“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes…but no plans.”

~ Peter Drucker

The next morning, Anya greeted me with concern which only heightened mine.

8:02 a.m.

“Good morning. I feel like I need to protect myself. I will meet you for tea under one condition.”

After I read her text, I didn’t know how to respond. Protect herself from whom? From what? The man she loved? The man who loved her more than life itself? It brought me back to the time she told me she had a “stalker” as I feared she may start to see me in that same light. I then remembered our electronic discussion regarding Katie and Andrew as I feared I said something that unsettled her or she simply misunderstood. I knew I wasn’t their father, but I cared about them as if I was. Did she think I was mad enough to hurt her, and that’s she needed to protect herself? Worry consumed me as my fingers graced my phone in response.

ME: “Protect yourself?”

ANYA: “Yes, protect myself.”

I didn’t know what to think after she told me, but with all the negative emotions that swirled around me, I sensed our story now neared its conclusion.

My hands then trembled as I held onto my phone for dear life, unable to respond. Why the sudden need to protect herself from me? If she feared anyone, it should be her own husband. Did she no longer trust me after I explained to her how I felt? How much it hurt to know so much about her two wonderful kids; two people she didn’t know she could ever introduce me to. She told me no one would be with her because she had “baggage”, not because she didn’t want another man in their lives. I could understand if I had no direction or goals in life, a deadbeat, but even a man like myself who would treat them as if they were my own? Why would she ever feel a need to protect herself from me? Did my emotions remind her of the guy who stalked her? Did he experience the same things I did with her indecision after being shown so much love too? Is that what drove him to “stalk” her? Did she purposely allow and encourage me to feel all I did for nothing and my finding out now drove the need for her to protect herself? Haunted by the unknown, I reluctantly asked for relief.

ME: “What are you afraid of babe? I don’t understand.”

ANYA: “Promise you won’t tickle me! I’m afraid!”

Tickling? Tickling. I couldn’t believe it.

ME: “I don’t know, babe. I know your weakness now.”

ANYA: “C! You have to promise!”

ME: “Sure. I promise.”

ANYA: “Ok. Don’t come back with “I had my fingers crossed”! I won’t trust your promise after that.”

ME: “You’re no fun anymore. You know all my tricks! Have you been able to schedule a time for your tickling…I mean for your tea tomorrow?”

ANYA: “Ha! I don’t quite have a time yet. The kids have tutoring till 10 and I have to drop them off at home first. I’m thinking 10:30-11ish. Can I tell you tomorrow?”

ME: “Of course babe! Take your time. You got me this morning! I thought I said something else wrong last night! I’ll try to tickle you…I mean, not try to tickle you.”

ANYA: “Yep! Don’t try! JK! I guess you couldn’t read me this morning.”

ME: “I’m really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Have a great day babe! I miss you and I love you.”

ANYA: “Me too! Have a great day! I miss u, I love u!”

Our exchange was a prime example of how my negative emotions caused me to go deaf, blind and dumb all at once at times. How the lack of a promise led to even foolish doubts. I once again resorted to the worst case scenario instead of the real case scenario as this internal struggle took its toll on me. Overall, I chalked it up to what Anya felt as well; that we were lost without our closeness. We experienced the ultimate bond just a week in a half ago, as we became one person and it was hard to be separated as I needed the assurance she felt the same way I did. As the days mounted, so did the fear of abandonment for me. She truly was, in every sense, all I had and all I ever wanted. I couldn’t fathom ever getting this close to someone again. I wanted all I felt to be real. Everything I shared and felt, I wanted it all be real, and when it didn’t feel real, I stumbled out of fear, so much so it blinded me to her light hearted, fun loving, and simple nature I fell so hard for.

Later that morning, Anya confirmed our tea time the following day.

11:00 a.m

“Hi! I’m sorry but I have to change tea time. I may have to go into DP office to clear out the rest of the stuff after tutoring. Can u meet 9:10ish instead?”

ME: “Not a problem at all, babe. Sounds good.”

ANYA: “K! Thank u! I’ll text u first thing to give u the heads up if things change. Remember, you promised!”

ME: “What did I promise?”

ANYA: “Ha ha! Not funny!”

ME: “Babe, how could I promise anything if I didn’t remember making it?”

ANYA: “What? You better not! Maybe I’ll forget we’re meeting tomorrow? My brain is older than urs!”

ME: “Ok, since you put it that way, just for you I’ll put a string around my finger.”

ANYA: “You’re sooo cute!”

ME: “Then again what if the string falls off and I forget? What do I do then? Would you still hold it against me?”

ANYA: “No excuses!”

ME: “String don’t fail me now.”

As behind on work I was, I had zero business taking a vacation, but I needed a recharge in the worst way. I lost a great deal of focus due to my relationship with Anya, and even to a slight degree, even my mother’s cancer news I’d have to bring myself down to earth to. I didn’t have any plans to go anywhere as I just wanted to stay at home and hopefully see Anya as much as her schedule would allow me to.

Even Fridays no longer felt the same to me as I dreaded the weekends when my mind would hold my heart captive. That afternoon though, she sent a text that I hoped helped ease the dread.

4:43 p.m

“Still working baby?”

ME: “I am, but I’m almost home free. How was your day?”

ANYA: “Does ur vacation officially start tonight? My day was steady busy.”

ME: “Yes, and it couldn’t come at a better time. I miss you!”

ANYA: “I’m excited for you! I miss you too!”

ME: “Are you going to see “Twilight” tonight?”

ANYA: “No!!!!! I’m bummed! Katie is going to c it tonight. I decided to finish the 1st book before I go. R u going to read it babe?”

ME: “I think that’s a smart move. I think it would ruin the books for you if you saw the movie. Yes. I picked it up but haven’t started yet. Katie didn’t want to wait until you finished the book to see it with you?”

ANYA: “She decided to see it w/her friends tonite. I’m ok w/it. Chop liver! She wants to see it w/me again this weekend but I want to finish the book 1st.”

ME: “Sorry to hear she didn’t wait for you babe.”

ANYA: “She’s just being a teen. Nothing personal.”

Even though she downplayed it. I’m sure it was hard on Anya when her one time little girl chose to see the movies with her friends instead. Anya and Katie seemed to be close, and to witness her pull away, as Katie began to be influenced by her friends more than her parents, I’m sure added to her need for closeness with me. Another reason I pushed Anya, to consider the future and not just the present. Because her kids would leave her one day; maybe even be states away. And then it would only be her and Jackson. Anya immersed herself in the present so deeply, I struggled to sway her away from today and into tomorrow. As our digital transmissions continued, I asked her if she had any plans on this night.

ANYA: “I’m just hanging. Andrew has a friend over so I’m going to read. I might go over to Debbie’s if I can rally. Any big goals while you’re off?”

ME: “To see you if possible. That’s my big goal.”

ANYA: “I would like to relax w/you on Monday if ok w/you. After tomorrow my days are pretty full w/the Turkey Day coming up.”

ME: “Would love to relax w/you on Monday!”

ANYA: “Ok! Tea time is still up in the air. Can I still let u know in the morning? I will definitely get away just don’t know exactly what time I can.”

ME: “Not a problem! I’m flexible! I miss you!”

ANYA: “K! Thank u! I miss u too! It’s been a week. Seems like a month.”

ME: “Tell me about it! I can’t believe I’m actually going see you tomorrow. I thought Saturday would never come.”

ANYA: “I know! Can u believe it?”

ME: “No. It’s been over a week since I last tickled you. Can’t wait to tickle you tomorrow.”

ANYA: “Know what? You won’t believe this but I have to work all morning so it looks like I won’t be able to make it to Cascade Park!”

ME: “Did I type tickle? I meant trickle. I can’t wait to see our cups trickle with tea! I miss seeing our cups trickling with tea! That’s what I meant to type. I’m sorry.”

ANYA: “Ok I don’t trust you! U better be kidding! U don’t want me to have an “accident” in your car do you? I swear I’ll scream! You’re having fun with this but it’s not funny!”

ME: “How many times do I need to tell you I meant trickle not tickle! I won’t tickle you, I promise. I just tied the string to my finger.”

ANYA: “You promised! I’m serious!”

ME: “You’re not going to believe this but this damn string keeps sliding off!”

ANYA: “What? Ok you’re just having too much fun with this. I should have known! It’s my weakness! I’m not taking responsibilities for “involuntary” reactions like swings!”

ME: “I’ll bring a football helmet to wear just in case! I love you, babe!”

ANYA: “Haha! Going to take a shower and read! I love you babe!”

I didn’t hear back from her for the rest of that Friday evening, and although it bummed me out, overall, we had a fun day together as we exchanged over forty text messages, as each of them sent the subtle reminder she was my best friend.

The next morning, the twenty-second day of November, now smack in the middle of fall, I received a text from her that helped me better plan for my Saturday.

8:56 a.m

“9:15ish!”

And when I arrived in the “Good Morning Café” parking lot, after what seemed like months, I received a text from her.

9:13 a.m

“On my way! Can you get me a hot green tea pleeeez?”

I usually arrived early so I could grab her a drink, but I usually got her an iced tea, so her text couldn’t have been more important to send. I loved it when my day started with Anya, as it just filled my entire day with happiness and gave hope throughout it. I also knew though, when the sun went down, a heartache ensued and threatened to erase the beauty of the day.

When Anya pulled up and exited her black BMW only to fall inside the passenger side seat of my vehicle. She then turned to me with a look of distrust as I rubbed my hands together and stretched out my fingers in response.

“Now remember.” she said as she began to shy away. “You promised.”

“I remember doing something like that.” I said.

“Ok…good!”

“Do I need to take the lid off for verification?”

“Verification?”

“Yes. I promised you a hot green tea, and as you can plainly see.” I said as I slipped the lid off to show her. “hot green tea.”

“That’s not the promise I’m talking about!” she exclaimed. “and you know it!”

I smiled at her as she smiled back at me, as we both knew why we met each other today, and it had nothing to do with a made promise as I put my hand in hers as we drove to Cascade Park. With her hand in mine, she massaged mine within her own, and I tried to savor the moment with her, as our time together more vital as I wondered where her head was at. Technically we were not together, as she wanted to figure out things first, but it was only that; a “technicality” and not the truth.

As I stopped curbside, I couldn’t help but think how everything inside my car at this moment held the truth within it. All the texts. Monday night. Even every tea meeting we ever had, held the truth about her feelings. If it made her feel better to believe we weren’t “together”, then I’d let her view it that way, but the truth was we’ve never been closer. Even more than when she viewed us as being “together”. This particular tea time represented the ultimate truth especially when we considered the good natured fun we had about her kryptonite.

Anya looked just as beautiful to me since the first day I saw her; on the second day of June, nearly eighteen months ago. She left me stunned then and just as stunned now; even more so after I had gotten to know her and all the things we had in common. We were a different version of the same person, but during our lives, we lost our way due to disappointments with love. When we found each other though, we merged back into one as the universe put us back in touch. We had the same viewpoints on a lot of issues, with the exception of one, but I found it easy to align myself to accommodate for the difference. I really didn’t believe, even as doubts crept in from time to time, she would stay with Jackson. I trusted she would eventually find a way to leave. I just didn’t know when that time would come, simply because she was a good person in a very tough spot. At some point, she would reflect upon the actual situation before her and come to the same conclusion I did and refuse to live a lie after all we’ve already shared. She would eventually succumb to a sense of obligation, especially when she admitted she “flipped my life upside down”, and do the right thing; an admission she was responsible for this relationship, as I found her to be empathetic enough to not do the right thing.

As I stopped my car from running and placed my car in park, she leaned over the car’s middle console as our lips spoke to each other; my senses of taste and smell beyond satisified, and in good working order. After twenty minutes passed by, she then pulled away and looked downcast.

“Are you okay?” I asked. “I kept my promise.”

“I’m not pregnant.” she said with a hint of sadness in her tone.

“You sound sad.”

“I am.” she said.

“Could you imagine if you were?” I asked. “It would be hard enough explaining a divorce to Katie and Andrew, let alone throwing that on top of it.”

“You’re right and that’s why it freaked me out that I forgot I was ovulating.” she said. “But it’s hard not to dream of it still.”

“I dream of it too.” I said. “Did you have to go through a pharmacy to get those pills?”

“Yes, but they’re easy to get.” she said. “I’m very fertile and all it takes is one little guy to get in there. I start ovulating fourteen days after I get my period.”

As I nodded with a smile, I began to wonder if it was common for married women to seek the “morning after” pill as she had to have her medical history on record with the pharmacy and a “Mrs.” on her file.

“It’s better than getting an abortion.” she continued.

You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

“I don’t know much about ovulation periods. I never knew they existed before I met you, but I can certainly agree with you there.”

“How’s your mom doing?” she asked.

“She’s doing okay. I haven’t been over the house in a while, but I’ll see her on Turkey Day. Thanks for asking. How are your parents doing?

“They’re doing good, thank you.”

“What page are you on now? What did Katie think about the movie?” I asked.

“I’m stuck on page sixty five!” she said. “She loved it! Said it was a little scary.”

“Really? “Twilight” was a little scary?” I stated with genuine intrigue. “Makes me want to go check it out even more now.”

“Do you like scary movies?”

“I think they’re pretty fun. I loved watching them growing up. I’ve pretty much seen all the popular ones. Do you like scary movies?”

“I don’t.” she said. “I usually have to watch them through my fingers!”

“You didn’t like “The Sixth Sense”?” I asked.

“That was a really good movie, but scary!”

“I think ghost stories are great. I don’t believe in ghosts but they’re interesting.” I said. “I think they’re so far-fetched from reality it’s why they don’t scare me much.”

“I know…I try to avoid scary movies. Traumatized after my parents took me to go see “Dawn of the Dead.” when I was ten. I don’t know what they were thinking!”

“They probably thought it was so far-fetched from their point of view that it wouldn’t affect you.” I said. “For instance, I saw the movie “Jaws” when I was seven. When the movie ended at ten p.m., I couldn’t sleep. But think about it…Jaws? I wasn’t sleeping on a beach! I was in the safety of my bedroom! How the hell is a shark going to come eat me? I guess our parents overestimated our logical reasoning skills at a very young age. But I must say I sure wished they’ve left a slaughterhouse documentary on for me when I was young so I would have turned into a vegetarian!”

“Oh that! The slaughterhouse show was not their fault. I was eight! I watched it on my own not realizing what I was going to witness.”

“You can call it what you want, but you made a good life style choice if you asked me.” I said. “I think the Universe has a plan for us. One we’re unaware of. As if our lives are already predetermined by how we were wired by experiences the unseen forces put before us.” I said. “Like how “Dawn of the Dead” and that slaughterhouse documentary were the things that shaped you into who you are today.”

“I was also traumatized by “Friday the 13th” and “The Exorcist”. I think as a child if you’re not mature or ready, what you watch can have a life long mark.”

“I think “The Exorcist” even traumatized adults.” I said. “Did your parents ever try to get you to eat anything that once had a face?”

“They tried for years, but couldn’t get me to eat meat or fish.” she said. “I think that is why I’m so strict with what my kids watch plus I’m an overprotective mom. You know that. It drives them crazy!”

“Yeah, but they will probably be the same way when they have kids too.” I said. “I think less television is a good thing. So much garbage out there these days and it influences thinking, even logical thinking, especially with all the misinformation floating around on the internet, too.”

“Have you dated a mother with kids before?”

“Never.” I said as I noticed some kids playing in the park. “I hope you can understand how much I love you Anya. It’s why I feel so strongly about things because I know you feel the same for me. You invited me to Katie’s recital, and I went because I wanted to be a part of not only your life, but her life too one day. You have shared so many things about Katie and Andrew with me, I feel like I know them, and it makes me want to know them. This may sound crazy, but I see a lot of myself in Andrew, but I also understand my place. I’m not a replacement, but a supplement to their lives when the day comes, and I wouldn’t want to undermine what you and your husband has instilled in them, your vision for their future. I would only want to assist to help them get there. Over time, I’ve grown to care and love them too. I don’t have to know them to feel that way simply because I know their mother. I still want to hear about their lives. I don’t want you to stop sharing their lives with me. I’d lose a little of what makes me feel special…something I’ve never felt before, but I guess I hope that you consider how badly I want to be with you, and how badly I’d like to know them one day. That’s all. I know what I want. If you still have my words saved to your phone, you know it too. I would love to know them one day. I think I can add to their lives and not deduct from it. They’ve added to my life already and they don’t even know a thing about it.”

“Thank you.” she said. “I want to be with you badly too…but you know, torn. If it was easy Landyn, I’d choose to be with you today, but I have to factor them into my decision…it’s something I need time to figure out. I know how you feel, and I agree you would be a nice addition to their lives.”

“Thanks babe, I needed to hear that.” I said as I leaned in to taste her. “That means a lot to me. So please just know, I love you. You’re my best friend. Don’t stop sharing their lives with me. They are an extension of you that I love to feel connected to.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” I said. “I guess it’s that time, huh? The time I always dread.”

“I don’t like leaving Cascade Park as much as you do.”

“I know.” I said as I feared the dread on the horizon.

As I reluctantly pull away from the comfort of Cascade Park, I realized how much this fall and holiday season felt so much different from last year. For the first time in decades, I truly loved the holiday season as the joy it brought a younger self seemed to surround me. Although I wished Anya and I could be at the park celebrating her pregnancy, instead of talking about the ovulation cycle and the morning after pill; I felt this was possible to have one day, and this pain was a necessary evil to go through in order to get there.

When I reached her car, I went in for a small tickle as Anya playfully laughed and tried to fend me off. Her thousand suns smile always warmed my heart as I wanted to leave her with the impression I wasn’t heartbroken to see her leave. But this holiday season felt like the ones I used to have when I was a kid; when the next day brought so much joy, happiness, wonder and excitement. And just like then I counted down the days to Christmas, I began to count down the days to her promise even as I wondered why it failed to reach me yet. My patience and communication to her were key as I tried to live nobly, and to keep my mind on the prize. With the partnership promotion secured, Anya happiness became my only goal, for the simple fact, it was integral to my own, but I would always choose true love over money as I knew love was much more rare and precious to have.

After Jackson’s confrontation, and even after she “broke” up with me to figure things out, Anya love consumed me like never before as the truth became harder to hide which undoubtedly equated to the lack of “good mornings” and “good nights”. Jackson watched her relentlessly as he aimed to pounce on her happiness, not out of love, but to obtain evidence she was an “unfit” mother, and to use it in court against her if he had to. Jackson became a political business monster, twisted by his allure of power, a trait he always possessed and made no apologies for. He executed the same mentality in his marriage, and if he ever learned Anya double crossed him, even after he ruined her, when it came to money, he’d stand up against a hurricane to take the kids away from her. This is why she disappeared on me at times, to avoid Jackson’s true self, as I tussled back and forth not able to ignore the hurt I felt when she did.

When I returned home and back to my regular life, I texted Anya to thank her for meeting me.

11:21 a.m

“We needed to feel each other. Ur welcome! Thank you for my tea! I love you!”

My vacation had gotten off to a great start simply because of one thing; I got to spend time with the most beautiful woman in this world to me. When I got home, to feel close to her, I lit a candle in my room, and began to read “Twilight”, as if we were both reading in my bed together. After I read the first chapter, I rose from my bed and sprayed a few mists of her perfume on my bedsheets to pretend even more. As I absorbed myself in the story’s second chapter, my phone began to vibrate and brought her even closer.

1:31 p.m

“I miss u.”

ME: “I miss u too. How is your day going? I loved having you in my eyes again.”

ANYA: “It went well. Back from the new corporate headquarters now running around. It was very nice to c u!”

ME: “I thought you had to go to the old office then to the new one today? Right?”

ANYA: “Yes, 1st old corporate office then off to the new one. Furniture install in the new corporate office this weekend. We cleaned out the old office early this morning before I saw you. Miss u. Gtg for now. Andrew’s friends are over. I love you!”

ME: “Miss u and love u too!”

As I laid on my bed, surrounded by candlelight and perfume mist, I felt remarkably sad as she transitioned herself back into Jackson’s employee and wife, as I plunged back into a cold dark reality. I then felt “technical”, as I focused on her response to “I loved having her in my eyes again.” as I felt it deserved something more than “It was very nice to see you.”. The Anya I knew a month ago would have met me there in some way romantically, but maybe Jackson watched her and it took her romantic side away as she couldn’t really respond in kind? Taken into consideration, she just helped with the company move made it logical, but even my deduction skills did nothing to deduct the sadness for me. At what point did my empathy straddle the thin line of stupidity?

When the sun fell, I the dread I felt was pronounced as a blood moon in a dark sky. I knew I had to leave my apartment as my torturous mind took me to the place we met nearly a year ago to the day, Sonomas. I just hoped Mitch wouldn’t be there with an “I told you so” as I wasn’t in any mood for his antics.

As I entered the bar area, nothing seemed different about it, which made me feel good, as I felt transported in time to the night I met Anya. I then walked back into “Our office” and stood by the wall, and visualized the moment she leaned against, when she gazed up at me with love in her eyes as tears filled them, and asked me if I would fight for her. From that moment on, every day that passed since, I kept my promise. For twenty four hours a day, I fought for her to see the truth behind the façade of her marriage as I fought my own mind and its negativity, and rallied with positive thoughts and empathy. However, I didn’t expect to die, a little more each day, without her in my life. A dull existence without a promise from her. I became sickened to think there was a time she loved another man the way she loved me, and to know that technically, she remained with him, burned me alive to acknowledge that reality. That while I stood in “our office”, with the knowledge I’d give my life to have her with me, she was at home decorating Katie’s room, and possibly spending time with him in celebration of a successful move. And even though I believed if she had the choice she would choose “our office”, as it became a suite, more than an office to me, the fact was, all I had while I stood there alone were only memories and hope.

After an hour passed, I had the courage to step outside into the “scene”. I then ordered a Corona, the drink Anya ordered the night she met me, and stood in the middle of the standing area as college football highlights played on the multiple flat screens stationed above me. I suddenly felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and rushed my hands to retrieve it in great anticipation, with memories and hope.

9:39 p.m

“Goodnight baby.”

After I read her message I felt better, but guilty at the same time. Now that Anya had me on her mind too, and with that safety, I decided to leave Sonomas. But before I could a woman’s voice pierced the air around me.

“How are you?” she asked.

“I’m good.” I said as I tried to show my zero interest.

“You looked bored so I thought I would come say “hi”.” she said.

I didn’t want to be rude to the thin blonde hair, blue-eyed girl before me. Before I met Anya, I would have stayed and talked with her, but my heart refused to allow it.

“I only stopped by for a quick beer” I said.

“I see. Are you married and needed some alone time?” she asked.

“Oh no. I’m not married.”

“I see. Are you single?”

“I have a girlfriend.” I said.

“I see.” she said. “Okay, well I guess I’ll let you get back to being a human statue.”

“Someone’s gotta do it.” I cracked. “Thanks for saying hello. Have a nice evening.”

“You too.” she said as she walked away and then fell away from my life forever.

When I wasn’t in love with Anya, to have any woman talk to me, let alone approach me, and start a conversation, was a near Halley’s comet event, but I guess that’s what love did; it made me aloof. Anya’s love made you care about nothing but the one you loved. It silenced you from the desire to talk to anyone else. Anya was married and struggled everyday with how if affected her children for the last eleven months. Sure, I was unhappy with her pull away, and I even had a right to talk to other women if she couldn’t commit a promise to me, I found it a great act of disrespect when I considered all she struggled with, and I respected her situation and circumstances to put my loneliness ahead of her. Although I loved her too much for another woman to enter my stream of consciousness, I found it equally disrespectful considering all she struggled with.

As these thoughts floated in my mind, and before I could make a clean break, I heard a familiar voice.

“Hey! I knew you’d be back!” Mitch bellowed as he balanced himself upon my shoulder.

“I’m not back, Mitch.” I snapped.

“What the fuck?” He slurred. “You mean you’re still together?”

“Yes.” I told him, nodding with widened eyes and flashing a smile.

“Even at ninety-eight two?”

“Even at ninety-eight two.”

“Well, I guess it’s true what they say.”

“What’s true?”

“Misery loves company.”

“She just needs time.” I quipped.

“Apparently! He cracked. “Apparently, she needs a life time!”

“Whatever.”

He then patted me on the back.

“You’re just that low earnin’ relief pitcher sittin’ in the bullpen—never good enough to start. A career back-up quarterback.” he ripped. “And how do I know this? Because I’ve played those roles before. I’m gonna predict I’ll see you more often next year.”

“That’s your prediction?”

“That’s my prediction.”

“I love her; I didn’t get involved to sleep with her.” I reminded him yet again. “I think you’re wrong and we’ll be together next year—you’ll never see me in here again.”

He then took a hearty sip from his multi-colored beverage. I didn’t know what he drank but I could smell it on his breath when he got into my face.

“She isn’t leaving him, Landyn.” he belched, wiping his mouth with his forearm. “She’ll just come up with another excuse not to.”

“I disagree.”

“Hey! Janice!” he broke away as he grabbed the hand of a girl who passed by. “Tell your friend Mitch wants to see her here next weekend.”

“She’s busy next weekend!” she yelled.

“Tell her she needs to get out next weekend, no excuses!” he said. “You tell her that!”

The girl responded with a hand wave, a gesture that ignored his drunken prowess as it provided a reminder how much I didn’t miss this.

“Well, I gotta get out of here.” I said.

“Good seeing you, Land. I’m going to set sail for vagina land.”

“You do that.”

“Enjoy hand land.” he cracked. “See you soon.”

I then shook my head at him and headed out for the night. A bouncer who worked at the club when I frequented it gave me a fist bump before I left into the night and into the dreariness of all Mitch could very well be right about, as much as I refused to believe it.

The next morning, I received an unusual upbeat text from her.

8:18 a.m

“Good morning baby!”

ME: “Good morning! How r u?”

ANYA: “I’m good! How r u? How was your night?”

After I read her text I said to myself. “Really? She was good?” How I could be so sad and she be so “good”. Did she feel any of the same things I did? Did she feel the same sense of loneliness last night after our day together? I was on vacation and still felt sad. Then again, would I want her to feel sad all because I did? Was that the point of having me in her life? To feel sad all the time? I guess I wanted to have my sadness validated.

ME: “I’m tired! I went out last night. How was your night?”

ANYA: “Where did you go? My night was busy. I ended up having fifteen crazy boys from Andrew’s soccer team over for swimming. They broke pictures, glasses, threw cake, etc.. boys!”

ME: “OMG! It sounds like you had a frat party at your house last night! Too many zero point zeroes! Is the house a disaster area? Do you have to call Hazmat? I went to Sonomas last night for a little bit.”

ANYA: “Ha! Not too bad!”

After this last text from Anya, I didn’t hear back from her and she didn’t even make any mention or remarks about Sonomas which surprised me. It was the place we met. The place we connected and reconnected. I felt like I had done something wrong by going there without her so I refused to let go of her on this morning.

ME: “Did you get a chance to read yesterday? How does your day look today?”

ANYA: “Didn’t get a chance to read yesterday. A little busy today. U?”

ME: “I didn’t get a chance to read either. I missed you last night you know

ANYA: “I missed you too.”

ME: I went into “our office” for an hour. It was empty. I don’t like seeing anyone in there. I feel like that’s our personal place. I love you.”

ANYA: “Why did you go into “our office”? Idk why but I get a little sad when u go to Sonomas. I have no right or reason to but I do. Maybe it’s jealousy.”

ME: “I think you have every right to feel sad. It would be disrespectful of me to not consider your feelings towards it, and I’m glad you feel that way because it lets me know you care about those things like I do. If I had known it would make you feel sad I wouldn’t have gone. I won’t go anymore. I have no reason to anyway. I was just trying to feel less lonely and it was a way to feel closer to you. That’s all.”

ANYA: “Oh no babe! Don’t stop going because of me! I shouldn’t have said anything! U can do whatever u want! I don’t want u to not go if your friends want you to go! I miss u.”

ME: “I know babe but it makes no sense for me to go if I’m sad about being there and it has nothing to do with what you just told me. I met the love of my life there and it’s not the same anymore. All I want is to see you walk through that door, and if you’re not there, it’s not the place I want to be. I miss u too babe.”

ANYA: “Thank you, babe. Btw, Katie told me when a vampire bites you and drinks ur blood, u die, but if he just bites u, the venom spreads throughout your body and u become a vampire.”

ME: “So what Katie is basically saying is you’re f*cked either way.”

ANYA: “In so many words, babe.”

ME: “Duly noted. Thank you, Katie.”

This particular exchange left me with an overall good feeling, but I hated to think the revelation of my whereabouts the night prior made her feel sad when she was in such good spirits before she texted me. However, I found safety to know she felt jealousy, that the thought of me with someone else hurt her as much as it hurt me to imagine her with Jackson. I needed to know we were connected in that way, and I didn’t care what people told me; the woman struggled with hurting her kids every single day and she had every right and reason, after all we’ve shared, to feel the way she did. Again, it would have been a great act of disrespect to not acknowledge her struggle and just go out and have the time of my life with someone else, which I couldn’t do with all these feelings for her even if I tried. Never a divorcee; always the widower.

Later on that cozy Sunday afternoon, Anya text me to see what I was up to. Guilt filled me after I told her “lounging around” while she cleaned up the ransacking that took place at her house the prior evening. She then told me she could meet me at eleven that following morning which rejuvenated me as I felt inspired to read some more of “Twilight” in a candle lit room. After dinner, I decided to go to the bookstore, something I always did more often since Anya mentioned her husband only took her there twice in twenty-one years. The bookstore had an author, Deepak Choprah, there to sign his latest book. I didn’t know much about it or much about him, for that matter. As I walked the upstairs perimeter, I heard him speak some gibberish about his book for about ten minutes then quickly tuned him out because I didn’t really care who he was anyway. When I told Anya where I was and his presence and mumbo jumbo, she stepped in to enlighten me.

8:18 a.m

“Is the bookstore crowded? Did you listen? Too zen? I’m on pg. 120.”

ME: “Idk. It’s not too crowded I guess. I listened for about five minutes then lost interest. I’m not sure who he is. Do you know of him?”

ANYA: “He writes inspirational life’s lesson, motivating books. U know, like the peace worker, Ghandi.”

ME: “Interesting. I’ve heard of him but didn’t know what he was known for. I thought he was like Dr. Wayne Dyer or someone similar. Looks like you’re flying through the book. I’m on Pg. 43. How’s do you like it so far?”

ANYA: “Getting there! It’s just ok so far. Hoping it will pick up. I have to be open minded b/c u know I don’t love silly fiction books.”

ME: “Oh I see what you mean. I need to know what I’m in store for.”

ANYA: “Well they decided to go to Seattle for a day! Takes place in a town called Forks in Washington where it rains a lot. Made me think of u!”

ME: “Ahhh. Seattle! Looks like Deepak Choprah is promoting a diet book he authored.”

ANYA: “Maybe he’s really picky about his food? I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s a strict vegetarian, vegan or even a raw foodist. He’s all about nature and zen.”

ME: “Well, I wouldn’t know but he’s all about pens and people today! I’ll go ask him if he’s a strict vegetarian. I’ll let you know.”

ANYA: “Ok u do that!”

ME: “Is “Twilight” romantic at all?”

ANYA: “Well, it’s not romantic yet. I’m still waiting. It’s very high school so far.”

ME: “That’s what I got from it too as well.”

ANYA: “I better go! Kids are calling me to start the movie. Have a nice night. Oh, one more thing. You have to promise me again!”

ME: “Ok! Let me find my string and get back to you! Enjoy the movie! I love you!”

ANYA: “Ha! You better! Thank u! I love you!”

Although I didn’t receive a “good night” text from her, I felt the day was a positive one overall from her. People would argue, “Geez, Landyn you could send her a “good night” text too”, but I was a “distraction” to her and felt if she didn’t wish me a “good night” or a “good morning”, there was a reason for it; She didn’t want to be distracted. I also needed Anya to “run the show” because that showed I was on her mind. I also didn’t want to feel like an obligation to her so I decided to lay low communicative wise. As much as it hurt at times, I had to do things this way because anytime she did reach out, it only strengthened my argument for her to leave. If I texted her all the time, she would feel obligated to respond, but if she initiated contact, the real Anya spoke to me too, the one who truly loved me and wanted to talk to me; not out of obligation.

The next morning, I didn’t have to worry about not receiving a “good morning” text.

8:28 a.m

“Good morning! Can we meet around 10:30ish?”

ME: “Good morning! We sure can! Can’t wait!”

ANYA: “Me too!”

As I waited for her, and did my usual prep for her visit, I began to reread some old texts from her I saved on my phone. In particular I reread the ones she sent me a month ago, on October twenty third, the day she watched the movie “Unfaithful” and decided to break things off with me. As I reread them, I focused on the positive things, and I began to feel bad for giving her such pushback. My world crashed around me that day, as I felt suddenly abandoned. It brought to light my low self-esteem issues, and in hindsight I wished I had just said “whatever makes you happy”, but at the same time it didn’t sound like I loved her if I did. If I couldn’t fight for the greatest love, then what could I ever fight for? How could anyone in this position pretend to be okay with this? I regretted the grief I gave her but it came out of all fields, not just left. Everything I felt for Anya, all of it, was a first for me. I felt like a baseball player coming from Rookie ball right into the majors; I just didn’t know what to expect. We both flew from the seat of our pants and dealt with so many foreign raw emotions, strewn with stress and fatigue from our everyday lives. The only solace we had were in each other and for that to be threatened, was impossible to accept. Anya had all the control in the relationship, but I willingly gave her the upper hand because I trusted her with it. I trusted her love even at times I doubted it, as I realized my fault was in how I tried to hold it together for her happiness more than my own.

Anya showed up eleven minutes late but looked as beautiful as always. From the moment she entered my apartment, until the time she left, we were lost in each other physically, as the gap between us over the past week was closed shut. Over the last eleven months, our lips touched for extended periods of time, so you would think that level of attraction to each other sailed past us, but it only reignited our love without any ovulation fears. After we tended to our needs for a little over two hours, and as she laid in my arms, our eyes found each other.

“I’m not pregnant, babe.” she said.

“So, you’re telling me…we’re not having a baby?”

“No, we’re not having a baby.” she said sweetly as her eyes softened.

I then brought my lips to hers and ran my right hand gently through her hair in adoration.

“It’s hard to believe we’ve been together for almost a year.” she stated.

“I know. Just six days away now.” I said. “We’ve shared so much, it’s hard to believe only a year has passed.”

“I’m crazy in love with you.” she said distinctly yet softly.

“Still?” I teased.

“Since December ninth of last year.” she smiled.

“I’m crazy in love with you too. My feelings have only gotten stronger.” I said. “I think if we ever got married. They might have to pry me away from you after they tell me “You can now kiss the bride”. That could potentially be the longest kiss in wedding history. We might have to extend a wedding invitation to the Guinness Book of World Records.”

She laughed then crashed her lips into mine as we began to roar from inside once more. When the time came for her to leave, my left arm pulled her back at least a half dozen times as her laughter and love for me increased each time. Even though she arrived later than usual, she stayed later than she usually did as my vacation reached its apex. When I found myself alone in my bed, I fixated my eyes upon the ceiling, as if in a trance, as candle light danced around me. Just when I thought I couldn’t feel greater than I already did, I felt and experienced even more. After her visit, almost a year into our relationship, there could be no logical reason she could let me go, as even when she tried to, she couldn’t; The truth too great for an honest person to hold inside’ A promise had to follow soon, no later than next year, to prove Mitch wrong about his prognosis of our relationship. Each time Anya pulled away, like a magnetic force, she found her way back to me, and even closer to the sun. Twice she tried, and twice the truth brought her back home into my arms. We had all the pieces in place to make it, she just needed to be brave enough to take one last step to a promise, and the Universe would take care of the rest.