“I need your love, babe.

Don’t tear me away.

I’ll miss you so much more

than words can say.”

~ “Believe in Love” The Scorpions

After I read her text, all I could do was stare at my phone in disbelief. Did Jackson Caiaphas know it was truly me? If he knew my full name how come I hadn’t heard from it at work? How was it possible he knew who I was? He said he’s known for almost a year but not one time did he mention it to me, to Clyde, to our firm? Was this another game he played with Anya? Another form of his mental abuse? If he knew my full name though, how could this be a game? He had to know me.

I began to worry if Clyde knew too. If this had somehow reached his consciousness. Jackson seemed like someone who went for the jugular and bent on destroying people, the way he had destroyed his own wife. If this was true, I was glad he knew, and even more so, pleased Anya couldn’t hide her feelings for me from him that made him confront her once again, and this time around, he took it more seriously, like I was a real threat. No longer Landman, but Lastman. I knew the angle he would play. He would blame Anya and I for threatening the security and stability of his kids. That the next step was for him to reveal this and to lay the guilt on heavily, just like the soup recipe Anya designed for me, he had a recipe for a soup of his own. What gave her away though for him to confront her? The fact she cancelled on his mother for lunch? Did she give him a hard time about helping with the corporate office move? Did he see her sadness and desperation Anya tried to communicate to me? I loved her for it. I loved her for not being strong and genuine enough to hide it from him because it made her love for me nothing but real.

He would brand, her and I, with the family’s instability. That we didn’t care about Katie and Andrew. That we wanted them to suffer and we were selfish for being happy but I felt differently. This was about giving them the tools in life to have a shot at happiness in their marriages one day. To know what their mom and dad had was not normal. It wasn’t normal for a parent to leave a dinner table in tears because of the mental abuse over the years that parent endured over the course of fifteen years at the hands of the person they should trust the most; their spouse. He would spin it around her carelessness about the instability of their children, while the truth was bringing stability to their mother so she could bring “true stability” to them through her happiness; something I felt they would take with them to choose better partners and marriages to last forever; to prove they were realistic when they chose the right person to be with. When they chose the person who made them fall in love with themselves. To know that money does not lead to happiness. That mutual love and respect are non-negotiable in a marriage. That mental and emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse because at least a bruise goes away eventually. I represented Anya’s truth, her self-awareness and now Jackson knew that as well and I was relieved as I felt now since he knows the truth, I could freely love her.

With every confrontation she had with Jackson, I felt great hope as I believed she would do the right thing and leave him, or at least promise to make plans to. She couldn’t live like this, with a man looking over her shoulder every minute; trust forever destroyed. As I waited for Anya to share the details of his “confrontation” the following morning, she put our conversation on hold after I reached out to her.

8:55 a.m.

“I have a doctor’s appt at 9:30. Can I text u when I’m done and we can set up a time then?”

ME: “Sure babe. Let me know.”

I couldn’t help but hope she had enough of him. That she would be by my side as I tussled with revealing I knew who her husband was. The only reason I feared to tell her was because I thought it might give her another excuse to leave me, afraid it would hurt my career. That would only upset me and lead me to argue with her simply because I felt she should have told me who he was when we first met. To save me from her indecision that I’m certain lent to it in a huge way as well. Her image, her job, jobs of co-workers, and friends she’s made through the business of their marriage, all had a role into her staying with the one who abused her. Would the kids be subjected to a lesser life style if she were to leave Jackson? Would their own image to their friends be tarnished? Would the charitable organizations she worked for in the name of her business suffer? There was a lot I felt she needed to communicated to me so I understood completely. If she was willing to leave me in the dark about who her husband was, why not leave her in the dark about me knowing him as well as I did?

10:04 a.m.

“Hi I’m done.”

The love I felt from her all day yesterday seemed to vanish completely by the tone of her text as it seemed she didn’t want to discuss it, and against my better judgment, we began to have a conversation about his confrontation over the phone.

“How are you?” I asked.

“I’m depressed.” she said. “How are you?”

“I’m okay.” I said.

“He confronted me last night. He knows who you are.”

“I know.” I said dumbfounded she repeated what she text to me last night.

“How do you think he found out? He’s known for over a year?”

“I have no idea.” she said. “I told him I met you through a group of friends at a concert.”

“Why did he choose to confront you now?”

“I don’t know.” she said. “I don’t know about anything anymore, Landyn.”

“Okay.” I said as exasperation, frustration and anxiety consumed me. “He won’t ask for a divorce?”

“No.” she said. “He’ll take me as is. He won’t give up. He made me feel bad about what I was doing to the kids.”

“He will still “take you”? Even if he knew you’ve been with another man for a year?”

“Yes.” she said.

“Why would he make you feel bad? What are you doing to the kids? Opting to be honest with them instead of lying? How is that a bad thing? What does he think you’re doing to the kids when someone genuinely cares about and loves you? That you want to be a better mother for them? Why can’t you tell him you need a separation? It’s the right thing to do don’t you think?”

“I don’t want to get into it, Landyn.” she said. “Not right now. Please.”

“You’re just going to allow him to manipulate you to feel bad then? Is that the answer?” I countered. “You’re in love with another man. He led you here with his abuse of you. Why are you going to tolerate another day of it if he knows the truth? He doesn’t care or love you. He wants to sell you out, Anya. If he loved you or cared, he’d let you go to do what made you the happiest. What would make you a better parent. A better person. He loves himself more than anyone, and he doesn’t care who he wrecks in the process. You’re not doing anything bad to your children. The only wrong now is you’re not being honest. That’s the truth. Do you think he will call me now? What should I tell him?”

“Okay, babe. I have to go. I’m sorry. I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to feel this pressure today. I got too much going on.”

“Okay. I’m really disappointed but I’ll let you go. Have a good day.”

“You too.”

When I got off the phone I didn’t know what to feel as the excitement and hope her text gave me last night disappeared like a fifty-dollar bill in a magician’s hat. I knew the consequences of dating Anya. I knew Jackson could find out. In fact, I wanted him to find out before I knew she would feel this way about it. One day she couldn’t live without me and the next day she couldn’t care less about wanting to wear my ring.

11:26 a.m.

“I need some time.”

After I cooled down, I started to feel bad for pressuring her. I just had so much hope this would be enough to get her to at least promise me, but all it did was bring her further away it seemed. I was completely disheartened and sick to my stomach.

ME: “I’m sorry. No more pressure from me. It’s hard sometimes to understand b/c of my feelings. Again, I’m very sorry. U did the right thing. Sorry for telling u I was disappointed. I was wrong. The truth is if u were to leave it cannot be for me but for you. That’s the bottom line. I’m sorry for thinking of me and my feelings above yours. It was not right. Once again, I’m sorry about this morning. U handled everything the right way. I need to learn to just shut the F up and listen. I’m sorry I didn’t do that 4 u this morn. Ur doing the right thing babe. I understand. Sometimes my heart just gets in the way. I’ve been a more than willing participant b/c I love you so much and I fight for u to be happy. I think it’s the most important thing to have in this life. Anyway, I just wanted u to know that.”

ANYA: “I don’t think he’s going to call you. He’s too afraid to rock the boat w/me. We just met in the crowd w/some friends that’s all.”

ME: “Sure babe. I just hope you’re ok.”

ANYA: “I’m ok. I hope you are too. I have to be ok for my kids right now. I would still like to make soup for you. I will see you on Friday, not cancelling. Want to keep a clean record.”

ME: “Babe, if it’s too much trouble I don’t want you to come. The “clean record” doesn’t matter.”

ANYA: “The comment about “clean record” was a joke. Let me know if u still want me to come by on Friday.”

ME: “Of course, I do.”

ANYA: “Ok then it’s on!”

ME: “Please try to understand, whenever you get down on me, it’s coming from a place that loves you very much. I love you very much. I’d do anything for you and all I want is to be with you. Please don’t take it the wrong way. It’s done out of love. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t care about anything that happened last night.”

ANYA: “I understand. Your feelings are equally important. I love you.”

ME: “I love you beyond anything I could text to you. What r u doing tonight?”

ANYA: “Dinner, dance, soccer, walk Suki…”

ME: “Have a nice evening babe.”

I guess I expected her to be so upset with him she would have had no choice but to end the marriage, but it didn’t pan out the way I hoped. The question how he found out my full name boggled my mind. Did Mitch tell him? Did Carolyn and Debbie tell him because they worried about Anya and her kids? I just didn’t understand how else he could get that information unless he hired a private investigator. Before the night mercifully came to an end, the schism between yesterday and what I now felt was wider than just twenty-four hours ever could be, I texted her to ask her if he told her.

6:31 p.m.

“I don’t know babe.”

ME: “Do you think maybe Mitch did? He’s the only one I can think of but he’s never seen a picture of your husband nor even knows of him.”

ANYA: “I don’t think so babe. Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter.”

When she told me “it doesn’t matter”, I shut down on her, one of the rare times I ever did. It obviously mattered to me who sold me out to him, especially if it was Mitch. Then again, maybe it didn’t matter in the grander scheme of things.

8:45 p.m.

“U there?”

ME: “I’m here, babe. Sorry for shutting down on you. How r u?”

ANYA: “I’m not doing so well. I’m really depressed. I canceled work for tomorrow. I’m going to need a couple of days to snap out of this darkness.”

ME: “I’m sorry, babe. I’m here for you. We’re both in this together.”

ANYA: “I better say goodnight. I’m sorry you’re in this mess.”

ME: “Don’t apologize. I want to be here. I love you.”

ANYA: “I love you.”

I saw the emotional toll he took on Anya, as I wanted to confront Jackson myself. Why wouldn’t he just let her go? Allow her to achieve the happiness he stole from her over the years? Why couldn’t he recognize his role? He did to Anya what only bullies did. Take your lunch money. Make you feel inferior. Then return the next day to do it again. There was no room for remorse in this man’s heart, only more obstruction to reach his goals. The goal to destroy anyone who stood in his way, even those he claimed to love.

I began to think how abnormal I seemed to be, but why would I choose to stay with someone whom had a relationship with another man in my marriage? Or in any relationship? This was why I disliked politics. It inspired the disingenuous. Relationships were to be separated from politics and from business. Was a marriage technically just a business partnership and not a relationship these days? Was I just an ideal thinker removed from reality? My greatest fear though wasn’t Jackson confronting me, not even close. My greatest fear, after all we shared, was Anya having the ability to make him believe we were just friends. I hated that phrase “just friends” because now whenever I heard it come from a woman, I knew I could never trust those words again.

The other great mystery to me existed in if Jackson had known for a year, how come he never said anything until now? If he could tell Anya loved me, then why carry on? If he truly loved her wouldn’t he have stepped in once he learned? Or was it just me who cared about such things? I could understand Anya’s depression, but wouldn’t this bring us closer to being together since we’re closer to the truth, to honesty? How could Jackson learning the truth be the end of us if she had any real intentions to be with me. or as she put it, “real thoughts” of telling her husband? I believed Jackson’s confrontation was one step closer to the truth, and not the end.

I texted her that morning to see how she was holding up.

8:02 a.m.

“Good morning. I’m ok. How are you?”

ME: “I didn’t sleep much last night but I’m ok. How did you sleep?”

ANYA: “I slept ok. I’m sorry this is affecting you so much. Please don’t let it affect your work. You have to be strong for me. Where are you this week?”

ME: “I actually have to head out to Hesperia. Not a problem though. I get to drive my new car.”

ANYA: “In your new car! Sorry I’m giving you such a heartache.”

ME: “I hope you don’t think I’m upset with or mad at you, babe. I admit I was wrong yesterday. Sure, I wish you were with me still but you’re doing the right thing right now. I love you too much to fault you for that. It’s just so hard to let go in anyway. I miss you so much. I’m not trapped in a marriage so even though I’m in hell right now, I can’t imagine what it must be like for you. I really wished your husband loved you more than he loved himself. Could have saved you a lot of heartache. He’s taken your happiness away and he continues to do so every day. It’s sad. You’re having a hard time too, babe. We’re both going through this together. It’s no picnic for you.”

ANYA: “No picnic for sure.”

I followed up with her in the afternoon as I feared if I didn’t, and I never heard from her, it would affect my work day.

12:03 p.m.

“Thank you for your concern babe. I’m trying not to be too negative. It’s the only way I can get out of bed in the morning right now.”

I didn’t understand her defeatist tone as this came from a woman who allowed another man’s feelings to grow for her which should have only proven her need to be and feel loved. Jackson had beaten her down mentally and emotionally for years, and with me in her life, I couldn’t understand why she continued to allow it. If our relationship was just a fling, I’d understand her depressed state but to know it’s love, I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t willing to fight for that. If she felt this relationship would be wrong, then she should have let me just walk away and not have told me I broke her heart. Before I could respond to her text, she fired me another one.

12:05 p.m.

“I would like to have a positive visit on Friday since we don’t have a big chunk of time to hash it out. I have to go into work on Friday so I can see you in the morning if that’s ok with you.”

ME: “Me too. There’s nothing to hash out. Morning is perfect.”

I agreed to keep things “light” on Friday when she visited we made plans to see each at “10ish”. I had to remind myself she wanted to separate from each other until she figured things out, but I knew she was having a hard time, and whether I agreed with it or not, I cared. It’s all I knew and grew to love. More than anything, it hurt to hear she would struggle to get out of bed, as I lived that way for years before she came into my life. And I didn’t want to be bedridden as well. So, against my better judgment, I continued to text to check in on her.

12:10 p.m.

“I love you baby.”

ME: “I love you too. Sorry if I haven’t been giving you your space. Just concerned.”

ANYA: “I understand. Thank you for that. It’s not easy for me to let go either. We’ve shared so much. I miss you.”

In a nutshell, her text captured what made it so mystifying to me. I just didn’t understand how she could share so much of herself with me, and not have things figured out, and that hurt me more than anything as “separating” only threw more gas on the flame. In my eyes, through the pupils of the truth, she separated from the wrong person.

Later that afternoon, a rarity, she texted me.

2:58 p.m.

“How’s your work babe?”

ME: “It’s going well! So far! How are you?”

For the first time, I felt grateful to be out in the field and not have to go to the office as I felt unsure what awaited me, if Clyde knew about my relationship, a man he already approved to be his business partner in seven months. I convinced myself he would be too uncomfortable to bring it up, unless he lost Jackson’s business and he left with a reason why. I had a few solid new business leads for Clyde, but they still fell well short of Jackson’s business as it was hard to find recurring work in the public accounting field; what I needed to find. On top of managing engagements, mentoring team members, and reviewing files, I had to make a more substantial effort in obtaining new clients for the firm to cover the crater if Jackson left. I also wondered, if given the choice, that Clyde would choose Jackson’s business over my employment, but even though we were a conservative accounting firm, and knowing word could get out why Jackson left our firm considering his perfect public image, I didn’t see Clyde letting me go even though the scenario existed, and was very real.

ANYA: “I’m hanging in there. How r u?”

ME: “Hey, that’s my phrase! JK! I’m…hanging in there too! Think positive Sweetheart. We still have each other. I love you.”

ANYA: “Thanks you. U made me smile. I love you forever.”

ME: “Your smile gives me more life than the sun! No one can ever take all we’ve shared away from us no matter how hard they may try. That’s the crazy thing about all of this. I love you forever.”

When it rains, it floods as Anya texted me an hour later to tell me her daughter tripped over a bike rack at school and may have fractured her ankle as she found herself at her orthopedic surgeon’s office. I waited a couple of hours to see if that indeed was the case.

6:08 p.m.

“She has a bad sprain and she can’t dance for 4-6 weeks. She had 3 weeks of competition lined up starting next weekend. She’s very upset.”

As I read her text, my concern shifted away from myself and Anya to Katie as I felt bad for her. I knew how hard Katie worked at her dance studio, and she must have enjoyed it to be there night in and night out. To trip over a bike rack was such a freak thing, I’m sure it unsettled her greatly. It’s one of the greatest shames in life, I felt, to see people who worked so hard to reach whatever goal it may be to be set back like this. I guess it was a good life lesson for her, to face a little adversity, but at the same time I could understand how hard it was on her, and for her parents to see her be disheartened by what happened. On the bright side for Anya, and I knew she would never feel this way because she knew how much dancing meant to Katie, but it would take a weight off her shoulders to not have to drive all around after her kids got off from school. As unfortunate as it was, there seemed to be a reason behind it; a blessing in disguise. Just like Anya and her separation from me to figure things out as I felt the Universe was cooking something up.

As the night neared its end, and at a time I usually heard from her, I wished her “goodnight” and told her that I loved her, but I never heard back from her. I tried not to let it affect me, because I should let her initiate all the texts if I didn’t want to be hurt by a lack of a response, but I also wanted to show her I cared, and that Katie was on my mind. I also had to respect a time when Anya felt she needed to be there for Katie and not distracted, but I looked at Katie’s accident in a way that the Universe wanted to communicate to tell her, even when you’re not distracted, things like this could happen. That even if you did get a divorce, your kids could be hurt by things other than the divorce itself. That even if you weren’t there or distracted, things like this could naturally occur regardless. At least in my “glass half full” mind, that’s the way I would have viewed this if I wanted to be with someone and wanted to wear their ring.

I had a hard time sleeping as I felt a ton of anxiety over her visit on Friday. I had to allow her time to figure this out so whatever she tells me during her visit, I will just have to agree with, and just back off to not make her feel bad about the time she needs to figure things out. She has to be there for the kids especially with the holidays around the corner. Jackson undoubtedly is going to blame me for the divorce if it happens, but he has to know he caused her a great deal of pain. So much so, she sought solace through other men. I had a feeling by the end of this year, especially after he confronted her, she would come to the realization she was too unhappy to stay. Hopefully she would see she could be a better mother to her kids if she were truly happy and unshackled. It seemed to me like he held her hostage in the marriage as I’m sure she stayed because of fear he put inside her head and she basically shackled herself. I respect they had children together, but their marriage was based on mistrust and not love, and after all Anya shared with me over the last eleven months, I didn’t believe it was a good thing for her kids to grow up thinking their parents had a normal marriage based on what they’ve observed. I felt at this point, they both were going to be screwed up either way. One thing was for sure; I couldn’t pressure her. I had to let her go and hope she would find her way back to me like when she used to tell me she couldn’t see me, but yet always found a way to. Now that Jackson knew about me, he was not going to tolerate her intolerance for long; he knew she was an emotional mess. To know for a year and to let her do this, without stepping in, couldn’t be more wrong. I would never allow my wife to do that if I really loved her, but maybe he knew he was on thin ice with her. I respected the fact he had two kids with her, and it’s good for the kids to have their father around, but take a good look at what he’s done to their mother. How could this be acceptable all because he is the father of their children? I knew what he did was in the past, but unfortunately Anya had not forgotten as evidence by my existence in her life. She’s scarred by it. The kids would not lose their father or their mother. They were just going to know that mommy and daddy weren’t together anymore. I truly didn’t see the wrong in our love. If Jackson had not hurt Anya, or at least the pain did not lead her to fall in love with another man, then things were workable for the kids. Then the kids were not under a false foundation, but Anya was not in love with her husband, and she was in love with me because of his infidelities. If there was a God, he had to know I would never purposely hurt people and ruin their lives. I’ve been a good man my entire lifetime, and I only wanted the best for people, the reason I got involved as I though the benefits outweighed the losses. Given the circumstances; given the facts. Given the things she gave me the privilege of knowing; Anya leaving her marriage was the best thing for everyone.

The next morning, Anya texted me.

8:36 a.m.

“Good morning babe. How r u? Sorry I got tied up last night. Thx for ur concern. Happy 11 months of love and friendship!”

I didn’t forget the day was the thirtieth, however I didn’t know if it mattered to her. I decided after she didn’t respond to my “goodnight” and “I love you” text, something she would always do before last week. At least for the time being, I would refrain from showing my concern because it might be viewed as a distraction from her kids. Then again, maybe Jackson and her talked last night and that’s why she got tied up? It was hard on the heart but at the same time I wanted to be respectful of Anya’s wishes. When I saw the “and friendship” I felt demoted but I also felt it was an accurate description of our eleven months so far, and to be honest, I was proud of the friendship as much as the love, as long as they coexisted and weren’t viewed as mutually exclusive. Of course, her silence last night was bizarre and I just wanted to make sure she wasn’t unsettled about anything as she went from inconsistent to consistent to unpredictable. Her “thx for your concern” seemed cold to me.

9:42 a.m.

“Of course, I’m not mad at you! Thank u for your concern that is very sweet. I miss you so much. I’m looking forward to tomorrow! On my way to work right now. I love you.”

After her confrontation with Jackson, I felt something different from her; a far cry from what I expected to feel from a woman who wanted to wear my ring. I began to contemplate the “friendship” part of our relationship and struggled with the purpose of her visit the following day. If our relationship was only headed for a friendship, after all we shared regardless of her situation, I felt disingenuous if I pretended to be okay with that. I hated the “nice” guy persona for that reason alone as I felt once again, demoted. I began to realize even though I wanted to be noble for her, and push my wants to the side so she could figure things out, I had to face a harsh truth that things should have already been figured out. I also knew her circumstances were extremely difficult, but I also felt an obligation existed to tell me of these things when we first met as I was certain they were the same things that drove Lance away. I understood she didn’t want me to do the same thing, and it was flattering she would omit these things so I would pursue a relationship with her, but truth only by omission disguised dishonesty. I think Anya would have told me the truth about anything if I asked, but what did I know to ask about? I would have accepted the “friendship” if these things were communicated to me in the beginning but since they weren’t and I was encouraged and allowed to love her immensely without fear these things would affect me, I felt for her to seek a “friendship” couldn’t have been more wrong at this point. It felt she didn’t accept any responsibility for anything I felt, almost as if I should have known better, and how dare I expect more after all we shared. It didn’t appear to me she thought I should expect anything other than a friendship, and that disturbed me more than anything after all I felt for her. In the same breath, I loved her so damn much, when I felt secure, it was if these feelings I had never existed, but I harbored them and they would rise when she didn’t respond to a “goodnight” and “I love you” text and thanked me for my concern as if it annoyed her. I felt considering the circumstances of her decision to figure out things, I have been understanding, but not even deep down, I had my reservations, and I didn’t know how Friday would shake out.

The very minute I would have my concerns though, Anya always seemed to be in tune with them.

1:39 p.m.

“I hope you’re having a good day. Just leaving Irvine.”

ME: “I am. I hope you are too. How’s the new office? What r u up to?”

I didn’t hear back from her until she arrived back home.

2:01 p.m.

“Sorry was driving. Just got back home and now at Whole Foods picking out fresh tomatoes and basil for soup! Day is going well, got a lot done. I miss you so much babe.”

Her text made my day, as she didn’t even have to tell me how much she missed me after she mentioned she picked out fresh tomatoes and basil for the soup she planned to make for me.

ME: “I miss you very much too! I doubt this is going taste anything like the tomato soup I’m used to eating.

ANYA: “It won’t taste the same b/c it’s a different recipe I’m sure.”

ME: “How’s the new office?”

ANYA: “It went ok. I thought I’d have my own office there but all I have is a cubicle.”

ME: “Are you serious? Did you think you would since you’re not there often?”

ANYA: “It’s funny cuz when I left research nursing though part-time I had my own office. Now I’m working at my own place and I have a cubicle! Oh well, you’re right. I’m never there.”

Anya owned the Company with Jackson yet she didn’t have an office. I guess that was the price of double crossing Jackson Caiaphas even though he double crossed her more than once in his life. Although subtle, it showed the rift between them was deepening which gave me more hope she would get closer to figuring a way for us to be together.

Later that evening she texted me again to see how I was doing. I asked her about Katie and she told me the doctor put her in a walking boot and gave her crutches because it was too painful to walk on. My heart broke for Katie only because I knew how much she loved to dance and all she could do was mostly lie in bed depressed. Katie and Andrew both had a special place in my heart as I not only fell in love with Anya, but I fell in love with them too as I lived precariously through their trials and tribulations. Even though they weren’t my kids, I felt like they were because of the way Anya shared their lives with me, as if she wanted me to know them one day, which also made our separation harder to accept. She didn’t have to introduce me to Katie and Andrew to make me feel like I knew them as I felt I knew them better than their own father did.

ME: “I hope Katie has a speedy recovery so she can dance again soon. I know how much that dampens her spirit. You know what though?”

ANYA: “What?”

ME: “I miss you.”

ANYA: “I miss you too. I know I’ve said it before but this has been the longest week ever.”

ME: “Tell me about it! Every hour that passes feels like a whole day. Friday can’t get here soon enough.”

ANYA: “Guess what I’m doing?”

ME: “I have no idea.”

ANYA: “Cooking!”

ME: “I was wondering what smelled so good! I’ll be right over! JK!”

ANYA: “Haha!”

Even though I remained uncertain how Friday would pan out, it was nice to know she seemed to look forward to it after all that took place this week with Jackson. Before I began my nightly ritual, I decided to call my mom to see how she was doing. I hadn’t been to the house in at least a month, and although I talked to her on the phone pretty much every night, since Anya’s hiccup and Jackson’s confrontation, not to mention all the work I had fallen behind on that never ceased to pile, I hadn’t spoken to her in a little over a week which just never happenned. I had been that tied up though, but I’m sure she could use the break from my drama. My mother always worried about me, and Anya’s revelation put me in a dark personal place. The last thing I wanted to do was tell my mom about it as I didn’t want her to think I was down at all, and even though I didn’t know what Friday would bring, I still felt positive about Anya and I picking up where we left off. The love for each other just couldn’t be denied or swept under the rug as I truly believed this “separation” was truly temporary.

My mom recorded a message on her answering machine and I usually had to listen to it every time I called. She recorded the message in probably the worst Italian accent ever uttered. And as I phoned her on this day, I got the answering machine as predicted.

A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

“Excuse-ah please-ah. We can’t-ah get to the phone-ah at this time-ah, but if you leave-ah your – name-ah and your numb-ah we’ll-ah call-ah you back. Have-ah nice-ah day.”

“Excuse-ah please-ah. This is your son-ah. Please-ah call-ah him back-ah.”

Just before I was about to hang up, a human answered.

“Land.”

“Hey Dad. How’s it going?”

“Ok. How are you? Got you working a lot of hours at the office?”

“Lately. I’ve been really busy.”

“As long as you’re getting paid. It’s green and it’s got pictures on it. That’s what you need.”

“I know, Dad. More than ever. Is mom there?” I asked before he could get into a rant about money.

“She’s lying down…” he said.

“Oh, okay. Just let her know I called.” I said.

“Oh, wait. She’s up.” he said. ‘It’s Land. Okay here you go. Talk to you later.”

“Bye, Dad,”

“Hi Honey.” greeted my mother.

“Salutations.” I greeted back. “You sound tired. Do you have a migraine?”

“No, I’m just tired.” she explained. “and a little down.”

“Why are you a little down?” I asked.

“The cancer has spread to my lungs and liver.” she said as if it was no big deal. “I have to start chemotherapy next week.”

“What does that mean?” I asked, concerned. “What did the doctor say?”

“They said they are going to attack it.” she stated. “but when it gets to the organs though…that’s not a good thing, but I have God on my side.”

I didn’t know much about my mother’s cancer or about cancer in general. My mom made it seem so normal to live with, it didn’t feel like a big thing even as it now spread to her organs, or at least my mother never made it a big enough deal for us to consider it one.

“Let Science do their thing, mom.” I told her. “They know what they’re doing.”

“They gave me a new drug called Xanax. It’s helped a lot.”

I had no idea what Xanax was or why they prescribed it to my mom, but I figured I should give it a try the next time I visited to see what the hype was about.

When I ended my phone call with her, I didn’t know what to think. What was the significance of cancer that spread to the lung and liver? My mom had it in her breast tissue. It then metastasized to her bone, but she beat it back every time. Why wouldn’t this be different? I knew about chemotherapy and how sick it could make someone but I found it better than surgery when she had a breast removed. I didn’t look at it as doom and gloom but it did make me sad even as my mom seemed fine with it, and it seemed they caught it in time to “attack” it. Still, if I were to weight the two as far as significance, my mother’s cancer and my broken heart to me, my broken heart bothered me more even though my mother’s cancer return unsettled me as well. My broken heart over Anya’s indecision just mattered more because my mother has beaten Cancer twice already. The third strike, and Cancer would be out, but I also couldn’t help but worry about how disheartened my mom sounded on the phone. How she was lying down without a migraine headache. It just got me down when I threw my broken heart in the mix as well.

9:39 p.m.

“Goodnight babe. I love you.”

ME: “Goodnight beautiful. Love you too.”

I wanted to share what my mother just told me with Anya, but I felt it would distract her from her kids, and I didn’t want the focus on me, but rather on them, so I didn’t as I tried to fall asleep on this night.

When Friday mercifully arrived at a time I needed her to figure some things out on my own. she texted me.

9:36 a.m.

“Good morning! I’ll be leaving DP at 10! C u in a bit!”

I tried not to let her announced departure time that should have been her arrival time bother me, but I began to think negatively on a Halloween day I used to really love growing up. We were now going into our twelfth month as it was hard to believe how fast the year had flown by with her in my life. As much pain, it brought me at this time, it was the price I had to pay at times to feel the greatest happiness I ever had. Love was the elixir to all of life’s pain and now with my mother sick, I felt a need for Anya even more, as it made me realize all I fought for her to have. I didn’t want her to end up like my mother, and I felt Anya was on the same path because of the stressful life she lived. I know she did it for her kids, everything she did was for them, but I didn’t want Katie and Andrew to lose their mother earlier than they ever should. Anya was healthy on the outside but on the inside, I believed she was slowly eroding, and I felt if she stayed, the erosion would only hasten. I didn’t want her to experience anything my mother already did, and the risk of pressuring her now potentially increased.

She left me in a state of flux. I loved her so much, and although I’m not absolving myself of my role and my choice to be in her life, but it was the representations made to me about her situation, not a marriage, is what allowed me to make that choice. Not only did I love her with my heart and soul, I trusted her with them. Even though I thought it best to stop contact now, how do I do that when I loved her so much and so much uncertainty clouded me to her true intentions? Did she plan to be with me or did she not? Could I trust she was finding ways to make it happen or had she given up? To me this visit represented her resolve not to give up. To believe in the goodness of our love, not the part that hurt her kids. Now that he knew my full name, did he truly know who I was? If he had known for the last year it was me, how come he never approached me when he visited my office? Was that why he put me down the day he did visit and commented about me having an office? Is it possible that Clyde knows? Then again, he was still our client as I received no indication or any signs that was going to change. If he truly knew who I was, am I now free to love her? Should I make myself known? I hated the dishonesty but I had to let Anya dictate that particular event as I felt it was one she should remain in control of, however I needed her protection. If he knew the truth and began to tear me down to others in business, who would she protect? A lot of questions circled my mind upon her visit, one that could very well be her last as I didn’t know what to expect but the unexpected.

I wondered why she never played the card that if he told the kids about her why she wouldn’t tell the kids about him? It seemed she had as much firepower as he did, but she actually loved the person as opposed to running around for shits and grins. If he played the kids card, why didn’t she use her hand at all? She told me I was pressuring her and she doesn’t want to give up on us. I’m in love with her and I wasn’t ready to give up on us, not even close, as I felt I needed to give her the time she needed to figure things out, but it also seemed if I didn’t go “no contact” then she would have no incentive to leave. She would only continue to sit on the fence, but the worst part about that for me was if she never contacted me again, I would never believe in love again. Then again, if she truly loved me, and I believed she did, she would find a way to be with me. The absolute truth was I couldn’t take a downgrade to “friend” after all we shared. It felt like a demotion to me, and not an act of love, or a method to get closer to me, but further away. if you truly wanted to be with someone, was there such a thing as pressure? I felt her relegation of me to friend discounted the depth of all we shared, all the feelings I had for her, and I reasoned was ultimately why I had to sever all contact after she visited. I didn’t want to be known as “just a friend” as that was not what I signed up for, and she knew that from the beginning. As much as I loved her, as hard as it would be, a near impossibility, I had to let her go and see if she came back.

Two hours later, after she left my apartment, another great visit in the books, I realized I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t punish her. I loved her too much. Halloween was my favorite “holiday” for me as a kid. My parents let me create a haunted house every year and I had a lot of fun scaring the kids and watching little ones become brave all at once. I didn’t care for candy much, but I enjoyed being someone else, anything else, other than me for a day. I think that was what appealed to me most about Halloween, but by far, I was myself this Halloween and it was by far the best one I ever had simply because of Anya. She made an already fun day like Halloween, one that lost its luster as I grew older, fun again. When she left my place that day, I felt like I had been transported to the days of being a kid, where love and wonder reigned, and responsibility and pressure waned. Before I could speak a word, to tell her of my plans, when she arrived her lips crash landed into mine, and I couldn’t help but meet them as I could sense the happiness and relief she felt that she was with me. She told me this week seemed to last forever, and I felt it in her touch. The way she loved me today, without any reservation, without any hint of a separation told me, I was her need, not a luxury, and I loved her way too much to take it away from her. She deserved the best of both worlds in my eyes as over time I believed she would eventually disembark from the one she didn’t need. Days after her husband confronted her about me, with accurate data, she loved me like she never did before. Not only was it the best Halloween, but the bet day I ever had. She came with two large Tupperware bowls full of the soup she made me, the kindest most thoughtful gesture I ever received from another human being. She then handed me a box of pumpkin biscotti to have after my soup for dessert, another thoughtful gesture in a day full of them. We made it to my room and did our usual things as if we didn’t miss a beat, her eyes full of love and hope, more than I’ve ever seen or felt from her, at the most critical time in our relationship. Instead of letting her go, I apologized for everything I put her through with my reaction about her leaving as we talked face to face about her husband’s confrontation. She joked she was being followed and her phone being “tapped”, but with Jackson’s political aspirations and reputation on the line, I wouldn’t have put it past him. After Jackson confronted her, I thought she would pull away even more, but she did the exact opposite, she came closer and gave me more of herself, as I found it to be a bigger step toward us than ever before. When she left my apartment that day, as I pulled her back into bed with me like I always did when she tried to leave, I felt she planned to leave him more than ever, and not only that, I felt it could happen at any time. If he couldn’t trust her, what was there to left to salvage after all the hurt he had put her through over the years? To see Anya’s smile and to feel her warmth, her love, and even her friendship, gave me the strength and ample evidence she wanted to be well; she wanted to be happy and liberated from his mentally abusive ways. To know Anya was to know she was a great mother. To know Anya was to know she loved her kids and would never hurt them in anyway. To know Anya was to know she would only visit me if she loved me.

I texted her to say thank you for the tomato soup and pumpkin biscotti, and that I couldn’t wait for dinner this evening.

1:50 p.m.

“U don’t have to thank me because it was my pleasure. You’re going to laugh at me for this but you know to heat up the soup right? I miss u, I love u.”

ME: “You mean after I take it out of the freezer?”

ANYA: “What? Call me!”

“You’re kidding, right?” she said as she picked up the phone.

“About what?” I said to go keep my soup prep discussion going because I missed her.

“What is the soup doing in the freezer, babe?”

“I don’t know.” I joked. “Should I ask it?”

“Babe! Stop it!”

“After I take it out of the freezer…I’m supposed to heat it up?”

“It’s not supposed to be in the freezer!”

“I thought it was Cheezits soup though…and you told me Cheezits taste better that way.”

“You told me that! And it’s tomato soup! It’s going to taste like water if you put it in the freezer!”

“Good thing I didn’t put it in the freezer then!” I said. “But do I really need to heat it up though?”

“You’re killing me!”

“Love you, babe.”

“I love you too!” she said. “I’m listening to my Air Supply CD right now.”

“You know, I hate to admit this being a guy, but I really like Air Supply.”

“I’ve been listening to them a lot lately. Journey and Foreigner too.”

“I love Journey and Foreigner.” I said. “It’s nice to know I have an actual face to put to their songs now.”

“I think of you when I listen, too. Although they’re old songs, they never meant a thing to me until now.” she said. “I would love to go to a concert with you one day.”

“I’d totally go with you to see any of those bands.”

Before I met Anya, not that I was angry, just a little disgusted with the world, I listened mostly to hard rock, but with Anya in my life, she opened up a whole new music world to me and I loved every song she introduced me too as listening gave my soul such life. To have the same musical taste was something I gave up on having in common with a love interest, but with Anya, we would never have a disagreement in music we wanted to listen to, whether on a long road trip or on an alarm clock in the morning. Another reason it hurt whenever we separated, as songs I never knew before I met her, had an effect on me whenever my ears took them in.

“Babe, can I ask you a question I meant to ask you today?” I asked.

“Of course.”

“Your husband claims a friend of mine told him who I was, and he’s known for a year.” I said. “I thought maybe it was Mitch but how would he know what your husband looks like?”

“He wouldn’t know Special Ed.” she said. “I think he’s lying that a friend of yours told him. Carolyn thinks he’s lying too.”

“Did he ever say my full name to you?”

“No…he said it was Landyn L, so I assumed he did.”

It was a relief to hear from her that she didn’t buy Jackson’s story, and it only widened the gap between them. Even Carolyn didn’t believe him, and that meant a lot for me to know as well.

On the night of Halloween, my favorite day of the year, I didn’t care about costumes and masks but the soup that awaited me in my kitchen. After I heated it up, as lovingly instructed, I sat down and dipped my spoon in. When it exited my mouth, I couldn’t believe soup could taste so good. It was as authentic as tomato soup could be and left you wanting even more. After I finished my soup and smiled when there was still a few nights worth left for me, I texted Anya to ask her an important question.

6:57 p.m.

“Thank you! That’s so sweet! Of course, I made it babe! I love you!”

No doubt she put her heart and soul into the soup’s recipe as she perfected it beyond perfection, by far the best soup I ever tasted in my life. Then I decided to try a pumpkin biscotti she bought me, and I could have eaten the entire box in one sitting. I now knew and loved another part of her, another thing we had in common, the same taste buds, as I dreamed more about being together. At a time I needed her love the most, she came through and it gave me more hope than I ever had for us, especially after Jackson’s ill-advised confrontation.

I called my mom later that evening to see how she was doing, and she seemed to be back to her usual spunky self. I couldn’t help but share the news of my day with her and the soup Anya made me as I told her I would bring some for her to try. My mother never ate horribly bad, but I’m sure if she had grown up with healthy food, like the soup Anya had prepared for me, she might have been able to stave off the Cancer, but she grew up poor and ate only what her family could afford. If Anya could turn her tomato soup recipe into a tomato sauce, I would probably give spaghetti a try again one day, but I wasn’t going to press her on it.

After I got off the phone with my mother, I began to resign that my Halloween night would be spent at home this year, and with it being a Friday night, I preferred it that way since there would be a lot of people out since it fell on the weekend. Anya planned to go to a neighborhood Halloween party so I didn’t want to bug her as the beauty of the day got me through the darkness without her, but she still found a way to not make me feel so lonely.

7:52 p.m.

“Boo!”

ME: “Ahhhhhh! Why did you have to scare me like that?”

ANYA: “Ha! Whatcha doin?”

ME: “Just sitting here thinking about today. How much it meant to me to see you again. Counting down the hours until I can have your soup again. What r u up to?”

ANYA: “Well just left the party b/c no one is at my house to pass out candy and I felt bad. I pass out the “King size” and I get repeat offenders every year.”

ME: “Oh I see. That’s very sweet of you to think of them.”

ANYA: “I didn’t want to disappoint the little guys! I miss you terribly.”

ME: “I miss you terribly, too. We had a great time together.”

ANYA: “Yes we did! You were so yummy and delicious! I couldn’t get enough! I love you forever!”

ME: “You were yummier than the soup and that’s saying a lot! I love you forever!”

ANYA: “Ha! On my way back to my neighbor’s. Left candy out for the kids. I love u babe. Goodnight. I miss you. Happy Halloween.”

In my eyes, it was the best Halloween I ever had, and it wasn’t even close. All because of one beautiful person as I realized I experienced the best days of my life because I spent it with her.

The first day of November fell on a Saturday, as I heard from her for the first time later than usual, as it brought back memories of her silence.

11:26 a.m.

“It’s raining here.”

ME: “It’s raining here too. How r u? I miss you.”

ANYA: “I’m fine babe. How r u? I miss you too.”

ME: “I’m good. Have to do an interim inventory count this morning for a client.

I’m counting pieces of wood. It’s not much fun.”

ANYA: “Uh yeah. Boring! Sorry! I had a great time yesterday. Can’t believe I just saw you yesterday! Redundant but it feels like days.”

ME: “Tell me about it! I want to fall asleep! It was the best Halloween I ever had. Thanks for coming by and making it special for me. It’s hard to believe I just saw you yesterday too. I had a dream of you, but I really wasn’t sleeping. If that makes any sense.”

ANYA: “Ha ha! You have to fall asleep to dream!”

ME: “I guess I dream of you all the time even when I’m awake! I love you that much.”

ANYA: “I love you so much too. It was comforting to be in your arms again. I miss you.”

ME: “It meant everything to have you back in them.”

ANYA: “Well, have a good day at work counting wood chips! Jk! On my way to grab a Chunky! I love you!”

For her to find comfort being in my arms again meant a lot for me to hear. It told me how much her need to feel truly loved meant to her, and I needed to know that. On a day I planned to give her a lot more space, her love eliminated a plan I devised to kill myself as it was comforting to know, and feel, how much I meant to her. That I wasn’t a luxury but a need, and even though I didn’t hear back from her for the rest of this day, I was fine with it, because her love made me feel secure even as I missed her like never before.

The next day her morning text brought me hope.

8:22 a.m.

“Good morning. How r u? Hope u had a nice evening. Walked in the rain again this morning. Naturally I thought of you. Having a hard time. I really miss u.”

ME: “You made me fall in love with the rain. I really miss u too. This isn’t easy.”

ANYA: “I know baby. I love you.”

Rainy days had a different feel to them. I never liked them. Despised them actually but having Anya made me want to go inside my bed and just listen to the rain fall against my window and imagine she was in my arms. The rain falling outside. Her soft skin against mine. Her distinct aroma. It all just defined the most perfect day for me now. Made me fall in love with the world, in the wing of an angel. After I slept in for another hour, saddened by not having her near me, I decided to continue my “jeans” shopping at the mall. I had lost twenty pounds since I met Anya simply because I just ate better and continued to work out five nights a week. While at the mall though, a person approached me to say hello who I didn’t recognize for a few minutes before it dawned on me it was Anya’s ex-friend, Flora. I was surprised she even recognized me simply because she had only seen me one time before, almost a year ago. We spoke briefly then departed and when Anya texted me, I told her the news.

2:26 p.m.

“No way! What did she say? Do u know Allison?”

ME: “She just told me she was doing well. I was surprised she even remembered me. Does she think we’re still seeing each other? I don’t know Allison.”

ANYA: “She doesn’t know that we still talk. She thinks it all ended when the SE thing went down in January.”

ME: “Oh, I didn’t know. I didn’t say anything but hello to her. You told me she might “dig” so I was aware of that and didn’t mention anything. I didn’t want to be rude or make it seem like I’m avoiding her because then she would know we still talk because how would I be aware you and her had a fall out?”

ANYA: “You did the right thing babe. If she tells me she ran into you I’m going to act dumb. Did u go shopping or to lunch? My soup is too old now and you should dump it.”

ME: “I went shopping and had lunch as well. Really? I should dump your soup? I only have a little left over.”

ANYA: “Oh I c. Work clothes? Idk I usually don’t keep food longer than 3 days. I made it Thursday evening. It’s not like it’s meat based and going to go bad. It just loses its freshness, that’s all. I miss u terribly.”

ME: “I don’t usually care for “leftovers” but your soup is an exception. I left the mall. Decided to come home. I miss you terribly too.”

ANYA: “Why? U didn’t c anything you liked?”

ME: “I’m really picky about jeans. I have a short torso and long legs. I’m just not in the mood to try them on.”

ANYA: “Really? That’s ok. U know what you like!”

ME: “I’ve lost at least 20 pounds since the last time I bought a pair of jeans. Most of my pants don’t fit me anymore.”

ANYA: “20 lbs.? Ur pants must be falling off!”

ME: “Thank God for my belt!”

ANYA: “No way! And you’re picky about how pants look on you? Dude you need to get some new clothes! How do u think u look in pants too big for u? Sorry.”

The tone of her texts made me feel she was upset at something. Anya didn’t text nor did she ever talk like this. I had a different body type and buying pants were always a chore, and mostly the reason why I stopped shopping for them. I then began to wonder if maybe Flora talking to me at the mall irritated her. That maybe she didn’t believe my interaction with her went the way I told her it did. Or maybe the terrible feeling of missing someone had started to take a real toll and distracted her again from the kids. I didn’t respond to her text as I really didn’t know how to answer as it seemed to be a putdown, without a hint of the understanding I usually received from her.

2:38 p.m.

“Sorry did I overstep my boundaries?”

ME: “I have a question. Did you ever tell Flora you were in love with me?”

An hour later, I received a response from her.

3:29 p.m.

“Yes.”

ME: “I was just curious.”

Nearly another hour passed when she sent me another text.

4:17 p.m.

“I love you.”

I responded in kind as it seemed she struggled mightily on this day, more than usual. What her tone relayed to me was frustration over the whole situation. Here she was at home missing me “terribly” and a friend, one she is not happy with, was able to talk and see me without a care. Regardless of how innocuous the conversation was, it had to hurt her in some way. I didn’t want to assume this is how she felt. I could be wrong, but it was how I felt everyday, whether consciously or subconsciously. It upset me that any Bill, Tom or John on the street could walk right past her, even say hello and interact without fear, and I couldn’t. I found myself trapped inside a eight hundred square foot holding cell because going outside only made me depressed. It’s why I came home from the mall early. I just wanted to crash on my bed and wake up when the time came to see her again as she became all that mattered to me, not my career, not my million dollar a year payday, but Anya. To save her from the same misery that engulfed me.

That night after she said goodnight to me, at around midnight, I sent her a text in an attempt to be empathetic to how she may have felt today.

ME: “Hi babe. I hope you have your fone off. I don’t know if this is true or not, but I hope I didn’t make you sad by telling you that Flora saw me at the mall today. I really wasn’t thinking how that might have affected you. I started to think about it, and at least for myself, I always want to see you so bad and I get sad when I think about how other people do and I can’t. Like the guy who walks by you in the store or rings your groceries up. The guy who takes your money so you can fill your gas tank up.Those people get to see you, the woman I love who loves me too, and I can’t and it bums me out when I think about it. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I wasn’t really thinking if that would affect you or not. When I take into consideration you are having a hard time and missing me terribly, I feel that was inconsiderate of me to tell you. I don’t know but if it did make you sad babe, I’m very sorry. I missed you tons last night and today babe. I’m going through a really hard time. I’m thinking positive and I’m just looking at it as an opportunity for me to show you further how much I love you. Ur my best friend babe. Sorry if that hurt you today. U r always on my mind. I love you forever.”

After I sent her the text, I felt better and was able to sleep off any negative emotions I felt earlier. Anya didn’t waste any time in her response as she texted me earlier than I could remember she did before.

4:38 a.m.

“Hope ur fone is off now cuz it’s early. No not at all. It didn’t bum me out. I’m glad you told me about Flora. I know it’s a hard time and I miss u greatly.”

4:44 a.m.

“Ur my best friend too babe and u never escape my mind. I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused. I love you forever.”

When I turned on my phone the next morning to her texts, it warmed my heart as it gave me the strength to face the day, this third one of November. Anya then sent me a “good morning” text, but it was quick, one of those that usually left me to wonder if she was unsettled. When she asked me if she could call me during my lunch hour, I felt the worst, especially after such a great meeting we had a couple days earlier as I feared anything negative and my reaction to it. As badly as I wanted to hear her voice, I reluctantly agreed to it, due to the dread it likely carried. Throughout the morning, I could not accomplish a single thing at work as the unfinished engagements began to pile up. I had become so engrossed in our relationship, and what it meant to me and my life, I lost my focus and drive. At a time, I really couldn’t afford to. Now that Jackson claimed to know my full name, I waited for Clyde to come into my office to tell me the news as every second of the day that passed brought that possibility. If we lost Jackson’s business, I would undoubtedly lose my promotion, and if that happened, I would have to end my hopes, wishes and dreams too. I couldn’t allow her to leave if I lost the promotion. It wasn’t about love but about her children. I couldn’t care for them the way I hoped to care for them. I couldn’t care for her the way I hoped to care for her. There would be a huge drop off than what they were used to, and their security and the relationship with their mother would suffer for our “love”. It wouldn’t be an act of love on my part if I pushed her to leave her marriage, and her kids behind, if I lost my promotion. When I phoned her on my lunch break, and I escaped the office without an ill-fated appearance from Clyde, I was able to have the best heart to heart discussion with her about all I felt about Jackson’s confrontation.

“I miss you terribly, Landyn.” she said. “It’s unbearable sometimes.”

“I know the feeling.” I said. “Then you sent me a text, and we share a laugh and I feel better. Sometimes that’s all it takes is a little communication with each other when we experience those strong moments of sadness.”

“My interaction with my husband has been minimal.” she volunteered. “I want to ask him about who your friend is, but I don’t want to go there.”

“I understand. How do you think he found out my full name?” I asked. “Do you think he tapped your phone?”

“I don’t know. He could have followed me. He could have hired a private investigator. He definitely could have tapped my phone too.”

“I guess everything and anything is on the table when he has the money to do those things.” I said. “Please forgive me for being curious about who the friend is. It’s just so strange if that’s the case. He has to be lying about that. Hiring a private investigator makes the most sense to me.”

“He knew about the time I dropped Katie off at the Bat Mitzvah and went to see you.” she revealed. “So, he claims.”

“How did he pull that off without following you or without hiring a private investigator?”

“He claims it was intuition.”

Her word “intuition” brought a tear to my eye. It meant a lot to me, in this situation, that she couldn’t hide her feelings for me from him. I never agreed to the dishonesty of this relationship. I thought it would change when she fell in love with me, but I was here now by default, out of love. I needed to know she was a genuine person. I needed to know she had enough character to have a hard time in hiding this from him, and she did. He knew she was no longer the same woman he married. He knew she cared for someone, great enough to leave her own daughter at a Bat Mitzvah just so she could see me. And although I was told Katie didn’t want her mom there, Jackson would never see it that way. He couldn’t and it dawned on me why he waited an entire year to say anything to her; because he thought she would eventually come back to him, as he always viewed me as a much lesser man than he was. That Anya’s interest in me, in us, would fade away once she realized I could never measure up, but as time passed, he started to realize, more than he ever believed he would, that I had more to offer her simply because I provided to Anya the things money could never buy such as honor, respect and loyalty. I built her up, and never shamed her. I wanted the best for her, and not the second best. I truly cared about her happiness over my own. More than anything, I gave her something all his money never could, I taught her what love was, and that it truly existed for her. And she believed in it, nothing more than her show of love when she dropped her daughter off to spend the evening with me. Jackson was up against the ropes and we now entered the late rounds, both of us fatigued, but neither of us willing to accept defeat as we held on to our haymakers, but only one of us knew the truth behind what we were both fighting for.

“When you tell me that. It makes me really proud of you, babe.”

“Really? Proud? How so?”

“Because it shows me you’ve changed. You’re no longer the same woman you were before you met me.” I said. “Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want it to be so obvious he finds out and is able to use that against you, but it’s good to know you’re a good person who can’t hide what you feel for me from him. That’s something I can trust in, and I need that sometimes. To know you’re too genuine, and have so much character that you’re unable to hide your true feelings for me from him. I think it’s a positive step toward the truth. That you’re just an honest person in a dishonest situation, like me.”

“He knows he’s on thin ice.” she said.

“He put himself on thin ice.” I said. “I don’t hate your husband. I think he’s a good father but I only dislike him as your husband. There was this one time you told me something and you felt guilty about it, you followed it with “I’m a mother”. I thought it was a desperate plea to not be found out by your kids, but it was the pain he caused you over the years that has driven you here. I don’t like him because he took a woman who was first and foremost “a mother” and drove a mother and the wife of his two children into the arms of another man that made her question how good of a mother she really is when there is no question she is the best mother there is. In my eyes, to drive someone to the point where they felt compelled to pursue relationships with other men, told me all I needed to know about him. As a father, I have all the respect in the world for him, but none as your husband. He’s a good provider. Hey, that’s great! He did his job! He’s a good father…that’s fantastic. Again, he’s supposed to be a good father. Katie and Andrew didn’t ask to be here. The least you could do is give them the things they need to live here. But he is not a good husband. Being a good husband was his duty as well as being a good father.”

“Thank you. I’m not going to bash him though, babe.” she said.

“That’s fine, because the infidelities without real remorse tells me all I need to know about him anyway.” I said. “He let this go on for a year because he’s afraid to rock the boat? If he was afraid to rock the boat wouldn’t he have just kept this to himself? Do you know why I think he let this go on, babe? Because he wants to make you look bad. He wants you to get caught so he can tell the kids “hey look at what Mom did to Sad”. As if Dad, never contributed to mom’s actions.”

“I agree babe.” she said. ‘I wish I could see you, but it would defeat the purpose of what I’m trying to do.”

Even though I was taken aback but what she said after she defeated the purpose only two days ago, I decided to let it go and had fun with it instead.

“Well, if you’re ever up for defeating the purpose, let me know.” I responded.

“Oh, I will!” she said as we both laughed heartily.

“Oh, I know you will! That’s why I love you so much.”

“I love you very much too. Thank you for sticking up for me.”

“Always.”

“I listened to David Gray this morning. It made me feel close to you.”

“Every time I hear his piano in “This Year’s Love” it reminds me of the rain and the night I met you and the girls in Cerritos.” I said. “And we ended up kissing in the rain and when we got inside of your car we kissed more. Such a great moment.”

“I remember.” she said. “I loved that night.”

The more I talked with her about that time, the more I realized how many memories we already had after just eleven months, and we weren’t even free to see each other like most couples were able to.

When I hung up the phone, I was relieved our conversation was far from what I believed it would be. Later that evening, when I got home after a fruitless day from work but one with no conversations with Clyde, she texted me.

5:35 p.m.

“Can u believe it’s only 5:30? It feels so late.”

ME: “Hard to believe! It feels like it’s at least 8. I loved our phone call today. I love how much the simple things brings us so much happiness. That so many of life’s simple pleasures makes us happy.”

ANYA: “I know babe. It’s all about tea, soups, books, rain and cuddling. All the things we like! I’m glad I got to hear your voice. I love you too.”

ME: “I love you too. In fact, I’m having the last of your soup for dinner!”

ANYA: “I’m having tea and pumpkin biscotti!

ME: “I think I will copy you! What kind of tea are you having?”

ANYA: “Earl Grey but very light. Took the bag out after a couple of seconds. Don’t want the caffeine to keep me up.”

ME: “Thanks for the tip!”

It’s all about “tea, soups, books, rain and cuddling” was as true as the sun in an afternoon sky. If any two people could find such enjoyment in those simple things together, I thought how could the Universe not want to see them together? For this man to find “cuddling” more than tolerable with someone, as I was certain my male friends would have fun with this one if they knew, I don’t know how I’d ever find that with someone else. I loved sex but just having her in my arms made me feel pure euphoria. After all the years I searched for this kind of love, how crazy to know it found me. Tea and soups couldn’t possibly taste better than with her. Books were more interesting to read when she shared them with me. She made me fall in love with the rain, and even cuddling was a need. The scary thing was, we had barely skimmed the surface of all the things we had in common and could do together as I dreamt of being with her on a daily basis. Was Jackson going to really hold on and fight for her if he knew she loved someone for almost a year? He even suspected she was seeing Lance. What was he truly fighting for? Her unhappiness? I’m sure he loved his kids. I’m sure his fight was for them, but it lacked real nobility simply because of the emotional and mental abuse he levied on their own mother which drove her into another man’s arms. If he really wanted to cement himself into the hearts and minds of his kids, he would teach them that mutual love and mutual respect is the foundation of marital bliss, not money and things. I knew his ego played a role as well. He had many constituents who believed he had a loyal loving wife and perfect marriage, but would he had rather them learn the truth through him or through me? He had an obligation to teach his kids what love and a real marriage based on mutual respect and trust was. He had an obligation to be honest with the public who perceived him to be perfect. I felt he had an opportunity to do the right thing, to let his wife go, so she could be happy, because even Jackson was unhappy, so why not come clean so happiness could win? He could build again with truth, rather than compound his political aspirations with lies.

Early the next morning, an election day Tuesday, Anya sent me a text.

8:26 a.m.

“I miss u and love u.”

ME: “I miss u and love u too. How r u?”

ANYA: “Still having a hard time. How r u?”

ME: “I’m hanging in there. Are u in bed? It’s raining.”

ANYA: “In bed? I wish! It’s not raining here now. Was up early. So far gym, coffee w/the girls, made hot breakfast, voted, kickboxed and bank. Working at home now.”

All I did was roll out of bed for work and voted while Anya basically put a whole day in before nine a.m. Although I never told Anya, I voted for Obama. There was so much turmoil in the world at the time and a lot of the world blamed us for it, and I felt Obama was a good face for the country to have to soothe out the world’s differences with us. He was eloquent, classy and well spoken. I thought we needed a change from the Bush administration who gave me the impression he was out to destroy to build with contract work for privileged American businesses. I wanted honest business dealings, not ones that seemed preferred as Cheney’s Haliburton profited off the Iraq war when they eradicated a dictator who kept the country together. I was pro-business as I felt it stimulated the economy however not in the manner in which there was no real competition and the opportunity was created by false public information. After the Iraq war, a war I initially supported because of the “war on terror”, and I hated politics anyway, I began to see the impact government had and how it manipulated the public so it could gain the will of the people based on misleading and false information. I felt Obama was the better candidate to come in there and get things straightened out. I just lost more faith in politics and the people behind them. How the political landscape catered to the narcissistic personalities, those who craved power as I now wanted government to have less of a role in deciding for the public. Although, Obama was a democrat and his party generally advocated for more government, I felt a better republican candidate and ticket would come along next time around, and that Obama was capable of giving us a better image and representation of us to the world. I didn’t tell Anya I voted for him because I knew she was republican, and although she never said a bad word about Obama, I just thought I’d keep my selection to myself.

Later that evening, while I worked late to catch up on my fruitless prior day, Anya texted me.

7:23 p.m.

“200-135 Obama. We’ll c!”

Obama was up big in the Electoral College, but it was still pretty early when Anya texted me the count, as the bigger states would be reported later. The rest of the evening was quiet from her as I didn’t know if she was with neighbors, or if Jackson threw an election night party as it seemed he would do such a thing. At any rate, it bummed me out I didn’t hear from her for the rest of the evening as overall the day seemed unusually quiet, and it was something I didn’t quite understand, but I hated politics anyway so I went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up to the news of the final results when Anya texted me her thoughts at a really early time.

4:34 a.m.

“Did you get to watch the acceptance speech? I admit it was pretty good. He was mellow and humble. I don’t have a problem w/him just annoyed by ignorant people.”

I understood what she meant by being annoyed by ignorant people. People who probably failed history in high school but though they knew everything about how the world works. It amazed me how many of these people existed in our country. People who I felt envied without the will to work hard and make sacrifices for the things others had, as if people who had more were given it, as if they never earned it. Even though I drove a nice car, people looked at me with judgment where I went with it, even if they knew I owned it, and it was the cheapest model available. They didn’t know I leased it. They didn’t know I drove much lesser cars for years. They only wanted to see things the way they wanted to see them so they could bask in their self-righteousness. I never envied what others had. I believed if I worked hard, I would have nice things if that’s what I wanted, but I never judged anyone. Never cared what anyone else drove. I believed the ignorant people were self-absorbed people in denial. They made huge mistakes in their life, such as having kids out of wedlock, then demanded the government pay for those kids, essentially through the taxpayers. Why would anyone have kids they couldn’t afford boggled my mind and for them to have the audacity to judge me for the things I had simply because I made the decision to get my life in order so I wouldn’t bring my kids up in poverty, is beyond ignorance, it was hatred. These were the people Anya referred to. The ones who believed we lived in a socialist or communist country, not one founded on capitalism. The ones who didn’t hold themselves accountable for the decisions they made for the situations they currently found themselves in. These people were part of the democratic party, and why I identified myself as a republican. My mother was a democrat, but in the way these people were not, so I sided with my mother this time around.

I sent her a very short text in response. I didn’t wish her a “good morning” and didn’t ask her how she was. As ridiculous as this might sound, I didn’t understand why she didn’t send me a “goodnight” text. I wasn’t going to pressure her. I wasn’t going to ask why. I just pictured the scene last night surrounded by friends, co-workers, neighbors, businessmen, and political constituents acting like the perfect married couple, and it made me sick. My low self-esteem began to rear its head once again as I wondered why she loved me. She could pretty much be with the “who’s who” and the “best of the best”, and I felt the reason she stayed in touch with me was because she felt sorry for me, and not out of love. She just seemed different since our last meeting as once again, I began to fear this was an attempt to eradicate me from her life, to find a way out. The more I thought this way, the more it seemed to make sense. She made me feel like somebody just to make me feel like a nobody. To make matters worse I had a dream of her getting into my bed wearing powder blue panties and a bra. When I woke up from the dream surrounded by darkness, it depressed me deeply, it out me in a really bad spot emotionally. After she told me it would “defeat the purpose” I now missed without knowing if I’d ever see her again and it killed me mentally as once again I knew my workload would begin to pile up once more.

Anya seemed to be taken aback by my short text response but I felt manipulated and fooled as I tried to hide to fight my true feelings and fear.

7:42 a.m.

“How r u?”

ME: “I’m ok. How r u?”

ANYA: “I’m ok too. Well I was going to go into work today but I have to work on getting a letter out to all our tenants and property management companies so I’ll be working on that from home. I guess I’ll go in tomorrow morning.”

I didn’t really want to know any work-related things she did for Jackson. I know it was for the good of her children, and I respected that, but I felt she tried to pull away and working for him was where she wanted to be, and it unsettled me. It bothered me to think I was a distraction to her kids. I felt I gave her a ton of time to spend with her children, and that I had sacrificed a lot of time I could spend with her because she was with them. Then, I started to backtrack and thought it didn’t matter if she talked to me or not, she was distracted because I was always on her mind and that seemed to make the most sense to me.

ME: “How r things going for you at home overall these days? Do you feel you’ve been there more for the kids than a couple of weeks ago?”

ANYA: “I’m really trying to be there w/and for the kids. Of course, you never escape my mind and I long for you.”

ME: “It’s important for you, and even us, that you do that babe. I long for you too. By the way, I had a hot dream about you last night.”

ANYA: “Do tell!”

ME: “You were over my place and when you took off your clothes, you were in a powder blue bra and panties. You had this huge smile and you came into my bed and pulled the covers over us, but then I woke up to a darkened room. It seemed so real!”

ANYA: “Ha! Powder blue? Ok I’m going shopping for a powder blue bra and bottom! JK! How sweet babe!”

After our morning conversation, I felt better before I headed to the office. On my lunch break, Anya texted me again, as it seemed she was back to the Anya that believed in our love.

12:59 p.m.

“I miss u. I hope you’re having a good day.”

ME: “I am now. I miss you too. How’s your day going?”

ANYA: “I’m still stuffing. Over 1,200 letters to stuff. It was actually a commissioned job for the kids to do over the weekend but never got done. They’re fired!”

ME: “Oh boy, they are totally fired! Where were they?”

ANYA: “Andrew worked on his wallet business all weekend w/his partner and Katie was MIA socializing!”

ME: “That’s kids for you!”

ANYA: “They just don’t have the same work ethics I tell ya! Andrew did change his website and made “homemade” business cards. It’s hilarious! You have to check it out! I better get back to stuffing. I love you!”

ME: “Would love to! I love you too!”

The rest of the day I had trouble getting any work done. I turned my chair around and got up from it to look out the window at all the life below me, this time, without a smile on my face. I don’t know if it was a combination of my mother’s illness, my rising stress level at work, and Anya’s indecision but I felt sad, as I didn’t feel lonely but alone. As I looked down upon the cars that drove on the freeway, the streets and people who walked on the sidewalks, I felt more removed from them than ever before. I began to envy their problems, if they had any, instead of my own as I began to realize a part of me, that used to be a part of them, had died, never to be recovered again. I felt like a mental paraplegic, who lost the use of a part of his brain, a demolished receptor of adrenaline I needed to move forward as for the first time my drive, something that really defined me as a person, seemed lost and unrecoverable. I was mentally exasperated over everything as I couldn’t pinpoint it, but everything just depressed me but in a manner, I never experienced before.

As I stared in space at my computer screen, I decided to get up and walk outside to use the restroom, but on my way back I found a secluded hall, I never knew existed, outside the office and began to read my old text messages from Anya I saved since July. I didn’t know where to turn as I felt so hopeless and at the mercy of the universe, when I received a text from her.

3:28 p.m.

“I love you.”

ME: “I love you too.”

And then another as I began to tear up affected by her timing.

3:30 p.m.

“I love you forever.”

ME: “I love you forever.”

I began to smile and realized the Universe watched over me. The timing of her text in the middle of all I felt couldn’t have happened without the help of something beyond my sight and consciousness. As I tucked my phone away and walked back to my office, with a smile that reached across my face, the drive within returned, until I reached my destination and realized Clyde there in the doorway.

“Landyn.” he said as I could feel my heart pound inside my chest. “We need to talk.”