“Believing in signs can seem superstitious, but it can be the most subtle way for the universe to communicate.”

~ Sumanth Samprathi

Later that evening on the twenty-second day of February in the year two thousand nine, a Sunday, Anya informed me she had an Academy Awards viewing pajama party at a neighbor’s house to go to.

ME: “That sounds like a lot fun! I bet you look cute in your pj’s!”

ANYA: “Frumpy.”

ME: “Hey, I didn’t ask for an accurate description of me in my pj’s!”

ANYA: “Ha!”

This weekend created havoc on me mentally as my low sense of self seemed to drop to a record depth as I imagined another “Jackson and Anya Caiaphas” social scene, but this time with a bedroom attire themed party. Nothing seemed to stop Anya as she continued to nurture the façade of her marriage, like a political campaign. I hardly knew my neighbors so I never anticipated they were like family to Anya, and my heart would be condemned to her sinister social scene. Only if I knew enough to ask would I have gained the truth from Anya, and by the time I wondered about things, my fate had already been sealed due to the depth of my feelings for her. Without my knowledge and with all my trust, she made the decision to hide things unless I asked about them, when we reconnected. This tactic now haunted me as the things she did with and for Jackson started to break me. After all the awful things she shared about him, the only reason I chose to be in her life, this fear should simply never exist after she allowed me to fall in love with her. I tried to not dwell on it, and even tried to understand it was something she had to do for her children, but the loneliness of my four bedroom walls, nailed to a bed unable to move, as a social event she felt comfortable enough to wear her bedroom attire to, took place that not only expanded the schism between our worlds but also my heartbreak, made it damn near impossible to comprehend. I fought to convince myself this was just part of the road I had to travel upon to reach home but it was hard to ignore I didn’t know I signed up for my own self vanquish. I loved her though, and as long as I got to the light of tomorrow, through a pill if I had to, I’d do everything in my control to not take her happiness and hope from her. To be noble against all odds, and to believe and trust in her love so she could continue raising her kids without unwanted distractions and sadness. I truly believed she loved me enough to realize my importance in her life, as she even held on to my “All I Know” texts, and if they meant that much to her, words I meant every syllable with, then they meant even more to me. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted to be noble so she felt safe to choose happiness. I wanted her to know no man on this earth could love her better and as much as I did. I had no plans to succumb to my pain as I tried within available reason to understand why the façade still existed, and why it continued to hurt me. A boxer couldn’t lose a fight if he never got hit, and my mentality had to be the same here. But even as I tried to defend my mind from the hits I took, I still needed guidance from my coach, the Universe, as the blows began to break through the heart of my defense.

Either to feel close to her or to torture myself, I decided to do something I never did, watch the Academy Awards. As I viewed them, it brought me back to the time we watched the Super Bowl together last year, something we were unable to do this year. But it also brought me back to a time I wanted to forget. The time she got upset when I showed up at the movies after I changed my mind about going, as the movie we saw “Slumdog Millionaire”, won best picture. It surprised me when they announced it won best picture because I didn’t think much about the movie. The again, that showed how Anya’s reaction to my change of heart that day affected my ability to focus on anything but my mental anguish. If the things she did at time was able to take me away from enjoying the best movie of the year, how easy was it to lose focus on the boring world of accounting?

I remembered all the times she used social events as a way to talk to me. When she went to the halftime Super Bowl party, she texted me. Even the night she went to watch “The Bachelorette” with her daughter at a neighbor’s house, she texted me throughout. This time however, I felt disheartened when didn’t hear from her until she texted me upon her return home so she never knew I watched them with her too.

ANYA: “Just got home. That was fun!”

ME: “Very happy to hear you had a fun time!”

I truly wanted her to have a fun time, but with all this fun with the neighbors, what incentive did she have to leave? If she needed a lift or struggled with her marriage, she could just escape to a neighborhood outing. And if I ever needed a lift, I could always visit my mother who battled cancer to cheer me up. I couldn’t escape the schism in our lives as I realized I extended a safe place to someone, who had her choice of them. She told me she felt stuck yet seemed to be more than fine with that arrangement. I felt she led me to believe she was someone who had as much outlets to happiness as I did, and it began to trouble me deeply to learn otherwise. Was it my fault I didn’t have these things, though? And was it her fault that she did? I just wished she had been more upfront about her life before I made the decision to be a part of it. If she had other means to happiness, like neighbor parties, why did she allow me to think she never did? More than ever it seemed my love was never oxygen to her, but only a lung.

Unable to sleep I decided to write in my journal to get my thoughts on paper, but the first thing I saw when my computer booted up, was the picture she sent me, now my default screen saver. I then got lost in her beauty again, as if it was the first time she appeared before me. As my love and longing deepened, I composed a text to her as I tried to derail my negative feelings over the weekend.

ME: “I know you’re sleeping and I hope you have your phone off. I just needed to tell you I just love the picture you gave me. I think a lot of people would look at it and tell you how beautiful you are, but I think that’s just stating the obvious. What makes it beautiful for me is everytime I look at it, it makes me miss you. For instance, when I gaze at your hair, I miss finding traces of you in my room or in my car. When I focus on your smile, I miss feeling your lips against mine and seeing you whisper the words “I love you” from them. When I look at the dress you’re wearing as it comes down slightly past your shoulders, I miss the feeling of your body against my chest. When I see the light shining brilliantly off your skin, it makes me miss the feel of yours against mine. When I observe your arms, I miss feeling the inside of your elbow with my thumb when I move my hands along your arms. When I see your hands, I miss my own being inside of them. Last but not least, when I see your eyes, I miss them looking into mine. It really is the most beautiful picture of any woman I’ve ever seen in my life but that’s because I see it not only with my eyes but also with my heart. To me, it’s far beyond just a beautiful picture of you. It’s actually, art. A masterpiece.”

When the next morning arrived, at five minutes past five to be exact, Anya sent me a text.

ANYA: “Good morning! It’s early waiting to go running w/the girls. Wow. Thank u for the text! That was beautiful. Amazing how you see the pic differently!”

ME: “Good morning! You’re an amazing woman so maybe that explains why it’s amazing I see the pic differently! It really is a masterpiece of you. Thank you again for sending it to me.”

ANYA: “It was beautiful babe. Did u have a goodnight? Ready for the week?”

ME: “My night was ok. Ugh…I’m as ready as I can be. Did you sleep well? Busy day today?”

ANYA: “I did sleep well! Needed it! Always busy babe! I miss you.”

ME: “I should know by now huh? I miss you too babe.”

ANYA: “I miss you more!”

ME: “Ha! Impossible!”

After a weekend of negative thoughts, the week got off to a much better start as I needed to really focus at work. I had fallen a bit behind on the planning stages on some of my new client engagements. The partner in charge of these particular engagements had a hot temper and lashed out at his managers if they fell behind. Even the manager who helped reel in the big fish was not exempt from his ire as he promised these clients their audit deadline would be met. Although I had yet to feel his wrath, that possibility always lingered as a manager on his audit engagements. With a relationship on my mind, I worked desperately to nurture and save, along with the unexpected news about my mother’s Cancer, my attention and focus was needed to ensure these new client engagements made their promised deadlines. I also noticed some of my new staff fell behind on their end of the deal which began to concern me as it seemed more hours were needed than I budgeted for. If the partner wanted to rip me to shreds, I could take it, but I couldn’t allow him to rip into and then discourage a younger staff member who worked really hard to build a good reputation with the firm.

As I tried to ascertain how many more hours were needed to be done on this particular client to wrap up the audit planning stage, Anya sent me a text.

ANYA: “Hope ur having a nice day.”

ME: “Hope you’re having a nicer one! It looks like I dropped the ball on some of the planning work. Looks like another late night for me. I miss you.”

ANYA: “I’m sorry babe. Working on an event coming up. A networking symposium and dinner. I miss u more. Ha!”

When I read Anya’s text, my heart began to beat as if I just slammed a cup of coffee as it presented the opportunity to find out when it was.

ME: “Impossible! What date is your event set for?”

ANYA: “Not sure of the date yet babe. Why? Do you want to be my date?”

ME: “Ha! I’d love to be your date!”

ANYA: “I wish! I love you.”

ME: “I love you too.”

To hear Anya worked to put this event together, an event she had no idea I would be in attendance at, only put more stress upon me as I struggled to tell her about everything. I didn’t feel too guilty about it though because I felt she should’ve told me who her husband was on the night we decided to pursue a relationship, since he was a fairly prominent person in the business world. Especially since his status was one of the reasons she remained his wife. What I learned over time helped me to understand better why Lance left her as it seemed the kids were not the reason behind it, like I was told. On his website, Lance seemed to perform mostly for B and C list celebs, politicians and business leaders. His singing days for high end clientele however would be over if people learned he had a salacious extramarital affair. This also brought to light why Anya hid many things from me, in the fear our relationship would end just like hers did with Lance. That I’d abandon her due to the pressure and fear of the loss my reputation. Lance knew from the very beginning what awaited him as he had access to the inside of her world. Access, I never had the luxury of. He saw from the beginning things I couldn’t, so that’s why he abandoned her; he knew what he was up against from the beginning, while I never got that opportunity. What Anya failed to realize was that I valued her above everything else, even my reputation as I believed in our love. And if it came down to a choice between my partnership, something I worked hard for over the last ten years, I would’ve chosen her even if the number of months we spent together were under fifteen. No one and nothing else could compete with the love I had for Anya, rep included. I knew myself, and I always followed what felt right in my heart. I was proud of my love for her and all we built together, and felt no shame about any of it. I knew the truth, and the real reason I was in her life as a goodness resided in our love that even she acknowledged, as this was not for any purpose of evil or hatred, but rather what was just, right and fair. While others pretended to know what love was. I lived it every single day as I refused to let a capitalistic driven society tell me otherwise.

ME: “I’ll have to work late tonight because one of my staff members didn’t finish the planning so I’ll have to wrap those up for him tonight. I have no idea why he didn’t finish them.”

ANYA: “Cuz he’s on his duff!”

ME: “He might be!! Hey, where did you get that word from?”

ANYA: “U taught me that word!”

ME: “You did? Wow! You’re like a sponge! I forgot I used that word around you before.”

ANYA: “Ha! Never used it b4 tho.”

ME: “You sound like a pro! Make those kids in the magnet class you sat in when Katie was doing her high school tour feel like the dumb sh*ts!”

ANYA: “Haha! Yea right!”

As my fifteen hour day finally reached its end, Anya sent me a text as I packed up at around nine.

ANYA: “Goodnight u!”

ME: “Goodnight u 2!”

Grateful I got through the day with mostly positive thoughts, I hoped to fade into tomorrow with ease but before I could, I went online for a little bit. For some reason, probably in a state of delirium after such a long day, I decided to google the word “love” to see what came up out of curiosity. What I found seemed to be sent especially to me by the universe as I thought it would make a nice present for Anya to wake up to in the morning.

ME: “My angel, my all, my own self, only a few words today, and that too with yours. What abominable waste of time in such things. Why this deep grief when necessity speaks? Can our love persist otherwise through sacrifices, than by not demanding everything? Canst thou change it, that thou are entirely thine? Oh, God look into beautiful nature and compose your mind to the inevitable. Love demands everything and is quite right, so it is for me with you, for with me, only you forget so easily that I must live for you and for me, were we quite united, you would notice this painful feeling as little as I should.”

ME: “You suffer, you, my dearest creature. Where I am, you are with me, with me and you, I shall arrange that I may live with you. What a life! So! Without you, pursued by the kindness of the people here and there, whom I mean to desire to earn just as little as they earn, humility of man towards men, it pains me, and when I regard myself in connections with the Universe, what I am and what he is, whom one calls the greatest and yet there lies herein again the godlike of man. I weep when I think you will probably only receive on Saturday the first news from me – as you too love – yet I love you stronger, but never hide yourself from me. Oh God – so near! So far! Is it not a real building of heaven, our Love – but as firm, too, as the citadel of heaven.”

ME: “Even in bed my ideas yearn towards you, my Immortal Beloved, here and there joyfully, then again sadly, awaiting from Fate, whether it will listen to us. Yes, I have determined to wander about for so long, far away, until I can fly into your arms and call myself quite at home with you, can send my soul enveloped by yours into the realm of spirits. Yes, I regret it must be. You will get over it all the more as you know my faithfulness to you; never another one can own my heart, never – never! O God, why must one go away from what one loves so, and yet my life, as it is now, is a miserable life. Your love made me the happiest and unhappiest at the same time. At my actual age I should need some continuity, sameness of life, can that exist under our circumstances? Be calm, love me today; yesterday.”

ME: “What longing in tears for you. You. My life. My all. Never doubt the faithfullest heart of your beloved. Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours.”

I removed the parts that didn’t pertain to us, but I had no idea this even existed as it was just a quote I found when I did a search of the word “love”. And I couldn’t text all of this fast enough to her as I anticipated her response to it in the morning.

ANYA: “Good morning! OMG! Where did this come from?”

ME: “I wrote it this morning. Not bad huh?”

ANYA: “What!”

ME: “Just kidding! It’s from letters written by Beethoven back in 1812 called “Immortal Beloved” Crazy huh?”

ANYA: “Wow!”

ME: “R u going in to the office today? How r u?”

ANYA: “No actually not going this morn. Working at home. Facial at 12. I’m good except I miss u. How r u?”

ME: “I feel the same way you do. I’m trying to get your “thingie” because I’m dying to see you again! I really miss you babe.”

ANYA: “I miss u and want to see u too! I’m dying. I miss your touch. I miss your taste. Hungry for you. Office for a bit tomorrow.”

ME: “I miss all of you, babe.”

“I’m dying” hit me hard as I knew the feeling all too well. Any person who loved someone had to pay attention to these things as she continued to ignore herself. Something she would always do if I failed to ignore it myself. How do I, in my right mind, let her go only to die even in only a mental capacity? A mother of two? I truly believed having me in her life benefited her kids more than it could ever hurt them. Unless Anya was the second coming of Meryl Streep then I could be wrong, but her love for me always became more evident and deepened at those times we were “apart”. If our love only grew fonder at those times, wasn’t that the greatest litmus test to determine if we were meant for each other? I couldn’t believe Anya encouraged and allowed me to feel all I did for nothing. Her sadness shook my heart as I made it my mission to save her from herself.

Later that afternoon, Anya sent me a text.

ANYA: “I was just reading that historians feel that the letters were written to a married woman who he loved dearly. ???”

ME: “I didn’t know that but from reading it, I got the impression his circumstances sound similar to ours.”

When I first read Beethoven’s “Immortal Beloved”, an eerie sense wrenched my gut as the dilemma of this musical genius lived through me. That somehow Anya and I lived this same relationship in a past life, and here we were to try again. I guess if the great Beethoven couldn’t woo her to him, a guy like myself who had no such talent, shouldn’t have felt so bad. I doubt however Beethoven took the same precautions I did as I never wanted to fall in love unless I could be with the one I loved. Anya led me to trust the situation, I now found myself in, did not exist. I doubt Beethoven had the wherewithal, like I did, to walk away. And if he reconnected with her months later, and received assurances he would not ever be in the position to write “Immortal Beloved” in the first place, that piece would never of had a reason to be written. The struggle I had with Anya made me wonder if things would be different if I lived in the age of Beethoven. If I was filthy rich, would her issues exist at all? Even as I felt these things, I refused to accuse her or to form my own conclusions based on a false or speculative narrative; what I didn’t know to be true. It also broke my heart to see her suffer and to feel sadness of any kind, as I knew that feeling all too well. I could always disappear into the loneliness of my apartment but Anya couldn’t, and maybe that’s why she went to neighbor social events to hide her sorrow from the kids? At any rate, the truth would eventually reveal itself, either to make things right or make things horribly wrong.

ME: “I miss it when we whisper to each other while our lips touch.”

ANYA: “I miss that too baby. Miss u lots.”

To say it wasn’t the most difficult time of my life, exacerbated by busy season and my mother’s illness would be the greatest of lies ever told. After I lost Denise, I turned my life around in the right direction as I grabbed the world by its poles, but I never prepared myself for this kind of anxiety and the depression that followed it. And how did I find the peace to save my life? Through a white pill, as I sought a return to the place where I first met Anya so I could recapture what I seemed to lose.

Later that afternoon, as if the Universe sensed my plight, Anya sent me a text that gave me the peace I needed without a white pill.

ANYA: “Muah!”

ME: “What was that?”

ANYA: That was a kiss!”

ME: “Oh well, I guess beggars can’t be choosers! Muah! Right back at ya!”

ANYA: “You’ll never believe what is happening. You’re the only person I can tell.”

Her text caught me by surprise as at this point in our love story, I didn’t know if the next text would bring with it a new beginning, or the official end.

ME: “What is it?”

ANYA: “Andrew is on the same baseball team with the son of one of the girls he cheated on me with.”

ME: “What? No kidding? Wow.”

Who could’ve planned this to happen other than the universe? If we weren’t meant to be together, then how was this possible? For it to be right back in her face years later after it happened, how was this not a direct rebuttal to her decision to stay for her kids? The Universe not only watched us, but it listened to us. From my stumble upon “Immortal Beloved” to this unbelievable circumstance and potential good fortune, the spirit of Beethoven intervened to give goodness another chance.

ANYA: “Andrew has his first practice game tonight and I didn’t go cuz I hate her and she hates me. I don’t know how this is going to shake down when we start real games.”

ME: “Which one is it though? There have been a few.”

ANYA: “The one that time I had to check into the hotel.”

ME: “Why would she hate you? She was the one cheating with your husband.”

ANYA: “Cuz I told her husband and he eventually left her. She has since remarried.”

ME: “You had every right to do that though don’t you think? I’m sure you did her a favor. I’m sure she’s a lot happier. The fact she cheated on her husband just tells you she didn’t love her husband anyway.”

ANYA: “Whatever.”

I lived by the golden rule, and Anya reserved the right to let the husband know. She told the husband because she wanted to hurt her marriage the way she hurt Anya’s marriage. Little did Anya know at the time, she did the woman a favor and that’s the last thing she wanted to do for a woman she hated. I didn’t take offense to her “whatever” response because she wanted the woman to suffer like she did for a long time. At the time, Anya was pregnant as I was certain that caused her to be even more angry with her about what she did. She didn’t want that woman to ever be happy after all the happiness she stole from her, and I could easily empathize with that. It was simply the very reason why I chose to be in her life. Anya could hate this woman all she wanted, but since this was not an isolated event, I found her “hate” to be directed at the wrong person, although I could also understand how she felt the way she did.

ME: “I doubt anything bad will happen babe. There are kids involved here.”

ANYA: “Oh I know babe. I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle my anger. Don’t want to miss Andrew’s games but don’t want to sit close to her either.”

Anya’s “anger” concerned me as these emotions suggested she still felt something for Jackson as it left me unsure if they favored us or not. She had me in her life now, so why would this still anger her? Or maybe this was the exact reaction I wanted; enough to inspire her to leave? Regardless, I took this as a good thing that could springboard her to do what I always believed to be the right thing; to end a marriage that bestowed upon her such anger and hatred that she lost the most essential part of any union; trust.

ANYA: “I have an idea!”

ME: “What’s that?”

ANYA: “Why don’t you go to the games and sit with me and they can go sit together! I’m brilliant!”

I couldn’t say a tear didn’t fall from my eye and a smile never formed on my face after I read her text as this new development gave me the hope I needed to formulate only positive conclusions. The universe witnessed my struggle, and now gave me a chance to return to the time we first met; without the help of a little white pill.

ME: “Just let me know the time and place. That’s all I need.”

ANYA: “Haha! No cuz I know you! You’d show up!”

ME: “You bet I would! Glad you know me!”

ANYA: “Haha! She treated me badly afterwards. She would talk about me and give me nasty looks when I would run into her around town.”

ME: “What? Well, let’s face it, babe. Who are you to be upset enough to tell her husband? I mean heaven forbid, you’re only the man’s pregnant wife! How dare you! She sounds so childish it’s ridiculous. Well, anyone who knows you knows you’re the sweetest woman on the face of the planet and you had every right to react and feel the way you did especially when you consider the timing of it all; that you were carrying his child, the second one with him, your son. The timing alone upsets me the most about it. She’s not going to make many friends if she plans to run around town with someone else’s husband while his wife is at home pregnant. But your husband was no better either, babe. In fact, he’s more to blame than she is. She didn’t seduce him into doing anything he didn’t want to do. He’s proven that with the others. The whole thing makes me upset for you. You know how much you mean to me.”

ANYA: “Thank you hun. Don’t get upset. Not worth it. I’m glad I have you. Thanks for listening. I love you, you know.”

ME: “I love you very much, babe. I’m always on your side and I’m always here if and when you need me.”

ANYA: “I know. Thank you. I’m a lucky girl to have you.”

ME: “I’m a lucky man to have your love which is the greatest feeling I’ve ever known.”

ANYA: “Thanks again for being there. On my way to get Katie Girl. Have a goodnight babe. I love you forever.”

ME: “I’m always here babe. I’m not going to let you get rid of me. Goodnight my love. I love you forever.”

After my last text, it bummed me out she didn’t talk with me about it more, but then again. she had to get Katie. I just hoped this brought her closer to home. I couldn’t quit her as much as she couldn’t quit me, and this was evidence to support the beauty and goodness in us, a reason ample enough on its own to support a need never to quit.

ANYA: “Your last text concerns me. What did you mean by that?”

ME: “” I can’t quit u so I need u to quit me.” I’m just recalling what you wrote me in your letter.”

After she told me my last text concerned her, my response was only meant to let her know I would always be there for her, that I couldn’t quit her as much as she couldn’t quit me, especially in light of the new information she just gave me. I interpreted Anya’s anger to exist simply because she had to sit next to Jackson at the games. An unfairness that upset her more to know the man she wanted next to her could not be there. To picture Anya, in anguish and eight months pregnant in front of a man she didn’t know, pressured to confront him about a situation that affected them both greatly under a mountain of stress, made me dislike Jackson even more than I thought possible. I could understand her anger with Jackson because he put her in that position with his deceit. I then recalled him pompous remarks and attitude in San Francisco, and when he visited my office, as I didn’t know how could face him with my indifference. I fantasized about a confrontation with Jackson at the upcoming symposium, when at the end of the event I would thank him for the evening then let him know his wife would be leaving with me. The fantasies I had of a confrontation with Jackson never entailed any physicality, but rather an unveiling of the truth and that the show he put on was now over. I never fantasized about letting Jackson know we made love, or about anything we did sexually. To reveal such things was evidence of only an affair, a decision based on the irrational and immature. Both Anya and I took our relationship seriously and the decision to date was thoughtfully considered before we got involved and if was based on sex, I would have walked away for good. I only fantasized about a confrontation with Jackson because of the goodness of our love and wanted him to know how special it was, and not the details of it. I also wanted him to know all I knew about him so he could never paint himself as a victim. If there were no kids involved, I could have turned by fantasy of confrontation into reality, but with Katie and Andrew in the picture, I couldn’t be the hero I wanted to be. Then again, if Anya never had kids with Jackson, these fantasies of confrontation would cease to exist because she would have left him fifteen months ago.

As Anya tussled with how to handle her unresolved anger during Andrew’s baseball season, I struggled with how to approach the upcoming symposium. Would I be able to hide my disgust with him if he refered to me as “Landman”? Or if he mocked me for having my own office? Or casually took a dig at me for not having a family of my own? What if he held Anya’s hand and paraded her around at the event? What if he built up the façade of his marriage, with her hand in his, in front of a multitude of people who ran local businesses who admired him? My greatest pet peeve in life was dishonesty. The kind of dishonesty that bred fake people who purposely mislead others. People who told lies that served only themselves, and Jackson became the poster boy for my greatest pet peeve. I saw it in San Francisco during our first meeting. I learned the respect he garnered first hand was because of his politics, and not earned by the person he truly was, but by the person he portrayed himself to be. I didn’t expect him to let people know he cheated on his wife several times, but I also didn’t expect him to build himself up as a role model and the world’s most perfect person. And I especially didn’t expect, after all Anya told with me about him, that she would help build his legend after he humiliated her. Humility just never found its way into Jackson’s brand of politics, and that’s why I had a harsh view of him especially after all I learned about him through Anya. I found him to be manipulative, narcissistic and even both socio and psychopathic after the spell he cast over me, before I knew he was Anya’s husband, was broken. If Anya wanted me to truly quit her, then why did she arm me with so much destructive information about him? Was it done to defend myself from him some day when if couldn’t quit her as well? I didn’t know the answer to that, but I felt what she wrote in the letter, “I can’t quit you so I need you to quit me”, would be a breakthrough for us, and not a reason for concern as I failed to understand how it could be.

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

The next morning, Anya kept her concerns alive.

ANYA: “Good morning! Just steeping into KB! I miss u!”

ME: “Good morning! Just getting ready for work! I miss u too!”

ANYA: “Your text last night was contradictory u know that?”

Her “contradictory” assessment of my text troubled me as it came from a person who was a case study in contradiction. Did she really think she was the model for consistency? Maybe I shouldn’t have taken her text to heart, but I felt accused of something her texts presented on numerous occasions yet I never really mentioned it.

ME: “May I ask how it sounded contradictory to you?”

ANYA: “Well you said you were not going to “let me get rid of u” but u sent my quote “I can’t quit you so you have to quit me”, and u said don’t worry. Huh? I don’t understand.”

ME: “Well, I just felt you were trying to make me get rid of you by telling me that I had to quit you because you couldn’t quit me in your letter. I just wanted you to know, I’m not quitting you or going anywhere because I didn’t want you to be “angry” at Andrew’s games when you go. You should be there enjoying the games and not dreading them. Your “anger” concerned me for the same reason my text concerned you. I hope that makes sense.”

ANYA: “Oh ok just confusing. Sorry.”

ME: “It does sound confusing. I’m sorry I didn’t explain myself better.”

After I resolved her confusion, and mine as well, I went into work that day with a clear mind. With an internal restoration in play I began to make headway on the work I fell behind just as the partner in charge, Jerry Samson, called to get an update on my progress.

“Good morning, Landyn.” he said as I retrieved his call.

“Good morning, Jerry.” I answered. “How are you?”

“I’m ok. How’s the planning coming along for Tradewinds Realty?”

Jerry stood about five foot five but built like a stack of bricks. He was passive aggressive with a fiery disposition whenever the accountant stereotypes that made up his passive side, disappeared. It took him thirteen years to work his way up to firm partner, and since it took him twice the amount of time it took me, I sensed resentment towards me for my shorter path as I didn’t feel my entry into the partnership was most welcomed by him.

“I wrapped that up last night.” I replied. “You should have it on your desk for review”.

“Excellent. How’s the planning for Berkshire Homes coming?” he then inquired. “I assume that’s finished too since that fieldwork is due to be finished before the end of this week.”

“Yes. I sent that over to you this morning for your review.”

“Good...and Sentinel Insurance Group? Is SIG ready for me to review as well?”

“I haven’t had time to review the staff’s work and haven’t gotten confirms out yet.”

“Wait a minute.” he said before pausing for a few seconds. “You mean to tell me the confirms haven’t been sent out yet?”

“I’m sorry, Jerry. I haven’t had the time to get those out yet but…”

“No buts, Landyn.” He countered, his voice rising. “Why aren’t the fucking confirms out yet?”

“I’ve been bogged down with the three new clients along with my three continuing engagements.” I responded, anxiety sweeping over me. “I just haven’t had the time to get to them, but I will get make sure they are sent to the client, today and out in the mail by no later than tomorrow.”

“Glad I fucking asked about it or I’d never know those hadn’t gone out yet. I can’t believe I can’t depend on my Senior Manager to let me know these things without asking.” He yelled. “That’s just inexcusable, Landyn. You, of all people, know how important it is to get the confirms out. They can hold up the audit entire audit. If you can’t get to them you have to speak up to someone here so we can find someone to get that done. We can’t miss any of these deadlines, Landyn. I mean. Fuck. How long have you been here? It’s not like you haven’t handled new clients before.”

“You’re right, and I apologize. I should have reached out to someone. I’ll get those taken care of today.”

“I’m going to talk to Clyde about this.” he stated. “This is absolutely unacceptable. Speak up if it’s too much for you to handle. It’s not fair to the firm.”

“I understand. I’ll let you know when…” I told him before he hung up on me.

There was truth to both sides of the coin. No doubt my current relationship trouble and my mother’s illness played a part in why I fell behind on the Sentinel audit, and I had no one to blame for that but myself. I hardly slept to deal with my emotions, not to put the extra time needed to plan the audit to avoid Jerry’s ire. It was my first dustup with Jerry, and although I also had a valid excuse with the new business taken on, business I played a part in getting, I didn’t want to argue with a future business partner. Jerry was the firm’s rainmaker until I helped seal the CPG account as Clyde gravitated towards me and away from him. I didn’t think it was coincidence Jerry and I had out first disagreement after we obtained the CPG account, the subsequent business and promotion to partner. As much as I wanted to challenge Jerry to do all the work I took on, I had to admit internally, my personal life had overtaken my professional life. I had to take some responsibility for that without an admission that’s what caused the bottleneck. This tested my mental resolve though as I felt discouraged and uninspired by everything that seemed to collapse upon me. As I closed my office door, sat down in quiet contemplation, and tried to refocus, Anya sent me a text.

ANYA: “Would you ever consider getting a Blackberry phone?”

ME: “I would. Is there a reason why I should though?”

ANYA: “Oh cuz if you have a Blackberry we can IM and it’s easier. You don’t have to send multiple texts. You can just type away and it’s B to B so it doesn’t go to your comp.”

Anya’s random text led me to wonder where it originated from. Was it the “Immortal Beloved” texts I sent that required seventeen texts to compose? Did someone tell her the texts I sent from my phone were saved to a central server and were archived, or were they traceable to a computer Jackson possibly had access to? Or perhaps she mentioned this because it was easier for her to type on so when she was at the games, with him, she could communicate all she dealt with and not draw any suspicion from him.

ME: “I’ll look into getting one, babe.”

ANYA: “Don’t look into it just for me. I thought if u had a Blackberry fone we could do that. My friend, Carla, got me on it so when we have a lot to say we type under IM.”

When she mentioned “when we have a lot to say we type under IM” it made sense she wanted to talk to me whenever she got upset at the games, and that’s was all I needed to be sold on the device.

ME: “Oh ok, babe. I’ll go pick one up later today.”

ANYA: “No no! You’re impossible!”

ME: “I was just kidding babe.”

ANYA: “No, you are!”

ME: “I may and I may not now. Depends on how I feel!”

ANYA: “Ahhh but they have different versions of Blackberry fones. Now what r u going to do?”

ME: “Oh no, really? What will I do now? Well, I guess I’ll just have to ask the helpful clerk for the pink one and then ask for the same version in black. Problem solved!”

ANYA: “You are impossible.”

Whenever I had the chance to make her happy or to just feel closer to her, I jumped all over it, even if it put me out a few hundred dollars. I couldn’t explain, as a businessman, why I didn’t have a blackberry phone already as my current cell phone was seven years old and well beyond the times. I had a special bond with my current phone though as my heart and its red light were in sync when it blinked each time Anya texted me. I also hated to part with the comfort of its icons and sounds it gave me whenever Anya contacted me as it proved the Pavlov’s dog theory each time she did. To part with my phone, in a way, would also be to part with Anya’s love in a way. As crazy as it sounded, I felt like I lost a piece of her if I did.

Anya’s text made me feel better after Jerry’s pointed criticism of the way I handled the new business, the first time I ever had a partner complaint of any kind. It mostly rubbed me the wrong way because he knew a new accounting pronouncement expanded the planning stage of the audits, and this was the first year we implemented the additional audit planning procedures. I just felt that should have been taken into consideration when he got upset with me. As the newest partner with the firm, and with so much at stake for me with Anya, it wouldn’t be right for me to defend myself or disagree with Jerry. I always tended to put my head down and worked to improve the next time around, and that’s part of the reason why I got promoted. The best thing to do was to put myself in Jerry’s shoes, take responsibility for my role for the confirms not being sent out, and to work harder for him. Even though I disagreed with his management style, we were all different and each had our own way to manage our jobs, however we were all successful, too.

To stay late proved impossible on this night, so I decided to pack up to leave the office to try again the next day, as the fifteen-hour days and the lack of sleep, wore me down. As the elevator took me back to solid ground, I thought about my mom and her personal struggle as I tried to put my hard day in perspective. And it began to eat away at me to know my mother would have taken my place if she could.

ANYA: “How was your day?”

ME: “To be honest, I don’t have many of them, but it was one of those days I wanted to just crawl under a rock and never come out from under it. I just felt a lot of pressure at work today.”

ANYA: “Awww is that how you feel, babe? Wish I could massage all your pressure away and give you gentle kisses.”

Her words of the sweetest comfort nearly made me cry just as the doors of the elevator opened as she showed another reason why I loved and wanted to be with her forever. I knew I if had that kind of love to come home to each night, it would give any day, even worse than the one I had, a chance to be a good one.

ME: “Thank you, babe. If I could come home to your love, I know I’d never have a bad day. I guess when I get fatigued, and I think of my mom, I get more stressed out so that added to my tough day. She has a chemo treatment tomorrow.”

ANYA: “I’m so sorry babe. I wish I could help. I’ll pray for her.”

ME: “Thank u, Sweetheart.”

Not the best of days, if not weeks for me as I felt all I built began to collapse upon me, like a once vibrant star now in its death throes. An especially lonely one without Anya as a wished the for her face to greet me instead of the darkness when I entered my cold apartment. Surrounded by reality, I texted Anya an hour later to see if I could dream for a little bit.

ANYA: “Sorry can’t talk tonite. Wish I could. Andrew has a big test tomorrow. Have a goodnight babe. I’m sorry for all the stuff you’re dealing with right now. I love you.”

ME: “Thank you, Sweetheart. I love you too. Goodnight love.”

I felt ashamed to reach out for her to be there for me, and I don’t know why I even did. That massage and those gentle kisses sounded so good, but the cold four walls that surrounded me at the moment were all I had. The truth was, I grew tired of coming home to nothing but four walls and having to eat alone. Tired of the stillness that surrounded me and the nothing that filled me. Didn’t I deserve better than this reality while men like Jackson, who cheated and emotionally abused their wives, lived the ultimate dream? How did my love for her morph into this extension of my low self esteem? How did this kind of life I lived now become good enough? How could I accept being loved on someone’s own timetable? I accepted this all because I knew if I lost Anya, I’d never trust anyone who loved me again. As much as I needed Anya, I couldn’t expect her to be there for me especially when I wanted her kids to come before me. All these emotions, exacerbated by my mother’s illness and the stress as it mounted at work, I’d have to learn to figure out on my own regardless of the darkness around me.

The next morning, I felt a need to apologize to Anya.

ME: “Good morning! I’m sorry about last night, babe. I didn’t mean to distract you from helping Andrew study for his test. I hope he does well! How r u?”

ANYA: “Good morning! I’m good. Just worried about u. What time does your mom go in?”

ME: “Please don’t worry babe. I’m ok. She’s had chemo before but this treatment will be stronger than she usually has. She goes in at 10. Not sure when she’ll be home because of the side effects. Thanks for asking babe.”

ANYA: “I see. Well u know I’m here. Busy day? Stupid question?”

Before I could respond, I heard a knock on my office door. I looked up to see Clyde, and then motioned for him to come in.

“Do you have a minute, Landyn?”

“Of course. Of course.” I told Clyde as he entered my office, shut the door behind him, took a seat in front of me and crossed his legs.

“I received a distress call from Jerry yesterday.” he informed me. “He’s concerned about Sentinel’s planning. Has that not been done? Can you tell me where we're at?”

“I had a staff person send our confirm selections to the client yesterday. I told Jerry I would do that.” I explained, worrying about what direction this excuse would lead me. “I fell behind a little bit mostly because the additional planning procedures took more time than I thought it would. I should have reached out for help though but didn’t want to take staff away from people. It’s been a little challenging to stay under budget and keep up this busy season with all the new business and procedures to be honest.”

“Are you getting all the help you need though?” he asked with genuine concern. “Is everything alright? I understand it’s a little challenging this year but I need to know if we’re understaffed so we can budget for it to sustain the increased business.”

“I am, Clyde and I apologized to Jerry. I just fell behind the eight ball.” I answered honestly. “We’re back on track now.”

“Well, if you need any additional staff let me know. We can get you the help you need. You’re not stretching us too thin or bothering anyone.”

“Thanks Clyde. I will reach out if I come under the gun again.”

“You know my door is always open.” he told me before rising from his chair. “Oh, and by the way, do you want your door open?”

“Yes, please.” I replied, smiling. “And Clyde…”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you, Landyn.” he said, then nodding once. “Just wanted to make sure you were fine.”

“I appreciate that. I am.”

“Have a good one.”

“You too.”

Once Clyde disappeared from view, I noticed Anya answered her own text.

ANYA: “Yea. Stupid question. Well have a good day. Chat later babe!”

ME: “Sorry babe, got wrapped up. Yep, unfortunately it’s going to be a long one. After what u told me last night about Andrew’s test I just don’t feel it’s right for me to talk to you about this. It would take you away from your kids and that’s not fair to you or them. I think about your letter and even though I know your husband is to blame for your unhappiness and the feeling of any pain and guilt about you not being there for Katie, I don’t want to contribute to that.”

ANYA: “You’ve done nothing but support me.”

ME: “I can support you though because it’s just me here. As badly as I want you to be there for me because I need you, and you’re the only one that helps me feel better because you’re the one that matters to me, I can’t allow you to be there for me without feeling really guilty about it because of your kids.”

ANYA: “Don’t feel guilty. I plan on being here for u. I’m not going anywhere. I care so much. You better tell me everything. That’s an order! Ha!”

ME: “Haha! And you think I’m impossible, huh?”

ANYA: “Yup!”

ME: “I still have you waiting for my thingie too.”

ANYA: “The thingie is the least of your concern right now. I know you’re with me babe. You don’t have to worry about it right now.”

If there was anything impossible about our love, it was to give up on it. My mind was into her too deeply at this point and there was no turning back. Unless I lost my partnership with the firm, I couldn’t let her go as to let her go would be to jump off an eighteen story building and to hope for a soft landing. In an effort to get my mind off of the loneliness, I decided to stop off at Whole Foods before I went home after work, to pick up all the ingredients necessary to make her delicious truffle rice recipe. An imitation of the rice dish she prepared for me on my birthday was the closest thing I had to her at my apartment with me. I could then sit at the kitchen counter and pretend she sat right next to me like she did a few weeks earlier if I had to. I could fire up the old desktop and have my beautiful screen saver in my line of sight at the same time. I even put played “Toda Una Vida” while I ate and had a glass of wine.

Just as I returned to my car with all the things I needed to feel close to her for the evening, she texted me to see how my day went.

ME: “I had a better day today. My mother’s chemo treatment went well. She’s not feeling as sick as we thought she would. On the way home, I picked up all the items to make your truffle rice. I even snagged some pumpkin biscottis! I think I got everything. Going to make it tonight and pretend you’re sitting right next to me! How is your day going, babe?”

ANYA: “You’re an angel, you know that? I’m glad she is. Day is fine thx.”

It sounded as if Anya didn’t have the best of days today, but I didn’t want to pry as badly as I wanted to know. Her “day is fine thx” description told me her day was everything but “fine”. As I started my hopeless romantic work in the kitchen, through a dish that made me fall more in love with her, she sent me a text just as I finished.

ANYA: “Thinking of you.”

ME: “Thinking of you too! Just finished the truffle rice although I had to use tap water because I ran out of bottled water! I hope I don’t die! Just getting ready to put some white truffle oil on it to make the truffle rice official.”

ANYA: “Don’t forget the parmesan cheese! Won’t taste right without it. Tap water won’t kill u! Ha! Of course, I’d go to the store for you if I could.”

ME: “I love my shredded parmesan cheese! Got two tubs of it! I didn’t get the almonds though because I couldn’t find them. I’m sure this won’t even taste as good as yours, but oh well. Oh babe, I’d never make you go to the store for me. Would love to go for you though! You’re the cook and I’d be your servant in the kitchen! Nobody at a restaurant makes the chef go to the store for crying out loud!”

ANYA: “I just love you!”

ME: “I just love you too!”

The only thing that could’ve have made my dinner at home any better was if Anya was standing next to me, but at least I felt her love. Of course, my version of her truffle rice paled in comparison, as it was edible at best, but in the end it only made me miss her more.

Later that evening, after I cleaned up the mess I created, Anya sent me a text.

ANYA: “Have a goodnight babe. Muah!”

ME: “Goodnight “My Beautiful Beloved”! Muah!”

As her goodnight text signaled the last time, I’d hear from her for the day, the lights seemed to dim as the four silent walls began to close in once again. As I fought off the sadness that began to build, I decided to go through the music on my Ipod and came across an old song I hadn’t listened to in years titled “Lady Starlight” by the Scorpions. I used to listen to it when I was younger and wondered when, or if, there would ever be a face to this song for me one day. Now, twenty eight years later, I did, and it made me happy enough to cry yet also scared me to know there could never be another face to “Lady Starlight” for me. Now when I listened to the guitar solo that ended the song, I imagined Anya coming into my arms and we shared glances and soft kisses as we held each other close and slow danced until the song faded. I listened to it at least five times and each time I saw her face, a countenance I couldn’t have dreamt back then being this beautiful, even more beautiful than the song itself. If I couldn’t fight for Anya, then what in this world could I ever fight for?

When the next morning arrived, a Friday, I didn’t hear from her. After a night with the face of “Lady Starlight”, I had to reach out to her.

ME: “How r u babe? What r u up to today?”

ANYA: “Good! Just finished KB. Having lunch and shopping w/Carolyn today! How r u?”

ME: “I’m good. How fun! Where are you girls headed? R u going to the movies?”

ANYA: “Hi! Just getting here! We’re meeting at the mall by your place. No movie just lunch and shopping.”

It hurt to know she was so close yet seemed so far at the same time. In the past, she would’ve hinted at me to come see her, and Carolyn would even push her to, but her visit near my apartment felt like an intrusion of their plans if I asked to see her. Then again, maybe all the fatigue and stress I experienced made it seem that way and she felt the way I did? I guess, I felt a little disconnected from her. Later that evening, my cell phone called to me as its red light blinked.

ANYA: “How r u?”

ME: “I’m hanging in there. How r u?”

ANYA: “Hanging in there too.”

Anya seemed sad. Maybe this one was on my low sense of self and I should’ve reached out to her to ask if I could say hello. I had to recognize my low self-esteem, a constant state of fear I tried to ignore, let Anya down at times to no fault of her own.

ME: “I love you babe.”

ANYA: “I love you too.”

The time to confront my subconscious, sometimes conscious, state of fear arrived. If I couldn’t do it now, with Anya’s love, then when would I ever find the courage to walk inside a jewelry store for her to have something to hold from me? With absolutely zero doubt of where I wanted to go, and actually with a clue; I made my way to Tiffany and Company. My reflection stared back at me through the glass window, a partition between my love for Anya and her love for me. With no idea how to approach a purchase I’ve made only in my dreams; I took my first ever step into a jewelry store. It felt like I just walked on the moon, as it may have been one small step for man, but it was one giant leap for Landyn, When I entered, the only people I saw were its salespeople. As I felt a little out of place, like a skater on a thin sheet of ice, ten eyes leaped in my direction to either aid in my own self discovery or my own self destruction. To my surprise however, eight of those eyes greeted me and even accepted me as I was approached by a young petite, blue eyed, blonde who flashed a bright smile at me.

“Can we help you find anything, Sir?” she asked.

“You know…I’m looking for the necklace aisle…I mean section…glass display area?” I replied nervously, frantically looking around for it.

“That would be a little further down and to your left, Sir.” she instructed. “Kara can assist you if you have any questions.”

“Oh! Thank you.” I responded with relief after seemingly passing that particular checkpoint before continuing my journey deeper into the heart of darkness.

When I reached the glass display case of destiny, I peered into a soft bed of exquisite and shiny silver and gold necklaces, all strategically placed to be beautiful to the eye. As my eyes moved, their bands seemed to dance as they magically sparkled, like sun rays that glimmered on an ocean. I felt in such a daze, I didn’t know what to say or do, as I thought it more proper to look away from their allure and acknowledge Kara.

“Hi.” I said.

Kara was a young petite woman as well, but with brunette shoulder length hair and with another pristine smile.

“Hi! I’m Kara. What’s your name?” she asked as she extended her hand out to me

“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s Landyn.” I responded, meeting her small soft hand in mine.

“Are you looking for something for your wife tonight?” she inquired.

“It’s for my girlfriend. I hope she’ll be my wife one day though, so possibly!” I exclaimed, transporting myself under a Paris moon and on one knee.

“Oh, I see!” she replied enthusiastically, moving her dark hair over her right ear. “Just so you know, we have a thirty-day return policy.”

“Oh. Thanks for letting me know.” I told her, fearing she may have known something I didn’t.

“Do you know what types of jewelry she likes?” she further inquired. “Does she have any preferences?”

“There’s other types of jewelry beyond necklaces and rings?” I said joking, but also with uncertainty.

“There are!” she stated. “Have you bought jewelry for her before?”

“I’ve never bought jewelry for anyone before.” I replied with nervous laughter. “I know very little about jewelry…if anything at all. I couldn’t tell the difference between a carat and a carrot.”

“Well, a carat is unit of weight for jewelry. It’s equivalent to two hundred milligrams.”

“And the carrot? I guess the only difference from a carat is the weight I imagine.”

“That. And of course, everything else.” She told me, smiling. “But I’ll go out on a limb here and say you know the differences.”

“You’re got me all figured out now.” I admitted, returning her smile with mine. “Well, maybe I’m not that jewelry illiterate, but I didn’t know a carat was two hundred milligrams until now. So, thank you for that. See, you’re already a huge help.”

“Do you know what type of jewelry she likes or would wear?”

“I do.” I told her before stopping dead in my tracks then pointing to the top of the fourth glass display case we walked by. “That’s the type right there.”

“This one.” she wondered, looking at me to make sure.

“The one next to it. On your right.” I replied, making sure her hand found the right one. “Can I see it?”

“Absolutely!” she replied, gently removed it from its resting place then carefully placed it in my hand.

As I held it in my hand, and just like each time I gazed into Anya’s eyes, I got lost in its beauty as it sparkled magnificently in the light. Each of the tiny diamonds, twenty of them to be exact all within a heart pendant, seemed to have their own character as they shone differently in the light. I then imagined how the sunlight would make it dazzle as it laid upon her neckline. It’s thin slight silver band also made it easy to hide if she desired to wear it often. I fell in love with the necklace so quickly, I knew it was the one for her as I loved it the same way I loved Anya; simply, purely and beautifully.

“Well, what do you think?” she asked.

“I have one question.”

“The price?” She guessed.

“No.”

“I’m sorry. That’s usually the first thing a customer wants to know.”

“Oh, I understand, but money is not the issue for me at all. She’s worth much more to me than this anyway.”

“What’s your question?”

“Is this something you would buy for yourself to wear?” I asked. “Or is it too ostentatious?”

“It’s really nice but it’s not too flashy or showy.” she claimed. “I would buy this for myself…if I could afford it. Why would you ask? Do you not like it?”

“Oh, I just needed a woman’s perspective since she’s not here and I wanted to surprise her” I quickly countered, trying to evade any questions from her. “I think it’s simple and beautiful. Wouldn’t you agree?”

“I would.” she told me. “It’s both a simple, and beautiful, piece of jewelry.”

“How much is it?”

“That necklace is…” she said, looking back down to where it originally laid. “Fourteen hundred.”

“Did you say fourteen hundred dollars?”

“Yes, that’s correct. Fourteen hundred dollars.” she confirmed, showing me the small price tag that must have slipped off the band.

“Well then, I guess I’ll just have to take it!” I assured.

“Great! It’s beautiful. She’s going to love it” she said to me. “She’s one lucky girl.”

“As beautiful as this necklace is Kara, in my eyes, there’s nothing more beautiful than she is.... I’m actually the lucky one.”

“She sounds like a special woman.”

“There hasn’t been a day, since I met her, that I don’t have to pinch myself. Every day feels like I’m living some crazy dream.”

Kara smiled at me as I went from fear to comfort. I never thought this experience would also be one of a therapeutic nature as it allowed me to speak freely and comfortably about my love for her. The price was a pretty large hit for me. I knew it would take away from the travels and ring I saved up for her, and not to mention, a down payment on a home. However, the price was a small one to pay, and fell way short of a repayment of any kind, for someone who gave me so much love and happiness. Although Anya was the first woman, I ever bought jewelry for, I wanted her to have two titles. The first woman I ever bought jewelry for, and the last one I ever bought jewelry for.

Kara then handed me the thingie in a turquoise pouch with the words Tiffany & Co. imprinted on it. I thanked her before I left and waved goodbye to the all the eyes that greeted me when I arrived. When I got outside, I breathed a sigh of relief as I felt like I just scaled Mount Everest. While inside my car, I opened up the pouch to gaze at the necklace again and imagined it upon Anya’s breastplate as I hoped she liked it as much as I did. I then reached for my phone and composed a text to her.

ME: “Simple, pure and beautiful just like our love. I hope you like it.”

Fear got tangled up with hope as I waited in anticipation of her response. I didn’t know what to expect other than the unexpected, but I didn’t wait longer than a minute before she did.

ANYA: “Ahhhh! Did u get it?”

ME: “I did!”

ANYA: “OMG!!! So excited!”

ME: “I’m excited too and I’ll be fine so don’t worry! I want you to have something from me with you. I love you. I think it’s something you would pick out for yourself. Whenever you want to pick it up, just let me know babe. I know you’re busy these days!”

ANYA: “I’m sure it’s perfect babe! You’re the busy one! I would love it this weekend but crazy with games! Maybe next week?”

ME: “I’m busy but I promised you, babe. Next week sounds perfect! Can’t wait!”

ANYA: “Ok! I can’t wait either! Thank you! I love you!”

Hope and love filled my heart as I’d finally be able to see her again. And although I didn’t hear from her for the rest of the evening, her excitement about the thingie, with zero resistance, got me through the dark.

The next day brought with it a text from Anya and also our fifteenth month of our love and friendship.

ANYA: “Good morning! I went home and crashed last night. Carolyn and I had wine at lunch and it made me tired. I’m so excited about the thingie!”

ME: “Good morning! That’s why I can never drink in the afternoon. It totally wipes me out! I’m excited about you having it!”

ANYA: “I still can’t believe you picked it up last night! That didn’t take long at all!”

ME: “I didn’t want to keep you waiting babe. Especially considering the development with your son’s baseball team. I just hope you like it!”

ANYA: “I’ll love it! Like I said it doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s from you!”

ME: “Thanks for making me feel so special, babe. Now you’ll have a thingie and my saved texts if you don’t delete them one day.”

ANYA: “Never!”

As a Saturday night fell upon me, after another quiet day from Anya brought with it a loudness in my head as I played out worst case scenarios about her home life on Saturday nights. When I returned home from my Saturday at the office, I refused to fall prey again to my negative emotions and the four walls that tried to eat me alive, so I reached out to her to change out my nightmarish thoughts with reality.

ME: “Just finished another Saturday at the office! Five more Saturdays to go! What r u up to?”

ANYA: “Good for u! I have to get back home by 5 p.m. for Andrew’s baseball game. Not looking forward to it.”

And just like that, the nightmarish scenarios that I built in my head, the ones that toyed with my emotions and wanted me to not believe she could love me so deeply, were vanquished.

ME: “I’m sorry, Beautiful. Hey, you’re there for Andrew, and that’s it. Don’t let her ruin this experience and bring you down with her. Just let her be her miserable hateful self. She was in the wrong, and that was your husband. She has no right to be mad at you and no one to be mad at here, but herself. Don’t give her a second thought, babe. That’s what she wants.”

ANYA: “Thank u. I found out that you stay with the same team for two years.”

ME: “Oh, well I guess she’s going to have to be an adult for 2 years. She needs it. I’m sorry you even have to deal with this.”

Anya was faithful to Jackson, and he broke his vows, but so did the other woman since she too, was married. Since Jackson apparently had no plans to stop, Anya was emotionally distraught enough to tell her husband. I believed she did both of them a favor; they didn’t belong together as much and Anya and Jackson didn’t. What Anya did was a natural thing, and I would’ve been compelled to do the same. The truth could never be in the wrong, and people had a right to it. If someone is unfaithful in a marriage, I felt the other party had the right to know. I didn’t believe details were necessary, but the right to know the truth was. Anya had a right to stop her heart from further hemorrhage. She probably told Jackson to stop, but he never did. If the woman should be mad at anyone though, she should be mad at only two people, Jackson and herself. If that woman still hated Anya, after all these years, she was full of hate to begin with as I didn’t understand how she still could be. I didn’t see the risk reward in Jackson Caiaphas that this lady did, and what even Anya may still have seen.

I then began to think about her shopping trip the prior day with Carolyn. Anya told me both Carolyn and Debbie didn’t know her husband cheated on her. Again, I had my doubts because of the timing of their trip to the mall and the afternoon “spill” that ensued. How was Anya able to hide this when she knew Carolyn was in the same boat. Something like this seemed to suggest how they connected as friends. Anya told me, a perfect stranger, about her husband’s infidelities and even told Lance the same. The only thing that could have stopped her from telling Carolyn and Debbie was the possible business aspect of their relationship. Maybe Carolyn’s husband was also a doctor and rented an office in one of Jackson’s buildings? Maybe they could lose money if Carolyn knew because of this? It’s hard to say but I had to admit, it seemed at times both Carolyn and Debbie had to know about the infidelities if I knew. It worried me that once again that bad advice could be given to Anya without knowledge of all the facts. I put my heart on the line in a huge way for Anya and I didn’t see any fairness if that took place. I knew Carolyn pushed her to work things out with Jackson. I also knew they took trips together so I feared she sided with Jackson, all because of his wealth, over me who only had my love to offer at the moment. To know she Carolyn never said “hi” to me anymore, heightened my worry.

To deal with the anxiety on this Saturday evening, I decided to open a bottle of wine and sit on my balcony in a lounge chair to gaze at the sky. The sky always brought me some peace as I looked beyond the moon and into the heavens at the countless stars in the sky. Out of those billions of stars, one had to yield hope of life. Everything above me, above us and within us was a miracle. The human body itself was a miracle, much like the heavens were. I then suddenly felt close to Anya, because I knew she was outside too, and could see the same moon as it felt like New York city all over again. When she learned Jackson’s ex-lover played on the same team as her son, was I the only one who felt that wasn’t coincidence? But if I mentioned this to Anya, would it be perceived as happiness on my part this happened? That I took pleasure in her struggle at Andrew’s baseball games? I had to ask myself a really hard question, like all the theories of the heavens I gazed at, wouldn’t she see an opportunity in this for us to be together, if she truly had any intentions to ever be with me? I know I received her “you can sit with me and he can sit with her” solution, but it was said more as a joke than anything to be taken seriously. She even feared I would actually show up. I understood how she could be affected by this, and she had a right to be angry, but if she truly hoped, wished and dreamt about us being married one day, why would she look at this with anger instead of hope? As I branded this question into my mind, my heart needed another glass of wine. After I took my first sip of my second glass, the red light on my phone blinked as it almost made me cry with happiness.

ANYA: “Hate this I swear.”

After I read her text, my happiness turned to sorrow as it tormented me to see her go through this alone, while I was alone, and so in love with her, yet unable to be by her side. I didn’t know what to tell her, but I feared her anger would get the best of her and this lady would win. I didn’t want Anya to break, but if she did, what would it mean? Would it mean she still loved Jackson, or would it provide an opportunity for us to be together? I truly understood how Anya felt. Sometimes, it didn’t matter how many years passed by, some things were just impossible to get past emotionally. This woman, one of three, willingly stole a piece of Anya’s happiness in life, at a time she carried her son. Although I felt Anya should’ve despised Jackson just as much, and divorced him, he got a free pass because she carried his second child. It was a scary time for her and how could she raise two kids on her own? She knew they needed their father in their lives and she doubted her ability to find a man who would take care of them the way he could. I understood her decision to stay at that time, she didn’t have someone for her back then, but she had every reason in the world to leave him because now she did. The more I dwelled on this, the more I needed to leave my apartment before the walls caved in on me.

An hour later I found myself, with my third drink of the evening in hand, at Sonomas as I tried to deal with all the stress heaped upon me. I found Anya’s dilemma, one of Jackson’s ex-mistresses who had her son on the same team as hers, to be like a large electric sign. One put up front and center of her as the ultimate signal to leave Jackson, another reason she had to leave him. I could understand her stance to just grin and bear it if I wasn’t in her life, but to have me in her life in such a huge way, after she told me “nothing is impossible” and “divorces happen all the time” then decide to “hate it” rather than see the brilliant sign, the perfect truth before her, at a time I needed her the most, messed me up mentally. Jackson’s infidelities now surrounded her and were ready for a full on emotional ambush of her; to the point she had seconds thoughts about going to her son’s baseball games. That alone brought to life the reason why she wasn’t there for her kids. The reason she wasn’t there for her kids was because of Jackson’s gross emotional and mental abuse of her through his infidelities because if he had been faithful, I would’ve never known Anya, let alone got close to her. Why she felt guilt for her happiness was an extension of Jackson’s emotional abuse from her to me, and if I didn’t like Jackson much, I certainly didn’t care for him much now. So much so, I fantasized about a confrontation with him. Not a physical one, but to let him know he could fool all the people that bought what he sold them, but he could never fool me because I didn’t want any of what he had to sell. How many more signs did she need to know her marriage had to end? That the marriage itself was the reason why Katie struggled. Why the marriage itself led her to miss me enough to die inside? Why the marriage itself now threatened to keep her away from Andrew’s games? I didn’t want to support her marriage, but I loved her so much, I wanted to see her at those games to let that woman know, you’re buried in the past and something much better came along to the point I don’t care anymore. In fact, I’m happy about what happened between you and my husband because it gave me the chance to find a real love. It killed me to wonder why couldn’t she see the gift in this from the universe, be an adult and do the right thing and be honest with her kids so she could be there for them? So, something like this could never happen again? According to her own daughter, change was necessary for growth. Why couldn’t she see her daughter’s words of wisdom? If, Katie understood that, how come Anya refused to, if she truly wanted to wear my ring one day?

As I stood there in quiet despair, I decided to walk in “our office” to reminisce. To imagine she stood before me, back against the wooden wall but her eyes fallen into mine, with all the love I ever felt in this world from another person, as she asked if I would fight for her. As I made my way to “our office”, I caught a familiar face, someone I never expected to see here by herself, Carolyn. When our eyes met, she then glanced quickly away and walked outside the bar as if she had just seen a ghost. Her abrupt exit worried me as I didn’t tell Anya I planned to go to Sonomas. I would tell Anya tomorrow about it, but I couldn’t take the loneliness at home when I wanted to be by her side at the game, something she refused to allow. I didn’t know where else to escape to, but only a place to feel close to her, the place we met. I didn’t come to meet anyone as my heart only had room for Anya, but Carolyn didn’t know that, I was Sasquatch compared to all the other men she ever knew. If she pushed Anya to stay with Jackson, she probably thought I was like every other man out there, including Jackson but without his wealth and reputation. I only planned to stay for an hour, if that long. Carolyn and I seemed to have a body sign agreement to pretend we didn’t see each other, however I found it rather odd a married woman was here by herself, as this had to be the reason why I never received an invitation to their spill at the mall the prior day; to discuss in private their affairs of the heart. I just wished Carolyn knew the truth about why I was involved with Anya, and if she did know anything, the reason I believed in our love.

Before I could enter “our office” to feel close to her though, I felt a hand latch onto my shoulder.

Was it Jackson?

No, but who else would be at Sonomas other than Mitch?

“We need to talk.” demanded the male voice.