“If I ran away, I’d never have the strength to go very far.

How will they hear the beating of my heart?”

~ “Live to Tell” Madonna

Worry filled my heart, no longer caring if Jackson found out the truth if he hypocritically stalked his wife to set out to put an end to her happiness—the same man who would trade her in for two twenty-year-olds when she turns forty. Even if I had a bullet with my name on it, I did not fear him. Not that I wanted it to ever come down to that, but I’d take it head on—I was more than ready to face the consequences of my decision to fall in love. Shakespeare even amid his wildest opium induced hallucinations never dared to create a character like me; fearless and accountable bearing a soul not from this century, but from a much earlier time, if at all. My actions always backed my words even if it meant the end of my life--if the universe planned it for me that way. I knew if I died for love, we would be together one day for eternity, so death was something I never feared when it came to Anya. I believed one had to be willing to put their lives literally on the line for love to truly understand the meaning of it all, and all I felt for Anya was truly as real as it got as I walked right into the fire.

I feared for Anya, and I feared for her children. Those were my only concerns. If he wanted to confront someone, he needed to confront me. Anya told him the score long before she met me so I felt this was more about his ego than her happiness. Landyn Lastman wasn’t going to run like Lance, the romantic singer did. The one I loved, the one who loved me forever, asked me to fight for her and I promised her I would, even in the face of my demise. I knew all Jackson truly cared about was his perception and his image to those around him. What people would think of him; not what he would think of himself.

From her visits I knew they had two cars; a blue BMW and a gray SUV. For some unknown reason I had a photographic memory when it came to numbers and small letter sequences so I memorized the license plates for each vehicle. I found the letter order easy to remember for both, HLK and PED, so if I saw the other car in the mall’s parking lot outside of the store I knew it was him. My plan was to direct her when I located him, and if he was there possibly approach him. I didn’t believe he knew it was me he sought so I thought I could ask him what he was doing waiting in the parking lot, and if he cared about his image enough like I believed he did, he’d be inclined to just drive off. Then Anya could get in her car and head back home. As I drove through the parking lot in search of a blue Beemer with the HLK license plate letters sequence, not one time did I think “what the hell did I get myself into?” For true love, to save her heart from a certain life of unhappiness, I felt this was my duty. I had lived a life without meaning forever, so this was a welcomed change; a change more valuable than money, and more important than my reputation.

After I scoured a good portion of the parking lot outside Nordstrom’s for nearly twenty minutes, I did not see any sign of her husband. As I found her car and parked mine next to hers, I sent a text to inform her the coast was clear. I then waited a few minutes for her to appear and to get inside her car. Once inside she blew me a kiss then quickly drove off as I then thanked the Universe for its mercy.

I text her about a half hour later to see if she made it home without incident.

3:56 p.m.

"I did. That was very sweet of you to watch my car. Thank you for looking out for me. Ur an amazing guy! Random but have you seen "The Bodyguard"? Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston? I miss u."

ME: “Ha! Never seen that movie. No need to thank me, babe. We’re in this together. You shouldn’t have to face this alone. You told me earlier you feared an “accident” and wanted the girls to have my phone number so I didn’t know what he’d do. I was worried he might get physical.”

ANYA: “I wasn’t worried about that. He’s not violent. I just didn’t want confrontation. Thank you for watching my back!”

ME: “Well, you never know. If he’s crazy enough to follow you, I think he’s capable of anything. I couldn’t live with myself if he did anything to you so I couldn’t take that chance. I had to make sure you were okay.”

ANYA: “I’m glad you did. You’re right, u never know plus u showed me you care! I love how you never take anything for granted.”

ME: “Of course I care and I don’t take anything for granted! I love you!”

There are consequences for every decision we make in this life, and I didn’t want confrontation as much as she did. My goal wasn’t to confront Jackson at all because I dreaded it would only escalate things. I felt it better to stay quiet, respectful and to just let them talk it out. I just feared he would hurt her if there were any crazy “egotions” involved which made me want to confront him. I truly didn’t care what happened to me; to die for love would be an honor, but if something happened to Anya, it would happen to me too. I understood a man being vocal about things but not physical. Men were for the most part by nature physically superior to women so what would there be to prove? I think it’s the one thing women trusted all men never to do because of that fact, especially women in love who let their guard down. I disliked Jackson Caiaphas only as Anya’s husband, and regardless if I felt he fell far short as a husband if he couldn’t understand how his philandering ways could hurt others, there were still two kids who thought the world of him. I didn’t want his kids to hate him, if anything all I wanted was for them to understand one day why their mom loved me. If I were to get in a scuffle with Jackson Caiaphas, I would not only lose Anya’s heart but also the respect of their children, and I knew this.

Later that evening Andrew had a baseball game so it made sense why Jackson came home to drop off his baseball gear if she took him to his games. When the game finished, Anya informed me her son’s team lost in a very close elimination game and how hard it was for her to watch the boys cry. It brought me back to my old all-star baseball games and how bad I felt when my team was eliminated. When she arrived home after dinner out, Anya text me again as she packed.

8:09 p.m.

“We have 5 suitcases between the two of us! One 4 shoes, one 4 make up, one 4 costumes, and two 4 clothes! Sick huh? I always overpack! I can’t help it!”

For two girls it sounded like pretty par for the course, but what the hell did I know? Seven days was a long time and with so many events, I’m sure she needed all the clothes in case something came out of the blue. I didn’t want to disrupt her trip preparations so I texted her goodnight.

When the morning arrived, I sent her a text to wish her a safe trip. Since “Nine-Eleven” I always worried about air travel especially flights to New York even though I’ve flown many times since then however the difference was now I feared to lose her.

8:48 a.m.

“Good morning handsome! Thank you! Getting ready to take off soon! I miss you too! I love you forever!”

Handsome; it always took me by surprise whenever she text or said it to me. I didn’t blush like she did, but it did hang in midair every time she did as I still found it hard to believe someone I was so attracted to felt the same way about me.

As I thought about her throughout my entire work day, she sent me a text at around 8 p.m. New York time to let me know I was on her mind as well.

4:56 p.m.

“Hi babe! How was ur day? Just settling in and getting ready for dinner. I love this city! It’s electric! I miss you!”

After I read her words, I knew this was going to be a hard week on me for the simple fact my heart was in New York City as I ached to be in the same “electric” city around the most electric person I’d ever met. Her trip allowed me to dream and hurt at the same time because I wanted so badly to be around her energy, and it even led me to wonder if this break came at the best or the worst possible time for us. I felt our love for each other was at its apex before she left, her disgust with Jackson at a crescendo; almost at the point of leaving him for good, but then came a respite from him thousands of miles away in a fun atmosphere most certainly on his dime. I began to fear this trip could act as a buffer between her disgust and her fear which took on the identity of a much needed break from any further dismay with his suspicions. It then led me to feel if this trip didn’t happen she might have asked for a separation, but now it more than likely cooled down her anger for him especially if he covered the itinerary. Then again maybe this trip could only make her miss me more because of the splendor of the city.

8:08 p.m.

“Hi! Just finished dinner! Weather is great! Tank top weather! Not humid! Perfect 4 late nite strolling! Wish u were here! I miss u so much!”

When I visited New York years ago, my biggest peeve was the humidity, but even if the humidity was one hundred percent, I’d still want to jump on a red eye flight so we could stroll together. Just to look at her with the city lights as a backdrop and a New York moon, what seemed like the simplest of all dreams, would simply make my lifetime. As much as I wanted to surprise her, it would only detract from her time with Katie so I thought of the only other romantic thing I could do.

“Oh my god! I can’t believe you called me! Hi baby!” Anya said excitedly.

“It’s the least I can do don’t you think?” I said. “Are you tired, Sweetheart? What time do the competitions start tomorrow?”

“I’m not too tired! They don’t start dancing until Sunday. Tomorrow we’re taking the girls to the American Museum of Natural History where they filmed “Night at the Museum” and to Central Park. I’m also taking Katie to tenements for some education the following day where she’ll meet real live immigrants…old Jewish immigrants. With her Bat mitzvah coming up, I thought it would be good to show her their history and living conditions when they immigrated to New York. We also have an early dinner tomorrow night then we’re going to see ‘Grease” on Broadway! The girls are then dancing from Sunday through Thursday. I miss you.”

“Oh wow! You guys are booked solid! How cool! I miss you too. It’s hard to believe just yesterday you were in my arms and now you’re on the other side of the continent. I had such a great time with you.”

“I had a great time too. Hard to believe it was just yesterday.” she said softly. “I wish I was in your arms tonight. I love you.”

“What I wouldn’t give to have you in them.” I said. “I love you too.”

“Well babe, it’s one a.m. here and I have to get up in four hours to work out. So I will say goodnight now. I love you forever.”

“Sweet dreams. I love you forever too. Goodnight.”

After I got off the phone and although I was much less fatigued than she was, I easily fell asleep.

The next morning Anya text me pretty early since she was three hours ahead. Her excitement permeated my phone screen as she found a natural market just two blocks from her hotel and enjoyed fruit smoothies for breakfast. Finding a natural market was a big deal for Anya as she was a vegetarian and would probably run on empty until dinner time if she didn’t. Even though she always brought snacks and water every time she travelled, she needed some real fuel to get her through her busy itinerary. She then apologized for “pooping” out on me last night even though she didn’t need to, but I guess she felt bad because she stayed up until two a.m. and could have talked to me more. Even so if it was me after a day of travel, I wouldn’t be much of a fun conversationalist, but I appreciated her sweet thought.

A little later that afternoon she sent me a text and again it got me thinking.

3:20 p.m.

“Wish u were here! I love u!”

When I received this one from her, I began to think about her trip to Palm Springs and remembered how I believed maybe she hoped I’d find a way to surprise her with a visit. My heart began to beat erratically when I considered the possibility of flying out there. Money was never an issue when it came to seeing her as I was in great financial shape, and I could even take my work with me if I needed to, but I reined myself in when I again thought of her daughter, and therefore could not rationalize it. I felt if I knew Katie, it would be different, but I didn’t. When I attended her recital, I was there in support of her and not to mention invited, but if I went to New York City, I wasn’t invited for one, and two, it truly lacked support for Katie. It just wouldn’t have been right no matter how romantic it would have been for Anya and I so I nixed the idea once again; one of the hardest things I ever had to convince myself of not doing.

8:05 p.m.

“Hi! How r u? What r u doing?”

When I received Anya’s Friday night text, I was ecstatic. My Friday nights were usually spent alone, missing her and never hearing from her to no fault of her own. As small of a gesture Anya probably thought it was, it loomed large in my heart and saved me from an evening of despair.

ME: “Hi! Just hanging here at my place. How was “Grease”? Did the girls enjoy it? Did you end up bringing your laptop?”

ANYA: “Show was great! The girls loved it! Yes I did. I just have too much going on; I haven’t been on it since I arrived though! I c tons of emails but ignoring them. I miss u.”

ME: “I miss u too.”

ANYA: “When I c couples strolling holding hands I think of us. I wonder maybe someday…”

I hadn’t seen her string the words “maybe someday” together in a while. Of course, I would have rather seen just “someday” but I waved my sensitive mind off to the semantics of her dream.

ME: “You know what’s funny? Just yesterday I saw this couple that couldn’t stop looking at each other. I was like…I know exactly how that feels. That is sooo Anya and me!”

ANYA: “So us! OMG! I saw the same thing yesterday! They finally said “I love u” to each other and walked away. I thought it was cute!”

ME: “Maybe it’s because I’m in love now so I’ve never taken notice of them before, but it seems like I’m always surrounded by public displays of affection these days. I see it all the time.”

ANYA: “I know me too! It’s like getting a new car and noticing more of them on the road!”

ME: “That’s a perfect analogy! I think the universe does this sometimes to make us feel closer when we can’t be so we don’t feel sad all the time. I guess that’s what I’d like to believe. You must be so tired, and I’m sure you have to get up early to run. I should let you go. I love you.”

ANYA: “Yeah, I should get to bed. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow. It’s so very hard to say goodbye to you. I love you too.”

ME: “It’s especially hard after our day together on Wednesday. I couldn’t stop telling you “I love you”. It just overflowed.”

ANYA: “It’s overwhelming. When we held each other the other day I felt so much love. I don’t remember ever feeling the way I did on Wednesday.”

ME: “Me too. Not even close.”

ANYA: “Just amazing we felt the same way! Uh oh. I just got a warning from Katie to turn the light off and to stop texting! We’re sharing a room, babe. So, I better say goodnight! I love u.”

ME: “My apologies to Katie! Goodnight! I love u too!”

When we ended out textversation, my loneliness suddenly became more pronounced as I imagined her away from me in this energetic city surrounded by many people and things to do. Even with all this love in my heart, there were times now I’ve never felt so removed from life as it began to feel more permanent no matter how many times I told myself it was only temporary. I could never tell Anya about this helplessness I began to feel because she would only grasp at it out of fear and then choose unhappiness forever. I could never share with her how these times slowly broke me down, and killed me inside as she seemed to always be surrounded by people while I was only surrounded by objects. I couldn’t take her away from New York City so I had to take myself out of this apartment as it even became too difficult to visit my mother. I needed to be around experiences and people too just so I could feel like a part of the human race even if only for a couple of hours, but I just didn’t have the slightest clue where to go. Anya however helped me with this dilemma the next morning.

7:19 a.m.

“Good morning Handsome! Getting ready to take off for the day! Tenement tour, lunch and shopping! I miss u like crazy! I held my pillow last night! FYI the girls are going to Paseo’s tonight in case you were planning to go. If I could be there, I would. “Our office”.”

Paseo’s; my forgotten sanctuary. A place I hadn’t visited since a most eventful January evening six months ago. “Our Office”, the empty room we disappeared to, a place we made our own and filled with our feelings, a refuge that resonated loudly when she asked me if I would fight for her. Since the girls were there I wanted to go, but there was a problem; Mitch would probably be there too. To be in the same place her good friends were though trumped my fear of a confrontation with Mitch as being around them made me feel closer to my love, and I wanted that more than anything. I just had to get out of my apartment as I needed to be around people so I didn’t feel so alone, and if I couldn’t be with Anya then her friends were the next best thing.

Later that afternoon she text me again with something new from her; an unexpected hopeful message.

12:13 p.m.

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away. ~ Anonymous. Great tour! How’s ur day going?”

ME: “That was beautiful, babe. It’s going well! Did you do any shopping?”

ANYA: “Yes we did in SoHo! Having lunch now and the girls want to go to “5th Avenue”. So off we go! I told C & D you would be there tonight. Worried about SE.”

ME: “Please tell them not to worry about Mitch, I won’t let him cause them any trouble. Have a great time shopping!”

ANYA: “K babe. I love you.”

A few hours later, she text me again, and once again it made me want to fly out to feel her in my arms.

4:48 p.m.

“Hi! Just got back to the hotel! Tired! Ok, I can’t afford to live in this city w/Katie! Have to go out to dinner in an hour then going to the Empire State Building after to c the city all lit up! Miss u!”

Now I knew I’d miss her even more than I already did. What I wouldn’t have given to be with her there, to look upon that picturesque city with someone who defined the word beautiful in my same line of sight rather than gutted with an empty feeling inside, lost in a crowd at Paseo’s. I only hoped she knew where I’d rather be, so I made sure she did.

ME: “Hi babe. I know my body is going to be at Paseo’s tonight, but my heart and mind will be with you on the Empire State Building wishing I was there holding you and telling you how much I love you along with all the reasons why I do. Being with you is always the place I’d rather be. I miss you. I love you with all my heart. You’re always on my mind baby, and I’m sure the night is beautiful where you are simply because you’re out in it! I love you forever!”

ANYA: “Hi babe! At Nobu having dinner! I was just thinking about u! That’s very sweet! Thank you! You always say the sweetest things! Blushing! How I’d love to have u with me on top of the world! The night is beautiful! I miss you very much! I love you forever! Xoxo!”

Two hours later, after this textchange, I found myself back at Paseo’s for the first time

in six months. As I scanned the bar scene around me, within a span of just a few minutes I realized beyond my hope nothing changed as Mitch leaned over the bar just thirty feet in front of me. I then looked to my left and saw Carolyn and Debbie both seated at a table by themselves. When I saw them I walked over to give them each a hug, and relayed to Debbie the whereabouts of her arch nemesis. After a few minutes of small talk, I excused myself as I felt nostalgic and visited the same empty room Anya and I retreated to the last time we were there. After I escaped into its silence, I looked around then closed my eyes to imagine her in front of me with the same look in her sad eyes asking me if I would fight for her as I felt even stronger today about my affirmative response. I hung out in “our office” for a good twenty minutes before I returned to the bar scene to face the night alone.

The very moment I stepped out though was the very moment I wish I had done an about face instead as Mitch now stood in my path.

“I knew you’d be back.” he told me before I could pass.

“I’m just here, Mitch.” I said. “I’m not “back.””

“You’re still with her?” he asked in an incredulous tone.

“I’m still seeing her.” I said.

“Is she still with her husband?”

“She’s still married…if that’s what you mean.”

As my irritation increased with every hypocritical question I fielded, we were suddenly interrupted by a thin woman with a cherub face and long straight dark hair.

“Would you take our picture?” she asked as she handed Mitch her camera phone and pointed to her three other friends.

“Why, certainly.” he said as he got lost in her for a moment then took the camera without hesitation.

He then quickly positioned them with hand motions as to get them properly aligned together for the picture.

“Say Gouda! Or whatever cheese it is you girls like!” he said as he snapped a few shots.

“Ok…all done!”

“Thank you!” she said excitedly as Mitch handed back her phone.

“My pleasure!”

I waited for the Mitch I knew to pop up, a pickup line to follow his good deed or maybe some crude or crass remark, but I was left in shock when Mitch didn’t utter a word, as we watched them begin to walk away. This seemed like a totally new guy; a Mitch I never knew as it was nice to see a change in the way he treated women.

“Hey!” said the girl as she looked at her phone and walked back towards us.

“Is something wrong?” Mitch asked.

“Where are my friends?”

“Your friends? What do ya mean?”

“Yeah, my friends!” she exclaimed. “I’m the only one you can see in the pic. It’s like they’re cropped out!”

“Wait.” he said as he grabbed her phone to look at the pic then looked back at her with a look of skepticism. “You were with friends?”

“What? Yes!!” she said as she pointed over at them. “You positioned all of us for the pic!”

“You’re the only one I saw though, baby.” he responded as the Mitch I knew reemerged.

“We’ll have someone else take a pic for us.” she sighed as she returned to her friends and walked off.

“Anyway. Congratulations.” he said as he shifted his attention back to me. “You just entered ninety-two eight territory, Land.”

“Ninety-two eight?”

“Yep. Ninety-two eight.” he repeated. “After six months, it’s now a ninety-two percent chance she stays with the jerk, and an eight percent chance she leaves.”

“Whatever.”

“And every month that passes from this point on, your chances of her leaving decrease by two percent.” he said.

“So you’re telling me if she’s still there in November, we’re done.”

“I think so. Let me see.” he said as he began to do the math in his head and with his fingers. “Yeah, that’s right. I think. Somewhere around the holidays for sure.”

“There’s a lot you don’t know, Mitch. I believe you’re wrong, but that’s okay.” I responded “I’ve come to learn ignorance is your strong suit.”

Right after those words were spoken, I felt my pocket move against my thigh. I then excused myself from a conversation with his unawareness, and went back into the peace of our office so I could read her text.

9:27 p.m.

“Still on top of the Empire! It’s beautiful! Wishing u were here! Remember King Kong?”

As silly as it sounded, when she mentioned “King Kong” I got a little choked up. After I shared with her my affinity for the movie, I felt embarrassed I ever mentioned it, even upset with myself I did. When I read her text though, a low self-esteem part of me I felt ashamed of was accepted, and it got to me because this acceptance didn’t just come from anyone, it came from someone I loved dearly and opened myself completely up to.

ME: “I wish I was there too! I thought it was a really romantic scene when they were on the Empire State Building together as the sun rose. I was going to mention King Kong to you but thought you might laugh since I’m probably the only person on earth who views the movie as a love story rather than a monster movie.”

ANYA: “Never baby!”

ME: “How’s the night lookin’ and feelin’ from on top of the world?”

ANYA: “The moon is full and beautiful! Weather is perfect! To know this feeling is to know the perfect breeze on a cool summer night. No justice here! I miss u.”

ME: “No justice here either, and even though we’re far apart, we’re still under the same moon. I miss u too.

As I walked out of “our office” once again, with the thought of her on top of the Empire State Building without me, I realized I was with the outside world yet still lonesome. Paseo’s lacked the same feeling before I met Anya, and being there just reminded me of her as if I was alone at my apartment. From the minute I arrived, I couldn’t bring myself to have a good time regardless of the attendance of Mitch or her friends. Before I left I wanted to say good-bye to Carolyn and Debbie, but as I sought them out I came upon an unexpected sight. Across the way in a two-person booth was Carolyn talking closely with another man. He sat across from her in the same booth however they both leaned over the table as if their lips were about to touch when they talked. I then recognized this man as one I had met before; one of the two police officers introduced to me the last time I was there. The intimacy of their conversation froze me, and as I continued to look out of surprise, Carolyn suddenly broke her gaze from her interest into mine. I quickly turned away and even felt bad, but what I saw was like knowing the driver of the car involved in a huge wreck on the side of the freeway. At that point I decided it was best to head out for the evening. As I walked outside and felt the cool thin air blow against my arms, my pocket moved against my leg once more.

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10:27 p.m.

“Just got in! Better turn in b/c running central park w/friends early in the morn! B safe and have a great time! I love you forever!”

I wanted to tell her what I had just witnessed, but thought it wrong of me to throw Carolyn under the bus so I only text her back to wish her a goodnight. The next morning however Anya’s text brought the event of the evening to the forefront.

9:40 a.m.

“Good morning! How was last night? Debbie said it was a “weird” night! Don’t know what she means by that. What’s up?”

I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t want to lie to her, but at the same time I didn’t want to sell Carolyn out. I felt if Carolyn wanted Anya to know, she would tell her as I believed she eventually would if she hadn’t already. They were friends, and I felt something like that should come from Carolyn, not from me. In the same breath, I felt as if I betrayed my best friend by not telling her why it was a “weird” night.

ME: “It was okay. Ran into Mitch. Yeah, it was a weird night. I ended up leaving pretty early.”

ANYA: “Ok, can you explain “weird”? Why is everyone being so evasive?”

I burned inside to ask her how come a friend who is “madly” in love with her husband and who is “happily” married is seeing someone outside her marriage and did she think they would now still “advise” her to stay for the kids? It disturbed me this could even happen if those statements were true. The real tragedy though was it seemed Carolyn thought it was more than okay if she believed Anya was doing the same thing under the same set of circumstances.

ME: “I think it’s something Carolyn and Debbie should talk to you about.”

ANYA: “Too late. She just told me. I’m sad b/c I don’t want Carolyn to think it’s totally ok. You and I are in a very rare and special situation and I don’t want her to take it lightly. I don’t know how to exactly feel about this. Today is a dance day and I’ll be in and out.”

ME: “Do you know how long she’s been seeing him?”

ANYA: “No, but she’s known him for a while.”

I didn’t know what to make of it as well, but it sure made me want Anya to come clean to them about the real reason she was seeing me. Then again it was Jackson Caiaphas, and she must feel if he had a bad public image money could be harder to come by for their family. Still, I think it validated my belief she needed to be more honest about the depth of our relationship to them so they wouldn’t think what we were doing was entirely fine to do if she couldn’t tell them the real reason we were together.

4:36 p.m.

“Hi! R u there? I have about 20 minutes before I have to leave again. Can you call me?”

“Hi Sweetheart.” I said when I first heard her voice when she answered her phone.

“I don’t know how to feel about all of this.” she said in response.

As we talked about Carolyn’s night, I wanted to mention I knew he was the police officer she introduced me to, but I felt Anya would have shared it with me if she wanted me to know so I let it go. Apparently,, this relationship had been going on for some time and was why she met for spills when Carolyn needed to talk. It led me to further wonder if Debbie had another man in her life as well, but I never saw evidence of it, and it was not my place to ask. The part I had the hardest time digesting was how come these “happily” married women, who were “madly” in love with their husbands, were cheating? I know Carolyn had been cheated on by her husband before, but she was still madly in love with her husband; Anya was not. That’s why I felt it was important for them to know the truth why I was in her life and how a love like ours was not an everyday occurrence. It did bring to light one other thing for me; it appeared they were more concerned with their perceived image to each other than being honest with each other as I could now better understand how I was Anya’s best friend.

I further learned there was another friend with Carolyn and Debbie last night, Reese, a woman I had never met and was described as being a “mother hen” to the girls. Anya informed me Reese lit into Carolyn about her tryst and was also upset when Carolyn appeared to ditch her. Anya told me she felt responsible because she “gets away with it” and therefore Carolyn thinks it’s okay, but it’s not okay unless you’re willing to risk “everything”, and again if “everything” truly was everything, people would never risk it as they were only risking the perception of everything, but not the reality. If you’re willing to risk everything, then it’s no longer “everything”.

“Babe?” she asked.

“Yes?”

“We will go to the Empire State Building together one day.” she stated.

“Yes, we will.” I said without hesitation.

“Promise me we will go?”

“I promise one day we will go to the Empire State Building.”

“I love you forever.”

The other night she said “maybe someday”, but now the “maybe” which bothered me a little at the time vanished, replaced with a “will”. This simple yet powerful word brought a big smile to my face, and when we got off the phone after a very positive conversation, she text me again just minutes later to further drive the point home.

5:00 p.m.

“I love you!!!”

And then again fifty-seven minutes later.

5:57 p.m.

“Forever!!!”

For a man who felt eternally damned to never feel love at all in his life, texts like this meant the universe to me. They were simple yet significant; only three to four words long yet stretched out to infinity. I believed at this point, she would find a way for us to be together as not only my hope but also my expectations rose higher than ever. I believed the pain when we were apart from each other now was too great, and if we ended “us”, life would morph into less than dull. I held strongly to my faith that further persistence, love, patience and understanding would eventually bring us home and into an embrace for eternity.

Later that same evening, even while in New York City and at a very busy time, Anya still found a way to touch me with her thoughtfulness.

8:42 p.m.

“Hi! Just finished and back in the room! Exhausted! Katie did very well on her solo as well as her group numbers! What r u doing? It was nice to hear your voice today.”

ME: “That’s great! I’m very happy for Katie! Hearing your voice made my day, babe. Just got off the phone with my mom. I miss you.”

ANYA: “How’s your mom?”

ME: “She had a CT scan today to determine if the lesions have grown. They didn’t find any further growths or new lesions so she’s doing well. Thanks for asking, babe.”

ANYA: “Do you know what part of the brain it has spread to? How is her orientation? Has her ability to communicate been affected? Can she recognize her surroundings? Person, place, time, date etc.? When the brain is affected the pressure can affect her cognition.”

ME: “I’m sorry I may have confused you sweetheart, but the lesions are actually on her skull. It hasn’t spread to her brain so her orientation is good.”

ANYA: “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overstep my boundaries. I have no right.”

ME: “You have no boundaries with me, and you have every right in the world. Not only are you the woman I love, but you’re also my best friend.”

ANYA: “It’s just so personal, and I don’t know your mom. I didn’t know how you felt about it.”

ME: “You know me. You love me. You care about me. That’s all you need to know. Your thoughtfulness is what sets you apart from any girl I’ve ever known.”

ANYA: “K. Will keep that in mind. Going to turn in now. Holding my pillow, missing u.”

ME: “I’ll be holding mine too. Good night, Beautiful.”

Just one of those times in our relationship where she didn’t have to tell me she loved me; it was just understood.

When day five of her time in New York City arrived, Anya seemed to be frustrated by her lack of available time.

9:14 a.m.

“Good morning! I’ve been really busy catering to Katie! I’m discovering I will not have much free time. I have to take her breakfast, snacks and lunch when time. The girls and moms are drumming up a shopping trip after dance and dinner plans so there goes my day. It doesn’t matter what time I get up, I run out of time! I’ve been up every morning at 4:30 NY time and running on very little sleep. I have good music with me though! How r u?”

I loved when I heard from her but I also understood her dilemma, and I didn’t want her to feel bad if she didn’t have time to text or call me. Her visit to New York City wasn’t about her time spent with me, but about time spent with her daughter. I told her to just enjoy the city as much as she could, and she told me she would. She then informed me Katie auditioned for a scholarship that morning and won her regional.

9:28 a.m.

“Doesn’t mean much but pumps her ego some more! The funny thing about these competitions is these girls are here b/c they want to pursue a career in dance and theater. Katie has no interest. She’s just having fun!”

From my experience, growing up with a father who used to beat me down at my lowest points in life, I felt anything that pumped up Katie’s ego was a good thing as long as she remained humble. The world is a cruel and competitive place, and having a high sense of self-worth was imperative for survival. I then thought of her own father and feared maybe there was no humility which helped explain if Anya had an exception with anything that pumped up her ego. When she mentioned Katie had no interest in pursuing a career in dance and theater though, I felt this sure was a long way to go, and a lot of money to spend just for giggles.

Later that afternoon, I text Anya to see how her day was going.

1:08 a.m.

“Hi! I was just thinking of you! Shopping in NY is dangerous!!! How r u?”

ME: “I’m good! I came home for lunch and crashed on my bed. Please be careful babe, lots of pickpockets in NY! You have to keep your eye on your purse at all times.”

ANYA: “I’m jealous! I wish we were together right now! Yea I have to watch my purse alright…from Katie!”

ME: “Oh then you got nothing to worry about then. It’s empty. Katie is your own insurance policy against theft. You’re covered.”

ANYA: “You’re funny! I have too many loud teens around me. Deterrent! I love you!”

ME: “Who needs to worry about being robbed when you’re surrounded by teenage girls? The thieves are more in danger of being robbed! I love you too!”

ANYA: “Ur sooo right! U know ur pretty funny!”

When I heard of Anya’s struggle to keep her purse away from Katie, it made me realize how much I enjoyed being around the innocence of kids. I remembered when I was her age whenever I knew my mom had money how excited I would be. I somehow believed her money was mine, completely blind from the knowledge of how hard my mother worked for me to just take from her all she had. I knew Anya was the type of mother, who like my own would give to her kids without question because she wanted to see her children happy. Kids had the rest of their lifetimes to be miserable, and that’s the last thing a childhood should ever be. I had a father though who reined me in because we weren’t well off, and at the time it bothered me whenever he did, but now I saw the importance to know in life money is a valuable commodity; something earned, and not simply given. When I read her text, I didn’t question Anya’s parenting skills because my mother did the same thing so I looked at it as a mother’s love in the face of other mothers on this trip who were giving their kids the same levity, however it did bring out the fear that Anya was more a friend than a parent, which could work against us ever being together.

6:03 p.m.

“Hi! Out to dinner! Missing u.”

I didn’t know how she did it. Anya was out to dinner at nine p.m. New York time after a long day of activities as it brought to light how beat she must have been considering she woke up between four thirty and five every morning.

ME: “I miss you too. Are you going to see a show after dinner with the girls?”

ANYA: “Actually no! I’m sure the girls will want to hang out in one of the rooms though. Want to come over? JK!”

ME: “Believe me, I thought about it! I had to reel myself in I miss you so much.”

ANYA: “You don’t even know how much I miss u! Missed opportunity?”

ME: “It appears so. I really wanted to come out and surprise you, especially when you told me you were going to the Empire State Building.”

ANYA: “U should have! U know I would have made time!”

ME: “I think it would have been a challenge because you were with Katie, and you already had enough things to juggle over there. I didn’t want to take you away from her. I felt it would be selfish of me. Next time.”

ANYA: “Next time, babe.”

That was the last text I received from her on this particular evening, and I was disappointed I didn’t hear from her again, even just to wish me a goodnight, but at the same time I completely understood. She was with a huge group. She was with her daughter. Not to mention, she was exhausted too so I just went to bed, however I couldn’t sleep when I realized she could have sent my text to her husband again. When my phone unexpectedly began to dance on my nightstand, I sprang up and sprawled across my bed to retrieve it.

2:07 a.m.

“I’m sorry about last nite. I crashed! I know it’s early but I’m leaving to go running w/friends then to dance. I’m sorry I didn’t say goodnight. I think about you every time I have a beautiful moment here. I’ll text u later. I love u!”

With that simple gesture, evidence of our connection, I soundly fell asleep. She then text me again a little over five hours later.

7:30 a.m.

“Good morning! I hope you weren’t too disappointed. I was really tired and fell asleep before Katie. I’m fine now. Getting some work done.”

ME: “I totally understand, babe. I just got worried because the last time you didn’t text me goodnight, you thought you sent it to him. I think I need to take some time off of work and get away.”

ANYA: “U do? What do u mean? Where r u going?”

ME: “I don’t know yet but I want to go somewhere for a week. Do you want to join me?”

ANYA: “I wish! I’d love to take off w/u for a week! It wouldn’t matter where!”

ME: “To be with you for a week some place would be heaven on earth.”

ANYA: “Yes it would be! Ok, I’m depressed now. JK! I love you, babe. I miss you! Can’t wait to c u again!”

To imagine a week with her anywhere would be absolute paradise, but I knew realistically and sadly it was an impossibility right now. I just missed her so much I didn’t know what to do with myself. Hope was really all I had, but I had to plant the seed and hopefully the bees of time would pollinate my sprouting dream because if we ever lost that there’s not much left we could hold on to.

At this point in our relationship, especially after I learned her husband was Jackson Caiaphas, my job became more difficult to focus on. I always got my work done and kept my jobs under budget for the most part, but my attention shifted to our relationship. Anya became my life as my career morphed into the mundane and was no longer my sole purpose in life. I still worked hard, and I still hustled, but whenever I thought about my life before I met her it made me deeply depressed to think my career used to be all I had to look forward to in life. There were times now I couldn’t even concentrate at all, and had to take my work home just to finish. All I did though was mostly drown in the silence of the four walls of my apartment as I opted to deal with my tortured mind by journaling instead. This led me at times to fall behind on my work so I worked weekends to ease the elevated stress level if I couldn’t finish my jobs during the week. When she was in New York City, I simply felt I should be with her, and not in a small office in Irvine nor in an apartment. My only solace was through her texts, as they became the means to my survival. After six days of receiving them, I began to count on them, and when their frequency changed like an emptying morphine drip, I began to worry something was wrong and I’d lose focus at work which only led to more stress. All I knew though was I could never tell her about any of this.

Anya sent me a text later that afternoon, a short “hi”; an unusual text compared to all the others she sent me over the past six days. She then informed me she was out shopping followed by dinner to have Cuban cuisine. It was the usual things she did, but for some reason it lacked any feeling as it felt merely obligatory just to stay consistent with prior communications. A few hours after dinner with a sense of worry in my heart, and afraid I’d not hear from her for the rest of the evening, I sent her a text.

7:00 p.m.

“Hi! Sorry still out with the girls! I swear this city never sleeps!”

ME: “Ha! I hope you get a chance to fall asleep soon! You must be exhausted!”

ANYA: “R u kidding me? I’m w/all girlie girls! Who has time for that when the stores r open!”

She told me before she left for the trip she would be lonely for me, but I began to realize she was surrounded by way too many people and had too much money to play with to feel the same way I did about her absence. Sadly, the chronic shopping trips began to discourage me, not because I didn’t want her to shop to her heart’s content. She worked hard and she deserved it, and her affinity to shop was part of her allure because I enjoyed being around her carefree fun spirit, but it also left me disheartened only because I knew where her source of income came from, and I didn’t see any signs of a curtail in her spending habits which would acknowledge a possible future together. I also began to see an image she had to keep up with to fit in, and not to stand apart from. I knew she was a social person, and her energy was one of the many things I loved about her, but this wasn’t window shopping to support a mom and pop store, but rather appeared to me as a show of extravagance. If there was such a thing as keeping up with the Joneses this was more like keeping up with the Rockefellers. The most disappointing thing of all though was it appeared her daughter was being taught what Anya told me she didn’t believe in; that money and things led to happiness. I also had to consider if this is the life Katie had grown to know, a sudden change would make her question her mother at such a young age, so I understood there just couldn’t be a sharp drop off in shopping behavior, but I guess I hoped to see some recognition of her hope to be with me because this seven-day excursion couldn’t have cost her less than ten thousand dollars and if I didn’t know what I was up against before, I was now getting harshly schooled in reality.

8:10 p.m.

“Whatcha doin? It’s my friend’s birthday tom so I helped the girls decorate her hotel room door. She’s so anti-Obama! So what do we do? We got her an Obama shirt! She’ll hate me in the morning! Luckily she has a good sense of humor! I miss you baby!”

ME: “Oh wow! You girls are brutal! I miss you too.”

ANYA: “I love you! Can u do lunch on Wed?”

ME: “I love you too! Absolutely!”

ANYA: “K sounds good! Maybe u can call me at lunch tomorrow? Goodnight!”

ME: “I’ll give u a call. Have fun! Goodnight!”

As I already reeled from discouraging thoughts about her trip, I realized today was Tuesday, and she wasn’t returning home until Thursday which meant I wouldn’t see her for another week. It just shocked me that a person who told me I didn’t know how much she missed me wouldn’t find a way to see me sooner than almost a week after she returned home. I then began to panic as my sensitive heart buried itself into my stomach. I tried to not over think and analyze, summer time posed some challenges for her to see me, but it was hard not to after my negative shopping assessment. She didn’t tell me she had any plans for the weekend so I thought she would at least schedule a tea meeting. It left me to wonder if her husband ever confronted her and gave her a choice to make if she would choose to abandon me with all I felt for her. The New York City shopping spree brought fear into my heart as I learned this trip wasn’t really about a dance competition, but rather a competition of whose husband took better care of their wives and kids, almost as if it carried a clandestine business networking element with it. These thoughts weighed heavily on me as I feared they would manifest themselves during our phone conversation the next day and put all we shared and built in jeopardy.

When the next day arrived in New York City, she text me.

5:37 a.m.

“Good morning! Can u call me at lunch time? Katie is done at 2 p.m. and we’re going to be on the run again till late tonight! If u can’t I’d understand.”

Since I didn’t sleep much I was up so I text her right back to let her know I would. When lunch time mercifully arrived and barely awake on adrenaline, nothing could prepare me for what I was about to hear.

“Hi babe. Thanks for calling me.” she said.

“Of course, Sweetheart.”

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

“I talked to my friend yesterday. You know, the one who got divorced.”

“How is she doing? Is she seeing anyone new?” I asked.

“She’s doing okay. She’s actually dating quite a bit.” she said. “She told me her son is having problems though.”

“Oh no. That’s too bad. I’m very sorry to hear that.” I said.

“It made me sad to hear.” she said.

Immediately I began to feel her grasp at this, and it put me in survival mode as I now became unburdened as to why her texts felt differently the other day.

“It doesn’t surprise me to hear he’s having problems.” I countered. “Her husband is putting the blame on your friend for breaking up the family when it’s entirely his fault for cheating. Now he’s going out of his way to make it less than amicable without any consideration his son is in the middle of this. Then you have your friend, no disrespect to her because I know she’s hurt, who is out dating different men which isn’t helping him either. I’m surprised at all because it sounds like his parents are both only thinking of themselves and he is only trying to get their attention. It’s the way they are handling the divorce that’s hurting their son, babe.”

“I don’t know.” she said. “It might be the divorce itself that’s enough to screw him up.”

“See, here’s why I don’t think it’s the divorce itself, babe. I think if you were to get a divorce, you wouldn’t be out dating because you’d already have a man; me, who would allow you to do whatever is necessary and who is also willing to take a step back so you can be close to your kids so they know you love them with all your heart and they are not the reason for the divorce. I’d give you all the space you need to repair your relationship with them so they knew your decision was made because you love them, not because you don’t. I would even stay out of your husband’s way to do whatever he needed to do as well. Again, I only dislike him as your husband, not as their father, and I know they need him. I hope you know it would be a completely different scenario than your friend’s.” I said. “Your response though about the divorce “itself” does worry me a little bit though so can I ask you something?”

“Okay.”

“What would you base your decision on to divorce him?”

“It would depend on how much my children tell me they feel the divorce would traumatize them.” she said. “They trust me to stay with him, and to never leave him.”

As sweet of a thought it was I felt I had just been struck by lightning. Even though I knew she could only leave for herself, and not for me, her response cut me like a chainsaw as it left me to wonder how she could leave a completely adult decision in the hands of a thirteen and an eleven year old. As much as they trusted her to stay with him, and to never leave him, I trusted Anya to be the adult here, and to not leave an adult decision she had already made, by allowing and encouraging me to be in her life, in the hands of her kids. How could the beauty in us be looked upon by her as destructive to the lives of her children? I understood what she felt was a legitimate concern for her, but did she think I wanted them traumatized? I walked away from her the first time we met and I’m here because she told me I broke her heart; did she forget about that? I just wasn’t sold at all that if she divorced her husband that her kids would be traumatized by it unless there was something else she wasn’t telling me. I believed she had a responsibility as a parent to be honest with her children and to not place the burden of her unhappiness on them. If I was not in her life, and if there had not been another man in her life before me, I would feel differently. The truth was simply this, no matter how good their father was to them, they had no idea how emotionally abusive he was to their mother for she was the one who had truly been left traumatized. The more I felt her “Hallmark Special” words singe my mind, the more I found myself beginning to slip up as I tried desperately to be noble to avoid giving her something to grasp.

“If your husband found out about us. What do you think he would do?” I asked.

“He would have me choose.” she stated. “He wouldn’t put up with it.”

I didn’t get it. He wouldn’t “put up with it” yet he’s been putting up with a wife who didn’t reciprocate whenever he said “I love you” to him for the last five years? She had to be joking, but the sad part was I knew she wasn’t.

“It seems like I’m not fighting hard enough for you.” I responded overcome by negative thoughts.

“Why would you say that? You already have my heart.” she responded.

“It’s because I want more than your heart, babe.” I said. “I’d understand a decision to stay for the kids six months ago, but I have to be honest…I’d feel you were choosing him over me if you stayed at this point.”

“I would not be choosing him, though.” she said. “I’d be choosing my kids.”

“You have a marriage with zero trust. My apologies, but I don’t believe that’s the kind of marriage you stay in for the sake of the kids.” I stated. “I’m sorry but I have to get back to work now. My lunch time is over. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay. Talk to you later.” she said as she hung up the phone.

I sat in my car for over a half hour after our phone conversation, as I felt thoroughly discombobulated. If she stayed with him after all we shared, I’d never understand this world; I’d be forever separated from it. I would feel like the ultimate failure if I couldn’t save a woman who loved me “forever”, but I also felt she owed them the gift of life lessons more than the gifts money could buy them. She owed it to her kids to be honest. She owed it to them to teach them things outside of a school text book. She owed it to them to teach them what love was, and that marriages were realistic when they chose the right people for the right reasons. If she stayed, I believed she would only pass on her unhappiness to them in the long run, and for their lifetimes.

I believed with every inch of my soul Anya and I belonged together as this was no ordinary love. This was the kind you trust in. The kind of love you cast fear aside and break down walls for. If this was about money, then tell me it’s about money. If it was about protecting an image and a perception to others, then tell me so. Our conversation staggered my mind as I realized the only way I could save her was by fighting for us like never before. After I walked away from her and we reconnected five months later, I asked her what I needed to do for her to leave as she promised me to be with me if she fell in love with me, not if her kids gave her permission. I had to show her some way how much I loved her so she understood how I could be hurt by what she told me. I had to find a way to not only put my hurt feelings aside but her fears to rest. It brought to light my fear that in regards to her children, Anya took on the role of friend more than parent, and with her unhappiness in mind, it was something I had to fight for because her kids simply did not know the truth, and the things she went through on a daily basis. The last thing I wanted was for her kids to hate her, or to even look upon her as only a parent and not someone they could trust like a friend, but I was the one who knew her unhappiness, and I didn’t want her to be a martyr for her kids based on a decision made by the biased and uninformed. I just didn’t know how to communicate this to her.

9:52 a.m.

“Sitting on my bed and I can’t move b/c of our heavy convo. The torment is killing me. I’m sure it’s 10 times harder for u. All I know is that I’m in love w/u.”

I didn’t expect her to leave now anyway, we had time, but it still hurt to read “all I know is that I’m in love w/u.”. I decided to lay the blame upon myself as the reason for her not knowing as it became obvious I wasn’t fighting hard enough. Later that afternoon like a programmed wire we both shared, my connection to the universe’s plan sensed the gravity of our conversation.

1:51 p.m.

“I love you.”

A question of her love never crossed my mind, but like a shooting star that streaks across an early morning sky it always still caught me by surprise. After our deep conversation I needed it, but then again it was only all she knew.

ME: “I love you too.”

ANYA: “U ok?”

ME: “I’m ok.”

I feared if I lost my nobility at this moment, I would lose her to a life of unhappiness and everything I’ve fought for her to believe in. No doubt, I was rattled, but this was a time when I had to show her how much I loved her; not a time to criticize her. After being cheated on by a man she loved several times, I had to realize I was held to a higher standard, and for her to love someone again, to feel this vulnerable, had to be a scary thing for her. She thought all marriages were unrealistic. She believed most if not all boyfriends and husbands cheated and flirted. I had to return to my empathetic ways and show my love and understanding instead of my pain and frustration. As much as we didn’t want to admit it, as much love as we dwelled in, we both lived in fear of loss. Her fears of loss were greater than mine though, and I had to understand it as much as my heart ached. Our heavy conversation made me realize the severity of the depth of all these feelings though as it affected not only my mental state but also my body’s physiology. At six in the evening New York time, I text her to see if she was going out to dinner in fear our talk ruined her evening.

3:09 p.m.

“Yes babe. I had Buble on getting ready and felt sad. Wishing I was getting ready for you. Going to Nobu with a big group.”

ME: “How I wish. I bet you look beautiful tonight.”

ANYA: “Thank you. I love you. We’re so much alike it blows me away at times.”

ME: “I love you too. It seems like our feelings all come through the same wire without having to say a word about them; they just find a way to reach us.”

ANYA: “I feel the same way, babe. U get me. U understand. Never had that.”

ME: “I know what it’s like to have people let you down in life. What it’s like to have your heart broken. To lose trust in people you trust with your life. I think that’s why we connect with each other so well. I get you because I know your pain. I miss u.”

ANYA: “Miss u too.”

She lived in a constant fear of loss, and I was now part of that equation. She feared to lose me as much as I feared to lose her, and I had to realize she grasped at this fear of loss any time she felt it. Stress about the unknown was the turbulence we felt, and whenever she felt it, she reacted, but it left my heart in its wake. She feared her kids would go down the same road as her divorced friend’s son, and who could blame her for not wanting that on her conscience? I would never want it on her conscience too though, and I felt the situations were vastly different. This was the time though she needed to know how much I loved her, and all I ever said, felt and showed was for real. That I wasn’t a man who fell in love easily, but rather a man who said what he meant and meant what he said as I had to find a way to touch her heart from so far away.

That evening she went with a group to see the musical “Legally Blonde” as I had no idea there was a musical based on that movie, and it led me to wonder if there was a musical for “The Forty-Year-Old Virgin” currently in development. I knew our conversation still weighed on her mind as much as it did mine when she text me upon her return from the show.

8:01 p.m.

“Hi! Just got in! It was cute! How r u? What r u up to?”

ME: “I’m good, babe. Just got off the phone with my mom. She always calls when she needs help with spelling a word. She’s writing a letter to someone. Hopefully it’s not Duracell again when she wrote them to ask for an Energizer Bunny! How r u?”

ANYA: “Ha! I’m good. How’s ur mom?

ME: “She’s good. Thank you for asking.”

ANYA: “You’re a good son. She should be proud. Ur the nicest person I know. Ur thoughtful, caring, and compassionate. Have u always been this way?”

Through my experiences with women, I had come to learn no matter how many times they say it’s want they want, a “nice” guy is the last thing a woman wants. What they mean is they either want the person that once treated them poorly to change or if they are attracted to “bad boys”, for them to be nice towards them. Being the “nicest” man she knew scared me because the one thing I’ve come to learn about being a nice guy is that I usually finished last, however I believed Anya was different, and her past experiences did allow her to appreciate and want a nice guy for all the reasons I never believed in before I met her. As the exception to the rule, I took Anya’s words as the highest of all compliments ever made to me.

ME: “I know it’s hard to believe because of your past, but I’ve always been this way. I tend to be sarcastic at times so I’m not always the “nicest” man, but I don’t know why I would ever have a reason not to be nice to you. I just try to live life by the golden rule. I think I have so far.”

ANYA: “Never met a man like u.”

ME: “It’s hard for me to believe a man wouldn’t be thoughtful, caring and compassionate towards you. I worship the ground you walk on. I’d do anything for you if I could, and if I couldn’t I’d die trying. I guess any man who really knew you would.”

I didn’t hear from her for well over an hour later after this text as I hoped what I said resonated with her.

10:37 p.m.

“You always make me feel so special! I can’t sleep tonight.”

I made her feel special, but she really needed to know how special she was. Being in love with me was all she knew, but I think she needed to know all I knew too. Made of the same wire, I couldn’t sleep as well so when I declined by default to fall asleep on this night, I journaled instead to find a way to let her know how much she meant to me as I waited for her text the next morning.

5:11 a.m.

“Good morning!”

After I received this one text, I then followed with twelve of my own, each a minute apart, to let her know all I knew, and all I felt was all for real.

“I couldn’t sleep last night. Just kept thinking about all you know. Here’s all I know.”

“I want to be with you. I want to wake up with you in my arms every morning. I want to see you every day. I want you to be happy again.”

“I want to tell you “I love you forever” every day. I want to take you out to dinner. I want to hold your hand in public.”

“I want to find traces of u every day. I want to watch a sunset and sunrise with you anywhere.”

“I want to go to the movies with you. I want to watch movies with you. I want to go on vacations with you.”

“I want to see ur smile and hear ur laugh every day. I want to be able to touch you emotionally and physically every day.”

“I want to go dancing with you. I want to go to the gym with you. I want to take showers with you. I want to have tea with you anytime.”

“I want to be on top of the Empire State Building with you. I want to see France with you. I want to go to Tahiti with you. I want to drive up along the coast on the 101 with you. I just want to be with you anywhere.”

“I want to make love to you every day. I want to read a paper with you in the morning. I want to kiss you every day. I want to go to “our beach” when we want to. I want to see you in my favorite blouse.”

“I want to share every beautiful moment with you. I want to see ur size 6 shoes next to mine. I want to share a bathroom countertop with you. I want to kiss you goodbye knowing when I will see you again.”

“I want to see you in the moonlight. I want to cook with you. I want to eat ur cooking. I want u to come “home” to me every night. I want u to never have to delete another text from me.”

“I want to marry you. I want to be your husband. I want to show you this will be a better experience this time. I want to show you what love really is.

Just wanted you to know all I know.”