“I can see your face
in the mirrors of my mind,
Will you still
be there?
~ “Valotte” Julian Lennon
When the next morning arrived, I checked in with Anya to see how things went with Katie. It broke my heart to see her have any kind of problems with her children. A mother’s job was hard enough, and I know Anya did everything she could to make them happy, but politicians did the same thing; to believe they could make everyone happy. Parents shouldn’t play politics with children because not only did kids need discipline, but a parent could never make them happy all the time anyway. A good parent knew this, and it’s what the daycare taught me. You could be diplomatic all you want, but your respected influence will be lost.
ANYA: “Good morning! I’m fine babe. Was just preoccupied w/Katie last night. Big day today! Historic!”
Another reason I loved Anya: she was a moderate conservative, like I was. Although I wasn’t fond of politicians simply because they sold themselves on the ignorance of the populace and lacked basic economic sense. At the time of his election. I felt the United States needed Barrack Hussein Obama to show the world we didn’t hate muslims. That the “War on Terror” was not a war waged on the nation of Islam. Only a small percentage of the Muslim population were radicalized, and Obama presented a good face to hopefully quell the storm. I believed people, even ones deemed psychotic, did things for a reason, and ignorance was our true foe. I believed our leaders, past and present, did something, kept from us all, thing we probably don’t want to know about, that angered Osama Bin Laden enough to gather a group of like minded individuals to hijack planes and fly them into the World Trade Center. I would never justify Bin Laden’s actions; innocent lives were lost, but if we threw into the equation the likelihood our leaders, past and present, did something that also caused innocent blood to be spilled, we’d quickly understand why Bin Laden and his group acted out in such a way. To deny the hijacked planes that tore into our hearts and souls that day weren’t in some way directly linked to the greed and wealth of corrupt politicians, especially taken into consideration we armed Bin Laden in Afghanistan against the Soviets decades ago, I felt we created this Frankenstein, and even dared him to challenge us. And he did. At the price of the precious lives of people who never knew who he was.
Today was a big day for another reason. A much more important to me than Obama’s inauguration. I would see Anya today.
To my pleasant surprise she arrived four minutes early and once she entered my apartment, our hands within each other, we spent very little time in verbal conversation as our eyes and lips spoke for us both. A language foreign to others we spoke fluently. The night before Anya’s visit, I journaled some thoughts about a conversation we had about her not being able to receive flowers from me, and how it made her sad. Flowers were synonymous with heartache for me as it brought me back to when I bought them for Karyn, to only learn she wanted to be with someone else. To go out and buy flowers for anyone again was something I promised myself to never do unless I was married or at least engaged, but Anya’s sadness made me sad as well. As we walked hand and hand into my room, she noticed.
“Oh babe” she told me with wettened eyes.
“What is it? Are you alright?”
“Flowers? You got me flowers?” she exclaimed then pulled away from my hand to walk towards the bouquet on my nightstand.
“I know you can’t take them home…but it doesn’t mean you can never have flowers from me.” I said, smiling. “I just had to get them for you.”
“They’re beautiful.” she said leaning her nose in to allow them to invade her sense of smell.
“I’m glad you approve.”
“And they’re pink!” she noticed then turning to me with widened eyes and an even wider smile. “Very thoughtful of you, babe!”
“It’s the least I could do.” I answered before crashing my lips into hers.
We then walked to the other side of my bed and removed my shirt as she removed her purple blouse. After we removed the rest of our clothing, we then slowly and gently met each other at the middle part of my bed. I then took her in my arms and laid her gently down as I surveyed the beautiful nuances of her naked body like an eagle over a majestic mountain in search of its nest. For the next hour we caught up with each other as we made up for the lost time due to the holidays. Lost in each other, and lost in time, we reconnected on every level as our love reached new heights. We were now into the second year of our love, and her visit rekindled the unbridled passion and love we had for each other. It didn’t matter what we faced, or how much mental anguish we endured. We always ended up in the same place, as the times of separation, that brought the greatest of pain, only brought us back to the reason for it. The sun was motionless and fell into the ocean at the same time on this day, as time seemed to stand still and fly by too fast. After an hour of shared passion and affection, she turned into me, kissed my chest and then gazed into my eyes. I fell into her eyes with my own and began to play with her hair, as I hoped it would leave a trace of her for me later when I read.
“I love every second I spend with you.” she said softly, her mouth open upon mine.
“You arrived four minutes early today and even though it’s only four minutes to the rest of the world.” I whispered with my mouth upon hers. “It’s eternity for me.”
“I always try to get here as soon as I can because I want to spend as much time with you as possible.”
“It means a lot to me.”
“I love the name Landyn.”
“I’m glad one of us does.”
“Why don’t like it?”
“Do you know what it means?”
“No. What does it mean, babe?”
“It means “long hill””. I stated. “I was probably named after my mother’s long labor with me. That’s the only sense I can make out of it. I don’t know if my parents have ever done anything right in regards to me.”
“They raised you…a great man.” she stated with her eyes. “They did do something right.”
I leaned in and kissed her gently as her words hung in midair for me. When I told her I didn’t think my parents did anything right in regards to me, I meant it as a joke but with a little truth sprinkled in. I trusted her words so much that if she believed I was a “great man”, my parents did do something right.
“Thank you, babe.”
“I love you, you know.” She said as her eyes rose like the sun into mine.
“You know.” I said as I brought my lips to hers. “I love you too.”
She then put her cool hand on my right bicep and then came into my arms.
“Love your arms.” she exclaimed. “You’re one sexy guy.”
I then moved my right hand from her shoulders, to her ribs and to her outer thigh.
“You’re both beautiful and sexy. That’s really hard to pull off but you do it with ease.” I said as I put more pressure upon her skin with my hands as I fought to contain my restraint. “You drive me crazy. More than you know. I never take for granted the way you feel about me.”
“Thank you, baby. We have great chemistry.” she said. “It’s different from lust chemistry.”
“How is it different?” I asked.
“It’s true love chemistry! Does that make sense?”
“It makes total sense.” I agreed. “Although I’m greatly drawn to you physically, I’m just as drawn to you mentally and that’s what makes you truly sexy. I respect and admire all your views, and I love the way you handle yourself every day. The way you put your heart and soul into your kids, and showing me how much you love me. Not that I think I’m anything special, I’m humbled on a daily basis, but I wouldn’t share my bed with just anyone…let alone give them their own side. But what can I say…you’re an extraordinary woman.”
“Wow thank you for that!” she said as her smile lit up my room in genuine appreciation. “You’re smart, handsome and you have a kind heart…combined with a great body and nice arms.” she said as she kissed my chest. “I respect you too. I find that combination very sexy.”
Out of all the compliments she gave me, “kind heart” was the one that meant the most because I knew why she gave me that compliment.
“Coming from anyone else, it wouldn’t mean anything…but coming from you, it means everything.” I said. “If we had a whole night together right now. I don’t know how I’d ever fall asleep.”
“No doubt in my mind if we had a whole night, we could go all night.” she said as her eyes touched my body and then returned to my eyes again. “You so turn me on.”
“I’m not used to someone making me feel so special. You do the same for me.” I said. “You wanna know how special you are to me?”
“How special am I?” she asked with anticipation in her eyes.
“You’re so special, I stopped sleeping on that side of the bed after you told me that’s the side of the bed you usually sleep on.” I said. “It’s sacred ground to me now.”
“Well, you are special.” she stated through a smile. “And I’m glad you’d share your bed with me and let me have my side!”
“I don’t want to share this bed with anyone else.” I said as I kissed her. “After all we’ve shared. There’s no way I could.”
Her lips once again fell into mine as I took her in my arms and brought her upon my body, then slowly rolled her off and against my skin, until she was positioned below me. With every emotion we passionately kissed each other, away from all the frustrations and distractions we transported ourselves through a portal we found through every kiss and touch, that only led to the real us; the known variable.
When the time came for her to leave, I pulled her back with my left arm with every attempt she made to get off my bed, like I usually did in a attempt to delay the heartache. And each time I pulled her back to me, a bigger smile appeared. With each smile, my heart broke as it made me want to see it every day. As I walked her out, I dreaded the moment when she would disappear from my sight, and when her car left the parking lot to return home, my heart returned back into the pit of my stomach. And all I could do was wait for my heart to ache, like after a fun night of drinking, for the hangover to hit me hard. Her visit was her thirty seventh to my place, yet I still felt the same pang each time she left, as it only strengthened the undeniable belief that I could never feel this strongly about anyone again.
When I returned to work that day, I tried desperately to rise from the fog I found myself in after her visit. I couldn’t get my mind off of her beauty and when she texted me I thanked the universe for the chance to breathe as I felt more vulnerable emotionally than ever before.
ANYA: “R u back at work? Thx for taking the time! I soooo miss u! It’s crazy how we just mesh so well. I love you!”
ME: “I’m back at work now. Thanks for stopping by. I miss you beyond missing. We mesh so well I think we’ve become one person. I love you too!”
The hardest part for me was to know, without a doubt we were made for each other, yet she did not know if she had the courage to truly show we were. On thirty seven different occasions we were together, but all carried the same result as we only further proved we belonged together Each time and every time, more beautiful than the next. We survived through many things that would’ve ripped other lovers apart, for it was easy for a relationship of this nature, dependent upon text messaging, to fail because of miscommunication and misinterpretations. When Anya broke things off, she not only ended up in my arms again each time she did, but with more love and gratefulness in her eyes than ever before. We were never done, even when we believed we were. We shared ten relationships worth of happiness and sorrow for us to not ever be together and visits, like the one on this day, only produced more hope that the next “here” text I received would not only be her last, but carry forever with it.
I dreamt like never before the day she showed up with intention at the gate of my apartment complex to never leave and with truth in her heart. A day I could breathe a sigh of relief and be blessed with the opportunity to show her what love was truly all about. Without a doubt I could take good care of her heart, and I trusted she would do the same with mine, and with every hour that passed, I knew no other dream as Anya’s love for me consumed my every thought.
After I returned home from the office, a day I struggled to get anything done, Anya messaged me as we seemed to be connected to the same wire.
ANYA: “Can’t stop thinking about today.”
ME: “It’s impossible for me to stop thinking about today. It was nice to feel pure happiness again.”
ANYA: “I know. I felt happy the whole time! It just blows my mind how perfect we are together!”
ME: “All I feel now, is what I felt the first night I met you. I’m not surprised. I truly believe we were made for each other.”
ANYA: “Maybe it was love at first sight! We just didn’t know it!”
ME: “I believe that! It was a special night for me, and I knew it. I had romantic feelings the first night I met you!”
ANYA: “It was for me too! Romantic feelings? Really? The first night?”
ME: “Yes! Taking you out to a romantic dinner, going to the movies, hanging out at the beach. Even making love to you! I was smitten the first night, babe. Especially when you told me why you thought your boyfriend broke up with you. I wanted to show you he made a mistake.”
ANYA: “Wow! I didn’t know that!”
ME: “Babe, I thought about you the entire night when I got home. I slept very little because I felt so much adrenaline. I was shocked when you called me, and you may not believe it but I was really happy u did.”
ANYA: “But u ignored me. I guess I can understand. My situation.”
ME: “That’s all it was. It was because you’re married. It had nothing to do with how I felt about you. I had no plans to fall in love with you after you told me that.”
ANYA: “I understand. Don’t blame you at all.”
ME: “I could have handled it better so you didn’t take it so personally. I was drawn to you from night one.”
ANYA: “That’s ok. It’s not like u have a lot of experience in handling situations like mine!”
ME: “I have zero experience! I was frustrated too b/c I wanted to date you but couldn’t, so it didn’t come out right.”
ANYA: “I understand babe. Don’t give it another thought. I better say goodnight sweets. I love you forever Landyn.”
It always astonished me how “upset” she was when I walked away because how could she even think for a second it had nothing to do with her “situation”? We talked about nothing but “love” for two hours the very first night we met. Maybe she was used to men who played games? Who talked a big game but didn’t put their money where their mouth was? How could she associate me with the same group of men? Did she believe I made all of that “love” stuff up because we met at a bar? I’ve never played a single game with another woman. I always meant what I said and said what I meant. Yes, you met me at a bar, but I was there to escape the loneliness I felt, not to bullshit women that talked to me. Even in the face of her indecision, after over a year together, she still believed it wasn’t her situation that scared me off? This is another reason why I didn’t care for Jackson; his infidelities brought Anya’s self-esteem so low, she couldn’t even see the greatest barrier between her and another man’s love was her marriage to the wrong man.
I had to admit after such a beautiful day together, I found myself again at the crossroads, with only one road in my mind. A road I willed myself through despite an intolerable mental anguish. I didn’t want just one night together; I wanted many nights. I not only wanted many nights, but many mornings and days too. A single night just wasn’t going to work anymore, and if I couldn’t have forever with her, then what did I really have? If I continued to remain in this same boat with her, one that waded in the ocean with no real movement, it would never give her an incentive to lead us to shore. We would just float there forever, as we tried to survive the storm that was certain to come. The storms passed us for now, but they increased in size and intensity. If she believed we were perfect together, I had to find out if she truly felt that way.
The next morning, still on a high from the previous day, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: “Hi darlin’!”
A smile sprouted when I read my first “darlin’” text. More than the word itself, it made me happy to see the good vibes of yesterday carried forward; that she didn’t let her now usual morning silence steal the beauty of the prior day away.
As the day progressed, and while on my lunch break, I texted to ask about her day.
ANYA: “Steady busy! Just got a massage so day is going well! U?”
ME: “Day is a busy one as well. I just wanted to let you know you were on my mind. I miss you. How are those massages?”
ANYA: “U’d love it! I swear it’s the best if u get a good therapist! I fell asleep. I miss u too! Still thinking about yesterday!”
I remembered the last massage I nearly had in Las Vegas. When I tried the decadence of the underground massage parlors, but left with no outlet for relief of my sensual arousal at the time. I knew I’d find no comfort with the hands of a male masseuse on me as I wondered what sex Anya’s was, and how she found comfort if it was a female. It was hard enough to imagine Jackson’s hands on her, let alone a male masseuse’s, who had to enjoy it simply because I knew how great her skin felt and how great her body looked. On a day I heard very little from her, after such a great day together, to imagine another man being able to touch her more than the man she loved, began to make my heart ache, but even ridiculously so, it was unavoidable because of how much I felt for her.
The next day was Anya’s ski trip with the girls to Mammoth, and I had bittersweet feelings about it. I was happy to see her away from Jackson, as it provided me with an opportunity to feel closer to her, but I wondered if there was something I didn’t know about the trip. I couldn’t understand how Jackson, who was so suspicious and watching her “like a hawk”, suddenly had no issues with an “all-girls” Mammoth trip. What did Anya do to salvage his sudden trust? Why was Jackson not up in arms about this trip? How was this trip even possible with the kids in school? The reason we weren’t together? This trip brought inconsistencies about what she told me her home life was like these days, and it made me feel uneasy.
Anya told me she was going to do a lot of reading on the ski trip, so I texted her later that afternoon to see what page she was on as I poked fun at her false “Eclipse” spot a couple of weeks ago.
ME: “On page 173. Eclipse.”
ANYA: “Haha! Actually, I stopped reading cuz they’re calling me “grandma”! It’s going to be a challenge to sneak in some reading.”
ME: “Looks like a good time to build on my cushion! I’m working on burning you a CD. I miss you!”
ANYA: “I’d love it! I miss u so much! R they love songs? From the 80’s?”
ME: “They might be…”
ANYA: “Can’t wait!”
Anya liked to tease me about my music’s decade preference as I gravitated toward “80’s” music more than today’s music, however she did introduce me to new music I found could give “80’s” music a run for its money. I just knew most of the CD would consist of songs by Journey, Air Supply, Boston, Def Leppard and The Scorpions as those groups best elicited the mystery of love within me.
As the night progressed, and the blue sky moon began to shine, I received a text from Anya.
ANYA: “Still in the room. Not going out.”
ME: “Are all of you girls in the same room?”
ANYA: “I’m rooming with my friend, Sam. Carolyn and Debbie have their own room.”
ME: “Oh I see. Well, I’m just leaving the office now. Another 12-hour day in the books.”
ANYA: “Long day for u. Guess u better get used to it! Busy season! We have our alarm set to workout in the morning but we’ll c! Staying at “The Village”. It’s a two bedroom condo.”
Surprise filled my senses when she told me the name of the place she stayed at as I didn’t think she would, but thankful she did. A realistic pessimism then kicked in as I wondered if she would’ve told me if she stayed alone. That the only reason she revealed “The Village” was because she was there with a friend I didn’t know, so she felt safe I wouldn’t make a trip to see her. Skepticism ruled my mind about this trip even as I hid from her how it brought more questions and answers I probably didn’t want to know. The timing of the trip just seemed bizarre because of Jackson’s very recent “hawking” of her, but at the same time, maybe it was just me? Maybe my pessimism was my past coming back to haunt me? Maybe it was bizarre by any human standards to think this way? As my negativity dug itself a home for me to fall in, I also knew she needed this time away from the stress and pressure of home, so in that sense, I tried to not focus on the questions I had about its timing.
At a time I thought for sure I wouldn’t hear from her for the rest of the evening, she messaged me.
ANYA: “Read Rosalie’s story. Sad.”
ME: “I haven’t gotten to Rosalie’s story yet in the book. What made it so sad?”
ANYA: “All she wanted was a nice husband. A husband to come home after work and kiss her out of love.”
Her text broke my heart to read as art imitated life. Just like Rosalie, all Anya wanted was a nice husband to come home after work and to kiss her out of love. And there was no one alive on this planet that wanted that more from her than the man who loved her more than life itself, me. Texts like this was a huge reason for what fueled me to endure all the anguish mentally I did, because I knew what was at stake, and its importance to her. Even more so than Rosalie.
ME: “Such a simple want in life she should have had.”
ANYA: “I know. Not much to ask for.”
ME: “It’s something no woman should have to ask for from their husband.”
Jackson never truly considered what his infidelities did to the mother of his children, but only considered what the mother of his children was doing to their kids by being in a relationship with another man who truly loved her. There was a real reason why Anya revealed that with me she felt “safe”; she didn’t want to be burned again by another man. And not even over my dead body, would I allow her to be hurt by him ever again. The sadness she found in Rosalie’s story, an all too familiar sadness she related to, brought me to the realization I had to “go to the mattresses” for her. I couldn’t let Jackson bend her mind into the twisted belief that being with any man who truly loved, cared, respected and honored her was an act of hurting her children. It became beyond even crystal clear that this was never going to be a physical battle for Anya, but a psychological one on the highest of levels. And I now knew I had to fight twice as hard if I not only planned to win, but had any chance to win as I couldn’t afford to blink for a second. I felt Jackson brainwashed her enough into believing by loving another man, a man who loved her more than himself, was also an act of abandonment that destroyed the lives of her children. I was in her life to be her hero. To call out the false lies that threatened to steal the general happiness that all women and wives deserved. If Jackson knew I was here, well then let’s get acquainted sooner than later because if I was only going to lose her to false perceptions and lies anyway, then I really had nothing to lose.
When Friday morning arrived on the twenty third day of the new year, a year so full of hope and promise, Anya sent me a text to reassure me the pressure and stress of home now eluded her.
ANYA: “Hello! Taking a Bloody Mary break! Nice huh?”
ME: “Good morning! Breakfast of champions! Good for you, babe! I should be off a little earlier today. I miss you!”
ANYA: “That’s good babe! I miss u too! Wish u were here.”
ME: “I wish I was there too, but I think you would draw the ire of the girls because you wouldn’t be doing much skiing!”
ANYA: “Haha! I sooo miss u! I’d stay in all day if u were here!”
Anya’s words inspired me enough to leave for Mammoth after work, but I knew her visual was not realistic because she shared a two bedroom condo with a friend, Sam, who was not “in the know”. Her text did help get me through the work day as I her sentiments made me feel much less uneasy about her trip.
Later that afternoon, Anya sent me a text to let me know how her first day on the slopes went.
ANYA: “We’re done now. Snowing a lot. White out. Can’t see anything.”
ME: “I bet it look pretty though.”
ANYA: “It is babe. I love you forever.”
ME: “I love you forever too.”
“I love you forever”; if it meant anything to her, it meant everything to me. I knew why she said it, and I also knew why she made it ours; she always wanted me to know. To always be aware of the combining power of the words “I”, “love”, “you” and “forever” No matter what happened; it’s how she felt now and always would, but I also feared it could become an excuse to not do the right thing, and to cave in to fear. An excuse to believe Jackson’s lies, false perceptions, and to give way to her fears. And in case she did, she wanted me to know there was one constant within the chaos, like the Universe’s constant destruction and construction, her love for me. In my mind though, without a doubt she knew the reason I was in her life. I made it clear why I left her at one time and she knew why I chose to give her a chance at happiness regardless of her situation. Her “I love you forever” meant everything to me, and it provided a ton of evidence in my fight for her. because how could she stay with someone she didn’t feel that way for? If she stayed at this point, after all we shared, she would have committed herself to love him in some way forever too. I love you forever was my greatest ally and my greatest argument against her staying with Jackson. But without her physically, and only emotionally, it couldn’t mean a thing because without her, I had nothing, and forever had more of a chance at being never.
That evening when I returned home from work, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: “Out to dinner. Missing u.”
ME: “Perfect timing! I was about to call my mom. Are you going to be available later this evening? Can I call you? Missing u too.”
ANYA: “Say hello for me! JK! Well idk cuz we’re at Whiskey Creek for dinner and we might go upstairs for dinner.”
ME: “I’ll tell her you said hello! Haha! Okay, I don’t want to take you away from your dinner. Have fun!”
ANYA: “Wish I could meet your mom. Wish you could meet mine. I’m sure I’d love her and I’m sure u’d love mine cuz we love each other. Any shortcomings would be dismissed.”
ME: “I could tell you right now there would be no shortcomings. I would have nothing but all the love and respect in the world for your mom. She sounds like a wonderful lady. Actually, I think both of our moms are very similar.”
ANYA: “Ohhhhh u don’t know. She’d make u eat all the time!”
ME: “I know your mom only gives food to the ones she loves so I would look at it as an honor!”
ANYA: “I love you babe.”
ME: “I love you so much. People don’t get any more special than you.”
ANYA: “I feel honored u feel so highly of me.”
ME: “You’re nothing less than extraordinary, babe. That’s the truth.”
ANYA: “Awww hun. I’m just an average simple girl wanting and wishing for a simple life.”
ME: “And even though I know you’re well above average, I want you to have all you wish for. I think you deserve it more than anyone. Your hopes, wishes and dreams are mine too.”
ANYA: “Thank u babe. U always make me feel so special.”
ME: “You just don’t know how much your love has resurrected me, so it’s the least I can do.”
With my mother’s battle with cancer on my mind, I became less patient as I wanted the dream of her meeting my mother, and me meeting hers, to come true. And the more we talked of our love, and the more experiences we shared, I knew I couldn’t afford to lose her. To lose her now, would be a great tragedy, and my biggest failure. Although she viewed them as simple wants, they were also simply needs. Her unhappiness wasn’t of the basic garden variety as her joy was unnecessarily and viciously raped from her. She trusted a man with her body and heart to never hurt her, a man every woman should be able to trust them with, the one she married. He even vowed never to do so, until death parted them, yet he did. He shamed and dishonored her so badly, she sought it through others, even without consciousness to do so as it not only scarred, but was embedded so deep within her she didn’t know she still felt it. The pain Jackson levied on her, she only sought relief from, but I knew why she did it even as an immoral society frowned upon her; so she could be a better mother and a better person. To be more like our own mothers as it was that simple for a person who only wanted a simple life.
At a little past midnight, I sent her a “goodnight” text and twenty one minutes later, she returned it.
ANYA: “Goodnight Sweets. I love you.”
Friday and Saturday nights were the worst on my heart and mind, as they reminded me of all the times I used to wait for my phone to ring after Denise left me broken. For months, I held out hope she would realize she made a mistake, but the phone never rang; forever in silence. I knew Anya loved me as just a couple hours earlier, we wished our mothers could meet each other, but I also knew she was out with the girls, at a bar upstairs in the restaurant, and it broke my heart to think she was in the company of men who could see and talk to her freely among her friends. A freedom they didn’t afford me as it unsettled me to think such a scenario could take place.
I felt on this trip, Anya would feel uncomfortable around other men, and refused to be a part of it and leave to text me like she did when she left the dance floor in Palm Springs. Of course, I would’ve eventually pushed her to go back inside to have fun with the girls. And even though I wanted her to enjoy her time, my heart wanted to hear from her too. But what if she only told me “I miss u” and “I love you forever” so I wouldn’t question anything about this trip? What if those word that meant so much to me were only used as a political maneuver to not make me question anything she did? They were all married, so why did they conduct themselves like single people did? I thought she would have dinner and only go up to the bar for a couple of hours, then head back to her condo. But, it was almost one in the morning, and that meant she stayed at the bar area for no less than four hours in the company of other men. Was there something about this trip, like the holiday plans she made, that purposely left me in the dark about? Anya was always “truthful” when I asked, but how did I know what to ask about? How did Jackson allow her to go on this trip when he had major trust issues with her not even two weeks ago? Her late night out puzzled me as I struggled to sleep off my adverse emotions.
The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.
The next morning, she sent me a text.
ANYA: “Good morning!”
Her short “good morning” text, on a Saturday, left me to feel as if she was at home on a weekday as it furthered my anxiety and threatened to bury me under an avalanche of unstable emotions.
ME: “Good morning! How r u?”
ANYA: “I’m good! Getting ready to hit the slopes! How r u? I miss u.”
ME: “I’m good, thanks! Have fun on the slopes! I miss u too.”
ANYA: “Thank you baby! I love you!”
ME: “I love you too!”
I didn’t want her to know how uneasy I felt. She was on a trip to get away from stress and pressure, and the last thing I wanted was to give her any grief, especially if I could get past it. The taunts of “grandma” from her friends showed though how much she cared what others thought of her as she quickly put her book away. It was hard to ignore the symbolism in that as my uneasiness about the ski trip began to take its toll on me. I knew Debbie and Carolyn were influences on her, but how much of a truly positive influence were they? How could they advise her to say knowing she was in a deep relationship with me? After Debbie even admitted that what we had was trust and respect? How could a real friend, like Debbie, let her jeopardize that if she meant it? Or did her friends think Anya’s love for me over the last year was just a phase she was going through? Both Carolyn and Debbie were not only married, but also approached fifty, yet still partied like they were single and in their twenties? That alone should have spoke volumes about their own marriages, and even Carolyn had a relationship with another man of her own to consider. I also believed marriages should be kept as fresh as possible, and I would never be opposed to a girls weekend if I was married to Anya, and it’s what she wanted to do. But it would lead me to question her happiness in our marriage. Why would I ever feel the need to go out to bars with my friends to act like a single man if I was truly happily married? For the girls to go skiing in the day, and to have a nice dinner was one thing, but to get inebriated and to party on the dance floor with single men around was a whole other thing entirely. The skiing trip made sense. A nice group dinner together made sense. The partying after dinner did not. And it just made me sick to think how I laid my heart out there for it to be disgraced in such a way by someone who I trusted with my life.
I received further evidence of my fears about her skiing trip when she texted me later in the day.
ANYA: “I’m going back to the room to maybe read and take a nap. The girls have started drinking again, I can’t keep up.”
ME: “Ok, babe. Don’t feel bad you can’t keep up. Relax and enjoy yourself! Wish I was there to keep you company.”
ANYA: “Me too. Everytime I look out the window I think of u. It’s quite picturesque.”
ME: “Although I know it can’t compete with your beauty, I’m sure it is. I love you.”
ANYA: “Aww I love you too.”
As much as I questioned the reason for this trip, I also felt compassion for Carolyn and Debbie. I knew their stories, but it was hard to know so much, to see how these mothers felt the need to disregard their well beings because they chose to ignore their stressful situations at home. Carolyn had a relationship outside of her marriage, and although that was her business and not mine, it existed for a real reason. I knew Anya’s pain intimately through all she allowed me to feel for her, so I naturally had strong opinions about it as I fought for her happiness, the truth that only we knew, so it was easy to feel compassion for both Carolyn and Debbie too. They were truly wonderful mothers, and all because they found something in other men, only made them bad wives, not bad mothers, if even that. Both of them loved their kids greatly yet found themselves in desperate despair as they tried to tuck their own pain and deep marital woes from them. I’m sure they saw how much I loved Anya and believed that kind of love existed for them. It shocked me that these romantic huge hearted women chose for life partners, men of power and control who lacked feelings of love and empathy. And it disturbed me to think, after all those years I believed in love, the astonishing high divorce rates were actually lower than they should be.
I also held the belief, and Debbie, Carolyn and Anya confirmed this on a daily basis; that love was more important than financial success. If you truly loved someone, and you truly loved life, then that would carry you to success, or at the very least, to your true potential and purpose. Without love, I don’t believe anyone would realize or maximize their true calling. People had to carry love in their hearts to give them enough passion to reach their goals in life. I believed those who denied, or chose to ignore the importance of love, were prone to self-destructive behavior; as evidenced through Anya, Carolyn and Debbie. And the only thing that could save them would be self-awareness, the place Anya now resided in through me.
Later that afternoon, Anya texted me again.
ANYA: “At the gym. My friends r still out drinking! They didn’t stop until 3:30 this morning and started again at 11 am! I guess I’m kicked out of the club now!”
ME: “OMG! Why r they drinking so much? R they giving you a hard time about not keeping up?”
ANYA: “Not so bad. They’re just having fun. I miss u so much.”
ME: “Did you stay with them until 3:30 last night?”
ANYA: “I left them at midnight and walked by myself last night. They banged on the door around 2:30 belligerent and partied till 3:30. Carolyn’s alarm clock went off at 5!”
Anya’s text perplexed me as I remembered my pain from the prior evening. If she left them at midnight, how come she never texted me at all? I even sent her a text at midnight so she knew I was up, yet all I received was a “goodnight” text? For someone who missed me so much, it didn’t make sense. Did Anya tell me she missed me so I wouldn’t feel any grief on her trip, and not because she truly did? It just left me to believe even more that the girls were around guys last night. Did Anya really come back to her condo by herself? What kept them up so late when Carolyn had to be up by five? This all didn’t make sense to me.
ME: “I’m a little disappointed that you never called me or at least texted with me a little last night.”
ANYA: “I’m sorry. The place is that big. The girls can see and hear everything.”
Again, the response from someone who wished I was there, didn’t make any sense to me. Even more so when she just revealed the girls were still at the bar because at midnight, she left them there and decided to walk home. Not to mention, Carolyn and Debbie knew everything about us anyway, so her weak response only left me with more questions in an already unsettled and startled mind. If she missed me so much, what would the girls have heard if she texted me rather than called? What really went on the previous night?
ME: “I don’t know. Something isn’t making sense here. It just makes me wonder.”
ANYA: “Wonder?”
ME: “It makes me wonder if there were guys around.”
After I texted this, my heart and mind filled with dread as it questioned both her honesty and her love for me. If she truly missed me. If she truly wished I was there. If she truly loved me, nothing in this world would have stopped her from contacting me last night. Not her husband. Not some guys she met at the bar. Not her friends. A real love could be stopped by no one.
Ten minutes passed before she responded.
ANYA: “I’m not going to lie to you. Of course, but I was hanging with the girls. I’m not even remotely close to being interested in any other guys. I thought of you only.”
When I revealed it made me wonder, I didn’t believe she flirted with any guys, but when she mentioned she wasn’t “remotely close to be interested in any other guys” and “I thought of you only”, it only begged more questions as her response seemed bizarre. Why did she feel the need to tell me she wasn’t remotely interested in other guys after she all we’ve shared and all she ever told me about her feelings? The last time she was surrounded by men in Palm Springs, she left the party and talked to me outside. How could she be even remotely interested in any other guys when we couldn’t be together because of her kids? She thought of me only? She thought of me so much, she only texted me to say “goodnight”? You fear the girls could see and hear everything yet these are the same girls, who were married not single, who were hanging out with guys all night? The whole scene and “all girls ski trip” made me suddenly nauseous as I began to throw up my lunch. These women are so concerned about the “sacrifices” they’re making for the sake of their children, yet here they partied and flirted with guys as if they were single? How could they be such frauds? And Anya cared about what they thought of her? Criticized her for being a “grandma” while they partied and flirted with guys until three thirty in the morning?
Even though nothing sounded right about this trip to me at all, I had to trust Anya. I loved her, and I couldn’t fathom she would experience a beautiful day with me just a couple of days ago to just go out and flirt with other guys, but I struggled to put my faith in her innocent plea. For her to flirt with any man, after all the sacrifices I made for her over the last fourteen months would have unsettled anyone, but I all I could trust in was that she left the bar at midnight.
Too afraid to respond, I let Anya continue.
ANYA: “The girls get mad or try to take my fone away if I text too much.”
So basically, their message to her was this; “stop texting some guy you love, and flirt with the strangers at the table with us.”? Join our form of immorality? Was she being truly honest with me about this? Why would they take her phone away from her, knowing how much she loved me? How much we hurt when we were apart? Her response was inconsistent with all she ever told me about all they knew. Was their friendship more meaningful to Anya than the love she felt for me? I knew I finished behind her kids, but her friends too? And if I now stood behind them, then who would I finish behind next?
As all these destructive thoughts swirled, I fought not to ruin her trip with them. I had to put my trust in her. I had to believe her. I had to give her the benefit of the doubt. I just didn’t expect to compete with other men since the woman I loved was married. And although I fought for her happiness in life, I had to fight for my own as I had the same struggles as if she were single, which only the pain that much more impossible to overcome. I didn’t want to sour her trip, but I struggled constantly throughout it. I didn’t need to struggle more than what I felt was necessary, but all I could do was let her have fun and trust she respected my heart enough to understand why I struggled with this.
I couldn’t respond with anything positive so I decided to remain silent until I could. Anya sent me a text after she returned from the gym an hour later.
ANYA: “I’m sorry. Was snowing and I was soaked when I got home. I stripped everything off cuz I was cold and just hit the bed.”
I started to learn, as more time passed, there were many things she kept from me when we met. How she held onto things that she felt couldn’t hurt me if I didn’t know, but I deserved to know in the very beginning of our relationship. She knew I didn’t decide to be a part of her life to support her marriage in any way, regardless of the kids, and I definitely didn’t choose to be a part of her life, in the middle of her situation, so she could just go out and party with her friends as if I didn’t exist. As if the feelings she allowed and encouraged me to have for her didn’t mean a damn thing. And I couldn’t believe she didn’t know that this kind of behavior she exhibited was something guys generally did, not women. I wasn’t her husband. I didn’t cheat on her while she carried her son, but the way she made me feel on this trip, I felt as if she punished me for something, I’d never do to anyone.
ANYA: “U still mad at me?”
At a time, I needed Anya to be empathetic, how could she fail to be? I remained loyal to her even as she stayed unloyal to me. So how could she not understand how this could affect me? I spent so many nights alone broken so she wouldn’t be, a choice I could’ve entirely avoided in the beginning, but I trusted her story of pain and sorrow. All she told me about her unfaithful emotionally abusive husband, I trusted. I trusted it so much I gave her the chance to be happy for a lifetime. She asked me to fight for her and here I was, alone at home, albeit broken by love, but the single one, while the married one, who told me she loved me forever, partied with friends as if she were single, to only leave me more broken inside. The fact she was so tired, a woman who barely got any sleep, seemed to suggest she stayed out with her friends, and that she didn’t come home at midnight. Because if she truly did, I found it hard to believe she wouldn’t have called or texted me. This truly marked the first time I questioned her love for me, but I guess if I was in her position, I would have lied too because it was so egregiously wrong. Again, I didn’t want to sabotage her trip with my pessimistic realism as I fought to get past this almost bipolar episode.
ME: “I’m not mad at u. Just disappointed.”
ANYA “I’m sorry for disappointing you.”
I sat on her text because I had to be honest with myself; how many more disappointments would my heart be able to handle? Did I now have to compete against single men too? Did Anya care more about what her friends thought than her best friend? Or was I truly trumped by them too? That she knew them longer than me, like her kids, therefore I had no right to feel she should leave Jackson? She claimed my feelings mattered but at moments like this, when she had another avenue of happiness, it seemed like they never truly did. And if I was to communicate to her how this made me feel, she would only feel compelled to break up with me; not be with me.
I hesitated to share how I truly felt because I had been wrong before, but what if she fabricated things to make it seem I was wrong about them? What if she fabricated the bench story while she was in Spain just so I wouldn’t question her and it would drop my guard? I really wanted to believe she left the girls and walked home at midnight because it would end my pain and worry, but her texts seemed inconsistent with that story. I loved her to death, and I trusted her with my life, but was she being honest with me? Or was this simply an instance when I couldn’t blame her for not being honest with me?
ANYA: “I wish u’d talk to me. I miss u. I felt bad the whole day. The girls are out but I walked home after dinner. I just don’t understand what I’ve done. Goodnight.”
After I read her text, I picked up the phone and called her. When she picked up, and greeted me in a sad tone, my heart began to speak.
“Babe, I’m fine. I haven’t texted because you told me your friends give you a hard time. I’m sorry I made this trip about me. It’s not about me at all.” I said. “Please go back out with your friends…I’m fine. I just got my hopes up last night I would get a chance to talk to you. I miss you, and when I say that, I really do…way more than my words can relay to you. It’s easy to get my hopes up that I’ll hear more from you than usual whenever you’re away from home because I miss you so much. Maybe that’s wrong of me to feel. I don’t know…but it’s impossible not to feel, and I can’t pretend to feel any other way. You have always texted or called when you’re alone, so when you didn’t, my past led me to believe you were around guys because you didn’t need to hear my voice or to hear from me. It was hard enough I couldn’t be with you last night or as often as I would like to…and just thinking other guys could be accepted by your friends made it a lot tougher when I’m the man who loves you. The one you love. It’s just so unfair…it’s hard not to let it break you.”
“You have to know you’re the only man in my heart. I carry you around everywhere I go. I only want to be with you. I only love you.” she said as she choked up. “I just went to bed. Is that so wrong?”
“I really needed to hear that.” I said as I fought back tears of my own. “I do trust in your love, babe and I guess that also leaves me vulnerable to being broken easily. I’ve had a past with women that have been inconsiderate to my feelings, and my self esteem has taken a huge hit because of it. It’s really difficult for me not to resort back to prior experiences to protect myself from the vulnerability I feel. I work hard on it every day but the scar is there. I hope you’re not crying over there.”
“I’m ok.” she reassured. “I’m sorry I didn’t text you. I really did go to bed. All day of skiing and cocktails. I love you…you know.”
“I believe you, babe. I’m sorry you had a bad day and you had to leave your friends. I feel bad about that. Please go back and meet up with them. The last thing I’d want is to take you away from them. We’re good. I’m really sorry. I love you to death, Anya.”
“That’s sweet babe. I’m really touched. I love you to death too.” she said. “Oh look, Carolyn is calling me.”
“Go babe! Have a nice time! Thank you for understanding. I love you.”
“Thank you for understanding too. I love you too.”
Missing Anya as much as I did was no picnic in the park. The longing I felt was beyond real, and nothing like I ever felt before, and at times it felt I waited in a doctor’s office afraid to be told I had six months to live. In the end, love ruled enough to understand her side of my fear, or my likely irrational thoughts. Since I was able to resolve my ill feelings, I planned to just go to bed to take advantage of the good feelings I had. After our talk, I felt bad I questioned Anya’s love for me as her tears told me I was wrong, and I couldn’t afford to be wrong again.
I then decided to turn in, but before I could, my cell phone’s red indicator light began to blink, two minutes into the new day.
ANYA: “Goodnight. I miss u. I love you forever.”
ME: “I miss u and I love you forever too. Goodnight Beautiful.”
Anya came through for me and I appreciated she took the time to do so. If she didn’t truly love me, she could have blown me off, and dealt with me when she returned. She only wanted to be with me; she carried me with her wherever she went. I’m the only man she loved; the only one in her heart. Instead of ending things, something she usually did when I struggled, she showed me her love instead as her words breathed new life into me. Words that kept me from self destruction. If I didn’t react to things though, as much as it would affect her, how would she know I truly loved her? People needed to swallow their pride more often than not to show people how much they meant to them. As much as I tried to be noble with my emotions, I didn’t think it was fair to our relationship if I pretended. I loved Anya immensely, but I was also human, and prone to selfishness and impatience at times. She had a hold on me now, and the things she did mattered. If I didn’t feel a thing for her, I wouldn’t have cared what she did.
After Anya sent me her goodnight text, I decided to call it a night. At about one thirty a.m. though, I suddenly woke up and noticed my cell phone light was blinking again.
ANYA: “U there? I don’t want to get in trouble. JK.”
I then noticed she sent it almost an hour ago.
ME: “Hey! I just woke up and saw your text! I didn’t expect I’d hear from you so I went to bed.”
ANYA: “Sorry I woke u up.”
ME: “You didn’t wake me up. I woke up on my own. My phone is silent. What r u up to at 2 in the morning?”
ANYA: “We’re up talking. Girl drama.”
ME: “Oh! I see! I hope you girls are ok. Well, I don’t want to interfere in your business, babe. I will say goodnight again then.”
After I sent my text, Anya didn’t respond as I hoped I wasn’t responsible for any of the girl drama. She then texted me back forty minutes later, just as the clock struck three.
ANYA: “Finally going to bed. Will tell you later. Debbie got a little dramatic and we had to baby her. What a day. Sorry goodnight.”
ME: “Whatever it is, I’m sure the alcohol had something to do with it. Well, have a goodnight babe. Sorry you had a crazy day. I hope you can get some rest.”
After I sent my final my final salutation, I blasted off into a good night’s sleep as I felt Anya and I maturely settled all that unsettled me earlier. What happened with Debbie and the girls was none of my business so I didn’t ask any questions, and let Anya share what she wanted to.
The next morning, and only a few hours later, Anya responded to my last text.
ANYA: “Good morning handsome! You’re right they all drank way too much! I slept ok. I miss you.”
As I rolled over to text her back, I noticed a strand of her hair on my pillow as it brought with it an instant smile; a spontaneous happiness.
ME: “I just found a strand of your hair on my pillow! It reminded me of how beautiful you looked the other day. Gave me butterflies. I miss u.”
ANYA: “I miss u babe. Just leaving Mammoth.”
ME: “Have a safe trip home. Can’t wait to see you again. I love you forever.”
ANYA: “I know baby. I love you forever. Two more days!”
ME: “Two more days! I hope Debbie is doing better today.”
ANYA: “Debbie felt “left out” and kept saying “the girls don’t care about her feelings”. Blah blah blah. I can’t do whiny.”
Debbie seemed to carry a drink in her hand throughout the trip, and the excess alcohol no undoubtedly contributed to her emotions, but what made her feel “left out” and why did she feel the girls didn’t care about her feelings? Did it have something to do with the guys they hung out with on the trip? Anya couldn’t do whiny? Were Debbie’s feelings generally irrational and unimportant to her and the rest of her “friends”?
I would say this about Debbie; she never flirted with guys. She pretty much wanted nothing to do with them as she made an example out of Mitch when he tried to hit on her. Was it because Debbie refused to take part in the weekend debauchery? How could Anya be so critical of Debbie? This capped off a rather questionable all girls ski trip. An excursion, or escape from married life when women in their forties spent an entire weekend and acted as if they weren’t married at all didn’t make much sense to me. If all mothers made sacrifices for their kids, to be married and still live the single lifestyle didn’t sound like much of a real sacrifice to me. And if they refused to make any such sacrifices, this is the way they wanted to live their lives? Like a member of a college sorority? There had to be something I was missing, but maybe this was how women who married young generally felt? So young in fact, they never experienced the single life in their twenties and that’s why they partied until dawn on this trip? If they truly loved their husbands, and truly made sacrifices for their family, why would they even care to experience something they never did anyway? I hated to be judgmental, but my heart was involved with one of them, and her choice to party with friends instead of being with her best one, affected me. Even though, I found it hard to understand the reason behind her trip, people had their own reasons, some I may not even be aware of, for the choices they made. There were probably things I didn’t not know about Debbie and Carolyn that would help me better understand the reason behind the weekend getaway. My only valid area of genuine wonder existed in how this trip was even possible when Anya had a super suspicious husband at home. He had to know the chance existed that Anya’s lover could meet up with her, so what kept him confident enough to believe she wouldn’t see me on this trip? Why did he suddenly stop watching her like a hawk?
I felt bad about what I put Anya through on her trip. Her heartfelt words softened me as I owed her an explanation.
ME: “Thank you for all the beautiful things you texted me this weekend. You touched me even from far away. Sorry if I came off strange to you, but please understand it was only b/c I wanted to be with you, the one I love. I totally and completely trust in your love. I really have to. That night brought me back to a place I had no right visiting again. My ex, the one who left me for another man, would always call me every Friday and Saturday night when she was out. Then one weekend the phone didn’t ring when I expected it would. I didn’t let it bother me at all. I just thought she was busy, and I trusted her, so nothing bad entered my mind other than I hoped she was safe. I just told myself “oh she’s just out with her friends. Don’t be jealous.” The following Monday morning she sent an email to my work to tell me she met someone new that weekend. I couldn’t believe it, and there were many weekend nights even after she told me she had met another that I’d stay at home, waiting for the phone to ring, hoping against all hope it would…but it never did. It was pure torture. This was the main reason I walked away from you initially. I feared this might happen to me again. The difference between you and her though was simple, she didn’t love me, and you do. I had a hard time accepting that back then, but you proved your love to me this weekend by talking to me on the phone and by sending you heart to me over text. They were all received as sincere and sweet acts of love, and I can’t thank you enough for them. They meant a lot to me, even erased pain I didn’t know was still there from my past. If you ever wondered why I think you’re so beautiful, refer to this text, and to the love you showed me this weekend. I was just so touched by your love. I’m sorry I had a hard time.”
Anya responded like a lover would. At a time I desperately needed her to, she came through for me. She didn’t run, like she did in the past, she upped the ante and made it clear she only loved and wanted to be with me, and it meant everything. If Anya resented Jackson enough to fall in love with me, I sought assurance she resented him enough to leave him as well. And if she only wanted to be with me, I didn’t find it to be too much to ask from her, especially after all we’ve shared.
The next day, on a morning I didn’t expect to hear from her after a weekend away from her kids, I initiated a good morning text and asked her how she was doing.
ANYA: “I’m good! Just trying to get back to reality. Got your texts this morning from last nite. I’m sorry you’re still haunted by your past. It must have been hard. How r u?”
ME: “I’m good babe. How could I not be? I get to see you tomorrow!”
ANYA: “Feeling anxious about spending precious time cooking!”
ME: “I’m feeling the same way! I’d rather spend time cooking in my room!”
ANYA: “Ha! Since risotto is a dish you should eat right away I’d have to make something else to go w/truffle oil. Do you like rice, mushrooms, nuts and cheese?”
ME: “I’ve never had risotto before anyway so I would have to say yes! That sounds delicious babe! Whatever works best for you! I’m sure I would love anything you made for me. I’m really excited for tomorrow! Can’t wait to see you!”
ANYA: “I know baby! I’m sooo excited!”
Not one time did I over exaggerate my excitement to see Anya. For the first time in my life, I felt truly blessed each and every time the opportunity presented itself. I’d have to be in an ICU, linked to tubes, in a coma, for me to not be excited to see her, and even then, I’d be surprised if I didn’t wake up by her mere scent. I truly didn’t know if the rice dish she proposed would be better than risotto, but if she made plain tomato soup spectacular, no doubt her rice dish would be, although I wasn’t certain how the nuts would work their way in.
When the twenty seventh day of the year 2009 arrived, I had no idea I was in store for one of the best days, if not the best day, of my thirty-eight years here.
ANYA: “Good morning! Noon?”
ME: “Good morning! No now! JK! See you at noon!”
ANYA: “!!!”
To see her exclamation points laden text always left me steeped in anticipation, and when she arrived at my place, in white jeans and a light purple blouse, with her perfect black hair laid delicately upon her bare shoulders and a smile that could melt an Antarctic ice shelf, I became disoriented as I could barely breathe by the sight of her. I then grabbed the bags she brought and substituted them with my hand in hers as we walked back to our safe haven. After I closed and locked my apartment door behind me upon our entry, I placed the bags on my empty kitchen counter. She smiled again at me with soulful eyes as our lips met for what seemed like an eternity. Without a word to say, we held each other tightly as we basked in being one again as I brought my head into her neck to take in her scent of pure divinity.
“Are you hungry?” she asked.
“Oh yes.” I said.
“Let’s eat now then so we don’t waste precious time!”
I brought her lips back to mine and told her I agreed as I playfully slapped her on her cute behind. To spend time with Anya at my apartment was to know the hardest part was to hold off our affection for each other once we started as it pained both of us to pull away from each other because we knew how precious the time was, and how if flew by us so fast. Several delicious meals went cold when she visited but as badly as I wanted to feel her bare body against mine, she went out of her way to prepare for me a very special dish so I tried to talk my libido down as Anya prepared our lunch.
“I’ve already made everything, all I have to do is heat it up.” she said.
Another thing I loved about Anya is that she knew where things were in my kitchen. I never told her where things were, she just knew me, so she knew where to go for bowls, plates, cups silverware and napkins. As I watched her prepare our dishes, and I tried to help out but could tell she had it all under control, I couldn’t help but want to see her at my place every single day.
“What do you want to drink, babe? I have pretty much everything.”
“Do you mind if I had a glass of wine?” she asked.
“Do you mind if I join you?” I asked.
“You have to go back to work. Don’t you babe?”
“One glass of wine isn’t going to kill me, I’ll be fine Sweetheart.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.” I said as I grabbed a new bottle of an old favorite of ours and grabbed some wine glasses for us. “What are you putting on the rice?”
“Just a little shredded parmesan cheese.” she said as her lips found mine. “After it’s heated, I’ll add the white truffle oil.”
“I think my stomach just growled even more.”
As I poured the wine and watched Anya work magic in the kitchen, I felt more love for her than I could’ve ever felt in my bedroom, as she gave me a glimpse of what living with her would be like. What I witnessed was something I simply wanted to come home to every night as she poured her heart and soul into what she prepared. We even made a good team in the kitchen as she handled the food and I handled the drinks. It brought back memories of comfort when I lived at home with my parents as she brought immense life to my dull one bedroom apartment. As I watched this beautiful human being do a thing that made her so, I remembered the time we danced in the living room. All the times we kissed in the kitchen. The time I wiped away her tears when she came over to try and break up with me, only because she loved me. All the walks we made to my bedroom as we anticipated heaven. Every single space in my apartment breathed and carried memories of Anya’s love for me, as she created another space of love in my home. As the afternoon sun shone brightly through the blinds, it symbolized the light of our future together. At a time I didn’t believe I could ever possibly feel more for someone, I did as Anya’s beauty shone brighter than the sun through my blinds.
Anya brought me my plate and sat down on the stool next to mine. She then brought generously poured wine glass to mine and tapped it lightly.
“To us.” she said.
“To us.” I said. “Thank you.”
“It’s my pleasure. I hope you like it.”
“Hey, where are the nuts?” I joked. “You promised me nuts too!”
“They’re in there, babe.” she said through a laugh “They’re thinly sliced almonds. It gives the dish a little more flavor.”
“Maybe I should just eat and shut my trap huh?”
“It’s something to consider.” she said with another vintage smile.
After a hearty laugh as happiness swelled inside me just by her mere presence, I brought my fork to dish and then to mouth, and what I tasted not only blew me away, but I knew I’d have to learn the recipe.
“This is unbelievable, babe.” I said. “I thought you tomato soup was out of this world. I think you topped yourself here.”
“You like it?”
“I love it! I think I could eat this every day for the rest of my life. It’s that good!”
“I’m so happy!” she said with genuine surprise as if no one complimented her cooking before.
“How did you make this? What’s all that goes into it?”
“It’s just long grain rice, babe.”
“Brown rice?”
“No, it only looks that way. The mushrooms make it turn from white to brown when you mix it with olive oil.”
“You don’t cook the rice in a cooker at all?”
“No, I do, but then I transfer it to a pan on the stove and mix in the almonds and mushrooms.”
“And that’s it?”
“Well, after I take it out of the pan, I top it off with shredded Parmesan cheese and then microwave it until the cheese melts and then I add a little white truffle oil.” she further explained. “Can you taste the white truffle oil?”
“I can, it’s slight but I can taste it.” I said. “This is phenomenal, babe. I really can’t thank you enough for it. Just the thoughtfulness alone you put into it.”
“You’re most welcome!” she said happily. “I can give you a list of the things you need if you wanted to make it for yourself at home.”
“I would love that! Thank you!” I said. “I love you!”
“Ha! I love you too!” she said as her lips met mine.
While we sat together for the next half hour, and shared a dish her heart created, I wished the day would never end because I just experienced one of the greatest moments of my life. I then came to realize at that moment that pretty much all of the greatest moments of my life were spent with Anya, and my heart began to ache when I thought this moment would eventually suffer the same fate all the others did. After we finished our lunch, she then reached into her purse and pulled out a card.
“I know we’re a week early, but Happy Birthday my love.”
“Oh Sweetheart, the lunch was more than enough.” I said at her extended thoughtfulness. “You didn’t have to. Having you next to me is the greatest birthday gift already.”
“I wanted to babe.” she said with genuine eyes. “It’s a really special day. It’s your birthday!”
I smiled then opened the card as I almost openly wept because of a mixture of both happiness and sadness as I lived my entire life with none who cared about my existence, let alone the day I came into it. When I opened the card, I couldn’t help but smile even broader.
“I finally have my bookmark.” I said as my eyes turned to hers
“I’ve been promising you forever!”
“You laminated it?” I asked.
“Of course, babe!” she replied through a laugh.
“I love that it’s pink because this is totally you!” I stated, our lips meeting once again. “It’s not as beautiful as you are, but it’s truly beautiful, babe. Thank you.”
This was no ordinary bookmark. This was a book mark she designed from her heart, one she put her soul into so when we read books, I knew she was truly with me when I closed it and came back again. Every gesture she made to me was always like her; simple yet beautiful.
I then read my birthday card and nearly bawled. To see her love in her writing touched me like nothing before as text messages often relayed sentiments that were harder to convey. Her gifts only culminated a perfect lunch with the most perfect person as I realized the need, more than ever, to change this imperfect situation. We were surrounded by a perfect love we built from nothing, and as I sat next to her, I believed we built the foundation for a perfect relationship. Our problems only existed because of an imperfect situation, but I knew without a doubt if it changed, our foundation would only allow us to build the greatest of monuments so others would see why love, not wealth, ruled the world.
Love was the only excuse she needed to leave her destructive marriage, one that wreaked havoc on the lives of others, for no good reason other than to keep up appearances. This moment together, a show of love I’ve never felt from another human being and would only reciprocate, was one of the many things I had to fight for her to have; for both of us to have. I just could never understand for the life of me, how this simple yet perfect love could ever ruin lives. It would only allow Anya to be there for her kids because we both knew where we wanted to be, and we knew at the end of the day, we would be there for each other, unlike Flora who seemed to fall into the same trap that got her divorced in the first place. As I sat her with Anya, and ate a lunch she made from the most sacred place possible, from her heart, I could no longer be convinced a divorce would hurt her children, not if she went through all this trouble for just such simple moment that made her this happy.
After we finished lunch, we moved to our bedroom, to feel closer to each other to further seize a perfect moment. And when the time came for her to leave our paradise, I pulled her back several times with my sneaky left arm as she rolled back happily to me each time. Anya would lose track of time, and I feared she might be late to pick up her kids, so I had to really fight myself to be strong enough to let her go. In my career, I’ve had to solve some really tough problems, but letting Anya leave my arms on this day was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
When her hand left mine once we reached my gate, I tortured myself and watched her drive away. All I could do was stand there alone with my thoughts five minutes after she did as I hoped she might come back for one last kiss even as I knew it would never happen. I usually stood outside my gate and waved back at her to make sure she drove away safely, but this time it hurt more than usual, and to no fault of her own. We shared the most perfect time two human beings could ever imagine, solely designed for us by the universe, and it took me by total surprise because when I woke up this morning, I had no idea it would be the happiest day of my life.
An hour later after she left, I decided to stay home and work remotely from home. Although my intentions were good, I didn’t realize the thickness of the heavenly cloud would not allow me to focus enough on work even away from the office. I then composed a text to thank her for another beautiful day in my life because of the love she gave me.
ANYA: “Sorry was driving. Ur so welcome baby! It was really nothing! I’m glad u like the truffle rice! I would love to make u dishes more often if I could!”
ME: “I really appreciated it babe. I love my bookmark and my card too! I can’t wait for dinner tonight so I can taste it again! Do you want the Tupperware back?”
ANYA: “The Tupperware is yours, babe. Sorry it took so long to get the bookmark to you. Thank u for taking time out of ur work day again. I love you forever!”
ME: “Thanks again for all the heartfelt gifts babe! You coming to visit me was a gift all by itself. I love you forever!”
As the day carried on and then turned into night, the dreariness of my now lonely reality left me emotional as I found it hard to believe just hours earlier, my apartment was filled with so much life, love and happiness. In an attempt to turn off the immense sorrow, I texted her to see how she was feeling so maybe I didn’t have to go through this alone.
ANYA: “I’m good! Good feelings about today! Haven’t come down yet!”
ME: “That’s good babe! I had a great time today! Hard to focus on work! I loved having lunch with you. It was a lot of fun. I love you!”
ANYA: “What time r u done? I loved eating with you too! I love you!”
I couldn’t let Anya know I didn’t make it back to the office because she would feel responsible for something, she wasn’t responsible for at all. I could have gone back to the office, and I probably should have, but it was my choice alone not to.
ME: “I have a couple more hours here babe then I’m free to go. Just wanted to let you know I loved our time together today. Thanks for making it such a special day for me.”
ANYA: “It felt as if we were together and it was an everyday thing. So natural.”
ME: “I couldn’t describe it any better. It felt just like an everyday thing for us.”
The greatest of days it was. The gifts were phenomenally heartfelt and the food was beyond superb; all things she put together with this beautiful heart of hers. Anya’s love, a love I felt so awful to even question, made it the most precious of days for me in my life and the most memorable as I never felt more loved by another human being; by far and away the sweetest thing anyone ever did for me.
The beauty of the day also led me to question, more than ever, why I couldn’t be with the one who loved me this much? How much more did we have to prove to the universe? I didn’t think we asked for anything two people, who were this much in love, wouldn’t already have. This day only proved we were made for each other. That she naturally belonged to me, and I naturally belonged to her. No algorithms or functions need; just elementary arithmetic.
For her to love me in such a beautiful fashion, it made me wonder if she ever loved Jackson with even a tenth of her heart, how could he ever had cheated on her? How could he ever be that cruel to someone who showed him that much love? If there truly was a God, how could he ever reward Jackson with Anya’s heart? The love she showed me on this day helped me to see the cruelty required to cheat on her, and it made me not want Anya to be intimate with him again as I wanted her to give him a real reason to divorce her for the sake of my own heart. If she took sex away from Jackson, I believed he would no longer feel inclined to stay for the kids as his libido kept him married as much as anything did. That staying in his marriage was not this great noble sacrifice he made for his children. If Anya truly wanted to be with me, like the day showed, she had to begin the process to let Jackson know the truth. After the show of love today that left me absolutely mentally shipwrecked, the dishonesty was now way too much for me to handle as her unrestrictive acts of love left me unconvinced that her kids would be ruined by her decision. Of course, they would be hurt only because they didn’t understand, but I felt the gap could be filled by a bridge of love. It might take a little time, but in the end both Katie and Andrew would understand, and thrive in their own marriages because of it. They would know what a normal marriage was, and not have marriages like their parents did. Anya had to see the long term and not just have this short-term focus brought on by unfounded fears and misunderstanding. Anya simply couldn’t love someone this deeply and expect that person to be tolerant of an unchanged situation as she remained married to a man she absolutely despised, let alone still shared a bed with. Anya had to understand no one in their right mind, would fall in love with her this deeply and still support her to stay in her marriage for any reason. Anya had to know this. To know it was wrong of her to allow and encourage someone to feel this much love for her, for nothing. For her to be and remain with someone else. For her to not even make a semblance of a promise to be with me, but only a promise to love me forever. Forever would never be enough if we weren’t together as it became plain common sense that her marriage was now unacceptable. The only reason I gave her any time was because I wanted her to not only get to know me, but to also come into a good situation financially. I never agreed if she loved me this deeply, and allowed me to feel the same, and gave me all the reasons in the world for her to leave, that I would understand and be happy if she stayed for any reason; as if I never felt a thing for her and she never allowed me to. For the most part, I always tried to understand just so to not cause her any grief, but I felt too much now, more than I ever had, because of all the love she gave me. And it became impossible to hide how I felt about her unchanged situation, and how this “sacrifice” she made was now both ridiculous and fraudulent.
Just before bedtime, and after I used my bookmark for the first time, I put together a text to let her know how the love she showed me on this particular day, a love unlike I’ve ever felt before, made me feel.
ME: “I have to tell you about my bookmark situation. I was using the heart you gave me at the movies as my bookmark for “Eclipse”. And for “New Moon”, I used the envelope you sent me Katie’s recital tickets in. Yep, I keep everything you give me. I now use the bookmark you gave me today for “Eclipse”. I know you think what you did for me today was “nothing” or no trouble at all, but I know better than that. The thought, the time and the effort required while putting your heart and soul into the gifts you gave me today, considering all that u do and how busy you are was just so touching. I knew it would hit me hard. You could have just shown up at my door and that would have been the best gift I could have ever asked for and hoped to receive. Today was the best day of my life simply because you made it the happiest day of my life by giving me your heart, and I love you more than I did when I woke up this morning, something I didn’t think was even possible. I mean that sincerely. Thank you again, babe, for the best day of my life. Have a goodnight. I love you forever.”
After I sent this text off into an electronic ocean, like a message in a bottle, I didn’t expect a response from her until the next morning, but I was wrong.
ANYA: “It was done out of love. I hope ur ok.”
ME: “I’m ok. I just wanted you to know how much the day meant to me.”
ANYA: “It was the best!”
ME: “It sure was babe!”
ANYA: “I better say goodnight. I’m fading. I love you forever.”
After I absorbed Anya’s last text with my heart more than my eyes, I had to face a cruel reality...I couldn’t be as noble about this as I hoped to be anymore. After all the love she showed me today, I was okay, but at the same time, I was not. After all she put into my birthday, I could no longer understand my role as a distraction in her life around her children. I simply had to know the real reason she remained undecided. I had to know why she loved another man yet still shared a bed with the other who did nothing but dishonor and disrespect her heart. I had to know the truth why she remained stubborn to listen to her own heart, as I could no longer believe she stayed solely for the kids.
As her love spoke beyond words on this day, the day of my birth thirty-eight years ago, I felt the time arrived to make my push for at least a promise from her. To either have the love of my life, or to learn the hardest truth I ever had to face about her love, and love in general.