen to music, I think of you. Everytime I read a book, I think of you. Everytime it rains, I think of you. Everytime I eat a banana with almonds in the morning, I think of you. Everytime I put a thought to doc, I think of you. Everytime I go to the gym, I think of you. Everytime I lie in my bed, I think of you. Everytime I light a candle, I think of you. I can’t believe I would ever say this to anyone, but don’t u feel the slightest sense of an obligation, after all we’ve shared, to at least find a way for us to be together, or is that solely up to me? You may not be free to love me, but since your husband already knows about me, in essence, I’m now free to love you. I know it’s not him versus me, but I don’t like what he’s done to the mother of his children, the woman I love, to be where we both are today.”

In my book, he was a monster. His mistreatment of her feelings and emotions led her to me. I made it clear in the beginning, I didn’t fall in love with her just to fill a void. She had to go to bat for us. She couldn’t run when the going got tough because she wasn’t the only person in this now; I was too. If she didn’t want to hurt anyone, why did she seem to choose the man she loved to hurt the most? The one who fought for her every second of every day since we reconnected. Why was the man who gave her hope the one she punished?

It felt like I was losing her forever, and I couldn’t stomach the thought she didn’t want me to think he was a monster, when it was simply the truth about him. She also tried to take away the reason I chose to be in this relationship in the first place. I couldn’t accept she suddenly didn’t want to hurt anyone after she allowed me to be here. She basically implied that it was I who wanted to hurt people which was entirely untrue when I trusted her to do the right thing and come clean. More than anything it broke my heart I couldn’t return the love she showed me a couple of days ago. I had to come to terms that I reached my breaking point, as it disgusted me that she remained to be Mrs. Jackson Caiaphas. I didn’t care who he was, after all we’ve shared, after all the love she gave me two days earlier, I didn’t want him to try and kiss her passionately ever again. I didn’t want to endure another Valentine’s Day with them together. I didn’t want to her to share a bed with him even if she slept on the far side of it. I knew my heart could never withstand another trip to Europe with him. I simply wasn’t strong enough for this relationship anymore because I loved her too much now to pretend, I was fine with the current arrangement. If she were to fight me, on any of this, then how could she possibly know what love was, yet believe in it? Even though I believed she loved me, I had to challenge what love meant to her, and this would tell me the truth. She knew, from the very first time we met what I experienced with her now was all I ever feared, and the only reason I left her alone in a bar on our first date.

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The next morning, the light on my phone blinked incessantly, and after the text I sent, I feared to stop it, but I knew it only delayed the inevitable.

ANYA: “I want to take a break. Not b/c I don’t love u, can’t handle the pressure.”

I walked away from my phone as if it were a leper to her, and showered before I responded to suppress the heavy emotions. Where did she think loving me as much as she did would lead us to? How could she read that text, one I felt made a ton of sense, and come to the conclusion the only solution was to punish me? As much as her words hurt, I could see also see her side as I didn’t know if I failed her or if she failed me. How could she ever assume anyone, man or woman, would be willing to fall deeply in love with someone who shared their bed with another? How could she not be prepared in any way to leave especially when she knew I walked away before? What would make her believe any man would be understanding, even regardless of the kids after all the love she showed and shared? If she stayed with Jackson now, it would be the ultimate tragedy. And if I knew that much, so did the Universe. When I returned back to my room after my shower, still unsure how to respond, she sent me another text.

ANYA: “I know you’re hurting. I’m sorry…I’m thinking of you.”

For a woman who claimed she felt all the same things I did, how come she wasn’t hurting? And regardless of my pain, one she knew of, her only solution was to take a break and leave me more in pieces? After fourteen months of a love I initially walked away from, this was her only solution? For the first time, I truly lost belief not only in her love for me, but love in general. How could she expect understanding from me yet not understand why I struggled so much? How did her love morph into only my understanding of her, which I patiently did for fourteen months, without her understanding of me?

ME: “Where’s the pressure when you dream and want to be with me”

ANYA: “Pressure to be someone I can’t be for you right now.”

She encouraged and allowed me to feel deeply for her that it literally killed me every day for the last fourteen months yet she couldn’t at least make me a promise to leave one day? I didn’t ask her to run away, all she had to do was make me a promise. Something to make me feel safe, but instead all I received was a bait and switch as she went from all these monstrous things she told me about her husband to her not wanting me to think he was a “monster”.

After I read her text, I tried to understand her a little better because I didn’t want to lose her when I needed her more than ever. It was possible I failed to get my point across to her. Maybe I wasn’t being fair to her?

ME: “I know you love me. I can understand you don’t want to hurt the kids. I totally get that. What I struggle with is this. What happens the next time he tries to passionately kiss you? What will he do if you refuse his advances again? To imagine you having any intimacy with him after all we’ve shared just hurts me like crazy now. I don’t want you away from the kids. I just want you away from him, especially after all we’ve shared and all you did for me on Tuesday. I remember the other day you compared “sex” to the white truffle. I know you didn’t mean anything by it, but I even struggle with that because you told me you only have “sex” with him. It leaves me to wonder sometimes if you’re there solely for the kids.”

ANYA: “Ok the white truffle thing was just a figure of speech and it was a joke. You need to drop that cuz it’s so ridiculous. I’m not even going to address it.”

Even I felt it seemed pretty ridiculous too, her “you need to drop it” and “I’m not even going to address it” didn’t seem to carry the love she showed me just days earlier. I don’t what prompted her rude remark simply because I told her I didn’t think she meant anything by it. Again, it showed how it was to be expected I understand her only, and not understand how that could make me feel. If she truly felt her white truffle comparison to sex was playful, then I felt bad for my misinterpretation of it, but again if I made a remark, ridiculous or not, that affected her emotionally, I would always address it simply because it did. This cold side of Anya I witnessed one time seemed to be a masculine side I never knew existed. A side that lacked not only lacked empathy, but also accountability. A side that also belonged to Jackson.

Before I could respond, she sent another text.

ANYA: “There’s no passion and intimacy. I told u it’s not like that. I can’t even remember the last time. Yes, it’s been that long. He will never kiss me passionately!”

I found appreciation in her passionate response to never kissing him passionately again as it was consistent with her true feelings for him that led me here.

ANYA: “U told me last night you don’t understand the “kid” thing and you never will. That hurt. If you don’t understand and I’m supposed to be what you want me to be right now, it’s not going to work. Sorry.”

ME: “Understanding is not a one way street. It’s not that I don’t understand the “kid” thing. I do. Again, I wouldn’t have been in your life the last 14 months if I didn’t. The thing I don’t understand is you have brought me closer regardless of the “kid” thing, to the point you have to understand how I feel too. It’s not like we haven’t had a relationship and I’m asking you to leave your marriage. I can understand the “kid” thing in that sense but not after all we’ve shared. You told me you shared the lives of your kids with me because you wanted to share them with the man you love. Not because it would one day give me pause in wanting you to leave your marriage in fear of hurting them because I knew them so intimately. Can you at least understand the way I feel? It’s not all about me, but it’s not all about you too. It’s about us.”

ANYA: “I can appreciate why u feel the way u feel.”

The contrast in out text exchange began to stand out as we seemed disconnected, but I couldn’t help myself as I had so much on my mind.

ME: “I’m sorry I hurt you with what I told you last night. I just lost it. My torment has nothing to do with the kids. I don’t mind what you do for them, but the things you do for your husband creates a blur, and sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing between the two. I’m probably wrong most of the time, but I’m also not sure. I see married couples walking and holding hands, kissing and just enjoying each other’s company. I see this through my friends as well. And it makes me sad, not for myself, but for you. You deserve a simple love like that more than anyone. I’ve seen and felt how being in love is important to you. I know what it means to you. So I fight for that not just for myself, but for you. For us. For you to go through all the trouble you did on Tuesday, to make it so special for me, showed me how important being truly loved is important to you. You matter too, and I’m your greatest advocate for that. You don’t just deserve a romantic dinner, but dinners. I fight for that too. I want you to have so much more and I think it’s entirely possible. I just haven’t found a way yet to make your feel less guilty about it. If you were still dating Lance, and I was just a friend who knew, I’d still feel this way.”

ANYA: “I don’t think you will ever full understand the “kid” thing. Maybe I’m not selfish enough to go after my happiness in fear of hurting them?”

After I read this message several times over, I couldn’t believe how she didn’t see the wrong in her words. She was not selfish enough to go after her own happiness after she promised me the night we decided to date that if she fell in love with me, she would be with me? Wasn’t that the selfish act? To take my heart and soul, to break that promise and remain with another? Did she forget the time I almost walked away but she told me “Divorces happened all the time and nothing was impossible”? Why didn’t she tell me this the night we first met? Why after she encouraged and allowed me to fall deeply in love with her after I tried to save my heart and soul from this agony when I walked away from her?

ME: “Babe, you’ve already gone after your happiness though. I’m proof of that. You wouldn’t have phoned me to make a date if you never went after your happiness. I exist in your life in a huge way and I’m sorry but no matter what you tell me, to after happiness in life because you want to be truly loved, is not an act of wanting to hurt your kids. You’re right though, I will never fully understand, not only because you brought me into your life, in a huge way, and for all the reasons you know why I am. It doesn’t mean I don’t respect the “kid” thing. I know how fragile it is and how you feel about it. I respect you and I love you. The effort to understand will always be there. The thing that upset me last night is it sounded like it should be expected of me to understand, and I felt “sure it is, if we didn’t fall in love with each other and if I wasn’t in your life for the last 14 months in the manner in which I am”. I would never put myself above them; ever. And I understand for the most part, but to expect that from me after all the love you had given me even amidst his suspicions and regardless of the situation with the kids that was in place the first night you approached me at Sonomas, circumstances you are far more aware of than I was, just got the best of me. I reacted in a way I didn’t intend to. I love you and I do understand how you feel about your kids. I really do, but your last text makes the assumption I want to hurt them by wanting you to be with me, and that’s not a fair position to put me in. I can’t fully understand nor support it because I am in your life and I know too much. I know the truth. I know your sadness. I know your struggle. I know your pain. I also understand this isn’t their fault and it’s unfair to them, but when is life ever fair to anyone? Do you feel any kind of obligation to teach them about life or keep them contained in a bubble life itself with remove them from one day? Let’s take a look at the situation in the movie “Bridges of Madison County”. Good husband. Good father. 4-day love affair and her lover was a traveler. She would have certainly had to leave her kids behind therefore that supported her decision to stay. I’m not a traveler babe. I’m here and there would be minimal if any shake-up at all. Plus, we’ve been together for 14 months, not just 4 days. There is no comparison if you ever feel inclined to draw one between the movie and us. Also, the two partners at my firm both came from divorced families. Today they are not only happily married, but successful as well so it’s hard for me to fully understand the fear because I believe it to be on based on the short-term and not the long-term. They are not going to be kids forever, so I feel they both need to see a healthy marriage so they both can have one someday. I’m sorry, but there are success stories, and that’s how I feel about the “kid” thing, and it doesn’t mean I cannot understand it.”

After I sent her this text, I never heard back from her for the rest of the day as I guess it was a little truthful for her to handle. Something else kept her there; not solely for the kids. She was right though, I’d never fully understand her position with the kids simply because it was based on a lies, manipulations and falsehoods. I’d never understand because it was never communicated to me as an issue when we began our relationship. A courtship she knew I held strong reservations for because I initially walked away from it. At lastly. I’d never fully understand because she already went after her happiness; the day she decided to start a relationship with me. She seemed to hold the belief that if we ever ended our relationship based on the kids, I could never be hurt by it, and would easily understand since I loved her. The problem was though, something she couldn’t come to terms with, is I never once agreed to be a permanent participant in this dishonest situation. That I would live eventually only in the truth, the way I always lived my life. That this was only temporary until she fell in love with me. What we agreed to the night we made the decision to trust one another. All I wanted from her was nothing less than the truth, and now I wanted to know the real reason she couldn’t decide whether or not to leave Jackson. The kids were a part of it, but not all of it. She went after her happiness well over a year ago, and she already proved she would regardless of the kids even before she met me, so what was the real reason behind her indecision? If she still loved Jackson, in any way, enough for him to suddenly be deemed not a “monster”, I needed to know. If that’s what it took, I needed her to rip my heart out of my chest. Anya feared the truth in her life, but I bathed myself in it. Even if it meant my destruction, it also was tied to my survival, and I needed to know so I had a chance to fight off the seduction of a marine green bridge.

Was it her image? Was it his money? What did she really think of me? What kind of judgments did she pass upon me to feel I wasn’t good enough? What made this “true love” in her eyes? She couldn’t play politics with me, with a need to say anything for personal gain. She had to ditch the need to tell people only the things they wanted to hear and not the things they needed to hear. The navigation of day to day life could be political, but love should never be, and I refused to be a victim of her politics. I only wanted to be part of a world of truth again, but I needed to know the truth behind why she refused to join me as I just wasn’t sold on “the kids” being the only reason anymore.

When I didn’t hear back from Anya after I poured out my heart and soul to her, and greatly hurt by her disappearance, I waited until it was late when her phone was likely off, and texted her again.

ME: “What is so selfish about being happy again because your husband cheated on you and disrespected you? Is it all about money and social status? Is that why you still carry his last name and wear his ring? I guess I’m learning if you have money, it’s ok to cheat on your wife and even be protected. I have to be honest. I’m really upset by the fact you told me he cheated on you but all your friends think he’s a saint and you’re so lucky to have him. Don’t you think you should be standing up for me, not running from me? I’ve done nothing but show you love by completely opening my heart to you. So, the only way we can be together is (a) he cheats on you again or (b) you receive permission from your kids to divorce him? How can you allow me to fall so in love with you if this is what needs to happen? Do you have any respect for my heart at all?”

I knew my text would create a firestorm as I instantly felt regret after I sent it, but her silence drove me crazy, especially after all we shared just a few days prior. I tried to check my emotions and then felt bad for her and sent another text at fifteen minutes past two in the morning to try and soften the blow, but soon realized the pain and injustice I felt made it impossible.

ME: “I’m sorry. I am just having the hardest time right now. I waited 38 years to feel what I did with you on Tuesday. 38 years. I think you’re right. I am crazy. Here I am struggling and where r u? Lying next to him. Your life not missing a beat. You want to be with me and dream of being with me, but it now seems you just never had any true intentions of being with me. I can’t believe this fear of hurting your kids existed after you chose to go after your happiness. It had to exist when we first met and you hid it from me. I should have known though. I feel so stupid. I don’t want your life to miss a beat, but it’s not fair mine has to.”

I tried to soften the blow from my first text, but the more I wanted to dwell in the truth, the more I was torn into pieces by emotions. I had zero previous experience with this absolute helplessness as I could no longer hold back all I kept from her. Fourteen months later, for her to tell me I didn’t understand the “kid” thing, and to say she feared to go after her happiness, after something she already did when I gave up my own happiness for her, was wrong of her to do. I wasn’t a superhero and my needs should matter too because as it stood, she felt the choices she made represented a sole sacrifice. The fact her decision excluded me from the equation, the man she loved, killed me as it carried a complete denial the reason I existed in her life. In my mind, the only way she could ever make such a sacrifice to stay for the sake of the kids, is if she still loved her husband, or he gave her the free rein to love life as a single person because marriages were unrealistic anyway. The all girls trip to Mammoth only brought to life this fear, and what real incentive did she ever have to leave her marriage when Jackson allowed her to live the life of a single person? Was this the real reason why Anya, Debbie and Carolyn stayed in their marriages? That some sort of arrangement was reached between them all that kept the face of their marriages intact as long as they didn’t fall in love with another man? Then when a guy like me, apparently a rarity, comes into their life with nothing but a pure heart to challenge their accord, to love them deeply enough only to get treated even worse than the men who dishonored and disrespected them did? All because the money they possessed allowed them to live the life they did? If Anya could love someone so deeply as she loved me and had no problem at all to find justification in a situation that always existed to abandon them, then how could this scenario not be a plausible one?

I couldn’t believe the mess I now found myself in, as her love for thrusted me from hero to homewrecker, all because I wanted her to be with me. The one who claimed she wanted to be with me too. I felt crazy to question her love and her intentions, but her absolute silence didn’t do anything quell the storm within me.

When I woke up the next morning, the first day of February, I dreaded her response as I feared it would only inspire more of a reaction from me.

ANYA: “I hope you know you’re chasing me away with all the mean things you’re saying to me. I’ve told you nothing but the truth from the beginning.”

When I read the first sentence, I felt remorse however it reminded me that she lacked any understanding, something she demanded from me. Wasn’t sexual acts she still did with her husband, after all we’ve shared and after she encouraged me to be in life after all the horrific things she told me of him, being mean to me? This only provided more evidence why I felt she denied my existence in her life, and if she didn’t want to hurt anyone, wouldn’t she passionately kiss him if he wanted her to?

It wasn’t her first statement that bothered me though, but rather the second one she made. Did she honestly believe she told me nothing but the truth in the beginning all because she told me she was married? Something she was basically forced by my friend, Mitch to do? She never told me about her life and all I’d have to endure. She never told me about the client dinners, the girl get togethers, the spills, the neighbor parties, the birthday parties, the kids parties, the family trips, the “business” trips to Europe, the volunteering, the social events, the girl trips, and that I would only see her when she could fit me in. She never told me this relationship would be solely on her terms and not mine, yet I had no right to question her intentions? She never once told me, in the beginning, it would be up to me to take days and lunches off from work just to see the woman who loved me. I had no idea I would see and spend time with the one who loved me so much to what equated to seventeen percent of the entire year. She never told me a single thing of all I painfully learned, that she knew from the very beginning. I only knew what I became nauseous enough to ask about, and that’s the only time I got the truth. The things she could no longer hide from me. And here laid another of her great contradictions; if she went through that much trouble just to have happiness in her life, then why did she continue to ignore the truth and not decide to be with me? The only way I could make any sense of that was that she loved someone else too, the man who led her to me.

Fourteen painful months later, I began to see all I truly did was fill the void; the love she no longer had with her husband. Even after all the things he did and said to her that dishonored her. After all the broken vows even at the time she needed him the most, and after all the love he chipped away from her heart, I was the one she would ultimately punish for his crimes against her heart. That Landyn was the “monster” and not Jackson because he provided safety and funded the dreams of her children. She stayed for the kids, and she always did because he funded their lives and so marriages were unrealistic anyway. And if marriages were unrealistic, then a love that lasted forever were as realistic as her words “I love you forever” were. All I learned the day before were all things she should have shared the night we decided to give love a chance over a year ago. She told me nothing close to the truth from the beginning, only the things she could not hide from me, like the ring on her finger. In the beginning, I only heard “my husband has cheated on me four times” but not once did I hear “but I am willing to accept my marriage because of the kids.”. And that was why I would never fully understand the “kid” thing. It was because of what she chose to share with me in the beginning, and her more than conscious choice to encourage and allow me to love her. All of these things, she now was more than willing to share, only came after she hooked me, and now she wanted to throw me back into waters that would never allow me to be the same fish again.

In the beginning, she also told me she never kissed her husband. Now if she never kissed her own husband, how could she ever expect me to believe she didn’t resent him enough to sleep with him? If there was zero transparency to the intimacy she shared with him then how could I ever interpret this lack of intimacy wasn’t really due to a lack of privacy because of the kids and not because of any resentment she still had for him? Our relationship alone should have provided enough evidence of her resentment for him, but why did she fight so hard to find excuses to stay if being with me was where she truly wanted to be? Even though I found her response repulsive, I decided not to respond as I gathered my thoughts before I said anymore “mean” things to her. But as much as I felt wronged, I held out hope we could get past this as I knew what the end of this relationship represented to me. The end of my trust and belief in love.

On the afternoon of one of the longest days I ever endured, and as I failed to shake off my emotions, she sent me a text.

ANYA: “I really miss u.”

Her text soothed my soul, but it suddenly felt like I needed her more than she needed me. I couldn’t be a part of her life unless she truly wanted to be with me; that she truly believed in our love. I couldn’t lie to myself. I couldn’t ask Anya to be true to herself and not ask myself to do the same. I refused to live in a world of denial. In a world our love didn’t exist in. I simply could not do what she seemed able to do. She asked me to fight for her, and that’s what she received, even if it meant she had to hear things she perceived as “mean”, but she would not be spared by the truth.

Through all our recent turmoil, I forgot she had a race on this day. She texted to ask me if I could check her time, so I visited the race’s website and gave her the news.

ANYA: “2:17? Wow! Thx! Not bad for a cripple! We walked through every H2O station and even had a bathroom stop. Carolyn and I were laughing cuz we haven’t trained long distance. Last time we ran 13.2 was back in October! Cool!”

ME: “That’s an awesome time babe, and even a good marathon pace. Happy for you.”

Even through my emotional and mental anguish, it was impossible not to root for her; a habit now because I loved her. My struggle was trying to make her see my struggle as well. To make this about both of us, and not about either one of us. This reprieve was nice, but why did she seem to think she deserved brownie points for telling me she was married in the beginning? Something she was pretty much forced into doing? If she couldn’t help wanting to fall in love with someone else that much, hadn’t her decision already been made? If she had no real intentions of ever being with me, then the reality appeared to be the longer I stayed, the more I would be hurt. I really didn’t need another lesson in life to learn how little women truly respected my heart, but yet I guess I should be thankful for the gift of life? Well, if this was life, I didn’t want it. I wanted no false hope, and would no longer believe in love, in its magic or its power. If financial resources is what inspired women to love men, even the faithless, enough to be and stay with them, then that was the reality of my dilemma. I began to see a harsh truth about love. That I gave my heart and soul to a woman who deleted my texts on a daily basis; an undeniable sign of a woman who didn’t plan to take a chance with me. And the irony of it all, with all the love that swelled inside me, I began to lose faith in love. Every woman I ever met, even the ones who wanted to only be with me, were apparently all the same; all willing to receive but never willing to give. I thought Anya was different. I thought she would do the right thing. To understand why I was in her life, but with every day that passed, the only right thing she felt to do, was to live the same dishonest life before we met and to find more ways to keep living that way, even for the rest of her life if she had to. Even as I went to bat for her, even after I took a huge leap of faith simply because I trusted her, something for some reason she chose to never understand as she asked for my understanding.

I began to see how this relationship was all about her, and never about me, but it needed to be about us in order to survive. The longer she refused to pursue a life of truth, the more her beauty had to die. The truth was, if she stayed after all we shared, regardless of her children, she could be no better than Jackson, the husband who mutilated her soul with his infidelities. She lived a life I could never understand. A life of apparent entitlements, so much so, she even felt entitled to my heart, something she discarded without conscience if an ache ever showed. If she planned to stay for any reason at this point, after all I gave, and after she told me if she fell in love with me that she would be with me, our relationship was never consensual. She was only truthful in the beginning, when she told me her husband cheated on her four times, but not one time did I ever hear the real truth from her until after I fell deeply; that she was willing to accept it and like all mothers would be willing to sacrifice her happiness for her kids. Instead she allowed another to fall in love deeply in love with her, and that’s where the true sacrifice had to be made. She never told me the truth until after she secured my love for her. After she satisfied her ego and secured my love enough to know it would be nearly impossible for me to turn away. And for her to take any kind of break from me, from our love, at this point, was not an act of love.

I felt it was important to love yourself, but she led me to believe she loved me more than she loved herself, the same way I felt about her. There was no one, not a single person on this earth who wanted her to have love more than I did, but if she believed she’d be unhappy either way, another thing she failed to communicate to me, then all I did was take time away from her. She had to take a huge step forward, consistent with the love she already showed me, but she didn’t seem willing to do so. And if she couldn’t be the person, I needed her to be right now, what hope did I have she would ever be that person? I only fooled myself to believe otherwise.

Anya told me she “risked everything” to be with me, but if her husband was actually going to give her an option, did she ever risk a single thing? Even in the face of known and unknown indecencies of her husband, she still seemed to believe in Jackson’s love for her, enough to not want to hurt him, and that’s what maddened me after this huge leap of faith she allowed me to take for her.

After another night of total silence, a whale of emotions swallowed me whole, as I forgot the next day was the second one in the month of February, my birthday. And I found it ironic that the date of my birth felt like the first day of my death as everything I held dear over the last fourteen months seemed to be a misrepresentation.

ANYA: “Good morning. A very Happy birthday to you! As much as I want to see you, Idk if it’s a good idea. Since things haven’t changed it will be another emotional letdown.”

After I digested her text, it left me nauseous. If a woman truly loved me, shouldn’t she be afraid of an emotional letdown as well? Why did it seem I was the only one left to experience and emotional letdown? Although her happy birthday text was sweet, it was impossible not to notice the schism between my “happy birthday” texts to her that came at midnight while hers came when it was most convenient to send. I appreciated the gesture, and she didn’t have to do it at all after all she did for me days earlier, but I had to be honest with myself. The truth was right in front of my face about her love, and I had to face it. I couldn’t live in a fake world like she did, a world she lived in long before I met her. A world she promised to destroy if she fell in love with me.

ME: “Thank you. I totally understand and agree with you.”

ANYA: “I don’t want to keep hurting you.”

ME: “I know.”

Anya didn’t seem to understand, no matter what she did now after she allowed me to feel so much for her, that she hurt me every single day she stayed married to Jackson. She needed to understand she couldn’t pull the trigger on someone then say “I’m sorry” afterwards, but I also know she cared.

ANYA: “I love u, u know. And I always will.”

ME: “I understand babe, but when you choose to leave me, then it’s impossible for me to trust that.”

ANYA: “I can’t be that person right now so where does that leave us?”

ME: “Is it too much to ask for you to leave your husband?”

ANYA: “No.”

ME: “Would the two scenarios I presented to you the other night have to take place in order for us to be together?”

ANYA: “Idk babe.”

ME: “Would you be unhappier with me than to not be with me?”

ANYA: “No.”

ME: “Do you ever plan on being with me?”

ANYA: “I hoped so.”

At the time of my greatest doubt, her responses meant everything, as I wished she was in my arms after she texted “I hoped so”, but I couldn’t ignore its past tense. I saw why she felt my emotions punished her at times, and how my past may have distorted the truth. If she truly hoped to be with me, she couldn’t have viewed it as her kids versus me or us as she also hoped to no longer be married to a deceitful partner in life. Her responses no longer told me she wanted a break, but rather she needed just a little more time to figure out how this can be done with the least amount of collateral damage done as possible. And like I always did when she hit me this hard with her sadness, I felt bad to question her intentions. Everything was now more than it’s ever been, and not just my feelings for her. My arguments against staying for the kids. My disdain for her husband. My life and death situation I personally faced. The love I felt was no joke. I never wanted to feel love just for the sake to feel love. I needed to know she needed me as much as I needed her. That these emotions were all real. That she knew this was a real leap of faith I took for her, only taken so high because I trusted her that much. And how I’d never feel the same way about love again, because of the manner in which she chose to love me. After her “I hoped so” text, I responded in trust.

ME: “Ok.”

ANYA: “What does that mean? You’re going to go formulate your own story and conclusion?”

I started to laugh when I read her text as I’m sure my simple yet sincere text felt like anything but to her. That I would choose to formulate my own story and conclusions based on the unknown variable when we were apart, to further punish her. Then again, maybe she could just come clean without me ever having to ask about things? To just tell me about all the times she hurt me, rather than leave me to my own devices in wonder? If she eliminated the unknown from the equation, it left no story or conclusions for me to formulate.

ME: “It means I put my faith in your “I hoped so” text. It sounds like you truly do want to find a way to make this work.”

ANYA: “I hoped so. I told u I couldn’t promise you anything from the beginning.”

When I read this text, she threatened to ruin a good moment for me as I had to make it known that wasn’t entirely true.

ME: “That’s a half truth babe. Yes, you did tell me you couldn’t promise me anything, but that’s why I asked you a follow-up question; “what it would take to get a promise from you”? And you told me “You would need to sweep me off my feet”. Basically, you had to fall in love with me. You told me I did that almost two months later at Sonomas. I also have hundreds of texts to show I’ve swept you off your feet and maybe even more. I’m not trying to argue with you babe, I’m just trying to help you understand why I feel so strongly about our love, and why I chose to believe in it. I think by me walking away the first time, the hardest thing I’ve ever done, is all the proof in the world that if you couldn’t promise me anything, then I wouldn’t have chosen to give us a chance. Sorry.”

ANYA: “Idk. I think I need to take a break and think things through. I don’t want to keep doing this.”

And just like that, her “I hoped so” disappeared in thin air.

ME: “This sure sounds familiar.”

ANYA: “Please stop.”

ME: “I understand you don’t want to hurt your kids, but could you explain what you think is going to happen to them if you left your husband? I’ve seen people leave their marriages for a lot less than you would, babe. And I don’t see the lives of your kids being destroyed but rather some sense being made out of them.”

ANYA: “Ok I hope you know you’re doing it again. I need to come up for air. I can’t handle your pressure and longer. I need to get back to work.”

ME: “Again, where is the pressure when you love and want to be with someone? I don’t understand. I’m begging you to please help me to understand.”

ANYA: “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Can’t we just drop it? Can’t we just be happy that we love and have each other for now? I just need a breather.”

ME: “You just texted me that you hoped so. You hoped to find a way for us to be together. So why would you need a break? Why would you feel any pressure if that is true?”

ANYA: “I hope but you keep pressuring me. I want to take a break.”

I no longer knew what she expected. Did she expect me to feel the same for us regardless of feelings that only grew the closer she allowed me to get to her? Did she think she could give me the single greatest day of my life, and just expect me to be fine with no action plan to alter the current arrangement? I needed to see from her a real argument against her marriage, like the one she gave me when she revealed her husband’s infidelities when we first met. I didn’t understand why she felt pressure if she truly wanted to be with me. Not too long ago, she wanted to run to me, and now she wanted to run away from me because I wanted her to be with me, the man she loved? Why couldn’t she withstand the pressure and be inspired to try harder to find a way to make this work, if she truly “hoped so”? She should tell me she just needs a little more time not that she needed a break.

I know I hit her with the hard truth, but I refused to live in the same fantasy world she did. All I did was take her half-truths and completed them for her. There should be no argument between us. At the very least, she should seek a separation from Jackson and give me the promise I felt we both equally deserved as I couldn’t be convinced our love would ever hurt her kids, because it was our love that would allow Anya do the things she needed to do. Our love even understood I had to stay out of Jackson’s way as well. Our love respected that Katie and Andrew were not my kids, and I had to give their parents the space to repair their relationships with them. Anya’s statement of “pressure” left me to feel like the monster, and not the husband who truly fractured their family. As if I rooted for her kids to feel pain, and to be hurt by merely wanting to be with the person who encouraged me to feel all I did. She suddenly thrusted me into the role of homewrecker and stripped from the role of who brought happiness into her life after her own husband, the real monster, raped it from her.

As I dwelled in a gas chamber of emotions, I received a call from my mother, a call I forgot all about that I usually received every year.

“Happy birthday, Honey!” she exclaimed loudly when I answered.

“Thanks, Mom” I said as I tried to hide my disastrous day from her.

“I can’t believe I had you thirty-eight years ago!” she said. “My Lord how time flies.”

“It’s hard to believe.”

“I know you told us you wouldn’t be over to celebrate because of work, but we got you a cake anyway.”

“Oh mom, you guys shouldn’t have.” I said. “Thank you, but I’m on a diet. So I give you permission to eat it all.”

“Nonsense. It’s your favorite. Chocolate! Mmmm.” she said as if she had a few slices already.

“it sounds delicious, but I’m really trying to keep an eye on my weight because I’m sitting down so much because of the busy season. I swear it adds up this time of year.” I said.

“Well, ok honey. We’ll save you some when you come to visit.”

“I don’t know when that’s going to be though, Mom. It’s a really busy year at the firm this year. New clients. More audits. More hours. It’s really crazy right now.”

“How’s Anya?” she asked surprisingly. “Did you get to spend some time with her on your birthday?”

“She’s good. She came over on Tuesday and cooked me one of the best meals I’ve ever had.”

“What did she cook for you?”

“She prepared a rice dish. It was really delicious. I would seriously eat if every day if I could. It was that good and really sweet.”

“Oh, did she put a lot of sugar on it?”

“No, I meant it was really sweet as in it was really thoughtful of her.”

“Oh, I see! Well, I know how picky you are about food so she must be a great cook!”

“Everything she’s ever made me, has seriously been some of the best meals I’ve ever had and you know, it’s just really nice of her because I eat out all the time.” “It was just really nice to have that. To be able to come home to a really good home cooked meal for once in my life…and not just an empty apartment.” I said as I tried to fight back tears as my need for her felt more real. “When I thought I couldn’t love her more, she does something else I fall in love with. She’s just all heart. She prepared food for me from her heart. Her heart was in everything she did for me on Tuesday. That’s why it tasted like the best meal I’ve ever had.”

I didn’t know what to tell my mother as I fought back an onslaught of heavy emotions, as she fought a battle of her own. I felt bad to vanish at a time she needed me, but I didn’t want to burden her about my personal struggles as if they were even on par with her own. After only a month into busy season, I already felt defeated. With the stress of my job, and the fatigue that accompanied it, my emotions were raw and impossible to rein in. My life would be much better with Anya a part of it than not so I believed this emptiness would eventually dissipate. Then give me the burst of energy I needed to be the best version of myself I could be. The version my mother needed me to be during her chemo treatments. But the more I thought about how Katie and Andrew could be hurt if Anya chose to be with me, the more I felt I was up against something I didn’t have a chance at as hopelessness joined my emptiness.

“I can’t believe she found the time to do that for you, considering she has two kids at home.” she said. “She must really care about you.”

“That’s not up for debate.” I said. “She gave me the perfect day. Now it’s harder than ever to not want those kinds of days more often.”

“I understand.”

“I pressured her a little more than I should have, but I felt like where’s the pressure if she wanted to be with me?” I revealed. “If she truly loved me?”

“You have to look at it from a mother’s perspective. It’s not that easy when you have two young kids at home.” she said.

“In what way? I feel I have.” I countered.

“I don’t think you have Landy because I don’t think you really can because you’re not a mother.” she said. “She doesn’t see her kids as strong adults. She sees them as vulnerable babies. She sees them as completely dependent on her. She has a great need to protect them and feels they will always depend on her for that. She sees their helpless little hands in hers. She feels she is their hero and she is letting them down because she remembers the love and the promises, she made to them when they were first born. When she held them for the first time and they cried in her arms. When she carried them both inside of her. There’s a bond there Landy, a bond only a mother can understand. That’s her struggle. That’s the pressure she feels. The pressure she will lose that bond and break the promises she made to them.”

“So, you don’t think she’s making it “me or “us” versus “them”?” I asked as I tried to process all my mother told me. “That she never pit her kids against me?”

“No honey, it’s Anya versus Anya.” she said. “It’s the mother in her. Something only a mother could understand.”

“I guess I should ease up on her.”

“I don’t know Landy.” she said. “I don’t know because she shouldn’t have allowed you to feel so much for her too.”

“I worked at a Daycare for three years. I love kids. You didn’t raise me to hurt children let alone be in this kind of relationship.” I said. “She referred to them as baggage to me. The reason the man she dated before me left her. I was told he left her because she had children, not that she stayed for them. You don’t know how this shift has crushed me inside…but I also know how much she loves her kids. I can’t believe for a second her choice to leave out what she did, and then to pursue a relationship with me, would ever hurt them.”

“I wish I had the answers.” she said. “All I know is a mother’s love for her children.”

“Alright.”

“Happy birthday, Landy.”

“Thanks mom, goodnight. Love you.”

“Love you too, Landy.”

After I got off the phone with my mom, I felt a little better. I had to find a way for Anya to understand all I fought for. And if she couldn’t understand, I had to make sure she at least knew how I felt, and why I felt that way. I respected the love she had for her children. I just couldn’t believe a mother who loved her children as much as she did would ever make a choice to be in a relationship under these circumstances if she knew it would hurt them. It’s why I believed Jackson manipulated her and put fear into her heart about our love. She never felt this way until he interfered, and I know she wouldn’t have put her heart and soul into a dish on my birthday, if she thought loving me would hurt them. I loved kids. I even gave up my dream of having them for Anya because I trusted her love that much. A love that would never put me in the position to love her so much, regardless of her kids, just to have her give her up. I trusted she never would have allowed or encouraged me to feel so much, to come this far, only to lose all we felt especially if the decision to be with me, to choose happiness, would not reside with her. She convinced me this would be solely her decision, and not one made by other people, as long as she fell in love with me, and I loved her too much not to call her out on it.

As I sat in an apartment that grew lonelier by the minute, my cell phone’s indicator light began to blink.

ANYA: “Would u like to talk? Nothing serious. I would like to wish you a happy birthday over the phone if ok with you. If you don’t want to I’d understand.”

ME: “Can I call you right now?”

ANYA: “Please.”

A few seconds later, her voice, like music, was in my ear.

“Happy birthday, babe.” she said upon pickup.

“Thank you.” I said. “Listen, I don’t want to get into anything serious but can I have your ear for a moment please? I think some things get lost in translation over text.”

“Ok.” she said with what seemed to be reluctance.

“I want to apologize.” I said. “I’m sorry. I know I said some mean things to you.”

“It’s ok.”

“No, it’s not babe.” I said. “I’m sorry if it feels like I’m neglecting that you’re a mother. I don’t mean to disrespect a mother’s love, your concern for their children. I respect that and I love that about you Anya. As much as it pains me at times, I love you for not being the kind of person to jump ship and leave you kids behind with nothing but questions. I love that you’re careful about this and I truly support that. I want you to know that I respect you so much for it.”

“Thank you.”

“I love you, Anya. I love you more than you can possibly know because I can’t show you most of the time. You gave me the most special, most beautiful day of my life, but even as it made me so happy, it also devastated.”

“I don’t understand, babe. Why did it devastate you?” she asked with confusion reflected in her tone.

“Because I couldn’t return the love you gave me.” I said. ‘Anya, please consider that when I say the things I do, it always comes from a place of love. All I wanted on Tuesday was to return the love I was given and it killed me inside to know I couldn’t…because you wouldn’t allow me to yet you’ve allowed me to feel so much for you. If you never had plans to leave your marriage because you feared it could hurt the kids, I felt you should’ve just treated me like Carolyn and Debbie, and not told me a thing because now I know too much. And I’ve shared too much based solely on the knowledge you gave me. Babe. it’s not unreasonable for me to believe you should be with me after all the love you’ve shown me, especially after my birthday lunch. I think this would drive most people crazy, especially a person like me because this is something I’ve dreamt about for thirty eight years.”

“You mentioned you were free to love me, and that scared me.” she said. “If you were to ever contact my husband, I would never speak to you again.”

“Why is that?”

“Because I think that’s crazy.”

“Okay, but what if he contacts me?” I asked.

“I would leave him.” she said.

“Really?”

“It would take a miracle for me to stay.” she said.

“I don’t think he ever will though.” I said. “He’s had my number for over a year. I’m sure he would’ve by now.”

“I think there’s a possibility he still will.” she said.

“And you will leave him if he does?”

“I will.”

“I know my text suggested that, but I never planned on contacting him. He would have to initiate contact first.” I said. “And I’d never confront him unless he committed an act of physical violence towards you. And then you could decide if you wanted to talk to me again after that. In my opinion if you chose to never talk to me again, then you never loved me in the first place.”

“In that scenario, I’d speak to you again.” she stated.

“Fair enough.”

“Are we ok now?”

“I have one more thing to say if I may.”

“Yes, babe.”

“If you don’t understand anything at all, please understand this when have any disagreements. Please know where my heart is. It is with you. I love you more than I love myself. I’ve put my entire heart and soul into us because I believed all the things you told me that brought us here. I know your unhappiness intimately, and I’m in your life because I care about your happiness. It’s all I want for you even above my own. I believe happiness is not only important for you to have, but also for the people around you. But I also can’t ask of you to be true to yourself and not remain true to my own self. If I feel something and I say something you don’t necessarily agree with, or that you feel is unfair, that’s okay. I don’t mind being wrong babe when it comes to you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to wake up with only you and maybe the sunlight in my room. I dreamt of being rich one day, but I’m only rich if I’m with you because your love enriches my life. Money doesn’t mean anything to me other than the means to survive. You’re everything good about my life, babe, and it’s hard for me to be noble, when I know I would fade away without you. Just please understand when we disagree, it’s only because I love you and I want to be with you, not because I don’t. I understand you’re a mother, babe but I can’t speak of experience. This is something only you can understand, so please don’t hate me for not being unable to. I really try to, but it’s hard when someone makes you as happy as you make me. I love you with one hundred percent of my heart babe, and you’ll always have a piece of it. It’s just the way it is, the way it’s going to be. Sorry for rambling. I guess I better let you go.”

“I…I…” she said slowly. “I only love you with fifty percent of my heart.”

“Ok…I think that’s fair after what I just put you through.”

“It’s just that the other fifty percent belongs to my kids.” she clarified.

“Then I wouldn’t want to beat one hundred percent of the fifty percent you gave me.”

“I only love you.” she said. “I only want to be with you.”

“I only want to be with you too.”

“I have to go now, Love.”

“Thanks for wishing me a happy birthday.” I said. “Thanks for saving the day.”

“I love you forever.”

“I love you forever.”

When our call ended and as I walked back to my bedroom, I realized I started in my bedroom and ended up in my living room as I got lost in our heartfelt conversation. I then decided to send her a text to apologize for the emotional exchange.

ME: “I’m sorry if I talked your ear off. I had a lot on my chest I needed to get off. I didn’t mean to go back there. I apologize if I did. Thanks for listening. Goodnight. I love you.”

ANYA: “No problem. U were on a roll! I’m glad u told me. Now I know better where the temper tantrum was coming from! Happy Bday my dearest Landyn. I love you too.”

Although I felt a “temper tantrum” marginalized my feelings, feelings I had a right to, I also knew in essence it was, and she seemed to understand better where it came from. She gave me the chance to present my side to her better, something she deserved that from me more than a “temper tantrum”. Even though the fatigue and stress of my busiest busy season to date challenged my mental well being like never before, our greatest challenge lied ominously on an unforgiving horizon.