“Life is short and if you’re looking for extension, you had best do well.
‘Cause there’s good deeds and then there’s good intentions.
They are as far apart as Heaven and Hell.”
~ “Ground on Down” Ben Harper
After I read her text, all I could do was stare at my phone while my hand trembled terribly--how would I respond? In fact, I was afraid to respond at all; in denial the world I dreamt of everyday, one I actually lived, all I’ve known and loved for nearly eleven months began to crumble around me as Denise 2.0 reared its ugly head.
2:19 p.m.
“I think we should wait until I figure out what I want to do.”
2:20 p.m.
“Sorry to drop the bomb but I’ve been a wreck all day and I didn’t want u to wonder.”
At this point I decided to step away from my desk and take a walk outside--the first time I ever had to leave the office over our relationship.
2:28 p.m.
“I am so sorry. It’s shitty of me to text u but I’m a mess. I’m sick to my stomach. I’m sure you hate me right now. I don’t want to hurt u, my love, my life.”
2:32 p.m.
“I’m distracted. All I think about is you. All I want is to be with you when I’m sitting there helping with homework, making dinner, watching TV, anything. I’m not there.”
2:33 p.m.
“I need to figure it out then make a decision first.”
I tried to digest all of her texts as they streamed in, each one pulling me toward and away from her at the same time. The part I loved about her texts was their honesty about everything. She didn’t leave me in the dark, but I felt this coming over the last two weeks--believing she sought ways to break away instead of ways to be together. As much as I ached to be with her, I had to be honest with myself--it just didn’t feel like she genuinely loved me--viewing me more as a disease than the cure. More as a luxury than a need; more as a temporary stress relief than a permanent solution. That’s all I could feel while trying to keep it together and understand where she was coming from. But the more I felt that way, the harder it became to contain the negative emotions that slowly built up within.
ME: “I often wonder if you’re truly unhappy and miserable how this is not reflected upon your kids and how that is any good for them b/c it affects their emotional well-being. I don’t know how it couldn’t. I wonder how watching your marriage and them thinking your marriage is normal can be good for them as well. I also wonder how living in a neighborhood where cheating is apparently rampant could be a good thing to grow up in regardless of the affluence that surrounds them. But most of all, I wonder why they seem to be taught that money and material things lead to happiness. I think you owe it to them to teach them that’s not true.”
Her response to this absolute truth would provide me with the way of her thinking as if she truly wanted the best for her kids, and if she truly loved me, I felt she wouldn’t disagree with what I texted to her, as my heart held out hope my mind would not overtake it as she sent me her next barrage of texts in response.
3:08 p.m.
“I wasn’t out looking for you. I fell in love with you. I want to be with you. I’m scared to death, I don’t want to hurt anyone, I will always love you.”
3:11 p.m.
“I love you and yes I want to be with you. I dream of it every day and have real thoughts of telling my husband.”
3:11 p.m.
“You want the truth? Here’s the truth. The truth is I was betrayed. I’m not happy but I’m there for the kids, cheating is not rampant, money does not equal happiness.”
The last thing I wanted to do was question her struggle but I felt she deserved the honesty of what I felt about this just as much as she felt I deserve this honesty from her.
ME: “I don’t believe cheating is rampant. I just believe it’s prevalent around where you live and I question how that is any good for your kids to be around. Is love afraid of anything? Especially true love? I think love sees the good in us, and not the bad. All the things that could go right instead of all the things that can go wrong. I’m sorry but I don’t feel you want to be with me nor are in love with me right now, and to be honest, I’ve felt this way all week. If you stay, I’d feel you’d choose him and your marriage over me, and not your kids.”
ANYA: “I’m sorry if you don’t believe me. I don’t blame you. I think I need to figure it out first. I understand if you don’t want any part of me should I decide to leave. If you want to talk I will make myself available anytime between 5:45 – 7 pm tonight.”
ME: “I just feel if you can stay in your marriage, after all we’ve shared, I’d feel you chose your husband over me.”
ANYA: “Please don’t call me if you’re going to be angry. I don’t know if I can handle it. We can wait until tomorrow if it’s too soon. Again, it’s not you against him.”
In our relationship, the one thing Anya never had to face that I did on a daily basis, was another person she shared some kind of intimacy with. Although I felt she loved me more than she loved Jackson, she represented to me he meant nothing to her, and before I decided to go this route, he would be a non-issue and her marital status would change if she fell in love with me, and I didn’t think that was fair to my heart. To tell me “I don’t think I can handle it if you’re angry” or “I need to figure things out first”. There were too many “I’s” in her communication to me, and for the first time I saw how this relationship was all about her. All the things I did weren’t for me, sure I was happier and in love, but I did these things for her happiness over my own because I trusted her love and all she told me she would do if I did the things she asked of me. Fighting for her and for her love were two things I felt allowed to do. If she fought with me as I fought for her, then that’s not love and that definitely wasn’t a show of love for me with another man in her life, and that’s why I felt she would choose him over me, and the kids was a disguise she wore so she couldn’t hurt me, but I wanted to be hurt so I could move on without thinking this relationship ended because of something I did. That our love ended because she ended it with lies instead of honesty. Her text about it’s not me against Jackson, who she still believed I did not know, unsettled me as it discounted the way I felt. If she wanted to prove me wrong, all she had to do was one thing; promise to be with me. At the very least, she needed to know how staying in her marriage to her husband would make me feel in further detail.
ME: “It doesn’t make sense to me that you want to hurt the man who would never hurt you than the one who has. You share the same bed and are intimate w/a man you told me you no longer trust. How else am I supposed to feel? Your kids are not in the room when that happens so I know u r truly in love w/me but that’s a hard pill for me to swallow. Every time you crawl in bed w/him I hurt regardless if u r in love w/him or not b/c I feel that stuff goes on more than I want to know. It doesn’t matter if you run, which u r doing by the way, I will always be affected by it b/c I will always love you. It’s not that I’m comparing myself to him b/c I’m sure that’s old hat but when u get turned on when u think of us he probably reaps the benefits of that. So sorry babe, it is b/c of that I feel it is somewhat him against me. Like he’s good enough to be with b/c of the financial security he provides and I’m not. Idk how to not take that personally.”
I thought the woman who truly loved me would have understood, after all the times I understood her situation, how her marriage with him made me feel. I thought wrong.
ANYA: “Maybe you shouldn’t call me. Talk about beating me down when I’m hurt and down. You need to cool down b4 I can talk to you.”
I couldn’t believe her reaction. Beating her down when she’s hurt and down? Didn’t she just hurt me with all she just texted me? As if eleven months meant nothing? As if I never existed in her life? I felt I had the right to fight for her. To test her love for me all the times she thought I couldn’t be real, and who ended up being fake. I couldn’t allow her to do this without a fight. Not after eleven months, not after she asked me to fight for her; for times like this. The mental abuse her husband had unleashed on her has now been unknowingly unleashed upon me? The man who loved her? The man who truly cared for her? Not because she was an employee who helped me make money while taking care of my kids. There was too much at stake now for both of us. As upset she made me, I loved her. I couldn’t allow her to go through with this huge mistake I felt she was making out of fear, not out of truth or fact but out of fear. I respected the fact she felt like she “wasn’t there” for her kids. But she’s not always there. She goes out to bars with girlfriends, something my mother never did who was married. She wasn’t there for her kids when she did that. Why wouldn’t she tell her friends she can’t go out with them anymore to bars until she figures it out? This came also without any consideration of what I had went through and sacrificed personally for her happiness. Don’t I have a say in this decision when I know it’s so wrong? The last eleven months, every time I left work so she could be loved, doesn’t she think this should be a “we” decision and not a “me” one? Did she think I could ever hurt her this way? Figure it out? What’s left to figure out? I’m the second man in your life, not the first! Our relationship wasn’t a mistake, it was a decision she already made. I knew one thing and one thing only; I couldn’t allow her to cave into fear. I had to fight for her like never before.
ME: “I can’t allow this to happen.”
ANYA: “You can’t allow what to happen?”
ME: “To let you run away from me. You’re not with me. You push me away when I want to be with you. Prove me wrong about what I said babe. Prove me wrong that it’s not him against me. I beg u.”
ANYA: “I wanted to still see u tomorrow, but now I’m too scared to.”
ME: “You’re too scared now? After eleven months of never being scared? It seems like you’re looking for a way to get over me so you can continue pursuing a false life instead of a true one. And I feel an image and lifestyle to uphold are reasons too. I love you and know too much to allow that to happen now. I’m sorry. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like you’re going to come to me willingly so now I need to try and bring you to me or we will lose our chance at true love forever. If u hate me for it, I’d understand but it’s what I have to do to learn the truth.”
ANYA: “You are scaring me. R u going to physically hurt me? Please don’t do anything you will regret. Please don’t push me away.”
I reread the text I sent her to try and understand where and why she thought for a second I’d ever physically hurt her. I then remembered her “stalker” story she told me the day we spent at “our beach”, but I also remembered I told her that day I would only raise a hand to her in love, and never in anger, but if her “stalker” tried to assault her, then I could understand how she felt the way she did. It seemed I punished her unfairly sometimes for the things Denise did to me, so I took a step back afraid she would get the wrong impression and what I fought for.
ME: “I would never physically hurt you, Sweetheart. I’m just going to do what you asked me to do for you; to fight for you. I can’t just let you run away without a fight. If you can’t let me do that then I can’t feel anything but completely used right now. I’m sorry if I hurt you with anything I texted.”
ANYA: “Used? I love you. That’s using you?”
ME: “Is your plan to push me way so you can get over me?”
ANYA: “Well that was not the plan but you’re making it that way.”
ME: “I’m fighting for you. If you can’t see that then how can you say you love me?”
ANYA: “Fuck you! If you’re thinking of hurting my kids you’re blowing any chance of us being together. Please don’t punish me for loving you. I resent you for scaring me.”
She blew me away with her word choice, but even worse, I didn’t understand why she would ever think I’d consider hurting her kids. Did she mean physically? I loved her so it didn’t make sense to me she’d think I would ever hurt her kids. I disagreed wholeheartedly in what she was doing as it didn’t feel like she loved me. Wouldn’t love fight for her to see things differently? If someone I truly loved fought for me this way why would I fight with them? Wonder if they would hurt my kids if I loved them? I just didn’t understand how she could throw this one my way.
ME: “Hurt your kids? Why would you think I would ever want to do that? Idk, I’m just really hurt by all of this. How could you be so cold to me after all we’ve shared? You’ve questioned if I was real, and here I am showing you day in and day out and this is my reward? I just don’t understand how you could treat me this way.”
ANYA: “I told you I want to figure it out but it seems like I don’t get that chance.”
ME: “Idk what to say. Now I’m afraid.”
ANYA: “You can call me if you want to, but if you’re not going to call me now I’m going home.”
ME: “I think I need to cool down.”
ANYA: “K.”
I felt blindsided then blitzkrieged by her and wasn’t sure if we’d survive. I couldn’t believe love did that, especially a love she told me was true but her texts hit me on all I feared the most. If her love for me was real, one I let my guard down to trust it was even in the face when my love was questioned. All the times I hurt and kept silent so it wouldn’t upset her around her kids. I wasn’t a perfect person but I tried hard to be perfect for her, yet I felt punished for it, and it led me to question her intentions. All she felt on this day she had to know she’d feel. Her love for her kids always strong. Her care for their well-being. Why did she think if she left her marriage and chose to be with a man who made her a better person would be such a bad thing? Then the thing I believed meant the most to her, the thing the truly kept her there, the thing she wallpapered her son’s room with, money was the thing that truly kept her there and if I was up against Jackson’s wealth, something most men would fall short on, I trusted she wouldn’t have made me feel bad when I decided to walk away from her. Her silence all day, her boisterous texts that followed, made me question her real intentions. Intentions I began to question each day now. The intention to ride this train out until it reached its destination instead of hers. To a degree though, because I loved her, I also understood. I had to look through her eyes, and not just my own, but when you’re in pain because this person you miss is your life, your everything, and losing them ends all of it, and leaves you with nothing but years of emptiness, made it difficult. I couldn’t return to that life again, and I knew if I did, I couldn’t allow that as much as I couldn’t allow Anya to just run away from our love almost a year in. And the irony of it all? This happened two months to the day since our beautiful morning together.
After our conversation, over an hour long I realized, as I had taken a second lunch it seemed. When I reached my office, I couldn’t concentrate as I put my head in my hands and through my hair several times. Our conversation drained me emotionally, so much so I began to doze off as I held my head in my hands as I tried to catch up on sleep I missed lately. I then heard something hit my desk and I rose abruptly with a figure at the door of my office I tried to make clarity of.
“Hey! No dozing off on the job, Lastman.” said the voice I quickly, and thankfully realized it was Kevin.
“You caught me in the act.” I said. “Guilty as charged.”
“Oh yeah? Well. Only one thing comes to mind.”
“What’s that?” I asked as I looked up at him.
“It’s accounting.”
“Yes. Technically auditing.”
“Even worse.” he proclaimed. “Man, you must be putting in some late hours.”
“Why do you think that?” I asked.
“The circles under your eyes are hypnotizing me.” he observed.
“Wish I could say it was accounting that’s been keeping me up.” I said.
“It’s not?” he asked. “What is it?”
“Love.”
“Love?”
“Love.”
“I didn’t know you were in love, Land.”
“You have no idea, Kev.” I said. “I’m completely smitten with this woman.”
“How long have you been seeing her?”
“Almost eleven months now.”
“How come you never mention anything about it?” he said as he nudged me. “I thought I was your friend.”
“Well, it’s not something I usually announce Kevin, plus I don’t know where it’s headed.”
“You don’t want to marry her?”
“That’s the problem.” I said. “I do. She wants to marry me too but it’s complicated.”
“How complicated can it be?” he said. “It’s love.”
“It’s love. That’s for sure.” I agreed. “But it’s not within the ideal circumstances.”
“What’s the problem?” he asked as I strode by him to shut my office door.
“Can you keep a secret?” I begged.
“Of course. I’m your friend. Lord knows you have the goods on me.”
“She’s married.”
Kevin started to laugh after I revealed the truth, a truth I only shared with two other people I knew my entire life. I trusted Kevin though. He helped me get the partnership with the firm by mentoring me. I wouldn’t be the accountant or auditor without his help, and I had no reason not to trust him. When he realized I wasn’t laughing with him he realigned himself.
“She married, Land?”
“Yep.” I said. “Remember the girl I told you I met at Sonomas a while back?”
“The crazy one who approached you and that you turned down?”
“That’s the one…but I ran into her again after I met that girl, Lexi.”
“The one who wanted to date that DJ?” he said. “The one who got in the playboy mansion?”
“That’s the one.” I said. “I felt it was the universe telling me something since every available girl I wanted a relationship made themselves unavailable, I thought I’d try an unavailable one with the hope maybe they would make them self available to me.”
“What’s been going on?”
“She’s scared.” I said. “She’s afraid to take the leap I wasn’t afraid to take for her, but we’re working through it. I just have to give her more time.”
“Even though I think you deserve better, I also hope it works out the way you hope it does.”
“Thanks.” I said. “I have to admit it’s kind of tearing me apart at the seams but I think she’ll do the right thing. I trust her love for me. Great things take time. Nothing worth having is going to be easy.”
For the next thirty minutes, I talked with Kevin as I didn’t want him to leave my office without knowing why I got involved and how great the love between us was. After I explained that, I worked up the strength to tell him the real significance of who I fell in love with.
“That’s not the crazy part though.” I said. ‘About all of this.”
“What do you mean?” he asked. ‘There’s another part to this?”
“I found out about three to four months ago her husband is Jackson Caiaphas.”
“What?” he responded loudly. “Our largest client, Jackson Caiaphas?”
“Can you believe that?” I said.
“And you’re still seeing her?” he asked incredulously.
“I love her that much.” I said. “Even though I’ve been pounding the pavement behind the scenes for a new client in case he ever finds out, he’s got a laundry list of his own indiscretions. I feel if he ever threatened to leave our firm these would come out in the open because people will wonder why he left. If his constituents learn his wife left him for a man who truly loved her after years of emotional and mental abuse, it would only make him look bad. I don’t think he can leave our firm, but in case he does, I’m going to get something comparable lined up.”
“There is nothing comparable though, Land.” Kevin stated. “No one can replace him…not for a large local firm like us.”
“It might take five or ten clients, but I’ll work hard to make it happen.” I said. “but I really don’t think he’ll go that route. I think his reputation and image means too much to him to leave us.”
“Well, my advice to you would be to keep this all under wraps. You know how conservative Clyde is. He doesn’t know…does he?”
“Of course not.” I said. “If it gets to a point where I think we’ll lose his business because of it, I’ll talk to him.”
“You must really love this woman.” he said. “I worry about what could happen to you if he finds out.”
“If I was worried, Kev. I would have ended our relationship. I got this. I believe in our love. I believe things will work themselves out. I’m positive about that much.” I said. “Jackson has too much to lose to do anything to me. Anya would protect me if he tried anything. I trust her love for me.”
‘I hope you’re right my friend.” he said. “In the meantime, if you need anything. You need to talk or anything please reach out okay? You were always there for me when I was having problems. I would like to be there for you.”
“I appreciate your friendship.” I said as my hand reached out for his to shake. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Good.” he said as he looked at me. “Are you heading out?”
“I’m clearly not getting any work done here at the office so going to head home to catch up.” I said. “Thanks for listening, Kev.”
“Glad I can be there for you.” he said. “Remember, if you need to talk.”
“Thanks, Kev. Thanks.” I said as he stepped out of my office and I headed home for an evening full of uncertainty.
An hour after I arrived home, as I tried to assess the aftermath and felt worse about making her feel bad for trying to do the right thing in her eyes, she texted me.
7:46 p.m.
“You’re right. Cheezits are better cold.”
When I read her text, it allowed me to take a step back as a smile swept across my face. This wasn’t just an acknowledgment that Cheezits were better cold. It was rather a confirmation of her trust in me. That she trusted I would never do or say anything to hurt her. That I loved her. That I wanted her to experience the best things in life and not feel guilty about them, and not out of fear. Fear the Cheezits would taste worse if she put them in the freezer. Trust that I wouldn’t fight for her to be with me if I thought it would destroy her kids. The trust to know if she did leave, she would no longer be distracted by her hopes and dreams but with reality. If I didn’t truly love her, I would have not pushed back. I would have let her run, even opened the door for her and nudged her out. The problem was I loved her dearly, feelings she not only allowed me to have but also encouraged me to have. She questioned if my love was real, and I feel all I did here was prove it as I threw her question back her way. Prove to me you’re real, Anya. Prove to me you knew what love was as much as I did. Allow me to trust in your words that “I believe in our love” that led me to feel all I did. The time to leave Jackson neared closer every day. Every text she sent me, a confirmation of this truth, and I not only was an advocate for her to follow her heart but her champion of truth. The truth she could no longer live this way and she could no longer keep living a lie to all those around her. Friends, family, her husband, her kids and more so than anyone, herself. Her honesty with me was what made me feel special. It made me feel worthy of her love simply because I believed I was the only one she was authentic and genuine to. I was the only one who knew the truth, and I wanted to guard that for her. I didn’t want anyone, even friends who thought should be made aware of it, never knew the truth. The truth that existed in both of us, the universe’s own. You couldn’t lie to the Universe. It knew all that surrounded us even past this life, into forever, and why I felt our love was destined for such greatness. In fact, I couldn’t believe I went through thirty-seven years of life on this planet never knowing this kind of love existed let alone for me, and I wasn’t ready to lose that and to be honest, at the point I knew I never could.
ME: “Did you put them in the freezer?”
ANYA: “Yes of course. You told me to.”
ME: “I would never mislead you, babe. I love you.”
ANYA: “They really do taste better cold! They don’t freeze, they just get cold! I love you too!”
Who would have ever thought Cheezits could help bridge a gap and keep people together? When Anya shared her Cheezits story with me, it seemed to mend all we just argued over, which I would really have considered our first real back and forth with each other. The greatest feeling was how such a simple text, allowed me to forgive her and to forget as we both acknowledged we could have handled it better; her knee jerk reaction to seeing a movie that imitated her life to a small degree and my end of the world reaction to it. Even though I still held on to my reservations, her trust in me, in my love for her, that I would never hurt her with intention unless in self-defense, meant a lot for me to know and that’s what I took from this. I would never boss her around. I would always want her to be her own person and independent, but all I wanted her to do was listen to me, and I knew she’d listen to herself, and realize my message was one made out of love and care only. She was my best friend, and I was hers and I took that responsibility seriously. If she loved me she would at least listen and consider, like I would. As a best friend, I couldn’t lie to her how I felt. That wouldn’t be a best friend. I couldn’t sugarcoat things that would lead her to making a bad decision. One day her kids were going to leave the house and live their lives, and then it would just be her and Jackson. I wanted her to see the big picture that lied on the horizon, not just the present in front of her. Don’t throw us away, based on a knee jerk reaction. I didn’t want to distract her from her kids but how could me being out of her life change her truth? I faulted my presentation, it wasn’t the best, I was still at work and she hit me with something I had already been reeling with negative emotions not only that day but throughout the week and I returned her knew jerk reaction with one of my own. I believed there was nothing we couldn’t talk out and figure out on our own, and I was trying to learn how to resolve conflict in an emotionally charged relationship and it wasn’t easy for either of us.
8:34 p.m.
“Thanks a lot for getting me started on Cheezits! Now Suki is begging for them too.”
ME: “Even Suki knows they’re good in the freezer! You’ve had them before haven’t you?”
ANYA: “Yes, but I haven’t had them in years. I bought them after u bought them so I copied you.”
ME: “Well, it’s an honor to be copied by you.”
ANYA: “U ok, babe? I still love u, u know.”
ME: “I know. I’m sorry I was insensitive to how the movie made you feel.”
ANYA: “By the way, you’re wrong about him “reaping the benefit”. I sleep on the furthest side every night. I masturbate on my own when I think about you. It’s always just u and me.”
ME: “I believe you babe. I don’t know why I texted that.”
ANYA: “I don’t know what u think up in your head.”
ME: “Babe, imagine the man you’re deeply in love with sleeps in the same bed every night with another woman. Of course, you’re going to think the worst especially when you know the man u love doesn’t want to hurt you. Especially when I know how great it feels to sleep with you. It just adds that much more craziness to the missing.”
ANYA: “I can’t imagine.”
ME: “Did I do something wrong, Sweetheart? If I did, I’m sorry.”
ANYA: “No not at all. U did nothing wrong. I didn’t do this cuz the movie either.”
ME: “Haha! You said you saw the movie this morning then texted me to say you couldn’t do this! You’re funny. I don’t know what u think up in your head, Cheezits. The movie had to have some kind of impact on you otherwise you would have told me this earlier. What part of the movie did you identify with? You and her were both in it for different reasons. She neglected her son, but in what way did you identify with that part of her?”
ANYA: “You mean messy hair disheveled look in the am, cooking w/shit everywhere, multitasking, making lunches, distracted, etc.? Yeah, pretty much.”
After she shared that description with me, I didn’t know what to say to it, but it seemed like she held me responsible for this and not a husband who disrespected her. I knew if she was honest, this part of her life was over, but because she chose a life of dishonesty, she would never escape this description and lifestyle. If she listened to herself, all the things she just described came to an end. She would no longer be distracted. She would have me, she would have us. Ending our relationship did not end her love for me, as the missing would only continue, but I was willing to work with her to help her be less distracted if she needed me to, even if it meant I’d hear less from her.
10:09 p.m.
“R u there?”
ME: “I’m here.”
I didn’t know how to respond to her prior text so I didn’t as it seemed her mind was made up. That her and Diane Lane’s character in “Unfaithful” we’re one and the same. I guess I hoped she would have paid more attention to the snow globe scene when her Diane Lane’s husband had to body bag her “boy toy” after hitting him in the head with it and allowing him to bleed to death. I could only hope she never made it through the movie to see that part.
ANYA: “U ok?”
ME: “I’m hanging in there.”
ANYA: “I’m so sorry.”
ME: “I’m fine, babe. I don’t want you to feel bad.”
ANYA: “Who knows what the future will bring?”
ME: “Sure.”
ANYA: “Are you taking this as goodbye forever?”
ME: “I just think you’re being sweet. You’re not that much of a positive thinker.”
ANYA: “Ok, I’m sorry. I’ll leave u alone. Take care babe. Goodnight.”
I knew I wouldn’t be getting much sleep on this night, as I was thankful this news didn’t hit me on a Monday but rather a Thursday. If this is what she wanted and she wouldn’t allow me to fight for her, nor even consider the sacrifice I’ve made for her, then what could I do? At the same time though, her apologies seemed sincere and warm. They were well received and I felt Anya just had a really bad day, and she was entitled to them. They were far and few in between and if I loved her as much as I truly did, I need to consider her situation at home. I didn’t want to punish her for that because she was never with Lance the romantic singer long enough to know she would experience this with her kids. I just felt I knew the truth; that this wouldn’t even be happy if she listened to her heart. I felt her kids would receive 110% of her, not just 75%, and I just didn’t see the difference of the distraction of me in her life and her going out with her friends to bars. I felt she would be a better person, a better mother if she left Jackson without even being with me, and if I was just a friend with knowledge of the situation, I would have believed the same thing.
The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.
On Friday morning, while I was asleep, Anya sent me a number of texts to further convey how she felt.
5:20 a.m.
“I’m sorry for telling you “f**k u” and that I hate and resent u. Idk what came over me. I don’t talk that way. It was just if I can’t trust u then who?”
5:23 a.m.
“I just felt betrayed and the anger came out. I’m sorry about the whole thing. I just don’t know what to do? I’m desperate babe. I thought you’d understand.”
5:25 a.m.
“You’re my best friend and I don’t want to hurt you. I just need to figure it out. In the meantime you never know what will happen in the future. It’s the truth.”
5:27 a.m.
“It wasn’t that I was trying to be sweet it’s that u never know. I told u I couldn’t promise u anything cuz idk. That hasn’t changed. I just need time.”
5:28 a.m.
“I just need time to figure it out on my own. Ultimately it is my decision whether we’re together or not. I need to separate to think clearly.”
5:31 a.m.
“I’m sorry to do this to you again. I didn’t plan on doing this the day before. I miss u. I’ve never cancelled on u b4 have I? Tell me if I have cuz I don’t recall.”
5:33 a.m.
“I didn’t sleep last night. I’m a little foggy this morning. If u want I can still come by but I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it. Let me know if u want to.”
After I read her texts, I decided to call in sick at work as I felt a nervous nauseousness. I didn’t understand how she could question my trust as if hers never could be questioned. And she felt betrayed that the man who is in love with her, a man she asked to fight for her, betrayed her by wanting to bring her towards the truth? The thing that drew me to Anya was her belief in our love, so how could she tell me she believed in it, but now needed to “clear her head” so she could figure it out? I saw this as a nice way of leaving someone for good, a subtle way, but if she was going to do that, I wanted the truth from her. I wanted to be told she still loved Jackson. I wanted to be told, her perception to others was more important than her love with me. I wanted her to tell me I wasn’t her everything, because if I truly was, there was nothing to “figure out”. I felt betrayed as I read this as if this was all a show she put on as the way I felt about Yom Kippur, her “worry about the holidays” and her subtle yet loud disappearances over the course of the last couple weeks left me to feel this way. These were things I felt, I should have been told from the beginning because not only did her kids exist way before I did, but another man she claimed left her because of them, did as well. I felt if anyone had the right to feel betrayed, it was me as she promised me before I decided to become a part of her lie, a lie I had no idea she would make me a part of, to leave Jackson if she fell in love with me. To leave the man who betrayed her, and not need time to figure out if she could be with the man who never would. The thing that bothered me the most is that she seemed to think, since it appeared she received anything she wanted in life, that she was also entitled to people. To their hearts. To their souls. How could she ever make the assumption anyone would want to just “fall in love” with her without ever being with her? Maybe most guys wanted to have sex with her, and would be okay with it, but she knew from day one I wasn’t that kind of man. To me, that’s betraying someone. Telling them horrific stories about someone in order to get what they needed from that person, promising that person they would leave if they fell in love with them, asking that person to fight for them, and then sending them text messages I had just read. If she felt “betrayed” by me simply trying to stand up for her “hope, wish, and dream” then how could she say she truly loved me? How could she question me anytime I doubted her intentions?
In the same breath, I also tried to see things through her eyes as I felt like the irrational one if I didn’t. The craziness at home with the kids, the way they looked up to her for guidance and in actuality, she had to feel like a fraud to them, a feeling she wasn’t good with. I could appreciate that, and I wanted them to adore their mother. I didn’t want them to be affected or hurt by a decision she made. The problem was, there was another man now in her life that she claimed she loved very much, so much so, she loved him forever. I had done more than what was asked of me for her to leave. Even as things ripped me apart inside and tore my life to pieces I couldn’t recognize it anymore, I kept quiet so she could continue being a mom. I let her initiate all the texts because those were her true feelings and never allowed her to feel a sense of obligation for doing so. She chose to do so. She chose to bring me closer. She chose to let my feelings grow for her. Of course, I had the ability to pull back too, but I loved her. I truly loved her and that also meant I believed in her and trusted her even as she tore my world apart with her indecision after she made the decision to allow and encourage my feelings to grow for her. She didn’t understand a simple concept though, that only required common sense, that no one wants to fall in love with someone for just the sake of falling in love. In her situation, it works. She has money, She has her “family” she has security. She has someone whether she loves him or not if she has a sexual need, but she allowed someone to fall deeply in love with her who didn’t have any of those things. For the first time, I began to really see how mentally ill she was, and I hated to see her in that light, but she was not a stable human being. She believed faithfulness in a marriage was unrealistic. She believed all men cheated that had options to. She brought two men into her life to feel great things for her without consideration of their emotions or feelings, as if all men should be devoid of these things yet it’s what she sought from them. These things though only made me want to fight for her more. To heal her. The truth was, she might already have been too far gone.
It seemed everything she ever told me was a lie, at least it was how I felt about things. Then I would think about her “desperation” and the last thing I wanted was for her kids to find out about her but I also didn’t think it was fair to be a “secret” because that wasn’t the deal from the beginning, and she knew that. I couldn’t respond to her texts and if she did come over the only thing on my mind would be this conversation as I disagreed with her. You just don’t allow people into your life then let them go to figure things out. I trusted the figuring things out happened when she allowed me into her life, after I walked away because of her “situation” she told me would change. As strong as I felt, I struggled with my thinking. Was I being unfair? Was I being insensitive? Was I being selfish? Was I being inconsiderate to her feelings?
9:17 a.m.
“Leaving for work soon. I understand u don’t want to see me but can u at least let me know you’re ok please?”
ME: “I understand you being upset with me. I felt betrayed yesterday too though. Your texts really surprised me. I’m sorry but I don’t know what to think of this. You’ve never cancelled on me before. You know I want to see you and you know I miss you but I don’t think I can just stand there and watch you make another bad decision to stay in your marriage w/o trying to talk you out of it. Have a good day babe. I love you.”
I wanted to see her, but I knew where I’d go and didn’t want her to waste her time coming by then having to hear what I had to say if she didn’t want to hear it. If I couldn’t fight for her, I didn’t see the point. She killed the mood for both of us, anyway. If she wanted to separate to “figure out” things then why even bother coming by. It disturbed me even more when I thought about just a few days prior she shared her dream with me, and it just made me even more sick to my stomach as I felt my emotions were non-existent to her all because her husband’s emotions were in the past as I could tell she didn’t know the difference between someone who loved her and someone who just loved to have sex with her. Yet, I’m the one she needed time away from.
9:40 a.m.
“Ok, I understand. I’m leaving in 15 minutes. I’ll wait for you. If you don’t text me then u have a good day too. I love you.”
I didn’t understand her text as I informed her if she came over I was going to fight for her. I even told her to have a good day as I was really in no mood now to see her as I didn’t see the reason for a visit now.
ME: “I don’t understand what you mean. I did text you.”
ANYA: “I got your text, I was trying to tell you, I’ll wait for you in case u change your mind about seeing me.”
Change my mind? Was she joking? Was she crazy?
An hour later, I received the text I always loved to see.
10:39 a.m.
“Here”
After I changed my mind, I believed if she didn’t want me to fight for her, she wouldn’t have given me a chance to change my mind. I had to find a way to make her understand the reason I walked away from her before we reconnected was because I wanted to avoid situations like the one we had right now. I trusted her to not allow me to go through such a scenario when she told me I broke her heart when I walked away from her fourteen months ago. Now that I was in and I was in deep, she could no longer deny her role in the current situation, and punish me and our love for it, after I walked away from her. If this was wrong, I tried to do the right thing by walking away, and I trusted her when she allowed my feelings to grow for her. How could she allow someone’s feelings to grow as deeply as mine did for her, and even question my sincerity about them all, to run away? To run away from the truth? I was hurt she allowed me to feel so much and pull away out of fear. A fear I trusted her to show me before we got involved as she had five months to think about this, and a guy she dated before me. I had to respect what she wanted, as much as I disagreed with it, I had to but to say she felt betrayed without considering the reason I existed in her life, discounted my existence a great deal, and it led me to question her true intentions. Ultimately it was Anya’s decision to leave her marriage but I felt by allowing someone in her life for eleven months and encouraging him to have feelings for her, she would ultimately feel a sense to do the right thing because no matter what she did, someone was going to get hurt, and she definitely knew that much going in. In fact, I walked away because I didn’t want to be part of hurting others, but I started to care for the wounded, and the more I knew, the more I personified Jackson’s karma. I also didn’t understand how she could tell me “I was important to her ” and “my everything in many ways” and five days later I was a distraction and she needed to separate.
When I saw her at the gate, I refused to get lost in her beauty for the first time. It hurt too much to look at her. She grabbed my hand as we walked to my place but the excitement I usually felt had gone missing in action. Of course, I eventually took her in but the more I did the more it hurt. As we walked inside my apartment, I locked the door behind us, and she came into my arms.
“I’m really sorry.” she said as she began to sob. “My love, my life.”
“It’s ok.” I said as I brought her closer. “I understand but at the same time I don’t.”
“I feel I have the best of both worlds…that’s why I’m doing this.”
Her intentions weren’t bad, but I felt if that other world was considered the “best” she misrepresented that “other” world to me with all she told me about it. A “world” she told me made her unhappy.
“I think the problem I’m having is that you told me that that particular world made you unhappy” I said. “The reason I’m here.”
“This isn’t good bye forever, babe.” she said. “I just want some time to figure some things out.”
“Ok.” I said. “But this time, I think I need to give you your space.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“I think we should stop communicating. No text messages.” I said. “As much as that’s going to kill me, I think it’s something we have to do. If I don’t respond to a text, don’t take it personal. You know what I want…it’s what I wanted for eleven months now.”
“I’m afraid if I do this, you’re going to hate me so if I come back…you won’t take me back.” she said. “I wouldn’t leave unless someone was there for me.”
“I will always love you. I will always want to be with you. My love is real and always was real.” I said. “I won’t hate you, but I think if I don’t hear from you for a year, I’ll just figure you never truly loved me although it wouldn’t change how I feel about you.”
“That’s...that's not fair.” she replied.
“Sweetheart, in my mind you chose another man over me.” I said. “I won’t lie to myself. I live a life of truth, not one of dishonesty and not one of mental convenience.”
“When I told you, I love you forever I meant it. I will always love you.”
“Love first has to become a verb, before it can be a noun.” I said. “I’m not saying you aren’t attracted to me. I know you are. I think you think you love me, and I feel your love most of the time but times like this leads me to wonder if we are one. You told me that too.”
“What am I to do, babe?” she countered. “I feel it’s the right thing to figure this out first. I’m not there for my kids and I need to be.”
Upon her words, I took a deep breath, and considered her words with her kids in mind.
“I’m sorry to be so tough with you on this. I’m trying to be empathetic to that but it’s hard because I feel so much for you.” I tried to explain. “A defense system I’ve built in myself over the years to handle disappointment. I don’t think it’s fair of me to do that to you. I’m sorry. It’s a scary thing now to live life without you, but I wouldn’t stop you. I can’t stop you. All I can do is fight for you to understand and be honest with you about how it affects me. I think I’d be doing you a disservice if I wasn’t honest.”
“This isn’t good-bye.” she said as her lips searched for mine as we began to kiss for possibly the last time.
She then broke away with tears still in her eyes as I tried to dry them gently with my thumbs.
“Carolyn and Debbie both think you’re a gem.” she said. “they don’t know what man would go through what you have for me.”
“I’m grateful they see that.”
“You’re the only man I trust.” she said. “The only one.”
Her statement was one I took great pride in as she bestowed a huge honor upon me. I always wanted to be the only man she trusted. I took that title and duty seriously however I wanted to say the thing to her, but I didn’t know.
“Thank you.” I said.
“I think I’ve never been more in love with anyone in my life than you.” she said.
“Now that’s something I know is true for me.” I said as I kissed her.
I was sensitive to everything around Anya now. Even though her statement was intended to be hopeful and sweet, I was surprised to hear the words “I think” in front of her statement as the metamorphosis of a word from a verb to a noun held more significance to me. I guess I believed from prior conversations that was something she never needed to think about.
When she left my apartment, I felt this would end up being her last visit to my place. I respected her for wanting to stop by, but I felt her plan was to pull away then stay away. I understood the first time she did, but this second time I had a hard time understanding. I loved her to pieces. I wanted to be there for her but I felt that’s the reason she was still there, I’ve been nothing but there for her. I had to find a life without her and to hold on to the dream she loved me. The more I thought about it, I felt bad to question her love for me, I knew she did, I just questioned her true intentions as it appeared she lacked the courage to do the right thing. The only hope I had was she would come to realize how important I truly was in her life, but if she never did, I’d know where I always stood and where I’d have to go.
6:43 p.m.
“I know it’s going to be a rough night for both of us. Take care babe. You’re always on my mind. I know u said u won’t text but please know you can anytime u want.”
ME: “Thanks babe. You’re always on my mind too. Don’t ever forget that. Always know I’d love to be your husband one day. Take care.”
Four hours later, she responded.
10:38 p.m.
“I know babe. I won’t forget that. You’d be the best husband. I miss you like crazy. Goodnight. I love you forever.”
The fight for her existed in me, but I didn’t know how to think or what to feel. A part of me felt she greatly misled me about her situation and why she remained married. She didn’t know I knew who Jackson was, but I didn’t know that until well within or relationship. I felt to keep that information from me was either the greatest betrayal or the greatest act of love, but I couldn’t pick a side on which to believe simply because I loved her. She was the only woman who ever truly made me feel special and to lose that through her fear was hard for me to accept. Anyone with advice for me didn’t know Anya. I did. I know what we experienced in the privacy of my apartment, in the beauty on “Our Beach”, in the dream that was Laguna Beach. How she wanted to wear my ring. How much she cried that night when she felt ill because of comments made by her family about how she married “well”. I knew the lie that was her life. I knew that truth that was our love. When she wanted to pull away to figure out things, I felt like a fool as it made me have to consider if her love was as true as mine. Our form of love had to be on the same page. It wasn’t enough we loved each other. Her inability, and even her unwillingness to figure things out devastated me to the very core of all I stood for and rationalized. For her to pull the rug out from under me in this way, it took away the legitimacy of a rational noble decision she led me to believe I made. It hurt, and I felt betrayed by her words but in the same breath, I appreciated her honesty. Not to leave me believing nothing was wrong, however I found it unfair to tell me just the other day I was important to her and then to leave me saying she needed to figure some things out. If I was important to her, what was there to figure out? For her to tell me “I need time to think clearly and figure things out” instead “I need time to think clearly so I can figure out a way and time for us to be together”, I would’ve handled things better, but without that, I felt betrayed, played and used. To allow someone to grow feelings for you then pull away for any reason especially after eleven months was more wrong than her falling in love with another man.
I had to put it in the hands of the Universe. Ultimately it was her decision, and she had to feel good about it. I wouldn’t have wanted her to leave out of obligation or because I forced her to. I wanted her to come to me naturally but it was hard to allow her to do what she needed to simply because I needed her. She was my life. My everything, but I had to let go of her hand. My heart was going to feel tremendous pain, but if she truly loved me and as much as I began to question it, she wouldn’t be able to break away from me. We went through this one time before. Before the beauty of our morning together. I had to trust the Universe. I had to trust in the stars and the sun. The beauty of our own world. As much as it would hurt, I had to, and if she chose to stay then determine if a life without her is worth living.
The next morning, she sent me a text to let me know how she felt.
8:24 a.m.
“God I miss u. Last night was tough. I hope ur ok.”
ME: “It was a hard night for me too. I miss you something awful. I’m ok. I just hope you are.”
After I read her text, I prayed she was genuine about her feelings because I didn’t understand how she could miss me because we never talked between a “goodnight” text and a “good morning” text. I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me. We were in this together. I just wanted her to see the whole picture, not the one in front of her, and understand why I felt this was the wrong thing to do.
An hour later she text me back.
9:48 a.m.
“R u still in bed babe?”
I had fallen asleep when she texted me and didn’t realize she sent me a text until I woke up.
9:55 a.m.
“R u there?”
ME: “I’m here, Sweetheart.”
I didn’t hear back from her so I figured I got back to her at a bad time. She then texted me again.
10:49 a.m.
“How r u?”
ME: “I’m missing you. Just thinking about yesterday.”
ANYA: “I miss you so much. I wish I can have yesterday back. I don’t feel like moving. Thank god soccer game was cancelled today.”
As much as I wanted her to realize she was doing the wrong thing, I also didn’t want her to feel paralyzed and depressed in bed. I didn’t have kids and it was okay for me, but not for her. Her kids would notice mom was down because Anya was up early every morning.
ME: “Babe, please get out of bed. I don’t want you to feel depressed. Your kids are going to wonder, babe. You need to be there for them. I understand so please don’t worry about me. I’m fine. I love you.”
ANYA: “I mean moving my body. No one is home. I’m in bed. I have to get ready to go to a baby shower but I don’t feel like moving. I was up earlier but got back in bed. I guess I wanted to copy u. I love you very much. I woke up to you touching me. The dream was sexy.”
ME: “Why can’t I have any of these type of dreams? How do I not have them? That is sexy, babe. I wish I had you in my arms right now.”
ANYA: “I’m touching myself right now. So wet thinking about you.”
ME: “I’m doing the same. Thinking of you. Wanting to be inside of you…”
ANYA: “I’m so turned on right now. I’m going to make myself…”
With that last text, I couldn’t contain myself as I was so turned on. Three minutes later, after I had my way with her in my head, I picked up my phone to see where she was in hers.
ME: “You still there, babe? Did I do ok?”
ANYA: “I loved it. I didn’t want u to stop. My nipples r so hard just thinking about it.”
ME: “I wouldn’t have stopped if I had known.”
ANYA: “Really? Why did you let me stop?”
ME: “I thought you were finishing up! I didn’t want to throw you off!”
ANYA: “I owe u one!”
ME: “No way babe, I’ve had many moments with you like this you don’t know about. I owe you more than one. I just want you to feel good when you’re with me or not.”
ANYA: “Awww. I love you.”
ME: “I love you too.”
ANYA: “I should get ready to go. Have a good day. Thank you for not hating me. I love you forever.”
ME: “I don’t think I could hate you if I tried! Have a good day babe. I love you forever.”
With that last text, I decided to get out of bed myself. Although making love through texts was a first for me, I preferred the real thing, and if we continued to do this, not only would it make me miss her more than I already did, she would feel no incentive to figure things out because she would still pretty much have the best of both worlds on her terms.
That afternoon I found myself at the Mercedes-Benz dealership looking at new car models. Little did I expect to come home with a new leased car. I always leased cars because I drove so much due to the nature of my profession so it didn’t make sense for me to buy a car that lost its value the minute I drive it off the lot. I had an option to buy at the end of the lease so it didn’t matter much. I even upgraded from my last model although I still stayed in the C-Class range. When June came around, I figured I’d probably be able to get something nicer if I wanted to. Having a nice car, at least one with an image of being such to others, meant very little to me, but I also worked really hard everyday and it was nice to see the fruits of my hard work. I didn’t have a car all throughout high school and my first car was a Toyota Tercel, and having what people considered a “nice” car was no big deal, but to those people who looked at my cars in the past and judged me for them, I took some satisfaction in knowing they were wrong about me.
The color of my car was a dark blue/grey and looked very unique as I never saw a color like this car on the road. My only wish was for Anya to be the first and only girl ever in it as I couldn’t wait for her to see it. I didn’t think Anya cared about cars, after all she drove two nice cars herself, but I wanted her to see my spontaneous nature as I didn’t want her to think I was a boring penny pinching accountant who never did anything.
4:26 p.m.
“Hope ur ok. I’m barely managing.”
ME: “I know how you feel. I just got back home and came back in a new car.”
ANYA: “Now that’s what I call retail therapy! Good for u! What did u get? I can ask right?
ME: “Why couldn’t you ask me? Another Mercedes. C-350.”
ANYA: “Cool! What color?”
ME: “It’s a bluish gray. Really unique! Although I would love for you to be the only girl to ever sit in my new car, I would love it if you were the first. I’d love for you to see it.”
ANYA: “Awww babe. Why didn’t you text me? I would love to see it.”
ME: “I didn’t want to distract you at the baby shower, babe. After all it’s just a car.”
After I sent he this text, I didn’t hear back from her until forty minutes later.
5:42 p.m.
“Sorry I’m now at my friend’s Samantha’s 40th birthday party. I’ll text you in a bit.”
I tried to not let it bother me, but couldn’t understand how she could go to so many parties, events and to the bar with friends and why she viewed me as the distraction and needed distance from me. I tried to not let it bother me, but everything she did without her kids, it was hard not to wonder why I felt punished. When I walked away from her, I explained I didn’t want to be a void in her marriage. It’s why I walked away from her, but sometimes I feel she forgot what I warned her about. “Textsex” was great with her. She was the only one I wanted to experience that with but I wanted more, and I hope she understood as fun as it was this morning, it wasn’t enough. With all the parties and events, she had in her life, how could she possibly miss me as much as I missed her? Was her missing of me truly honesty or just a disguise? Against my past luck, I had to have faith it was genuine.
7:16 p.m.
“I don’t expect you to but we’re at the AMC in Naples by the Barnes & Noble. Carolyn and I are going to see a movie. You’re welcome to come watch if you want but it’s starting in 5 minutes. Do you need to go to the book store?”
I considered responding to her text after jumping in my car as I didn’t want to lose precious time, but she texted me again before I could.
7:25 p.m.
“I’m sorry I don’t know what I was thinking. Sorry to bug u.”
I almost called her but realized she may have already been in the theater so I texted to let her know I “needed to go to the bookstore”, but I would wait for her until the movie ended since it was on such short notice. I told her to text me when the movie ended and she said she would, and she did.
9:09 p.m.
“Can’t leave just yet. Almost over.”
ME: “Ok babe. I’ll look for you and let you know where my car is.”
The movie seemed to end pretty quickly after Anya sent me this text. I parked really close to where everyone exited the theater and when I saw her I honked my horn as she looked up excitedly as she walked with Carolyn. Carolyn waved at me quickly as Anya left her side to be by mine, in my new car.
“Wow! I love it babe! Love the color!” she said. “I love the way new cars smell.”
“Isn’t the color really cool! Glad you loved it because if you didn’t I’d return it!” I said.
“How was the movie?”
“It was okay. Long.” she said.
“How are you?”
“I’m managing.” she said. “I’d give you a hug and kiss you, but it’s too close to home.”
“I understand.” I said reluctantly as that never stopped her before. Sonomas was close to home too.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
All I could do was look at her, fall even more in love, and began to realize how empty I felt without her. How life was devoid of meaning and it destroyed me inside. I thought she would be too excited to see me, like she always was, even just recently when she left her daughter at Abercrombie, when she ran outside Sonomas because I was there and now in the safety of my car, not even out in the open she didn’t want to hug or kiss me? I felt like her love began to erode, or whatever she felt for me before. This was heartbreak times a million, to be so in love with the person in front of you, to go to bat for them in every way no other men were willing to do, and the end result was “I don’t know.” I didn’t know any other way to interpret her “I don’t know” and “I need to figure it out” but to see it as “I don’t know if I love you” and “I need to figure it out if I love you.”. As she sat in my new car, surrounded by everything new, even her feelings for me, I began to crack.
“I don’t know Anya.” I said.
“You don’t know?” she said. “Talk to me.”
“I don’t know about this life anymore.” I revealed. “I just don’t know. Sometimes I look at the bridge and think maybe one day.”
“What do you mean you don’t know about this life anymore? Are you talking about the bridge by your house?” she asked. “You’re only thirty-seven. You have a lot to experience.”
“If you’re referring to that marine green monstrosity I used to drive over every day. Yes.” I said. “I don’t think this world is suited for me. I’m jaded by it.”
“Why?”
“Just everything.”
“You want to kill yourself?”
“I’m just so done with this world.” I said. “I don’t think I belong here, and it’s not you. It’s just everything.”
“Hun, I have to go now.” she said with franticness in her tone. “The kids are waiting for me.”
“I understand.” I said. “It was nice to see you.”
“Good to see you too. I love your car.”
“Thank you. I wanted you to be the first person in it other than myself so thank you.”
“Goodnight babe.”
“Goodnight.” I said as I watched her exit then close my door.
I just couldn’t believe she treated me so differently as if she had no feelings for me, or at least tried to shut them off. I felt like the flesh eating bacteria to her. After all I had done. All I sacrificed. Even came out here to see her at a moment’s notice, and she wouldn’t even hug me. I felt bad about telling her I was done with this world. I didn’t want her to think it was because of her I thought that way, as it felt like I just pulled the same blackmail stunt Jackson did with her. I wanted her to feel secure in her decision, and not make her feel bad for it. She didn’t need to know the details of my negative emotions. The fact she left my car so quickly after I told her about them told me she could probably care less if I did kill myself, it would make figuring out things a little easier for her. Although I felt the way I did, it wasn’t right to share it with her. She wouldn’t be the reason I’d kill myself. I wouldn’t want blood on her hands or for her to feel guilty. If anyone killed themselves because a person left them, it would be on them and not the person that left them. If anything, it would justify their decision to leave.
Five minutes into my drive home, Anya text me to call her, and I did.
“You wouldn’t kill yourself, would you babe?” she asked me.
“Don’t take this the wrong way babe. I think the world of you. You’re my everything.” I said. “but I would never kill myself over losing you or any girl. You’re special but not that special.”
Anya then started to break out in laughter and thanked me for telling her because she was worried, and although she was special to die over, it would be a form of mental abuse if I were to do that to her as I felt bad even mentioning it.
“Rest assured babe if I ever took my life, you wouldn’t be to blame.” I said. “The problem would lie with me, not you. That’s not normal.”
“Thanks babe. I feel better now. You had me worried.” she said. “Carolyn seems to think I’m clinically depressed.”
“I think we both are.” I said. “How could we not be?”
“I used to be happy all the time but now I’m not.” she said.
“We both had a lot to be happy about.” I said.
“I know.” she responded.
I made the assumption that she wasn’t happy before she met me but what if she was never truly unhappy? She told me one time just like Meryl Streep’s character in “The Bridges of Madison County” that she too didn’t know she was unhappy until she met me. I didn’t know what to believe but the probability she misled me and misrepresented her situation in order to encourage me to pursue a relationship so she could feel again began to increase, and even though it did, I wanted to remain oblivious to it because I loved her.
I had to put things in proper perspective as my heart broke more each second without her. This was not a typical relationship as there were kids involved and not just us. It blurred the black and white picture considerably and had to be viewed in shades of gray. What was the truth and was I ready to hear it? Did she truly love me or was she only truly in love with the idea of being in love again? When I got off the phone with Anya and led her to believe I would never kill myself or if I did, it wouldn’t be because of her, I decided to spend my time on the computer googling things related to her and for some reason, I decided to look up Lance, the romantic singer she dated before me. I didn’t know his last name so I just entered his first name, occupation and probable location and there he was; his own website. I noticed he lived near UCLA, which also happened to be near the site of Anya’s run the next morning; Westwood. His credentials were impressive, and as I looked at his pictures he seemed to be a warm kind person; definitely a man I would pick for her over Jackson and even myself if that was where her heart truly was. I was a CPA, destined to be a partner of a large local accounting firm but Lance seemed to be something not too many people could give to Anya, knowing her love for music. I remembered the inflection in the tone of her voice when she told me he song her happy birthday. How she allowed that to happen even in front of Jackson and his suspicions. Lance knew her friends. They knew him as I’m sure they approved of him as well, but who was I? An outsider. A nobody to them, just a regular person. As I further perused his website, I also listened to a few of the songs he recorded. He had a virtuoso voice, one that appeared to by the pictures, brought women flocking to him as I reminded myself Anya was drawn to popular men as I guess it made her feel more special he would choose her over the rest. I then came across a piece he wrote that he dedicated to a special woman that further described their relationship as “a sad and tragic ending to a beautiful relationship”. I could feel my hand tremble as I held the mouse as I read it a few more times. No doubt the woman he wrote of was the one I loved so dearly. If Lance thought his three-month fling with Anya had a tragic ending, how would he feel about it if it lasted nearly a year? By the sound of his words, it seemed he never left her because of her “baggage”. What Anya had led me to believe he did, and I felt sick inside, horrifically sick. I got up from my chair and paced my apartment as my heart began to beat rapidly and beads of sweat permeated from my forehead. I just couldn’t believe she would do this to me let alone, Lance. I then began to think about her “stalker” she told me at “our beach” and how she left a man she was engaged with for Jackson when he came back into her life. Was she truly like this? Did she really have no care in the world for the emotions and feelings of others? That she could hand out tragic ending to relationships like candy? If Lance felt their relationship’s ending was tragic, how do you think I felt? Does she use men? Get them to believe she loved them then pulled the rug out from under them and if they said anything they were abnormal crazy stalkers? Was this harder for her to do because I was a “nice man”? She told me I was a reason for her being distracted around her kids yet she texted me over thirty times today, she pretty much invited me to come see her at the movies with Carolyn, and even called me. What was I in store for the rest of the week? Was this allowing and encouraging people to fall in love with her something she did to keep her marriage alive for the sake of the kids? Wasn’t that more of a reason not to be married? Look at the hearts she left broken in the wake of her union to Jackson. What’s left to figure out?
It hit me she was done with us, like she was done with Lance. Like she was done with her fiancé. Like she was done with the stalker who she probably spurned so bad he had to move to another state. Why did she choose me? There were plenty of bald tattooed men who’d be just fine with a roll in the hay and her sudden exit, but me? After all we shared? After all the things she said? All I could so was thank God it was a Saturday night and I didn’t have to go to work in the morning.
Against my own advice, and since she texted me over thirty times the prior day, I texted her to see how her race went.
8:44 a.m.
“Thank you. We’re done now and looking for a place to eat. I love u. Knee is just ok. How r u?”
ME: “I’m ok, babe. Happy to hear your race went well. Enjoy your breakfast. Love u too. How r u?”
Even though my discovery unsettled me, I felt it wrong to mention it to her and thought I would save it for another time, if I ever needed to bring it up. I didn’t want to bug her like I did after her last race about not texting me so I decided to just disappear from her for the rest of the day and let her dictate if she wanted to hear from me or not. She texted me again about 3 hours later in response.
11:29 a.m.
“I’m ok. I know babe. I miss you so much. I ran most of it. It was ok. Just leaving Westwood. I realized I stunk like garlic last night! Sorry about that. It was the appetizers at the birthday party. Garlic stays w/me a long time u know.”
ME: “As always u looked and smelled beautiful to me. I don’t think I could ever notice that stuff b/c I’m always lost in your beauty.”
I didn’t want her to think my feelings had changed for her and I didn’t want to hold them hostage for a decision she felt she needed to make. It’s how I felt anyway.
ANYA: “Thank u. What are you having for lunch? Soup, babe?”
ME: “I will probably have something heavy for lunch and save the lighter meal for later.”
ANYA: “Have a good meal. Just know that you’re always on my mind. I love you.”
ME: “I hope you know I would never kill myself babe. I think it’s a completely selfish act for one. Two, if I ever did, there would be no chance to be with you, three, I’d basically murder my family and lastly, it’s not an act of loving someone but rather hating someone and I love you way too much to even consider it. Would I die to protect you? Without a moment’s hesitation. I love you that much.”
ANYA: “I agree it’s a totally selfish act. I know u won’t do such a thing.”
I just wanted to drive that point further home with her in case she had any lingering doubts as I felt that answer gave her a little more security.
When I thought I wouldn’t hear back from her, she sent me another text out of the blue.
12:43 p.m.
“You looked great last night! Thank u again for driving up. You’re the most selfless person I know. Have a good day. I love you.”
And then again later that evening.
8:12 p.m.
“Hope you had a nice day. Can’t seem to get you off my mind. Sorry being selfish again.”
ME: “It was a hard one babe. I don’t think you’re being selfish. We love each other and we’re best friends. We’ve shared a lot. I’d rather hear from you than not hear from u. Ur an important part of my life. We’re doing the right thing by not seeing each other even though it kills. I love having u in my life and I don’t want to lose u in anyway. Any little thing though just really touches me. I c couples holding hands, kissing, embracing, songs that play, just everything. I was emptying out my trunk to transfer my belongings to my new car and the beach towels were back there that we used last time we were at “our beach”, Just things.”
After I sent off this text to her, I never heard back.
Until the next morning.
9:19 a.m.
“Good morning. Ur beach towel text got to me last night. It’s been hard. Hope you’re ok. I miss you.”
ME: “Hi babe. Sorry about the text. So natural to tell you that stuff. I shouldn’t have done it. I just wanted you to know you’re always with me. My head is a mess right now.”
ANYA: “Really? Is your head a mess b/c of us or b/c you’re sick?”
ME: “b/c of us.”
ANYA: “Do you want to talk?”
ME: “Idk if there’s anything to talk about. You’re doing the right thing. I’m just doing what I can to cope with it.”
ANYA: “Ok.”
Ten minutes after she sent me this text, she messaged me again.
10:34 a.m.
“I’m here if you need me.”
ME: “I’m here for you too, babe. This is equally hard on both of us.”
ANYA: “Very hard. Can’t sleep.”
ME: “I hope you’re not worrying about me. If you’re losing sleep over that please don’t.”
ANYA: “I worry about you plus I miss you.”
ME: “I don’t want you to lose sleep but I’d rather you lose sleep b/c you miss me babe. Don’t worry baby.”
ANYA: “I miss you so much.”
Ten minutes after she sent me this last text. She sent me another.
11:01 a.m.
“I’m sorry I’m putting you through this.”
ME: “You’re doing the right thing. If there’s any chance for us unfortunately this had to happen. I love you.”
ANYA: “I love you my love.”
ME: “I think you know how hard this is for me b/c it’s hard on you too.”
ANYA: “Thank you. I know it is. My stomach is in a knot. Mind is foggy. Can’t seem to catch my breath. Teary eyed. I guess I’m a mess too. You take care and have a good day. I love you forever.”
ME: “I love you forever and I’m here for you. Have a good day Beautiful.”
ANYA: “Oh one more thing…”
ME: “What is it babe?”
ANYA: “Does this Friday count as cancelling?”
ME: “Technically yes, but I think I can let you slide. I love you forever.”
ANYA: “Thank you baby.”
ME: “Just know I’m here, sweetheart. I’m feeling the same things. I haven’t been eating and when I do I can only take a few bites. I tear up suddenly when the littlest thought of you comes to mind. I won’t go into details because I don’t want it to affect you at home. I’m not sleeping too, like you. We’re in this together. Text me anytime you want. I love you with all my heart.”
An hour later, after she told me she couldn’t seem to catch her breath and her stomach was in a knot, I couldn’t help but text her to see if she was okay as I disguised my concern to let her know I just learned I had a high credit score, a nearly perfect one.
12:16 p.m.
“Thank you for your sweet text. That’s great about your credit score! I could have guess that though, you’re so responsible. I miss you too. Thanks for letting me sit in your car!”
ME: “Thank you for extending me the honor of sitting in it!”
ANYA: “I hope I’ll get to sit in it again. I love you.”
ME: “I want that more than anything, Beautiful. To see you in my car again.”
Four hours later, she texted me again, as the truth of her truest feelings shone through brightly simply she never texted me all day on a Monday.
4:32 p.m.
“Is your soup more chunky or smooth? Is it more light orange in color or more dark tomato?”
ME: “Smooth and light orange in color, babe.”
ANYA: “Thank you, baby.”
ME: “I just love you to death.”
ANYA: “I just love you to death too.”
Her soup question brought tears to my eyes as if she made onion soup right in front of me. Her texts put on complete display the woman I fell in love with and why it was so easy to fall for her, and so hard to stomach her loss. These kinds of thoughts she showed me out of the blue separated her from all other woman and what made her truly beautiful. It was not how wonderful she smelled or how pretty she always looked, but how she made me feel inside about myself. I just could never feel good about who I was without her in my life as her love validated me as worthy of being here.
ME: “Are you making soup tonight for dinner?”
ANYA: “Yes baby. In your honor. Only Katie and I will be home to have it tonight.”
ME: “I’m honored babe.”
I then began to dream I was there to eat dinner with them having fun as we ate the best tasting soup with the greatest of company as I wished I was lucky enough to call them “my girls”.
6:05 p.m.
“R u still taking Friday off?”
ME: “Yes.”
ANYA: “Don’t worry. I wasn’t asking for u to see me. Just asking.”
ME: “Now that is something I would never worry about. You know I would love to see you.”
ANYA: “I know. It’s so hard.”
ME: “Tell me about it. Plus, you owe me one!”
ANYA: “Ha! That’s true!”
I was just teasing her when I mentioned that, but a half hour later, she revealed the truth as to why she asked me.
7:24 p.m.
“Actually, I was thinking to make a fresh batch either Thurs night or Friday morn to give you on Friday. That’s why I asked if you were taking it off. I was too afraid to ask if I could meet you to give it to you.”
ME: “That’s something you should never be afraid to ask me babe. Please always remember that. I would meet you anywhere too, babe. I just want to respect what you want for us right now. I have to respect that as much as I want to kiss you and hold you or you will resent me for it.”
ANYA: “Thank you I appreciate that. U don’t know how much I want to be in your arms and kiss you. I long for it. Ok let’s plan on it for Friday. Don’t know what time yet. I have to pick up Katie right now. I better go babe. Goodnight babe. I miss you. I love you forever.”
There were many great days I experienced with Anya, but this at least for me was one of the best days I ever had with her simply because the day spoke volumes of truth as her love for me shone through like never before. It brought to light the words she told me when she said divorces happened all the time and that nothing was impossible. It was a day I felt like a need and not a luxury as it made me regret every negative thought I ever carried and ever had. Her love on this day was indisputable and undeniable as I found it ironic her greatest love showed for me and I felt more secure when she tried to break up with me. I represented her truth. Not the source of her self-destruction but the path into her self-awareness. I made her aware of her true feelings and her need for love, the years of abuse she endured from a husband who loved no one more than he loved himself.
I was grateful she struggled but also saddened that she did because I only wanted her to hurt long enough for me to know she loved me, and I’d take her pain as well as my own If I could as I went to bed knowing well, no matter what happened between us, Anya truly did love me in the same form I loved her. All she wanted was to be happy again, and how dare did anyone deny her that, something a wife let alone a human being should always have.
And there was no truer proof needed of the love she had for me, when she texted me the following morning.
8:33 a.m.
“He confronted me last night. He knows your full name. He said he’s known for a year. He’s angry. I told him we’re just friends.”
Best friends.
Soulmates.