“There are no impossible dreams.
There are no invisible seams.
Each night when the day is through.
I don’t ask much. I just want you.”
”I Just Want You” ~ Ozzy Osbourne
Anya lived about twenty-five minutes from me, but even if she lived two hours away I would have jumped in my car to see if I could help her find Andrew. For her not to respond at all was too bizarre for nothing to be wrong. I took the 405 Freeway and drove as fast as I could to the marina where the annual Christmas boat parade was held. I went one time when I was younger, and it was pretty cool to see all the yachts and boats adorned in Christmas lights as they cruised through the harbor. I knew the event drew thousands of people from all over so it would be hard for Anya to locate Andrew. I remembered what he looked like through the various pics of him she shared with me so it left me with confidence I could spot him.
The image of Anya and Andrew both distressed, apart from each other and in tears fueled my drive to bring them together. Anya was likely with her friends who could comfort her, but who comforted poor Andrew who was lost in the dark among total strangers? In this crazy day and age, who knew what could happen to him as I hoped no worst case scenarios took place.
When I reached boat parade central, I slowly cruised down the main strip, north and then south a couple of times, with my eyes peeled for him. When that yielded no results, I then parked my car and walked among the crowd in search of him. With every step, I wondered what I would do if I found him. I couldn’t pick him up and drive him over to Anya’s home. Hell, I couldn’t even tell him who I was. In fact, I didn’t know how it would pan out of I found him, but I would probably follow him to make sure he was okay, protect him in any way I had to, and then text Anya to make her aware of his whereabouts. Then, hopefully, she would show up and this “Good Samaritan” could just walk away. Andrew’s safety trumped my fears at this point. After two fruitless hours passed, and the crowd dissipated into a few drunken stragglers, I decided to get in my car and head home. Before I started the engine, my phone’s red light began to blink.
ANYA: “Yes thank u. Home now watching Poly on TV. Football.”
I smiled and breathed a sigh of relief he was safe and Anya was relieved, but after a minute passed, something stung inside as it hurt to know this text came two and half hours later. Didn’t she know I cared? That just like her, I fell in love with them too? After all the things she shared with me about her kids, it took her over two hours to tell me he was home? Didn’t she think I’d worry? The last five days of silence on the phone, after we became closer than ever, had now gotten the best of me. I could no longer deny I truly lived through her. Even cared about her happiness above my own because I trusted all she ever told me that allowed me to be entrenched in her life, and she couldn’t respond to me after she found Andrew? For the last five days I fought hard to understand her silence, but I just couldn’t understand this particular silence because it brought me the most loneliness.
ME: “Ok. Good. I was worried. I drove out looking for you. Goodnight babe.”
ANYA: “What? You did?”.
ME: “You didn’t respond. I feared the worst.”
ANYA: “OMG! I’m so sorry.”
ME: “No worries! I just drove up and down Toledo street a few times and walked through the marina to take a chance of running into you. I remember what your son looks like from his website pic and the pics you’ve shown me of him. I wanted to call but didn’t think you would answer. It’s no big deal. I just wanted to make sure everything was fine and it is.”
ANYA: “Awww hun. I’m so touched right now. I’m so sorry I worried you. Just a lot of people around me and couldn’t text u back.”
After all we’ve shared. After we grew closer than ever, she was too fearful of what the people around her might think if she sent me a quick text to let me know she found Andrew. If the people around her, at a boat parade, influenced her so much, that it mattered what they might think, if their thoughts meant more than the thoughts of the man who really cared and loved her, then maybe it was time for me to disappear from her life? If she couldn’t vouch for me, if she couldn’t respond to a simple text, and she apparently viewed them as people of more value and worth than she viewed me, the man she claimed to love, then did she really need me in her life? She already had all she needed. She could find love through another, someone who she cared more about than what her friends would think about her. In her eyes, her friends clearly meant more to her, and she valued what they thought more than I did. I could no longer ignore how this made me feel. The sting was deep enough to be real.
ME: “I’m glad he’s home safe and sound. Goodnight. I love you forever.”
ANYA: “Thank you baby. I’m so moved right now. Goodnight love. I love you forever.”
As much as I was, I didn’t want her to think I was hurt by what she did. In Anya’s defense, she didn’t ask me to go out looking for Andrew, I did that on my own. And maybe fatigue and stress added to my sensitivity about her not being able to respond to my text. I didn’t want her friends to suspect anything out of the ordinary especially during the holidays. What Anya did during the holidays she had to do, to keep the façade alive, but I was slowly realizing the façade sucked life from me I needed to survive, as I felt on life support. I walked away from her for this reason when we first met. This was the very reason why. I didn’t want to fall in love with someone only to be alone. I began to feel that Anya loved me so deeply only because she was married. Only because she had nothing to lose by doing so. Would she have loved me this much if she knew this would be her landing spot? My self-esteem didn’t think so. Here I was, back again, in a place I swore to myself I’d never be, deeply in love with someone who didn’t truly feel the same for me.
Often times a new day would allow me to see and feel differently. How many days I felt like the world’s greatest fool to feel all this negativity, to be so sensitive, but the schism between the extreme highs and extreme lows widened. I had to be true to myself if I asked Anya to do the same, and I wasn’t happy with the way she allowed my feelings to grow only to “BU” with me then expected me to just shut off my feelings and be “on” like she did. How Anya handled certain aspects of our relationship gave me the sense of a loss of control, a coldness of insanity I never felt before with anyone. I even lost sight of what was real and what was not. My thoughts went to places they didn’t want to go and were unstoppable once there.
As these negative thoughts suppressed my need to sleep, Anya sent me another text.
ANYA: “What u did tonight was the nicest thing ever babe. I’m so touched. Goodnight again.”
Her words made me feel better as it appeared she genuinely appreciated what I did, but I didn’t do anything special. Just something anyone who loved someone would do. I decided to not respond to her text, as I knew the next day she planned to visit me, and we could talk about it then if she still felt the same way. In the meantime, I now felt strong enough to sleep off the negative feelings.
The next morning, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: “Good morning! 3 p.m. ok w/u?”
ME: “Good morning! Well’ I’d prefer 3 a.m. but beggars can’t be choosers! Yes! See you at 3!”
ANYA: “Ha! See you then!”
A half hour before her visit, I took one of the Vicodin’s I took from my mother’s pill bottle in an all out effort to stave off all the feelings, all the disappointment, all the sadness and all the hopelessness the last five days filled inside me. I used the opiate to suppress my true feelings so I wouldn’t say the wrong thing to her when she arrived and ruin our day together. I noted in my journal today was our sixty eighth meeting and her thirty fifth visit to my place, as they each carried a memory all its own. The last time my eyes met hers it was the fifth of December and with this day being the fourteenth, it was nearly two weeks ago since our last meeting. As I journalized my emotions before her arrival, I struggled to put my thoughts to doc. The biggest question to me was I asked her to be true to her self but was I really being true to myself by hiding all my pain from her? I was upset, frustrated and disappointed she has not at least separated yet from Jackson, but at the same time I felt I wasn’t being fair because it wasn’t easy for her as well. I loved her to death, and wanted to see her side of things more than my own but I also needed to resolve these emotions I felt. She could say we were “BU’d” until all the farm animals on earth came home, but she knew, in her heart of hearts, we weren’t as evidenced by her visit on this day. After I put some thoughts down, I lit two candles in my room for her and then began to rehearse an imagined conversation in the mirror. I never talked to myself before as I found this particular strategy rather odd, but I guess I had some feelings that carried over from the prior evening I needed to get off my chest before she arrived. It was only a few minutes after when I received her trademark text.
ANYA: “Here.”
From the moment she arrived to the very moment she left, after I pulled her back to me a few times before I let her leave my bed, we only picked up right where we left off. As if the last five days never happened; as if we were never “BU’d” a single minute. I guess my airing out of grievances to an audience of one before she arrived helped out tremendously as we hardly came up for air during her hour visit. One conversation, in particular though, I remembered vividly.
“Sometimes I miss you so much…” Anya struggled to tell me. “I miss you so much, I get discouraged and then I get sad.”
Her revelation took me by surprise, and I only knew how to respond because I felt the same way.
“Please don’t be sad. You’re the only one in my heart and I only have room for you in there. Please don’t be afraid to lose my love.’ I said. “When I tell you “I love you forever”, I mean it. I bleed you too.”
When Anya and I were together, no matter what happened between us, no matter how sad I felt in her absence, the world spun on its axis again. She put my emotions at ease when she shared hers as she appeared to feel all I did. Whenever she shared her pain, and I saw the real struggle in her eyes, I changed my tune instantly as I became numb to the sting of the last five days of silence. I hid from her how the holidays affected me because I didn’t want them to affect her more than they already did. I guess that’s what love did though; it had no memory. It didn’t tally the wrongs, never kept score and was even willing to fall behind, even lose, at times.
Anya then left me to join her friends for her birthday party. A party that bothered me much less than it did days earlier. She then sent me a text to let me know I was on her mind.
ANYA: “I miss u.”
ME: “I miss u too. Always. R u at Charlie Palmer’s?”
ANYA: “Just having drinks now. I hope they don’t pull anything out cuz I don’t want anything.”
It then dawned on me…I needed to go out and get Anya her Christmas and birthday gift tonight. If her friends did get her something, which I believed they would. my gift would blend in with theirs so she could bring it home without fear. What to get her for Christmas though was a whole other ordeal. The last Christmas gift I bought for a girlfriend was eighteen years earlier when I dated Sara as it made me realize how unlucky in love I was.
As much I would have liked to, I knew I could not get her anything extravagant. It had to be something a love interest would never buy for her. As I walked around the mall, I found myself once again in front of a jewelry store window, but after I pulled myself away from the dream, I decided on a specialty shop that sold candles. I knew she liked them and it seemed like something she would buy for herself, or someone else would buy for her. I also picked up a box of chocolates for her, just a box of assorted See’s Candies, but y biggest challenge however remained, finding something to present them to her in. I soon found myself in a drug store in front of a section for gift bags and tissue paper. Since pink was her favorite color, I tried to find a bag to match her taste, but it was not in he cards. I then spotted and settled on a sparkled purple bag with a butterfly cut out. Fortunately, they had pink tissue paper so I could fill the void a purple butterfly bag filed to cover. I then reached out to Anya to see if she received any gifts from the girls and if after she left the restaurant I could just hand the gifts off to her.
ANYA: “I did. I wish u hadn’t. I don’t love my Bday. Still at CP.”
ME: “Well, I love your birthday! It will blend in with all the other gifts you got. I don’t know when I’ll get to see you again. I’ll just hand it off to you really quick and you can go straight home. I won’t keep you, babe. Is that ok?”
ANYA: “Ok. I’ll let you know when we’re leaving.”
I didn’t think Anya would be there too long as it was a Sunday night so I decided to drive over and hang out in the restaurant’s parking lot at a half past eight. The night had a beauty all its own to it for me as the rain fell poetically around me. I even threw in a couple of the CD’s Anya burned for me to listen to while I waited. I didn’t want her to know I was outside as I didn’t want to infringe upon her time with friends. She planned this time to spend with them, not with me, and I wanted to respect it and not intrude upon it, but to know she was close to me felt better than waiting at my apartment in an all too common anxious state. At a half past nine, after an hour passed, I texted to let her know it was raining and I hoped she had an umbrella.
ANYA: “It is? Still here.”
ME: “Yes. It’s coming down pretty good. Enjoy your time with your girlfriends, babe.”
I thought the restaurant closed earlier on Sunday nights, but when the clock struck ten thirty, I began to feel embarrassed. What if it didn’t close until midnight? I didn’t want to bug Anya at all because it would make it seem like she had to hurry up, and I had no right to expect that from her. Fifteen minutes later, however she emerged among twelve other girls as the rain forced them quickly to their cars and unable to carry on any extended conversations outside. I then flashed my lights as I was parked near her car but far away enough for them not to notice me, and as Anya got inside her car she acknowledged she knew where I was. We both sat in our cars and watched one by one, her girlfriends drive off the parking lot, and when the last one was completely out of sight, I dove near Anya’s car so I could hand off her gift. Before I could get out to do so, she jumped out of her car and into my passenger seat. We then began to kiss each other without a moment’s consideration to why I was in the parking lot to begin with, and it just warmed my heart to see she couldn’t control herself when she saw me, as if she anticipated seeing me as much as I did. She kissed my chest a few times and as she buried her head against it, I held her almost in tears to think I nearly gave this all up just a day or two ago. Being together like this cured all. When together, absolutely nothing mattered. As if nothing could ever keep us apart. Not kids. Not an authoritarian husband. Not judging friends or family. Not false perceptions. Like the rain that fell upon us, the truth reigned and rained down as it brought our love to life. Whenever I felt Anya’s love like this, a love so undeniable and real, I felt awful about all the negative thoughts I had. How could I make such assessments when the truth laid in my arms? With its beautiful head nestled in my chest? All because she went home to her kids didn’t mean she loved me any less than I loved her. The entire day, under the falling rain, brought to light all I ever believed in. That love did conquer all in the end because love was truth. What I held in my arms was the truth. Minutes I didn’t expect to have with her, she gave to me so willingly, as I knew we shared the same pain, the same fear, the same love.
As Anya left, I handed her the gift, but it felt like the one who received a gift. She graciously received my gift, gave me an extended hug, told me she loved me forever, and then reluctantly got into her car and drove home. I felt so elated, I stayed in the parking lot another fifteen minutes, in company of the sound of falling rain, in case she came back. About a half hour later though, when I was in my bed, she sent me a text.
ANYA: “I love it! Thank you!!! I love you!”
ME: “I’m glad you love them! I love you too, babe!”
The next morning, after a good night’s rest because of all Anya gave me on a day her friends celebrated her birthday, and as I prepared for another stressful Monday at work, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: “Hasn’t stopped raining. Naturally I thought about yesterday. I love that you light your candles for us. So romantic. I love all my gifts. You went overboard!”
ME: “I wish I could have gotten you more! I’m just happy you love them babe. I’m lucky you appreciate the simple things I do.”
ANYA: “You know it’s true love when all u need is rain, candles and each other.”
ME: “That’s why we feel as strongly as we do for each other. The simple things bring us the most joy. I really miss you.”
ANYA: “I so miss you too. I have my music on and I have one of the candles burning. Will think of u all day. Going to work in home office. Lots to do. I love you!”
ME: “Sounds perfect, babe. I love you too!”
Although I didn’t hear back from her for the rest of the day, the beauty of the day before and her happiness made the day a good one for me regardless as it felt good to be on the positive path once again.
I even stayed on a positive trajectory when I didn’t hear from her until the late afternoon of the following day.
ANYA: “Btw I loved the butterfly gift bag w/pink sparkly tissue paper! You’re so cute!”
ME: “They didn’t have a pink gift bag for my best friend, but luckily there was sparkly pink tissue paper there.”
ANYA: “You’re my best friend too. I love you forever. P.S. maybe u should be shot for being in love with me! JK!”
After I read Anya’s “joke”, I couldn’t help but feel it ruined a good moment for me. How it went from feeling she saw I paid attention to “the little things about her”, to being “crazy”, even “psychotic” for falling in love with her. As if she was not responsible in any way shape or form for the growth of my feelings for her. When your heart is deeply intertwined with another, jokes carry a sensitive truth. I wanted to stay with the positive vibes I felt, even as her silence continued, but her remark blinded me with honesty about how she viewed my love for her, and also in essence, my belief in love. So, I responded to her “joke” accordingly.
ME: “Should I?”
ANYA: “NO!”
Her “NO”, in caps did not bring me any relief as it gave me the impression, she really think I should be shot for falling in love with her. That she thought our love was “crazy” and not rational at all given the circumstances. What truly bothered me about her borderline schizophrenic behavior was a lack of acknowledgement in her role for the reason why I fell in love with her. As if I should have known better even after she told me I broker her heart when I walked away from her. And even after I felt she completely led me to feel all I did for her regardless of what her friends, family and kids would think of her, and that felt like a great white shark just sunk its teeth into my skin.
ANYA: “You’re kidding, right?”
ME: “Of course I am.”
If she only knew how I felt when I drove over the bridge at the same time she revealed her holiday plans. Although, I felt I’d never take my life, I also couldn’t say I never felt like taking it, especially if I lost the only love I ever wanted to feel or know. I felt like Jay Gatsby when he commented how he might have still been a great man if he hadn’t lost Daisy, the love of his life, and those words encapsulated how I felt without Anya. How greatness would forever be elusive, unable to be grasped again. Like her love corrupted him for all others.
I didn’t just feel, but I knew this was my last shot at the love I always believed in, and if I lost Anya, I would never be courageous enough to have it again because its allure and power wrecked me forever, and I’d be too fearful to ever venture back. There was too much at stake for me now. I came into our relationship with the purest, most sincere heart, with the only true desire to see her happy in life again, but this time for a lifetime, but now my own happiness drowned in my own blood, something I didn’t really expect to feel the importance of until now; until the day I drove over that three hundred foot tall marine colored conduit and learned how to get to the top of it, quickly and decisively if I had to escape a life without her in it.
ANYA: “Not funny! U know I already think you’re a little crazy!”
ME: “I’m sorry babe. I was kidding though. Do you really think I’m crazy?”
ANYA: “I was kidding, kind of.”
Was this the reason she didn’t know? That she thought not only I, but our entire relationship was “crazy”? Did she think I was crazy because I believed in love even after she told me she believed in our love? Was this a microcosm of what love has come to in this day and age? That anyone who truly believed in it could not be of sound mind? How come Anya wouldn’t also consider what I thought was truly crazy? That she would stay married to a man who had completely disrespected her? Who disrespected her before they were married then cheated on her several times afterwards? After all we’ve shared, and after close we’ve become, how could she still be married to him? What was so sane about that truth taken in consideration his infidelities led her into the arms of two other men? Even leading to a love with one she never knew existed? Was I crazy for trusting her? For trusting all she shared with me would lead to a promise we both deserved?
Fear pushed its way through as I wondered if there was something I didn’t know, something she did, that would lead her to conclude I was crazy? She asked me to fight for her. I even asked her if she meant it and she told me she did. Then I went out and did. Every single day from that moment on. She told me “kids were resilient and nothing was impossible”. I was told she hurt everyday because she missed me so much. I put my faith in her words. Words of intent I believed she meant. So, I stuck it out for her in anticipation of a promise I had yet to receive. If she believed I was crazy, then it would make it easier for her to not follow through. Her perception of my craziness her out. Did Anya make people crazy on purpose then refer to them as “stalkers” and “psychos” without any regard to her actions?
But if I was crazy, she certainly wasn’t exempt.
ME: “Well, you think being in love is crazy so I can see why you think I’m a little crazy then.”
ANYA: “No I don’t!”
Seconds After I read her text, I noticed an incoming call from her.
“Hi babe.” I picked up.
“I don’t think being in love is crazy.” she responded.
“Are you sure?”
“Why would you ask that?”
“It just sometimes feels that way to me.”
“What makes you think that way?”
“I don’t think you’re used to being loved so you think anyone who loves you is crazy.” I explained. “And you have to know that’s crazy in and of itself.”
“Let me tell you where I’m coming from. Me and my laser treatment girl have gotten pretty close over the last few months.” she told me. “She shared a story with me about her non-committing boyfriend. She decided to give him a forty day break and after forty days passed, he called her back telling her he missed her, and they got back together, but after that nothing changed and they just broke up again.”
I kept mute as her story appeared to imply that I should give her a forty day break and see what happened. Anya was non-committal too. That I was crazy for not implementing this. That it was abnormal not to, but at this point being apart for her was like stowing away a wheel chair from a paraplegic. Anya tried to break up with me before but could never stop texting me. In fact, she showed more love after we “BU’d”. But if she viewed staying in this because I cared about the pain she felt was crazy, then maybe they should throw me in the same cell with Charles Manson? I fought for her because I remembered her tears when she left the dinner table in front of her family. I remembered the time she ran outside and sat in her car with the idea of running away for good as her son cried for her to stay. I remembered how hard she cried heartily on the phone during her cousin’s wedding night. I believed in her words “I want to wear your ring”. I evoked all her tears more than I counted the times she brought me pain in her silence. We didn’t need a one day break, let alone a forty day pause, to only learn what we already knew without it. Love didn’t break away or abandon people. Love didn’t run and hide away. Love revealed itself and showed its hand. I loved her way too much and I already felt enough pain already, I didn’t need to send either one of us to the gas chamber. We’ve come too far. Shared too much. Her laser treatment girl is with someone who is non-committal because he doesn’t love her so I couldn’t see the parallel. When you love someone, a commitment is too easy. Maybe this was Anya’s way of telling me she didn’t love me? Maybe that’s why she was non-committal? If this was true, then she had an obligation to tell me so, and not simply ask me to give her a forty day break with the ulterior motive to abandon me.
“Well, she gave him a forty day break because she knew the truth, babe.”
“What’s the truth?” she asked.
“He didn’t truly love her.” I said. “because if he did, he would have committed.”
“You think so?” she asked.
“It’s like your husband.” I said. “For the same reason you don’t kiss him back. For the same reason you don’t return his “I love you”’s. For the same reason that led you to me. I meant it the first night I met you. I don’t believe love cheats as much as it doesn’t fear a commitment of any kind. Love knows no fear.”
“I love you.” she said in compliance.
“I love you too.”
I didn’t hear back from her for the rest of this day, but I felt good about how we ended a conversation that almost went too far south for me emotionally.
The following morning, the seventeenth one of December, I received a text from Anya. A now rare morning occurrence.
ANYA: “Good morning! Cold and rainy babe.”
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ME: “Good morning! Then you know I’ll be thinking of you. How r u?”
ANYA: “I’m good. Have to go into corporate after drop off. I’m sure I’ll run into traffic. Better grab a coffee for the road. Of course, the rain makes me think of you too. How r u?”
ME: “I’m good. I have my company Christmas party tonight. Part of me doesn’t want to go.”
ANYA: “Why not? It should be fun.”
ME: “Oh, don’t get me wrong, they usually are. I don’t know. I’m sure I’ll have a good time when I get there.”
The night of the firm Christmas party was undoubtedly the most meaningful holiday party I ever attended as the firm planned to announce, anticlimactically only to myself, who the next partner of the firm would be. I should have been so excited. It should have been the greatest night of my life, but it wasn’t because the one I wanted to share this accomplishment with the most could not be there. And it broke my heart like every holiday party before it; like every wedding reception, and every family outing usually did. People never understood at parties why I would leave early, or disappear for a while, but I hated to be that guy. The fifth wheel. The ultra sore thumb. The guy everyone wanted to “set up” because he was such a “nice guy”. It just made me want to be the biggest dick imaginable. I got tired of pretending to be content where I was in life but far from. All in all, I was just bummed out I couldn’t really share my promotion with her until June, when the non-disclosure agreement expired, and I officially became a partner of the firm.
Since the company planned to announce my rise through the ranks, I opted to wear a suit to the annual event. Even though it should be the best night of my life, I felt apprehensive, like I didn’t deserve the promotion because I wasn’t the same guy who earned the promotion for the last six months. I fell behind on many engagements and barely kept my head above water. Although I brought in the Caiaphas account, I’ve only been able to add a couple small clients since then, and I didn’t even run the Caiaphas engagement, my mentor and confidant, Kevin did. I felt honored, worthy of recognition but underserving, but this promotion, I knew with absolute certainty, was my key to being with Anya. My one-bedroom apartment would not suffice, I had to offer more or at least be positioned to do so. Without it, I could never ask her to leave Jackson as I’d be an insufficient replacement, and the kids would never see the good in us.
I walked into the party a half hour early so I had a drink and struck a conversation with the human resource administrator who used to refer to me as “admin easy” because I never asked her for anything. It was so hectic at the firm the Christmas party usually presented an opportunity to catch up with people in other departments. I then talked with a few tax employees as myself and the new tax partner recalled my first interview with him and how he told me he was frightened of bananas. I found it hysterical that day as he eased my nerves on the first of six interviews for the position of audit staff accountant. We then reminisced about how fast the firm had grown from twenty of us to now over sixty in such a short amount of time. The Enron scandal brought opportunities never before seen to large local firms like ours due to Sarbanes Oxley. In fact, the Caiaphas account normally went to the much larger firms, but there was such a negative stigma after Enron, firms like ours could now compete with the big guys for audit business.
As the evening progressed, I walked over to talk with some of the audit staff members who felt a little out of place because most of them just started with the firm. There were always “newbies” every year at the holiday parties because of the high employee turnover in the industry as constant travel and a lack of a work life balance the firm tried to promote, becomes old news. Most don’t stay on the partner track and instead opt for careers as Controllers and Assistant Controllers, after they reach the audit manager level which was usually a six year journey. I tried to integrate the new audit staff with the rest of the firm members as tax and audit employees hardly get to talk to each other during the year. A tradition at my firm was for the newbies to put together a holiday video for the firm to watch during the party. It had to have some sort of theme and was solely produced by the new staff. It was always good for laughs and it helped everyone get to know each other, and feel more comfortable around one another.
When Clyde arrived, I wanted to approach him but decided to keep myself in neutral to give the impression I had no idea about the promotion. To my surprise, I then saw Kevin without his wife, Sadie, a first at a holiday party event. I knew they struggled mightily in the marriage as she pushed for him to provide more, but I couldn’t believe she wouldn’t accompany Kevin regardless.
“Hey. Kev.”
“Land.” he said as he extended his hand to mine. “You look dapper tonight.”
“Thanks.” I said. “You’re making me look bad the way you’re dressed tonight.”
“Ah man. I’ve had this suit for the last five years.” he said.
“Is Sadie here?”
“She’s not feeling well tonight.” He explained. “She’s been really sick lately.”
“Sorry to hear that.” I said. “I was looking forward to seeing her.”
“It’s probably better this way. Well, I guess tonight is the big night. The night they introduce to us the next partner of the firm. The next “letter” to be added to the name.”
“There’s quite a few seniors being promoted to manager also.” I said as I tried to downplay it all. “Not to mention staff to senior promotions. I think that’s pretty cool too.”
“I remember those days, but now there’s only one promotion that matters.” he responded.
“I guess.” I said.
“I gotta be honest with you Land. I could really use that promotion.” he said. “If I don’t get it, I think Sadie will leave me.”
“Do you really think so?” I said with genuine concern.
“No doubt.” he said as his eyes met mine. “No doubt.”
I didn’t know what to say. That I knew, unless they promoted both of us, he would not be the one promoted. Kevin’s revelation made me want to approach Clyde to talk him out of it. To tell him, Kevin deserved it more than I did. It was Kevin who taught me all I knew about accounting. This promotion happened only because of what I learned through Kevin. But I knew his mind had been made up. He knew I could do the one thing Kevin couldn’t do, bring in business like the Caiaphas Property Group. And even though I felt it unfair, I needed this as badly now as my love for Anya stopped me from formally withdrawing my name for partner consideration. I had to let the Universe, my fate and destiny, take hold of the moment I probably was never in control of anyway; a pawn in the part of a master plan.
Shortly after my conversation with Kevin, we were seated and dinner was served. After we ate, talked and laughed as the drinks went down joyously, and after the HR Director played the new staff Christmas video for our entertainment, Clyde approached the front of the room, and began to address us all.
“I hope everyone had enough to eat tonight.” Said Clyde as a comment about having to work off some weight now flew his way. “Thank you all for being here this evening to celebrate another year as we get ready to roll into another busy season in just a couple of weeks. This year the firm has seen unprecedented growth. We went from forty employees last year at this time now to sixty-four. We have seen both audit and tax revenue triple since last year and we had to hire more people to sustain this growth. Regardless of the increase in payroll costs, we are more profitable than ever before because of our record revenue. In fact, our industry has never seen this much growth and we will continue to see it, and expand in order to sustain it. With this growth however comes opportunity and we have promoted several people this year. Please stand up when I call your name. Sarah. Jennifer, Jason. Joe.”
Heads turned as each of the employees rose from their seats.
“We’re very proud to announce that these fine young men and women will be promoted to audit seniors starting January first of this year.” He said to a round of applause. “Thank you for your hard work and your commitment to our success. Congratulations to all of you. Well deserved.”
As I applauded their efforts, it made me proud to see their success as I helped mentor all of them, and they were all sharp hard working kids I admired in a lot of ways, who I could imagine working next to them years down the road as future partners and managers. Kevin then leaned into me.
“You pretty much mentored all of them, didn’t you?” he asked.
“For the most part, in some way.” I said.
“I think Jackson Caiaphas, your buddy, offered Sarah a job last week.”
“Let him know he can’t have my protégé, sorry.” I joked.
“I’ll let him know.”
“Tell him it came straight from Landman.”
“Ha! Will see that he gets Landman’s message personally.”
“I appreciate that.”
After Clyde finished his announcement of these promotions, he turned his attention to the biggest promotion of the night, and as I sat next to Kevin, I began to dread the moment rather than celebrate it.
“Now this brings me to our final promotion announcement. As you know John Sunland is retiring this year, and I would like to personally thank you John for all your contributions to the firm over the last twenty-seven years. You have been a godsend and really saying “thank you” does no justice for all you’ve done to help the firm’s success. You are a big reason for us being in the position we are in today, and we all wish you the best in your retirement. I will be living vicariously through you for at least another five years you can count on that.”
“I don’t know how he lasted that long.” said Kevin to me.
“Me neither.” I responded.
“To replace John is no easy task.” Continued Clyde. “He is pretty much irreplaceable, but the firm is blessed to have an individual who I feel could step in and contribute immediately. This individual, our colleague, will be the first person we ever promoted to partner who hasn’t been with the firm for at least ten years. In just six years, this young man I feel has embodied everything our firm stands for. His commitment to excellence, his loyalty to the firm, his ability to sell our firm’s services, his accounting aptitude, his attitude, a personality that helped bridge gaps between tax and audit team members and his professionalism in how he carries himself is first rate and second to none. He just stands out as the most logical choice to succeed John, and it’s not even close. I would like to introduce you all to the firm’s next partner, Landyn Lastman.”
Kevin’s hand pat me square on the back, as I took it as a cue to reluctantly rise from my seat, as others began to stand as well to applaud me. As the room got louder and more electric, I found it hard to believe I made this much of an impact in my career as I fought off the tears. I imagined Anya stood next to me with as much pride as I stood before them with. Not everyone stood, most people didn’t while they applauded as I noticed Kevin was one of those people, but I could definitely understand the bitter sweetness of the moment for us both. After the applause died down Clyde asked for the firm members to keep this quiet until June, as our clients didn’t know John retired yet. When Clyde returned to his seat, Kevin reached his hand out to me, and was the first to congratulate me.
“Thanks.” I responded as I sensed the disappointment in his tone.
My colleagues, even those far across the room came over to congratulate me. Many of them hugged me and were genuinely excited about working for me instead of only with me which caught me by surprise as a few stray tears rolled down my cheek. I guess it felt good to know how much I was admired at the firm, even by people I thought could care less about me. When the night was over, I got into my car and reflected back on the moment. I couldn’t truly enjoy it as I thought of Kevin’s heartbreak and without Anya there to share the moment with me. I worked hard for this. Put in a ton of hours, and even used it as motivation to prove Denise wrong about me. To prove to her and myself that she blew it by being superficial, but in the end, after all was said and done, I only cared about what Anya thought. I only cared about the need of this promotion to save her. That’s all it meant to me as all along I lost all these hours to work only to keep the love of my life in my life forever. If I hadn’t met Anya, I would have implored Clyde to give the promotion to Kevin or I’d quit. The promotion didn’t matter to me. Anya’s happiness was the only thing that mattered to me, and without her in my life, this promotion, this huge moment, meant nothing. As I focused on these thoughts, I received a text from the reason for my drive and ambition.
ANYA: “How was the party?”
ME: “It was fun, babe. Wish you could have been with me. It would have made the night that much better. R u all cozy and warm in your fuzzies? It’s still raining. I’m going to go home and shower. Wish we could shower together. I miss you.”
ANYA: “Yes fuzzies! A hot shower w/u on a rainy night sounds perfect. I miss u too.”
ME: “Could you imagine? After a nice hot shower, we’d get to climb into bed and fall asleep together. Can life truly get any better than that on a rainy night?”
ANYA: “Can’t top that babe. That’s perfection.”
And I ended the ultimate night with the ultimate thought as I believed more than ever, with my promotion now in motion, a hot shower on a rainy night was a real possibility.
When the sun rose, I texted Anya to see what she had planned as I hardly slept the night because of all the adrenaline within me.
ANYA: “Missed u last night too. I’m good. Can’t believe Hanukkah is Sunday and Christmas is next week. I’m going to power shop the next two days! Hard to shop w/friends!”
With only a week left until Christmas, she reminded me how much I needed to start my shopping. Later than afternoon, while on my lunch break, I texted Anya but didn’t hear back from her until over two hours later, and I found it strange only because she was shopping by herself.
ANYA: “OMG! Just leaving! Car is full! Great sales!”
ME: “Did you get them all wrapped at the store? I think I’m going shopping later after work
ANYA: “I wrap them. I like to wrap them. When r u going shopping?”
ME: “Not sure yet.”
On this particular evening, shopping would have to wait as duty called as I had to do some extra planning for work due to the upcoming busy season. After I left the office, but before I reached my car, I received a text from Anya.
ANYA: “U must be busy. Have a goodnight, sweets.”
ME: “I’m never too busy for you, babe. What r u up to?”
ANYA: “Boring Cancer League Xmas party.”
ME: “Boring people and conversation?”
ANYA: “Yes and old. Hoitie Toitie (sp).”
ME: “Hoitie toitie old people definitely a party killer.”
ANYA: “Gtg. Sorry they r wondering…Have a goodnight babe.”
ME: “Goodnight Sweetheart.”
I’ve never seen the word “hoitie toitie” spelled out before, but phonetically I couldn’t imagine it being spelled any other way. Overall, I had a productive day at work even though the rest of the day left me well short of my shopping goal.
The next morning, I felt a rare occurrence of late, contentment. The reservations about her holiday plans seemed to be a distant memory, and I settled into a comfort zone as I kept my eyes and heart on the steel of the Eiffel Tower instead of the steel of a rusted marine green suspension bridge over the Los Angeles harbor. As I clung for dear life to these sudden good feelings, the day would soon challenge my grip on them after I exchanged texts with Anya in the morning.
ANYA: “You’ll be fine babe. I’m feeling rushed now. Behind at work w/getting client gifts out, though not my fault. I might go into work first then power shop.”
ME: “How did you fall behind, babe? That’s all you’ve been doing is hustling.”
ANYA: “I’ve been riding the assistant about ordering gifts early and she got behind cuz of the move. Guess I can’t blame her either. I need someone to blame!”
ME: “Do you get all your clients pretty much the same thing?”
ANYA: “Pretty much the same thing for all except for the VIP clients. They get more.”
After I heard about her plan for the day, a job an assistant should do, I guess it hurt to see she didn’t curtail her responsibilities to her husband’s business. This same business she told me she was mad at him for making her work at. Somewhere down the line it started to feel like her feelings changed for me. But how would I ever truly know if I knew she would never tell me if they did? As the day carried on and my negative emotions began to gain momentum once more, I reached out to her in order to stymie them. To clandestinely see if she was possibly going crazy over the holiday season in a desperate attempt to prove myself wrong.
ANYA: “No just feeling the holiday pressure. R u?”
ME: “Oh no. I’m not going crazy yet.”
Even as I sank into a sand pit of my own madness, I tried to hide it from Anya. The holiday season was a stressful time for her, but at the same time, she seemed too vested for me to hope she had any intentions of being with me; let alone to make a promise, but the same minute these negative thoughts jumped through my head, she hit me with something unexpected.
ANYA: “Idk about this weekend cuz booked solid but I may have some time on Monday. I’m taking Katie and her friend shopping. Maybe I can sneak away if you’re free.”
When she told me her weekend was “booked solid”, it rubbed me the wrong way, and it aggravated me only because how could I let it? It was the holiday season, and I had to understand what she needed to do to hide the truth from Jackson otherwise their holidays could be ruined so close to it. Since I’m sure Katie wanted to spend time with her friend, and probably didn’t want mom hanging around, the hope of Monday replaced my despair of the moment. As the day carried on, and I thought of all the holiday pressure Anya faced, it made me wish I could be with her so she didn’t have to do all the “power” shopping. That she didn’t have to carry bags that filled an entire suburban as I imagined the frantic scene at the mall. Where was Jackson? Was his assumed role to keep the bank account full while Anya did all the running around? With the flexibility running his own business provided him, I couldn’t understand this inequitable arrangement between them. As Anya communicated to me after she left the mall with another load of bags in tow, I communicated how I felt about it.
ME: “I wish I could help you with the bags.”
ANYA: “Thx that’s so sweet of u! I love you!”
Her text didn’t mention “I wished that too”, a response to suggest she hoped to be with me one day in order for such an event to take place, as her “that’s so sweet of you” started the budding snowball down the mountain as I questioned the real purpose she allowed me into her life.
An hour after I sent her a text she never responded to, I sent her one asking her if she was still shopping. An hour later, she informed me of her whereabouts.
ANYA: “No. Neighbor’s X-mas party.”
I not only felt second to her kids now, but also second to everyone in her neighborhood as well as this didn’t sound anything like the Anya I met over a year and a half ago. There was a lot I was beginning not to understand. Why did she ever pursue a relationship with me when she was so vested in her everyday life? How could she share and experience all she did with me just to retreat back into her life as if nothing ever happened between us? I felt our relationship morphed into the series “Survivor” as I now endured social events on a nightly basis when she was the only social event in life. What made me even more discouraged was Anya’s only solution if I told her of my pain. Her only remedy; to let me go. And if she could let me go, how could she possibly love me if she could live without me? I’m not saying she didn’t have strong feelings for me, but I had to face a hard truth; they couldn’t be born of a love she told me she believed in.
Anya hid things such as her usual holiday plans because she knew it’s what eventually drove Lance away. If she went out of her way to hide things from me unless I asked about them, I needed to know in advance so they wouldn’t destroy me when I learned of them unexpectedly. I shouldn’t have had to ask about the things she did because how would I know what to ask about? I’m sure she went to this neighbor’s X-mas party each year, and probably with Jackson which bugged me to even think about them perceived as a perfect married couple. What bothered me the most was how she could live such a glorious lie. A little over a year ago, she pursued a full-blown relationship with another man, one in which she never felt closer to another man, and she walked right into that party as if nothing in her life ever changed? The show she put on as Mrs. Jackson Caiaphas slowly began to take a real toll. How could she walk into that party knowing the truth?
I believed Anya wanted to be an honest person, it’s why I gave her a chance, but was she too far gone to be anything but the greatest con-artist? I tried to concentrate on the love for her kids. She didn’t want to shake up their world, and I felt it was a noble cause to put on such an act, as I wasn’t ready to fully label her a total con artist, but I couldn’t say I didn’t feel conned in some way. To her credit, she was always honest with me whenever I asked. When I wondered if she still slept with her husband, she told me the truth knowing my rightful reaction, and I respected her for that. It showed me she would come clean, but at the same time, this needed to be known before I felt a thing for her.
If she went through such great lengths to keep these things from me, why wouldn’t she go through great lengths to make me a promise if she truly didn’t want to lose me? Was this what she did to the man she was engaged to before Jackson came back into her life? Was this what drove him to move out of state? Is this what drove another man to stalk her? Was the only man worthy of Anya was the one obsessed with money and power? Did Anya love without any regards to the feelings and emotions of others? And if they reacted to the way she loved men, she labeled them as “psychos” and “stalkers”? Did she drive men crazy on purpose to drive them away with less self-worth when all they cared about was hers? Did she use men to get what she needed from them and then shipped them off easily afterwards? Did she “love bomb” men to only leave them broken? Was her love the greatest hoax ever pulled?
I didn’t respond to Anya’s as these thoughts began to circulate in my mind like leaves in a tornado. Suddenly, my phone began to ring.
“Hey Anya.” I said as I picked up the phone. “Did you leave the party?”
“Hey babe.” she said. “No, I’m still here.”
“How did the shopping go?”
“Well, It’s actually a shopping spree for employees.”
“A shopping spree?”
“Yes, we give each of our employees a five-hundred-dollar shopping spree for the holidays.”
“No kidding? How many employees do you have?”
“About fifty in the corporate office.”
“That’s like twenty-five thousand dollars?” I said. “Are you guys hiring?”
“Ha! Yeah, it’s up there but we value them. I’ll so the same thing for them next year.”
Anya’s words stopped me in my tracks as the words “next year” stung me.
“Next year.” I repeated with a heavy heart. “What’s left on your holiday schedule?”
“Well…I added some more that would probably upset you.”
“You think they would hurt me if I actually knew about them?”
“Probably, yes.”
“I see.”
“Do you want to know?”
I didn’t know how to respond as I tried to clot the blood that flowed.
“If you were me…” I said. “Would you want to know?”
“No.” she said without hesitation. “I wouldn’t want to know.”
“I trust your judgment.” I said. “I better get going. Thanks for calling me.”
“Okay, have a goodnight.”
“You too.”
At a time, I could have really used something positive, I received words that struck the greatest of fears within me as I felt the cold steel of the gun she put to my head. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing as these negative feelings stole the wheel. It brought me back to when she told me she thought I was a “little crazy” as I felt like I was. How could she do this to me? Make plans that would only hurt me? “Her kids” I thought. “It’s for her kids”, and when I put them in that context I swallowed her additional plans a bit better, but it still hurt to know she could walk into these parties after all we’ve shared and look these people straight to their face and be unfazed. So now if Anya were to leave, the end to the twenty-five-thousand-dollar employee shopping spree would be her fault. It began to appear Anya didn’t need a man who loved her but a confidant who understood why she couldn’t leave her marriage. Who was fine with only having some action on the side, and wouldn’t want anything else for years down the road, if ever at all. After Denise left me I vowed to never be in this position again. I vowed to be an “asshole” to women. Instead, I meet Anya who turned my strategy completely around as I thought she would appreciate the value of a “nice” man. And I was right, but for only her reasons, and not my own. Here I reverted back to my old self for her to only get schooled once more on how being “nice”, even to the ones who I thought would value it, was the wrong thing to do.
I felt she could see me if she really wanted to, but she instead chose either not to, or as little as possible, and once again it appeared money was the be all, end all. That if Jackson couldn’t afford twenty-five-thousand-dollar shopping sprees for his employees, she would have been long gone years ago. She didn’t only stay for the kids, but also for his money and the popularity and respect it gave her from others.
Three hours of sleep on the average a night with a mental profession began to take its toll on me. As much as Anya was torn between me and her kids, I was torn between belief and disbelief. After all we shared, how could I even dare to question Anya’s love for me? How could there be a trace of doubt? Maybe I was crazy? Maybe I was psychotic in some sense? I refused to give up on us for one reason, and for one reason only; I wanted to believe in her love for me and I was wrong to question her. No matter how much I doubted it at times, I wanted to believe. I became a beggar willing to take anything she gave me as hope. A phone call, a text, even a lie at this time was like a meal to get me through the day. I was in too deep not to, at the top of a bridge if I didn’t. I would no longer trust this life. I would no longer trust the universe’s plan for me. I would no longer trust fate or destiny, but only the end of me.
I tried to take my negative thoughts and shake them out of my head and let the next day bring a new sunrise, all its own like a sunset; never the same.
ME: “Good morning! R u alive? Just checking in to see you got back up when you dropped after you shopped. Do you have much left to shop for?”
ANYA: “Ha! Well some more shopping today. A couple of open houses tonight. U?”
ME: “Just shopping.”
After I read Anya’s text, I felt legitimately disheartened, as I began to picture the open houses and the façade that appeared through their doors. I didn’t hear back from her for the entire afternoon, and it made me feel sick enough to my stomach to forgo lunch and dinner as her silence made me feel like I never existed in her life. As if I meant nothing to her and it was all for fun and games. The more I thought about the other holiday plans she added to her list, the more upset with her I became. What she did wasn’t right, and it was undeniable because of the way they made me feel. You just don’t allow someone to develop enormous feelings for you, based on horrible things you communicated in order for them to feel strongly enough to be in this position today, then blow them off as if they didn’t exist. I sincerely cared about her kids. I didn’t want them to be hurt by anything, but that was not one of the rules of engagement when we met. I felt she brought me here, and not only allowed but encouraged me to feel all I did, and to make it me or the kids was absolutely wrong and a betrayal, and I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.
ME: “I’m sorry babe, but I’m curious now. What were those additional plans you made that you said would upset me?”
ANYA: “I already told u. I just didn’t want to get into details. Where r u going with this?”
ME: “You did? Why would you think I was going anywhere with this? It’s a simple question but if you don’t want to get into details, I understand. When are you going shopping?
ANYA: “Afternoon but have to be quick cuz don’t have much time. U?”
ME: “Afternoon as well.”
Several sleepless nights have taken its toll on me as I sacrificed my own happiness on a daily basis so she could feel again. Now she was suddenly too busy to talk to me? How could she be afraid of hurting me during the holidays when it felt that’s all she planned to do? I couldn’t believe the frigid way she handled this. With absolutely zero care for how it made me feel, and only how it made her feel. It seemed as long as she could fit me in her schedule, I was easy to love. Knowing full well how full her life was, how could she hide it from me? How could she vest herself even deeper into it after all we shared? Did she basically have zero respect for the feelings and emotions of others? Did she not respect anyone’s heart other than her own? What was her remedy to all I felt now? To push me away? To make my journey to the top of the bridge complete?
At around half past one that afternoon, I decided to go to the mall with the hope to run into her to help curtail the negative feelings that circulated without restraint. I then texted to see if she was there.
ANYA: “I wanted to let u know I was there but we literally rushed in and rushed out. I hope you’re not disappointed.”
I wasn’t nearly as bummed until I read the ending of her text; “I hope you’re not disappointed.” If she truly loved me, wouldn’t she be just as disappointed? This was not the Anya I knew. The Anya I knew would run out of the store regardless of who she was with to say “hello”. This was not the same person who loved me. I went from hero in her eyes to a Tyrannosaurus. Her view of our love was inconsistent with all I was ever told that allowed me to feel all that I did. Feelings that gave me life now took that very life from me. Just a little over a month ago we had our most intimate moment, and now she acted as if it never happened. That I was an apparition. She thrived on a dream while I thrived on reality. Two worlds on the verge of a colossal collision, an outcome determined before the challenge to avoid it. Anya should have been just as disappointed as I was, and she wasn’t at all. In fact, she seemed relieved, while I grieved.
Her text left me empty inside as I left the mall to go home. At this point, I knew I had to question her; this negative energy too intense and meaningful. And when I got inside my apartment, I took a deep breath before I began my message to her.
ME: “I understand you had to rush in and out. Idk, after reading your text it feels u don’t care to see me much anymore. It just seems like you feel differently about me now. Maybe I’m crazy but I have some experience with this and unfortunately it feels awfully familiar. Maybe I’m just having a bad day. I know we are “BU’d”.
ANYA: “Call me.”
When she picked up the phone, all I heard were two words.
“You’re wrong.” she said.
“I’m not trying to give you a hard time. I know you have a lot on your plate, and I want to be fair but…I don’t know. You know. I don’t know. It seems like your heart is there. It just doesn’t seem your heart isn’t with me. You’re doing all these things for a man who’s dishonored you and the man who has only honored you is stuck here wishing he could be with you. You know…how is that right? I’m trying my best to understand the holidays season for you, I think of your kids and it helps me to understand everything you’re doing much better, but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. And the crazy thing is I don’t even know what I’m going to feel. It just shows up and then steamrolls over me.”
“I understand your sadness. I’m in love with you and want to be with you. I think about us in every situation and how great it would be.”
“I do the same thing.” I told her. “Every day.”
“I fight with the same concerns every day.” she reiterated.
“But babe, don’t you think these same concerns should have stopped you from seeing me in the first place? They had to have existed before we fell.”
“I couldn’t help falling in love with you.”
“Isn’t that more of a reason to listen to yourself though? To trust yourself?” I asked.” I don’t understand why you aren’t listening to yourself. Don’t you think you couldn’t help falling in love with me for a real reason? Anya, I’m the second guy here. Not the first. This isn’t a mistake. This doesn’t need mulling over. I think a promise should come now, babe. I need you to show me you can’t help trusting yourself too.”
“When you get sad like this, it breaks my heart.” she said. “I don’t know. I think I would be doing you a favor by leaving you completely. I’m only causing pain without any promises of the future.”
When she told me this I almost threw up my dinner. I wouldn’t want her to feel any obligation coming from me in the form of a promise because I was “sad”, but also what could she expect from me other than the greatest sadness after she loved me with zero restraint? Out of all the douchebags out there, why me? Because I loved deeply because they were too fearful and had enough wisdom to know not to? How else could I have gone into this after all she told me about her husband? Her only remedy was to leave me hurting? How could she ever utter the words “I love you” to me and have the audacity to leave me in such a sad state? She had kids before we met and that made this that much harder to understand and to trust in her love for me, but instead of going with this train of thought, I decided to challenge her in a way she could understand.
“Then you won’t have to help it. Then you won’t have to trust yourself, right?” I asked. “That’s the easy way out, Anya. Is that really your only remedy for this? Your only solution to the sadness I feel is to leave me to feel the ultimate sadness? How is that love? Please make me understand how that is love because that doesn’t feel like love to me. That doesn’t make me sound like I’m “wrong” at all for the way I feel. I mean you told me I was “wrong” but you’re open to leaving me forever?”
“It’s the only way I can make your pain go away.”
Anya didn’t seem to get it. She didn’t seem to understand how emotions worked nor did she seem to respect them at all, and that feeling alone was the scariest thing I’ve ever faced in my life.
“Babe, all this I feel isn’t a faucet of running water. I can’t just turn it off. These feelings are so serious, I feel like you’re giving me a death sentence after allowing me to feel so much for you.” I stated. “Just like you couldn’t help falling in love with me, I didn’t have a choice not to fall in love with you.”
“Please tell me you’re not going to kill yourself or anything.” she pleaded.
“I would never blackmail you like your husband would, but that’s what leaving you completely feels like; a death sentence. And what’s my crime? Loving you? Caring for you? Trusting you? I don’t get how you could leave me if I’m “sad”, and I’m sorry, but that would never feel like love to me, and it shouldn’t feel that way even if I were to abandon you.”
“I miss you every day. I miss our closeness. I’m sorry but it’s a very busy and difficult time for me right now. I have to be constantly on and not being able to run is really affecting me.”
Right when I heard that from her, my negative feelings began to instantly melt away. I had to remember, no matter how much it didn’t feel like love at times, especially when I considered my past that I had to see she struggled too, maybe even as much as I did, if not more. She couldn’t run away and hide what she felt. She had to face people head on and that had to be very hard on her. Her sentimental explanation made me feel bad about my sadness and how it blinded me to consider how different her life was without me. How she had to keep herself busy enough to not be affected by it around her kids. I couldn’t respond as I got lost in this thought.
“I will always love you.” she told me, conviction in her tone.
“Then that’s more of a reason not to give up.”
“And by the way…you’re not crazy.” she informed me, with a soft tone.
When she said these words to me, a huge smile broke upon my face because she knew how much that worried me without me saying a word.
“Hard not to feel that way right now.” I said. “I’m sorry for taking you away from your busy day. Thanks for calling me. It helped me to understand things a little bit better from your end. I apologize if I sounded mean to you at all. Just not used to feeling all I feel. Hard to rein it all in, and it gets the best of me. I don’t even feel in control of my emotions and that’s the hardest thing because they paralyze me. Anyway, I ranted lone enough. We’ll talk later about this if we need to. Sorry about this. I love you and miss you.”
“Thank you. I love you and miss you too. Always.” she said sweetly.
“Always.” I said with moistened eyes but with a smile on my face. “Bye, babe.”
“Bye.”
After our conversation, I felt like I finished a marathon. Emotionally exhausted, I laid back on my recliner and stared into the ceiling until it turned dark. Two hours later, I awoke in a daze, unsure if I was in a dream state or awake. I sleepwalked to the bathroom and caught myself in front of the mirror to study my face and build. I hadn’t been to the gym in over a week, something I did five times a week, as my body appeared less defined. I even noticed bags under my eyes for the first time and some gray hairs that weren’t there over a year ago. As I dipped my toe deeper into the waters of reality, I thought about our phone conversation to consider some of the things she said, particularly how she found leaving me would be the solution to my sadness rather than to promise to be with me. After all we shared? After all the love? The pregnancy scare? After all the hopes, wishes and dreams? As I sat there in deep contemplation, she surprised me from what had to be one of her open houses.
ANYA: “U ok?”
ME: “I’m ok. Just hope you’re not worried about me.”
ANYA: “How could I not? We’re one babe.”
ME: “I know babe, but I want you to enjoy your time at the open houses.”
ANYA: “I haven’t stopped worrying since this afternoon.”
ME: “I know I said it felt like a “death sentence” but please don’t I’m going to do anything stupid, and if I ever did, it wouldn’t be your fault anyway. That was a selfish thing to say and I apologize.”
ANYA: “I wasn’t worried about that. Ur not selfish. Ur a noble person and I know that. I was just worried about u being sad.”
ME: “Babe, I’m going to be sad when we’re apart. It’s just the way it is. Please don’t worry about that.”
ANYA: “How can I make that stop?”
I wanted to respond in so many ways as she opened the “promise” floodgate yet again, but I chose to take the high road instead, afraid to “rock the boat” as I began to feel like Jackson probably did.
ME: “I think I’m just always meant to hurt. No matter what.”
ANYA: “Why do you say that babe?”
ME: “I guess the more things change the more they stay the same? I can’t explain it, but no matter what I do for women, I just always end up being hurt.”
ANYA: “Have I hurt you more than anyone else? If I did it wasn’t because I don’t love you. I love you to death and it’s my selfishness and fear that is making you suffer. I’m sorry.”
ME: “I guess I don’t understand how you could be brave enough to tell your own husband you’re not in love with him. How you’re brave enough to not kiss him. You’re even brazen enough to have an affair and a full blown relationship with two different men yet you’re not brave enough to do the right thing and end your marriage to him. I know you love me but honestly, I feel like a casualty of your love at times.”
I felt bad after I sent this off, but it was too late as I fell victim to the arctic world of electronic communication. Her response to me was very sweet and not deserving of the text I sent, but now a price had to be paid.
ANYA: “Wow. Really? Victim? Ur right. I’m a braveless, terrible, miserable person. I’m sorry for falling in love with you. I’m sorry for loving you. I’m sorry for everything.”
I now felt worse than I ever did as our love now faced its greatest test yet.