“We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.”

~ Konstantin Jirecek

Two hours later after I drove home and was able to recharge my phone, I called Anya back but she didn’t pick up. I left a message to let her know if she needed to talk she could call me back regardless of the hour. Throughout the night, I tussled with a bed I could not find any comfort in, consumed by the sound of her tears, ones I could not see but would forever feel. The depth of her sadness pierced my very soul as I felt her longing for us greater than ever, a longing that gave me all the right in the world to fight for, even as her family posed another obstacle I never could have foreseen. If there was ever a night I wished we could fall asleep together, this was the night. The next morning, I texted her to again apologize for my phone.

9:58 a.m.

“Good morning! It’s ok. Thank you for the message. I was sad when it happened but was able to sleep right away. All the emotions wiped me out.”

ME: “I’m happy to hear you got some sleep. That was hard on me last night to hear your pain last night. How are you feeling now?”

ANYA: “I’m good this morning. I heard my mom was shaking her thing out on the dance floor last night. The words my cousin used were “the music was inside of her”. Scary.”

ME: “I couldn’t imagine my mom dancing at a wedding either. It would actually be pretty traumatic to witness. I could be in therapy for years.”

ANYA: “Ha! So hard to imagine! My mom is very conservative. I miss u babe.”

ME: “I miss u too, babe. I feel even more closer to you after last night. Just wish I could have been there to hold you, kiss you…to let you know you’re going to be ok.”

ANYA: “It’s amazing how much we connect after we talk on the phone. I’m so in love with you.”

ME: “It ripped my heart out last night when my phone died. Everything you’ve ever said to me has so much meaning, but last night more than ever. I hated to leave you with all those words you needed to tell me, babe. It murdered me inside.”

ANYA: “I love that u think what I say is important though sometimes insignificant. It was sad, but I didn’t feel the pain because I went right to sleep.”

ME: “I’m glad you didn’t feel too much pain, babe. We are truly connected in every way emotionally.”

ANYA: “Yes we are. I swear sometimes I feel like I’m living a romance novel.”

ME: “I think true love should feel that way.”

ANYA: “I’m having the time of my life with you in my life!”

Her last text left me feeling extremely light. To imagine all the times, she shared with someone else, yet the time she shared with me she considered to be “the time of her life”. We both went through a lot emotionally on a daily basis, her grief last night giving me a glimpse into what she felt too, and for her to feel that way made the sacrifices I made worthwhile.

This day represented a travel day home for her as I decided to let her go so she could pack and maximize the time she could spend with her family. She texted me before she boarded to inform me her mom was still feeding her like crazy and how she believed if her mom ever found out she missed a meal she would had her admitted to the UCLA eating disorder unit. Not to fret though, her mother wouldn’t allow that to happen as she cleaned up all the remaining beautifully packaged cookies and chocolates left on the tables at the receptions and stashed them in her bag, something I remember my mom was notorious for doing after weddings if any extras remained.

Before her flight took off that evening, I received a text I didn’t expect to see from her.

6:48 p.m.

“Light baby.”

ME: “You’ve done the impossible.”

ANYA: “What did I do?”

ME: “You’ve made me fall in love with the rain.”

ANYA: “I love you forever, Landyn.”

ME: “I love you forever.”

ANYA: “I was just getting ready to turn off my phone. On the plane taking off in 5. Looking out the window thinking of you.”

And that was the last time I heard from her until her plane touched the runway back in California.

10:18 p.m.

“I just landed. Can you call me.”

“Hi babe!” she said excitedly as she answered the phone when I called.

“Welcome home, Beautiful!” I responded.

“I’m so happy to be home. I couldn’t wait to be back here.”

“I’m happy you’re back.”

I don’t know why it made me sad to hear she was happy to be back home since we could talk more when she wasn’t at home, but I quickly realized she missed her kids, a dynamic my mind would forget from time to time, but still saddened she wasn’t driving back home from the airport to me, but rather home to someone else.

After our short phone conversation just to hear each other’s voices, I went to bed that evening with the realization after her trip I was up against another unforeseen obstacle; her culture. A culture that promoted women and men to marry well regardless of if they end up unwell. A cultural philosophy I couldn’t disagree more with. Maybe it was an obstacle she never foresaw as well, but regardless I felt she had to know the cultural philosophy for staying put in rich but abusive marriages as it was another reason why she was still there. To allow me to fall deeply in love with her, even with knowing her aunt’s motto to “marry well”, was disconcerting to me as it lacked a sense of empathy for my feelings and emotions. As if every man was just like Jackson. As if Jackson was by all means, normal. Then to further hear she didn’t think she had the courage to leave her marriage, further confounded me since she demonstrated the courage to pursue a full blown relationship with me over the last ten months.

Without trust, there could be no love between us, and that’s what I did; I trusted and believed in her love. So much over the last ten months I believed there was no way she could ever hurt me intentionally as I felt when the time came, she would do the right thing. That her endless tears she cried over the weekend told me she didn’t have the heart to hurt me. Not the man she loved. Not the man who honored her. Not the man who only wanted to see her happy.

The next day was a quiet day from her. I didn’t hear from her in the morning and although it naturally saddened me, I also understood it was a day she had to get back in the swing of things so her silence wasn’t unexpected. I never wanted to bother her on Monday mornings after time away from her kids because she needed to be there, fully focused on them.

Somehow though. Some way. A way all her own I knew she would let me know I was on her mind.

12:27 p.m.

“I miss you.”

Just like that. A simple text melted away my sadness. All I needed to finish out the rest of my day. Heart and mind secured.

After I text her to inform me of my mutual sentiment, she elaborated on her morning disappearance.

12:47 p.m.

“Catching up! Busy week for me. How’s urs?”

ME: “Busy week as well. Filing fifty-five hundreds for the 401k’s up until next week. Day is going good so far but stressed out because of all the filing deadlines. Take care of yourself over there for me.”

ANYA: “Thank you! U too! I looooooooove you!”

ME: “There’s isn’t enough character spaces on my phone to capture all the ‘o’ s in “I love you” babe for me!”

ANYA: “Awww….text me later baby!”

ME: “Okay Beautiful, chat later!”

ANYA: “Xoxo! Sorry separation anxiety. Can’t let go! We can just say “bye” all day!”

ME: “No joke! We really could! Xoxoxoxoxoxo!”

ANYA: “I know it! It’s crazy I tell ya! Ok, I’ll be a big girl and say bye for now. Better get back but it doesn’t mean I’ll stop thinking of u! Kisses!”

ME: “Kisses!”

Per her request, I texted her as soon as I left work at five thirty-eight. Nearly two hours later I received a response.

7:45 p.m.

“Sorry out to dinner w/the kids.”

Or with Jackson?

8:21 p.m.

“Have a goodnight sweets. I love you.”

By the end of the night, be it the stress I felt as well, I felt abandoned. Abandoned with a ton of feelings for her on this night. Maybe I shouldn’t have felt the way I did, but I couldn’t deny the fact I felt that way. Was my only purpose in her life, and the only reason she loved me, was because I brought “color” into her life? She told me ten months ago the only reason she was still there was because Lance left her. Because she had kids and no one would be there for her if she left. Here I was, with open arms as wide as the universe, yet the kids held her back from responding to my text until two hours later. But by morning, when the sun rose, and I heard from her again, these feelings would exist only because of a mountain of stress and fatigue, but I had to at least admit, with every day that passed, so did my belief and resolve as this was something that was now harder to ignore. Again, I had to regroup and remain true to my motto of pressure without applying pressure.

The next morning when I woke at around six, Anya sent me her understanding.

4:40 a.m.

“I hope your fone is off. Hope u r sleeping soundly. Sorry I couldn’t chat last night. Haven’t seen the kids so I was busy from right after school till I went to bed.”

4:45 a.m.

“After dinner and homework helped Andrew sell and buy stocks last nite. You won’t believe it but I went to bed at 9. I just didn’t want to feel sad anymore so I slept. Waiting for Carolyn to go walking.”

Her early morning texts, the earliest she had ever texted me, told me I was wrong to feel the way I did. Even if she was with Jackson, after her texts I was fine with it. Anya’s texts were like a rainbow after a storm, and it put my mind at ease simply because of the time she sent them as she knew she had let me down, her way of saying sorry without saying sorry, and any time she did that, I forgave her and forgot as well how her absence made me feel. Just before I stepped out the door to head to the office I sent her a text to ask what made her sad.

7:58 a.m.

“I’m sad cuz I miss you. We walked 6 miles. We’ll run 3 tomorrow and we’re done. Andrew bought Wachovia, AIG and Wells. It will be a long time before these stocks recover.”

ME: “He’s smart to buy when the stocks are down. They were overpriced anyway. If he holds onto them for a while he should come out pretty good. I bought some shares in Wells the other day. Stocking up so to speak.”

ANYA: “I agree. I haven’t even looked at my statements. Don’t want to. Andrew is just set up with his mad money that he has collected over years and plays with it. I do admit I get a kick out of watching Andrew and his fascination with finance. I do learn a lot hanging with him. He can teach me a thing or two. I even put up dollar bill wallpaper for him in his room.”

ME: “He could probably teach me a thing or two also! How’s his wallet business coming along?”

ANYA: “Great! They haven’t changed their website cuz they’ve been busy manufacturing wallets! They sold wallets at the soccer field and made $200 in an hour!”

ME: “What?! $200 in an hour! That’s stellar! What’s he going to do with his profit?”

ANYA: “He’ll probably use his profit from his wallet business to buy more stocks knowing Andrew. He’s frugal! Didn’t get it from me!”

ME: “Well, that’s a good thing! He’s definitely getting a good head start he needs in life! Good for him!”

ANYA: “I’m sure you’re on your way. Have a good day. I miss you like crazy. I’m having a hard time with it all but coping. I love you very much. You’re my soulmate.”

I didn’t know how to digest her texts to me. She really wallpapered her son’s room with dollar bills? Money is important in life no doubt, and I love investing myself, but doesn’t that send the message money leads to happiness? Everything she told me she didn’t believe in? After the previous evening, I began to feel her “I miss you like crazy” were more obligatory than feeling. I understood she had to be there for Andrew and Katie, but how could she miss me so much and not even try to see me at all? After our textversation, I decided to test her with a heartfelt text, to see if she was being obligatory as my sensitivity grabbed me by the collar to question the true intent of her words especially after she referred me as her “soulmate”.

ME: “You’re my soulmate without a doubt because it never scares me when I think about spending my life with you but it scares me to think of a lifetime without you. I love you very much too.”

I felt her response to this text would lend me some insight into her true intentions. That she understood soulmates didn’t disappear on their soulmates even for a couple of hours. My heart was no joke and I didn’t want her to feel obligated to feel the way I did. I wanted to know her true feelings and not fake ones to appease me. If she could test my love for her, I was entitled to test her love for me when I felt the need to, and I got my response almost four hours later.

12:21 p.m.

“You always know how to touch me. That got to my core. I love you.”

For the last three hours, I could barely get a thing done at work as I lost focus as I worried about what her response would be. When I received her text, I felt relieved, so much so, I ignored it, let my guard completely down and asked her how her day was going.

12:44 p.m.

“That scares me u know, about the part that scares you. Day is steady. Working on the Company X-mas party. How is urs babe? I miss you.”

The part that scares me, scares her? I didn’t know how to decipher her words. If I thought positively, a soulmate fears not living with their soulmate during their lifetime, and we share the same fear or, based on how I felt, my negative emotions in play, did she know something I didn’t know? Did she have no intent for us to ever be together? Is that why she was scared? As much as I questioned her intentions at this moment, I believed in love. I believed she knew what it meant to be in love, and so I decided to let it go, and to think positively about her exchange, if it truly got to her core.

Not a few minutes later, she helped ease my nerves.

12:46 p.m.

“I know I can’t see u during the week and this weekend is my running weekend. Can I see you for tea on Saturday morning? I miss you very much.”

As much as it meant the world to me to see her in just a few days, I felt an uneasiness as if a wall was building around us. I guess I thought her tears would bring us closer. I knew her pain greater than anyone else did. I knew mine as well. Maybe I feared getting even closer to her now, but something didn’t feel right. Even if she had a running weekend wouldn’t she try even more so to see me as much as she could? We had three mini dates in one day not so long ago. Did her culture shock in Canada make her have a change of heart? How could she not have known all of this before she dated me? That’s what perplexed me and it made me question her true intentions. Was she trying to come up with things like Denise did? Like everyone else did I ever held feelings for? The trouble for me this time around was she loved me like no one else had. So much so my guard came completely down and dispatched itself from me. Only her hand was keeping me from falling off a cliff and I wasn’t ready to die. In pure survival mode but I couldn’t ignore what I intuitively felt. I couldn’t deny my instinct; the one that told me I was always right about the things I didn’t want to be right about.

Later that afternoon we got into an interesting textversation about being single these days. A topic I knew a lot about; more than I ever thought I would.

2:29 p.m.

“I thought it would be faster to whip out ur business card than to enter your number into my phone. Idk. Maybe that’s the old-fashioned way. What do I know about being single?”

ME: “I usually don’t carry my business card with me when I go out. I don’t think it’s proper to hand them out in a dating situation but I had one and you told me you were looking for a new CPA.”

ANYA: “I don’t know the whole single and dating thing b/c I was never really alone too long. I don’t know how to play games and I know people do. I meet people all the time through business and social scenes but that’s different. For instance, what does it mean when they say “guys like a chase”? I don’t understand why. Why would you? How about a girl who plays “hard to get”? Why?”

ME: “I’ve always been one to wear my hart on my sleeve. I don’t play games. Either I’m interested or I’m not. If people can play hard to get or play games then their feelings just aren’t there for the person. Why waste my time chasing them? So I can have a miserable existence with them one day? No thanks. I don’t care how hot a woman is. I don’t have time for games.”

ANYA: “I’m just glad you don’t play games cuz that’s annoying. U either like someone or not right? Why waste time? Again, what do I know?”

ME: “I couldn’t agree with you more. I’m too genuine to play games with anyone. If I like someone, I can’t hide it. Just the way I am. I’ve had girls play games with me before though.”

ANYA: “Well if she wasn’t interested in you why take it any further? She could just say no thank you.”

ME: “Like most mature people would do! I don’t play games with anyone even if they played games with me. I just move on and wish them good luck in their search.”

ANYA: “I know u don’t babe. You’re a gentleman.”

ME: “I try to be but I think chivalry is pretty much dead these days. Remember I dated a girl who judged me for opening a car door for her. She thought something was wrong with me. Turned her off.”

ANYA: “Chivalry is not dead! You’re a perfect gentleman and I think it’s sweet. I love that about you.”

ME: “Thank you babe. In my experience though, it puts women on guard so I almost have to be a jerk to them to gain their trust…if that makes an ounce of sense otherwise I’m too good to be true,”

ANYA: “Well, u r too good to be true but getting mad for opening the car door doesn’t make sense. I love you.”

The single scene in today’s dating world was one of the reasons I opened my heart up to Anya if not the sole reason I gave a married woman a chance for happiness. I decided I needed to date people who knew what love was and a woman who had her heart ripped out by someone who promised to love and cherish her forever carried less risk over ending up with someone who didn’t know what love was. I was involved only in the righteous sense of the word love otherwise I couldn’t vouch for my place in her life. I was not in this for kicks. I got no excitement in life by having a relationship with a married woman as my passion came from my belief in love in its truest form. Only the energy of the universe could have brought us together; two people who desperately needed to believe in trust and love again even as I rallied against my fear of her falling away from me because of a culture that believed the power of money trumped and created the power of love, and not the other way around.

Later that evening, just about two hours after our convo about today’s dating scene, she texted me again.

5:04 p.m.

“Getting ready to go to dance and then to soccer. Have to stop by a friend’s house for a bit while the kids r busy. I have a small window to toast for her birthday. You don’t have to text me back but I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy our communication. The subject matter doesn’t really matter. I could tell you anything.”

ME: “Okay babe! Happy birthday to your friend! I love talking to you. I really enjoy just listening to you because I learn from you too. I loved hanging around my best friends when I was a kid. I could hang out with them all day long and I’d want to. I feel the same way about you. You make me feel like a kid again and that’s rare. I hope that makes sense, but of course I can do other things with you too! I miss you. I would talk to you all day long if I could!”

ANYA: “I miss you too. I agree! Allllll day long irresponsibly!”

I guess it may have been different for both Anya and I as I’m sure I provided an escape from stresses and even a therapeutic element for her in some way, but for me she was truly my everything. Even when I wasn’t stressed. Even when I didn’t need any therapy. I just truly loved being around her energy. She gave me life and a reason to live. A reason to believe in love, and that it was actually meant for me to have and feel one day. That I was worthy of it even when I believed for the last seven years before our eyes met it wasn’t meant for me.

Before she went to bed that night, a full day of communication between us, she text me again for a night cap.

8:28 p.m.

“I hope you’re ok. Katie will be out soon. Once I get home I will have to deal with dinner and homework so I will say goodnight now. Please text me to let me know you’re ok.”

ME: “I’m ok babe. What made you think I wasn’t ok?”

ANYA: “Just didn’t hear from u that’s all. Gtg.”

ME: “Hey wait. I forgot to tell you something.”

ANYA: “What is it babe?”

ME: “I love you forever.”

ANYA: “I love you forever! Goodnight my love! Xoxoxo!”

One a day like today, when she sends me a text I’ve never seen from her before, that had love written all over it, it made me feel ashamed when I questioned her intentions. She couldn’t fake her tears the other night on the phone. She’s not playing a game with my heart at all. Anya was just a very sad woman, and her sadness is even worse than she believed it was. My love, my place in her life, represented her awareness of this sadness whether she chose to call it such or not. Andrew and Katie’s mother was sad and I wanted their mother to be happy and full of love so it could be passed on to them. So they could feel her warmth not her coldness. Anya knew how to love better than anyone I’ve ever known and it was a shame she believed her kids thought she was generally an unloving person. I felt that needed to change more than ever. Whoever this woman was before we met, I’ll never know, but I did know she couldn’t return to that person ever again. Leaving her would only extend her sadness as I didn’t believe in what her culture believed in; to marry well because I knew to marry well would only lead to end up unwell in the end. The more times I saw my mom in bed. The times my mom’s Cancer returned. The more I believed this to be true.

The next day however brought another challenge for our resolve.

7:49 a.m.

“Good morning!”

ME: “Good morning! How r u?”

ANYA: “I’m fine. How r u? When r u leaving for work? Want to call me when u get on the road?”

ME: “I’m good. I’m leaving now.”

ANYA: “Call me.”

It was a rare event for Anya to ask me to call her this early in the morning in the middle of shuttling her kids off to school. I didn’t know what to expect. Did Jackson confront her again? With great anxiousness, I called her back immediately.

“Hi.” she said when she answered.

“Hi. It’s nice to hear your voice so early in the morning!” I said. “Is everything alright?”

There was some silence on the phone that lasted 5 seconds before she spoke.

“I hate to dampen things…but Katie told me this morning her friend told her yesterday that she hates her dad because he cheated on her mom. She even told Katie her dad doesn’t love her.”

“Oh wow.” I said disheartened for Katie’s friend. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Anya’s information put me in defense mode as it made me realize why she told me this story. I felt saddened her kid would believe the reason her father cheated on her mother was because he didn’t love his daughter and it sure had to feel that way to her, but I felt her parents should be made aware of how she felt so they could explain to her something called the truth. It was clear Anya felt this situation paralleled her own. I didn’t desire Katie or Andrew to EVER find out about Anya’s and Jackson’s transgressions, but I felt the longer Anya and Jackson were married, the greater the risk of them both learning this and feel it’s because their parents didn’t love them, which was far from the truth. Everyday Anya showed me the great love she had for her kids. How proud she was of them. They were clearly her life. I felt the fact she wanted to be happy again was a show of love for them so this happiness could be reflected upon them. It was Anya and Jackson’s duty as parents to be honest with them. To show them what love and a normal marriage was about. To show them marriages were realistic when you choose the right person. To hide a fifteen-year marriage riddled with infidelities and unhappiness from their children only increased the likelihood if they ever learned the truth, it would bring about negative feelings and emotions. To be in a serious relationship with another man and to remain dishonest with them about it only increased the likelihood they would be angry about it. I wanted to keep this a secret as well from Katie and Andrew. My goal wasn’t to rat out Jackson even as much as I despised the man. To Katie and Andrew, he was their hero, and I wasn’t out to destroy their admiration of him. If anything, I felt if Anya truly loved me, what she learned this morning could only inspire her to do the right thing and end her marriage.

“If Katie found out I was cheating then she would hate me.”

“What if Jackson cheats again?” I asked. “Wouldn’t they be hurt by that as well if they learned about it? Now that they’re older, they will probably find out if he did.”

“They wouldn’t.” she responded without hesitation.

“How would they not find out?” I asked.

“I’d try and buffer it from them.”

I was really taken back by her response. How was she so certain they would never learn if Jackson cheated on her again? If she was so sure they would never find out, then why the concern at all on this morning? Then she would try to buffer them from it? I felt as long as they learned about his infidelity in a natural setting, without any interference from me, then wouldn’t them knowing make me look better to them in their eyes? Wouldn’t they understand better why Anya and I came to be? Why would she protect a man who lacks so much respect for her? It was things she said like this that made me question her true intentions and why I felt she disregarded my existence in her life and her role in it.

“I think the longer you stay in your marriage.” I said. “The greater the risk of them finding out about the infidelities only increases.”

The thing about Anya that began to take its toll on me emotionally is how I perceived how she treated Katie, at just thirteen years of age, as an adult or as her equal. I felt at times Anya needed to be a parent and not a friend. She had to remember Katie was only thirteen, not thirty-three. Kids were always going to treat a change in their lives as if the sky is falling. If she treated her children as if they were adults, then she should also expect them to respond well to adversity, and to act maturely. Katie did not need Anya to shield her away from the earth with lies that Katie was probably aware of in some way.

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When I got off the phone with Anya, I didn’t know how to feel but even though I began to crumble inside, I tried to keep things in a positive light.

8:58 a.m.

“Loved hearing ur voice too! I miss you, I love you.”

And then about ten minutes later, she sent me a follow-up text.

9:08 a.m.

“I love you forever!”

And this was the part of her I couldn’t let go. The part that tried to make things right in the end.

Eight forty-six p.m. I always remembered that particular time of day for one reason and for one reason only; it was the time I was born. Now I had two reasons.

8:46 p.m.

“I love you. I miss your bed. I miss kissing u. I miss being in your arms. I miss your scent. I miss your eyes. I miss your face. I especially miss your arms.”

After I received her text this morning it was something I needed desperately to see as it led me to feel like a fool to question her intentions. I needed some assurance from her at times. My heart was deeply vested. I had come a long way because I trusted she knew what it meant to be in love. That her husband’s infidelities led me to believe she knew how important it was to her well-being as I was the source of her self-awareness, not self-destruction.

After her text, I began to dream about seeing her in the next two days before our tea meeting on Saturday.

8:53 p.m.

“My massage therapist is coming over at noon to loosen me up for the run. Then I’m working all nite to help set up for work event on Saturday.”

With this text my hopes were squashed and the positive vibes I felt about her missing me, again led me to question if she truly did. It just seemed at times, I’ve heard every excuse to not be with me from a woman who claimed to miss and love me, yet it only left me to wonder if she had a single excuse to be with me. Why couldn’t she meet with her massage therapist earlier and come over to see me? I just felt for a person who missed me as greatly as she did, she’d find a way to squeeze in the massage therapist, and not make it the priority.

ME: “Well, you know I’ll be missing you. I hope everything goes well for you this weekend.”

ANYA: “Me too. Thank you, ur so sweet. I better go help Andrew study for his test tomorrow. I better say goodnight babe. I love you forever.”

ME: “Ok. Goodnight babe. Love you forever too.”

ANYA: “R u bummed?”

ME: “I’m ok, babe.”

ANYA: “I’m sorry.”

ME: “Sorry for what, babe? I understand.”

ANYA: “Goodnight handsome. I love you forever.”

I left our exchange not knowing how she believed I was bummed out, but our connection was like that. Then again, what she learned from Katie this morning shook us both up a little bit. It’s not like I ever felt Anya had no reason to feel the way she did. She had every right in the world to worry about her kids and how it could make them feel. For me, to come this far from heartache, to put myself out there to love someone so much, it required a lot of trust that she did not love her husband. That if given the chance, if someone was there for her, if she loved someone, it would be the only way she would leave. I trusted her words and that she knew there would be nothing holding her back from someone who was there for her. When she hit me with these kind of things, I felt she lied to me just like she lied to everyone around her, and that was a part of Anya I wasn’t willing to believe or accept. However, it did lead me to question the possibility I was lied to as much as Jackson, Katie and Andrew were. Whenever I sensed the possibility, though something as inoculate as a friend of Katie’s who hates her dad because he cheated on her mom and now feels he doesn’t love her, I just felt was something I shouldn’t have had to deal with at all because Anya knew why I was in her life. Things like this shouldn’t have made a bit of difference to her because of the enormous faith and trust I put in all she told me. This kind of thing was always a possibility before she dated me, even before she dated Lance. How did it come up just now? What led her to share this with me after she knew the great sacrifice I made on what she told me? I understood her fears. I understood how Katie could feel this way, but if she truly loved me, Anya would think of a way to make sure Katie never believed that to be true, as it felt like a woman who loved me seemed to be open to ways not to be with me and that went against all she told me about her life, and the reason she knew very well why I was in it. Her tears told me why I was in it. To fully trust her intentions, I needed to see her find excuses for us to be together, not for an easy excuse like “the kids” for us not to be together. Now I was beginning to become sensitive to everything around me as I became engulfed in her life. Everything she did miles away from me, I was right there with her living through her. I didn’t just fall in love with Anya, but I fell in love with Katie and Andrew too. I dreamt of not only being with Anya, but being in their lives as well to support and complement their lives in any way Jackson couldn’t. Jackson may not have been a good man, but he was a good father. This wasn’t about replacing, but complementing so that their mother would be in a better emotional and mental place. I felt down the road, the kids would understand one day why their mother fell in love with me and why Dad wasn’t the one for her, but the one for them.

The next morning brought a day upon me I never really knew of; the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur, the day of atonement. I didn’t know much about Jewish holidays and I didn’t know if Yom Kippur always fell on October 9th every year but this Jewish Holiday was much like Christmas to me now, just one of the holidays I’d never forget.

7:54 a.m.

“Good morning!”

ME: “Good morning! How r u?”

ANYA: “I’m good. I’m going to cancel my massage for tom so I will be free at noon. I’ll see if she can squeeze me in sometime before I go to volunteer tomorrow night.”

ME: “Oh babe. Don’t do that on my account. I’m ok. I guess I was just a little fatigued last night when I told you I was bummed.”

ANYA: “Too late. I just got off the phone with her. She’s going to call her other client to see if she’d be flexible w/her time so she can squeeze me in right after school. I hope ur still available. I miss you.”

I never told Anya I was bummed out because she scheduled a massage instead of finding a way for us to see each other. I think after what she told me about Katie’s friend, it made me feel her words of love were not sincere, but I should have known by now, we were connected. Often times I wondered if Anya may have the same narcissistic traits Jackson appeared to have, but this was empathy on display and whether she knew her scheduling a massage appointment over seeing me was something that bummed me out, she saw how something like that could make me feel, and she didn’t want to take that chance. You could search the globe for someone like that, chances are you would never find them as Anya put on display why I loved her so much. She seemed to always find a way to calm the storm within me without being told how bad the storm was, how long it would last and where it was headed, an act consistent with being in love with someone and not the trait of a narcissist.

ME: “I’m always available for you, Sweetheart. If I wasn’t, I’d find a way. I hope she will be able to get her client to move the appointment. I know the massage is something you need before you run this weekend.”

ANYA: “I’m glad you’re available. It’s fine, I’ll work it out babe. Can’t wait! Have a good day! I miss you, I love you!”

I felt bad to let her know I was bummed last night but at the same time it was good to know her words and actions were parallel. Later that afternoon at about twelve thirty, on a day I presumed was a busy one for her, I sent her a text to see how her day was coming along.

2:13 p.m.

“Hi! Sorry I went to Yom Kippur services. How r u?”

Anya had been blowing off church services for the past two weeks, so I was surprised to learn she went to the service.

ME: “Did you have to go?”

ANYA: “Yes babe. Day of atonement. Feeling kind of weird.”

ME: “Why do you feel kind of weird?”

ANYA: “Why? Uh day of atonement? Time to reflect and consider? Hun, I’m not saying I feel differently about us. It’s just a serious holy day that’s all.”

Anya’s usage of the word “uh” to speak of the day of atonement and it’s time to reflect and consider was the first time I had truly been upset with her. The thing she had to remember, and we both knew the only reason she recognized a Jewish Holiday was due to the fact Jackson was Jewish. She was raised a Christian, again she made a complete shift to having the belief in Jesus Christ to believing he was some sort of sorcerer. Even though I was agnostic, I felt that was an extreme shift and one done out of love, a love she told me no longer existed between her and Jackson. Did she think that “The Day of Atonement” would cease to come around if she was with me? When did I ever mention even in passing during this textversation that she may feel differently about us? How could she text me something like this as if I was Jewish and even knew all Jewish people celebrated a day to atone for their sins? Is this what she looked upon our love as? One I walked away from because she was married but was only referred to me as a situation as a sin? Her husband had cheated on her numerous times. The only way God would recognize it as a sin is if she still loved Jackson and that is why she went to the service and why it affected her. How could she text me something like this and tell me she is in love with me? If our love is now a sin in her eyes, what chance did I ever have? If our love is a sin in her eyes then what were her true intentions? Why all of a sudden did she need a “Day of Atonement” to hold herself accountable for the last 10 months? Something she told me she would rather die that never have in her life? Something she told me she had no regrets of and hoped for many more moments? Where did this come from? With no disrespect to the Jewish people and their faith, although I didn’t believe in what they did, my disgust with Yom Kippur did not come from their beliefs, but Anya’s disrespect for how and the reason I came into her life. The tone in her “Day of Atonement” awareness to me was as shitty of a thing another human being could do to another one in this situation.

ME: “Shouldn’t everyday be a day of reflection and consideration? Jewish people need a day or a church service to be reminded of that once a year?”

ANYA: “Ur right.”

If Anya truly loved me, like she claimed for the last 10 months, this day of atonement should have only inspired her to do one thing and one thing only; to leave her husband. This exchange, her acknowledgement of what value this “holiday” held for her, made me truly realize I may be in danger for my own life. That this person I fell so deeply in love with, was hiding something more than the secret of who her husband was. After allowing me to be a huge part of her life, the fact she showed any allegiance to him disturbed me beyond anything Denise had ever done to me. This would be beyond a heartbreak for me and something I knew I’d never get past, if it was true. I didn’t want to jump on her about it as in the past things I felt were wrong I had wrongfully judged her for, but this one thing here, just didn’t feel right at all as she knew when she responded “Ur right”, that I may had a reason to question her intentions. It was truly the first time I felt had a real reason with hard evidence to question her honesty.

I gave myself an hour or two to calm down and refocus my energies back on work. I didn’t want her to sense I was bummed out again so I apologized if I gave her a negative vibe with my text.

3:17 p.m.

“It’s ok. Sorry was getting my nails done so u don’t think they look monstrous tomorrow! They were chipping badly from my trip!”

It didn’t matter what her nails looked like to me I just wanted her to be with me as I now felt a greater urgency for us to be together or to at least know the truth, but was I brave enough now that I felt so much? Did I want to risk throwing ten months away if I was wrong? Her reaction to the this being the day of atonement really shook me up because I would’ve never chosen to be a part of her life if I had known this was a serious holy day for her. That a religion she chose solely because of her husband would mean so much to her as it felt like she turned against me and thought of our love as sin instead of beautiful like she led me to believe she felt about it. I had put so much of myself into her without thinking about myself, if that made an ounce of sense. The problem was though for the first time in my life, I was truly in love. I truly loved this woman, and my heart made excuses for her even when she could never find a single excuse within herself to be with me, but I couldn’t believe I could be that fooled. Or that a human being could be that cruel, twisted and evil. Not my Anya. Not the woman I loved. Not a chance.

ME: “I’m just looking forward to seeing you.”

ANYA: “I’m excited!”

ME: “Me too, babe!”

ANYA: “I love you forever!”

After that exchange, I felt better than I did and relieved it appeared I overreacted. Later that evening I texted her to see how her night was going.

9:19 p.m.

“Sorry. Out to Yom Kippur dinner with the congregation. Can’t wait to see u tomorrow! Better say goodnight! I love you!”

ME: “Can’t wait to see you tomorrow too! Goodnight! Love you!”

ANYA: “!!!”

Back to square point zero one and even though it was much later than normal, I got in my car and drove to the gym to get this frustration out of my system. She was out with the congregation? I couldn’t believe what she had texted me as Yom Kippur, a day I knew nothing about for thirty-seven years, I now knew more than I ever wanted to know. Had Anya forgiven Jackson simply because of this single day of atonement? I walked away from Anya because of things like this--things that tied her to her marriage. I trusted her to be honest with me about them so I wouldn’t be hurt by them if I fell in love with her. At the gym, for the first time, my stomach felt uneasy as I imagined her living the lie that was her life to a congregation but was I the one being lied to? After I told her to not use me to fill a void in her marriage? Was I the only human being sensitive to this “holy day”? Was I overreacting? How could she look as our relationship as “sin” when she told me she would have no regrets? How could she be so contradictive? Has Jackson’s history of emotional and mental abuse towards Anya now been passed on to me through her? Was Jackson with her and the congregation? I didn’t get it and I was sick to my stomach as I felt unable to move, paralyzed. Was I just a novelty to her? Like a dress she bought for Katie’s bat mitzvah then returned? Was this how it worked with those she “loved”? Line them up then pick and choose the one she wanted to keep? How could she do this to me? What have I ever done to her? I’ve never cheated. Remained loyal even as I shared her with someone else. Why not choose a man who uses women to do this to? She’s forty years old, not twenty. I hated to admit I was angry about this but I was. Yom Kippur bothered me deeply simply because it wasn’t a kids’ thing, it was a marriage thing, and I warned her about the façade. How could she tell me if she decided to stay she would be choosing her kids and not her marriage when she was out with the congregation recognizing a holiday she only recognized because of her husband? You know, the one who promised to love and cherish her forever and didn’t come close to doing so? I realized after this weekend, after what unfolded over the last couple of days and how it left me to feel that I had to pull back, if not entirely. I had to find out the truth about her feelings because even though she was coming to see me, I didn’t feel loved. I felt used. Was I only good enough to sleep with? Not only did her allegiance to Yom Kippur discount my love for her but it also greatly disrespected me as it made me feel everything she ever told me was a lie. I needed to find out my true place and purpose in her life because at this point, I feel she was as bad as Jackson. Even her lies to Debbie and Carolyn about the real reason I was in her life made me out to be a homewrecker? She wanted the man she “loved” to be viewed upon as a homewrecker to them?

The entire night I fought with my bed, and the thoughts in my head. Not a sign of positivity seeped through as I couldn’t sleep on a night I simply needed to as I worked the next day. I began to see how this relationship that gave me so much life, now threatened to destroy all I had built in my career when I finally had gotten over Denise. This was the first time I wasn’t truly excited to see Anya as I believed today would not be a good day for us if not the end. I decided to get up and watch some cable at two am hoping I’d be able to get my mind off of things. I got caught up watching “Unfaithful” with Diane Lane and Richard Gere, the same actors in “Nights in Rodanthe”, but this time Richard Gere is the husband as Diane Lane cheats on him in this movie. Richard Gere then confronts her lover and is so enraged he kills him with the snow globe, he gave to his wife who “regifted” it to her lover when he saw it in his room. You would think Richard Gere would have ended his marriage, but Diane Lane helps him cover up the murder, a very disturbing movie that did nothing to help me with my current anxiety.

When the day arrived, I felt things were over. Her recognizance as Yom Kippur as a serious holy day for her just tore me apart. I couldn’t fake what I felt, and I wasn’t going to hold back how it made me feel. Even though, I tried to fight the urge simply because she would go home to her kids and be an emotional wreck. As upset as I was with her, I didn’t want to put her or the kids through that. I had to find a way to not be upset when I explained how it made me feel. Maybe she just needed to know and had no clue what she did and said. If we were truly connected though, she had to have known. I just didn’t appreciate her defense of a Jewish holiday she only recognized because of him.

9:14 a.m.

“Good morning! Can’t wait! C u soon!”

We made plans for her to visit me at noon, in turn I would leave the office at eleven thirty to meet up with her.

12:07 p.m.

“Here”

Seven minutes late was not Anya like. No exclamation point after here. She was clearly not excited to be here, I felt and to be honest, I felt dread not excitement on this day. I appreciated her gesture to move her massage time but if she recognized Yom Kippur as a serious holiday then it meant nothing. She might as well just kept her appointment if she was going to make me feel like crap anyway.

The very second she saw me when I arrived at the gate to let her in, she came into my arms and didn’t leave them as it caught me by surprise. It was the first time I held her since her tears fell in the Canadian night. Anya gave me many moments, not all were good but the ones like these were so good, my heart could never ignore them as my pain drained away within my embrace. As she began to pull away and grabbed my hand within hers, a smile swept across her face like sunlight unleashed upon darkness. Her smile swept me away as well as I began to completely forget about the last painful three days, as if all I felt was absolutely ridiculous to feel, even immature.

When she came into my apartment and put her purse on my kitchen counter top, like she usually did, I cupped her face in my hands and brought her lips upon my own. To taste all I’ve missed; all I ever longed for. I couldn’t explain how being with her made my life so much simpler and so much better because I had the truth before me. The truth about her love for me. Her lack of fear whenever it came to loving me or allowing me to love her to the full extent two people can possibly ever feel. She was more than my lover, and if she was my wife, she would have been even more than that; an extension of who I was or better yet, the culmination of all I ever dreamed to be. Being together brought my world, our world, the one we created together with our faith I love and one another, the ultimate sense of peace, as if we were already laid to rest together, as if our ashes had already been strewn upon our beach. Our love never seemed real but it was the most real thing I had ever been a part of.

I anticipated, as she crawled upon my bed to me, the minute our bare skin would touch, how it felt so perfectly against mine. When it did meet, the excitement I felt was beyond anything else I ever imagined it would be. We never needed to make love because each time we were together, love was instantly made. As we kissed and touched each other, as our eyes remained lost in the vision of each other before us, we learned no matter how much time separated us, we were still in awe of and moved by one another. I couldn’t tell you what this day had in store for us, I never did, but each time we met felt like the best time we ever spent with each other. After we absorbed each other for the first half hour of her visit, she turned to me.

“Isn’t our love remarkable, babe?”

“What do you think makes it so remarkable?” I asked. “What stands out the most to you about it?”

“How our love proves anything is possible.” she exclaimed. “You make me so happy.”

Almost moved to tears when she said this to me, I had to kiss her to stop them from instantly falling. At a time I thought she would arrived with all the negativity in the world after Yom Kippur the day before and after Katie’s friend’s revelation, she showed me indeed that anything was possible. The woman before me was the woman I fell so desperately in love with. The one who needed my love as much as I needed hers. Her words left me to feel if she ever chose to be dishonest with me, it wasn’t because she was using me or playing games with me, but because she didn’t want to ever lose me. She didn’t want to lose what she had found in me.

“Well, I think you’re a remarkable woman, and you mean the universe to me.” I said. “We mesh so well together.”

“We’re two peas in a pod!” she said. “Such a cliché but this time it has meaning.”

She then reached over and grabbed her Blackberry from my nightstand and began to cycle through it to.

“Here babe.” she said. “You can flip through the photos but these are pics from my trip to Canada.”

As she handed me her phone and I began to cycle through them, my heart seemed to beat faster with everyone. I had never seen photos of Anya before as she was very photogenic in each of them, much like a model would be, but all her poses were natural, with family members at the wedding. I felt honored for her to have shared them with me as I felt I knew the woman behind the smile better than anyone else did. How many tears she cried on this very trip and what truly lied behind the smile. As much as I got lost in her whenever she visited, I got equally as lost in her photos and it made me sad as I wished I could have been in all of them with her.

“If I ever needed proof of your beauty, I have it now.” I said as I looked through them.

“I love you, babe.” she said as she leaned in to kiss me.

“I love you.” I said as I met her eyes.

“I’ll email them to you.” she said. “but please don’t respond back because anyone can read my email including my office.”

“I understand. Thank you.” I said as I leaned in to return her previous gesture.

Less than ten seconds later after I had handed Anya back her phone, I heard my phone vibrate.

“I just sent them to you.” she said. “They may be a little smaller than on my phone.”

“That’s okay, Sweetheart.” I said. “I’m just happy I have some pics of you now.”

“Ooops! Looks like you have two email addresses, babe. I sent them to your work email address.”

“Oh good! Now I have something to help get me through the work day!” I said. “I’ll forward them to my home email.”

“What do you have going on tonight?” she asked.

“Just going to make dinner at home. What are you doing tonight?” I asked reluctantly.

“I have to pick up my bib at the marathon expo then pick the kids up at three-thirty from school. I have to volunteer at the House of Hope tonight. We’re decorating for Halloween. What are you having for dinner?”

“Oh, I don’t know yet. I’m not a good cook so who knows if it’ll even be edible.”

“I’m sure you’re a good cook. I wish I could cook for you.”

“I’m sure whatever you cooked would be really good.” I said. “Are you cooking for Katie and Andrew tonight?”

“I’m making sushi for them tonight. Not real sushi. I roll up rice and salmon for Andrew and vege stuff for Katie.”

“If my mom cooked like that for me when I was a kid, I’d never have eaten out.” I joked.

“Ha! I try to cook for them as much as possible. Usually it’s late when they get home and they want something fast.”

“Well, I’m sure whatever you concoct for them is delicious.”

“I’d bet you’d never tell me if my cooking was horrible. I just see you that way. Very polite.”

“I don’t think I ever could after you spent your time making it for me.” I said.

“The House of Hope is giving away gifts this weekend. The grand prize is an all expenses paid trip to Costa Rica.”

‘Wow! Really? Costa Rica?” I said. “The House is doing well!”

“I want to go to Costa Rica with you.”

“Well, we got to win that trip!” I said as my lips met hers.

As we kissed through the huge smiles on our faces, her visit carried one of the most positive ones we ever had as it mended a heart I thought certain would be broken at the end of this day. Whenever we were together, it was so easy to see but when we were apart, it was hard to fathom, and when our time together had expired I feared the sadness that would eventually take all we felt for an hour on this day away from us.

3:53 p.m.

“Haven’t stopped thinking about our afternoon. You make me happy. I miss you very much.”

When I read her text, I felt it provided all the evidence in the world why she needed to leave Jackson as she summed up everything I fought and sacrificed for her to have over the last ten months.

She then text me later as she volunteered to set up Halloween décor at the House of Hope.

7:36 p.m.

“U ok?”

ME: “I’m missing you but I’m ok, Sweetheart. How r u?”

ANYA: “I’m sad too. I’m trying to stay positive. We have each other. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss you to death.”

ME: “Today was a great day! I miss ur kiss!”

ANYA: “I miss ur kiss too! I had so much fun with you today!”

ME: “Me too! Going to just think about the fun we had.”

ANYA: “I better check out, babe. I’m dirty from decorating and I’m going to jump in the shower. Goodnight. I can’t wait to see you again. I love you with all of me.”

ME: “Ok, babe. Goodnight. Can’t wait to see you again as well. I love you with all of me too.”

And with that final text, my day with Anya came to a close…until an hour later.

9:44 p.m.

“Costa Rica babe.”

ME: “Ha! I just love you! Costa Rica my love!”

Or so I thought was the end of my day with Anya. Whenever she did things like this, and made days like today happen, it gave me so much life, more than even the sun could provide me as it gave me the hope I needed to believe in her love for me and what we stood for. Not for sin, but for truth and equity. All that was right and fair in this world. After today, I couldn’t believe I was ever upset with her just a full day before. Her love made me realize what mattered. That if she ever lied to me, it was because she didn’t want to lose what she found in me. A dishonesty I could manage to find understanding in, and she was right; “anything was possible” as I aimed for compassion not anger and understanding over frustration. I just wanted to be happy as much as she did. October 10th. 2008 was one of the greatest days of my life to date.

The good vibe carried to the next day as we got to see each other once again when we met for “tea”, but for some reason I anticipated the sadness of missing her far before she would leave me on this day. We didn’t even walk into “The Good Morning Café” anymore as she just jumped in my car and I drove us to our wall by the children’s park for what had to be the shortest forty-five minutes of my life.

“Have you ever seen the movie “Unfaithful”.” I asked her.

“No. Who’s in it?” she asked.

“Richard Gere and Diane Lane.” I said. “It’s a lot different from “Nights in Rodan The” though. You should see it sometime. It’s interesting.”

“Ha! I remember that lady asking for tickets to see “Nights in Rodan The!” she responded with laughter. “Ok…when I have time I’ll watch it. I’m going to miss you tonight babe.”

“I’m going to miss you too.” I said.

“I’m hosting a gala in the neighborhood.” she informed me. “A charity function.”

“I see.” I said. “And you have a half marathon to run early the next day?”

“Yes, babe.” she said.

“You’re a remarkable person, Sweetheart. I don’t know how you do it all. Can’t say I don’t worry about you.”

“Sometimes I look back at all the things I do in a day and it amazes me I’m even able to accomplish half of what I do.”

“No doubt, you’re a star. Very inspiring to me. You make me feel I have no excuses to not be successful in life. I love your work ethic.”

“I try.” she said. “The days get harder to get through more than ever. I feel so close to you.”

“I’ve never felt closer to anyone.” I said as I withheld the knowledge the days were harder than ever for me as I missed her even when she was near me.

“It’s such a great feeling to be in love with you. Intoxicating.” she said as her eyes fell and her lips moved into mine.

“I can’t say I haven’t been moved enough not to window ring dream.”

“Window ring dreaming, babe? What’s that?” she asked.

“I don’t know.” I said with hesitance within my breath. “but ever since you told me you wanted to wear my ring I find myself browsing at what’s behind the jewelry store glass on display at the mall. It’s hard to find something worthy of the honor to be on your finger.”

“Awww…babe.” she said as she kissed me again as her eyes moistened slightly. ‘I love that you tell me that. How I wish.”

“After so much heartbreak that’s hard for me to reveal even to someone who loves me as much as you do.” I said. “I believe in us enough to be ready for that possibility one day, but I know you feel just as strongly about it because we’re one.”

“We’re one.” she said. “We are one…and I love you.”

“I love you too.”

When our time ended and our lips touched for the last time not knowing when they would meet again, the dread of missing her began to take shape and not ten minutes later I sent her a text to tell her how I felt.

11:37 a.m.

“I miss you too. I had a great time. I love you forever.”

I knew it would be another lonely night without her. It never made me love her less, it just made it hard on my heart especially when my eyes missed her beauty, my nose missed her scent, and my skin missed her touch. Later that afternoon, as if she read my mind she sent me the texts I loved so much to receive.

3:32 p.m.

“I love you.”

ME: “I love you, Beautiful. Are you ready for your run tomorrow?”

ANYA: “All ready! I’m trying to convince myself that I’ll be fine tomorrow. Idk why I’m freaking out.”

ME: “Sweetheart, you’ve done so many of these and have come out doing even better than you thought you would! You’ll do great, babe! No shame in walking a part of it if you have to.”

ANYA: “Ur right. I’ll be fine. Done it before. It’s just another one. Going home to count my medals.”

ME: “Are you sure you can count that high? That is something you should be nervous about!”

ANYA: “Haha! This would be my 7th half marathon.”

ME: “That’s 7 more than a lot of peeps, babe!”

I was surprised to learn she was more worried about a half marathon than hosting a gala, but she did have ankle issues in the past and that could worry anyone. I toyed with the idea of waking up at five thirty and going to the half marathon to support her at the finish line, but decided against it in case her kids were there as it might have worried her if she saw me unexpectedly. I felt if she wanted me there, like her daughter’s recital, should would ask me to see if I wanted to. I would have done anything for her at a minute’s notice. It didn’t matter what. All that mattered to me was her happiness.

Later that evening I texted her to see how her night went and her event went well however she was still unsettled about her run. She then wished me goodnight and that was when the missing hit me as much as it hit me when she went to Spain. I couldn’t put my finger on why it hit me so hard especially after being able to spend time with her the last two days but this seemed to mark the beginning of a true deep longing to be with her. I couldn’t hide it. Couldn’t pretend. She was everywhere on this night even as we were separated. I caught myself watching on a social media posts from one of my friends on Facebook of an anchorman who proposed to an anchorwoman live on television. Her shock, and then her tears of the purest joy moved me to my own as I watched such a heartfelt gesture come so easily for two people in love, something I had but could not do. I then realized for the first time I watched a moment of happiness with a broken heart as it hit me really hard that someone I loved would be that ecstatic if I, just a normal man who believed in this kind of love, simply proposed to her. It was the first time in my life I ever felt secure with her happiness but to know I could also never have that with her was heart wrenching. The gala she hosted on this night weighed me down in sadness as I imagined her and Jackson there together, with the knowledge she loved me but believing she may have held something for him to be able to keep up appearances so well. When she text to tell me she was home and getting ready for bed, I felt a little better but not enough to fall asleep as I could still taste her kiss from today, see her face, hear her tell me she loves me. I then went to my computer and looked at the pics she sent me from her cousin’s wedding, and then online to look at picture from a hotel in Seattle called the Market Inn as I dreamt of visiting Seattle with her in a room that had windows from floor to ceiling so we could watch the Seattle rain fall as I held her in my arms. After this night, I knew one thing was clear; I was deeply in love, there was no turning back, it was my last shot, last gasp at love, and I didn’t know how to handle all the emotions that hit me unannounced.

The next morning, I woke up at five thirty as she got ready for her race to wish her luck.

5:56 a.m.

“Thank you! Ur so sweet! I love you!”

I just wanted her to know if I couldn’t be there, I was rooting for her where I was. It didn’t matter what her time was, she had a successful run in my mind.

I waited a few hours for her race to finish to see how she did.

10:11 a.m.

“2:11. Not good but not bad. I walked every water station. Feeling good! No pain! Thx for the text this morning. Having a beer at the beer garden!”

ME: “2:11. You’d finish a marathon just a little over 4 hours for walking every water station. You did good babe! How was the weather? Was it pretty cold this morning?”

ANYA: “Actually the weather was perfect! Was tough b/c I didn’t feel ready but I did it.”

ME: “I think the same way at times. I don’t know how many times I’ve ended up surprising myself when things weren’t always perfect. Sometimes you just have to jump.”

ANYA: “I miss u babe.”

When she texted this to me, I felt hopeful I would see her on this day. That maybe she would get showered after her run and maybe meet for tea. I guess after our three mini dates day I thought anything was possible with her love, especially whenever she missed me.”

ME: “I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss you. I hope you know I miss you very much.”

ANYA: “I know hun. I love you forever. They’re playing “Brown Eyed Girl” at the Beer Garden.”

ME: “Ha! Sounds like a lot of fun happening at the Beer garden at 10 in the morning. They don’t usually have Beer gardens at the half marathons, right?”

ANYA: “No, they usually have beer gardens at the end of every race and a live band.”

ME: “Really? I think I’m gonna have to go pick up a pair of running shoes and start training with you girls then! Although, I’ll probably start at the Beer Garden and end at the Beer garden!”

ANYA: “Ha ha! I just love you babe!”

I then felt my phone made a sound as if I had just received an email. When I went to retrieve it, I opened it to see a picture of Debbie, Carolyn and Anya together at the Beer garden. Little did Anya know how much that pic made my morning as it felt I was there with them as a huge smile flashed upon my morning face. Anya then sent a text to ask if I received the pic from Carolyn and after I informed her I did, I followed up with a huge thank you. She then told me she and the girls were headed to a place called Johansen’s to eat after their race.

ANYA: “It’s a dive but been in town forever. I was told it’s where true people from the city go to. This sounds gross but I love their pickled eggs!”

ME: “I love deviled eggs if it’s anything like that. Sounds like a fun place to hang. Doesn’t seem like women will throw themselves at me there.”

ANYA: “It’s a good place to go and watch a game if ur not in the mood for a typical sports bar. People won’t bother u or “throw themselves” at u.”

ME: “I really thought you were going to let me slide on that! Women don’t throw themselves at me anywhere. I was totally kidding!”

ANYA: “Ha ha! Nope I’m not! I’m having too much fun with it! I would throw myself at you babe!”

ME: “You’re the only one I’d be happy to catch! I was just joking. Trust me, women do not throw themselves at me nor would I believe they ever would.”

ANYA: “Awww baby. I was just messin w/u! I love u. Just got here. Ready for my pickled eggs! But I would throw myself at you anytime! I adore u!”

We texted each other briefly when she arrived at Johannsen’s at noon, but I didn’t hear back from her for almost three hours later. I knew she was with Carolyn and Debbie, but apparently, there was a group with her, and I felt almost forgotten as if she had done her obligatory pleasantries and now to leave me be. Whether that was true or not, which it probably wasn’t, didn’t matter to my burdened heart who struggled with the missing more the usual as the hope of seeing her faded away as disappointment seeped in and overflooded my mind with negative thoughts as I couldn’t help myself.

2:33 p.m.

“Heading home to the kids. Massage girl is coming over at 4. I miss u so much babe.”

Her text left me to wonder if she missed me so much, how come she stopped texting me? How come she didn’t try to see what I was doing and if I was available to see her for a few minutes? Or maybe I just asked for too much and had a rough night without her.

2:58 p.m.

“What r u up to babe?”

ME: “Missing u.”

ANYA: “U ok?”

ME: “Just haven’t heard from you over the last couple of hours.”

ANYA: “Did u get my text? I told you I was going home to see the kids.”

I didn’t understand why she was telling me she was going home “to see the kids”. Why not tell me she’s just going home? Why the wedge?

ME: “I was just surprised I didn’t get another text from you. Seemed odd.”

ANYA: “What? I texted you all day! R u home? What’s wrong?”

ME: “It just felt odd to me. That’s all.”

ANYA: “Babe, you asked me if the pics were right after the race and I responded. I also said I was at Jo’s and ready to have my eggs. I was there w/the girls and one more. There were 5 of us in a booth with the feed bags on and drinking beers. I couldn’t be rude and not engage. I thought I told u I was checking out cuz I was eating.”

As I read Anya’s text, I couldn’t help but think how much her love for me would have never stopped her from texting me even if she “couldn’t be rude and had to engage”. It just began to feel the “I miss you” was not as genuine as I thought it was. And who was the “one more”? Was it Jackson? I didn’t want to give her any grief about it. I clearly missed her but sometimes the longing and the hope of seeing her overwhelmed me on a day where I found myself too in love to do anything I used to love doing before she came into my life. Life wasn’t the same anymore. Anya had a life, but to me, she was my life.

ANYA: “By the way, the 5th person was my girlfriend Sandy who also ran today.”

ME: “Ok. Sorry I questioned you.”

ANYA: “It’s ok. I better go spend some time with the kids.”

ME: “Ok, babe.”

ANYA: “Sorry I couldn’t be there for u the way you’re there for me.”

ME: “It’s just me having a hard day, babe. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

ANYA: “What happened? Tell me.”

ME: “I watched this anchorman propose to an anchorwoman on social media last night and it hit me pretty hard. It actually made me cry believe it or not. I don’t cry over things like that…but I was moved by it because we had such a great weekend together. I feel closer to you than ever. I’m ok, but I just didn’t have the best of weeks. Did u see that video by any chance?”

ANYA: “I saw. I c babe. I’m sorry.”

ME: “I’m fine, Sweetheart. Please enjoy your evening with the kids. I’m good.”

After her visit on Friday, I watched her leave never feeling happier. I felt I could wait this out no longer how long it took after Friday, but then Saturday comes and I was still happy. The good vibes just carried forward. Then I see the video of the anchor woman being proposed to and knowing I had that with Anya and she wasn’t with me just tore me apart. The mere thought of our love and the schism between us made me sad. In all my years of life, the only person I ever found that kind of love for was with someone I couldn’t have? How is this possible? This felt at times this was either the greatest love or the cruelest joke but nothing in between. I just get tired of hurting and her telling me she’s hurting just as much yet she’s out having the time of her life and not paralyzed like I now as. Unable to move. At the same time though, I wanted her to not be like I was. I knew how incapacitating it was, and I was glad she did things but that’s how deeply I felt for her, and I was the one with the real freedom to do anything I wanted. It just left me to feel I was good enough to sleep with and see a couple of hours during the week, and not good enough to be with. That she wasn’t proud of us or me, the man she claimed to love with all of her. I texted her at around eight pm to see how she was doing but she responded that she was out with her kids for dinner. I then decided it was best to call it a night and put an end to the sad thoughts I had the best way I knew how; by falling asleep. About an hour later though, she texted me.

9:22 p.m.

“I wish things were different. You haven’t left my mind. Thought about you all day. I fantasize about your proposal a lot since our talk about jewelry window shopping.”

ME: “I’m flattered, babe. That proposal clip really got to me.”

ANYA: “When I saw that clip the first thing I thought was “lucky couple”. I was sad too.

ME: “I’m sorry I let it get me down. Sorry if I ruined your day at all. I didn’t mean to do that to you.”

ANYA: “I’m sorry it was hard for u. I really did try today. If I stopped texting when I got to Jo’s it wasn’t intentional. I was just trying to get food in me.”

ME: “I know babe. You shouldn’t feel the need to text me all day anyway. I need to get more of a life. I wouldn’t want you to ever text me out of obligation or fear. I would only want to hear from you if you want to text me. I love you.”

ANYA: “I love you with all my heart. Goodnight.”

ME: “Thanks babe for being there. Sweet dreams.”

Anya and I texted a lot and for me to feel she didn’t text me enough during the day was astounding to believe, let alone the complaint came from me. The last thing I wanted for her to do was send me a text because if she didn’t I might be upset. I wouldn’t have wanted her to do that with me. I also had to remember, she had just run a half marathon and probably didn’t feel she looked her best and I would have probably not wanted to see her as well simply for that fact alone. At any rate, these feelings I had were the impetus of something larger on the horizon as our love was about to face its biggest test.