“Shed your light on me.
Be my eyes when I can’t see.
Shed your light on me.
Be my guide so I can see the bigger picture.”
~ “The Bigger Picture” Dream Theater
As my life stood before me while a stream of tears ran over my thumbs, I’ve never felt so much pain in my heart for another human being. Anya was not well, much like a leukemia patient who wanted to end their treatments but as the one who truly loved her, I had to fight for her not to give up hope.
“Please don’t. I’ve made up my mind. This is what I want.” she said as she slowly shook her head.
“I can’t let you do this. You even told me yourself you’d rather die than never have me in your life.” I countered. “Sweetheart, do you know how much you mean to me? Your being is integral to my own. Without you I’m lost; I’m no one.”
“Babe, I need to do this. Please understand. I need to do this.”
“But for who? For kids who don’t know your pain? For a husband who doesn’t truly know who you are? For friends and family who believe he truly loves you?” I argued. “Your tears tell me you’re doing this for others; not for you, and you know…you…you just matter too. You matter too! I can’t let you throw this away for other people who don’t know your struggle.”
“I have to leave you now, Landyn. There’s nothing you can say that can make me change my mind. I’ve made it up.” she reiterated. “I will always love you.”
“This isn’t a Bridges of Madison County situation. This wasn’t a three-day love affair. This is much deeper. Much different. This is eight months of the greatest love we’ve ever felt.” I said hopelessly. “Please don’t discard us. I will always love you too.”
“I’m not discarding us. This is the only way I can make this better right now.”
“Better for who though? I think you’re making a big mistake.” I said. “Only our relationship status changes if we break up; not all our feelings.”
“Please understand I need to do this right now. Please understand. I beg you.” she continued. “Please don’t hate me. I love you.”
I didn’t know what to say as my low self-esteem resurfaced to make her request more complicated. It felt like rejection to me, like it always had whenever my feelings were known as I didn’t know anything else. What twisted my thoughts even more was the fact she shared a bed with another man as I started to feel played for a fool. I put my heart and soul into this relationship, and it seemed just like every single time before, whenever I put myself out there, women get fearful and ran away from me. Now, even a woman who told me “I love you forever”, a woman who wanted her ashes to be placed at “our beach”, a woman who visited my place over twenty times, a woman who nonetheless initiated the entire relationship now wanted to break up with me? A woman who told me she wanted to run to me now wanted to run away from me? One thing was certain with all my confusing thoughts, the war between my heart and mind was now officially declared. The battle line drawn as my heart felt overwhelmed under the heavy onslaught of negative emotions.
It did my heart good to know her tears had stopped, but what was she trying to prove to herself? I was the second guy here, not the first so this relationship was a decision and not a mistake. As much as this pained me, and as much as the negative emotions continued to fill me, I had to understand her position or at least try to. If I didn’t empathize with her situation and tried to argue with a mind already made up, I feared I’d be wrong to do so and do more harm than good, perhaps even irreversibly. I had to give her credit as she came to do this in person and not over a text. I then let something strange inside my head, a stray positive thought like a newly formed galaxy, something absolutely foreign to me, self-confidence. A confidence I never had in myself before I met Anya that she blessed me with. The confidence to believe if she felt anything close to what I felt for her that my absence could only bring her back to me. At that point I decided to return to the state of mind I simply had to have; to trust in her love.
“Ok. I love you too.” I said as I brought her into my arms. “Always.”
Magnetically our lips met for possibly the final time as I felt her tears upon my face. She then began to lightly tug at my shirt as if she wanted me to take it off, and once I obliged her non-verbal request, she then removed her purple flowered blouse. I brought her body into mine to feel her bare skin and to inhale a sweet scent I could never get enough of as she began to rub her breasts soothingly against my chest as we stood there in my living room with the strength to stand there for hours. I wanted so badly to pick her up, to lay her on my couch and to remove her hot white jeans, to make love to her at the height of such great emotions, but I decided against it afraid of a greater sadness to follow. If she felt it was for the best, I had to listen to her, and if she loved me, if she ever truly did, then she would fight for us, the way I had done. The emotions at times strangled us like a python and left us in a state of paralysis unable to escape its coils. She needed to be there for her children right now, free of this paralysis, and I needed to do a better job of understanding that dynamic at home especially around her husband. When the time came, my partnership promotion would bring to light how all of this could work out. If Jackson were to figure things out right now, she would be inclined to stay, and that could very well be one of the reasons for her exit. I felt certain she didn’t want that even though my low self-esteem brought on mostly by fatigue, a lack of sleep and my past, questioned it at times, but I somehow had to find a way to see stars in the daylight.
We held each other for a half hour, and it was then I decided to make it easy on her. I didn’t mean to give her a fight, but I loved her, and I wanted the best for her. I then realized I needed to listen to her too, and put the fight on hold to keep any chance of love alive for both of us. When she left that day I did not know if this would be our last time together, but history had shown me when a girl made up their mind about me, they never came back. Only time would tell, but as we said our goodbyes after what could have been our final walk to the gate together, the final time I held her hand in mine, and quite possibly the final time I’d see her, I thought about all the things she ever told me from her heart, all the times she found herself lost in my eyes, all the times she came to visit me when it seemed an impossibility, all the tears she ever cried and I still held hope for us; The eternal hope I’d see her again.
I didn’t feel it was right for me to text her as I thought it best to honor her decision even with hope in my heart. For me to text her would be an act of disrespect toward her decision, and it’s the last thing I wanted to portray to her. She had already been disrespected enough by the man she married as I remembered the time my mother told me to not be like every other man out there; she already had one. If we were meant to be together, we would be together. I didn’t have an ego, I never assumed I was better than anyone else, but I did have pride after so much heartache in my past. It’s why I asked for brutal honesty in the beginning from her so I could protect my heart, but now brutal honesty could destroy me, and pride could easily get in the way of my message.
As for Anya, I didn’t expect to hear from her, and as much as it broke my heart when I thought about it, I understood. This was simply her show so I decided to let her run it. Two hours later though, the show she ran unexpectedly took the stage.
12:58 p.m.
“I can tell this is going to be very hard. I miss u very much and I feel sick. I’m angry at my situation. I hope ur ok. I will always love u.”
ME: “I’m ok. Please don’t worry about me. I will always love you, but I also will always want to be with you.”
ANYA: “I do worry about u. I want to be w/u too. If you would have me as a friend maybe we can get together now and then. Maybe too soon right now.”
The “friend” word didn’t set too well with me as I felt demoted, and after all the love we shared it was hard for me to grasp. Lance the romantic singer was also now a “friend” too as it left me to wonder if he suffered the same fate. After eight months, after all we shared, I didn’t appreciate the label; it made me feel used. I tried to douse the negative fire inside me for the sake of my being wrong once again. The problem was I couldn’t be a good friend. I’d feel non-authentic and would always want more. I decided not to respond to her text because I simply couldn’t, but she sent me another one a couple of hours later.
3:03 p.m.
“Just know I will never be with another man. I will never kiss another man. I will never love another man like I love u. This I promise forever.”
I hated that she was married to another man, especially him of all people, and seemed to be okay with it after all we shared; after she allowed me into her life. I honestly would rather her meet another man because at least I’d know she found happiness, I came into something considered beyond repair, and my time wasn’t wasted although I strongly felt I should have been that man simply because I made her a better person. I couldn’t believe she would even consider staying with him after all she told me, after all we shared. If she stayed I don’t know how she’d be able to apply her makeup because how could she honestly be able to look at herself in the mirror? I was the second man here, not the first. This wasn’t about revenge, was it? I began to fear she believed money did indeed lead to happiness, and she chose to stay with her abuser as the money blinded and even numbed her to his abuse. She could tell me all these sweet things, but she was with another man already; one she promised to leave if she fell in love with me. I wasn’t completely convinced she was still there after being cheated on several times for nothing less than the money. Even though I knew her words came from a good place in her heart, I would never be around to know if she kept such a promise if she stayed as sadly I couldn’t trust in her promises because they lacked transparency. This statement almost felt like she still loved her husband albeit in a different way, as the demons from my past began to talk to me once again.
I couldn’t respond to her texts. I didn’t want my responses to come out as if they were about my feelings as I tried to honor her decision without breaking down. I didn’t want to hurt her or discourage her from what she attempted to do, but later that evening she revealed her struggle.
7:26 p.m.
“Hi. Cried all day. Can’t move. Feel so empty and depressed. I canceled my plans for tonight and home alone. I think the worst is yet to come. Please tell me ur ok.”
ME: “I’m ok. I feel the same. I fear the worst is yet to come too.”
ANYA: “I’m so sorry. My heart is broken. Ur love is such a gift. Having had that will carry me thru. I’m a better person because of you. I miss u like I’ve never missed before.”
I didn’t know how to respond other than to let her know I missed her like no one else before as well. The fact she was a better person because of me validated every reason why I felt this was all a mistake and she should no longer be with her husband.
7:58 p.m.
“I didn’t pick my marriage over you. There’s no marriage. I know I’ve said it before but it’s hard to understand a mom’s sacrifice. I really did want to be with you.”
In a span of just a few hours it went from “I want to be with you” to “I really did want to be with you.”, and I didn’t know what to believe anymore as her mind seemed to change with every passing hour. I understood a mother’s sacrifice because I knew my own mother’s sacrifice, but I just didn’t understand this particular mother’s sacrifice as it represented a lie more than the truth. Her marriage carried no trust only deception, and I didn’t understand it for the life of me why she felt it was one worthy of sacrifice. It appeared the message to her children was as long as someone provides for you, although they emotionally abuse and exert financial control over you, that you should always stay committed to them even though they can never be trusted to remain committed to you. I could understand her position if I hadn’t been in her life but I didn’t understand it now. It made absolutely zero sense to me because of the nature of our relationship, and just like the woman wrote in the internet article I found, I felt it would do more harm than good in the end, but at the same time I had to let her figure it out on her own because I had now become emotionally distraught and my message would come out wrong. I had to respect Anya was entitled to feel all what she did, although I wholly disagreed with it.
ME: “How did I make u a better person?”
ANYA: “U woke up my inner self. My heart is full of love, something I haven’t had in years. I can smell the roses again. I appreciate the little details of life. I’ve realized I’ve been dead inside. I can now continue to raise my kids and move forward with great appreciation. I don’t take things for granted anymore.”
As I read her text, I was genuinely happy I made a positive difference in her life, but when I read she could now continue to raise her kids, move forward with great appreciation, and that she didn’t take things for granted anymore; I never felt more used by someone in my life. It’s not like I wanted anything less for her in life as I came into it to heal her and to make her into a better person but isn’t that the kind of man every woman should be with? I couldn’t believe what I read, and in my silence, she pressed on even further.
ANYA: “I saw the world differently this time on top of the Empire State Building. With your love in my heart I was actually able to see the beauty of the city. It’s like a blind person that was given a chance to see again all b/c of u. That’s how I’m better.”
Her second text was a little more of what I wanted to hear, but I was still unsettled by her last text. The goal was for her to leave, not to stay and if she did I failed her. I told her in the very beginning of our relationship, I didn’t want to fill a void and her statements seemed to confirm that’s exactly what I did as I could no longer stop myself from pretending I was perfectly fine with this.
ME: “I put my heart and soul on the line for you to be with you, not to fill a void in your life. Glad to be of service.”
Her response made me feel like I was used for a feeling, and to feel this kind of love then be discarded didn’t feel like love to me at all. For the second time in our relationship, I felt the subtle difference between being “in” love and just merely loving someone as it even felt like her feelings changed for me and I didn’t appreciate it after I exposed my heart and soul to her. I loved her deeply now and I felt it wasn’t fair to abandon me with all I felt. I could never dream of doing something like this to her as I believed love always caught the ones who fell and didn’t let someone go under any circumstances. I then began to lose sight of the bigger picture in front of us along with the three things no one should ever give up on in life as Anya responded with indifference.
ANYA: “I gave u my heart. I gave it all. I put my heart and soul on the line too. I really wanted us. If ur blaming me for taking a chance don’t know what to say to u.”
ME: “I don’t think anyone should take a chance with another person’s heart in play. I trusted your unhappiness so I gave you a chance to have it, but now I feel like all I did was fill a void in your marriage after I let you know this is why I walked away the first time. I feel like you even used me to build up your self-esteem. Now you’re filled up with love again which is good, it’s what I want you to be, but only one of us is left to feel that way, and I don’t feel the “love” in that. I didn’t want to fill you with love so you could find the strength to stay in your marriage but to leave it behind and that’s what this feels like to me. After all you’ve told me, are you really hurting at all?”
ANYA: “If u think I’m not hurting just as much if not more you’re wrong! I love u to death! I’m dying inside. I can’t make this better except to say I’m leaving right now. I felt like I was pushed to make a decision. I’m not ready to talk to my kids. I didn’t want to keep u waiting and hurting w/o a definite promise.”
Her text communication at times took me aback, and these were one of those times as I realized my response, based mostly on a hard luck past, put me in the wrong. Her text grabbed me by the throat as I felt the pain in her words; she felt pushed to make a decision. A decision she wanted to make, but just couldn’t at this time. It made me take a step back to see how I couldn’t let my past failures with women, even one who loved me then left me, hurt her. It was as if my thoughts were made of knives and whenever I spoke to her, she could be cut by them, but I had to take these knives out of my severed heart at the same time. After this text was sent to me, I felt convinced this was something she didn’t want to do but felt she had to, and for me to feel the way I did was wrong, but I missed her to death. She had two kids who were her everything, but she was my everything. I had never felt more awful about anything I communicated to her before as I regretted this exchange, but at the same time, I wouldn’t have learned this if I hadn’t been honest about the way I felt.
Before I could apologize to her, she drove her point further home.
ANYA: “If I could take all ur pain, I would. I’m deeply sorry. Ur very angry w/me and I think we should stop communicating until you stop hating me for what I’ve done. I did it b/c I love you. I LOVE YOU. Ur a fool if u think I came out smelling like roses! U did not build up my self-esteem. I did. The last 7 months were the best months. I’m broken too.”
ME: “I’m sorry babe, but a woman who loves me forever is leaving me, and that’s a tough thing for me to understand when the last 7 months were the best months of my entire life. To lose that is very hard because you’re everything to me. You’re more than just a special person in my life, you are my life.”
ANYA: “The last 7 months were the best months of my entire life too. I was the happiest. How could I not hurt?”
Her words helped smooth over my past low self-esteem issues for the moment, a first in my life through such an emotionally devastating event. I hated to lose her this way as it felt I not only let her down but also failed her, and it left me angry with only one person; myself.
ANYA: “I love you with all my heart and soul. I meant what I said about my ashes. If we don’t end up together I will have my ashes scattered on “our beach”. I will put it in my will. This I promise forever.”
When she mentioned she’d still have her ashes scattered on “our beach”, even if we were never together, it left me stunned, but her statement also gave me hope we could work things out one day. As beautiful as her thought was though, I didn’t feel right as it would only confuse her children in the end with her honesty only in death intentions.
ANYA: “I love you. I can’t make things up. You see right thru me. I mean what I say.”
ME: “I truly love you too. I hope you know that. You have the saved texts if you ever have any doubt.”
ANYA: “I know that b/c I feel the same way. I promise if things change u will be the only person I will run to. U can’t wait for me though. It will happen if meant to be.”
ME: “Ok. If we’re meant to be, we will. I’m holding you to that, and I want you to sprint! I love you forever.”
ANYA: “Ok I will sprint! I think so too, babe. I love you forever. Please have me as a friend. I want to keep in contact. I don’t want to lose u. You’re my best friend.”
ME: “I’ll always be here for you. You’re my best friend too.”
ANYA: “Thank you. That means a lot to me. I’ll always be here for you too. I will let you go. Goodnight my sweet Landyn. I love you forever.”
I went to bed that evening more alone than I ever felt, but at least I understood better why she felt she needed to do this as I felt responsible for it all. I had to be like a CD she burned for me, to let her put me in a player and control the play button, as I hoped the music she filled me with were soft and kind love songs.
I woke up the next morning to the dark reality the love of my life was gone. I knew I’d never again say I did not know love as I knew it intimately and as painfully as anyone could ever know it. I experienced how the magic of life disappeared while the beauty in life simultaneously disengaged itself to bring me into a less than dull existence than before I met her. I just laid on my side in bed and stared at the pillow next to me, at her side, almost always absent, but now truly so. All her smiles, all her warmth, all her laughs, and all her passion gone from my life. I only had her bra and CD’s to take her place and I kept them dear to my heart with high reverence as if they were my only worldly possessions because they simply were.
The length of time did not define the amount of love between two people; the amount of feelings invested in one another did that, and I was not one for portfolio diversification. The thing that hurt the most about Anya’s absence was the feeling she thought somehow I would return to a life of happiness as if it existed before I met her. She didn’t seem to understand the value of what she meant to me, and it’s the only thing that left me unsettled, but she was with a man who did not appreciate the value in her, even as great as she was in my eyes, so I couldn’t blame her. I just didn’t think like most men. I didn’t use women for sex, and I never cared to experience it other than with someone I loved which scared me about the sex she still had with him. I wanted her to know there could be no one else, but the one I loved, even if she left my life; never the divorcee, forever the widower, eternal soulmates.
From this point on I decided it best to no longer initiate texts. I had done so and they seemed to always get her at a bad time. The only way I could get her to listen to herself was to let her completely run the show, more than she already did. The truth was simply this; she pursued this relationship not me. All I did was put my trust in what she wanted and that she would never put me in a position to hurt her kids and feel the way I did. Based on what she told me about Jackson Caiaphas, she convinced me her marriage was beyond repair, but now I felt trapped under this great despair like a continental sheet of ice pulled swiftly underneath by a strong current as I hoped for a break. When she text me later that morning, it caught me by total surprise as I expected not to hear from her especially on a Sunday, a day mostly spent in the company of her kids.
10:21 a.m.
“I just wanted to say good morning and I miss u. Hope u got some rest, thank you for the tender ending of our evening. Have a nice day. I will always love u.”
ME: “I slept well, I hope ur ok. I miss u too. I will always love u. Don’t ever question it. Have a nice day too.”
ANYA: “I’m going to have to be ok. Going to put on my happy face for the kids today. I love u forever.”
After I returned her pleasantries, I suddenly felt less than alone. I wrestled with the idea to turn off my phone, but decided to just leave it in my room and hang out in my living room to write as the thought of a possible fun filled family day for her, events I did not have at my disposal but wish I had, left me greatly depressed. I wanted to get out of the house to possibly visit my parents, but I wasn’t in the mood to drive. I walked into my room two hours later to check on my phone but there were no new messages, the red light on my phone in hibernation. I then went back in the living room and sank into my couch, my face buried in a pillow. I didn’t cry though, I just felt numb with disbelief. I went back in my room an hour later to check on my phone as its now awakened red light called out to me.
2:01 p.m.
“Can I still text you? Can I still tell u I miss u? Can I still tell u I love u? Would that be too hard for u? Sorry I don’t know the proper protocol for a breakup.”
ME: “It wouldn’t be hard for me if you still wanted to, as long as you really want to and it doesn’t feel like an obligation.”
After I responded to her text then didn’t hear back from her, I decided to leave my apartment and head over to the nearby mall. As I noticed all the happy couples around me, I then began to tear up in public. After an hour passed when I realized I couldn’t predict my emotions, I decided to go home to try and sleep them away as I hoped to get lost in my dreams. When I woke up two hours later at around five, and completely out of it with a phone on my chest, I noticed its red text indicator light woke up with me.
The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.
5:12 p.m.
“I miss u. I love u.”
ME: “I miss u. I love u too.”
ANYA: “How r u?”
ME: “I’m ok, babe. Please don’t worry about me. How r u?”
ANYA: “I’m ok. I’ll always worry about you. I love you.”
What I came to learn over the course of our relationship was that it appeared every Sunday night she prepared family dinners which led me to believe I’d not hear from her for the rest of the evening. I took notice of this family activity when she told me one Sunday evening she took Katie’s phone away at the table because she was texting, and she felt ganged up on by her mother in law and husband for doing so. Based on a lack of Sunday evening texts in comparison to other evenings during the week I received, it just seemed Sunday evenings were dedicated family nights. On this particular family night however, little did I know I was going to find out all Anya went through on her end, how much I truly meant to her, and the real reason why she left me. It all started off unsuspectingly enough with a very hard to read text from her a couple of hours later.
7:12 p.m.
“I think I’m having a harder time than u. I can’t stop tearing up. I love you very much. I’m sorry for bugging you.”
ME: “Sweetheart, please don’t cry. I don’t want you to feel bad for what you felt was best for us. I don’t want you to think this is easy on me too. I feel like I’m disintegrating. I’ve taken several naps throughout the day so I don’t deal with the emotions. I tried to get out of my apartment but teared up in public and had to go back home. I haven’t eaten all day and I’m not hungry at all. I’m not telling you this so you can worry about me, I’ll be ok. I’m only telling you this because I want you to know what you mean to me. I just wanted you to know we’re still connected; always one person. I love you very much.”
After I sent her this text, I didn’t hear back from her. I then sent her another one just so she knew we were in this together.
ME: “You could never bug me and breaking up with me can’t change the way I feel about you. I’m here for you if you need me. I hope you’re ok.”
I didn’t hear back from her again until an hour after I sent this text, and when I did it highlighted all the reasons why I fought for her to leave.
8:34 p.m.
“I just broke down in front of my family. They don’t know why and I didn’t explain. I feel so lost. I’m sorry ur going thru this.”
As I read her text, I had a strong reason to suspect one person knew why she broke down in front of her family; Jackson Caiaphas. Instead of coming to the aid of his wife’s unhappiness, a sadness he created, he decided to break her down and watch her suffer instead just like any abuser would, even in the face of all their remorseless transgressions. I was more upset about her breakdown than her leaving me as I wanted to go to his home and announce myself in order to rescue her. Her poor children though, two innocent souls in all of this, would not only be confused but also devastated, the only thing that stopped my nobility in its tracks. When I read this text I began to dream of the day, for the first time ever, I’d get to talk with Jackson, man to man and face to face, to let him know the reason why I was in her life. If he was suspicious, it was for good reason as karma came in the form of Landyn Lastman for all the women he ever abused and the marriages he carelessly wrecked. To have the knowledge of all he did, and to watch his wife suffer, to bring her to the point of deception so he could keep his money and reputation in tact was beyond shameful. I never felt so helpless in my life than the moment after I read her text as this was the last thing I ever envisioned or wanted her to ever experience, but it also pleased me to know that her love could not be hidden because it was as real as the constant shaping of the universe.
ME: “Babe, I’m here for you. Please don’t be sad and breakdown. I’m not going anywhere. You’re my best friend. You’re the love of my life. I’m here. Please be strong.”
ANYA: “I know, thank u. It’s so hard. I so want to c u and hold u again. I can barely see my screen as I type b/c I can’t stop tearing up. I love u. Thank u for being there.”
The last thing I wanted was for her kids to see their mother in any pain as I felt like the cause of it all. I wanted her to know I was there for her, and I wasn’t upset with her. I misunderstood a lot of things and my low sense of self-worth got in the way because of my past, but my past was just that as I recognized how far I had come and grown too. I didn’t want her kids to find out about us, and I certainly didn’t want her husband to find out as I tried to find the words to make her feel better. Later that evening, she text me again.
9:37 p.m.
“I rented “Something’s Gotta Give.” Going to watch it now. Makes me feel closer to you.”
ME: “Finally you hold up your end of the bargain! Just kidding, babe! I think you’ll like it. Paris reminds me of us. Love that scene. How r u holding up?”
ANYA: “Its been two tough days and I’m grateful you’re not ignoring my texts. It’s comforting to know you’re on the other side. I love you.”
ME: “I would never in a million years ignore your texts. I love you too. Call me weird but I really love that movie. I hope you do too.”
ANYA: “If ur weird I guess I’m weird b/c we’re one. I know I’ll love it! I love you forever! Good night my love.”
ME: “No matter what, we will always be one. I love you forever too. Goodnight.”
ANYA: “Always baby.”
On my quest for true love, the strangest of all things happened to me, and it shattered all my prior beliefs in it as Anya showed sometimes you have to risk losing someone to show them how much you love them. With my low self-esteem issues now pushed aside, my heart soundly defeated my mind in this particular battle, as I felt her love for me greater than ever before. The only thing that broke my heart was she suffered greatly, more than ever before too. What I came to learn was this sweet woman’s greatest weakness, just like my own, was being a people pleaser, but an extreme one. She put herself last for everyone else for years until she met Lance, but although she put herself on the backburner for the sake of other people’s happiness, there was one problem; she was truly the one in dire need and in the greatest pain. She didn’t want to break up with me; I became a need in her life, and was definitely on her Maslow’s hierarchy of need, and it upset me to conclude I didn’t see this at first because of my past. The parade leader, Jackson Caiaphas, took it all in stride though even after he committed a great crime in their family yet determined to come out unscathed while the one he abused took the blame for everything. It broke my heart to hear she broke down in front of her family, but it proved my argument if her well-being wasn’t intact, if she was unhappy, it could be reflected on her children. A part of me was glad they witnessed her struggle because this is why I fought for her, not to break up a family. They needed to know her sacrifice in some way, and it was a great one; one I found bothersome they didn’t know, but I also understood why they couldn’t. Most importantly, it showed me Anya was indeed a bad actress, and I loved that honest side about her more than anything as I pinned our hopes on her authenticity. After she broke down in front of the kids, I made up my mind to fight harder for her; to really challenge her to have a love in her life she could trust in because I knew it would last long after her ashes were strewn upon “our beach”. We were now each other’s ecosystem; one heartbeat and one hope. To ignore her anguish would be like ignoring a child or a helpless animal drowning in a moving river as they clung to a rock to avoid the waterfall’s certain finality. I had to get on solid ground to save her though as I was in the water with her, and near solid footing, but not quite on it enough to pull her in. That’s what love does though, it doesn’t just try; it does as her breakdown provided me with some of the solid footing I needed to save her. After a heart breaking day for both of us, I felt more secure about her love for me as I vowed to fight my past and bring her back home to me where she truly belonged.
The emotional weekend left me too unfocused to work so I called in sick on Monday morning, and it was a good thing I did as Anya text me throughout the day.
10:15 a.m.
“Barely got out of bed to take the kids to camp this morning. So unlike me. I can’t seem to get it together. Btw I loved the movie! Paris! How r u?”
ME: “I’m sorry to hear that. I’m ok, Sweetheart. I’m happy to hear you loved the movie! I love the scene when he shows up to see her in Paris. Clean shaven with the Eiffel Tower in the background. Such a fun scene. Have you talked to Debbie or Carolyn?”
ANYA: “That was a great moment in the movie! I told Carolyn and Debbie about us. They feel bad. They hope you’re ok. I told them about my ashes. Carolyn wants me to tell her and Debbie the location. They will make sure my wishes will be carried out at “our beach”. I don’t remember the exact location so I would have to drive them there if that’s ok with you.”
ME: “The name of the location is Abalone Cove. It’s in Palos Verdes. I think it’s easy to find as long as you have the name although the trail to get down to the beach is a little adventurous.”
ANYA: “Carolyn keeps saying “u never know…” but just in case I will tell her where. I hope ur ok. I think I’m making it difficult by texting u. Am I right?”
ME: “I love the way Carolyn thinks! I agree with her. No, I think it would hurt me more if u stopped texting me.”
ANYA: “K baby. Thank u.”
ME: “Do you think Carolyn is right when she says “U never know”?”
ANYA: “Yes, I absolutely do. Even if we don’t end up together and u change ur mind b/c u fell in love with someone else. I will leave a long note for them w/my reasons why.”
ME: “You would still have your ashes put at “our beach” even if I fell in love w/someone else?”
ANYA: “Yes. That’s how much you mean to me. That’s how much I think you’re my soulmate. That’s how much I love you.”
ME: “I wouldn’t feel right about that. What if I wasn’t there with you? I also couldn’t let you do that to your children. They would be really confused by it, babe.”
ANYA: “I don’t care.”
Once you meet your soulmate, you’re certain from that point on who you’re meant to give your soul to as I connected with Anya on a level unparalleled and knew my assigned purpose to carry out in my life. I didn’t know how to respond to her text of indifference, but as sure as the earth knew it would feel the sun’s warmth, I knew I’d never truly fall in love again.
ME: “I believe there is hope for us one day. I believe in our love today more than ever. I miss you and I love you.”
ANYA: “I believe in our love too. This may not be the right time for us but I will not give up hope. This I promise. I miss you and love you too.”
She text me later that evening with a consistent message and all I needed for her to believe in right now.
ANYA: “One day. I miss u.”
ME: “One beautiful day. I miss u too.”
ANYA: “Can I still text u goodnight?”
ME: “As long as you want to. I’m so used to your goodnight texts; it would be harder for me if you stopped. I wish we could just go back to “our beach” and hold each other again. I love you very much.”
ANYA: “I’m so torn baby u don’t even know. Thank you. I love you very much too. Abalone Cove…”
ME: “I really want to be with you, babe. I’m not giving up on us.”
ANYA: “I feel the same but what do I do? My children…”
ME: “I truly believe everything will work out for the best, and will work out better than you think it will, but I respect and understand your concerns. If it’s meant to be, it will be. I miss everything about you. You’re so much fun to be around.”
ANYA: “I miss joking and laughing w/u. We always have fun together. It’s comforting to know u r there. I miss u dearly. I told Debbie the name of “our beach” tonight and she made a note of it. I love you forever.”
ME: “I believe anything can happen. I love you forever.”
ANYA: “Yes, anything can happen and I won’t give up hope. Like u said if it was meant to be it was meant to be. Goodnight sweets.”
Since the “break-up” the frequency of texts we exchanged increased substantially than even when we were together, as it seemed it took her leaving for me to know how much I meant to her. The next morning, we exchanged the usual pleasantries, as I tried my best to concentrate on work after my day off. I felt it imperative to begin my search for clients who could possibly replace Jackson Caiaphas if we lost his business. I gave calls to many of my banking contacts, even ones from out of state I had developed relationships with over the years. Most of our clients came from bankers we had relationships with. Whenever a bank loaned money to a business, they usually asked the business to have their financial statements audited or at least reviewed to receive loan approval. Audits generally provided more assurance than reviews did for the banks, and therefore brought in more revenue for the audit firm. If I could prove to Clyde I was capable of bringing in more audit business beyond CPG, Clyde would be more inclined to let Jackson Caiaphas go without a fight. Although I truly felt he would rather lose Jackson’s business than me, especially if he knew the truth about my relationship with Anya, I didn’t feel right about possibly losing a big client without something to take its place as my future earnings would also be affected as a result.
When the day came to its merciful end for me, Anya text me just before I left the office.
5:34 p.m.
“Missing u.”
ME: “Missing u too, babe. How r u?”
ANYA: “I’m organizing my kids school stuff and their drawers. Fun stuff huh? What r u doing? Sorry I’m not being fair. I have no self-restraint. I try to give you space but can’t help it!”
ME: “I bet you’re going to feel better once you get it done! I don’t need space babe. I’m always happy to hear from you. Good to know you miss me.”
ANYA: “I’m always missing you my friend. What r u up to?”
After a long day of dreadful audit work I was mentally drained, and whenever fatigue set in so did my low self-esteem as it found a nice place to roost inside the cold comfort of the “friend zone”. I didn’t like the “F” word at all, not when I was used to the “L” word, and I found it a little sneaky to throw it in there as again I felt devalued, even manipulated. However, Anya sensed quickly I was unsettled when I failed to respond.
ANYA: “U ok?”
ME: “I’m ok. Are you ok?”
ANYA: “I’m fine baby. Keeping contact helps tho not sure if it’s the right thing to do. I don’t see why not as long as it’s not hard on you.”
ME: “I think I’d have a harder time if I never heard from you.”
ANYA: “I read the saved texts every day.”
ME: “Do you really?”
ANYA: “I do. Every day. I tear up everytime. Everytime I think of you I open up my saved texts.”
ME: “I’m glad you have them.”
As fatigue further nestled within, so did my negative thoughts as they began to churn once again like a tropical storm into a hurricane. I felt she tried to turn me into a friend and not her lover by once again indirectly suggesting no contact, much like a game Denise used to play. In this new storm, I started to consider the manipulative nature behind this transformation as I even began to wonder if conversations she had with Carolyn and Debbie were about how it could be done with the least amount of damage without any consideration of how deeply in love I was with her and all the things they didn’t know. I again resuscitated the internal argument when you’re truly “in love” with someone you’d be willing to do anything to be with that person especially, I would hope, leave a man who had cheated on you several times. It’s the only reason why I laid my heart on the line for her after I initially walked away. I had to also consider not far from fiction was the fact I deeply loved someone who lived in a fantasy world while I wanted reality. Could it be after I sent her the saved texts she decided to run because I got too serious? Does someone who is “in love” with someone “forever” do that in any situation? In my anguish I began to give up hope as I strung a text together to send her that read…
“If you ever change your mind and do the right thing, in the process teaching your kids a valuable lesson in life that money does not buy happiness then you know all my wants. Every one of them I will want forever. Until then I have to go.”
but before I could blast it off, she intercepted it.
10:02 p.m.
“Goodnight u! Whatcha doin?”
ME: “Goodnight! I’m just working.”
ANYA: “Really? Things haven’t slowed down for you?”
ME: “They have. I’m just trying to stay ahead of the game.”
ANYA: “Guess what I’m doing?”
ME: “Listening to Buble?”
ANYA: “Close! Messing around with my music and playlist. It’s a sickness!”
ME: “We all need our tunes! I need them for the gym especially.”
ANYA: “Yep!!! Goodnight again babe! I love you! Thanks for staying in my life!”
After our exchange, I deleted the text draft I almost sent her. I just felt crushed. After all the love I gave her and all the nights I spent alone, this was my reward? To morph from her lover into just a friend? I didn’t know what to think as once again I felt bamboozled, but after I wished her a goodnight and hoped to sleep off the agony, she text me again.
10:18 p.m.
“I miss u like crazy. Do u think one day we could meet for a spill and hang? Do u think that would be too hard?”
I didn’t know how to interpret a “spill and a hang”, but it felt as if I had now been relegated to drinking buddy. I then began to wonder why it would be hard on me but not hard on her as it seemed our connection died and we were no longer on the same page. I felt not only demoted but even worse, rejected. After all we shared, all I was good for was a “spill and a hang” as if I was one of the girls? I found her suggestion hurtful as the only love I felt in it at all came from the perspective of a friend and not a lover.
ME: “As much as I would love to see you and as much as I miss you too, I don’t think meeting for a spill and a hang would be a good idea right now. I’m sorry.”
ANYA: “That’s ok. I understand. Sorry goodnight sweets.”
ME: “I want to see you but it would just be too hard. I’d want to kiss you. Hold you. I couldn’t do it. I’d feel like Lance, the romantic singer Just a friend. I’d feel fake. Unauthentic.”
ANYA: “Wow! What makes u think I wouldn’t want the same if I saw you? Never mind. I’m sorry. I just miss u that’s all.”
ME: “I’d love to see you. Maybe I’m out of line for feeling that way. I’m sorry.”
ANYA: “Maybe it is too much. Sorry I was wrong. It’s not fair. It’s not right. Just can’t help missing u.”
ME: “I think it’s very sweet of you to ask. I think I took it wrong. Let’s make plans to meet. I miss you too.”
ANYA: “Let me c babe. I’ll text u tomorrow. Goodnight again. Love u!”
I now felt awful about being so quick to turn down her offer to meet as once again I took things the wrong way. I hated to see her struggle and if it helped her disposition around her children then I had to be open to it. I was a genuine man though, and I didn’t want to pretend I was happy with my demotion, but if I believed in our love and in one day then I should have shut off my mind before it controlled my fingers. It was easy to get discouraged though by the “F” word, a place I found myself in often, the price for being the “nicest guy” as it brought me right back to my past when I wasn’t good enough for the women I cared for. She then sent me a text about a half hour later with second thoughts.
11:05 p.m.
“Sorry emotional again. I have to think about it. I don’t want to give u false hope when nothing has changed since Saturday. Ur answer about Lance tells me it’s too soon. Going to bed.”
I felt disconnected from my power source, as I lost my energy, my vibrancy, and my frequency all at once. More than anything I felt I had let her down with my negative feelings as love, stress and fatigue never mixed well together as I tried to salvage a meeting between us.
ME: “You have told me you believe in our love. Show me you believe in our love. Meet me 4 a spill. I’m ok w/o a definite promise right now. I miss you. I love you. I want to see you. Goodnight babe.”
I didn’t know what to expect in the morning, but I told myself I would respect it and not give her any grief. I had to convince myself no matter how well she appeared to be doing, she was also trying to put on a happy face for me otherwise she feared I’d pressure her into a decision again although I even knew it wasn’t the right time. I felt horrible for Anya because she had to contend with what other women had done to me in the past, and it wasn’t fair to her at all.
The next morning, she sent me a text that shook me up.
9:22 a.m.
“Today is the 30th babe.”
Anya sent me many texts over the last few days, but this particular one meant the most. It told me she never left me and we never really broke up as this was just a break for her to figure some things out. I felt disgusted with myself as I put her in this position and then made her feel even worse for just asking to see me because she missed me; I should be so lucky.
ME: “Happy 8 months babe.”
ANYA: “Happy 8 months baby. Ok I will try my best to meet you on Friday nite for a spill. Maestros in Costa Mesa around 5:30ish? Promise me not to make me cry?”
ME: “I’m sorry I ever made you cry. I promise I won’t. I would love to see you. I will be there. Please read my saved texts if it gets hard. I love you very much.”
ANYA: “I did last night. I will today. I love you very much. I’m sorry I’m putting u thru this. Ur my soulmate.”
ME: “I’m sorry I’m not making this easy on you either. No doubt you’re my soulmate too.”
I began to realize although she “broke” up with me, nothing changed especially her feelings which I feared did only because of my past. I felt awful about what I told her the previous night and once again, she came through for me like she always did. She even sent me a throwback text for good measure out of the blue that afternoon, if I ever doubted it.
1:07 p.m.
“I love you.”
The unannounced, unexpected, uninitiated “I love you” text always gave me so much life. It made me feel like I mattered; like I could accomplish anything I wanted in life. In fact, nothing I accomplished in business or life ever made me feel more alive or happier than when I received such a simple text from her. If I had a choice between a thousand dollars or to receive an “I love you” text from her, I would have chosen her text without a moment’s hesitation or thought. To have such a beautiful person send you such a beautiful gesture was the most beautiful thing in the world to me. She even sent it at a time, I didn’t truly deserve it as I was grateful she understood my heartache.
As this particular Wednesday trudged forward in the heat of July, I learned more about the reason for the break-up as I felt like the one who’s love should be doubted, but I had no idea how much Anya truly had on her plate with Katie’s bat mitzvah, summer camps for both her kids, and a heavy work load. She was behind on her work because of my emotional transgressions and overwhelmed by it all yet never mentioned a word to me or blamed me for it. As much as it pained me to understand, she did the right thing by pushing me aside because she really needed to be there for her kids right now. If I loved her and I did, I had to see things through her eyes. Now that I had a clearer picture of all she juggled, her reason for the break up took a clear shape. Katie’s bat mitzvah was a huge undertaking and with family involved she had to be “on” as she couldn’t give anyone the impression she was elsewhere. When I finally realized I was a major distraction, I put my selfishness aside, and once again tried to bury my past so I could give her the man she deserved me to be. Later that evening, when I told her I was journaling, we had a textversation that would stick with me forever.
10:50 p.m.
“How do you find enough material to write about?”
ME: “Mostly from life experiences, but I read the newspaper a lot and get ideas for stories from there as well.”
ANYA: “Do you still write about us?”
ME: “Of course, babe. All the time.”
ANYA: “I’m sure it hasn’t been pleasant since Saturday.”
ME: “Actually, I understand why you broke up with me, babe. It took a while but I totally get it. It’s just good to put my thoughts down to make sense of them all.”
ANYA: “I don’t keep a journal like you do, but wish I did. I have a lot on my mind.”
ME: “For fun, if you did keep a journal, what would be in it tonight? What’s on your mind?”
ANYA: “Lots. You, us, future, my kids, my life, work, security, etc but mostly us. I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. I wonder if I control my destiny. Just stuff.”
ME: “I think you do control your destiny, but I think you’ll figure it out when the time is right.”
ANYA: “If you were to write a book about us, what would u call it? Just for fun! Would it be a memoir or a fiction based on true experience?”
ME: “I think I’d call it “Beyond Forever”. Probably a combination of a memoir and fiction based on true experience. I don’t know if that’s been done before or not but I think it would be pretty cool.”
ANYA: “Hey catchy title! Specify though, would it be from your side or mine?”
ME: “I’d have to go with my first person point of view, even though a third person POV would be interesting as well because I could also show the reader your side of the story, but I’m an honest writer and think I would be fair to you if I wrote our story in the first person. What would you call it? How do you think it should be written?”
ANYA: “If it were me “Abalone Beach”. It would be typical and predictable but sweet. Fiction love story 4 sure! Leaves you feeling good!”
ME: “I love it! If it’s a best seller would you marry me?”
ANYA: “Ur funny! I think you already know the answer to that question even if it wasn’t a best seller!”
ME: “Thank God for that!”
ANYA: “U would definitely have to include the “saved texts”! Every woman out there would be taken by that!”
ME: “The saved texts were only meant for and to only be seen by one woman, babe.”
ANYA: “I love you.”
ME: “I love you too.”
ANYA: “We’re not acting like a couple that just broke up are we?”
ME: “How many couples break up who are still in love with each other?”
ANYA: “I don’t know.”
ME: “Although we’re “broken up”, we’re not broken up in our hearts.”
We exchanged roughly sixty texts on this day, and her last text was sent to me well after midnight. My heart truly broke for her, and when I thought about the grief I gave her I felt even worse. She didn’t deserve my past. She only deserved my present so she could have the future she deserved. I felt with my partnership promotion, the one I couldn’t share with her because of the non-disclosure agreement I signed, all her worries would be resolved if she just followed her destiny, the one she was in complete control of. The next day we exchanged about ten text messages but I was fine with it as I knew she needed to concentrate on getting things done at home so she could meet me on Friday evening.
When Friday arrived, she asked me if we could meet at five instead of five thirty because she had to watch her nephew all weekend and her nanny left at six thirty. The significance of her gesture was simply this; she never told me she wanted to spend an extra half hour with me, but instead showed me by her request to change the time as I felt the love in such a simple gesture and it breathed life into me. She then told me she was nervous so I promised to make it a “pinky swear” meeting, to keep things light which always made me feel better too. We decided to meet in the bar area, and since I lived only a half mile down the street from the restaurant I decided to walk there.
On my walk I unwittingly gazed upwards and noticed the late afternoon faded moon as it prepared for its appearance later in the night sky. A satellite always there, but now seen. It brought me back twenty-five years to my late afternoon games when I played youth baseball. Quite often when I took my position in the outfield, and even during the game, I’d get lost in it as its slow glow with every passing inning helped calm my nerves. I then remembered how carefree and happy those days were when I had no sense of responsibility and only a moon full of possibilities as it shone more brilliantly even as darkness surrounded it. As I looked up at this particular faint afternoon moon, I realized in an hour it would become more vibrant and stronger, it’s brilliance for all to see, and it reminded me to keep my eye on the bigger picture; that better things were on the horizon for Anya and I, even when our future appeared faded and dull right now, our love still held the promise of brilliance, just like the moon in a blue sky.
Unsure of how busy the place was at five, I decided to arrive at Maestros early to make sure we had seats next to each other at the bar. When I arrived, the place was dark yet divinely enchanting as I easily found two seats at the bar in the fairly empty restaurant. My first thought was “she must have been here before” as I felt even worse for the grief I gave her about meeting. The one thing I learned about Anya is that some of her most beautiful thoughts were rarely told to me, and usually only shown to me. I had grown to love her because I experienced her world, one she completely opened up to me, and it’s all I knew now, and all I ever cared to know; another reason why I struggled so mightily to cope with our breakup.
At five sharp, I saw a shadow gracefully show upon the entry way wall with a shape I instantly recognized. When she appeared before me in a black ruffled cocktail dress, I rose from my stool and nearly cried elated to be blessed by the presence of such beauty. Her hair hung down perfectly over her forehead as it complemented her eyes like a galaxy adorned with stars, and I knew by her dress this meeting was special to her, too. After a tight embrace, I thought it best to immediately escape the bar to an unreserved private candle lit table about twenty yards away. When the hostess showed us to our table in a very secluded area in the quiet dimly lit restaurant while some light jazz music played, I knew this meeting was designed by the universe.
As I waited for her to sit before I took my place next to her in the booth, we both couldn’t take our eyes off each other as our hostess seemed confused by it all, yet seemed to view it with appreciation. After she handed us our menus and told us a server would take our orders shortly, we respectfully put them to our faces until she left, but we already knew what we came here for. The soft shadows produced by the candle light against her sweet face electrified me inside as I grabbed her hand from under the table and began to caress it; a touch I needed to feel as if it was my own skin that had gone missing. She then began to tear up and I tried quickly to acknowledge them.
“Pinky swear babe.” I said as I held out my pinky aware of how much our touch meant to both of us. “Pinky swear.”
“I’m so sorry…I know.” she said as she wiped her eyes and met my pinky. “I’ve just missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you too.” I said as I rubbed her leg. “There’s not one thing I haven’t missed about you.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Of course you don’t.” I said with a smile to keep it light. “You broke up with me.”
She then started to smile as she turned shyly away, a smile captured within my heart because her tears began to stop; a healing power we had on each other.
“Thank you for meeting me here.” she said. “Do you remember when I text you from here when I lost my son to the Lakers game in the bar area?”
“Haha! I do remember that now. I thought you’ve been here before.” I said. “Thank you for having the courage to ask me to. You look so beautiful in your cocktail dress.”
“Thank you.” she said as she smiled and turned away once again.
“I need to ask you a question.” I said. “Face to face.”
“Ok.”
“Are you serious about your ashes?”
“Yes, I am.” she said as her eyes never left mine. “I promise.”
“I hope you understand the depth of my feelings for you. I’m not going to fall in love with anyone else.” I said. “You’re the love of my life, and my ashes will be there too.”
“But babe, I don’t want you to wait for me. If we’re meant to be, we’ll be meant to be.”
“I know, babe, but I know love too. I know what’s meant to be for me, if I can’t be with you; I will just continue to live without you. I didn’t come into your life to turn it upside down. I came into your life to make it right…to make it better, not to see you in pain or for you to end up being or feeling alone. I know how my heart works.”
Before she could respond the waiter appeared to take our order, but we weren’t hungry at all. Instead we each ordered a couple of Coronas and a salad as we only hungered for our company. For the next hour we took a lighter approach to our meeting and joked about Carolyn and Debbie getting lost on their drive to Palos Verdes with the urn that held her ashes probably somewhere in the back seat. She then told me she would never kiss another man passionately, as I trusted her words said face to face instead of through an electronic device, but again as sweet as it was, it lacked transparency. I told her about a comedian by the name of Jim Gaffigan who I watched recently on TV, and then performed his “Hot Pockets” sketch which brought her to tears with laughter. When our time together neared its end with the company too perfect, the place too beautiful, but our situation too precarious, we both seemed downcast. I hated to see her leave and I could tell she felt the same as we both had no idea if or when we’d see each other again. As she rose to leave, I stood up and gave her a long soft hug. She then told me I should finish my Corona before I left which made me sad as it was too hard on her to have me walk her to her car, but I obliged out of respect for her feelings. I then watched her familiar shadow once again cast upon the same wall but this time away from me as it slowly disappeared like a collapsed star; a black mass in the pit of my stomach that digested me fully.