“And there's a reason, now I see.

The reason I've been chosen.

She sees the light inside of me.

A reason to believe.

But I can't climb this mountain without you.

No, I can't face this on my own.

With you by my side, we will open his eyes.

And the truth will deliver us home.”

~ “Chosen” Dream Theater

7:24 p.m.

“It was bumper 2 bumper on the way home! Back home now! U looked very handsome today. I wanted to kiss u. I so wanted to be touched by u. I could have looked into your eyes all night! U felt so good to hold! I will keep my promise. I love u.”

After she sent me this text when she returned home from our meeting at Maestro’s, more texts born from her heart’s happiness began to follow.

8:25 p.m.

“I really miss u. Tonight was the best hour and half of the whole week! I miss hanging in ur bed. It’s killing me.”

8:42 p.m.

“I loved every second! I love u!”

8:52 p.m.

“I love you forever! Soulmates!”

These were the words and feelings I fought so hard for, and it shattered my heart to feel her hurt in them because we were apart. I loved her to pieces so I naturally wanted her pain to end as it was all I ever fought for. For nothing more. For nothing less.

The next morning, one that fell on the second day of August, two thousand and eight, the great vibes continued.

11:22 a.m.

“Happy 14 months!”

Fourteen months; the amount of time surpassed since the night our eyes first met, and technically, the same amount of time we’ve both been enamored with each other. It was unfathomable to me a woman could hold my heart even tighter than the first night I met her, existed, but she truly did as fourteen months officially marked how long I’ve known she could be the love of my life as the last eight months only further confirmed it.

On this night, I decided to pop in and visit my mother who I saw sparingly the last two months as I struggled to find a balance between work and love. When I arrived at the house there were no lights on as once again my father wasn’t home. Upon my entry into my mother’s room I found her in bed, surrounded by shadows as the sun was just beginning to come down. As she laid face up, she had a cool wet towel on her head, her special remedy for migraines. After ten seconds she began to stir and sprang up from her bed as she held the towel against her head with one hand and reached for a light with the other to lead me to believe nothing was wrong.

“Migraine?” I asked.

“Yeah, I’ve had it for two days now.” she stated. “How are you, Honey?”

“I’m okay” I said.

“How’s Anya?’

Even though my mother did not know Anya personally, she felt like she did because all I did was sing her praises, and if I didn’t, my mother always jumped to her defense.

“She’s good, mom.” I said. “We’re kind of apart right now though.”

“Well, you can’t really be together, Landy.”

“Technically speaking we can’t be, but you know what’s funny?”

“What’s funny?”

“Being apart has only brought us closer.” I said as I sat down on the faded pink recliner next to my mother’s bed.

“How so?”

“She broke up with me because she felt bad, and at first, I was really taken aback by it because it felt just like all my other failures with women, but the truth was…it was my fault.” I explained.

“How was it your fault?”

“We had a heavy conversation while she was in New York about her children and she felt pressure from me to leave now, but it was a misunderstanding, one I created though by being hurt about some of the things she said.”

“I still don’t understand why she’d leave you, Landy...if she loves you.”

“I didn’t understand as well, but the other night she broke down in front of her family. They saw her pain, but they didn’t know why. It broke my heart because I gave her such a hard time about her breaking up with me, but when I saw how much my emotions affected her at home, I understood why she broke it off with me. It wasn’t because she didn’t love me but because her kids are still out for the summer and she felt exposed around them. She really needs to be there for them right now so I felt my emotions were to blame for our breakup. The craziest thing about it is, if she never broke up with me, I’d probably never know how much she loved me. How much of a difference I’ve made in her life. How I’ve made her better. How much she struggles at home with her feelings. It made me believe in our love even more and made me realize the love I’m fighting for her to have, is the right thing to do.”

“She has children. It’s not easy on her at all, and let me tell you.” she said as she sat on her bed and met my gaze. “She’s not happy at all.”

“I see that.” I said. “Happiness is all I want for her. That’s all that matters. I feel she deserves it. I just so happened to be the one who makes her happy.”

“You’re a unique man.” said my mother.

“Really? How so?” I asked.

“Well, you’re very picky for one.” she explained. “and not many men love like you love.”

“Shouldn’t love be nothing less than extraordinary though? Shouldn’t it leave you breathless? Shouldn’t it make you want to give it all you have?” I asked. “If it doesn’t make you feel that way, then it’s not the kind of love I believe in. I’ve known many feelings in my life but none of them have ever felt as great as when I’m in love with someone. I love the way I do only because I don’t want to lose it.”

“So you and Anya aren’t seeing each other anymore?”

“Not as much, but we talk more than we ever did. I just have to respect her decision, Mom. Give her the space she needs. She has to be there for her kids right now and I have to understand that, and not give her any grief about things.” I said. “How are you?”

“I’m okay. I have hand surgery next week.”

“What’s wrong with your hand?”

“Carpal tunnel.” she said as she showed me her right hand in a wrist brace.

“Oh, I see.”

My mother worked as a cafeteria clerk, at the same elementary school I went to, for twenty-five years. I was in the first grade when she started as I’m sure she wanted to be near her only child, but many years of pressure she exerted on her fingers against hard keys upon an old cash register took its toll. I spotted an orange bottle full of painkillers on her dresser, a larger bottle than I usually saw as I then asked her if I could have a few. She acknowledged I could, but when I turned the bottle upside down, five came out instead of three. Since the bottle was full and she told me she hardly used them, I didn’t say anything as I wrapped them up in a tissue then stuffed it inside my jean’s pocket. This marked the first time I took more without her knowledge, and I don’t even know why I did because I got along fine without them, but at the same time they did help me sleep at night and the hour of euphoria I got from them made it worthwhile.

When I returned home I took one pill and decided to write about my day. It seemed like my writing flowed better on them, but it never occurred to me any real difference existed until the opiate’s effect hit me about forty-five minutes after I had first taken it. The real truth about them though, the only real reason why I took them at all was when I realized they helped me deal with my emotions better at night when I missed her the most.

The next day Anya and I texted briefly as I informed her of my mother’s hand surgery this week. Anya then informed me she returned her nephew back to his rightful owners as she shared with me Andrew was relieved when she did because he felt he didn’t listen at all during his time there. Anya told me she poked fun at Andrew for it because he was the same way at six years old, but I did enjoy hearing how mature Andrew sounded at ten years of age. She then hit me with a text that touched my soul and furthered my hope; another one of those texts that came out of nowhere.

6:23 p.m.

“I love you forever, baby. We’re one. Always. Remember when we talked about having only tunnel vision whenever we are together? Felt that way at Maestro’s.”

ME: “We’re both in trouble if we’re out somewhere and someone decided to shoot the place up! I always have tunnel vision when I’m with you. It’s so hard to keep my eyes off of you when I have a chance to have you in them…like nothing around me exists. We’ve shared too much not to be considered one. You’re beyond special to me.”

ANYA: “I love it when you show me how you feel. You’re very special to me too.”

ME: “Your love for me makes that easy to do. I love just looking at you. You’re magic to me.”

ANYA: “I feel calm when we don’t speak and just gaze. I love you.”

The following day was a quiet day from her, we text each other about a total of six times, but for the first time I felt at peace with it, a nice change of pace.

The next morning, August fifth, she informed me of two things. The first item of interest was she had a trip to San Diego with her family planned before the school year started. When she told me, I fought my disheartened feelings as I tried to understand this was something she had to do. Whether I was with her or not, anything she did with him as a perceived couple began to deeply bother me because of my heavy feelings for her and the deception involved as I found it hard to understand she could even look at Jackson in the eyes at this point after all we’ve shared, especially long enough to plan anything together. With all these feelings she not only allowed me to have but also encouraged me to feel, I felt she owed it to me to tone down the façade, and it broke my heart to know this trip was something she planned even in the depth of our relationship. When I thought about what she had to do for her kids though, I tried to just tuck it underneath my burdened heart as I reminded myself their happiness was the goal. The second bit of information she relayed to me was an apology for not being able to text me much the prior night because Debbie visited her. She then hit me with something, and it opened up the floodgates that held in all of my thoughts.

9:21 a.m.

“Debbie told me last night that we (u and I) have something very special. That something special is trust and respect. I love u.”

ME: “I truly respect you. I hope you know that. I know I’ve hurt you sometimes when I hurt but I’d never hurt you intentionally. I’d never cheat on you. I’m loyal to you even in my dreams.”

ANYA: “Ur so wonderful! I fully trust you’d never hurt me and I respect u for everything you stand for today. You’d never lose my love. I love you forever.”

Her words resonated within, words I put my faith in as they told me she understood me and all I fought for her to have. I trusted she respected me for all I stood for today and I’d never lose her love just like I trusted the sun to rise in the morning. Her sentiments came at a time I truly needed to believe in to get me through her family trip to San Diego. When she said Debbie told her we both had trust and respect, it made me wonder if Anya told her about Jackson’s infidelities because wouldn’t Debbie just assume she at least had Jackson’s trust? If Anya did tell her about his gross transgressions, it meant a lot to me for Debbie to know I wasn’t involved here all because Anya simply fell out of love. It had to be something significant like multiple careless infidelities which provided me with the security they were decisions and not mistakes made by her husband. Most importantly, her words to Anya told me Debbie wanted her to hold onto us, to believe in us, and never say never because she recognized this love we had was rare.

At three o’clock she sent me an unsolicited “I love you” text, and it truly got me through the remaining workday to know she was on my mind as much as she was on mine. Later that evening she text me out of the blue as things seemed to be back to normal between us.

6:20 p.m.

“Hey baby! I just picked up the kids from tutoring and now off to soccer and dance. Chauffer. Just wanted to say hi cuz I miss u. Not very good at breaking up am I?”

ME: “It could be worse babe; you could be driving Miss Daisy around or something. By the way, I’m very thankful for your poor breakup skills! I’m just happy you still look at me the same way. I miss u too.”

ANYA: “Ha! That’s another way to look at it I guess! I don’t think I could look at you any other way even if u hurt me. I love u w/all my being.”

We truly became one mass of energy that fed off each other, our own destruction only a matter of construction as our universe expanded more each day to support life and to create a beautiful new world, a reason to live. I felt this ecosystem we were allowed to create between us only represented the work of an invisible entity around us. The more I fell in love with Anya, the more I learned about her unhappiness; and the more I came to dislike Jackson Caiaphas as her husband. It was harder to downplay my disdain for what the man stood for in his marriage as my love for Anya grew with each passing day. To hear all the excuses he made, the way he would fight for her as if he had any idea what love was even after the way he treated her, just flat out disgusted me. I didn’t hate him enough to wish death on him, I just despised him as her husband. If I felt he was right for her, I would have simply walked away especially considering the circumstances of our relationship. I didn’t have an ego, and if I couldn’t measure up as a replacement, as the better man for her, then I’d be noble enough to let her go, like Aurelius did in Chaucer’s “The Canterbury Tales”, the “Franklin Tale”, specifically. The fact of the matter was this though, hands down I was the best for her. In my eyes, he just met her before I did, and held the fort down until I arrived as again, a thirty-year old man making his move on an impressionable teenager sounded to me like he had only one thing on his mind, and it was driven by lust, not love as I felt no man truly in love with someone would ever jeopardize losing them. He was only honest with her because he got caught, and people always admitted they messed up after they were caught in the act. The fact his indiscretions ruined another man’s marriage and he had the audacity to cheat on her again afterwards convinced me his love for himself was too enormous for any amount of remorse to find room in his heart. It was all about Jackson Caiaphas, it was his world, and if you didn’t fall in line then you were out of it as he gave me that impression both times he spoke to me in San Francisco and in my office when he visited our firm. I was the man who truly loved her as I felt his love only represented a disguise for the kids, like a huge family masquerade party. He desired to set her up to get caught so she looked like the bad guy in front of her kids, family, friends, neighbors and business associates, and in my book, that was not loving someone. When he saw her pain at the dinner table, that’s when he should have made an effort to be a man and to let her go if he truly loved her. More than anything, his inaction with knowledge of her sadness told me he was the wrong one for her and it was clear he didn’t care about her happiness as he took comfort in her suffering and pride in his emotional abuse. Even when he told her she could leave, he told her he would fight for the one thing that mattered to her the most, their kids. Anya’s happiness was just something he didn’t want her to have after all the pain he caused her, and it’s why I found him to be a truly vile, if not evil, human being. Even if Anya found someone else, someone who made her happy, I would want her to be with them if she loved him, especially if I cheated on her numerous times. In addition, as a parent I had a responsibility to teach my children they should only be with people who returned their love with love, especially those who made a promise to do so until death parted them and failed to do so. Even more so than the façade of his marriage, I sought out to destroy Jackson Caiaphas’s ego because it’s what kept any and all women in his life unhappy, the power source of his abusive behavior.

Even though I considered myself agnostic, I couldn’t tell you I believed in God, but I did believe in the universe around me and its indestructible energy; an eternal dynamism we’re all made of. I believed it had a plan for Anya and I, that our relationship stood for something greater than both of us here on Earth as I felt goodness conspired to bring us together. Even though the universe is viewed upon as an entity caught in constant chaos, it’s also clear it sought organization through constant evolution as evidenced within our own solar system and the many which surround us. Just like the powers of the universe brought together; our star, planets and moons, it brought me into Anya’s life because it sought to right a wrong and to bring truth into it. She could then lead a life of honesty with herself and all those around her, especially her kids so they too had a chance at happiness in their lives one day, and to end the bedlam in a history of chaos created by infidelities. I believed destiny brought me into her life to create a new galaxy, by destroying her old one, and as a result build a new future for everyone as good replaced evil and life replaced death.

Anya text me the following morning to let me know she had a Bat Mitzvah meeting, but she then text me something that told me we were completely on the same page as her love again helped get me through the arduous and stressful workday.

8:50 a.m.

“I keep thinking about what you said about how we’re not broken up in our hearts. I agree. Have a good day sweets! I love you!”

We’ve shared too much; we knew each other too well. We’ve exposed all we ever wanted to each other without fear and our feelings were unanimous. We were best friends and communicated with each other throughout the day. We had the same hopes and dreams. We couldn’t go back now, only forward so how could we really be broken up when we loved each other so much?

ME: “We still love each other so we’re still together in our hearts. I don’t feel alone or that you left me.”

ANYA: “Do you have a fear of ending up alone?”

ME: “Years ago I did, but after I had my heart broken a few times I began to lose trust in women and then lost the fear of ending up alone to protect my heart from another heartbreak, but I’ve basically been alone my entire life, and I refuse to settle anyway so I don’t really have that fear. I wouldn’t be with anyone just out of the fear of being alone.”

ANYA: “I guess you wouldn’t be otherwise you’d be married by now.”

ME: “I think it scares me more to be with someone who makes me feel alone than to die alone. Could you live on your own if you hadn’t met me?”

ANYA: “I don’t know. I’d be too afraid. I’m just a big chicken aren’t I?”

ME: “You typed that, not me.”

ANYA: “Ha!”

ME: “You’re my one and only so you’d never be alone, babe.”

ANYA: “You’re my one and only too. I love you forever.”

The question why people settle for those less than right for them Anya answered impeccably; the fear of being alone. Anya was married yet alone, so alone in fact she didn’t want to be buried next to the man she married; another reason I felt if she stayed it would be a tragedy. We all made mistakes in life, so how could society tell her not to choose happiness after her husband’s infidelities because of her children? Don’t we all deserve better in this life especially if we were done wrong by someone? I wouldn’t have supported this kind of relationship at all, let alone been a part of, if I felt she should stay in her marriage for the sake of her children. I just couldn’t board a ship I knew would eventually sink one day and leave her without a life preserver.

That afternoon, Anya sent me a text as she reminisced about a moment in our past; a moment in my past I now felt embarrassed about.

12:33 p.m.

“Do you remember when u first asked me to your place and u wanted to play a board game? I know random, sorry. Don’t know why that entered my mind.”

ME: “I’m sorry about that. Kind of a lame idea now when I think about it, but I just wanted to make you feel comfortable. I thought a board game would be fun and ease both our nerves.”

ANYA: “I think it was sweet of you. I’ll never forget it! No one has ever asked me to play a board game on a “date”! U r the cutest ever!”

As physically attracted as I was to Anya, and believe me testosterone flowed through my veins the first night I laid eyes on her, she meant more than that to me, much, much more than that. I know we ended up on my bed during our first “date” but if we ended up just playing a board game, I still would’ve had the time of my life with her regardless.

Later that same evening, she text me again.

9:08 p.m.

“Whatcha doin? R u mad at me?”

ME: “No way! Why would you think that? What r u up to?”

ANYA: “I guess I’m spoiled by your attention. I worry when u don’t text me back like ur mad or something. Still at Bunco.”

I felt bad she thought I was mad at her, but I knew how busy she was and again, I refused to initiate texts only because I felt it was her show to run. Her communication only told me one thing; by breaking up with me she chose not to listen to herself, and the more texts I let her initiate, the more of them I received, the truer this statement became as I knew one thing was certain in this life; you could lie to everyone you want to in this world, but the one person you could never lie to is yourself.

ANYA: “Can I c u next week? Am I wrong in asking? I just miss u so much I don’t know how to handle it.”

The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

ME: “Of course babe! I miss you just as much.”

Every time her heart called out to me in pain, for a decision she made for my benefit and not her own, I planned on being there to catch her. Her agony was my own, and I needed her as much as she needed me. It’s how soulmate love worked. Society saw her with another man, but the universe believed she belonged to me and we to each other as we worked in tandem destruction to construct a life forever together.

The next day, happiness filled me when I went into work as I knew I’d finally see her again the following week. My profession was a mental one and relied solely on the strength of my mind but sometimes I hurt so bad, I lost focus. It was much like having a broken arm while unloading a truck full of inventory as it incapacitated me, but I had to keep this struggle to myself. This was why it always felt good to know when my eyes would see her again, like a cast helped to heal a broken arm.

Later as my lunch break neared its end, I tallied up another time she listened to herself.

12:48 p.m.

“How r u? I missed u last night.”

ME: “I’m good. You know I was just thinking about how much I missed u last night too. It seems like no matter how far apart we are, we stay connected. How r u, babe? I’m really excited to see you next week!”

ANYA: “I can’t wait baby! I know it does feel like that but then I felt that way the first night. We’re soulmates. That’s why we had that connection.”

ME: “It’s hard to believe I’ve met someone who feels the same way I do about being in love. Soulmates, Forever. I love you.”

ANYA: “I love you too.”

Our textchange was going great…until it threatened to break my heart.

ANYA: “I want to be honest w/u and tell u I’m on my way down South for the weekend w/the kids. I dreaded telling u. I’m sorry. One of my reasons…”

Since it was summer, I didn’t think her trip to San Diego would be on a weekend let alone this one, and the shock of it wouldn’t allow me to take it anywhere else but to heart. I tried to play it cool, but it hurt me to imagine the scene. More than anything though, I wondered why Anya felt she needed to break up with me because of a family trip to San Diego if it wasn’t a big deal. The fact she dreaded telling me about it scared the shit out of me.

ME: “You told me about it so what’s the problem?”

ANYA: “I know but I didn’t tell you when.”

I couldn’t respond to her as I found myself in a time warp back into my past. Why would she be filled with such dread if it was just a vacation with the kids? Why didn’t she tell me when it was? Why did it just get sprung upon me? Why is she planning vacations with her husband after all we’ve shared and all I’ve been told? How do I know for sure it’s truly a family outing? She told me about it already so why the sudden dread? Why the fear? What was she hiding from me? Negativity on the highest plane filtrated my mind, an adversity that left me wordless. Two hours later though, Anya reached out to me.

2:01 p.m.

“I know you’re working, and I’m sorry to bother u but r u ok? It’s not going to be easy for me either. I’m doing it for the kids. I’m alone w/them till tonight.”

I could have sworn my heart spilled out of my body cavity after I read this as it killed me to not be the man she waited for in San Diego. To know she waited for a man who cheated on her several times and he was the one allowed to be with her and not the man who truly loved her. It began to break my heart when I considered she wasn’t brave enough to even vouch for me as it left me to wonder if I was only good enough to love and not to be with, and I couldn’t stop the steady onslaught of thoughts filled with anguish and despair as if beaten down by invisible fists that flew from every direction. What did she want me to tell her? “I’m so happy for you! Have a great weekend!” How did she expect me to feel? Did she expect my stamp of approval? All I could say or do at this point was to say or do the wrong thing, and that’s pretty much exactly what I did.

ME: “Just do what you have to do. It doesn’t matter how I feel. If it did, u would not be with your husband. Just enjoy yourself. U told me about this so I’m not mad at you.”

I thought twice about sending this text before I did, but all I could do now was wait for her response.

ANYA: “Wow”

After I read her reaction to my text, I felt instant remorse, but my past razed me then broke me. I then began to worry if she was afraid to hurt me, what would be her incentive to tell me the truth about anything? She had to know these kind of things she did would hurt someone who had strong feelings for her. Didn’t she? All I could really do at this point was hope and put my faith in that she loved me too much to do things to hurt me. I trusted she wouldn’t lead me on a path that led to nowhere as I believed her love for me was too deep to do so, but I couldn’t deny the slight doubt, enough to bend the light.

I apologized to her a couple of times via text but I never heard back from her. The truth was if I was not okay with something would this be her usual response? To just say “wow” and shun me? Then again, I couldn’t treat this like a normal relationship. I had to understand my response likely put her in a bad spot emotionally because of her kids, and I had to keep that in mind each time I questioned things as once again I failed to do so. I couldn’t make things difficult on her no matter how much I hurt as long as I didn’t completely hide how I truly felt so she wasn’t left out in the dark, but my message had to take into consideration her situation no matter how much I believed it should change or how much it pained me otherwise we wouldn’t make it, and she would choose a life of darkness.

I didn’t expect to hear from her the entire weekend, but the next morning she responded.

10:46 a.m.

“I’m sorry I hurt u. I need time to digest ur text. I don’t know what to say anymore. Of course I care how u feel. Not even a question. Have a nice weekend.”

Beyond elated just to see a text from her, I barely read what she had to say as I quickly responded.

ME: “I know u care about how I feel. Never a question in my mind about that. I’m just saying it doesn’t matter if I’m ok or not. It’s not like ur going to cancel ur trip and I wouldn’t want u to for my sake. Just assume I’m going to miss u and my stomach is going to hurt. Doesn’t matter whether we’re together or not. I just didn’t understand why u dreaded telling me u were going to San Diego. I knew about it. When u asked me if I was ok I just don’t know what u wanted to hear. I’m in love w/u. Of course I’m going to hurt just like you would.”

ANYA: “I guess there was no right way to tell you. I just wanted to give u the heads up that I was going away and I couldn’t talk. I dreaded b/c I didn’t want to remind you.”

ME: “See, I clearly overreacted. I’m sorry. I didn’t see things that way. I thought the worse. It made me afraid you weren’t there for the kids but for him. I’m so sorry, babe. I should know how much you care about my feelings by now.”

ANYA: “I asked if u were ok b/c I felt badly. If I didn’t care about how u were I would just take off and not ask. Yes, I’m here b/c of the kids.”

ME: “I know you care about me.”

ANYA: “I think about u 24/7.”

ME: “I’m an idiot sometimes, Anya. You know…I’m just an idiot. It broke my heart because I wish I could be the one w/u and the kids in San Diego, and that’s why I took the news so hard. It just got the best of me.”

ANYA: “Ur not an idiot! I wish I could be w/u too but…I’ve done nothing but think, wonder, dream and worry about u since I left. I’m trying my best to have fun.”

ME: “Please have fun, babe. I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I’m fine. No need to worry about me. Please enjoy your time with the kids.”

ANYA: “I love you, u know.”

ME: “I know you do, and I love you too, u know.”

ANYA: “In fact, I’m where I am cuz the kids. “How u feel” does matter to me. I wouldn’t drive myself crazy worrying about it if I didn’t. I sound like a broken record.”

ME: “It’s my fault you feel you sound like a broken record. I know how I feel does matter to you, but I also know it can’t matter because of the situation. I understand. I’ll let you go, now. Have fun.”

After we put our latest fire out, I felt much better. I wanted her to have a good time in San Diego with her kids as I felt awful about making things difficult for her once again. I just wanted to be there with her and not here at my apartment wishing I could be. I was in love and there just wasn’t an off switch whenever my past decided to make an appearance to rape the purity of my positive thoughts about us. After all was said and done though, like every other misunderstanding that preceded this one, we came out with a better understanding of our feelings, and that’s what all healthy relationships did.

Later that evening she sent me a sweet text, one I didn’t expect to receive at all.

8:47 p.m.

“With all my being, goodnight.”

After a lonely Thursday night and a silent Friday morning, my Friday night at home became more tolerable after I received her text even if it was quite possibly the only one I’d receive from her for the rest of the weekend.

ME: “With all my being too, goodnight my love.”

I then decided to try and go to bed so I could make it to the gym early Sunday morning as her text acted on my mind like a valium pill.

When Saturday arrived, the unexpected continued to happen as she sent me a late morning text.

11:53 a.m.

“Thinking of you.”

I had to admit it was so nice to hear from her, to know I was on her mind and not completely forgotten when she found herself among the type of people I didn’t have the luxury of having in my life. A few hours later she sent me another text to let me know she hoped I was having a nice day and that she loved me. To go from sixty texts a day to only a few was hard as she became the biggest part of my life, and when she went missing, so did I. I thought about going to Paseos or to visit my parents, but I felt out of sorts and too depressed to drive. I opted instead to pop open a bottle of wine I’ve had for the last couple of years, and enjoy the view of the night sky in perfect weather from my balcony. As I sat in my chair with a generous glass of Pinot in my hand, a large, rather unusually bright moon caught my eye. As I gazed up at it and thought of Anya, the light on my cell phone began to blink.

9:17 p.m.

“Goodnight baby. I miss u terribly.”

ME: “I miss u terribly too. I’m looking at the moon right now. Can you see it? It’s beautiful tonight.”

ANYA: “I see it, babe.”

ME: “See. That’s what I’m talking about.”

ANYA: “What do you mean?”

ME: “I mean we’re closer than we think we are. We’re both under and can see the same beautiful moon. I love you.”

ANYA: “I love you forever.”

And then came a series of text exchanges that made me feel her love and need from so far away.

10:08 p.m.

“I love you.”

ME: “I love you too.”

ANYA: “All my being.”

ME: “With all I am. All I will ever be.”

10:44 p.m.

“I love you.”

ME: “I love you! You’re still up at this hour?”

ANYA: “Yes, just miss u.”

ME: “I miss u too, beautiful.”

11:08 p.m.

“I love you forever.”

Up until the wine helped relax me, the entire day I felt distraught and uneasy because I missed her so much, my best friend in this life, the only woman who ever matched me on an emotional level. It eased my worried mind to know she felt the same way I did through her texts as she proved this trip away wasn’t easy on her as well, and once again, I felt awful about the way I reacted to her trip. Whether she was drunk, or if she prepped herself to have sex with someone she didn’t love, which were both possibilities on this night, the one thing I did know was who she wanted to be with, and it meant everything to me.

The next day she returned from her trip but instead of going straight home, she took the kids, along with Carolyn and her kids who I found out vacationed with her in San Diego, to the Hollywood Bowl, an outside concert venue one hundred and twenty miles north of San Diego in Los Angeles, to see “Les Miserables”, one of my favorite plays. She then informed me her son’s classmate was on tap to play Cossette in the play that evening and was the reason for them all going. During the show she messaged me.

8:55 p.m.

“It’s beautiful here especially on a summer night. Wish u were here. I miss u.”

After I read her message I transported myself next to her on the grass of the Hollywood Bowl under the stars. I then thought about the significance of Carolyn’s family vacationing with her as I was surprised she didn’t tell me about it and that Carolyn knew Jackson well enough to go with her own husband, but their kids were the same ages so it made sense in that regard. I further reasoned time spent with Carolyn was less time spent with Jackson which did my heart good, but the façade of the two couples and their families seemed strange knowing all I knew. It brought me back to the question, how could Anya and Carolyn both know all about what’s going on and were able to be around their husbands with a straight face? How could they have gone along with this plan and feel no anxiety in any way? Did Anya break up with me to make Carolyn feel more comfortable on the trip? What about Carolyn’s own infidelity? I tried not to dwell on it too much, but I had to accept something seemed out of place. In the end, the way I chose to look at it was this; Carolyn was there to act as a buffer from Jackson in case Anya’s emotions got the best of her, and when I saw things from that angle, I digested Carolyn’s company on the trip much easier.

Since I had a hard time falling asleep, which I usually did on a Sunday night in denial of the end of my weekend as I tried to drag it out longer, I decided to be productive and go through my old files to get rid of some paperwork I no longer needed. During my spur of the moment file maintenance I came across some old poems and songs I had written for fun, but I then also came across some old emails I still had between Denise and I. As I absorbed myself in her fateful words to me, I jettisoned back in time to a painful period in my life, a time of my life only Anya’s love eliminated from my memory. As my mind absorbed Denise’s cold words again I began to see some similarity in Anya’s dismissal of me, and it consumed me so much I kept waking up throughout the night as I not only wondered about but also feared “what if”. Surprisingly on that Monday morning, as if she could sense something was wrong, Anya text me earlier than usual.

7:04 a.m.

“Good morning! How r u?”

ME: “Good morning! I’m ok, babe. What r u up to today?”

ANYA: “Back on chauffer duty and work. I miss you.”

ME: “I miss u too.”

ANYA: “R u just ok cuz ur tired from going to bed late?”

Anya had a way of knowing I hadn’t been sleeping well even though I never mentioned a word about it, and if she felt for me an ounce of all I felt for her, it was easy to see why she knew. I just couldn’t shake what Denise wrote me out of my head and my perceived similarities born from fear and a sadness I couldn’t begin to describe, so I decided to come clean with my best friend to aid me with a description for what I felt.

ME: “As I was going through some old paperwork last night, in between the poems and songs I written years ago, I found some old emails my ex sent me. I guess I still had the email where my ex told me she had “met someone new” about 7 years ago. After she broke my heart she went on to thank me for raising her standards b/c I was such a “sweet” guy to her. I had forgotten she wrote me that. It just brought me back to an emotional place. She never loved me though, and for years I thought I loved her until I met you. It just made me feel very used.”

Unknown to me at the time, I believe this was the reason why I snapped and text to her “glad to be of service” when she broke it off and after she informed me she could now continue to raise her kids with great appreciation. I didn’t even realize how Denise’s words scarred my mind as they were ingrained for the last seven years without me even giving a second thought to them. It seemed losing love was always the price I paid whenever a woman referred to me as a nice or sweet guy as I no longer took it as a compliment. After Denise left me, I was pretty convinced women preferred bad men over a gentleman who opened doors for them, waited until they sat down before they did and who genuinely took an interest in all they ever had to say. At least the women I found myself drawn to appeared to not want anything to do with a chivalrous man, so I accepted I’d probably be alone forever and embraced this reality. Now, after I took the greatest chance of my life, it seemed to be happening all over again but this time in a different scenario.

ANYA: “It sounds as if u never really got over your ex. No matter what happens, I hope u know that my love for you is real and I’m not using you.”

ME: “I’m over my ex, babe. I could never share myself with you the way I have if I wasn’t, but I guess I’m still not over the way she made me feel about myself. You’re the only one in my heart babe. I trust your words.”

ANYA: “Good! I’m glad! Ur an amazing man and it was her loss!”

ME: “You know, you’re not the first person to tell me that but you are the first person I ever believed when they said it. Thanks Babe.”

ANYA: “Think about it. If ur going to be with someone you should have mutual respect and love right? Ha! I should talk!”

ME: “Ha! You just summed up the reason why I decided to trust in your love and be in your life, babe. I think you deserve both those things. I miss you. I had a hard weekend. I’m sorry. I hope you understand.”

ANYA: “Yes, I understand. Some days I go from being ok to not ok to back to ok in a matter of minutes. It’s been very difficult. This weekend was hard I know, we’re one.”

ME: “One, for sure.”

I truly believed Anya felt for me all I did for her, and even though I questioned her form of love at times, I trusted she knew what love was because of the experience with her pained past. Inadvertently however when I mentioned the email I found from Denise, I didn’t consider the affect it might have on her too, and knowing she loved like I loved, I should had known better when I read her text she sent me later that same evening.

5:23 p.m.

“When u dug up ur “old” writings, poems, and songs were they written for ur ex? Sorry random. I’m not asking from jealousy. Just curious.”

ME: “I’m sorry, Sweetheart if I did make you jealous. It wasn’t my intention. I understand your curiosity. I never wrote a single song or a single poem nor did I ever keep a journal or even write about her. I sent her about 5 emails over the course of eight months trying to win her back but she ignored every one of them. That was the extent of my writings to her. I don’t even know why I still have that horrific email from her. With the exception of a love letter I wrote my first girlfriend, you’re the only girl I’ve ever wrote about and written too, and you’re the only girl I’d ever write a poem or a song for because you’re truly the only girl I’ve ever loved. It’s too bad you can’t keep a journal. It helps me when I miss you.”

ANYA: “I would if I could. I can’t write like u for one and I can’t have it around.”

ME: “I don’t feel my writing is anything to write home about babe. I guess I just enjoy it so maybe it comes off that way. I think you’re an excellent writer, but I understand why you can’t have a journal around. Maybe someday.”

I then began to reminisce about the days in my college business law class when I used to perform past court cases in front of the entire class. I would present some pretty compelling arguments too, so good in fact my professor pulled me aside one day to beg me to consider a career in law. I did think about law school and even began to study for the LSAT, but decided against it because I didn’t want to chase ambulances, and knowing my luck I’d probably end up championing the guilty and deriding the innocent, and that scared me away more than anything. Later on that evening I received a text I began to believe extended my life by at least a month each time she sent it to me.

6:51 p.m.

“I love you.”

ME: “I love you too!”

ANYA: “I was thinking maybe ur professor thought u’d be a good lawyer b/c ur good at writing persuasively?”

ME: “Actually, I never wrote anything for her. One time though I had to write a persuasive paper in a college business writing class. It’s the only paper I’ve ever written that I got a perfect score on. That’s the only evidence I have of any good persuasive writing skills.”

ANYA: “Oh I c! I love learning about u!”

ME: “I love learning about u too! The funny thing is I was just thinking about my college business law class. I’m flattered you even remember I told you about that because I forgot I did. I thought I was safe telling you such trivial info about me. I’d have to write down stuff like that about me just to remember.”

ANYA: “I keep notes in my head, but Ur still not safe! I fully intend to ask u about ur “acting” adventure someday!”

ME: “Oh please, I love you too much to waste your time telling you about my joke of an acting career. I don’t want you to fall out of love with me when I tell you what shows I was on!”

ANYA: “Ha! Can’t wait! Nothing can change the way I feel about u unless you’ve had a sex change or u’ve murdered or molested someone!”

ME: “You have no idea what shows I was on otherwise you’ll add that to the list! I always worry about your feelings changing for me. When you came over to break it off with me, I thought they did.”

ANYA: “Really? My feelings haven’t changed about you since day one. I think about you even when I don’t think about you! Makes sense?”

ME: “Ha! Not really, but I’ll go with it!”

ANYA: “Ur here for a reason. The world would be a better place if more people were like you.”

ME: “Thanks Babe. I feel the same way about you too.”

Anya was my universe, and it broke my heart to see the woman I loved not being true to herself and to have lived a dishonest life for so long. I didn’t believe marriages when one spouse was “in love” with someone else lasted, and it’s why I felt she only delayed the inevitable. Eventually, she would leave him because I truly believed she was too good of a person to stay committed to a lie if the truth revealed itself to save her. I felt her decision to stay, or to leave, needed to be decided by an adult and not by kids, and I truly believed deep down she also felt this was true as Anya was reasonable enough to ascertain her kids did not know the truth. Even though we both agreed the time was not right, and as much as it pained me to see her still caught in a lie as Mrs. Jackson Caiaphas, I also believed the sooner she left him, the better off she and her kids would be. Katie and Andrew both relied on her to be honest with them and looked up to her for guidance as it broke my heart to imagine Katie going down the same path as Anya one day. To experience the same sadness like her mother because she lacked the courage to show her children the light of the truth as it was love, trust, and mutual respect that led to a life of happiness and not things purchased by plastic or paper. Even though I wondered daily how much longer Anya could continue to deny the truth to herself, I also believed I knew the answer to that question, and it was simply as long as I let her.

The next morning at about a quarter to eleven on a hot August Tuesday, I decided to leave the office and step outside to relax for ten minutes inside my car. I wasn’t sleeping much at all, and I couldn’t get in the right frame of mind to review a client file. I tried desperately to wrap the job up before the end of the morning but the equations on a particular schedule I needed to review made as much sense as the painful equation in my head which relied on a heart that knew love, faith and hope were the only variables that could solve it.

I turned the air conditioning on full blast and put my face to the vent to allow the cool air to blow hard upon my face as I began to doze off while the soothing sound of the flowing air washed over me. I was then jolted from my state of near peaceful slumber when my phone began to vibrate, as the comforting cool air from the vents was suddenly replaced by the calm of a familiar red light that flashed vibrantly. As I put an end to the light’s frantic behavior, I read nothing short of the unexpected.

10:51 a.m.

“Do you still think about me in the morning? Am I still in your fantasy even though we’re broken up? I need to know.”

I didn’t waste a single second to direct my fingers to call her number, and after she answered with a “Hi babe” I didn’t let another second pass to answer her question.

“I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about you. I miss kissing you. I miss your touch. I miss seeing your smile. I miss feeling your face against mine. I miss playing with your hair. I miss your voice. I miss feeling you against me. I miss your laugh. I miss everything about you.” I said as a stray tear snuck down my cheek. “You’re the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind when I go to bed, and you’re still better than the woman of my dreams. I always fantasize about you. More than ever.”

“Babe…I’m so sorry. I’m tearing up.” she said as she tried to compose herself to get her words out. “I’m happy and relieved because I feel the same way. I miss our closeness, but how fair is that to tell you when I did what I did?”

“You did what you did because you love me.” I said. “I understand now, and I really believe in our love even under the circumstances; more than ever. It’s just not the right time now.”

“I can’t take back what I did because you’re right, it’s not the right time.” she said. “I thought it would be easier if we were broken up. I thought if I break up and keep some distance I could think clearly about us. I haven’t been fair because I’m still contacting you. I want to tell u so much but can’t. I also wanted to test our love by breaking up…but how is our love tested when I can’t keep my distance? Sorry I guess I should talk to you about it in person. Sorry, I went off on a tangent. I love you.”

“You can go off on a tangent any time your heart desires babe. I enjoy your tangents!” I said to comfort her. “I forgive you, Sweetheart. I didn’t make things easy on you at all. I agree…we should talk about this in person. I love you too.”

“Can I try and explain myself again, babe?”

“Please.”

“Ok…let me try to explain myself a little better.” she said as she tried to fight back tears I heard as they choked her. “I broke up with you because I felt pressure and I wasn’t ready to tell my kids. I also thought distance between us would allow me to think clearly. I wanted to make sure I did the right thing. I know time will tell and this is not the right time, but if our love was meant to be…it will work out. That is the test.”

“Babe, I beg you to think about this. You allowed me to come see your daughter perform.” I stated. “Whatever test we were supposed to pass; I believe we have already done so. I never looked at that as a test though because it wasn’t a test but an honor. I don’t know what other test we need to pass. I love you and you love me. There’s no question.”

“I wasn’t testing you by asking you to come see Katie.” she countered. “I really wanted to share an important part of my life with the man I love. My situation is more complicated than that.”

“Ok.” I said. “I guess I just feel how much more proof do you need? What other test or tests do we have to pass?”

“I guess we should just talk in person. Sorry to have taken so much of your time babe. I love you to death. I still fantasize about you too. Our love is not even up for questioning. I just have to look at the whole picture with my kids involved. One of my reps told me that he left his wife after 18 years.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” I said.

“He told me his kids were in their “teens” when he did it. It’s been 6 years.” she further explained. “He told me the divorce “fucked them up”. These are the kind of stories I deal with.”

When she told me this, I felt put on the defensive. Did she think her kids would be unaffected by a divorce? Most kids, if not all were, but I believed the way parents handled the divorce had a lot to do with how kids adapted to it.

“No disrespect to your rep, babe, but I also believe there are other reasons why his kids were probably “fucked up” by the divorce.” I tried to reason. “You have to also consider there are probably things some people won’t tell you because they don’t want to appear to be the one who “fucked” their kids up. I don’t think anyone, especially someone vying for your business or in business with you, would tell you they were in any way shape or form responsible for their kids not handling the divorce well. I think people generally portray themselves as golden parents when they know in their heart the way they handled the divorce was why the kids took it so hard, or had trouble understanding it.”

“You don’t know that babe. Maybe just the divorce alone was disruptive enough to mess them up?”

“Any divorce will cause a disruption of some kind, babe, but I also know this for a fact, no one you talk to will tell you how they contributed to their kid’s having a hard time handling the divorce because they want to seem like good parents to you, especially someone you work with or do business with. The fact is most kids do go on to successful and happy lives but they do say the older they are, the harder it is for them to understand.”

“Really? Exactly where did you collect this data?” she asked. “I don’t have anything to hide babe. I do my best with my kids and they’ll tell you that. I love them very much.”

“Not a doubt in my mind about that. You’re a wonderful mother. It’s one of the reasons I love you so much. I know how much they mean to you. My heart hurts every day because of it but I wouldn’t want it any other way. They’re a bonus, in my book.” I said. “I get my data from the internet and bookstores mostly. I’ve been doing a lot of research on this because I need to know if what I’m doing would hurt your children; I care about their well being too. I don’t want them to hate me, you know. I love kids, and from what I’ve learned through all the articles I’ve read, I don’t believe I am. I hope you don’t think I’m being argumentative. I know this is a sensitive issue and I’m not trying to disagree with you at all. I’m just offering what I’ve learned that’s all. Just something to consider. I love you.”

“I know babe. I know you care.” she said. “I love you too. You’re my best friend. My soulmate. My love.”

“You’re mine too, but you’re right though.” I said. “We should talk about this in person.”

“I agree. We should talk in person. I think we have a lot stored inside and it doesn’t take much. I think about our last time in your room all the time.”

“I think about it all the time too, babe.”

“I wonder if we can go back to that place again in your room.” she said. “I miss you. All of you.”

“I miss all of you too. I miss feeling your skin against mine, inhaling you…having you in my arms.”

“Ahhh! I love it! I’m so turned on! I so want you!!!”

“I don’t have any words left to express how much I want you.”

“What about our status?” she asked abruptly. “Don’t get me wrong. I need you too. I want to feel our love again too but…”

“Together.” I said without hesitation. “We no longer consider ourselves broken up.”

“I don’t know Landyn, Can we talk about it when we see each other? I think I need some space to think clearly. It’s too important to discuss over the phone.”

“I understand. Take your time, babe.” I said. “I have to get back up in the office now. I love you.”

“I love you forever!” she said. “Talk to you later!”

When I got off the phone with her, I walked back to the office readier and more inspired to wrap up the file I couldn’t focus on not fifteen minutes earlier. Our phone conversation, and her change of heart was all I needed; just some light through the clouds to let me know the sun was still there.

Later that evening, sunshine even snuck through the night.

9:19 p.m.

“I love you!!!”

An uninitiated “I love you” text with not just one but three exclamation points?

I liked our chances.