“Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?

Hot ashes for trees?

Hot air for a cool breeze?

Cold comfort for change?

Did you exchange a walk on part in the war

For a lead role in a cage?”

~ “Wish You Were Here” Pink Floyd

When I woke up the next morning, I was surprised to see a text from Anya as it gave me hope she made her true feelings known to her husband after he confronted her.

7:50 a.m.

“Good morning! Sorry about last night. How r u?”

ME: “Good morning! No need to apologize to me about last night, Sweetheart. The more important question is how are you? What did he have to say?”

ANYA: “He suspects something. He said I haven’t been the same for over a year. We got into it about the past and how it sucked for me and idk how I can get past it.”

I didn’t know what to think about the information she gave me. I guess I hoped to hear a “play by play” of the conversation that showed her anger and resentment towards him rather than just a summary of what happened as it seemed she conceded to him a little bit. Her text made me wonder if she hadn’t been the same for over a year, what was she like before she met me or even Lance, the romantic singer? My low self-esteem, brought upon by my past, gave me the sick helpless feeling she would fail this test of love for me. That this confrontation would put enough fear inside her head to force her to work on things with him, a total contradiction of all that was communicated to me over the now nearly last ten months we’ve been together. I felt it just shouldn’t have taken me being in her life for this kind of conversation to take place as I was led to believe she always felt this way about him long before she met me. Now in pure defense mode, I set myself up for possibly more disappointment and doubt after I shot a simple question her way.

ME: “Has he done anything else I’m not aware of?”

ANYA: “He hasn’t done anything else but what I told you. He’s been a good provider and a good father. He is not a mean person. He made those mistakes in the past.”

After I read this text, I became mortified by what I perceived to be her defense of him, as if his infidelities were not only condoned but even pardoned; information she never relayed to me when we first met. If those mistakes he made were truly in the past, then why was I in her present? If these mistakes were truly in the past, why did she feel compelled to approach me at a bar and make a date to make me aware of them? In an effort to stave off my rapidly depleting level of sanity, I fought to understand his ability to be a good provider and a good father was never in question, however I also knew a man with his wealth could easily be both as he simply should be those things. What made it most sensible however was the fact he needed to be a third thing as well; a good husband, and that I knew he was not as this third thing did not require wealth but only character and integrity. If he truly was not a “mean person” in her eyes, then why did she tell me these horrific things about him and pursue all we’ve shared? Why would she carry on like this if he truly wasn’t a “mean person”? Sure, he wasn’t a “mean person” in the sense he was good to his kids and to everyone else he depended on for his living, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t a “mean person” to his wife. If he truly was not a “mean person” why did Carolyn and Debbie adore me? If he truly wasn’t a “mean person” then he had to be a psychopath, because in my opinion, nice people generally didn’t go around cheating on their wives when they’re pregnant and raping them of their happiness in life. Nice people generally didn’t go around breaking up the marriages of others especially when they had a pregnant wife and child at home; only sick people did that. After all the emotional abuse she endured from a person she deemed not to be a “mean person”, how is he still considered a nice person solely because he is not mean to her children and potential clients? The answer to that question was simple; his emotional abuse felt normal to her because she had gotten so used to it; so used to it in fact, a regular faithful and considerate man like myself was “extraordinary” in her eyes. I’m sure Jackson was good to his children, and his love for his children wasn’t up for debate, but shouldn’t that be expected from a father? What did his children do to deserve a “mean person” as a father? The fact she also looked upon his multiple gross infidelities as “mistakes” rather than conscious choices and decisions, made what she texted me even more perplexing because it sounded like she had forgiven him for them as I feared a reconciliation without my knowledge. I even got the sense she was going to pull away from me as for the first time my mind fed me with the thought I was misled by her, and she misrepresented her true feelings for her husband and about her marriage to me. I then rebelled against this thought as her text also showed the toll his emotional abuse took on her. I further began to reason why would she purposely mislead me to pursue a full-blown relationship and fall deeply in love with another man if he she truly didn’t view him as a “mean person”? Even though my low self-esteem tried to tell me otherwise, why would she have any reason to do that to me, a man who respected and loved her so much? I had to further recognize her husband was a salesman, and it’s how he made his living. He was so good at selling himself, he nearly sold her on losing an arm if he could change things, yet the other evening was unwilling to move a finger to help her in the kitchen. Even though her text left me in a state of confusion, what would be her motive for being a “mean person” to me if she at least felt he was a “mean person” to her? Before I could send her a text in response I really had no idea how to respond to, she sent me another with more clarification.

ANYA: “I can’t help the fact I’m no longer in love with him. He chipped away at my heart for years. I’ve been hanging on for the kids. I have a lot of anger.”

After I read her words, I felt relieved and thankful she sent this to fully round out her previous text as a nice person would have never been able to chip away at her heart for years. It seemed Anya was taking the very high road by saying he was not a “mean person” to give me the impression she didn’t fall in love with me to retaliate. It was hard to ignore the fact she did carry a lot of “anger” though as it led me to fear this could very well solely be an act of revenge against him therefore she never had intentions to leave him, but would she purposely fall deeply in love with another man just to get back at him? Redemption and not revenge was what I believed our relationship represented because it was love based, and not lust based, but if she did allow me into her life just for vengeful purposes, it would simply entail her leaving me and going back to him. I had to acknowledge I got my hopes up his confrontation would upset her enough to leave him or at least ask for a separation, but after their “big fight” it left me disappointed that never happened. That it even seemed the “big fight” was an attempt to reconcile, and I couldn’t help but feel misled as if she misrepresented her feelings about her marriage to me. Again, I didn’t know how to respond as my empathetic self reasoned if he chipped away at her heart for years, there was no way she would trust him with it ever again. I wouldn’t mind, and even encourage her to work on things with him if that’s what she wanted, but after the last ten months? I walked away from her with the mindset she could work things out with him nearly ten months ago, but now after all we’ve shared I knew too much about her unhappiness. I felt the proper thing to tell him at this point was “I’m only here for the kids and if you can live with that then it’s your call, but we’re through.” It sounded to me she was giving him a sliver of hope that she could somehow “get past it” and to say I wasn’t disheartened would be a tremendous lie to myself.

ANYA: “Carolyn and Debbie just thinks I fell out of love that’s all. Of course, they think I’m being a little selfish because they don’t know the story.”

Upon learning Jackson Caiaphas was Anya’s husband, I understood better why Anya never told Carolyn and Debbie about his infidelities as it seemed to be mostly a networking and business move, but even as the knowledge of his infidelities had the power to affect possible future business relationships, I began to think what if she never told Carolyn and Debbie because she seriously had no intentions to ever leave Jackson regardless of all we shared? By not telling Carolyn and Debbie the exact truth, Anya in essence did not really protect the man she claimed to love as it made me appear like a home wrecker to them; as if I would have never considered how her children or a faithful husband, would be affected if I dated her, and that deeply affected me. After these series of texts, it burned me inside to think it was more important to protect the man who dishonored, disrespected, shamed and emotionally abused her than to protect the man who would never do such a thing, but again, why would she do that to me of all people?

ME: “Well, if you need me. I’m here.”

ANYA: “Thank you for being there for me. Guess what? I might be able to lightly kiss you on Friday. Carolyn put me on a strong anti-viral med. I love you!”

After all she informed me of, I was surprised she still planned to come visit me on Friday, and even more shocked Carolyn seemed to rally behind us. Her plans led me to believe I took her “big fight” with her husband too personally because I held the hope she would be inspired to tell him she wanted a divorce afterwards, however it seemed she had no interest in working things out with her husband if she planned to come see me on Friday after all they discussed, and even more so if she asked Carolyn to help her just so she could kiss me. As the day went on though as I felt a little withered inside from her drama, I believed she sensed I feared her argument with Jackson represented an airing of grievances more than a resolution to change her marital status.

2:05 p.m.

“I love you forever.”

When I received this text, my heart perked up and somersaulted in my chest, however my mind intruded upon its celebration to let me know they were only words. At any rate, I decided to trust my heart and focus on all we’ve shared together instead, and to look at things positively. To know she couldn’t hide her feelings for me from him, so much so he noticed a change in her over the last year, was a victory for my heart and our love. I had to also consider she never pulled away nor ran away from me. She in fact, never changed after he confronted her and continued to love me the same, if not more regardless of her husband’s feelings as if they didn’t matter. With this adjusted positive outlook, I decided to go out and buy the book “Nights in Rodanthe” to read, in case I didn’t get a chance to see the movie, so at least we could talk about it as I wanted to feel closer to her.

When the sun rose to bring about a new day, Anya apologized for her disappearance the previous evening, but Andrew wanted to show her his wallet business and the website he created which she described as “hilarious”. When I warned her I was reading “Nights in Rodanthe” she let me know she had no time to read it, but she did plan a date with the girls to see the movie during the upcoming weekend. She then cut our textversation short as she had to get into her kickboxing class because she was testing for a belt on this morning. I text her quickly to let her know I would catch the movie at night time if I went to see it, and wished her good luck on the belt test. She responded to my text about an hour later.

10:19 a.m.

“Belt test went well! In the movie I think the husband leaves the wife for a few years then comes back. You’d see the movie late on a weeknight b/c u might cry or b/c it’s gay?”

ME: “Glad to hear your test went well! No, I like to go at night because there’s less people. I could put my feet up and relax usually in an empty theater. Not a big fan of crowded theaters or crowds for that matter. Would it be okay with you if I took a look at Andrew’s website?”

ANYA: “Oh I c. Andrew’s website is tapedproducts.com. Now it’s funny b/c it was created by a couple of little guys. The literature is sooo written by an 11 y/o, cute.”

ME: “I look forward to checking it out! I’m just impressed he had the wherewithal to create a website regardless of how the literature reads.”

ANYA: “Couldn’t help but give him a little constructive criticism. He took it well and decided he was going to work on his website this weekend with his friend. You’ll see why.”

ME: “I’m not reading it to judge him, babe. It’s only in support.”

ANYA: “I’m embarrassed by his poor writing skills! I have to remember he’s only 11. I’m not stepping in at all. It’s all fun and a good experience for him.”

ME: “He’s already a success with his venture in my book. Btw “Nights in Rodanthe” is pretty good so far.”

ANYA: “Really? I bet the book is better than the movie. We’re going to see it on Saturday at 2:20.”

ME: “Cool! Oh, and for the record, with the exception of when I was a child, I’ve never cried in front of anyone before but you.”

ANYA: “That’s sooo hard to believe!”

ME: “What is?”

ANYA: “That I’m the only one who’s really seen u cry.”

ME: “I don’t cry often, babe. It never happens even when I’m alone. That’s how comfortable I feel around you. How much I trust you.”

ANYA: “I’m touched babe. I love you.”

ME: “I love you too. Oh well, I better get back to work here.”

ANYA: “Let me ask you this before you get back to work. Did you listen to love songs and watch love movies before we met? If yes, you didn’t cry?”

ME: “I’ve cried once watching a love movie before we met. I think it was “The Last American Virgin.” I’ve never cried listening to a love song before, but I must admit I’m more prone to getting choked up a little bit when I listen to them and when I watch movies because of the way I feel about you.”

ANYA: “I know what you mean. I feel everything now too and I can’t help but think of you when I listen to love songs or watch romantic movies. I used to cry for the characters in the movie but now I cry for us.”

ME: “I feel the same way. I’ve replaced the characters with us and it hits me when I least expect it. If there is anything that proves I’m completely in love with you it’s crying during movies that never made me feel anything before I met you.”

ANYA: “That’s beautiful babe. I’m completely in love with you too.”

I’ve teared up during a romance movie one time before, but now I actually lived through the characters and understood their struggles on a deeply emotional level. I guess there was a chance I could cry in a crowded theater during “Nights in Rodanthe” if I saw it, but it really wasn’t the reason why I desired to see it alone. There was always a “macho” side to me as far as my tears were concerned, but around Anya, I didn’t know who I would be trying to fool by holding them in as I felt she had the right to them. She always made me feel extremely comfortable within my own skin and when she revealed how much movies and music now affected her, I felt even closer to her. To be affected and to feel the same things made our connection not only beautiful but truly not of this earth as it provided me with the safety she was in this just as deeply and was just as vulnerable to heartbreak as I was, and for me to hold back my tears would be an act of injustice towards her. Romantic movies and nearly every love song, even the ones I never liked before I met her, now had meaning as I had her face in my mind for each and every one of them.

Before I left work that night, I decided to check out Andrew’s website. I guess I had super low expectations due to Anya’s assessment of it being comical, but the level of detail he put into it and how he grabbed a potential customer into considering his product distracted me from any comedic aspect. Sure, there were some typos here and there, but the overall vision and concept he created was advanced for an eleven-year old as it left me nothing but wholly impressed. When Anya text me later to inform me a new season of “Grey’s Anatomy”, her favorite show, started on this evening and that her kids were instructed not to bug her after eight p.m., I told her what impressed me about Andrew’s website.

6:24 p.m.

“That’s a nice way of looking at it. Of course as a mom, I see the mistakes (grammar usage, sp, etc). I haven’t said anything else. I’m proud of him.”

ME: “You should definitely be proud. He’s really ahead of the game and the level of detail and the passionate way he described his product regardless of the mistakes is impressive. People can always fix typos but his overall vision and his presentation of it you just can’t teach. He knew his product and how to get an emotional response from people to generate interest, and you either have that or you don’t.”

I believe good parents will not only be critical of their kids because they feel it is a reflection of them, but also because they want them to be successful in life. Andrew included a detailed list of all the designs he and his business partner were working on, and also provided a way for custom orders to be placed, and I found that very intuitive for just an eleven year old. It brought me back to a time when I was his age when I had his same ambition and drive. When I felt so alive being a part of a world where anything and everything was possible. His grammar could always be corrected, and he could always pay someone to edit his site if he needed to, but there were some things in people you just couldn’t teach as the words he chose displayed his confidence in the quality of his product and the passion for what he sold. I felt Anya needed to build on that without just stating the obvious to him all because of typographical errors we all made from time to time. As much as I loved to write, even I still made a ton of grammatical errors, so I guess I was more in tune with that part of it. Andrew was already well ahead of the curve in life at just eleven years of age, and I felt he needed a reinforcement of his confidence; something I never had as I was often told I was a loser by my father over the years as a way to motivate me. I feel if you pick that up at a young age, you will carry it with you like a curse throughout your life like I have. Of course, he should be introduced to humility at times, but never to a lack of confidence in the pursuit of his dreams. I didn’t want Andrew to ever know this burden of low self-esteem as I found it hard to not live vicariously through him at times such as these. While I continued to dwell on these thoughts, Anya sent me a text.

7:20 p.m.

“I’m so impressed with you. I learned something today and I thank you.”

ME: “What did I do?”

ANYA: “You pointed out the positive when you saw the website. I didn’t until you pointed it out! You’re wonderful!”

ME: “This might be a little surprising but I’m generally a positive person! His grammar will get better over time, babe, but I saw something in his website you just can’t teach.”

ANYA: “Thanks babe! I better go! Lots to do before the show starts! Goodnight! I love you!”

The night couldn’t have ended on a better note for me as I prepared for her visit the following day; a day of great interest for us as I hoped to find out in more detail what she and Jackson discussed two nights earlier.

When she arrived at the gate, dressed in my favorite blouse and blue jeans with dark hair that glorified the sun, she had her pouty face on for some reason.

“What’s wrong babe?” I asked with concern.

Without saying a word, she pointed to a small blemish on the left side of her upper lip with her hand curled in the shape of a fist.

“Who are you?” I asked. “Virgil?”

“Virgil? Who’s Virgil?” she asked with confusion on her face.

“Virgil. The chimp from the movie “Project-X” that did sign language.” I said as I imitated the sign language he performed in the movie. “He would always do some hand gesture against the side of his cheek like this with his hand curled up. I think it meant “apple”.”

“Babe. I’m showing you my cold sore!” she laughed. “I wish I was just doing the sign for apple!”

“Oh!” I said. “I can barely see it! Are you sure you have a cold sore?”

“I’m sure!” she said as she came into my arms and buried her head into my chest.

I forgot about her cold sore as it was just irrelevant to me whenever she visited. I loved kissing her but I really loved just being with her as being in her presence made me the happiest man alive, the strangest feeling this introvert had ever experienced. I then walked hand in hand with true beauty by my side, and once we got inside my apartment Anya looked around happily as if she had just arrived home from a long trip away. I grabbed her purse gently off her shoulder and laid it on my kitchen countertop as she then came into my arms. We held each other for a minute as we found solace in our embrace before she moved her eyes up into mine.

“You smell really good.” she said. “You smell like Landyn.”

“Why, thank you!” I responded. “It’s something I try to do from time to time.”

“What are we going to do, babe?” she said. “I can’t really kiss you.”

“I know. That does create a dilemma for us. Quite the conundrum.” I said. “But…I got an idea.”

“What?” she asked incredulously.

I then took her hand and led her slowly into my candlelit bedroom. From there we both knew what to do as she took her usual spot on the left side of my bed, but before taking mine I put in a DVD, Jim Gaffigan’s comedy special “King Baby”, and turned on the flat screen. I truly didn’t know how Anya would take to Jim Gaffigan’s stand-up topics, but she did enjoy his “Hot Pockets” sketch I performed for her at Maestros a couple of months ago, so I thought she might enjoy it.

During the next hour that passed while Jim Gaffigan talked about bowling and different kinds of foods such as cake and bacon, little did I come to realize I would fall more in love with Anya as she laughed heartily at nearly everything that poured out of his mouth. There were a lot of memorable times with her at my apartment over the last ten months, however this visit in particular was the most special because it simply encapsulated the very essence of our relationship as she appeared to have the time of her life. To capture her happiness within my sight, to hear her laughter, to feel her tug at me and bury her head in my chest, left me with the feeling we had just made love, as she touched my very soul. I knew after this visit, after all the laughter and pure bliss without making love it was now official…we were truly one as I felt we were both in this for the right reasons regardless of the wrong timing.

As I turned the DVD off as she now prepared to leave, and with reddened eyes caused from her laughter, she walked over, came into my arms, slyly covered her lip with her finger and lightly kissed me.

“Carolyn said I could do it.” she said. “She said it would be okay.”

“Gotta love that woman.” I said.

“You know, when my husband talked to me the other night.” she spoke as she changed the subject. “I told him he should’ve married a stripper, and me, a college professor.”

“I think that sounds about right.” I said as I smiled unsure where she was headed.

“If my husband has concrete evidence of us…I’m going to let it go.”

“Let what go, babe?” I asked with dread.

“My marriage.” she said. “I won’t hang on for the kids anymore.”

“If I wasn’t in your life, and you experienced all we have together with another man. Knowing all I know about your unhappiness and the past.” I said as I gazed into her eyes. “I would still believe that’s the right thing to do.”

Anya and Jackson were simply two different people and the separation between them was now greater than ever before as their gross infidelities now provided enough evidence for me to make this accurate assessment. I was never an advocate for people to divorce, but I was however an advocate for people who truly loved each other, and although I did not truly believe in God, I felt if there was one, He would agree to be too.

“He’s had suspicions about me ever since Lance.” she admitted.

“Really?” I asked with genuine surprise. “How so?”

“I hired Lance to perform at a party for a state official…a constituent of my husband’s.” she said. “That’s when we became close...during the interview process.”

“How would your husband ever know to suspect something though? Did he hire a private investigator?”

“No.” she stated. “The party fell on the same night as my birthday and he got suspicious when Lance sang me “Happy Birthday”. Lance doesn’t do that for free. That’s why he questioned it.”

As I took in Anya’s story, I couldn’t understand why Jackson even held on for this long as the trust in his marriage was completely non-existent. How was this behavior tolerable for either spouse, even for Jackson? What did their children stand to gain by both of them living such a false life? If they didn’t believe marriages were realistic, did they have an open relationship agreement in place with the caveat to never fall in love? Or were they a part of a secret society of some kind that condoned such behavior but forbid divorce? Was I allowed to know of this world but to never be a part of it? An insider yet always on the outside?

“He was suspicious of Lance back then, and he believes he’s out of the picture now but he also believes someone has taken his place.” she elaborated.

“I see.”

I then began to fear, probably irrationally, what if Anya had dated me so she could still date Lance without any arousal of Jackson’s suspicion? Since I was such a normal guy with no real talents that drew her to Lance, would I be a fool not to consider such a scenario? Could anyone be that cunning though and what reason did I ever give Anya to do such a thing to me taken into consideration it was her husband’s unfaithfulness that hurt her and which allowed me to be a part of her life? Fear and anxiety gripped me at times whenever I considered these possibilities brought upon my failed past with women as it scared me to be loved so much while no one who even had the full freedom to love me never dared to. Most importantly however, I had to also consider why would she tell me about Lance at all if it was something she felt she should hide from me? When I considered that truth, I decided to let that particular conspiracy theory fall to the way wayside.

Negative and positive thoughts now usually filled my head with each visit she made as I tried to assess her true intentions. Even though I felt she was ready to take the next step toward us being together, I also feared Jackson’s tactics to instill fear in her could prevail, and at times it made me feel unsafe as I fought for the security a promise from her would give me. Later that afternoon I sent her a text to see if she made it home safely.

2:13 p.m.

“Yes, I did! I loved today too! I miss you so much, babe.”

ME: “Definitely one of our best days together. It was hard to see you go.”

ANYA: “It is sad to be separated. I love you forever.”

“Sad to be separated” after such a great day together was an enormous understatement as the pain in between our meetings got tougher to ignore. Later that same evening, the presidential debates were being televised as Anya took a serious interest in them. Even though I knew who the players were, it was hard for me to get excited about it all since I didn’t care much for the circus atmosphere of politics. Anya became fascinated with Sarah Palin when she came on the scene as John McCain’s running mate for the Republican Party as they took on the Democratic Party’s nominees of Barrack Obama and Joe Biden. As Anya texted me with the details about their upcoming debate, she mentioned Sarah Palin’s husband was blue-collared and felt that it was a negative trait, but even though I didn’t find it offensive at all, Anya felt it was important enough to clarify.

3:23 p.m.

“Please don’t misunderstand my comment about Palin’s “blue collar” husband. I take it back. My dad was blue collar and he is a great man. What I meant was I just don’t think she and her husband have a wide understanding of the world. I understand they haven’t been exposed to much. Inexperienced. How is the “blue jean thing” going? It would be fun to shop with you.”

ME: “It would be a lot of fun to go shopping with you! Lord knows I need the help from someone who has a great sense of fashion! Any suggestions?”

ANYA: “Hmmm…I like Boss shirts. Well low rise designer jeans w/fitted Boss shirt would be a good look for you.”

ME: “Really? You think so?”

ANYA: “The low rise takes a little getting used to. It will also give you a longer torso look. Designer “dirty” jeans would look cute on you.”

ME: “Dark blue jeans?”

ANYA: “Yes, they are usually darker in color w/random faded look. Back pockets usually sit lower. Fitted dressed shirts not tucked in. Try them!”

ME: “Okay! I will check them out! Thank you!”

ANYA: “Sorry if I sound bossy. You always look great babe!”

ME: “Stop being so Hug Bossy with me! JK! I sincerely appreciate the advice! I love your sense of fashion! I had a great time with you today. No doubt if we were together we would last forever. I think the simplicity of today proved that.”

As I kept hidden my supposed “blue jean” shopping was actually ring and jewelry shopping, we began to delve into a more serious topic.

4:38 p.m.

“If we we’re together I believe we would last forever too. Yes I have fear b/c I was betrayed and it’s hard to believe it would never happen to me again. Idk why. Knowing what I know about you now I have no doubt that you would never do that to me. Our love is mature and that’s what I love about it. No games.”

ME: “I would never cheat on you babe. It would never be an option. I’d always be honest with you. I’d owe you that.”

ANYA: “I love you, Landyn.”

ME: “I love you too. You can always trust in my love for you, Anya.”

ANYA: “Trusting your love is the easy part…”

The emotional and mental abuse Anya endured during her now fifteen-year marriage had clearly taken its toll as she now believed even a man who was loyal to her, even one who technically wasn’t with her yet remained loyal, could also one day cheat on her. Even though I fought for her to realize her husband was not the norm, I understood it was hard to believe I was for real at times for the simple fact I don’t believe most men would have been willing to trust and fall so deeply in love with a woman in such a situation, but I was a throw-back to a prior time though, a man who truly believed in love even in our anti-true love capitalistic society.

This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.

Anya then texted me that Carolyn said the reviews for “Nights in Rodanthe” have been excellent as the various exclamation points she used to communicate this to me captured her excitement to see the movie. Ten minutes later though, our textversation came to an abrupt end as the debates began to wage on her television screen. I then opted to go to the gym rather than get sucked into an event of two people’s vision for a country they attempted to obtain behind a hidden obsession for both control and power. When I returned home from the gym though, I found a message on my phone from Anya.

8:25 p.m.

“Have a goodnight sweets. I love you very much. I have to turn in early tonight. Running 11 miles at 5 am.”

After I sent her a goodnight text in response as I gasped at the thought of running eleven miles, let alone at five in the morning, little did I know I was in store for one of the most enjoyable days of not only our now nearly ten-month relationship, but also my entire life.

The next day Anya text me mid-morning, after her run, to tell me of her plans.

10:00 a.m.

“Good morning baby!”

ME: “Good morning Beautiful! How r u? What are you up to?”

ANYA: “Going with Carolyn, Debbie and my friend Kathleen to see “Nights in Rodanthe”! We’re going to the Marketplace Theater at 2 p.m. It’s on Brookhurst. I miss you.”

ME: “I miss you too! I would love to see it with you, but I don’t know if I can handle the movie crowd on a weekend.”

ANYA: “I understand. What if you sneak in the back when it starts and leave as soon as it’s over? I wish I could sit next to you but I’ll be there with my friend Kathleen.”

ME: “I understand. You know what? That’s a good idea! I’ll do that!”

ANYA: “What if we meet for tea at the Good Morning Café after the movie? Then we can talk about it!”

ME: “Sounds like a plan, babe! I’ll be there at 2!”

ANYA: “I’m excited! Better take tissues! Text me when you get there!”

ME: “Ha! I will text you! Do you think you’ll get teary eyed at all? Any advice for me in case I do?”

ANYA: “Maybe. Just say to yourself you’re going to go see the acting. I love you!”

I didn’t believe the movie would draw me to tears; after all I was more than halfway done with the book and so far, so good. To just sit in the back of the theater though, and to know the love of my life was there should be enough to help me get through it dry eyed, otherwise so much for my macho side; I’m doomed.

When I arrived at the theater, I stayed in my car for a few minutes before I ventured out to the box office to buy my ticket just before two. I would have paid for everyone’s ticket that day, but her friend Kathleen posed too much of a challenge to do so. Whenever I went to the movies there were two things I just never did. I never went on the weekends and I never went during the day. I preferred to go see the last showing by myself on weeknights, as often times I would have the entire theater all to myself. Knowing Anya would be there though made all the difference in the world; a microcosm of our entire relationship and why I felt it was so special.

After I purchased my ticket, I walked right past the concession stands as the popcorn and drinks were not only expensive but impossible for me to finish by myself. When I walked inside, the theater was nearly packed as I made my way to the last aisle seat in the back row. Unfortunately, I was not late enough to miss the crazy commercials they now showed in the theaters before the new movie trailers as somehow you can no longer escape advertisements even when you leave the television at home. As I acclimated myself to the dim surroundings, I quickly texted Anya to let her know I arrived. My eyes then began to search for the girl who was better than the girl in my dreams, and as I purveyed the area, I noticed the theater’s patrons were mostly couples of all ages, but in a matter of just a few seconds I spotted Anya about eight rows ahead of me. I then waited for her to look back to see if her eyes would search for me as well, and when she turned around as our eyes met we could do nothing else but smile. When she rose out of her seat, she instead went up the opposite aisle side of the theater from where I was seated. This led me to believe she was either going to the restroom or to just grab something from the concession stand but about fifteen seconds later she stood right next to me, with a smile so beautiful it left zero doubt who the most beautiful girl was in the theater on this day. She then handed me a small pink sticky note and sauntered back to her seat. As if it all was in slow motion, I got completely lost in her as she walked away still lost within my own smile. I couldn’t help but then envision the aisle I witnessed her walk down was the same aisle where she would announce her love to me for a lifetime, and with my smile still in place after she sat down, I shifted my attention in curiosity to the small sticky note in my hand as it contained a heart she had sketched. Her gesture was so simple yet so significant to me as she understood how difficult it was for us to sit apart when I wanted so badly to have her hand in mine, or to have her head on my shoulder, as we watched a movie that mimicked our relationship in some manner, together. The heart was a small gesture but to this heart of mine, it was gigantic in meaning.

I never finished the book before I saw the movie as I wanted the element of some surprise to stay intact for me, and before I turned a single page I had no clue where or what “Rodanthe” was, but I learned rather quickly it was a small coastal town on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Adrienne, played by Diane Lane, becomes an estranged wife after her husband abandons her and their children and runs off with a younger woman. He then comes back into her life after the relationship fails, and tells her he still loves her and wants to move back home, but Adrienne understands the remorse he feels is only because he had a falling out with the other woman. She then tells him she needs time to think which doesn’t sit well with her daughter, Amanda, who wants to see her parents back together. In the interim, she decides to look after a friend’s bed and breakfast for the weekend to help her get away so she could think things through. The only guest on that particular weekend is Paul, a divorcee played by Richard Gere, who is going through a difficult time of his own and as a storm hits them during his stay, they lean on each other for emotional support. When his stay ends, Paul leaves inspired to make a trip to Ecuador to repair a lost relationship with his son and to meet up again with Adrienne when he returns. During their “separation” Adrienne and Paul exchanged many handwritten letters expressing their love for each other as she then informs her estranged husband, who left her for the younger woman but came back, of the decision she made to not accept him back. Her decision then infuriates her other children and causes a rift with Amanda. On the evening Paul and Adrienne are to reunite, she is greeted with the news that Paul was killed in a mudslide while in Ecuador. Once Adrienne shares this story with her daughter, Amanda, who is now old enough to understand, they begin to mend their relationship.

To say I didn’t enjoy the movie and its message would be an understatement because of all I felt and how the movie paralleled Anya’s situation in many ways. The part that grabbed me the most was when Adrienne informed her husband they were through as I didn’t expect that outcome at all. The best part for me was not that particular scene itself however, but rather the reaction from the crowd in the theater who applauded it. In essence, it felt as if everyone unknowingly cheered for both Anya and I too, as it strengthened my belief if people knew the truth why we were together, we could give Adrienne and Paul a real run for their money. It all seemed surreal to me that little did anyone know what entertained them all on screen was being truly acted out in real life; by two people in the same theater they were in. The tragic thing about it all though was those two people couldn’t even sit next to each other. I remember leaving the theater with a tremendous feeling of triumph knowing it was nothing like “The Bridges of Madison County” and more of what I had hoped Anya would want me to see as I loved the message Adrienne sent to her daughter about love, a message I prayed Anya would be brave enough to show her own kids one day as well. After all the doubt and fear I had after Jackson confronted her and as I left the theater after watching a movie she wanted us both to see together, I held more hope than ever she would follow Adrienne’s lead.

Thirty minutes after the movie concluded, we met at the Good Morning Café and soon found ourselves in an embrace at our usual spot by the children’s park. She then brought her lips into mine as she silently relayed the message her cold sore no longer existed. Overwhelmed with happiness, we held each other as I wished time would stand still, but eventually the silence broke about what we just witnessed.

“So! What did you think?” she asked. “Did you like it?”

“I loved it!” I said. “I thought for sure she would take her husband back.”

“I did too! Did you cry?”

“I didn’t think the movie developed her relationship with Paul enough for me to cry. I found the relationship with her daughter more moving and it had a happy ending.” I explained. “Did you cry? What did you think about it?”

“I cried a little bit. I loved it too, babe!”

“Do you want to know what almost brought me to tears though, Sweetheart?”

“What almost brought you to tears?”

“Did you notice that most of the people in the theater were couples?”

“I did!”

“I feel they all came to watch a movie about love today; that they all came to watch something they wanted to believe in.” I said. “And it made me realize there’s a girl in the very same theater I’m blessed to have that with. The thing they all paid to see, and the very thing they all cheered for in the end, and although they all left the theater believing; we left the theater knowing what they came to believe in even before they stepped inside.”

After I said this she held onto my hand and gazed at me as her soft dark eyes began to water. Our lips then heads softly touched as we each lobbed an “I love you” back and forth to each other. It was impossible to ignore not one person in the entire theater did not applaud the ending as they all rooted for Adrienne to choose true love over an unfaithful husband along with a choice to appease others who did not feel the same pain she did. Through their cheers, I again felt like I was doing the right thing by being in her life; to fight for her to see that staying for the kids wasn’t always the prudent thing to do; a pioneer for true love in a capitalistic world. I was especially elated and relieved when people applauded Adrienne’s decision to pursue love even though she was not yet divorced because of the goodness she found in Paul, just like I saw the true purpose in Anya’s decision to pursue love even though she was not yet divorced as well because of the goodness she found in me and us.

“You say the most beautiful things to me.” she said.

“Well babe, don’t give me too much credit now.” I countered. “It’s kind of easy to do when you have someone so beautiful in front of you. You give me a lot to work with.”

Anya truly appreciated all the beauty I found in her as I knew it carried real weight with her, another reason I fought so hard for her to choose happiness over an obligation to perpetual sadness for the sake of others. I tried to dry her tears with my thumbs as my words had touched her deeply but what fell from her eyes only proved the very essence of soulmate love; when one can touch someone without physically touching them.

“It’s moments like this; days like today.” I paused. “that makes it all worth it to me.” “No one has ever made me feel the way you’ve made me feel. I love you so much, Landyn.” she said as she came into my arms once again. “So much.”

“Thank you for telling me about “Nights in Rodanthe.”” I said as I kissed her on the top of her head and smiled. “It feels good when you share something positive with me like that.”

“Thank you for coming.” she said. “You know there was some lady in line before us and when she asked for the tickets do you know what she said?”

“What she say?”

“”Two tickets for Nights in Rodan The, please.””

“What? Really?” I laughed. “Nights in Rodan The?”

“Yea!” she said with laughter as her tears now ceased from falling. “Isn’t that funny?”

“Well, you know babe. In all fairness.” I paused briefly. “She is phonetically correct.”

She then buried her head into my chest as she laughed even more, and for the next ten minutes we just held each other in silence, afraid to let go. While I played with her hair, she massaged my head as I almost fell asleep until we reluctantly ended our time together. A new experience for us, a movie and tea, but without the tea though; just her and me.

I could have lived this day forever and even as simplistic it all really was, it remains one of the most memorable days of my life. Before I drove off and after I sadly watched her drive away, I reached into my jean’s pocket to pull out her single yet meaningful sticky note and stuck it on my car’s dashboard as a reminder I held her heart. Even though I didn’t get to sit by her during the movie to witness and hear the cheers of all those couples when Diane Lane’s character kicked her philandering husband out of the house even to the dismay of her children, it warmed me inside to believe with the entire truth known about her unhappiness, I was in this for the right reasons. For extra added measure, if there still existed a hint of doubt, the story further showcased how her daughter who initially rebelled against her mother’s decision came around to understand it. A single sticky note with a heart, her own, etched upon it, was just one of the many beautiful things Anya did that led me to believe in us and to fight for us. Just like in “Nights In Rodanthe”, a movie she wanted us to see together, I knew all these things were possible in the end, that the Universe would naturally strike a balance to sort out all chaos and to support life, just like it did for Mother Earth in our own solar system, as I believed there was more right in our relationship than there could ever be wrong.

Later that evening as I drove to visit my parents, Anya sent me a text so I decided to pull over to respond.

8:09 p.m.

“Sitting having dinner w/C&D at Ahi’s. Loved today!”

ME: “I loved today too! I miss you! I love you!”

ANYA: “I miss you like crazy! I love you! They’re playing your song by Pink Floyd.”

ME: ““Wish you were here”! No song could be more appropriate for the way I’m feeling right now than that song, babe.”

ANYA: “I can’t stand “the crowd” here and want to leave. I just miss you. What r u doing?”

ME: “Nothing at all.”

ANYA: “Can I see you?”

ME: “Of course, babe!”

ANYA: “Can you meet me in the parking lot behind Paseos in fifteen minutes?”

ME: “See you in fifteen!”

Just when I thought it impossible the day could get any better, I’d get a chance to see her for a third time and no way was I going to let it pass me by. When I pulled into the Paseos parking lot, I didn’t see her car so I departed from mine just to make sure. As I stood on the street in search of my heartbeat however, I saw her drive right past me and I then reversed course to where she parked. As I stood outside the place where our eyes first met, on a clear comfortable night, I remembered all the evenings I spent inside the bar as it warmed my heart to know why I stood outside of it now, and why I never wanted to set foot inside of it again. As Anya exited her car, the smile on her face lit the night, and I could not hide the happiness it brought forth upon my own. I snatched her hand in mine as we walked to a secluded alley tucked away from the street lights and the people. I leaned myself against the wall of someone’s garage then brought her body against mine as the moonlight shone upon a face I now held within my hands as her lips found mine. When I pulled away two minutes later, she kept her eyes closed and when her lips begged for more, I fulfilled her silent yet boisterous request. We then paused to catch a breath of the night air to look into each other’s eyes as our heads touched with nothing but all the love in the world for each other filled within them.

“I wish we were in your bed.” she said breathlessly.

“Me too. I miss the softness and warmth of your body against mine.”

“I love when our bodies touch.” she said to me nearly in tears as her eyes spoke more sincerely than ever before. “I love you so much. I so want to be with you.”

“I want to be with you more than anything else in this world.” I said as I brought her lips to mine. “Beautiful days and moments like this only confirm all I’ve felt for over a year.”

“It’s such a beautiful night.” she said as she looked up at the sky. “It seems like you can see every star.”

“I know.” I said. “Can you see Venus?”

“Venus? Where, babe?”

“Right there.” I said as I gently put her hand in mine and pointed to it.

“I never knew that was Venus.”

“You can see it most nights. It’s the brightest thing in the sky next to the moon.”

“I’m afraid I don’t know much about the stars and planets.”

“Oh I bet you know more than you think you do, my love.”

“And what makes you think so?”

“Because you’re made of the same things planets and stars are.” I said. “We all are. We’re stardust, babe.”

She then just looked at me with a smile and a look of peculiarity as I felt a further need to explain myself.

“I used to drive back home from Utah after I finished my client engagements in a city called Roy.” I explained. “The only light I had at times on the fifteen highway were from my headlights and the moon. When I’d reach Provo though, I would pull over to an off road and just sit on the hood of my car and gaze in wonder at the Milky Way before me. I just sat there and pondered my life with the stars as my only guide; a life I wasn’t very happy with it at the time. Sometimes I’d even be lucky enough to have a meteorite streak through the sky to say hi to me, as if someone or something heard my thoughts. It would have been nice to have you there with me. I’m sure life would have made better sense to me with you by my side, but then again…if you were there…I’d probably never have known the stars and where I came from.”

“I bet it was so beautiful.” she said.

“Like you wouldn’t believe.” I said as I took in true beauty as the moon shone upon her, a sight that astonished me more than any of those star-filled nights in Provo.

“I’m flying up to Seattle by myself for my cousin’s wedding next weekend. I’m looking forward to getting away.” she informed me. “It should be raining.”

“Seattle is a very romantic city.” I said. “I’ve been there before.”

“When were you in Seattle?”

“A few years ago, on another out of town client engagement.”

She then brought her eyes to the floor and then back up to me in hesitation and in contemplation whether to tell me something; as if something had suddenly shaken her up, but when she did this same thing again, what she wanted to share was revealed.

“I hate my life.”

I then brought her body softly into mine and held her tightly as I kissed her on the top of her head. I then transported myself back to the time we danced at my apartment to Buble, and began to sway with her back and forth, as I fought back tears of my own. Her “I hate my life” statement broke my heart into pieces and was as significant a statement as any other she ever made to me; the man she knew who loved her so much; the man who only wanted her to love her life as her poignant statement brought into focus everything I was fighting for.

“That’s why I’m here, babe. It’s why I go through the pain I do when we’re apart. I want you to love your life again. I think it’s tragic your kids think the most loving person I have ever known is unloving. I think to have love is extremely important for you to have so your love will be felt by others; so you can be true to those around you.” I said. “No mother with children, and no wife with a husband should ever hate her life. You deserve to love life again, but you need to be true to all those around you before you can be true to yourself. To live a dishonest life is a sin, babe, and I’m here so you can find the courage to live an honest one.”

She then looked up at me, as I pressed my thumbs gently upon her face to dry the tears that flowed.

“I want to be true.” she said. “I want to live an honest life.”

“That’s everything I’ve been fighting for you to be and to have, my love.” I said. “Even though I understand your reasons, it’s not right for a married woman to be cheating, but it’s equally wrong to stay and to continue living a false life now too. I agreed to be in your life so you wouldn’t have to do that anymore, Beautiful. Can I ask you a question though?”

“Yes, babe.”

“Is there something else?” I asked. “Is there something else that keeps you there that I don’t know about? Maybe something you’re afraid will hurt me if I knew?”

“Only what I’ve told you.” she said. “I’ve been honest with you about everything.”

“Okay, I trust you.” I said. “Can you please do me one favor then, Sweetheart?”

“What is it, babe?”

“Please listen to yourself. Not to others, but to yourself.” I said. “It’s the only way you’ll ever choose to be true, sweetheart.”

There were many substantial things she told me during the last ten months that afforded me the allowance to fight for her, but “I hate my life” and “I want to be true” were the most significant. I knew as well as she did though, in order for her to be true and to choose an honest life, she had to first be honest with herself. As the man whose ring she wanted to wear, it was something I couldn’t allow her to run from but rather face it with me by her side. If her husband had been faithful, and she still hated her life, well guess what…that’s what “better or for worse” meant when she made her vows as I would feel completely in the wrong to fight for her, but the gross disrespect he had shown her over the years and the prolonged mental abuse he had levied upon her were the reasons I felt she deserved to love life again. I just had to find a way within to stay strong for her so she would have the courage to do the right thing; just like Adrienne in “Nights in Rodanthe” did that brought cheers from the theater’s audience. This is what she asked me to fight for, and that’s exactly what I planned to do even if it led me to hate my own life on a level I never experienced before as there was no turning back for me now.

The next morning, after undoubtedly one of the best days of my entire life, a day I could only dream about having before I met her, Anya sent me a text.

10:34 a.m.

“Good morning! How r u? Late night?”

ME: “Good morning, Beautiful! Yesterday was such a whirlwind I went to bed early last night believe it or not! I was wiped out but in the best way though! How r u?”

ANYA: “I’m good. Just finished the hardest 2-hour kickboxing class! I thought I was going to throw up and the instructor told me to suck it up. So, I did. Glad it’s over.”

ME: “Way to go! I would have probably threw up everywhere. Men are weak, you know. Wish I could have another day like yesterday!”

ANYA: “Ha! I had a blast yesterday! I miss u.”

ME: “One of the best days of my life! It was such a fun day for me I forgot to eat dinner last night! I miss u too.”

ANYA: “Really? How do u do that? I ate all day!”

ME: “I just wasn’t hungry…too much adrenaline! I can’t believe you didn’t throw up in class after eating all day yesterday!”

ANYA: “Yea, he wasn’t going to give me an ounce of sympathy either! He asked me if I went out last night and I just looked at him. He told me to “suck it up”! Ugh!”

ME: “It’s quite apparent he doesn’t tolerate the antics of party animals in his class! Good thing he doesn’t know about me…it probably would have been worse for you.”

ANYA: “Ha! I had the best time with you! You gave me a lot to think about.”

ME: “What specifically, babe?”

ANYA: “When you asked me if there was something else. I’m really going to think about it. You also asked me to listen to myself. I’m really going to look into that too.”

Fear gripped me for a moment as it made me wonder if there really was something else and if so, then why wouldn’t she know what it was? I knew Jackson Caiaphas was her husband; I knew what he stood for so would this be the “something else” she needed to communicate to me? To inform me of who he was and what he represented? Was he the reason why she was fearful to leave? I understood the kids were big for her, but I just didn’t understand why her concern for them wasn’t communicated to me in November, or even in June on the night we met as they were certainly in her life for the five months before we reconnected with each other. If feeling love again meant so much that it inspired her to refer the kids to me as “baggage”, even though she knew they were far from, why not listen to herself and choose happiness and love over sadness and resentment? Did she make a conscious effort to keep these things hidden from me until she secured my love and so I’d be more inclined to pursue a relationship with her? If that’s the case, then why go through all that trouble to never recognize it and not promise to be with me? Why did she feel so guilty about her happiness if she went through such great lengths for it? I knew if she just listened to the beauty inside of her, just like the sun outside shone, the truth about her life would shine through to her as well. At this point, it just made zero sense to me she would stay in her marriage regardless of her children unless my greatest fear was true; that she didn’t truly love me. That she was only truly in love with the feeling of being in love again and not truly in love.

Before I could respond however, she hit me with another text that put me on the internal defensive even further.

11:53 a.m.

“Ur right in that it is wrong for a married woman to be cheating no matter how u justify it. I need to leave first before I see you and since I’m not ready where do we stand?”

After my eyes absorbed her text, Hiroshima and Nagasaki came to mind as it felt like she had just dropped an A-bomb on me. How does she allow me to feel a day like yesterday and moments like yesterday for nearly ten months, a love I even walked away from because she was “married” but told I broke her heart, just to be asked something like this? How could she tell me and do things that screamed “I believe in our love” just yesterday to only hit me with “it’s wrong” not even twenty-four hours later? Her text made me feel like a paraplegic who had just been pushed out of his wheelchair and asked to get back up as it left me to think she was on crystal meth or some other drug that could alter her mood so steeply. I never said it was wrong no matter how she justified it, I simply meant it was wrong to be married at this point after all we’ve shared. In fact, after all we’ve shared over the last ten months I felt this text was something I should have never been sent, especially after she just told me she so wanted to be with me, hated her life, wanted to be true and planned to listen to herself. Was this listening to herself or instead to those around her who didn’t know her pain like I was made to know? Did she think I’d text her back something like “You know what you’re right. It’s wrong what we’re doing and have done together. What was I thinking? See ya on the flip side!”. I considered the “wrong” in a relationship with her when I walked away from her the first time over a year ago after she told me I broke her heart and even wondered why I left. Did she honestly believe I would ever be the same way again after ten months of the greatest love I had ever known? Did she seriously believe she would even be the same person again too? Was that loving someone? Abandoning her so she could figure it out on her own after all we’ve shared? After a day full of so much love and hope, it destroyed me inside how she could text me such a thing after I walked away ten months earlier just to avoid ever receiving a text such as this from her. Again, I didn’t want to pressure her or put her in an emotional state in front of her children so I fought back the disbelief of her query in case I subjectively misinterpreted it.

ME: “I did say that it’s wrong for a married woman to be cheating however in your situation, I feel it’s justified because of the mental abuse and pain you’ve gone through over the years. I don’t think you even recognize it, babe, and that’s why I want you to listen to yourself in the hope you will see it. You’ve not only become the woman I love, but my best friend. You even told me I’m not responsible for the way you feel about him. If I was responsible for the way you feel about your marriage, then I think it’s wrong any way you justify it, but the way you feel has been in existence long before me and I feel without me, you’d choose sadness over happiness. I think if you listen to yourself, especially to the two things you told me last night, “I hate my life” and “I want to be true” we’ll be together one day without a doubt and you will do the right thing and leave.”

ANYA: “Thank you for being there for me. You’re my best friend too. You’re not responsible for how I feel about my situation. It’s just the way it has been and still is.”

I didn’t know how to feel about her statement, mostly the “still is” as I would have preferred to have seen “will always be”. What if she was giving Jackson another chance and that was why she felt this sudden guilt? How could she find it possible to give Jackson another chance after all we’ve shared and after all the horrific things she shared with me about him? After I walked away and my reasons for doing so? Would someone really consider staying with someone if they truly didn’t love them after being greatly dishonored and were in love with someone else? Was she truly being honest with me about her feelings for him? I even began to think, if she resented him and was angry at him, wouldn’t that also mean she still had feelings for him on some level and that’s why she was willing to stay? Would I be mad and resentful at someone I didn’t still have some feelings for in some way? My low self-esteem came roaring back into the fray like a cavalry after I read her texts, and after one of the greatest days of my life, they left me thoroughly disjointed and broken.

She then text me later that afternoon in an attempt to smooth things over, but I decided to remain silent about how they made me feel because I didn’t want to upset her. As I struggled for solace to help me with the onslaught of negative thoughts that flowed like blood down my face, I decided to visit my mother to see if maybe she could spare a pill or two to help me make it through.

1:08 p.m.

“Yesterday was perfect. Every moment serious with you or not was perfect. I love you. What r u doing today?”

ME: “I have no plans, babe. What r u up to today?”

I decided not to tell Anya about the visit I planned to my mother’s house in case there was a chance I could see her, but she quickly closed the door.

ANYA: “I’m going shopping with Katie today. Also going to my niece’s (my older bro’s daughter) 100th day celebration tonight.”

I still reeled from her earlier texts as I was still taken aback by the “wrong” in our relationship and that she viewed it as “cheating”. Not that it technically wasn’t, but after all her husband has done to her and the fact she even told me “it’s not a marriage” in her eyes, for her to consider our love as “cheating” at this point seemed like a tragic effort to bring legitimacy to her marriage, a union now riddled with gross infidelities from both sides. It even led me to wonder if Anya’s brothers knew how abusive their brother in law had been to their sister and if so, were they okay with it? The Anya I knew so well from yesterday seemed to be a totally different person today, and it just ate me up alive to sense such a variance.

ME: “That was a quick 100 days! It seems like only yesterday when you told me you could see us with one someday. Sweetheart, I hate to ask you this, but are you sure you really want to be with me? Do you truly believe this is love you feel? I need to know.”

ANYA: “Sorry picked up kids and took them to lunch. Of course, I want to be w/u! Why would I be seeing u? Yes, it’s definitely love and not just any love but still wrong.”

I then began to realize where her guilt originated from and I started to feel badly my low self-esteem led me to question her intentions and love. I now believed she knew the only thing wrong at this point was that she was still there, and had not promised to be with me. With all things considered normal it did appear wrong, but how could it truly be wrong if she truly loved me in conjunction with the reason of how we came to be?

ANYA: “R u ok?”

ME: “I’m ok. Just a little sad because I’m missing you.”

ANYA: “Instead of being sad b/c we miss each other let’s turn it around and be thankful we have each other and we got to spend some time together! What do u think?”

ME: “That’s a beautiful way of looking at it babe. Have a great day! I love you!”

ANYA: “K! You have a great day too! I love you!”

Although I understood better why Anya felt it was “wrong”, it bothered me deeply that most people, and probably even Anya, would believe our love was completely wrong, and I felt almost abandoned by her as it left me to feel it was me against the world; a feeling I never thought she’d ever give me. Anya claimed the only way she would leave her husband was if she had someone there for her, so to tell me “it’s wrong” when she encouraged me to be in her life even after I walked away from her solely because she was married, I felt represented the only wrong now. The only way our love would be wrong is if our relationship represented retaliation and she never had plans to be with me, the reason her texts put fear inside my head and heart. Even as an agnostic, I referred to God for guidance in my decision to date and trust Anya. In particular, the vows made to Him by her husband “to honor and to cherish until death do you part” as they were the basis for my decision. However, if Anya didn’t truly recognize God but rather a society whose belief system I believed to be mostly corrupted, what chance did I ever have? She told me she wanted to be with me. She told me she truly loved me. She told me she wanted to wear my ring. She told me she hated her life. She told me she wanted to be true. She told me she would rather die than never have me in her life. How could this be wrong unless she never had plans to be with me regardless of if I did all the things she asked me to do in order to make it a reality? I just didn’t understand how this was suddenly wrong in her eyes when I always felt it was justifiable even in the context of God. The only way this was wrong is if she used me, hijacked my love and played me for a fool as I refused to believe any of that, and trusted she had no reason to.

As I entered my parent’s house, my mother was in her room and perched on her bed as an episode of “Days of Our Lives” blared from her television set, a soap she watched daily since it first aired in 1965, forty-three years ago. Even though she was for the most part technologically challenged since the early eighties, she sure knew how and made sure the VCR was always set to record at noon everyday so she never missed an episode. Like sand through the hourglass, over time I got to know its ever changing main cast of characters like Hope and Bo, Austin and Sammy, Marlena and John and many more characters I never wanted to know as I hung around my mom so much it seemed I had no choice not to.

“Oh, hey Landy Joe!” my mother said when I entered her room as she rose off her bed to greet me.

“Hey, Mom.” I said as I gave her a quick hug.

“How do you like my hair?” she asked with pride as she shaped it with her hands.

“Did you do something to it?” I asked.

“You can’t tell? I just had it permed!” she exclaimed.

“Oh, it always looks the same to me, Mom. I didn’t know. It looks nice.” I said to avoid any further hair talk. “I see you’re watching your fave.”

“It’s been reaaaaally good this week! I have to wait all weekend though to see what’s going to happen to Marlena.”

“The suspense must be killing you. Is she still possessed by the devil?” I chided her in reference to when I felt the show “jumped the shark” and ran out of story ideas.

“No, that was years ago, Landy.” she informed me.

“You mean to tell me she survived that entire ordeal?” I asked with sarcasm.

“I was just as surprised as you were, Honey! I didn’t think she was going to survive the demonic possession. You saw how bad she looked.”

“Mom, don’t you think the writers stole a lot of that from the movie “The Exorcist”?” I asked.

“You know, now that you mention it.” she paused. “It was very similar.”

“Seriously? Very similar? Mom, they practically stole every scene!” I exclaimed. “Did William Peter Blatty guest write for the show that week? I would like to know.”

“Oh, I know the show can be a little silly at times, Landy.”

“It’s too silly if you ask me. Personally, I think it insults your intelligence.”

My mother then looked at me for a few seconds before she spoke.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

I looked back at her and nodded my head to let her believe nothing was bothering me. As she sat back down on her bed to finish watching her soap, I noticed there was a bible on the nightstand, a curious place for it as she usually had it on a shelf.

“I’m having a hard time understanding something.” I caved.

“What is it?” she said as she paused the VCR.

“It annoys me that from the outside looking in, it appears to people that my relationship with Anya is wrong.” I said. “Anya told me today, no matter how we justify our relationship, that what she’s doing is wrong, and it really got to me.”

“Isn’t she right though, Honey.”

“I don’t think so.” I said.

“Landy, certainly you can understand how it is wrong what you’re doing. Right?”

“I feel the only way this could be wrong is if she still loved her husband, and she was retaliating against him.” I stated. “The only way this could be wrong is if she lied to me about everything. That she doesn’t truly believe in our love.”

“Do you believe that’s true? That she’s lying to you?”

“Absolutely not, Mom.” I said. “I believe it’s fear that’s talking to her. Fear of what others might think of her; what our society has been conditioned to believe about marriage and love.”

“You know what the Bible says about committing adultery, right?” she said. “Doesn’t that make it wrong?”

“As agnostic as I am, and as borderline atheist I almost became at one time, the Bible is what I ultimately referenced in my decision to date her.” I said. “Also, don’t forget it’s a sin to live a dishonest life too.”

“Then how can you disagree with her about it being wrong, Landy? Especially if you used the word of God as a point of reference?”

“For many reasons.”

“From the word of God? How so?”

“Well to start, in regards to her committing “adultery”, I believe when her husband broke his vows “to honor and cherish her until death do they part”, not just once but several times, he not only broke his promise to her, but to Him and God took score each and every time he did. When Anya’s love withered away because of it, I felt it was God’s way of allowing her to find love again.” I explained. “Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t God about love? Isn’t that what his message is all about? Why would He ever want a person who was betrayed and lied to that took her happiness away in life, like God had been betrayed and lied to by this very same person, to not want her to have love ever again? Isn’t God about redemption? Didn’t His son rise from the dead to give us hope and eternal life? Why wouldn’t he allow that for Anya so she could be redeemed by someone who truly loves her so she could feel love again? I feel I’m a good patient man who held out for love and always believed in it, who would never dream of cheating on my wife, so why wouldn’t God allow Anya, a woman in such desperate need for love, to find me for it to only be looked upon as wrong in His eyes? Did God envision contracts and tax deductions when people got married? I don’t believe God ever meant divorce was something to be determined in a court of law or to be conducted through a formal process, but rather when there was a true separation of the heart. If Anya was in love with her husband, he had kept his promise to God, and she and I had a relationship, then I’d understand how she committed adultery in His eyes, and how this could be nothing but wrong. The truth is though, I don’t think people truly understand the word of God, nor do they truly know the Bible enough to reserve the right to be critical about what is truly wrong and right about our relationship. Forgive me, but I don’t see the wrong in our love if it’s truly love, after it was taken from her as viciously as it was by her husband. She has even told me “it’s not a marriage”, and all because society recognizes it as a marriage doesn’t mean God does, and marriage exists because of the continuation of unbroken vows made to God, so taking all this into consideration, how could our love possibly be wrong if God is truly the point of reference?”

My mom loved God and believed in Him without any reservations or doubt, and even though I found it difficult to believe any entity could create the earth in just seven days, I truly felt I followed what I believed to be his principles in my decision to date Anya. After I spilled out my interpretation of God’s message in the “Good Book”, she seized the Bible by her bedside and began to rummage through its pages like a priest in the process of performing an exorcism as I believed she sought out every passage possible to dispute all of what I just said, to rid me of the demon she perceived to be inside me.

“Matthew five thirty-two.” she stated as she read. “But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”

“Except for the reason of unchastity.” I pondered with a smile. “This sounds like this is coming only from a man’s point of view though. What about men who abuse their wives? Didn’t God consider that? I can’t believe God created women to be enslaved to men, and for wives to be enslaved to their husbands. Why would God punish women even for immoral acts made against them?”

“I think what the Bible is saying here is that unchastity is grounds for divorce...for both men and women.” she said. “Whether it happens in the heart or through court of law; her husband’s adultery or fornication renders divorce a forgivable act in those instances.”

“Long before I was in her life, his “unchastity” led Anya to fall out of love with him; a divorce through the heart.” I said. “But still, does God believe women should stay with husbands who are emotionally or physically abusive? Why would he punish women for leaving those kinds of husbands and not allowing them to find love? God can’t be a male chauvinistic pig, right?”

My mom perked up and smiled as she began to read the passages she apparently already had bookmarked.

“Nowhere in the Bible does God consent to any kind of abuse whatsoever, Landy. It’s proven here in Corinthians one thirteen.” she said. “He talks of what love is not. “It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…it always protects.” So it’s clear God doesn’t condone abuse of any kind. Marriage is a covenant between a husband and wife. The promises exchanged by a man and a woman in marriage become their obligations to God. It even says so here in Psalm one twenty-eight, Proverbs eighteen-twenty-two “faithfulness to those promises brought marital blessing; violation brought a curse.” And here in Matthew nineteen: seven through nine; Jesus tells “whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery” so you see…God is far from a male chauvinistic pig, Honey.”

“I would venture to guess cheating on your wife several times constitutes immorality and a violation of the covenant which led to a marital curse that then allowed Anya to find love in someone else.” I said astonished by all she chose to share. “Are you through?”

“Not quite.”

“There’s more?”

“In regards to an unloved woman who is married.” my mom said then briefly paused. “Proverbs thirty; twenty-one to twenty-three reads “Under three things the earth trembles, UNDER FOUR it cannot bear up; A servant who becomes a king, a fool who is full of food, a maidservant who displaces her mistress, and an unloved woman who is married.”

“So not only is a covenant broken in such a scenario.” I said in serious and deep contemplation. “But the world is shaken and can’t bear up. Like the world of her children. Anya’s world. Jackson’s world. My world.”

“Well, I’m no Aristocales, but I think so.” she said.

“Wait…What? Who is Aristocales?”

“I don’t know, Honey. All I can tell you is I’m definitely not him.” she tried to continue as I struggled to maintain a straight face. “In Romans eight, it explains how God sent his son, Jesus, to defeat the law and give us grace, everlasting life and all other good things. It ends in assurance of a truth, that nothing shall ever separate us from the love of The Lord. So as long as you have kept your eyes, your mind and your heart on God.”

“If that’s true…then there’s nothing wrong with our love.”

“Other than its dishonest nature…from what I read…I don’t think so,” she said. “Unless your heart, mind and eyes were in the wrong place to begin with.”

“Not once.” I said. “Its dishonest nature only exists out of fear and is only temporary. I truly believe that. That the only thing wrong is that she continues to live a dishonest life out of fear.”

“Then only God can judge you, Honey.”

It was the first time I ever discussed the Bible and God with my mother. Even as a child, we never had a single discussion, as much as she tried to instill Him in me. When I left my parent’s house that day after I got caught up on the current happenings of “Days of Our Lives” and forgot to grab a pill I came for, I learned from the word and grace of God the only wrong was Anya’s fear of living an honest life. If she truly wanted to be true and she had the intentions to be so, I believed it would all take care of itself even under a world that trembled as I held the belief I was put into this situation to bear it up.