“And I look high and low for yesterday,

high and low for you and I.”

~ “High and Low” Greg Laswell

6:45 a.m.

"Wow! Can u call me?"

I hesitated and took a few moments to think. I really didn’t know how she felt about the texts, and after our heavy conversation the previous day it could go either way, but I needed to know where she stood as well. I’m in her life based solely on the premise she was still there only because if she were to leave no one would be there for her. Her kids were even referred to me as “baggage”, although not as such to her in any way because I knew how much she loved them, but she feared no one would accept her with them after Lance the romantic fraud left her. For nearly the last eight months, I put my heart and soul into showing her how committed I was to her, that her kids were truly only a bonus to me. I felt she needed to know how vested I was and these words were my true intentions. I never put myself out there for anyone like this; not even for prior girlfriends I thought at the time I loved. These words were so easy to write yet so difficult to be known. They exposed me to her like never before, and that was when I was usually judged and abandoned by the women I cared for in my life. I felt Anya tested me many times, and my “All I Know” texts were a test for her as well to see if she could meet me there, and if she truly loved me too.

When I finally got the strength to call, nervous and even shy, her response to the texts blew me away. Rather than flee she embraced them, was deeply moved and touched by all the feelings I made known to her like no one had before, even a husband who proclaimed he loved her. She even told me she would save them, and never delete them. After a brief phone convo because she had to start her day, I left with a good feeling about us as I reiterated I wasn’t in her life to fill a void, but to give her an opportunity for happiness which I felt was also beneficial to her children.

8:03 a.m.

“I will look at my saved texts when I get discouraged. Thanks again. It was beautiful and very touching. I love you forever.”

She would save the texts on her phone; a true show of love and belief that meant the world to me. Later that same day, she let me know how much they meant to her.

3:39 p.m.

“I read the saved texts again. Love it.”

Her reaction to my texts made me wish I sent them sooner, but at the same time I believe I sent them at the right time. It did my heart good to know they meant so much to her, but she meant so much to me. I felt she needed to realize how serious I was about us, that I would have never gotten involved or given her a chance for less than marrying her.

As much as they meant to her though, I also sent them to challenge her. I needed to know she was as serious as I was too. On her final night in New York City, I felt a pull from her.

5:20 p.m.

“Hi! Snuck out of the gala w/other moms! Boring! Might take Katie out to Four Seasons for dinner later. The gala is totally stupid! Cheap wine and gross food!”

ME: “Glad you were able to escape! Sorry to hear that.”

ANYA: “I thought about all the things you said to me this morning. Can’t help but wonder if u actually understand what it means to commit for a lifetime.”

There were things Anya said or text at times during our relationship that took me aback because of my low self-esteem issues, and this was one of those times as my mind and heart did battle. My head forced me to acknowledge her words made it sound as if her husband was just this wonderful man who happened to stray a few times, like most men with his options, and how could she possibly expect him to remain loyal to her because all marriages were unrealistic anyway. It further sounded as if it condoned and even pardoned his gross infidelities, which was fine, but not after she allowed me into her life by asking me out on a date just to make me aware of them. Her statement made me feel like I had no idea what love truly was because I had never been married, almost as if I was crazy for feeling all the things I did. My heart interjected though and forced me to see the fear in her statement; what if I was a fraud like her husband or even Lance? A man who talked a big game but when the game was on the line withered away just like both of them? As much as her wonder threw me off, I had to chalk it up to fear and years of emotional abuse from a husband who had no clue what love really was as her ego, an ego she created to deal with her pain, fought for comprehension of the incomprehensible. I couldn’t blame her for feeling the way she did regardless of how much her statement hurt my feelings.

ME: “If you truly love and respect someone it should be easy to commit yourself to them for a lifetime. That’s how I feel about it. I’m sure there are tough times but the empathy you have for someone should keep you committed to them. The fear of losing what you have should as well. I guess you would have to have an idea of what it’s like to be alone for a while to understand why I feel you just don’t take things for granted, especially a loving relationship.”

She wondered aloud to a man who always searched and believed in love. A man who was single for a long time only because he held true to his convictions and refused to settle even taking on judgments from others who questioned his sexual preference for doing so all because he always believed marriages were realistic when you were with the right person. Anya felt alone, but she wasn’t truly alone to know how I meant everything and took nothing for granted especially if all I had to do was commit to someone I truly loved for a lifetime. An easy task for me, but impossible for people who marry people for the wrong reasons.

ANYA: “Ur like me an idealist! How?”

ME: “How? More like how could I not be?”

ANYA: “I’m sorry to question you. I’m just overwhelmed by emotions.”

Her “overwhelmed by emotions” brought me back to Lexi, when she told me the same thing then decided to never see me again. I got the impression after this series of texts she wanted to believe I wasn’t for real so she didn’t have to face anything. Like all the things I ever did and said couldn’t possibly stand the test of time, even all the things she ever told me all because of a man who chose to be grossly unfaithful to her. Nearly eight months of a love that filled me up yet also made me feel empty wasn’t easy on my heart and mind as I still held onto the belief if she stayed, she would choose her husband over me, not her children; even after all the horrific things she told me about him, things she made a date to tell me about to bring me to this point. As much as I thought it was a possibility, there was no way I could believe she’d bring us this far to abandon me with all these feelings. Then again “nicest guy” and “overwhelmed by emotions” were code phrases to ignite my mind to wage war against my heart.

ME: “I love you. That’s why I wrote all I did to you. I wanted you to know I’m for real. These are real feelings I have for you. I wouldn’t share any of them with you if they weren’t true. If we were married, I’d never dream of cheating on you no matter what. I would be honest with you if something wasn’t right because I simply respect your heart and your emotions.”

ANYA: “I know that babe. U know I would never.”

ME: “I meant every word I text you.”

ANYA: “I know u did. Thank u. I took it to heart. It’s been an emotional day. Everything makes me think of you. I get jealous whenever I c a happy couple. I love you.”

When she told me this, I understood better where her negative words came from, and she didn’t mean anything by it. I had to realize in the face of my past low self-esteem issues, she was as frustrated as I was, and sometimes it was easier to discount me than to deal with it especially around her children. Emotions had to make her feel uneasy also because the last time she felt this kind of vulnerability, the man who promised to honor and cherish her forever recklessly failed to do so.

Her return flight left at noon the following day, but when she arrived home she text me from a client dinner I had no idea she had scheduled upon her return.

7:59 p.m.

“U must hate me. Here I’m back in town and I can’t even talk to you cuz I’m out at a dinner. I’m so sorry. I love u.”

ME: “Please don’t be sorry. No worries. I totally understand. Just happy you’re home safe and sound. I love u too.”

I didn’t expect to hear from her on this day other than to let me know she made it home as it was a long travel day along with a three-hour time lag. The next day she filled me in though on the details of her dinner meeting.

8:59 a.m.

“We talked about NY, my kids, her kids, and then business. She’s an architect but left her firm b/c of politics and joined the Rose Associates. We talked about the softening economy. She claims to have potential commercial tenants, mostly from out of state who want to relocate their main headquarter offices. We’ll see.”

As I read her message, my low self-esteem reared its hideous head to hear about the effort she made under considerable fatigue to build the Jackson Caiaphas brand, and it brought me right back to our serious conversation in New York City. When we began our relationship, not one time did Anya mention she would consult with her children about her decision to divorce, but what hurt me the most is that her plan to do just that completely excluded me from the equation as if I didn’t exist in her life, after she allowed me to go all in without any fear her kids would be making such a decision. If I had known this going in there was no way I had given her a chance because I knew how my heart beat all too well. First of all, I would never want to put her in that position. Second, I’d never want her kids to be saddened and third, I’d be wasting my time to come in the middle of their lives. It burned me inside I was even allowed to be in her life for a single day if this was the case as it felt like a bait and switch technique, a selling pitch no doubt learned from her mentor, Jackson Caiaphas. I fought to ignore my mind once again as I listened more to my heart. I couldn’t deny for the life of me I loved her to death, and I had to trust that she respected me enough to not bring us this far along just to commit suicide. I knew what the end of us would bring, and I had to believe she wanted to be saved more than she wanted to stay. Then again, how could she ask me to fight for her without telling me no matter what I did she ultimately wouldn’t be the decision maker? I found it troublesome she could bring another man into this, as if my feelings didn’t matter as once again I felt like they were discounted like a running water faucet I should easily be able to turn off. I had to be honest with myself, I questioned for the first time in our relationship what if she didn’t truly love me and was using me in an all-out effort just to feel alive again?

The more I considered this all for the first time in our relationship in tandem with Mitch’s ninety-two eight assessment, the more agitated I felt and the more emotionally drained I became. I knew she definitely cared about me, but what if she didn’t know what love was and she pretended to hijack me for the feeling itself? I poured myself completely into her but the difference was if this didn’t work out, she still had her family to fall back on, but what did I have? A career and a life without meaning? Was she truly this disconnected with what love meant? What did being “in love” really mean to her if it’s just all she knew? What were her true intentions?

ME: “Well, I hope you can get her business.”

ANYA: “I’m so tired. I went to my trainer this morning. How r u?”

ME: “I’m ok. I have to be honest but I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around how you would put the decision to end your marriage in the hands of your children.”

ANYA: “R u done with us?”

ME: “Should I be? R u done with us?”

ANYA: “No. I wish I knew what to do. I told Debbie this morning that I wish I could just run away. After a long convo the kids came back in play.”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to question the way she felt. She was entitled to feel all she did, however, I found it hard to believe the only solution from a woman who demonstrated a ton of courage by pursuing a serious relationship with me considering her circumstances was the most cowardly of all acts, to run away; a great contradiction. Of course, I would not allow her to run away from her kids, but what were her true intentions if she felt this way? She then hit me with a text that rendered me at a loss for words.

9:59 a.m.

“If you want to let me go I’ll make it easy for you. Why don’t you just call me and do it over the phone. I’d understand. I don’t think I could stomach seeing u in person.”

And then another just four minutes later.

10:03 a.m.

“Actually don’t call me. I can’t talk to u rt now. I’m sick to my stomach. I’ll talk to u later. I’m not mad at u. I don’t blame u.”

When she sent me these texts, her fear and pain of losing me hit hard as I instantly felt awful and began to bargain with her to keep the three things you never gave up on in life alive.

ME: “You still believe in us, right? If you don’t then there’s really no chance. I don’t stand a chance against your kids, babe. No child is going to give their parents the OK to divorce.”

ANYA: “There’s always a chance, but I told u I can’t promise u. I think it would be easier 4 us if u let us go.”

After wanting me to fight for her, she now wanted me to let “us” go as if it was the easiest of all things to do, and it brought me right back seven years ago to Denise who wanted me to do the same thing because she didn’t want to play the bad guy; the reason why I asked for brutal honesty from Anya even if it hurt me. Even though she appeared to do the same, I paid attention to the one stark difference between them; Denise never felt sick to her stomach. I didn’t need her to promise me now, I believed the time would come for that, but as long as she still believed in our love then there was a chance, and I didn’t want to give up on her or us, but I also needed to know what had to happen for her to be with me.

ANYA: “If I can get a guarantee my children won’t hate me and their future won’t be affected b/c of me and that they will grow up to be healthy young adults.”

I wanted the same thing for Anya and her kids. I didn’t want their future to be affected. I didn’t want them to hate her. I wanted them to grow up to be healthy young adults too. I just didn’t understand why she would bring my heart this far, to lead me to the ultimate love and now to a heart that didn’t want to let her go. After I read this I wondered why I wasn’t informed of this when I asked her what I needed to do to get a promise from her as I felt bamboozled. She had two kids before she met me. There was another man before me too. She even had five months to consider a relationship with me before we reconnected. I felt she was making a horrible mistake by asking me to let us go, and even though I questioned her intentions I cared about her too much as I held on for dear life because I wanted to believe I was wrong about all my negative thoughts.

ME: “I want to be with u and I dream about a future with you.”

ANYA: “I want to be with you and dream about a future too, but I think we’ve come to a point where it is too hard to go on like this. I’m not ready to tell my kids.”

ME: “I’m not asking you to tell your kids right now. I just worry if you ever had any intentions to tell them.”

ANYA: “I guess I always thought when the time was right I would sit down and tell them what I’ve been going through. I wouldn’t tell them the exact truth. I would hope for their support and that they’d tell me they don’t hate me. At that point they’d tell me they would be alright. The only way it’s possible is if my kids tell me they will be fine. I don’t care about everything else.”

ME: “Ok.”

ANYA: “Please let us go. I don’t want to hurt u anymore. I will always love you. My life will never be the same but knowing that u will go on to be happy will be enough.”

ME: “I don’t think that would make me happy at all knowing your life will never be the same. I didn’t come into your life to leave you sad. My feelings don’t work that way babe because I will always love you too.”

ANYA: “I can’t make u happy right now and I don’t want to live with that. I love u with all my soul. If u want to call me I will make myself available to talk.”

It felt like I locked eyes with Medusa as her words turned me to stone, unable to move. She loved me with all her soul yet wanted to let us go? Did she not understand she was married to a man she could never trust? She would choose to stay with a man who used her to make a buck over one who truly loved and respected her? Who wanted to see her truly happy? Doesn’t love always catch the ones who fall especially if they are hurting? I couldn’t text her back, I was too frustrated with her request, and I didn’t want things to come out wrong as I felt my words only contributed to the distortion. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings as I feared her kids may be around so I had to find some emotional peace within before I responded. After I failed to an hour later, she felt inclined to follow-up.

1:40 p.m.

“Landyn. R u ok baby? I’m broken. I understand u don’t want to talk to me. I will always love you.”

My low self-esteem took over from there as I felt duped again by another woman in my life. Another one who didn’t catch me when I fell. All I could do was line up all what I felt were misrepresentations made to me that brought me to this point. All the sacrifices I quietly made for her gone unappreciated. I didn’t want things to end but how could she discard all these feelings I held for her by putting an adult decision in the hands of her kids to make? I knew she had to consider their input, but to base her decision solely on it I didn’t understand. I decided it best to let her dictate the communication between us as I tried to maintain a shred of any emotional intelligence I had left because I was so confused and even feared it could be me who was off base for feeling the way I did.

3:16 p.m.

“Is it over? Can you at least tell me that? Just tell me and I’ll leave u alone. I don’t think I deserve the silent treatment. I’m broken too.”

I didn’t intend to give her the silent treatment. I just didn’t want to cause further damage with something I felt I could be wrong about like I had in the past. I didn’t want to let us go, but what choice did I truly have if she placed her decision to leave him in the hands of her children? I trusted her to be the adult about this; not the child.

3:43 p.m.

“Ok, I’ll take it that ur breaking up w/me. I never thought if it were going to end it would end this way. I hope we can talk in person about this someday.”

3:44 p.m.

“I’m going to turn off my phone now b/c I don’t want to wait for you. U may have zero intention to text me or call me but at least I won’t hurt so much waiting.”

When I took into consideration her next series of texts to me, as much as I hurt, it pained me just as much to see her suffer, and it broke my heart. One of the main reasons I broke up with Sara was because she gave me the silent treatment. The only reason I gave it to Anya was because I wanted to think about this before I responded due to all the heavy emotions and the fear her kids were there. Her texts told me one thing, clear as the tears that began to fall unannounced down my cheek, this woman wasn’t listening to herself. As the man who loved her, it was my job to make her see that and to challenge her to. If I broke up with her, regardless of who she put her decision into the hands of, she would continue to live a lie; a false life. Even though I had trust issues at the moment, I had to hold on to the belief she was an honest person living a dishonest life, and she wouldn’t go this far for nothing. I felt my duty was to take her out of the darkness of lies and into the light of the truth. If I ended things with her she would only have an excuse to dodge a decision she needed to make, but she would continue to suffer, and I couldn’t allow that on my conscience. I had come too far to not try to show her the miscalculations she made out of fear. I loved her way too much to give up on us as I had to put all my trust in her love for me.

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ME: “I’m sorry sweetheart. I didn’t mean to give you the silent treatment to hurt you. I just needed some time to make sure I text you with understanding because you’re around your kids. You’re my true love. I don’t want to let us go.”

Two hours passed before I received her response.

ANYA: “I just turned on my phone b/c I have to leave and got ur texts. Ur my true love but I don’t know how much I can handle the emotional rollercoaster.”

ME: “I understand. Again, I’m so sorry I didn’t respond. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

ANYA: “K why don’t we talk tom. Have a nice evening.”

I remember that particular evening as the most silent and darkest of my entire life. I barely slept as the wheels in my mind spun mercilessly. I wondered how did she expect me to take the news she gave me. As if I didn’t have a single feeling for her? As if I was Robert Kincaid from “The Bridges of Madison County” after a three-day roll in the hay? I found it painfully obvious I needed to teach her about love so she could truly trust in it again. To show her how it always catches people, how it never strays, and never lets them go. How it fights and always wins in the end, yet it was so difficult on me to understand her stance as the dulled agony of a possible life without her seeped in.

She didn’t text me until mid-afternoon the following day, but I didn’t allow her late contact to warp my mind as we were now on the mend from yesterday.

2:22 p.m.

“Hi! Sorry left at 8 this morning and just got home! What r u up to?”

ME: “Hi! No worries! I’m just at home getting ready for the week ahead. How r u?”

ANYA: “I’m ok. Still haven’t recovered from yesterday and still thinking about our situation.”

ME: “I’m sorry. Recovered?”

ANYA: “Yes, emotionally.”

ME: “I understand. I’m very sorry I hurt you.”

ANYA: “You don’t have to apologize. I’m not mad at u. I asked u to please let us go because I didn’t want u to keep hurting. Yesterday made me think logically. It was a wake-up call for me. The thought of us parting made me sick but I was empowered by knowing I couldn’t hurt you if we were no longer together.”

ME: “I’m fine babe. I’m not hurting.”

ANYA: “Ur not hurting now. What about next time? U always knew the chance was there.”

She felt empowered that she couldn’t hurt me if we were no longer together. The best part about her statement was she acknowledged we were a couple; that this was indeed a relationship in her eyes and it meant a lot to me. How could she actually believe though, in any sense of a logical state of mind, that she could no longer hurt me if we were no longer together? Only the relationship status changed, not all my feelings, even hers. I would always love her and I would always care so it didn’t matter. The bullet had already been lodged deep inside of me for the rest of my life.

ME: “It just made me question your intentions, and that’s what hurt me. I love you very much. Letting us go doesn’t change that.”

ANYA: “I love u very much too. I don’t understand how u could question my intentions? I don’t think u have any idea what I have to juggle to c u and to keep our contacts.”

ME: “You’re right, I don’t really know about all u have to juggle to see and text me. I’m sorry to question your intentions, and I know you miss me a lot because you do find time for us even with all you have to juggle. I’m just not used to being loved. I feel all my life, “love” has always tried to find a way to not be with me. From my experience, women just eventually find ways not to appreciate a man like me.”

ANYA: “I don’t want to keep this up. I have to sit on it and think about it some more. I do miss u very much. Hard for me to understand why you feel that way. You’re the most lovable, caring, thoughtful, loving, romantic, gentle and most patient man I know. All reasons why I fell for you…”

ME: “You only appreciate those things in me because of what you’ve experienced through someone else. Not everyone is like him, Anya. There are a ton of men out there who would be faithful to you and would love you forever. I’m not that special.”

I felt I gave her some things to consider as she thought about her situation and our relationship. I wanted to give her the space to think this through even though I felt her thoughts were illogical if she still truly loved me. For the remainder of that afternoon, I just waited for the ball to drop; for the smart bomb to find me. As I waited, I decided to leave the dreariness of my apartment and head to a bookstore to bury my mind in another world. An hour later with my eyes submerged in a self-help book, she sent me a text I expected to obliterate any chance I had left for us.

7:46 p.m.

“I’m walking w/Debbie right now. How r u?”

ME: “I’m ok. Please say hello to Debbie for me. How r u?”

ANYA: “I miss u…”

ME: “I miss u too.”

ANYA: “Want to squeeze in an hour tom nite between 6-7? Somewhere closer to my place like RJ’s again?

ME: “I’d love to.”

ANYA: “Ok, I’ll make it work. Goodnight sweets. I love you.”

I breathed a heavy sigh of relief, and decided to go home to jump on the opportunity I had to fall asleep while I felt good enough to finally do so. Anya text me at around eleven on Monday morning to confirm the time and if I wanted to meet her inside or outside RJ’s. I thought it best to meet outside so we could talk out our issues over the last few days privately, and she agreed. Unfortunately, I gave her the sense I was hurting but in reality I was more confused than anything, and a little frustrated as she was also. I just had to find a way to assure her I would be fine going forward and this hiccup would only strengthen us.

I warned her I’d be in a tie due to a lack of time to change after work to meet her at six. After she told me she loved ties and thought they were sexy, I then felt much better about being overdressed for our meeting. I found a private spot in the parking lot behind RJ’s where some business offices were. It appeared most people left their offices already since only a few cars remained. Anya parked right next to me when she arrived at six sharp, and quickly jumped into my car upon her exit from hers. She looked elegantly sexy adorned in jewelry that shone in the evening sun and dressed all in white with a top lower than usual. I was ecstatic to see her, and overwhelmed as I fed off the excitement in her eyes when she saw me. As she began to smooth my tie with her hand against my chest, and while fittingly U2’s “With or Without You” began to play on a radio I rarely used, I leaned in to kiss her but when I did I was met by pursed lips.

“Awkward.” she said to me as I pulled slowly away.

I didn’t know what to say. It stunned me she could be so cold yet I felt responsible for it. As I fought to ignore my sudden low sense of self, I kept my heart on my objective to show her my love and not my sadness as a timely song on the radio declared the truth of my anguish.

“I know you’re upset with me. I understand.” I said. “Look, I know we can get through this. It’s my fault and I will make adjustments in my life. I’m at home all the time and I see you out and about enjoying your life, and it makes me miss you more. I feel if I go out more, and get out of my apartment, it will help me not miss you so much, then I should be fine.”

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” she said. “I feel bad about things.”

“Please don’t feel bad. I don’t want you to. We’re in this together.” I said. “Hey, you know all those things I know that I text to you?”

“Yes.”

“All those things I want with only one person, and that person is you.” I said.

“I want all the same things too.”

“Then let’s get through this and if I mess up again, I will let us go. I don’t want to hurt you either. I love you. That’s why I can’t let us go.”

“I don’t deserve you…”

“Babe, is there something else I don’t know?” I asked. “If there is please let me know even if you have to obliterate my heart. Then I’ll let us go.”

“No…I just feel bad I can’t be with you now.”

“Then beautiful, you’re the only one who’s ever deserved me.” I said as our lips now met without resistance. “Give me one more chance. If I screw it up, I’ll let us go.”

“Can I think about it? I’m still not sure.”

“Of course.” I said. “Take your time.”

She nodded her head then leaned in to kiss me one last time. After we exchanged several words of affection for each other, she informed me she was on her way to meet up with Debbie and Carolyn for Andrew’s Elementary School principal’s retirement party and had to run. After our difficult but I felt overall positive conversation, one that could have easily taken a nosedive considering how her visit began, she left me with hope for us; my chief objective achieved.

I sent her a text later that evening to tell her I missed her, but I didn’t hear back from her until three hours later.

10:51 p.m.

“Hi! I miss u! Goodnight!”

When the next day arrived as I hoped for her change of heart, she text to wish me a good morning and to confirm our meeting at my apartment for “lunch” on Wednesday, the following day, like we originally planned and I felt encouraged. I also feared however, Wednesday could be our last day together, and if it was then I had to accept it and respect her decision but much like the death of a loved one I knew it would be impossible to prepare for.

When Wednesday arrived, I had never been so nervous. I didn’t know what to expect; a new beginning or the end. She looked as gorgeous as ever, even snatched up my hand in hers the minute she saw me and buried her head into my chest. My eternal frenemies, apprehension and fear, took ahold of me as we made small talk before we entered my apartment. I then took a little longer than usual to lock my apartment door behind us as to buy more time and suspend her possible ending of us. After I locked the door and she handed me a burned CD from her purse, five minutes later our warm bare skin touched each other in bed; the appreciation for what we were stronger than ever. After a half hour of affectionate kissing and caressing, as if it was only a minute long passed, while I held her in my arms she began to tell me about her evening the night before.

“We stayed at Andrew’s school principal’s retirement party pretty late last night.”

“How was it?”

“It was fun. My friend’s son, Greg Laswell was there. He’s a musician.” she said. “He sang and played stuff from his new CD. It was cool!”

“Is he a solo artist or is he part of a band?”

“Solo but works with others for recording and music videos.” she said. “Some of his music is on the CD I burned for you. There’s a song called “High & Low”. It’s really sad.”

“What song number is it?” I asked as I grabbed the CD and put it in the player on my nightstand.

“It’s the second to last song. His songs on the CD are one, six, seven, thirteen and fourteen.”

“Ok. Got it.”

As the song began to play, a piano embraced the air around us as Greg’s words powerfully yet gracefully told the story about a man’s heartbreak. The song’s final stanza completely gripped me as his lyrics pierced the air and my heart.

“Found a letter from a man I might have met,

addressed to you;

And I’ll steal the words he ended with.

I

Miss

You.

And I do.”

The artistry of the song came to life as you could feel the pain through his voice as it coincided with the change in the piano. Not only did it penetrate my ears but also touched my soul as I couldn’t help not to tear up. I’ve questioned my manhood many times since I met Anya, but no more than at this moment as I was no longer immune to my emotions succumbing to the power of music. After a very emotional week for us, his song hit me square in the heart, and I learned why love had no memory as the negative feelings I held just a few days earlier melted away.

“Wow. I wasn’t expecting that. Thank you for burning that song for me.” I said as I wiped my eyes. “Have you ever had a song touch you so much?”

“You’re welcome. Yes, I have. I feel music. Even the happy ones.” she said. “He told me the story behind it.”

“You were able to talk with him?” I asked. “Is it a true story?”

“Everything is true in the song according to Greg. He and his ex planned a trip to visit some friends but she took off before the trip.” she elaborated. “She took off with a man.”

“That’s absolutely heart wrenching. You can tell in his voice.”

“You can hear it in his voice for sure. He was heartbroken and missed her and wanted to die. When he sings “I miss you” at the end of the song, you can hear the pain.”

“No doubt.” I said as I thought how Anya’s departure from my life would leave me to feel the exact same thing as I understood further why the song gripped me.

“It’s amazing because his last girlfriend was Mandy Moore and he doesn’t care.” she said. “If he could take her back he would. That’s amazingly crazy!”

“I don’t find that amazingly crazy at all.” I said. “It kills you inside to imagine someone you love so much in someone else’s arms. That someone else makes her smile. It leaves you not wanting anyone else. I get it.”

“He asked me if I ever missed someone so greatly that it paralyzes you. I told him yes and I know that pain. It’s been four years and he’s still hurt.”

As Anya shared with me Greg’s story of heartbreak, I saw how similar him and I were in our thought process about love. There were just some losses in life so great you never really get over them, and I knew losing Anya would be that kind of loss; unlike a divorce, more like a death. When I heard about Anya’s revelation she missed someone so greatly before it paralyzed her, I felt secure who she referred to because I felt the same thing.

“I know that feeling too.” I said as I held her tight and kissed her. “I get him. I guess he’s lucky in the sense he has options like a Mandy Moore. Could you imagine a man without those options at his disposal?”

“He didn’t even like Mandy Moore. He said she was young and immature. He was married ten years with his ex.”

“What? She took off on him after they’ve been married for ten years and he never even cheated on her?”

“Yes. Luckily they didn’t have any kids. She called after a week went by to let him know what she was up to. She fell in love with someone else.”

“That’s pretty vicious, evil and sick to do that to someone who truly loved her. Maybe there’s more to it than he was willing to share with you. I don’t know.”

“How great that he can express his feelings through music though. I mean what if you didn’t have that?” she said. “I guess you could write. What if you’re not a writer? I guess you can just drink a lot! Just kidding!”

As she spoke these words to me, and because it was followed by a personal “just kidding” it felt like a foreshadowing; a glimpse into the future from her as I knew my writing or drinking wouldn’t be enough to help me live without her. I now realized how much I was at her mercy as all I could do was trust in her love for me; to trust she wasn’t vicious, evil or sick like Greg Laswell’s ex-wife appeared to be.

“By the way babe.” she said to me.

“What is it?” I asked in fear a bomb was about to be dropped.

“I love you in a white dress shirt and tie! You looked so handsome yesterday.”

“Thank you!” I exclaimed with relief. “I should have worn one again today!”

“Ha! You always look handsome.” she said as she leaned up to kiss me then buried her head against my chest. “I missed you so much when I left you last night.”

“I missed you too.” I said as I kissed the top of her head. “I think that goes without saying at this point.”

“The girls are getting together again tonight but I’m not in the mood. I’m on the fence.”

“Are you tired?” I asked as I began to play with her hair.

“No, not tired. Just not in the mood.” she said. “I read ur texts again last night before I went home. I teared up. I do every time I read them. They were the most beautiful things anyone has ever said to me.”

“I meant every word. It’s how I truly feel.” I said as I held her a little tighter. “Although I am a little worried about sharing a bathroom counter with you. I don’t think there’ll be enough room for me there. I think you’d kick me out for sure.”

“Ha! No, I’d never kick you out.” she said as she looked up again at me. “Your space would just be smaller!”

“I can live with that.” I said as my lips met hers.

“You’re easy babe.”

“I’m glad you think so.”

“When I die…” she said softly as her voice trailed off. “I want to be buried at Paseos with you.”

“Ok. Next time I’m there I’ll be sure to ask if we can both be buried under “Our Office”.” I joked. “See if they can swing something for us. I think they like me enough to grant my request. I usually tip really well there! So I think it can happen.”

“I’m not kidding babe.” she said in a serious tone as her moist eyes engaged mine. “I want to be buried next to you.”

If there was ever a statement she felt we belonged together as much as I did, this was it even if our resting place where our eyes closed forever was the same place our open eyes first met.

Without a word, lost in only the communication of our eyes, a ship and its captain caught in a perfect storm of emotions, I positioned myself on top of her and pulled her body, like a vessel against a sudden current, dominantly underneath me as her eyes filled with excitement; a sense of awe and hope I had never seen in them before.

There are moments in our life we look back at and this was one of those times for me, a moment I didn’t want to carry any regrets about, and a sin if I didn’t do so. I had looked into Anya’s artful dark eyes many times over the last eight months, but this time as their quiet resonant beauty reflected into mine, I had never seen so much love in them. They danced around me in excitement as they read my mind, and then sucked me in as I no longer saw her but rather her entire soul. As she began to touch me in the most sensually sensitive of places, I dreamt we were under a Paris moon while all the love in her eyes leapt into mine upon entry through her own sensual passageway. As we melted into one person, the love I felt for and from her was unlike any other time before as I held on to her for dear life afraid this moment might be the last.

When our time together elapsed as I laid face up with empty arms now alone in my bed, I stared into a ceiling I saw past after one of the most beautiful moments of my entire existence. I concluded at that moment if she left me I’d never recover emotionally from it as the Landyn Lastman that existed before I met her was already buried somewhere else without anyone next to him. The person who used to only listen to hard rock and heavy metal now listened to the likes of Michael Buble, David Gray and Greg Laswell, and I did not miss that old Landyn at all. I believed the person I became with Anya was the person I had always been but somehow got lost along the winding trails of life. Through her, through the beauty of her dark eyes as I stared directly into her soul, I found myself and it was nothing short of a miracle.

I found it hard to gauge that her intentions were to lead me on as I couldn’t imagine anyone could be that cruel and deceptive. I chalked my ideas up to the fact I never loved someone so much before and I didn’t want to lose her because I’d lose myself again forever as I knew there were no roads back. Regardless of her crazy schedule, she always found a way to see me and she always found a way to make time for me, even at times I didn’t think she would as I felt blessed to have seen her two days in a row. When she told me I didn’t know all the things she had to juggle to keep our contacts, she was trying to tell me she does everything she can to find a way to make this work, and I couldn’t believe she wouldn’t plan to find a way to be with me one day as well. I had to make adjustments in my life not so I wouldn’t miss her, but to keep the missing under control so I could think more positively and hurt less when I couldn’t hold her. If I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I simply had to.

1:55 p.m.

“I’m always thankful for the time we have together. I miss you.”

Upon her return home, she text me and when she spelled out the entire word “you” instead of “u”, I felt her words were stronger than usual, and not just something she typed in a rush to keep me informed about her feelings; a sincerity I appreciated and felt as well.

Later that afternoon, she took her kids to the show and told me the theater played one of Greg’s new songs “How the Day Sounds” on the loudspeakers before the movie started, a song she also burned for me. I messaged her later that evening to see what she was up to and to let her know she was on my mind.

8:54 p.m.

“Hi! Sorry went out to dinner! You’ve been on my mind since I left u. Thank you baby! You’re always so sweet! I miss you very much! I love you!”

As I learned hours later this was her final text to me for the evening, I began to feel a little discouraged, engulfed by loneliness, and lost in what transpired earlier; the price I paid for living in the moment to have zero regrets. To help ease my heavy mind, and in lieu of journaling, I decided to read some articles off a website to see if anyone else could possibly relate to this heartache in an attempt to stymie the missing. With what had to be the universe’s help, I came across an article written by a married woman who fell in love with another man who responded to a reader who criticized her for going astray; a woman in Anya’s same position.

“I am a married woman who is having an affair with a single man, whom I love with my entire heart. I once loved my husband, but he is psychologically abusive. The man I am in love with was a friend, and I have known him for 10 years. I have never been the cheating type, and crossing that line with the man I am ln love with came as a result of marrying someone for the sake of the bond his and my children had formed. I ignored my own feelings, in order to make others happy and comfortable. Today, I regret having made that decision. I tried therapy with my husband it did not work, we can't talk anymore, and I can't stand his touch any more. I love the man I am having an affair with, and I will leave my husband, not for my lover, but for the sake of my old broken heart. I want to be with my lover.”

“I do not agree with you saying that a married woman having an affair with another man has no integrity. I am a married woman and am in love with another man and he is in love with me. He respects me and treats me like I want to be treated. My husband and I don't have a marriage; all we have is a piece of paper keeping us legally bound. There is no love between us and we do not have sex. I am getting a divorce for myself. It has nothing to do with the other man. I stayed in the marriage for 23 years for the sake of the kids. It did more harm than good staying for that reason. What's wrong with finding true love? My husband cheated on me and it tore my heart out. Ever since, our marriage has never been the same. I can't help it if I fell in love with a man that is good to me and good for me.”

The striking similarity between this woman’s situation and Anya’s called out to me, and I began to tear up for the simple reason her words validated all of what I was fighting for Anya to have. As it gave me relief to know I was fighting for the right thing; Anya’s future well-being. A woman didn’t need to be physically abused, in fact psychological abuse was worse because at least the physical pain had a chance of going away. I then found another article written by a man caught in my same position and it hit me square in the gut as it captured the loneliness I felt in complete painful detail along with Mitch’s constant message to me.

“Your weekends will be wasted as will vacations because whilst you are alone waiting at home for the phone to ring, they will be at social functions and parties and all kinds of domestic events that you would die to have but are never afforded the opportunity of having. The thing is your entire relationship is already founded on deceit. And if they can do it to their husband they can also do it to you. And they will. Eventually! They must leave not for you but for their own reasons. If they leave for you, you will be held silently accountable in future every time life is not perfect. And for all you know, they may always be looking backwards with a half-glance and all that they left behind. If children are involved in the marriage then you are contributing to destroy it and with it, the children's stability. Walk away as fast as possible in the opposite direction and keep walking. Never fool yourself here, dating a married person is a complete waste of time. You will be nothing more than light relief to something far more serious in the shaky marriage. You are falling in love with someone you cannot have, you are second best most of the time and you will be extremely lonely. Most of the evenings will not be with your loved one so your relationship cannot grow.”

“A married lover simply wants to sit on the fence and never make a decision. They want their cake and eat it too. Finally, they will see you as part of the turmoil of their life and they will ditch you. Let us hope that you have the wisdom to walk away and not look back.”

This was a tough read but I just couldn’t accept it all to be true, however it did open my eyes to the possibility for the first time I could be ditched; abandoned with all my feelings. Through both articles, I had a noble argument for what I fought for and a fair argument for throwing in the towel, but I also felt our situation was different than described in the second article. My love for Anya was not for kicks on a Saturday night which I believed most extramarital relationships were predicated on as she knew I was in this for nothing less than to marry her one day. However, it made me cognizant of the way it could end, especially the part I could be blamed for the turmoil in her life without any consideration for the true cause of the disorder; that the true problem existed where she was and in the person she married, not where she wanted to come to and the person she belonged with.

When the morning came after a night of dread and contemplation, Anya text me something that put my worried mind to rest.

7:42 a.m.

“Good morning! I changed my mind. I want my ashes to be spread out on “our beach”. Care to join me?”

ME: “Care to join u? I would be honored to. I missed u last night.”

ANYA: “Cool! I missed u last night too! Well we’re all meeting at Debbie’s at 5 p.m. for a spill. We’ll leave around 6. I love you.”

ME: “Sounds like fun! I love you too.”

ANYA: “Babe, I miss u. Do you have to work on Saturday? Can I come see u? R u free?”

ME: “I’m always free for u. Would love to see you.”

ANYA: “K, will be in the morning but not sure what time yet.”

ME: “No rush. Any time works.”

All morning I couldn’t stop thinking about how beautiful she looked on Wednesday and the way she looked at me like never before. Now the most beautiful woman in my eyes hit me with the most beautiful thought as the fear of losing her became magnified greater than ever before. I didn’t want to lose that. I didn’t want to lose that love in her eyes. The only thing that made me feel worthy of the life around me, and the only time I ever felt I truly belonged here.

Her ears probably rang later that afternoon before she text me.

1:28 p.m.

“Hi!”

ME: “Hi! What r u up to?”

ANYA: “Busy! Working on Bat mitzvah stuff! How r u?”

ME: “I’m good. I just can’t get off my mind how beautiful you looked yesterday! I miss you.”

ANYA: “I miss you too. U keep saying that. I keep blushing. I don’t think I look any different. I’m curious. With or without clothes?”

ME: “Just in the way your eyes met mine. I’ve never seen you look at me that way before.”

ANYA: “Every time is a different experience. I love when our eyes meet.”

ME: “With or without clothes your beauty is constant. I felt so much love from you yesterday just from looking into your eyes. I swear I saw your soul.”

ANYA: “Really? My eyes are dark but you can see right thru me via my eyes. I’ve been told that by friends before. What you saw was a girl madly in love with a man!”

ME: “I was really caught off guard by it and blown away. Ur eyes speak to me every time I look at u or talk to u. You have a way of talking to me through them. It makes them and you very beautiful. I could respond “I love you too” just by looking into your eyes without you saying a word. To further answer your question, every part of you, interior and exterior is beautiful to me. The interior though is what I saw yesterday that made you look more beautiful than ever. A part no one gets to see but me.”

ANYA: “You could definitely talk to me with your eyes! Your eyes are the window to your soul! Not to mention how beautiful they are! Could feel your love when I look into them! Xoxo!”

ME: “I think you need to know this. When my eyes are open they look for you. When they are closed they dream of you, but having you in my eyes is the only thing that makes them beautiful.”

ANYA: “Aww babe. This is why our connection is so special. That’s beautiful. I love you.”

When we began our text messages on this afternoon, I didn’t expect to be transported to the beauty of yesterday, but so glad I went back there. Humility and graciousness filled me to know she felt the same way whenever her eyes fell into mine as I made a conscious effort to pour my heart and soul into her over the past week.

10:51 p.m.

“Loved our texts today. Goodnight. I love you.”

We shared one of our most romantic textchanges yet as my only regret was being unable to tell her in person, but little did I know I’d soon get the opportunity to do so.

On this day we exchanged close to forty text messages, but the following day we exchanged only ten; an unusually quiet twenty four hours from her. I then got a text from her later that evening that simply read;

9:18 p.m.

“Goodnight u!”

I hadn’t heard from her much the entire day, but when I did, she didn’t refer to me as “babe”, or “baby”, or “love”, just “u”. I’ve used that phase before to people I either didn’t have feelings for or I just didn’t know. I hated to over think, but taken into consideration what I read on the internet, the negative reception I received from her on Tuesday mixed in with this sudden loud emptiness I felt, prodded me. Especially when I thought of how silent and still my usually lively phone had been on this day.

The next morning before her visit, her inconsistent behavior and indifference greeted me as all I feared precariously bordered fruition even as I held the belief she would find a way for us to be together; somehow, someway, someday.

7:15 a.m.

“Good morning. R u there?”

I know this sounds crazy, but if anyone ever found themselves in a situation such as this, you start to pay attention to details brought forth by the war between your heart and mind. I noticed two strange things in her text on a visit day from her; no exclamation point after “morning”, and an “r u there?”, two text anomalies, an extension from the “u” the night before. I pushed through with reason though and considered maybe her husband had confronted her as I needed to remain sensitive to her situation even amidst the sudden pang I felt in my heart.

ME: “Good morning. I’m here. Is everything okay?”

ANYA: “Still unsettled. We need to talk. Can I come over at around 9:45ish?”

ME: “Absolutely. See you then.”

ANYA: “K. C u then.”

I didn’t know what to expect as all I could do was prepare for the worst. When she arrived late, eleven minutes to be exact, she stayed consistent with her inconsistency since last evening.

9:56 a.m.

“Here”

It was the first time I ever dreaded a “here” text from her as I walked slowly to the gate to delay the inevitable. When her eyes met mine, for a woman who was unsettled, she looked as beautiful as any time she ever visited me before, dressed in a flowered purple blouse and white jeans. She snatched my hand slowly in hers as we headed toward our sanctuary of fate. On our stroll, I didn’t take notice of any colorful lively flowers, or the beauty in the sky above me as my eyes were solely on her and only in uncertainty. I then made small talk to keep things light until we reached my apartment. When we got inside and after I locked the door behind us, she came into my arms and stayed there longer than usual. When she finally brought herself to leave my embrace she looked into my eyes and told me the following.

“I’ve come to tell you I’m breaking up with you, Landyn.” she said. “Please don’t try to talk me out of it. I’ve made up my mind.”

I then came up to her and pressed my thumbs gently across her face to wipe away the tears that raced down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Sweetheart.” I said. “but your eyes tell me I have to.”