“A good heart is better than all the heads in the world.”
~ Robert Bulwer-Lytton
As I drove to meet my destiny, I realized everything was on the line tonight. Everything I sacrificed over the last eleven months, all the focus on my career and work I seemed to lose, all the night I spent alone writing and worrying about the unknown all came down to this. There was a part of me that feared she might refuse to answer the door as she chose a hotel room over my apartment if she truly left Jackson and wanted to see or be with me? Did she want to just be alone and away from me, just as much as him, so she could clear her head? Did Jackson still have a chance because he held an emotional edge over me due to their children? At the same time, I couldn’t fathom what there was left to salvage in her marriage or to believe in. She chose to stay in the same hotel room we stayed together in almost six months ago. She also chose to bring the book I implored her to read. She cried all day because she only had those things, and not me. Her text told me “I love you forever”, more than any text she sent me with those same words ever could. For eleven months, I waited for this moment and here it was. A chance to see if I could get a promise from her. Just a promise for now. Something so I could focus on work again. Something to inspire me to get through the day. Something I could grasp so I didn’t feel the need to pressure her. Whether she kept it or not, at least she loved me enough to make it. This wasn’t about loving her kids. This was about loving herself, enough to know she mattered too, and she loved them enough to know an honest life wouldn’t allow her to lie to them nor place the burden of her unhappiness upon them anymore. As long as she stayed in her loveless, respectless, dishonest marriage, then the security of her kid’s environment would always be threatened.
When I arrived at the hotel’s entrance, I sent her a text to let her know I was downstairs as I kept an eye out for Jackson’s probable arrival. I even prepared myself to stay down there all night if I had to, until I heard from her, as I feared she may have fallen asleep from the emotional exhaustion. However, I received a response from her in less than two minutes.
7:10 p.m.
“Meet me at Sprinkles bar. I’ll be down in 5 minutes.”
It seemed she wasn’t excited to see me or maybe she was just worried Jackson could show and she didn’t want any confrontation, a conversation with him I was not opposed to having. I had a lot I wanted to say to him I had built up over the last eleven months, as a part of me wanted to bring him back down to earth. At the same time though, I knew the timing was not right as I felt I had to secure the promotion first, so if I did confront him, he would definitely know it was Landyn Landman, and not Landyn Lastman, who his wife loved.
I decided to sit in a booth at the hotel bar, Sprinkles, before she came down. This particular hotel bar had a fire place and a large panoramic window that showcased the beach the hotel rested on along with a moon that shone brightly on the lively water. As I waited for Anya, I watched the night surf and the waves as I couldn’t think of a more romantic place to be considering the precariousness of the situation before us. I wanted to give her the space she needed, but she cried all day. I couldn’t stay at home knowing that as I felt she needed me more than ever; only further evidence that with or without me in her life, she’d still be distracted.
When she appeared at the bar’s entrance, like it did many times whenever I saw her, my heart seemed to fall out of rhythm. I thought this could go either way, but when she saw me and a smile broke upon her face, I knew I did the right thing. She then collapsed in my arms and although no one was in the bar, if the place was packed she would’ve done the same thing. I wanted to hold her as long as possible because I could see in her eyes the hard day she had.
“Hi babe.” she said as she saw me. “I think you should know, my husband could show up here at any time tonight.”
“That’s okay, Sweetheart. I came here knowing that.” I said. “I accept the consequences of all my actions. I didn’t get involved without considering that possibility was likely one day, but I needed to be here for you, and that outweighs me caring if he walks through that door. I love you forever.”
“I love you forever.” she said as her eyes looked upon me with all the trust and wonder in the world. “Can we have a glass of wine, babe?”
“Anything you want.” I said as she moved into me and grabbed my hand.
When we reached the bar, and met the bartender to order, she leaned over it and smiled broadly in my direction as her wavy dark hair hung delicately in front of her. I couldn’t help but laugh as she suddenly became lively and giddy, indifferent to what could happen.
“I’m so mad.” she said.
“Why babe?”
“I forgot my brush. I left it at home.”
“I don’t think you need it.” I said as I ran my hand through her hair and felt the side of her face gently. “Your hair looks beautiful tonight, babe.”
Her eyes perked up as they seemed to be less tired as she laughed at my acceptance of her apparent natural hair style. After we each received our glass of cabernet, we sat inside a booth with the panoramic window before us, the same one I initially sat down in as our glasses then met and we each took a sip with our eyes on each other. She then moved closer to me and put her legs up on my lap. The first time she had ever done so, let alone in a public place, and I held her close to me still worried about the tears that fell all day, and all that drove her here.
“Isn’t this the coolest bar?” she said.
“I love Sprinkles.” I said lost in her eyes.
“Look babe, you can see the waves.”
“I didn’t come here to see the waves.” I told her as I continued to get lost in her and began to rub her leg gently. “I love you.”
“I love you.” she said as her lips met mine.
We kissed for about ten seconds before we returned to the reason we both were here together. I wanted to ask her if she left Jackson, but I didn’t want to push the issue. If she did, I was certain she would tell me, but one thing I knew for sure without even asking; this was one step closer to her choosing the truth over a lie.
“Katie and I got into a huge fight on Saturday night.” she revealed.
“I’m sorry.” I said as I began to gently run her back. “I could tell something was wrong yesterday.”
“You could tell?”
“I didn’t know what it was, but yeah I could tell something wasn’t right.” I said. “You didn’t seem like yourself.”
“It was a hard evening.” she stated. “It didn’t help much when my husband was hounding me all day too.”
“What do you mean? What was he doing?”
“He watched me constantly. Kept asking questions about you. He asked me if my friends knew you.” she said. “I told him, “you act like you know him or something. You don’t know him at all. I need my space”.”
“I see.” I said. “Do you think he’ll divorce you?”
“He won’t if he thinks we’re just having an affair.” she said. “But if he knows I love you, then he probably would.”
An unannounced visit from Jackson was a real possibility as I prepared for the event internally. He didn’t trust her so why continue to hold on? Wasn’t trust the foundation of any relationship, business of otherwise, especially a marriage? He only held on to make Anya look bad. To get his revenge on her for being with another man. Well, she wasn’t just with another man, but rather in love with another man. I mean, why wait Jackson? Why don’t you just do it now? Or would that defeat the purpose now because she might be happy in life, and we couldn’t have that could we? So, let’s bring her to the point where she looks terrible in front of her children. She doesn’t love you, Jackson. She loves another. You had our chance for fifteen years. Why not allow her to have happiness?
When she told me Jackson hounded her all day, and Katie and her had an argument, I felt awful for all the negative thoughts I had over the last two days. If I couldn’t imagine what she went through at home on a daily basis, I had a real good picture of it now. Just when I thought I couldn’t be more disgusted by her husband, she hit me with other things I didn’t know.
“If we ever got married, would you ever shove cake in my face?” she asked out of the blue.
“No.” I said.
“Why not?”
“Because I wouldn’t want you to shove cake in mine!” I laughed. “I would rather guests at our wedding see something other than a pie in the face act.”
“Thank you.” she said. “My husband did that to me at our wedding and I didn’t like it.”
“I understand how that could make you feel.” I said as I considered it was a sign of things to come by the way he treated his marriage as a big joke with his infidelities.
“Did I ever tell you I had a breast augmentation done?” she revealed.
“You did? How long ago?”
“About seven years ago.”
“Was it about the same time he was running around on you?”
“Yes.”
When Anya told me this story, I could see how his mental abuse of her carried itself over to her physical self as she felt unattractive by something I was certain she should’ve never felt unattractive about as she strived to be one of the women he went after so he would choose to be loyal to her, all based on the superficial.
“If I were your husband, and you considered having that procedure done, I wouldn’t have allowed you to.” I said. “I believe a part of you did that because of the way he has made you feel about yourself over the years. That you weren’t good enough for him; that you had to be perfect when you were already perfect.”
“It was my choice.” she said. “but my past experiences with him did lead me to get the augmentation. And when I did get it…he was disappointed.”
“Disappointed? Why?”
“He told me I should have gotten them bigger.” she said. “not to mention he was unsympathetic during my recovery.”
“You’re joking, right?”
“No.” she said as her eyes seemed to be distant and focused on another time. “About six years ago, we went on a cruise together and I wasn’t feeling good to go out one night. I felt too ill to go out with the group. I thought he would stay with me, but he didn’t and left me to hang out with his friends.”
All I could do was look at her and hold her hand, as she tightened her hold on mine with each thing she shared. I didn’t know what to say as I wished more and more with each story she told me that Jackson would walk in to see us there.
“He always makes sure I look good when we go out to client dinners and events.” she said. “Not that I would ever attend one looking bad, but it’s an obsession with him.”
I then looked at her and asked her for a favor as the “trophy wife” aspect I long suspected appeared to be true.
"He even told me one time he would trade me in for two twenty year olds when I turned forty." She further elaborated.
“Anya, I need to ask you for a favor.” I said.
“Sure babe.”
“It’s not that I don’t care, but please don’t tell me anymore.” I said. “I’m already disgusted by all the things he has put you through. I already dislike him enough as your husband, and I don’t want to dislike him as a human being too. I just don’t want to pressure you to leave more than I already have because when you tell me these things, it makes me not understand why you’re still there.”
Anya opened up to me in a way that validated all I fought for. Why I pressured her at times. As her best friend and lover, I could not allow her to stay with this man. The mental and emotional abuse of her was even worse than I thought, and it confused me even more why she stayed. All for the love of her kids who had no clue what their father had done to their mother. She opened up to me like never before, as I never felt closer to her than this moment. My heart broke for her, as if I was the one emotionally and mentally abused, I just felt that much. I felt she had an obligation as a parent to teach her kids, this is not how you treat a woman, let alone one you made your wife. People divorced for a lot less than Anya stayed for as I couldn’t believe he had done even worse things to her on top of the infidelities. As she told me these stories, with all the love and trust in the world in her eyes, I reasoned it was doubtful I ever could ever feel more for another human being on this planet. I wanted to make things right for her. I wanted to show her she was always deserving of love. That she deserved to be honored and cherished even beyond the grave. Her love for her children, in the midst of such great emotional and mental anguish, was beyond any mother could possibly love her children, as it upset me people on the outside looking in would be critical of her. My only criticism of Anya was now she had someone who would be there for her, who would make sure she would be loved the way she deserved, and she still felt stuck. I knew though if I pressured her, she would remain that way, as I felt if I played it cool, trusted in all she told me, she would detach herself from the true tragedy; her loveless marriage.
She then looked at me and nodded after my request.
“I told him I need my space.” she said.
“You know babe, they say one of the sure signs that someone is cheating is they will ask for space.” I warned. “This might make him even more crazy.”
“Well, then you know I’m not cheating on you.” she said as her eyes met mine. “because I never want my space from you.”
“I never want my space from you either.” I said as I leaned in to kiss her.
She then rubbed her finger along the side of my hand and I got lost in the moment and that began to unleash all I felt inside about what she told me.
“I hate to say this, and I don’t say this in the sense of him being a father to Katie and Andrew.” I said. “So please don’t think what I’m going to say out of context.”
“Okay, babe.”
“I want to hear more but I don’t want to dislike him anymore than I already do, not because I don’t want to hear it because I know it helps you, but I really, really, really dislike the man.”
“He’s not a bad person…”
“No Anya. Stop it.” I said. “He may not be a bad person, but he’s not a good person either. The days of you making excuses for his behavior are over, babe. I don’t want you to do that ever again.”
“Yes, love.” she said. “I think about how Lance and I even got together. You are so perfect for me and you’ve only made me see how he wasn’t perfect for me at all.”
“You’re the greatest thing on this earth to me.”
“Would you come up to my room? I know you can’t spend the night because you work tomorrow, but I would love to hang with you upstairs for a little bit.”
“Is this a trick question?”
As she put her head into my chest and we finished off our glass of wine, we soon found ourselves in an empty elevator as it made its way up to our destiny. As we rode the elevator, we began to devour each other as we tore our clothes off of each other before we even made it inside her room. Once inside, with a closeness like no other I had felt before, we fell onto her bed caught in unbridled passion. The entire day I found myself lost in sadness and total darkness, not on the opposite spectrum of extremes, it all felt like a dream as I could hear the waves pound the shore below is, reunited for a night in Laguna Beach once again. I felt scared but less afraid than I usually did about making love to her as we both couldn’t help not to as I didn’t prepare for the evening to go in this direction. The look in her eyes when I entered her, and the soft “I love you” she whispered through moans while inside of her, made me lose myself as I couldn’t extricate myself from the unreasonable. that would be even worse if she were pregnant. The passion denied me of reason though as I came and barely pulled away in time to save us. After we made love she fell asleep in my arms as her eyes screamed exhaustion. We both fell asleep for a couple of hours before she awoke me at midnight.
“Babe…you got to get home. You work tomorrow.”
“I’ll be okay babe. I don’t sleep much anyway.”
“Landyn, I don’t want to be the reason you miss work or you’re tired all day.” she said as she kissed me. “I’m okay now.”
“Are you sure?” I asked. “I want to make sure no more tears fall down your beautiful face. I’ll be up all night anyway if I left and knew you were crying. I still feel bad about the night my phone died on you.”
“I’m fine, babe.” she said. “I’m not going to cry anymore. I’m happy again.”
“Are you sure?” I said as I kissed her again and massaged her scalp.
“I promise.” she said.
I then extended my pinky out to her like we used to when we planned to avoid any negativity when she visited, and when she met mine and laughed, I knew she would be.
Even though I was hesitant to leave, and I really wouldn’t have, I felt maybe she wanted to call home and let her kids know she was okay, so I didn’t push the issue. As badly as I wanted to talk with Jackson, as I remembered the last time we were in Laguna Beach together I found myself on the balcony ledge, I also wanted to postpone any conversation until after my promotion in June so even though I hated to leave her, I felt maybe it was the best thing to do.
About forty-five minutes later after I returned home, she sent me a text.
1:47 a.m.
“Thank u! Goodnight. I love you forever.”
After I received her text, I was still unable to fall asleep as the adrenaline I felt from the evening ran through me as I figured on this night, she figured it out. That she could no longer deny she needed me in her life. That I was indeed, perfect for her. That we were both perfect for each other. That she knew whenever she needed me, I would be there for her even if she didn’t ask me to. That even if we went on a cruise together and she was sick, she knew I’d stay with her instead of my friends. She blossomed for me like never before as it left me with the feeling she would promise to be with me one day, all I needed to get my life back on track so I felt the security I needed to not pressure her in any way. After all she shared with me, I felt we would be together soon.
That night I had a strange dream. I was walking on a street and all of a sudden, a hawk appeared and landed on my left arm. I looked at the hawk but its face was looking in the direction of the horizon. Then, on my right hand, a chameleon appeared. I then watched for the hawk to notice as I feared it would attack it, but it never looked in its direction as it kept its focus on the horizon. I then came upon a tree and brought my hand up to a branch so the chameleon could climb off my arm, but he never really did as I moved him onto the branch myself. I then continued to walk forward on the road, but this time when I looked at the hawk it looked right back at me as its eyes never left mine. Out of fear it would soon attack me, I woke up and stared into the early morning darkness of my room as I wondered what the dream could have possibly meant. A hawk and a chameleon? I chose to keep the hawk? Why? Before I could figure it out, and while I contemplated going to work on this day as all I wanted to do was daydream about the unreal event that took place just five hours earlier, I received a text from Anya.
6:33 a.m.
“Good morning! On page 120! Hard to believe last night actually happened! Hope u got some sleep. Thank u for coming down. I guess I needed you and I didn’t know it.”
ME: “Wow! You’re almost done with the book! I’m lying in bed right now still thinking about it. It all felt like a dream. I’m contemplating not going in to work today. I’m taking Friday off anyway.”
ANYA: “If u call in I’d feel partly responsible. Didn’t know u were taking Friday off. Last night was perfect. Thank you for being there for me. Leaving soon.”
ME: “It wouldn’t be your fault at all. You didn’t ask me to come see you. I chose to. Seems like they designed Sprinkles with us in mind. Thank you for opening up to me and I’m sorry you had such a hard day on Sunday. Just remember you’re my best friend. You mean a lot to me and I don’t want to see you hurting or struggling so please talk to me when you feel the need to. I want to be there for you.”
ANYA: “You’re my hero.”
When she said she didn’t know she needed me, it brought me back to when I asked her to listen to herself, because if she did, and not only consider outside forces, she would figure things out. What more evidence did she need to know her marriage was over? Even as a biased party, if she were just a friend and I had nothing to gain, but I knew the truth, I’d advise her to do the same thing. She told me she never left Jackson because she had no one there for her, so I understood fear kept her from leaving him. Fear she would have to rely on herself, so I stepped in to offer her the security and hand she needed, and when she still lacked the courage, how could I not wonder that maybe this wasn’t a lack of courage, but a lack of love? That she only tried to convince herself she was in love with me, but not truly in love with me? I just didn’t understand how her fear could still exist after I gave her all she needed to leave him, but last night provided me with enough evidence of her love as fear never appeared in my presence, even in the great likelihood Jackson could show up. It never stopped her from meeting me down at Sprinkles. It never stopped her from opening up to me like she never had before. It never stopped her from asking me up to her room, and it never stopped her from making love to me with the greatest amount of trust she ever showed me. It never even stopped her from calling me her hero the next morning as love replaced fear, as with love, fear was extinct.
ME: “I’m starting to feel a little better now. I think I’ll go into work. It’s Veteran’s Day so traffic should be light. What r u up to today?”
ANYA: “Ok good! Andrew wants to go to the skate park today so that’s my day.”
ME: “Please enjoy your day with him. You want to hear something funny. I prepared myself to stay downstairs all night if you never responded to my text. They even had really nice bench with pillows outside too!”
ANYA: “U prepared yourself to be outside all night? Too funny! By 10 they would have come over and said “dude I think she stood u up and I have to take the cushions in.”
ME: “Haha! No doubt! Oh well, I would have. I was really worried about you so I guess that’s part of the deal when you have a man like me in your life. I wouldn’t have been able to fall asleep at home anyway.”
ANYA: “Aw babe. Thanks again. As tired as I was it was hard to say goodbye. I’m listening to the waves right now. So peaceful. Have a good day! I love you!”
ME: “Ok babe. Have a good day too! Love you mucho!”
An hour into my workday I realized coming into the office was not the best of ideas, as most of my staff were at the offices of our other clients. I got so bored, I decided to “google” what seeing a hawk in a dream meant as I learned it was sign of a blessing and a good message to come my way. Filled with renewed vigor and hope, I ran with it as I caught up on much of the work I had fallen behind on, but just as I began to feel a real sense of accomplishment, Anya sent me a text that challenged all of my momentum.
1
1:13 a.m.
“I’m so mad at myself. Sorry I was playing w/fire. According to my calendar I was ovulating yesterday! I was so stupid! I’m sure it’s fine but irresponsible!”
ME: “Babe, please don’t blame yourself. That’s my fault and I need to be more mindful of that.”
ANYA: “I feel awful about it.”
ME: “Please don’t, babe. I feel awful I put you in that position. I’m sorry. Personally, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. It was a close call but I made it out of there.”
ANYA: “I’m sure it’s fine but can’t help freaking out.”
ME: “I think you’ll be fine. Hard to put a stop to such a beautiful moment for us.”
ANYA: “It was babe. I took “the morning after” pill. Have to take another tonight.”
ME: “I’m sorry.”
ANYA: “It’s ok. It’s really my fault. I was irresponsible. I loved everything about last night.”
ME: “I did too, especially that moment, but in all fairness to you…I showed up unexpectedly and put you in that position so please don’t feel like it’s all your fault. I remember every little detail about last night.”
ANYA: “Ok we’ll split the blame! I do too! Remember how tired I was and I couldn’t keep my eyes open?”
ME: “I do. Do you remember how you tried to fall asleep and I wouldn’t let you?”
ANYA: “Haha! Yes, I do!”
ME: “See! This is all on me.”
A part of me didn’t want her to be pregnant only because of her kids, a bad example for them to see, and I wanted them to see their mother in the best possible light if they were to find out about our “situation”, but the biggest part of me wanted her to be the mother of my child. For her to be pregnant, after such a beautiful perfect evening together, I wanted my child to be born in, unlike the way I came into the world, with trepidation and uncertainty. I’m not saying my father never loved my mother, but I’m certain an abortion was considered, and I didn’t want my child to ever feel the way I did. I guess I just wanted him or her to know they were created at the most beautiful time; a true blessing, and never a regret. The way my father treated me at times, he made it seem like I ruined his life in some way. I just didn’t want my children to feel that way even when we disagreed about something. I wanted them to feel from day one that they were wanted. I couldn’t think of a better situation, one created on a perfect night of love, hope and passion, for my child to be conceived in. I also didn’t blame Anya for taking the “morning after” pill because of the example it would set for her children if she was pregnant. But pregnant or not, after such a beautiful night together, after all she shared and all we experienced, a true microcosm of our entire eleven months together on one night, I felt she now had all she needed to figure things out as by her actions, she could no longer deny the beauty of our relationship regardless of her children.
Later that evening, Anya sent me her goodnight text earlier than usual.
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8:08 p.m.
“Going to bed early tonight. I have to wait another hour to take the second pill. I’m glad you showed up last night. I had a blast even at the bar hanging w/u. The night was perfect. We have good energy. Thanks again for an amazing night. Have a goodnight babe. I love you.”
Her text warmed my heart, and was what I needed to see from her. Although they were rare, the best dreams I had, were the ones I found myself in a relationship with a woman who played the part of my girlfriend. These dreams always included someone I had never met before in person, but I had intense feelings of happiness and joy when I was with them. Then I would wake up to face reality, shocked to learn my dream was just that; a dream, but the entire day I’d get lost in it, as if it did happen. With Anya, it felt just like those dreams I had each time we were together, but I woke up to them, and I could touch her and kiss her, even as it felt unreal. For the last eleven months, I honestly lived a dream. A dream I didn’t want to wake up from. A dream I felt could be a reality to the end of my living days. If I ever found myself in search of a sign if I truly loved someone or not, if it felt like the happiest dream each time I was with that person, there was no doubt in my mind I was head over heels in love with them. I didn’t know if it was realistic for all relationships to feel that way, but if it ever did, I believed those were the ones you fought for. I wasn’t fighting for Anya to leave her family behind, I was fighting for her and I to have the kind of special, “no doubt about it”, love we had. It wasn’t just any kind of love here, which perplexed me even more, but this was the kind of love dreams were made of. I don’t know how many people on this planet could say it feels like they’re dreaming whenever they are with the one they love. To me, that’s the kind of love Anya should show her kids that exists for them, and not the “love” she had with Jackson. I didn’t know if her love for me was a product of the circumstances, but it still couldn’t minimize the magnitude of all we’ve felt and shared already.
If I didn’t believe it before the night she left home for Laguna Beach, I surely believed it now that her marriage would never be the same again from this day forward. Jackson would now stalk her every move, as I didn’t understand if he had known for over a year, what took him so long to finally care? I believed now he finally was beginning to come around to the fact this wasn’t just an affair or a fling; that this was indeed, love. That his wife truly loved another, and that his money, he thought alone was enough to keep her, was now less of a factor in her decision. He confronted her. He stalked her. He watched her. He wanted to instill a sense of fear in her, but Jackson was too ignorant to know that love knew no fear, as she brought herself closer to me than ever before. As an ocean moved and a moon shone in our eyes, Anya revealed things about her husband I always suspected about his mental and emotional abusive ways. The time he left her alone on a cruise ship, as she felt ill, so she couldn’t ruin his time to hang with his friends. But far worse than that, his emotionally abusive ways made her feel compelled enough to get a breast augmentation with the secret hope it would change his disloyal ways. I now knew her self-esteem issues stemmed from him, and they were deep wounds, because Anya was as beautiful a woman in this world as they came. There was no way a woman of her elegance, class, grace and style should have been made to feel inferior to, of all people, her husband. Anya was an extraordinary woman in my eyes, a natural beauty inside and out, a woman I had never been so taken by. A woman I would rather die than never have in my life.
I felt bad she had to take the morning after pill, but I also took solace in the fact we loved each other. Anya loved kids and she fantasized about having one with me, and I felt the same way, but I would have only wanted one with her. All I wanted was just one child. Her talk about how we would feed wedding cake to each other was as hopeful a sign for us than I received from her in a long time. I loved the fact she thought about a simple detail of our wedding and was fearless enough to bring it up.
I bargained with the universe. If this wouldn’t hurt her kids, to find a way for us to truly be one. To give Anya the strength to do the right thing. I couldn’t fathom two people, who weren’t more meant for each other, that weren’t together, than her and I. Two tormented, fractured souls that longed for the love we found in each other. We needed each other even when we didn’t know each other. How could this all possibly be just a dream, and never meant to fall under a touch. I couldn’t take another thing away from myself I wasn’t meant to have, especially after the events of the previous night. All I wanted to do was take good care of her heart, the way she has done for me. I didn’t ask for much in life, at least anything I wasn’t willing to work really hard for, so I couldn’t understand how this could be denied to me, to us, when I knew it would work out beautifully if given. When she put her legs on my lap and started to let her feeling flow freely, I instantly envisioned many nights like this together at home, on a spacious couch, enjoying what we had in each other, on just a small portion of it. How could we both be denied something so beautiful, and yet so simple? I really hoped to marry her by at least the year two thousand ten, two years from this time. I knew I’d have to pay for our wedding, for pretty much everything, because I couldn’t expect her family to after they probably spent a fortune on her first wedding. I wanted her to have a nice ring she could wear proudly every day, and wanted to travel with her to all the places we dreamed of going together for our honeymoon, from Paris and my proposal under a lighted Eiffel Tower, to Tahiti and Costa Rica, and to even just simple Seattle. Any place I visited with her would feel like heaven anyway.
As much sorrow as I felt for myself, after last night, I never felt so much sorrow for another person. To endure all she did, and to have people judge her all because she had the audacity to push an escape from her mental and emotional abuser made me absolutely sick to my stomach. I felt no one, without any knowledge of her plight, the knowledge she gave only to me, had a right to judge her. People did things for a reason, whether wrong or right. Anya wanted to make sure she would never be hurt the way she was by anyone again but she had to be cautious to be certain, with kids involved, and that’s why I understood the time she needed, better than ever before. As her hero, in order to save her, I had to suffer, to strap her cross on my back and give her the time she needed. At this time, I didn’t feel nearly as sad for myself as I did for her, and I felt ashamed I ever thought she manipulated and duped me into falling in love with her. I learned the night before how much she truly and dearly loved me, and I wanted to apologize to her for not having love in my life long enough to know it well enough to never question her. She represented everything I ever wanted from someone who wanted to wear my ring. I blamed Jackson for all of what her and I both felt, and no one else. He allowed her to go out to bars with girlfriends and didn’t stop her. As a husband, when he didn’t honor nor cherish her, then this is what happened. This curse, as my mom stated in one of the Bible’s passages, he brought upon himself by his abusive actions, and I intended to suffer for her until his grip completely loosened, until he faced the same doubts and uncertainty about himself, the way he left her to feel.
What I lost over the years, just the pure goodness in life, I found again through Anya. I never thought I could feel this way again about life, like when I was a kid and looked forward to the next day, with so much wonder and excitement, everyday a sunny one spent outside. If I didn’t end up with Anya, I knew I’d hurt for a long time, and I could never open my heart again this way; to show someone the beauty that existed inside of me. I would hope the Universe knew I had a lot of love reserved inside and I wanted to give it to her because she deserved it after all she went through over the years. She would never be the same person again, and I believed Jackson knew this more than ever. The woman he married no longer existed. Jackson would now never receive anything he hoped to gain from her, because she has experienced goodness in its purest form, our love. He could try, but after our night together, his effort would be fruitless. All I had to do was be patient, and watch it unfold. I felt I made my mistakes in judgment with Anya and have learned from them. All I had to do now was be supportive and she would come to me. Although it would be difficult to sit on the sidelines and watch it play out, I knew she loved me, and not Jackson, as she tried to avoid him daily. He treated her like a possession; a trophy he toted around with him on business dinners to give his political and business aspirations validity. It made my heart good to know our love, and her reason for me being in her life, was completely justified. I thought back to his “I’ll trade you in for two twenty year olds when you turn forty” wisecrack and his “I would lose an arm” speech, fifteen years after he cheated on her, and it disgusted me a human being like him even existed, especially when I contemplated about the times he cheated she probably didn’t know about. Certainly, there had to be a few instances. Any couldn’t have known everything. Didn’t he care about possibly bringing a disease back home to his wife? He now knew though there was someone in his backyard. Someone who must know something about him enough to stay in his backyard. That there was someone else who had things to offer her other than money. All I had to do now was wait until the moment came, the day Jackson would learn who was in his backyard all this time.
8:18 a.m.
“Good morning! How r u?”
Her morning text was a nice surprise as I told her I was good and then asked how she was doing, but I didn’t hear back from her for over an hour. Her silence reminded me she was now back home, back to her reality, and it made me wish she was back at the hotel, away from the life that kept her away from me.
9:33 a.m.
“Sorry was in kickboxing. I’m ok. I did sleep well. Did u? Those pills wiped me out! Hard recovery from such a beautiful night at S&S.”
ME: “It truly was a beautiful night. The best dream ever and it wasn’t even a dream.”
ANYA: “It did feel like a dream. I envy those lovers in love who have it every day.”
I wanted to tell her she could have the same things those lovers did, in fact it was the reason I’m in her life, but I didn’t; afraid to pressure then lose her to fear.
ME: “Do you have to take the pills again today?”
ANYA: “No, the pills are done. You only have to take them twice.”
ME: “What r u up to today? Working?”
ANYA: “Working and studying at home. Busy day?”
ME: “What are you studying? It’s actually a light day at work for me.”
ANYA: “Oh that’s nice. Studying nursing stuff. Have to take a test after each course.”
ME: “Oh, I thought you already took all the CEU’s you needed?”
ANYA: “No babe. Still working on it. It takes a while to get thru.”
ME: “Oh, I see! Ok, well I don’t want to keep you. Have a good day! Love you!”
ANYA: “You too! I love you!”
When she told me, she didn’t think she would ever go back and use her license, I thought she would forgo taking the continuing education credits, but the fact she still did gave me hope she considered using them after all now that Jackson watched her every move. After the beauty of our night together in Laguna Beach, she could leave home at any time, especially if she was pregnant with our child, and the pills didn’t work.
Later that afternoon, I texted her to see how her day was going, as I hoped to hear she was pregnant.
1:35 p.m.
“R u missing me baby? I’m missing u! It’s going well. Urs? How’s ur day?”
I didn’t tell her I missed her in my initial text, but instantly regretted I had if she wondered. It was truly beyond missing at this point for me as I longed for her more than ever before.
ME: “Of course I miss you babe. Our beautiful night together is still fresh.”
ANYA: “I miss you like crazy! Hard to stop thinking about Monday night. I’m thankful we had that time together. It just felt so natural and comfortable. It was fun! I love you!”
The beauty of Monday night was all I could think of as I fell further behind on my work. I didn’t miss any deadlines, but I came awfully close to doing so, too close for comfort. Even though she now gave me a greater reason to fight for her, it tore me apart to know she was back home, in the realm of the unknown variable, as my mind liked to twist my heart into considering possibilities I didn’t want to believe in. Just two days ago, she gave me every reason why I ever believed in us, and I had to think about all she revealed and why she did, as a part of me wished the pills failed her.
I talked to her briefly that evening, as she promised to make me another batch of soup when the weather began to cool down, but it was the last I heard from her that evening. It didn’t bother me much though, as I thought nothing could make me feel as down after all she shared with me on Monday night. The truth was though, the damage was done, and there was no turning back for either of us as things now caught up with her. The mental and emotional abusive days were near their tumultuous end, and Jackson’s dominance and control over her even more so. I could only hope Jackson would be a man about this and let her go, but when I dwelled on that more, has he ever been a man enough to his wife to put her needs above his own? It was hard for me when I thought about the fact he experienced everything a woman can give a man, yet I was the one who truly appreciated her yet I didn’t receive what he did. Through me, Anya learned how a man should treat a woman he loved, especially one he made and called his wife. I could understand fully now why she never returned his “I love you”’s. Our relationship was never an “affair” but rather a relationship. Anya truly loved me and only then did he begin to understand the mistake in his silence and the mind games he played. Anya struggled with her feelings too much at this point, and once the holidays, and the parties that accompanied them began to happen, and he still played the role of a hawk, by the end of the holiday season, she would have had enough. I expected a call from Jackson at any time, and if he did, I would unleash her pain upon him. I wasn’t Lance, the romantic singer; a coward with a hidden agenda. I truly loved Anya and Jackson would know all of why I chose to be in her life, and for him to even call me, would be one of the greatest acts of hypocrisy. If you didn’t respect your own marriage, don’t expect others too. You can’t fool everyone, especially the people you hurt.
That evening I couldn’t sleep and decided to google “love quotes” to see if I could read something to help me with the missing. I couldn’t help but get lost in my imagination that she was holding our baby which drove me to the quotes on “love”. When I found several I liked, I texted them to Anya.
ME: “Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.”
“A dream is a wish your heart makes.”
“In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.”
“You come to love not by finding the perfect person but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.”
“The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman’s heart.”
8:22 a.m.
“Good morning! R these quotes from the same book? I love them! I didn’t finish the book. I’ll finish it this afternoon if I can squeeze in an hour of reading.”
ME: “Good morning! These aren’t from “The Alchemist”. I found them on line and thought I’d send them to you. I hope you can find the time to finish the book!”
I felt both Anya and I needed to see quotes like these for inspiration as nights without her were harder to get through as I felt like one with her. Although I felt more secure in her love for me. I missed her like never before. After all she told me of Jackson’s abusive behavior over the years, I couldn’t understand why she still shared a bed with him. How she could even stomach being that close to him after all he’s done. When he married her, was a purchase made that required her to always be at his beckon call even through abusive behavior? As much as I loved her, and as much as I wanted to understand why she did this for her kids, knowing all he had done to destroy her love for him, I couldn’t fully understand why she stayed, especially after all we shared. It shellshocked me at times, as at this point it had to be for the money. Nothing else, even for the kids made any sense. Was Jackson’s money and influence her be all end all? Was that the reason she tolerated his mental and emotional abuse? She asked for someone to be there for her if she left, she told me it was the reason she still stayed, and here I was with outstretched open arms yet they remained empty. As secure as I felt, it seemed I would always eventually fall back into the same trap of “what if”? What if her intentions were not as pure as mine? What if she still loved Jackson? What if she used me for to feel again? All I could do to silence the noise was to convince myself to apply pressure without applying pressure otherwise, she would fight me. I had to find a way to be understanding, even when I couldn’t understand fully. I had to be disingenuous so she would pursue happiness, her pilot in life. I couldn’t push as badly as I wanted to, and I couldn’t confront Jackson as badly as I wanted to simply because of her children, and the effect it could have on them. As I dealt with so many familiar and unfamiliar emotions, all of which that unsettled me when we were apart, I looked to the universe for guidance.
Later that morning, Anya sent me a text.
11:27 a.m.
“U busy?”
ME: “I’m just heading out to lunch. How r u? Did u get my text from earlier?”
ANYA: “Know what? I just got it! How strange!”
She never got my text in response to her “good morning” text, so she naturally thought I was just really busy in the morning, too busy to text her. She should have known me better by now though, that I’d never leave her hanging, even if we had a disagreement over something. The more messages that seemed to disappear and reappear, the more I believed Jackson was behind it.
ME: “Those quotes I found online were too relatable not to send to you.”
ANYA: “So um did you dig them up from your archive of “quotes”? JK! They were beautiful!”
ME: “I wish I had an archive of quotes! Actually, I just googled “love”
and they came up. I thought they were beautiful too. I miss you.”
ANYA: “Ha! Did you google “love” b/c u weren’t sure if you were in it? U needed the definition? JK! I miss you too.”
I felt at times there was a little truth in a person’s jokes, and I didn’t know why Anya would text that to me, even as a joke unless she felt that way. I loved her beyond words could ever say, but I had to remember, she struggled with her self esteem at times too, which made me miss her even more.
ME: “That’s one word I definitely won’t ever need to look up the definition for. I missed you last night so I was just looking for some comfort to help get me through the night without you. That’s all. These nights aren’t easy after our beautiful Monday.”
After I sent her that text, she disappeared on me, and I didn’t hear back from her until I was almost back from my lunch break.
12:20 p.m.
“Sorry was at the Dr’s office for my varicosed veins. I think I’m going to have surgery in Jan or Feb. Aw babe. I missed you last night too.”
ME: “I never noticed them, and I’ve checked you out all over! I would have to say Monday night was the best night of my life. I really can’t compare it to anything else other than the other nights I spent with you in Laguna Beach. You made the night very special after telling me all you did. I’ve never felt closer to anyone before. Is there something wrong with your varicosed veins you’re worried about?”
ANYA: “Isn’t it funny how every time we spend together it becomes “the best day or night of our lives”? It’s more cosmetic. They r annoying. Got them during pregnancy.”
I wouldn’t allow myself to believe Anya hadn’t had a night like that before with someone else, but it truly was a first for me, the best night of my life simply because of who I spent it with; a most sincere sentiment. When she harked back to getting the varicosed veins during her pregnancy, it brought me back to her unhappiness, as they remained a reminder of the injustice done to her while she gave her complete self to a man who was too selfish to see the sacrifices she made. Although they never bothered me, if it made her happy, I supported her decision to get rid of them.
ME: “I know I’ve said this a million times but it still feel like a dream. I really don’t know how I mustered the strength to leave you. I didn’t want to go.”
ANYA: “It really was like a dream. I think you were able to leave because you knew how tired I was and you knew I’d pass out as soon as you left. Didn’t want to mess up your work day.”
ME: “That still wouldn’t have stopped me. I didn’t mind having you fall asleep in my arms. I could wake up to that every day. It wouldn’t have messed up my workday.”
ANYA: “Were u mad I didn’t ask you to stay?”
ME: “A little disappointed, but not mad. We had some good energy going! I understood you had a rough day, babe and was tired. I didn’t want to push you on it. I understood why you didn’t ask me to stay.”
ANYA: “Maybe you should have. I wondered why u left me all alone in a strange place! JK! Yes, we do! Tho I think you had more energy!”
ME: “Did you really think that though? I’d feel awful if you did. I hope you’re joking. I’d never leave you behind like that.”
ANYA: “I wasn’t joking! What r u talking about? No, I’m joking babe. I was sooo tired! U saw my eyes. Swollen and could hardly keep them open! Like I said I didn’t want to mess up your work schedule. I didn’t know. When is ur next vacation again? R u going to travel?”
ME: “It starts this month, on the 21st. My last one for the year. It’s a Staycay.”
ANYA: “That’s great! I think you took off a week in Nov right before I met you last year. Am I wrong?”
ME: “Great memory, babe! Yes I did!”
ANYA: “I don’t know why it was stuck in my crazy head!”
ME: “I’m flattered you remembered! I reconnected with you right at the tail end of it. The best part of my vacation!”
ANYA: “Really? Nice way to end the vacation…or was it?”
ME: “Hey, I don’t answer loaded questions ok? JK! Meant to happen babe. My destiny. Meeting you has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I hope you know that. The greatest thing about our “break-up” is I learned how much you love me, how much you struggle and how much you really want to be with me. I don’t think I would have learned any of that if we weren’t “broken-up”. You leaving to make me happy, wouldn’t make me happy if you weren’t happy.”
ANYA: “I hope so. Idk. I struggle every day.”
ME: “I know babe. My love for you though is endless, regardless. I love you forever.”
ANYA: “Thank you babe. I love you forever.”
After our afternoon text exchange that ran well past the time I was due back from lunch, I didn’t know if was more or less secure about her love before we talked. When I didn’t hear back from her for the rest of the day, I began to worry about her. As another restless night fell upon me, I then pondered the lonely weekend before me. I decided to take my nervous energy to the gym for an early morning workout, something I could count on one hand how many times I did before. Without a read on her even after our beautiful Monday night, I couldn’t believe I found myself yet again with the same amount of dread in my heart I had before Monday evening. I tried not to force my love upon her, but I feared all I could lose if I didn’t take advantage of a Monday night still close to her heart. Even though I already found new love quotes to send her, I decided to hold on to them for a more opportune time. As I arrived back inside my car after my workout, in a rush to get back home so I could get ready for work, I noticed my cell phone’s red light was blinking.
6:46 a.m.
“I miss you so much.”
She sent me many texts over the last eleven months but as I read this particular one, a different kind of text in the best way, I convinced myself this one was her sweetest one ever sent as my heart ached desperately for her which then inspired me to send her the new love quotes I found and saved to my phone from the prior evening.
ME: “Give her two roses, each with a note. The first note says to the woman I love. The second for my best friend.”
“Love is that condition is which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
“Love is as much as an object as an obsession. Everybody wants it, everybody seeks it but few ever achieve it. Those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and above all, never forget it.”
“If I had to choose between loving you and breathing, I would use my last breath to say I love you.”
As I sent these off to the woman who missed me so much it was all she could text me on this morning, it brought me back to the times I was hurt by love before I met her. When I used to get lost in the greeting card aisle in drug stores and caught up reading the cards with love messages inside of them to wonder if I would ever feel this strongly for someone, and envious of those people lucky enough to buy a card like this to send to someone who felt the same for them. As I prepared to send the love quotes I found to my heart and soul on this day, I remembered how I used to fantasize about the day I could buy a card like that for someone I felt that strongly about, and as I sent these off I smiled to know I finally did meet that person.
Anya quickly responded as it seemed she didn’t expect any this morning.
7:33 a.m.
“You just brought tears to my eyes. I love you.”
ME: “I love you too, babe. I just got out of the gym and thought I would send those to you. Can you meet me today? Would love to see you.”
ANYA: “Wow! 6 a.m. workout? Well, I’m tied up until around noon. Can I let you know around 10? Busy day today.”
ME: “Sure babe! Just let me know.”
I couldn’t remember if I ever asked if I could see her before. I usually let her decide if she wanted to see me since she was always busy as she cited being “distracted” as the reason she took a “break” in order to figure things out. At ten forty that morning, she made time so we could meet for tea at half past noon, and I jumped at the opportunity just to see her.
When she showed up, and jumped in my car, with a huge smile on her face that lit my own, like a moon on a clear night that shone upon a still ocean, I knew my day spent with her at Cascade Park would be a good one. As I drove, she grabbed my hand which always aroused me sexually, as I imagined the feel of her soft hand upon me as her perfume pleased my sense of smell, all enhanced sensations. Anya was immaculate, inside and out, in my heart and in my eyes. My mind didn’t care for her at times, but my heart had silenced it after Monday night which now seemed like months, and not mere days ago. If I had known the torment I would feel when separated from her, I would have never fell in love with her, as I got no excitement due to the circumstances of our relationship. I wanted to see her and talk to her in person everyday rather than through an electronic device, where messages could be misinterpreted. I wanted to hold her every day. I wanted to be there for her and help her with her kids. Give her a break once in a while and make life easier on her so she could be a better mother with less stress on her mind and body. I felt I’d enrich her life more if we were together, but I had to convince her to be brave enough to make a promise I felt we both deserved. After all she shared about Jackson on Monday, things that really brought his emotional and mental abusive ways to life, I wasn’t going to let her just walk away unless I felt it was the right thing she should do, but as of now, I couldn’t be convinced it wasn’t.
When I stopped the car and turned off the engine, she came in to face me as our lips gently met. Kissing Anya was like having your favorite meal on a completely empty stomach all the while only craving your favorite meal and never feeling full once you take that first bite. I could never get enough, and I loved every second never wanting to pull away for that long as well.
“We’re you really not mad at me after letting you go on Monday?” she asked.
“Of course not. Like I said. I would’ve loved to stay, but I wasn’t going to fight you, babe. He could have showed up and there could have been a confrontation so I think it was for the best. You shared some heavy stuff.”
“Thank you for understanding.” she said. “I didn’t want that to hurt you.”
“I always try to.” I said. “It didn’t hurt me, babe, but it didn’t stop me from missing you.”
I truly was relieved Jackson didn’t show up that night simply because my disgust with him after all she told me was so raw. I couldn’t confront him, and not because he was the largest client at our firm, but simply because of her children. If I were to get in an altercation with him, Andrew and Katie would hold it against me, and would I want some stranger I didn’t know to confront my own father in this type of situation? I had an example to set with them, so I’m glad I had the time away to think about it. My problem wasn’t with Jackson the human being, although I felt he was a sociopath, my problem was with Jackson the husband. Even though I had to consider her children in regards to my ill feelings about him, it didn’t mean I didn’t have a few things to get off my chest about the way he treated my best friend over the years.
“Katie is going to be with her dad tonight.” she said. “I’ll be alone at home with Andrew.”
“How’s Katie’s ankle?” I asked.
“She has to be off it for another four weeks.”
“That’s too bad.” I said. “Oh, I’m heading to Wholefoods to pick up some fruits and vegetables. I’m going to look for pumpkin biscotti too.”
”If you can’t find them I’ll pick you up a couple of boxes.” she offered. “Because I’m going to see you soon again, right?”
I then leaned into her and brought her face to mine so I could feel it. I then kissed her lips and spoke to her.
“I love you so much.” I whispered to her.
“I love you too.”
“These people at Wholefoods are starting to know me just like everyone else does wherever I go.”
“Why do they know you?”
“I’m sort of a creature of habit. I always order the same thing! It doesn’t matter where I go to eat, I always get the same thing.”
“What? Really?” she said as she started to laugh. “No matter where you go? That’s so cute!”
“It’s cute that people always know what I’m going to order?”
“Yes!” she laughed even more.
“Hey babe, I will have you know sometimes I throw them off and order something else just to keep them on their toes.”
“You’re too much!”
“Speaking of too much, I felt bad I had such a strong opinion about your breast augmentation. I think you should do whatever makes you happy in life as long as it doesn’t kill people.”
“Sounds like famous last words.” she said as she moved her lips into mine.
I didn’t know what she meant by that, so I decided to stay inside her lips instead.
If she thought I would ever let her walk away with “whatever makes you happy” I could almost guarantee that would never happen.
“Do you like to go fishing?” she asked.
“It’s not my favorite thing in the world to do but it is fun when you go out on a boat and have a real chance at catching fish. My dad used to take me to dead spots and I’d sit there for hours and never get a single bite.”
“I was just curious.” she said. “My son loves to fish. We’re going on Sunday.”
“If he loves to fish then he must have some pretty good spots.”
“He does.” she said. “He catches all kinds of fish. He goes on boating trips.”
“Those are definitely fun.”
I loved Anya’s sweet way of thinking as she tried to establish common ground between her son and I. Through all she shared about Andrew, I saw so many things we had in common especially boats and finance. It almost felt like he was my son as the things he enjoyed and did, I did as well growing up. Both Andrew and Katie seemed like really good kids, as it was clear no matter how much Anya struggled, she did an excellent job of raising them and made them feel safe, although wondered if they ever thought something was amiss at home. If things didn’t feel right to them at all.
Anya and I began to kiss again as we returned to Monday night in a sensual way as I felt her hand glide across then touch my most sensitive of body parts. I began to get touchy feely as well, as we got lost in Monday night once again, as the missing reached the point we couldn’t control ourselves even in broad daylight. I then made a mistake though when I moved my hand upward under her arm as she pulled abruptly away and laughed heartily.
“Oh my god.” she said.
“What is it?” I said. “Are you ticklish?”
“I am.” she said. “I really got to get back. I have to grab Andrew a sandwich at Subway before I go.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“Sorry that I’m ticklish?” she asked.
“I’m definitely not sorry you’re ticklish.” I said as I teased her by putting my hands on her.
“Ahhh! You’re killing me!” she exclaimed in laughter.
“You know, consider yourself lucky Andrew wants Subway.” I said as I reluctantly left the fun of Cascade Park to return to the torment of reality. When I pulled back into the parking lot we met up in, Anya ran out of my car laughing, afraid I would tickle her further, and she made a good choice to do so. When we departed company that day, I fell more in love with her.
I texted Anya to see if she made it back home on time and safely.
3:12 p.m.
“I’m glad I got to see you today cuz my weekend is going to be crazy. Thank u for asking and driving up. I miss u every second.”
ME: “I miss you every second too babe. Thanks for making time to meet me. It was a lot of fun.”
She then texted me later that evening.
5:27 p.m.
“What r u up to babe?”
ME: “I’m just winding down. Deciding on what to do for dinner. I just got home. What r u up to, Beautiful?”
ANYA: “Having a spill with the girls but I have to be home by 7. I promised Andrew I would watch “Get Smart” with him. You should check it out! It’s really funny!”
ME: “I like Steve Carell. I’ll definitely check it out!”
ANYA: “I miss you sooo much. I can still smell your closeness.”
ME: “You always taste and smell so good. I’m always in the presence of pure beauty when I am with you and your beauty even stays with me when you leave. I feel lucky to feel and have that. I love you babe.”
ANYA: “I love you baby!”
At about ten minutes past seven, I received a text from her.
7:10 p.m.
“Running late. Leaving in 5 min. U there?”
ME: “I’m here babe.”
ANYA: “Call me.”
As Anya and I talked on the phone for the next twenty minutes about how much fun we had together earlier, two things came to mind. The first thing was she was going to be late to see Andrew, who waited for her at seven to watch “Get Smart”, and second, she met the girls for a spill because she missed me, more than I knew. These brief moments of transparency were the reasons I fought for her because within them lied the truth about what she needed in life, and as much pain it brought me whenever we were apart, or whenever she struggled, I had to fight this pain for her. At this point, I felt if I cracked, I would let her down, like how she disappointed me without making even the slightest promise as she filled me with all the promise in the world by sharing things about her kids that made me feel like she wanted me to know them and to be a part of their lives. I had no doubts we would get along. I had no doubts they would always have a true friend in me, and next to their own parents, I’d be their biggest fan, but I needed a promise to truly feel I belonged in their lives. Anya gave me a lot of hope as she shared with me details about who they were, but if she ever pulled away, I would always wonder why she ever did because I fell in love with her kids too and when she shared their lives with me, I felt beyond special to her, at least enough to expect a promise from her to leave Jackson and her marriage behind.
7:42 p.m.
“I love you forever!”
After I received this text from Anya, I didn’t hear back from her for the rest of the night, not even a goodnight text, but I guess this said everything I needed to know.